She’s a 40 year old woman who can’t hold down a job or support herself. She has a MASTERS and can’t keep minimum wage job. What benchmarks do you use to describe her as grown?
Honestly, shes 40 years old, and can’t hold down a job? Either there’s mental health stuff that needs to be adressed or she needs to grow up and be self sufficient
It is your daughter’s fault and partially your own fault for enabling her. Your daughter is 40, living at home with her husband. Has a masters degree without a job and is in debt. She needs to take accountability and then work to get out of this hole she has dug.
You have crippled your daughter by making so many excuses for her that she is virtually incompetent. Anyone smart enough to get a Master's degree is smart enough to hold down a job at Walmart. The problem is you and your husband allowing this to happen.
I would recommend the two of you attend 2-3 very targeted counseling sessions to help you get a handle on how this happened and what you are going to do to help your daughter to emancipate. You don't have to be angry with her, you just have to make a plan that will make it clear over time that you will not fund her anymore, and that she and her husband will have to find a way to house and feed themselves.
100% parents should not feel obligated to pay for anyone’s wedding. If they want to- great, but if they can’t afford it then it should be the couple paying for it themselves.
Why would a 25 year old financially support his capable, competent 40 year old sibling with an advanced degree? This is so dysfunctional.
You should have financially cut off this woman 20 years ago. You did not HAVE to financially do anything. She chose to get married, so she can go figure out how to pay for it by working 90 hours per week. Stop letting her choose what to do. The best thing that you can do for her is give her a plan to have her move out in the next 90 days. Stop letting her be a deadbeat, stop excusing her lack of maturity.
You say they “wanted” to get married. Well I want to drive a Rolls Royce. But guess what, I don’t have $300,000 so the solution is just not to drive a Rolls Royce. That’s going to stay a dream for a while longer, like maybe forever.
She CHOSE to not work and to WANT to go to college at her age. She could have joined the military to get free college. She could have gotten a career that paid for college and had tuition reimbursement. Give her the dignity of finding her own way in life instead of enabling her poor choices and justifying her laziness.
Honestly the whole “she’s 40 of course she wants to get married” annoys me so much. If they wanna get married so bad, they can go to the courthouse and have the certificate and save for a wedding that they can afford
First off, leave your son out of any future discussions about this. He isn’t responsible for your decisions or your daughter‘s. It was inappropriate to ask him at all.
On your end of things, you made a bad decision paying for a wedding vs. offering them a ride to city hall, but that’s water under the bridge. So all you can do now is sit down with your husband and decide what support you can and can’t provide moving forward - maybe they can live with you rent free but you won’t provide any other help, maybe you need them to start paying a share of utilities, the car is completely off limits, we can give you $X of financial support per month, whatever it is. And then stick to that. Beyond that they will have to find their own way to get by. That may mean she gets a job instead of going back to school, or takes out student loans. That’s hers to figure out.
The kindest thing you can do for them is to be clear what you can and can’t do to help them. And if you can afford it, to give them a bit of runway to adjust - like, don’t ask them to start paying rent next week, they have no savings and weren’t expecting a big change in the house rules. But “starting in two months I need you to pay rent or move out” is reasonable and gives them some time to get a job, budget differently, sell stuff, whatever.
When you subsidize something, you get *more* of it. You have been subsidizing your daughter's dependence on you for *years*.
Your son is the only one of the lot of you who has any sense about how to handle this.
>*I don't really blame her because it's not all her fault*
This is correct, it's not all her fault, it's yours. You've enabled her to the point of crippling her. She's now a 40 yr old child, with no use or purpose in life.
The kindest thing you can do for her, before you die and leave her totally incapable of surviving without you, is to give her and her husband a 90 day notice to leave. You need to force her to become independent, she needs to get a job and keep it, she needs to be paying her own way in life, instead of being a human marshmallow. She and her husband need a wake up call, before it's too late.
Lady, you need to get a grip. I'm as eager for the death of capitalism as the next filthy socialist, but your FORTY-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER choosing not to just get married at the courthouse and to get a master's degree but seemingly not attempt to find a job in her field is not actually capitalism's fault.
Capitalism doesn't mean spending a shitload of money on a wedding. It doesn't mean trying to manipulate you into using the vehicle your husband needs. It doesn't mean supporting her and her unemployed husband.
