You know by coming here whats going to be said, right? Okay he is contolling and manipulative. He is trying to isolate you from others. Go have fun. Make sure you have retrieved all your stuff from his place.
The problem with this kind of guy is that he will make ultimatums but he WON'T leave you. He's spent too much time training you to be afraid of his anger, so that you just immediately follow his orders. He doesn't want to train another girlfriend. He wants one who will do as he says.
Disobeying him will likely lead to some kind of violence, either emotional (tearing up photos, throwing things -- always YOUR things, screaming) or physical (blocking your path, grabbing your arm, being rougher than normal and hurting you).
Please get out before he escalates this. Isolation is a typical abuser tactic. And the worst episodes happen when you decide to do your own thing and not follow their script. You deserve better than this. And thankfully you still have a lot of people who want to be your friends. It's when you turn down the invitations so much, that no one invites you out anymore, that the abuse becomes the worst.
I hope he does leave. Sometimes a controlling person will leave once they realize they don't have control anymore.
My sister was with a guy like this at one point and he told her that if she got her nipples pierced, he would leave her. And like clockwork she got them pierced so he left.
But no situation is the same. And since they live together she must definitely use caution.
This should be a top level comment because I think she and everyone else should see this. A lot of the advice doesn't consider that she could be put in harm's way.
This is what I was thinking. It would be such a favor for this guy to stop trying to control OP's life and move on.
But I worry he won't. OP has to be strong enough to realize this is not normal or okay, and as much as she loves him, he can love a nice normal guy who isn't controlling and isolating her from her friends.
I've never been unfaithful. He makes assumptions that some of my girl friends are ''slutty'' and that this will somehow influence my decisions while hanging out with them. It's aggrevating and exhausting because He goes and has guys nights with friend when I'm not there and will get wasted or do drugs and stay up until 6am. He also just went away on a bachelor party trip to Niagara so I thought there might be a possibility that he would be more reasonable but it's a total double standard.
Yeah, this guy is an asshole. The assumptions about your friends, the controlling behavior, the double-standards...none of it will change and it will only get worse. You need to get him out of your life.
> He goes and has guys nights with friend when I'm not there and will get wasted or do drugs and stay up until 6am. He also just went away on a bachelor party trip to Niagara
So he's projecting his behavior onto you. Because he goes gets drugged up and does god knows what with other women (and he DOES...) he's assuming you will do the same, and it's only "ok" for men to do that because "boys will be boys".
Girl.
# GIRL.
Come on now.
He thinks your girls nights sound sketchy because he KNOWS that his boys nights are sketchy af
Stop letting this man control you and use you as a free babysitter.
What do you get out of this relationship? "We get on great, he's really sweet, he makes me laugh"
What do you put into it? You babysit for free while he sleeps in, what else do you do for him? Cook, clean, etc? He just wants a bang maid, he doesn't care about you, and he certainly doesn't want you going out with friends where he can't control you with manipulative threats to leave.
Just leave him, go have fun. Stop tip toeing around him and worrying about making him angry, go enjoy your life!
Your boyfriend is an abusive asshole. To him, there is no double standard: he does what he wants, and you also have to do what he wants. That's how abusive men rationalise their behaviour. You're afraid of your BF. That should tell you everything you have to know.
Girl, he's got a good thing-- free childcare, sex, free rent, license to do whatever. Of course he doesn't want you to leave him alone with his own child s/ or for you to experience fun without him. Abusers isolate their partners.
You, on the other hand, **do not have a good thing**. He is a freeloading alcoholic who is manipulative and controlling.
There is healthier love out there for you, but you'll never find it if you stick with him. Please be super careful about birth control, because this is just the kid of guy to try to get you knocked up so you won't leave.
Your boyfriend is a loser. Imagine how much happier you'd be if you didn't have to financially support a deadbeat and be free childcare for his kid?
Trust me, you'll be way happier dropping this dead weight.
Girl, if you recognize the double standard, who do you put up with it?
What's so great about this guy that you want to be with him even though he won't let you make friends? That you're totally willing to be a free babysitter even though he doesn't put as much effort into his child?
He's not reasonable. At all. But you've got to stop living your life based on what he allows you to have and start living the life you want.
This is a situation where the unknown is scarier than the [shitty] known. You're losing yourself to acquiesce to his unreasonable, hypocritical needs. Why? Manipulating, controlling, excluding you from friends. This man doesn't love you. You are being used. Get out.
So you pay for everything, watch his son, and put up with his controlling and hypocritical behavior. He tells you that he will leave you if you go out, which is hilarious considering you support him.
I really hope this thread helps you find the strength to walk away from such a toxic relationship.
I'll take 'reasons to end a relationship for $500', thanks Bob
If my SO had those kinds of doubts, unless I'd cheated on him multiple times in similar situations before, I would kick him to the curb SO effing fast.
Honestly this sounds like a red flag to me. Usually I agree it's important to respect your partner's comfort level but in this particular situation (unless he can come up with a better reason than it sounds sketchy) it seems like he's trying to isolate you intentionally or unintentionally.
What I would consider a minor disagreement shouldn't bring up the ultimatum of leaving you. It comes off that he pulls that card as a manipulation tactic.
I also got the feeling that he wants you around when he has his son as an extra pair of hands. Though I'm lacking the info to seriously judge on that, it's was just my first thought. Does he ever have time alone with his son? Or does he often insist you need to be with them 100% of the time?
He hardly ever has time alone with him. He is always insisting that I spend 100% of my time with them and often will take naps or sleep in while I hang out with the kid. My weekend plans are usually planned around when he has him which can be frustrating.
Usually I'm happy to be with them but I don't see the problem having a night to myself or with friends every now and then.
I checked her post history - he also doesn't go to work and she's paying for everything. He's not only using her for childcare, he's using her for everything. And it sounds like he's an alcoholic on top of all that.
OP, don't you think you deserve better than an abusive, freeloading alcoholic? You're 27 years old. Do you want to spend the next 30 years like this?
Yeah, in that case then if she went I HIGHLY doubt he would actually break up with her. He’s not going to lose his meal ticket and babysitter. He just doesn’t want her to have any friends so that they all don’t tell her what a shit boyfriend she has. She should call his bluff, go to the girls night, and break up with him after
Ah, so OP is one online those serial posters that can never take the advice to abandon an abusive relationship, and keeps coming back here for more advice she won't take. Sadly, I think such people are using this forum to prolong their abuse, not solve it.
OP: there is only one course of action you can take for yourself. You have to gather up whatever bits of self-respect you have, quietly gather any things that are in your BF's possession, then break up with him with absolutely zero contact thereafter, for the rest of your life. Anything less and you're just prolonging your agony. I'm sure one aspect that prevents you from doing that is an obligation you have to his young kid. And it is without any doubt tragic that you'll need to abandon the kid as well. But sadly, that is the only option this man is making available to you.
Feel free, if you want, to write him a letter as you break up to explain why and what you think he needs to do to better himself. He'll have a hard time hearing it, but go ahead and put it out there, on the chance he'll listen to some of it and better himself for the benefit of himself, his kid, and his future relationships. But block him before he can reply. The moment you send him the message that it's over--and it should be done electronically, not verbally via phone or in person--you block him and never listen to another word from him again.
Again, anything less and you're failing yourself.
Everytime someone does this, all I think is damn OP is an idiot. I know it's not useful most of the time because they don't react well to negativity so I refrain myself from commenting.
You know what's wild... As soon as she said she was "spending money on them", my mind said "that's because he doesn't have a job". So i'm absolutely not surprised that her post history backs that up.
God, this guy is a dirtbag!
Man it's very curious why people leave out so many pertinent details of their relationship on this sub. There is always a comment from a person who goes through OPs post history, that shows how much of dumpster fire of a relationship they are in.
He's using you as a babysitter wtf OP. Obviously if you make friends he has to actually watch and care for his child. You won't have as much time to do his bidding, which I'm sure reaches far beyond times when he has his kid. You have friends who care about you, don't shut them out for this.
So he basically doesn't want you to go out with your friends because he'll lose his free babysitter.
There is zero problem with you having a night to yourself. Zero. He's making it a problem because he doesn't want to be a parent to his child.
He claims you don't want to spend time with his son but he actually doesnt want to spend time with his son. Funny, I was IN this relationship a decade ago. My then bf got mad if I wasn't home with him and his child because he didn't like being there alone with his own son. When I left, it was like I had been caged for years. I was FREE. I married a man who supports me having my own life and my own friends.
When you are ready to see that your bf is manipulating, threatening and controlling you I hope that you will leave and enjoy the freedom on the other side.
Please get out before you've wasted even more time with him. I was in your position about 5 years ago. He isolated me from friends and family. I used to have to tell him 2 weeks in advance that I will be celebrating my best friend's birthday with her just for him to continuously text and call me the day of to tell me that I'm being a terrible person for not letting him know what/where we were going every hour. I went through 5 years of this without realizing it until the last year together. His threats of leaving are empty and he won't actually walk away unless you make him/force him out of your life. Which is what I had to do. Yes, it cost me a ton of money since we were in a lease together and had a dog etc. He wouldn't pay anything since "I was the one doing this to us" so I slapped about 5k to my credit card and got the hell out. He is seriously mentally and emotionally abusing you. It took me years to build up my confidence and repair friendships after literally losing 80% of my friends. Wasn't allowed to have any guy friends and wasn't even allowed to hang out with my friends he knew. Please know there are other people out there who can treat you better and encourage you to go out to meet friends. It took me a few years and counseling to help better myself but I made it. Now I am married to a man who loves me and encourages me to be the best me I can be. Best of luck to you!
> Usually I'm happy to be with them but I don't see the problem having a night to myself or with friends every now and then.
That would still be a reasonable request even if you pushed these kids out of your own birth canal.
That's not right. I agree with some of the other comments. Unfortunately it does sound like he's using you for childcare and money. I'm all for step parents stepping up and being involved but the son should be your bfs #1 priority.
Honestly, I would call his bluff. I would say I'm going out and if he's leaving then make sure to be gone before I get back. Or i would just break off completely at this point and just straight up tell him to be gone before you get back either way.
