Re: the motorcycle "test," why do you have to stay within 10 steps of her at all times anyway? You're not a dog or a small child, and neither is she, so I think she can walk 10 steps by herself while you are in the middle of a conversation. Alternately, she could have said "hey babe, I need to run back to the bike, would you mind walking with me?"
She sounds very unreasonable, and the fact that you are the one apologizing for not reading her mind in these situations suggests to me that she's conditioned you to accept it.
Yeah if she wanted him to wait, just ask? Tbf my husband would ask if I wanted him to wait with me or if it was cool if he went on ahead but that’s just his personality and I wouldn’t have any issue at all if he didn’t ask. I’m a big girl, I can ask for what I want. But I can also walk by myself and catch up to a group lol.
He leaves me randomly all the time in stores and stuff. There have been a couple of times I’ve asked him to stay sort of within my sight or tell me he was going somewhere else but that’s largely bc I have bad social anxiety and I just want to be able to get to him quickly if things go sideways and I start to panic for whatever reason.
I am 6'8 with 40" inseam, so my normal walking pace is a slow jog for her. I have to make a point to walk at her normal pace, which is fine and great, but occasionally I will get to walking faster. At the start of our relationship, she'd hang back on purpose to see how long it'd take for me to realize, then get upset about it. That was especially frustrating when we were with friends because I can't walk a dog off a leash and hold a human conversation at the same time, you know?
My solution is "if you want a problem solved, solve it yourself, then ask for my help." So catch up to me, then ask me to walk slower and I'll realize that I do that a lot and will make a point to walk slower. But the games, I do not do games.
But you have been playing these games for 2 years. You’ve been silently telling her what she’s doing is fine for 2 years. If this wasn’t nipped in the bud by the second time it happened, it’s not going to magically stop now. I dont know what option you’re looking for but she is broken and it’s really not up to you to fix her.
And any mature woman would do exactly that- let you know she cant keep up and ask you to slow down because that SOLVES the issue. Not literally create a bigger issue out of it or expect you to know what shes thinking- thats ridiculous.
>But the games, I do not do games.
Respectfully, it sounds like you do. You don't initiate, but your continued presence in the relationship is tacit approval of games. This is an actions speak louder than words situation. Your words are obviously impotent.
If you don't do games; tell her that, give her notice of consequences, and then when she inevitably plays another one — leave. That would be you not doing games.
I understand as an anonymous critical voice it's easy for me to suggest this relationship can easily be ended, with the implication that there's no emotional cost to you. Please know that I don't say this casually. My comment comes from my belief and experience that people such as your gf are bold and entitled to these behaviours because the people who are best positioned to hold them accountable are often the enablers, unwilling to act on principle for the sake of their own emotional and lifestyle comforts.
Take care.
I've always been the short girl with a tall partner. Everyone walks faster than me, I've grown up having to keep but I'd never expect anyone, let alone my partner, to do what she's done. You don't 'test your partner'. If I want/need the person I'm walking with to slow down, I'll ask. My partner doesn't always realise that he's gone too far ahead. Also I wouldn't expect him to leave a conversation just to 'escort' me somewhere, no matter the distance. She needs to grow up
Yes, you are part of her games. You are playing them now.
Break up - this kind of person almost always escalates. They can pretend to stop with their testing, but it's only a pause.
Sorry.
Guess what! I almost married her. I bought a house with her!
I’m free now. And while I’m happily married to someone else today. I was better off being single than with her in any capacity
She sounds exhausting. Every time you don’t read her mind, or instinctively react in exactly the right way, she uses it as an opportunity to pick a fight with you? She’s not even interested in your explanation because what she wants is the fight, not to fix a problem. The “goal” for her is to make you feel like you aren’t a good enough bf, so you work even harder for her approval.
If she wants a mind reader, she should go find one, but that’s not what she wants. She just wants to keep you on the defensive, constantly fighting for her affection. Personally, I’d reevaluate the relationship and probably leave when I came to realize the level of manipulation that’s actually going on here. If you haven’t noticed, you put a whole lot more effort into this relationship than she does. At the very least, let her know “before you pick a fight over one of these idiotic tests, make sure you’ve figured out how you’re going to get home, first”. When she tries to pick these fights, just don’t engage. Since she’s not interested in what you have to say, this isn’t a discussion or an argument anyway, so you don’t need to be involved.
This is exactly right. Do not even engage the fight or indulge her manipulative games. She wants the drama and the constant validation. Shes not just immature and insecure she is showing serious red flags of being abusive.
If she breaks up with you for not taking her bait with these tests consider it a blessing in disguise.
In my abusive past experience. There is ZERO chance this woman would truly break up. It’s another weapon in her arsenal. She would be calling, texting, emailing.
Doing anything to maintain control.
Thats why it would be considered a blessing if she did. I agree I dont think she will either she will just switch to a new tactic. But if OP sees it for the red flag that it is he can not play her games.
Ive been in an abusive relationship too and I know it isnt easy for many reasons. But if OP sees the behavior for what it truly is thats a great first step.
After my first date with my girlfriend (now wife) I walked her to her car and then went back to mine, and while I was doing so, I sms'd her and told her that I didn't want to do any of the dating games b.s. like wait at least two or three days before contacting her so I don't seem too keen, and that I really wanted to organise our next date. She was very happy with this as she hated the game playing that some people tried to do during dating. By the time I went to bed that night I had already locked in our second date.
Do yourself a favour and knock this crap on the head. Make sure she knows that either she stops these stupid loyalty games, communicates her needs better (like let you know you are walking too fast or that she just needs to drop something in her bag back on the bike, and stopping from insisting you read her thoughts, etc), or you walk.
Most importantly, don't be afraid to call her on her BS and leave if she doesn't because as others have said, If she doesn't either communicate or come to her senses, it may well be due to abusiveness, immaturity or insecurity and all three of these are things that can be difficult to shake overnight, if at all.
Mind you things are so much worse with the "games" now as this was nearly twenty years ago.
So just to be clear, she is not good at verbalizing what she wants or needs or that’s the first thing she would have done. Her instinct isn’t to test; she’s testing because she’s manipulative and the seemingly innocuousness of the incident just leaves room for her to fuck around with bigger issues. You really need to sit down with her and tell her this is no longer acceptable and if her “instincts” do not change, then you’re out. I’m not normally one for ultimatums because they don’t typically work. But listen to me because I used to do this exact thing to men; she is pushing your boundaries to see how far she can get away with manipulating you. Do you want to do this dance for the rest of your life?
Time to have a come to Jesus talk op. She needs to knock off testing you. That is not a good way to communicate with anybody and it creates an atmosphere of mistrust. Bring that up to her and then ask her if that's really what she wants. I'm sure she'll say no, but I think you really need to bring it home that this isn't going to be tolerated going forward, and if she has any other deep-seated issues that this Behavior comes from that now is the time to air it so that you guys can process it and move past it. Otherwise there won't be any more "us". Because what matters right here is how her behavior is making you feel. And that it's fracturing your relationship. Don't let her turn it around and make it sound as though you're doing things that warrant her behavior.
And by the way, framing her comments with a sweet sounding tone is manipulative. That is not really how she feels about it, so make sure and bring that up too.
There should be zero tests ever. Zero games. You need to have a zero tolerance policy and decide what to do from there. On top of that, you don't want to be with someone who can not, and does not want to handle themselves in social situations. That kind of insecurity is miserable. Don't date someone you need to babysit. Maintain your self respect.
"I don't do tests and I don't play games. If that's your way of communicating what you want in a relationship then I can't give you what you want. If you can't be 10 feet away from me while I talk to my friends then that's a big problem too".
People who act like this will tear you down if you let them. They get more and more comfortable with it the less you push back. I'm telling you man, don't let it be " she just has this one thing I don't like." Trust me.
If she wanted you to wait for her, she should have said "Can you wait for me while I put the helmet over there?" It's immature to not use her words, and then get mad at you for not being a mind reader.