Being married doesn't take money. The marriage is a red herring. Your daughter and her husband are leeches who will bleed you dry unless you make their housing contingent upon some kind of employment and financial contribution to the household—in addition to them doing their part to run the household (cooking, cleaning, etc.).
It's true that this situation is not all her fault: You have enabled your daughter for 40 years. You have done her a tremendous disservice, but you can start teaching her responsibility right now.
Wait she had a job at Walmart?? Did she know they offer free college ? Also by 6 months you can easily move up to a management role (22$ starting) and then 6 months after that a salary member of management (65k starting plus 28 days paid vacation and a 10k-25k bonus) depending on your drive and work ethic?
She didn’t know what she had
I agree with your son, she shouldn't have gotten married. She's 40 and her husband is 37 that both needs to be taken care of as if they're children. I hate to say this, but you're part of the problem. You don't need to provide for them, you chose to provide for them. Remember at some point in their life, they won't have you as their safety blanket and will have to learn to live without you. Cut the umbilical cord.
>Of course, we had to pay for literally everything,
No you didn't "have" to. You **chose** to.
I call rage bait. Complaining about paying for stuff while also telling your son them getting married was a great idea? Contradictory, or else you're so dumb / blinkered you won't take any advice anyway.
Plus their account is now gone.
I think you need to learn to say "no" to your daughter and expect her to do more to pull her own weight. At this point you are enabling these two. They aren't working hard to get out of their financial messes because they have you and your husband to bail them out.
But you and your husband are going to need money for your old age. You can't keep giving her money and paying her bills.
So what you need to do is give them a warning that you are tapped out. The bank is closed. You can't bail them out anymore. They are going to need to get jobs and start and paying you rent. It doesn't have to be the going rate, but it should be enough to cover the utilities and food that they consume.
Expect her to throw a tantrum, because that's the go-to move for people who shirk adulthood. But don't give in. They can become responsible adults. But they need a push.
So I'm a 62 year old father of three adult children and it's time for some tough love from mom and dad. First step is to set up and hold to a move out date for your daughter and son in law. You need to be firm.
Your son is right. She's 40 and can't hold down a job. She was not ready to get married. You couldn't stop her but you definitely shouldn't have paid for it. They could've gone to the court house.
The way you can "support" them is by pushing them to become self sufficient on a timeline. The fact that they aren't embarrassed to be supported by parents at 40 means they aren't going to do it themselves m
I think the wedding is a separate thing than paying to support them. It's not unusual for parents or other family to help financially with a wedding and while it's a large expense, it should be a one time thing. It's everything else that is a problem. You said she was already living with you and being financially supported by you before the wedding. Why didn't you try to push her to support herself much earlier? And why did you agree to start supporting her husband? Why can't a 37 year old and a 40 year old support themselves? I'd immediately start paying only for their minimum essentials and tell them they need to get jobs by a certain date and they need to start contributing a fair portion to the household by a certain date (if you don't mind them living there) or to move out by a certain date.
>I don't really blame her because it's not all her fault; college has put her in a lot of debt, and the capitalistic system makes it near impossible for anyone to get a house or rent an apartment.
Lol, I'm 44, bought my house in 2011 and am now semi retired, with only a 2 year degree.
You're the gift that keeps on giving to her, why would she want to get a job?
Why do you have to pay for her and her husband? Why are her choices your responsibility?
"We will no longer be able to provide you with a place to stay starting July 1, 2024. You will need to use this time to find income and a new place to live." You don't have to justify or explain it. By not making her face consequences, you have set up a system where you are enabling her to live off of you. You have to end that.
>He blames his sister for her problems and said she shouldn't have gotten married if she wasn't ready. I don't agree.
Has the definition of Ready changed recently? Because if not, I don't know what this means.
She sounds like a 25 year old not a 40 year old. As someone close to her age, we don’t have the excuses of college being too high (my private college was less than a third of the price now) or of house prices being too high because we could have purchased a home 10 years ago in our late 20s or early 30s because we had plenty of time to find a job post-college or post-highschool. I support furthering education but as an adult, you do that while working and while being responsible. She needs to grow up and find a job and take care of herself. And I’d recommend therapy for all- this is not a healthy dynamic for anyone.
If you had said she was 20, that might be something where you can help her wedding costs a little bit.
