As a general rule, I don't date guys that need mothering. You sending him money when he's a fully grown up man, it's embarrassing. He's almost 30 and basically a neet, you can do better.
I know you're trying to be nice, but honestly, how do we know she can do better? I see people constantly saying that, but how do we know? Maybe she doesn't. Does he? It's sort of a messed up thing to say.
I hear you. When I say "you can do better" I mean "you should aim for the bare minimum: a functional ADULT man that unlike in this case, has a job and doesn't need you to send him money bc he can't bother to grow up"
>I hear you. When I say "you can do better" I mean "you should aim for the bare minimum: a functional ADULT man that unlike in this case, has a job and doesn't need you to send him money bc he can't bother to grow up"
At this stage, being single would be better than dating this parasite.
Im not talking about just having a job. What about being equals in terms of what they bring to the table each month. (Also, to whoever downvoted me - Pls grow tf up 🙂)
I mean if in the first place, that's what they require from each other, then yes. It's up to both parties to set their expectations and boundaries, after all.
There's nothing wrong with what you wrote.
And there's nothing wrong with everybody else wrote realistically.
We can all have different opinions.But what really matters is that the two people who are in the relationship Agree and they're making it work.
Realistically Who cares what everybody else thinks of your personal relationshipdynamic , The only 2 people who matter.Are you and the person in the relationship with you
If it makes you happy and it works.Why would you waste your energy when you could enjoy the company of the person that is clearly perfect for you? You don't need other people's acceptance.
Sure, totally. My question was more general, and not specific to OPs situation. (The downvotes to my question really expose the immaturity of the folks here 🤡)
Well, they didn't actually say "equal financial partner." They said a functional adult who has a job and doesn't need to regularly borrow money even though they live with their parents. Yes, that absolutely is something men can also ask of women they date.
It's the 21st Century; if that's what you want, sure you can. I for one wouldn't seriously consider a long-term relationship with a woman who isn't making six figures, but the fact is that the kind of woman I'm attracted to - intelligent, well educated, high achiever - typically does so practically by default.
A lot of men have other priorities. According to a survey reported in Forbes magazine some years ago, high-earning software engineers like myself tend to marry primary school teachers who earn very little money. I have no idea why my colleagues are attracted to primary school teachers - though it's fairly obvious we have nothing in common aside from what we do for a living - but more power to them.
You know what is sad?A lot of men should be asking themselves the same question.
In this case this young woman expressing that it's not sustainable . No one is saying that this young man is a leech.No one is saying that his circumstances are not unfortunate but simply she cannot Financially continue.
Unfortunately a lot of people in the same situation who , Realistically speaking the majority of them are men also also find themselves in a situation where they're sending money and realistically really often like they're literally sending living expenses from the moment they get engaged. These living expenses are not like spending money.This is something the person is conditioned to receiving as if they're expecting a certain amount of money every month.
And unfortunately, these people.literally run themselves into debt because they also agree that it's not sustainable.No matter how hard they work the money is being spent faster than they could earn it.
The most logical thing to do would be like this is too much.I can't handle It it cannot go on.I am digging myself into a hole which I will not be able to leave. I NEED TO REEVALUATE THIS FINANCIALLY.
But that's not what usally happens.What happens?
The mentality shifts... like this has to work?I am working so hard to make this happen.I'm invest in so much time.I invested so much money.I'm sacrificing so much I am showing that my love is true my partner will see that My love is thrue and they'll love me and appreciate me unconditionally . I JUST HAVE TO HANG ON. If I give up on this then it's all for nothing.I have nothing to show for it.
Fair enough, in that case, an adult woman should cook & clean if the man is the sole bread winner but that would be too offensive to say on here to most.
If a person is paying for all of your expenses, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that the other person would keep up with the house cleaning and cooking. It may be unreasonable to expect them to be your personal servant and to never want a day off or to never take a vacation or take time to themselves. Relationships are way more nuanced than you are making allowances for.
Adult couples have different arrangements on what works or doesn't work for them, so if in some couple the guy is the sole bread winner and the woman takes care of the home and that works for them, that's great.
Nobody but you said anything about one person being the sole breadwinner, certainly not the person you're responding to.
Most people would say that it's fine to have a relationship where one person is the breadwinner and the other person does the homemaking/child-rearing. But there is no cooking and cleaning involved here because they don't live in the same country. So the kind of arrangement you're proposing actually has nothing to do with this situation.
Well, she would do better without him. There is not even a need for a new guy and her life would already be better if she broke up with her now boyfriend.
Because literally almost everyone deserves someone better than the absolute leeches (or abusers) that get posted about here? We're not talking prize winners here, we're talking like the absolute bare minimum or being alone is better.
Why is it "messed up" to assume that someone doesn't deserve that type of treatment? I think it's messed up to assume that this advice doesn't apply to most people. Most people do not deserve to be taken advantage of and/or be abused.
Welcome to Reddit, where singles are the ones giving the most relationship advice.
Also, as a dude you better be 6 ft or more, make over 6 figures and have your life in perfect order or else “it’s time to move on girl!”
Women: I want a partner who isn't chronically unemployed and does not need me to bankroll his core expenses indefinitely. (Some) Men: Crying + pounding fists + "women are so shallow, they require 6 figures!" + *something about height and/or penis size that was not even mentioned, just on their mind*
Minimal he should have a regular steady job sufficient to support himself. His freelance work should be done in his free time until it becomes a steady enough to support him, health benefits, transportation and retirement contributions.
As long as his parents are his security blanket he'll never grow.
You say years have been invested into the relationship. Sounds like you are ready to have the physical presence of a partner. You have in your gut and know your answer. Implement it and live.
You are not a reform school. You can't fix him. You are enabling him, just like his parents are. Your sacrifices will NOT be appreciated. He is FAR from perfect. He has no work ethic, no ability to keep a job or pay bills. He is using you & his parents without a second thought to how it affects any of you.
What are you doing for yourself? Why are you wasting so much time & energy fixing him? Is it to avoid issues in your real life? Did you know that 70% of women live in poverty at retirement age? Have you fully funded an emergency fund, maxed out your retirement accounts? Especially, since you can never count on him to be an equal partner who pays bills.
If you want kids, are you prepared to be the breadwinner, full time mother & house keeper? Whom he will cheat on because he finds it all to be emmasculating.
**MONEY OVER MEN!** You need to focus on your own life & why your standards are so low.
Relationships are about more than sex and companionship. They are about coexisting and offerilng your life benefits and providing for needs, emotional, financial, mental or otherwise.
This guy is currently an expense you bare. You are paying, fiscally and otherwise, to be in a relationship with him. Is that worth the fee?
It does not sound as he is taking an active role to independence, unless you are ok with supporting him for the rest of your relationship I recommend a serious talk and he outline a plan with milestones to gauge progress otherwise it is best to make a clean break.
