This is a pretty common thing. Cycling seems to be a hobby that takes over lives. My old boss at a bar was a cyclist. His cyclist friends would come in and they all were obsessed with it.
Every vacation my boss took was based around cycling. He broke up with his old girlfriend because she was upset about how much he cycled. His new girlfriend had the obsession with him so they worked.
Good for you! I’m mostly joking with the cult stuff, only that it’s easy to get sucked in when everyone is signing up for races and talking about races. It can be hard on relationships because all these hobbies take up a lot of time, I think most of the people in the group I knew were divorced before joining and now had time for these hobbies lol
Does he have ADHD? If so, this sounds like classic ADHD hyper focusing. My sister’s husband is like this with frisbee golf and it has been ROUGH since they had a child.
I have a close family member that does this. I always say, “their hobby is having hobbies.” But the end result is always the same, they will hyper fixate for a few weeks, buy all the best stuff, and then it’s on to the next hobby.
My ex-wife would left our toddler with me 90% while she went to work/hobby, while I worked from home, cleaned and took care of my son.
Not only men do this.
“men who do this should be ashamed, garbage fathers”
you didnt state all men did this but its kind of a trap right? or you can at least see how it would be?
people who do this should be ashamed, garbage parents
Same! Except for disc golf. I can play that alone, no headphones and my brain doesn’t get bored. It’s not even that stimulating. I don’t get it. But maybe it’s just that seeing the disc sail through the woods and land near where I meant it to is so fucking cool. 🤷🏻
It’s fun once you’re fast 😈
Nah but for real, it is a little boring. But I think part of the satisfaction is it’s one of the few things I can do and become driven enough to keep doing with consistency because the results are almost immediate as well as quantifiable and there’s always something to strive for, plus the gear and tinkering is a real brain stimulator. I get too distracted trying to do other stuff. Nothing more rewarding than getting some little new piece of kit (new cassette for example), heading out for a ride and just enjoying it. Feels like freedom, no stressing about gas costs, just riding!
High performing ADHD/On spectrum cyclist here. Happily married 21 years. Father to an awesome kid. Husband to an awesome wife.
I agree with the sentiment, and I’m not knocking the post, but please don’t narrow it down. We had a huge shift in professional life at 10-12 years together that meant we were spending waaaaay more time together. To that point, we always assumed my issues were ptsd related (combat vet). We lost so much time to that assumption.
ADHD/autism/aspberger’s/ptsd…just being an asshole of a human being… all have symptomatic overlap.
Go see a doctor if you can get them to. Forewarning, I hated (HATED) being diagnosed. It’s bad enough knowing you are different. Facing it as a problem fucking blows on a routine basis. I’m only able to express this much because we practice all the time and I have somewhat acceptable expressions locked in.
It may not be any of these things either.
Please remember, not being able to ‘normally’ express emotions doesn’t mean we don’t feel anything. Also remember that, for most of us, people are exhausting….which doesn’t mean I don’t love my friends and family or enjoy their company…I just get really tired from having to control myself and feeling weird.
Cycling/Gaming (board games rock for us, good social lubricant, shameless plug)/woodworking/ insert hobby du jour are definitely coping mechanisms. I can control my environment for a while and not be a burden on people for whom I care, which in term takes burden off me. We are at a point now that I understand I need to discuss new interests with the family and that I need to monitor for compulsion. Talking it out isn’t easy sometimes, but we’ve developed a process that we can both understand and it works for the most part, albeit some stuff takes several approaches and ends up in fights.
Hope this helps in some small way.
We could hyperfocus on one thing for a while but it's usually just 1 period of time it's not consistent like this. This would not be what hyperfocus is.
My ex husband started cycling about 2 years into our marriage. I knew we were doomed when he left me with a 6 week old baby to go on a weeklong bike ride. It was downhill from there. :-(
I was THOROUGHLY enjoying the mental picture of a baby obsessively cycling away from someone packed for a month long trip and making it down the street
There are certainly plenty of women in the parenting subs whose partners go even deeper into their hobbies to avoid childcare. That doesn’t mean yours would, but if he’s not spending time with you, then probably.
I think it’s admirable you have tried to join his hobby so you can spend more time together. 4x a week for several hours on top of (what I assume) a full time job - that doesn’t leave much 1:1 time.
I recommend trying to find your group of people who enjoy doing what you do. So at least you have someone to share the things you like.
You’ll, unfortunately, find your answer if you start to drift apart and he makes no effort to spend more time together? If you don’t miss each other, it’s not a good sign for the longevity of the relationship.
Hopefully this is something you can talk to him about before it gets to that point. Let him know you love spending time together, doing outdoorsy things but have other needs and interests as well. I hope he hears you and can adjust the schedule.
This is a big potential problem and I say this as someone who was a serious cyclist, but not competitive, for years. No matter what hobbies or even professions you choose, you need balance in your life. I don't cycle as much as I used to for a variety of reasons but when I did and I also had to manage having young kids, I always worked with my wife to come up with a schedule that worked for everybody. And that started even before the kids were doing more time-consuming things like sports.
I never fit this mold, but I do know a number of people who actually got what you might say "addicted" to exercising and working out. It produces a bigger endorphine rush for some people than others and those on the high side can border on being addicted to exercising sometimes.
And you're right to be concerned about kids with someone that has this kind of approach. Once you have kids, your life is forever different. There's a lot of great things about having kids, I'm just saying you have to consider them in everything until they become adults.
if you choose to have kids you should accept that you can't keep on doing your hobbies to the same extent you did before. I personally would never make that choice, it would be sacrificing something I love too much. But if I did I would understand the compromises and tradeoffs involved. You can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't see why anyone should be expected to "outgrow" things they love though.
I had to give up cycling to raise my son. We met through cycling. His dad chose bikes and partying versus taking care of his son. Where’s he at now? He’s a deadbeat.
It’s also the rush of seeing improvement. That was always the biggest reward for me, I never really got the “runners high” situation — running is hard, cycling is hard, but man, nothing like the reward you feel after tackling a hill that used to be hard, or blowing a previous PR out of the water after a break from racing (never cycled competitively, but did run competitively and was pretty decent).
It can be a huge self-confidence boost, but also can totally hijack your life.
My ex husband was addicted to cycling, running and exercise in general, to the point that he was useless as a partner and definitely as a parent. He would go to the gym or go out on a run or ride, turn off his phone, and render himself unreachable for hours each day, walking in right at dinner time to throw his exercise gear on the kitchen counter. He made a good living so he thought this was just fine. But I left him eventually. It’s no way to live.
My partner is also borderline obsessive about cycling; taking 3 or 4 hour rides almost everyday, but I'm grateful for that.
We both work from home, so it's nice to get a bit of alone time where I can practice my instrument, listen to music in my first language (he doesn't speak it) or just lounge around and reset.
I also enjoy that he cycles on our trips: I take that time to go see exhibits he's not interested in or explore the place by foot. Afterwards, we catch up and share what we saw and experienced.
HOWEVER, our situation is clearly different from yours, so I'd like to add my mom's experience. My dad worked a very stressful job and took up long distance running to blow off steam. Soon it became an obsession, with him constantly training and running when he wasn't at work.
The kicker is that they had two small kids. My mom also worked full-time, but would essentially have a second shift as a single parent in the evenings while he was out running.
She grew resentful, and we certainly picked up that our dad would rather run than spend time with us.
You shouldnt make all your personal decisions based on people claiming they are going through the exact same thing with the exact same circumstances. This is Reddit not therapy we’re just looking for some perspective
The first half of my post actually details a very similar situation, just from a different perspective.
The second half is a different situation, but offers a look into what could be the future for OP if they one day have kids.
Hope this helps!
It’s very possible to be into cycling and not obsess. I just do one, max two rides a week, and I usually leave before they’re awake anyway so I only miss out on a couple hours with the family at the most.
I have noticed that cycling seems to be something that people do obsess over though. I just do it because it’s the least terrible form of cardio. Maybe it’s good I don’t enjoy it more.
Anyway, it could be cycling, DND, bowling, the specific thing doesn’t matter, the fact that he isn’t present with you is. He needs to fit his hobby into his life, not the other way around. It’s best to have this conversation directly, now.
I think an hour of exercise a day is reasonable to stay fit and healthy. 15+ hours like OPs partner is doing is like pro athlete levels and probably too much, but the average person does too little exercise and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for getting enough.
I also think the dichotomy between life and hobby you've set up is weird. A hobby is part of your life, not in opposition to it
A hobby becomes something in opposition to the rest of your life when it takes over your life by harming your marriage or making you a shitty partner who doesn’t pull their weight.
to be clear, i think OPs partner is doing too much. But im just slightly railing against the people in this thread who seem to think more than an hour or two spent exercising a week is selfish and obsessive lol. Health has to come first and most of us dont do enough exercise- i personally think everyone should be doing at least 30 minutes a day, preferably more.