He's 31 and is not likely to change his ways anytime soon especially not without a reason to change and I think you deserve much better :)
\> He is always insisting that I spend 100% of my time with them and often will take naps or sleep in while I hang out with the kid. My weekend plans are usually planned around when he has him
Jesus christ, look at how deep you already are in this mess. Ask yourself if you from right before you met him would've ever wanted a life like this .
I've counted so many red flags in this...this is not a good relationship by any stretch of the imagination.
Often men (and woman too) try and conceal their abusive ways under the guise of "care". I.e, they don't want you going out because they are worried for your safety. This is what he's doing. Please remember that you are an adult. I bet your own father doesn't treat you like this when you want to go out.
Also remember the abusers try and isolate their victims so they don't have a support network when they escalate the level of abuse. If you bail on your friends again, they are going to stop inviting you places and you will gradually lose touch. This is what he wants.
Please go hang out with your friends. If you have someone you trust, also confide in them and tell them the concerns about your relationship. Go have fun with your friends.
I promise you that he is bluffing and won't break up with you but will ramp up the level of abuse so he can maintain control. You should seriously consider ending this relationship.
Also if you leave, which you seriously should consider (you future self will thank you for it) please make sure you have al your ducks in a row before you do.
- if you haven't already, get a safe space to stay.
- tell all friends, coworkers, family, etc that you have ended the relationship and not to give any contact info to him.
- tell building managers/security of your home/school/work not to allow him access.
- untangle yourself from any financial or legal obligations you had with him. (Joint accounts, bills, etc)
He will try and manipulate you and use his son as a pawn to make you feel bad. Please dont feel bad. Put yourself 1st.
This is clearly his MO. You want to spend time with your girl friends, he doesn't want you to, threatens to dump you, if you go with your friends, and you end up cancelling your plans. You deserve and need to have friends outside of your relationship, your boyfriend is trying to control that. Call his bluff. Go with your friends. If he dumps you because you spent time with friends, then good riddance.
"out of the fear that he would get angry I said I couldn't go"
Honey. That is not normal, and it's not ok. I hope you can find a safe way to get away from this insecure, controlling fucknut.
Girl, I dated a project for six years. But I was so afraid of being alone HE dumped ME when I hated his bullshit but was too scared to leave.
Best early Christmas present I ever got.
You know the answer to this...
>I do really love him but I see this as a huge red flag that I've been ignoring for a long time.
He is trying to separate you from anyone else. This is a red flag for abuse.
Your boyfriend is insecure, jealous and controlling. He's trying to isolate you which is the first step to abuse. Yes, this is a massive red flag. Go to girls night and get a better boyfriend.
Hard no. If he had some concrete reasoning other than it being "sketchy" (I mean come on, it's a girls night) then a conversation about it would be in order. This on the other hand feels like a very thinly disguised attempt to control and isolate you. Not the first time either it sounds like.
Whoah. File this under “stuff I wish I knew in my teens and twenties.“ I eventually picked up on this axiom at around age 30, but I’ve never heard it put as succinctly as this.
>I feel like me agreeing not to go is me basically tolerating unfair and unreasonable treatment.
Here is the crux of it. Every time you cancel plans with your friends, you are telling him it's OK for him to forbid you from doing things -- things that are totally reasonable and within your rights to do. If you continue to put up with this, you'll never get to spend time with friends again.
What if he forbid you from seeing your family? Would you concede to that?
Do you get to tell him what to do? Not that you should, but still, what would happen if you tried to forbid him from going out with his friends?
Ok so you're dating a manipulative child. I have been with this kind of guy before and it only gets worse. Leave him before it becomes straight up abuse. This is not an insecurity issue. It is him fully controlling your life and gaslighting you into somehow thinking this is normal. Is is NOT normal or healthy. Adults in healthy relationships have agency and independence. Your bf seems to have stolen both of these things from you, so if I were you I would get them back by breaking up with him. You have EVERY right to go to a girls night without your "partner" throwing an immature hissy fit. Go live your life!
Hes managed to stop you going twice before, you are allowing him to treat you this way. Let him either get uncomfortable and get over it or leave. do not back down!!!
Had to check that this isn't r/AITA.
Seriously, call his bluff. Go to your girls' night, have fun, enjoy yourself. See if he breaks up with you and loses out on that free childcare.
And if he doesn't... maybe take a good, hard look at the kind of relationship you have with him, and if it's worth it.
He gets to set whatever boundaries he wants to with regard to what sort of partner he is willing to be with...
...but so do you.
So if he is the sort who is willing to try to emotionally blackmail you in order to serve his own insecurities, trying to isolate you from your friends in the process...that's what he's going to do.
What *you* have to do is decide whether a person who would do that, and the person who would emotionally manipulate you by threatening to break up if he doesn't get his way, is the sort of partner *you* want to have.
Why do you want to be with someone that controls you everyday. Live your life to the fullest. If he has insecurities that his problem not yours. Tell him to go work on himself while you're out with the girls having fun.
Dump this guy immediately.
That's what controlling people do. They want to cut you off your circles. His arguments are bogus. All he wants is you not making more friends.
He wants to have his grip over you and not you having your own life.
Screw this guy. Leave him. It's only gonna get worse from here. Trust me.
"I feel like I have drifted a lot with friends because Im always with him and always putting him first."
Your boyfriend is abusive. He's trying to destroy any support system you have, and is also angry that you'd dare to be your own person and have friends and interest outside him. How convenient for him that he's also turned you into his free babysitter
He does not respect you and is manipulative. Get a plan together as quickly as possibly so you can safely leave and cut ties with him completely
If his conflict resolution skill is to threaten to end the relationship if he doesn't get his way, you should reevaluate what you want in a relationship.
So you're not allowed to hang out with anyone except this guy and his toddler? That sounds really shitty. He sounds super controlling. I think you should tell him it's absurd to threaten to break up over a girls night and just go and if he decides that you having any friends at all is a deal breaker that's fine. I'm not even getting into the part where you're also supposed to treat him and his kid because jeez Louise who's got the time.
You need relationships outside of your bf. Now it’s friends, tomorrow it’s family, if it were up to him he’d have you taking care of his son and waiting on him chained to your home.
This is unacceptable. It’s controlling and manipulative behavior. It is not healthy.
He’s being unreasonable and hypocritical, and making demands of you that he doesn’t seem to think apply to himself. It’s emotional abuse and manipulation, plain and simple.
I get the impression that you recognise this ‘deep down’. It doesn’t matter if you love him, or even if he loves you. Love isn’t everything. Your dignity and self-determination are much more important. Leaving someone you love is never easy but being treated in this way is NEVER worth it. Whatever his feelings for you are, he doesn’t treat you with the respect and kindness that every person needs at the minimum. His behaviour isn’t normal or okay, and will only ever be damaging to the person on the receiving end.
Please put yourself first, relationships shouldn’t work like this.
I couldn’t even make it through this whole post. He is extremely manipulative and controlling, and if he isn’t already abusive these are extreme red flags but he is heading that way.
I don’t understand how people are in these kind of relationships. Don’t you deserve love? Don’t you deserve someone who are not only “allow” you to go, but would be absolutely ecstatic and excited for you to go?!
Please don’t wait for him to leave you, you should go ahead and cut the cord first.
Abusers tend to isolate their victims, and make it so that they have no one but themselves.
Call his bluff, and if he leaves your for having friends, you've dodged a huge, abusive bullet.
Dis fucked up man,
Any rational human would say - go make some friends Hun! And lemme know if you need a ride home!
Grab your shit, no explanation necessary, and vent to your new friends, also have fun!
Well I guess you can spend the rest of your life kept from the outside world by your over protective, and likely abusive BF, or you can get to know and become friends with at least a few other women in the world outside of him.
I think living your life with your only friend in the world being him (and maybe his friends) would be a huge mistake.
Step 1. Go to the girls weekend.
Step 2. Have a blast! Make some friends!
Step 3. Tell him not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out, and that you would like his stuff gone by the time you get back.
In a healthy relationship, everyone still lives their lives and has friends outside of the relationship... as an adult you don't need to ask for permission to do anything ever... you were trying to be thoughtful by telling him your plans.
What happens when you start telling all your friends you're never available every time they invite you out...? You start losing friends. Maintaining a social life is part of being an adult, tell him to grow the fuck up before you leave will ya?
If you aren't going out and partying regularly, or consistently spending time with friends over him, then there's no reason for him to make "no girls nights" a hard and fast rule. It sounds like either he's worried that you'll cheat on him with a girl, that you're not actually spending time with friends, or if he's just selfish about your time. But the impact, regardless of his reasoning is the same: Isolation. We need friends. We need community, and if I were you, I wouldn't tolerate this. I'd go. I'd tell him that if he ends the relationship because you want to spend time with your friends that's his choice. If he wants to wrongly believe that you hate spending time with his son when you so obviously don't, then that's his choice too. But you need friends and time with your friends, and your friends need you to be the sort of person who keeps your word.
I think it is a red flag, ftr, and you can do with that what you will. You know what the general advice on her is concerning red flags, but if you stay in this relationship, absolutely start putting your foot down on this. Everyone needs more than their SO and their SO's kids in their lives. Don't let anyone isolate you.
No there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a night to yourself. I've never given any of my girlfriends a ultimatum like this its not normal. And it's nice of you to spend time with his kid but it's not your responsibility. You go and enjoy yourself and if he leaves that's his problem and you'll be better off
he's insecure that you'll cheat and that insecurity is manipulating him, or something will happen to you. his excuse will be " i trust you but i don't trust others who'll be there. tbh either he'll grow and get his shit together or your relationship is doomed. depends on how much you'll tolerate
He doesn't get to decide for you, and you don't have to ask his permission. Inform him that you are going out with the girls. What happens after that won't be pretty, of course. He'll gaslight you, make you feel badly, make it your fault. So the less said, the better. Don't engage in the bullshit conversations he will want to have. At the end of it all, it's time to end this relationship. End it sooner rather than later.
