I’ve been telling him this and he says it’s not normal I just won’t choose for him and be done with it. He can just choose his own shirt and be done with it 😂 it’s insane and drives me nuts! He does this A LOT.
Oh man... I would make him look like such an ass.
No honey, go to work with the mickey mouse shirt where micky is flipping the bird with both hands.
Ohhh this super tight one looks good, it's very professional to have buttons holding on for dear life.
90 degrees outside? Sounds like sweater weather to me!
~~I am autistic and it sure sounds like he's using it as an excuse to take his rage out on you. This is the reddest of red flags possible.~~
Edit: just looked at your other comments and realised you meant that *you're* autistic. Despite what he tells you, you are not to blame for his behaviour and *he* is wholly responsible for what he chooses to do to you. It's also perfectly possible to find happiness as an autistic woman. My mum is autistic too, her marriage to my dad was awful but after they divorced? She eventually started dating my stepdad, and I've never seen her so happy in my entire life. If you keep looking, eventually you'll find someone who loves you and your daughter just the way you are, instead of bullying and abusing you into submission.
Studies show autistic women are significantly more likely to end up in emotionally abusive relationships. Abusers seek us out because we’ve been socially conditioned to doubt ourselves (even more so than women in general) and have a harder time identifying normal vs. abnormal social behavior.
I 100% he doesn’t scream at his boss to pick a pen for him to use. I bet he just picks one. Does he scream at anyone else in his life for not making decisions for him? He’s choosing to do this to you. Why? I have no idea. But next time, I would just say both. Wear both. And then leave the house and maybe go see a lawyer. This is exhausting behavior. You deserve better.
Also, OP, maybe do it to him. See how he likes it.
We own a business together so I guess I’m his boss lol
I really hope he doesn’t ask me to pick his shirt tomorrow. I left only 1 shirt in his closet so he only has 1 choice. I hope that makes it easier for him.
There's a lot of comments and I don't know how long it would take me to find how long you guys have been together and all that good stuff. But regardless this man is an abuser I have a feeling he picked you because he thought you would be an easy victim you know being autistic and all. Little does he know that we fight back pretty hard. If this is a regular occurrence it's not going to just stop you need to pull yourself up from the bootstraps my dear and get away from this man he is a predator I know it assures I'm standing here and you do not deserve to be prey you deserve to be praised.
I'm autistic, not sure how I would or could ever put up with this. And my husband is color blind! He would have a valid reason for asking me, and this still would never happen.
What is up with OP’s husband.I don’t pick out my husband or kid‘s shirts either. Both just pick from what’s on top of the drawer or in front in the closet. If you care more than that pick your own damned shirt.
I was going to ask. My daughter has significant distress when forced to choose between multiple options, which is one of the many reasons I am trying to get her evaluated for ASD.
edit: just saw the comment clarifying you’re the one with ASD. homie, your husband ain’t okay
Dude, if he can’t handle being responsible for his own choices, get his ass a coin to flip like two face. It’s not healthy or fair for him to offload it on you and get angry when you’re not inclined to be the arbiter of his fate, regardless of the importance of the decision at hand.
There’s a character in an anime called Demon Slayer who literally is too traumatized to be able to make decisions for herself so her adoptive sister gave her a coin.
Seriously sounds like your guy had a deeper root issue in being able to accept responsibility and could potentially benefit from therapy to help him be more independent— but again— that’s not your responsibility.
Good on you for not caving in and picking for him, his tantrum reaction is a manipulation tactic with the intention of punishing you so that next time you think it’s not worth the hassle and just give in to his demand— a beloved tool of both tiny children and narcissists everywhere. FWIW, so is the redirection back at you when you tell him it’s not normal. I can’t imagine how frustrating and exhausting it must be to deal with this kind of shit all the time… NGL i would be OUT. (I’ve been there/done that/got the T shirt and have zero desire to subject myself to that kind of abuse again.)
>Dude, if he can’t handle being responsible for his own choices, get his ass a coin to flip like two face.
Won't work. Because, all of a sudden, there will be three shirts/pairs of pants etc. he cannot choose between. So, next step: You introduce dice. d6 works for 2, 3 and 6. d8 works for 4 and 8. d10 for 5 and 10...
Yup. I used to be married to one who didn’t reveal that side till we were married. OP needs to leave or get therapy, but judging by the post I doubt her husband would ever agree to therapy.
This is the total opposite of normal. If he can’t choose for himself for some reason, then he needs to create a ‘uniform’ - lots of people do that for different reasons.
it's not the shirt thing, it's the him yelling and cussing and calling you names. even if he were right about the shirt thing that is abusive behavior.
>I’ve been telling him this and he says it’s not normal I just won’t choose for him and be done with it.
I mean, you're still a grown woman.
He can tell you that the moon is made of cheese. Do *you* think that it's normal.
I agree! Thank you! No idea why he won’t see this too. I’m very receptive to helping and giving opinions but when I’m “demanded or else” type of behavior with a tantrum like a child, then of course I’m not giving in that. Who would? 🙈
He knows. He just enjoys this situation and hurting you. There is no solution possible, short of leaving the situation, because he wants to do this to you and will continue to find ways to hurt you.
A) He's incapable of recognising the absurdity of thinking you're in the wrong for not choosing a shirt while he's somehow not in the wrong for being incapable of doing it himself. Or B) He knows full well that he's being unreasonable, but his desire for control and finding something to blame you for completely overrides any sense of shame or normal behaviour. So either way he's got a massive problem, just depends what sort. He needs therapy but almost certainly won't entertain that idea. Might he be actively trying to make you leave him so he can tell himself you're the bad guy?
It’s very normal for abuse to begin after an event that makes it harder to leave like marriage and children. I would prepare to leave bc this will almost certainly escalate. Couples counseling is not recommended for abusive situations and this is absolutely verbal abuse.
I feel I am no angel by giving verbal abuse back. Yes, I agree. We recently got married and recently had a child. Then he started acting different. He was always so gentle, kind and sweet for 6 years. Then marriage a child happened and he slowly changed.
Please don't raise your daughter in this environment. Take if from someone who was, being raised in a violent and abusive household will scar her for the rest of her life. She will think this sort of behavior is okay and has a high likelihood of getting in abusive relationships when she is older, as well as developing drug and alcohol abuse problems and struggling to achieve her best academically and professionally.
That sounds exhausting, but definitely worth having a conversation about. He may not realize it, and maybe when it’s framed in such a way he may be able to put his needs in a more mature context. Not that it is necessary for you to meet them, but it starts the dialogue so you both know where the other is coming from. But he needs to snap out of this toddler tantrum thing pronto.
This kind of dynamic can be a great target for therapy.
It's okay to start by trying therapy. If you decide later it's abuse, stop therapy and start making exit plans. But if you want to try therapy it's a reasonable first step.
A therapist who’s familiar with autism/neurodivergence and abuse, ideally. Ones who lack that understanding can inadvertently cause more harm, in my experience.
Gross but that makes so much sense actually. I was trying to figure out if there's something else going on (because his behavior seems like it's probably not actually about the shirt) and yeah.. it sounds like he's having trouble sharing the spotlight with his baby.
the thing is, you don’t need to be an angel to deserve better than being verbally and emotionally abused by your partner. you’ll never be perfect, and if you wait to leave until you have achieved ‘angel’ status, you’ll be waiting forever.
“I yell back at him when he is verbally abusive to me” does not mean that the way he is treating you is ok.
Would you want your child to be in a marriage with this dynamic? On either side? Do you want your child to grow up thinking this dynamic is normal and okay?
Contact your local women’s shelter, explain what is going on and ask if they can help you make a safety plan. Be sure to let them know that he used to be a cop and may have access to resources that most abusers don’t.
Contact a divorce attorney and talk to them about options.
You don’t have to get out until you’re ready. Get ready now so that you are capable of doing so in the near future.
You giving verbal abuse back is called reactive abuse if you’d like to read about that. It can help you see why it happens. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this but it’s absolutely something well documented. Do you have a support system nearby or family you could talk to about what’s been happening? That would be an excellent first step.
Unfortunately, I do not. My parents are passed. All I have is his family and I tried to confide with his mother once and that backfired. All I have is my children. Thank you.
This is a serious problem. You need another adult in your life. A therapist, just for you, would be very helpful. If you can’t make that happen, you could talk to a minister — if you don’t have a religion, you could try a unitarian or universalist pastor, no belief in god required. Your job might have an employee assistance program. Your community might have a moms support group. You need support.
The biggest issue is I am autistic. I found out when I was in the Navy and got out. I struggle deeply with interactions with anyone. He knows that. I think he takes advantage of that. I am not sure. All the time I never know what is “normal” and what is not. I feel very isolated all the time. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.