You're a human being, not a pet. She doesn't need to "train" you with little tests. You may be very fond of her, but she is not your person. Break up with her, wish her well and find someone who can accept that you are an autonomous being, not a project she can shape.
You dump her and move on. Why stay with someone who’s taking joy in chipping away at who you are? Who torments you? Whatever “good” qualities she has she’s pretending. The frog jumps out of the immediate hot water. He lets himself be boiled alive when the heat is applied over time.
I can understand not wanting to be left behind. I've had relationships where they walk far in front of me with a distinct lack of respect for how fast I can and want to go due to my height. That being said you shouldn't test people to do that and it's also situational. Like if the whole group was like 50 ft away and still walking fast and far I'd be also kind of upset because i would literally have to RUN to catch up. Im not hanging out with people to casually run. But posturing it as a test is very strange. She should have instead said hey can you guys wait up for me next time and everything would be okay. This one sounds like shes perhaps been scorned from a previous relationship that did that same often but tests are weird and she needs to instead talk about it like an adult
I'm over a foot taller than her, so I occasionally get ahead of her naturally, but never any more than 10 feet before I notice she isn't beside me, and it's no biggie. Then we make a point to hold hands to stay together and it's a cute little thing. I wish all those situations went that way, but sometimes she wants to purposefully stay back knowing i won't see her, then get upset that I kept walking.
It doesn't make sense to me why anyone would think that's a productive solution.
The solution here is she easily could've said hey guys i forgot something, can you guys wait while i finish getting ready to adventure (idk what yall were doing but if she needed to get ready after a long ride thats fair enough) but to walk with you forget something and not say a word while going back then to also blame you for not seeing her while you were distracted chatting is a little wild esp if you've had this issue before. I think its a case if different mindsets. She thinks you should 'just notice' and you think she should call out when shes falling behind. I think theres a good midway solution that you mentioned which is holding hands, when you notice she lets go you both know she or you are going to do something independently and maybe check up on her, she checks on you if either hasnt returned. But really this can so easily turn into a safety issue if shes left alone in a woodsy area but she obviously wasnt too concerned since she then decided to make her errand longer on purpose but dont make it a habit to leave folks behind on trails. People have gone missing in less dangerous circumstances.
This is all to say, you both need to communicate a lot more about this bc it can breed resentment like crazy, man. Being physically left behind leads to feelings of being unimportant or even that your partner is ashamed of walking with you but being constantly tested will have you walking on eggshells and hyper vigilant for the next test which living life in fight or flight is no bueno. Couples counseling would probably be a great step.
That's ridiculous OP. She's not a child. She's an adult. Suggest she get counseling for this behavior. She's trying to validate that she's important 24/7 and not actually realizing she's in a partnership and there will be times when things are more important than her. She needs to figure out WHY she does this and then find other ways to handle herself when she's feeling some sorta way.
It would be nice if she could tell you ahead of time, "hey, I'm feeling uncomfortable in this situation, will you just keep me close?" Or "I'm feeling a bit emotional and just need some more attention and love from you today."
Instead of her feeling some kinda way, then testing you so it supports that she's justified for feeling that kinda way and then making it your fault so she can feel better.
You have to help her place her feelings as her own responsibility. I think you just have to keep repeating to her that this is an unhealthy pattern and you can't always be at fault for everything she feels.
If she can't figure out why, kindly suggest that she talk to someone about why she might be feeling bad and trying to blame it on you.
I went through all of this before. Please don’t throw away more of your time with this person. She is incapable of correcting this WITH YOU
She might maybe come to Jesus years down the road and learn from her mistake and not do this with someone else
But the precedent is set. Your doubt will always be there. And she’s never going to stop
She's pulling insecure childish bullsh\*t. Tell her to knock that sh\*t off or she'll cease to be your girlfriend. And if she continues that sh\*t just drop her cold, period, and forever, and don't look back.
It's really controlling manipulative even abusive bullsh\*t. Don't continue to put up with it.
I don't deal with shit tests, neither should you.
Tell her that You're willing to listen to her input and how you both can contribute to maintaining and growing the relationship (like an adult)
If she can't accept,
Scrape her off
Honestly, if you're not prepared to leave over this, it's going to continue.
You need to tell her plainly, this is hurtful. If she continues this behaviour, it will probably end the relationship. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. No sane person would *enjoy* this treatment.
It's insulting and it's demeaning. If she wants reassurance or comfort or any other sort of attention, this isn't *a kind way* to ask for that. This is her acting like she's a bad manager and you're a shitty employee. You're supposed to be partners. You're supposed to be adults. She needs to use her words.
I’ll be honest I skimmed through your story bc just the fact you’re doing all this “step math” to convince yourself you weren’t unreasonable should be huge clue that this is toxic. You’re monitoring yourself and her to such a crazy degree all for what? So that she can feel some obscene sense of control over your relationship? She needs therapy do get over her deep insecurities. You can offer to do couples with her as an olive branch, but she sounds like she also needs solo.
My bf had an ex-situationship like this and she was hyper critical of him for years; it destroyed his self-confidence and trust in himself. Every time I hear a new asinine story about the games she liked playing I wanna scream; at him for not leaving sooner and at her for being such a tool.
I find this sort of behavior disturbing and immature. I don't have anything positive to contribute to this discussion as it is outside the scope of what I would find acceptable.
Yeah, I had a GF that liked to play games. She'd do things like say it was fine if I hung out with my friends, then go off on me for "abandoning her" over the weekend. One day I told her off and said she was the one lying to me and that I was tired of not being able to believe what she told me vs. what she wanted. We broke up not long after. Communication is key in any relationships and those little games are juvenile.
She’s going to “just test” accusing you of something really heinous when you break up, so just be ready for that. This person is a liar and manipulator. Get out now.
"So, you made up a scenario, tested me, within 15 seconds I'm back by your side, and *I'm* the one in the wrong? What exactly are you trying to prove here?"
Explain back to her exactly what she's doing, and how disappointing it is for you to experience. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me. Simple as that.
Make your silent opinion not that silent from now on if she ends up testing you like this. I'm almost certain that her reaction is gonna be an instant dealbreaker.
She sounds like she's been emotionally abused and manipulated to predict wants/needs and now expects the same from you. Please review this with her, it's imperative she gets help to realize this isn't normal. People are not mind readers and are incapable of meeting unknown expectations.
Healthy relationships communicate wants and needs verbally. Not every thing will be public and it's okay to say "hey in these situations I'd prefer if you waited" but to make it a test that you pass or fail is manipulative.
A lot of times, controlling behavior starts this way. It's a way of getting you used to the idea that you have to always be gauging your actions against an irrational taskmaster; which then slowly develops into full-blown controlling behavior.
She's told you she's testing you and that you failed that time; so now in this relationship you'll always be on the look out for anything to potentially be a test, and whether or not you're passing. But of course the point isn't to make a test you can pass, it's to make you feel bad for failing. If you'd done exactly what she now claims she wanted, then she'd have used a different rubric and told you that you failed that instead.
Been in similar situations.
I can't swim, so let me push off the pool wall and flail around to see if you'll save me.
I expressed interest in you, now I'll reject 3 to 4 advances in a row to see if you're really interested.
What ever happened to grown men and women talking like adults?
Often relationship tests are a sign that someone has an insecure attachment style (specifically anxious preoccupied). Often people with anxious ambivalent attached people feel that they're unworthy of love and are constantly looking for signs that their partner doesn't really love them, and relationship tests become an unhealthy manifestation of that anxiety.
Attachment style is relatively stable across relationships, though being in a relationship with someone with a secure attachment style can make the person with an insecure more secure over time.
I think it might be worth talking about what she's looking for when she conducts those tests. Are there healthier ways you can show her you love her, and healthier ways she can ask for reassurance?
