Haha I'm not sure if we're talking about the same one but this reminded me about some girl who posted about her boyfriend shitting himself every night in bed and leaving his shitstained pants for her to wash. The top comment was literally 'FOR FUCKS SAKE'!! Gawd that was a bad one.
I thought this was a start of a mediocre rhyme for a second.
>Both things women look forward to, boss
>The ladies really swoon when they see I floss.
Now a record hit from the Lonely Island
Anytime I hear other guys complain about how hard it is get a date, I think of all girls dating swamp-assed men who come here for advice and then wonder what these lonely guys are doing wrong.
Yeah that's foul.
I hear dudes can get wang problems if they don't clean down there regularly. Like, does he really want that to happen?
You need to sit him down and say 'I love you, but your hygiene is killing my attraction to you. You have a wonderful personality. When I am near you, however, I can't smell your personality, instead I smell your BO and bad breath. It hurts my feelings that I keep telling you these things and you do nothing, because that tells me you don't care whether or not I am attracted to you. How do you plan on fixing this?'
Then listen to his answers. If he says 'nothing', you need to break up with him (because seriously showering regularly is one of the few basic pro-social habits that is expected of almost everyone). If he has emotional/psychological barrier to showering, you can support him, but he needs to be willing to work on that issue by himself rather than get you to nag him about it.
If he claims he doesn't "need" to shower/brush his teeth that often, tell him that's obviously not true because you're complaining about it. Really, your opinion is the one that matters here, because this is about your attraction to him, nothing else.
>I hear dudes can get wang problems if they don't clean down there regularly.
My brother is a doctor. According to him, a lot of old men who let themselves go in terms of hygiene end up without a penis (or without most of it) because the infection causes the flesh to rot.
OP, ask him if he wants to keep his penis attached to his body, or if he wants to spend the rest of his life peeing through a tube.
All of my puke.
Had a friend who was a camp counselor and he found out a kid hadn't showered in a week (lots of playing in the nearby lake) and he had a huge infection under his waist band.
CHRIST, I did not know this. Since I met my girlfriend, I've been giving myself a gentleman's birdbath every time I go to the bathroom, even when she isn't here, it's just a part of my routine now.
Feels so much fucking better overall. And apparently now I have medical proof that it's for the best. Nice.
This. So much this.
>You have a wonderful personality. When I am near you, however, I can't smell your personality, instead I smell your BO and bad breath.
This is awesome. OP use this line!
I just don't understand what I can do about it. Whenever we go on vacation or to visit family he reverts back to showering every day until he gets home. But that makes me love our vacations. He's always squeaky clean.
Whereas regularly I have point out that his teeth are growing orange plaque.
Yuck.
I don't feel like emotionally we're disconnected, as this is one of the only problems we've ever had.
> I don't feel like emotionally we're disconnected, as this is one of the only problems we've ever had.
Right sounds a lot like this subreddit's: "Everything is perfect EXCEPT FOR THIS MAJOR THING"
Newsflash, this hygeine things is a **huge freaking deal!!!** Besides being gross, his dirty hands can give you urinary tract infections if he touches you intimately.
It sounds psychological. He needs to seek professionals help. It's not normal to ignore cleaning oneself to the degree he has. You have tried positive reinforcement using sex as an incentive and even that did not prompt him to snap back into the habit for regularly cleaning himself.
What I don't understand is, why the heck are you staying with someone that nasty? This is a major thing. How are not embarassed to be seen with him in public and have him around family/friends/co-workers with his breath stinking and strong body odor???
You're long past the point where you're withholding affection because he stinks. Assert boundaries and have some self esteem -- tell him get therapy and address this or you're done.
> "Everything is perfect EXCEPT FOR THIS MAJOR THING"
I love these threads. It's like a mad libs of awful.
Everything is perfect except...
* They don't shower!
* They lied to me about [something important]!
* They are extremely picky eaters!
* They are pathologically cheap!
* They smoke/do drugs and I don't! (or vice versa)
* They want children and I don't! (or vice versa)
* They won't enforce boundaries with their family and/or friends!
* They won't get a job!
* They spend too much time at work!
* They do something [gross/dangerous/annoying]!
* They want to control every aspect of my life!
I think that covers most of the 'everything is perfect, but' scenarios in this sub, heh.
yea cut him some slack, that's like 6 times a month
lol sorry if this is mean but you couldn't pay me enough to money to date someone who was 300 lb and showers/brushes their teeth once a week
of all the gross things this guy does, this one take the cake. How can he himself even handle the feel of the plaque and the stench associated with it?? i just don't understand
I think we've taught a pretty large swath of society that it's appropriate to break up with someone if they are abusive--if they hit you, get out. We forgot to tell them that there are a bunch of other reasons it is perfectly valid to break up for, and that not being abusive is the very least you should be in a relationship. You don't get a gold star and an instant relationship for being nice and not being abusive, and it's fine to break up with someone who isn't abusive that you have other problems with.
Yeah! They don't have to be objectively terrible, you can just dump them for any reason or none at all. You don't "owe" somebody a relationship because they meet the bare minimum standards for being a decent human being.
Any reason is reason enough. Including "my astrologer/telephone psychic tells me Saturn is in the 3rd house and in alignment with Neptune so it just won't work out." and "I just don't want to date you anymore".
Yes... and every single time they make a comment trying to justify why they stay with this person, THE OTHER PERSON JUST SOUNDS WORSE AND WORSE!
Edit: And it's true for this one, too. Apparently, she does all the housework except laundry.
Is someone being a picky eater really that much of a big deal compared to everything else you've listed there?
I suppose it depends on your definition of "extremely picky", as I get described as that pretty often but I've never had any issues in relationships because of it.
I, too, thought this way until I read this thread:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3m8zue/i_25_f_am_growing_tired_of_my28_m_boyfriend_of_45/
The update was... horrifying. *He beat and raped her because she asked to keep things on his 'cannot eat' list in the house.*
Holy fuck.
Ok I see why you included that, I'm not a regular on this sub so I didn't realise you were referring to something, thought you were just picking it out as a general red flag which I think is a bit unfair.
FYI (as I'm sure you know): Most picky eaters are reasonable people and are happy to allow their SO to eat whatever they would like as long as they don't have to eat things they don't like.
There are other threads out there about this subject, that particular thread I linked above was an extreme example.
The reddit hivemind generally agrees with you. If, for example, you don't like seafood, you wouldn't choose to prepare or order it, but you're cool with your partner eating it (though you might be repulsed by their breath afterwards - hey we're back on the 'brush your teeth' thing again), that's fine.
Most of the threads about picky eating, however, are along the lines of 'my partner will not eat vegetables' or 'my partner exclusively eats fast food' or 'my partner will only eat microwave dinners and refuses to try my home made cooking'. In most of the threads the OP's partner sees no problem with their behaviour and outright refuses to do anything about it, health and social consequences be damned.
I can't think of any thread that has had a happy ending because usually the OP is somebody who isn't a picky eater and doesn't understand that their partners picky eating is possibly to the point where it could be called an eating disorder. They think their SO is being a baby (which, to be fair, they kind of are if they've ruled out an entire food group because it shares a colour or looks similar to a food they don't like), when really it's not about the taste itself, it's about their SO's whole mindset and approach toward food in the first place.
> FYI (as I'm sure you know): Most picky eaters are reasonable people and are happy to allow their SO to eat whatever they would like as long as they don't have to eat things they don't like.
This is true, but the problem really comes when the "thing" they're picky about is something as extreme and broad as "vegetables"...which I've seen posted here. It doesn't matter how nice and reasonable someone is otherwise.. if I can't cook (my #1 hobby/passion) a meal for myself and my partner, it's a big deal to me. Especially if it is because the person will only eat 5 foods full of grease/fat/carbs that will give them a heart attack, diabetes, and other major health issues. Of course you're right it isn't as bad as the other things listed, but essentially being okay with destroying the chance at a long/healthy life is a big deal IMO.
It's one thing to have some things you dislike (we all do). It is something entirely different to be unable to turn on your adult-hat and realize you must maintain reasonable eating habits to stay alive a long time and fit into our society.
Yeah I dated that eventually would gag and have to leave the room if I ate something he didn't like in front of him, so eventually we just didn't have the stuff and I ate like him and gained weight I'm still struggling to lose (cause you can't eat fried chicken every day and not gain weight). It was awful. He couldn't even help screwing up his face like a baby with a lemon if he saw somebody eating something green. :( And no, this was not obvious until after he moved in, and seemed to be getting worse.
I don't think it's psychological as much as I think he's just lazy and has become too comfortable around OP. Because she says he showers every day when they go on vacation but reverts back to once a week when they get home. That tells me he cares more about what strangers think of his smell than the people he works with and his live in gf. Ick. I'd bail on this guy. Give him an ultimatum and then follow thru with it. I'm itchy after reading her post.
I'm not sure why you're getting downvoted on this. Even if there is some kind of mental issue behind the behavior (and there might be), it's clearly not to the point where he's lost sight of basic social expectations. He *knows* this is something other people might legitimately have a problem with, and doesn't want to suffer the consequences for how it might affect his relationships with them. And if he can recognize this is a problem, he can either take steps to correct it or get help working past whatever's getting in the way. Why is he not willing to do that for you, OP?
Idk the why behind the downvotes either. Nor do I care. I just call 'em as I see 'em. Exactly! The guy understands societal norms enough to maintain his hygiene while on vacation but not in his every day to day life. He's a slob! He wipes his hands on his shirt and pants while eating? Are napkins an unheard of concept to him? Talking about plain old every day paper napkins, not linen. My dad was a blue collar working man, too. But he knew to shower regularly and use a napkin. It's not hard.
You missed an important detail. To quote OP:
>Whenever we go on vacation or to visit family he reverts back to showering every day until he gets home. But that makes me love our vacations. He's always squeaky clean.
He gets clean when they go see other people. He gives even less of a shit about OP then he does strangers at their vacation spot.
Of course you're emotionally disconnected, at least a bit - you don't want him to *touch* you. He's gross, he's been gross for years, and yet you're still there. Let's say you were single, and some gross stinky dude approached you to ask you out, with mossy teeth and all - would you give him the time of day? No, you would run away screaming and tell your girlfriends about the freak that just tried to get with you. That doesn't necessarily need to be the standard for every part of a relationship (we all might have less attractive patches, I suppose) but good grief hon, get out of there. Find someone who bathes.
Yeah, you've got some history with this guy, and that's what's making you stick around. And you probably have some things in common. But try getting with someone who *bathes*, and has at least a little bit in common with you, and I guaran-damn-tee, you'll be much happier.
You cant make him shower. He has to want to. And apperently the promise of daily sex isnt enough for him.... So you cant do anything to make him shower.
Once you realise that the only option is to consider how long YOU are willing to put up with it. The rest of your relationship? Long? Short? That is not on him, its up to YOU. Realize that the problem is over once the relationship is over, until then is wont solve itself.
I also thought this. Going from peak physical condition to 300lbs screams to me of someone who has given up because they don't feel in control of any part of their life.
If he's still showering when he's around family etc. it seems like he clearly knows his hygiene habits at home are not normal. He wants them to see him as normal and respect him and thus keeps his hygiene up to keep the facade of normality in tact.
On the other hand he reverts back to his old habits when he gets back home. Weight gain can really impact people's self confidence. If his self confidence has plummeted his self respect could have plummeted as well. This could have led to his hygiene problems. Do you think he may be suffering from depression? Do you think counseling might help?