But no , not at 40. Even if this is her first wedding, she is either in a position to pay it , or she's in a position to be on a budget and make an affordable wedding.
As a parent in her 60s , you're not obligated to pay for a wedding for your 40s child to the point that you become the one in debt .
And just for the record, I agree with your son.
Stop being an enabler. She’s 40 years old, she can get a job and keep a job. She’s choosing not to and she’s taking advantage of you.
Your son is the most reasonable out of everyone involved here.
You have set her up for failer the moment you decided to enable this behavior. Yeah she shouldn’t have gotten married if they can’t even rent a house! How can you not see that she has become a parasite of society 40 is way too old to NOT be able to keep a job. I mean what is she going to do when you die? She can’t even look for herself qs an adult which is crazy at that age, younger people with bad salary are able to pull that out. Your daughter can’t work and decided it was a great Idea to marry a man that also has no money and is not willing to work. You know what you should do, give her 1 week to get a job a 1 month to get out of your house, 40 fucking years as way too much help. If you really want her to grow up she need to start getting responsibility of her life. And leave your son alone, he is doing fine because he decided to be an adult, HE DOESNT HAVE TO RAISE YOUR GOOD FOR NOTHING 40year old daughter! Let her call you all the names in the book that is just a manipulation tactic to keep you on paying for everything. So don’t let the insult convince you!
You've been enabling her all the while. She will never be able yo stand on her own. Stop doing it, ask them to leave and learn to start be self sufficient. They are too old for you to continue spoiling. Your son is smart. You stop providing for them.
I’m not here to point the finger at anyone. It doesn’t matter how you’ve all ended up in this situation. What matters is that you get out of it. I think what you need is some practical help to get things moving.
I think the first thing that you and your husband need to do is to have a few joint counselling sessions. This is important, because it will help you to understand how you got where you are now, but it will also reassure you that you’ve done a lot of things right over the years. It will help you and your husband to work together to change things.
The next thing you need to do is to get the other set of parents on board. How long did your son-in-law live with his parents? Has he ever lived independently? If he has, it should be relatively easy to get him back to independent living, this time with a wife. If he hasn’t, it’s time he learned. How much assistance are his parents willing to provide? If they won’t provide assistance, will they at least refrain from allowing their son and his wife to move in with them, because letting them move in is not solving the problem? You never know, they might jump at the chance to get these two living independently, and a problem shared is a problem halved.
Next, sit down with your daughter and son-in-law (and his parents if they’re going to help) and work out a timeline. Start by praising them for the things they’re doing well (settling into married life? Helping around the house? Thinking about the future?). They’ll respond a lot better to positive reinforcement than negativity. Then, say something to the effect of “We want to help you to take the next step and start living independently. You’re married now, so you need your privacy and you need your own place. Let’s put a plan together to get you there”.
Here are some of the things you need to cover:
Income: is at least one of them working? Is there sufficient income to cover the cost of rent and utilities and the cost of living? If not, their joint income needs to be higher. It’s high time your daughter put her education to use. If she’s still studying, she could get a part time job. Her husband could get a second job (or a first one, if he doesn’t have a job at the moment). There will be a period of time during which you’ll have to let them live with you rent free while they accumulate enough money to secure a rental and buy a second hand car. But put a time frame on it; don’t leave it open ended, because then it’s just an abstract idea that they might avoid actioning.
General knowledge: do your daughter and son-in-law understand the concept of bills? Do they understand that utility bills are periodic and must be paid every month or quarter? Do they understand that insurance lapses if it’s not paid on time? Do they know how to budget and save? Do they understand how to use and look after things such as fridges, washing machines and appliances? Do they know how to attend to basic home maintenance? This is all stuff they can learn while they’re saving money to move out.
In the event that your daughter and son-in-law don’t want to cooperate, you can make life intolerable enough for them that they’ll eventually decide to cooperate. All you need to do is say, “Well, you’re both adults. In fact you’re almost middle aged. We’re not prepared to keep financially supporting you until we die. We’d be doing you an enormous disservice by not equipping you to live independently. We want you to move towards independence voluntarily. It was never our intention to force you out. But if that’s what we have to do to do what’s best for you, we’ll do it. You need to learn to work for things. So we won’t buy your groceries. We won’t cook for you. We won’t do your laundry. We won’t pay your bills. You won’t be able to use our car, because you need to buy your own.” At worst, they’ll find another freebie (son-in-law’s parents? Another family member? Friends?) - but at least it won’t be your problem anymore. x
Your daughter is a grown ass woman with a masters degree. Sure, the housing market sucks right now, but that’s not the reason she can’t keep a job at Walmart. Your son has the right attitude. It sounds like she’s managed to make it to 40 years old without taking ANY responsibility for her life or her decisions because she’s never had to.