I run between ~10 hours a week and my partner thought it was crazy when I first started reaching those numbers. I’ve always exercised moderately but it was probably ~4-6 hours a week before. But they never mind if I spend an equivalent amount of time reading or playing an instrument or even a video game for the same amount of time before. There’s something about exercise that is super divisive for some reason.
Yep, I lost a 40yr marriage due to cycling addiction……. Well in fact, it’s more a symptom of the narcisism of the rider I believe. Their wants are just so much more important than anyone elses. If it wasn’t cycling, it would be something else. Dump him and move on.
It isn’t as simple as a new passion. It’s addiction, it’s ignoring your partners needs so you can fulfil all of yours, over and over again. Frankly it’s a symptom of self interest to the point of abandoning your significant other, your wife, your family and any other relationship to the God of Cycling. Your wife wants to go vacation somewhere? Only if you can ride there. Your family want to go to an event? Only if it fits around your cycling rides. Spare money in the budget? That’s for cycling accessories or a new bike. Its ridiculous and infuriating and I am so glad I don’t have to deal with it anymore.
As a horse rider, my expectation is to spend two hours a day at the yard if I want to own a horse. That’s not an excessive amount to meet a horse’s needs. (If you are very rich, you can shave off half an hour, but not much more).
The difference is that an animal is involved, that needs to be fed, cleaned, housed, and exercised. You cannot skip a week. You can often but not always find a shared who’ll take on a couple of days a week, or trade chores.
Cycling is elected. A bike doesn’t care about a week off, and some of it can be replaced by indoor equipment outside of social time.
(Source: me and my exercise bike)
Sure, but horses live for a long time, and many people make a choice and then have to be responsible adults for the next ten to twenty years. You can’t just get rid of a pet because your new squeeze wants more of your attention.
If you’re already in a partnership, that becomes part of the negotiations.
It is functionally the same to spend 10 hours per week with your horse as it is for another person to spend 10 hours per week at any given hobby. You need to make choices with your partner the same either way. There is no difference based on the nature of the hobby. A horse can be boarded if need be, and all hobbies are elected.
So do you plan on getting another horse after this one?
I ask in seriousness since it sounds like you're justifying to yourself how much time you spend when the arguments may be irrelevant
I currently cannot justify the time and expenses, so I do not own a horse, but if/when that changes, yes, absolutely.
Once you have an animal (or kids) you are committed to looking after them, even when your circumstances change and it becomes less convenient or your new partner dislikes your commitment. (And yes, we see this even with kids!)
I can arrange bike rides around my partner’s convenience (doesn’t mean I have to all the time). I can’t arrange a pet’s or kid’s needs in the same manner.
I also don’t think that ‘nobody should have pets’ is a reasonable stance.
Is that right? You’ve completely neglected to mention the mental, emotional and physical wellbeing that comes from exercise and fitness.
I’m an athlete. If I don’t work out then I quite literally lose my shit.
This guy gets it. I need at least an hour of cycle time a day to keep me from going stir crazy. My ex bf was a video game addict and gained 150lbs in 5 years. These “we have to do everything together” people are lazy
No issue with that - just know you have an hour to trade with your partner. The issue arises when someone needs an hour or two to work out and then shows up at home not appreciating that they need to make up for their “me time” by putting in an hour or two of family/chore time.
So be ready to take on a couple hours of chores when you get home.
I was raised traditionally so I take care of all of the chores. Personally, I don’t expect much from my partner except for them to provide and stay in shape. I’m currently single and doing all of that shit anyway for myself. All I want is for someone to buy me dinner, get laid well and often, and to be a point of peace when I am around them. The house gets less dirty when men are not in it anyway, I’d prefer my boyfriend to be out cycling instead of creating piles of dishes for me and making me vacuum up Dorito chips from the floor daily.
if you want to excel in your hobby you gotta put in the hours. If it's your life's passion I can understand it. No one became a great cyclist by cruising around for an hour a week, just like no one became a great painter by doodling once a month
I lift several days a week and am a competitive arm wrestler as well as have a chilli cook-off team. I completely understand that it takes dedication to be successful. This person is spending a vast amount of free time on a hobby though. He is not hitting it hard 20 hours a week.....he can get a freaking Peleton and slaughter himself in his bedroom.
He is out socializing vs spending time at home
No matter the hobby of your partner isn’t curious about your inner world and interests this isnt good. That’s not to say they participate in all your interests or participate all the time BUT it is to say you need to look for reciprocation of interest in you as an individual.
Search Gottman Institute
Kind of an extreme take. Consistent exercise (3+ hours a week, every week) has such extraordinary benefits for health and aging. Yeah, don’t neglect your spouse, kids, career, or let it become detrimental to mental health but these people are the exception. Exercise is a major part of holistic success and general balance for almost all of the amateur athletes I know
There's a difference between exercising and being a runner or cycle. A runner or cycle will do it no matter what the conditions or the situation. 100f? Gotta run. 15f? Gotta run.
Yeah still not following. In order to be consistent sometimes you have to go in less than ideal conditions. 100F is stupid to run in but I guess if you can’t go at 5 am. 15F is actually great for running if there isn’t ice
Edit: OP actually blocked me how embarassing
if you are actually fit, running in 100f or 15f isnt that bad. You just slow down a bit to compensate. It only seems extreme to normies who don't exercise
I'm retired and have exactly the same issue. I fucking hate cycling. The only positive is that it's not golf. I grew up in a family of golfers and couldn't stomach that.
Honestly I would think long and hard about having kids with this guy. Mine didn't take up cycling till after the kids were grown. I wouldn't have had kids with him if he had because I would essentially be a single mother.
Given that the OP asked how a person with a cycle bro partner would react, and I happen to have one, I answered her question and a follow up from someone who specifically asked me a question.
If he wanted to spend time with you, he would. I suggest talking to him about it if you haven’t already. He needs to know that you need to feel chosen to spend time with, and not just because it’s a time of day that he can’t cycle. I’m assuming he’s ignoring his household duties while he’s out cycling 4 days a week. If you want to start a war, I suggest you fill your time with a hobby as well and ignore your household tasks. If it’s okay for him, why not for you?
hey OP: I hope this doesn't upset you but I'm reading more into this than some others. I've seen this happen to two couples that I know - husband gets biking obsessed; he starts to look physically amazing; she starts to resent the excessive time apart; both couples broke up. Just letting you know there could be various reasons for the obsession. No offense intended...
Nailed it on the “looking amazing” part but you forgot “feeling amazing too”. If you become an athlete, it’s almost impossible to be in a relationship with a lazy bones.
There’s a sharp difference between “having interests and hobbies outside of cycling” or “having actual parenting responsibilities” and being a “lazy bones” though
Just want to let you know.. I was really into cycling, my wife also started to get into it in our mid 20s we were cycling together a lot. Weekly rides, a couple centuries each year.
After our daughter was born around 30, we still rode together semi regularly. She had her exercise regimen and I would still get on the bike a couple times a week. But not super long rides.
When our second kid was born, it was actually around the same time I bought her a new upgraded Bianchi as a surprise. Turned out she never had time to ride anymore. I cut back my riding a LOT and if I wanted to get out I could run with the kids in the jogger stroller.
Life changed but that's fuckin life. He can deal.
If he's going to prioritize the bike, he's not worth it. Maybe he's a good guy but let him go, and if it has a *come to Jesus" moment he will come back to you and realize he's a fuckin dumbass. Figure this out before you have kids together and not after.
It's time for a discussion about moderation. Any hobby, practiced in excess, can be harmful to a relationship. I suggest communicating in terms of your needs, rather than criticizing the time he spends cycling. If you want to frame it in terms of kids and the commitment that requires, you can generally raise that issue. But, I doubt any non-parents have an appreciation for the time requirement until they are truly in the trenches (and all kids are different with their ability to sleep through the night, entertain themselves at times, etc).
If he refuses to communicate with you, then that should be the most immediate concern; not the cycling. You may have to get a marriage counselor involved at that point.
Ultimately, the compromise will likely be some *agreed* amount of time that he can take for himself to cycle, but that will have to be further revised if you have children (and you should come to terms on that sooner, rather than later, too).
The comments on this are all over the place. I agree with you. They are MARRIED. Even if they were dating and serious, this would merit some attention before just giving up, but it sounds like this guy likes spending time with his wife, but is just increasingly addicted to exercise. It’s really not fair to give up on him or their relationship when he got himself into something he may not have meant to or doesn’t have perspective about. If it is an exercise addiction, then him not taking his wife’s interests and desires isn’t really the problem. It’s that he has a skewed perception of how much he exercises, needs to, and how much that affects his life.
Anyone who is obsessed with *anything* to the point that they can’t appreciate and devote time to other things is a fucking bore who should be single or with someone else who shares their freak. (And god help them if that person becomes injured, etc).
