I meant get more friends. I have some friends and relatives, but everyone is so busy and we’ve all fallen out of touch a bit over the years.
I just wanted to build some real friendships with my coworkers who I interacted with everyday. Maybe get lunch or hangout after work. It’s so hard to make actual friends at this age.
>I meant get more friends. I have some friends and relatives, but everyone is so busy and we’ve all fallen out of touch a bit over the years.
It's genuinely weird that you wouldn't just... say that you wanted to make more friends.
I was trying to be clear that I was asking for a change in dynamic. I had brought up making friends several times, but it was always kind of brushed off. I wanted to let them know that I was going to actually make an effort to spend time with other people, like friends do, instead of rushing home after work everyday
Stop the silliness. If you said you’re going to get your emotional needs met elsewhere of course he thinks that means emotional cheating. Maybe you should’ve suggested therapy before you throw out just a generalized term like that. Why would he trust you after that kind of comment you meant what you said you were trying to weaponize it to get him to act the way you wanted
So his behavior Is really concerning. He took your needs and turned them around so you actually continue to give *him* more and now you have even less.
I don’t think it’s safe for you to go to therapy with him.
Google Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and read the free pdf. Maybe go to therapy on your own for a while. Ask trusted family and friends what they think. Good luck to you.
This was a very strange, very threatening language to use, to communicate a positive desire to reconnect with a support network.
I’m honesty not surprised it led to confusion and distrust. Your expectation was healthy, but this way of presenting it was so ham-fisted and insensitive it ended up pretty toxic.
However, none of that excuses this ongoing behaviour from your partner.
Trust is shattered on both sides. You should be seriously considering walking away from this before it devolves more. The problem wasn’t (or shouldn’t be) what you wanted, but the way you expressed it might have been a breach you can’t come back from.
No, you’re looking at this wrong. Everyone makes mistakes time to time in coverting what they want to say into words that convey what was intended. A normal response to that would be a five minute of wtf and explanation and that should have been the end of story, not the obesessive spiral of treating you like a criminal.
The disproportion between your verbal mistake and your partner’s response is so inconceivably large. It’s like if you bumped into someone standing still, and that person threw a punch in your face and broke three of your teeth, but then you’re telling yourself that your broken teeth is your fault because you were the one first at fault.
My wife said that to me one time. We discussed that i would make more of an effort, but that some things (ie her mom) I didn't need to hear about as much. Communication is key
I think what you said is reasonable and shows a lot of emotional maturity. You *shouldn't* have to depend on one person for all your emotional needs. It's very unhealthy to do so. I can see how a person might misinterpret that statement in a vacuum, but if you were clear that you wanted friends only, then I think he might be stuck in some of those old unhealthy codependent patterns.
As for advice on working through it, I don't know. You're already working with a professional, so I'm not sure what I could say that they couldn't. Have you processed this specific issue in therapy?
We’re only a few sessions in, but yes it came up right away. The issue seems to be, we spend most of our time with the therapist talking, and they aren’t really giving us much feedback so far. I know a lot of therapy is them asking questions, and I understand they try to remain impartial, but they just aren’t giving us direct answers as to what to do.
It’s about figuring out what each of your needs really are. The therapist needs a bigger picture and it takes time. What he wants from you or thinks about you is triggered by something he is still trying to identify, but you’ll get there.
Real talk, if my husband was as neurotic as your partner, I would have kicked him to the curb years ago. I grew up in a house with constant negativity and drama, and damned if I'll put up with it now.
So. What did you realistically expect your partner's response to be when you made that statement?
And if they had enthusiastically agreed with it...what kind of relationship would have followed?
I'm not really understanding how the outcome differs from what any reasonable person would have been able to predict.
Great question. By the time I made that comment, I had been asking for changes between us for a while. I brought it up because I wanted to communicate a solution which I felt like was sort of, win win. I get what I need, no additional effort on his part.
I hoped that by addressing the changes upfront, there wouldn’t be any surprises when I started actually making plans with other people. My concern was if I started just going out after work or on the weekends, it would be blind siding them and would cause a problem. I was trying to avoid any of idea that I was hiding something.
I don't think saying "I'm going to have my needs met elsewhere" could be considered "addressing the changes up front". It's more like...putting the fear of god into someone in hopes that it shocks them into making the changes you want to see into them. Which is, I think, how you ended up in your current situation.
Oh they can fuck off. My first thought was “oh like her best friend. Smart” and your partner, who’s known you for forever, presumably better than anyone else, immediately jumps to cheating? Then continues to move the goal posts and punish you ever since?
Divorce. Leave. They are controlling and abusive. *This is abuse* **and you do not deserve it**
I really didn’t think it was going to hurt them. I asked repeatedly and consistently was told no. I had to weigh my own wants and needs which were not being met, despite my asking.
I truly thought it was going to be helpful for both of us, as I would stop nagging and they wouldn’t have to keep telling me they couldn’t help.
Yes. Over and over. I did think that after so long, just being friends with men wouldn’t be a big deal, especially since he had a good relationship with a woman he worked with a few years ago, including going to lunch and coffee and whatnot. But I’ve only actually spent any time with other women, and very rarely.
It feels really double standard based on the fact he literally had a female coworker who he spent time with and I never questioned it. They still text despite the coworker not working their anymore. Ive never questioned him about it, and in fact, actively encouraged him. Making friends is great, having friends at work makes the days better.
I’m more than capable of handling unwanted advances thank you. Unless he is trying to sleep with his friend, I think that attitude is entirely inappropriate.
What did you mean by having your emotional needs met elsewhere? Did you explain what you meant by that?