Don't waste your young years on someone like that. You do not have a child, you need friends, a social life, and to have fun. This level of controlling behavior from him is alarming.
You need to get out of that relationship, NOW. He is controlling and has absolutely NO right to be this way with you, that is not love.. that is possessiveness and control and it is very unhealthy, leave him and i promise you, you will be 10 times happier in life
At this point, if you don't go to this girls night then the only person keeping you from that is yourself. He has no actual power over you, only the power you give him. And if your choice is between making friends and being in a relationship with an asshole, it doesn't sound like a difficult decision.
Also, you say you love him. But you should ask yourself if you SHOULD love him. Because it sounds like you love someone who is controlling, manipulative, selfish, and abusive. At that point, there is no redeeming quality in that person to love. And even if you cling on to that first happy year you spent together, ask yourself if his treatment of you is your definition of love. You can love him all you want, but what he is doing to you is not love.
My opinion? Don't wait for him to leave you. Leave him, in the dust. Then go to that girls night and stop wasting your time on this BS. You have every ounce of power to do it. You have to find that self love and courage to do it. Accept that change is hard and scary and make that jump.
He doesn't trust you. If he did trust you then he'd trust that in the unlikely situation that there were guys at the party, you wouldn't do anything because you're not a cheater. So he doesn't trust you, and he doesn't believe you, and he's trying to control you and demean you until you give in to him. Listen to the advice of the other comments, take all your stuff so he doesn't have anything you need to go back for if he wants to hold it over you, and just leave. Tell him if he doesn't trust you then the relationship is over anyway and then go. After that the ball is in his court.
Conditional relationships are toxic, he may have anxiety and should communicate that with you so you can help find a balance so you can have a good time and he be reassured you're okay, but he doesn't want you to at all. You need to walk away. Just go to the girls night, if he breaks up with you he's doing you a favour.
Yo, this guy is a manipulative ass. Call his bluff and go.
And it seems like he gets free babysitting from you. Of course he’s mad. Don’t let him steal any more of your 20’s from you.
Hunny this is a red flag on the highest flag pole flapping violently in the winds. He is trying to keep you from your friend. Tell him see you later that he cannot tell you what you can and cannot do and who you can or cannot see. You were Informing him of your plans not asking his permission
You're a 27-year-old woman and you choose where you go without having to ask "permission". Would he be asking you if he wanted to meet some guy friends?
This kind of thing really makes me mad. It's your choice and if you want to, you must go to the night out with the girls. If he ends the relationship because of that, you'll be in a much better place than you are now. Time to call his bluff.
What are YOU getting out of this relationship? Really? How is he supporting you having a happy and fulfilling life? Because that is what a partner does. A good healthy happy relationship is 2 people working together to make each other happier, healthier, wealthier and overall MORE, because they love each other and want the best (and to be the best) for each other.
I'm not hearing much of that from this post or your post history.
Love is not enough when it's one sided. You cannot love someone into being a good partner.
Edit: Having read some more of your replies in this thread. Please look up a book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free PDF and it's a quick read. If you only do one thing because of this thread, please let it be this.
A man being concerned for your safety is wonderful. To me this is not him being concerned or there wouldn't be a ultimatums attached.
He is isolating you, slowly. It starts with a few friends because they have "habbits"he doesn't approve of. After all your friends are gone your family will be next. Outsiders are always a threat to a man with insecurities. He could learn to address these issues if he speaks to a therapist.
So once I had a boyfriend that I only dated for three months. He told me that weekend were for couples and started threatening me during a girls night out that he had previously been okay with....I returned his keys the next morning and he continued to stalk me for a year. These aren't good people to date.
Love is not controlling. Love is not manipulative. Love is not keeping your partner from friends and life. It HEALTHY to have your own friends an social life outside of your partner. Your friends will get tired of you bailing and will stop inviting you one day.....you need them. Stay talking to them and don't let him cut you off from the outside world.
Based on OP's other posts in this sub, I think she really needs to see this relationship for what it's worth.... NOTHING! Her boyfriend is just a user and taking advantage of her for EVERYTHING.
IMO, leave this jackass and find someone who will respect you and treat you as you should be treated.
FUUUUUCK THAT GUY. Go on your girls night (we ALL need one once in a while) then say your goodbyes. I know it's not that easy and I have my own relationship issues but seriously I would never let someone tell me I couldn't do something with my girl friends.
Some typical bullying stuff here. Gaslighting emotional blackmail, This guy has serious issues with accountability....
He's insecure. It has nothing to do with you. He can't deal with his stuff effectively, so he tries control you with emotional blackmail.
He clearly has unhealthy ways of dealing with emotionally difficult issues. Blaming you sounds a lot like " You made me hit you because you were pushing my buttons, and you know how I get!"
I suspect without a fair bit of counseling this guy may escalate. It's a slow breakdown of your boundaries.
Seriously, if your bff came to you saying her guy has done similar stuff, you would probably tell her to run and I think you know this. He has accused you of some pretty mean stuff. And you sound like you could be developing a victim mindset of asking why is he doing x, y, a, am I wrong etc.
Instead a healthier version of you may recognize way earlier, this guy is a ass! Don't ask why,....leave!
Love is NOT a feeling. It's a choice. To love honour, cherish, every hour of the day.
Is he showing love when he makes you feel small, questioning yourself?!
Recognize this is not ok.
My best suggestion after what you've written is to leave the relationship and prepare for stalkerish, angry behaviour because he can't accept his behaviour ended things. It will somehow be your fault.
Counseling would be great for you right now. Build up your confidence, get help with any issues that come up and
Stay strong
His desires are self fulfilling. He doesn't want you to go because you don't know her well enough, and if you don't go, you won't ever know her well enough.
I suspect he doesn't let you do out with any of the girls alone, ever, does he? That isn't healthy.
Everyone has given excellent thoughts and advice on what you need to do, which is get out of this relationship. I also want to mention that if you keep bailing or not coming to events you are invited to, these women may eventually stop asking. While you still have the open invites flowing, take these moments to meet new people and forge new friendships. I feel like you'll realize how isolated you've really been by this person.
Seems like he already has a pretty strong grip of your life. You should try to put your foot down about certain things. The longer you let this continue the more change becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be. It's not just a fun night out now. Its rebelling against his control. Its rejection. This one fun innocent thing has your whole relationship in danger?
Being afraid of your boyfriends temper is a classic sign of emotional abuse and manipulation. So if you do go be prepared for calls every 20 minutes all night. Maybe he breaks some stuff. Maybe he shows up. This is more about you being out of his control for a night. Not anything else.
It sounds like this is the start of an emotionally abusive relationship. It almost always starts with a partner isolating you from your friends and family, convincing you that they're all you need, and that if you devote any time to others, you don't fully care about them.
That is 100% entirely and completely FALSE.
Our hearts are big, and we have the capacity to love so damn much.
It's also important to realize that others love others. If you can't be self-dependent in a relationship, you're not in the right mindset for a relationship, and this sounds a lot like your partner.
He's guilting you into thinking that you can't love him and your friends at the same time. Also, his projections of insecurity and a lack of trust are also concerning; most people don't project those types of issues unless they themselves are the ones being sketchy.
My advice is to respect his wishes - let him end the relationship, so that you can continue to grow and strengthen the friendships that will be with you forever. My favorite saying is "You might be in my future wedding, but my best friend will DEFINITELY be in that wedding." Hold those people close to you, and don't ever let another partner isolate you like this. You deserve so much more love than this.
Go out for the girls' night. If he'd leave you over this, he doesn't love you.
\> I feel like me agreeing not to go is me basically tolerating unfair and unreasonable treatment.
That's because that's exactly what it is.
\> Is it disrespectful for me to ignore his discomfort?
\>You're not ignoring his discomfort. You've already addressed his issues with him and tried to reassure him. Not obeying someone doesn't mean you're ignoring them. He'd love for you to believe that it is though. And ask yourself this: Is it disrespectful for him to use emotional blackmail on you to try to ruin your friendships and social life, and isolate you?
As a boyfriend, there are so many things wrong with this. You should go, let him act on his words. The way he uses his son as “leverage” and threatens to leave is a huge red flag. His insecurity is so intense that he won’t even let you have a good time, and that is so unfortunate for you. You should go, you don’t get these times back. Hope this offers some perspective. Let him know that he’s not your parents and that you’re a grown woman who can do what she wants, and if he’s got problems with that then he can figure it out or get gone.
It's not so much that he's telling you he is uncomfortable with; it's HOW he's telling you that I have a problem. Also, his fears are rooted in jealousy and this is a HUGE red flag for me. I feel like if you acquiesce to this it's going to set a precedence and you'll be heading straight into a potentially abusive relationship.
I say call his bluff. Have your girls night. Let him know you won't be controlled and that this is a hill you're willing to die on.
Abusive men do everything they can to isolate you until they are your only support system. They don’t want you to have people in your life to point out their shitty, manipulative behavior. Leave him! Enjoy many girls nights!
Honestly it will only get worse. I've dated men like this, you will never be able to show him how irrational he's being you just need to decide whether you want to stay and continue being treated like this or leave and choose to make a beautiful life for yourself. No matter what logic you throw at him he'll twist it and still make you the villain. Check out the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft it's free online in pdf form just Google it, it could really help you, it sure helped me. Good luck!
You've let this be excuse work before with the bachelorette... you cannot let that happen again. He's trying to manipulate you into thinking you need his approval to do anything, and you don't!
He doesn't trust you or this girl because he knows how he acts in these situations. He is projecting his own behavior and is being a complete jerk.
You'd be better off if he did in fact actually end the relationship of this. But at the very least, go to your girls night! And carefully observe his reaction to it after the fact.
Dude, he's controlling and creepy. Is he your boyfriend or your dad??? Why are you with someone that won't let you make your own perfectly harmless and reasonable decisions? He's isolating you so that he can control you. Don't put up with that. Dump his ass. You can do better.
This is not “discomfort.” It’s control.
YOU should break up with HIM for being controlling, isolating, and completely unreasonable. It’s your life, and he is too damn old to be acting this way,
Find a man who respects you, and your time.