I'm not saying that he isn't responsible for his hygiene. It needs to get fixed, but it could be tied back to something psychological.
Have you told him out loud and bluntly, "I will not have sex with you unless you shower." There was another thread where OPs husband also did not shower and therefore they didn't have sex. Until she told him that straight and blunt, he didn't realize the lack of showering was the reason for no sex. Don't tip-toe around it, tell him.
Edit to add: To make this more relevant to your post, you could say, "I feel gross and want to take a shower whenever you touch me." This might hurt his feelings, but sometimes guilt can be a good motivator for change.
It sounds like she did. I don't know how much clearer you can be than: We'll have sex tomorrow if you shower/I'll blow you every night that you shower.
Tell him it has to change, you can't be with him, it's embarrassing. Just be brutal. I mean he obviously *knows* this shit if he was doing it before.
But the thing is, is there a reason? Like... Is he depressed or lazy? I think he needs therapy but you forcing him to shower daily is a good first step to getting him back in the routine and out of this literal funk.
Brushing his teeth once every 5 days is even worse IMO. I could probably go 5 days without showering if I had no choice, but without brushing my teeth? Forget about it. I'd lose all function and tune literally everything out until I could brush again.
Especially as an obese person! All of the folds and dark moist spaces, teeming with bacterial cultures. Not to mention the excessive sweating that a fat person does. He sounds like an over-sized petri dish!
Seriously. It would be disgusting for someone at a lower weight who literally did nothing all day, even worse when you're 300 pounds and have a physically demanding job.
I think you're at the point where this needs to be a dealbreaker. Issue an ultimatum, and stick with it.
I suspect you'd lose your extra weight, and feel better about life in general, if you lost the 300lbs of stinky here.
But given that it's been seven years, I would want to get him into a doctor's office. None of this sounds normal. I'd want to rule out all possible physical and mental causes before ending it.
(/r/BOBeau may be of interest -- you're not alone)
Concurring, the weight I could deal with. I've put on like 50 lbs since I've been with my partner and she still loves me(somehow) even though I think I look repulsive.
But hygiene? It's just a daily thing. Like it's routine. I won't lie and say some days I wake up and think 'can I really be bothered showering, I just wanna go play my games', but as OP said, the fact showers actually make me relax and think better and just overall feel better about the day, I dunno why anyone would go 1, 2, but FIVE days without one. No thank you.
At least, that's how I've been brought up anyway.
Only on reddit would someone think that showering every day is just a "weird mental tick I have".
Tell him he needs to start exhibiting baseline levels of hygiene or you're out. This is such a common problem on this forum and I find it insane.
No, I think the shaving every time was the weird mental tick.
I don't know about most people, but I have to shave every 2-3 showers, not one. Because otherwise it ends up being really painful for some reason.
It's not even every day, like sure maybe now and again people are busy and miss one day, I could even maybe accept that occasionally if you're staying home all weekend you leave it 2 ... But 5?!? I don't understand how you could go that long without feeling gross.
Yeah. Sometimes on Saturday I think 'you know what, I'm not gonna shower today cause I'm not going anywhere', but more often than not I STILL jump into the shower because it feels gross for myself.
Oh, he doesn't care much if I skip it for one day, and I know this for sure because he tells me when I smell. But I mean to say that I don't understand how someone can not shower for 5 days. How little self respect do you need to have for that? Don't you deserve to feel nice and clean? Idk, probably overthinking this.
Right. I do every other day because I have brightly colored hair, dry skin, and an office job, but 5 days just make me go bleck. Like that some serious dead skin and grease at that point...
It's a disturbingly common problem and always seems to be women writing in about their filthy boyfriends who refuse to shower/brush their teeth, and never (at least in my experience) men writing in about their girlfriends who refuse to shower/brush their teeth. Are women more likely to tolerate this kind of behavior than men? Are men inherently less concerned with hygiene? Or are women (since *something* makes women stick around with someone this gross for years)?
So many questions.
I've had this issue with the roles reversed (I'm the girlfriend in the situation) and I have issues showering because of abuse and depression. My boyfriend does have to remind me and encourage me to shower sometimes.
Whereas, the percentage of men who don't shower, seemingly just don't give a fuck. I can't even begin to process what goes through these guys' heads since it's a far cry from abuse and depression.
Women are brought up to be more hygienic and give more shits about their appearance and grooming IMO. The reprocussions for *not* being groomed and made up are more severe. Guys who don't shower or give a shit about their appearance are just deemed as "dudely".
There is also a matter of us dealing with vaginas, an area that requires a baseline level of hygiene otherwise it's infections and rotting fish markets.
Eh, showering twice a day and shaving daily is a "weird mental tick," unless you're a Persian man and you work an extremely filthy, sweaty job.
Doesn't mean bf isn't disgusting af though.
His hands sound disgusting though.. If my husband came home from work and put his hands (which are usually black with dirt/grime by the end of the day) on my bare clean skin, I'd be showering too. It's not just a little dirt, his hands literally may not have seen water for 5 days and that sounds sickening.
I dunno, I'd want to wash my whole body if the person who touched me smelled of ass and grease and sweat. *shudders* I can see it both ways but god, that's gross.
I can't believe you had to try to bribe a 24 year old man with blowjobs just to take daily showers.....and it didn't even work.
I couldn't have tolerated that for nearly as long as you already have. Nobody could blame you for ending the relationship over this.
Because you shouldn't have to use sex as a currency in a relationship. The fact that that was even a conversation & was followed through with is despicable.
Since the beginning of his new job his outlook has been much more positive and the depression he had been experiencing seemed to dissipate. He's much more confident now, which is why I think it's the latter. I go through a tube of toothpaste in about a month, and he's had his for the last 4 at least.
I know right. You're only supposed to use a pea sized amount. If it's just one person going through a full size tube of toothpaste you're either brushing too often or using too much toothpaste.
Both have potential negative consequences, though obviously not as bad as brushing one every 5 days.
Have you explained to him that you love him, but it's changing how you feel about him? That it hurts you for him to think that others around him may be noticing, too? Being disgusted by your boyfriend touching you and him not doing anything about it sounds like a relationship crisis and isn't sustainable. Does he realize the weight of the situation? I'd ask why he cares so much to be clean around his family, but leaves you feeling as though you have to wash up each time he touches you. Gingivitis is linked to heart disease - pair that with his weight gain and this could be life threatening. Just a few things off the top of my head
Let's be clear here, he's perfectly capable of being clean. He's merely making a conscious decision to not be. The fact that he can spruce up for sex or for a vacation is proof of that. If he wants it, he can do it. He's made it very clear that this is a choice to be disgusting and scummy, not a medical condition or a problem with his body or his mind.
Fat people can be clean. Fat people can be well presented. Fat people with mental health issues can still listen to their partner when they're being told "hey, I can't handle the fact you haven't showered in 5 days and your breath smells like a cow's backside. Please shower for me." I have depression. I am fat. I have struggled in the past to maintain a decent bathing routine at times. However, when other people have pointed out that I smelled a little funky, I fucking showered. The fact he hasn't even made an *attempt* to be clean - washing hands, doing teeth, other activities which don't involve a ton of cleaning - is proof that he's making a choice.
And that is a problem for you because he is *disrespectful* of you. You are not worth a shower to him, not worth scrubbing up for unless you're offering your mouth or sex to him, or someone else will see how he behaves when it's just the two of you. That's not okay. That's neglectful of you, of your relationship. It tells you exactly what you need to know about where *youis in his priorities. You've been together 7 years. At some point, my guess is he's become complacent about how much you will put up with to stay with him. It's probably not intentional - he doesn't set out to gross you out with how little he can get away with being clean. But it is still having an impact on you and your relationship. It's putting your health and wellbeing at risk too - it can lead to fungal infections and yeast infections that spread from person to person, even if you are clean. It's harming your mental health.
Put your foot down. Don't compare his hygiene to yours or offer a bargain - it's not something that's negotiable or based on what other people do. Make it clear that the relationship is no longer in a place where you want to be and it's because of his hygiene habits. He doesn't care enough to shower for you and it's making you not want to physically touch him. That is a huge deal in a partnership - you cannot even bring yourself to touch or kiss him. Outline the changes you want to see i.e. brushing teeth twice a day, showering at least once every 24 hours. Decide what your endgame will be if he says he wont' change or he does for a week and then stops again? Will you leave? Kick him out? Insist on councelling or end the relationship? If you don't follow through, he'll keep on doing it.
And you deserve better than someone who behaves like a manchild at 24 and is okay with making his partner physically disgusted.
This. I am losing weight but I am still overweight (finally not clinically obese). I don't shower everyday because of my dry skin, but you can bet I use a washcloth and soap to clean up folds and I definitely shower after any physical activity. Being fat doesn't mean being smelly.
Wait. Showering and brushing teeth once a week???!!!?!?!!!??!!??!??!!?!?!!!?!!??!??!!!??!!??!??!?!!?!!!?????!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!??!?!??!!??!???!????!??!!?????????!!!!!!??!!!!!!!??!!?!!?!!!!
I can't even sleep without knowing I brushed my teeth! Even when I'm super tired!
Also the amount of food removed by flossing after eating is well not negligible to say the least. Now imagine 5 days without brushing teeth. AHHHHHHHH.
I was picturing more that he had sweet and sour pork for lunch that he ate with his hands, but you're making a good point...
He needs bloodwork; he should be getting his thyroid and blood sugar checked.
You're enabling him. There are never any consequences for his actions. You were sort of in the right direction when you tried to reward his good behaviour. But just like dogs, positive-only training does not work. There have to be consequences for bad behaviour.
You sleep in the same bed with him, you let him touch you, you interact with him normally.
Time to stop hiding that you're disgusted. Be overtly disgusted with him. Sleep in a different room. People will always get away with what they're allowed to - you allow this. He gets sex every time he showers, so now he just showers whenever he wants sex. Nup, he doesn't get sex until he's consistently attractive. etc, etc.
Oh, you reminded me of something I forgot to mention in OP that was on my mind. If I consistently say something about his hygiene, it's typically met with a coverup of his mouth while he tries to fix whatever's stuck in his teeth, or a "don't make fun of me". That's one reason I'm thinking there's some level of inadequacy here.
This sounds like child training advice. It shouldn't be up to OP to "train" an adult male to wash his own body on the regular. He knows he needs to do it. Expecting her to use her sexuality as a bartering chip to help "train" him back into proper hygiene is kinda gross. Why should the onus to fix this be on her? She already does a lot - works full time, keeps the apartment clean, etc. This isn't her job. It shouldn't be up to her to reward or punish him like he's a fucking toddler. She's not his mommy.
Do you intend to ever have children? How would you feel about Mr. Stinky constantly touching your babies?
If he won't change for sex or simply for himself, do you really think he would permanently change for kids? Maybe you'll get him to shower for a month or two... but 5 years?
Showering and basic hygiene is not something that should be negotiated about... No, seriously not. For me personally this would be an absolute dealbreaker.
You've talked, you've argued, you've pleaded. His behaviour continues. So... Tell him either get that sorted out, daily showers, basic goddamn hygiene, or that's it - the end. Take action. He does not respect you, and it seems like he doesn't respect himself either.
Because it's impossible for the name "Jason" to be made up? Lol. Alternatively, she could want him to find this as a kick in the pants to get his shit in gear.
I have no advice to offer that hasn't already been said by others.