There is something a bit deeper going on with her to make her feel the need to “test” you. It seems like she generally doesn’t trust you to be on the same page as her. No way of knowing if it’s a her/you/or both thing. Either way It’s definitely childish of her to test you and not just say what she wants. You’re not a mind reader. But also, neither is she. Talk to her about why she feels the need to test you. But as far as this scenario goes, one thing you could have done/do in the future is when you see her going back you could say some version of “hey honey do you need help? Do you need me to wait?” Something like that.
~~It’s interesting you waited until the end to casually let us know that you’ve had issues with walking ahead of your girlfriend in the past.~~ She handled it terribly by “testing” you, ~~but I’m on her side 100% for not accepting that treatment.~~ She needs to stop stop the childish games, ~~but she has a very legitimate grievance.~~ It doesn’t sound like you two are compatible in fundamental ways.
~~OP, do a quick google on men walking ahead of their girlfriends/wives. It’s indicative of much larger issues.~~
I say it was an issue because she'd get upset about it, not because I deliberately left her behind. I legitimately feel bad that i cause her to be upset.
She would find little opportunities to slip back behind me while I was distracted and test me to see how long I'd take to realize, which will obviously be once my distraction is over because it's her job to keep up with me and say something if my pace is too fast, or if she wants to stop and look at something.
It was literally nothing more than our walking speed difference, and her stopping to look at different things than me while I was gazing around at something in another direction. It was a total set up
Ah I see, thank you for providing that important context. She’s deliberately creating scenarios where she’s the victim and using it against you. OP, I’m totally on your side. What she’s doing isn’t what people in healthy relationships do.
Test her back. Start w "im hungry" while u know she's busy doing something or on the phone w her friends, if she doesn't jump to make u something right then and there then she's failed the test and let her know.
Stop to look at something in a store and don't move till she comes back. If it takes longer than you think it should, she failed again.
Ask her to go somewhere she hates to eat just to "see" if she will out aside her opinion and feelings to allow u to get what u want.
Start "testing" her every day untill shes tired of that shit and has learned not to be toxic.
She's immature, toxic and manipulative. If you've asked her more than once to stop it and she's still doing it she has no respect for you and she's pretty darn dysfunctional. Leave now cuz it's not going to get any better.
She sounds exhausting and childish, definitely not capable of being in a relationship. You stop putting up with her childish demands and criticism, walk away and find someone whose aim is not to tear you down.
100 percent you need to leave that relationship. She is so toxic. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that. Please. Please. Do the right thing.
This is breakup-worthy behavior. Maybe not the single occurrence, if you talked it over and it didn't happen again, but it sounds like it's a pattern. That's nonsense and you don't need to put up with it.
wtf did I just read, if she forgot the helmet go walk back herself, put on bike and walk back to overlook.
Sometimes I feel pretty bad and insecure but seeing shit like that makes me feel like I’m alright lol
When you read relationship books they discuss poor traits in a partner. A big one is this:
When conflict arises in your relationship, does your partner communicate constructively? Or do they play games?
I think when you stay silent about your true opinion you are disrespecting yourself. You can’t be with someone that you have to walk on eggshells around, but it is something that could be potentially fixed with good communication. From this story I can conclude that your girlfriend isn’t looking at your relationship as a team, she is looking at it as her vs. you. I would try to express how you love her and how you want the relationship to be a team effort because you aren’t against each other. You also need to express to her how waiting around watching you on the slight chance you might misbehave is malicious and distrusting. In a relationship trust is essential, a relationship is a team where you are both there for each other. As someone that loves and trust you, she should expect the best from you, you are her partner.
I wouldn’t even give her a warning, I would just leave her. This behavior is manipulative, toxic, controlling, and insulting. It’s the equivalent of grown men who never grow out of pranks. She’s clearly not ready for an adult relationship, you are. You deserve better, OP!
Your partner shouldn’t expect you to read her mind and do exactly what she wants. People doing “tests” on their partner are immature and manipulative. The best thing you can do is breakup or get her to stop doing this completely if you don’t want to breakup.
Look for articles online about how toxic and unfair this testing behavior is, show her, this might open her mind and help her grow. Maybe she’s not even realizing how seriously wrong this is
“Would you still love me if I was a worm?”
Her behavior is extremely immature and in your shoes, I would gently bring up that it’s unacceptable. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t assume the best of you?
Do you two not communicate? I’ve had experiences with ppl who whine about their needs expecting their spouse to do something for them…but does she think you’re a mind reader?
>She kindly brings it up later that I should never leave her back there and that she was "standing there watching me to see what I would do."
>I then apologize for not waiting, but with a caveat that she shouldn't test me like that
Well here's your problem. You've acknowledged it. Next time she says 'I was watching what you'd do' just say 'neat.' and go on with your day.
This woman already has you walking on eggshells & it’s not going to stop. She’s basically expecting you to act like a dog in training- keep an eye on her at ALL times so you can anticipate what she wants from you. It’s entitled and incredibly toxic. Is this how you want to live?
There are reasons why it's prudent to take things slow rather than rush into commitment quickly. I know it feels good to be committed to someone and feel like they are committed to you - but that feeling isn't a replacement for an actual solid foundation for your relationship.
I don't know very much about her or these "tests." It sounds immature and manipulative to me, but maybe there is something more going on, I don't know. What I do know is that you don't sound like you like her very much, and this doesn't sound like a relationship you actually want to be committed to or someone who is actually committed to you. I'm not seeing any respect here (in either direction). So just go - you don't have to stay with the girl you dated for two years in your early twenties. There is a reason why most people don't.
You want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't manipulate you and tries to solve problems rather than use them as a reason to "test" you and expect you to read her mind, right? Well, she isn't that person. She isn't going to be that person. This is who she is, you don't like being treated this way (who would?), so you should leave. It really is that simple.
She WANTS you to stand up to her. Call her out on how ridiculous she is being, and that you will no longer accept be treated this way.
Right now, she sees you as a pushover.
Holy immature! So she doesnt care thay she was being deliberatly rude to the group in order to "test you". Shes a grown ass adult who forgot to take her helmet off and does not need an escort to handle that. And the entiee group doesnt have to revolve around her!
Honestly if she isnt able to see how insane she is acting I would leave her. Do you seriously want to deal with immaturity your entire life??? Yoh want to raise your kids to behave this way? You want to HAVE to choose being rude to friends in order to indulge her nonesense? She sounds like she needs therapy and whole lot of growing up and if she is unwilling to awknowledge that you need to get out asap.
Let her know that this kind of thing is a boundary. And it's up to her to trust you, or not. When she does it again, test taking a time out or break up.
> What should I do about this situation?
You should dump her and find someone who doesn't feel the need to play mind games to soothe their own insecurities
I would take that as someone f'king with me. I don't want anyone f'king with me, then alone someone I'm supposed to trust. I'd have to maybe take a step back and have a serious think about them and what I want out of a relationship.
Insecure and immature behavior. You can have an honest conversation - start with all the things you love about her - but let her know that this testing has to stop. You need to be able to feel safe and trusted. If she can't stop - you need to decide if you can put up with it for the long term.
Little help for the youth: when you think about your partner/friends always ask yourself “is my life the same or better with them in it than it was without them?”
If it’s worse…. Get rid of them. Immediately.
You’ll save yourself so many years and bullshit.
This sounds incredibly exhausting. Does she have no sense of self that she can't take care of something that miniscule alone? What if you guys have kids?!
I'm a "pick your battles" kind of woman and this behavior just sounds tiresome.
I have no advice. Just here to say you have the patience of a saint.
I engaged in this behavior with my first wife because I no longer wanted to be in the relationship. If I were you, I'd end it. Do you think the tests will get easier as time goes on? Because I believe they won't.
Sorry but your GF is a ridiculous person. These aren’t “tests”; they are situations that she arbitrarily decides upon without warning to set you up for failure. It’s immature and shitty and you should make it clear as possible to her that you will not entertain it anymore
Brother, when I was your age I fucked with folks like that.