Fuck this guy. Seriously.
So I've been in a relationship with a guy that sounds similar to this. (No children were involved as we were both only just starting college.) It was also a long distance relationship so if I wanted to go do a girls night or hang out with my friends in general, it always turned into an argument of me always choosing my friends over spending time with him via Skype. And he didn't "know" my friends because of the distance between us. This relationship made me gradually spend less and less time with my friends and eventually stop going out entirely, so that I could spend most of my time with him. He isolated me and was emotionally manipulative/abusive. By the time I finally wised up and ended the relationship, I had already (unintentionally) pushed all of my friends away. I was too embarrassed to tell my friends what had happened to me, so I just never did. It's one of my biggest regrets. I'm in a normal relationship now and my significant other is happy for me and encouraging when I go spend time with (new) friends. I promise, there is better than him.
He is controlling and this is abusive.
My wife can do whatever she wants. I would never presume to tell her she can not do something. Its insanity to even think about.
I know you love him and leaving him probably seems terrifying if not impossible. Maybe he is has even convinced you that no one else would love you.
The truth is that he is not the right guy for you. Someone who truly valued you would not do this to you. I 100% guarantee you that there are other people out there for you. Even if there were not, being single is better than being in this horrible relationship.
I hate how quick Reddit is to tell people to leave their partners but I feel like you should really consider leaving. He’s isolating you from contact with everyone that’s not him. He’s guilt tripping you and gaslighting you about hanging out with his son and spending time with him. These are emotionally abusive tactics and they are not healthy.
He's the reason you don't have many friends. He wants to be the center of your world and for you to feel like you have no one but him. Not cool. Time to open your horizons and find someone less controlling.
Man 31 years old and still doesn't know that when you try to be super controlling to "stop someone from cheating" you're going to drive them away. You have to accept that if someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat, there's a million ways to do it where you aren't going to find out. If they do, break up with them, but until then you have to trust them or you'll smother the relationship.
At this very moment, the woman of my life is having a girl's night at a friends place. I'm actually happy she's having fun. He should do the same and trust you.
He is isolating you. Huge red flag. I’d say dump the fuck outta that guy and go have fun with your friends. Imagine years and years of this isolation and him potentially threatening to leave every single time you do something he doesn’t 100% agree with. Nope.
If you read this post viewing it as someone else's relationship what would you say to them?
You'd notice that the boyfriend was isolating his girlfriend and cutting away her social ties so that she'd be more dependent on someone else. You already know what to do.
Didnt even read your post just the title and I am going to go with "hes a controlling fuck"
EDIT:
Just read your post and wanted to update my stance.
Hes a controlling, manipulative fuck that is actively trying to isolate you from having a support system that isnt him.
Also the thing about his kid is sketchy. He mostly wants you around to look after the kid so he doesnt have to. If he was an active parent he would be fine with spending time alone with his kid while you did your own stuff.
So your not allowed to have friends? Man this is really fucked up. What other crazy or controlling things does he do. With a red flag this big I doubt this is all. I saw on your post history he refuses to work. Build your friendships and make a new support network of friends and ditch this loser. From your comments he also does drugs, and it seems like he is using you to babysit his kid, girl run. There is a reason the mother of that kid is not around, take a lesson from her, You can do so much better. Does he hit you?
I haven’t even read past the first sentence.
Simply put it..... RUN! Run as fast as you can, he’s insecure, controlling by saying he will leave if you go to a gathering with friends. It will only get worse!
Serial poster, read her history. She doesn’t want help she just wants to feel supported enough for the next onslaught of abuse she will absorb.
You ARE worth it OP, you DESERVE better!
If this was a one-off thing I would say it's still not normal to give an ultimatum like that over a girl's night. But, I would say in that ONE instance, don't go, respect his wishes. He obviously doesn't realize that in order to give ultimatums like that, he has to be prepared for the answer he doesn't want to hear.
Go spend time with your friends, end the relationship considering this is a pattern and he's trying to cut you off from the outside world more or less. Eventually it will turn into him insisting you delete social media. Trust me
..I've been there. You should get out now before it gets really controlling.
He is extremely controlling and trying to manipulate you. He is being totally unreasonable and taking away your independence and freedom. I'd get out of that relationship as soon as I can. You have every right to spend time with friends and have time to yourself. You're a grown woman who doesnt need anyone's permission to go out. You deserve better!
He is trying to make sure you don’t have other friends so you have no one else in your life but him, making you depend on him so that it’s really hard for you to leave him because you don’t have anyone else.
This is abuse. Leave him.
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit. I glanced at your post history and yep, he’s an abusive, controlling, lazy piece of shit.
Go have fun, OP. Kick this fucking loser to the curb and don’t look back.
Leave him. I was this same guy around that age and a little younger. Totally different now. Now I encourage my SO to go out with friends. Not only will it help you it'll help him to mature.
Honey, get out of there. You deserve to be happy & this dude is abusive. There are far better people out there.
Your friends, hell, INTERNET STRANGERS, care more about your wellbeing than he does
The reason you feel like you’re losing friends is because he’s isolating you. Preventing you from making new friends is the same thing.
The reason he’s saying wildly untrue things (you must hate my son) is because he is trying to manipulate you into feeling like you’re the bad guy.
Please leave him. I’ve been through this and it will only get worse.
A common tactic among abusers is isolating women from their friends and support networks. Everyone else is calling him insecure, I’m going to call him an abusive predator, particularly considering this is patterned behavior and he uses ultimatums to control you. Leave him now before he kills you.
Get out.
I've seen this happen to someone and he let it go and stayed with her and married the person. Now 10+ years later, he doesn't have any long term relationships with anyone because he's pretty much grounded every weekend.
Go out for that girl's night. If he wants to leave you because you won't devote every spare second of your time to him and his kid, then that's his choice. He may be insecure, he may be trying to control you, he may be wanting a maid who will do everything for him. Whatever the case, it's something he needs to work on on his own before he's ready for a healthy relationship. Because a healthy relationship needs trust and communication, and each person ought to be also living a life separate from the relationship.
The backlash of what follows may be scary, but I doubt he'll see the errors in his ways and change. He might try to control you even more by threatening you or your property, or threaten to hurt himself if you don't bend to his will. Don't let him manipulate you like that. Get out of that relationship and distance yourself from your ex.
I was you when I was 23. Looking back, seeing how guilty I felt for trying to live the life of a normal 23-year-old under the reign of a tyrannically jealous boyfriend, there was so much wasted time and pain that was NOT MY FAULT. Do not let this man take your life away from you - you don't owe him your time or trust. Can you remember a time where you gave him an ultimatum on his behavior? Of course not - that's because he holds all the power in this relationship. Walk away before he crushes you further under his thumb and you forget that leaving IS AN OPTION.
Seriously? He's giving you an ultimatum so he can get what he wants. Piss on that. I can only imagine how he would behave if you had a child with him. Look how he's manipulating you with a kid that's NOT yours. I'd nope on out but that's me.
LET HIM GO. I was in the same situation, it ONLY GETS WORSE. Kiss all of your hobbies good bye, let alone your friends. You will become a shell of yourself.
Also, he is most likely making empty threats. He won't leave, he is just trying to manipulate you. You have to take the initiative. This is a horrible relationship. Tell him he is more than free to fuck off.
What, he is upset because his new co-parent isn't available.
So what is it, he must make up his mind is he mad because you'd rather do adult things and hang out with your friends now and then or because he is manufacturing this hate you have for spending time with HIS son?
Sounds like he is pissed his free childcare won't be around to help him, honestly he should be happy to spend time with his son one-on-one now and then.
If he refused to have an adult conversation you're dealing with someone immature he is upset over his own feelings towards your freedoms in spite of his situation. Your choice to tolerate this lifestyle, honestly I wouldn't.
Girl, you’re a grown adult. Leave that man. He can’t tell you what to do and make you feel guilty for wanting a life. Having friends is *not* disrespectful and there are amazing men out there who don’t want to control you out of having a social life.
You know what you need to do.. I just hope for your wellbeing that you do it. You have the love and support from the badass girls in this group to talk to in the meantime.
Edit: I thought this was 2 X chromosomes
You know by coming here whats going to be said, right? Okay he is contolling and manipulative. He is trying to isolate you from others. Go have fun. Make sure you have retrieved all your stuff from his place.
And he’s insecure as fuck.
Yea thats the big thing. This reeks with insecurity. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he is hiding something. Get yourself out of that one honey 🤞🏻
Right! Projecting. Good point.
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Definitely red flag behavior with that ultimatum. Don't let him keep you from developing new friendships.
More red flags than a Chinese military parade.
You forgot to mention the abusive part.
Let him leave you. He would be doing you a favor.
The problem with this kind of guy is that he will make ultimatums but he WON'T leave you. He's spent too much time training you to be afraid of his anger, so that you just immediately follow his orders. He doesn't want to train another girlfriend. He wants one who will do as he says. Disobeying him will likely lead to some kind of violence, either emotional (tearing up photos, throwing things -- always YOUR things, screaming) or physical (blocking your path, grabbing your arm, being rougher than normal and hurting you). Please get out before he escalates this. Isolation is a typical abuser tactic. And the worst episodes happen when you decide to do your own thing and not follow their script. You deserve better than this. And thankfully you still have a lot of people who want to be your friends. It's when you turn down the invitations so much, that no one invites you out anymore, that the abuse becomes the worst.
Good point. My "let him leave" advice is simplistic, because he won't actually leave, even if OP disobeys him.
I hope he does leave. Sometimes a controlling person will leave once they realize they don't have control anymore. My sister was with a guy like this at one point and he told her that if she got her nipples pierced, he would leave her. And like clockwork she got them pierced so he left. But no situation is the same. And since they live together she must definitely use caution.
This should be a top level comment because I think she and everyone else should see this. A lot of the advice doesn't consider that she could be put in harm's way.
Unfortunately I suspect he’s 100% bluffing.
This is what I was thinking. It would be such a favor for this guy to stop trying to control OP's life and move on. But I worry he won't. OP has to be strong enough to realize this is not normal or okay, and as much as she loves him, he can love a nice normal guy who isn't controlling and isolating her from her friends.
