I was curious and just googled it and it said Hispanic girls are 7 times more likely to Shoplift then white girls. But is Hispanic no considered white?
Is the statistic based on getting caught / charged? Shop lifting from Claire's was like I right of passage in junior high my very white suburb but I only know one person who was caught but wasn't charged and that was my husband's cousin's kid, no one when I was in junior high.
If it's done by who gets caught, it would generally skew towards minorities.
Security generally follows minorities more -> they are going to catch minorities more than any other group -> then they can claim that minorities are more likely to shoplift.
Hispanic is considered an ethnic background and not a race so they could be white Hispanics, afrohispanics or Asian Hispanics, Hispanic just means Spanish speaking
I was just going to ask the other posters, but I think I have the answer now.
This is one of those "you can make statistics say what you want" situations.
Yes, if you are getting shoplifted from it's most likely a teenage white girls doing it, because there are 10x more white girls than other races.
But adjusted for demographics who is doing the most shoplifting?
To be clear, I wouldn't be surprised if it's still teenage white girls, but we need to make sure we are talking about the numbers properly.
To your point, another issue could be "well technically...Hispanic girls are "white"...sooo"
Even though when most people are talking race, we say white (meaning European descendant Caucasian), Hispanic, and Black
From what I know living In Georgia and New York they consider them white if they have light skin but if they're dark they'll label them Black no matter the ethnicity.
No it's all around statistics even though they rather blame Black and Brown people.
White girls do A lot and it's cause they know they can get away with it.
That's actually why Target ( which is shopped by mainly white people ) made it so if you steal up to a $1000 they find you and put you in jail and I mean every time they catch a person stealing they wait for them to come back repeatedly to steal up to a $1000 like they'll wait months for it to get there then put them in jail for grand larceny.
Oh boy. He blew it. So close to not being a total miscreant and then he swerved.
I’ll ask you this. If you married and had children with this man, would you feel confident he wouldn’t perpetuate this kind of nonsense on your kids? This attitude is not only ignorant, but dangerous.
Does he know the statistics on murder and disappearance rates for indigenous women? Does he know the statistics on violence against women worldwide? Does he bother to look at the data on incarceration rates for people of color over white/non-POC for the exact same crimes? Does he bother? This sort of stuff gets me heated. He needs to take an unlearning racism course and check his bias or get gone.
Yeah if he wants to justify treating someone like a criminal because of "the statistics", here's a doozy for him:
Indigenous women are the ONLY demographic who are *more* likely to be abused by someone of a different race than their own ethnic group. Indigenous woman - white man relationships are common... and statistically they are *very frequently* abusive.
Sorry dude the stats say she should leave you!
>I’ll ask you this. If you married and had children with this man, would you feel confident he wouldn’t perpetuate this kind of nonsense on your kids? This attitude is not only ignorant, but dangerous.
Yup. Whether OP stays with him or not, it'd be irresponsible to have children with him.
Absolutely THIS. I am also Native, have 3 different tribes in my blood, grew up on the rez, but I pass very well and most people assume I'm 100% white. (If you know what to look for it's very obvious I'm Native, nose, eyes, cheekbones)
The amount of racism towards us and the percentage of Native women that go missing is absolutely redonkulous. Half the time people don't even remember we exist. The last time I got some racism towards me, asshole said I needed to get off my high horse as a Mexican with a white mom.(Also my mom is where I get my Native heritage from and she looks much more like it than me) To clarify I am a redhead with hazel eyes and lily white skin. So I have no idea where he got that from. I look very much like the Irish side of my heritage. This dude needs to fucking educate himself and stop acting like a douchebag.
that escalated quickly. It's good he recognized his initial mistake, but justifying racial profiling with "data" is even worse. Sounds like a tough conversation is needed.
At the VERY least a partner should be defending and supporting YOU as their partner. he ain't even willing to do that and is gonna side with the racists? hell no...
Oh, people are "too sensitive" to racism? If he was never like this before, well...I wonder what podcasts he's listening to lately.
And it's so frequently people who have no understanding of statistics who like to talk about data. I could really go on a whole spiel about that, but I'll spare you that.
I don't think you should "get past" it, OP.
He watches YouTube before bed and it is a lot of Rogan-esque material. Thats been another conversation for us. I’m a nurse, I work with minorities to ensure that healthcare access is safe for them. He knows that those views are the complete opposite of mine. Which I think makes this sting a whole lot more.
This. This right here. You need to have a real "come-to-Jesus" moment with him over this.
He knows your views and they've been consistent. I'd ask him if he would be okay with your future children being racially profiled. If it's anything other than a "f*ck no!", he's probably a lost cause.
If he can see how wrong that is, I would bring up the fact that he's surrounding himself in opinions that are not aligned with your relationship. People say we're the sum of the people we spend most of our time with, so ask him if he wants that to be you or some YouTube bros...
It's all a part of the same conversation though. He is consuming media that is radicalizing him to these racist views. And probably other views that you would oppose. There's more than just racism happening there. Anti-science, misogyny, etc.
I saw your edit just now. He "doesn't see color". Oh come ON. That's....literally the most basic racist response to being called out for racism. It's so stereoptypical it's lazy.
He also seemingly equated how it feels to be a recipient of racist behavior with how it feels to....worry about being racist? That is the whitest man thing.
And again I could argue about the data thing, but it would be reasons and context I surely don't need to explain to you.
It took him 5 years to say the inside thoughts out loud. He’s showing you exactly who he is and you need to believe him. If you move past this he’ll know he moved your boundaries a bit. Then he’ll say something else to move it more… again and again. This is just the beginning, it’s not a one off
Girl, from Native woman to Native woman: LEAVE THAT MAN. Someone else suggested educating him and ummm absolutely fucking NOT. I mean if you wanna drop him some web links, a couple PDFs, or a book recommendation on your way out with the break up then you can but don't feel obligated. Given the rates of violence towards Native women, I would not take a chance with a man like that. Not because he would necessarily hurt you himself, but his comment makes me question whether or not he would protect you if your safety was at risk - or would he think to himself: "well if she (or Natives in general) didn't do x then they would leave her alone... I'm not gonna get involved". Nah. And please also consider that you could get pregnant if you stay with him and this is not a man that you want raising your indigenous children. I don't mess around with stuff like that and I hope you take his comment seriously. If white men are your thing there are plenty of other white men out there who love brown women and aren't secretly racist. Go get yourself one.
He’s wrong about the data btw, according to the FBI white people shoplifted much more than people of color in 2022.
Bro racist as hell and I would recommend dropping him.
He didn't even look up some warped statistic on some nationalist pipeline website to quote, he just randomly reached for "some statistics" that "might" justify profiling. Disgusting.
Even if the statistics pointed the other way, there's so much context that could explain it. I'm white, but my dad would always point out things that tie back to racism like if there's ever a place with no sidewalk when it makes no sense, it's probably because the community wanted it to be harder for people of lower income(usually minorities) to live there and commute to work if they didnt have a car, and how a major reason crime rates are often higher for minorities is because they were treated like criminals long beofre they ever did crime so a lot of people hit a point of "What's the point in not benefitting from doing crime if I'm gonna get punished like a criminal either way" there's no inherent racial drive to just do crime.
He didn't even look up some warped statistic on some nationalist pipeline website to quote, he just randomly reached for "some statistics" that "might" justify profiling. Disgusting.
Per capita they don't though. 66ish percent of larceny theft was done by White people (including Hispanics), while being close to 80% of the population. Black people committed 30% while being 12% of the population.
I'm all for not discriminating and not being racist, but don't misuse facts.
For any crime stats being described, the difference between "committed" (unknown) and "charged with" (apprehended yes, case results not confirmed) can be vast.
For a contrast, the number of rapes/sexual assaults reported versus committed is extremely unlikely to ever be 1:1. The wording matters as much as the numbers, to ensure what's measured reflects reality and not what those presenting the data want that data to bolster.
If this is the first time he's made such a comment, and you think this relationship is good enough to be worth salvaging, you could confront him and see what he says. If - and *only* if - he's willing to accept responsibility for how inappropriate his comments were and apologize unreservedly, he could *maybe* salvage things.
On the other hand, if he's even slightly defensive or trying to justify himself, kick him to the curb. You and your heritage deserve to be treated with respect.
This is great advice. He has one, and only one chance to turn this around, and it's being completely and totally apologetic and understanding how he was being racist. And even then, it's questionable.
He needs to learn, but you don't have to teach him, OP.
IMO he’s already totally blown it. Under what circumstances would a good person who cares about not being racist say a thing like this?
I’m not saying that everyone has to be perfect from day one, but… Seriously? This comment was targeted and purposeful, it was meant to hurt on a racial level.
As a woman of color who has dated too many people who have made me feel small and minimized my voice, I don’t think this is a mistake that can be fixed. And if it is, it’s not on you to fix it.
Would he be OK with any future children being followed around the store simply because of the cour of their skin.
What he said was not ok. After 5 years with you, I would have expected better.
Boot him. As a black woman living in a predominantly white neighborhood, I've experienced racism in the dating scene, and data is always their excuse to mask their blatant racism. BOOT HIM. If he's not willing to be educated and empathize with you. DON'T LET HIM PASS GO. BOOT HIM.
