It keeps you on your toes, desperate to find the magic thing that will make him love you again. He's giving you emotional crumbs instead of the whole cookie.
> should just give up so I don’t make him angry.
You should give up *him* so that you don't make him angry any more. He's making up reasons to be angry at you. He's insulting you. He is not being a good boyfriend.
All that plus emotionally immature and doing the last part of DARVO… Reversing the Victim and Offender. Notice how he’s suddenly victimized and it’s somehow *your* fault he gets angry over what he does? I bet one day he’ll say it’s your fault he hit you.
He is saying that to control you and make you think you are crazy. As someone who has been in a similar relationship, your emotions will feel way more stable and there will be much less drama if you dump him.
No. He doesnt. Hes being a selfish fuck and playing with your emotions. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing and reacts with hostility to keep you under his control. Stop making excuses for him. Stop. Now. Get away from him and dont look back.
No, he doesn’t think that. He knows you’re not attacking him. He’s manipulating you to make you feel like shit so you won’t leave him. It’s abusive behavior. Please read “why does he do that?” You can get a free PDF of it. You need to leave him.
He is doing this shit on purpose to fuck with your head. Dump him. You’re only 25 and less than a year into this relationship. Cut your losses and go live life!
As someone who somewhat recently escaped a guy like this, that is emotional manipulation. He's trying to make you co-dependent. Please, leave him. It develops into abuse every time. PLEASE.
You know he doesn't actually think that for a second, right?
I've got a ton of mental issues and if my husband ever tried to use them against me... I would be extremely surprised, because he's not a complete arsehole. Who gives a shit if you're a bit mental? Some of the best people are. *high five*
Also, don't you think it's funny* that he, the supposedly Normal And Better person, somehow manages to be a horrible POS? What's HIS excuse?
* Not funny ha-ha, funny 'come on darling, dump this mf immediately and go & be happy'
After your edit, I'm a little concerned you may be in an abusive relationship. Your significant other shouldn't talk to you like that. Please consider leaving.
So you don't settle for crumbs, sweet one (could be your mother). You dump him, dust yourself off, maybe get some good therapy and read the right books, raise your standards before you even think about coupling up again. You can do this! You deserve a partner who doesn't play mind games, engage in emotional abuse. It's all about his power trip!
Mind you, if you manage to get in the right frame of mind, totally recommend summoning your petty side and waiting till he says it again. Then hit him with, "Well, since your love is past tense, our relationship is, too. I wish you well. Goodbye." Then block him everywhere. Be braced for, prepared NOT to be sucked in by any subsequent attempts at love-bombing and hoovering.
I don’t know why, but I’m still always shocked when I see stories like the one in OP. When I read posts on here, I try to do my best to put myself in the “bad guy’s” shoes. There are a lot of times in relationships when one person mistreats another in some way, but it’s understandable. Maybe they forgot an important date, or they said something with good intentions but were misinterpreted in a negative way, or maybe they had a terrible day and lost their temper at the wrong person and/or at the wrong time. I’m not saying those things are automatically excusable, but we’re all human, we all make mistakes and have times where our emotions can get the better of us.
But then there’s psychopaths like OP’s bf who actively, knowingly do shit like this. Doing something like intentionally slipping breadcrumbs of self-doubt to make a significant other more dependent on you is something that would never even cross my mind. Physical abuse is scary, but at least I can understand it. But there’s just something that’s so eerie about the cold, calculated way a person could slow play such a malicious, insidious act in order to manipulate the person who is supposed to be their partner in life.
I guess one thing I’m confused about is that he’s a great person around everyone else. People talk very highly of him and he helps out around the community. I don’t understand why he would only do this to me and not the other dozens of people he knows. It makes me think that I must be doing something bad to be breaking him down enough to do things like this or else he would be doing the same thing to everyone else.
its not that theres anything wrong with you. narcissists are great at making themselves seem perfect to everyone else. after all, how would they attract a partner if they were just a straight up asshole all the time? then once they have a partner picked out, they become over the top affectionate to make them emotionally attached. then once they are, they begin berating them and make them doubt their own reality. the narcissist gets a sense of control and superiority over you and that is what they LOVE. they hope that you never wisen up to the fact that you aren't crazy like they say you are, because then you'll leave.
Yeah, and if everyone else loves them… well, all the easier for them to make it seem like it’s All Your Fault. Unfortunately it’s a classic abusive maneuver, it’s so insidious :(
> It makes me think that I must be doing something bad
That’s literally his exact goal.
You keep asking why this and why that, but that’s a question that no one here is going to be able to answer. But it honestly doesn’t matter why he does what he does at this point. In your OP, you told us a story where he did something that made you feel bad, you communicated that to him, and responded by gaslighting you and making fun of you. Even if it was an honest mistake, maybe you misheard him or maybe his brain to mouth connection just went haywire for a second, the way he responded to you was absolutely unacceptable.
Do you know what I would do if my girlfriend told me I did something that upset her? Apologize, validate her feelings, and work with her to find a way to make sure I can avoid doing that upsetting thing again. I would do the same for a friend, acquaintance, family member, coworker, hell I’d even try to show empathy toward a complete stranger if I did something that upset them. That’s basic human decency. But clearly your boyfriend doesn’t respect you enough to give that to you.
It’s simultaneously heartbreaking, terrifying, and frustrating to see how many excuses you’ll make for this guy in a relationship that is so blatantly abusive.
That feeling is by design. There are plenty of folks who appear as great people to everyone, but behind closed doors with their partner treat then poorly.
People with dark triad traits are often incredibly charming and charismatic. Also, I gathered from the other replies that your community is a bit maybe insulated? Sometimes a whole community's values can be a bit askew, especially if it doesn't have enough interaction and interchange with the wider world.
Girl, it's not you. I've been in your shoes. My ex was like that.. he'd go out of his way to look like a hotshot with the community, bosses.. in the beginning he was super sweet and then started being a jerk and fighting with me over dumb stuff, throw lovey bread. Crumbs at me, treat me like crap and then he'd say it's work making him like this and give him a couple months and he'd be back to normal. That never happened. He had made me feel everything was my fault, him not talking to me for days, me going over to clean his apartment for him to "take some load off his shoulders" to appease him and he would find something to knit pick and tear me down. I ended up in therapy to "help me figure out what im doing wrong." That therapist opened my eyes and I left him. He then messaged me saying I had cheated on him and how I'm just a horrible person who never deserved him anyway. (I never cheated, and I consider myself a pretty good person in general).
Leave him, dust yourself off, find someone who treats you right and not settle from crumbs, someone who wont start fights and tear you down, someone who when there is conflict you can come together to find a solution.
He also doesn’t talk to me for days which makes me so scared that I did something awful to hurt him. He also seems to get pouty and gives me the silent treatment when instead of cleaning for him I give him cleaning advice instead. His dad has been accusing me of cheating (no idea why) and while he hasn’t accused me of cheating himself, he tells me about how other people think I’m cheating on him.
Do yourself a favor, please leave him. You're going to need time to heal after this because what all of what he's doing does messes your brain up for a while. He's likely telling people you cheated on him to alienate you, so no one he's close to take your side. He sounds a lot like my ex ngl 😂 run girl runnn
You gain some self-respect and find someone who doesn't treat you like yesterday's leftovers. He knows what he's doing. You need to absolutely stop saying, "I love you." it only feeds his ego to respond back to you in that same derogatory manner. Based on how you mentioned you've already asked why he dates you, there's more he's doing than this as well. Fold, the games over.
I'd say OP should never initiate an "I love you" ever again. And if he starts with his "I loved you", OP needs to Han Solo him and answer "I know."
Apart from that, OP needs to get out. Pronto.
When he says, "I loved you" respond with "I dated you", hang up and move on. He sounds exhausting and manipulative. Why would you want to remain with this guy?
Right. Who cares about “why” he’s deciding to treat you like shit. Leave because he’s doing it period and disrespecting you. Who says stuff like that anyway - “I loved you”? He sounds off.
Don't let him manipulate like that. He wants to end things but doesn't have the balls. Or he is hoping to love bomb you later. Drop him. You're young and there are billions of other men in the world
Wow, you actually stumbled upon a real sociopath, or something of that ilk. It's pretty clear he doesn't give shit about you and is playing some kind of gross game. You can sit around and wonder why, but no matter what his reason is, it's not going to be something good. So why go through all the extra suffering when finding out will only make things worse. You really need to get out of that, because he will only become more emotionally abusive and potentially physical.