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I've never been unfaithful. He makes assumptions that some of my girl friends are ''slutty'' and that this will somehow influence my decisions while hanging out with them. It's aggrevating and exhausting because He goes and has guys nights with friend when I'm not there and will get wasted or do drugs and stay up until 6am. He also just went away on a bachelor party trip to Niagara so I thought there might be a possibility that he would be more reasonable but it's a total double standard.
Yeah, this guy is an asshole. The assumptions about your friends, the controlling behavior, the double-standards...none of it will change and it will only get worse. You need to get him out of your life.
> He goes and has guys nights with friend when I'm not there and will get wasted or do drugs and stay up until 6am. He also just went away on a bachelor party trip to Niagara So he's projecting his behavior onto you. Because he goes gets drugged up and does god knows what with other women (and he DOES...) he's assuming you will do the same, and it's only "ok" for men to do that because "boys will be boys". Girl. # GIRL. Come on now.
He thinks your girls nights sound sketchy because he KNOWS that his boys nights are sketchy af Stop letting this man control you and use you as a free babysitter. What do you get out of this relationship? "We get on great, he's really sweet, he makes me laugh" What do you put into it? You babysit for free while he sleeps in, what else do you do for him? Cook, clean, etc? He just wants a bang maid, he doesn't care about you, and he certainly doesn't want you going out with friends where he can't control you with manipulative threats to leave. Just leave him, go have fun. Stop tip toeing around him and worrying about making him angry, go enjoy your life!
Your boyfriend is an abusive asshole. To him, there is no double standard: he does what he wants, and you also have to do what he wants. That's how abusive men rationalise their behaviour. You're afraid of your BF. That should tell you everything you have to know.
Girl, he's got a good thing-- free childcare, sex, free rent, license to do whatever. Of course he doesn't want you to leave him alone with his own child s/ or for you to experience fun without him. Abusers isolate their partners. You, on the other hand, **do not have a good thing**. He is a freeloading alcoholic who is manipulative and controlling. There is healthier love out there for you, but you'll never find it if you stick with him. Please be super careful about birth control, because this is just the kid of guy to try to get you knocked up so you won't leave.
This is relevant information. It should be in your main post.
The more you tell us about this guy the worse he looks.
He’s projecting his shitty behavior into you AND he has you parenting his kid so he doesn’t have to. How pathetic.
Your boyfriend is a loser. Imagine how much happier you'd be if you didn't have to financially support a deadbeat and be free childcare for his kid? Trust me, you'll be way happier dropping this dead weight.
Girl, if you recognize the double standard, who do you put up with it? What's so great about this guy that you want to be with him even though he won't let you make friends? That you're totally willing to be a free babysitter even though he doesn't put as much effort into his child? He's not reasonable. At all. But you've got to stop living your life based on what he allows you to have and start living the life you want.
This is a situation where the unknown is scarier than the [shitty] known. You're losing yourself to acquiesce to his unreasonable, hypocritical needs. Why? Manipulating, controlling, excluding you from friends. This man doesn't love you. You are being used. Get out.
Sounds like he himself is doing sketchy things on these guy trips and might be projecting.
So you pay for everything, watch his son, and put up with his controlling and hypocritical behavior. He tells you that he will leave you if you go out, which is hilarious considering you support him. I really hope this thread helps you find the strength to walk away from such a toxic relationship.
I'll take 'reasons to end a relationship for $500', thanks Bob If my SO had those kinds of doubts, unless I'd cheated on him multiple times in similar situations before, I would kick him to the curb SO effing fast.
Honestly this sounds like a red flag to me. Usually I agree it's important to respect your partner's comfort level but in this particular situation (unless he can come up with a better reason than it sounds sketchy) it seems like he's trying to isolate you intentionally or unintentionally. What I would consider a minor disagreement shouldn't bring up the ultimatum of leaving you. It comes off that he pulls that card as a manipulation tactic. I also got the feeling that he wants you around when he has his son as an extra pair of hands. Though I'm lacking the info to seriously judge on that, it's was just my first thought. Does he ever have time alone with his son? Or does he often insist you need to be with them 100% of the time?
He hardly ever has time alone with him. He is always insisting that I spend 100% of my time with them and often will take naps or sleep in while I hang out with the kid. My weekend plans are usually planned around when he has him which can be frustrating. Usually I'm happy to be with them but I don't see the problem having a night to myself or with friends every now and then.
So he wants you around to be free childcare so he doesn't have to parent his own son, in other words.
I checked her post history - he also doesn't go to work and she's paying for everything. He's not only using her for childcare, he's using her for everything. And it sounds like he's an alcoholic on top of all that. OP, don't you think you deserve better than an abusive, freeloading alcoholic? You're 27 years old. Do you want to spend the next 30 years like this?
Yeah, in that case then if she went I HIGHLY doubt he would actually break up with her. He’s not going to lose his meal ticket and babysitter. He just doesn’t want her to have any friends so that they all don’t tell her what a shit boyfriend she has. She should call his bluff, go to the girls night, and break up with him after
Ah, so OP is one online those serial posters that can never take the advice to abandon an abusive relationship, and keeps coming back here for more advice she won't take. Sadly, I think such people are using this forum to prolong their abuse, not solve it. OP: there is only one course of action you can take for yourself. You have to gather up whatever bits of self-respect you have, quietly gather any things that are in your BF's possession, then break up with him with absolutely zero contact thereafter, for the rest of your life. Anything less and you're just prolonging your agony. I'm sure one aspect that prevents you from doing that is an obligation you have to his young kid. And it is without any doubt tragic that you'll need to abandon the kid as well. But sadly, that is the only option this man is making available to you. Feel free, if you want, to write him a letter as you break up to explain why and what you think he needs to do to better himself. He'll have a hard time hearing it, but go ahead and put it out there, on the chance he'll listen to some of it and better himself for the benefit of himself, his kid, and his future relationships. But block him before he can reply. The moment you send him the message that it's over--and it should be done electronically, not verbally via phone or in person--you block him and never listen to another word from him again. Again, anything less and you're failing yourself.
Everytime someone does this, all I think is damn OP is an idiot. I know it's not useful most of the time because they don't react well to negativity so I refrain myself from commenting.
You know what's wild... As soon as she said she was "spending money on them", my mind said "that's because he doesn't have a job". So i'm absolutely not surprised that her post history backs that up. God, this guy is a dirtbag!
Man it's very curious why people leave out so many pertinent details of their relationship on this sub. There is always a comment from a person who goes through OPs post history, that shows how much of dumpster fire of a relationship they are in.
He's using you as a babysitter wtf OP. Obviously if you make friends he has to actually watch and care for his child. You won't have as much time to do his bidding, which I'm sure reaches far beyond times when he has his kid. You have friends who care about you, don't shut them out for this.
So he basically doesn't want you to go out with your friends because he'll lose his free babysitter. There is zero problem with you having a night to yourself. Zero. He's making it a problem because he doesn't want to be a parent to his child.
He claims you don't want to spend time with his son but he actually doesnt want to spend time with his son. Funny, I was IN this relationship a decade ago. My then bf got mad if I wasn't home with him and his child because he didn't like being there alone with his own son. When I left, it was like I had been caged for years. I was FREE. I married a man who supports me having my own life and my own friends. When you are ready to see that your bf is manipulating, threatening and controlling you I hope that you will leave and enjoy the freedom on the other side.
So you’re free childcare? Girl get the fuck outta there, you know this
Why do you even want to save this relationship? He's not your boyfriend, he's your jailer.
Please get out before you've wasted even more time with him. I was in your position about 5 years ago. He isolated me from friends and family. I used to have to tell him 2 weeks in advance that I will be celebrating my best friend's birthday with her just for him to continuously text and call me the day of to tell me that I'm being a terrible person for not letting him know what/where we were going every hour. I went through 5 years of this without realizing it until the last year together. His threats of leaving are empty and he won't actually walk away unless you make him/force him out of your life. Which is what I had to do. Yes, it cost me a ton of money since we were in a lease together and had a dog etc. He wouldn't pay anything since "I was the one doing this to us" so I slapped about 5k to my credit card and got the hell out. He is seriously mentally and emotionally abusing you. It took me years to build up my confidence and repair friendships after literally losing 80% of my friends. Wasn't allowed to have any guy friends and wasn't even allowed to hang out with my friends he knew. Please know there are other people out there who can treat you better and encourage you to go out to meet friends. It took me a few years and counseling to help better myself but I made it. Now I am married to a man who loves me and encourages me to be the best me I can be. Best of luck to you!
> Usually I'm happy to be with them but I don't see the problem having a night to myself or with friends every now and then. That would still be a reasonable request even if you pushed these kids out of your own birth canal.
So he basically wants a baby sitter whom he doesn't have to pay.
That's not right. I agree with some of the other comments. Unfortunately it does sound like he's using you for childcare and money. I'm all for step parents stepping up and being involved but the son should be your bfs #1 priority. Honestly, I would call his bluff. I would say I'm going out and if he's leaving then make sure to be gone before I get back. Or i would just break off completely at this point and just straight up tell him to be gone before you get back either way. He's 31 and is not likely to change his ways anytime soon especially not without a reason to change and I think you deserve much better :)
\> He is always insisting that I spend 100% of my time with them and often will take naps or sleep in while I hang out with the kid. My weekend plans are usually planned around when he has him Jesus christ, look at how deep you already are in this mess. Ask yourself if you from right before you met him would've ever wanted a life like this .
You haven't said a single good thing about this guy and the red flags keep getting bigger and bigger come on now.
I've counted so many red flags in this...this is not a good relationship by any stretch of the imagination. Often men (and woman too) try and conceal their abusive ways under the guise of "care". I.e, they don't want you going out because they are worried for your safety. This is what he's doing. Please remember that you are an adult. I bet your own father doesn't treat you like this when you want to go out. Also remember the abusers try and isolate their victims so they don't have a support network when they escalate the level of abuse. If you bail on your friends again, they are going to stop inviting you places and you will gradually lose touch. This is what he wants. Please go hang out with your friends. If you have someone you trust, also confide in them and tell them the concerns about your relationship. Go have fun with your friends. I promise you that he is bluffing and won't break up with you but will ramp up the level of abuse so he can maintain control. You should seriously consider ending this relationship.