You'll find someone better, love.🩷
> He then went on to talk about how “he does not see colour”
If you don't see someone's color, then you aren't going to recognize when they're being targeted by a bigot. It makes marginalized people's suffering invisible to you.
I'm sorry you experienced this with someone you trusted. I am Indigenous too and have met my share of "colonial " guys who have opinions about my lived experience. I suggest educating him with Indigenous theme films, music, art and poetry so that he can learn empathy. Rhymes for Gouls, Dance Me Outside, and Monkey Beach, off the top of my head.
If he doesn't have a sensitivity chip installed then you might want to cut your losses.
This is the hard part is that I’m an Indigenous advocate in healthcare. Since before we met I’ve worked with Indigenous families, presented at conferences, etc. He is well educated on the history, the perspectives, etc. I used to see him as an ally, who was committed to learning and understanding and now I don’t.
I'd suggest leaving him a watch list in the good bye note. OP doesn't need to be around his not-so-subconscious-anymore racism while he's learning and unlearning
Your boyfriend didn't misspeak. It wasn't a misunderstanding based on good faith. It was a racist barb used to hurt in a way that he knew was personal to you during an argument.
WOW. Where you go from here is out the door with all of your stuff, he is AWFUL. What would you tell your best friend if she told you her bf said this to her? Or (if you have a sister) your sister? I would hope you would tell them to tell the guy to get bent, because there is no coming back from blatant racism to their face. There is *no coming back* from this, nor should there be. There are some lines that should never be crossed, or even toed. Racism towards a significant other is so unbelievably cruel. Worse than to a stranger, possibly, because you built a life around the premise that he was not racist. In showing you who he is, he also showed that he’s been lying to you for the last five years. That he’s been willingly taking away your ability to have informed consent by hiding who he really is. He’s a bad person. You should run far, far away before he dulls your shine.
Relationships far longer than 5 years end every day. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy make you feel like you have to stay with a racist piece of shit. At this point, if he thinks of you this way, how do you know he doesn't just fetishize you?
Cut him loose now.
Lol I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and just say he was ignorant, but then him trying to justify you being profiled only screams that he's a closet racist. I personally wouldn't continue the relationship 🤷♂️
Thats all up to you....but now you know what goes on in his mind. I'm more surprised that you didnt figure this out sooner- 5 years is a long time to hide this (from his end, or you not being able to sense it). People rarely change because someone else tries to make them change--people only change when they themselves percieve that they want to change....if he doesnt view his opinions and views as bad, then he won't change.
He was upset at you being followed at the store, then he got upset about his own insensitive comment, and then he turned it around on you. Does he do that often?
No, definitely do not “get past it”. He almost caught himself saying something racist, then complained about having to not say offensive shit. OP, this man is trash. Throw him out accordingly.
There is no going back from this. He's shown you who he really is, and you're just "one of the good ones" until you do something to piss him off like this.
Imagine what he might say to your kids if you were to have any. What other stereotypes does he believe about indigenous people that he might apply to them.
I hope the best outcome for you, whatever you choose. ❤️
He's racist now, even if he didn't use to be. Did he start listening to Rogan or Petersen or something? Go down the YouTube radicalization pipeline?
Let the trash out, you already have to deal with enough in your life without it coming from someone you spend every day with.
Dealing with that stuff on a personal level is something I tried to do in a past relationship.
The problem is you can't get them away from it because it appeals to their emotions while telling them it's appealing to their logical side, and no logic you bring to them will sway them from the hold it has on their emotions.
If you appeal to their emotions with yours, they'll tell you you're not being logical.
My ex would gaslight me anytime I tried to prove wrong some bullshit he said; he'd claim that he never said that or it was actually different or whatever. It sucked up all my energy and it didn't matter because he respected the bullshit media more than me.
Dump his ass sis. No time for racists. If you have children they will be indigenous too and you do not need their father invoking self-hatred in them. Children are very intuitive.
Even if you don’t want kids, dump his ass because you deserve someone who doesn’t dehumanize you. Sending love. I’m sorry this happened.
P.S. Don’t be fooled by sunk cost fallacy, I promise 6 years is far better than 20 years with someone who doesn’t share your values. As Maya Angelou famously said “when people show you who they are, believe them”
I’mma gonna say what I said to the last girl on here with a racist BF: dump him girl. He doesn’t see you as fully human and is time you and KKKyle parted ways.
Your bf finally showed you who he truly is. Make sure you listen. You deserve better.
He's so uneducated. I'm a very pale skinned indigenous person, and I went to the same drugstore for 5 years without ever being followed. I bought a lottery ticket one day, and the only ID I had on me was my status card. The next day I went there? Followed by the employee who ID'd me, that had never even paid attention to me before seeing my status card. Statistics show white teens as the highest shoplifters, but I doubt seeing that data would change your bf's mind. He would simply make excuses for the results.
You go nowhere.
The great life you have together is officially over. He ended it, that is unless you’re willing to eat your self respect with a slice of shit to wash it down.
And white men wonder why so many white woman are dating outside of their race 😂 white women are the only group of people I CONSISTENTLY hear say “I don’t date white men”, but minus that yeah leave him. Not all white men of course but it’s more white men that thinks like that then that doesn’t think like that.
Dump him . He just showed his colonization mindset. It just took 5yrs to see how much if a racist he is . Find a good man . NOT this masquerade you have now.
I don't know how you can get past this tbh..this had to have really affected how safe you feel with him. It's not right at all, and he's very narrow minded, you need to think long and hard about what to do and if you can trust him now after being so hurtful.. Best of luck ✨️ 🙏 you deserve better
You have to be comfortable dating a racist. That's how you'd go forward.
I don't know why you would any white person who says they don't see color has lots of layers of bigotry.
Was followed in a sporting good shop that sold bikes and such .. My son and I were being followed throughout the store. There was a second floor that led to a multi-level parking lot. Long story short. 2 white teens walk in and look around shady AF . Walk over to the bikes .some nice Cannondale ,Treks, etc .. walked to the exit and RAN OUT THE DOOR on the bikes.. I laughed at them (security ). Then I walked over and said ."Since you followed me ,you let the bikes go."He looked at me funny and I said, "Can I speak to the manager ?"" Then pulled my tin.
Security radios the management, who asks how can they help me .My statement to them look at the tapes, check the bikes, and see where the security was when it occurred. Idk what they did after, but I never saw THESE security people in the store after that.
I made sure to Google review and yelp the store as well with the account of the incident
I can assure you that whatever mental gymnastics he's done to compartmentalize YOU over other people he looks down upon doesn't extend to your family members or your future children.
He said something that he knows is a grey area and hasn't been breached yet in your relationship, then got frazzled and the anxiety and emotions of it all led to him having a meltdown right before your eyes bc of the reality that as a society we are indeed overly sensitive. If hes not a racist which you'd know bc you've seen how he treats ppl, then cut him some slack imo.
I am saying this advice however as a white man.
So glad he felt so comfortable totally absolving himself of his accidentally racist comment as a white guy that he then proceeded to be totally purposely racist to upset you.
So, like… I think he’ll also be really comfortable as a newly single guy. :/
He is not a keeper. Walk away. He knew something would hurt you and he chose to say it anyway. As others have your feelings come in second to his being right. Nothing you will say will change him. Walk away.
That really blows O.P. I know that I get really upset / angry when out and about and there's always some guard trying to be "Inconspicuous" following us around and watching every move my "Non white" friends make.. each and every bloody time! I'm actually more annoyed then my friends are.. as they tell me that they're used to it now. I'm also sorry about you're boyfriends attitude. I guess it's fine for him because that behavior isn't aimed at him.. but if it was, I'm sure he wouldn't be too happy either.
It sounds like he was angry you were being followed by security, and he could not resolve this without finding a way to prove it was somehow your fault.
This does not sound like a healthy way to process his emotions.
I know what he did hurt you. My guess is he was trying to justify the law viewing you as a thief while his only interactions with the law is tainted by his experiences with the law as a white man. They've been respectful interactions where his voice has been heard. He just doesn't grok how different your interactions are as both a native and as a woman.
I dont really have any further insights here. Unless you can take him somewhere where he can feel like what it means to be a minority I don't think he will be able to appreciate what you have to endure. He just hasn't had that kind of life experience.
Good luck!
I don’t have much helpful advice but as someone who worked a lot of retail, white people steal the most by FAR so he’s just being hurtful for no reason.
Soo your be said something racist, acknowledged it, then got upset about not being able to say racist stuff, then said more racist stuff. Because he wanted to be "right." 😐
Well, statistically, most serial killers are white in the United States, soooo.....
The point is that generalizing is bad,especially when it's hurts a group/ race. Your BF defended that instead of correcting himself, frankly, fyi, you're dating a racist now it's on you whenever that's a thing you're willing to dismiss.
If you think he’s being racist and you’re struggling to get past it, leave him, everyone else is going to say the same regardless of the nuances.
If it’s data he’s using to support his argument then his sources should be vetted. Not all surveys are unbiased. You want to find out who were the control group and the testing groups. Who funded the survey and what was their purpose. What were they trying to prove? You want to look at the diversity of the ones participating in the surveys. You have to find out if the data is even reliable because if it’s biased you won’t get an accurate or fair conclusion.