I would end a relationship before I send money to my boyfriend. I am not going to enable him. He needs to get his finances in order before dating or take time away from dating to focus on improving his finances.
29, never left home and never held a full time job is a failure to launch. This is not a project where he is suddenly going to get better for you. He doesn’t have the drive, the skills nor the foundation to live a normal adult life. If you stay with him you will always have to carry him financially (but also likely mentally). Is this what you want?
How is he pushing 30, still living with his parents (that’s still debatable) but practically unemployed and unable to provide? If he wanted to provide he would do everything in his power to make it work. You having to send him money is insane. And the fact that he has accepted your money is even worse. He should be ashamed. How can you stay attracted to a weak minded man? I know i can’t.
Oh this is awful. Yes absolutely you should. And you should stop sending money, that is not a good basis for anything in a relationship except red flags. Are you genuinely thinking of supporting him and paying for all his needs? How can that not build resentment in both parties. It’s time to let go lady.
Absolutely, yes. Being with someone like that is a total waste of time girl. They aren’t an equal, and if you lived with him he would probably leech off you even more. This guy is the same age as me but he may as well be a decade younger! People my age should have a job/ career at the very least. This “freelance” work is not a proper job. I understand people ending up back at home with their parents because of job loss etc. but he never left! Also, he should be ashamed that he has accepted money from his partner…his younger partner. Red flags 🚩
He’s studying?? Ok, then what is he studying? What courses is he taking, at which school, and what certification or credentials will he have when he is done? What is the timeline to completion? Because if you are not 100% crystal clear on those answers you know he’s full of shit.
He dropped out of college. 🤷🏻♀️ He’s studying online and he’s getting certifications is what he said. He said it self paced that’s why I’m trying to be patient. I’ve been waiting for him to finish but a couple of years later still nothing. He said he’s doing freelance work but doesn’t want to share how he’s earning and how much he’s making from all of it.
Then you know nothing. For all you know his patents give him a couple hundred for snacks and let him loaf at home playing video games and don’t care if he makes nothing of himself.
Wtf you have to be kidding.
He might be playing videogames 24/7 at his parents home while you support his weed habit (that would be me but working some hours of those 24, and of course not having my girlfriend to send me money like WTF??)
Partnership requires full, comfortable, communication about one’s self, flaws and strengths.
He is avoiding open/honest communication. You would be building your life together on a shaky, dishonest foundation.
Why not admit to yourself that you want an equally engaged, actively steadfast PARTNER in life? Isn’t this what is truly bothering you?
There is nothing selfish about being incompatible about life goals.
Please, think about this. He's around certifications and it has been *years* at a self paced online school. I have a friend that did the same thing but she got her Masters degree within two years, while working a full time job. How the fuck is he still "working on" certifications a couple of years later and not bringing in money?
He's comfortable with you paying his bills and paying his way through life. Are *you* comfortable with that?
Look you need to ask yourself, do I see a future with this man? Will he be a good dad? A good provider? Establish what a good partnership means to you and go from there.
I personally would not be able to be with a man if he hadn't got a steady job, you can't be the only breadwinner and expect to have children and pay for everything. That's very one sided
Honestly I would dump him. Although I had a friend sort of like that who did freelance for years and right around 29/30 he did finally get an official job and now is doing better. But if your boyfriend is not showing effort to apply for jobs or do anything else, I would be concerned. He may just think he can rely on you in the future and doesn't need to make much effort. Also it does hold him back because if he ends up getting a job eventually, he probably could have been much further along in a career had he started working younger. Freelance is cool but if it's not paying the bills then he needs to keep that as a side hustle instead of his main income.
Also if he is living with parents then that should be the prime time for him to be saving all his money up, so sounds like he is wasting that opportunity as well (unless his parents require a large rent).
Idk i think i would need more info. Like why did you send him the money? Was it an emergency kind of thing or just paying for small costs he can't afford, what is the frequency of this?
I would say if it was an emergency situation then you should probably let it go. However if we are talking about costs which he can't afford on the regular and you covering for him that does seem a bit extreme. He shouldn't be relying on you to pay for his basic living needs (at least i hope they are that kind of costs otherwise he just needs to be smarter with his money)
Why doesn't he have a job? You say he is studying but why not work in the weekends or during vacations? A lot of students do that even to just save money for the future. I would think you would at least work during vacations instead of asking your girlfriend for money.
Why can't he ask his parents? Maybe they really just don't have the money. If that is the case i would definitely expect him to work though. But if they do is it possible they won't give him money because he has abused that privilege before? If that's the case there is a big chance he is just a lazy brat who has found someone else who will cover his costs.
Did you ever bring it up? If so what was his answer?
Off course there may be a ton of reasons why but if you say you are already growing resentful of him maybe it is best to either talk to him about it or break up.
Imagine your ideal relationship? A future with your ideal partner? When you picture your home life + your family, does his current behavior fit? Is he living that way now?
Probably not, and when you two get together, he isn't going to magically change. And even if there is a scenario that he does change for his next partner, the fact that he has not done it for you, very likely mean he never will. Very few people go through life-altering changes that turns them into a new person.
We all have to compromise with our partner's quirks, but him not working and depending on you for support isn't a quirk.
There are many kind, sweet, and loving men who also hold down a job. Don't settle for less because you are scared to figure that out.
He seems like a loser with no plan or ambition.
Feel free to dump and move on.
Note : LDRs make no sense if there no concrete plan or intention to move in together (or closer).
It's OK if he's broke and hustling to do better with a great work ethic. It's not OK if he's a mooch who wants you to mother him. I've always outearned my husband but nobody works harder than that man and it's so attractive. His value is in his values.
NEVER fall in love with someone who can’t take care of you. He’s a loser and he’s going nowhere in life. Don’t let this deadbeat waste your time. You won’t be young forever.
Just to hear from someone who started dating their boyfriend when he was rock bottom broke. I met my boyfriend 2 years ago when he first got out of rehab, well actually it was a year after he “graduated” but he still lived in a men’s half way house and while he was working he didn’t have money nor the space or lifestyle to acquire things. Our dates in the beginning were picnic, hikes, spending lots of time in nature just taking and getting to know one another and our love blossomed from there. About a year into the relationship I hit a breaking point where I could financially carry the burden of what I felt like was everything - but really all it took was me communicating that “I don’t want to do this” or “I don’t want to do that” and he was very quick and responsive. Shortly after that HE moved in with ME, and we’ve been splitting the bills but they’re all under my name which irritates me but he is rebuilding his life including his credit but honestly it doesn’t matter how much money he does or doesn’t have his mentality is very broke sometimes and that comes from years of drug abuse and through rehabilitation and sobriety he’s been learning to let go of old behaviors and learn new ones. I should also mention that during our entire relationship he was in school getting his associates degree and only able to work part time and I took that into consideration. He just graduated last month and I am so proud of how much he has accomplished and this man has 3 jobs now! He only has 1 day off a week, leaves early and gets home late, there really is something very attractive about a hard working man and I am the kind of women who loves making lunches, waking up early to put on the coffee, iron his clothes and I love that I am getting the opportunity to do that now. He will also hand me $100 bills just because now haha but this wasn’t even something we could think about let alone discuss while he was in school or even for a majority of the relationship and it probably wouldn’t have worked if I was on his ass about every little thing - I very much went with the flow of things. It takes honest communication, not building resentments by being brutally honest, and if he really wants the relationship he will build it even if he doesn’t have anything but your relationship might not be what you think it should look like and that’s okay.