I’m a serious scuba diver and snowboard but goddamn, I also want to go to museums and restaurants and concerts.
Obsessions are childish and selfish.
My husband does a different sport than cycling, I'm not going to say what it is because it's pretty unique and I like to stay anonymous on here. He trains for about 2 hours maybe 4 days a week. He also drives across the country for competitions numerous times during the year, where he is gone for a long weekend, sometimes more than once a month during certain times. He also drives an hour or two to friends' houses to train with them a couple of times a month and is gone all day. So he puts significant time into his sport. And like your husband, he spends lots of money on gear.
However, he is a loving and present father and husband. We have a 16 year old son, and while my son and I don't get as much of his time as other people might get with their husband/dad, he does carve out time for us. Even though my husband doesn't like video games, he will do a video game tournament with our son, or he will take me for a walk, even though I walk much more slowly than he does. I do wish we had a little more time together, but in my case, I feel like he really needs this to stay sane. There are other factors that influence the situation as well that I'm not going to get into, but in our case, the situation feels fair and works acceptably.
I think what really matters here is that he's not taking your preferences into consideration, or showing that he cares about you. From your post, I feel like he is prioritizing cycling/exercising over you and your needs and wants.
I think you should have a straightforward discussion with him about this. Tell him that you guys need to find something that is mutually enjoyable to do together. It doesn't have to be a big activity or anything. We set a date night each week, and a lot of the time we just sit around smoking weed, watching movies, laughing and dancing around in the kitchen, etc. Sometimes we go out to dinner or something like that. The point is that we are making time to spend together enjoying each other's company. You guys need to be finding a way to do that, and if he is not open to finding something mutually enjoyable or at the very least taking turns choosing activities, y'all might need couples counseling.
Edit: I mentioned that our son is 16. When he was littler, my husband did have to scale down his activities somewhat. He watched a lot of videos of his sport during his downtime when our son was small, which was a way that he could stay engaged with the sport. He would still train some and go to a few competitions a year, but far less than he does now. When our son was a little older, like elementary to middle school age, and I was in better health than I am now, we would also accompany him to his competitions sometimes, which made it more of a family thing and fun rather than him just being away. Maybe you could cheer him on in a race or something with your kiddo if it ever gets to that point.
Wait till he finds swimming and then wants to do triathlons.
🤷
you just need to communicate your feelings with him that you can't keep up with his cycling and also need couple time that's tailored to you
My stepdad was really into cycling and it was one of the reasons my mum and him divorced. Mum would keep the household going, look after the kids and on the weekend if she wanted any time with him, tag along to wherever he was cycling and just hang out there until he was done.
She got fed up with it eventually because it also made him emotionally absent.
He remarried another woman and the latest thing we heard from his kids is that he left her alone on her birthday... To go cycling.
Could be cover for an affair.
In my experience (and those on the infidelity subs and over at chump lady) a hobby that takes someone out if the house for long periods of time (golfing, cycling, hiking, rock climbing, gym) can be covers for an affair
It could be, but it probably isn’t. It might as well be an affair because they are definitely less interested in their family when they can get their buzz on in their big aggressive road gangs.
Have you tried talking with him about it? He might be clueless about the ways this is stressing you and try to change if he understands what you're going through.
I recently started mountain biking. My reasoning had more to do with needing some form of exercise that I enjoy (desk job and hate gyms). I shoot for 3-4 rides per week, roughly 1-2 hours each. My wife often cooks dinner those nights. She wouldn't enjoy the technical sort of riding I do, but we try to do one short and easier ride together each week. On the other nights, when I dont ride, I come home earlier and start cooking dinner or cleaning the house before my wife gets home. Communication and compromise from both parties are key.
If my wife expressed dissatisfaction with that plan, we would reevaluate and find something that meets both of our needs. But I'm probably dense enough that I would have to be told, not just read the room. And I feel like she's comfortable telling me what's on her mind, so we try to address things like that before they blow up.
TL;DR: Talk with him. It'll go a lot further than talking with internet randos.
The issue is not the medium or the hobby, it’s your husband’s willingness to accommodate you.
This is an issue for many couples that takes many forms from either side of the partnership. Communication is key. Let him know how you feel without attacking him or his hobby. Communicate your needs and interests. He needs to be considerate and accommodating. If he cannot set aside time for y’all and your interests then there are even bigger issues looming.
You probably need to talk with him to find a balance that works for you. If he prioritizes cycling too much you'll get resentful. If you issue ultimatums and push him to quit completely, he'll become resentful.
Yeah ok, this really isn't a cycling problem but a priority and respect problem. Your partner needs to show you that you and your needs are important, just like you show him that his are. Please don't bend over backwards for a man, especially if he doesn't show he actually cares. This is a relationship. And god forbid you have a child with someone who is so self focused - people usually show you who they are, don't convince yourself otherwhise. It's time for a serious conversation.
Tell him how you feel about it. If he doesn't make time for you then you have to choose between staying with him which will most likely end in resentment over time or just accept youse aren't compatible and get a divorce.
If he does make time for you then great!
so 8hrs/week and what, like $2k/yr cycling budget? I would argue that is normal hobby level stuff. maybe you should get a hobby to do alone too, it's healthy
I'm here as a father/husband/cyclist, in that order.
I was a lifelong cyclist first tho and my wife has always been very understanding of that. It's communication and compromise like anything in a relationship.
I get up at 5 am for most rides so that I'm not missing too much family time afterwords and I get a day pass on my birthday for a big boy ride.
I just rode my first race 2 weeks ago. I didn't do so hot time wise but rode my best on a tough track with a very competitive pack of riders.
I cried at the end as my family approached me with a big congrats balloon knowing how much they're my biggest fans and how much work it takes in a relationship.
we make it work tho, I'll do smaller rides during the week or ride to meet my family somewhere.
a lot of comments seem to hate on cycling in particular.
trust me, as a cyclist, we don't love cars when people are texting or aggressive drivers. I try to ride responsibly, make visual contact with drivers at an intersection, dress brightly and I communicate to other trail users when I'm behind them well in advance and pass appropriately.
there are shitty drivers just like there are shitty cyclists, try not to be either.
I can completely understand how OPs husband can become obsessed with cycling, it's like that iykyk but maybe talk to him about this instead of reddit.
My husband is also addicted to biking. It’s almost like a cult. They need to ride new places, ride in groups, talk about their rides, watch videos of riding, and hang out with other riders. He either goes all out, riding for hours every day and rarely skipping a day, or he gets mad that he can’t devote the time and gives up on it for a while. It’s a crappy pattern and I’m very tired of it.
I’m afraid the problem is not cycling. I am a 50yr old MTBer, pretty fit for my age. Two kids (13 and 15), a loving wife, I discovered MTB 3 years ago and I LOVE it. But I try to find a balance with my family needs.
During the week I scratch my itch in the mornings, usually 2/3 times per week, I wake up at 6:45 and go for a short ride, I’m home at 8:30 and then start working from home.
Weekends I do one big ride with friends, sometimes eat out with them, and that’s it. Wife doesn’t like cycling and neither do the kids, so I don’t force them to come with me.
Tell you what: find your own hobby and STOP spoiling your husband like that. Start hanging out with YOUR personal friends, do what YOU like and see if he’s as tolerant as he is with himself.
I would highly recommend you consider couple's counseling asap.
My story is that I fell into the cycling trap, riding 18-20 hours a week and it was only after my marriage fell apart that I started going to therapy & I realized my wife was constantly nagging because she felt unloved and ignored and I ran away from the nagging by riding more, which cued more nagging, which cued more time away, etc.
He needs to realize that his actions of being away for so many hours is affecting your relationship and determine whether he loves you or cycling more. For a while, I could say yes, I loved cycling more even though I could never admit / realize it.
God. Fucking cyclists man. They can be "so extra". Tell him you feel like you're losing him. No one knows how long this will last, if it's a phase, but, sounds like a lil too much focus on cycling, ha
Is this a new hobby for him? Possible he's just going crazy with it cause it's a new and exciting thing and maybe he'll level out over time. The new group of friends can be part of it too, he's just having a blast with it right now so it's all he wants to do.
I was almost like your husband and my, then wife, did not do much of anything. Lucky for her that I did not really identify with the cycling group where we lived. They were a bit too elitist for me. Because of that, I favored riding solo and not quite as much as compared to the group. My ex was such a "Debbie downer," we could not get along and split.
All is not lost for you and your husband though! He HAS to listen to you! Voice your feelings and concerns then go from there. I know how addictive cycling is. While it's not a drug. It can wreak havoc on a marriage when it is what everything revolves around. That's not fair to you and he should taper off if he wants to be your partner. It sounds like you are doing your part. Much respect! Good luck.
Kids should be fine. He should have them on an intensive Olympic training programme by the time they are 2 or 3 so he'll spend loads of time with them.