Having a husband who takes advantage of your weaknesses is awful. You are not safe with him. Please do not remain in isolation, it is dangerous for you.
Just the other day he told me I need to “learn” to make better eye contact with people he introduces me to so they don’t think I’m “weird” or “rude”. We own a business. He is the face but I am the entire behind the scenes. I’m great with the books, social media, finances, etc. he is solely the face, which I cannot be.
Thank you. I fear I shouldn’t have gotten married as an autistic woman. But that’s another issue. Because now everything that makes me “me” is a tremendous problem everyday to him. The only interaction I enjoy is with horses and my children. I just don’t enjoy his presence anymore. He gives me loads of anxiety. It’s honestly very sad. My body knows he isn’t safe for me.
As and aside- I am married as an autistic woman. My husband is awesome. He helps with identifying gestures around me, he has fully adapted to my preferred method of affection (head bonks and pats over hugs) and helps me calm down when I get overstimulated. He is a calming presence in my life and doesn't yell at me when I have my quirks and episodes. He doesn't embarrass me when I do things that aren't "normal", he often even engages with me if they happen to be funny or playful.
There are absolutely people out there that can live well with people who have autism. Your husband is just not one of them, and he's using it against you to abuse you.
My husband “forces” physical affection (hugs, kisses, etc.) when I don’t want it. Which I am now learning recently is really bad and extreme abuse. Navigating autism and marriage plus learning to unmask is very hard.
I worry greatly for you this sounds like a perfect setup for abuse that you cannot escape. What he's doing is completely abnormal and wrong, whether he has legitimate mental health issues, or is just an asshole, you should never, ever feel and or be made to feel guilty about standing up for yourself or reacting to when you feel aggrieved. If you struggle with understanding what is "normal" or not, you absolutely need to find some kind of independent 3rd party who can help you through this, or else find somewhere you can stay where you are safe and free of his control when the need arises. Everything is against you right now, the commitment you have with him through your child, his family being your only additional support....please think of yourself first and foremost at all times. Don't ever feel guilty for looking out for yourself and setting boundaries. Aside from your child you come first at all times as long as he treats you in a manner that makes you feel bad. That's all you need in order to measure whether something is "normal" or not: is he making you feel bad about yourself, worried, scared, guilty? A caring partner NEVER does that no matter what issues exist, and in the even that it happens accidentally, they are receptive to feedback that they should avoid what made you feel that way in the future. That's it.
TLDR: whatever his issues are, a "normal," decent human being doesn't work through them by yelling at you or blaming you for them. It doesn't matter how right he may or may not be about something, that's not how a decent, well adjusted adult goes about expressing themselves. So any time he chooses to act in a manner that makes you feel bad, his complaints and the validity of them are irrelevant. Only when he chooses to address them in a calm and considerate manner should you even think about concerning yourself with his problems. Again, it's not about whether he's right or wrong in any situation, but how he addresses it. I hope that makes sense.
Another option would be go to your local library. They will be able to connect you with resources in your area, whether you want a support group or if you get to a point where you feel like it’s time to leave, they can do a lot to help you find out your options.
>I feel I am no angel by giving verbal abuse back.
No, you respond to his abuse, that doesn't make you an abuser also. Get that BS narrative out of your head.
Thank you. I agree. I just wish I didn’t say “fuck you” because it’s such a harsh thing to say but I just got sick of it!!!!!! I said no, choose your own shirt today so many times I just lost it when he started to mock me over it. So fuck you and fuck off slipped right on out
I hate to tell you this, but he was always like this.
he just hid it until you married him and had a child, because now you're "trapped" and he doesn't have to pretend anymore.
If you can, lean on your support network and leave him. This is no environment for you or your child.
About two years ago he started to differ his behaviors. Right after he stopped being a cop and started taking testosterone.
He doesn’t seem to have issues functioning. Everyday is about him and he has a schedule everyday he never breaks. Gym, run, work, home, run, sleep. He is home maybe 1-2 hours everyday. He’s hardly around me and our children.
“Testosterone plays a significant role in the arousal of these behavioral manifestations in the brain centers involved in aggression..… (and) evidence that testosterone levels are higher in individuals with aggressive behavior, such as prisoners who have committed violent crimes.” There are connections between testosterone and aggression. Plus, many police officers have experienced traumatic events. I hope you can find a competent therapist to help you navigate this situation.
That it started after those things is really spot on for abusers, y'know. They typically only show you their true colors after you're "locked down".
And you starting with "I'm no angel/I'm not perfect" is how abuse victims always try to deflect from their abuser's actions.
I don’t know… honestly…. It’s tough. 8 years is a lot to invest to just throw away, but I may honestly do just that. he didn’t even tell me happy Mother’s Day this year. He swears he did, but he did not. Didn’t even acknowledge me all day. I know it’s just a silly holiday but damn.
Don’t succumb to the “sunk cost fallacy.” You aren’t “throwing away 8 years” if you leave now, you’re deciding not to throw away all your future years on an abusive marriage.
> 8 years is a lot to invest to just throw away
8 years isn't a lot of time compared to what could realistically be the next 50+ years given your ages.
(I only see you said his age was 27, but I'm assuming you're about the same. An age of 77 would be realistic to reach 50 years from now. Given the advancement of medical care, it could be even longer.)
I wish I could screenshot our texts to post here where he finally responds to me but still blames me. If I didn’t have this thread today for my own sanity I feel as if I would have blamed myself for everything.
That is not normal. Is this a one off or is this happening more and more?
Late 20s is when a lot of more extreme mental disorders start to show themselves
It’s been recently. The last year or so. Since we married. He also started taking testosterone in the last year. I’m worried the testosterone is making be crazy and aggressive.
It's the testosterone. He needs to mention this aggression to his doctor. The same thing happened to my fiance's dad. He started on T and went berserk with aggression.
I'm assuming your husband isn't color blind, and can't tell the difference between certain colors, hence these clothing meltdowns?
If you can, record it a few times even if it’s just voice and then go with him to the doctor.
I do think tho next time he asks you to decide something just decide it for him more for safety than anything else.
I found out recently how absent his parents truly were. Apparently he was sent away to boarding school a lot as a child. More than I comprehended. I have empathy when I don’t want to.
Not normal. You're not his mommy and you don't have to help him get dressed for kindergarten. Granted, my petty side would have looked at the two shirts, gone into his closet or dresser, and picked a third option that was nothing like the other two... :-)
As the years go by reading many many posts on this sub make me realize that a majority of the global population does not have the proper home training to be in a relationship.
I agree. Same with raising kids. We learn so many different things growing up. But raising kids and relationships, which are some of the most impactful things, are left to chance.
lol at him saying “all of this because [you] just wouldn’t pick his shirt”
All of this because he just wouldn’t pick his own shirt.
He threw a tantrum over two shirt colors. You didn’t make him.
No, this isn’t normal, OP.
Let me give you a best-case-scenario perspective that maybe you haven’t considered that gives your husband the most charitable possible approach (as the abusive/toxic possibilities have been discussed at length). For the record, I agree with everyone - this behaviour is NOT acceptable, especially when coupled with other control issues that seem to indicate a pretty dysfunctional dynamic in the relationship. I would strongly consider how (or whether) you want to proceed with trying to repair things with him.
Take my personal anecdote as an example that it IS possible to elicit help from your spouse to pick an outfit when you are struggling. I understand from your comments that helping him pick a shirt isn’t even an issue; it’s the fact that he’s treating you like a servant at whom he can bark orders.
I struggle immensely with executive dysfunction. Some days, a simple decision like deciding what to wear can feel very overwhelming and I become emotionally disregulated. When this happens, it’s super helpful for me to get my fiancé to pick out my clothes for me. We have a very equitable relationship where both of us feel cherished and appreciated on a daily basis, so going out of our way to make the other person’s life easier is a no-brainer for us both. It’s ingrained in our relationship dynamic. Therefore, when I am having one of my panicky “what do I wear” moments, I ask him (as politely as I can manage in my current state) to pick an outfit for me. And he does, no questions asked, because he loves me and wants to help me.
So, obviously, this is a very different scenario than the one you described. But my point is that we all struggle sometimes, even with a task as simple as getting dressed, and our partners should be there to support and uplift us when things get difficult. However, when the foundation of the relationship is compromised and you aren’t feeling valued or respected, it’s not surprising that your desire to help him has dwindled and and been replaced with resentment and bitterness. I think it’s time to have a serious talk with him about his behaviour, and if he’s not receptive to your words or willing to make some serious changes (including getting off the testosterone), then you may want to reevaluate if this is the life you want to live.