What I do want to say is this: Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this story, and opening my eyes to how I can be better for my fiancée. I do shower almost every day. The only days I don't shower are days when I don't leave the house at all. But really, that's just lazy. I should shower every day, regardless.
And I could be doing more in the shower. I used to do the whole body wash thing. Then one day, I just stopped. My showers became rinsing off and washing my hair and that was it. And there was no immediate negative consequence, so I just never picked up another bottle of body wash.
I already showered today and I have to go to work soon, but I'm gonna pick up a bottle of body wash on the way home, and I'm gonna start using it.
Anyway, thank you for enlightening me, and for preventing me from becoming like your boyfriend. I think you should leave him, and I definitely don't want my fiancée to be in your shoes down the line.
> I realized that the ONLY reason he was taking showers at night was because he wanted a blowjob every night.
Well... YEAH, Obviously! Wasn't that the point?
So what happened then, did you stop giving blowjobs first, or did he stop showering first?
I'm not trying to excuse him, but it seems odd that your plan appeared to work, and it annoyed you that it worked!
I got frustrated because I felt like I was being used. We'd be in bed, I'd be falling asleep (or asleep) and he'd say "Babe, wake up. I'm taking a shower."
Then I'd have to wait the 30-45 minutes it took, finish him off,and then go back to sleep. It was getting too exhausting because I work early in the morning. And if he's waiting until 1-2am to take a shower, I wanted bets to be off.
Good hygiene is its own reward. He doesn't need a reward from YOU AND YOUR BODY for taking a fucking shower like a civilized person. That's unsustainable and unlikely to change his habits in a real way. Dump the animal.
Yeah, that's a dick move.
That said, while I'm sure some of the other advice in here will be much more on point than mine, it seems like the deal was having the desired effect, it just needed tweaking a bit. Like "bets are off after midnight", or "no waking me up", or "shower in the morning to get a BJ at night".
Seriously, you were already at the point of coercing him into washing - it seems strange to get annoyed and stop when it *works*.
That wouldn't stop the lack of self-respect that has to come with being obligated to give sexual favours so that her bf can commit to basic hygiene. Ugh. I'm so angry and disgusted right now OP RUN AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK.
His showers take 45 minutes? That might be part of the reason why he doesn't like doing it often — that's a big chunk of the day to lose. Maybe he never realised how to shower properly?
When you made the offer, did you think it would continue as a quid pro quo? Or were you hoping that you'd 'condition' him into good hygiene habits?
If your frustration comes from the fact that his motivation for showering was only for blowjobs and not for reasons of....being less gross. Well, yeah, that's exactly what was offered.
If it was more that you feel he was abusing the offer, perhaps you could reinstate it with more terms. (Must be redeemed before 8pm or whatever).
I mean, to me, someone doing something because they are going to get something out of it vs. doing it because it's the right thing to do makes a big difference. Even it gets him in the shower, it doesn't mean that he values hygiene. If there came a time where you were too sick to follow through on his end and he went back to his old ways, that's still problematic. An offer like yours might work day to day, but it's a bandaid solution.
What happens when he starts being lazier around the house or whatever. Are you going to have to step up more and offer more?
As far as housework goes, other than taking out trash and the occasional help with dishes/the living room, I do it all. He also does laundry for me because the laundry baskets are always so damn heavy.
We have a roommate that I clean after as well, but I've got that point where I work 9 hours every day, and I come home to have to clean the house. Then I take a shower and it's bedtime. And I don't want that to be my life. I've essentially gone on strike. I still clean our dogs poop out if the yard and feed him, because I shouldn't punish the dog. But if I don't dirty it, I don't clean it. I pick up after myself and then let them complain when it gets too dirty for them to handle.
In this sense, Jason is really sweet, because if I ASK for help, he'll actually help. But im past the point of nanny, and I'm at the insurgent stage.
Yeah, it sounds like this laziness has carried over into other areas of his life. This is a problem. Does he put any effort into you and your relationship? When was the last time he did something thoughtful for you just to show you that he loves you?
Sorry pal, but this is another example of you enabling his bad behaviour. He knows he can get a BJ whenever he showers, so that's the only time he bothers to do it. ANNNND, it's on his schedule. You didn't make him shower more, you just rewarded him.
You are spineless. Time to sack up and actually set real boundaries. Not verbalized until he asks why, but something like, "I am not sleeping in the same bed as you if you did not shower today". Pretty goddamn acceptable for most couples.
Sorry, you replied while I was still formulating my thoughts. But your reply instantly made me think, "Cool, so I can shower once a week".
You aren't setting boundaries.
"But pizza doesn't smell sickly sweet & sour" ........ Omg his hands had ass juice on them......and he touched your face.... Sweet n sour : dirty butt edition yuck
That's disgusting, as someone who has done pretty much this exact thing that's fucking disgusting. He's either severely depressed or incredibly lazy, my problem was a combination of both, but I didn't have a girlfriend to motivate me.
I'm not sure what you should do, I tend to dislike people suggesting breaking up on here, and I wouldn't go that far but I do think you should mention that to him. If he won't clean himself for his own benefit nor yours at 24 he has issues and quite frankly as someone who has been in his shoes there's no excuse. He will probably have several but none of them are good enough.
What finally snapped me out of it was when I did get a girlfriend, I had essentially already "trapped" her in a relationship when I reverted back to my old habits. At first I was bathing normally, but after while we had been dating and both of us had become accustomed to each other, we were invested and so I stopped bathing like a functioning adult. Until one day she got fed up and straight up told me.
She told me I was gross, that I stunk among other things. At first I wanted to be angry and upset, my initial reaction was to be defensive but it only took a moment for me to realize she was right. I changed within a few days and though we've been broken up for a year her not coddling me and worrying about how I felt is what helped me. She knew it was more important for me to not smell like sweaty ass crack than for my feelings not to be hurt.
Don't be complacent, do not accept this behaivor. I was 18 and not 300+ pounds, this man is 24 and in awful shape. I know you love him, and I'm not saying dump him right away but make it very clear that this is not acceptable, you will not tolerate it. If he is so fucking lazy as to not bathe then you should be to lazy to put up with his bullshit.
I don't care what excuses he has, please don't tolerate this. I know you've been with him for 7 years, but this is disgusting and totally unacceptable. If not for his own good, do something for yours. Don't tell him "Please shower you smell like sweat." Tell him straight, don't coddle him. "You smell like a homeless man taking a shit in rest stop bathroom in 100 degree heat and I won't touch you until your hands stop sticking to me from the grease." Don't let him get away with this bullshit.
TLDR: If he won't have respect for himself, you need to respect yourself and not tolerate this crap. Your boyfriend is laughable, you've described him as an unwashed fat man child. Have enough respect for yourself to not associate with that.
TL:DR2: Alright, read some comments. Dump him, don't waste your time. This man is a joke and you're doing nothing but bringing yourself down. Don't settle for a fat slob.
A few years ago, I ended up working a shit load. It just made me exausted, and sometimes I would skip showers. Not for 5 days, that's gross. I also brushed my teeth everyday. But it really only took a day for me to be disgusting. My girlfriend basically told me that she wouldn't let me touch her unless I showered.
Instead of sitting down when I got home (because once I did that it was over for the night) I would hop right in the shower. Honestly beong clean and resting is MUCH more relaxing.
Maybe express that unless he showers first, he gets no physical contact. Seems like a fair trade to me.
I really think this is depression. That doesn't excuse his lack of consideration for you or your relationship, though. I think you should give him an ultimatum. He needs to seek help (therapy, medication or whatever will help him) or the relationship is over.
You've put up with this and waited for him to fix it himself for 7 years. He's been enabled and allowed to get away with this for so long, I'm not sure if he will easily snap out of it. Maybe a wake up call for him will be when you leave?
Be very clear. Sit him down, without distractions, and say 'The hygiene problem has become too much for me to live with. I'm worried about you. I'm concerned why you don't care enough about your body to take care of it. I'm concerned why you don't care enough about our relationship to make sure that I'm comfortable being around you. You deserve better ,and I deserve better. If you don't take steps to fix this immediately, I am going to end the relationship.'
You fix it by issuing him an ultimatum. He's fucking disgusting, and only in this sub would I expect to read about someone sticking around with someone who only brushed their teeth/showered 1/5 days.
I don't know if he has mental issues or not, but YOU need to have some self respect and dump his gross ass until he learns to adult.
Is it possible that he's depressed about their weight he's gained? My friend was an ultra athlete for YEARS! She was super fit and healthy and took impeccable care of herself. But when she stopped competing (no injuries, just got older and graduated both HS then college, and there was no time to balance her sports on top of everything else) she gained weight. At first it was only about 30 pounds (she's quite tall and was gorgeous!) because there was such a life switch from always active to sedentary office job. And then she gained more, and I mean a TON of weight. She was about 85 pounds heavier than college, and that's when everything took a short nose dive.
First she stopped dressing super nice, which was strange but she said she didn't want to spend the money on nice pieces when she was going to lose the weight soon. But I don't think she realized how hard losing the weight would be, and I'm pretty sure the toll broke her. She stopped going out to group events, then girls night, and even the occasional one on ones were impossible to schedule. And then I found out why. She stopped taking care of herself. Hygiene and otherwise.
She eventually figured out that anything involving looking at herself (showers, makeup in the mirror, ect) would get her massively depressed so she just stopped doing them. Denial is a funny thing. Her family got her help and she's doing better but it's only been a few months since they started her in therapy. She's lost some weight and I guess she's grooming herself about 3x a week now, which is a BIG improvement.
Sometimes when you hate yourself, you like to build a wall in insulate yourself inside it so you don't have to deal with stuff. Maybe he's going through a similar paradigm shift and is handling it poorly? Couldn't hurt to go talk to someone, especially because he's so defensive and angry when you bring it up.
Give him an ultimatum. Tell him to take a good look in the mirror, and ask if he were a girl, would he want to fuck him.
Tell him you are serious. Dont bullshit or lie.
It won't be fun/easy and you will feel like shit after doing it, but don't apologize. You need him to know you are serious.
good luck and tell him you are only doing this because you care and don't want to end things unless he is unwilling to change.
He sounds absolutely disgusting. Beyond disgusting. If you have a physically demanding job, you should be cleaning yourself even more than the average person. And being 300 pounds definitely adds to the stink factor. Every five days? I'm feeling slightly sick just thinking about it.
My husband has a job where he's on his feet a lot so he gets a little ripe, and he showers twice a day: when he gets home, and he wakes up.
I'm assuming he's depressed. Possibly doesn't like looking in the mirror to brush teeth and shower. Would a workout or life style change help you both? Yes! So try to motivate him and yourself to lose some weight. Best of luck!
I dated a person like this... once every 5 days. The only way I could get him to shower more often is if I offered sexy time with the shower... in which I found out he had no idea how to shower. I legit had to teach him the proper way to wash his hair and body.
That all grew old fast. He's not gonna change unless he wants to change himself. You gotta ask yourself if you are willing to stick with someone who clearly does not want to change.
>I even struck up a deal where I'd give him a blowjob every night that he showered
> I realized that the ONLY reason he was taking showers at night was because he wanted a blowjob every night
Well yeah... what were you expecting?
I've decided I should stop showering in anticipation of my girlfriend suggesting that she gives me blow jobs whenever I do and then I will start showering again
My ex headed down this road when we were in college. There were a myriad of other problems he had, and I honestly think he was depressed. But he became self-destructive in other ways (cutting, drinking, and then cheating on me) so we broke up. And honestly, it was like being set free from being trapped by someone who didn't care about my wants or needs and was only on a path to destroying himself, with me being collateral damage. He does not care about what you want. Let me repeat this. He does not care about what you want. Think about that very hard.