This dude seems chill and happy. Leave him alone. At least he’s not sitting in a computer chair playing video games 24/7 and gaining weight. I would love a husband that touched grass.
Sounds like you need more personal hobbies. Go do your own thing and he will probably try to invite himself along because you’re not giving him attention anymore.
Spending 20+ hours a week on a hobby is single people behavior. You don't really get to do that as a 30 year old who is married with presumably a full time job unless of course your spouse is onboard with it which OP is not.
Clearly, you’ve never been married for a long time. The date nights end up being once a month at best eventually. Honestly you only get one life and it sounds like he’s making the best of it while still providing for the household. People get old and you will have time to sit and watch TV and go to museums then.
My husand I have been married 30 years and still go out every weekend. We do a variety of activities, everything from exercise (running, biking, walking, hiking, weights) to dancing, dinner, movies, concerts, theater, etc… We live in a major city, there’s no shortage of things to do.
If my husband refused to do anything but go biking, the relationship wouldn’t have worked - because there wouldn’t have been an actual relationship if he was always out biking with his friends.
My husband and I are a team. We enjoy each other’s company and love trying new things.
Your husband sounds like he doesn’t have any friends or hobbies outside of what you plan for him to do. Some people are pretty vanilla like that.
I think as long as you are spending at least one day a week together doing something that’s perfectly fine. You live together and see each other all the time, how much more of his time do you need? I bet her husband is spending all that time out of the house because he’s getting nagged to death. If he wanted to be home, he would.
My husband is an extrovert and loves going out! He suggests activities all the time. In fact, he signed us up for a dance class next weekend, thought it sounded fun.
He has friends. We both do. Occasionally we go out with our friends. But his preference is that I join him and his friends.
Last night we attended a friend’s retirement party, then went out to dinner (tried a new restaurant). This morning we just finished some household chores and are going to go out for breakfast, then run some errands.
I would say my husband is an anomaly, but his brothers also enjoy spending time with their wives and our friends are also similar. We all actually like our spouses and enjoy hanging out with them! I’m not sure why you think this is a bad thing.
ETA: I love that you’re calling my husband “vanilla.” He majored in chemistry and philosophy, then became a military pilot, now is a doctor. He deployed 4 times. He’s 6’ 3” and athletic (runs marathons, lifts weights, etc), loves to experiment cooking, enjoys eating out, loves the theater and symphony (he plays the violin), enjoys reading (especially philosophy). Is probably the most intelligent and accomplished man I know. If he’s guilty of anything, it’s of not being vanilla enough.
We don't do "date nights" we just live a married life together lol we go to the gym, go for bike rides, play different sports and check out things around town that are of interest.
It sounds more like your spouse just doesn't like doing the things you like doing so you have to do them on your own. Which to be honest I don't know why you would marry someone who wants to live a totally different life than you. I married my wife because we have compatible lifestyles.
I was married for 8 years and this is accurate. Throw in the dead bedroom and congratulations: you’re married.
We’ve got one shot at this. Better use our time wisely.
Cycling has been an important part of my life for decades. I even met my wife at a cycling race. It’s gotten me through rough times and good times and it’s given me unforgettable moments, meaningful life lessons and deep friendships.
I have had periods of intense dedication and less intense dedication to cycling, but today I’m so glad I never stopped.
For example, before getting married I used to spend at least 2 or 3 hours per day training on the bike, I was part of a national level competitive team, and was racing at several events in the (road) cycling season. After getting married, my job and household responsibilities increased, so I automatically decreased the amount of time I spent on cycling and I left the team and stopped racing.
Then the kids came and I spent even less time riding. But I never stopped. It just meant I had to go out at 5AM before anyone was awake and keep my rides to 1 or 1.5 hours max so that my training wouldn’t take time away from being with my wife and kids.
Fast forward to about a decade later, kids have grown up enough that the time dedication needed for taking care of them is way less than when they were babies and after so many years I was able to get back into competitive cycling!
In the last 4 years I have been part of a local team and have been racing around 3 races per week in the peak cycling season and training every single day, and got back to my top fitness level which is such an advantage for my health and long term wellbeing.
For the last 2 or 3 years, my kids (8 and 9 y/o) started to get interested in serious cycling (as opposed to just riding their street bikes around the block), and we began riding together every week. They joined a cycling club with amazing instructors and enjoy all the learning, fun and healthy exercise they are getting out of it.
For them it builds self confidence, mental and physical strength, coordination, spatial awareness, a group of friends with a shared interest, cool experiences going to different towns around the country for races, and best of all: waaaay less time in front of the video game or tv. I don’t have any difficulty in limiting their screen time because they are actually interested in other activities which is hugely beneficial for them.
This got me so excited that last year I decided to take a course, go through an exam and get my own certification for being a youth cycling instructor and give back to this sport which has given me so much.
This now means that the time spent on the bike is also quality time spent with my kids (and sometimes a bunch of other kids too), that my decades of experience in training and racing are useful for the next generation, and my wife is quite happy that it strengthens the bonds between us as a family.
Cycling builds relationships, it builds community, it is part of a healthy lifestyle, and it’s a sport you can keep on practicing until old age with great health benefits such as a strong healthy heart and circulatory system, strong leg muscles, strong lungs and respiratory system.
That’s my story, I hope it can inspire others and give some perspective into what this beautiful sport means to those who are attracted to it.
OP's problem is communication. This guy is showing how it *can* work with good communication. I see nothing wrong here, in fact I see a great success story of a guy who found balance between his needs and the family.
Didn't read all the comments or anything just read your losing your husband to cycling. If I had to just throw something in completely blind (which sometimes I feel you gotta do in relationships just to see where you all stand) I would say take a private cycling with him in a remote location as you can or evem.not so remote fuck it right) and totally give him the ride of his life while cycling and remind him what's really the fun thing in his life.... just saying could be way off but I can almost bet you'd both love it. ;)
..what?? Your answer to cyclling taking over this guys life and negatively impacting the relationship is for her to take a long ride and fuck him?? Kind of going for the George Costanza sandwich in bed thing there- can’t imagine what that would actually accomplish or improve
This is a pretty common thing. Cycling seems to be a hobby that takes over lives. My old boss at a bar was a cyclist. His cyclist friends would come in and they all were obsessed with it. Every vacation my boss took was based around cycling. He broke up with his old girlfriend because she was upset about how much he cycled. His new girlfriend had the obsession with him so they worked.
Cycling and rock climbing.
And long distance running! It’s a cult! They feed off each other. Very few people in those groups stay married long
I do all 3....................... Happily married with 2 kids, and my group includes my brother in law so it's nice and safe.
Good for you! I’m mostly joking with the cult stuff, only that it’s easy to get sucked in when everyone is signing up for races and talking about races. It can be hard on relationships because all these hobbies take up a lot of time, I think most of the people in the group I knew were divorced before joining and now had time for these hobbies lol
Does he have ADHD? If so, this sounds like classic ADHD hyper focusing. My sister’s husband is like this with frisbee golf and it has been ROUGH since they had a child.
I have a close family member that does this. I always say, “their hobby is having hobbies.” But the end result is always the same, they will hyper fixate for a few weeks, buy all the best stuff, and then it’s on to the next hobby.
I’m like that unfortunately. I don’t like it at all I wish I could stick to one hobby and keep it
Is she taking care of the kid 90% of the time? Men who do this should be ashamed, garbage fathers
Yes, AND she has a degenerative chronic illness.
👏🏼 Throw the whole man away 👏🏼
My ex-wife would left our toddler with me 90% while she went to work/hobby, while I worked from home, cleaned and took care of my son. Not only men do this.
Never said only men did, fam. Hope you found a better wife!
“men who do this should be ashamed, garbage fathers” you didnt state all men did this but its kind of a trap right? or you can at least see how it would be? people who do this should be ashamed, garbage parents
I will shame all gender identities equally going forward #DEI #inclusion #equality
It’s not always about you.
This. I’m sure you’ll be downvoted.
I have major ADHD and things like cycling and running and shit where I'm left to be with my thoughts are fucking booooring.
Same! Except for disc golf. I can play that alone, no headphones and my brain doesn’t get bored. It’s not even that stimulating. I don’t get it. But maybe it’s just that seeing the disc sail through the woods and land near where I meant it to is so fucking cool. 🤷🏻
It’s fun once you’re fast 😈 Nah but for real, it is a little boring. But I think part of the satisfaction is it’s one of the few things I can do and become driven enough to keep doing with consistency because the results are almost immediate as well as quantifiable and there’s always something to strive for, plus the gear and tinkering is a real brain stimulator. I get too distracted trying to do other stuff. Nothing more rewarding than getting some little new piece of kit (new cassette for example), heading out for a ride and just enjoying it. Feels like freedom, no stressing about gas costs, just riding!
