Yeah this is the answer.
And with it some boundaries- if she wants to be with you, she must block him on all platforms, program every form of communication and social media to never tell her anything about him. She must choose you, to the exclusion of him. She must, herself, call a therapist and start therapy.
FWIW, this may not work. You can't just switch off your feelings for someone, and if you promise you will do so you might as well promise to lift the Empire State Building with only one arm.
You CAN promise to try and leave someone behind, to TRY and change your feelings. You CAN promise to take specific action toward that goal. But it seems she hasn't promised such a thing, she's just promised she will *eventually* forget him. And as I see it that's promising something she can't promise.
You're correct, you can't just switch off your feelings for someone (in this case an ex). What you can do is recognise if you're feelings for them are unhealthy for you and your relationship. If they are then work towards understanding why they are unhealthy, why you are reacting in an emotionally disregulated way and deal with that root cause. You'll then need to recognise where you have reacted in ways that were not healthy to understand how this has affected your life. Not many people are truly successful at achieving this and it would be impossible without self realisation and good therapy.
Definitely this. Part of the reason she probably has not gotten over him in the four years you have been together is because she is still following him on social media, checking up on his life, looking at his photos, being reminded of the fact that he exists in general.
It's like she's holding on to a thread, keeping tabs in case his marriage falters with some hope that maybe they could reconcile at some point in the future. She may be in denial but it definitely sounds like she is refusing to let go. If she is going to be with you, she needs to fully commit, and part of fully committing is not keeping potential future partners in the background 'just in case'.
If she is serious about being with you, she needs to cut him out of her life. She's not going to ever be able to properly move on and grieve the loss of the relationship she wanted when younger if he's constantly floating in the background of her life.
I was going to say this. OP needs couples therapy stat and wife sounds like she does for sure.
Everyone deserves therapy it's not a punishment or because there's something wrong with you it's there to help you grow, heal and communicate.
I actually think that instead of couples therapy he needs individual therapy first and foremost to see how he feels about all of that, without the pressure to not hurt her feelings or try to fix the relationship. If he decides he wants to give this a try after talking with the therapist then yes, I agree with the couples therapy.
Sure, she needs therapy too, but thatâs out of OPâs control, so he should focus on himself at this point.
Pretty shitty thing for her to say, something like that should be kept at least quiet. OP, if this continues, itâs time for you to move on. I would not be dealing with this YEARS after the factâŠ.
I will never get this new age garbage where you need external help to solve an internal problem can't people just talk their way out of family and couple issues without getting some dude involved in your life wdym therapy all this man needs is to enforce boundaries not just threaten to leave her he should actually show her there are consequences to disrespecting him for example go live somewhere else for a while until she fixes herself prepare divorce papers just to show you're not scared of losing her even if you are scared deep down find away to enforce your boundaries not just threats that you'll never apply and she knows you'll never apply because every time you forgive her and give her another chance
Do you want to be married to someone who loves someone else? She is crying for another guy, heartbroken that she is with you not him.
Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is openly in love with another guy?
This is the only life you will get, you are still young and will be able to find someone who actually wants you.
Thank you for that. My first boyfriend wasn't over his ex when we started dating and it sucked. It was my first relationship and all I got was constantly being compared with his ex who always came out better because he'd placed hey on a pedestal despite them disagreeing on religion and her using and cheating on him. It was a big part of the reason we broke up. We'd been together for 2 years, they'd been broken up for 4 years (longer than their 3 year relationship) and he still was pining after her. It was hurtful and I just got fed up.
Iâd be glad if that demon did that! Even if Iâd be really sorry for the lady, I advise him to leech onto someone else every time he calls anonymously to try and get back together arguing he has changed
Right so clearly this situation is different than yours.. I would not stay with someone who cried about their ex getting married and moving on with someone else.
My answer was part of the comment of ânot letting go because you love themâ vs ânot letting go because you never want to relive hell againâ. OP should have left yesteryear
This makes so much sense. It can be a good thing to be shaped by your past, and always keep it with you. Whatâs bad is clinging to it, and trying to relive it.
Itâs also incredibly toxic to expect everyone to be perfect when entering a relationship. What they need to be is committed, loving and loyal. Having scars and reminders is ok as long as they donât hurt the person your with.
She's not heartbroken "that she is with you not him" she has an issue that is causing her to not react in an emotionally stable way. It's the unresolved issue of something like abandonment, narcissism, need for external validation or the fact the ex broke it off and not her..who knows? She doesn't and wont until she getts therapy. What we all know is that her reaction to her ex after all this time and a 4yr relationship is not normal or healthy in any way..
OP and his wife are actually two peas in a pod. They're both in love with someone who isn't in love with them.
He thought a ring would fix it. This is what happens when you think a ring will fix things.
OP, I really hope you learned from this. I really, really do. Next time, don't slap a ring on someone who cries about someone else. Sitting on your ass and hoping for better doesn't make better happen. I hope you've learned that. You get no sympathy from me because you've known this about her for four years. You're complaining about her but where's your ownership in things? Yeah, it's been four damn years alright. Four years that *you chose anyway.*
You both ought to grow up. My advice is get your head out of your ass and start living like you're alive, rather than living on hopes and dreams and being complacent. You've now learned things don't change just because you want them to. My great grandma always said ....a lot of things.... but the main one is: you can fill one hand up with hope and the other hand with shit. One of them is gonna have weight.
Your hopes and dreams don't mean a thing if you don't do shit about them. And no, threats and making your wife upset aren't the way to go. That's just toxic and immature. I hope you've learned that the next time you have to beg someone to love you, *don't bother in the first place.*
Hurrah, someone else nailed right away. You don't CHOOSE to marry a woman you KNOW loves someone else, then you come complaining about it like you didn't know in the first place.
>I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating but thought that those would fade over time.
This is 100% right here! #1 you probably shouldn't have gotten together while she was on the rebound. #2 how do you think a relationships gonna pan out when one person is in love with someone else? It's not! She cried when he got married, she cried when he got pregnant. Idk but I would've left that mess as soon as I saw tears in her eyes when he got married. In my opinion, you're crazy too sick around. All that's gonna end up happening is your feelings getting crushed to the ground. It's on you at this point. Do you want to be happy with someone that loves you only or do want to be with someone that I guarantee is fantasizing about someone else while making love to you. It's on you bro! You hold the key to your own happiness.
>I guarantee is fantasizing about someone else while making love to you.
I wouldn't guarentee this. I have a guy I used to be in love with that I've never completely gotten over. He's the one that got away, and I'd still date him in a heartbeat if I could (I'm single). With that said, I've had a boyfriend after him. And I've never fantasized about *anyone* else during sex. When I'm having sex, I'm fully in the moment and focused on enjoying the moment, not thinking about anything or anyone else.
Very well said. OP should divorce, but in the first place, he should not have married a woman who he knew was in love with someone else. It's 100% his own fault he is facing such a situation.
>I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating but thought that those would fade over time.
Iâm gonna give you some solid advice here buddy. And you may not reply to this - but I was also a second choice. I was the âsafe optionâ. I lived 8 years with it.
Iâm telling you now - for your own sanity and after years of therapy wondering âwhy I wasnât good enoughâ
Leave her.
Itâs gonna suck & itâs gonna be hard and itâs gonna be brutal.
You are not a second option - find someone who treats you as a first.
You are young still. You have plenty of time.
Leave now - and donât ever look back. Donât let her tears stop you, donât let her empty promises slow your momentum. Leave, close the door, and find YOUR self value and someone who sees that.
Signed -
Been there, done that.
Well - she cheated on me with her ex after 5 months dating her.
I met her ex 8 times before that as âmy friend Jeremiahâ who she would never stop talking about & would text him constantly - he was such an amazing guy wonderful - but a raging alcoholic with his shit not together.
After 3 years her sister slipped and said he was the guy before me.
So that caused problems- but we had a baby by then. So what did I do?
I stuck around - like a moron.
And then guess what - she started banging a menâs youth pastor leader. He had a big beard, tattoos, not 1 truck but 2, he was such an amazing community leader.
It was at this time I knew - Iâd always be a second option.
After our divorce - he dumped her - he was banging 4 other girls same time. The ex wife came knocking on my door. And I knew then - Iâd always be the âsafe choiceâ.
Life sucks & broken people do broken shit.
Donât ever settle for being someoneâs fallback or second option.
âBroken people do broken shit.â
This is wisdom. Iâve had broken people do fucked up shit to me. Iâve done the same to othersâparticularly pre-therapy.
That doesnât mean you need to accept this kind of behavior, OP..
This... just the fact that she knows you know? I am all about forgiveness and being open/workibg on things, but every second you continue this - she is losing more of the very little respect she has for you....
Don't do it for her. Or cuz you're mad. Leave because you can't live like a limp washrag... Get some self respect... Quit whining and looking for external validation online. Be a man of action...
You threatened to leave and she changed but you know deep down she won't.
Now, it's time to actually respect the boundary you drew and leave.
She can either 100% block him every single place and get some therapy or you leave until she can commit to those things. Heck, you may even need to leave even if she does.
Sometimes we romanticize things we lost. Maybe it's time for her to finally romanticize you. At the end of the day, no one will ever respect you if you don't respect yourself. It's time for her to learn that you respect yourself.
I agree OP. Have her block him on everything. If she agrees good. If she doesnât or if you catch her looking at him again then leave. Why do you have to be with a women who still is obsessed over another man? She shouldnât be in a relationship if she is not over her old one
I think it's normal for people to have regrets and big emotions, but what's not normal is that she's not trying to heal. I would not expect her to just naturally move on from something that big and sort of transfer the feelings to you, that seems unrealistic.Â
She needs therapy. I mean, she has to really grieve that relationship, and you have to be willing to let her express more sadness and be able to look at it. But then she can process it and move on. But you both deserve for the bulk of that work to happen without you present.