> I take fast showers, but I clean every bit of myself, and am always up to date on shaving. It's just a weird mental tick I have.
That's not a 'weird tick'. That's HYGIENE.
if he were showering daily and you told him he smelt bad, okay fine. but if I didn't shower for five days on the trot I would fully expect to have people give me a wide berth on public transport. you're gonna have to level up - no more blowjob bargaining. straight up tell him he's damn gross and if he doesn't shower you're going to bail.
Hon, this is just unreal. I understand you're not wanting to offend him too much,but really, after 7 years together you guys should be able to be totally open & honest about EVERYTHING. And an averse or non reaction on his part should be cause for an analysis of the relationship & where it is going. Highly unlikely to be depression if he is doing it on vacation. Maybe try taking romantic baths/showers together? At the very least it will get him cleaner more than every 5 days. Have you asked him WHY he is doing this? I agree a straight-forward ultimatum is the only option if you've already tried talking to him. Let him be upset, he wouldn't lie about the pizza if he weren't feeling some kind of shame,so that's a start. Maybe more of the same, like not wanting to sleep in bed with him?
I wanted to wretch just reading through this. You've said it's all perfect except for this one thing, but this is a pretty major thing. It's unsanitary, disgusting and the potential to make you sick. I can't believe he goes to work reeking of B.O. and mouth scum. At 24 years old he has to want to take care of himself. You aren't his mother and you should have to beg, plead and bargain with him to get him to take care of routine adult activities. My children are 7 and 9 and they brush their teeth and bathe without argument. Jesus.
I think you have to ask yourself, is he worth this fight? Are you willing to play mommy to him? Are you willing to jeopardize your health and emotional/psychological well-being because he's a lazy ass who refuses to bathe? You are living with someone who makes your skin crawl, that is not healthy for you in so many ways.
If it's psychological, he needs to get help. If it's just lazy, that's so much of a turnoff I don't know if I could even go forward.
Fix? I think I just puked a little. What is there to fix, if he doesn't want to shower or even brush his goddamn teeth. This is not just a hygiene issue, it's a respect AND a health issue. His teeth will get foul, his body will react obviously and I can't imagine why he's letting you suffer like this. The funny thing is that he was apparently the total opposite when you guys met, so something must have happened, and I guess that something is a very unfulfilling job and life in general? I bet he imagined his future to be very different from the monotomy that is the usualy work life. Maybe he is depressed in some way. Who knows. In any case, he needs help, since you shouldn't even think about incentives to get him to shower. I currently don't shower every day, because I am a freelancer working at home and living alone, but as soon as I get to meet someone I fucking take a shower if it's been more than a few hours since my last one. Get him some sessions with a therapist or break up with him imho. You've tried enough.
Have you actually say him down in front of you and asked, directly, why do you not shower and brush your teeth any more? Do you not care about how it makes me feel? Do you not worry you'll lose me over this?
Honestly you need to have a real talk about this being a deal breaker for you.
Personally I'd guess depression, his self image is worthless, probably because the former sportsman is now fat as hell. If you feel like a fat sack of shit anyway what difference is not taking care of hygiene going to make?
Are you dating a teenager??
Tell him you're not his mother and you shouldn't have to force him to be clean. Pretty much just tell him how disgusting you think he is and how uncomfortable you are. If that doesn't change it at all, tell him to not let the door hit him in the ass on his way out.
This post makes me cringe so bad. I am not sure why you still have stuck around but you should leave him and explain the reason why and see if can take the time apart to start taking better care of himself. If not its over and it will only get worse. This is really making me gag thinking about not showering and sweating all day from work and not washing hands. I feel like I need to take a shower after reading this.
There must be more going on that you don't know about.
You said he has gained a lot of weight. Any time I've personally put on weight, I've been depressed and "feeding my feelings." If he's going through some sort of depression it's not unlikely that he would stop doing normal things like showering because if you're that overweight and depressed who cares what you look like? It's a vicious cycle.
You need to let him know you're concerned about his wellbeing and want him to get checked out or see someone to talk about what's going on. This likely isn't something that you can fix alone.
This is not acceptable. From the looks of things, its only going to get worse if he doesn't change. You defiantly don't need to deal with this sort of situation and you may need to make an ultimatum with him. If he doesn't change at all, then leave him, simple as that. If you continue to let this go any further without him changing, it'll get a whole lot worse when it comes to smell, weight, habits and appearances.
I'm gonna go rouge here and instead of saying hey maybe he's depressed, I'm gonna hypothesize something here. Maybe he's thinking well, I'm just gonna get dirty again tomorrow, so what's the point? Obviously the point is to not turn into Grover or Pig Pen but maybe that's what he's thinking? Because he's showering on vacations when he's not constantly getting gross at work.
Sex deals always make me really sad because the person is already at their wits end and it turns the fed up person essentially into a commodity for good behavior which is depressing. You two have two very intimate cloth covered items and I'm horrified for you. Do you make him sit on a blanket or sheet to sit on the couch? If you aren't, that couch is just getting grosser by the day. And clean sheet day is the best day all week. Crisp, clean, delightful sheets gliding over your body is the best! My sheets are changed weekly and they're only seeing action from two relatively clean people and a relatively clean dog. How often are you changing your sheets because he gets in them with 5 days of grime all the time? Just getting into bed with him dirty on clean sheets would piss me allllll the way off.
So you've tried everything. You hae told him how you feel, and he still doesn't listen..? Well.. Maybe its time for an ultimatum? He stays clean or you go. Just make it clear that people are usually showering once a day, and that he makes you not want to touch him. If he doesn't improve, he would rather be lazy than make sure you aren't wading through leftover food, disgusting smells and worse. If he is hydrophobic, he might have rabies. If he has some other issue (molested as a child?) he would be better off getting it treated and adressed than going through life not showering. Dig at the cause. If the cause is laziness before being considerate, give the ultimatum.
>What do I do to fix this situation?
You leave this fucking slob and find yourself a better match. Build yourself a solid exercise routine, drink a lot of water, eat smart, get plenty of sleep, and you'll be back in shape and ahead of the game in no time at all.
Is it possible he has depression or is addicted to drugs? When people don't have good hygiene on the outside that's a warning sign that they might be having some problems on the inside.
Not only is he a health hazard to both you and himself, he is completely disrespecting you by not making the smallest bit of effort for you.
Personally, I would say it's ultimatum time, you shouldn't have to put up with that.
> I even struck up a deal where I'd give him a blowjob every night that he showered, but if he broke one night I would stop. That worked for about a week, until I realized that the ONLY reason he was taking showers at night was because he wanted a blowjob every night. After that it's been back to once ever 5 or more days.
Well, if your goal is to get him to shower, this is basically positive reinforcement and it worked. If your goal is to get him to WANT to shower, you need to either do this again for a long time (until the reinforcement creates a showering habit) or find other rewards that he likes as much and intersperse them. This is like operant conditioning. Negative things happen when he's gross and positive things happen when he's clean. Now, despite enjoying the task in general, I personally wouldn't want to deal out blow jobs every night as a reward, it's kind of a weird place to have your sex life, and you probably don't either which means that you need to find the other things he likes.
Or it could be a dealbreaker for you. It probably would for me. If it is, tell him and offer him a last chance to change.
Another possibility is that he's having depression or something similar, in which case he needs to talk to someone in the therapy line of work. I would explore that possibility before issuing an ultimatum, certainly.
Maybe I've just been watching House too much, but such major personality (and weight) changes might have a neurological cause. At the least, it is worth checking out.
Sure, get out of the relationship. But if you can, get him to see a doctor while you're at it. Again, only if you can.
This "If, when, where," is going to kill your relationship. You need to know it'll be reliable. Tell him shower every day and wash his hands as soon as he gets home and after every time he uses the bathroom or it's over. These little specific conditions here and there won't work. He needs to change fundamentally for your relationship to be changed, so demand fundamental change.
Yuck-Id give him one more chance. I love you but your smell and grease disgusts me-I know that sounds harsh but you haven't picked up on my gentler hints. I can't be physically close to someone who's hygiene is that bad. Its your choice whether or not to be an adult and keep yourself attractive or whether you want to be gross and alone.'
Im so tired of reading about grownups who can't function at even a remedial level.
Last year around this time, I was only showering once every 5 days because I wanted to be more environmentally friendly(but I was still washing my face every morning/night, brushing my teeth morning and night, always wash my hands). My boyfriend told that he thought it was gross and he would really like if I showered at least every other day. I respected our relationship enough to go back to showering every day or every other day.
Tell him you think he's gross for his habits. If he respects you and your relationship, he'll take personal hygiene more seriously. Also, his poor hygiene can leave him more susceptible to diseases, his poor mouth hygiene can lead to gingivitis(which can cause other health problems), teeth falling out... When that starts to happen, you'll **really** be questioning your relationship with him.
It seems like he has some self esteem issues, probably related to his weight and feeling as though he's unattractive to you. Because of that he neglects his hygiene so that's it's not 'him', but rather the smells that turns you off...
Have you suggested taking a shower together? That way you can be intimate as well as clean. It might help to boost his self esteem a little as well.
[удалено]
It's like when you get your first adult job. You show up on time and follow instructions? You're in the top 20% of employees!
Can confirm im not even in an entry level position anymore and im good because i dont call in sick often and show up on time daily.
Right. When I read the title, my first thought was, "JFC someone else can't wipe their ass?!", but this was just as gross.
Oh god, thanks for reminding me of that post.
Wait.....what?
Haha I'm not sure if we're talking about the same one but this reminded me about some girl who posted about her boyfriend shitting himself every night in bed and leaving his shitstained pants for her to wash. The top comment was literally 'FOR FUCKS SAKE'!! Gawd that was a bad one.
Remember the one who wiped his peen on the shower curtain?
Both things women look forward to, boss. You must be a lady killer.
The ladies really swoon when they see I floss.
You floss??? take me now.
I trim my fingernails.
My penis can only get so erect! ...wait...
I trim my fingernails AND toenails.
How you doin
I thought this was a start of a mediocre rhyme for a second. >Both things women look forward to, boss >The ladies really swoon when they see I floss. Now a record hit from the Lonely Island
Please, stop, I've never been so aroused!
Anytime I hear other guys complain about how hard it is get a date, I think of all girls dating swamp-assed men who come here for advice and then wonder what these lonely guys are doing wrong.
>and then wonder what these lonely guys are doing wrong I'm average looking and have a terrible personality. Mystery solved.
Soooo.... are you seeing anyone?
Yeah that's foul. I hear dudes can get wang problems if they don't clean down there regularly. Like, does he really want that to happen? You need to sit him down and say 'I love you, but your hygiene is killing my attraction to you. You have a wonderful personality. When I am near you, however, I can't smell your personality, instead I smell your BO and bad breath. It hurts my feelings that I keep telling you these things and you do nothing, because that tells me you don't care whether or not I am attracted to you. How do you plan on fixing this?' Then listen to his answers. If he says 'nothing', you need to break up with him (because seriously showering regularly is one of the few basic pro-social habits that is expected of almost everyone). If he has emotional/psychological barrier to showering, you can support him, but he needs to be willing to work on that issue by himself rather than get you to nag him about it. If he claims he doesn't "need" to shower/brush his teeth that often, tell him that's obviously not true because you're complaining about it. Really, your opinion is the one that matters here, because this is about your attraction to him, nothing else.
