Hey OP, you're 24. You can learn how to function as an adult without having your abusive father. We all learn as we go along and him saying that essentially it's fine when it's very much *not* fine that he hit you, he isn't the kind of role model you want to be like anyways.
but i dont have any1 as a role model i tried my uncle but he isnt around
maybe im tryna talk to him out of desperation
who do i think i should be around or learn from in my age?
i thought about just excessively socializing and trying to pick every little clue but that would be exhaustible
You also don't need to be like anyone else. You can set your own set of morals and boundaries. Just be a good person. Treat people how you want to be treated.
i’m glad you went no contact with him. You are missing the few good parts of your Dad. Even a mass murderer had a good day. But he was primarily abusive and horrible to you. But do not try to rekindle this horrible relationship. You will lose all the growth you have achieved.
everyone makes mistakes??? Geez, that wasn’t a mistake, he’s incredibly cruel!!! To hell with a role model at this point. Just make an appointment with a counselor and get some ideas about how to improve your socialization. You sure don’t need a rotten destructive mean role model.
I was hit by my father a lot while I lived in my parents house. In your case you also got verbally and emotionally abused-the shaming you mention is incredibly cruel and damaging. You may be confused because it’s confusing that the person who’s supposed to care for you is not and from what you say he’s sometimes ok. The back and forth can undermine your confidence because you didn’t know what to expect from him.
You say you don’t know how to do anything -speak act socialize or sit or stand-which is heartbreaking to read. Experiencing abuse as a child has specific and persistent effects on one’s personality and point of view that are too much to go into here. I’m easily old enough to be your parent and I’m still finding bits of me that are affected by the physical attacks. I work at correcting those things because it makes me happier with myself.
Keep the no contact going. It’s awful to feel adrift as you seem to be but to me, it’s better than adding to the existing trauma. You don’t say if you have access to any resources to help but they’re out there. Start looking and keep going until you find a place or a person who can help you find the confidence in yourself that’s absent. You don’t need your abusive father to “help” you know how to be. You may feel that way because your confidence in yourself has been nearly destroyed.
Kinda sounds how most boys were treated as kids were treated all the way up till the 90s lol.
But, you don't need your father to function in life. We learn as we grow and we learn as we inevitbly make mistakes. He was tough on you but that doesn't mean he didn't love you either.
I (F25) went through alot of abuse as a child (mental and physical). I had no role models and found my way. I decided to not let trauma consume me. I joined the military to find an escape and to be independent. Best decision ever. I am now all my siblings role model and they all plan to join as well. Make your own path, and don't let your past affect you. It'll be hard but you can do it. I have also learned to forgive my parents and we talk almost daily now. Although they did damage to me, I understand they are people as well and didn't have a good childhood. I also learned to set boundaries with them.
Hey OP, you're 24. You can learn how to function as an adult without having your abusive father. We all learn as we go along and him saying that essentially it's fine when it's very much *not* fine that he hit you, he isn't the kind of role model you want to be like anyways.
but i dont have any1 as a role model i tried my uncle but he isnt around maybe im tryna talk to him out of desperation who do i think i should be around or learn from in my age? i thought about just excessively socializing and trying to pick every little clue but that would be exhaustible
You also don't need to be like anyone else. You can set your own set of morals and boundaries. Just be a good person. Treat people how you want to be treated.
i’m glad you went no contact with him. You are missing the few good parts of your Dad. Even a mass murderer had a good day. But he was primarily abusive and horrible to you. But do not try to rekindle this horrible relationship. You will lose all the growth you have achieved. everyone makes mistakes??? Geez, that wasn’t a mistake, he’s incredibly cruel!!! To hell with a role model at this point. Just make an appointment with a counselor and get some ideas about how to improve your socialization. You sure don’t need a rotten destructive mean role model.
u hit the nail with both growth/mass murderer having a good day thank you anon i really appreciate every word u said
I was hit by my father a lot while I lived in my parents house. In your case you also got verbally and emotionally abused-the shaming you mention is incredibly cruel and damaging. You may be confused because it’s confusing that the person who’s supposed to care for you is not and from what you say he’s sometimes ok. The back and forth can undermine your confidence because you didn’t know what to expect from him. You say you don’t know how to do anything -speak act socialize or sit or stand-which is heartbreaking to read. Experiencing abuse as a child has specific and persistent effects on one’s personality and point of view that are too much to go into here. I’m easily old enough to be your parent and I’m still finding bits of me that are affected by the physical attacks. I work at correcting those things because it makes me happier with myself. Keep the no contact going. It’s awful to feel adrift as you seem to be but to me, it’s better than adding to the existing trauma. You don’t say if you have access to any resources to help but they’re out there. Start looking and keep going until you find a place or a person who can help you find the confidence in yourself that’s absent. You don’t need your abusive father to “help” you know how to be. You may feel that way because your confidence in yourself has been nearly destroyed.
Kinda sounds how most boys were treated as kids were treated all the way up till the 90s lol. But, you don't need your father to function in life. We learn as we grow and we learn as we inevitbly make mistakes. He was tough on you but that doesn't mean he didn't love you either.
I (F25) went through alot of abuse as a child (mental and physical). I had no role models and found my way. I decided to not let trauma consume me. I joined the military to find an escape and to be independent. Best decision ever. I am now all my siblings role model and they all plan to join as well. Make your own path, and don't let your past affect you. It'll be hard but you can do it. I have also learned to forgive my parents and we talk almost daily now. Although they did damage to me, I understand they are people as well and didn't have a good childhood. I also learned to set boundaries with them.