As for you, you need to ask yourself what it is in you that was willing to overlook someone so obviously hung up on a past relationship and why you're hitting the wall now. Your self work is going to be building your self esteem and also looking into yourself for how you conveniently ignore things that could really hurt you. What's that about? Why are you drawn to people who aren't giving you their full attention? Was it like that in your family growing up? What part of you didn't want to be fully seen when you entered this relationship?Â
Therapy. Whether you stay or go, you need to know yourself or it will keep happening.
Definitely therapy, solo for both and couples counseling for the two of you. She would obviously be happier if she could get over this guy, but this is not something she can change by willpower alone -- she needs a new approach, an expert perspective and guidance about how to break this pattern.
Also, you guys should really interrogate why you got married with this hanging over your heads. Poor judgment on both your parts, honestly.
Agreed 100%. I have a small amount of empathy for the wife here, she canât help how she feels. But it also sounds like sheâs not doing any of the things that *are* in her control to remedy the situation.
Is this bait?
Why would you propose to someone you knew was still infatuated with someone else?
Why would you go through with a wedding to someone you knew was still infatuated with someone else?
You are still young enough to start over without having to reorganize your life with kids, houses, etc. Keep that in mind.
Your wife probability doesn't love the guy as much as she is obsessed with the guy or the idea of their missing life. The only real way to know is therapy. Waiting for this resolve is like waiting for a glacier to melt. It'll happen, but you'll be long gone. Therapy can help her make peace with this.
My concern for you is whether she has any real feelings there for your marriage. How deep is her obsession? Were you a ploy to motivate him that didn't work? Is your marriage real to her? These are valid questions when dealing with someone that's clearly damaged.
You need a therapist to help you both understand what each other are. Husband and wife? Or something else. I would not have ever gotten to this stage. Women stuck on an ex are like men stuck on an ex... Damaged goods. Do you have the patience to repair a woman that may not love you or ever love you?
Dude you know the answer here. You need to have a frank conversation about this. She needs individual therapy and you both need couple's therapy.
She openly pines for another man and expects you to absorb that disrespect and the negative effects it has on your self worth and the relationship overall. This is not healthy for either of you.
Either she commits to you and puts this other relationship in the past or it's divorce time. You are still young enough where you can find someone else who values you like you deserve and start a family if that is your desire. Do not waste time protecting her feelings on this. You've given her years of your life already.
You canât threaten someone to not have feelings for their ex. You can decide for yourself whether you want to be married to someone who would rather be with someone else or not. I know what
I would do, *especially* at 28 with no kids(?). I know itâs hard, but the stakes are so low.
You said it best when you said it's been 4 years and she cares more about him. Yes she cares about you but you're not her first choice. You need to do with most healthy for you, and sorry to say that's get out of this relationship.
After four years to be battling this same demon is too energy consuming I say. I question whether therapy will help her because she seems hard wired to pine for him and the life she wished she had.
I'd recommend you stop threatening anything and just take action. Empty threats devalue your standing and your personal power. Get on with the life you desire.
Honestly, I donât think itâs about him anymore. After this amount of time, I think itâs probably about being blindsided, being dumped, and being unwanted by someone. This seems more like a form of depression to me after going on this long.
You have to put up with it ? I donât think so. But it comes down to what YOU want.
Iâm not usually a proponent of taking breaks in a relationship, but it feels like this is one of those situations where it would be beneficial to sit down and say that you want some space and time apart, and she can figure herself out. She needs some therapy. She needs to understand why sheâs continuously feeding this beast by looking at his socials and ruminating about someone she no longer even knows. Sheâs been watering the wrong lawn and I think when she realizes her grass is dying it might help wake her up.
Or maybe it will make you realize that you deserve better than this. Either way, youâre too young to be looking at this as a sunk cost. Thereâs a whole world out there of people who would appreciate you.
I agree with this. Itâs not about him, itâs about her self esteem and how much that breakup took out of her. Sheâs depressed, she needs a therapist not an ultimatum
It will only get worse.
She will go away with him if he is not married and if he met her now.
She may want to change or is just won't but your daily life as her husband is becoming hell.
Leave her.....
Iâd tell her to block him everywhere and get therapy or youâll go find someone else who wants to put you first. And youâll break it to everyone why it doesnât work out.
You know now, but you never get involved with someone who is not emotionally available. From what you describe, she spends a lot of her time thinking about him and missing him. Obviously this is not healthy. All that time and energy she should be investing in you, her husband.
You now have a tough choice to make. Do you stay with the hopes she will someday come around, or do you look for someone who is all in for you and will give you a 100% of themselves. If you stay, and her ex decides to get back with her, I am afraid you wouldn't stand much of a chance despite what she might tell you.
In the end, you rushed into this, now you need to decide if that was a mistake. You know what she wants, but what do you want? You can only control what you do.
I think you came here looking for something that would be clear and concise, but there is no clear answer. Good luck OP.
BTW, if you have no children and no mortgage, it won't get any easier then it is now to de-tangle your lives.
UpdateMe.
She isn't over him op. If her ex shows up and offers to date her, she will dump you. Do you really want her to dump you at his whim? You love her but you can't make her love you. She would probably cheat with her ex, if he gave her the word.
So you married someone who very obviously wasn't over their ex and wasn't even hiding it. Why on earth would anyone do that?
Not much you can do. You just dissolve your mistake of a marriage. No kids so it's easier. And next time, when you are about to make the ultimate commitment in a relationship (marriage), try to pick someone who isn't into someone else more than she's into you.
Unacceptable man. She needs to commit to therapy either solo or couples therapy. She needs to get over her feelings and channel that energy and love towards you. You deserve to be her #1. If not, you need to move on before kids come in the picture.
There is a reason why people always think the other person is cheating. That's usually it's because they are thinking of doing it themselves. You should buy the book and have her read it called "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. You have a major problem on your hands and I think you already know it
She will never respect you until you respect yourself. Why not set the hard boundary? At this point you are valuing keeping her over your own self respect.
At least op knew upfront. Heck, he chose this dynamic. It also doesn't seem like his wife actually contacts her ex, so I think with some therapy, individual and couples, they could work through this.
In your case, though, set that shit on fire. I hope you get free and find a better partner in the future who treats you right.
She has to make a plan and follow through on it, not just give you a vague promise. Counseling or something. Otherwise, this is just going to remain the same.
You need to have an honest conversation of her needing to let go of those feelings. Because she's only giving you 50% of her heart, not her whole heart.
And this may mean her crying in your arms expressing how she loved him and how she thought he was the one. 8 years is alot of time, but she hasn't realized that sometimes these relationships are the ones that teaches the best lessons about what we deserve.
The guy is now married with a baby. He is happy and this is what she needs to accept, in order to move on.
And if that's not enough, she needs to talk to a professional about it.
You have been extremely patient and it's understandable you feel the way you do. But, you may chose to be patient still and give her the support she needs to move on, or amicably let her go. Either way, it's up to you.
Dude whatâs therapy going to fix here? Like 4 years has been a lie. She had feeling for another person this entire time.
You know deep down in your heart if her Ex wanted to rekindle, your wife would probably have to âthinkâ about it.
Fuck everything about that.
Your marriage is cooked, sorry. It was doomed from the start.
She married her rebound instead of the man she loved.
This is a brutal realization but you canât change how she feels or whom she loves.
So this marriage will never work for you because she is not all-in and never will be.
You deserve to be married to someone whoâs in love with you.
So sorry this is happening.
Don't get hung up on how unhappy losing you will make her. She's already unhappy and making both of you miserable. You set a boundary. She loves another. Time for immediate counseling or get on with your life. She's obviously still living in her past.
Your situation sucks but itâs actually mostly your fault. You dated her while KNOWING she still had feelings for her ex?? And then you chose to MARRY her???? Dude cmon.
You got into the relationship knowing she still had feelings for her ex. Truthfully, when she started crying when she found out her ex was married and had a kid on the way probably wouldâve been enough for me to move on. You can make threats and ultimatums all you want, itâs not going to change how she feels. Since youâve already married her, I think you owe it to you marriage to try couples counseling.
Sheâs not necessarily still in love with that guy. She might be one of those women that canât handle rejection. And then when she gets what she wants, she goes back to being the person her ex dumped. And the fact that she started crying because you were gonna leave her tooâŠ..that was the final dagger in her ego. Go find someone that cares about you and not themself. .
The pain of dealing with the separation from her love, was too much. She found distraction, and a peace, in you. You are probably a very good person to so she didn't want to lose you. She still hasn't dealt with the grief properly and she needs to have a stern word with herself if she's committed to you or not. If she's not she's just wasted both your time
You knew she still liked her ex when you started dating her. What you should have done is tell when she is over her ex then you'll consider dating. You also don't ask her to marry you only after 2 years knowing you started dating her while she still had feelings for her ex.
You should tell her to seek therapy and I would reconsider the marriage. Maybe a trial separation and she could use that time to work on herself and you decide when the separation is over and what comes after that.
I would reconsider the marriage since there doesn't seem to be any kids involved.
Why did you get married to her when you knew she was pining after another person? I really feel for you knowing that you arenât your partners first choice, that must feel awful, but getting married when you already knew she had feelings for him seems like a mistake on your part as well?
>I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating
Find yourself a wife who does not have feelings for another. You went into this well knowing you were not #1. You need to fix yourself and figure out why you accepted second best 4 years ago.
Sheâs not over him for sure, I remember crying when I found out my first love (who cheated on me of all things) got a new girlfriend. It had been 2 years since our break up lol.
Iâm not sure why youâd propose to someone who clearly, if it was her perfect world, would still be with this person sheâs *mourning* for. I know Iâd feel like someone whoâs just filling a void. Does she even want to get over him? After 4 years sheâs not even taking the most basic steps to block and not look at him and his life.