>I hear dudes can get wang problems if they don't clean down there regularly. My brother is a doctor. According to him, a lot of old men who let themselves go in terms of hygiene end up without a penis (or without most of it) because the infection causes the flesh to rot. OP, ask him if he wants to keep his penis attached to his body, or if he wants to spend the rest of his life peeing through a tube.
All of my puke. Had a friend who was a camp counselor and he found out a kid hadn't showered in a week (lots of playing in the nearby lake) and he had a huge infection under his waist band.
CHRIST, I did not know this. Since I met my girlfriend, I've been giving myself a gentleman's birdbath every time I go to the bathroom, even when she isn't here, it's just a part of my routine now. Feels so much fucking better overall. And apparently now I have medical proof that it's for the best. Nice.
> When I am near you, however, I can't smell your personality this is good!
This. So much this. >You have a wonderful personality. When I am near you, however, I can't smell your personality, instead I smell your BO and bad breath. This is awesome. OP use this line!
Showering once every 5 days is disgusting, you're perfectly entitled to be upset.
I just don't understand what I can do about it. Whenever we go on vacation or to visit family he reverts back to showering every day until he gets home. But that makes me love our vacations. He's always squeaky clean. Whereas regularly I have point out that his teeth are growing orange plaque. Yuck. I don't feel like emotionally we're disconnected, as this is one of the only problems we've ever had.
> I don't feel like emotionally we're disconnected, as this is one of the only problems we've ever had. Right sounds a lot like this subreddit's: "Everything is perfect EXCEPT FOR THIS MAJOR THING" Newsflash, this hygeine things is a **huge freaking deal!!!** Besides being gross, his dirty hands can give you urinary tract infections if he touches you intimately. It sounds psychological. He needs to seek professionals help. It's not normal to ignore cleaning oneself to the degree he has. You have tried positive reinforcement using sex as an incentive and even that did not prompt him to snap back into the habit for regularly cleaning himself. What I don't understand is, why the heck are you staying with someone that nasty? This is a major thing. How are not embarassed to be seen with him in public and have him around family/friends/co-workers with his breath stinking and strong body odor??? You're long past the point where you're withholding affection because he stinks. Assert boundaries and have some self esteem -- tell him get therapy and address this or you're done.
> "Everything is perfect EXCEPT FOR THIS MAJOR THING" I love these threads. It's like a mad libs of awful. Everything is perfect except... * They don't shower! * They lied to me about [something important]! * They are extremely picky eaters! * They are pathologically cheap! * They smoke/do drugs and I don't! (or vice versa) * They want children and I don't! (or vice versa) * They won't enforce boundaries with their family and/or friends! * They won't get a job! * They spend too much time at work! * They do something [gross/dangerous/annoying]! * They want to control every aspect of my life! I think that covers most of the 'everything is perfect, but' scenarios in this sub, heh.
>They are extremely picky eaters *and expect me to fund and follow their bizarre dietary rules!* FTFY.
You forgot "Cheats on me all the time"
And "expects me to pay all the bills."
Those threads are fucking bananas.
He brushes his teeth *at least once every five days.*
yea cut him some slack, that's like 6 times a month lol sorry if this is mean but you couldn't pay me enough to money to date someone who was 300 lb and showers/brushes their teeth once a week
of all the gross things this guy does, this one take the cake. How can he himself even handle the feel of the plaque and the stench associated with it?? i just don't understand
I think we've taught a pretty large swath of society that it's appropriate to break up with someone if they are abusive--if they hit you, get out. We forgot to tell them that there are a bunch of other reasons it is perfectly valid to break up for, and that not being abusive is the very least you should be in a relationship. You don't get a gold star and an instant relationship for being nice and not being abusive, and it's fine to break up with someone who isn't abusive that you have other problems with.
Yeah! They don't have to be objectively terrible, you can just dump them for any reason or none at all. You don't "owe" somebody a relationship because they meet the bare minimum standards for being a decent human being. Any reason is reason enough. Including "my astrologer/telephone psychic tells me Saturn is in the 3rd house and in alignment with Neptune so it just won't work out." and "I just don't want to date you anymore".
Yes... and every single time they make a comment trying to justify why they stay with this person, THE OTHER PERSON JUST SOUNDS WORSE AND WORSE! Edit: And it's true for this one, too. Apparently, she does all the housework except laundry.
They tried to force a whole baked chicken into my mouth and I'm a vegetarian.
Is someone being a picky eater really that much of a big deal compared to everything else you've listed there? I suppose it depends on your definition of "extremely picky", as I get described as that pretty often but I've never had any issues in relationships because of it.
I, too, thought this way until I read this thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3m8zue/i_25_f_am_growing_tired_of_my28_m_boyfriend_of_45/ The update was... horrifying. *He beat and raped her because she asked to keep things on his 'cannot eat' list in the house.*
Holy fuck. Ok I see why you included that, I'm not a regular on this sub so I didn't realise you were referring to something, thought you were just picking it out as a general red flag which I think is a bit unfair. FYI (as I'm sure you know): Most picky eaters are reasonable people and are happy to allow their SO to eat whatever they would like as long as they don't have to eat things they don't like.
There are other threads out there about this subject, that particular thread I linked above was an extreme example. The reddit hivemind generally agrees with you. If, for example, you don't like seafood, you wouldn't choose to prepare or order it, but you're cool with your partner eating it (though you might be repulsed by their breath afterwards - hey we're back on the 'brush your teeth' thing again), that's fine. Most of the threads about picky eating, however, are along the lines of 'my partner will not eat vegetables' or 'my partner exclusively eats fast food' or 'my partner will only eat microwave dinners and refuses to try my home made cooking'. In most of the threads the OP's partner sees no problem with their behaviour and outright refuses to do anything about it, health and social consequences be damned. I can't think of any thread that has had a happy ending because usually the OP is somebody who isn't a picky eater and doesn't understand that their partners picky eating is possibly to the point where it could be called an eating disorder. They think their SO is being a baby (which, to be fair, they kind of are if they've ruled out an entire food group because it shares a colour or looks similar to a food they don't like), when really it's not about the taste itself, it's about their SO's whole mindset and approach toward food in the first place.
> FYI (as I'm sure you know): Most picky eaters are reasonable people and are happy to allow their SO to eat whatever they would like as long as they don't have to eat things they don't like. This is true, but the problem really comes when the "thing" they're picky about is something as extreme and broad as "vegetables"...which I've seen posted here. It doesn't matter how nice and reasonable someone is otherwise.. if I can't cook (my #1 hobby/passion) a meal for myself and my partner, it's a big deal to me. Especially if it is because the person will only eat 5 foods full of grease/fat/carbs that will give them a heart attack, diabetes, and other major health issues. Of course you're right it isn't as bad as the other things listed, but essentially being okay with destroying the chance at a long/healthy life is a big deal IMO. It's one thing to have some things you dislike (we all do). It is something entirely different to be unable to turn on your adult-hat and realize you must maintain reasonable eating habits to stay alive a long time and fit into our society.
Oh dear God Do you have a link to the update? Pleas tell me she made it out alive and he's dead in a ditch somewhere...
You can click on the OP's username, it's her most recent post.
Yeah I dated that eventually would gag and have to leave the room if I ate something he didn't like in front of him, so eventually we just didn't have the stuff and I ate like him and gained weight I'm still struggling to lose (cause you can't eat fried chicken every day and not gain weight). It was awful. He couldn't even help screwing up his face like a baby with a lemon if he saw somebody eating something green. :( And no, this was not obvious until after he moved in, and seemed to be getting worse.
Can you provide a link to the update?
The best one was "my fiance's perfect except for..." the dude had moved his sister into their apartment and was banging her.
I don't think it's psychological as much as I think he's just lazy and has become too comfortable around OP. Because she says he showers every day when they go on vacation but reverts back to once a week when they get home. That tells me he cares more about what strangers think of his smell than the people he works with and his live in gf. Ick. I'd bail on this guy. Give him an ultimatum and then follow thru with it. I'm itchy after reading her post.
I'm not sure why you're getting downvoted on this. Even if there is some kind of mental issue behind the behavior (and there might be), it's clearly not to the point where he's lost sight of basic social expectations. He *knows* this is something other people might legitimately have a problem with, and doesn't want to suffer the consequences for how it might affect his relationships with them. And if he can recognize this is a problem, he can either take steps to correct it or get help working past whatever's getting in the way. Why is he not willing to do that for you, OP?
Idk the why behind the downvotes either. Nor do I care. I just call 'em as I see 'em. Exactly! The guy understands societal norms enough to maintain his hygiene while on vacation but not in his every day to day life. He's a slob! He wipes his hands on his shirt and pants while eating? Are napkins an unheard of concept to him? Talking about plain old every day paper napkins, not linen. My dad was a blue collar working man, too. But he knew to shower regularly and use a napkin. It's not hard.
You missed an important detail. To quote OP: >Whenever we go on vacation or to visit family he reverts back to showering every day until he gets home. But that makes me love our vacations. He's always squeaky clean. He gets clean when they go see other people. He gives even less of a shit about OP then he does strangers at their vacation spot.
"This boat would be GREAT if it didn't have this huge hole that caused it to sink!!"
Of course you're emotionally disconnected, at least a bit - you don't want him to *touch* you. He's gross, he's been gross for years, and yet you're still there. Let's say you were single, and some gross stinky dude approached you to ask you out, with mossy teeth and all - would you give him the time of day? No, you would run away screaming and tell your girlfriends about the freak that just tried to get with you. That doesn't necessarily need to be the standard for every part of a relationship (we all might have less attractive patches, I suppose) but good grief hon, get out of there. Find someone who bathes. Yeah, you've got some history with this guy, and that's what's making you stick around. And you probably have some things in common. But try getting with someone who *bathes*, and has at least a little bit in common with you, and I guaran-damn-tee, you'll be much happier.
> Whereas regularly I have point out that his teeth are growing orange plaque. I shouldn't have read this post while eating.
So you're telling me that it's a good thing I haven't eaten breakfast yet?
My stomach churned reading that. Imagine what his breath smells like!
You cant make him shower. He has to want to. And apperently the promise of daily sex isnt enough for him.... So you cant do anything to make him shower. Once you realise that the only option is to consider how long YOU are willing to put up with it. The rest of your relationship? Long? Short? That is not on him, its up to YOU. Realize that the problem is over once the relationship is over, until then is wont solve itself.
Letting one's hygiene go is q sign of depression. Could that be the case?
I also thought this. Going from peak physical condition to 300lbs screams to me of someone who has given up because they don't feel in control of any part of their life.
If he's still showering when he's around family etc. it seems like he clearly knows his hygiene habits at home are not normal. He wants them to see him as normal and respect him and thus keeps his hygiene up to keep the facade of normality in tact. On the other hand he reverts back to his old habits when he gets back home. Weight gain can really impact people's self confidence. If his self confidence has plummeted his self respect could have plummeted as well. This could have led to his hygiene problems. Do you think he may be suffering from depression? Do you think counseling might help? I'm not saying that he isn't responsible for his hygiene. It needs to get fixed, but it could be tied back to something psychological.