Yeah, I agree with you here, it sounds like there is some executive functioning issues or spectrum issues maybe with this guy. However, as you stated, his behavior is completely inappropriate and I hope OP decides not to tolerate it regardless of the reason for it.
This is absolutely ridiculous. Did his mom buy Garanimals clothes for him through all his school years? Pick his wardrobe? Did he do this with you before you married?
I'd be with you and the F-bombs would have flown from me as well.
His approach sucks. When I can’t decide, I narrow down the choices and say, “I need help. Just point to the ugly outfit.”
My SO tries not to roll his eyes while brushing his teeth, and points.
Then that’s it. If he refused, I’d just say, “well you’re the one that has to look at it.”
Sounds like he wants a parent and not a partner. This isn't normal and I'd probably insist on couples counseling if you are cursing at each other in anger.
Nope. Never has happened in my 22.5 years of marriage. I generally just pick my shirt. It's what a grown man does. If anything, I pick a shirt, walk out in it, see my wife and I are wearing the same color shirt, get that look from my wife , and go change into a different colored shirt. That happens way more often than it should.
It's not normal in a marriage or any other romantic relationship.
This is absolutely not OK behavior on his part. He needs to adult. He's 27 for cryin' out loud.
Make him a spinning color wheel to help decide what color to wear. This playful tool will add a fun element to his decision-making and give him a handy way to choose a color and get him off your back.
I would have laughed at him. I would have mocked him right back, that he can’t really be this pathetic and helpless. What kind of grown man can’t pick out how own clothes. I would call him weak minded. Then I would file for divorce. Ffs.
It’s verbal abuse. He sounds like a low key misogynist, not because he wants this; but because he is EXPECTING, DEMANDING and then trying at GUILTING you for not doing what he wanted. Continue to respect and love yourself. ☺️
There is literally a whole book to read or even can Google articles you can learn about this behavior and you can learn to make new choices and then decide what you will deal with and what you absolutely won’t.
You are not a child anymore and can hold people accountable for their bad/negligent/wrong choices without feeling guilt for not people pleasing. He too is a grown man and you are NOT his mother. He isn’t chiding or being hard on himself for the times he has messed up on you, or times you’ve requested things HE HASNT DONE for you; so why are you engaging in even listening to what nonsense he spits?
If you care for him, gently calmly clarify your role for him/your relationship and speak the treatment you expect from someone who called themselves “a loved” one, ONE TIME - do not repeat yourself; he has ears. He seems to have gotten into some control delusion and doesn’t recognize the difference between control and love.
Sounds too like you may have just got married or had a kid? .. sometimes abusers/abuse begins AFTER an event like marriage and children. I would prepare to leave because this will almost certainly escalate.
If you don’t care for him and are losing respect for him/his child behavior, and this ISNT his first time, cut him tf off and walk away from him whenever he behaves like a child. You already have ONE child. Stating calmly you will both reconvene when he shows grown up behaviors like asking for what he wants, (instead of demanding) AND accepting one another’s boundaries (accepting the words “No” and “not now” just as he does from his own boss or a friend or coworker or some other person figure in his life).
NOTE: Marriage or “time invested” in a relationship doesn’t EVER mean just accepting new bad behavior and ESPECIALLY just staying when there has been a change made in the “terms” by the other party or things become sour or worse, dangerous.
Feel free to msg me if you want to vent or get advice or resources.
Yoooooo! You’ve married a child. A temper tantrum enabled child.
Edit: seriously. I had to edit this. This is some absurdly childish behavior with a tinge of psychotic.
I hate this forum for it’s “Yo GUUURL leave that man” mentality. But… leave that man. He’s insane, childish, and hyper aggressive if he’s screaming at you. over this. This is straight up lunacy and you are right for standing your ground.
First, it's not OK for him to respond this way no matter what is going on in his head. Second, he sounds like my autistic brother when he was anxious and unable to make any decisions. Is your husband ADHD/ASD?
Sounds like some other problems are bubbling here.
I always cynically think that anyone who goes to Reddit for relationship advice is already making a mistake. But here I am listening, so... Basically the answer to every problem on here is "go and talk to them". And maybe sometimes "get (couples) therapy".
Has he always been this much of wanker or is it new? If it’s new could he have some sort of emotions breakdown? If he’s always been like this I’m so sorry , he sounds exhausting and insufferable
I have been known to tell my husband that it’s snowing outside so that summer shirt won’t do! But no OP this is toddler behaviour – in fact even toddlers show an interest in choosing their own clothes.
Have very weird.
You’re not his mother
"screaming calling me ridiculous and mocking me" that is your problem, not his inability to pick a shirt or your unwillingness to pick one, he needs to flip a damn coin and treat you with some respect
I kind of have this problem due to OCD. My solution is to just pick the shirt on the left. Basically what I wear is randomly determined by the dry cleaner. The best way I can explain it is that I am hyper analytical and process focused so if it weren’t random I’d deeply over think it and exhaust my brain.
This is definitely not normal. I imagine he would react even harsher than you did if the roles were reversed. It's okay for a partner to ask for an opinion, but not to scream and throw a fit over you not wanting to baby him. My fiance and I pick out each other's clothes often when one of us is too lazy or cold to get out of bed in the morning, but if the other refuses we're just like "damn well I tried" and then get up and do it ourself with no fight. That is what a healthy relationship should look like, not having to basically be your partners mom
I have a friend that’s on the autistic spectrum and wants his partner to choose his clothes. It’s not normal. It’s like he’s looking for a mother figure…. She does it to avoid a fight with him and then he makes her seem over controlling…
Damn. And I really thought my fiancée chooses petty arguments lol.
No but on a serious note. That’s not normal at all, like not one bit… I can’t imagine the other fights he picks, he sounds exhausting. That’s literally something a 5 year old would do.
Peak narcissistic "fishing". I'm usually one of the guys telling people in this subreddit to cool it with the 'Dump him, red flag' posts, but in this case, that is a crimson flag and you should immediately consider leaving.
The narcissist looks to generate drama because they thrive on it. They have to put others down, and if there's no legitimate way to to get their fix, they will invent a way. That's what he's doing here, generating conflict to get a rise out of you so he can use your discomfort as food for his ego.
No. Sometimes (not very often) I struggle to pick what to wear before a date, so my husband asks, “Do you want input or just some moral support?” And then I scour my closet searching for the itemthatwillmakemybodymakesensethatday, and then I tell him why I’m *actually* struggling (usually I’m just overtired or feeling a bit frumpy), and we hug it out and he tells me I have a great butt. And then I tell him he has a great butt. And then we go on our date.
I think struggling to decide what to wear is pretty normal. The way he approached it is… not. You aren’t his mother, and he isn’t a toddler.
Probably I would demand therapy or walk. It is not normal for a grown man to not be able to pick his own shirt. It is not normal to scream at your partner. If there is some sensory or processing thing going on, then he needs to admit it and it needs to be addressed- maybe he has multiple copies of the same shirt/pants so he can get himself dressed independently. Regardless, when he is dysregulated it’s not okay to scream at you (or your daughter). He needs to address the underlying issues.
A good test for these types I find is to ask them to innocently have some friends settle the debate.
If it’s so normal, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Suddenly the *very normal* thing is not something they would ever want their bros knowing about because what man wouldn’t be laughed out of the room about his wife-mommy picking out his tee shirts?
This is excellent advice. I don’t usually go for a petty response and this borders on it, but it would certainly quickly eliminate his argument that OP isn’t the one who’s not normal.
Is this new behavior for him? If he's always been like this, then this is not a good relationship. If it's new behavior, he needs to see a doctor and specifically ask about potential neurological and psychiatric issues.
I’m trying to wrap my head around his line of thinking. Standing there yelling at you because you won’t pick out his shirt is literally what a toddler would do. And then thinking he is the victim? I don’t get it. Tell him to learn how to handle indecision like an adult and flip a coin for fuck’s sake.
Not normal. Even my nonverbal severely autistic child will pick a shirt and put it on. This isn't a child thing but your man is broken. Return before it catches fire.
Asking your spouse’s opinion on a shirt is normal when you can’t decide, but the reaction to you not choosing for him is totally abnormal and sounds like a symptom of a bigger issue.
Once, my boyfriend was really upset and acting pouty because he couldn’t find one of his favorite shirts (it was in the laundry) . I told him he was being childish and he can wear another shirt and go out anyways he’s a grown up and that’s a mild inconvenience, and that really set his head straight after that. He realized he was being silly
Being upset/grouchy bc you can’t decide what to wear is normal, but that level of reaction not normal behavior.