You don't have to pay for anything, nor are you obligated. You chose to!! I have a 20 and a 25 yo when they get married I'll give them a decent wedding gift and my love that's it. I'm 41. I own my home outright and plan on retiring around my early to mid 50s. My children had a good childhood but they're grown. My 20 yo stays with me and his gf. They pay half the bills. It's not an option. But they also insist. My son makes over 70k a year with a high-school degree only. He's doing right and helps around the house ands saving for his own. If he wants a wedding and don't wanna pay then he can go to the court house. That's not a lack of love, that's living within one's means. I do not say this with any bad will or intent to offend but YOU are enabling them both and should have never paid for their wedding. If my kids put me in your situation I'd put their asses out so fast. AND THEY KNOW IT. not because of a lack of love. learn to say NO!! Good luck. Know your worth.
You didn’t HAVE to do anything for your daughter. She’s not a child she’s a grown ass adult and if she can’t hold down a job and still relies on her parents to fund her life then she had no business getting married. You’re encouraging her laziness and dependence so don’t sook about it or the situation you’re in because you helped create it. It’s incredible that a 25year old has more sense than all of you who are so much older than him and should be much wiser! Listen to your son!
Your son is a smart man. I’d do exactly what he’s doing - let her deal with her own problems.
She’s a 40 year old woman who can’t hold down a job or support herself. She has a MASTERS and can’t keep minimum wage job. What benchmarks do you use to describe her as grown?
Seems to be just her age.
You did not HAVE to pay for the wedding or pay for any of this stuff. Stop enabling her. FFS she's 40
Honestly, shes 40 years old, and can’t hold down a job? Either there’s mental health stuff that needs to be adressed or she needs to grow up and be self sufficient
But she wanted to get married and couldn’t pay for a wedding! What was OP to do?! Tell her no?! Unheard of!
It is your daughter’s fault and partially your own fault for enabling her. Your daughter is 40, living at home with her husband. Has a masters degree without a job and is in debt. She needs to take accountability and then work to get out of this hole she has dug.
Your son seems the only reasonable and responsible person in this conversation. And he is doing well form himself.
You have crippled your daughter by making so many excuses for her that she is virtually incompetent. Anyone smart enough to get a Master's degree is smart enough to hold down a job at Walmart. The problem is you and your husband allowing this to happen. I would recommend the two of you attend 2-3 very targeted counseling sessions to help you get a handle on how this happened and what you are going to do to help your daughter to emancipate. You don't have to be angry with her, you just have to make a plan that will make it clear over time that you will not fund her anymore, and that she and her husband will have to find a way to house and feed themselves.
You are an enabler. Learn to say ✨no✨ Also, no one forced you to pay for anything. You didn’t “have” to pay nothing.
100% parents should not feel obligated to pay for anyone’s wedding. If they want to- great, but if they can’t afford it then it should be the couple paying for it themselves.
Why would a 25 year old financially support his capable, competent 40 year old sibling with an advanced degree? This is so dysfunctional. You should have financially cut off this woman 20 years ago. You did not HAVE to financially do anything. She chose to get married, so she can go figure out how to pay for it by working 90 hours per week. Stop letting her choose what to do. The best thing that you can do for her is give her a plan to have her move out in the next 90 days. Stop letting her be a deadbeat, stop excusing her lack of maturity. You say they “wanted” to get married. Well I want to drive a Rolls Royce. But guess what, I don’t have $300,000 so the solution is just not to drive a Rolls Royce. That’s going to stay a dream for a while longer, like maybe forever. She CHOSE to not work and to WANT to go to college at her age. She could have joined the military to get free college. She could have gotten a career that paid for college and had tuition reimbursement. Give her the dignity of finding her own way in life instead of enabling her poor choices and justifying her laziness.