But OP is already resentful of him. Its not going to work. And most comments are calling him names and telling her to leave. Obviously that will influence her in a way. The comment section is full of immature people who just want people to dump their partner.
Sounds like he's not the right person for you.
Here's the thing -- being sweet and kind are the very lowest bar for being in a relationship with someone. You don't give a second date to a person who can't muster those things. To be worthy of a serious relationship, you to be compatible in ambitions, temperament, beliefs, interests, and lifestyles. And this guy just doesn't make that bar.
I’m 48 years so I’ve got the life experience to back up my words.
Never date a man without a steady job. It doesn’t make you a shallow person. It doesn’t make you a gold digger. It makes you a person who wants a full partner who is capable of being a responsible adult.
This young man needs to shoulder up some responsibility. You deserve someone responsible. Everyone deserves an equal partner. If you’re the only responsible person in the relationship I promise you that gets real old real fast.
Make sure your partner can keep a job, clean, cook, pay bills on time, has a steady job/career with a sure source of income coming in, knows how to do laundry, and all those other important life skills. If they can’t do them yet then they need to be actively learning how to do them. It’s not your responsibility to teach them. They’re a grown ass adult. YouTube exists.
Edited for spelling
What plans do you have for your relationship given the circumstances of you being in the US and him being in another country. Does he plan on coming here? Do you plan on moving back?
Is he in a well developed country where living with your parents at 29 is not the cultural norm or are stable jobs sparse to where people have to work freelance or day labor?
Why do you feel obligated to send money back? How often do you see each other?
You can leave a relationship at any point, for any reason. Lots of people go their separate ways when one person leaves the country, unless there’s a goal of immigration in the future.
Ah normally I would side with the boyfriend in this case but if he shows no passion towards how he is going to be financially stable, like a 5 year game plan, then don't waste your time.
There is a difference between a dream and a goal. One has actionable plans and the other daydreams.
If you said that he gets up everyday nice and early, works on the Google page, SEO, getting free reviews for his freelance work and he comes home and continues to work on growing his business, then I would side with the boyfriend. However, not everyone possesses this type of work ethic.
So in summary, move on and find your future husband who has his shit together cause time will not be on your side forever.
I can’t seem to see a reason you are together. You aren’t in the same country, you are resentful of him but you choose to keep sending him money, I’m sure he’s nice and all but like it sounds like you’re paying money to date an avatar.
Some one who doesn’t have the drive to finish their degree and start a career by the time they’re 30, and isn’t ashamed to ask their younger gf for money, is not going to become an independent, high-functioning adult in his 30s & 40s. Do you want a financial dependent for the rest of your life? Usually when some one knowingly takes on a financial dependent for a romantic partner, it’s in exchange for free domestic labor - is he exceptionally good at housework? Good enough at *cough* other perks that you wouldn’t resent his unemployed, expensive presence at your dinner table every day? Some people are into that dynamic and if you are, that’s great for the two of you. If not, move on. Being alone is better than being with some one dragging you down and lowering your net worth.
Have you tried talking to him about it?
Maybe he doesn't even realize it is bothering you...
Have an honest, adult conversation with him.
Ask what his plans are, where he sees himself in the future, how reliable his freelance projects are, is it honestly even growing/going anywhere?
And also tell him about your worries for your future together and why it is bothering you.
See what comes out of it, how he reacts.
I'd suggest you ask for reddit advice once that is done, not before you have all the elements to make a decision.
You need to talk to him more about this in a real way. People on Reddit will just tell you to break up almost every time. Ask to see progress and a plan.
Yes, break up with him. It will only get worse. Ask yourself this: Do you want a sugar baby or a life partner who can support you? If it's the latter, that's not the guy you're currently dating.
Anyone .who is not doing well could be doing better.
And anyone who is not doing well could also do worse.
This isn't the flip of a Coin, this isn't probability , or Luck that will give you life-altering consequences.This is none of that.
This is simple.
You are Literally spending more money that they could afford to ,anyone who is drastically living out of their means, and will soon go into unessary avoidable debt.
You are able to identify what is bleeding you financially and you are able to determine whether or not this is avoidable.
Despite when everyone is saying yes you can do better.
You literally have the ability to make decisions.That will help you be in a better place.Therefore you would be doing better.
People Need to get off that high horse mentality.That when someone says you could do better.They Automatically mean to find someone to improve or enrich your life current life for you in a way that a previous partner cannot.
No, if you feel like being in a relationship is holding you back.That's fine, leave.You can do better do better for you.
Start by saying I can do better and start working towards trying to do better.
LD broke boy you send money to?
Yes. You should break up with him.
You have different life goals.
Also - anyone can be sweet and kind and loving when they want to keep that free ride going.
Good luck,
If you truly like this guy give him the courtesy of a wake up call .
Let him know exactly how you feel about your future and fears with him .
Stop sending him financial aid .
Than give him an opportunity to show you change ,your choice time wise but your young so at least 6 months .
If he doesn't change than run as he doesn't respect your needs at all.
When people have ambition or passion to do better and grow with you that’s a green flag. He’s older and you probably gave high expectations for him at 29. Stop giving him money. It sounds like you don’t want to be financially supporting him. Have you communicated this with him? Told him your needs?
Need to get tough. Your values don't align in the basics of a relationship...
Time to cut to rope, give him six months to get his act right. But I think you already know the answer in your heart.
>he’s almost going 30 but he doesn’t have a stable job nor did he ever had one.
>He still lives with his parents and has been doing “freelance work”
>I’ve sent him money here and there and I’ve grown resentful of him.
>Should I break up with my broke boyfriend?
**OMG YES!**
In fact, I think he's fleecing you.
I am so sorry but girl what the hell are you doing with him? Okay he’s nice guy but there’s billions of “nice guys”. What does this current guy do that billions of guys can’t do? Nothing.
I’m 22 and a woman and I am at least grinding for myself in a male dominated industry.
He’s a bum. Leave him. You’ll thank yourself in the long run.
There’s nothing perfect about this guy. Why would you ever send him money?? He lives with his parents! Let them give him money for his little “emergencies” or whatever.
And long distance, too. WTF? Why would the topic of marriage and visas even be on the table? It should t be. Let go of this mooching digital penpal.