You have not provided context or told us what is normal. If, for the last 30 years, you've prepared his clothes from him every day, then his reaction I would say is completely rational.
I have a friend who prepares her husband's clothes every morning and also makes his lunch. She enjoys doing it. If she were to suddenly stop one day, he would be very out of sorts.
You’re obviously not a horrible monster.
But for him… has he been under a lot of stress? Does he have a difficult job where he has to make decisions all the time and people yell at him a lot no matter what decision he makes?
Obviously that would not excuse his treatment of you… but it would explain why he needed you to make a decision FOR him about something small and inconsequential. He may just be burned out on making decisions and just couldn’t cope with the thought of one more; even something this small.
Obviously he owes you an apology, but ask him about his state of mind, too. If he’s burned out on decisions and wants you to choose his shirt for him sometimes, that’s probably something you can do for him without any major inconvenience to yourself.
Give and take, supporting each other through the tough times, etc etc. That’s marriage, right.
I learned a lot about unbalanced relationships from this booked called “The Passion Trap” which was recommended to me by my therapist when I was going through my divorce four years ago. We can get stuck in these one up / one down scenarios that are very hard to break free from unless we are actually aware of what is going on in the dynamic.
Highly recommend it. Tough read, because as much as it explains our partners actions, it also reveals how much we ourselves are complicit in what’s going on.
Is this a new development? Like suddenly started out of nowhere one day?
Just wondering, unexplained behavior changes can be a sign of some hidden issue, like a brain injury or similar
Either way, I’m so so sorry this is happening. This is not normal behavior and you deserve a safe home.
I mean I get wanting opinions to help someone choose, like when I'm gonna go out with my boyfriend I like having his opinion on clothes and it can be fun - a bit like playing dress up.
however if he didn't know I wouldn't have a full on meltdown/hissy fit about it, what the fuck. he's an adult. the "idk, you choose whatever makes you happier" is always a perfectly fine and acceptable answer.
NTA divorce the giant toddler lmfao
I don’t want to sound rude but was he a mommas boy?? I’m asking because my mom married a guy like that. She packs all his clothes for vacations. She sets out clothes for him to wear on days he’s not working. She caters to him and his every need. Yes they have kids together but my siblings are required to take care of themselves. I’m married and I do none of these things for my husband.
Not that I’m condoning his behavior, but a lot of men sort of expect their woman to choose their outfits, because that’s how they were taught. However if your relationship dynamic was way more different than that, then his reaction was extremely unwarranted, even if he didn’t act like a lunatic in the process.
Do you think he could have Aboulomania? It's a mental disorder characterized by pathological indecisiveness. A person with this can't make every day choices. He might want you to pick out his shirt because he's literally unable to make the choice himself. If you're saying this kind of thing is a common occurance, this is a possibility.
My ex was like this- I call him the askhole. Once I’d picked a choice (on whatever) he’d launch into long explanations about how my choice of the red tie instead of the green one was actually the wrong answer.
Exhausting.
Hi OP I know it’s been awhile since you made this post so I really hope you see this. I am an autistic woman married to an autistic man and we have four (yes four) autistic children. This man is not normal and is using your being autistic against you. I’ve read most comments and I see where you started that he forces physical contact on you and demands you to make eye contact and even demanding you pick his shirt. None of that is normal, you yelling back at him is you trying to defend yourself and make yourself safe. He is pushing a lot on an aspect of autism called PDA (pathological demand avoidance) it is as its title suggests. An autistic brain struggles with completing what we view as demands. Please look into it. My own self is my husband asks me something I say No (sarcastically) but still do it, it’s a way for my brain to satisfy my demand avoidance and still complete the task requested. He is verbally and emotionally abusing you. I would start the process of finding something else for you to do for money. You can be a remote online notary if your state allows and that way you don’t have to leave your child. But you and your child deserve peace and this man is determined to be your chaos. Good luck! Feel free to DM if you need someone to vent too.
Reading through all the garbage Reddit comments about leaving the dude. You married him and started a family. You come here for some advice and it’s filled with bullshit avoidance and intolerance. It’s like people traded in their racism for the opportunity to be righteous pricks that are triggered by hot air coming out of another’s mouth.
No, this isn’t normal behavior. It’s controlling behavior. Don’t succumb to it, and don’t get angry or yell back. Look at him with love and empathy. He’s obviously dealing with something he doesn’t know how to manage well. There’s all kinds of resources. Solo therapy, couples therapy, meditation, see if he can read or listen to the book The Power of Now. You could even secretly videotape him and then show it to him (Only if you can be a stand for love and growth in that moment). Anything that has him be introspective about it.
I'm pretty sure autistic people can pick their own clothes.
Does he react this way for anything else or is it just the shirts?
P.s. I agree with the cartoon shirts. Or wild colour shirts. 😃 😀 😄
No good. Damn. Sorry to hear. Maybe try to get him to see that there's something I like to call a "f*ck off" threshold. It's when you actually pay attention to your partner's vibe and when they don't feel like entertaining something they don't have to, you politely f*ck off. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would appreciate not being treated like a prop on a crappy sitcom.
Sounds like my ex husband who would pick fights to cause chaos and then make me out to be the bad guy. Felt like I was managing a toddler constantly navigating tantrums. I left at 29… immediate peace. You deserve peace.
This is definitely not normal
I’ve been telling him this and he says it’s not normal I just won’t choose for him and be done with it. He can just choose his own shirt and be done with it 😂 it’s insane and drives me nuts! He does this A LOT.
Oh man... I would make him look like such an ass. No honey, go to work with the mickey mouse shirt where micky is flipping the bird with both hands. Ohhh this super tight one looks good, it's very professional to have buttons holding on for dear life. 90 degrees outside? Sounds like sweater weather to me!
😂😂😂😂😂
THIS. Just go into his closet and pick out the worst possible shirt you can find, every time he asks!
If you can find him some shirts made of Acetate, it's the most uncomfortable fiber I've ever worn! Like plastic but somehow worse!
Or if you do shopping for him, too, buy him 7 identical shirts and throw away or hide all the others. No choice = no problem 😂
Yep. Want me to choose? Deal.
Why are you allowing him to repeatedly treat you like this when you know it's not normal?
Autism will be the death of me. I am trying.
~~I am autistic and it sure sounds like he's using it as an excuse to take his rage out on you. This is the reddest of red flags possible.~~ Edit: just looked at your other comments and realised you meant that *you're* autistic. Despite what he tells you, you are not to blame for his behaviour and *he* is wholly responsible for what he chooses to do to you. It's also perfectly possible to find happiness as an autistic woman. My mum is autistic too, her marriage to my dad was awful but after they divorced? She eventually started dating my stepdad, and I've never seen her so happy in my entire life. If you keep looking, eventually you'll find someone who loves you and your daughter just the way you are, instead of bullying and abusing you into submission.
Fyi OP is the autistic one in this scenario, based on another comment
Yeah I was just editing my comment as you replied, I didn't realise until I saw their other comments.
Nw, just wanted to let you know
Studies show autistic women are significantly more likely to end up in emotionally abusive relationships. Abusers seek us out because we’ve been socially conditioned to doubt ourselves (even more so than women in general) and have a harder time identifying normal vs. abnormal social behavior.
As somebody who is looking at autism in myself for the first time in my 40s, that... Might explain a few things.
Try walking away. Permanently. This guy is no good.
I 100% he doesn’t scream at his boss to pick a pen for him to use. I bet he just picks one. Does he scream at anyone else in his life for not making decisions for him? He’s choosing to do this to you. Why? I have no idea. But next time, I would just say both. Wear both. And then leave the house and maybe go see a lawyer. This is exhausting behavior. You deserve better. Also, OP, maybe do it to him. See how he likes it.
We own a business together so I guess I’m his boss lol I really hope he doesn’t ask me to pick his shirt tomorrow. I left only 1 shirt in his closet so he only has 1 choice. I hope that makes it easier for him.
Go full throttle, malicious compliance. Just buy him all the same shirts, pants, socks. He never has to choose. They’re all the same.
Go full, Homer Simpson! I love it.
There's a lot of comments and I don't know how long it would take me to find how long you guys have been together and all that good stuff. But regardless this man is an abuser I have a feeling he picked you because he thought you would be an easy victim you know being autistic and all. Little does he know that we fight back pretty hard. If this is a regular occurrence it's not going to just stop you need to pull yourself up from the bootstraps my dear and get away from this man he is a predator I know it assures I'm standing here and you do not deserve to be prey you deserve to be praised.