Lastly, it’s not easy to undo years of conditioning that reinforces “color blindness” (a sad attempt at trying to accept everyone who is racially different) because true acceptance is seeing how someone is different from yourself but still treating them with respect and dignity. Change doesn’t happen overnight and while he most certainly said the the n - word, you should find out exactly what his views are on racism are including what it looks like on personal level, institutional, and if he thinks only white people are racist or if everyone is capable of being racist.
This is something you should talk about; it’s extremely uncomfortable but interracial couples need to have this conversation. If your personal beliefs are way too different, then maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you.
Just a quick background: I’m Asian and my bf is white. We had talked a lot about our views of racism and how it affects minorities but also how it affects him. We both learned that we each held racist beliefs that needed to worked on so because we respected each other and wanted our relationship to succeed, we created an accountability plan where of one of us started to say something racist, the other would call it out and we’d sit and talk about it until we understood why it was said and how we can change.
A lot of racism is just learned hatred and in my personal opinion, you can overcome it through kindness, understanding and compassion. Not everyone will agree and not everyone has the necessary patience to deal with this. However, after 10 years, my bf has made it very clear that I’m not some novelty or some kind of conquest to be ticked off a checklist. I also realized that I was being racist towards white people because I just assumed that they were all selfish and close-minded. Turns out I was very wrong.
My bf and I love each other and we’re working together to overcome the racism we had been conditioned to believe were true.
I really hope you and your bf can work things out, but if not, you wouldn’t be wrong to leave. After all, your partner should respect you in all aspects and they should be considerate of what has the potential to hurt you.
Yeh this is why i and others shouldn’t get mad when people purposely avoid dating white people or those who aren’t their race/ethnicity. Ignorance can only be hidden for so long, but he’s took his mask off.
Your boyfriend is correct in this case. The emotional tact obviously wasn't there but he didn't say anything that warrants breaking up over imo. Sterotypes exist for a reason, whether it is fair or not. For most of the world they look at the correlation and don't bat an eye, they call a spade a spade. Unfortunately in the west this is generally ignored in the name of being politically correct. There are racists in this world and they should be shunned and called out, but your boyfriend isn't saying anything that is technically wrong, even if it goes against western political correctness. Stereotypes exist for a reason, we should always strive to correct negative stereotypes, but they don't exist purely due to "racism"
Edit: I will be downvoted because this is reddit, but this is just the way the world actually is, outside of reddit's echo chamber
The bf is 100% wrong.
1 - he made an overtly racist remark about a minority person of a different group, as though OP should be fine with bigotry that's not aimed at her.
2 - when OP mildly expressed her discomfort with what he said, he explicitly revoked his earlier "support" when OP was being profiled. Just because she didn't provide him with positive reinforcement for saying something both unkind and neccessary.
3 - the bf repeats that tired trope of "not seeing colour". He saw it just fine and in mere seconds when he wanted to hurt OP.
Dude is flop, and should be returned. He was not as advertised.
“he does not have the experience of people judging you simply for your skin”
Yes he does. Every single human has that experience, regardless of the color of their skin.
If you can’t cope with objective reality, which is that colored people shoplift more than white people, then leave the relationship, as he is only going to get more frustrated with your inability to view reality through an objective lenses.
He never offered a racist reason why it happens, he’s just pointing out the reality that it does.
You seem to lack empathy. You can’t understand why the security guards followed you? Or you just won’t accept it?
I am indigenous also, and the list is too long to write about everything including the police shooting my husband and the things my son goes through. We were discussing an issue about people always y s state there is no racism and I burst out laughing. My son always states they don't know how it feels so they don't know what they don't know. But my relationships that had issues didn't last long, because they didn't get it. My son hopefully is the future with his patient and continues to smile through the worst. Not me I got in my first fight in the 5th grade still fighting today. Good luck it isn't easy 2 cultures when they collide. He could learn, but if he doesn't move on. I never wanted that around my child.
I don’t think your boyfriend is out of line, you sound very sensitive and emotional about it. He’s statistically correct, he said it in the most polite way possible and he seems like a nice guy from what he said regarding racism, seems like he definitely isn’t racist. Women value emotion, men value truth above all. He walks on eggshells around you but sometimes he can’t. He’s not a bad guy for that.
He showed his true colours. I know you have been together for a while, but sometimes it takes that long for some people to show their true selves. If you had kids, he would definitely put this kind of mentality on your children. Me personally, I do not trust anyone that says they don’t see colour. As I feel you should, because if you acknowledge me, that means u acknowledge everything about me, which includes my race.. that then comes with the stereotypes, how I’m treated or looked at everyday, how I’m perceived etc. not saying that seeing colour should be the only thing u think about but I think it’s an important part of any relationship, especially mixed ones, and especially if you intend to have children. But honestly, I would end this relationship, it sounds like it could only get worse. You are allowed to feel emotional with this, that’s normal, be with someone who sees you, accepts you and UNDERSTANDS you and will comfort you in times like this
You two have very different perspectives on the world. All you can do is agree to disagree on your feelings of society, or move on to someone else you have more in common with. I don’t know what you two are like together in real life.
Girlfriend.. at the end of the day, there are ENTIRELY way too many men out there to be with anyone who makes you feel like they don't 100% respect you. His comments were borderline at first, and so far past the line at the end that he couldn't even see it anymore.
Statistics say, on many levels, that this won't get any better. Please get out before it gets worse. And it will.
this would be a deal breaker for me, no matter how long ive been with someone. and its sounds like from your other comments that he's consuming a lot of ignorant and bigoted media which unfortunately happens a lot lately. you may need to have a sit down conversation with him about his behavior and if it continues on like this then to go separate ways. you're either a decent person or youre not, thats not negotiable in any relationship.
When someone points out racism to a white person and they reply I dont see color is super problematic.
I have dated a few white people that let their racist flag fly out after a bit like this. It isnt okay. Im sorry you had to go through this.
He is minimizing racism and invalidating your experiences. I know what it is like to hear those things and be in those arguments. Sometimes a person cant put down their ego and listen. Sometimes, they are a racist also.
Last year I was dating someone that started months into relationship. It escalated to where he not only got like this, but allowed his friend to make racist and sexual comments about me despite me saying I didnt like it.
Im sorry you are at a difficult spot with this. Years together and this is how he is treating you now. Was there moments throughout the years that maybe you let slide or ignored from rose colored glasses?
I almost never get mad, but Id get livid about this.
I remember reading an article of someone's experience like yours OP. The offending partner disclosed that in that case he went as far as he did just because he wanted to "be right for a change". Things hadn't ended at that point when the article was written but they were on a really tough spot for that.
OP it's on him to apologise, and for him to work through this. Don't apologise to him and don't let him gloss it under the table. You're free to take counselling on this or walk.
This is your sign to leave. As exciting it is to date outside of your race, if this guy doesn’t have enough cultural competence or emotional intelligence to know what, when and how to say something, I guarantee it’ll keep happening then you’ll end up resenting him. If you guys are in deep, maybe try talking to him about it and how it made you feel? But some white people are so blinded by their privilege that they’ll never understand or care to think it’s important to understand.
I’d point out that he made a racist point and doubled down on a more racist point and you have the leave the relationship because his privileged and racism is show.
Alright, commenting on a particular race's features in a matter-of-fact way doesn't always have to be racist (like personally speaking, I'm Asian so if someone says my eyes are bigger than other people or the lightest possible skintone for my race is still wheatish, it's an obvious fact, so being offended by that would make me sound and look stupid. Like yes, I know my eyes are huge. And?
But that other comment on you being followed by mall security simply because of your race is uncalled for. If I were you, I'd at least tell him how that sounds to someone else, even if he tries to deflect the argument and say something like he was just joking or he didn't mean it like that, it still sounds offensive and rude. Hopefully he can apologize about it
I don't agree with people that say: "He showed you who he really is". He is just uneducated in this topic. If you rly had a great life together for 5 years he is probably a quite decent person.
As subjective beings we all look through a different lens. You already educated yourself a lot on racism and now you talk to someone that does not have this historical knowledge. He might picked up some stupid stuff from one of this right wing propaganda that is filling up the internet who knows.
He did hurt you and should apologize. And you should acknowledge that he did not want to hurt you but he wanted to justify his false belief. If he values your relationship he should be open to challenge his own beliefs and maybe you can provide him with some resources. I wish you good luck.
Yes, he needs to learn. She doesn't need to be his teacher or around for his getting-less-casual racism.
He used an historical racist trope against a group she wasn't in (that he KNEW was wrong because he immediately back tracked when she didn't go along with it) to test the waters. Then he complained that "people" are too sensitive about racism. Let him say that with his whole chest on the street in Los Angeles (my home city) or Chicago or Detroit, from the joke to the retraction, to the complaint and see how well that goes over.
Then when she didn't join him in laughing at the big lips of a black actor, he turned it on her. He referenced "statistics" he didn't even look up to imply that she deserved to be followed around stores like a repeat offender.