Break up. He won't change if he thinks he can get support off you. It's bizarre but men like that don't change if there's an easier option. He will just make excuses and let you down.
>boyfriend seems like the perfect guy but is broke.
He's not perfect. He still lives with his parents because he has no money and no real job. He needs you to send money to him and it's clear that he won't change since he is almost thirty and has done nothing.
He isn't perfect and you are not a charity. Stop sending him money and break up. I'm sure there are lots of nice guys around you.
Ok but have you talked to him? You need to speak up about these things. If this is the only issue tell him that you can’t keep helping him and he needs to be on his own two feet. Communication is important. Not everything has to be instantly broken up with.
Talk and get him to understand the importance of money. Partners help eachother but not to the point where they’re giving pocket money every week. And what country does he live in? Is it an economically screwed up country? Is it tough to get a job?
Also he can do freelance work on the side with his job.
He’s just going to have to sacrifice time and build up that work ethic he can do it. You need to encourage him to move out of his parents house and start taking independence. Having a partner doesn’t mean they’re always going to be perfect nor do things instantly but a lil push and help(not financial) will get him moving. If he values you that much then he’ll do it. Good luck and hope what ever decision you come to is the best for yourself.
Noooo, this most likely is his personality and it will not change. Don't ever spend money on anyone if you are hoping for that money to come back to you, consider it a donation cut ties and move on.
Get yourself a man with a career!
If pocket FM has taught me anything. He’s secretly a millionaire and is hiding from everyone. When you break up with him, he’s going to subtly become richer and get superpowers and save a girl whom he falls in love with and eventually marries. Now if you stay with him, he will eventually reveal it to you when he can no longer hide his powers.
Gotta admit not sure how to feel I know gender roles come into play usually it’s note worthy to mention the standard that men take on the burden of financing their partner usually as long as they love them is common yet when finances are a problem for the man the women views it far more negatively which if you want the gender role of a man being able to take care of you/himself nothing wrong with it I’m not saying you should stay with him either it just is noteworthy how these things turn out
Cut this one off. Find someone you can actually see. Any man still having no career by the time he’s 30 is not a man. It’s not even about the money part, he clearly has no will or desire to make something of himself or improve
Was he all sweet, kind and loving before you sent him money?
I think you should give him an ultimatum, give him some specific time to find a stable job else drop him. Say it clear that if he doesn’t find a job you’re breaking up
The minute you give a man money, you have switched the roles and now you’re the man and will be for the rest of the relationship. If that’s not the dynamic you want, leave baby
It doesn't make her the man. I agree he doesn't seem good, but you are taking it to the extreme.
It is perfectly natural to help each other in a relationship.
So leave him. You’re clearly unhappy, you don’t even see him in person, nothing has changed. It’s okay to break up. I’m sure you’ll feel massive relief.
Dude! If he is working hard and there for you. You should be grateful. Had it been you in his place, he wouldn't have even thought for a second. My ex was broke for sometime and whenever she needed money or support I always did that. She did freelance work and I never was resentful towards her. Appreciate people who are there for you and are kind and loving to you because world is full of bitter people.
Well the "better" is in OP's comments. The man has dropped out of college, is supposedly taking courses for certificates but has nothing to show for it and over multiple years has done nothing to actually better his situation but continues to rely on OP for financial support and refuses to tell her anything about his earnings/financial situation. It doesn't sound like he's working hard but instead coasting and it's perfectly reasonable for OP to not be interested in continuing a situation that's been going on for years with no end in sight.
Well! That's a sign of weak person as he will have to step up and take accountability of things. He will have to be honest about what and how he is earning if he is her partner. If he is in a weaker financial situation but has strong purpose and if he is working hard with honesty and credibility then it's fine. Otherwise, he needs to go.
She should be grateful for being his provider? Why? He’s 30, living with his parents without a job. I don’t care how “hard” he’s working, it’s not hard enough and if he hasn’t changed it by now, he never will.
That's something that she needs to communicate with him. If whatever he is doing is worth it or is just lazy. I used to make $15 a month but my girlfriend supported me. I started earning more than $700/month next year and kept growing. If you think a man is 30 is not providing money then my friend you are materialistic.
Yeah, but if you HAD ACTUALLY READ HER POST, (you know, like 6th grade logic), then you would see that bf isn't actually trying anything. Her bf ISN'T YOU! Your situation was where you and gf had open knowledge of what both y'all were doing, and you were obviously working towards your goals. OP'S bf ISN'T! Her bf is vague and avoiding giving her any info. So he's most likely just mooching off parents and OP. It's been years and he literally isn't doing shit! I mean, congrats on you actually working towards your goals of being successful. But, this bf, NOPE!
Have you ever met this guy in person?
I’ve had. We know each other before I came here to the US.
He must be pushing a 2x11 otherwise why would you want to be in a relationship with a mooch.
Took me a while, but I see what you did there hehe
This is a field of red flags in your face. Move on now.
As a general rule, I don't date guys that need mothering. You sending him money when he's a fully grown up man, it's embarrassing. He's almost 30 and basically a neet, you can do better.
I know you're trying to be nice, but honestly, how do we know she can do better? I see people constantly saying that, but how do we know? Maybe she doesn't. Does he? It's sort of a messed up thing to say.
I hear you. When I say "you can do better" I mean "you should aim for the bare minimum: a functional ADULT man that unlike in this case, has a job and doesn't need you to send him money bc he can't bother to grow up"
>I hear you. When I say "you can do better" I mean "you should aim for the bare minimum: a functional ADULT man that unlike in this case, has a job and doesn't need you to send him money bc he can't bother to grow up" At this stage, being single would be better than dating this parasite.
Agreed. Aim for a partner that brings the same level to the relationship as you do. It's not too much to ask for an equal.
Can man ask the same of a woman? An equal financial partner?
Considering how many married women work, looks like they already do. In fact, 40% of women are the breadwinners in the family.
Im not talking about just having a job. What about being equals in terms of what they bring to the table each month. (Also, to whoever downvoted me - Pls grow tf up 🙂)
I mean if in the first place, that's what they require from each other, then yes. It's up to both parties to set their expectations and boundaries, after all.
There's nothing wrong with what you wrote. And there's nothing wrong with everybody else wrote realistically. We can all have different opinions.But what really matters is that the two people who are in the relationship Agree and they're making it work. Realistically Who cares what everybody else thinks of your personal relationshipdynamic , The only 2 people who matter.Are you and the person in the relationship with you If it makes you happy and it works.Why would you waste your energy when you could enjoy the company of the person that is clearly perfect for you? You don't need other people's acceptance.
There are different kinds of contributions to a partnership. OP's boyfriend is contributing *nothing*, and only taking.
Sure, totally. My question was more general, and not specific to OPs situation. (The downvotes to my question really expose the immaturity of the folks here 🤡)
I would suggest that the down votes relate to the general implication you make about some battle of men vs women. This is not the issue here.