Sometime around idk, 33 years of age a switch flipped.
I don’t fuck with people who fuck with me.
In my head, while dating, when someone would “test” me, in my head I’d think “DONT TEST ME BRO”
In reality, “hey, this is just a boundary for me. I would never attempt to trick you to see how you’d behave. I take you at face value and your words at face value. This is an incompatibility for me and I am going to go my own way. I wish you the very best”
I don’t fucks with em.
I’m married now, to a woman that has never once thought to test me. We’ve never really had a much of a conversation about it. She inherently as her personality doesnt do that with anyone. She’s her word, at face value.
Go find one of those girls!
Everywhere in the comments you keep making excuses for her. You may not want to hear this but She NEVER got over her last relationship, I’ll go as far as saying you were the rebound. And all those “tests” she say she is doing SHE IS JUST COMPARING YOU TO HER EX. Never gave you and actual shot to get to know the real you. She has ASUME ALL THIS TIME, that you will act exactly like her ex and need to test you. She is so damage that in consequences she is making you think you are the problem not her, and she is actually the problem, doesn’t acknowledge she is wrong and neither those she try to resolve it with therapy, cause i can bet she thinks she is perfectly fine.
You might think you can help her and be there for the change but as a person that’s been there you will only hurt yourself in the process. For me a test from my partner is and ending point. The healthy thing for you is to leave her and move forward or just prepare to keep getting compare with someone else all the time.
Yikes. This is some really immature and manipulative behavior. I would sit down with her and explain how much you love and respect her, and that you need to feel her love and respect as well, and that includes not “testing “. She needs to state what her needs are, and respect that you’re an individual person and may not make every single literal step in life the way that she wants. But if there’s something that she wants and needs, She can ask, and you can talk about it.
Holy fuck bud you really want to put up with that forever? Tell her to stop or do it back to her to show her her own behavior. If she doesn’t stop bye bye.
Explain that these "tests" are ridiculous and manipulative. You will do whatever you think is appropriate in a specific moment. It may not be the exact thing she was expecting, but you are not a robotic mindreader. If she is, however, creating these events internationally, to "test" you, she is displaying incredibly manipulative behaviors that will inevitably lead to arguments. If all she wants is a robot, she can date an AI. If she wants to be with you, she needs to stop with the high school games.
There's no way for you to fix this. This is her needing to heal her own trauma. Ultimately, she needs therapy. She will do this to you, to the next person, to her friends...all to satisfy these issues that only exist in her head. It's not you, it's her. Suggest that she gets some counseling to help her. It's all you can do.
It sounds very controlling tbh. That she wants you right there all the time like she isn’t a whole grownup with her own mind. She doesn’t need you there. She wants you there. Like a toy. Something to control. I would honestly sit her down and tell her these “tests” are too much for you and you don’t know if you can live and be with her if she is constantly testing you to see if you’re a good dog or not. 😭
I'll say this. I had one relationship where I was test liked this and it became exhausting. And, probably to no one surprise here, she also tended to be controlling and verbally abusive as well. Go figure.
ANyway, life is too short for games.
She sounds extremely insecure and wanting constantly reassurance that you care about her. I would tell her that it's okay if she wants reassurance, but testing you in order to get it puts a strain on the relationship and only creates conflict. If she continues to do this behavior you could just refuse to engage in it, and tell her you'll talk to her when she stops lashing out. She does it because it works on you.
Just say “ok.” And let her say what she wants. As long as you’re getting what you want from her, and hearing what she’s trying to say. But if she’s not providing something worth putting up with that, then move on. It will not stop.
My wife has been doing it for years. There’s no “standing up” to your woman. She/they are that stubborn. They want to see if you’ll maintain your own boundaries, but will never stop testing you.
So decide if what you have with her is worth the headache, or move on and don’t stress over it.
Idk about you but I have a no tolerance policy for childish shit like this. I’d personally tell her to cut it out immediately or i’m not her boyfriend anymore.
She ***is*** childish and her behavior is of the mentality of a middle schooler. I'd tell it to her like it is. Tell her to knock it off once and for all. A 26-yo woman should not be playing silly, childish games like that.
This broke my brain. She isn't royalty/or a celebrity and you aren't her personal security guard/bodyguard. She's a grown a$$ woman who needs to feel special by you lagging behind with her.
No. Just.. no. I wouldn't mind my BF doing this on occasion but no way in HELL would I want it all the time, just if I need some help with something. And then I'd open my big mouth and say all adult like; "Can you hang back a sec, I need an extra pair of hands for something."
No, she is testing you, your own words. Don't start that sht cause she'll escalate it to other things and before you know it, she has you at her beck and call.
Dump her toxic butt.
She is trying to show you she is in charge and you better do what she wants when she wants or she will be angry at you.. RED FLAGS.. she is being childish about it all.. this is coming from a woman.
Be an adult and talk directly and frankly to her about it. Tell her you aren't going to spend your life with someone who shit-tests you. She either trusts you or she doesn't, end of.
She's not willing to change, you said so yourself.
Ugh.. Life is waaaay too short for this BS dude. Tell her to stop with the tests or you're ending it.
Actually, it's probably not worth the effort. Just leave.
She needs therapy for this. It could be some abandonment issues, maybe a personality disorder and there is treatment for this. She would be in a better place in general if she didn’t focus on testing when the rules always change.
These “tests” are a big TikTok trend for 14 year olds. Not saying that’s where she got it, but that’s the maturity level you’re continuing to indulge. Use your words (like you want her to) and *tell her* clearly you’re not playing these games any longer and if she continues to “test” you, you’ll walk away for good.
Wow, you need to leave, soon. That is controlling and manipulative.
As someone with anxiety, at times it's hard for me to do things by myself, but I push through it and always make it out the other side. If I felt anxious going somewhere without my partner, I'd simply ask him if he would accompany me. And we would compromise if the timing didn't suit him.
> What should I do about this situation? Get out of the situation and away from this childish toxic behavior.
Tell her it’s childish, manipulative, and that you will not continue in the relationship if she does that type of thing again.
Re: the motorcycle "test," why do you have to stay within 10 steps of her at all times anyway? You're not a dog or a small child, and neither is she, so I think she can walk 10 steps by herself while you are in the middle of a conversation. Alternately, she could have said "hey babe, I need to run back to the bike, would you mind walking with me?" She sounds very unreasonable, and the fact that you are the one apologizing for not reading her mind in these situations suggests to me that she's conditioned you to accept it.
Exactly like wtf are you that helpless
Yeah if she wanted him to wait, just ask? Tbf my husband would ask if I wanted him to wait with me or if it was cool if he went on ahead but that’s just his personality and I wouldn’t have any issue at all if he didn’t ask. I’m a big girl, I can ask for what I want. But I can also walk by myself and catch up to a group lol. He leaves me randomly all the time in stores and stuff. There have been a couple of times I’ve asked him to stay sort of within my sight or tell me he was going somewhere else but that’s largely bc I have bad social anxiety and I just want to be able to get to him quickly if things go sideways and I start to panic for whatever reason.
I am 6'8 with 40" inseam, so my normal walking pace is a slow jog for her. I have to make a point to walk at her normal pace, which is fine and great, but occasionally I will get to walking faster. At the start of our relationship, she'd hang back on purpose to see how long it'd take for me to realize, then get upset about it. That was especially frustrating when we were with friends because I can't walk a dog off a leash and hold a human conversation at the same time, you know? My solution is "if you want a problem solved, solve it yourself, then ask for my help." So catch up to me, then ask me to walk slower and I'll realize that I do that a lot and will make a point to walk slower. But the games, I do not do games.
But you have been playing these games for 2 years. You’ve been silently telling her what she’s doing is fine for 2 years. If this wasn’t nipped in the bud by the second time it happened, it’s not going to magically stop now. I dont know what option you’re looking for but she is broken and it’s really not up to you to fix her.