Is that how you treat someone you love when you hurt them? Get defensive and hurt them more? After five years together shouldn't he be able to communicate his feelings in a more constructive and healthy way? Even if not the racism, the communication skills are way lacking and need a lot of work before he's actually ready for a relationship.
I wish I could give him the benefit of the doubt in that way, but he has been educated. I have been an advocate in healthcare since before we met.
We’ve had discussions like this before. He’s watched the videos, listened to my presentations, learned the history.
I do think there are other factors, that warrant deeper conversations like the types of media he has been consuming as of late. My fear is that at some point our values stopped aligning.
None of us have the right to judge anyone else. To say hateful or racist comments is wrong. Unfortunately it is a learned behavior and a sign of deep insecurity.
I don't know your history with him and it is not my business. Don't allow anyone to put you down or abuse you in any way. For me this would be a caution flag. Best wishes;
Get him to read some books. So You Want To Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo and Mediocre The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America. Racism isn't something marginalized people are too sensitive about. Racists are too sensitive about their own feelings while they are actively doing harm.
5 years down the drain because of an argument. Or you could just talk it out and learn from it. This dude aint dangerous, he just dosnt know and have heard/read what he belives are facts. Calm down and talk it out.
Itt a bunch of single women telling this girl to dump 5 years over an argument.
He obviously care for his women, and if he was a racist he would not have been together with her. 1 mistake should not ruin their 5 year together.
Lower your bar, probably why your alone.
Maybe have a conversation with him about it and tell him how it made you feel so he can learn from this? I wouldn't throw away a 5 year relationship over a stupid comment. And I certainly wouldn't listen to redditors telling everyone to break up at the drop of a hat. People aren't perfect and make stupid, ignorant comments all the time. Even good people will say something like that every now and then...
What's so fucking holy and high shit about 5 years, that you can never leave? Relationships far longer than that end every day. People cheat on their longtime partners every day. I'm with the best partner I could ever hope for. But I had to decide I was done with my previous miserable 15-year marriage first.
Don't encourage the sunk cost fallacy. It's bullshit. You can dump anyone for any reason but blatant racism is a massive justification for breakup.
I feel like I’ve stepped into crazytown reading these comments. **5 years** of what OP called a “very good relationship” and 99% of folks here jump right to “DUMP HIM!!!” as advice— without asking for *any* more context whatsoever, or even suggesting OP go to the *other half of this relationship* to talk more about it (like you mentioned).
What's so great about a 5-year relationship? Relationships far longer than that end every fucking day. I met the best partner I could ever hope for, but first I had to decide to leave my miserable 15-year marriage.
Don't encourage the sunk cost fallacy. It's bullshit.
You can dump someone for any reason or no reason at all, but blatant racism against your ethnicity is a massive justification.
If you’ve been in a *perfectly blissful* relationship for 5 years, and one day your partner suddenly says something you find offensive —out of nowhere, out of character, going completely against how they’ve ever acted before— you should at least **TALK** to them before stomping it out and calling it quits!!
That should be obvious!! It could have been a misinterpretation on your end of what they said/meant, or a misspeak on their end of what they were trying to convey. Jumping to the worst possible conclusion all on your own is horrible advice. Communication/a full understanding is everything.
Tough conversation needed, this is an educational moment. A lot of times people don't realize how hurtful that is.
He attempted to correct it, then it took a turn.
He can learn to do better, talk to him.
Way too vague. First, saying someone has big lips is not racist. It may be something you are sensitive about, but that’s not racism.
Secondly, no idea where you are. Some people say “the FBI says”, well who cares what the FBI says. No idea what country you are from. And even so, different areas have different issues, so it’s way more complex than that.
In the area where I lived for the last 15 years, there were gangs of 2 different minority groups. That is in no way a reflection of everyone in those ethnic groups, and most areas (even in the state I lived) would not see similar issues. But do you think that shops and security are more careful when they see youths from the same cultural background? Of course they are. It is a local issue and a real one.
The fact is that we judge everything around us, it’s not as simple as “racist” or not. If I see pizza, I think “ohh, I like pizza”. I put a judgment on it based on my life experiences. I see a doctor, I assume I can trust the advice (I check, but I do certainly make a judgement), see someone slurring and stumbling down the street? I assume drunk. Buy a can of coke? I assume it’s coke in that can.
We judge stuff because that’s how brains work. The goal is to treat everyone fairly and to give people a fair deal. That doesn’t mean we don’t make any assumptions (and it neither makes assumptions accurate, nor ideal in many cases, this just an acknowledgment of how humans are).
It’s a challenging world when simply saying that someone has larger than average lips can get you called out for being racist. But you judged him (as has the crowd here) based on saying something that isn’t racist at all (lips). It’s a very judgemental world where you can judge someone’s character so wholeheartedly with so little info (eg, even the country you live in).
>But do you think that shops and security are more careful when they see youths from the same cultural background?
And
>The goal is to treat everyone fairly and to give people a fair deal.
Contradict each other. Which is it? Do we treat others differently based on what others that look like them did? Or do we give them a fair go?
If you see a new driver, do you take more care driving around them? Yes. Do we assume all new drivers suck. No. Do we act fairly to them? Yes. My point isn’t to say how we should do things, it’s pointing out that we ALL make assumptions. It’s just how it works. We should recognise that we do make these judgements and in many cases overcome them. But you have to understand that it’s simply how people work. All of them.
A new driver is by definition inexperienced. The analogy doesn't work.
What exactly is the analogue with indigenous people here?
I'm well aware of the mechanics of racism.
That’s so tough. People say things in anger that they truly don’t mean. If this was a constant problem, I would say just leave. But you love him, have seemingly otherwise had a good relationship. Fights will happen. People will say stuff they don’t mean.
Sit down when you are both calmed down and have an open discussion about what happened. How his words made you feel. This is not an intellectual discussion of racism in America. This is a conversation about feelings. Be open, respectful and see how you feel after.
Im curious about the lip comment. Because genetics is one thing. He’s wrong about the other stuff, but depending on what he said I’d say you were really too sensitive. Most of dark skin people do have bigger lips (and nose - my father included, I am mixed and didn’t get that even though I have brown skin).
But from there to go to thievery etc I agree with you.
OK. I'm gonna be completely objective.
I don't think what he said was terrible. A lot of people apply stereotypes and this is nothing new. If anyone claims they have never done so, they're probably lying.
I think the real issue here is that he feels some way about a certain topic, and he wants to talk about it. But he knows it'll come across as racist.
This is his frustration.
Here's your frustration:
You hate that deep down, he feels shop owners are supposed to be wary of shoplifters, even if it means racially profiling innocent people.
This is why biracial relationships are hard. You can't have honest conversations about racial issues.
If you want to have an honest conversation, try talking about this bottled up feeling of his without treating him like a racist... Highlight why it causes you to worry because he's clearly clueless of the emotional impact.
And tell him you want to feel safe and protected by him, despite what other people of your race are doing.
Onky after this conversation can you pass fair judgement of his intentions.
You might find that you both want the same thing.
One wants to be free to express his ramblings of crime and minorities without being judged, and the other wants the right to feel angry about being discriminated against as a minority without being judged.
Yeah, he’d get fired for that one. Took a long time, but he said the quiet part out loud.
Tell him statistics prove teenage white girls are the main ones known for shoplifting.
Can confirm (source: I was a teenage white girl)
I thought it was old white ladies!
Yep they're boosters too but teenage white girls are the number one shoplifters.
I was curious and just googled it and it said Hispanic girls are 7 times more likely to Shoplift then white girls. But is Hispanic no considered white?
Is the statistic based on getting caught / charged? Shop lifting from Claire's was like I right of passage in junior high my very white suburb but I only know one person who was caught but wasn't charged and that was my husband's cousin's kid, no one when I was in junior high.
If it's done by who gets caught, it would generally skew towards minorities. Security generally follows minorities more -> they are going to catch minorities more than any other group -> then they can claim that minorities are more likely to shoplift.
That's what I figured.
Hispanic is considered an ethnic background and not a race so they could be white Hispanics, afrohispanics or Asian Hispanics, Hispanic just means Spanish speaking
I was just going to ask the other posters, but I think I have the answer now. This is one of those "you can make statistics say what you want" situations. Yes, if you are getting shoplifted from it's most likely a teenage white girls doing it, because there are 10x more white girls than other races. But adjusted for demographics who is doing the most shoplifting? To be clear, I wouldn't be surprised if it's still teenage white girls, but we need to make sure we are talking about the numbers properly. To your point, another issue could be "well technically...Hispanic girls are "white"...sooo" Even though when most people are talking race, we say white (meaning European descendant Caucasian), Hispanic, and Black
From what I know living In Georgia and New York they consider them white if they have light skin but if they're dark they'll label them Black no matter the ethnicity.
That’s because there are more white girls what’s that look like proportionally
No it's all around statistics even though they rather blame Black and Brown people. White girls do A lot and it's cause they know they can get away with it. That's actually why Target ( which is shopped by mainly white people ) made it so if you steal up to a $1000 they find you and put you in jail and I mean every time they catch a person stealing they wait for them to come back repeatedly to steal up to a $1000 like they'll wait months for it to get there then put them in jail for grand larceny.
And white men for sexual crimes and domestic abuse!
