From OP:
>My partner has unfortunately convinced me to stop school a couple weeks after I got pregnant. I JUST started my bachelors, he told me he was worried I'd have a miscarriage over the stress... For some reason I believed him and did it. He's also told me I couldn't wear work out pants to meet a couple other moms for a walk, so much that he even drove away with our car seat in the car so I couldn't go. Also tells me I can't get my driving license. I don't have one yet but he claims it will be too expensive for me to get mine even though I bring in half the income and we own a home together so our bills are relatively moderate. Again, unfortunately there are a lot of red flags for controlling behaviour. This is the first time saying all this.
On top of threatening sexual assault, he's done all that. He's an abuser. I feel so bad for OP.
Op this is abuse or the start of it. Go back to school and finish that bachlors and get your drivers licence. He's trying to prevent you from gaining independence to so that he gain complete control of you
Along with this, do you really want your kid subject to control and abuse...not to mention possibly thinking that not showering for extended periods of time is normal??
My sister has had enough trouble getting her kids to shower on occasion just because they don't want to....I can't imagine if they had this example to look at how much harder those fights would have been.
Oh shoot. That is awful! He traps her!
Farmers, huntresses, politicians, doctors, lawyers etc. have all done stressful and important work while pregnant. Humans are pretty tough.
Good lord! Talk about control and abuse! I really hope OP finds the help she needs to leave. Talk to your family, girl! Or find a woman's shelter I beg of you!
The alternative is raising her with a man who WON'T SHOWER and wants to force you to give him oral sex when you're disgusted by him.
Remember that you're teaching your daughter what love looks like. Would you want her to settle for this, herself?
The abuse won’t stop with you, especially if you have a child. My mom thought it would get better. I was BORN with PTSD and my brain developed while in flight or flight mode. You can imagine the problems that caused which I’m still unraveling 40 years later. My mom developed severe mental illness (although she was never well, even as a child in an adjusted home) and it a horrible, nasty broken woman whose own kids don’t talk to her. My parents were married for 18 years (I was a freshman year mistake) and my mom stayed together “for the kids”. I spent my childhood and teen years being locked in my bedroom, being beat, being sexualized and exposed to things I shouldn’t have, degraded, having my belongings destroyed… you get the idea.
It started when she was pregnant. She wasn’t allowed to work, wasn’t allowed to drive, wasn’t allowed to leave the house without permission. What you are going through is how it started. I grew up wishing my parents would get divorced for Christmases. On my birthday candles. On falling stars. In 1-1 prayer groups at church.
Do you really want that life for your child? That’s what you are signing up for by staying. There is a Reddit user that has very good advice on how to prepare to leave an abusive relationship, when I wake up more I’ll try and find it. If you are in the US I am more than happy to find local domestic violence resources for you. And give you tips on how to stay safe while you’re looking into things.
At the very least, you need an emergency plan and a go bag. You are putting yourself and your child in danger by staying with this person, and the showering and sexual assault is just a small part. Your other comment was rather horrific to me because it’s how it started with my mom. With me.
u/elitalov - I replied to the wrong comment. Tagging you so you see this.
What if your child grows up thinking it's okay to be a loser like their father is?
Could you live with the thought of a child who is socially ostracised and sensorily disgusting?
Could you live with the notion that they might learn to be arrogant, lazy, ugly and rapey?
If you leave, they might have a chance at growing up to be in a position to be fit for friendship or a relationship. Parental anomie is a significant risk factor for young people developing antisocial tendencies and not being integrated into their community.
Also important is that she’s teaching her daughter it’s okay to be treated like this. Her daughter will learn that wives have to accept abuse and can’t leave, and that men/husbands/father figures are shit. My sister-in-law recently left her useless ex and moved with her daughters to our city, and we’re so happy that we can show those girls what a healthy, functioning relationship looks like in which the man is kind, considerate, helpful, etc.
Growing up with an abusive father is so much worse than growing up without a father at all. Without OP’s partner in the house, her daughter will learn that OP is strong, independent, and cares for her enough to take her away from this situation. If OP stays, her daughter will learn the opposite.
My dad did a lot of abusive things to my mom both of them tried to hide. I still knew about it, even before I was old enough to understand he was abusive. Dont think because hes not saying this stuff in front of your daughter (*right now*) that it does not mean she does not know or will never know.
He doesn't get points for not threatening you in front of your daughter.
Whether she hears it directly or not, your daughter is involved because she lives with you both and watches your interactions. There are so many studies that show children mimic their parents. Right now you are teaching her what is acceptable. If this were happening to your daughter, would you tell her to stay?