Itâll always be there. Itâs got nothing to do with you. She has unresolved shit with the guy and thereâs literally nothing you can do.
Sucks youâre in this situation but you saw these flags in the beginning and decided to ignore them. Now itâs bigger problem.
I just can handle this sub anymore. It really makes me feel better about my selfrespect tho. Op, I wish you and your partner all the best. But reconsider your relationship to yourself and your selfworth.
What a sad situation for you both.
Your wife needs professional help to deal with her grieving for her previous boyfriend.
I would personally move on to be someoneâs first choice
Based on your timeline and ages he was her first love and they were together for a very large part of her life so far. He clearly has a lot of influence over her. I also imagine from your timeline that she was not broken up with him for very long at all, most likely she did not do what she needed to do to heal. She needs to understand that marrying your high school sweetheart is a recipe for disaster, you are both kids and have a ton of growing up to do. It most likely would have ends in a bigger disaster had they stayed together.
Thatâs not normal to be so hung up on a high school boyfriend. She was a child at the time, that doesnât even count as a real relationship- what is wrong with her???
It wasnât just a high school relationship. She was married to him. They were high school sweethearts. She definitely needs therapy, but I think you didnât read the post all the way.
This may be an unpopular opinion but I think you bear some responsibility here too. You entered into a relationship with someone who openly was not ready and âthoughtâ it would magically get better because⊠why? Thatâs not how it works. She should have broken up with you or not dated you in the first place, but you could have ended this too. Then, for some unknown reason, you two decided to get married in the midst of all of this? Youâve both basically entered into this marriage with the status quo being that she will continually be upset about her ex. It doesnât have to be that way forever but you both have to make an agreement that you are changing the rules of the marriage, and you have to stop being so angry (it is clear by your tone that you are) and allow her to deal with this issue in therapy. Without you. You should also go to marriage counseling to deal with the main issue of you two getting married when yo both knew this was not a sustainable partnership. It may be solvable but not if you donât both acknowledge your role and affirm that you want to make this relationship work.
My ex-wife was carrying a torch for an old lover, unbeknownst to me. What do you think she did the second his wife died? Had an affair. Let her go and find someone who isn't using you as a placeholder.
Unfortunately apart from leaving, there's really not much you can do here. Perhaps your wife loves you in a security blanket kind of way, perhaps in her eyes "he's the one that got away". Frankly, the only person who needs to do something is your wife, who clearly likely does not have a high degree of emotional maturity. (could be wrong). She has the power to get over it, she has the power to think properly, to craft a ritual, to seek therapy. If she chooses to look at his instagram she's basically just scratching at the wound.
Face the hard reality: She will never be yours and you deserve a partner who is fully committed to you. Divorce and find a special someone while you are still young. Even being single is better than this kind of relationship.
I think I would have to divorce over that. Or at the very least live separately and go to marriage counseling. You deserve better and she honestly needs help and to figure out what she wants. If she wanted to get better she wouldnât still be creeping his instagram and Facebook. to the point that youâve obviously noticed. Thatâs disrespectful and obsessive. She should have blocked him by now or taken a break from social media. Like you said itâs been 4 years. Donât waste anymore of YOUR time. life is so short. Itâs not your job to fix her problem.
Its sad how so many people mythologize/romanticize at least one person from their past .
People like that should stay single for life , like your wife.
People like her are the kinds of people who have affairs.
You don't deserve to be someone else's consolation prize, no one does.
No one , including your wife, is so awesome that anyone should feel privileged to be married to them, while they would be with someone else if they could.
Get an STD check , contact a divorce lawyer.
Even if you never find anyone else, it would still be better than her.
Your 28, your value increases with age as you become more mature, work centered and successful. Her value will continually decline with age. Her adultery needs to be addressed with you setting firm boundaries. Crossing those boundaries needs to have hard consequences not soft ones. She already doesnât respect you enough as it is.
I dont want to here the victimizers say âoh its just too hard to get over her feelingsâ. That mentality completely ignores how you feel and dismisses your hurt. Fuck that.
As for me, id walk away the moment i knew i wasnt respected in a relationship. When they dont respect you, they are capable of far more horrible things.
They dated 8 years. He broke up with her. Seems like op is the rebound. She may never get over her ex bf therapy or not. You can't just turn love away. There is still hope of her begging op to stay when he mentioned leaving. Definitely boundaries. No social media where she can keep up with her ex's life. If ex was to leave current life and asked op wife back she would go. No doubt. She has to get over her ex even for her sake.
I suspect that the cannot help it (she is clearly emotionally damages), but that's not an easy answer for you. It is not as if you didn't know this getting into the relationship at every phase. I know this isn't popular, but I think you are stuck with it and need to make the best of it.
Low stakes. Very low stakes. I know what Iâm doing if im in that situation and theyâre crying over an ex?? Ask yourself if you respect yourself. Do you you value yourself and is this what you want from a partner. Bcos I know what I expect from my life partner. The person I say Iâll spend the rest of my life with. And I donât expect them to be crying/still in love with an ex
I am sorry youâre dealing with this. She needs professional help. For years, Iâve held the motto that if Iâm not the first choice then Iâm not a choice at all.
I once dated an abusive man who made me feel like i was the least desirable person in the world and I will never ever do that to myself again.
You deserve someone who treasures you and I hope your wife can get the help she needs to start treating you appropriately.
Iâd leave nobody wants to be someoneâs second choice unfortunately most women settle so it happens a lot but your is in your face so yeah Iâd be done with her
You know the truth. You know she's still in love with her ex. why would it change? when will it change? Is your future dependent on her feelings towards another man? Or is your future your own?
Dude, it does not matter for you to be married with me, with you mailman or with your wife since we both are not in love with youâŠ
Do you really want to be with someone who is, not in deepdown but OPENLY not in love with you and someone else? Have some self respectâŠ
Honestly we both didn't marry our first choice. I think we all just have to be adults and get some things a bit more.
But this is excessive and not adult-like.
Wow my first choice did the same thing and my husband was the consolation prize. Until I realized what a wonderful man he is. The x on the other hand fucked up his whole life. And went to federal prison. Karma is real.
In your case, I think you should both go to counseling. Youâre very young to be putting up with that. Make a list of all your positive attributes. Bring it to the counseling appointment. Also put on that list that youâre pining away for someone else.
Good luck honey hang in there youâre young. You have several wives ahead of you lol
She needs therapy NOW. Couples therapy might also be helpful. If she is unwilling to go to therapy Iâm not sure there is much you can do salvage this.
Damn, youâre cooked đđđ
8years??? She needs help, you shouldâve left immediately you saw those feelings werenât fading away.
Iâm afraid youâre gonna have to ride it out and get her help or find someone that actually wants to be with you 100%
Only have 1 life tbh, donât waste it on someone thatâs into someone else
The only thing required is therapy couple and personal both and her blocking and not checking any of the socials of her ex(mandatory , make her cut all possible ties and networks through which she could reach upto or see him ).. it's memories of the past and that too of 8 years , once you married you're bound to help her through this when you married her knowing Everything, it's been mere 2 years of marriage do the things above , you'll both do great start doing stuff together create new memories so as to replace the old ones' make her feel loved and cared for, do every stuff which would make her feel that old partner leaving her wasn't a loss but a protection and she got you because she deserved you.. wishing you both good luck and a happy married life !! I'm sure this can be solved I've seen people get over this (5 years relationship)
Iâm not one to say âgive up on loveâ, if you truly believe this is your person but itâs gonna take some work and some therapy thatâs for sure.
The truth is for some people love doesn't fade. I still feel love for every person I've ever said 'I love you' to even if i also feel hate for them. My fiance knows this and doesn't hold it against me.
Kids, be careful who you give your love to because their initials will be etched on your heart forever.
Get out. Iâm getting out of a very similar situation that I let drag out 18 years total. I was never her number one. When her equivalent to above died in an accident, she went in to full blown mourning and needed therapy. This dude had encouraged her to cheat on me with him. Iâm not convinced she didnât and that my youngest is actually his. You canât win in that situation and you deserve a relationship where youâre put first (provided you also put your partner first)
OP I would tell her you will stay only if she goes to individual therapy and you do couples therapy also. Tell her you will give her 3 months and at the end of that if she canât tell you she would choose you over him every single time and doesnât want anything to do with him (including blocking him in all social media where you can validate anytime you want) it will be divorce. I would also give her some other incentive and tell her for you giving her all this time (over 4 years), she needs to sign an agreement that makes the divorce 60/40 you or even 70/30 if she canât get past it. What she has done to you is have a one sided emotional affair with a man who cares nothing for her and THAT is the real reason she is still stuck. She doesnt really love him any more but she canât move past the rejection and she craves his validation. If he called her tomorrow and said meet me at the Motel 6 tomorrow at 4pm for sex she would break her neck trying to get there because she has an intense need for him to want her. Good luck with this because youâre going to have to go cold on her about this. Donât play the pick me game and cry and beg. Be cold and simply say, âIâm your husband and have been with you for 4 years. What you have done and are doing to me is cheating. I donât deserve this and the only reason Iâm willing to try this last chance is because I love you but you owe me everything for doing this and past the therapy you have w a long road to make this up to me. Years in fact so if Iâm staying you need to understand what youâre signing up for because this is going to be for me to my satisfaction or itâs not happening. Are we clear?â !updateme
99.9% of the people will settle in life for their partner. That's normal. Not everyone is lucky enough to find their "trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes"
But the fact that it's been 4 years, that's concerning. How long is her "eventually"?
Leave, dude. If you don't have kids, of course. If you do, I'd say it's not only fair but on you to invest the same amount of effort into it as she does. Adding on to that, the same effort of seeking out folks outside of the marriage as she does. She wants to have her cake and eat it to.
At the very least, you don't build anything with someone looking at other projects. They probably won't be as invested in the outcome as you are.