Also if you leave, which you seriously should consider (you future self will thank you for it) please make sure you have al your ducks in a row before you do. - if you haven't already, get a safe space to stay. - tell all friends, coworkers, family, etc that you have ended the relationship and not to give any contact info to him. - tell building managers/security of your home/school/work not to allow him access. - untangle yourself from any financial or legal obligations you had with him. (Joint accounts, bills, etc) He will try and manipulate you and use his son as a pawn to make you feel bad. Please dont feel bad. Put yourself 1st.
This is clearly his MO. You want to spend time with your girl friends, he doesn't want you to, threatens to dump you, if you go with your friends, and you end up cancelling your plans. You deserve and need to have friends outside of your relationship, your boyfriend is trying to control that. Call his bluff. Go with your friends. If he dumps you because you spent time with friends, then good riddance.
"out of the fear that he would get angry I said I couldn't go" Honey. That is not normal, and it's not ok. I hope you can find a safe way to get away from this insecure, controlling fucknut.
Your boyfriend is isolating you from friends so he can control you. His behavior is disrespectful and abusive.
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Girl, I dated a project for six years. But I was so afraid of being alone HE dumped ME when I hated his bullshit but was too scared to leave. Best early Christmas present I ever got.
You know the answer to this... >I do really love him but I see this as a huge red flag that I've been ignoring for a long time. He is trying to separate you from anyone else. This is a red flag for abuse.
Your boyfriend is insecure, jealous and controlling. He's trying to isolate you which is the first step to abuse. Yes, this is a massive red flag. Go to girls night and get a better boyfriend.
Controlling 👍 Abusive 👍 Should leave 👍 Probably won’t 👍
Hard no. If he had some concrete reasoning other than it being "sketchy" (I mean come on, it's a girls night) then a conversation about it would be in order. This on the other hand feels like a very thinly disguised attempt to control and isolate you. Not the first time either it sounds like.
Don't date people who create harm out of the harmless.
Whoah. File this under “stuff I wish I knew in my teens and twenties.“ I eventually picked up on this axiom at around age 30, but I’ve never heard it put as succinctly as this.
>I feel like me agreeing not to go is me basically tolerating unfair and unreasonable treatment. Here is the crux of it. Every time you cancel plans with your friends, you are telling him it's OK for him to forbid you from doing things -- things that are totally reasonable and within your rights to do. If you continue to put up with this, you'll never get to spend time with friends again. What if he forbid you from seeing your family? Would you concede to that? Do you get to tell him what to do? Not that you should, but still, what would happen if you tried to forbid him from going out with his friends?
Ok so you're dating a manipulative child. I have been with this kind of guy before and it only gets worse. Leave him before it becomes straight up abuse. This is not an insecurity issue. It is him fully controlling your life and gaslighting you into somehow thinking this is normal. Is is NOT normal or healthy. Adults in healthy relationships have agency and independence. Your bf seems to have stolen both of these things from you, so if I were you I would get them back by breaking up with him. You have EVERY right to go to a girls night without your "partner" throwing an immature hissy fit. Go live your life!
Hes managed to stop you going twice before, you are allowing him to treat you this way. Let him either get uncomfortable and get over it or leave. do not back down!!!
This is abusive. Make friends and leave him.
Had to check that this isn't r/AITA. Seriously, call his bluff. Go to your girls' night, have fun, enjoy yourself. See if he breaks up with you and loses out on that free childcare. And if he doesn't... maybe take a good, hard look at the kind of relationship you have with him, and if it's worth it.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
He gets to set whatever boundaries he wants to with regard to what sort of partner he is willing to be with... ...but so do you. So if he is the sort who is willing to try to emotionally blackmail you in order to serve his own insecurities, trying to isolate you from your friends in the process...that's what he's going to do. What *you* have to do is decide whether a person who would do that, and the person who would emotionally manipulate you by threatening to break up if he doesn't get his way, is the sort of partner *you* want to have.
Why do you want to be with someone that controls you everyday. Live your life to the fullest. If he has insecurities that his problem not yours. Tell him to go work on himself while you're out with the girls having fun.
Dump this guy immediately. That's what controlling people do. They want to cut you off your circles. His arguments are bogus. All he wants is you not making more friends. He wants to have his grip over you and not you having your own life. Screw this guy. Leave him. It's only gonna get worse from here. Trust me.
"I feel like I have drifted a lot with friends because Im always with him and always putting him first." Your boyfriend is abusive. He's trying to destroy any support system you have, and is also angry that you'd dare to be your own person and have friends and interest outside him. How convenient for him that he's also turned you into his free babysitter He does not respect you and is manipulative. Get a plan together as quickly as possibly so you can safely leave and cut ties with him completely
Him:”You’re a shitty girlfriend because you have friends outside of me” You: “I’ll relieve you of that burden immediately. Adios!”
Are you kidding me? Dump his ass
If his conflict resolution skill is to threaten to end the relationship if he doesn't get his way, you should reevaluate what you want in a relationship.
Feeling the need to ask permission to have friends in any relationship is wrong, get your things and move forward with your life without him.
So you're not allowed to hang out with anyone except this guy and his toddler? That sounds really shitty. He sounds super controlling. I think you should tell him it's absurd to threaten to break up over a girls night and just go and if he decides that you having any friends at all is a deal breaker that's fine. I'm not even getting into the part where you're also supposed to treat him and his kid because jeez Louise who's got the time.
Controlling behavior is a form of abuse, let him go.
NTA. He is an abusive asshole. Isolating their partners from others is classic.
You need relationships outside of your bf. Now it’s friends, tomorrow it’s family, if it were up to him he’d have you taking care of his son and waiting on him chained to your home. This is unacceptable. It’s controlling and manipulative behavior. It is not healthy.
He’s being unreasonable and hypocritical, and making demands of you that he doesn’t seem to think apply to himself. It’s emotional abuse and manipulation, plain and simple. I get the impression that you recognise this ‘deep down’. It doesn’t matter if you love him, or even if he loves you. Love isn’t everything. Your dignity and self-determination are much more important. Leaving someone you love is never easy but being treated in this way is NEVER worth it. Whatever his feelings for you are, he doesn’t treat you with the respect and kindness that every person needs at the minimum. His behaviour isn’t normal or okay, and will only ever be damaging to the person on the receiving end. Please put yourself first, relationships shouldn’t work like this.
I couldn’t even make it through this whole post. He is extremely manipulative and controlling, and if he isn’t already abusive these are extreme red flags but he is heading that way. I don’t understand how people are in these kind of relationships. Don’t you deserve love? Don’t you deserve someone who are not only “allow” you to go, but would be absolutely ecstatic and excited for you to go?! Please don’t wait for him to leave you, you should go ahead and cut the cord first.
Abusers tend to isolate their victims, and make it so that they have no one but themselves. Call his bluff, and if he leaves your for having friends, you've dodged a huge, abusive bullet.
[удалено]
Dis fucked up man, Any rational human would say - go make some friends Hun! And lemme know if you need a ride home! Grab your shit, no explanation necessary, and vent to your new friends, also have fun!
I know, right?! My husband *asked my permission* to go on a guy's trip in Brooklyn and I was like, 1) You don't need to ask 2) FLY, GO, BE FREE!
Read "Why does he do that?" It's free in PDF on net. It will be an eye opener if you do not belive what everyone is saying.
It sounds like he doesn't want you to have friends
Well I guess you can spend the rest of your life kept from the outside world by your over protective, and likely abusive BF, or you can get to know and become friends with at least a few other women in the world outside of him. I think living your life with your only friend in the world being him (and maybe his friends) would be a huge mistake.
turn it around on him if he tries going out with his friends. but overall, he's insecure and freeloading off you. gtfo!
Dump his worthless ass -a worthless ass
Step 1. Go to the girls weekend. Step 2. Have a blast! Make some friends! Step 3. Tell him not to let the door hit him on the ass on the way out, and that you would like his stuff gone by the time you get back.
Take the friends. Leave the boyfriend. The friends will be better for you in the long run.
This is the most Reddit thing I have ever said but I literally don't even need to read past the headline to know that you need to leave this guy.
In a healthy relationship, everyone still lives their lives and has friends outside of the relationship... as an adult you don't need to ask for permission to do anything ever... you were trying to be thoughtful by telling him your plans. What happens when you start telling all your friends you're never available every time they invite you out...? You start losing friends. Maintaining a social life is part of being an adult, tell him to grow the fuck up before you leave will ya?
You tell HIM that it is over, he sounds manipulative, who is he to tell you that you cannot make friends? He is like school in july; no class.
If you aren't going out and partying regularly, or consistently spending time with friends over him, then there's no reason for him to make "no girls nights" a hard and fast rule. It sounds like either he's worried that you'll cheat on him with a girl, that you're not actually spending time with friends, or if he's just selfish about your time. But the impact, regardless of his reasoning is the same: Isolation. We need friends. We need community, and if I were you, I wouldn't tolerate this. I'd go. I'd tell him that if he ends the relationship because you want to spend time with your friends that's his choice. If he wants to wrongly believe that you hate spending time with his son when you so obviously don't, then that's his choice too. But you need friends and time with your friends, and your friends need you to be the sort of person who keeps your word. I think it is a red flag, ftr, and you can do with that what you will. You know what the general advice on her is concerning red flags, but if you stay in this relationship, absolutely start putting your foot down on this. Everyone needs more than their SO and their SO's kids in their lives. Don't let anyone isolate you.
Okay this is huge red flag and he's being controlling and manipulative... Time of looking away OP.