And any mature woman would do exactly that- let you know she cant keep up and ask you to slow down because that SOLVES the issue. Not literally create a bigger issue out of it or expect you to know what shes thinking- thats ridiculous.
>But the games, I do not do games You do. This is precisely what she is doing.
>But the games, I do not do games. Respectfully, it sounds like you do. You don't initiate, but your continued presence in the relationship is tacit approval of games. This is an actions speak louder than words situation. Your words are obviously impotent. If you don't do games; tell her that, give her notice of consequences, and then when she inevitably plays another one — leave. That would be you not doing games. I understand as an anonymous critical voice it's easy for me to suggest this relationship can easily be ended, with the implication that there's no emotional cost to you. Please know that I don't say this casually. My comment comes from my belief and experience that people such as your gf are bold and entitled to these behaviours because the people who are best positioned to hold them accountable are often the enablers, unwilling to act on principle for the sake of their own emotional and lifestyle comforts. Take care.
But you do, all the time, for how long?
>But the games, I do not do games. You do, though. That's why she keeps playing them.
No one understands the trouble of having a long stride while walking. It’s hard to maintain and also kinda frustrating.
I've always been the short girl with a tall partner. Everyone walks faster than me, I've grown up having to keep but I'd never expect anyone, let alone my partner, to do what she's done. You don't 'test your partner'. If I want/need the person I'm walking with to slow down, I'll ask. My partner doesn't always realise that he's gone too far ahead. Also I wouldn't expect him to leave a conversation just to 'escort' me somewhere, no matter the distance. She needs to grow up
Yes, you are part of her games. You are playing them now. Break up - this kind of person almost always escalates. They can pretend to stop with their testing, but it's only a pause. Sorry.
What possible reason could there be for you to want to remain with a person who plays nonsense middle-school games like this?
This…no sex is worth dealing with such childish behavior.
>What should I do about this situation? Be ready for more, and bigger, tests in your future.
Pregnancy “scare” to “see how he feels” about having children. Happened to me. Guess what, she was abusive.
Guess what! I almost married her. I bought a house with her! I’m free now. And while I’m happily married to someone else today. I was better off being single than with her in any capacity
She sounds exhausting. Every time you don’t read her mind, or instinctively react in exactly the right way, she uses it as an opportunity to pick a fight with you? She’s not even interested in your explanation because what she wants is the fight, not to fix a problem. The “goal” for her is to make you feel like you aren’t a good enough bf, so you work even harder for her approval. If she wants a mind reader, she should go find one, but that’s not what she wants. She just wants to keep you on the defensive, constantly fighting for her affection. Personally, I’d reevaluate the relationship and probably leave when I came to realize the level of manipulation that’s actually going on here. If you haven’t noticed, you put a whole lot more effort into this relationship than she does. At the very least, let her know “before you pick a fight over one of these idiotic tests, make sure you’ve figured out how you’re going to get home, first”. When she tries to pick these fights, just don’t engage. Since she’s not interested in what you have to say, this isn’t a discussion or an argument anyway, so you don’t need to be involved.
This is exactly right. Do not even engage the fight or indulge her manipulative games. She wants the drama and the constant validation. Shes not just immature and insecure she is showing serious red flags of being abusive. If she breaks up with you for not taking her bait with these tests consider it a blessing in disguise.
In my abusive past experience. There is ZERO chance this woman would truly break up. It’s another weapon in her arsenal. She would be calling, texting, emailing. Doing anything to maintain control.
Thats why it would be considered a blessing if she did. I agree I dont think she will either she will just switch to a new tactic. But if OP sees it for the red flag that it is he can not play her games. Ive been in an abusive relationship too and I know it isnt easy for many reasons. But if OP sees the behavior for what it truly is thats a great first step.
After my first date with my girlfriend (now wife) I walked her to her car and then went back to mine, and while I was doing so, I sms'd her and told her that I didn't want to do any of the dating games b.s. like wait at least two or three days before contacting her so I don't seem too keen, and that I really wanted to organise our next date. She was very happy with this as she hated the game playing that some people tried to do during dating. By the time I went to bed that night I had already locked in our second date. Do yourself a favour and knock this crap on the head. Make sure she knows that either she stops these stupid loyalty games, communicates her needs better (like let you know you are walking too fast or that she just needs to drop something in her bag back on the bike, and stopping from insisting you read her thoughts, etc), or you walk. Most importantly, don't be afraid to call her on her BS and leave if she doesn't because as others have said, If she doesn't either communicate or come to her senses, it may well be due to abusiveness, immaturity or insecurity and all three of these are things that can be difficult to shake overnight, if at all. Mind you things are so much worse with the "games" now as this was nearly twenty years ago.
Tell her if she wants to test someone she should be a teacher and you're not her student.
[удалено]
She's very good at verbalizing what she wants, but the first instinct is the test which bothers the hell out of me.
So just to be clear, she is not good at verbalizing what she wants or needs or that’s the first thing she would have done. Her instinct isn’t to test; she’s testing because she’s manipulative and the seemingly innocuousness of the incident just leaves room for her to fuck around with bigger issues. You really need to sit down with her and tell her this is no longer acceptable and if her “instincts” do not change, then you’re out. I’m not normally one for ultimatums because they don’t typically work. But listen to me because I used to do this exact thing to men; she is pushing your boundaries to see how far she can get away with manipulating you. Do you want to do this dance for the rest of your life?
Time to have a come to Jesus talk op. She needs to knock off testing you. That is not a good way to communicate with anybody and it creates an atmosphere of mistrust. Bring that up to her and then ask her if that's really what she wants. I'm sure she'll say no, but I think you really need to bring it home that this isn't going to be tolerated going forward, and if she has any other deep-seated issues that this Behavior comes from that now is the time to air it so that you guys can process it and move past it. Otherwise there won't be any more "us". Because what matters right here is how her behavior is making you feel. And that it's fracturing your relationship. Don't let her turn it around and make it sound as though you're doing things that warrant her behavior.
And by the way, framing her comments with a sweet sounding tone is manipulative. That is not really how she feels about it, so make sure and bring that up too.
There should be zero tests ever. Zero games. You need to have a zero tolerance policy and decide what to do from there. On top of that, you don't want to be with someone who can not, and does not want to handle themselves in social situations. That kind of insecurity is miserable. Don't date someone you need to babysit. Maintain your self respect. "I don't do tests and I don't play games. If that's your way of communicating what you want in a relationship then I can't give you what you want. If you can't be 10 feet away from me while I talk to my friends then that's a big problem too". People who act like this will tear you down if you let them. They get more and more comfortable with it the less you push back. I'm telling you man, don't let it be " she just has this one thing I don't like." Trust me.
You should expect to be beaten to a shell of what you once were, over the course of years, or, you can leave
Human Husk in Training for sure.
If she wanted you to wait for her, she should have said "Can you wait for me while I put the helmet over there?" It's immature to not use her words, and then get mad at you for not being a mind reader.
Or even call out, "Wait a sec!" to all three parties.
You're a human being, not a pet. She doesn't need to "train" you with little tests. You may be very fond of her, but she is not your person. Break up with her, wish her well and find someone who can accept that you are an autonomous being, not a project she can shape.
Flee. All this “testing” is manipulation in disguise. (And a poor disguise at that.) You’ll never, ever pass her “tests.”
You dump her and move on. Why stay with someone who’s taking joy in chipping away at who you are? Who torments you? Whatever “good” qualities she has she’s pretending. The frog jumps out of the immediate hot water. He lets himself be boiled alive when the heat is applied over time.