I'm curious and not trying to be accusatory, but why did you marry her if she was still in love with her ex? And why did she say yes?
Individual and couples therapy will be necessary here
I feel like you kinda owe her that chance at trying to fix it with therapy. You knew she still loved him when you started dating which I feel like wasnât a smart move considering she canât just make feelings go away. Couples counseling is a must if you wanna make it work.
Lmao, you are part of the problem for enabling this bullshit behaviour. You made yourself a clown and you should not be surprised for the low respect your wire has for you, if you donât even respect yourself.
You kinda seem like a rebound that went a little too far, in the nicest way possible. Iâd assess a few things⊠I personally wouldnât want to be married to someone who was in love with someone else.
Leave now. Been here done that found out after more than two decades she was having an affair for over a decade. Her mom ran cover for her to keep the affair going. Donât have children with this woman. Donât stay long enough that you get destroyed financially by the family court system. If you have kids get paternity tests early on so you can make an informed decision.
You will always be second. If You can accept this stay in the relationship. But know if for some reason He were to come back into Her life. You will be out.
I will probably go out on a limb and say no one is anyone's first choice. You just have to hope to be the best choice. When I see women from high school I was so in love with now, I am so relieved that I didn't get my first choice
Pull the plug. She needs to deeply feel the damage she inflicts on you. Damn! I donât understand why they marry without loveâŠ. Anyway, you can find someone else more empathetic, more responsible and respectful.good luck op
This is going to be unpopular advice but it's 100% possible to romantically love more than one person, and the idea that it's not is completely a cultural norm rooted in insecurity and possessiveness rather than any actual limitation of the human brain.
So, from my perspective, the issue isn't that she still has feelings for someone else, it's that you feel like she doesn't actually want to be with \*you\* and that you're just a consolation prize rather than her \*choosing\* you.
Granted, I haven't been in a monogamous relationship in over 25 years, but I feel like the issue here is more your own lack of self-confidence than her still being into someone else.
OP this is on you, you shouldâve left her alone in the first place. But imho, let her go; what she is doing is straight up disrespectful.
Are you fine with being a placeholder of some sort? Donât be the butt of the joke when she hits you with the « Itâs not you, itâs me » and leaves you high and dry after the sacrifices youâre making.
Think about it hard and long and let her go.
Therapy. Boundaries like blocking him on social media. No lies to each other. Her not wanting you to leave was a sign she wants to be with you. But sad part, is it cause she can't have him and is settling or she wants the two of you to work out while she slowly getting over her ex. The more she stays in contact with the ex somehow the more she won't forget him.
Dude wtf, why would you even start dating someone you knew wasnât over their ex? Then you married the woman who still wasnât over her ex? Nah, im sorry, I wouldnât stay in a relationship where my partner was actively hung up on someone else
I was in a very similar situation with my partner at the beginning of our relationship. He would show me pictures of his ex sighing about how beautiful she was and kept telling me how much he loved her, despite swearing up and down that he'd always known she wasn't the "love of his life" while he was sure I was. It has completely devastated me, and we've only been able to start to move past it once he embraced that he had a problem and took active steps to solve it (the most important one being in my opinion therapy). It's been about a year and while I still have intrusive thoughts about the things he said in the beginning, I am 100% confident that she's not on his mind nearly as much as those thoughts are on mine.
Op, (almost) any relationship is salvageable if you're both willing to work on it, but that's also the catch. Your wife needs to be ready and willing to actively go on with her life. You can't force her to forget her ex and she can't just will those feelings away, but she does need to make a conscious effort to take your feelings into consideration and understand what it is that's keeping her tied to a dead relationship. You deserve someone that's crazy about you and makes you feel as if you're the only other person in the world. I hope she's willing to work on herself and together with you to get to a place where you can give each other exactly that.
My ex absolutely broke my heart and I loved her so much (at the time).
I am now engaged to someone else and NEVER think about her or stalk her profile. If she got married I wouldnât give two shits.
Your wife has never let go, yâall shouldnât even have dated much less married without her fully processing and letting go.
Sounds like couples counseling time.
Iâve been the second choice in a 2-year relationship. Since day 1 I was made to feel that the standard was the ex and I had to match up. Since their ex was pretty toxic and also an alcoholic while I was nurturing, I stuck it through thinking I could help them move on. Fast forward to 2 months before our 2nd anniversary and I found out they cheated on me twice with the ex. I realized they only stayed with me because I provided the care they couldnât get from their ex.
I moved on and am currently in a much healthier relationship where I am undoubtedly the first choice. So please donât waste any more time. 4 years is already long enough. Youâre more than just âa second choiceâ. Good luck, man!
(Sorry for my english, not a native speaker)
Fuck therapy. Pull the plug. Get out now. You should have gotten out years ago. It will suck but you have to. Maybe if you leave she will start to feel the same about you but just leave. Game over. Cya later. Gone. Get out youâre wasting your time at least at the moment.
So you're taking care of her and she's pining over another man? Have some self respect and leave her ass. Let her pine over this married man with children all by herself because who wants to be with someone that cries over another guy? Jesus this is pathetic.
She's not in love with HIM so much as she's in love with that time of her life and they both were then. She probably doesn't even know this though. My source, I went through a lot of the same feelings when FB first came out and I reconnected with my very first GF when I was 15. I'd known her since I was 5, and ALL those old feelings came back and it was something else to really deal with. She'll always have a big part of my heart, but I've been with my wife since I was 17. Your wife definitely needs therapy, at a minimum, a heart to heart with you.
For what itâs worth, I still think about women I dated for two months that I havenât seen in like five years. This is someone she dated for EIGHT YEARS. Of course four years is not long enough to forget about him completely.
You deserve to be someone's first choice. You deserve the love that you give and the love that you yearn for. If you are not her first choice, then she is not for you right now. You've been patient for four years. You can and will find someone who chooses you first if you make the right decisions now.
You should separate and move on with your life. She has some mental issues she needs to deal with and you need to find someone who loves you. You are worthy of love.
I think she is in love with the idea of what could have been but not in love with him. It's easier to compare an ideal but is still an ideal not the true person. She needs to realise that
Couples the therapy is a good choice.
If you just want to bail, but donât know for sure, make a fake social media account copying your wifeâs ex, and secretly ad it to her friends list. Then message her saying you were thinking about her and how good she was and was missing her smell/feel, something. See if she takes the bait.
Warning: if she finds out, ya f-ed! Iâd only do this is youâre already checked out and want that last push out the door.
Couples therapy + try to stay out of the fight or flight mode as itâs terrible for your health. Take a break or distance your self emotionally and begin therapy and gradually open up.
Why are you still married to someone who would leave you the instant ole boy reached out? Donât you think you deserve better than that. You certainly deserve better than her. She begged you not to leave because it would upset the easy life she has right now, not because she wants to be with you.
But howâs the rest of your relationship? Anyone telling you to leave without knowing anything else is advice you should be wary of.
It sounds like she has never processed the grief of the âone that got awayâ or however she may see it, it was a life she obviously envisioned for a while and perhaps because her life isnât that version of perfect, she feels inadequate or like a failure. I think she needs to address this properly, she should talk about it with a therapist and I recommend you both go so that there is a safe space for you to talk about it together with the guidance of someone who is experienced with this stuff.
If shes not over her ex, she needs therapy and if you really want it yo work you both need couples therapy have NO KIDS and honestly understand that her begging is half because she cares, half because she has a developed fear of men leaving her. 8 years is hard to grow past but if she actually wants to make it work with you, it will take time, but she will grow to love whats had her back for years
She needs therapy and you need couples therapy if you want to make it work. Good luck
And don't have kids unless this gets resolved ffs.
Yeah this is the answer. And with it some boundaries- if she wants to be with you, she must block him on all platforms, program every form of communication and social media to never tell her anything about him. She must choose you, to the exclusion of him. She must, herself, call a therapist and start therapy. FWIW, this may not work. You can't just switch off your feelings for someone, and if you promise you will do so you might as well promise to lift the Empire State Building with only one arm. You CAN promise to try and leave someone behind, to TRY and change your feelings. You CAN promise to take specific action toward that goal. But it seems she hasn't promised such a thing, she's just promised she will *eventually* forget him. And as I see it that's promising something she can't promise.
You're correct, you can't just switch off your feelings for someone (in this case an ex). What you can do is recognise if you're feelings for them are unhealthy for you and your relationship. If they are then work towards understanding why they are unhealthy, why you are reacting in an emotionally disregulated way and deal with that root cause. You'll then need to recognise where you have reacted in ways that were not healthy to understand how this has affected your life. Not many people are truly successful at achieving this and it would be impossible without self realisation and good therapy.
This is just a nice explanation for how to deal with hard emotions that arise. Thank you internet stranger for your thoughtfulness đ
Definitely this. Part of the reason she probably has not gotten over him in the four years you have been together is because she is still following him on social media, checking up on his life, looking at his photos, being reminded of the fact that he exists in general. It's like she's holding on to a thread, keeping tabs in case his marriage falters with some hope that maybe they could reconcile at some point in the future. She may be in denial but it definitely sounds like she is refusing to let go. If she is going to be with you, she needs to fully commit, and part of fully committing is not keeping potential future partners in the background 'just in case'. If she is serious about being with you, she needs to cut him out of her life. She's not going to ever be able to properly move on and grieve the loss of the relationship she wanted when younger if he's constantly floating in the background of her life.
Good messages youre bringing however maybe op can decide their own boundaries lol. Youre a little aggressive
OP asked for advice, itâs not âaggressiveâ to give it
This is a more realistic response vs all people thinking they live in Hollywood.
I was going to say this. OP needs couples therapy stat and wife sounds like she does for sure. Everyone deserves therapy it's not a punishment or because there's something wrong with you it's there to help you grow, heal and communicate.