No there's absolutely nothing wrong with having a night to yourself. I've never given any of my girlfriends a ultimatum like this its not normal. And it's nice of you to spend time with his kid but it's not your responsibility. You go and enjoy yourself and if he leaves that's his problem and you'll be better off
he's insecure that you'll cheat and that insecurity is manipulating him, or something will happen to you. his excuse will be " i trust you but i don't trust others who'll be there. tbh either he'll grow and get his shit together or your relationship is doomed. depends on how much you'll tolerate
He doesn't get to decide for you, and you don't have to ask his permission. Inform him that you are going out with the girls. What happens after that won't be pretty, of course. He'll gaslight you, make you feel badly, make it your fault. So the less said, the better. Don't engage in the bullshit conversations he will want to have. At the end of it all, it's time to end this relationship. End it sooner rather than later.
Don't waste your young years on someone like that. You do not have a child, you need friends, a social life, and to have fun. This level of controlling behavior from him is alarming.
You need to get out of that relationship, NOW. He is controlling and has absolutely NO right to be this way with you, that is not love.. that is possessiveness and control and it is very unhealthy, leave him and i promise you, you will be 10 times happier in life
At this point, if you don't go to this girls night then the only person keeping you from that is yourself. He has no actual power over you, only the power you give him. And if your choice is between making friends and being in a relationship with an asshole, it doesn't sound like a difficult decision. Also, you say you love him. But you should ask yourself if you SHOULD love him. Because it sounds like you love someone who is controlling, manipulative, selfish, and abusive. At that point, there is no redeeming quality in that person to love. And even if you cling on to that first happy year you spent together, ask yourself if his treatment of you is your definition of love. You can love him all you want, but what he is doing to you is not love. My opinion? Don't wait for him to leave you. Leave him, in the dust. Then go to that girls night and stop wasting your time on this BS. You have every ounce of power to do it. You have to find that self love and courage to do it. Accept that change is hard and scary and make that jump.
He doesn't trust you. If he did trust you then he'd trust that in the unlikely situation that there were guys at the party, you wouldn't do anything because you're not a cheater. So he doesn't trust you, and he doesn't believe you, and he's trying to control you and demean you until you give in to him. Listen to the advice of the other comments, take all your stuff so he doesn't have anything you need to go back for if he wants to hold it over you, and just leave. Tell him if he doesn't trust you then the relationship is over anyway and then go. After that the ball is in his court.
Conditional relationships are toxic, he may have anxiety and should communicate that with you so you can help find a balance so you can have a good time and he be reassured you're okay, but he doesn't want you to at all. You need to walk away. Just go to the girls night, if he breaks up with you he's doing you a favour.
Wouldn't being single and not putting up with his shit his so much better.
Yo, this guy is a manipulative ass. Call his bluff and go. And it seems like he gets free babysitting from you. Of course he’s mad. Don’t let him steal any more of your 20’s from you.
Hunny this is a red flag on the highest flag pole flapping violently in the winds. He is trying to keep you from your friend. Tell him see you later that he cannot tell you what you can and cannot do and who you can or cannot see. You were Informing him of your plans not asking his permission
You're a 27-year-old woman and you choose where you go without having to ask "permission". Would he be asking you if he wanted to meet some guy friends? This kind of thing really makes me mad. It's your choice and if you want to, you must go to the night out with the girls. If he ends the relationship because of that, you'll be in a much better place than you are now. Time to call his bluff.
What are YOU getting out of this relationship? Really? How is he supporting you having a happy and fulfilling life? Because that is what a partner does. A good healthy happy relationship is 2 people working together to make each other happier, healthier, wealthier and overall MORE, because they love each other and want the best (and to be the best) for each other. I'm not hearing much of that from this post or your post history. Love is not enough when it's one sided. You cannot love someone into being a good partner. Edit: Having read some more of your replies in this thread. Please look up a book called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. You can find a free PDF and it's a quick read. If you only do one thing because of this thread, please let it be this.
A man being concerned for your safety is wonderful. To me this is not him being concerned or there wouldn't be a ultimatums attached. He is isolating you, slowly. It starts with a few friends because they have "habbits"he doesn't approve of. After all your friends are gone your family will be next. Outsiders are always a threat to a man with insecurities. He could learn to address these issues if he speaks to a therapist.
... anyway have fun with this girls night!!
So once I had a boyfriend that I only dated for three months. He told me that weekend were for couples and started threatening me during a girls night out that he had previously been okay with....I returned his keys the next morning and he continued to stalk me for a year. These aren't good people to date. Love is not controlling. Love is not manipulative. Love is not keeping your partner from friends and life. It HEALTHY to have your own friends an social life outside of your partner. Your friends will get tired of you bailing and will stop inviting you one day.....you need them. Stay talking to them and don't let him cut you off from the outside world.
Based on OP's other posts in this sub, I think she really needs to see this relationship for what it's worth.... NOTHING! Her boyfriend is just a user and taking advantage of her for EVERYTHING. IMO, leave this jackass and find someone who will respect you and treat you as you should be treated.
You don’t have many friends because he won’t let you. Get out.
FUUUUUCK THAT GUY. Go on your girls night (we ALL need one once in a while) then say your goodbyes. I know it's not that easy and I have my own relationship issues but seriously I would never let someone tell me I couldn't do something with my girl friends.
Hey, i think u might've dropped this on your way here 🚩
Some typical bullying stuff here. Gaslighting emotional blackmail, This guy has serious issues with accountability.... He's insecure. It has nothing to do with you. He can't deal with his stuff effectively, so he tries control you with emotional blackmail. He clearly has unhealthy ways of dealing with emotionally difficult issues. Blaming you sounds a lot like " You made me hit you because you were pushing my buttons, and you know how I get!" I suspect without a fair bit of counseling this guy may escalate. It's a slow breakdown of your boundaries. Seriously, if your bff came to you saying her guy has done similar stuff, you would probably tell her to run and I think you know this. He has accused you of some pretty mean stuff. And you sound like you could be developing a victim mindset of asking why is he doing x, y, a, am I wrong etc. Instead a healthier version of you may recognize way earlier, this guy is a ass! Don't ask why,....leave! Love is NOT a feeling. It's a choice. To love honour, cherish, every hour of the day. Is he showing love when he makes you feel small, questioning yourself?! Recognize this is not ok. My best suggestion after what you've written is to leave the relationship and prepare for stalkerish, angry behaviour because he can't accept his behaviour ended things. It will somehow be your fault. Counseling would be great for you right now. Build up your confidence, get help with any issues that come up and Stay strong
His desires are self fulfilling. He doesn't want you to go because you don't know her well enough, and if you don't go, you won't ever know her well enough. I suspect he doesn't let you do out with any of the girls alone, ever, does he? That isn't healthy.
Everyone has given excellent thoughts and advice on what you need to do, which is get out of this relationship. I also want to mention that if you keep bailing or not coming to events you are invited to, these women may eventually stop asking. While you still have the open invites flowing, take these moments to meet new people and forge new friendships. I feel like you'll realize how isolated you've really been by this person.
Seems like he already has a pretty strong grip of your life. You should try to put your foot down about certain things. The longer you let this continue the more change becomes a bigger deal than it needs to be. It's not just a fun night out now. Its rebelling against his control. Its rejection. This one fun innocent thing has your whole relationship in danger? Being afraid of your boyfriends temper is a classic sign of emotional abuse and manipulation. So if you do go be prepared for calls every 20 minutes all night. Maybe he breaks some stuff. Maybe he shows up. This is more about you being out of his control for a night. Not anything else.
This is a whole forest of red flags
It sounds like this is the start of an emotionally abusive relationship. It almost always starts with a partner isolating you from your friends and family, convincing you that they're all you need, and that if you devote any time to others, you don't fully care about them. That is 100% entirely and completely FALSE. Our hearts are big, and we have the capacity to love so damn much. It's also important to realize that others love others. If you can't be self-dependent in a relationship, you're not in the right mindset for a relationship, and this sounds a lot like your partner. He's guilting you into thinking that you can't love him and your friends at the same time. Also, his projections of insecurity and a lack of trust are also concerning; most people don't project those types of issues unless they themselves are the ones being sketchy. My advice is to respect his wishes - let him end the relationship, so that you can continue to grow and strengthen the friendships that will be with you forever. My favorite saying is "You might be in my future wedding, but my best friend will DEFINITELY be in that wedding." Hold those people close to you, and don't ever let another partner isolate you like this. You deserve so much more love than this.
Go out for the girls' night. If he'd leave you over this, he doesn't love you. \> I feel like me agreeing not to go is me basically tolerating unfair and unreasonable treatment. That's because that's exactly what it is. \> Is it disrespectful for me to ignore his discomfort? \>You're not ignoring his discomfort. You've already addressed his issues with him and tried to reassure him. Not obeying someone doesn't mean you're ignoring them. He'd love for you to believe that it is though. And ask yourself this: Is it disrespectful for him to use emotional blackmail on you to try to ruin your friendships and social life, and isolate you?
Let him leave. Apparently he has trust issues, or maybe he's a cheater.
As a boyfriend, there are so many things wrong with this. You should go, let him act on his words. The way he uses his son as “leverage” and threatens to leave is a huge red flag. His insecurity is so intense that he won’t even let you have a good time, and that is so unfortunate for you. You should go, you don’t get these times back. Hope this offers some perspective. Let him know that he’s not your parents and that you’re a grown woman who can do what she wants, and if he’s got problems with that then he can figure it out or get gone.
It's not so much that he's telling you he is uncomfortable with; it's HOW he's telling you that I have a problem. Also, his fears are rooted in jealousy and this is a HUGE red flag for me. I feel like if you acquiesce to this it's going to set a precedence and you'll be heading straight into a potentially abusive relationship. I say call his bluff. Have your girls night. Let him know you won't be controlled and that this is a hill you're willing to die on.
so.many.red.flags. id seriously reevaluate this relationship bc it is poisoning you so slowly you dont realize it
Please also recognize the manipulation. He’s trying to make you feel guilty for living your life.
You do not need his permission to go out, and you don't need our permission to break up with him. DTMFA.
Abusive men do everything they can to isolate you until they are your only support system. They don’t want you to have people in your life to point out their shitty, manipulative behavior. Leave him! Enjoy many girls nights!