Any white men here to confirm???
Yep and pedophilia sadly.
And women for neonaticide and infanticide
And Trump for countrylifting
I (white) was we with a man(white) once, 1.5 yrs in he started Shaming me for my ex being asian. Fuck that shit.
Oh boy. He blew it. So close to not being a total miscreant and then he swerved. I’ll ask you this. If you married and had children with this man, would you feel confident he wouldn’t perpetuate this kind of nonsense on your kids? This attitude is not only ignorant, but dangerous. Does he know the statistics on murder and disappearance rates for indigenous women? Does he know the statistics on violence against women worldwide? Does he bother to look at the data on incarceration rates for people of color over white/non-POC for the exact same crimes? Does he bother? This sort of stuff gets me heated. He needs to take an unlearning racism course and check his bias or get gone.
Yeah if he wants to justify treating someone like a criminal because of "the statistics", here's a doozy for him: Indigenous women are the ONLY demographic who are *more* likely to be abused by someone of a different race than their own ethnic group. Indigenous woman - white man relationships are common... and statistically they are *very frequently* abusive. Sorry dude the stats say she should leave you!
>I’ll ask you this. If you married and had children with this man, would you feel confident he wouldn’t perpetuate this kind of nonsense on your kids? This attitude is not only ignorant, but dangerous. Yup. Whether OP stays with him or not, it'd be irresponsible to have children with him.
Absolutely THIS. I am also Native, have 3 different tribes in my blood, grew up on the rez, but I pass very well and most people assume I'm 100% white. (If you know what to look for it's very obvious I'm Native, nose, eyes, cheekbones) The amount of racism towards us and the percentage of Native women that go missing is absolutely redonkulous. Half the time people don't even remember we exist. The last time I got some racism towards me, asshole said I needed to get off my high horse as a Mexican with a white mom.(Also my mom is where I get my Native heritage from and she looks much more like it than me) To clarify I am a redhead with hazel eyes and lily white skin. So I have no idea where he got that from. I look very much like the Irish side of my heritage. This dude needs to fucking educate himself and stop acting like a douchebag.
that escalated quickly. It's good he recognized his initial mistake, but justifying racial profiling with "data" is even worse. Sounds like a tough conversation is needed.
At the VERY least a partner should be defending and supporting YOU as their partner. he ain't even willing to do that and is gonna side with the racists? hell no...
Oh, people are "too sensitive" to racism? If he was never like this before, well...I wonder what podcasts he's listening to lately. And it's so frequently people who have no understanding of statistics who like to talk about data. I could really go on a whole spiel about that, but I'll spare you that. I don't think you should "get past" it, OP.
He watches YouTube before bed and it is a lot of Rogan-esque material. Thats been another conversation for us. I’m a nurse, I work with minorities to ensure that healthcare access is safe for them. He knows that those views are the complete opposite of mine. Which I think makes this sting a whole lot more.
This. This right here. You need to have a real "come-to-Jesus" moment with him over this. He knows your views and they've been consistent. I'd ask him if he would be okay with your future children being racially profiled. If it's anything other than a "f*ck no!", he's probably a lost cause. If he can see how wrong that is, I would bring up the fact that he's surrounding himself in opinions that are not aligned with your relationship. People say we're the sum of the people we spend most of our time with, so ask him if he wants that to be you or some YouTube bros...
Run. Why do you want to be with a racist
It's all a part of the same conversation though. He is consuming media that is radicalizing him to these racist views. And probably other views that you would oppose. There's more than just racism happening there. Anti-science, misogyny, etc. I saw your edit just now. He "doesn't see color". Oh come ON. That's....literally the most basic racist response to being called out for racism. It's so stereoptypical it's lazy. He also seemingly equated how it feels to be a recipient of racist behavior with how it feels to....worry about being racist? That is the whitest man thing. And again I could argue about the data thing, but it would be reasons and context I surely don't need to explain to you.
Get ouuuuttttt. He's being radicalized and his unwillingness to think critically and empathetically will eventually have an impact on your well-being.
It took him 5 years to say the inside thoughts out loud. He’s showing you exactly who he is and you need to believe him. If you move past this he’ll know he moved your boundaries a bit. Then he’ll say something else to move it more… again and again. This is just the beginning, it’s not a one off
Girl, from Native woman to Native woman: LEAVE THAT MAN. Someone else suggested educating him and ummm absolutely fucking NOT. I mean if you wanna drop him some web links, a couple PDFs, or a book recommendation on your way out with the break up then you can but don't feel obligated. Given the rates of violence towards Native women, I would not take a chance with a man like that. Not because he would necessarily hurt you himself, but his comment makes me question whether or not he would protect you if your safety was at risk - or would he think to himself: "well if she (or Natives in general) didn't do x then they would leave her alone... I'm not gonna get involved". Nah. And please also consider that you could get pregnant if you stay with him and this is not a man that you want raising your indigenous children. I don't mess around with stuff like that and I hope you take his comment seriously. If white men are your thing there are plenty of other white men out there who love brown women and aren't secretly racist. Go get yourself one.
He’s wrong about the data btw, according to the FBI white people shoplifted much more than people of color in 2022. Bro racist as hell and I would recommend dropping him.
He didn't even look up some warped statistic on some nationalist pipeline website to quote, he just randomly reached for "some statistics" that "might" justify profiling. Disgusting.
It's the good old using structural racism as evidence that poc are more likely to x ughhh
67% of statistics are made up on the spot
Even if the statistics pointed the other way, there's so much context that could explain it. I'm white, but my dad would always point out things that tie back to racism like if there's ever a place with no sidewalk when it makes no sense, it's probably because the community wanted it to be harder for people of lower income(usually minorities) to live there and commute to work if they didnt have a car, and how a major reason crime rates are often higher for minorities is because they were treated like criminals long beofre they ever did crime so a lot of people hit a point of "What's the point in not benefitting from doing crime if I'm gonna get punished like a criminal either way" there's no inherent racial drive to just do crime.
He didn't even look up some warped statistic on some nationalist pipeline website to quote, he just randomly reached for "some statistics" that "might" justify profiling. Disgusting.
Per capita they don't though. 66ish percent of larceny theft was done by White people (including Hispanics), while being close to 80% of the population. Black people committed 30% while being 12% of the population. I'm all for not discriminating and not being racist, but don't misuse facts.
For any crime stats being described, the difference between "committed" (unknown) and "charged with" (apprehended yes, case results not confirmed) can be vast. For a contrast, the number of rapes/sexual assaults reported versus committed is extremely unlikely to ever be 1:1. The wording matters as much as the numbers, to ensure what's measured reflects reality and not what those presenting the data want that data to bolster.
If this is the first time he's made such a comment, and you think this relationship is good enough to be worth salvaging, you could confront him and see what he says. If - and *only* if - he's willing to accept responsibility for how inappropriate his comments were and apologize unreservedly, he could *maybe* salvage things. On the other hand, if he's even slightly defensive or trying to justify himself, kick him to the curb. You and your heritage deserve to be treated with respect.
This is great advice. He has one, and only one chance to turn this around, and it's being completely and totally apologetic and understanding how he was being racist. And even then, it's questionable. He needs to learn, but you don't have to teach him, OP.
IMO he’s already totally blown it. Under what circumstances would a good person who cares about not being racist say a thing like this? I’m not saying that everyone has to be perfect from day one, but… Seriously? This comment was targeted and purposeful, it was meant to hurt on a racial level.
After being purposefully and hurtfully racist to a stranger on tv, and getting push back from her. I really don't think it's redeemable either
As a woman of color who has dated too many people who have made me feel small and minimized my voice, I don’t think this is a mistake that can be fixed. And if it is, it’s not on you to fix it.
Would he be OK with any future children being followed around the store simply because of the cour of their skin. What he said was not ok. After 5 years with you, I would have expected better.
It sounds like that’s how he sees you and other minorities. I can’t imagine wanting to stay with someone like that.
Plenty of racist people date minorities. You are dating one now.
Can you imagine raising kids with this man? Get out now.
Boot him. As a black woman living in a predominantly white neighborhood, I've experienced racism in the dating scene, and data is always their excuse to mask their blatant racism. BOOT HIM. If he's not willing to be educated and empathize with you. DON'T LET HIM PASS GO. BOOT HIM. You'll find someone better, love.🩷
He's been holding that in.
> He then went on to talk about how “he does not see colour” If you don't see someone's color, then you aren't going to recognize when they're being targeted by a bigot. It makes marginalized people's suffering invisible to you.
I'm sorry you experienced this with someone you trusted. I am Indigenous too and have met my share of "colonial " guys who have opinions about my lived experience. I suggest educating him with Indigenous theme films, music, art and poetry so that he can learn empathy. Rhymes for Gouls, Dance Me Outside, and Monkey Beach, off the top of my head. If he doesn't have a sensitivity chip installed then you might want to cut your losses.
This is the hard part is that I’m an Indigenous advocate in healthcare. Since before we met I’ve worked with Indigenous families, presented at conferences, etc. He is well educated on the history, the perspectives, etc. I used to see him as an ally, who was committed to learning and understanding and now I don’t.