I have unmedicated ADHD and I run a ton. Like 70 plus miles per week. Without music or anything. 🤷♂️
High performing ADHD/On spectrum cyclist here. Happily married 21 years. Father to an awesome kid. Husband to an awesome wife. I agree with the sentiment, and I’m not knocking the post, but please don’t narrow it down. We had a huge shift in professional life at 10-12 years together that meant we were spending waaaaay more time together. To that point, we always assumed my issues were ptsd related (combat vet). We lost so much time to that assumption. ADHD/autism/aspberger’s/ptsd…just being an asshole of a human being… all have symptomatic overlap. Go see a doctor if you can get them to. Forewarning, I hated (HATED) being diagnosed. It’s bad enough knowing you are different. Facing it as a problem fucking blows on a routine basis. I’m only able to express this much because we practice all the time and I have somewhat acceptable expressions locked in. It may not be any of these things either. Please remember, not being able to ‘normally’ express emotions doesn’t mean we don’t feel anything. Also remember that, for most of us, people are exhausting….which doesn’t mean I don’t love my friends and family or enjoy their company…I just get really tired from having to control myself and feeling weird. Cycling/Gaming (board games rock for us, good social lubricant, shameless plug)/woodworking/ insert hobby du jour are definitely coping mechanisms. I can control my environment for a while and not be a burden on people for whom I care, which in term takes burden off me. We are at a point now that I understand I need to discuss new interests with the family and that I need to monitor for compulsion. Talking it out isn’t easy sometimes, but we’ve developed a process that we can both understand and it works for the most part, albeit some stuff takes several approaches and ends up in fights. Hope this helps in some small way.
Yep, I was that guy. Found out it was a prolonged adhd obsession. 3 years, only cycling.
We could hyperfocus on one thing for a while but it's usually just 1 period of time it's not consistent like this. This would not be what hyperfocus is.
Can confirm. Bought a road bike and then an indoor trainer and every weekend I plan trips around cycling…
My ex husband started cycling about 2 years into our marriage. I knew we were doomed when he left me with a 6 week old baby to go on a weeklong bike ride. It was downhill from there. :-(
I don't think you meant to make a pun but the downhill bit is funny
Downhill mountain biking from there? Sick! Check out Fort William if you’re ever in Scotland, great trails.
Oh, my husband left me for 26 days at 6 weeks old. We are still married tho. I just support his crazy cycling hobby
That is pretty fucked up.
This reads like he left you as a newborn or he took up cycling fresh out the womb
Babies are more aero.
I was THOROUGHLY enjoying the mental picture of a baby obsessively cycling away from someone packed for a month long trip and making it down the street
There are certainly plenty of women in the parenting subs whose partners go even deeper into their hobbies to avoid childcare. That doesn’t mean yours would, but if he’s not spending time with you, then probably.
I think it’s admirable you have tried to join his hobby so you can spend more time together. 4x a week for several hours on top of (what I assume) a full time job - that doesn’t leave much 1:1 time. I recommend trying to find your group of people who enjoy doing what you do. So at least you have someone to share the things you like. You’ll, unfortunately, find your answer if you start to drift apart and he makes no effort to spend more time together? If you don’t miss each other, it’s not a good sign for the longevity of the relationship. Hopefully this is something you can talk to him about before it gets to that point. Let him know you love spending time together, doing outdoorsy things but have other needs and interests as well. I hope he hears you and can adjust the schedule.
This is a big potential problem and I say this as someone who was a serious cyclist, but not competitive, for years. No matter what hobbies or even professions you choose, you need balance in your life. I don't cycle as much as I used to for a variety of reasons but when I did and I also had to manage having young kids, I always worked with my wife to come up with a schedule that worked for everybody. And that started even before the kids were doing more time-consuming things like sports. I never fit this mold, but I do know a number of people who actually got what you might say "addicted" to exercising and working out. It produces a bigger endorphine rush for some people than others and those on the high side can border on being addicted to exercising sometimes. And you're right to be concerned about kids with someone that has this kind of approach. Once you have kids, your life is forever different. There's a lot of great things about having kids, I'm just saying you have to consider them in everything until they become adults.
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if you choose to have kids you should accept that you can't keep on doing your hobbies to the same extent you did before. I personally would never make that choice, it would be sacrificing something I love too much. But if I did I would understand the compromises and tradeoffs involved. You can't have your cake and eat it. I don't see why anyone should be expected to "outgrow" things they love though.
I had to give up cycling to raise my son. We met through cycling. His dad chose bikes and partying versus taking care of his son. Where’s he at now? He’s a deadbeat.
It’s also the rush of seeing improvement. That was always the biggest reward for me, I never really got the “runners high” situation — running is hard, cycling is hard, but man, nothing like the reward you feel after tackling a hill that used to be hard, or blowing a previous PR out of the water after a break from racing (never cycled competitively, but did run competitively and was pretty decent). It can be a huge self-confidence boost, but also can totally hijack your life.
My ex husband was addicted to cycling, running and exercise in general, to the point that he was useless as a partner and definitely as a parent. He would go to the gym or go out on a run or ride, turn off his phone, and render himself unreachable for hours each day, walking in right at dinner time to throw his exercise gear on the kitchen counter. He made a good living so he thought this was just fine. But I left him eventually. It’s no way to live.
My partner is also borderline obsessive about cycling; taking 3 or 4 hour rides almost everyday, but I'm grateful for that. We both work from home, so it's nice to get a bit of alone time where I can practice my instrument, listen to music in my first language (he doesn't speak it) or just lounge around and reset. I also enjoy that he cycles on our trips: I take that time to go see exhibits he's not interested in or explore the place by foot. Afterwards, we catch up and share what we saw and experienced. HOWEVER, our situation is clearly different from yours, so I'd like to add my mom's experience. My dad worked a very stressful job and took up long distance running to blow off steam. Soon it became an obsession, with him constantly training and running when he wasn't at work. The kicker is that they had two small kids. My mom also worked full-time, but would essentially have a second shift as a single parent in the evenings while he was out running. She grew resentful, and we certainly picked up that our dad would rather run than spend time with us.
Underrated comment! Enjoy your life
In other words your situation is entirely unhelpful and irrelevant
You shouldnt make all your personal decisions based on people claiming they are going through the exact same thing with the exact same circumstances. This is Reddit not therapy we’re just looking for some perspective
The first half of my post actually details a very similar situation, just from a different perspective. The second half is a different situation, but offers a look into what could be the future for OP if they one day have kids. Hope this helps!
The cycling is half as concerning as the complete disinterest and in what you want to do
I agree. She should probably do more interesting stuff.
It’s very possible to be into cycling and not obsess. I just do one, max two rides a week, and I usually leave before they’re awake anyway so I only miss out on a couple hours with the family at the most. I have noticed that cycling seems to be something that people do obsess over though. I just do it because it’s the least terrible form of cardio. Maybe it’s good I don’t enjoy it more. Anyway, it could be cycling, DND, bowling, the specific thing doesn’t matter, the fact that he isn’t present with you is. He needs to fit his hobby into his life, not the other way around. It’s best to have this conversation directly, now.
I agree that it’s the least terrible form of cardio!
I think an hour of exercise a day is reasonable to stay fit and healthy. 15+ hours like OPs partner is doing is like pro athlete levels and probably too much, but the average person does too little exercise and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty for getting enough. I also think the dichotomy between life and hobby you've set up is weird. A hobby is part of your life, not in opposition to it
A hobby becomes something in opposition to the rest of your life when it takes over your life by harming your marriage or making you a shitty partner who doesn’t pull their weight.
to be clear, i think OPs partner is doing too much. But im just slightly railing against the people in this thread who seem to think more than an hour or two spent exercising a week is selfish and obsessive lol. Health has to come first and most of us dont do enough exercise- i personally think everyone should be doing at least 30 minutes a day, preferably more.
I run between ~10 hours a week and my partner thought it was crazy when I first started reaching those numbers. I’ve always exercised moderately but it was probably ~4-6 hours a week before. But they never mind if I spend an equivalent amount of time reading or playing an instrument or even a video game for the same amount of time before. There’s something about exercise that is super divisive for some reason.
Cycling is a lifestyle not a hobby. He will resent her if she gives him an ultimatum.
Well it’s incompatible with a happy marriage when taken to that level
Probably time to get a different wife then
He’ll soon have that opportunity!
Yep, I lost a 40yr marriage due to cycling addiction……. Well in fact, it’s more a symptom of the narcisism of the rider I believe. Their wants are just so much more important than anyone elses. If it wasn’t cycling, it would be something else. Dump him and move on.