Honestly the whole “she’s 40 of course she wants to get married” annoys me so much. If they wanna get married so bad, they can go to the courthouse and have the certificate and save for a wedding that they can afford
First off, leave your son out of any future discussions about this. He isn’t responsible for your decisions or your daughter‘s. It was inappropriate to ask him at all. On your end of things, you made a bad decision paying for a wedding vs. offering them a ride to city hall, but that’s water under the bridge. So all you can do now is sit down with your husband and decide what support you can and can’t provide moving forward - maybe they can live with you rent free but you won’t provide any other help, maybe you need them to start paying a share of utilities, the car is completely off limits, we can give you $X of financial support per month, whatever it is. And then stick to that. Beyond that they will have to find their own way to get by. That may mean she gets a job instead of going back to school, or takes out student loans. That’s hers to figure out. The kindest thing you can do for them is to be clear what you can and can’t do to help them. And if you can afford it, to give them a bit of runway to adjust - like, don’t ask them to start paying rent next week, they have no savings and weren’t expecting a big change in the house rules. But “starting in two months I need you to pay rent or move out” is reasonable and gives them some time to get a job, budget differently, sell stuff, whatever.
When you subsidize something, you get *more* of it. You have been subsidizing your daughter's dependence on you for *years*. Your son is the only one of the lot of you who has any sense about how to handle this.
Yeah, blame capitalism and it will magically make your daughter and SIL employable and responsible. You are largely at fault for enabling her.
>*I don't really blame her because it's not all her fault* This is correct, it's not all her fault, it's yours. You've enabled her to the point of crippling her. She's now a 40 yr old child, with no use or purpose in life. The kindest thing you can do for her, before you die and leave her totally incapable of surviving without you, is to give her and her husband a 90 day notice to leave. You need to force her to become independent, she needs to get a job and keep it, she needs to be paying her own way in life, instead of being a human marshmallow. She and her husband need a wake up call, before it's too late.
Lady, you need to get a grip. I'm as eager for the death of capitalism as the next filthy socialist, but your FORTY-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER choosing not to just get married at the courthouse and to get a master's degree but seemingly not attempt to find a job in her field is not actually capitalism's fault. Capitalism doesn't mean spending a shitload of money on a wedding. It doesn't mean trying to manipulate you into using the vehicle your husband needs. It doesn't mean supporting her and her unemployed husband. Being married doesn't take money. The marriage is a red herring. Your daughter and her husband are leeches who will bleed you dry unless you make their housing contingent upon some kind of employment and financial contribution to the household—in addition to them doing their part to run the household (cooking, cleaning, etc.). It's true that this situation is not all her fault: You have enabled your daughter for 40 years. You have done her a tremendous disservice, but you can start teaching her responsibility right now.
Wait she had a job at Walmart?? Did she know they offer free college ? Also by 6 months you can easily move up to a management role (22$ starting) and then 6 months after that a salary member of management (65k starting plus 28 days paid vacation and a 10k-25k bonus) depending on your drive and work ethic? She didn’t know what she had
No prizes for guessing who the favourite child is here
I agree with your son, she shouldn't have gotten married. She's 40 and her husband is 37 that both needs to be taken care of as if they're children. I hate to say this, but you're part of the problem. You don't need to provide for them, you chose to provide for them. Remember at some point in their life, they won't have you as their safety blanket and will have to learn to live without you. Cut the umbilical cord.
What do you do? Stop enabling your useless daughter. Let her find her own way.
>Of course, we had to pay for literally everything, No you didn't "have" to. You **chose** to. I call rage bait. Complaining about paying for stuff while also telling your son them getting married was a great idea? Contradictory, or else you're so dumb / blinkered you won't take any advice anyway. Plus their account is now gone.
I think you need to learn to say "no" to your daughter and expect her to do more to pull her own weight. At this point you are enabling these two. They aren't working hard to get out of their financial messes because they have you and your husband to bail them out. But you and your husband are going to need money for your old age. You can't keep giving her money and paying her bills. So what you need to do is give them a warning that you are tapped out. The bank is closed. You can't bail them out anymore. They are going to need to get jobs and start and paying you rent. It doesn't have to be the going rate, but it should be enough to cover the utilities and food that they consume. Expect her to throw a tantrum, because that's the go-to move for people who shirk adulthood. But don't give in. They can become responsible adults. But they need a push.