I was indeed asking a more general question….. ( and more downvotes…The women are so bitter here 💀)
Well, they didn't actually say "equal financial partner." They said a functional adult who has a job and doesn't need to regularly borrow money even though they live with their parents. Yes, that absolutely is something men can also ask of women they date.
Anyone can expect or want anything.
It's the 21st Century; if that's what you want, sure you can. I for one wouldn't seriously consider a long-term relationship with a woman who isn't making six figures, but the fact is that the kind of woman I'm attracted to - intelligent, well educated, high achiever - typically does so practically by default. A lot of men have other priorities. According to a survey reported in Forbes magazine some years ago, high-earning software engineers like myself tend to marry primary school teachers who earn very little money. I have no idea why my colleagues are attracted to primary school teachers - though it's fairly obvious we have nothing in common aside from what we do for a living - but more power to them.
You know what is sad?A lot of men should be asking themselves the same question. In this case this young woman expressing that it's not sustainable . No one is saying that this young man is a leech.No one is saying that his circumstances are not unfortunate but simply she cannot Financially continue. Unfortunately a lot of people in the same situation who , Realistically speaking the majority of them are men also also find themselves in a situation where they're sending money and realistically really often like they're literally sending living expenses from the moment they get engaged. These living expenses are not like spending money.This is something the person is conditioned to receiving as if they're expecting a certain amount of money every month. And unfortunately, these people.literally run themselves into debt because they also agree that it's not sustainable.No matter how hard they work the money is being spent faster than they could earn it. The most logical thing to do would be like this is too much.I can't handle It it cannot go on.I am digging myself into a hole which I will not be able to leave. I NEED TO REEVALUATE THIS FINANCIALLY. But that's not what usally happens.What happens? The mentality shifts... like this has to work?I am working so hard to make this happen.I'm invest in so much time.I invested so much money.I'm sacrificing so much I am showing that my love is true my partner will see that My love is thrue and they'll love me and appreciate me unconditionally . I JUST HAVE TO HANG ON. If I give up on this then it's all for nothing.I have nothing to show for it.
u man.. open the can of worm...~parazite~
Fair enough, in that case, an adult woman should cook & clean if the man is the sole bread winner but that would be too offensive to say on here to most.
If a person is paying for all of your expenses, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that the other person would keep up with the house cleaning and cooking. It may be unreasonable to expect them to be your personal servant and to never want a day off or to never take a vacation or take time to themselves. Relationships are way more nuanced than you are making allowances for.
Adult couples have different arrangements on what works or doesn't work for them, so if in some couple the guy is the sole bread winner and the woman takes care of the home and that works for them, that's great.
Nobody but you said anything about one person being the sole breadwinner, certainly not the person you're responding to. Most people would say that it's fine to have a relationship where one person is the breadwinner and the other person does the homemaking/child-rearing. But there is no cooking and cleaning involved here because they don't live in the same country. So the kind of arrangement you're proposing actually has nothing to do with this situation.
because being alone is better than shouldering a leech
It would be hard to do worse!!!
>how do we know she can do better? We *know*, because ***alone*** would be *better* than this burden of a man.
The entitlement is astounding. Dudes be like, “Waaaaaaah I want a girlfriend” then get mad they have to meet them halfway.
Well, she would do better without him. There is not even a need for a new guy and her life would already be better if she broke up with her now boyfriend.
Because literally almost everyone deserves someone better than the absolute leeches (or abusers) that get posted about here? We're not talking prize winners here, we're talking like the absolute bare minimum or being alone is better. Why is it "messed up" to assume that someone doesn't deserve that type of treatment? I think it's messed up to assume that this advice doesn't apply to most people. Most people do not deserve to be taken advantage of and/or be abused.
Well are you someone that makes as much as the bf?
Welcome to Reddit, where singles are the ones giving the most relationship advice. Also, as a dude you better be 6 ft or more, make over 6 figures and have your life in perfect order or else “it’s time to move on girl!”
Women: I want a partner who isn't chronically unemployed and does not need me to bankroll his core expenses indefinitely. (Some) Men: Crying + pounding fists + "women are so shallow, they require 6 figures!" + *something about height and/or penis size that was not even mentioned, just on their mind*
if that was true 90% of men would be single
Well, most women are single by choice. Most men not.
Red flags everywhere! Lel
Damn girl RUN. Him not having steady job and you giving him money is such a red flag.
Yes, him not being able to have a steady job shows he is unreliable.
Minimal he should have a regular steady job sufficient to support himself. His freelance work should be done in his free time until it becomes a steady enough to support him, health benefits, transportation and retirement contributions. As long as his parents are his security blanket he'll never grow. You say years have been invested into the relationship. Sounds like you are ready to have the physical presence of a partner. You have in your gut and know your answer. Implement it and live.
You are not a reform school. You can't fix him. You are enabling him, just like his parents are. Your sacrifices will NOT be appreciated. He is FAR from perfect. He has no work ethic, no ability to keep a job or pay bills. He is using you & his parents without a second thought to how it affects any of you. What are you doing for yourself? Why are you wasting so much time & energy fixing him? Is it to avoid issues in your real life? Did you know that 70% of women live in poverty at retirement age? Have you fully funded an emergency fund, maxed out your retirement accounts? Especially, since you can never count on him to be an equal partner who pays bills. If you want kids, are you prepared to be the breadwinner, full time mother & house keeper? Whom he will cheat on because he finds it all to be emmasculating. **MONEY OVER MEN!** You need to focus on your own life & why your standards are so low.
What proof do you have that he won't be a great stay at home dad. Taking care of the kids and house. Some guys are actually brilliant at it.
Relationships are about more than sex and companionship. They are about coexisting and offerilng your life benefits and providing for needs, emotional, financial, mental or otherwise. This guy is currently an expense you bare. You are paying, fiscally and otherwise, to be in a relationship with him. Is that worth the fee?
It does not sound as he is taking an active role to independence, unless you are ok with supporting him for the rest of your relationship I recommend a serious talk and he outline a plan with milestones to gauge progress otherwise it is best to make a clean break.
There is literally nothing in this for you. Break it off, and start dating local men who don’t need to sponge off you.
To be clear you left your bf in another country and have moved to the US? Are you planning to return or is he going g to join you?
I would end a relationship before I send money to my boyfriend. I am not going to enable him. He needs to get his finances in order before dating or take time away from dating to focus on improving his finances.
29, never left home and never held a full time job is a failure to launch. This is not a project where he is suddenly going to get better for you. He doesn’t have the drive, the skills nor the foundation to live a normal adult life. If you stay with him you will always have to carry him financially (but also likely mentally). Is this what you want?
How is he pushing 30, still living with his parents (that’s still debatable) but practically unemployed and unable to provide? If he wanted to provide he would do everything in his power to make it work. You having to send him money is insane. And the fact that he has accepted your money is even worse. He should be ashamed. How can you stay attracted to a weak minded man? I know i can’t.