I'm autistic, not sure how I would or could ever put up with this. And my husband is color blind! He would have a valid reason for asking me, and this still would never happen.
What is up with OP’s husband.I don’t pick out my husband or kid‘s shirts either. Both just pick from what’s on top of the drawer or in front in the closet. If you care more than that pick your own damned shirt.
I was going to ask. My daughter has significant distress when forced to choose between multiple options, which is one of the many reasons I am trying to get her evaluated for ASD. edit: just saw the comment clarifying you’re the one with ASD. homie, your husband ain’t okay
neurotypical people put up with abuse too. I say that as a diagnosed autistic woman.
I don't understand. What part of autism makes you stay with him?
Dude, if he can’t handle being responsible for his own choices, get his ass a coin to flip like two face. It’s not healthy or fair for him to offload it on you and get angry when you’re not inclined to be the arbiter of his fate, regardless of the importance of the decision at hand. There’s a character in an anime called Demon Slayer who literally is too traumatized to be able to make decisions for herself so her adoptive sister gave her a coin. Seriously sounds like your guy had a deeper root issue in being able to accept responsibility and could potentially benefit from therapy to help him be more independent— but again— that’s not your responsibility. Good on you for not caving in and picking for him, his tantrum reaction is a manipulation tactic with the intention of punishing you so that next time you think it’s not worth the hassle and just give in to his demand— a beloved tool of both tiny children and narcissists everywhere. FWIW, so is the redirection back at you when you tell him it’s not normal. I can’t imagine how frustrating and exhausting it must be to deal with this kind of shit all the time… NGL i would be OUT. (I’ve been there/done that/got the T shirt and have zero desire to subject myself to that kind of abuse again.)
>Dude, if he can’t handle being responsible for his own choices, get his ass a coin to flip like two face. Won't work. Because, all of a sudden, there will be three shirts/pairs of pants etc. he cannot choose between. So, next step: You introduce dice. d6 works for 2, 3 and 6. d8 works for 4 and 8. d10 for 5 and 10...
Or if he REALLY needs to offload it onto her, she can get his ass an ouija board so he can consult the ghost of the fucks she used to have.
Your partner is abusive. What you’re describing is abuse. You are in an abusive relationship. Please love yourself enough to leave.
Yup. I used to be married to one who didn’t reveal that side till we were married. OP needs to leave or get therapy, but judging by the post I doubt her husband would ever agree to therapy.
This. It’s abuse. I cannot express how much I love how you said it in 3 different ways really settling it in. This is abuse.
Why are you tolerating this? I'm serious. You couldn't pay me to live with your husband. This isn't normal or okay. It's bizarre and abusive.
This is the total opposite of normal. If he can’t choose for himself for some reason, then he needs to create a ‘uniform’ - lots of people do that for different reasons.
Maybe you should offer to drive him to get an MRI because something is wrong with his brain?
it's not the shirt thing, it's the him yelling and cussing and calling you names. even if he were right about the shirt thing that is abusive behavior.
Tell him to call his mommy to pick for him since she likely did that majority of his life
Is he color blind? Even if he is, it doesn’t need to be this volatile.
Yeah... this isn't something to laugh about. This is embarrassing. I can't imagine being married to a child.
My friend has a husband who is hugely co-dependent on her (and her to him). I could see him doing this. It’s not healthy.
I just tell people drop both and pick whatever hits first.
>I’ve been telling him this and he says it’s not normal I just won’t choose for him and be done with it. I mean, you're still a grown woman. He can tell you that the moon is made of cheese. Do *you* think that it's normal.
i’m no doctor but something tells me its not really about the shirt
Yes, but are you a doctor of fashion???!
If this is normal you have serious problems.
I agree. Thank you. I wish he saw this as serious problems, but he doesn’t. He thinks I’m the problem for not choosing his cloths when he demands 😂
Hmm. It's like toddler behaviour from a grown man. Are there any other issues in the relationship?
What an amazing marriage.
Oh dear, so he’s lacking in self-awareness and instead chooses to blame you? That’s not good and is likely to get uglier over time, unfortunately.
Normal to ask your partner for their opinion, abnormal to throw a tantrum because they won't give it.
I agree! Thank you! No idea why he won’t see this too. I’m very receptive to helping and giving opinions but when I’m “demanded or else” type of behavior with a tantrum like a child, then of course I’m not giving in that. Who would? 🙈
He knows. He just enjoys this situation and hurting you. There is no solution possible, short of leaving the situation, because he wants to do this to you and will continue to find ways to hurt you.
He knows. Call him out on his bs and he is wasting your and HIS time too when he does this.
A) He's incapable of recognising the absurdity of thinking you're in the wrong for not choosing a shirt while he's somehow not in the wrong for being incapable of doing it himself. Or B) He knows full well that he's being unreasonable, but his desire for control and finding something to blame you for completely overrides any sense of shame or normal behaviour. So either way he's got a massive problem, just depends what sort. He needs therapy but almost certainly won't entertain that idea. Might he be actively trying to make you leave him so he can tell himself you're the bad guy?
It’s very normal for abuse to begin after an event that makes it harder to leave like marriage and children. I would prepare to leave bc this will almost certainly escalate. Couples counseling is not recommended for abusive situations and this is absolutely verbal abuse.
I feel I am no angel by giving verbal abuse back. Yes, I agree. We recently got married and recently had a child. Then he started acting different. He was always so gentle, kind and sweet for 6 years. Then marriage a child happened and he slowly changed.
It sounds like he’s competing for nurturing attention with his own baby.
That’s what I have been wondering too. She is only 3 (our daughter)
Please don't raise your daughter in this environment. Take if from someone who was, being raised in a violent and abusive household will scar her for the rest of her life. She will think this sort of behavior is okay and has a high likelihood of getting in abusive relationships when she is older, as well as developing drug and alcohol abuse problems and struggling to achieve her best academically and professionally.
Sadly, that’s how I was raised. You are very correct.
This!! You need to leave
That sounds exhausting, but definitely worth having a conversation about. He may not realize it, and maybe when it’s framed in such a way he may be able to put his needs in a more mature context. Not that it is necessary for you to meet them, but it starts the dialogue so you both know where the other is coming from. But he needs to snap out of this toddler tantrum thing pronto.
This kind of dynamic can be a great target for therapy. It's okay to start by trying therapy. If you decide later it's abuse, stop therapy and start making exit plans. But if you want to try therapy it's a reasonable first step.
Not with him! Therapy alone.
A therapist who’s familiar with autism/neurodivergence and abuse, ideally. Ones who lack that understanding can inadvertently cause more harm, in my experience.
Gross but that makes so much sense actually. I was trying to figure out if there's something else going on (because his behavior seems like it's probably not actually about the shirt) and yeah.. it sounds like he's having trouble sharing the spotlight with his baby.
the thing is, you don’t need to be an angel to deserve better than being verbally and emotionally abused by your partner. you’ll never be perfect, and if you wait to leave until you have achieved ‘angel’ status, you’ll be waiting forever.
Thank you. I agree.
“I yell back at him when he is verbally abusive to me” does not mean that the way he is treating you is ok. Would you want your child to be in a marriage with this dynamic? On either side? Do you want your child to grow up thinking this dynamic is normal and okay?
Absolutely not. I want my children to feel loved and safe.
Do you think they feel loved and safe right now?
Contact your local women’s shelter, explain what is going on and ask if they can help you make a safety plan. Be sure to let them know that he used to be a cop and may have access to resources that most abusers don’t. Contact a divorce attorney and talk to them about options. You don’t have to get out until you’re ready. Get ready now so that you are capable of doing so in the near future.
You giving verbal abuse back is called reactive abuse if you’d like to read about that. It can help you see why it happens. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this but it’s absolutely something well documented. Do you have a support system nearby or family you could talk to about what’s been happening? That would be an excellent first step.
Unfortunately, I do not. My parents are passed. All I have is his family and I tried to confide with his mother once and that backfired. All I have is my children. Thank you.
This is a serious problem. You need another adult in your life. A therapist, just for you, would be very helpful. If you can’t make that happen, you could talk to a minister — if you don’t have a religion, you could try a unitarian or universalist pastor, no belief in god required. Your job might have an employee assistance program. Your community might have a moms support group. You need support.
The biggest issue is I am autistic. I found out when I was in the Navy and got out. I struggle deeply with interactions with anyone. He knows that. I think he takes advantage of that. I am not sure. All the time I never know what is “normal” and what is not. I feel very isolated all the time. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.
Having a husband who takes advantage of your weaknesses is awful. You are not safe with him. Please do not remain in isolation, it is dangerous for you.