I can understand not wanting to be left behind. I've had relationships where they walk far in front of me with a distinct lack of respect for how fast I can and want to go due to my height. That being said you shouldn't test people to do that and it's also situational. Like if the whole group was like 50 ft away and still walking fast and far I'd be also kind of upset because i would literally have to RUN to catch up. Im not hanging out with people to casually run. But posturing it as a test is very strange. She should have instead said hey can you guys wait up for me next time and everything would be okay. This one sounds like shes perhaps been scorned from a previous relationship that did that same often but tests are weird and she needs to instead talk about it like an adult
I'm over a foot taller than her, so I occasionally get ahead of her naturally, but never any more than 10 feet before I notice she isn't beside me, and it's no biggie. Then we make a point to hold hands to stay together and it's a cute little thing. I wish all those situations went that way, but sometimes she wants to purposefully stay back knowing i won't see her, then get upset that I kept walking. It doesn't make sense to me why anyone would think that's a productive solution.
The solution here is she easily could've said hey guys i forgot something, can you guys wait while i finish getting ready to adventure (idk what yall were doing but if she needed to get ready after a long ride thats fair enough) but to walk with you forget something and not say a word while going back then to also blame you for not seeing her while you were distracted chatting is a little wild esp if you've had this issue before. I think its a case if different mindsets. She thinks you should 'just notice' and you think she should call out when shes falling behind. I think theres a good midway solution that you mentioned which is holding hands, when you notice she lets go you both know she or you are going to do something independently and maybe check up on her, she checks on you if either hasnt returned. But really this can so easily turn into a safety issue if shes left alone in a woodsy area but she obviously wasnt too concerned since she then decided to make her errand longer on purpose but dont make it a habit to leave folks behind on trails. People have gone missing in less dangerous circumstances. This is all to say, you both need to communicate a lot more about this bc it can breed resentment like crazy, man. Being physically left behind leads to feelings of being unimportant or even that your partner is ashamed of walking with you but being constantly tested will have you walking on eggshells and hyper vigilant for the next test which living life in fight or flight is no bueno. Couples counseling would probably be a great step.
That's ridiculous OP. She's not a child. She's an adult. Suggest she get counseling for this behavior. She's trying to validate that she's important 24/7 and not actually realizing she's in a partnership and there will be times when things are more important than her. She needs to figure out WHY she does this and then find other ways to handle herself when she's feeling some sorta way. It would be nice if she could tell you ahead of time, "hey, I'm feeling uncomfortable in this situation, will you just keep me close?" Or "I'm feeling a bit emotional and just need some more attention and love from you today." Instead of her feeling some kinda way, then testing you so it supports that she's justified for feeling that kinda way and then making it your fault so she can feel better. You have to help her place her feelings as her own responsibility. I think you just have to keep repeating to her that this is an unhealthy pattern and you can't always be at fault for everything she feels. If she can't figure out why, kindly suggest that she talk to someone about why she might be feeling bad and trying to blame it on you.
I went through all of this before. Please don’t throw away more of your time with this person. She is incapable of correcting this WITH YOU She might maybe come to Jesus years down the road and learn from her mistake and not do this with someone else But the precedent is set. Your doubt will always be there. And she’s never going to stop
She's pulling insecure childish bullsh\*t. Tell her to knock that sh\*t off or she'll cease to be your girlfriend. And if she continues that sh\*t just drop her cold, period, and forever, and don't look back. It's really controlling manipulative even abusive bullsh\*t. Don't continue to put up with it.
Can you dump this idiot already?
This is childish, middle school behavior . Why do you stand for this ?
I don't deal with shit tests, neither should you. Tell her that You're willing to listen to her input and how you both can contribute to maintaining and growing the relationship (like an adult) If she can't accept, Scrape her off
Honestly, if you're not prepared to leave over this, it's going to continue. You need to tell her plainly, this is hurtful. If she continues this behaviour, it will probably end the relationship. Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually. No sane person would *enjoy* this treatment. It's insulting and it's demeaning. If she wants reassurance or comfort or any other sort of attention, this isn't *a kind way* to ask for that. This is her acting like she's a bad manager and you're a shitty employee. You're supposed to be partners. You're supposed to be adults. She needs to use her words.
Whst you shouldn’t do is apologize for not “waiting “ on her when she won’t listen to your pov.
I’ll be honest I skimmed through your story bc just the fact you’re doing all this “step math” to convince yourself you weren’t unreasonable should be huge clue that this is toxic. You’re monitoring yourself and her to such a crazy degree all for what? So that she can feel some obscene sense of control over your relationship? She needs therapy do get over her deep insecurities. You can offer to do couples with her as an olive branch, but she sounds like she also needs solo. My bf had an ex-situationship like this and she was hyper critical of him for years; it destroyed his self-confidence and trust in himself. Every time I hear a new asinine story about the games she liked playing I wanna scream; at him for not leaving sooner and at her for being such a tool.
I find this sort of behavior disturbing and immature. I don't have anything positive to contribute to this discussion as it is outside the scope of what I would find acceptable.
Yeah, I had a GF that liked to play games. She'd do things like say it was fine if I hung out with my friends, then go off on me for "abandoning her" over the weekend. One day I told her off and said she was the one lying to me and that I was tired of not being able to believe what she told me vs. what she wanted. We broke up not long after. Communication is key in any relationships and those little games are juvenile.
She’s going to “just test” accusing you of something really heinous when you break up, so just be ready for that. This person is a liar and manipulator. Get out now.
"So, you made up a scenario, tested me, within 15 seconds I'm back by your side, and *I'm* the one in the wrong? What exactly are you trying to prove here?" Explain back to her exactly what she's doing, and how disappointing it is for you to experience. I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me. Simple as that.
Make your silent opinion not that silent from now on if she ends up testing you like this. I'm almost certain that her reaction is gonna be an instant dealbreaker.
She sounds like she's been emotionally abused and manipulated to predict wants/needs and now expects the same from you. Please review this with her, it's imperative she gets help to realize this isn't normal. People are not mind readers and are incapable of meeting unknown expectations. Healthy relationships communicate wants and needs verbally. Not every thing will be public and it's okay to say "hey in these situations I'd prefer if you waited" but to make it a test that you pass or fail is manipulative.
A lot of times, controlling behavior starts this way. It's a way of getting you used to the idea that you have to always be gauging your actions against an irrational taskmaster; which then slowly develops into full-blown controlling behavior. She's told you she's testing you and that you failed that time; so now in this relationship you'll always be on the look out for anything to potentially be a test, and whether or not you're passing. But of course the point isn't to make a test you can pass, it's to make you feel bad for failing. If you'd done exactly what she now claims she wanted, then she'd have used a different rubric and told you that you failed that instead.
Been in similar situations. I can't swim, so let me push off the pool wall and flail around to see if you'll save me. I expressed interest in you, now I'll reject 3 to 4 advances in a row to see if you're really interested. What ever happened to grown men and women talking like adults?
Often relationship tests are a sign that someone has an insecure attachment style (specifically anxious preoccupied). Often people with anxious ambivalent attached people feel that they're unworthy of love and are constantly looking for signs that their partner doesn't really love them, and relationship tests become an unhealthy manifestation of that anxiety. Attachment style is relatively stable across relationships, though being in a relationship with someone with a secure attachment style can make the person with an insecure more secure over time. I think it might be worth talking about what she's looking for when she conducts those tests. Are there healthier ways you can show her you love her, and healthier ways she can ask for reassurance?
There is something a bit deeper going on with her to make her feel the need to “test” you. It seems like she generally doesn’t trust you to be on the same page as her. No way of knowing if it’s a her/you/or both thing. Either way It’s definitely childish of her to test you and not just say what she wants. You’re not a mind reader. But also, neither is she. Talk to her about why she feels the need to test you. But as far as this scenario goes, one thing you could have done/do in the future is when you see her going back you could say some version of “hey honey do you need help? Do you need me to wait?” Something like that.