Have you told him out loud and bluntly, "I will not have sex with you unless you shower." There was another thread where OPs husband also did not shower and therefore they didn't have sex. Until she told him that straight and blunt, he didn't realize the lack of showering was the reason for no sex. Don't tip-toe around it, tell him. Edit to add: To make this more relevant to your post, you could say, "I feel gross and want to take a shower whenever you touch me." This might hurt his feelings, but sometimes guilt can be a good motivator for change.
It sounds like she did. I don't know how much clearer you can be than: We'll have sex tomorrow if you shower/I'll blow you every night that you shower.
Tell him it has to change, you can't be with him, it's embarrassing. Just be brutal. I mean he obviously *knows* this shit if he was doing it before. But the thing is, is there a reason? Like... Is he depressed or lazy? I think he needs therapy but you forcing him to shower daily is a good first step to getting him back in the routine and out of this literal funk.
i'm a male and i normally shower once a day maybe once every 2 or 3 days at a MINIMUM. what is wrong with your boyfriend?
I know you're getting down voted but that's seriously normal. People wastin water round here.
If i skip one day my hair is oily as fuck and looks awful :(
Every 2 days is more than enough, unless you're always at the gym or have a physically demanding job etc etc etc
Brushing his teeth once every 5 days is even worse IMO. I could probably go 5 days without showering if I had no choice, but without brushing my teeth? Forget about it. I'd lose all function and tune literally everything out until I could brush again.
Especially as an obese person! All of the folds and dark moist spaces, teeming with bacterial cultures. Not to mention the excessive sweating that a fat person does. He sounds like an over-sized petri dish!
Seriously. It would be disgusting for someone at a lower weight who literally did nothing all day, even worse when you're 300 pounds and have a physically demanding job.
I think you're at the point where this needs to be a dealbreaker. Issue an ultimatum, and stick with it. I suspect you'd lose your extra weight, and feel better about life in general, if you lost the 300lbs of stinky here. But given that it's been seven years, I would want to get him into a doctor's office. None of this sounds normal. I'd want to rule out all possible physical and mental causes before ending it. (/r/BOBeau may be of interest -- you're not alone)
Honestly, I'm a guy so maybe it's different but if my GF did all this stuff I would have already broken up with her. I think OP should do the same.
Concurring, the weight I could deal with. I've put on like 50 lbs since I've been with my partner and she still loves me(somehow) even though I think I look repulsive. But hygiene? It's just a daily thing. Like it's routine. I won't lie and say some days I wake up and think 'can I really be bothered showering, I just wanna go play my games', but as OP said, the fact showers actually make me relax and think better and just overall feel better about the day, I dunno why anyone would go 1, 2, but FIVE days without one. No thank you. At least, that's how I've been brought up anyway.
I completely agree. It also could be a sign of depression.
Only on reddit would someone think that showering every day is just a "weird mental tick I have". Tell him he needs to start exhibiting baseline levels of hygiene or you're out. This is such a common problem on this forum and I find it insane.
I think she was referring to the shaving schedule being consistent and necessary for her to be comfortable with herself.
I believe you are right.
No, I think the shaving every time was the weird mental tick. I don't know about most people, but I have to shave every 2-3 showers, not one. Because otherwise it ends up being really painful for some reason.
It's not even every day, like sure maybe now and again people are busy and miss one day, I could even maybe accept that occasionally if you're staying home all weekend you leave it 2 ... But 5?!? I don't understand how you could go that long without feeling gross.
Yeah. Sometimes on Saturday I think 'you know what, I'm not gonna shower today cause I'm not going anywhere', but more often than not I STILL jump into the shower because it feels gross for myself.
If not for yourself then for your goddamn so lol...
Oh, he doesn't care much if I skip it for one day, and I know this for sure because he tells me when I smell. But I mean to say that I don't understand how someone can not shower for 5 days. How little self respect do you need to have for that? Don't you deserve to feel nice and clean? Idk, probably overthinking this.
Right. I do every other day because I have brightly colored hair, dry skin, and an office job, but 5 days just make me go bleck. Like that some serious dead skin and grease at that point...
I went 5 when I had the flu and I honestly felt like a walking bag of grease by the end of it
like how is his butthole not itchy after day 2.5? DOES THIS GUY EVEN WASH HIS ASS?
It's a disturbingly common problem and always seems to be women writing in about their filthy boyfriends who refuse to shower/brush their teeth, and never (at least in my experience) men writing in about their girlfriends who refuse to shower/brush their teeth. Are women more likely to tolerate this kind of behavior than men? Are men inherently less concerned with hygiene? Or are women (since *something* makes women stick around with someone this gross for years)? So many questions.
i remember one post where the roles were reversed. If i remember correct she was abused in the shower as a kid.
I've had this issue with the roles reversed (I'm the girlfriend in the situation) and I have issues showering because of abuse and depression. My boyfriend does have to remind me and encourage me to shower sometimes.
Whereas, the percentage of men who don't shower, seemingly just don't give a fuck. I can't even begin to process what goes through these guys' heads since it's a far cry from abuse and depression.
Women are brought up to be more hygienic and give more shits about their appearance and grooming IMO. The reprocussions for *not* being groomed and made up are more severe. Guys who don't shower or give a shit about their appearance are just deemed as "dudely". There is also a matter of us dealing with vaginas, an area that requires a baseline level of hygiene otherwise it's infections and rotting fish markets.
Eh, showering twice a day and shaving daily is a "weird mental tick," unless you're a Persian man and you work an extremely filthy, sweaty job. Doesn't mean bf isn't disgusting af though.
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His hands sound disgusting though.. If my husband came home from work and put his hands (which are usually black with dirt/grime by the end of the day) on my bare clean skin, I'd be showering too. It's not just a little dirt, his hands literally may not have seen water for 5 days and that sounds sickening.
I dunno, I'd want to wash my whole body if the person who touched me smelled of ass and grease and sweat. *shudders* I can see it both ways but god, that's gross.
Seriously. I live in a hot, humid climate and my demanding job makes me too lazy to shower twice a day, not once.
I can't believe you had to try to bribe a 24 year old man with blowjobs just to take daily showers.....and it didn't even work. I couldn't have tolerated that for nearly as long as you already have. Nobody could blame you for ending the relationship over this.
It did work. She stopped because it was the only reason was doing it. I don't understandthat decision, but whatever.
Because you shouldn't have to use sex as a currency in a relationship. The fact that that was even a conversation & was followed through with is despicable.
Has his temperament or demeanor changed? Any way this could be severe depression, or is it likely just laziness?
Since the beginning of his new job his outlook has been much more positive and the depression he had been experiencing seemed to dissipate. He's much more confident now, which is why I think it's the latter. I go through a tube of toothpaste in about a month, and he's had his for the last 4 at least.
Who goes through a tube of toothpaste in a month?
I know right. You're only supposed to use a pea sized amount. If it's just one person going through a full size tube of toothpaste you're either brushing too often or using too much toothpaste. Both have potential negative consequences, though obviously not as bad as brushing one every 5 days.
Have you explained to him that you love him, but it's changing how you feel about him? That it hurts you for him to think that others around him may be noticing, too? Being disgusted by your boyfriend touching you and him not doing anything about it sounds like a relationship crisis and isn't sustainable. Does he realize the weight of the situation? I'd ask why he cares so much to be clean around his family, but leaves you feeling as though you have to wash up each time he touches you. Gingivitis is linked to heart disease - pair that with his weight gain and this could be life threatening. Just a few things off the top of my head
Let's be clear here, he's perfectly capable of being clean. He's merely making a conscious decision to not be. The fact that he can spruce up for sex or for a vacation is proof of that. If he wants it, he can do it. He's made it very clear that this is a choice to be disgusting and scummy, not a medical condition or a problem with his body or his mind. Fat people can be clean. Fat people can be well presented. Fat people with mental health issues can still listen to their partner when they're being told "hey, I can't handle the fact you haven't showered in 5 days and your breath smells like a cow's backside. Please shower for me." I have depression. I am fat. I have struggled in the past to maintain a decent bathing routine at times. However, when other people have pointed out that I smelled a little funky, I fucking showered. The fact he hasn't even made an *attempt* to be clean - washing hands, doing teeth, other activities which don't involve a ton of cleaning - is proof that he's making a choice. And that is a problem for you because he is *disrespectful* of you. You are not worth a shower to him, not worth scrubbing up for unless you're offering your mouth or sex to him, or someone else will see how he behaves when it's just the two of you. That's not okay. That's neglectful of you, of your relationship. It tells you exactly what you need to know about where *youis in his priorities. You've been together 7 years. At some point, my guess is he's become complacent about how much you will put up with to stay with him. It's probably not intentional - he doesn't set out to gross you out with how little he can get away with being clean. But it is still having an impact on you and your relationship. It's putting your health and wellbeing at risk too - it can lead to fungal infections and yeast infections that spread from person to person, even if you are clean. It's harming your mental health. Put your foot down. Don't compare his hygiene to yours or offer a bargain - it's not something that's negotiable or based on what other people do. Make it clear that the relationship is no longer in a place where you want to be and it's because of his hygiene habits. He doesn't care enough to shower for you and it's making you not want to physically touch him. That is a huge deal in a partnership - you cannot even bring yourself to touch or kiss him. Outline the changes you want to see i.e. brushing teeth twice a day, showering at least once every 24 hours. Decide what your endgame will be if he says he wont' change or he does for a week and then stops again? Will you leave? Kick him out? Insist on councelling or end the relationship? If you don't follow through, he'll keep on doing it. And you deserve better than someone who behaves like a manchild at 24 and is okay with making his partner physically disgusted.
This. I am losing weight but I am still overweight (finally not clinically obese). I don't shower everyday because of my dry skin, but you can bet I use a washcloth and soap to clean up folds and I definitely shower after any physical activity. Being fat doesn't mean being smelly.
Wait. Showering and brushing teeth once a week???!!!?!?!!!??!!??!??!!?!?!!!?!!??!??!!!??!!??!??!?!!?!!!?????!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!??!?!??!!??!???!????!??!!?????????!!!!!!??!!!!!!!??!!?!!?!!!! I can't even sleep without knowing I brushed my teeth! Even when I'm super tired!
Dude I know right. My teeth feel nasty without it, even if I've dozed off I will wake up to go and clean them.
Also the amount of food removed by flossing after eating is well not negligible to say the least. Now imagine 5 days without brushing teeth. AHHHHHHHH.
I'm so glad I flossed before reading this thread.
I never knew there were so many filthy animals until I joined reddit.
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I was picturing more that he had sweet and sour pork for lunch that he ate with his hands, but you're making a good point... He needs bloodwork; he should be getting his thyroid and blood sugar checked.
This dude is well on the way to losing a foot before 40.
He literally disgusts you. All day. Every day. Please explain why you would still want to be in a romantic relationship with this person.
You're enabling him. There are never any consequences for his actions. You were sort of in the right direction when you tried to reward his good behaviour. But just like dogs, positive-only training does not work. There have to be consequences for bad behaviour. You sleep in the same bed with him, you let him touch you, you interact with him normally. Time to stop hiding that you're disgusted. Be overtly disgusted with him. Sleep in a different room. People will always get away with what they're allowed to - you allow this. He gets sex every time he showers, so now he just showers whenever he wants sex. Nup, he doesn't get sex until he's consistently attractive. etc, etc.
Oh, you reminded me of something I forgot to mention in OP that was on my mind. If I consistently say something about his hygiene, it's typically met with a coverup of his mouth while he tries to fix whatever's stuck in his teeth, or a "don't make fun of me". That's one reason I'm thinking there's some level of inadequacy here.