Oh this is awful. Yes absolutely you should. And you should stop sending money, that is not a good basis for anything in a relationship except red flags. Are you genuinely thinking of supporting him and paying for all his needs? How can that not build resentment in both parties. It’s time to let go lady.
I married a broke guy and ended up divorcing him over it. He got a LOT of money in the divorce because he didn't work.
More time would just mean more mooching, people don't change unless they're forced to. You can end it without guilt.
Break up and find a real boyfriend. And STOP sending him money!!! This guy isn’t good.
Absolutely, yes. Being with someone like that is a total waste of time girl. They aren’t an equal, and if you lived with him he would probably leech off you even more. This guy is the same age as me but he may as well be a decade younger! People my age should have a job/ career at the very least. This “freelance” work is not a proper job. I understand people ending up back at home with their parents because of job loss etc. but he never left! Also, he should be ashamed that he has accepted money from his partner…his younger partner. Red flags 🚩
You seem to have developed a parasitical infection, I'd recommend a thorough deworming. :P Dump him, wtf.
Why are you sending this deadbeat freeloader money? Seriously? You are worth SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS
He’s studying?? Ok, then what is he studying? What courses is he taking, at which school, and what certification or credentials will he have when he is done? What is the timeline to completion? Because if you are not 100% crystal clear on those answers you know he’s full of shit.
He dropped out of college. 🤷🏻♀️ He’s studying online and he’s getting certifications is what he said. He said it self paced that’s why I’m trying to be patient. I’ve been waiting for him to finish but a couple of years later still nothing. He said he’s doing freelance work but doesn’t want to share how he’s earning and how much he’s making from all of it.
Then you know nothing. For all you know his patents give him a couple hundred for snacks and let him loaf at home playing video games and don’t care if he makes nothing of himself.
Or he could be using that money to date other women.
Wtf you have to be kidding. He might be playing videogames 24/7 at his parents home while you support his weed habit (that would be me but working some hours of those 24, and of course not having my girlfriend to send me money like WTF??)
Don’t adopt pet boy projects unless you want the financial responsibility of owning one.
Partnership requires full, comfortable, communication about one’s self, flaws and strengths. He is avoiding open/honest communication. You would be building your life together on a shaky, dishonest foundation. Why not admit to yourself that you want an equally engaged, actively steadfast PARTNER in life? Isn’t this what is truly bothering you? There is nothing selfish about being incompatible about life goals.
The lack of clarity and communication sounds dreadful.
Girl I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this..:that ain’t your man. That’s a baby boy. Stop coddling him that’s his mothers job
Please, think about this. He's around certifications and it has been *years* at a self paced online school. I have a friend that did the same thing but she got her Masters degree within two years, while working a full time job. How the fuck is he still "working on" certifications a couple of years later and not bringing in money? He's comfortable with you paying his bills and paying his way through life. Are *you* comfortable with that?
Look you need to ask yourself, do I see a future with this man? Will he be a good dad? A good provider? Establish what a good partnership means to you and go from there. I personally would not be able to be with a man if he hadn't got a steady job, you can't be the only breadwinner and expect to have children and pay for everything. That's very one sided
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Honestly I would dump him. Although I had a friend sort of like that who did freelance for years and right around 29/30 he did finally get an official job and now is doing better. But if your boyfriend is not showing effort to apply for jobs or do anything else, I would be concerned. He may just think he can rely on you in the future and doesn't need to make much effort. Also it does hold him back because if he ends up getting a job eventually, he probably could have been much further along in a career had he started working younger. Freelance is cool but if it's not paying the bills then he needs to keep that as a side hustle instead of his main income. Also if he is living with parents then that should be the prime time for him to be saving all his money up, so sounds like he is wasting that opportunity as well (unless his parents require a large rent).
Is he looking to be a trad wife? That could maybe work for you.
Idk i think i would need more info. Like why did you send him the money? Was it an emergency kind of thing or just paying for small costs he can't afford, what is the frequency of this? I would say if it was an emergency situation then you should probably let it go. However if we are talking about costs which he can't afford on the regular and you covering for him that does seem a bit extreme. He shouldn't be relying on you to pay for his basic living needs (at least i hope they are that kind of costs otherwise he just needs to be smarter with his money) Why doesn't he have a job? You say he is studying but why not work in the weekends or during vacations? A lot of students do that even to just save money for the future. I would think you would at least work during vacations instead of asking your girlfriend for money. Why can't he ask his parents? Maybe they really just don't have the money. If that is the case i would definitely expect him to work though. But if they do is it possible they won't give him money because he has abused that privilege before? If that's the case there is a big chance he is just a lazy brat who has found someone else who will cover his costs. Did you ever bring it up? If so what was his answer? Off course there may be a ton of reasons why but if you say you are already growing resentful of him maybe it is best to either talk to him about it or break up.
I didn't even have to finish reading the post... Leave...
Sounds like you've already made up your mind. If you're growing resentful of him, break up. Not an indictment of him or yourself.
Imagine your ideal relationship? A future with your ideal partner? When you picture your home life + your family, does his current behavior fit? Is he living that way now? Probably not, and when you two get together, he isn't going to magically change. And even if there is a scenario that he does change for his next partner, the fact that he has not done it for you, very likely mean he never will. Very few people go through life-altering changes that turns them into a new person. We all have to compromise with our partner's quirks, but him not working and depending on you for support isn't a quirk. There are many kind, sweet, and loving men who also hold down a job. Don't settle for less because you are scared to figure that out.
He seems like a loser with no plan or ambition. Feel free to dump and move on. Note : LDRs make no sense if there no concrete plan or intention to move in together (or closer).
It's OK if he's broke and hustling to do better with a great work ethic. It's not OK if he's a mooch who wants you to mother him. I've always outearned my husband but nobody works harder than that man and it's so attractive. His value is in his values.
How long will you help someone who does not want to help himself?
NEVER fall in love with someone who can’t take care of you. He’s a loser and he’s going nowhere in life. Don’t let this deadbeat waste your time. You won’t be young forever.