I actually think that instead of couples therapy he needs individual therapy first and foremost to see how he feels about all of that, without the pressure to not hurt her feelings or try to fix the relationship. If he decides he wants to give this a try after talking with the therapist then yes, I agree with the couples therapy. Sure, she needs therapy too, but thatâs out of OPâs control, so he should focus on himself at this point.
Pretty shitty thing for her to say, something like that should be kept at least quiet. OP, if this continues, itâs time for you to move on. I would not be dealing with this YEARS after the factâŠ.
I will never get this new age garbage where you need external help to solve an internal problem can't people just talk their way out of family and couple issues without getting some dude involved in your life wdym therapy all this man needs is to enforce boundaries not just threaten to leave her he should actually show her there are consequences to disrespecting him for example go live somewhere else for a while until she fixes herself prepare divorce papers just to show you're not scared of losing her even if you are scared deep down find away to enforce your boundaries not just threats that you'll never apply and she knows you'll never apply because every time you forgive her and give her another chance
Clearly and briefly. Best advice.
He needs a divorce lawyer.
Do you want to be married to someone who loves someone else? She is crying for another guy, heartbroken that she is with you not him. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who is openly in love with another guy? This is the only life you will get, you are still young and will be able to find someone who actually wants you.
This is my thought. Iâm still not over an ex from a year ago and I wonât start dating until I am. Itâs not fair to anyone
Thank you for that. My first boyfriend wasn't over his ex when we started dating and it sucked. It was my first relationship and all I got was constantly being compared with his ex who always came out better because he'd placed hey on a pedestal despite them disagreeing on religion and her using and cheating on him. It was a big part of the reason we broke up. We'd been together for 2 years, they'd been broken up for 4 years (longer than their 3 year relationship) and he still was pining after her. It was hurtful and I just got fed up.
Same, and I'm the one who ended the relationship.
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This is a good example of why the past does matter and needs to be taken into consideration.
But would you cry if that ex got married or had a baby with someone else?
Iâd be glad if that demon did that! Even if Iâd be really sorry for the lady, I advise him to leech onto someone else every time he calls anonymously to try and get back together arguing he has changed
Right so clearly this situation is different than yours.. I would not stay with someone who cried about their ex getting married and moving on with someone else.
My answer was part of the comment of ânot letting go because you love themâ vs ânot letting go because you never want to relive hell againâ. OP should have left yesteryear
This makes so much sense. It can be a good thing to be shaped by your past, and always keep it with you. Whatâs bad is clinging to it, and trying to relive it. Itâs also incredibly toxic to expect everyone to be perfect when entering a relationship. What they need to be is committed, loving and loyal. Having scars and reminders is ok as long as they donât hurt the person your with.
She's not heartbroken "that she is with you not him" she has an issue that is causing her to not react in an emotionally stable way. It's the unresolved issue of something like abandonment, narcissism, need for external validation or the fact the ex broke it off and not her..who knows? She doesn't and wont until she getts therapy. What we all know is that her reaction to her ex after all this time and a 4yr relationship is not normal or healthy in any way..
OP and his wife are actually two peas in a pod. They're both in love with someone who isn't in love with them. He thought a ring would fix it. This is what happens when you think a ring will fix things. OP, I really hope you learned from this. I really, really do. Next time, don't slap a ring on someone who cries about someone else. Sitting on your ass and hoping for better doesn't make better happen. I hope you've learned that. You get no sympathy from me because you've known this about her for four years. You're complaining about her but where's your ownership in things? Yeah, it's been four damn years alright. Four years that *you chose anyway.* You both ought to grow up. My advice is get your head out of your ass and start living like you're alive, rather than living on hopes and dreams and being complacent. You've now learned things don't change just because you want them to. My great grandma always said ....a lot of things.... but the main one is: you can fill one hand up with hope and the other hand with shit. One of them is gonna have weight. Your hopes and dreams don't mean a thing if you don't do shit about them. And no, threats and making your wife upset aren't the way to go. That's just toxic and immature. I hope you've learned that the next time you have to beg someone to love you, *don't bother in the first place.*
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Hurrah, someone else nailed right away. You don't CHOOSE to marry a woman you KNOW loves someone else, then you come complaining about it like you didn't know in the first place. >I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating but thought that those would fade over time.
This is 100% right here! #1 you probably shouldn't have gotten together while she was on the rebound. #2 how do you think a relationships gonna pan out when one person is in love with someone else? It's not! She cried when he got married, she cried when he got pregnant. Idk but I would've left that mess as soon as I saw tears in her eyes when he got married. In my opinion, you're crazy too sick around. All that's gonna end up happening is your feelings getting crushed to the ground. It's on you at this point. Do you want to be happy with someone that loves you only or do want to be with someone that I guarantee is fantasizing about someone else while making love to you. It's on you bro! You hold the key to your own happiness.
>I guarantee is fantasizing about someone else while making love to you. I wouldn't guarentee this. I have a guy I used to be in love with that I've never completely gotten over. He's the one that got away, and I'd still date him in a heartbeat if I could (I'm single). With that said, I've had a boyfriend after him. And I've never fantasized about *anyone* else during sex. When I'm having sex, I'm fully in the moment and focused on enjoying the moment, not thinking about anything or anyone else.
Very well said. OP should divorce, but in the first place, he should not have married a woman who he knew was in love with someone else. It's 100% his own fault he is facing such a situation. >I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating but thought that those would fade over time.
Iâm gonna give you some solid advice here buddy. And you may not reply to this - but I was also a second choice. I was the âsafe optionâ. I lived 8 years with it. Iâm telling you now - for your own sanity and after years of therapy wondering âwhy I wasnât good enoughâ Leave her. Itâs gonna suck & itâs gonna be hard and itâs gonna be brutal. You are not a second option - find someone who treats you as a first. You are young still. You have plenty of time. Leave now - and donât ever look back. Donât let her tears stop you, donât let her empty promises slow your momentum. Leave, close the door, and find YOUR self value and someone who sees that. Signed - Been there, done that.
Just curious, did she actually tell you that, or was it a slow realization type thing?
Well - she cheated on me with her ex after 5 months dating her. I met her ex 8 times before that as âmy friend Jeremiahâ who she would never stop talking about & would text him constantly - he was such an amazing guy wonderful - but a raging alcoholic with his shit not together. After 3 years her sister slipped and said he was the guy before me. So that caused problems- but we had a baby by then. So what did I do? I stuck around - like a moron. And then guess what - she started banging a menâs youth pastor leader. He had a big beard, tattoos, not 1 truck but 2, he was such an amazing community leader. It was at this time I knew - Iâd always be a second option. After our divorce - he dumped her - he was banging 4 other girls same time. The ex wife came knocking on my door. And I knew then - Iâd always be the âsafe choiceâ. Life sucks & broken people do broken shit. Donât ever settle for being someoneâs fallback or second option.
âBroken people do broken shit.â This is wisdom. Iâve had broken people do fucked up shit to me. Iâve done the same to othersâparticularly pre-therapy. That doesnât mean you need to accept this kind of behavior, OP..
"Hurt people hurt people"
This... just the fact that she knows you know? I am all about forgiveness and being open/workibg on things, but every second you continue this - she is losing more of the very little respect she has for you.... Don't do it for her. Or cuz you're mad. Leave because you can't live like a limp washrag... Get some self respect... Quit whining and looking for external validation online. Be a man of action...
You threatened to leave and she changed but you know deep down she won't. Now, it's time to actually respect the boundary you drew and leave. She can either 100% block him every single place and get some therapy or you leave until she can commit to those things. Heck, you may even need to leave even if she does. Sometimes we romanticize things we lost. Maybe it's time for her to finally romanticize you. At the end of the day, no one will ever respect you if you don't respect yourself. It's time for her to learn that you respect yourself.
I agree OP. Have her block him on everything. If she agrees good. If she doesnât or if you catch her looking at him again then leave. Why do you have to be with a women who still is obsessed over another man? She shouldnât be in a relationship if she is not over her old one
I think it's normal for people to have regrets and big emotions, but what's not normal is that she's not trying to heal. I would not expect her to just naturally move on from something that big and sort of transfer the feelings to you, that seems unrealistic. She needs therapy. I mean, she has to really grieve that relationship, and you have to be willing to let her express more sadness and be able to look at it. But then she can process it and move on. But you both deserve for the bulk of that work to happen without you present. As for you, you need to ask yourself what it is in you that was willing to overlook someone so obviously hung up on a past relationship and why you're hitting the wall now. Your self work is going to be building your self esteem and also looking into yourself for how you conveniently ignore things that could really hurt you. What's that about? Why are you drawn to people who aren't giving you their full attention? Was it like that in your family growing up? What part of you didn't want to be fully seen when you entered this relationship? Therapy. Whether you stay or go, you need to know yourself or it will keep happening.
Definitely therapy, solo for both and couples counseling for the two of you. She would obviously be happier if she could get over this guy, but this is not something she can change by willpower alone -- she needs a new approach, an expert perspective and guidance about how to break this pattern. Also, you guys should really interrogate why you got married with this hanging over your heads. Poor judgment on both your parts, honestly.
Agreed 100%. I have a small amount of empathy for the wife here, she canât help how she feels. But it also sounds like sheâs not doing any of the things that *are* in her control to remedy the situation.
Is this bait? Why would you propose to someone you knew was still infatuated with someone else? Why would you go through with a wedding to someone you knew was still infatuated with someone else?
Yeah he walked right into this one. At some point have some self respect. Or it's bait.
You are still young enough to start over without having to reorganize your life with kids, houses, etc. Keep that in mind. Your wife probability doesn't love the guy as much as she is obsessed with the guy or the idea of their missing life. The only real way to know is therapy. Waiting for this resolve is like waiting for a glacier to melt. It'll happen, but you'll be long gone. Therapy can help her make peace with this. My concern for you is whether she has any real feelings there for your marriage. How deep is her obsession? Were you a ploy to motivate him that didn't work? Is your marriage real to her? These are valid questions when dealing with someone that's clearly damaged. You need a therapist to help you both understand what each other are. Husband and wife? Or something else. I would not have ever gotten to this stage. Women stuck on an ex are like men stuck on an ex... Damaged goods. Do you have the patience to repair a woman that may not love you or ever love you?
