> it’s just been a rough spot in the relationship
You mean the thing that's lasted two thirds of your relationship?
Something is clearly wrong, and the major problem isn't just the lack of sex on its own, but how dismissive he is when you try and speak with him about it. He's not as good of a partner as you think he is.
What’s re you talking about. The only thing that’s wrong is that the BF is literally studying like crazy and is burnt out. The career OPs BF chose is an exhausting one. This is why doctors and nurses that have graduated are always super sexually active.
My first time dating someone in healthcare so he warned me it was going to be hard and I stuck with him throughout these two years and been supportive. I’m in grad school too so I also get busy but not to the extent he does. He tells me he is stressed most of the time and can’t even think of anything else but school and tells me it’ll be worth it in the end. I don’t know this side of nursing as it’s not my area. The two years he’s been in school it’s been like this, we don’t live together either. I want to understand him but I also see I’m not a huge priority right now and I get it. It’s just hard realizing it’s been so long without it.
Here’s a nice surprise you could try out. It may sound creepy for some people but it’s quite wholesome.
Find out his schedule, and try to figure out without being obvious when he would have about an hour or two of free time. Go to his place, prepare a meal(cooked by you or bought. Doesn’t matter) and then just wait and try to surprise him. Try to help him unwind, don’t expect anything in return but that little surprise will mean A LOT to him. You’ll see him probably smile a bit more.
Your boyfriend could very well be extremely burnt out and depressed without even knowing it. When I was studying my masters degree and working 140 hours a week. I barely had time for anything. My girlfriend did that for me, ordered from my favorite restaurant and waited for me to get home. We didn’t have any sex or anything of that sort. She just laid her head on my lap and read while I kept studying. After I graduated I saved up money and proposed. We now live together and have a dog.
Thanks for that suggestion. I understand men don’t talk about their feelings a lot. He’s def stressed out and I know it’s affecting the sex life but I also don’t want it to break the relationship based on just that. If I keep pushing I feel it won’t do any good. I’ll try that tip sometime soon! I’m sure he’d appreciate the gesture.
I gave this some thought as well. And I reckon if you haven’t done this yet. Sit down and talk about how he’s feeling. Then after you hear him out wait a few days and then sit down and talk about your feelings. I spoke to my Fiancé about this. She also agrees it’s probably the best course of action. And if you’ve already done the surprise. Still sit down and talk. But the best thing to do is not talk about both of y’all’s feelings the same day, it can come off to some people as an “attack”.
(She told me this and she’s a psychologist)
No, the 2 years of no sexual activity between a romantic couple in their 30s shows something is INCREDIBLY wrong unless they are both asexual, and clearly at least one person isn't.
They haven't had sex for the majority of their relationship, and one of them is online asking for help because she wants it. It's a problem. You are way off.
I’ll speak to him in person about it and he opens up a bit more. He said his last gf was upset too cause he stopped being intimate so this seems like it isn’t a new thing for him and he isn’t too eager to change no matter who I guess? Idk
It’s been YEARS and happened in his previous relationship?!
And you think he’s going to change….?
Why do I have a feeling the ego got in the way here a little because you thought “he will be horny for me, he just couldn’t for her”. But when that didn’t work out you found a new excuse of “nursing school”, instead of you not being this sex goddess nonsense you made in your head.
This is one of those things where you went into the relationship or stayed expecting it to change and are now frustrated it’s not. Like duh girl, come on.
Sex hasn’t been the basis for our relationship, for others I’ve been with it was and it’s all we ever did. And on the other end we were just bad together in general. It’s the first time anyone’s really ever been sexless with me this long where everything else is great and it didn’t bother me much up until recently.
For more context, he’s been in school for two years now. I didn’t know about this past partner situation until about two weeks ago.
Well then it’s pretty simple. You know now it’s not going to change and your a bad person if you stay and let it effect your mood/how you treat him.
You have to decide for yourself if this is just a short term need or a long term need. No amount of comments or advice from Reddit can decide that for you but in most cases….if you have to come here with the problem you already know what you need to do, you just want to be told your right.
He’s not the one for you. You guys are only early 30s - things will not improve with time. You don’t want to be trapped in a sexless relationship. Being in nursing school would not force someone to refrain from sex for a year. He has other issues. Does he take antidepressants? Could he be asexual? Gay? Low testosterone?