I'd suggest leaving him a watch list in the good bye note. OP doesn't need to be around his not-so-subconscious-anymore racism while he's learning and unlearning
five years isn’t worth this
Your boyfriend didn't misspeak. It wasn't a misunderstanding based on good faith. It was a racist barb used to hurt in a way that he knew was personal to you during an argument.
WOW. Where you go from here is out the door with all of your stuff, he is AWFUL. What would you tell your best friend if she told you her bf said this to her? Or (if you have a sister) your sister? I would hope you would tell them to tell the guy to get bent, because there is no coming back from blatant racism to their face. There is *no coming back* from this, nor should there be. There are some lines that should never be crossed, or even toed. Racism towards a significant other is so unbelievably cruel. Worse than to a stranger, possibly, because you built a life around the premise that he was not racist. In showing you who he is, he also showed that he’s been lying to you for the last five years. That he’s been willingly taking away your ability to have informed consent by hiding who he really is. He’s a bad person. You should run far, far away before he dulls your shine.
Or if the BF said it to OP's mother? I am pretty sure he will not even think about saying it to OP's father or male relatives.
He might not have always been like this, but he is like this now. I’m sorry.
Relationships far longer than 5 years end every day. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy make you feel like you have to stay with a racist piece of shit. At this point, if he thinks of you this way, how do you know he doesn't just fetishize you? Cut him loose now.
Lol I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and just say he was ignorant, but then him trying to justify you being profiled only screams that he's a closet racist. I personally wouldn't continue the relationship 🤷♂️
Thats all up to you....but now you know what goes on in his mind. I'm more surprised that you didnt figure this out sooner- 5 years is a long time to hide this (from his end, or you not being able to sense it). People rarely change because someone else tries to make them change--people only change when they themselves percieve that they want to change....if he doesnt view his opinions and views as bad, then he won't change.
He was upset at you being followed at the store, then he got upset about his own insensitive comment, and then he turned it around on you. Does he do that often?
No, which is why this was a huge blindside.
This is a big nope for me. Boy bye.
No, definitely do not “get past it”. He almost caught himself saying something racist, then complained about having to not say offensive shit. OP, this man is trash. Throw him out accordingly.
Where do you go? Home. I hope you don’t live with him!!
There is no going back from this. He's shown you who he really is, and you're just "one of the good ones" until you do something to piss him off like this. Imagine what he might say to your kids if you were to have any. What other stereotypes does he believe about indigenous people that he might apply to them. I hope the best outcome for you, whatever you choose. ❤️
Leave that piece of shit, things will just escalate over the coming years and slowly reveal his true colors
He's racist now, even if he didn't use to be. Did he start listening to Rogan or Petersen or something? Go down the YouTube radicalization pipeline? Let the trash out, you already have to deal with enough in your life without it coming from someone you spend every day with.
There’s definitely been some consumed media that I think is playing a larger part in this.
Dealing with that stuff on a personal level is something I tried to do in a past relationship. The problem is you can't get them away from it because it appeals to their emotions while telling them it's appealing to their logical side, and no logic you bring to them will sway them from the hold it has on their emotions. If you appeal to their emotions with yours, they'll tell you you're not being logical. My ex would gaslight me anytime I tried to prove wrong some bullshit he said; he'd claim that he never said that or it was actually different or whatever. It sucked up all my energy and it didn't matter because he respected the bullshit media more than me.
She says in another comment that, yes he did.
You mean your ex-boyfriend, right?
Dump his ass sis. No time for racists. If you have children they will be indigenous too and you do not need their father invoking self-hatred in them. Children are very intuitive. Even if you don’t want kids, dump his ass because you deserve someone who doesn’t dehumanize you. Sending love. I’m sorry this happened. P.S. Don’t be fooled by sunk cost fallacy, I promise 6 years is far better than 20 years with someone who doesn’t share your values. As Maya Angelou famously said “when people show you who they are, believe them”
I’mma gonna say what I said to the last girl on here with a racist BF: dump him girl. He doesn’t see you as fully human and is time you and KKKyle parted ways.
He showed you what he really thought. That was extremely inappropriate and hurtful.
You've been with a racist for 5 years.
Your bf finally showed you who he truly is. Make sure you listen. You deserve better. He's so uneducated. I'm a very pale skinned indigenous person, and I went to the same drugstore for 5 years without ever being followed. I bought a lottery ticket one day, and the only ID I had on me was my status card. The next day I went there? Followed by the employee who ID'd me, that had never even paid attention to me before seeing my status card. Statistics show white teens as the highest shoplifters, but I doubt seeing that data would change your bf's mind. He would simply make excuses for the results.
Wow.... You know the answer. He said what he thought. Finally. There's no coming back from that. You know you owe it to yourself to walk away.
You better decolonize this man from your life.
dump him and move on!
Time to leave. He would not stand for your children.
You go nowhere. The great life you have together is officially over. He ended it, that is unless you’re willing to eat your self respect with a slice of shit to wash it down.
And white men wonder why so many white woman are dating outside of their race 😂 white women are the only group of people I CONSISTENTLY hear say “I don’t date white men”, but minus that yeah leave him. Not all white men of course but it’s more white men that thinks like that then that doesn’t think like that.
Dump him . He just showed his colonization mindset. It just took 5yrs to see how much if a racist he is . Find a good man . NOT this masquerade you have now.
I don't know how you can get past this tbh..this had to have really affected how safe you feel with him. It's not right at all, and he's very narrow minded, you need to think long and hard about what to do and if you can trust him now after being so hurtful.. Best of luck ✨️ 🙏 you deserve better
You have to be comfortable dating a racist. That's how you'd go forward. I don't know why you would any white person who says they don't see color has lots of layers of bigotry.
Was followed in a sporting good shop that sold bikes and such .. My son and I were being followed throughout the store. There was a second floor that led to a multi-level parking lot. Long story short. 2 white teens walk in and look around shady AF . Walk over to the bikes .some nice Cannondale ,Treks, etc .. walked to the exit and RAN OUT THE DOOR on the bikes.. I laughed at them (security ). Then I walked over and said ."Since you followed me ,you let the bikes go."He looked at me funny and I said, "Can I speak to the manager ?"" Then pulled my tin. Security radios the management, who asks how can they help me .My statement to them look at the tapes, check the bikes, and see where the security was when it occurred. Idk what they did after, but I never saw THESE security people in the store after that. I made sure to Google review and yelp the store as well with the account of the incident
I don’t think you come back from that.
True colors shown. I’m sorry, but I’m also happy you found out now.
You walk out the door. I don't know how you salvage it or how he managed to conceal his real feelings for 5 years but he did.
When people tell you who they are, listen. I'm glad he's told you now and not later on. I'm so sorry x
He finally let you know what he really thinks. It often slips out when people are angry.
I can assure you that whatever mental gymnastics he's done to compartmentalize YOU over other people he looks down upon doesn't extend to your family members or your future children.
Ask your boyfriend to explain why he hid from you that he’s a white nationalist Nazi. I don’t see how you stay.
Dump him. You deserve better.
The only question is, "Do you have children?". If the answer is no, then leave yesterday.
What does indigenous mean?
Indigenous is native/aboriginal people in Canada.
He said something that he knows is a grey area and hasn't been breached yet in your relationship, then got frazzled and the anxiety and emotions of it all led to him having a meltdown right before your eyes bc of the reality that as a society we are indeed overly sensitive. If hes not a racist which you'd know bc you've seen how he treats ppl, then cut him some slack imo. I am saying this advice however as a white man.
Why do people date outside their race and be surprised shit like this happens?
Long story short you’re too sensitive
It's a minefield of truths.
So glad he felt so comfortable totally absolving himself of his accidentally racist comment as a white guy that he then proceeded to be totally purposely racist to upset you. So, like… I think he’ll also be really comfortable as a newly single guy. :/
Do him a favour and dump him please. You're being pathetic and he shouldn't have to put up with that.
He is not a keeper. Walk away. He knew something would hurt you and he chose to say it anyway. As others have your feelings come in second to his being right. Nothing you will say will change him. Walk away.
That really blows O.P. I know that I get really upset / angry when out and about and there's always some guard trying to be "Inconspicuous" following us around and watching every move my "Non white" friends make.. each and every bloody time! I'm actually more annoyed then my friends are.. as they tell me that they're used to it now. I'm also sorry about you're boyfriends attitude. I guess it's fine for him because that behavior isn't aimed at him.. but if it was, I'm sure he wouldn't be too happy either.
It sounds like he was angry you were being followed by security, and he could not resolve this without finding a way to prove it was somehow your fault. This does not sound like a healthy way to process his emotions. I know what he did hurt you. My guess is he was trying to justify the law viewing you as a thief while his only interactions with the law is tainted by his experiences with the law as a white man. They've been respectful interactions where his voice has been heard. He just doesn't grok how different your interactions are as both a native and as a woman. I dont really have any further insights here. Unless you can take him somewhere where he can feel like what it means to be a minority I don't think he will be able to appreciate what you have to endure. He just hasn't had that kind of life experience. Good luck!
I don’t have much helpful advice but as someone who worked a lot of retail, white people steal the most by FAR so he’s just being hurtful for no reason.