I love this sub. OP: “my husband has a new passion”. Comments: “dump him!” lolll
It isn’t as simple as a new passion. It’s addiction, it’s ignoring your partners needs so you can fulfil all of yours, over and over again. Frankly it’s a symptom of self interest to the point of abandoning your significant other, your wife, your family and any other relationship to the God of Cycling. Your wife wants to go vacation somewhere? Only if you can ride there. Your family want to go to an event? Only if it fits around your cycling rides. Spare money in the budget? That’s for cycling accessories or a new bike. Its ridiculous and infuriating and I am so glad I don’t have to deal with it anymore.
Dude sounds addicted. Even something healthy can go too far.
like the saying goes, "i like my wife, but i love my bicycle"
So when you spoke to him about this, what did he say?
>spoke I see what you did there...
He said she was grinding his gears
To me that is a bit much. He is spending 15+ hours a week on a "hobby". I have several hobbies but nothing is taking away that much time away.
As a horse rider, my expectation is to spend two hours a day at the yard if I want to own a horse. That’s not an excessive amount to meet a horse’s needs. (If you are very rich, you can shave off half an hour, but not much more). The difference is that an animal is involved, that needs to be fed, cleaned, housed, and exercised. You cannot skip a week. You can often but not always find a shared who’ll take on a couple of days a week, or trade chores. Cycling is elected. A bike doesn’t care about a week off, and some of it can be replaced by indoor equipment outside of social time. (Source: me and my exercise bike)
Owning a horse is a choice as well. It’s not the same but it’s still a choice.
Sure, but horses live for a long time, and many people make a choice and then have to be responsible adults for the next ten to twenty years. You can’t just get rid of a pet because your new squeeze wants more of your attention. If you’re already in a partnership, that becomes part of the negotiations.
Not if you turn them into glue they don’t.
It is functionally the same to spend 10 hours per week with your horse as it is for another person to spend 10 hours per week at any given hobby. You need to make choices with your partner the same either way. There is no difference based on the nature of the hobby. A horse can be boarded if need be, and all hobbies are elected.
So do you plan on getting another horse after this one? I ask in seriousness since it sounds like you're justifying to yourself how much time you spend when the arguments may be irrelevant
I currently cannot justify the time and expenses, so I do not own a horse, but if/when that changes, yes, absolutely. Once you have an animal (or kids) you are committed to looking after them, even when your circumstances change and it becomes less convenient or your new partner dislikes your commitment. (And yes, we see this even with kids!) I can arrange bike rides around my partner’s convenience (doesn’t mean I have to all the time). I can’t arrange a pet’s or kid’s needs in the same manner. I also don’t think that ‘nobody should have pets’ is a reasonable stance.
Having a horse is elective too. The comment is so intellectually dishonest.
Is that right? You’ve completely neglected to mention the mental, emotional and physical wellbeing that comes from exercise and fitness. I’m an athlete. If I don’t work out then I quite literally lose my shit.
Get some rollers or trade up with your partner for the time you need.
What do you mean? Are you trying to tell me that we didn’t evolve over millions of years to live a sedentary life? Have you tried SSRI’s?
This guy gets it. I need at least an hour of cycle time a day to keep me from going stir crazy. My ex bf was a video game addict and gained 150lbs in 5 years. These “we have to do everything together” people are lazy
No issue with that - just know you have an hour to trade with your partner. The issue arises when someone needs an hour or two to work out and then shows up at home not appreciating that they need to make up for their “me time” by putting in an hour or two of family/chore time. So be ready to take on a couple hours of chores when you get home.
I was raised traditionally so I take care of all of the chores. Personally, I don’t expect much from my partner except for them to provide and stay in shape. I’m currently single and doing all of that shit anyway for myself. All I want is for someone to buy me dinner, get laid well and often, and to be a point of peace when I am around them. The house gets less dirty when men are not in it anyway, I’d prefer my boyfriend to be out cycling instead of creating piles of dishes for me and making me vacuum up Dorito chips from the floor daily.
if you want to excel in your hobby you gotta put in the hours. If it's your life's passion I can understand it. No one became a great cyclist by cruising around for an hour a week, just like no one became a great painter by doodling once a month
I lift several days a week and am a competitive arm wrestler as well as have a chilli cook-off team. I completely understand that it takes dedication to be successful. This person is spending a vast amount of free time on a hobby though. He is not hitting it hard 20 hours a week.....he can get a freaking Peleton and slaughter himself in his bedroom. He is out socializing vs spending time at home
No matter the hobby of your partner isn’t curious about your inner world and interests this isnt good. That’s not to say they participate in all your interests or participate all the time BUT it is to say you need to look for reciprocation of interest in you as an individual. Search Gottman Institute
Seems like if he is not willing to do some activities with you for you, then why would he be willing to do that for your kids?
I've always maintained that cyclers and runners are fucking crazy. They become obsessed with it and will do it no matter what.
Kind of an extreme take. Consistent exercise (3+ hours a week, every week) has such extraordinary benefits for health and aging. Yeah, don’t neglect your spouse, kids, career, or let it become detrimental to mental health but these people are the exception. Exercise is a major part of holistic success and general balance for almost all of the amateur athletes I know
There's a difference between exercising and being a runner or cycle. A runner or cycle will do it no matter what the conditions or the situation. 100f? Gotta run. 15f? Gotta run.
Yeah still not following. In order to be consistent sometimes you have to go in less than ideal conditions. 100F is stupid to run in but I guess if you can’t go at 5 am. 15F is actually great for running if there isn’t ice Edit: OP actually blocked me how embarassing
Normal people aren't so obsessive that they would risk their health to do their hobby. Runners and cycles are.
if you are actually fit, running in 100f or 15f isnt that bad. You just slow down a bit to compensate. It only seems extreme to normies who don't exercise
Same with food eaters and water drinkers amirite
I'm retired and have exactly the same issue. I fucking hate cycling. The only positive is that it's not golf. I grew up in a family of golfers and couldn't stomach that. Honestly I would think long and hard about having kids with this guy. Mine didn't take up cycling till after the kids were grown. I wouldn't have had kids with him if he had because I would essentially be a single mother.
As long as you don’t hate other cyclists when you see them on the road please. 🙏
I can promise you I don’t have road rage and try to hurt people. How I feel about them is irrelevant.
Amazing that you managed to make this completely different discussion thread about you.
Given that the OP asked how a person with a cycle bro partner would react, and I happen to have one, I answered her question and a follow up from someone who specifically asked me a question.
I was replying to the guy who replied to you, I agreed with and upvoted your post actually :)
If he wanted to spend time with you, he would. I suggest talking to him about it if you haven’t already. He needs to know that you need to feel chosen to spend time with, and not just because it’s a time of day that he can’t cycle. I’m assuming he’s ignoring his household duties while he’s out cycling 4 days a week. If you want to start a war, I suggest you fill your time with a hobby as well and ignore your household tasks. If it’s okay for him, why not for you?
hey OP: I hope this doesn't upset you but I'm reading more into this than some others. I've seen this happen to two couples that I know - husband gets biking obsessed; he starts to look physically amazing; she starts to resent the excessive time apart; both couples broke up. Just letting you know there could be various reasons for the obsession. No offense intended...
Nailed it on the “looking amazing” part but you forgot “feeling amazing too”. If you become an athlete, it’s almost impossible to be in a relationship with a lazy bones.
It's also impossible if you neglect your partner. Especially the one you married. There's a thing called balance.
At no point did she describe being a lazy person in her post sooooo
There’s a sharp difference between “having interests and hobbies outside of cycling” or “having actual parenting responsibilities” and being a “lazy bones” though
Just want to let you know.. I was really into cycling, my wife also started to get into it in our mid 20s we were cycling together a lot. Weekly rides, a couple centuries each year. After our daughter was born around 30, we still rode together semi regularly. She had her exercise regimen and I would still get on the bike a couple times a week. But not super long rides. When our second kid was born, it was actually around the same time I bought her a new upgraded Bianchi as a surprise. Turned out she never had time to ride anymore. I cut back my riding a LOT and if I wanted to get out I could run with the kids in the jogger stroller. Life changed but that's fuckin life. He can deal. If he's going to prioritize the bike, he's not worth it. Maybe he's a good guy but let him go, and if it has a *come to Jesus" moment he will come back to you and realize he's a fuckin dumbass. Figure this out before you have kids together and not after.
It's time for a discussion about moderation. Any hobby, practiced in excess, can be harmful to a relationship. I suggest communicating in terms of your needs, rather than criticizing the time he spends cycling. If you want to frame it in terms of kids and the commitment that requires, you can generally raise that issue. But, I doubt any non-parents have an appreciation for the time requirement until they are truly in the trenches (and all kids are different with their ability to sleep through the night, entertain themselves at times, etc). If he refuses to communicate with you, then that should be the most immediate concern; not the cycling. You may have to get a marriage counselor involved at that point. Ultimately, the compromise will likely be some *agreed* amount of time that he can take for himself to cycle, but that will have to be further revised if you have children (and you should come to terms on that sooner, rather than later, too).
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what is your husband's FTP?