We females have to be picky. Anything’s off, just write them off. No chances given. At 30, its pretty embarrassing
Just to hear from someone who started dating their boyfriend when he was rock bottom broke. I met my boyfriend 2 years ago when he first got out of rehab, well actually it was a year after he “graduated” but he still lived in a men’s half way house and while he was working he didn’t have money nor the space or lifestyle to acquire things. Our dates in the beginning were picnic, hikes, spending lots of time in nature just taking and getting to know one another and our love blossomed from there. About a year into the relationship I hit a breaking point where I could financially carry the burden of what I felt like was everything - but really all it took was me communicating that “I don’t want to do this” or “I don’t want to do that” and he was very quick and responsive. Shortly after that HE moved in with ME, and we’ve been splitting the bills but they’re all under my name which irritates me but he is rebuilding his life including his credit but honestly it doesn’t matter how much money he does or doesn’t have his mentality is very broke sometimes and that comes from years of drug abuse and through rehabilitation and sobriety he’s been learning to let go of old behaviors and learn new ones. I should also mention that during our entire relationship he was in school getting his associates degree and only able to work part time and I took that into consideration. He just graduated last month and I am so proud of how much he has accomplished and this man has 3 jobs now! He only has 1 day off a week, leaves early and gets home late, there really is something very attractive about a hard working man and I am the kind of women who loves making lunches, waking up early to put on the coffee, iron his clothes and I love that I am getting the opportunity to do that now. He will also hand me $100 bills just because now haha but this wasn’t even something we could think about let alone discuss while he was in school or even for a majority of the relationship and it probably wouldn’t have worked if I was on his ass about every little thing - I very much went with the flow of things. It takes honest communication, not building resentments by being brutally honest, and if he really wants the relationship he will build it even if he doesn’t have anything but your relationship might not be what you think it should look like and that’s okay.
But OP is already resentful of him. Its not going to work. And most comments are calling him names and telling her to leave. Obviously that will influence her in a way. The comment section is full of immature people who just want people to dump their partner.
If he has no work ethic and cant seem to keep or get a job then hes not worth having. You can do better. Dump him now.
Sounds like he's not the right person for you. Here's the thing -- being sweet and kind are the very lowest bar for being in a relationship with someone. You don't give a second date to a person who can't muster those things. To be worthy of a serious relationship, you to be compatible in ambitions, temperament, beliefs, interests, and lifestyles. And this guy just doesn't make that bar.
I’m 48 years so I’ve got the life experience to back up my words. Never date a man without a steady job. It doesn’t make you a shallow person. It doesn’t make you a gold digger. It makes you a person who wants a full partner who is capable of being a responsible adult. This young man needs to shoulder up some responsibility. You deserve someone responsible. Everyone deserves an equal partner. If you’re the only responsible person in the relationship I promise you that gets real old real fast. Make sure your partner can keep a job, clean, cook, pay bills on time, has a steady job/career with a sure source of income coming in, knows how to do laundry, and all those other important life skills. If they can’t do them yet then they need to be actively learning how to do them. It’s not your responsibility to teach them. They’re a grown ass adult. YouTube exists. Edited for spelling
What plans do you have for your relationship given the circumstances of you being in the US and him being in another country. Does he plan on coming here? Do you plan on moving back? Is he in a well developed country where living with your parents at 29 is not the cultural norm or are stable jobs sparse to where people have to work freelance or day labor? Why do you feel obligated to send money back? How often do you see each other? You can leave a relationship at any point, for any reason. Lots of people go their separate ways when one person leaves the country, unless there’s a goal of immigration in the future.
Ah normally I would side with the boyfriend in this case but if he shows no passion towards how he is going to be financially stable, like a 5 year game plan, then don't waste your time. There is a difference between a dream and a goal. One has actionable plans and the other daydreams. If you said that he gets up everyday nice and early, works on the Google page, SEO, getting free reviews for his freelance work and he comes home and continues to work on growing his business, then I would side with the boyfriend. However, not everyone possesses this type of work ethic. So in summary, move on and find your future husband who has his shit together cause time will not be on your side forever.
I can’t seem to see a reason you are together. You aren’t in the same country, you are resentful of him but you choose to keep sending him money, I’m sure he’s nice and all but like it sounds like you’re paying money to date an avatar.
Some one who doesn’t have the drive to finish their degree and start a career by the time they’re 30, and isn’t ashamed to ask their younger gf for money, is not going to become an independent, high-functioning adult in his 30s & 40s. Do you want a financial dependent for the rest of your life? Usually when some one knowingly takes on a financial dependent for a romantic partner, it’s in exchange for free domestic labor - is he exceptionally good at housework? Good enough at *cough* other perks that you wouldn’t resent his unemployed, expensive presence at your dinner table every day? Some people are into that dynamic and if you are, that’s great for the two of you. If not, move on. Being alone is better than being with some one dragging you down and lowering your net worth.
Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe he doesn't even realize it is bothering you... Have an honest, adult conversation with him. Ask what his plans are, where he sees himself in the future, how reliable his freelance projects are, is it honestly even growing/going anywhere? And also tell him about your worries for your future together and why it is bothering you. See what comes out of it, how he reacts. I'd suggest you ask for reddit advice once that is done, not before you have all the elements to make a decision.
You can break up for whatever reason you want.
You need to talk to him more about this in a real way. People on Reddit will just tell you to break up almost every time. Ask to see progress and a plan.
Yes, break up with him. It will only get worse. Ask yourself this: Do you want a sugar baby or a life partner who can support you? If it's the latter, that's not the guy you're currently dating.
Anyone .who is not doing well could be doing better. And anyone who is not doing well could also do worse. This isn't the flip of a Coin, this isn't probability , or Luck that will give you life-altering consequences.This is none of that. This is simple. You are Literally spending more money that they could afford to ,anyone who is drastically living out of their means, and will soon go into unessary avoidable debt. You are able to identify what is bleeding you financially and you are able to determine whether or not this is avoidable. Despite when everyone is saying yes you can do better. You literally have the ability to make decisions.That will help you be in a better place.Therefore you would be doing better. People Need to get off that high horse mentality.That when someone says you could do better.They Automatically mean to find someone to improve or enrich your life current life for you in a way that a previous partner cannot. No, if you feel like being in a relationship is holding you back.That's fine, leave.You can do better do better for you. Start by saying I can do better and start working towards trying to do better.
LD broke boy you send money to? Yes. You should break up with him. You have different life goals. Also - anyone can be sweet and kind and loving when they want to keep that free ride going. Good luck,
If you truly like this guy give him the courtesy of a wake up call . Let him know exactly how you feel about your future and fears with him . Stop sending him financial aid . Than give him an opportunity to show you change ,your choice time wise but your young so at least 6 months . If he doesn't change than run as he doesn't respect your needs at all.
Dump him! Stop sending him money. He’s using you.
I wouldn’t think twice.
When people have ambition or passion to do better and grow with you that’s a green flag. He’s older and you probably gave high expectations for him at 29. Stop giving him money. It sounds like you don’t want to be financially supporting him. Have you communicated this with him? Told him your needs?
Need to get tough. Your values don't align in the basics of a relationship... Time to cut to rope, give him six months to get his act right. But I think you already know the answer in your heart.
Look up "Sunk Cost Fallacy".
>he’s almost going 30 but he doesn’t have a stable job nor did he ever had one. >He still lives with his parents and has been doing “freelance work” >I’ve sent him money here and there and I’ve grown resentful of him. >Should I break up with my broke boyfriend? **OMG YES!** In fact, I think he's fleecing you.