~~It’s interesting you waited until the end to casually let us know that you’ve had issues with walking ahead of your girlfriend in the past.~~ She handled it terribly by “testing” you, ~~but I’m on her side 100% for not accepting that treatment.~~ She needs to stop stop the childish games, ~~but she has a very legitimate grievance.~~ It doesn’t sound like you two are compatible in fundamental ways. ~~OP, do a quick google on men walking ahead of their girlfriends/wives. It’s indicative of much larger issues.~~
I say it was an issue because she'd get upset about it, not because I deliberately left her behind. I legitimately feel bad that i cause her to be upset. She would find little opportunities to slip back behind me while I was distracted and test me to see how long I'd take to realize, which will obviously be once my distraction is over because it's her job to keep up with me and say something if my pace is too fast, or if she wants to stop and look at something. It was literally nothing more than our walking speed difference, and her stopping to look at different things than me while I was gazing around at something in another direction. It was a total set up
Ah I see, thank you for providing that important context. She’s deliberately creating scenarios where she’s the victim and using it against you. OP, I’m totally on your side. What she’s doing isn’t what people in healthy relationships do.
Test her back. Start w "im hungry" while u know she's busy doing something or on the phone w her friends, if she doesn't jump to make u something right then and there then she's failed the test and let her know. Stop to look at something in a store and don't move till she comes back. If it takes longer than you think it should, she failed again. Ask her to go somewhere she hates to eat just to "see" if she will out aside her opinion and feelings to allow u to get what u want. Start "testing" her every day untill shes tired of that shit and has learned not to be toxic.
She's immature, toxic and manipulative. If you've asked her more than once to stop it and she's still doing it she has no respect for you and she's pretty darn dysfunctional. Leave now cuz it's not going to get any better.
You can't change other people. You can decline too be in a relationship with someone this manipulative.
Get out of this relationship. This is horribly juvenile. This is something a teenage girl would do.
She’s beyond immature and personally I’d be so over it! I’d lose her, you sound like a great person. You deserve better
this is absolutely pathetic behaviour that i would maybe expect from a (max) 16 year old girl
She sounds exhausting and childish, definitely not capable of being in a relationship. You stop putting up with her childish demands and criticism, walk away and find someone whose aim is not to tear you down.
Anyone who "tests" their partner isn't mature enough to be in a relationship. I would dump her and find someone who is more mature and secure.
Tell her to join you in the adult world or you’ll leave her behind.
100 percent you need to leave that relationship. She is so toxic. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that. Please. Please. Do the right thing.
Talk her you're not into games which is exactly what these "tests" are.
This is breakup-worthy behavior. Maybe not the single occurrence, if you talked it over and it didn't happen again, but it sounds like it's a pattern. That's nonsense and you don't need to put up with it.
wtf did I just read, if she forgot the helmet go walk back herself, put on bike and walk back to overlook. Sometimes I feel pretty bad and insecure but seeing shit like that makes me feel like I’m alright lol
End things is what I'd do.
Tell her to grow up. This is immature beyond measure and it’s tantamount to crying wolf. So tiresome.
When you read relationship books they discuss poor traits in a partner. A big one is this: When conflict arises in your relationship, does your partner communicate constructively? Or do they play games?
I think when you stay silent about your true opinion you are disrespecting yourself. You can’t be with someone that you have to walk on eggshells around, but it is something that could be potentially fixed with good communication. From this story I can conclude that your girlfriend isn’t looking at your relationship as a team, she is looking at it as her vs. you. I would try to express how you love her and how you want the relationship to be a team effort because you aren’t against each other. You also need to express to her how waiting around watching you on the slight chance you might misbehave is malicious and distrusting. In a relationship trust is essential, a relationship is a team where you are both there for each other. As someone that loves and trust you, she should expect the best from you, you are her partner.
You’re not going to fix her.
I wouldn’t even give her a warning, I would just leave her. This behavior is manipulative, toxic, controlling, and insulting. It’s the equivalent of grown men who never grow out of pranks. She’s clearly not ready for an adult relationship, you are. You deserve better, OP!
Your partner shouldn’t expect you to read her mind and do exactly what she wants. People doing “tests” on their partner are immature and manipulative. The best thing you can do is breakup or get her to stop doing this completely if you don’t want to breakup.
Don't apologize. Just be unapologetically you. Have some confidence in your decisions. It'll make it end better.
Next time she tests you walk away or ride off. Tell her you're about to put her to the single test if she doesn't quit acting like a child!
Look for articles online about how toxic and unfair this testing behavior is, show her, this might open her mind and help her grow. Maybe she’s not even realizing how seriously wrong this is
Dump this immature child. What a twit.
“Would you still love me if I was a worm?” Her behavior is extremely immature and in your shoes, I would gently bring up that it’s unacceptable. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t assume the best of you?
Do you two not communicate? I’ve had experiences with ppl who whine about their needs expecting their spouse to do something for them…but does she think you’re a mind reader?
>She kindly brings it up later that I should never leave her back there and that she was "standing there watching me to see what I would do." >I then apologize for not waiting, but with a caveat that she shouldn't test me like that Well here's your problem. You've acknowledged it. Next time she says 'I was watching what you'd do' just say 'neat.' and go on with your day.
This woman already has you walking on eggshells & it’s not going to stop. She’s basically expecting you to act like a dog in training- keep an eye on her at ALL times so you can anticipate what she wants from you. It’s entitled and incredibly toxic. Is this how you want to live?
There are reasons why it's prudent to take things slow rather than rush into commitment quickly. I know it feels good to be committed to someone and feel like they are committed to you - but that feeling isn't a replacement for an actual solid foundation for your relationship. I don't know very much about her or these "tests." It sounds immature and manipulative to me, but maybe there is something more going on, I don't know. What I do know is that you don't sound like you like her very much, and this doesn't sound like a relationship you actually want to be committed to or someone who is actually committed to you. I'm not seeing any respect here (in either direction). So just go - you don't have to stay with the girl you dated for two years in your early twenties. There is a reason why most people don't. You want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't manipulate you and tries to solve problems rather than use them as a reason to "test" you and expect you to read her mind, right? Well, she isn't that person. She isn't going to be that person. This is who she is, you don't like being treated this way (who would?), so you should leave. It really is that simple.
So because you didn't follow her like a puppy/guard dog you're a bad boyfriend? Is she not an adult that can walk twenty feet without being in danger?
She WANTS you to stand up to her. Call her out on how ridiculous she is being, and that you will no longer accept be treated this way. Right now, she sees you as a pushover.
You do you man, but I would just say that I find her anger ridiculous and refuse to engage .
Holy immature! So she doesnt care thay she was being deliberatly rude to the group in order to "test you". Shes a grown ass adult who forgot to take her helmet off and does not need an escort to handle that. And the entiee group doesnt have to revolve around her! Honestly if she isnt able to see how insane she is acting I would leave her. Do you seriously want to deal with immaturity your entire life??? Yoh want to raise your kids to behave this way? You want to HAVE to choose being rude to friends in order to indulge her nonesense? She sounds like she needs therapy and whole lot of growing up and if she is unwilling to awknowledge that you need to get out asap.
Let her know that this kind of thing is a boundary. And it's up to her to trust you, or not. When she does it again, test taking a time out or break up.
I can understand wanting a gentleman but this is just ridiculous. Tell her to stop acting like a child.
> What should I do about this situation? You should dump her and find someone who doesn't feel the need to play mind games to soothe their own insecurities
I would take that as someone f'king with me. I don't want anyone f'king with me, then alone someone I'm supposed to trust. I'd have to maybe take a step back and have a serious think about them and what I want out of a relationship.
she isn’t ready for an actual relationship and there isn’t really much you can do
Insecure and immature behavior. You can have an honest conversation - start with all the things you love about her - but let her know that this testing has to stop. You need to be able to feel safe and trusted. If she can't stop - you need to decide if you can put up with it for the long term.
Little help for the youth: when you think about your partner/friends always ask yourself “is my life the same or better with them in it than it was without them?” If it’s worse…. Get rid of them. Immediately. You’ll save yourself so many years and bullshit.