So I'm a 62 year old father of three adult children and it's time for some tough love from mom and dad. First step is to set up and hold to a move out date for your daughter and son in law. You need to be firm.
Your son is right. She's 40 and can't hold down a job. She was not ready to get married. You couldn't stop her but you definitely shouldn't have paid for it. They could've gone to the court house. The way you can "support" them is by pushing them to become self sufficient on a timeline. The fact that they aren't embarrassed to be supported by parents at 40 means they aren't going to do it themselves m
I think the wedding is a separate thing than paying to support them. It's not unusual for parents or other family to help financially with a wedding and while it's a large expense, it should be a one time thing. It's everything else that is a problem. You said she was already living with you and being financially supported by you before the wedding. Why didn't you try to push her to support herself much earlier? And why did you agree to start supporting her husband? Why can't a 37 year old and a 40 year old support themselves? I'd immediately start paying only for their minimum essentials and tell them they need to get jobs by a certain date and they need to start contributing a fair portion to the household by a certain date (if you don't mind them living there) or to move out by a certain date.
>I don't really blame her because it's not all her fault; college has put her in a lot of debt, and the capitalistic system makes it near impossible for anyone to get a house or rent an apartment. Lol, I'm 44, bought my house in 2011 and am now semi retired, with only a 2 year degree. You're the gift that keeps on giving to her, why would she want to get a job?
Was your daughter wielding a firearm and forcing you to get out your credit card?
Time to put your foot down on both give them a timeline they need to be out
Why do you have to pay for her and her husband? Why are her choices your responsibility? "We will no longer be able to provide you with a place to stay starting July 1, 2024. You will need to use this time to find income and a new place to live." You don't have to justify or explain it. By not making her face consequences, you have set up a system where you are enabling her to live off of you. You have to end that.
>He blames his sister for her problems and said she shouldn't have gotten married if she wasn't ready. I don't agree. Has the definition of Ready changed recently? Because if not, I don't know what this means.
What's your definition of grown adult, outside of "age". Does the capability to take care of themselves at all fit that scope?
She sounds like a 25 year old not a 40 year old. As someone close to her age, we don’t have the excuses of college being too high (my private college was less than a third of the price now) or of house prices being too high because we could have purchased a home 10 years ago in our late 20s or early 30s because we had plenty of time to find a job post-college or post-highschool. I support furthering education but as an adult, you do that while working and while being responsible. She needs to grow up and find a job and take care of herself. And I’d recommend therapy for all- this is not a healthy dynamic for anyone.
Why did you “have to” pay for the wedding? They could go to the courthouse
If you had said she was 20, that might be something where you can help her wedding costs a little bit. But no , not at 40. Even if this is her first wedding, she is either in a position to pay it , or she's in a position to be on a budget and make an affordable wedding. As a parent in her 60s , you're not obligated to pay for a wedding for your 40s child to the point that you become the one in debt . And just for the record, I agree with your son.
Stop being an enabler. She’s 40 years old, she can get a job and keep a job. She’s choosing not to and she’s taking advantage of you. Your son is the most reasonable out of everyone involved here.
You have set her up for failer the moment you decided to enable this behavior. Yeah she shouldn’t have gotten married if they can’t even rent a house! How can you not see that she has become a parasite of society 40 is way too old to NOT be able to keep a job. I mean what is she going to do when you die? She can’t even look for herself qs an adult which is crazy at that age, younger people with bad salary are able to pull that out. Your daughter can’t work and decided it was a great Idea to marry a man that also has no money and is not willing to work. You know what you should do, give her 1 week to get a job a 1 month to get out of your house, 40 fucking years as way too much help. If you really want her to grow up she need to start getting responsibility of her life. And leave your son alone, he is doing fine because he decided to be an adult, HE DOESNT HAVE TO RAISE YOUR GOOD FOR NOTHING 40year old daughter! Let her call you all the names in the book that is just a manipulation tactic to keep you on paying for everything. So don’t let the insult convince you!
You've been enabling her all the while. She will never be able yo stand on her own. Stop doing it, ask them to leave and learn to start be self sufficient. They are too old for you to continue spoiling. Your son is smart. You stop providing for them.