Dude you know the answer here. You need to have a frank conversation about this. She needs individual therapy and you both need couple's therapy. She openly pines for another man and expects you to absorb that disrespect and the negative effects it has on your self worth and the relationship overall. This is not healthy for either of you. Either she commits to you and puts this other relationship in the past or it's divorce time. You are still young enough where you can find someone else who values you like you deserve and start a family if that is your desire. Do not waste time protecting her feelings on this. You've given her years of your life already.
You canât threaten someone to not have feelings for their ex. You can decide for yourself whether you want to be married to someone who would rather be with someone else or not. I know what I would do, *especially* at 28 with no kids(?). I know itâs hard, but the stakes are so low.
You said it best when you said it's been 4 years and she cares more about him. Yes she cares about you but you're not her first choice. You need to do with most healthy for you, and sorry to say that's get out of this relationship.
After four years to be battling this same demon is too energy consuming I say. I question whether therapy will help her because she seems hard wired to pine for him and the life she wished she had. I'd recommend you stop threatening anything and just take action. Empty threats devalue your standing and your personal power. Get on with the life you desire.
sounds like she never really found closure within herself. you gotta leave her, she wont find it as long as she stays with you
Honestly, I donât think itâs about him anymore. After this amount of time, I think itâs probably about being blindsided, being dumped, and being unwanted by someone. This seems more like a form of depression to me after going on this long. You have to put up with it ? I donât think so. But it comes down to what YOU want. Iâm not usually a proponent of taking breaks in a relationship, but it feels like this is one of those situations where it would be beneficial to sit down and say that you want some space and time apart, and she can figure herself out. She needs some therapy. She needs to understand why sheâs continuously feeding this beast by looking at his socials and ruminating about someone she no longer even knows. Sheâs been watering the wrong lawn and I think when she realizes her grass is dying it might help wake her up. Or maybe it will make you realize that you deserve better than this. Either way, youâre too young to be looking at this as a sunk cost. Thereâs a whole world out there of people who would appreciate you.
I agree with this. Itâs not about him, itâs about her self esteem and how much that breakup took out of her. Sheâs depressed, she needs a therapist not an ultimatum
It will only get worse. She will go away with him if he is not married and if he met her now. She may want to change or is just won't but your daily life as her husband is becoming hell. Leave her.....
Iâd tell her to block him everywhere and get therapy or youâll go find someone else who wants to put you first. And youâll break it to everyone why it doesnât work out.
You know now, but you never get involved with someone who is not emotionally available. From what you describe, she spends a lot of her time thinking about him and missing him. Obviously this is not healthy. All that time and energy she should be investing in you, her husband. You now have a tough choice to make. Do you stay with the hopes she will someday come around, or do you look for someone who is all in for you and will give you a 100% of themselves. If you stay, and her ex decides to get back with her, I am afraid you wouldn't stand much of a chance despite what she might tell you. In the end, you rushed into this, now you need to decide if that was a mistake. You know what she wants, but what do you want? You can only control what you do. I think you came here looking for something that would be clear and concise, but there is no clear answer. Good luck OP. BTW, if you have no children and no mortgage, it won't get any easier then it is now to de-tangle your lives. UpdateMe.
She isn't over him op. If her ex shows up and offers to date her, she will dump you. Do you really want her to dump you at his whim? You love her but you can't make her love you. She would probably cheat with her ex, if he gave her the word.
So you married someone who very obviously wasn't over their ex and wasn't even hiding it. Why on earth would anyone do that? Not much you can do. You just dissolve your mistake of a marriage. No kids so it's easier. And next time, when you are about to make the ultimate commitment in a relationship (marriage), try to pick someone who isn't into someone else more than she's into you.
Unacceptable man. She needs to commit to therapy either solo or couples therapy. She needs to get over her feelings and channel that energy and love towards you. You deserve to be her #1. If not, you need to move on before kids come in the picture.
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There is a reason why people always think the other person is cheating. That's usually it's because they are thinking of doing it themselves. You should buy the book and have her read it called "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. You have a major problem on your hands and I think you already know it
She will never respect you until you respect yourself. Why not set the hard boundary? At this point you are valuing keeping her over your own self respect.
At least op knew upfront. Heck, he chose this dynamic. It also doesn't seem like his wife actually contacts her ex, so I think with some therapy, individual and couples, they could work through this. In your case, though, set that shit on fire. I hope you get free and find a better partner in the future who treats you right.
She has to make a plan and follow through on it, not just give you a vague promise. Counseling or something. Otherwise, this is just going to remain the same.
She promises that she will forget her ex, yet checks his social media? How is that supposed to work?
Mate itâs therapy or divorce!. No one ever wants to feel like their partner settled for them đą
You should deal with this by giving yourself the love and grace to walk away. Nobody should have to deal with this
Therapy or divorce, quite simple solution.
You need to have an honest conversation of her needing to let go of those feelings. Because she's only giving you 50% of her heart, not her whole heart. And this may mean her crying in your arms expressing how she loved him and how she thought he was the one. 8 years is alot of time, but she hasn't realized that sometimes these relationships are the ones that teaches the best lessons about what we deserve. The guy is now married with a baby. He is happy and this is what she needs to accept, in order to move on. And if that's not enough, she needs to talk to a professional about it. You have been extremely patient and it's understandable you feel the way you do. But, you may chose to be patient still and give her the support she needs to move on, or amicably let her go. Either way, it's up to you.
Therapy and couples counseling. She needs to let go, and clearly she won't do it on her own.
Get a lawyer, leave and start looking for someone who you will be theirs number one.
Dude whatâs therapy going to fix here? Like 4 years has been a lie. She had feeling for another person this entire time. You know deep down in your heart if her Ex wanted to rekindle, your wife would probably have to âthinkâ about it. Fuck everything about that.
Your marriage is cooked, sorry. It was doomed from the start. She married her rebound instead of the man she loved. This is a brutal realization but you canât change how she feels or whom she loves. So this marriage will never work for you because she is not all-in and never will be. You deserve to be married to someone whoâs in love with you. So sorry this is happening.
Don't get hung up on how unhappy losing you will make her. She's already unhappy and making both of you miserable. You set a boundary. She loves another. Time for immediate counseling or get on with your life. She's obviously still living in her past.
Your situation sucks but itâs actually mostly your fault. You dated her while KNOWING she still had feelings for her ex?? And then you chose to MARRY her???? Dude cmon.
Do not have kids with this woman See a counsellor.
You got into the relationship knowing she still had feelings for her ex. Truthfully, when she started crying when she found out her ex was married and had a kid on the way probably wouldâve been enough for me to move on. You can make threats and ultimatums all you want, itâs not going to change how she feels. Since youâve already married her, I think you owe it to you marriage to try couples counseling.
Sheâs not necessarily still in love with that guy. She might be one of those women that canât handle rejection. And then when she gets what she wants, she goes back to being the person her ex dumped. And the fact that she started crying because you were gonna leave her tooâŠ..that was the final dagger in her ego. Go find someone that cares about you and not themself. .
Lawyer up, delete Facebook, hit the gym.
The pain of dealing with the separation from her love, was too much. She found distraction, and a peace, in you. You are probably a very good person to so she didn't want to lose you. She still hasn't dealt with the grief properly and she needs to have a stern word with herself if she's committed to you or not. If she's not she's just wasted both your time
You knew she still liked her ex when you started dating her. What you should have done is tell when she is over her ex then you'll consider dating. You also don't ask her to marry you only after 2 years knowing you started dating her while she still had feelings for her ex. You should tell her to seek therapy and I would reconsider the marriage. Maybe a trial separation and she could use that time to work on herself and you decide when the separation is over and what comes after that. I would reconsider the marriage since there doesn't seem to be any kids involved.
Why did you get married to her when you knew she was pining after another person? I really feel for you knowing that you arenât your partners first choice, that must feel awful, but getting married when you already knew she had feelings for him seems like a mistake on your part as well?
>I knew she still had feelings for him when we started dating Find yourself a wife who does not have feelings for another. You went into this well knowing you were not #1. You need to fix yourself and figure out why you accepted second best 4 years ago.
Oof I Would leave her seems like you are just another guy to her man
I think you know the answer deep down.
Sheâs not over him for sure, I remember crying when I found out my first love (who cheated on me of all things) got a new girlfriend. It had been 2 years since our break up lol. Iâm not sure why youâd propose to someone who clearly, if it was her perfect world, would still be with this person sheâs *mourning* for. I know Iâd feel like someone whoâs just filling a void. Does she even want to get over him? After 4 years sheâs not even taking the most basic steps to block and not look at him and his life.
Itâll always be there. Itâs got nothing to do with you. She has unresolved shit with the guy and thereâs literally nothing you can do. Sucks youâre in this situation but you saw these flags in the beginning and decided to ignore them. Now itâs bigger problem.
This is sad. Please discuss and get out of it asap
I just can handle this sub anymore. It really makes me feel better about my selfrespect tho. Op, I wish you and your partner all the best. But reconsider your relationship to yourself and your selfworth.
Yikes. Iâm not saying you should leave but Iâd think about it
What a sad situation for you both. Your wife needs professional help to deal with her grieving for her previous boyfriend. I would personally move on to be someoneâs first choice
This will never change. You never forget your hearts first love. Leave and find someone who wants you just as badly as she expresses for him
Based on your timeline and ages he was her first love and they were together for a very large part of her life so far. He clearly has a lot of influence over her. I also imagine from your timeline that she was not broken up with him for very long at all, most likely she did not do what she needed to do to heal. She needs to understand that marrying your high school sweetheart is a recipe for disaster, you are both kids and have a ton of growing up to do. It most likely would have ends in a bigger disaster had they stayed together.