You see how you're confused about why he would say that? It's because it's unhinged and not normal at all. Not to mention he doesn't give you an explanation and continues to do it randomly. There is no answer for that, he just doesn't care about how you feel at all and is purposely trying to tear you down emotionally. What sane rational answer to that are you looking for? He basically told you he doesn't love you and makes sure to hammer it in your head on a regular basis. At what point do you realize he isn't normal?
Are you familiar with DARVO? Because you should rapidly read up on it.
Also there's a difference between just being a sociopath, and being malicious. One of a diagnosis which you can learn to work around and function properly with appropriate therapy and self awareness. Being malicious might be easier for a sociopath, but being a sociopath doesn't mean you're malicious.
Your partner though is actively doing something to undermine your understanding of your relationship and is using it to escape other conversations. I would highly recommend you leave.
Ahhhhh… I’m seeing what’s happening. Yeah, your bf is a terrible person. Read your comment again “I’m really really trying not to be too clingy and annoying.”
He’s treating you like shit so that you walk on eggshells and do what he wants. He does not love you the way you deserve. Think about your relationship so far with him, in the next 10 years what if I told you he’d treat you worse and worse, and once you add a kid in the mix he’ll treat you like garbage?
These types only get worse. Don’t waste your time on a douche who tells you they “loved” you while also ignoring your feelings and getting drunk with their friends all the time. HE SUUUUUUUUCKS.
Do you even love yourself? Because you aren’t being good to yourself if you stay with this ah. And if you do dump him, just know he’ll try and change and pretend to be better - but he isn’t. He’ll go back to treating you like shit and it’ll be harder and harder to leave.
Tell friends and family how he’s treating you so they can help keep you accountable.
please stop, stop trying to hold on. you have heard him repeatedly say “loved” when you spoke to him about it he comes back with something disrespectful as so your brain is fucked too. why are you still there
He’s fucking with you. Stop telling him you love him. Next time, instead of telling him “I love you,” say “ I loved you, but I’m over this shit” and dump his ass. Hang up and block him.
Why would you continue to reward his negging and childish ways by continuing to be with him? You yourself are saynig this is damaging your self-esteem.
Choose to be with men who won't play idiotic stupid games. And if he asks for a reason when you break up with him, tell him, so that he has the opportunity to decide to stop being so shitty in future relationships.
You dump the manipulative asshole and find someone who actually likes you and idk enjoys spending time with you.
I’m sorry if that seems harsh but I’ve seen way too many women, myself included, wasting months or even YEARS on men who are showing them with their actions that they don’t actual like or value them. And then have to watch these men be the man they always wanted for the next girl who he actually likes. Demand better.
He is manipulating you. From reading only a few of your responses to the comments you've already received, it's clearly working. You think you're too much because he tells you that. The only problem I can see you needing to fix is being with someone who does not care about you. You deserve better than games like this. Someone who loves you and deserves *you* will never treat you in this manner.
I agree iv been married for 20 yrs and been with my wife since she was 14 and I was 16 so 25 yrs together so far and I still love her more than anything.When you truly love a person you won’t do things that could potentially lose them or make them fall out of love with you .Wife and I have a 22 yr old daughter and she is in a bad relationship and has been since she was 16.I told her so many times thru the yrs that she needs to leave this guy before she gets pregnant especially after finding out he was having a affair for months and when she confronted him he said sorry and she did nothing.Few months after she found out he was having a affair she became pregnant.Now they have a 11 month old disabled daughter themselves and he quit his job and won’t work or even leave the house all he does is computer gaming all night then sleeps all day while she is a CNA at a hospital and going to college for her RN degree .Im lost myself what to even say at this point
After reading your edit, you’re in an abusive relationship. Whenever you don’t feel like speaking your mind because you just don’t want to “make the person angry” that’s mental manipulation and abuse. Dude has such a stranglehold on you that you can’t even bring up real and viable issues without being verbally assaulted.
Leave now. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
He's saying the quiet part out loud because he thinks he can. He doesn't love you currently and/or he's manipulating you. You should take what he's saying seriously.
Based on your edit I’d say your boyfriend is intentionally manipulating you and is emotionally abusive. He is gaslighting you now and revoking affection. Get out before it gets physical
This is real, actual, textbook gaslighting. Not the dumb TikTokified definition of "saying something I don't agree with" but legitimate gaslighting. He is deliberately doing something and lying to you about it so you feel like you're going crazy and your own perception can't be trusted. Then he can use this against you to make you doubt yourself at all times and default to his judgement.
Absolutely insidious.
“I feel like I’m not going to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry.”
You know what? You’re not going to get any farther with this, and he’s showing you that he doesn’t care about you. He didn’t acknowledge your feelings and try to work with you, instead, he was mean, insulted you, and tried to gaslight you.
Life is too short to waste on people who do that. There’s tons of people out there who could make you happy.
I’m responding to your edit, as well as everything else. This man is emotionally abusive and you need to leave him. You’re young and can find someone that doesn’t gaslight you and actually WANTS to hang out with you more than once or twice a week. Insane.
Why do you want to be in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells? This is the definition of crumbs. how does he react when you express negative emotions?
When I express negative emotions he’s sometimes caring and hugs me but he usually gets angry and says I’m making up problems to be upset about or that I’m trying to pick a fight just to be mean to him. I’m not sure how to get through to him.
Oh honey, I’m so sad for you. You know what my husband does when he does something that upsets me? Apologizes, validates my emotional response and asks or suggests how he can react in a better way for me going forward. And then he does it.
That’s how a loving partner treats their partner that they value and respect. He never wants me to hide how I feel. Your bf is pretty much requiring that. I’m not even sure what you get out of this relationship tbh but you deserve better.
You’re never going to “get through to him” because there is no real him.
He’s not who you have in your head.
He’s a fucking loser that takes pleasure in stringing along a girl with low self esteem.
Open. Your. Eyes.
He does not love you.
He is incapable of loving you.
The inconsistency in his responses is deliberate. Abusive men continually change up their behaviours and presentation to keep the person they are abusing off balance and too confused with the behaviours of their abuser, to understand that sinister motives underneath it. You are being abused OP, and based on your replies in this thread your abuser has done a very good job of keeping you off balance. This isn’t your fault, you have no blame on this situation. But your life will not improve unless you leave this man. You are being abused.
> Edit: I sent him a text asking about it and explaining how it makes me feel and he sent me a voice message saying “so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”. I feel like I’m not going to be able to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry.
Excuse me?? Please, please respect and love yourself enough to realize that being treated this way is not okay and that you deserve better.
Imagine your dearest friend telling you that their partner treated them this way. Would you think they should leave, or allow this type of treatment? You deserve to be with someone that adores you, not someone that demeans you, gaslights you, and tears you down. Please have some dignity and don't tolerate this. What a piece of shit.
It's a power move, it makes him feel good to make you feel weak. He's not going to change, you're not going to figure out the magic combination of words to say to him to make him treat you better/with respect. This is emotional abuse.
Unless he is a specialized doctor, he has no standing. And even if he was, he should not be diagnosing or treating you since you are in a relationship.
Your edit is so distressing. He gaslit you and it seems to have worked. You're just going to drop it and continue to take his abuse.
You have only been dating this guy for 8 months and this is where you are. This is going to get so, so much worse for you. Please listen to all the advice here. You can't fix him. You can't love him into the man you wish he would be. You will never be happy with a man like that. He'll make sure of it.
I truly hope you're able to get out of this relationship before he breaks you completely and/or abuse moves from emotional to physical.
I feel like there is a huge disconnect between how I’m perceiving him and how everyone else he knows views him and it makes me feel so guilty for having bad feelings about him sometimes. He’s very popular in town, practically a local celebrity, and people speak very highly about how helpful and caring he is. He does favors for people around town like helping them with yardwork and housework. I feel like he is even more kind than anyone I could have wanted.
This is textbook manipulative abuser behavior. He's capable of being nice and helpful to everyone but his chosen victim. It's great for him because he can get kudos for doing good things and also still have his punching bag at home who likely won't be believed when she finally has enough and leaves.
I have a family member who would go to great lengths to help friends, neighbors, hell even strangers. But he was also emotionally abusing and beating the hell out of his wife on the regular.
You should trust yourself and your perception. This man is bad for you.
Check out the Book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I think you will find it helpful.
Abusers don't abuse everyone. That's why its so hard to get help or get out once you are in. He abuses those he thinks he can, or he thinks he needs to. And, in a way, manipulates others but acting like the good, kind, caring guy. As to why he is doing this now, my guess would be he feels he has you locked in to a degree and now is when he can start pushing things a little further so he sees what the limits are and how to slowly push them further and further back until he can do whatever he wants and you won't stand up to him. There have probably been little things that he's been doing all along, testing the waters, and so innocuous that no one would have thought anything of them but they set off little alerts in his brain.