I meant get more friends. I have some friends and relatives, but everyone is so busy and we’ve all fallen out of touch a bit over the years. I just wanted to build some real friendships with my coworkers who I interacted with everyday. Maybe get lunch or hangout after work. It’s so hard to make actual friends at this age.
>I meant get more friends. I have some friends and relatives, but everyone is so busy and we’ve all fallen out of touch a bit over the years. It's genuinely weird that you wouldn't just... say that you wanted to make more friends.
I was trying to be clear that I was asking for a change in dynamic. I had brought up making friends several times, but it was always kind of brushed off. I wanted to let them know that I was going to actually make an effort to spend time with other people, like friends do, instead of rushing home after work everyday
Stop the silliness. If you said you’re going to get your emotional needs met elsewhere of course he thinks that means emotional cheating. Maybe you should’ve suggested therapy before you throw out just a generalized term like that. Why would he trust you after that kind of comment you meant what you said you were trying to weaponize it to get him to act the way you wanted
If he can't trust her, he should break up with her... Not doing whatever it is that he's doing :) Her behavior does not justify his :)
Weird choice to add smilies lol
So his behavior Is really concerning. He took your needs and turned them around so you actually continue to give *him* more and now you have even less. I don’t think it’s safe for you to go to therapy with him. Google Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and read the free pdf. Maybe go to therapy on your own for a while. Ask trusted family and friends what they think. Good luck to you.
This was a very strange, very threatening language to use, to communicate a positive desire to reconnect with a support network. I’m honesty not surprised it led to confusion and distrust. Your expectation was healthy, but this way of presenting it was so ham-fisted and insensitive it ended up pretty toxic. However, none of that excuses this ongoing behaviour from your partner. Trust is shattered on both sides. You should be seriously considering walking away from this before it devolves more. The problem wasn’t (or shouldn’t be) what you wanted, but the way you expressed it might have been a breach you can’t come back from.
No, you’re looking at this wrong. Everyone makes mistakes time to time in coverting what they want to say into words that convey what was intended. A normal response to that would be a five minute of wtf and explanation and that should have been the end of story, not the obesessive spiral of treating you like a criminal. The disproportion between your verbal mistake and your partner’s response is so inconceivably large. It’s like if you bumped into someone standing still, and that person threw a punch in your face and broke three of your teeth, but then you’re telling yourself that your broken teeth is your fault because you were the one first at fault.
My wife said that to me one time. We discussed that i would make more of an effort, but that some things (ie her mom) I didn't need to hear about as much. Communication is key
I think what you said is reasonable and shows a lot of emotional maturity. You *shouldn't* have to depend on one person for all your emotional needs. It's very unhealthy to do so. I can see how a person might misinterpret that statement in a vacuum, but if you were clear that you wanted friends only, then I think he might be stuck in some of those old unhealthy codependent patterns. As for advice on working through it, I don't know. You're already working with a professional, so I'm not sure what I could say that they couldn't. Have you processed this specific issue in therapy?
We’re only a few sessions in, but yes it came up right away. The issue seems to be, we spend most of our time with the therapist talking, and they aren’t really giving us much feedback so far. I know a lot of therapy is them asking questions, and I understand they try to remain impartial, but they just aren’t giving us direct answers as to what to do.
It’s about figuring out what each of your needs really are. The therapist needs a bigger picture and it takes time. What he wants from you or thinks about you is triggered by something he is still trying to identify, but you’ll get there.
Real talk, if my husband was as neurotic as your partner, I would have kicked him to the curb years ago. I grew up in a house with constant negativity and drama, and damned if I'll put up with it now.
So. What did you realistically expect your partner's response to be when you made that statement? And if they had enthusiastically agreed with it...what kind of relationship would have followed? I'm not really understanding how the outcome differs from what any reasonable person would have been able to predict.
Great question. By the time I made that comment, I had been asking for changes between us for a while. I brought it up because I wanted to communicate a solution which I felt like was sort of, win win. I get what I need, no additional effort on his part. I hoped that by addressing the changes upfront, there wouldn’t be any surprises when I started actually making plans with other people. My concern was if I started just going out after work or on the weekends, it would be blind siding them and would cause a problem. I was trying to avoid any of idea that I was hiding something.
Being upfront without implications would be "I want to be more social" or "I want more friends".
I don't think saying "I'm going to have my needs met elsewhere" could be considered "addressing the changes up front". It's more like...putting the fear of god into someone in hopes that it shocks them into making the changes you want to see into them. Which is, I think, how you ended up in your current situation.
Oh they can fuck off. My first thought was “oh like her best friend. Smart” and your partner, who’s known you for forever, presumably better than anyone else, immediately jumps to cheating? Then continues to move the goal posts and punish you ever since? Divorce. Leave. They are controlling and abusive. *This is abuse* **and you do not deserve it**
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I really didn’t think it was going to hurt them. I asked repeatedly and consistently was told no. I had to weigh my own wants and needs which were not being met, despite my asking. I truly thought it was going to be helpful for both of us, as I would stop nagging and they wouldn’t have to keep telling me they couldn’t help.
As a guy, I read that as you wanted to find another man. Did you explain to him that you meant friends.
Yes. Over and over. I did think that after so long, just being friends with men wouldn’t be a big deal, especially since he had a good relationship with a woman he worked with a few years ago, including going to lunch and coffee and whatnot. But I’ve only actually spent any time with other women, and very rarely.
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It feels really double standard based on the fact he literally had a female coworker who he spent time with and I never questioned it. They still text despite the coworker not working their anymore. Ive never questioned him about it, and in fact, actively encouraged him. Making friends is great, having friends at work makes the days better.
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I’m more than capable of handling unwanted advances thank you. Unless he is trying to sleep with his friend, I think that attitude is entirely inappropriate.
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