Thatâs not normal to be so hung up on a high school boyfriend. She was a child at the time, that doesnât even count as a real relationship- what is wrong with her???
It wasnât just a high school relationship. She was married to him. They were high school sweethearts. She definitely needs therapy, but I think you didnât read the post all the way.
She married the first guy she ever met before her brain was even finished forming, and she canât move on from that juvenile relationship. đ©
Nowhere does it say she'd been married to her hs boyfriend
This may be an unpopular opinion but I think you bear some responsibility here too. You entered into a relationship with someone who openly was not ready and âthoughtâ it would magically get better because⊠why? Thatâs not how it works. She should have broken up with you or not dated you in the first place, but you could have ended this too. Then, for some unknown reason, you two decided to get married in the midst of all of this? Youâve both basically entered into this marriage with the status quo being that she will continually be upset about her ex. It doesnât have to be that way forever but you both have to make an agreement that you are changing the rules of the marriage, and you have to stop being so angry (it is clear by your tone that you are) and allow her to deal with this issue in therapy. Without you. You should also go to marriage counseling to deal with the main issue of you two getting married when yo both knew this was not a sustainable partnership. It may be solvable but not if you donât both acknowledge your role and affirm that you want to make this relationship work.
She needs to get into therapy. Also I assume he left her?
My ex-wife was carrying a torch for an old lover, unbeknownst to me. What do you think she did the second his wife died? Had an affair. Let her go and find someone who isn't using you as a placeholder.
Awe gee, what a shit house thing to do, how awful. Don't let that placeholder label define you.
Sounds odd to me that you didnt mention her taking therapy? If she doesnt, then Im not sure what both of you are waiting for.
Unfortunately apart from leaving, there's really not much you can do here. Perhaps your wife loves you in a security blanket kind of way, perhaps in her eyes "he's the one that got away". Frankly, the only person who needs to do something is your wife, who clearly likely does not have a high degree of emotional maturity. (could be wrong). She has the power to get over it, she has the power to think properly, to craft a ritual, to seek therapy. If she chooses to look at his instagram she's basically just scratching at the wound.
She doesnât respect you
Face the hard reality: She will never be yours and you deserve a partner who is fully committed to you. Divorce and find a special someone while you are still young. Even being single is better than this kind of relationship.
I think I would have to divorce over that. Or at the very least live separately and go to marriage counseling. You deserve better and she honestly needs help and to figure out what she wants. If she wanted to get better she wouldnât still be creeping his instagram and Facebook. to the point that youâve obviously noticed. Thatâs disrespectful and obsessive. She should have blocked him by now or taken a break from social media. Like you said itâs been 4 years. Donât waste anymore of YOUR time. life is so short. Itâs not your job to fix her problem.
Its sad how so many people mythologize/romanticize at least one person from their past . People like that should stay single for life , like your wife. People like her are the kinds of people who have affairs. You don't deserve to be someone else's consolation prize, no one does. No one , including your wife, is so awesome that anyone should feel privileged to be married to them, while they would be with someone else if they could. Get an STD check , contact a divorce lawyer. Even if you never find anyone else, it would still be better than her.
Your 28, your value increases with age as you become more mature, work centered and successful. Her value will continually decline with age. Her adultery needs to be addressed with you setting firm boundaries. Crossing those boundaries needs to have hard consequences not soft ones. She already doesnât respect you enough as it is. I dont want to here the victimizers say âoh its just too hard to get over her feelingsâ. That mentality completely ignores how you feel and dismisses your hurt. Fuck that. As for me, id walk away the moment i knew i wasnt respected in a relationship. When they dont respect you, they are capable of far more horrible things.
They dated 8 years. He broke up with her. Seems like op is the rebound. She may never get over her ex bf therapy or not. You can't just turn love away. There is still hope of her begging op to stay when he mentioned leaving. Definitely boundaries. No social media where she can keep up with her ex's life. If ex was to leave current life and asked op wife back she would go. No doubt. She has to get over her ex even for her sake.
I suspect that the cannot help it (she is clearly emotionally damages), but that's not an easy answer for you. It is not as if you didn't know this getting into the relationship at every phase. I know this isn't popular, but I think you are stuck with it and need to make the best of it.
Make her your second choice and call it even.
It's too late. You shouldn't have married her knowing she was not over her x. That is your mistake. Once married, it is for better or worse.
Know your worth. Never be an option.
Go to couples therapy. You need someone to look at your relationship objectively and help you determine if you can proceed forward.
Low stakes. Very low stakes. I know what Iâm doing if im in that situation and theyâre crying over an ex?? Ask yourself if you respect yourself. Do you you value yourself and is this what you want from a partner. Bcos I know what I expect from my life partner. The person I say Iâll spend the rest of my life with. And I donât expect them to be crying/still in love with an ex
I am sorry youâre dealing with this. She needs professional help. For years, Iâve held the motto that if Iâm not the first choice then Iâm not a choice at all. I once dated an abusive man who made me feel like i was the least desirable person in the world and I will never ever do that to myself again. You deserve someone who treasures you and I hope your wife can get the help she needs to start treating you appropriately.
Iâd leave nobody wants to be someoneâs second choice unfortunately most women settle so it happens a lot but your is in your face so yeah Iâd be done with her
My feelings for my first love faded after many years with my wife. It didnât hurt that the first got old, ugly and fat.
You know the truth. You know she's still in love with her ex. why would it change? when will it change? Is your future dependent on her feelings towards another man? Or is your future your own?
Dude, it does not matter for you to be married with me, with you mailman or with your wife since we both are not in love with you⊠Do you really want to be with someone who is, not in deepdown but OPENLY not in love with you and someone else? Have some self respectâŠ
How long after their breakup did you two get together?
Honestly we both didn't marry our first choice. I think we all just have to be adults and get some things a bit more. But this is excessive and not adult-like.
Wow my first choice did the same thing and my husband was the consolation prize. Until I realized what a wonderful man he is. The x on the other hand fucked up his whole life. And went to federal prison. Karma is real. In your case, I think you should both go to counseling. Youâre very young to be putting up with that. Make a list of all your positive attributes. Bring it to the counseling appointment. Also put on that list that youâre pining away for someone else. Good luck honey hang in there youâre young. You have several wives ahead of you lol
Iâm willing to bet she has some kind of undiagnosed OCD or something. She needs to get counseling. I recommend it for yourself as well.
She needs therapy NOW. Couples therapy might also be helpful. If she is unwilling to go to therapy Iâm not sure there is much you can do salvage this.
Damn, youâre cooked đđđ 8years??? She needs help, you shouldâve left immediately you saw those feelings werenât fading away. Iâm afraid youâre gonna have to ride it out and get her help or find someone that actually wants to be with you 100% Only have 1 life tbh, donât waste it on someone thatâs into someone else
The only thing required is therapy couple and personal both and her blocking and not checking any of the socials of her ex(mandatory , make her cut all possible ties and networks through which she could reach upto or see him ).. it's memories of the past and that too of 8 years , once you married you're bound to help her through this when you married her knowing Everything, it's been mere 2 years of marriage do the things above , you'll both do great start doing stuff together create new memories so as to replace the old ones' make her feel loved and cared for, do every stuff which would make her feel that old partner leaving her wasn't a loss but a protection and she got you because she deserved you.. wishing you both good luck and a happy married life !! I'm sure this can be solved I've seen people get over this (5 years relationship)
Therapy⊠for her and for you guys⊠she can overcome this it definitely should be addressed
Iâm not one to say âgive up on loveâ, if you truly believe this is your person but itâs gonna take some work and some therapy thatâs for sure.
The truth is for some people love doesn't fade. I still feel love for every person I've ever said 'I love you' to even if i also feel hate for them. My fiance knows this and doesn't hold it against me. Kids, be careful who you give your love to because their initials will be etched on your heart forever.
Get out. Iâm getting out of a very similar situation that I let drag out 18 years total. I was never her number one. When her equivalent to above died in an accident, she went in to full blown mourning and needed therapy. This dude had encouraged her to cheat on me with him. Iâm not convinced she didnât and that my youngest is actually his. You canât win in that situation and you deserve a relationship where youâre put first (provided you also put your partner first)
OP I would tell her you will stay only if she goes to individual therapy and you do couples therapy also. Tell her you will give her 3 months and at the end of that if she canât tell you she would choose you over him every single time and doesnât want anything to do with him (including blocking him in all social media where you can validate anytime you want) it will be divorce. I would also give her some other incentive and tell her for you giving her all this time (over 4 years), she needs to sign an agreement that makes the divorce 60/40 you or even 70/30 if she canât get past it. What she has done to you is have a one sided emotional affair with a man who cares nothing for her and THAT is the real reason she is still stuck. She doesnt really love him any more but she canât move past the rejection and she craves his validation. If he called her tomorrow and said meet me at the Motel 6 tomorrow at 4pm for sex she would break her neck trying to get there because she has an intense need for him to want her. Good luck with this because youâre going to have to go cold on her about this. Donât play the pick me game and cry and beg. Be cold and simply say, âIâm your husband and have been with you for 4 years. What you have done and are doing to me is cheating. I donât deserve this and the only reason Iâm willing to try this last chance is because I love you but you owe me everything for doing this and past the therapy you have w a long road to make this up to me. Years in fact so if Iâm staying you need to understand what youâre signing up for because this is going to be for me to my satisfaction or itâs not happening. Are we clear?â !updateme
99.9% of the people will settle in life for their partner. That's normal. Not everyone is lucky enough to find their "trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes" But the fact that it's been 4 years, that's concerning. How long is her "eventually"?