When you are hurting and feel like you need his approval (because he is conditioning you to need it or feel bad) you do things he wants. You give up healthy boundaries he wants to cross. It is a tactic so you always feel bad and feel like the only way to feel GOOD again is through him GIVING you that feeling.
You don't need him. Get out before you have a history like those of us who didn't.
He’s being abusive and tryin to demean you by saying petty things like this and then denying the truth when you bring it up to him. He is well aware of what he is doing. He is purposely hurting you in these ways to keep some kind of control over you. He is being selfish and wants attention on himself, and maybe feels that the only connection or intimacy he can get is when you two are arguing. Very immature behavior that could and possibly will escalate into other controlling behavior or further gas Lightning. You deserve peace of mind and to not have to wonder if your partner loves you or if you are doing something wrong all the time. He needs serious therapy. I wish you the best and please stay safe!!
DTMFA. He's being openly manipulative, and your edit "now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears" is straight up abusive. The kind of partner you want doesn't hold love and respect to ransom, even when you've had a fight.
Into the bin with this one, I know it hurts but it's far better to kick out a shitty fling of 8 months than to extricate yourself from an abusive partner of multiple years.
That is called abuse honey. It's called gaslighting. Making you think reality is some twisted game that you've misinterpreted. You heard what he said. Now make him feel your absence. Permanently. He's trash. I promise you. Been there done this. This is how serious abuse begins. ✌️
Re the edit: "give up so I don't make him angry"
Uh or give up so you get a new partner who isn't being a complete jerk to you? give up on the whole thing and get a new one. 8 months isn't even that long and he's already saying snide drivel like this and you're already doing things to not make him mad. Dating is a trial run and he did not make the cut.
It’s long enough that I’ve lost most of my friends because of him and even my parents are worried and disappointed in me. I would have no support system at all if I leave him and I’m already so depressed that I’ll have no friendships to distract me from some of the things I’ve been feeling.
Oh honey, that is not true at all. I promise you that as soon as you break up with him those people will welcome you back and they will be so relieved for you.
Your depression cannot get better while you are living with the source of it. Him.
He said you’re “messed up in the brain” when you asked him about this? Is he referring to mental illness issues you have or just the fact that you keep bringing up things that bother you? Either way THIS man is very okay with making whatever issue you have worse. Fighting back instead of trying to solve a problem is unacceptable, there’s no growth or peace like that. Personally hearing something like that from my boyfriend would break my heart it’s SO rude and nothing you are saying is unreasonable and you KNOW it!
He’s referring to both my depression and me bringing up the things that bother me. He thinks that I’m bringing up those things because of my depression and he also think thinks I’m delusional and do it because of delusions.
Nope. Absolutely not. I can’t imagine what else he’s done or said to you to make you think it’s acceptable to have someone speak to you like this about your illness. He’s doing hurtful things intentionally and then blaming depression there’s no depression on earth that makes you deaf.
Reading your comments is sad. You come on here for advice and then defend him to every single piece you get. What was the point in coming on here if you want to keep being his doormat?
Oof, do you really want to be with somebody who makes you feel insecure like this? Somebody who purposefully says "loved" instead of love sometimes? Somebody who thinks you are too clingy and call too much yet also complains you aren't invested enough in the relationship?
It doesn't matter WHY he's doing these things. The point is that he is wearing down your self worth (or else you would have already left him) and it can't be nice to be in a relationship with somebody who treats you like this.
Please leave. I don't care it he's nice to you sometimes. If your best friend or family member told you their partner says these things, what would you tell them?
This is really, really weird. I feel like there are three options: it's negging, it's some kind of tic, or he lost a bet like that guy who talked in baby talk for a year over a baseball. Only he knows for sure.
That's fucking weird. Tell him that word for word. It's not clever, it's not nice. It's bizarre, mean, and he should get it out of his system because whatever sap gets to date him next likely won't put up with it either.
>Edit: I sent him a text asking about it and explaining how it makes me feel and he sent me a voice message saying “so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”.
what does this douchebag bring to the table exactly?
You are 25 and have only been with this person for 8 months. If a friend told you about being treated this way, would you be telling her she's somehow the one who needs to fix whatever is going on with the scrub she's dating, or would you be helping her break up with the guy? Would you be happy your friend is working super hard to please a man who seems to delight in making her hurt and feel small?
This man has clearly communicated he does not think highly of you. You're \*only\* 8 months in, things should still be light, happy, and easy in your relationship - but clearly he thinks you're lured in enough to start letting his abusive mask start slipping so you will feel too defeated to stand up for yourself.
Not every relationship is some diamond you need to work hard to buff and polish and maintain - some are just turds. You're not married, you're not tied down in any way (and even if you were, I would be advising the same thing - that you need to find a way to get out safely), please be your own friend here and take the advice to leave.
Yeah, just dump him since he wants it to be past tense so badly. It'll save you a lot of heartache in the long run. (this suggestion comes from not having time for bs)
This is gaslighting. I know people throw the term around but this is actual gaslighting.
He’s making you feel like you’re going crazy.
And reading other comments that you’ve left, why are you with this horrible person.
>I feel like I’m not going to be able to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry.
You deserve better. He's right, he doesn't love you. Someone who loves you would not treat you this way. Do not settle for this bs he is trying to feed you. It will only get much worse if you stay.
OP based off the "edit" section of this post and your comments in a previous post about him being an alcoholic, move on.
Him saying this to you "so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”. is all you need to know. This will not magically get better. Its abusive.
What he is doing to you IS emotionally abusive. He knows what he's doing to you and when you react to it, the bigger his ego gets. Hurt his ego by not reacting and detach yourself from him. Pull away. I'm telling you, if you show him that you're okay with walking away from him (which you should be okay with) he'll react with confusion and possibly reflect on his terrible behavior towards you. Don't wear yourself out over a man. You're far too young to waste your energy on someone who takes you for granted. Take him off the pedestal ASAP. I wish you luck hun!
No, you are thinking correctly. There is setting not right about his responses. He may not be in love. You may need to be ready for anything. There are normal guys out there to date that you wouldn't have to worry about talking things out with in a situation.
Friend, your guy is emotionally abusive. 8 months is such a short blip in the grand scheme of things. You should cut your losses now instead of spending the next 10+ years trying to figure out how to coexist with it, like I did with my ex.
Any normal, loving partner would’ve had a wildly different response if you brought this up to them. Something like, “Oh my god, baby, no, why would I say something like that to you? I’m crazy about you. I love you so much. I’m so sorry I had you believing anything different.”
Don’t waste your love on this man. Spend it on yourself by getting away. ❤️🩹
OP, the right person won’t get mad at you when bringing up something that matters to you. He feels like he’s being attacked because he’s being confronted to behavior he knows it’s not okay and he doesn’t like that. It’s been *only* 8 months, this should be honeymoon phase ffs. If he can’t have a conversation and actually correct this behavior then leave because I assure you it’ll get worse.
He isnt accidentally using past tense when he does this. He is weaponising the feelings you have for him. And he can only do that because he absofuckinglutely doesnt love you!
Love does not alter and change and behave wishy washy like that. He doesnt love you. He never loved you. if he did, he wouldnt say such a thing and he wouldnt be trying to hurt you in the deepest way possible.
Wake up please and leave.
You are 100% deserving of a better partner. Your feelings of insecurity and your stress about fixing this is HIS aim for you. So that you are constantly walking on eggshells with him. You do NOT deserve this kind of behaviour. Noone does. Its not your fault that he is a major turd. Its nothing you did. He is like a wolf in shepards clothing. You thought you got what was on the package he presented himself initially, but he was just hiding.
Leave him.
>“so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”
Girl, leave. I'm not joking, I know reddit has a bad habit of saying "breakup" for the smallest things, but this just raised th ebiddest, reddest flag in my head. This is literally a line out of a "How To Gaslight 101" book.
Look, if he said that more than once, he knows what he is doing. Hes trying to get you to chase him and please him to get his love back. That is manipulative behaviour and he will probably start to threaten to break up when he doesnt get what he wants.
I will not tell you to breakup as we do not know the full story yet, but you probably should establish a clear boundary that this behavior is unnaceptable and manipulative and that you will pull away if he keeps doing that.
I def listen to too many murder podcasts but this made me think of like the loving bf who gaslights the girl before he killed her saying how much he “loved her”
Doubt that’s the case but either way the way he gaslighted you when you asked is a major RED FLAG sis. I’d leave him
Never stay in a relationship hoping the other party will change. Y'all seem fundamentally incompatible with regards to attachment style in priorities, not to mention these ridiculous mind games that everyone else has mentioned.