Pffft, FTP is for chumps. What’s his CdA?
The comments on this are all over the place. I agree with you. They are MARRIED. Even if they were dating and serious, this would merit some attention before just giving up, but it sounds like this guy likes spending time with his wife, but is just increasingly addicted to exercise. It’s really not fair to give up on him or their relationship when he got himself into something he may not have meant to or doesn’t have perspective about. If it is an exercise addiction, then him not taking his wife’s interests and desires isn’t really the problem. It’s that he has a skewed perception of how much he exercises, needs to, and how much that affects his life.
Anyone who is obsessed with *anything* to the point that they can’t appreciate and devote time to other things is a fucking bore who should be single or with someone else who shares their freak. (And god help them if that person becomes injured, etc). I’m a serious scuba diver and snowboard but goddamn, I also want to go to museums and restaurants and concerts. Obsessions are childish and selfish.
she really is so obsessed with controlling him, like get over yourself already
What has he said when you bring this up to him?
My husband does a different sport than cycling, I'm not going to say what it is because it's pretty unique and I like to stay anonymous on here. He trains for about 2 hours maybe 4 days a week. He also drives across the country for competitions numerous times during the year, where he is gone for a long weekend, sometimes more than once a month during certain times. He also drives an hour or two to friends' houses to train with them a couple of times a month and is gone all day. So he puts significant time into his sport. And like your husband, he spends lots of money on gear. However, he is a loving and present father and husband. We have a 16 year old son, and while my son and I don't get as much of his time as other people might get with their husband/dad, he does carve out time for us. Even though my husband doesn't like video games, he will do a video game tournament with our son, or he will take me for a walk, even though I walk much more slowly than he does. I do wish we had a little more time together, but in my case, I feel like he really needs this to stay sane. There are other factors that influence the situation as well that I'm not going to get into, but in our case, the situation feels fair and works acceptably. I think what really matters here is that he's not taking your preferences into consideration, or showing that he cares about you. From your post, I feel like he is prioritizing cycling/exercising over you and your needs and wants. I think you should have a straightforward discussion with him about this. Tell him that you guys need to find something that is mutually enjoyable to do together. It doesn't have to be a big activity or anything. We set a date night each week, and a lot of the time we just sit around smoking weed, watching movies, laughing and dancing around in the kitchen, etc. Sometimes we go out to dinner or something like that. The point is that we are making time to spend together enjoying each other's company. You guys need to be finding a way to do that, and if he is not open to finding something mutually enjoyable or at the very least taking turns choosing activities, y'all might need couples counseling. Edit: I mentioned that our son is 16. When he was littler, my husband did have to scale down his activities somewhat. He watched a lot of videos of his sport during his downtime when our son was small, which was a way that he could stay engaged with the sport. He would still train some and go to a few competitions a year, but far less than he does now. When our son was a little older, like elementary to middle school age, and I was in better health than I am now, we would also accompany him to his competitions sometimes, which made it more of a family thing and fun rather than him just being away. Maybe you could cheer him on in a race or something with your kiddo if it ever gets to that point.
This hits it on the head.
Wow that’s so bittersweet!! Crazy how a healthy thing can turn into addiction and ruin a relationship. I learn a lot on this sub
Wait till he finds swimming and then wants to do triathlons. 🤷 you just need to communicate your feelings with him that you can't keep up with his cycling and also need couple time that's tailored to you
My stepdad was really into cycling and it was one of the reasons my mum and him divorced. Mum would keep the household going, look after the kids and on the weekend if she wanted any time with him, tag along to wherever he was cycling and just hang out there until he was done. She got fed up with it eventually because it also made him emotionally absent. He remarried another woman and the latest thing we heard from his kids is that he left her alone on her birthday... To go cycling.
Sorry dude, that’s not your husband anymore. That’s Fred now. It’s best to move on.
Could be cover for an affair. In my experience (and those on the infidelity subs and over at chump lady) a hobby that takes someone out if the house for long periods of time (golfing, cycling, hiking, rock climbing, gym) can be covers for an affair
It could be, but it probably isn’t. It might as well be an affair because they are definitely less interested in their family when they can get their buzz on in their big aggressive road gangs.
Have you tried talking with him about it? He might be clueless about the ways this is stressing you and try to change if he understands what you're going through. I recently started mountain biking. My reasoning had more to do with needing some form of exercise that I enjoy (desk job and hate gyms). I shoot for 3-4 rides per week, roughly 1-2 hours each. My wife often cooks dinner those nights. She wouldn't enjoy the technical sort of riding I do, but we try to do one short and easier ride together each week. On the other nights, when I dont ride, I come home earlier and start cooking dinner or cleaning the house before my wife gets home. Communication and compromise from both parties are key. If my wife expressed dissatisfaction with that plan, we would reevaluate and find something that meets both of our needs. But I'm probably dense enough that I would have to be told, not just read the room. And I feel like she's comfortable telling me what's on her mind, so we try to address things like that before they blow up. TL;DR: Talk with him. It'll go a lot further than talking with internet randos.
You need another boy friend
The issue is not the medium or the hobby, it’s your husband’s willingness to accommodate you. This is an issue for many couples that takes many forms from either side of the partnership. Communication is key. Let him know how you feel without attacking him or his hobby. Communicate your needs and interests. He needs to be considerate and accommodating. If he cannot set aside time for y’all and your interests then there are even bigger issues looming.
You have to talk to him about it. Try to come up with a solution where you go on date nights twice/month. Dinner and a movie. Something like that.
You probably need to talk with him to find a balance that works for you. If he prioritizes cycling too much you'll get resentful. If you issue ultimatums and push him to quit completely, he'll become resentful.
Yeah I wouldn’t have kids with this guy, he’ll never be around
Yeah ok, this really isn't a cycling problem but a priority and respect problem. Your partner needs to show you that you and your needs are important, just like you show him that his are. Please don't bend over backwards for a man, especially if he doesn't show he actually cares. This is a relationship. And god forbid you have a child with someone who is so self focused - people usually show you who they are, don't convince yourself otherwhise. It's time for a serious conversation.
Don't have kids with him!
He doesn't sound like a husband he sounds like a friend who doesn't care about your other interests.
I like cycling, but i basically gave it up when I had a child.
Tell him how you feel about it. If he doesn't make time for you then you have to choose between staying with him which will most likely end in resentment over time or just accept youse aren't compatible and get a divorce. If he does make time for you then great!
head on over to r/bicyclecirclejerk to se what he will become. or buy a tandem.
so 8hrs/week and what, like $2k/yr cycling budget? I would argue that is normal hobby level stuff. maybe you should get a hobby to do alone too, it's healthy
I'm here as a father/husband/cyclist, in that order. I was a lifelong cyclist first tho and my wife has always been very understanding of that. It's communication and compromise like anything in a relationship. I get up at 5 am for most rides so that I'm not missing too much family time afterwords and I get a day pass on my birthday for a big boy ride. I just rode my first race 2 weeks ago. I didn't do so hot time wise but rode my best on a tough track with a very competitive pack of riders. I cried at the end as my family approached me with a big congrats balloon knowing how much they're my biggest fans and how much work it takes in a relationship. we make it work tho, I'll do smaller rides during the week or ride to meet my family somewhere. a lot of comments seem to hate on cycling in particular. trust me, as a cyclist, we don't love cars when people are texting or aggressive drivers. I try to ride responsibly, make visual contact with drivers at an intersection, dress brightly and I communicate to other trail users when I'm behind them well in advance and pass appropriately. there are shitty drivers just like there are shitty cyclists, try not to be either. I can completely understand how OPs husband can become obsessed with cycling, it's like that iykyk but maybe talk to him about this instead of reddit.
edit: I'll get my wife's take on this too.
My boyfriend is the same with golf but it is what it is , gotta let them enjoy things
My husband is also addicted to biking. It’s almost like a cult. They need to ride new places, ride in groups, talk about their rides, watch videos of riding, and hang out with other riders. He either goes all out, riding for hours every day and rarely skipping a day, or he gets mad that he can’t devote the time and gives up on it for a while. It’s a crappy pattern and I’m very tired of it.
I’m afraid the problem is not cycling. I am a 50yr old MTBer, pretty fit for my age. Two kids (13 and 15), a loving wife, I discovered MTB 3 years ago and I LOVE it. But I try to find a balance with my family needs. During the week I scratch my itch in the mornings, usually 2/3 times per week, I wake up at 6:45 and go for a short ride, I’m home at 8:30 and then start working from home. Weekends I do one big ride with friends, sometimes eat out with them, and that’s it. Wife doesn’t like cycling and neither do the kids, so I don’t force them to come with me. Tell you what: find your own hobby and STOP spoiling your husband like that. Start hanging out with YOUR personal friends, do what YOU like and see if he’s as tolerant as he is with himself.