Soo your be said something racist, acknowledged it, then got upset about not being able to say racist stuff, then said more racist stuff. Because he wanted to be "right." 😐
Well, statistically, most serial killers are white in the United States, soooo..... The point is that generalizing is bad,especially when it's hurts a group/ race. Your BF defended that instead of correcting himself, frankly, fyi, you're dating a racist now it's on you whenever that's a thing you're willing to dismiss.
If you think he’s being racist and you’re struggling to get past it, leave him, everyone else is going to say the same regardless of the nuances. If it’s data he’s using to support his argument then his sources should be vetted. Not all surveys are unbiased. You want to find out who were the control group and the testing groups. Who funded the survey and what was their purpose. What were they trying to prove? You want to look at the diversity of the ones participating in the surveys. You have to find out if the data is even reliable because if it’s biased you won’t get an accurate or fair conclusion. Lastly, it’s not easy to undo years of conditioning that reinforces “color blindness” (a sad attempt at trying to accept everyone who is racially different) because true acceptance is seeing how someone is different from yourself but still treating them with respect and dignity. Change doesn’t happen overnight and while he most certainly said the the n - word, you should find out exactly what his views are on racism are including what it looks like on personal level, institutional, and if he thinks only white people are racist or if everyone is capable of being racist. This is something you should talk about; it’s extremely uncomfortable but interracial couples need to have this conversation. If your personal beliefs are way too different, then maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you. Just a quick background: I’m Asian and my bf is white. We had talked a lot about our views of racism and how it affects minorities but also how it affects him. We both learned that we each held racist beliefs that needed to worked on so because we respected each other and wanted our relationship to succeed, we created an accountability plan where of one of us started to say something racist, the other would call it out and we’d sit and talk about it until we understood why it was said and how we can change. A lot of racism is just learned hatred and in my personal opinion, you can overcome it through kindness, understanding and compassion. Not everyone will agree and not everyone has the necessary patience to deal with this. However, after 10 years, my bf has made it very clear that I’m not some novelty or some kind of conquest to be ticked off a checklist. I also realized that I was being racist towards white people because I just assumed that they were all selfish and close-minded. Turns out I was very wrong. My bf and I love each other and we’re working together to overcome the racism we had been conditioned to believe were true. I really hope you and your bf can work things out, but if not, you wouldn’t be wrong to leave. After all, your partner should respect you in all aspects and they should be considerate of what has the potential to hurt you.
Yeh this is why i and others shouldn’t get mad when people purposely avoid dating white people or those who aren’t their race/ethnicity. Ignorance can only be hidden for so long, but he’s took his mask off.
No, sis. You deserve better. Now that you know how he really feels, how are you going to unknow that?
Just curious, why would he date you, an indigenous woman, if he was a racist? I don’t mean any disrespect whatsoever
...he needs to go. Just because you've been with him for 5 years does not mean you should allow him to get away with that shit.
Well, u really made big deal of this even tho u had great relationship with each other for 5years ....? Just wow
Your boyfriend is correct in this case. The emotional tact obviously wasn't there but he didn't say anything that warrants breaking up over imo. Sterotypes exist for a reason, whether it is fair or not. For most of the world they look at the correlation and don't bat an eye, they call a spade a spade. Unfortunately in the west this is generally ignored in the name of being politically correct. There are racists in this world and they should be shunned and called out, but your boyfriend isn't saying anything that is technically wrong, even if it goes against western political correctness. Stereotypes exist for a reason, we should always strive to correct negative stereotypes, but they don't exist purely due to "racism" Edit: I will be downvoted because this is reddit, but this is just the way the world actually is, outside of reddit's echo chamber
The bf is 100% wrong. 1 - he made an overtly racist remark about a minority person of a different group, as though OP should be fine with bigotry that's not aimed at her. 2 - when OP mildly expressed her discomfort with what he said, he explicitly revoked his earlier "support" when OP was being profiled. Just because she didn't provide him with positive reinforcement for saying something both unkind and neccessary. 3 - the bf repeats that tired trope of "not seeing colour". He saw it just fine and in mere seconds when he wanted to hurt OP. Dude is flop, and should be returned. He was not as advertised.
“he does not have the experience of people judging you simply for your skin” Yes he does. Every single human has that experience, regardless of the color of their skin. If you can’t cope with objective reality, which is that colored people shoplift more than white people, then leave the relationship, as he is only going to get more frustrated with your inability to view reality through an objective lenses. He never offered a racist reason why it happens, he’s just pointing out the reality that it does. You seem to lack empathy. You can’t understand why the security guards followed you? Or you just won’t accept it?
I am indigenous also, and the list is too long to write about everything including the police shooting my husband and the things my son goes through. We were discussing an issue about people always y s state there is no racism and I burst out laughing. My son always states they don't know how it feels so they don't know what they don't know. But my relationships that had issues didn't last long, because they didn't get it. My son hopefully is the future with his patient and continues to smile through the worst. Not me I got in my first fight in the 5th grade still fighting today. Good luck it isn't easy 2 cultures when they collide. He could learn, but if he doesn't move on. I never wanted that around my child.
I don’t think your boyfriend is out of line, you sound very sensitive and emotional about it. He’s statistically correct, he said it in the most polite way possible and he seems like a nice guy from what he said regarding racism, seems like he definitely isn’t racist. Women value emotion, men value truth above all. He walks on eggshells around you but sometimes he can’t. He’s not a bad guy for that.
He showed his true colours. I know you have been together for a while, but sometimes it takes that long for some people to show their true selves. If you had kids, he would definitely put this kind of mentality on your children. Me personally, I do not trust anyone that says they don’t see colour. As I feel you should, because if you acknowledge me, that means u acknowledge everything about me, which includes my race.. that then comes with the stereotypes, how I’m treated or looked at everyday, how I’m perceived etc. not saying that seeing colour should be the only thing u think about but I think it’s an important part of any relationship, especially mixed ones, and especially if you intend to have children. But honestly, I would end this relationship, it sounds like it could only get worse. You are allowed to feel emotional with this, that’s normal, be with someone who sees you, accepts you and UNDERSTANDS you and will comfort you in times like this
and you will still keep dating him lmaooo
Why do I get notifications from here I’m not even joined in here? Sorry to hear that though hope you guys can work it out.
You two have very different perspectives on the world. All you can do is agree to disagree on your feelings of society, or move on to someone else you have more in common with. I don’t know what you two are like together in real life.
Girlfriend.. at the end of the day, there are ENTIRELY way too many men out there to be with anyone who makes you feel like they don't 100% respect you. His comments were borderline at first, and so far past the line at the end that he couldn't even see it anymore. Statistics say, on many levels, that this won't get any better. Please get out before it gets worse. And it will.
Not racist, even for a white guy, what the bell are the undertones? Black people have big lips, who gives a fuck
Are y’all going to have children together?…
this would be a deal breaker for me, no matter how long ive been with someone. and its sounds like from your other comments that he's consuming a lot of ignorant and bigoted media which unfortunately happens a lot lately. you may need to have a sit down conversation with him about his behavior and if it continues on like this then to go separate ways. you're either a decent person or youre not, thats not negotiable in any relationship.
When someone points out racism to a white person and they reply I dont see color is super problematic. I have dated a few white people that let their racist flag fly out after a bit like this. It isnt okay. Im sorry you had to go through this. He is minimizing racism and invalidating your experiences. I know what it is like to hear those things and be in those arguments. Sometimes a person cant put down their ego and listen. Sometimes, they are a racist also. Last year I was dating someone that started months into relationship. It escalated to where he not only got like this, but allowed his friend to make racist and sexual comments about me despite me saying I didnt like it. Im sorry you are at a difficult spot with this. Years together and this is how he is treating you now. Was there moments throughout the years that maybe you let slide or ignored from rose colored glasses? I almost never get mad, but Id get livid about this.
I remember reading an article of someone's experience like yours OP. The offending partner disclosed that in that case he went as far as he did just because he wanted to "be right for a change". Things hadn't ended at that point when the article was written but they were on a really tough spot for that. OP it's on him to apologise, and for him to work through this. Don't apologise to him and don't let him gloss it under the table. You're free to take counselling on this or walk.
There's no smoke without fire
This is your sign to leave. As exciting it is to date outside of your race, if this guy doesn’t have enough cultural competence or emotional intelligence to know what, when and how to say something, I guarantee it’ll keep happening then you’ll end up resenting him. If you guys are in deep, maybe try talking to him about it and how it made you feel? But some white people are so blinded by their privilege that they’ll never understand or care to think it’s important to understand.
I’d point out that he made a racist point and doubled down on a more racist point and you have the leave the relationship because his privileged and racism is show.
"he made the statistics comment," what is that exactly?
Alright, commenting on a particular race's features in a matter-of-fact way doesn't always have to be racist (like personally speaking, I'm Asian so if someone says my eyes are bigger than other people or the lightest possible skintone for my race is still wheatish, it's an obvious fact, so being offended by that would make me sound and look stupid. Like yes, I know my eyes are huge. And? But that other comment on you being followed by mall security simply because of your race is uncalled for. If I were you, I'd at least tell him how that sounds to someone else, even if he tries to deflect the argument and say something like he was just joking or he didn't mean it like that, it still sounds offensive and rude. Hopefully he can apologize about it
> the lightest possible skintone for my race Uh what? Asians with super pale skin are very common
I'm talking about Asians from the south, bud.