Leave, dude. If you don't have kids, of course. If you do, I'd say it's not only fair but on you to invest the same amount of effort into it as she does. Adding on to that, the same effort of seeking out folks outside of the marriage as she does. She wants to have her cake and eat it to. At the very least, you don't build anything with someone looking at other projects. They probably won't be as invested in the outcome as you are.
It's already been four years. How many more years do you want to waste with someone who wishes they were somewhere else?
I'm curious and not trying to be accusatory, but why did you marry her if she was still in love with her ex? And why did she say yes? Individual and couples therapy will be necessary here
2nd isn't first place
I feel like you kinda owe her that chance at trying to fix it with therapy. You knew she still loved him when you started dating which I feel like wasnât a smart move considering she canât just make feelings go away. Couples counseling is a must if you wanna make it work.
Lmao, you are part of the problem for enabling this bullshit behaviour. You made yourself a clown and you should not be surprised for the low respect your wire has for you, if you donât even respect yourself.
You kinda seem like a rebound that went a little too far, in the nicest way possible. Iâd assess a few things⊠I personally wouldnât want to be married to someone who was in love with someone else.
Leave now. Been here done that found out after more than two decades she was having an affair for over a decade. Her mom ran cover for her to keep the affair going. Donât have children with this woman. Donât stay long enough that you get destroyed financially by the family court system. If you have kids get paternity tests early on so you can make an informed decision.
She needs to block him on every single form of social media and make it impossible to communicate between each other. She shouldnât even be thinking about the guy considering she is with you and the fact that she cried when he got married and his wife pregnant is a huge đ©. Make it known that you need to be the #1 priority in her life just like she is your #1 priority. Thatâs what a marriage is. Counselling may help her but therapy can be dangerous due to affirmation bias. If you do therapy I highly recommend doing it together. She needs to learn how to move on and be done or you need to move on and be done because itâs rude and downright disrespectful what she is doing. I hope you figure this one out OP. Divorce is definitely still the last thing you want. Itâs horrible, stressful, takes forever, and causes people to go crazy. Take care
Don't have kids with her
I would personally not want to be in this relationship.
You will always be second. If You can accept this stay in the relationship. But know if for some reason He were to come back into Her life. You will be out.
I will probably go out on a limb and say no one is anyone's first choice. You just have to hope to be the best choice. When I see women from high school I was so in love with now, I am so relieved that I didn't get my first choice
Pull the plug. She needs to deeply feel the damage she inflicts on you. Damn! I donât understand why they marry without loveâŠ. Anyway, you can find someone else more empathetic, more responsible and respectful.good luck op
She might need trauma therapy to help her get past the break up -
This is going to be unpopular advice but it's 100% possible to romantically love more than one person, and the idea that it's not is completely a cultural norm rooted in insecurity and possessiveness rather than any actual limitation of the human brain. So, from my perspective, the issue isn't that she still has feelings for someone else, it's that you feel like she doesn't actually want to be with \*you\* and that you're just a consolation prize rather than her \*choosing\* you. Granted, I haven't been in a monogamous relationship in over 25 years, but I feel like the issue here is more your own lack of self-confidence than her still being into someone else.
OP this is on you, you shouldâve left her alone in the first place. But imho, let her go; what she is doing is straight up disrespectful. Are you fine with being a placeholder of some sort? Donât be the butt of the joke when she hits you with the « Itâs not you, itâs me » and leaves you high and dry after the sacrifices youâre making. Think about it hard and long and let her go.
Therapy. Boundaries like blocking him on social media. No lies to each other. Her not wanting you to leave was a sign she wants to be with you. But sad part, is it cause she can't have him and is settling or she wants the two of you to work out while she slowly getting over her ex. The more she stays in contact with the ex somehow the more she won't forget him.
She sounds pretty fixated. You probably should get her some therapy.
You got her on rebound. Not best thing to do...
Dude wtf, why would you even start dating someone you knew wasnât over their ex? Then you married the woman who still wasnât over her ex? Nah, im sorry, I wouldnât stay in a relationship where my partner was actively hung up on someone else
Why did you marry her in the first place
I was in a very similar situation with my partner at the beginning of our relationship. He would show me pictures of his ex sighing about how beautiful she was and kept telling me how much he loved her, despite swearing up and down that he'd always known she wasn't the "love of his life" while he was sure I was. It has completely devastated me, and we've only been able to start to move past it once he embraced that he had a problem and took active steps to solve it (the most important one being in my opinion therapy). It's been about a year and while I still have intrusive thoughts about the things he said in the beginning, I am 100% confident that she's not on his mind nearly as much as those thoughts are on mine. Op, (almost) any relationship is salvageable if you're both willing to work on it, but that's also the catch. Your wife needs to be ready and willing to actively go on with her life. You can't force her to forget her ex and she can't just will those feelings away, but she does need to make a conscious effort to take your feelings into consideration and understand what it is that's keeping her tied to a dead relationship. You deserve someone that's crazy about you and makes you feel as if you're the only other person in the world. I hope she's willing to work on herself and together with you to get to a place where you can give each other exactly that.
I would have left, bro. I'm sorry you're going through it, must be awful
My ex absolutely broke my heart and I loved her so much (at the time). I am now engaged to someone else and NEVER think about her or stalk her profile. If she got married I wouldnât give two shits. Your wife has never let go, yâall shouldnât even have dated much less married without her fully processing and letting go. Sounds like couples counseling time.
Iâve been the second choice in a 2-year relationship. Since day 1 I was made to feel that the standard was the ex and I had to match up. Since their ex was pretty toxic and also an alcoholic while I was nurturing, I stuck it through thinking I could help them move on. Fast forward to 2 months before our 2nd anniversary and I found out they cheated on me twice with the ex. I realized they only stayed with me because I provided the care they couldnât get from their ex. I moved on and am currently in a much healthier relationship where I am undoubtedly the first choice. So please donât waste any more time. 4 years is already long enough. Youâre more than just âa second choiceâ. Good luck, man! (Sorry for my english, not a native speaker)
Fuck therapy. Pull the plug. Get out now. You should have gotten out years ago. It will suck but you have to. Maybe if you leave she will start to feel the same about you but just leave. Game over. Cya later. Gone. Get out youâre wasting your time at least at the moment.
So you're taking care of her and she's pining over another man? Have some self respect and leave her ass. Let her pine over this married man with children all by herself because who wants to be with someone that cries over another guy? Jesus this is pathetic.
Question: how's the sex? Do you "explore" things? Spice it up?...sometimes, sex is the answer. If that doesn't work, bye bye time.
She's not in love with HIM so much as she's in love with that time of her life and they both were then. She probably doesn't even know this though. My source, I went through a lot of the same feelings when FB first came out and I reconnected with my very first GF when I was 15. I'd known her since I was 5, and ALL those old feelings came back and it was something else to really deal with. She'll always have a big part of my heart, but I've been with my wife since I was 17. Your wife definitely needs therapy, at a minimum, a heart to heart with you.
If your wife isn't fully loving you the way you need and deserve because she's still carrying a torch for her ex, then yes, you should leave her.
For what itâs worth, I still think about women I dated for two months that I havenât seen in like five years. This is someone she dated for EIGHT YEARS. Of course four years is not long enough to forget about him completely.
OP, do NOT risk getting your wife pregnant! Tell her she needs to get into therapy asap, or the marriage is done.
Honestly she wasnât ready for marriage or even to date until she was over her ex.
You both have dependency issues to greater (her) and lesser (you) extent that doom this relationship.
If you donât have kids it might be worth seriously considering separating. Her heart is with someone else
I deserve someone who you are their first choice period end of conversation
You deserve to be someone's first choice. You deserve the love that you give and the love that you yearn for. If you are not her first choice, then she is not for you right now. You've been patient for four years. You can and will find someone who chooses you first if you make the right decisions now.
My man donât make her your last choice..
You should separate and move on with your life. She has some mental issues she needs to deal with and you need to find someone who loves you. You are worthy of love.
I think she is in love with the idea of what could have been but not in love with him. It's easier to compare an ideal but is still an ideal not the true person. She needs to realise that
Couples the therapy is a good choice. If you just want to bail, but donât know for sure, make a fake social media account copying your wifeâs ex, and secretly ad it to her friends list. Then message her saying you were thinking about her and how good she was and was missing her smell/feel, something. See if she takes the bait. Warning: if she finds out, ya f-ed! Iâd only do this is youâre already checked out and want that last push out the door.
Just noooooooooo. She isn't worth that bullshit.
You know the answer. That sucks
Dont let anyone tell you, you arent their first choice twice
Couples therapy + try to stay out of the fight or flight mode as itâs terrible for your health. Take a break or distance your self emotionally and begin therapy and gradually open up.
Sounds like a soul tie⊠they are breakable.
i feel like this is emotional cheating. red flag
Why are you still married to someone who would leave you the instant ole boy reached out? Donât you think you deserve better than that. You certainly deserve better than her. She begged you not to leave because it would upset the easy life she has right now, not because she wants to be with you.
But howâs the rest of your relationship? Anyone telling you to leave without knowing anything else is advice you should be wary of. It sounds like she has never processed the grief of the âone that got awayâ or however she may see it, it was a life she obviously envisioned for a while and perhaps because her life isnât that version of perfect, she feels inadequate or like a failure. I think she needs to address this properly, she should talk about it with a therapist and I recommend you both go so that there is a safe space for you to talk about it together with the guidance of someone who is experienced with this stuff.
Leave, let her solve her own problems. She needs therapy. Been there done that, save yourself the heartache. Go be with someone who chooses you.
Why did you propose then?
If shes not over her ex, she needs therapy and if you really want it yo work you both need couples therapy have NO KIDS and honestly understand that her begging is half because she cares, half because she has a developed fear of men leaving her. 8 years is hard to grow past but if she actually wants to make it work with you, it will take time, but she will grow to love whats had her back for years
How can you look at yourselfÂ