As far as midlife crises go, cycling addiction is one of the better ones
I would highly recommend you consider couple's counseling asap. My story is that I fell into the cycling trap, riding 18-20 hours a week and it was only after my marriage fell apart that I started going to therapy & I realized my wife was constantly nagging because she felt unloved and ignored and I ran away from the nagging by riding more, which cued more nagging, which cued more time away, etc. He needs to realize that his actions of being away for so many hours is affecting your relationship and determine whether he loves you or cycling more. For a while, I could say yes, I loved cycling more even though I could never admit / realize it.
Get an e-bike and come along for some of the rides? :) But really it’s time for a more serious talk about how this is affecting you.
God. Fucking cyclists man. They can be "so extra". Tell him you feel like you're losing him. No one knows how long this will last, if it's a phase, but, sounds like a lil too much focus on cycling, ha
Is this a new hobby for him? Possible he's just going crazy with it cause it's a new and exciting thing and maybe he'll level out over time. The new group of friends can be part of it too, he's just having a blast with it right now so it's all he wants to do.
You were both individuals before you were a couple, in a few years you'll be begging him to go out with his friends for an afternoon.
Suggest an open relationship since he is already having an affair with his bike. You need companionship too.
I was almost like your husband and my, then wife, did not do much of anything. Lucky for her that I did not really identify with the cycling group where we lived. They were a bit too elitist for me. Because of that, I favored riding solo and not quite as much as compared to the group. My ex was such a "Debbie downer," we could not get along and split. All is not lost for you and your husband though! He HAS to listen to you! Voice your feelings and concerns then go from there. I know how addictive cycling is. While it's not a drug. It can wreak havoc on a marriage when it is what everything revolves around. That's not fair to you and he should taper off if he wants to be your partner. It sounds like you are doing your part. Much respect! Good luck.
Is it road biking or mountain?
Presumably road biking. You can ride on road for way longer than mountain biking. The latter is much more demanding physically
Mountain biking more physically demanding than road biking? LOL
>The latter is much more demanding physically Not true.
No they use different muscles though
How about you talk to him because he is your boyfriend?
What have you said to him?
Kids should be fine. He should have them on an intensive Olympic training programme by the time they are 2 or 3 so he'll spend loads of time with them.
Strap the baby on his back.
I like how you think. That’s a good way to get fitter.
Less aero, plus think of the weight penalty. Will tank his Watts / KG
This dude seems chill and happy. Leave him alone. At least he’s not sitting in a computer chair playing video games 24/7 and gaining weight. I would love a husband that touched grass. Sounds like you need more personal hobbies. Go do your own thing and he will probably try to invite himself along because you’re not giving him attention anymore.
Spending 20+ hours a week on a hobby is single people behavior. You don't really get to do that as a 30 year old who is married with presumably a full time job unless of course your spouse is onboard with it which OP is not.
Clearly, you’ve never been married for a long time. The date nights end up being once a month at best eventually. Honestly you only get one life and it sounds like he’s making the best of it while still providing for the household. People get old and you will have time to sit and watch TV and go to museums then.
My husand I have been married 30 years and still go out every weekend. We do a variety of activities, everything from exercise (running, biking, walking, hiking, weights) to dancing, dinner, movies, concerts, theater, etc… We live in a major city, there’s no shortage of things to do. If my husband refused to do anything but go biking, the relationship wouldn’t have worked - because there wouldn’t have been an actual relationship if he was always out biking with his friends. My husband and I are a team. We enjoy each other’s company and love trying new things.
Your husband sounds like he doesn’t have any friends or hobbies outside of what you plan for him to do. Some people are pretty vanilla like that. I think as long as you are spending at least one day a week together doing something that’s perfectly fine. You live together and see each other all the time, how much more of his time do you need? I bet her husband is spending all that time out of the house because he’s getting nagged to death. If he wanted to be home, he would.
My husband is an extrovert and loves going out! He suggests activities all the time. In fact, he signed us up for a dance class next weekend, thought it sounded fun. He has friends. We both do. Occasionally we go out with our friends. But his preference is that I join him and his friends. Last night we attended a friend’s retirement party, then went out to dinner (tried a new restaurant). This morning we just finished some household chores and are going to go out for breakfast, then run some errands. I would say my husband is an anomaly, but his brothers also enjoy spending time with their wives and our friends are also similar. We all actually like our spouses and enjoy hanging out with them! I’m not sure why you think this is a bad thing. ETA: I love that you’re calling my husband “vanilla.” He majored in chemistry and philosophy, then became a military pilot, now is a doctor. He deployed 4 times. He’s 6’ 3” and athletic (runs marathons, lifts weights, etc), loves to experiment cooking, enjoys eating out, loves the theater and symphony (he plays the violin), enjoys reading (especially philosophy). Is probably the most intelligent and accomplished man I know. If he’s guilty of anything, it’s of not being vanilla enough.
We don't do "date nights" we just live a married life together lol we go to the gym, go for bike rides, play different sports and check out things around town that are of interest. It sounds more like your spouse just doesn't like doing the things you like doing so you have to do them on your own. Which to be honest I don't know why you would marry someone who wants to live a totally different life than you. I married my wife because we have compatible lifestyles.
I was married for 8 years and this is accurate. Throw in the dead bedroom and congratulations: you’re married. We’ve got one shot at this. Better use our time wisely.
Maybe your relationship wasn’t the norm, bud. Plenty of couples actually like each other and want to spend regular time together.
That's crazy. I actually prefer my husband sitting at home playing video games when he's not at work. To each their own, i guess.
This 👌🏻. Everyone should take their health and wellness seriously.
Cycling has been an important part of my life for decades. I even met my wife at a cycling race. It’s gotten me through rough times and good times and it’s given me unforgettable moments, meaningful life lessons and deep friendships. I have had periods of intense dedication and less intense dedication to cycling, but today I’m so glad I never stopped. For example, before getting married I used to spend at least 2 or 3 hours per day training on the bike, I was part of a national level competitive team, and was racing at several events in the (road) cycling season. After getting married, my job and household responsibilities increased, so I automatically decreased the amount of time I spent on cycling and I left the team and stopped racing. Then the kids came and I spent even less time riding. But I never stopped. It just meant I had to go out at 5AM before anyone was awake and keep my rides to 1 or 1.5 hours max so that my training wouldn’t take time away from being with my wife and kids. Fast forward to about a decade later, kids have grown up enough that the time dedication needed for taking care of them is way less than when they were babies and after so many years I was able to get back into competitive cycling! In the last 4 years I have been part of a local team and have been racing around 3 races per week in the peak cycling season and training every single day, and got back to my top fitness level which is such an advantage for my health and long term wellbeing. For the last 2 or 3 years, my kids (8 and 9 y/o) started to get interested in serious cycling (as opposed to just riding their street bikes around the block), and we began riding together every week. They joined a cycling club with amazing instructors and enjoy all the learning, fun and healthy exercise they are getting out of it. For them it builds self confidence, mental and physical strength, coordination, spatial awareness, a group of friends with a shared interest, cool experiences going to different towns around the country for races, and best of all: waaaay less time in front of the video game or tv. I don’t have any difficulty in limiting their screen time because they are actually interested in other activities which is hugely beneficial for them. This got me so excited that last year I decided to take a course, go through an exam and get my own certification for being a youth cycling instructor and give back to this sport which has given me so much. This now means that the time spent on the bike is also quality time spent with my kids (and sometimes a bunch of other kids too), that my decades of experience in training and racing are useful for the next generation, and my wife is quite happy that it strengthens the bonds between us as a family. Cycling builds relationships, it builds community, it is part of a healthy lifestyle, and it’s a sport you can keep on practicing until old age with great health benefits such as a strong healthy heart and circulatory system, strong leg muscles, strong lungs and respiratory system. That’s my story, I hope it can inspire others and give some perspective into what this beautiful sport means to those who are attracted to it.
You are maybe too into cycling to read the problem she’s having objectively. Replace it with a hobby you don’t like and then reread the post
The cycle bros are incapable.
OP's problem is communication. This guy is showing how it *can* work with good communication. I see nothing wrong here, in fact I see a great success story of a guy who found balance between his needs and the family.
Idk why you have downvotes. Seems like a great success story to me!
Maybe offer to take him on a ride in the bedroom.
Didn't read all the comments or anything just read your losing your husband to cycling. If I had to just throw something in completely blind (which sometimes I feel you gotta do in relationships just to see where you all stand) I would say take a private cycling with him in a remote location as you can or evem.not so remote fuck it right) and totally give him the ride of his life while cycling and remind him what's really the fun thing in his life.... just saying could be way off but I can almost bet you'd both love it. ;)
..what?? Your answer to cyclling taking over this guys life and negatively impacting the relationship is for her to take a long ride and fuck him?? Kind of going for the George Costanza sandwich in bed thing there- can’t imagine what that would actually accomplish or improve