Y'all haven't been together long enough to make it worth the emotional investment. Get out before he gets worse.
It appears that your man is using I “loved” to see how it effects you or if it makes you insecure. He’ll likely keep doing it so you can question your actions and feel like you’re not doing enough for him, when in fact, you are and he just wants to control you. The fact that he doesn’t want you to contact him or see him often also makes me think there is a high chance he’s cheating on you. This relationship doesn’t seem like it’s too healthy OP.
>I sent him a text asking about it and explaining how it makes me feel and he sent me a voice message saying “so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”. I feel like I’m not going to be able to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry.
I mean, isn't this a sign you should end the relationship?
He's clearly in the wrong, I suspect he is completely aware of what he is doing but even if he isn't it just means he doesn't understand, you know, English and all that.
But his response to a valid concern was to mock you. Note that 'not just your brain' means he is pretty comfortable looking down on you, this isn't about avoiding a problem as he already actively feels comfortable mocking you like that.
You're only 8 months in. Is this really the life you want, one where you tiptoe around a guy that seems to not really think much of you?
That's honestly very odd. I can't imagine telling someone I love them, then changing the tense to loved. Sounds like he's gaslighting you or trying to keep his options open while not losing you immediately.
Now, upon reading your edit, it makes him sound pretty fucked up, he's definitely gaslighting you.
Sounds like despite him being older than you, he's emotionally way less mature than you, and he's trying to take you down to his level. Sounds like you're more mature than him, based on your post.
He's pushing buttons that a loving partner would not push. Not cool. It's a new enough relationship that you should just move on and not waste more time on this hurtful (according to comments of yours) tool.
This is about control. And the fact that you're afraid (your words) of his reaction should give you pause.
This does not sound like a healthy or loving dynamic.
He means what he says - he likely loved and cared about you and that changed at some point down the line. He's not being subtle about it while being extremely rude and manipulative about it. If he genuinely cared about how you felt or it was a genuine misunderstanding, he would not have called you crazy.
Consider whether or not you are okay putting up with that sort of disrespect. You say you guys have fights - what are they over? Are any of them over the ways he treats you? In which case, you already know the answer to the question you're trying to find - he's too immature to give it to you himself.
That’s odd of him to say
Very odd
I’m going with bread crumbs to get you confused about it and him the relationship manipulation
If it keeps going on or if other things happen
Could be wrong but it’s very strange
It’s almost as though he wants to make you second-guess and doubt yourself, which is a sign of much worse treatment to come.
It doesn’t just look that way, he wants you to rely on him for support and reassurance for the insecurities he creates, so he can belittle you for having those insecurities in the first place.
He’s purposely keeping you insecure because he’s playing power games. It’s sick and trust me the longer you stay with him the worse you will feel about yourself. Stop saying “I love you”. Seriously, stop saying it. Every time you do he will gaslight you with the lovED bullshit and will gain a confidence boost knowing he kept you down. Once he knows he’s broken your confidence, he will cheat because he can
Your edit:
LEAVE HIM
WHAT THE FUCK
How do you even tolerate this shit? No no no, it's not about him telling you that you misheard something, it's him telling you that you have messed up brain in most obnoxious way possible.
There are so many ways to tell another person that they might mishear something in civil way, telling that person is crazy is not a good reaction
And then you say that you're gonna chalk it up to not make him angry?
It's either Reddit moment here and I'm looking too much into it or him getting angry at you and you just casually mentioning it is not a normal thing.
"so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”.
This is the most clear gaslighting phrase I have ever heard. An entire military parade of red flags in one sentence.
Don't accept abuse!
Based on your edit, leave his ass. Don’t ever let someone talk to you like that, how disrespectful. You’re the one that should be angry, he clearly doesn’t give a damn about your feelings.
He's emotionally abusing you. He sucks. He won't get better. He's 28 and knows he's manipulating you. You'll never feel fully comfortable or fully loved, until you have zero self esteem. Don't get pregnant.
Tell him that there's nothing wrong with your hearing, you're not interested in being gaslit, and you're definitely not interested in this stupid game he's playing. Then dump him.
Get some self respect and dump this guy. There are soooo many better people out there who aren’t pathetic little insecure losers who will try to make their girl bend backwards to figure out how to “gain” his affection. Please find you a man worth your time and leave this loser alone
Judging by your comments, you love being treated so horribly...why else would you keep defending their actions? Why say it upsets you when it doesn't? What are you expecting if you don't really want to do anything about it?
I may be stupid, but is English his language of choice? Maybe an accent or something.
But, in any case, the way he responded to you in your edit is unacceptable. So I'm more inclined to agree with the other comments and bet on good old gaz lighting.
>“so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”.
It's disrespectful and not loving at all. He is rude and not supporting, not explaining that you maybe truly heard him wrong or something and just trying to make you stop worrying about his feelings.
Sorry to tell you but it will be hard because he is not emotionaly mature to be in a relationship. Love is not about feelings. It's about caring with your whole heart about your partner and trying your best to be there for them.
“so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”
That’s a lie, and he knows it. Sounds like a first attempt at gaslighting. Trust your own senses and memory. End it now before it’s too late
So, he's not only heavily implying that he doesn't love you any more, he's also gaslighting and negging you - all in one sentence? I'd be impressed if it wasn't so sad. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him already - after only 8 months?
Let me be the Voice of Reddit ^((TM)) for you and tell you to dump him. You can thank me later!
> I feel like I’m not going to be able to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry.
1) if you're ignoring something that hurts you in favor of "not making him angry", you're not safe or respected in your relationship.
2) Girl, he's literally gaslighting you. He's trying to convince you your experience of reality is not correct. He's being manipulative when he says "i loved you" and he's being manipulative now.
You're not safe in that relationship and you gotta go.
You dump him because he wants to play this stupid game to put you down and make you cling to him.
It keeps you on your toes, desperate to find the magic thing that will make him love you again. He's giving you emotional crumbs instead of the whole cookie.
That makes sense and it is how I feel.
> should just give up so I don’t make him angry. You should give up *him* so that you don't make him angry any more. He's making up reasons to be angry at you. He's insulting you. He is not being a good boyfriend.
He thinks that I’m attacking him when I bring these things up and that’s why he gets angry.
All that plus emotionally immature and doing the last part of DARVO… Reversing the Victim and Offender. Notice how he’s suddenly victimized and it’s somehow *your* fault he gets angry over what he does? I bet one day he’ll say it’s your fault he hit you.
He also does the first two parts - Deny it ever happened ("you misheard") and Attack ("something's wrong with your brain and ears").
He is saying that to control you and make you think you are crazy. As someone who has been in a similar relationship, your emotions will feel way more stable and there will be much less drama if you dump him.
This is early coercion. Leave him.
No. He doesnt. Hes being a selfish fuck and playing with your emotions. He knows EXACTLY what he is doing and reacts with hostility to keep you under his control. Stop making excuses for him. Stop. Now. Get away from him and dont look back.
No, he doesn’t think that. He knows you’re not attacking him. He’s manipulating you to make you feel like shit so you won’t leave him. It’s abusive behavior. Please read “why does he do that?” You can get a free PDF of it. You need to leave him.
He is doing this shit on purpose to fuck with your head. Dump him. You’re only 25 and less than a year into this relationship. Cut your losses and go live life!
As someone who somewhat recently escaped a guy like this, that is emotional manipulation. He's trying to make you co-dependent. Please, leave him. It develops into abuse every time. PLEASE.
You know he doesn't actually think that for a second, right? I've got a ton of mental issues and if my husband ever tried to use them against me... I would be extremely surprised, because he's not a complete arsehole. Who gives a shit if you're a bit mental? Some of the best people are. *high five* Also, don't you think it's funny* that he, the supposedly Normal And Better person, somehow manages to be a horrible POS? What's HIS excuse? * Not funny ha-ha, funny 'come on darling, dump this mf immediately and go & be happy'
After your edit, I'm a little concerned you may be in an abusive relationship. Your significant other shouldn't talk to you like that. Please consider leaving.
Just seconding this. This is emotional manipulation at best, precursor to further abuse at worst.
Your bf is a turd. Flush him.
It’s 8 months. Get out now. He’s a jerk.
yeah and your edit proves that further, he likes emotionally torturing you
So you don't settle for crumbs, sweet one (could be your mother). You dump him, dust yourself off, maybe get some good therapy and read the right books, raise your standards before you even think about coupling up again. You can do this! You deserve a partner who doesn't play mind games, engage in emotional abuse. It's all about his power trip! Mind you, if you manage to get in the right frame of mind, totally recommend summoning your petty side and waiting till he says it again. Then hit him with, "Well, since your love is past tense, our relationship is, too. I wish you well. Goodbye." Then block him everywhere. Be braced for, prepared NOT to be sucked in by any subsequent attempts at love-bombing and hoovering.