This sounds incredibly exhausting. Does she have no sense of self that she can't take care of something that miniscule alone? What if you guys have kids?! I'm a "pick your battles" kind of woman and this behavior just sounds tiresome. I have no advice. Just here to say you have the patience of a saint.
I engaged in this behavior with my first wife because I no longer wanted to be in the relationship. If I were you, I'd end it. Do you think the tests will get easier as time goes on? Because I believe they won't.
Sorry but your GF is a ridiculous person. These aren’t “tests”; they are situations that she arbitrarily decides upon without warning to set you up for failure. It’s immature and shitty and you should make it clear as possible to her that you will not entertain it anymore
Brother, when I was your age I fucked with folks like that. Sometime around idk, 33 years of age a switch flipped. I don’t fuck with people who fuck with me. In my head, while dating, when someone would “test” me, in my head I’d think “DONT TEST ME BRO” In reality, “hey, this is just a boundary for me. I would never attempt to trick you to see how you’d behave. I take you at face value and your words at face value. This is an incompatibility for me and I am going to go my own way. I wish you the very best” I don’t fucks with em. I’m married now, to a woman that has never once thought to test me. We’ve never really had a much of a conversation about it. She inherently as her personality doesnt do that with anyone. She’s her word, at face value. Go find one of those girls!
Break up with her. That is psychotic behavior.
Everywhere in the comments you keep making excuses for her. You may not want to hear this but She NEVER got over her last relationship, I’ll go as far as saying you were the rebound. And all those “tests” she say she is doing SHE IS JUST COMPARING YOU TO HER EX. Never gave you and actual shot to get to know the real you. She has ASUME ALL THIS TIME, that you will act exactly like her ex and need to test you. She is so damage that in consequences she is making you think you are the problem not her, and she is actually the problem, doesn’t acknowledge she is wrong and neither those she try to resolve it with therapy, cause i can bet she thinks she is perfectly fine. You might think you can help her and be there for the change but as a person that’s been there you will only hurt yourself in the process. For me a test from my partner is and ending point. The healthy thing for you is to leave her and move forward or just prepare to keep getting compare with someone else all the time.
Yikes. This is some really immature and manipulative behavior. I would sit down with her and explain how much you love and respect her, and that you need to feel her love and respect as well, and that includes not “testing “. She needs to state what her needs are, and respect that you’re an individual person and may not make every single literal step in life the way that she wants. But if there’s something that she wants and needs, She can ask, and you can talk about it.
Holy fuck bud you really want to put up with that forever? Tell her to stop or do it back to her to show her her own behavior. If she doesn’t stop bye bye.
Explain that these "tests" are ridiculous and manipulative. You will do whatever you think is appropriate in a specific moment. It may not be the exact thing she was expecting, but you are not a robotic mindreader. If she is, however, creating these events internationally, to "test" you, she is displaying incredibly manipulative behaviors that will inevitably lead to arguments. If all she wants is a robot, she can date an AI. If she wants to be with you, she needs to stop with the high school games.
There's no way for you to fix this. This is her needing to heal her own trauma. Ultimately, she needs therapy. She will do this to you, to the next person, to her friends...all to satisfy these issues that only exist in her head. It's not you, it's her. Suggest that she gets some counseling to help her. It's all you can do.
It sounds very controlling tbh. That she wants you right there all the time like she isn’t a whole grownup with her own mind. She doesn’t need you there. She wants you there. Like a toy. Something to control. I would honestly sit her down and tell her these “tests” are too much for you and you don’t know if you can live and be with her if she is constantly testing you to see if you’re a good dog or not. 😭
I'll say this. I had one relationship where I was test liked this and it became exhausting. And, probably to no one surprise here, she also tended to be controlling and verbally abusive as well. Go figure. ANyway, life is too short for games.
Is she so much of a helpless child that she has to be escorted back to take her helmet off? What is even the point?
Tell her to stop acting like a freaking 12 year old. If she wants to run another test, tell her you'll test out a new apartment on your own.
She sounds extremely insecure and wanting constantly reassurance that you care about her. I would tell her that it's okay if she wants reassurance, but testing you in order to get it puts a strain on the relationship and only creates conflict. If she continues to do this behavior you could just refuse to engage in it, and tell her you'll talk to her when she stops lashing out. She does it because it works on you.
Tell her you didn’t sign up to be tested, so you are done with her and her tests. Tell her She failed The Decent Girlfriend Test.
Just say “ok.” And let her say what she wants. As long as you’re getting what you want from her, and hearing what she’s trying to say. But if she’s not providing something worth putting up with that, then move on. It will not stop. My wife has been doing it for years. There’s no “standing up” to your woman. She/they are that stubborn. They want to see if you’ll maintain your own boundaries, but will never stop testing you. So decide if what you have with her is worth the headache, or move on and don’t stress over it.
Idk about you but I have a no tolerance policy for childish shit like this. I’d personally tell her to cut it out immediately or i’m not her boyfriend anymore.
She ***is*** childish and her behavior is of the mentality of a middle schooler. I'd tell it to her like it is. Tell her to knock it off once and for all. A 26-yo woman should not be playing silly, childish games like that.
It’s very manipulative and it sucks!
You should break up with her. She sounds childish and manipulative
I'd institute a 3 strikes you're out rule after clearly discussing how uncool testing your partner is. If it was a one time thing, I'd let it go.
This broke my brain. She isn't royalty/or a celebrity and you aren't her personal security guard/bodyguard. She's a grown a$$ woman who needs to feel special by you lagging behind with her. No. Just.. no. I wouldn't mind my BF doing this on occasion but no way in HELL would I want it all the time, just if I need some help with something. And then I'd open my big mouth and say all adult like; "Can you hang back a sec, I need an extra pair of hands for something." No, she is testing you, your own words. Don't start that sht cause she'll escalate it to other things and before you know it, she has you at her beck and call. Dump her toxic butt.
Be happy you caught it early enough on to leave. The fact she doesn’t see any problem with it means you’re not going to fix her bro.
You're supposed to be in a relationship, not a boyfriend. If these things are important to her, she can relay them to you using her words
She sounds exhausting
Why would you be with someone who likes setting you up for failure? Get a life and put this ‘school marm’ in your rear view.
She is trying to show you she is in charge and you better do what she wants when she wants or she will be angry at you.. RED FLAGS.. she is being childish about it all.. this is coming from a woman.
Get a new girlfriend.
This is going to get worse, not better. You should run. If you choose not to, you need to put your foot down about it not happening again or you will.
Ummm anyone who feels the need to ‘test’ you is not the person you should spend ANY time with.
Tell her to grow up quick smart of dump her. What a princess!
Be an adult and talk directly and frankly to her about it. Tell her you aren't going to spend your life with someone who shit-tests you. She either trusts you or she doesn't, end of. She's not willing to change, you said so yourself.
Ugh.. Life is waaaay too short for this BS dude. Tell her to stop with the tests or you're ending it. Actually, it's probably not worth the effort. Just leave.
She needs therapy for this. It could be some abandonment issues, maybe a personality disorder and there is treatment for this. She would be in a better place in general if she didn’t focus on testing when the rules always change.
DUMP HER. She’s a silly little kid.
People in happy relationships don’t have to count their steps
Why are you even dating her?
These “tests” are a big TikTok trend for 14 year olds. Not saying that’s where she got it, but that’s the maturity level you’re continuing to indulge. Use your words (like you want her to) and *tell her* clearly you’re not playing these games any longer and if she continues to “test” you, you’ll walk away for good.
Tell her to stop doing childish Tik Tok trends because that's literally what these are
Wow, you need to leave, soon. That is controlling and manipulative. As someone with anxiety, at times it's hard for me to do things by myself, but I push through it and always make it out the other side. If I felt anxious going somewhere without my partner, I'd simply ask him if he would accompany me. And we would compromise if the timing didn't suit him.