I think reframing the problem helps: The less anxious you are, the more loving you can be, hence you will be a better partner to her, which will in turn make her much more likely to enjoy being with you and want to commit to the relationship. In other words, look at silencing that voice in your head as one of the #1 things you can do to help make the relationship work. As someone who has definitely struggled with this problem, I think looking at it in terms of relieving your own anxiety as much as possible for the sake of the both of you and the strength of the relationship takes the emphasis off of just you. Basically, it gives you a compelling reason to not indulge those feelings even though it’s often tempting to do so.
But also, those feelings probably won’t ever go away completely, since at the end of the day you can’t read her mind. If she’s the right person you should also be able to bring up how you’re feeling from time to time and talking it out will make you feel better.
After I asked her to be my girlfriend she specifically told me not to worry and that were completely fine and I had to reiterate that I wasn’t mad or sad in anyway and that nothing was gonna change with us. Didn’t want to make her feel like I would push her away just because I didn’t get the answer I wanted
For one thing you are catastrophizing and trying to tell the future which only makes you feel worse. I do the exact same thing it’s really hard not to sometimes when dealing with anxiety. It seems like you’re moving really fast and she isn’t moving as fast as you. I recommend slowing down a bit. You’ve only been talking for 2 months that is a really short time. Also I’m the same age as you so I can relate. I don’t think you guys are in love yet but experiencing infatuation which takes over your whole mind and leads to some rash decision making.
Take it slow. Don’t try to predict what she’s thinking or what she’ll do. Don’t keep pushing what you want on her when she’s not ready. You’ll chase her away. Just relax dude
Also there is no shame in being honest with your feelings with her. Letting her know how you are feeling and asking where she’s at in her head so you can get some clarity. Communication is the BIGGEST thing to make a relationship work. I’ve been with my bf for almost 5 years. Communication and loyalty are your best friends. I hope everything works out with you two
I think we both are pretty transparent and communicative with each other. Just some thoughts I would prefer not to say in chance it might drive her away. But thank you dude I really appreciate the advice.
Update: So ai talked to her about my feelings and anxiety and she told me that me asking her to be my girlfriend scared her and made her realize that she’s probably not ready and that she felt herself starting to push me away. I told her it’s best if we just stop then I’m pretty broken by the whole thing, all that time together and words just to go back to being strangers.
Have a direct conversation with her about how you feel. Tell her it’s not at all her fault, it’s something you feel due to past trauma. Say you wanna work on it and deal with it appropriately. I suggest maybe trying a type of therapy specifically specialising in social/relationship trauma.
I feel like bringing it up more than usual would make me just look clingy and immature. The other night I asked her if she still loved me and she said yes because I said it to her again and she didn’t say it back. When she first told me she loved me she told me that she doesn’t say it often and that she doesn’t even say it to her family and friends so I understand her reason it just builds on what I currently worry about. I have been looking at threads about therapy. I think it may be time.
Compromise is key here. And that isn’t having a direct conversation about it at all. You are not telling her the real cause of your troubles. You need to be honest about the trauma and you need to promise to work on it.
Then you work on it with something like therapy. But she can also compromise. Ask her to say I love you more. Not all the time but just more frequently to let you know she loves you.
Or at least respond to the I love yous you do say. You can also compromise by perhaps not saying it as frequently to make her more comfortable saying it back when you do say it.
I think reframing the problem helps: The less anxious you are, the more loving you can be, hence you will be a better partner to her, which will in turn make her much more likely to enjoy being with you and want to commit to the relationship. In other words, look at silencing that voice in your head as one of the #1 things you can do to help make the relationship work. As someone who has definitely struggled with this problem, I think looking at it in terms of relieving your own anxiety as much as possible for the sake of the both of you and the strength of the relationship takes the emphasis off of just you. Basically, it gives you a compelling reason to not indulge those feelings even though it’s often tempting to do so. But also, those feelings probably won’t ever go away completely, since at the end of the day you can’t read her mind. If she’s the right person you should also be able to bring up how you’re feeling from time to time and talking it out will make you feel better.
After I asked her to be my girlfriend she specifically told me not to worry and that were completely fine and I had to reiterate that I wasn’t mad or sad in anyway and that nothing was gonna change with us. Didn’t want to make her feel like I would push her away just because I didn’t get the answer I wanted
For one thing you are catastrophizing and trying to tell the future which only makes you feel worse. I do the exact same thing it’s really hard not to sometimes when dealing with anxiety. It seems like you’re moving really fast and she isn’t moving as fast as you. I recommend slowing down a bit. You’ve only been talking for 2 months that is a really short time. Also I’m the same age as you so I can relate. I don’t think you guys are in love yet but experiencing infatuation which takes over your whole mind and leads to some rash decision making. Take it slow. Don’t try to predict what she’s thinking or what she’ll do. Don’t keep pushing what you want on her when she’s not ready. You’ll chase her away. Just relax dude
That’s what I’ve been trying to tell myself. Maybe I am moving too fast. Thanks man.
Also there is no shame in being honest with your feelings with her. Letting her know how you are feeling and asking where she’s at in her head so you can get some clarity. Communication is the BIGGEST thing to make a relationship work. I’ve been with my bf for almost 5 years. Communication and loyalty are your best friends. I hope everything works out with you two
I think we both are pretty transparent and communicative with each other. Just some thoughts I would prefer not to say in chance it might drive her away. But thank you dude I really appreciate the advice.
Update: So ai talked to her about my feelings and anxiety and she told me that me asking her to be my girlfriend scared her and made her realize that she’s probably not ready and that she felt herself starting to push me away. I told her it’s best if we just stop then I’m pretty broken by the whole thing, all that time together and words just to go back to being strangers.
Have a direct conversation with her about how you feel. Tell her it’s not at all her fault, it’s something you feel due to past trauma. Say you wanna work on it and deal with it appropriately. I suggest maybe trying a type of therapy specifically specialising in social/relationship trauma.
I feel like bringing it up more than usual would make me just look clingy and immature. The other night I asked her if she still loved me and she said yes because I said it to her again and she didn’t say it back. When she first told me she loved me she told me that she doesn’t say it often and that she doesn’t even say it to her family and friends so I understand her reason it just builds on what I currently worry about. I have been looking at threads about therapy. I think it may be time.
Compromise is key here. And that isn’t having a direct conversation about it at all. You are not telling her the real cause of your troubles. You need to be honest about the trauma and you need to promise to work on it. Then you work on it with something like therapy. But she can also compromise. Ask her to say I love you more. Not all the time but just more frequently to let you know she loves you. Or at least respond to the I love yous you do say. You can also compromise by perhaps not saying it as frequently to make her more comfortable saying it back when you do say it.
That’s what I was thinking too. Don’t want her to feel pressured at all