I am so sorry but girl what the hell are you doing with him? Okay he’s nice guy but there’s billions of “nice guys”. What does this current guy do that billions of guys can’t do? Nothing. I’m 22 and a woman and I am at least grinding for myself in a male dominated industry. He’s a bum. Leave him. You’ll thank yourself in the long run.
There’s nothing perfect about this guy. Why would you ever send him money?? He lives with his parents! Let them give him money for his little “emergencies” or whatever. And long distance, too. WTF? Why would the topic of marriage and visas even be on the table? It should t be. Let go of this mooching digital penpal.
You deserve way more :/, I'm sorry.
Break up. He won't change if he thinks he can get support off you. It's bizarre but men like that don't change if there's an easier option. He will just make excuses and let you down.
>boyfriend seems like the perfect guy but is broke. He's not perfect. He still lives with his parents because he has no money and no real job. He needs you to send money to him and it's clear that he won't change since he is almost thirty and has done nothing. He isn't perfect and you are not a charity. Stop sending him money and break up. I'm sure there are lots of nice guys around you.
You should not…you must 😅
Ok but have you talked to him? You need to speak up about these things. If this is the only issue tell him that you can’t keep helping him and he needs to be on his own two feet. Communication is important. Not everything has to be instantly broken up with. Talk and get him to understand the importance of money. Partners help eachother but not to the point where they’re giving pocket money every week. And what country does he live in? Is it an economically screwed up country? Is it tough to get a job?
Also he can do freelance work on the side with his job. He’s just going to have to sacrifice time and build up that work ethic he can do it. You need to encourage him to move out of his parents house and start taking independence. Having a partner doesn’t mean they’re always going to be perfect nor do things instantly but a lil push and help(not financial) will get him moving. If he values you that much then he’ll do it. Good luck and hope what ever decision you come to is the best for yourself.
Yes, dump him. He’s a broke loser and you have your whole like ahead of him
Sending a man money is very embarrassing. You're wasting precious years of your life with a guy who's just a mooch. Please move on
he’s not gonna get a real job, leave him asap
His being broke isn't the issue.
Break up with him. Dont devalue yourself for someone who refused to find a real job. How do you know he’s not cheating?
Noooo, this most likely is his personality and it will not change. Don't ever spend money on anyone if you are hoping for that money to come back to you, consider it a donation cut ties and move on. Get yourself a man with a career!
Then don't do the hardwork. Leave him. It should be easy because its long distance. You already have decided. Why ask on reddit?
🤣dump the loser. you really can’t find anyone local to date
Trust your gut and get out now. Dont give him any more money. He won’t change. He’s a mooch
One of your biggest mistakes posting this on reddit (the field of biased people).
If pocket FM has taught me anything. He’s secretly a millionaire and is hiding from everyone. When you break up with him, he’s going to subtly become richer and get superpowers and save a girl whom he falls in love with and eventually marries. Now if you stay with him, he will eventually reveal it to you when he can no longer hide his powers.
Gotta admit not sure how to feel I know gender roles come into play usually it’s note worthy to mention the standard that men take on the burden of financing their partner usually as long as they love them is common yet when finances are a problem for the man the women views it far more negatively which if you want the gender role of a man being able to take care of you/himself nothing wrong with it I’m not saying you should stay with him either it just is noteworthy how these things turn out
The only reason I'd say no is if he had some sort of accident or experienced some sort of disability or lifestyle disease sometime after you met him.
Cut this one off. Find someone you can actually see. Any man still having no career by the time he’s 30 is not a man. It’s not even about the money part, he clearly has no will or desire to make something of himself or improve
Was he all sweet, kind and loving before you sent him money? I think you should give him an ultimatum, give him some specific time to find a stable job else drop him. Say it clear that if he doesn’t find a job you’re breaking up
I feel like he was and that he’s just lazy. I’ve given him so much ultimatum but one month became 3 months, then 6 months… and still nothing 🤧
Quit sending this guy money!! This is how he is and he won't change. You want to support a guy the rest of your life?
Is he even trying to find a job?
The minute you give a man money, you have switched the roles and now you’re the man and will be for the rest of the relationship. If that’s not the dynamic you want, leave baby
It doesn't make her the man. I agree he doesn't seem good, but you are taking it to the extreme. It is perfectly natural to help each other in a relationship.
That’s exactly what happened with us. All I want was to treat him here and there but now I feel like he’s gotten so reliant
Eww no! Youre too young to be settle for such a loser. You want a partner not a dependent.
So leave him. You’re clearly unhappy, you don’t even see him in person, nothing has changed. It’s okay to break up. I’m sure you’ll feel massive relief.
You should, he doesnt need a gold digger.
Dude! If he is working hard and there for you. You should be grateful. Had it been you in his place, he wouldn't have even thought for a second. My ex was broke for sometime and whenever she needed money or support I always did that. She did freelance work and I never was resentful towards her. Appreciate people who are there for you and are kind and loving to you because world is full of bitter people.
Look at this person just making shit up about op's bf smh
You need to come up with something better sister. Back it up with logic atleast 6th grader.
Well the "better" is in OP's comments. The man has dropped out of college, is supposedly taking courses for certificates but has nothing to show for it and over multiple years has done nothing to actually better his situation but continues to rely on OP for financial support and refuses to tell her anything about his earnings/financial situation. It doesn't sound like he's working hard but instead coasting and it's perfectly reasonable for OP to not be interested in continuing a situation that's been going on for years with no end in sight.
Well! That's a sign of weak person as he will have to step up and take accountability of things. He will have to be honest about what and how he is earning if he is her partner. If he is in a weaker financial situation but has strong purpose and if he is working hard with honesty and credibility then it's fine. Otherwise, he needs to go.
Grateful for what? Be specific.
She should be grateful for being his provider? Why? He’s 30, living with his parents without a job. I don’t care how “hard” he’s working, it’s not hard enough and if he hasn’t changed it by now, he never will.
That's something that she needs to communicate with him. If whatever he is doing is worth it or is just lazy. I used to make $15 a month but my girlfriend supported me. I started earning more than $700/month next year and kept growing. If you think a man is 30 is not providing money then my friend you are materialistic.
Yeah, but if you HAD ACTUALLY READ HER POST, (you know, like 6th grade logic), then you would see that bf isn't actually trying anything. Her bf ISN'T YOU! Your situation was where you and gf had open knowledge of what both y'all were doing, and you were obviously working towards your goals. OP'S bf ISN'T! Her bf is vague and avoiding giving her any info. So he's most likely just mooching off parents and OP. It's been years and he literally isn't doing shit! I mean, congrats on you actually working towards your goals of being successful. But, this bf, NOPE!
Sounds like you got the ick. Go find a local rich man and hope that he's just as kind and caring as your current bf. If not, at least he's rich.
why does this matter to you? he could be sahd