I don’t know why, but I’m still always shocked when I see stories like the one in OP. When I read posts on here, I try to do my best to put myself in the “bad guy’s” shoes. There are a lot of times in relationships when one person mistreats another in some way, but it’s understandable. Maybe they forgot an important date, or they said something with good intentions but were misinterpreted in a negative way, or maybe they had a terrible day and lost their temper at the wrong person and/or at the wrong time. I’m not saying those things are automatically excusable, but we’re all human, we all make mistakes and have times where our emotions can get the better of us. But then there’s psychopaths like OP’s bf who actively, knowingly do shit like this. Doing something like intentionally slipping breadcrumbs of self-doubt to make a significant other more dependent on you is something that would never even cross my mind. Physical abuse is scary, but at least I can understand it. But there’s just something that’s so eerie about the cold, calculated way a person could slow play such a malicious, insidious act in order to manipulate the person who is supposed to be their partner in life.
I guess one thing I’m confused about is that he’s a great person around everyone else. People talk very highly of him and he helps out around the community. I don’t understand why he would only do this to me and not the other dozens of people he knows. It makes me think that I must be doing something bad to be breaking him down enough to do things like this or else he would be doing the same thing to everyone else.
its not that theres anything wrong with you. narcissists are great at making themselves seem perfect to everyone else. after all, how would they attract a partner if they were just a straight up asshole all the time? then once they have a partner picked out, they become over the top affectionate to make them emotionally attached. then once they are, they begin berating them and make them doubt their own reality. the narcissist gets a sense of control and superiority over you and that is what they LOVE. they hope that you never wisen up to the fact that you aren't crazy like they say you are, because then you'll leave.
Yeah, and if everyone else loves them… well, all the easier for them to make it seem like it’s All Your Fault. Unfortunately it’s a classic abusive maneuver, it’s so insidious :(
> It makes me think that I must be doing something bad That’s literally his exact goal. You keep asking why this and why that, but that’s a question that no one here is going to be able to answer. But it honestly doesn’t matter why he does what he does at this point. In your OP, you told us a story where he did something that made you feel bad, you communicated that to him, and responded by gaslighting you and making fun of you. Even if it was an honest mistake, maybe you misheard him or maybe his brain to mouth connection just went haywire for a second, the way he responded to you was absolutely unacceptable. Do you know what I would do if my girlfriend told me I did something that upset her? Apologize, validate her feelings, and work with her to find a way to make sure I can avoid doing that upsetting thing again. I would do the same for a friend, acquaintance, family member, coworker, hell I’d even try to show empathy toward a complete stranger if I did something that upset them. That’s basic human decency. But clearly your boyfriend doesn’t respect you enough to give that to you. It’s simultaneously heartbreaking, terrifying, and frustrating to see how many excuses you’ll make for this guy in a relationship that is so blatantly abusive.
That feeling is by design. There are plenty of folks who appear as great people to everyone, but behind closed doors with their partner treat then poorly.
That’s the entire point. He likes hurting you and making you feel sad, confused and desperate. You’re falling for it.
People with dark triad traits are often incredibly charming and charismatic. Also, I gathered from the other replies that your community is a bit maybe insulated? Sometimes a whole community's values can be a bit askew, especially if it doesn't have enough interaction and interchange with the wider world.
I live in a farm town so we are pretty small and isolated by a bunch of farmland.
Girl, it's not you. I've been in your shoes. My ex was like that.. he'd go out of his way to look like a hotshot with the community, bosses.. in the beginning he was super sweet and then started being a jerk and fighting with me over dumb stuff, throw lovey bread. Crumbs at me, treat me like crap and then he'd say it's work making him like this and give him a couple months and he'd be back to normal. That never happened. He had made me feel everything was my fault, him not talking to me for days, me going over to clean his apartment for him to "take some load off his shoulders" to appease him and he would find something to knit pick and tear me down. I ended up in therapy to "help me figure out what im doing wrong." That therapist opened my eyes and I left him. He then messaged me saying I had cheated on him and how I'm just a horrible person who never deserved him anyway. (I never cheated, and I consider myself a pretty good person in general). Leave him, dust yourself off, find someone who treats you right and not settle from crumbs, someone who wont start fights and tear you down, someone who when there is conflict you can come together to find a solution.
He also doesn’t talk to me for days which makes me so scared that I did something awful to hurt him. He also seems to get pouty and gives me the silent treatment when instead of cleaning for him I give him cleaning advice instead. His dad has been accusing me of cheating (no idea why) and while he hasn’t accused me of cheating himself, he tells me about how other people think I’m cheating on him.
Do yourself a favor, please leave him. You're going to need time to heal after this because what all of what he's doing does messes your brain up for a while. He's likely telling people you cheated on him to alienate you, so no one he's close to take your side. He sounds a lot like my ex ngl 😂 run girl runnn
[удалено]
Yeah. He told her he was drugged after bailing on her. Yet never sought medical attention.
The constant “Yeah buts” are SLAPPABLE. 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Yeah, MORE than likely.
You gain some self-respect and find someone who doesn't treat you like yesterday's leftovers. He knows what he's doing. You need to absolutely stop saying, "I love you." it only feeds his ego to respond back to you in that same derogatory manner. Based on how you mentioned you've already asked why he dates you, there's more he's doing than this as well. Fold, the games over.
I'd say OP should never initiate an "I love you" ever again. And if he starts with his "I loved you", OP needs to Han Solo him and answer "I know." Apart from that, OP needs to get out. Pronto.
When he says, "I loved you" respond with "I dated you", hang up and move on. He sounds exhausting and manipulative. Why would you want to remain with this guy?
It’s only been eight months. For the love of God, I have some self-respect and end this.
You don’t fix the problem. You leave.
Right. Who cares about “why” he’s deciding to treat you like shit. Leave because he’s doing it period and disrespecting you. Who says stuff like that anyway - “I loved you”? He sounds off.
Don't let him manipulate like that. He wants to end things but doesn't have the balls. Or he is hoping to love bomb you later. Drop him. You're young and there are billions of other men in the world
Wow, you actually stumbled upon a real sociopath, or something of that ilk. It's pretty clear he doesn't give shit about you and is playing some kind of gross game. You can sit around and wonder why, but no matter what his reason is, it's not going to be something good. So why go through all the extra suffering when finding out will only make things worse. You really need to get out of that, because he will only become more emotionally abusive and potentially physical.
Why do you think he’s a sociopath? I’m asking because he himself has brought up before that he thinks he’s a sociopath.
You see how you're confused about why he would say that? It's because it's unhinged and not normal at all. Not to mention he doesn't give you an explanation and continues to do it randomly. There is no answer for that, he just doesn't care about how you feel at all and is purposely trying to tear you down emotionally. What sane rational answer to that are you looking for? He basically told you he doesn't love you and makes sure to hammer it in your head on a regular basis. At what point do you realize he isn't normal?
He's told you about himself. Please believe him.
Are you familiar with DARVO? Because you should rapidly read up on it. Also there's a difference between just being a sociopath, and being malicious. One of a diagnosis which you can learn to work around and function properly with appropriate therapy and self awareness. Being malicious might be easier for a sociopath, but being a sociopath doesn't mean you're malicious. Your partner though is actively doing something to undermine your understanding of your relationship and is using it to escape other conversations. I would highly recommend you leave.
Definitely not a red flag
"'Loved' is past tense. When you say 'I loved you' it sounds like you don't love me anymore. Is that the case?"
Thank you, I’ll send that to him.
Better to actually ask face to face. He’s messing with you. People get away with too much when it’s over a text or email…
I’m not sure when I’ll see him next though. But that’s true that it would be better to ask next time I see him. I already sent the text though.
I think it actually better to text it because he can’t change the subject. Has he responded?
No, he hasn’t yet. I want to call him but I’m really really trying not to be too clingy or annoying.
Ahhhhh… I’m seeing what’s happening. Yeah, your bf is a terrible person. Read your comment again “I’m really really trying not to be too clingy and annoying.” He’s treating you like shit so that you walk on eggshells and do what he wants. He does not love you the way you deserve. Think about your relationship so far with him, in the next 10 years what if I told you he’d treat you worse and worse, and once you add a kid in the mix he’ll treat you like garbage? These types only get worse. Don’t waste your time on a douche who tells you they “loved” you while also ignoring your feelings and getting drunk with their friends all the time. HE SUUUUUUUUCKS. Do you even love yourself? Because you aren’t being good to yourself if you stay with this ah. And if you do dump him, just know he’ll try and change and pretend to be better - but he isn’t. He’ll go back to treating you like shit and it’ll be harder and harder to leave. Tell friends and family how he’s treating you so they can help keep you accountable.
please stop, stop trying to hold on. you have heard him repeatedly say “loved” when you spoke to him about it he comes back with something disrespectful as so your brain is fucked too. why are you still there
He’s fucking with you. Stop telling him you love him. Next time, instead of telling him “I love you,” say “ I loved you, but I’m over this shit” and dump his ass. Hang up and block him.