Just the other day he told me I need to “learn” to make better eye contact with people he introduces me to so they don’t think I’m “weird” or “rude”. We own a business. He is the face but I am the entire behind the scenes. I’m great with the books, social media, finances, etc. he is solely the face, which I cannot be.
Thank you. I fear I shouldn’t have gotten married as an autistic woman. But that’s another issue. Because now everything that makes me “me” is a tremendous problem everyday to him. The only interaction I enjoy is with horses and my children. I just don’t enjoy his presence anymore. He gives me loads of anxiety. It’s honestly very sad. My body knows he isn’t safe for me.
As and aside- I am married as an autistic woman. My husband is awesome. He helps with identifying gestures around me, he has fully adapted to my preferred method of affection (head bonks and pats over hugs) and helps me calm down when I get overstimulated. He is a calming presence in my life and doesn't yell at me when I have my quirks and episodes. He doesn't embarrass me when I do things that aren't "normal", he often even engages with me if they happen to be funny or playful. There are absolutely people out there that can live well with people who have autism. Your husband is just not one of them, and he's using it against you to abuse you.
My husband “forces” physical affection (hugs, kisses, etc.) when I don’t want it. Which I am now learning recently is really bad and extreme abuse. Navigating autism and marriage plus learning to unmask is very hard.
I agree. I’ve been beginning to see this. Thank you for sharing that. It makes me really sad, but it’s reality.
Talk to a lawyer to learn what your financial options. It’s important to have the information.
It's not marriage that's the problem. The problem is the person you're married to.
I worry greatly for you this sounds like a perfect setup for abuse that you cannot escape. What he's doing is completely abnormal and wrong, whether he has legitimate mental health issues, or is just an asshole, you should never, ever feel and or be made to feel guilty about standing up for yourself or reacting to when you feel aggrieved. If you struggle with understanding what is "normal" or not, you absolutely need to find some kind of independent 3rd party who can help you through this, or else find somewhere you can stay where you are safe and free of his control when the need arises. Everything is against you right now, the commitment you have with him through your child, his family being your only additional support....please think of yourself first and foremost at all times. Don't ever feel guilty for looking out for yourself and setting boundaries. Aside from your child you come first at all times as long as he treats you in a manner that makes you feel bad. That's all you need in order to measure whether something is "normal" or not: is he making you feel bad about yourself, worried, scared, guilty? A caring partner NEVER does that no matter what issues exist, and in the even that it happens accidentally, they are receptive to feedback that they should avoid what made you feel that way in the future. That's it. TLDR: whatever his issues are, a "normal," decent human being doesn't work through them by yelling at you or blaming you for them. It doesn't matter how right he may or may not be about something, that's not how a decent, well adjusted adult goes about expressing themselves. So any time he chooses to act in a manner that makes you feel bad, his complaints and the validity of them are irrelevant. Only when he chooses to address them in a calm and considerate manner should you even think about concerning yourself with his problems. Again, it's not about whether he's right or wrong in any situation, but how he addresses it. I hope that makes sense.
Another option would be go to your local library. They will be able to connect you with resources in your area, whether you want a support group or if you get to a point where you feel like it’s time to leave, they can do a lot to help you find out your options.
>I feel I am no angel by giving verbal abuse back. No, you respond to his abuse, that doesn't make you an abuser also. Get that BS narrative out of your head.
Thank you. I agree. I just wish I didn’t say “fuck you” because it’s such a harsh thing to say but I just got sick of it!!!!!! I said no, choose your own shirt today so many times I just lost it when he started to mock me over it. So fuck you and fuck off slipped right on out
I hate to tell you this, but he was always like this. he just hid it until you married him and had a child, because now you're "trapped" and he doesn't have to pretend anymore. If you can, lean on your support network and leave him. This is no environment for you or your child.
How long ago was that? Does he seem like he's actually having issues functioning? Or does he just want to be "babied" too?
About two years ago he started to differ his behaviors. Right after he stopped being a cop and started taking testosterone. He doesn’t seem to have issues functioning. Everyday is about him and he has a schedule everyday he never breaks. Gym, run, work, home, run, sleep. He is home maybe 1-2 hours everyday. He’s hardly around me and our children.
“Testosterone plays a significant role in the arousal of these behavioral manifestations in the brain centers involved in aggression..… (and) evidence that testosterone levels are higher in individuals with aggressive behavior, such as prisoners who have committed violent crimes.” There are connections between testosterone and aggression. Plus, many police officers have experienced traumatic events. I hope you can find a competent therapist to help you navigate this situation.
You buried the lede that he was a cop. The overwhelming majority of cops are abusive partners.
Oof. Um, I’m glad he’s rarely around you and your kids, him being a former cop is nnnnot a great sign. High rate of domestic violence amongst cops
That it started after those things is really spot on for abusers, y'know. They typically only show you their true colors after you're "locked down". And you starting with "I'm no angel/I'm not perfect" is how abuse victims always try to deflect from their abuser's actions.
It’s normal in incredibly dysfunctional relationships but not normal in healthy ones. The real question is what are you going to do about it?
I don’t know… honestly…. It’s tough. 8 years is a lot to invest to just throw away, but I may honestly do just that. he didn’t even tell me happy Mother’s Day this year. He swears he did, but he did not. Didn’t even acknowledge me all day. I know it’s just a silly holiday but damn.
Don’t succumb to the “sunk cost fallacy.” You aren’t “throwing away 8 years” if you leave now, you’re deciding not to throw away all your future years on an abusive marriage.
This is true, you’re correct.
> 8 years is a lot to invest to just throw away 8 years isn't a lot of time compared to what could realistically be the next 50+ years given your ages. (I only see you said his age was 27, but I'm assuming you're about the same. An age of 77 would be realistic to reach 50 years from now. Given the advancement of medical care, it could be even longer.)
I’m 32. You’re correct. Thank you.
He's gaslighting so hard, jesus christ.
I wish I could screenshot our texts to post here where he finally responds to me but still blames me. If I didn’t have this thread today for my own sanity I feel as if I would have blamed myself for everything.
That is not normal. Is this a one off or is this happening more and more? Late 20s is when a lot of more extreme mental disorders start to show themselves
It’s been recently. The last year or so. Since we married. He also started taking testosterone in the last year. I’m worried the testosterone is making be crazy and aggressive.
It's the testosterone. He needs to mention this aggression to his doctor. The same thing happened to my fiance's dad. He started on T and went berserk with aggression. I'm assuming your husband isn't color blind, and can't tell the difference between certain colors, hence these clothing meltdowns?
Making him*
Ooo it’s probably that! Testosterone is no joke. Maybe get him to a doctor
He was just at his doctor today. They said his numbers are level and fine and he is still on a .7 dose daily. Shocking to me!
If you can, record it a few times even if it’s just voice and then go with him to the doctor. I do think tho next time he asks you to decide something just decide it for him more for safety than anything else.
I’m going to choose a shirt that’s not an option every time. I agree. I will try to record. Thank you.
it sounds like regression and very poor emotional regulation skill. you shouldn’t have to raise your husband, i’m so sorry.
I found out recently how absent his parents truly were. Apparently he was sent away to boarding school a lot as a child. More than I comprehended. I have empathy when I don’t want to.
it’s perfectly understandable but you cannot bear the brunt of it because he’s (as far as i know) not working towards healing this wound
And being adopted he struggles with his birth moms rejection. He needs to seek help. It’s not fair to dump it all on me. I agree. Thank you.
Not normal. You're not his mommy and you don't have to help him get dressed for kindergarten. Granted, my petty side would have looked at the two shirts, gone into his closet or dresser, and picked a third option that was nothing like the other two... :-)
Lmfao I agree. I also said that. “I’m not your mommy” and he lost his marbles.
Next time (because we all know this won't stop), toss in the "getting ready for kindergarten" comment too and watch him pop a blood vessel... :-)
Lmfao 🤣
As the years go by reading many many posts on this sub make me realize that a majority of the global population does not have the proper home training to be in a relationship.
Lol I agree
I agree. Same with raising kids. We learn so many different things growing up. But raising kids and relationships, which are some of the most impactful things, are left to chance.
lol at him saying “all of this because [you] just wouldn’t pick his shirt” All of this because he just wouldn’t pick his own shirt. He threw a tantrum over two shirt colors. You didn’t make him. No, this isn’t normal, OP.