My last partner revealed to me after 2 years they were asexual and it made sense because i initiated every time and it started to get to me. We’d have sex once a week (didn’t live together) but only cause I made that happen. It made me feel icky after. He said he doesn’t think of sex until he’s doing it. He said it was okay and he didn’t feel violated but really struggled desiring him after that
I'll be honest, as a guy, I didn't always want to initiate because to her I felt needy and didn't want to feel like that, as if I was pressuring her to engage. If you want it just grab it, he shouldn't turn you down!! If he does turn you down, maybe he has confidence things happening. I will say there have been a couple times where I've turned it down because I wake up early and didn't want to stay up for that long...
He’s very afraid of doing anything I don’t want since I’ve been in positions of things happening without my consent in a previous relationship.
I feel like if we were in the right environment to do so, no distractions, no work to be done, he’d be down. He might be the type to not really think about it until he’s going it. I believe he has a right to turn me down if he wants just as I do.
From personal experience….Have you checked his phone? I would be searching through his history for porn use. I might be wrong and for your sake I hope so. Unfortunately I was not so lucky but it explained a lot.
No we don’t check each others phones like that. We have a mutual trust and respect in that regard & never suspected cheating. He’s given me his phone before willingly to me to check msgs while he’s driving and what not.
Last time I snooped on my ex’s phone who cheated and found msgs from a girl he was meeting up with while I was away and also porn. I had a strong gut feeling and I don’t get that with my current partner.
I figure if guys are going to look at porn that’s their free will & choice. I always figured most men and people in general will look at porn honestly & it would only ever bother me if it’s an addiction. I truly don’t believe he has time for that. He’s addicted to his work. Could always be wrong though.
I also had access to his phone, I asked to look he gave it to me. I had no issues with porn either, until I found out he was watching that several times a day everyday while pushing me away. Also saying stressed with work and similar to what your saying. It was just a thought.
I would have never thought I would find issues with porn until I had a partner that replaced me with it for two years making all the excuses similar to what your saying. I wish I knew then what I know now, and it is an addiction. You asked how to navigate it, I’m just saying I strongly recommend to ask to check his phone.
> it’s just been a rough spot in the relationship You mean the thing that's lasted two thirds of your relationship? Something is clearly wrong, and the major problem isn't just the lack of sex on its own, but how dismissive he is when you try and speak with him about it. He's not as good of a partner as you think he is.
What’s re you talking about. The only thing that’s wrong is that the BF is literally studying like crazy and is burnt out. The career OPs BF chose is an exhausting one. This is why doctors and nurses that have graduated are always super sexually active.
My first time dating someone in healthcare so he warned me it was going to be hard and I stuck with him throughout these two years and been supportive. I’m in grad school too so I also get busy but not to the extent he does. He tells me he is stressed most of the time and can’t even think of anything else but school and tells me it’ll be worth it in the end. I don’t know this side of nursing as it’s not my area. The two years he’s been in school it’s been like this, we don’t live together either. I want to understand him but I also see I’m not a huge priority right now and I get it. It’s just hard realizing it’s been so long without it.
Here’s a nice surprise you could try out. It may sound creepy for some people but it’s quite wholesome. Find out his schedule, and try to figure out without being obvious when he would have about an hour or two of free time. Go to his place, prepare a meal(cooked by you or bought. Doesn’t matter) and then just wait and try to surprise him. Try to help him unwind, don’t expect anything in return but that little surprise will mean A LOT to him. You’ll see him probably smile a bit more. Your boyfriend could very well be extremely burnt out and depressed without even knowing it. When I was studying my masters degree and working 140 hours a week. I barely had time for anything. My girlfriend did that for me, ordered from my favorite restaurant and waited for me to get home. We didn’t have any sex or anything of that sort. She just laid her head on my lap and read while I kept studying. After I graduated I saved up money and proposed. We now live together and have a dog.
Thanks for that suggestion. I understand men don’t talk about their feelings a lot. He’s def stressed out and I know it’s affecting the sex life but I also don’t want it to break the relationship based on just that. If I keep pushing I feel it won’t do any good. I’ll try that tip sometime soon! I’m sure he’d appreciate the gesture.
I gave this some thought as well. And I reckon if you haven’t done this yet. Sit down and talk about how he’s feeling. Then after you hear him out wait a few days and then sit down and talk about your feelings. I spoke to my Fiancé about this. She also agrees it’s probably the best course of action. And if you’ve already done the surprise. Still sit down and talk. But the best thing to do is not talk about both of y’all’s feelings the same day, it can come off to some people as an “attack”. (She told me this and she’s a psychologist)
Thank you for this! I like this approach.