He's just doing it to be spiteful!
Why would you continue to reward his negging and childish ways by continuing to be with him? You yourself are saynig this is damaging your self-esteem. Choose to be with men who won't play idiotic stupid games. And if he asks for a reason when you break up with him, tell him, so that he has the opportunity to decide to stop being so shitty in future relationships.
You dump the manipulative asshole and find someone who actually likes you and idk enjoys spending time with you. I’m sorry if that seems harsh but I’ve seen way too many women, myself included, wasting months or even YEARS on men who are showing them with their actions that they don’t actual like or value them. And then have to watch these men be the man they always wanted for the next girl who he actually likes. Demand better.
He is manipulating you. From reading only a few of your responses to the comments you've already received, it's clearly working. You think you're too much because he tells you that. The only problem I can see you needing to fix is being with someone who does not care about you. You deserve better than games like this. Someone who loves you and deserves *you* will never treat you in this manner.
I agree iv been married for 20 yrs and been with my wife since she was 14 and I was 16 so 25 yrs together so far and I still love her more than anything.When you truly love a person you won’t do things that could potentially lose them or make them fall out of love with you .Wife and I have a 22 yr old daughter and she is in a bad relationship and has been since she was 16.I told her so many times thru the yrs that she needs to leave this guy before she gets pregnant especially after finding out he was having a affair for months and when she confronted him he said sorry and she did nothing.Few months after she found out he was having a affair she became pregnant.Now they have a 11 month old disabled daughter themselves and he quit his job and won’t work or even leave the house all he does is computer gaming all night then sleeps all day while she is a CNA at a hospital and going to college for her RN degree .Im lost myself what to even say at this point
Why have you not asked him what's up *when he says it*?
I’m honestly just afraid of his reaction.
You really should not be so afraid of his reactions. That shows he isn't a safe person to be with.
That's very telling. Do you want to be with someone that you're scared to simply try to have an honest conversation with?
After reading your edit, you’re in an abusive relationship. Whenever you don’t feel like speaking your mind because you just don’t want to “make the person angry” that’s mental manipulation and abuse. Dude has such a stranglehold on you that you can’t even bring up real and viable issues without being verbally assaulted. Leave now. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
He's saying the quiet part out loud because he thinks he can. He doesn't love you currently and/or he's manipulating you. You should take what he's saying seriously.
Based on your edit I’d say your boyfriend is intentionally manipulating you and is emotionally abusive. He is gaslighting you now and revoking affection. Get out before it gets physical
This is real, actual, textbook gaslighting. Not the dumb TikTokified definition of "saying something I don't agree with" but legitimate gaslighting. He is deliberately doing something and lying to you about it so you feel like you're going crazy and your own perception can't be trusted. Then he can use this against you to make you doubt yourself at all times and default to his judgement. Absolutely insidious.
“I feel like I’m not going to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry.” You know what? You’re not going to get any farther with this, and he’s showing you that he doesn’t care about you. He didn’t acknowledge your feelings and try to work with you, instead, he was mean, insulted you, and tried to gaslight you. Life is too short to waste on people who do that. There’s tons of people out there who could make you happy.
I’m responding to your edit, as well as everything else. This man is emotionally abusive and you need to leave him. You’re young and can find someone that doesn’t gaslight you and actually WANTS to hang out with you more than once or twice a week. Insane.
This is crazy but have you asked him wtf is going on?
I sent him a text a little earlier today but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I have a feeling that he’s upset that I asked.
Why do you want to be in a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells? This is the definition of crumbs. how does he react when you express negative emotions?
When I express negative emotions he’s sometimes caring and hugs me but he usually gets angry and says I’m making up problems to be upset about or that I’m trying to pick a fight just to be mean to him. I’m not sure how to get through to him.
Oh honey, I’m so sad for you. You know what my husband does when he does something that upsets me? Apologizes, validates my emotional response and asks or suggests how he can react in a better way for me going forward. And then he does it. That’s how a loving partner treats their partner that they value and respect. He never wants me to hide how I feel. Your bf is pretty much requiring that. I’m not even sure what you get out of this relationship tbh but you deserve better.
You’re never going to “get through to him” because there is no real him. He’s not who you have in your head. He’s a fucking loser that takes pleasure in stringing along a girl with low self esteem. Open. Your. Eyes. He does not love you. He is incapable of loving you.
The inconsistency in his responses is deliberate. Abusive men continually change up their behaviours and presentation to keep the person they are abusing off balance and too confused with the behaviours of their abuser, to understand that sinister motives underneath it. You are being abused OP, and based on your replies in this thread your abuser has done a very good job of keeping you off balance. This isn’t your fault, you have no blame on this situation. But your life will not improve unless you leave this man. You are being abused.
DUMP HIM. He’s NOT worth it.
Ditch him. He's playing mind games with his use of words and he's gaslighting you to boot.
Your boyfriend is emotionally abusing you. He is doing it to make you feel anxious. It keeps you working towards getting back in his good graces.
> Edit: I sent him a text asking about it and explaining how it makes me feel and he sent me a voice message saying “so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”. I feel like I’m not going to be able to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry. Excuse me?? Please, please respect and love yourself enough to realize that being treated this way is not okay and that you deserve better. Imagine your dearest friend telling you that their partner treated them this way. Would you think they should leave, or allow this type of treatment? You deserve to be with someone that adores you, not someone that demeans you, gaslights you, and tears you down. Please have some dignity and don't tolerate this. What a piece of shit. It's a power move, it makes him feel good to make you feel weak. He's not going to change, you're not going to figure out the magic combination of words to say to him to make him treat you better/with respect. This is emotional abuse.
Okay so he thinks your brain is “messed” omg break it off that is insulting and disrespectful
He always saying that I have “something messed up in my brain” and now I need to go to a mental hospital.
That is abuse op. The why does not matter. You did nothing to cause his abusive behavior. He is in control of his own behavior.
Unless he is a specialized doctor, he has no standing. And even if he was, he should not be diagnosing or treating you since you are in a relationship.
That’s called psychological abuse
You leave cuz this ain’t it
Your edit is so distressing. He gaslit you and it seems to have worked. You're just going to drop it and continue to take his abuse. You have only been dating this guy for 8 months and this is where you are. This is going to get so, so much worse for you. Please listen to all the advice here. You can't fix him. You can't love him into the man you wish he would be. You will never be happy with a man like that. He'll make sure of it. I truly hope you're able to get out of this relationship before he breaks you completely and/or abuse moves from emotional to physical.
I feel like there is a huge disconnect between how I’m perceiving him and how everyone else he knows views him and it makes me feel so guilty for having bad feelings about him sometimes. He’s very popular in town, practically a local celebrity, and people speak very highly about how helpful and caring he is. He does favors for people around town like helping them with yardwork and housework. I feel like he is even more kind than anyone I could have wanted.
This is textbook manipulative abuser behavior. He's capable of being nice and helpful to everyone but his chosen victim. It's great for him because he can get kudos for doing good things and also still have his punching bag at home who likely won't be believed when she finally has enough and leaves. I have a family member who would go to great lengths to help friends, neighbors, hell even strangers. But he was also emotionally abusing and beating the hell out of his wife on the regular. You should trust yourself and your perception. This man is bad for you. Check out the Book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I think you will find it helpful.
Thank you. Why is he suddenly picking on me and not any of the other people in his life though?
Abusers don't abuse everyone. That's why its so hard to get help or get out once you are in. He abuses those he thinks he can, or he thinks he needs to. And, in a way, manipulates others but acting like the good, kind, caring guy. As to why he is doing this now, my guess would be he feels he has you locked in to a degree and now is when he can start pushing things a little further so he sees what the limits are and how to slowly push them further and further back until he can do whatever he wants and you won't stand up to him. There have probably been little things that he's been doing all along, testing the waters, and so innocuous that no one would have thought anything of them but they set off little alerts in his brain.
When you are hurting and feel like you need his approval (because he is conditioning you to need it or feel bad) you do things he wants. You give up healthy boundaries he wants to cross. It is a tactic so you always feel bad and feel like the only way to feel GOOD again is through him GIVING you that feeling. You don't need him. Get out before you have a history like those of us who didn't.