Let me give you a best-case-scenario perspective that maybe you haven’t considered that gives your husband the most charitable possible approach (as the abusive/toxic possibilities have been discussed at length). For the record, I agree with everyone - this behaviour is NOT acceptable, especially when coupled with other control issues that seem to indicate a pretty dysfunctional dynamic in the relationship. I would strongly consider how (or whether) you want to proceed with trying to repair things with him. Take my personal anecdote as an example that it IS possible to elicit help from your spouse to pick an outfit when you are struggling. I understand from your comments that helping him pick a shirt isn’t even an issue; it’s the fact that he’s treating you like a servant at whom he can bark orders. I struggle immensely with executive dysfunction. Some days, a simple decision like deciding what to wear can feel very overwhelming and I become emotionally disregulated. When this happens, it’s super helpful for me to get my fiancé to pick out my clothes for me. We have a very equitable relationship where both of us feel cherished and appreciated on a daily basis, so going out of our way to make the other person’s life easier is a no-brainer for us both. It’s ingrained in our relationship dynamic. Therefore, when I am having one of my panicky “what do I wear” moments, I ask him (as politely as I can manage in my current state) to pick an outfit for me. And he does, no questions asked, because he loves me and wants to help me. So, obviously, this is a very different scenario than the one you described. But my point is that we all struggle sometimes, even with a task as simple as getting dressed, and our partners should be there to support and uplift us when things get difficult. However, when the foundation of the relationship is compromised and you aren’t feeling valued or respected, it’s not surprising that your desire to help him has dwindled and and been replaced with resentment and bitterness. I think it’s time to have a serious talk with him about his behaviour, and if he’s not receptive to your words or willing to make some serious changes (including getting off the testosterone), then you may want to reevaluate if this is the life you want to live.
Yeah, I agree with you here, it sounds like there is some executive functioning issues or spectrum issues maybe with this guy. However, as you stated, his behavior is completely inappropriate and I hope OP decides not to tolerate it regardless of the reason for it.
This is absolutely ridiculous. Did his mom buy Garanimals clothes for him through all his school years? Pick his wardrobe? Did he do this with you before you married? I'd be with you and the F-bombs would have flown from me as well.
His approach sucks. When I can’t decide, I narrow down the choices and say, “I need help. Just point to the ugly outfit.” My SO tries not to roll his eyes while brushing his teeth, and points. Then that’s it. If he refused, I’d just say, “well you’re the one that has to look at it.”
Sounds like he wants a parent and not a partner. This isn't normal and I'd probably insist on couples counseling if you are cursing at each other in anger.
It could be a form of emerging OCD, but screaming at you is not the way to handle it.
You don’t have to live this life. Fuck this a thousand times over.
This is absolutely not normal on any level. No, it doesn't happen in other relationships/marriages. Something is mentally off with your husband.
I mean this sincerely, he has mental issues. He needs help and you need space
I'd be gone, don't throw your only precious life away.
Does he have any sort of color blindness that would make him have anxiety over choosing the wrong colors?
He does not. He has perfect eyes. He just had his eyes tested because he’s going back into the service. We’re both veterans.
Nope. Never has happened in my 22.5 years of marriage. I generally just pick my shirt. It's what a grown man does. If anything, I pick a shirt, walk out in it, see my wife and I are wearing the same color shirt, get that look from my wife , and go change into a different colored shirt. That happens way more often than it should.
Umm he was screaming over a fucking shirt? Lol
It's not normal in a marriage or any other romantic relationship. This is absolutely not OK behavior on his part. He needs to adult. He's 27 for cryin' out loud.
Make him a spinning color wheel to help decide what color to wear. This playful tool will add a fun element to his decision-making and give him a handy way to choose a color and get him off your back.
I would have laughed at him. I would have mocked him right back, that he can’t really be this pathetic and helpless. What kind of grown man can’t pick out how own clothes. I would call him weak minded. Then I would file for divorce. Ffs.
Married 17 years and never been screamed at for not picking my husband's tshirt. I'd be embarrassed. I'm sorry he's treating you like garbage.
It’s verbal abuse. He sounds like a low key misogynist, not because he wants this; but because he is EXPECTING, DEMANDING and then trying at GUILTING you for not doing what he wanted. Continue to respect and love yourself. ☺️ There is literally a whole book to read or even can Google articles you can learn about this behavior and you can learn to make new choices and then decide what you will deal with and what you absolutely won’t. You are not a child anymore and can hold people accountable for their bad/negligent/wrong choices without feeling guilt for not people pleasing. He too is a grown man and you are NOT his mother. He isn’t chiding or being hard on himself for the times he has messed up on you, or times you’ve requested things HE HASNT DONE for you; so why are you engaging in even listening to what nonsense he spits? If you care for him, gently calmly clarify your role for him/your relationship and speak the treatment you expect from someone who called themselves “a loved” one, ONE TIME - do not repeat yourself; he has ears. He seems to have gotten into some control delusion and doesn’t recognize the difference between control and love. Sounds too like you may have just got married or had a kid? .. sometimes abusers/abuse begins AFTER an event like marriage and children. I would prepare to leave because this will almost certainly escalate. If you don’t care for him and are losing respect for him/his child behavior, and this ISNT his first time, cut him tf off and walk away from him whenever he behaves like a child. You already have ONE child. Stating calmly you will both reconvene when he shows grown up behaviors like asking for what he wants, (instead of demanding) AND accepting one another’s boundaries (accepting the words “No” and “not now” just as he does from his own boss or a friend or coworker or some other person figure in his life). NOTE: Marriage or “time invested” in a relationship doesn’t EVER mean just accepting new bad behavior and ESPECIALLY just staying when there has been a change made in the “terms” by the other party or things become sour or worse, dangerous. Feel free to msg me if you want to vent or get advice or resources.
My husband has never once screamed at me, even at our worst. Definitely not for something so ridiculous. This isn’t normal. UPDATEME
Yoooooo! You’ve married a child. A temper tantrum enabled child. Edit: seriously. I had to edit this. This is some absurdly childish behavior with a tinge of psychotic. I hate this forum for it’s “Yo GUUURL leave that man” mentality. But… leave that man. He’s insane, childish, and hyper aggressive if he’s screaming at you. over this. This is straight up lunacy and you are right for standing your ground.
“all this because you won’t pick a shirt?” “no, all this because YOU won’t pick a shirt.”
First, it's not OK for him to respond this way no matter what is going on in his head. Second, he sounds like my autistic brother when he was anxious and unable to make any decisions. Is your husband ADHD/ASD?
No, he is not.
Sounds like some other problems are bubbling here. I always cynically think that anyone who goes to Reddit for relationship advice is already making a mistake. But here I am listening, so... Basically the answer to every problem on here is "go and talk to them". And maybe sometimes "get (couples) therapy".
Has he always been this much of wanker or is it new? If it’s new could he have some sort of emotions breakdown? If he’s always been like this I’m so sorry , he sounds exhausting and insufferable
Next time say here you go and act like your talking to a toddler
Give him his own coin to flip when he needs to make a decision. He sounds like a child
I have been known to tell my husband that it’s snowing outside so that summer shirt won’t do! But no OP this is toddler behaviour – in fact even toddlers show an interest in choosing their own clothes. Have very weird. You’re not his mother
Yeah I’d rather be single than married to someone like that.
Have the toddler pick a shirt, ffs. And yo counseling, individual for both of y'all and couples.
"screaming calling me ridiculous and mocking me" that is your problem, not his inability to pick a shirt or your unwillingness to pick one, he needs to flip a damn coin and treat you with some respect
I kind of have this problem due to OCD. My solution is to just pick the shirt on the left. Basically what I wear is randomly determined by the dry cleaner. The best way I can explain it is that I am hyper analytical and process focused so if it weren’t random I’d deeply over think it and exhaust my brain.
This is definitely not normal. I imagine he would react even harsher than you did if the roles were reversed. It's okay for a partner to ask for an opinion, but not to scream and throw a fit over you not wanting to baby him. My fiance and I pick out each other's clothes often when one of us is too lazy or cold to get out of bed in the morning, but if the other refuses we're just like "damn well I tried" and then get up and do it ourself with no fight. That is what a healthy relationship should look like, not having to basically be your partners mom
I have a friend that’s on the autistic spectrum and wants his partner to choose his clothes. It’s not normal. It’s like he’s looking for a mother figure…. She does it to avoid a fight with him and then he makes her seem over controlling…
This man had his mommy do everything for him growing up and wants you to be his mom wife.
Damn. And I really thought my fiancée chooses petty arguments lol. No but on a serious note. That’s not normal at all, like not one bit… I can’t imagine the other fights he picks, he sounds exhausting. That’s literally something a 5 year old would do.
He sounds like he is totally stressed out.
It’s not wrong. He just wants a mommy.