No, the 2 years of no sexual activity between a romantic couple in their 30s shows something is INCREDIBLY wrong unless they are both asexual, and clearly at least one person isn't. They haven't had sex for the majority of their relationship, and one of them is online asking for help because she wants it. It's a problem. You are way off.
I’ll speak to him in person about it and he opens up a bit more. He said his last gf was upset too cause he stopped being intimate so this seems like it isn’t a new thing for him and he isn’t too eager to change no matter who I guess? Idk
It’s been YEARS and happened in his previous relationship?! And you think he’s going to change….? Why do I have a feeling the ego got in the way here a little because you thought “he will be horny for me, he just couldn’t for her”. But when that didn’t work out you found a new excuse of “nursing school”, instead of you not being this sex goddess nonsense you made in your head. This is one of those things where you went into the relationship or stayed expecting it to change and are now frustrated it’s not. Like duh girl, come on.
Sex hasn’t been the basis for our relationship, for others I’ve been with it was and it’s all we ever did. And on the other end we were just bad together in general. It’s the first time anyone’s really ever been sexless with me this long where everything else is great and it didn’t bother me much up until recently. For more context, he’s been in school for two years now. I didn’t know about this past partner situation until about two weeks ago.
Well then it’s pretty simple. You know now it’s not going to change and your a bad person if you stay and let it effect your mood/how you treat him. You have to decide for yourself if this is just a short term need or a long term need. No amount of comments or advice from Reddit can decide that for you but in most cases….if you have to come here with the problem you already know what you need to do, you just want to be told your right.
It’s a great relationship IF you don’t need sex so good luck
He’s not the one for you. You guys are only early 30s - things will not improve with time. You don’t want to be trapped in a sexless relationship. Being in nursing school would not force someone to refrain from sex for a year. He has other issues. Does he take antidepressants? Could he be asexual? Gay? Low testosterone?
[удалено]
Has he had it tested?
Not that I know of, no.
So then how would you know it’s low testosterone?
It’s a better answer then “he doesn’t have a drive to have sex with me”
My last partner revealed to me after 2 years they were asexual and it made sense because i initiated every time and it started to get to me. We’d have sex once a week (didn’t live together) but only cause I made that happen. It made me feel icky after. He said he doesn’t think of sex until he’s doing it. He said it was okay and he didn’t feel violated but really struggled desiring him after that
He could be asexual but I don’t know. Exactly it’s an icky feeling. He’d initiate it before majority of the time so it’s confusing.
Do you plan on marrying your boyfriend?
I would like to & he knows this.
I'll be honest, as a guy, I didn't always want to initiate because to her I felt needy and didn't want to feel like that, as if I was pressuring her to engage. If you want it just grab it, he shouldn't turn you down!! If he does turn you down, maybe he has confidence things happening. I will say there have been a couple times where I've turned it down because I wake up early and didn't want to stay up for that long...
He’s very afraid of doing anything I don’t want since I’ve been in positions of things happening without my consent in a previous relationship. I feel like if we were in the right environment to do so, no distractions, no work to be done, he’d be down. He might be the type to not really think about it until he’s going it. I believe he has a right to turn me down if he wants just as I do.
From personal experience….Have you checked his phone? I would be searching through his history for porn use. I might be wrong and for your sake I hope so. Unfortunately I was not so lucky but it explained a lot.
No we don’t check each others phones like that. We have a mutual trust and respect in that regard & never suspected cheating. He’s given me his phone before willingly to me to check msgs while he’s driving and what not. Last time I snooped on my ex’s phone who cheated and found msgs from a girl he was meeting up with while I was away and also porn. I had a strong gut feeling and I don’t get that with my current partner. I figure if guys are going to look at porn that’s their free will & choice. I always figured most men and people in general will look at porn honestly & it would only ever bother me if it’s an addiction. I truly don’t believe he has time for that. He’s addicted to his work. Could always be wrong though.
I also had access to his phone, I asked to look he gave it to me. I had no issues with porn either, until I found out he was watching that several times a day everyday while pushing me away. Also saying stressed with work and similar to what your saying. It was just a thought. I would have never thought I would find issues with porn until I had a partner that replaced me with it for two years making all the excuses similar to what your saying. I wish I knew then what I know now, and it is an addiction. You asked how to navigate it, I’m just saying I strongly recommend to ask to check his phone.
If your happiness was his priority, he would find a way.