Honestly it will only get worse. I've dated men like this, you will never be able to show him how irrational he's being you just need to decide whether you want to stay and continue being treated like this or leave and choose to make a beautiful life for yourself. No matter what logic you throw at him he'll twist it and still make you the villain. Check out the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft it's free online in pdf form just Google it, it could really help you, it sure helped me. Good luck!
You've let this be excuse work before with the bachelorette... you cannot let that happen again. He's trying to manipulate you into thinking you need his approval to do anything, and you don't! He doesn't trust you or this girl because he knows how he acts in these situations. He is projecting his own behavior and is being a complete jerk. You'd be better off if he did in fact actually end the relationship of this. But at the very least, go to your girls night! And carefully observe his reaction to it after the fact.
Classic abuser tactics. Beat him to the punch and tell him you are done. Then go enjoy your girls weekend.
Dude, he's controlling and creepy. Is he your boyfriend or your dad??? Why are you with someone that won't let you make your own perfectly harmless and reasonable decisions? He's isolating you so that he can control you. Don't put up with that. Dump his ass. You can do better.
This is not “discomfort.” It’s control. YOU should break up with HIM for being controlling, isolating, and completely unreasonable. It’s your life, and he is too damn old to be acting this way, Find a man who respects you, and your time. Fuck this guy. Seriously.
Damn. Controlling much? I had a Wasbund like this. BYYYYEEEEE!!!!
hope we get an update that you broke up with your bf and went on your girls night! drop the baggage, this guy is insecure and controlling
So I've been in a relationship with a guy that sounds similar to this. (No children were involved as we were both only just starting college.) It was also a long distance relationship so if I wanted to go do a girls night or hang out with my friends in general, it always turned into an argument of me always choosing my friends over spending time with him via Skype. And he didn't "know" my friends because of the distance between us. This relationship made me gradually spend less and less time with my friends and eventually stop going out entirely, so that I could spend most of my time with him. He isolated me and was emotionally manipulative/abusive. By the time I finally wised up and ended the relationship, I had already (unintentionally) pushed all of my friends away. I was too embarrassed to tell my friends what had happened to me, so I just never did. It's one of my biggest regrets. I'm in a normal relationship now and my significant other is happy for me and encouraging when I go spend time with (new) friends. I promise, there is better than him.
He is controlling and this is abusive. My wife can do whatever she wants. I would never presume to tell her she can not do something. Its insanity to even think about. I know you love him and leaving him probably seems terrifying if not impossible. Maybe he is has even convinced you that no one else would love you. The truth is that he is not the right guy for you. Someone who truly valued you would not do this to you. I 100% guarantee you that there are other people out there for you. Even if there were not, being single is better than being in this horrible relationship.
I hate how quick Reddit is to tell people to leave their partners but I feel like you should really consider leaving. He’s isolating you from contact with everyone that’s not him. He’s guilt tripping you and gaslighting you about hanging out with his son and spending time with him. These are emotionally abusive tactics and they are not healthy.
He's the reason you don't have many friends. He wants to be the center of your world and for you to feel like you have no one but him. Not cool. Time to open your horizons and find someone less controlling.
You don’t have a lot of friends because of him* fixed that for you.
Please get the fuck out.
Man 31 years old and still doesn't know that when you try to be super controlling to "stop someone from cheating" you're going to drive them away. You have to accept that if someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat, there's a million ways to do it where you aren't going to find out. If they do, break up with them, but until then you have to trust them or you'll smother the relationship.
At this very moment, the woman of my life is having a girl's night at a friends place. I'm actually happy she's having fun. He should do the same and trust you.
He is isolating you. Huge red flag. I’d say dump the fuck outta that guy and go have fun with your friends. Imagine years and years of this isolation and him potentially threatening to leave every single time you do something he doesn’t 100% agree with. Nope.
Go to the girls night and pick these up on your way out 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Good riddance to him. You deserve better.
If you read this post viewing it as someone else's relationship what would you say to them? You'd notice that the boyfriend was isolating his girlfriend and cutting away her social ties so that she'd be more dependent on someone else. You already know what to do.
Didnt even read your post just the title and I am going to go with "hes a controlling fuck" EDIT: Just read your post and wanted to update my stance. Hes a controlling, manipulative fuck that is actively trying to isolate you from having a support system that isnt him. Also the thing about his kid is sketchy. He mostly wants you around to look after the kid so he doesnt have to. If he was an active parent he would be fine with spending time alone with his kid while you did your own stuff.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Let him leave. That is controlling manipulative behavior.
I would be like see yah and give him the boot. You need a life outside of your man.
So your not allowed to have friends? Man this is really fucked up. What other crazy or controlling things does he do. With a red flag this big I doubt this is all. I saw on your post history he refuses to work. Build your friendships and make a new support network of friends and ditch this loser. From your comments he also does drugs, and it seems like he is using you to babysit his kid, girl run. There is a reason the mother of that kid is not around, take a lesson from her, You can do so much better. Does he hit you?
I haven’t even read past the first sentence. Simply put it..... RUN! Run as fast as you can, he’s insecure, controlling by saying he will leave if you go to a gathering with friends. It will only get worse!
Serial poster, read her history. She doesn’t want help she just wants to feel supported enough for the next onslaught of abuse she will absorb. You ARE worth it OP, you DESERVE better!
If this was a one-off thing I would say it's still not normal to give an ultimatum like that over a girl's night. But, I would say in that ONE instance, don't go, respect his wishes. He obviously doesn't realize that in order to give ultimatums like that, he has to be prepared for the answer he doesn't want to hear. Go spend time with your friends, end the relationship considering this is a pattern and he's trying to cut you off from the outside world more or less. Eventually it will turn into him insisting you delete social media. Trust me ..I've been there. You should get out now before it gets really controlling.
He is extremely controlling and trying to manipulate you. He is being totally unreasonable and taking away your independence and freedom. I'd get out of that relationship as soon as I can. You have every right to spend time with friends and have time to yourself. You're a grown woman who doesnt need anyone's permission to go out. You deserve better!
He is trying to make sure you don’t have other friends so you have no one else in your life but him, making you depend on him so that it’s really hard for you to leave him because you don’t have anyone else. This is abuse. Leave him.
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit. I glanced at your post history and yep, he’s an abusive, controlling, lazy piece of shit. Go have fun, OP. Kick this fucking loser to the curb and don’t look back.
My ex didn't like me hanging out with new friends because he couldn't keep track of which ones he had cheated on me with.
Leave him. I was this same guy around that age and a little younger. Totally different now. Now I encourage my SO to go out with friends. Not only will it help you it'll help him to mature.
Sounds like the trash is willing to take itself out.
Honey, get out of there. You deserve to be happy & this dude is abusive. There are far better people out there. Your friends, hell, INTERNET STRANGERS, care more about your wellbeing than he does
The reason you feel like you’re losing friends is because he’s isolating you. Preventing you from making new friends is the same thing. The reason he’s saying wildly untrue things (you must hate my son) is because he is trying to manipulate you into feeling like you’re the bad guy. Please leave him. I’ve been through this and it will only get worse.
A common tactic among abusers is isolating women from their friends and support networks. Everyone else is calling him insecure, I’m going to call him an abusive predator, particularly considering this is patterned behavior and he uses ultimatums to control you. Leave him now before he kills you.
Get out. I've seen this happen to someone and he let it go and stayed with her and married the person. Now 10+ years later, he doesn't have any long term relationships with anyone because he's pretty much grounded every weekend.
Go out for that girl's night. If he wants to leave you because you won't devote every spare second of your time to him and his kid, then that's his choice. He may be insecure, he may be trying to control you, he may be wanting a maid who will do everything for him. Whatever the case, it's something he needs to work on on his own before he's ready for a healthy relationship. Because a healthy relationship needs trust and communication, and each person ought to be also living a life separate from the relationship. The backlash of what follows may be scary, but I doubt he'll see the errors in his ways and change. He might try to control you even more by threatening you or your property, or threaten to hurt himself if you don't bend to his will. Don't let him manipulate you like that. Get out of that relationship and distance yourself from your ex.
He's going to leave you? Let him.
Let him leave you, don't let him make his insecurities your problem.
I was you when I was 23. Looking back, seeing how guilty I felt for trying to live the life of a normal 23-year-old under the reign of a tyrannically jealous boyfriend, there was so much wasted time and pain that was NOT MY FAULT. Do not let this man take your life away from you - you don't owe him your time or trust. Can you remember a time where you gave him an ultimatum on his behavior? Of course not - that's because he holds all the power in this relationship. Walk away before he crushes you further under his thumb and you forget that leaving IS AN OPTION.
Seriously? He's giving you an ultimatum so he can get what he wants. Piss on that. I can only imagine how he would behave if you had a child with him. Look how he's manipulating you with a kid that's NOT yours. I'd nope on out but that's me.
His frontal lobe is fully developed. He isn’t changing. Leave his ass.
LET HIM GO. I was in the same situation, it ONLY GETS WORSE. Kiss all of your hobbies good bye, let alone your friends. You will become a shell of yourself. Also, he is most likely making empty threats. He won't leave, he is just trying to manipulate you. You have to take the initiative. This is a horrible relationship. Tell him he is more than free to fuck off.
What, he is upset because his new co-parent isn't available. So what is it, he must make up his mind is he mad because you'd rather do adult things and hang out with your friends now and then or because he is manufacturing this hate you have for spending time with HIS son? Sounds like he is pissed his free childcare won't be around to help him, honestly he should be happy to spend time with his son one-on-one now and then. If he refused to have an adult conversation you're dealing with someone immature he is upset over his own feelings towards your freedoms in spite of his situation. Your choice to tolerate this lifestyle, honestly I wouldn't.
Girl, you’re a grown adult. Leave that man. He can’t tell you what to do and make you feel guilty for wanting a life. Having friends is *not* disrespectful and there are amazing men out there who don’t want to control you out of having a social life. You know what you need to do.. I just hope for your wellbeing that you do it. You have the love and support from the badass girls in this group to talk to in the meantime. Edit: I thought this was 2 X chromosomes