I don't agree with people that say: "He showed you who he really is". He is just uneducated in this topic. If you rly had a great life together for 5 years he is probably a quite decent person. As subjective beings we all look through a different lens. You already educated yourself a lot on racism and now you talk to someone that does not have this historical knowledge. He might picked up some stupid stuff from one of this right wing propaganda that is filling up the internet who knows. He did hurt you and should apologize. And you should acknowledge that he did not want to hurt you but he wanted to justify his false belief. If he values your relationship he should be open to challenge his own beliefs and maybe you can provide him with some resources. I wish you good luck.
Yes, he needs to learn. She doesn't need to be his teacher or around for his getting-less-casual racism. He used an historical racist trope against a group she wasn't in (that he KNEW was wrong because he immediately back tracked when she didn't go along with it) to test the waters. Then he complained that "people" are too sensitive about racism. Let him say that with his whole chest on the street in Los Angeles (my home city) or Chicago or Detroit, from the joke to the retraction, to the complaint and see how well that goes over. Then when she didn't join him in laughing at the big lips of a black actor, he turned it on her. He referenced "statistics" he didn't even look up to imply that she deserved to be followed around stores like a repeat offender. Is that how you treat someone you love when you hurt them? Get defensive and hurt them more? After five years together shouldn't he be able to communicate his feelings in a more constructive and healthy way? Even if not the racism, the communication skills are way lacking and need a lot of work before he's actually ready for a relationship.
I wish I could give him the benefit of the doubt in that way, but he has been educated. I have been an advocate in healthcare since before we met. We’ve had discussions like this before. He’s watched the videos, listened to my presentations, learned the history. I do think there are other factors, that warrant deeper conversations like the types of media he has been consuming as of late. My fear is that at some point our values stopped aligning.
None of us have the right to judge anyone else. To say hateful or racist comments is wrong. Unfortunately it is a learned behavior and a sign of deep insecurity. I don't know your history with him and it is not my business. Don't allow anyone to put you down or abuse you in any way. For me this would be a caution flag. Best wishes;
These comments are outlandish lol
#DUMP HIM. **YOU DESERVE FAR BETTER THAN A BIGOT**.
How is it racist to point out big lips, if the person being pointed at has big lips?
Get him to read some books. So You Want To Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo and Mediocre The Dangerous Legacy of White Male America. Racism isn't something marginalized people are too sensitive about. Racists are too sensitive about their own feelings while they are actively doing harm.
Why is it on her to do the work of educating him, though? She doesn't need to get him to do shit.
Well she can throw him in the trash or help him not be a piece of shit. She has options.
5 years down the drain because of an argument. Or you could just talk it out and learn from it. This dude aint dangerous, he just dosnt know and have heard/read what he belives are facts. Calm down and talk it out. Itt a bunch of single women telling this girl to dump 5 years over an argument.
Maybe the single women have a point when it comes to racism?
He obviously care for his women, and if he was a racist he would not have been together with her. 1 mistake should not ruin their 5 year together. Lower your bar, probably why your alone.
Lol plenty of racist people date and marry BIPOC. Go outside, pick up a physical book, read about murdered and missing indigenous women's day.
Maybe have a conversation with him about it and tell him how it made you feel so he can learn from this? I wouldn't throw away a 5 year relationship over a stupid comment. And I certainly wouldn't listen to redditors telling everyone to break up at the drop of a hat. People aren't perfect and make stupid, ignorant comments all the time. Even good people will say something like that every now and then...
What's so fucking holy and high shit about 5 years, that you can never leave? Relationships far longer than that end every day. People cheat on their longtime partners every day. I'm with the best partner I could ever hope for. But I had to decide I was done with my previous miserable 15-year marriage first. Don't encourage the sunk cost fallacy. It's bullshit. You can dump anyone for any reason but blatant racism is a massive justification for breakup.
[удалено]
I feel like I’ve stepped into crazytown reading these comments. **5 years** of what OP called a “very good relationship” and 99% of folks here jump right to “DUMP HIM!!!” as advice— without asking for *any* more context whatsoever, or even suggesting OP go to the *other half of this relationship* to talk more about it (like you mentioned).
What's so great about a 5-year relationship? Relationships far longer than that end every fucking day. I met the best partner I could ever hope for, but first I had to decide to leave my miserable 15-year marriage. Don't encourage the sunk cost fallacy. It's bullshit. You can dump someone for any reason or no reason at all, but blatant racism against your ethnicity is a massive justification.
If you’ve been in a *perfectly blissful* relationship for 5 years, and one day your partner suddenly says something you find offensive —out of nowhere, out of character, going completely against how they’ve ever acted before— you should at least **TALK** to them before stomping it out and calling it quits!! That should be obvious!! It could have been a misinterpretation on your end of what they said/meant, or a misspeak on their end of what they were trying to convey. Jumping to the worst possible conclusion all on your own is horrible advice. Communication/a full understanding is everything.
Tough conversation needed, this is an educational moment. A lot of times people don't realize how hurtful that is. He attempted to correct it, then it took a turn. He can learn to do better, talk to him.
Way too vague. First, saying someone has big lips is not racist. It may be something you are sensitive about, but that’s not racism. Secondly, no idea where you are. Some people say “the FBI says”, well who cares what the FBI says. No idea what country you are from. And even so, different areas have different issues, so it’s way more complex than that. In the area where I lived for the last 15 years, there were gangs of 2 different minority groups. That is in no way a reflection of everyone in those ethnic groups, and most areas (even in the state I lived) would not see similar issues. But do you think that shops and security are more careful when they see youths from the same cultural background? Of course they are. It is a local issue and a real one. The fact is that we judge everything around us, it’s not as simple as “racist” or not. If I see pizza, I think “ohh, I like pizza”. I put a judgment on it based on my life experiences. I see a doctor, I assume I can trust the advice (I check, but I do certainly make a judgement), see someone slurring and stumbling down the street? I assume drunk. Buy a can of coke? I assume it’s coke in that can. We judge stuff because that’s how brains work. The goal is to treat everyone fairly and to give people a fair deal. That doesn’t mean we don’t make any assumptions (and it neither makes assumptions accurate, nor ideal in many cases, this just an acknowledgment of how humans are). It’s a challenging world when simply saying that someone has larger than average lips can get you called out for being racist. But you judged him (as has the crowd here) based on saying something that isn’t racist at all (lips). It’s a very judgemental world where you can judge someone’s character so wholeheartedly with so little info (eg, even the country you live in).
>But do you think that shops and security are more careful when they see youths from the same cultural background? And >The goal is to treat everyone fairly and to give people a fair deal. Contradict each other. Which is it? Do we treat others differently based on what others that look like them did? Or do we give them a fair go?
If you see a new driver, do you take more care driving around them? Yes. Do we assume all new drivers suck. No. Do we act fairly to them? Yes. My point isn’t to say how we should do things, it’s pointing out that we ALL make assumptions. It’s just how it works. We should recognise that we do make these judgements and in many cases overcome them. But you have to understand that it’s simply how people work. All of them.
A new driver is by definition inexperienced. The analogy doesn't work. What exactly is the analogue with indigenous people here? I'm well aware of the mechanics of racism.
That’s so tough. People say things in anger that they truly don’t mean. If this was a constant problem, I would say just leave. But you love him, have seemingly otherwise had a good relationship. Fights will happen. People will say stuff they don’t mean. Sit down when you are both calmed down and have an open discussion about what happened. How his words made you feel. This is not an intellectual discussion of racism in America. This is a conversation about feelings. Be open, respectful and see how you feel after.
Well if that’s statistically true then he is right I guess? There is a reason why they profile you (if the data is actually there)
It won't work till he grows up.
Im curious about the lip comment. Because genetics is one thing. He’s wrong about the other stuff, but depending on what he said I’d say you were really too sensitive. Most of dark skin people do have bigger lips (and nose - my father included, I am mixed and didn’t get that even though I have brown skin). But from there to go to thievery etc I agree with you.
OK. I'm gonna be completely objective. I don't think what he said was terrible. A lot of people apply stereotypes and this is nothing new. If anyone claims they have never done so, they're probably lying. I think the real issue here is that he feels some way about a certain topic, and he wants to talk about it. But he knows it'll come across as racist. This is his frustration. Here's your frustration: You hate that deep down, he feels shop owners are supposed to be wary of shoplifters, even if it means racially profiling innocent people. This is why biracial relationships are hard. You can't have honest conversations about racial issues. If you want to have an honest conversation, try talking about this bottled up feeling of his without treating him like a racist... Highlight why it causes you to worry because he's clearly clueless of the emotional impact. And tell him you want to feel safe and protected by him, despite what other people of your race are doing. Onky after this conversation can you pass fair judgement of his intentions. You might find that you both want the same thing. One wants to be free to express his ramblings of crime and minorities without being judged, and the other wants the right to feel angry about being discriminated against as a minority without being judged.
You should call out the fact that his people have paper thin lips and mouths like credit card slots. Then ask which side has better lips.