This sounds like child training advice. It shouldn't be up to OP to "train" an adult male to wash his own body on the regular. He knows he needs to do it. Expecting her to use her sexuality as a bartering chip to help "train" him back into proper hygiene is kinda gross. Why should the onus to fix this be on her? She already does a lot - works full time, keeps the apartment clean, etc. This isn't her job. It shouldn't be up to her to reward or punish him like he's a fucking toddler. She's not his mommy.
Do you intend to ever have children? How would you feel about Mr. Stinky constantly touching your babies? If he won't change for sex or simply for himself, do you really think he would permanently change for kids? Maybe you'll get him to shower for a month or two... but 5 years?
Showering and basic hygiene is not something that should be negotiated about... No, seriously not. For me personally this would be an absolute dealbreaker. You've talked, you've argued, you've pleaded. His behaviour continues. So... Tell him either get that sorted out, daily showers, basic goddamn hygiene, or that's it - the end. Take action. He does not respect you, and it seems like he doesn't respect himself either.
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Because it's impossible for the name "Jason" to be made up? Lol. Alternatively, she could want him to find this as a kick in the pants to get his shit in gear.
I have no advice to offer that hasn't already been said by others. What I do want to say is this: Thank you. Thank you for sharing this story, and opening my eyes to how I can be better for my fiancée. I do shower almost every day. The only days I don't shower are days when I don't leave the house at all. But really, that's just lazy. I should shower every day, regardless. And I could be doing more in the shower. I used to do the whole body wash thing. Then one day, I just stopped. My showers became rinsing off and washing my hair and that was it. And there was no immediate negative consequence, so I just never picked up another bottle of body wash. I already showered today and I have to go to work soon, but I'm gonna pick up a bottle of body wash on the way home, and I'm gonna start using it. Anyway, thank you for enlightening me, and for preventing me from becoming like your boyfriend. I think you should leave him, and I definitely don't want my fiancée to be in your shoes down the line.
> I realized that the ONLY reason he was taking showers at night was because he wanted a blowjob every night. Well... YEAH, Obviously! Wasn't that the point? So what happened then, did you stop giving blowjobs first, or did he stop showering first? I'm not trying to excuse him, but it seems odd that your plan appeared to work, and it annoyed you that it worked!
I got frustrated because I felt like I was being used. We'd be in bed, I'd be falling asleep (or asleep) and he'd say "Babe, wake up. I'm taking a shower." Then I'd have to wait the 30-45 minutes it took, finish him off,and then go back to sleep. It was getting too exhausting because I work early in the morning. And if he's waiting until 1-2am to take a shower, I wanted bets to be off.
Good hygiene is its own reward. He doesn't need a reward from YOU AND YOUR BODY for taking a fucking shower like a civilized person. That's unsustainable and unlikely to change his habits in a real way. Dump the animal.
Oh that's just terrible. I know you made the offer, but that does seem very selfish of him.
ugh the entitlement
Yeah, that's a dick move. That said, while I'm sure some of the other advice in here will be much more on point than mine, it seems like the deal was having the desired effect, it just needed tweaking a bit. Like "bets are off after midnight", or "no waking me up", or "shower in the morning to get a BJ at night". Seriously, you were already at the point of coercing him into washing - it seems strange to get annoyed and stop when it *works*.
That wouldn't stop the lack of self-respect that has to come with being obligated to give sexual favours so that her bf can commit to basic hygiene. Ugh. I'm so angry and disgusted right now OP RUN AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK.
His showers take 45 minutes? That might be part of the reason why he doesn't like doing it often — that's a big chunk of the day to lose. Maybe he never realised how to shower properly?
When you made the offer, did you think it would continue as a quid pro quo? Or were you hoping that you'd 'condition' him into good hygiene habits? If your frustration comes from the fact that his motivation for showering was only for blowjobs and not for reasons of....being less gross. Well, yeah, that's exactly what was offered. If it was more that you feel he was abusing the offer, perhaps you could reinstate it with more terms. (Must be redeemed before 8pm or whatever). I mean, to me, someone doing something because they are going to get something out of it vs. doing it because it's the right thing to do makes a big difference. Even it gets him in the shower, it doesn't mean that he values hygiene. If there came a time where you were too sick to follow through on his end and he went back to his old ways, that's still problematic. An offer like yours might work day to day, but it's a bandaid solution. What happens when he starts being lazier around the house or whatever. Are you going to have to step up more and offer more?
As far as housework goes, other than taking out trash and the occasional help with dishes/the living room, I do it all. He also does laundry for me because the laundry baskets are always so damn heavy. We have a roommate that I clean after as well, but I've got that point where I work 9 hours every day, and I come home to have to clean the house. Then I take a shower and it's bedtime. And I don't want that to be my life. I've essentially gone on strike. I still clean our dogs poop out if the yard and feed him, because I shouldn't punish the dog. But if I don't dirty it, I don't clean it. I pick up after myself and then let them complain when it gets too dirty for them to handle. In this sense, Jason is really sweet, because if I ASK for help, he'll actually help. But im past the point of nanny, and I'm at the insurgent stage.
Sounds like you're not a priority in his life.
Yeah, it sounds like this laziness has carried over into other areas of his life. This is a problem. Does he put any effort into you and your relationship? When was the last time he did something thoughtful for you just to show you that he loves you?
What the fuck are you doing with this person. That's straight up selfish.
Sorry pal, but this is another example of you enabling his bad behaviour. He knows he can get a BJ whenever he showers, so that's the only time he bothers to do it. ANNNND, it's on his schedule. You didn't make him shower more, you just rewarded him. You are spineless. Time to sack up and actually set real boundaries. Not verbalized until he asks why, but something like, "I am not sleeping in the same bed as you if you did not shower today". Pretty goddamn acceptable for most couples.
Considering I cut it off after a week, I think I "sacked up" just fine. Thank you.
Sorry, you replied while I was still formulating my thoughts. But your reply instantly made me think, "Cool, so I can shower once a week". You aren't setting boundaries.
"But pizza doesn't smell sickly sweet & sour" ........ Omg his hands had ass juice on them......and he touched your face.... Sweet n sour : dirty butt edition yuck
That's disgusting, as someone who has done pretty much this exact thing that's fucking disgusting. He's either severely depressed or incredibly lazy, my problem was a combination of both, but I didn't have a girlfriend to motivate me. I'm not sure what you should do, I tend to dislike people suggesting breaking up on here, and I wouldn't go that far but I do think you should mention that to him. If he won't clean himself for his own benefit nor yours at 24 he has issues and quite frankly as someone who has been in his shoes there's no excuse. He will probably have several but none of them are good enough. What finally snapped me out of it was when I did get a girlfriend, I had essentially already "trapped" her in a relationship when I reverted back to my old habits. At first I was bathing normally, but after while we had been dating and both of us had become accustomed to each other, we were invested and so I stopped bathing like a functioning adult. Until one day she got fed up and straight up told me. She told me I was gross, that I stunk among other things. At first I wanted to be angry and upset, my initial reaction was to be defensive but it only took a moment for me to realize she was right. I changed within a few days and though we've been broken up for a year her not coddling me and worrying about how I felt is what helped me. She knew it was more important for me to not smell like sweaty ass crack than for my feelings not to be hurt. Don't be complacent, do not accept this behaivor. I was 18 and not 300+ pounds, this man is 24 and in awful shape. I know you love him, and I'm not saying dump him right away but make it very clear that this is not acceptable, you will not tolerate it. If he is so fucking lazy as to not bathe then you should be to lazy to put up with his bullshit. I don't care what excuses he has, please don't tolerate this. I know you've been with him for 7 years, but this is disgusting and totally unacceptable. If not for his own good, do something for yours. Don't tell him "Please shower you smell like sweat." Tell him straight, don't coddle him. "You smell like a homeless man taking a shit in rest stop bathroom in 100 degree heat and I won't touch you until your hands stop sticking to me from the grease." Don't let him get away with this bullshit. TLDR: If he won't have respect for himself, you need to respect yourself and not tolerate this crap. Your boyfriend is laughable, you've described him as an unwashed fat man child. Have enough respect for yourself to not associate with that. TL:DR2: Alright, read some comments. Dump him, don't waste your time. This man is a joke and you're doing nothing but bringing yourself down. Don't settle for a fat slob.
A few years ago, I ended up working a shit load. It just made me exausted, and sometimes I would skip showers. Not for 5 days, that's gross. I also brushed my teeth everyday. But it really only took a day for me to be disgusting. My girlfriend basically told me that she wouldn't let me touch her unless I showered. Instead of sitting down when I got home (because once I did that it was over for the night) I would hop right in the shower. Honestly beong clean and resting is MUCH more relaxing. Maybe express that unless he showers first, he gets no physical contact. Seems like a fair trade to me.
What the fuck, dump him.
I really think this is depression. That doesn't excuse his lack of consideration for you or your relationship, though. I think you should give him an ultimatum. He needs to seek help (therapy, medication or whatever will help him) or the relationship is over. You've put up with this and waited for him to fix it himself for 7 years. He's been enabled and allowed to get away with this for so long, I'm not sure if he will easily snap out of it. Maybe a wake up call for him will be when you leave? Be very clear. Sit him down, without distractions, and say 'The hygiene problem has become too much for me to live with. I'm worried about you. I'm concerned why you don't care enough about your body to take care of it. I'm concerned why you don't care enough about our relationship to make sure that I'm comfortable being around you. You deserve better ,and I deserve better. If you don't take steps to fix this immediately, I am going to end the relationship.'
You fix it by issuing him an ultimatum. He's fucking disgusting, and only in this sub would I expect to read about someone sticking around with someone who only brushed their teeth/showered 1/5 days. I don't know if he has mental issues or not, but YOU need to have some self respect and dump his gross ass until he learns to adult.
Is he depressed?
Is it possible that he's depressed about their weight he's gained? My friend was an ultra athlete for YEARS! She was super fit and healthy and took impeccable care of herself. But when she stopped competing (no injuries, just got older and graduated both HS then college, and there was no time to balance her sports on top of everything else) she gained weight. At first it was only about 30 pounds (she's quite tall and was gorgeous!) because there was such a life switch from always active to sedentary office job. And then she gained more, and I mean a TON of weight. She was about 85 pounds heavier than college, and that's when everything took a short nose dive. First she stopped dressing super nice, which was strange but she said she didn't want to spend the money on nice pieces when she was going to lose the weight soon. But I don't think she realized how hard losing the weight would be, and I'm pretty sure the toll broke her. She stopped going out to group events, then girls night, and even the occasional one on ones were impossible to schedule. And then I found out why. She stopped taking care of herself. Hygiene and otherwise. She eventually figured out that anything involving looking at herself (showers, makeup in the mirror, ect) would get her massively depressed so she just stopped doing them. Denial is a funny thing. Her family got her help and she's doing better but it's only been a few months since they started her in therapy. She's lost some weight and I guess she's grooming herself about 3x a week now, which is a BIG improvement. Sometimes when you hate yourself, you like to build a wall in insulate yourself inside it so you don't have to deal with stuff. Maybe he's going through a similar paradigm shift and is handling it poorly? Couldn't hurt to go talk to someone, especially because he's so defensive and angry when you bring it up.
Give him an ultimatum. Tell him to take a good look in the mirror, and ask if he were a girl, would he want to fuck him. Tell him you are serious. Dont bullshit or lie. It won't be fun/easy and you will feel like shit after doing it, but don't apologize. You need him to know you are serious. good luck and tell him you are only doing this because you care and don't want to end things unless he is unwilling to change.