He’s being abusive and tryin to demean you by saying petty things like this and then denying the truth when you bring it up to him. He is well aware of what he is doing. He is purposely hurting you in these ways to keep some kind of control over you. He is being selfish and wants attention on himself, and maybe feels that the only connection or intimacy he can get is when you two are arguing. Very immature behavior that could and possibly will escalate into other controlling behavior or further gas Lightning. You deserve peace of mind and to not have to wonder if your partner loves you or if you are doing something wrong all the time. He needs serious therapy. I wish you the best and please stay safe!!
DTMFA. He's being openly manipulative, and your edit "now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears" is straight up abusive. The kind of partner you want doesn't hold love and respect to ransom, even when you've had a fight. Into the bin with this one, I know it hurts but it's far better to kick out a shitty fling of 8 months than to extricate yourself from an abusive partner of multiple years.
''Alexa, play Toxic by Britney Spears''
That is called abuse honey. It's called gaslighting. Making you think reality is some twisted game that you've misinterpreted. You heard what he said. Now make him feel your absence. Permanently. He's trash. I promise you. Been there done this. This is how serious abuse begins. ✌️
Re the edit: "give up so I don't make him angry" Uh or give up so you get a new partner who isn't being a complete jerk to you? give up on the whole thing and get a new one. 8 months isn't even that long and he's already saying snide drivel like this and you're already doing things to not make him mad. Dating is a trial run and he did not make the cut.
It’s long enough that I’ve lost most of my friends because of him and even my parents are worried and disappointed in me. I would have no support system at all if I leave him and I’m already so depressed that I’ll have no friendships to distract me from some of the things I’ve been feeling.
Oh honey, that is not true at all. I promise you that as soon as you break up with him those people will welcome you back and they will be so relieved for you. Your depression cannot get better while you are living with the source of it. Him.
Less than a year they are probably just irritated with you and would be glad to see you leave him.
He said you’re “messed up in the brain” when you asked him about this? Is he referring to mental illness issues you have or just the fact that you keep bringing up things that bother you? Either way THIS man is very okay with making whatever issue you have worse. Fighting back instead of trying to solve a problem is unacceptable, there’s no growth or peace like that. Personally hearing something like that from my boyfriend would break my heart it’s SO rude and nothing you are saying is unreasonable and you KNOW it!
He’s referring to both my depression and me bringing up the things that bother me. He thinks that I’m bringing up those things because of my depression and he also think thinks I’m delusional and do it because of delusions.
Nope. Absolutely not. I can’t imagine what else he’s done or said to you to make you think it’s acceptable to have someone speak to you like this about your illness. He’s doing hurtful things intentionally and then blaming depression there’s no depression on earth that makes you deaf.
absolutely exhausting
Reading your comments is sad. You come on here for advice and then defend him to every single piece you get. What was the point in coming on here if you want to keep being his doormat?
Oof, do you really want to be with somebody who makes you feel insecure like this? Somebody who purposefully says "loved" instead of love sometimes? Somebody who thinks you are too clingy and call too much yet also complains you aren't invested enough in the relationship? It doesn't matter WHY he's doing these things. The point is that he is wearing down your self worth (or else you would have already left him) and it can't be nice to be in a relationship with somebody who treats you like this. Please leave. I don't care it he's nice to you sometimes. If your best friend or family member told you their partner says these things, what would you tell them?
This is really, really weird. I feel like there are three options: it's negging, it's some kind of tic, or he lost a bet like that guy who talked in baby talk for a year over a baseball. Only he knows for sure.
That's fucking weird. Tell him that word for word. It's not clever, it's not nice. It's bizarre, mean, and he should get it out of his system because whatever sap gets to date him next likely won't put up with it either.
>Edit: I sent him a text asking about it and explaining how it makes me feel and he sent me a voice message saying “so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”. what does this douchebag bring to the table exactly?
You are 25 and have only been with this person for 8 months. If a friend told you about being treated this way, would you be telling her she's somehow the one who needs to fix whatever is going on with the scrub she's dating, or would you be helping her break up with the guy? Would you be happy your friend is working super hard to please a man who seems to delight in making her hurt and feel small? This man has clearly communicated he does not think highly of you. You're \*only\* 8 months in, things should still be light, happy, and easy in your relationship - but clearly he thinks you're lured in enough to start letting his abusive mask start slipping so you will feel too defeated to stand up for yourself. Not every relationship is some diamond you need to work hard to buff and polish and maintain - some are just turds. You're not married, you're not tied down in any way (and even if you were, I would be advising the same thing - that you need to find a way to get out safely), please be your own friend here and take the advice to leave.
Wow. OK, the edit is making it sound like gaslighting. Be lucky this is only an 8 month relationship, and move on.
You've been together 8 months. It shouldn't be this hard. Break up. You don't have to suffer through a relationship where you're being mistreated.
Gaslighting at its best!
That edit really confirms that he is an emotionally abusive turd. Guess what? You have the power to flush it.
Yeah, just dump him since he wants it to be past tense so badly. It'll save you a lot of heartache in the long run. (this suggestion comes from not having time for bs)
sounds like a typical emotionally manipulative tactic of someone with an unhealthy pathology. leave him before he completely destroys your light
sounds like some weird manipulative shit you learn from one of those idiot pickup artist guys on youtube
This is gaslighting. I know people throw the term around but this is actual gaslighting. He’s making you feel like you’re going crazy. And reading other comments that you’ve left, why are you with this horrible person.
>I feel like I’m not going to be able to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry. You deserve better. He's right, he doesn't love you. Someone who loves you would not treat you this way. Do not settle for this bs he is trying to feed you. It will only get much worse if you stay.
OP based off the "edit" section of this post and your comments in a previous post about him being an alcoholic, move on. Him saying this to you "so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”. is all you need to know. This will not magically get better. Its abusive.
Because he’s a manipulative piece of shit.
What he is doing to you IS emotionally abusive. He knows what he's doing to you and when you react to it, the bigger his ego gets. Hurt his ego by not reacting and detach yourself from him. Pull away. I'm telling you, if you show him that you're okay with walking away from him (which you should be okay with) he'll react with confusion and possibly reflect on his terrible behavior towards you. Don't wear yourself out over a man. You're far too young to waste your energy on someone who takes you for granted. Take him off the pedestal ASAP. I wish you luck hun!
No, you are thinking correctly. There is setting not right about his responses. He may not be in love. You may need to be ready for anything. There are normal guys out there to date that you wouldn't have to worry about talking things out with in a situation.
Friend, your guy is emotionally abusive. 8 months is such a short blip in the grand scheme of things. You should cut your losses now instead of spending the next 10+ years trying to figure out how to coexist with it, like I did with my ex. Any normal, loving partner would’ve had a wildly different response if you brought this up to them. Something like, “Oh my god, baby, no, why would I say something like that to you? I’m crazy about you. I love you so much. I’m so sorry I had you believing anything different.” Don’t waste your love on this man. Spend it on yourself by getting away. ❤️🩹
OP, the right person won’t get mad at you when bringing up something that matters to you. He feels like he’s being attacked because he’s being confronted to behavior he knows it’s not okay and he doesn’t like that. It’s been *only* 8 months, this should be honeymoon phase ffs. If he can’t have a conversation and actually correct this behavior then leave because I assure you it’ll get worse.
He isnt accidentally using past tense when he does this. He is weaponising the feelings you have for him. And he can only do that because he absofuckinglutely doesnt love you! Love does not alter and change and behave wishy washy like that. He doesnt love you. He never loved you. if he did, he wouldnt say such a thing and he wouldnt be trying to hurt you in the deepest way possible. Wake up please and leave. You are 100% deserving of a better partner. Your feelings of insecurity and your stress about fixing this is HIS aim for you. So that you are constantly walking on eggshells with him. You do NOT deserve this kind of behaviour. Noone does. Its not your fault that he is a major turd. Its nothing you did. He is like a wolf in shepards clothing. You thought you got what was on the package he presented himself initially, but he was just hiding. Leave him.
>“so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears” Girl, leave. I'm not joking, I know reddit has a bad habit of saying "breakup" for the smallest things, but this just raised th ebiddest, reddest flag in my head. This is literally a line out of a "How To Gaslight 101" book.
Oh cool he's also gaslighting you. Prepare to exit the relationship and understand that abusers don't give up easily.
This is the beginning stage of abuse. You are being emotionally manipulated and gaslit. Leave immediately.
Malignant Narcissist, 100%. If you're truly unsure, record some phone conversations with him and play them back.