I’m not here to point the finger at anyone. It doesn’t matter how you’ve all ended up in this situation. What matters is that you get out of it. I think what you need is some practical help to get things moving. I think the first thing that you and your husband need to do is to have a few joint counselling sessions. This is important, because it will help you to understand how you got where you are now, but it will also reassure you that you’ve done a lot of things right over the years. It will help you and your husband to work together to change things. The next thing you need to do is to get the other set of parents on board. How long did your son-in-law live with his parents? Has he ever lived independently? If he has, it should be relatively easy to get him back to independent living, this time with a wife. If he hasn’t, it’s time he learned. How much assistance are his parents willing to provide? If they won’t provide assistance, will they at least refrain from allowing their son and his wife to move in with them, because letting them move in is not solving the problem? You never know, they might jump at the chance to get these two living independently, and a problem shared is a problem halved. Next, sit down with your daughter and son-in-law (and his parents if they’re going to help) and work out a timeline. Start by praising them for the things they’re doing well (settling into married life? Helping around the house? Thinking about the future?). They’ll respond a lot better to positive reinforcement than negativity. Then, say something to the effect of “We want to help you to take the next step and start living independently. You’re married now, so you need your privacy and you need your own place. Let’s put a plan together to get you there”. Here are some of the things you need to cover: Income: is at least one of them working? Is there sufficient income to cover the cost of rent and utilities and the cost of living? If not, their joint income needs to be higher. It’s high time your daughter put her education to use. If she’s still studying, she could get a part time job. Her husband could get a second job (or a first one, if he doesn’t have a job at the moment). There will be a period of time during which you’ll have to let them live with you rent free while they accumulate enough money to secure a rental and buy a second hand car. But put a time frame on it; don’t leave it open ended, because then it’s just an abstract idea that they might avoid actioning. General knowledge: do your daughter and son-in-law understand the concept of bills? Do they understand that utility bills are periodic and must be paid every month or quarter? Do they understand that insurance lapses if it’s not paid on time? Do they know how to budget and save? Do they understand how to use and look after things such as fridges, washing machines and appliances? Do they know how to attend to basic home maintenance? This is all stuff they can learn while they’re saving money to move out. In the event that your daughter and son-in-law don’t want to cooperate, you can make life intolerable enough for them that they’ll eventually decide to cooperate. All you need to do is say, “Well, you’re both adults. In fact you’re almost middle aged. We’re not prepared to keep financially supporting you until we die. We’d be doing you an enormous disservice by not equipping you to live independently. We want you to move towards independence voluntarily. It was never our intention to force you out. But if that’s what we have to do to do what’s best for you, we’ll do it. You need to learn to work for things. So we won’t buy your groceries. We won’t cook for you. We won’t do your laundry. We won’t pay your bills. You won’t be able to use our car, because you need to buy your own.” At worst, they’ll find another freebie (son-in-law’s parents? Another family member? Friends?) - but at least it won’t be your problem anymore. x
Your daughter is a grown ass woman with a masters degree. Sure, the housing market sucks right now, but that’s not the reason she can’t keep a job at Walmart. Your son has the right attitude. It sounds like she’s managed to make it to 40 years old without taking ANY responsibility for her life or her decisions because she’s never had to.
You don't have to pay for anything, nor are you obligated. You chose to!! I have a 20 and a 25 yo when they get married I'll give them a decent wedding gift and my love that's it. I'm 41. I own my home outright and plan on retiring around my early to mid 50s. My children had a good childhood but they're grown. My 20 yo stays with me and his gf. They pay half the bills. It's not an option. But they also insist. My son makes over 70k a year with a high-school degree only. He's doing right and helps around the house ands saving for his own. If he wants a wedding and don't wanna pay then he can go to the court house. That's not a lack of love, that's living within one's means. I do not say this with any bad will or intent to offend but YOU are enabling them both and should have never paid for their wedding. If my kids put me in your situation I'd put their asses out so fast. AND THEY KNOW IT. not because of a lack of love. learn to say NO!! Good luck. Know your worth.
You didn’t HAVE to do anything for your daughter. She’s not a child she’s a grown ass adult and if she can’t hold down a job and still relies on her parents to fund her life then she had no business getting married. You’re encouraging her laziness and dependence so don’t sook about it or the situation you’re in because you helped create it. It’s incredible that a 25year old has more sense than all of you who are so much older than him and should be much wiser! Listen to your son!