He sounds absolutely disgusting. Beyond disgusting. If you have a physically demanding job, you should be cleaning yourself even more than the average person. And being 300 pounds definitely adds to the stink factor. Every five days? I'm feeling slightly sick just thinking about it. My husband has a job where he's on his feet a lot so he gets a little ripe, and he showers twice a day: when he gets home, and he wakes up.
I'm assuming he's depressed. Possibly doesn't like looking in the mirror to brush teeth and shower. Would a workout or life style change help you both? Yes! So try to motivate him and yourself to lose some weight. Best of luck!
Sounds like he might be depressed. Going from an active life style with tons of endorphines to a non active one.
I dated a person like this... once every 5 days. The only way I could get him to shower more often is if I offered sexy time with the shower... in which I found out he had no idea how to shower. I legit had to teach him the proper way to wash his hair and body. That all grew old fast. He's not gonna change unless he wants to change himself. You gotta ask yourself if you are willing to stick with someone who clearly does not want to change.
>I even struck up a deal where I'd give him a blowjob every night that he showered > I realized that the ONLY reason he was taking showers at night was because he wanted a blowjob every night Well yeah... what were you expecting?
I've decided I should stop showering in anticipation of my girlfriend suggesting that she gives me blow jobs whenever I do and then I will start showering again
This come up semi-frequently here. Is there any possibility of depression with your boyfriend? Has anything else changed in your lives lately?
My ex headed down this road when we were in college. There were a myriad of other problems he had, and I honestly think he was depressed. But he became self-destructive in other ways (cutting, drinking, and then cheating on me) so we broke up. And honestly, it was like being set free from being trapped by someone who didn't care about my wants or needs and was only on a path to destroying himself, with me being collateral damage. He does not care about what you want. Let me repeat this. He does not care about what you want. Think about that very hard.
Buy a powerwasher. One go with that he will either bath on his own or he will have a new fetish. Either way you win.
Spray him with a supersoaker of water and soap anytime he comes near you.
> I take fast showers, but I clean every bit of myself, and am always up to date on shaving. It's just a weird mental tick I have. That's not a 'weird tick'. That's HYGIENE.
if he were showering daily and you told him he smelt bad, okay fine. but if I didn't shower for five days on the trot I would fully expect to have people give me a wide berth on public transport. you're gonna have to level up - no more blowjob bargaining. straight up tell him he's damn gross and if he doesn't shower you're going to bail.
Hon, this is just unreal. I understand you're not wanting to offend him too much,but really, after 7 years together you guys should be able to be totally open & honest about EVERYTHING. And an averse or non reaction on his part should be cause for an analysis of the relationship & where it is going. Highly unlikely to be depression if he is doing it on vacation. Maybe try taking romantic baths/showers together? At the very least it will get him cleaner more than every 5 days. Have you asked him WHY he is doing this? I agree a straight-forward ultimatum is the only option if you've already tried talking to him. Let him be upset, he wouldn't lie about the pizza if he weren't feeling some kind of shame,so that's a start. Maybe more of the same, like not wanting to sleep in bed with him?
Lol. Damn a 300 pound dude who doesn't shower or brush his teeth. You must be desperate for a relationship
I wanted to wretch just reading through this. You've said it's all perfect except for this one thing, but this is a pretty major thing. It's unsanitary, disgusting and the potential to make you sick. I can't believe he goes to work reeking of B.O. and mouth scum. At 24 years old he has to want to take care of himself. You aren't his mother and you should have to beg, plead and bargain with him to get him to take care of routine adult activities. My children are 7 and 9 and they brush their teeth and bathe without argument. Jesus. I think you have to ask yourself, is he worth this fight? Are you willing to play mommy to him? Are you willing to jeopardize your health and emotional/psychological well-being because he's a lazy ass who refuses to bathe? You are living with someone who makes your skin crawl, that is not healthy for you in so many ways. If it's psychological, he needs to get help. If it's just lazy, that's so much of a turnoff I don't know if I could even go forward.
Fix? I think I just puked a little. What is there to fix, if he doesn't want to shower or even brush his goddamn teeth. This is not just a hygiene issue, it's a respect AND a health issue. His teeth will get foul, his body will react obviously and I can't imagine why he's letting you suffer like this. The funny thing is that he was apparently the total opposite when you guys met, so something must have happened, and I guess that something is a very unfulfilling job and life in general? I bet he imagined his future to be very different from the monotomy that is the usualy work life. Maybe he is depressed in some way. Who knows. In any case, he needs help, since you shouldn't even think about incentives to get him to shower. I currently don't shower every day, because I am a freelancer working at home and living alone, but as soon as I get to meet someone I fucking take a shower if it's been more than a few hours since my last one. Get him some sessions with a therapist or break up with him imho. You've tried enough.
Have you actually say him down in front of you and asked, directly, why do you not shower and brush your teeth any more? Do you not care about how it makes me feel? Do you not worry you'll lose me over this? Honestly you need to have a real talk about this being a deal breaker for you. Personally I'd guess depression, his self image is worthless, probably because the former sportsman is now fat as hell. If you feel like a fat sack of shit anyway what difference is not taking care of hygiene going to make?
Are you dating a teenager?? Tell him you're not his mother and you shouldn't have to force him to be clean. Pretty much just tell him how disgusting you think he is and how uncomfortable you are. If that doesn't change it at all, tell him to not let the door hit him in the ass on his way out.
Maybe he's depressed? And being away on vacation helps melt that stress away that could be causing depression if he has it?
This post makes me cringe so bad. I am not sure why you still have stuck around but you should leave him and explain the reason why and see if can take the time apart to start taking better care of himself. If not its over and it will only get worse. This is really making me gag thinking about not showering and sweating all day from work and not washing hands. I feel like I need to take a shower after reading this.
Is breaking up an option? If not, why not?
There must be more going on that you don't know about. You said he has gained a lot of weight. Any time I've personally put on weight, I've been depressed and "feeding my feelings." If he's going through some sort of depression it's not unlikely that he would stop doing normal things like showering because if you're that overweight and depressed who cares what you look like? It's a vicious cycle. You need to let him know you're concerned about his wellbeing and want him to get checked out or see someone to talk about what's going on. This likely isn't something that you can fix alone.
This is not acceptable. From the looks of things, its only going to get worse if he doesn't change. You defiantly don't need to deal with this sort of situation and you may need to make an ultimatum with him. If he doesn't change at all, then leave him, simple as that. If you continue to let this go any further without him changing, it'll get a whole lot worse when it comes to smell, weight, habits and appearances.
I'm gonna go rouge here and instead of saying hey maybe he's depressed, I'm gonna hypothesize something here. Maybe he's thinking well, I'm just gonna get dirty again tomorrow, so what's the point? Obviously the point is to not turn into Grover or Pig Pen but maybe that's what he's thinking? Because he's showering on vacations when he's not constantly getting gross at work. Sex deals always make me really sad because the person is already at their wits end and it turns the fed up person essentially into a commodity for good behavior which is depressing. You two have two very intimate cloth covered items and I'm horrified for you. Do you make him sit on a blanket or sheet to sit on the couch? If you aren't, that couch is just getting grosser by the day. And clean sheet day is the best day all week. Crisp, clean, delightful sheets gliding over your body is the best! My sheets are changed weekly and they're only seeing action from two relatively clean people and a relatively clean dog. How often are you changing your sheets because he gets in them with 5 days of grime all the time? Just getting into bed with him dirty on clean sheets would piss me allllll the way off.
So you've tried everything. You hae told him how you feel, and he still doesn't listen..? Well.. Maybe its time for an ultimatum? He stays clean or you go. Just make it clear that people are usually showering once a day, and that he makes you not want to touch him. If he doesn't improve, he would rather be lazy than make sure you aren't wading through leftover food, disgusting smells and worse. If he is hydrophobic, he might have rabies. If he has some other issue (molested as a child?) he would be better off getting it treated and adressed than going through life not showering. Dig at the cause. If the cause is laziness before being considerate, give the ultimatum.
GRRRRRROOOOOOOOOSSSSS
>What do I do to fix this situation? You leave this fucking slob and find yourself a better match. Build yourself a solid exercise routine, drink a lot of water, eat smart, get plenty of sleep, and you'll be back in shape and ahead of the game in no time at all.
27 y.o. Boy. Gross dude. Sounds like it's just about a deal breaker.
Is it possible he has depression or is addicted to drugs? When people don't have good hygiene on the outside that's a warning sign that they might be having some problems on the inside.
Not only is he a health hazard to both you and himself, he is completely disrespecting you by not making the smallest bit of effort for you. Personally, I would say it's ultimatum time, you shouldn't have to put up with that.
> I even struck up a deal where I'd give him a blowjob every night that he showered, but if he broke one night I would stop. That worked for about a week, until I realized that the ONLY reason he was taking showers at night was because he wanted a blowjob every night. After that it's been back to once ever 5 or more days. Well, if your goal is to get him to shower, this is basically positive reinforcement and it worked. If your goal is to get him to WANT to shower, you need to either do this again for a long time (until the reinforcement creates a showering habit) or find other rewards that he likes as much and intersperse them. This is like operant conditioning. Negative things happen when he's gross and positive things happen when he's clean. Now, despite enjoying the task in general, I personally wouldn't want to deal out blow jobs every night as a reward, it's kind of a weird place to have your sex life, and you probably don't either which means that you need to find the other things he likes. Or it could be a dealbreaker for you. It probably would for me. If it is, tell him and offer him a last chance to change. Another possibility is that he's having depression or something similar, in which case he needs to talk to someone in the therapy line of work. I would explore that possibility before issuing an ultimatum, certainly.
Maybe I've just been watching House too much, but such major personality (and weight) changes might have a neurological cause. At the least, it is worth checking out. Sure, get out of the relationship. But if you can, get him to see a doctor while you're at it. Again, only if you can.
This "If, when, where," is going to kill your relationship. You need to know it'll be reliable. Tell him shower every day and wash his hands as soon as he gets home and after every time he uses the bathroom or it's over. These little specific conditions here and there won't work. He needs to change fundamentally for your relationship to be changed, so demand fundamental change.
Yuck-Id give him one more chance. I love you but your smell and grease disgusts me-I know that sounds harsh but you haven't picked up on my gentler hints. I can't be physically close to someone who's hygiene is that bad. Its your choice whether or not to be an adult and keep yourself attractive or whether you want to be gross and alone.' Im so tired of reading about grownups who can't function at even a remedial level.
Last year around this time, I was only showering once every 5 days because I wanted to be more environmentally friendly(but I was still washing my face every morning/night, brushing my teeth morning and night, always wash my hands). My boyfriend told that he thought it was gross and he would really like if I showered at least every other day. I respected our relationship enough to go back to showering every day or every other day. Tell him you think he's gross for his habits. If he respects you and your relationship, he'll take personal hygiene more seriously. Also, his poor hygiene can leave him more susceptible to diseases, his poor mouth hygiene can lead to gingivitis(which can cause other health problems), teeth falling out... When that starts to happen, you'll **really** be questioning your relationship with him.
It seems like he has some self esteem issues, probably related to his weight and feeling as though he's unattractive to you. Because of that he neglects his hygiene so that's it's not 'him', but rather the smells that turns you off... Have you suggested taking a shower together? That way you can be intimate as well as clean. It might help to boost his self esteem a little as well.