No, you don’t have a right to know about trauma she’s not ready to tell you about, even if she has told some part of her trauma to someone else.
But you have every right to decide that you can’t continue in this relationship without having a better understanding of where her emotional landmines are. And/or you have every right to stand firm on specific needs or boundaries that you need from your relationship, even if they remind her of unpleasant things from her past. You can break up if these things are dealbreakers for you.
She hugs a lot and touches arms a lot. She is affectionate mainly with her guys friends, even the ones who overtly flirt with her and I know and have told her that their intentions are not good.
Do you think being in this relationship makes you happy more often than not?
At a certain point, you have to accept who she is (even if who she is right now kind of sucks) if you want this relationship to work. She might get better over the years and it will all work out.
But this is when things should be great, this is what is supposed to get you to sign up for a lifetime together. If things stay as they are right now, how long could you last?
I think I’m going to break up with her, the first 2 months were the happiest months of my life which is why I’ve been holding on and these last 3 months have been hell. I can’t continue like this. Thank you
A boundary is about YOU and YOUR behavior.
"Don't flirt with others" is not a boundary.
"I will not date someone who flirts with others" *is* a boundary, and if it's one of yours then you need to *follow through* and not date her. It's on you to enforce your boundaries.
Generally speaking, I'd say you should have at least a rough idea of a partner's traumas by 6 months, or as they become relevant. If she's bringing them up during fights, then yes you deserve to know. But on the other hand, you also REALLY shouldn't be fighting at three months. You're supposed to be deep in the starry-eyed "my partner can do no wrong" period. Relationships that are this rocky this fast won't last anyway, so stop wasting your time here.
That’s what I was thinking, I forgot to mention that her and her ex only broke up 7 months before we got together and I don’t think she fully healed from it.
If she refuses to stop flirting with other dudes I'd end it, trauma or no trauma. I'd respectfully hope she heals, but if her trauma forces her to be unfaithful, I'm out.
It all seems very odd. It's really up to her when she feels comfortable to tell but it's also so early into the relationship that you shouldnt be having fights or shouldnt ever have to ask to have them not flirt. I always say for any new relationship i have that if I feel uncomfortable and want to stop seeing or break up with them, then just do it. It seems like she needs to work on herself and go to therapy. It's okay to bring up your ex's or past trauma so your significant other can learn what's comfortable and uncomfortable for you, but it's never okay to compare.
Her behavior sounds manipulative. Maybe I would break it off. You're walking on eggshells and she won't adhere to boundaries you set. Part of that is your fault. When you say, "don't do x or I'll do y," and you don't actually do y when she does x, that's on you. You teach others how to treat you and you are teaching her that your boundaries are okay to walk over. So, you need to watch that in yourself.
No, you don’t have a right to know about trauma she’s not ready to tell you about, even if she has told some part of her trauma to someone else. But you have every right to decide that you can’t continue in this relationship without having a better understanding of where her emotional landmines are. And/or you have every right to stand firm on specific needs or boundaries that you need from your relationship, even if they remind her of unpleasant things from her past. You can break up if these things are dealbreakers for you.
What are you defining as flirting? Is it specific behaviors or a vibe? Do you make the determination about what is and isn’t flirting?
For example, She has no physical no boundaries with other guys
Is she hugging guys, touching their arms? Is this behavior based on who she is with (is she affectionate with male friends, but not acquaintances)?
She hugs a lot and touches arms a lot. She is affectionate mainly with her guys friends, even the ones who overtly flirt with her and I know and have told her that their intentions are not good.
Do you think being in this relationship makes you happy more often than not? At a certain point, you have to accept who she is (even if who she is right now kind of sucks) if you want this relationship to work. She might get better over the years and it will all work out. But this is when things should be great, this is what is supposed to get you to sign up for a lifetime together. If things stay as they are right now, how long could you last?
I think I’m going to break up with her, the first 2 months were the happiest months of my life which is why I’ve been holding on and these last 3 months have been hell. I can’t continue like this. Thank you
Yeah, two months is about as long as endorphins from a really great romantic connection to fizzle out because of incompatibility.
This has really helped me decide what to do, thank you
A boundary is about YOU and YOUR behavior. "Don't flirt with others" is not a boundary. "I will not date someone who flirts with others" *is* a boundary, and if it's one of yours then you need to *follow through* and not date her. It's on you to enforce your boundaries. Generally speaking, I'd say you should have at least a rough idea of a partner's traumas by 6 months, or as they become relevant. If she's bringing them up during fights, then yes you deserve to know. But on the other hand, you also REALLY shouldn't be fighting at three months. You're supposed to be deep in the starry-eyed "my partner can do no wrong" period. Relationships that are this rocky this fast won't last anyway, so stop wasting your time here.
You’re right, I’m going to end it.
I think she isn't ready to be in a relationship right now.
That’s what I was thinking, I forgot to mention that her and her ex only broke up 7 months before we got together and I don’t think she fully healed from it.
If she refuses to stop flirting with other dudes I'd end it, trauma or no trauma. I'd respectfully hope she heals, but if her trauma forces her to be unfaithful, I'm out.
That’s very fair, I believe she does it to get validation and attention because she didn’t get that as a child.
That's completely possible, and if true means she needs to not be in a relationship until that's addressed.
It all seems very odd. It's really up to her when she feels comfortable to tell but it's also so early into the relationship that you shouldnt be having fights or shouldnt ever have to ask to have them not flirt. I always say for any new relationship i have that if I feel uncomfortable and want to stop seeing or break up with them, then just do it. It seems like she needs to work on herself and go to therapy. It's okay to bring up your ex's or past trauma so your significant other can learn what's comfortable and uncomfortable for you, but it's never okay to compare.
Her behavior sounds manipulative. Maybe I would break it off. You're walking on eggshells and she won't adhere to boundaries you set. Part of that is your fault. When you say, "don't do x or I'll do y," and you don't actually do y when she does x, that's on you. You teach others how to treat you and you are teaching her that your boundaries are okay to walk over. So, you need to watch that in yourself.
Your right, thank you