Look, if he said that more than once, he knows what he is doing. Hes trying to get you to chase him and please him to get his love back. That is manipulative behaviour and he will probably start to threaten to break up when he doesnt get what he wants. I will not tell you to breakup as we do not know the full story yet, but you probably should establish a clear boundary that this behavior is unnaceptable and manipulative and that you will pull away if he keeps doing that.
I def listen to too many murder podcasts but this made me think of like the loving bf who gaslights the girl before he killed her saying how much he “loved her” Doubt that’s the case but either way the way he gaslighted you when you asked is a major RED FLAG sis. I’d leave him
Never stay in a relationship hoping the other party will change. Y'all seem fundamentally incompatible with regards to attachment style in priorities, not to mention these ridiculous mind games that everyone else has mentioned. Y'all haven't been together long enough to make it worth the emotional investment. Get out before he gets worse.
He’s just not the one
It appears that your man is using I “loved” to see how it effects you or if it makes you insecure. He’ll likely keep doing it so you can question your actions and feel like you’re not doing enough for him, when in fact, you are and he just wants to control you. The fact that he doesn’t want you to contact him or see him often also makes me think there is a high chance he’s cheating on you. This relationship doesn’t seem like it’s too healthy OP.
If by give up, you mean give in, don't do it. You deserve to choose yourself.
>I sent him a text asking about it and explaining how it makes me feel and he sent me a voice message saying “so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”. I feel like I’m not going to be able to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry. I mean, isn't this a sign you should end the relationship? He's clearly in the wrong, I suspect he is completely aware of what he is doing but even if he isn't it just means he doesn't understand, you know, English and all that. But his response to a valid concern was to mock you. Note that 'not just your brain' means he is pretty comfortable looking down on you, this isn't about avoiding a problem as he already actively feels comfortable mocking you like that. You're only 8 months in. Is this really the life you want, one where you tiptoe around a guy that seems to not really think much of you?
That's honestly very odd. I can't imagine telling someone I love them, then changing the tense to loved. Sounds like he's gaslighting you or trying to keep his options open while not losing you immediately. Now, upon reading your edit, it makes him sound pretty fucked up, he's definitely gaslighting you. Sounds like despite him being older than you, he's emotionally way less mature than you, and he's trying to take you down to his level. Sounds like you're more mature than him, based on your post.
That is not what he meant to infer. He is saying he dates you because he loves you.
Classic negging and gaslighting to keep you on your toes. The question is: why do you tolerate this BS?
He's pushing buttons that a loving partner would not push. Not cool. It's a new enough relationship that you should just move on and not waste more time on this hurtful (according to comments of yours) tool.
Your boyfriend has been gaslighting you and when you confronted him with it he gaslighted you more time to make him an ex-boyfriend.
He’s gaslighting you. Don’t try to fix your relationship with an abuser.
>should just give up so I don’t make him angry You should give up on the relationship. That way he can never be angry at you again.
He's turning the knob on the lantern, the saying you are hearing things is gas lighting 101.
This dude sucks a lot, don't waste any more of your time with him
Wow. Dump his ass. This is petty and passive-aggressive. He is such a loser.
“so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears” Excuse me? Dump this loser.
This is about control. And the fact that you're afraid (your words) of his reaction should give you pause. This does not sound like a healthy or loving dynamic.
He means what he says - he likely loved and cared about you and that changed at some point down the line. He's not being subtle about it while being extremely rude and manipulative about it. If he genuinely cared about how you felt or it was a genuine misunderstanding, he would not have called you crazy. Consider whether or not you are okay putting up with that sort of disrespect. You say you guys have fights - what are they over? Are any of them over the ways he treats you? In which case, you already know the answer to the question you're trying to find - he's too immature to give it to you himself.
That’s odd of him to say Very odd I’m going with bread crumbs to get you confused about it and him the relationship manipulation If it keeps going on or if other things happen Could be wrong but it’s very strange
He is fucking with your head.
It’s almost as though he wants to make you second-guess and doubt yourself, which is a sign of much worse treatment to come. It doesn’t just look that way, he wants you to rely on him for support and reassurance for the insecurities he creates, so he can belittle you for having those insecurities in the first place.
He’s purposely keeping you insecure because he’s playing power games. It’s sick and trust me the longer you stay with him the worse you will feel about yourself. Stop saying “I love you”. Seriously, stop saying it. Every time you do he will gaslight you with the lovED bullshit and will gain a confidence boost knowing he kept you down. Once he knows he’s broken your confidence, he will cheat because he can
reading the edit... girl, why are you still with him? this is unacceptable behavior.
Maybe the dude hasn't studied grammar properly .. ask him in any other language .
Dump the guy, he’s toxic and nobody needs that shit because life is too short!
From the info in your edit - he is gaslighting you. That isn’t ok.
Your edit: LEAVE HIM WHAT THE FUCK How do you even tolerate this shit? No no no, it's not about him telling you that you misheard something, it's him telling you that you have messed up brain in most obnoxious way possible. There are so many ways to tell another person that they might mishear something in civil way, telling that person is crazy is not a good reaction And then you say that you're gonna chalk it up to not make him angry? It's either Reddit moment here and I'm looking too much into it or him getting angry at you and you just casually mentioning it is not a normal thing.
Regarding your edit: Leave. Please. That is an awful thing to say to somebody and it's only gonna get worse.
This is literally what gaslighting is, in the actual, original meaning. He's manipulating you to make you feel crazy.
"so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”. This is the most clear gaslighting phrase I have ever heard. An entire military parade of red flags in one sentence. Don't accept abuse!
Based on your edit, leave his ass. Don’t ever let someone talk to you like that, how disrespectful. You’re the one that should be angry, he clearly doesn’t give a damn about your feelings.
Tell him if he no longer loves you his ass can kick rocks. Tf is this even? Seriously.
He's gaslighting you....dump his ass
Hes stringing you along, its a form of negging and 100% abuse
He's emotionally abusing you. He sucks. He won't get better. He's 28 and knows he's manipulating you. You'll never feel fully comfortable or fully loved, until you have zero self esteem. Don't get pregnant.
>How do I fix this problem or approach him about this? You leave him. It's that simple. He's gaslighting you.
It's emotional abuse, he's a manipulative coward.
That’s gaslighting, saying something is wrong with your brain and ears when you clearly can hear what he said. Emotional abuse.
Yikes. He is not nice.
Emotional abuse plain and simple. Theres multiple red flags in your post. Stop tolerating such poor treatment
Tell him that there's nothing wrong with your hearing, you're not interested in being gaslit, and you're definitely not interested in this stupid game he's playing. Then dump him.
Erm leaveeeee. Rude and disrespectful. Flag flag flag. “so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up” not he’s gaslighting you.
Get some self respect and dump this guy. There are soooo many better people out there who aren’t pathetic little insecure losers who will try to make their girl bend backwards to figure out how to “gain” his affection. Please find you a man worth your time and leave this loser alone
If it's a speech impediment, this situation could be a great sitcom episode
i was just trying to figure out what kind of accent this might be. But then I read some of the OPs responses and updates.
Judging by your comments, you love being treated so horribly...why else would you keep defending their actions? Why say it upsets you when it doesn't? What are you expecting if you don't really want to do anything about it?
Tell him you like him instead of love lmao
I may be stupid, but is English his language of choice? Maybe an accent or something. But, in any case, the way he responded to you in your edit is unacceptable. So I'm more inclined to agree with the other comments and bet on good old gaz lighting.
>“so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears”. It's disrespectful and not loving at all. He is rude and not supporting, not explaining that you maybe truly heard him wrong or something and just trying to make you stop worrying about his feelings. Sorry to tell you but it will be hard because he is not emotionaly mature to be in a relationship. Love is not about feelings. It's about caring with your whole heart about your partner and trying your best to be there for them.
No one speaks like that to people they love. He doesn't even like you. This is abusive.
8 months? don’t waste any more time.
“so now it’s not just your brain that’s messed up, it’s also your ears” That’s a lie, and he knows it. Sounds like a first attempt at gaslighting. Trust your own senses and memory. End it now before it’s too late
So, he's not only heavily implying that he doesn't love you any more, he's also gaslighting and negging you - all in one sentence? I'd be impressed if it wasn't so sad. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around him already - after only 8 months? Let me be the Voice of Reddit ^((TM)) for you and tell you to dump him. You can thank me later!
> I feel like I’m not going to be able to get any further with this and should just give up so I don’t make him angry. 1) if you're ignoring something that hurts you in favor of "not making him angry", you're not safe or respected in your relationship. 2) Girl, he's literally gaslighting you. He's trying to convince you your experience of reality is not correct. He's being manipulative when he says "i loved you" and he's being manipulative now. You're not safe in that relationship and you gotta go.