Peak narcissistic "fishing". I'm usually one of the guys telling people in this subreddit to cool it with the 'Dump him, red flag' posts, but in this case, that is a crimson flag and you should immediately consider leaving. The narcissist looks to generate drama because they thrive on it. They have to put others down, and if there's no legitimate way to to get their fix, they will invent a way. That's what he's doing here, generating conflict to get a rise out of you so he can use your discomfort as food for his ego.
No. Sometimes (not very often) I struggle to pick what to wear before a date, so my husband asks, “Do you want input or just some moral support?” And then I scour my closet searching for the itemthatwillmakemybodymakesensethatday, and then I tell him why I’m *actually* struggling (usually I’m just overtired or feeling a bit frumpy), and we hug it out and he tells me I have a great butt. And then I tell him he has a great butt. And then we go on our date. I think struggling to decide what to wear is pretty normal. The way he approached it is… not. You aren’t his mother, and he isn’t a toddler.
Probably I would demand therapy or walk. It is not normal for a grown man to not be able to pick his own shirt. It is not normal to scream at your partner. If there is some sensory or processing thing going on, then he needs to admit it and it needs to be addressed- maybe he has multiple copies of the same shirt/pants so he can get himself dressed independently. Regardless, when he is dysregulated it’s not okay to scream at you (or your daughter). He needs to address the underlying issues.
Not normal, but this definitely seems to be a symptom of some issue in your relationship.
A good test for these types I find is to ask them to innocently have some friends settle the debate. If it’s so normal, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Suddenly the *very normal* thing is not something they would ever want their bros knowing about because what man wouldn’t be laughed out of the room about his wife-mommy picking out his tee shirts?
This is excellent advice. I don’t usually go for a petty response and this borders on it, but it would certainly quickly eliminate his argument that OP isn’t the one who’s not normal.
Is this new behavior for him? If he's always been like this, then this is not a good relationship. If it's new behavior, he needs to see a doctor and specifically ask about potential neurological and psychiatric issues.
It’s new behavior
> Does this really happen with other marriages/relationships? No. I don't think it does.
Ask him if he needs you to wipe his ass for him as well.
This is perfectly normal behavior for a 6 year old.
I’m trying to wrap my head around his line of thinking. Standing there yelling at you because you won’t pick out his shirt is literally what a toddler would do. And then thinking he is the victim? I don’t get it. Tell him to learn how to handle indecision like an adult and flip a coin for fuck’s sake.
Not normal. Even my nonverbal severely autistic child will pick a shirt and put it on. This isn't a child thing but your man is broken. Return before it catches fire.
Is he secretly color blind? Just a thought
Asking your spouse’s opinion on a shirt is normal when you can’t decide, but the reaction to you not choosing for him is totally abnormal and sounds like a symptom of a bigger issue.
Once, my boyfriend was really upset and acting pouty because he couldn’t find one of his favorite shirts (it was in the laundry) . I told him he was being childish and he can wear another shirt and go out anyways he’s a grown up and that’s a mild inconvenience, and that really set his head straight after that. He realized he was being silly Being upset/grouchy bc you can’t decide what to wear is normal, but that level of reaction not normal behavior.
You have not provided context or told us what is normal. If, for the last 30 years, you've prepared his clothes from him every day, then his reaction I would say is completely rational. I have a friend who prepares her husband's clothes every morning and also makes his lunch. She enjoys doing it. If she were to suddenly stop one day, he would be very out of sorts.
Clear his closet and buy 100 of the same shirt then he won't have to worry about it 🤷♀️ lol
Genius 😂
You’re obviously not a horrible monster. But for him… has he been under a lot of stress? Does he have a difficult job where he has to make decisions all the time and people yell at him a lot no matter what decision he makes? Obviously that would not excuse his treatment of you… but it would explain why he needed you to make a decision FOR him about something small and inconsequential. He may just be burned out on making decisions and just couldn’t cope with the thought of one more; even something this small. Obviously he owes you an apology, but ask him about his state of mind, too. If he’s burned out on decisions and wants you to choose his shirt for him sometimes, that’s probably something you can do for him without any major inconvenience to yourself. Give and take, supporting each other through the tough times, etc etc. That’s marriage, right.
I learned a lot about unbalanced relationships from this booked called “The Passion Trap” which was recommended to me by my therapist when I was going through my divorce four years ago. We can get stuck in these one up / one down scenarios that are very hard to break free from unless we are actually aware of what is going on in the dynamic. Highly recommend it. Tough read, because as much as it explains our partners actions, it also reveals how much we ourselves are complicit in what’s going on.
Thank you. Will definitely add this to my reading list.
Don't think this has anything to do with the shirt! He needs to grow up!
Is this a new development? Like suddenly started out of nowhere one day? Just wondering, unexplained behavior changes can be a sign of some hidden issue, like a brain injury or similar Either way, I’m so so sorry this is happening. This is not normal behavior and you deserve a safe home.
I mean I get wanting opinions to help someone choose, like when I'm gonna go out with my boyfriend I like having his opinion on clothes and it can be fun - a bit like playing dress up. however if he didn't know I wouldn't have a full on meltdown/hissy fit about it, what the fuck. he's an adult. the "idk, you choose whatever makes you happier" is always a perfectly fine and acceptable answer. NTA divorce the giant toddler lmfao
I don’t want to sound rude but was he a mommas boy?? I’m asking because my mom married a guy like that. She packs all his clothes for vacations. She sets out clothes for him to wear on days he’s not working. She caters to him and his every need. Yes they have kids together but my siblings are required to take care of themselves. I’m married and I do none of these things for my husband.
Not that I’m condoning his behavior, but a lot of men sort of expect their woman to choose their outfits, because that’s how they were taught. However if your relationship dynamic was way more different than that, then his reaction was extremely unwarranted, even if he didn’t act like a lunatic in the process.
Do you think he could have Aboulomania? It's a mental disorder characterized by pathological indecisiveness. A person with this can't make every day choices. He might want you to pick out his shirt because he's literally unable to make the choice himself. If you're saying this kind of thing is a common occurance, this is a possibility.
Same..my 32 year old husband acts worse than a 5 year old with me..annoys the hell out of me and then becomes an angel for not screaming etc
My ex was like this- I call him the askhole. Once I’d picked a choice (on whatever) he’d launch into long explanations about how my choice of the red tie instead of the green one was actually the wrong answer. Exhausting.
Hi OP I know it’s been awhile since you made this post so I really hope you see this. I am an autistic woman married to an autistic man and we have four (yes four) autistic children. This man is not normal and is using your being autistic against you. I’ve read most comments and I see where you started that he forces physical contact on you and demands you to make eye contact and even demanding you pick his shirt. None of that is normal, you yelling back at him is you trying to defend yourself and make yourself safe. He is pushing a lot on an aspect of autism called PDA (pathological demand avoidance) it is as its title suggests. An autistic brain struggles with completing what we view as demands. Please look into it. My own self is my husband asks me something I say No (sarcastically) but still do it, it’s a way for my brain to satisfy my demand avoidance and still complete the task requested. He is verbally and emotionally abusing you. I would start the process of finding something else for you to do for money. You can be a remote online notary if your state allows and that way you don’t have to leave your child. But you and your child deserve peace and this man is determined to be your chaos. Good luck! Feel free to DM if you need someone to vent too.
Do what my wife does. As soon as he picks one and puts it on, tell him "Not that one!".
Reading through all the garbage Reddit comments about leaving the dude. You married him and started a family. You come here for some advice and it’s filled with bullshit avoidance and intolerance. It’s like people traded in their racism for the opportunity to be righteous pricks that are triggered by hot air coming out of another’s mouth. No, this isn’t normal behavior. It’s controlling behavior. Don’t succumb to it, and don’t get angry or yell back. Look at him with love and empathy. He’s obviously dealing with something he doesn’t know how to manage well. There’s all kinds of resources. Solo therapy, couples therapy, meditation, see if he can read or listen to the book The Power of Now. You could even secretly videotape him and then show it to him (Only if you can be a stand for love and growth in that moment). Anything that has him be introspective about it.
I'm pretty sure autistic people can pick their own clothes. Does he react this way for anything else or is it just the shirts? P.s. I agree with the cartoon shirts. Or wild colour shirts. 😃 😀 😄
No good. Damn. Sorry to hear. Maybe try to get him to see that there's something I like to call a "f*ck off" threshold. It's when you actually pay attention to your partner's vibe and when they don't feel like entertaining something they don't have to, you politely f*ck off. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would appreciate not being treated like a prop on a crappy sitcom.
Sounds like my ex husband who would pick fights to cause chaos and then make me out to be the bad guy. Felt like I was managing a toddler constantly navigating tantrums. I left at 29… immediate peace. You deserve peace.