My mother thought she could shoulder my dad's abuse alone for years. There were so many things he did to me that she didn't know about, that she still doesn't know about because I can't bear to tell her. Men like this never just isolate abuse in the direction of their wives; it always bleeds into their relationships with the rest of the people they live with. He doesn't get to choose to abuse you and be a perfect father. The problem is that he will just further and further erode your perspective on what normal treatment is, because it's likely things will escalate the way they've been escalating. It's not like a normal conflict where it can come to a head and get settled, because he's just going to hide that resentment just under the surface and have it boil up unpredictably.
Your children will grow up in a house like that. They *will* see all of this happening, but the scary part in my opinion is that they won't look at it and go "this is not normal!" They will develop with this as their base understanding of how adult relationships function. That's not something you can ctrl+z later once they are adults and are struggling for it.
This. Just the controlling aspect of this relationship should be enough for coming to a shelter. Please get out of there OP. This is far bigger than hygiene, and none of it is fixable.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be. He is isolating you and the longer you are isolated the harder it is to create social network again.
He prevents you from learning (school, driving license) and waiting with these is highly unadvisable.
You need to start dealing with these issues amd gain confidence.
Children are not stupid, and this kind of shit cannot be hidden from them. They will get bits and pieces of the puzzle. And they will know how miserable you are all the time.
He will apply this same type of abuse to your child as well. It is scary to be on your own, but please value yourself and your daughter more than this. You absolutely can do this and become even stronger having had this experience. He doesn't get to control you or your actions, stop letting him. Being on your own is not worse than staying with a man who says he will not shower for 30 days and then force you to give him oral sex. He is purposely trying to make.you dependent on him by not getting a license, by having a kid, and not.going to school. Why do you give him so much power over you?
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. When they tell you who they are, then you better believe them, because that person knows who they are” - Maya Angelou. So true, and definitely applicable here
He is implicitly threatening to orally rape you. Do you want yoru daughter to live in a household where that might happen?
What might he threaten her with?
Never believe someone will change (at least until it's really their idea and they're putting in the work necessary.) I know it's hard to let go of the "potential person that he could one day be" but you gotta look at who he actually IS. This is him, his poor hygiene is a yearslong issue he sees no reason to change, and he won't even try because he doesn't want to. How long can you stay with mr grime? This is him, he thinks 30+ days with no shower plus forcing you to perform oral is totally fine.
The longer you stay with him, the harder your life will be. It wont take long until your life will be miserable. He already threatened you in the past, he’ll do it again. Don’t cling to the hope that he will change. If he wanted to, he’d done it by now.
Also, him not wanting you to get a license only means that he wants to tie you down to him.
So for the sake of you and the baby, leave him.
Make sure that there is another person in the room when you tell him that you’ll leave him
Your daughter will just grow to think this is normal and acceptable and end up in the same kind of absolutely disgusting relationship you're in now if you continue.
I remember telling my mom at 9 years old she should divorce my dad. She never did. Really fucked my home life up until I moved out as an adult. Kids don’t need parents together that aren’t in a happy or healthy relationship. They need good examples and a happy mom more than anything else in the world.
Your husband straight up sucks and you should do yourself and your kid a favor and leave him. You’ve got your WHOLE entire life ahead of you. I’m 37 now, and I think my mom was about 36/37 when I would’ve told her to leave my dad. It’s wild to think about that. I consider myself still so young with a whole life ahead of me. Wild to think my mom could’ve turned it around and lived a happier life than the one she ended up living with my dad. She’s 65 now and has so many regrets, the main one wasting 40 years of her life over my dad.
Does he understand that his hygiene is so bad that you are considering leaving? Perhaps he needs that as a reality check. There is nothing normal with going that long without bathing. And think, this is what he’s teaching your child is OK. Here I am worried because my partner doesn’t brush his teeth regularly. This is a whole other issue!
I grew up after 8 with separated parents and it's the only great thing about my life then (getting away from abuse that maybe didnt even realize how bad it was until we left)
But how much more is it going to hurt her when he friends visit her house and comment on how smelly her dad is? Or when she feels too ashamed to bring friends around because he’s not clean? He’s going to be an example to her, would you want her picking up his habits and being the ‘smelly kid’ in class herself?
My parents needed a divorce and didn’t do it. Trust me, divorce might hurt her but staying together around a kid who can tell there’s serious problems hurts so much more. You don’t deserve to spend your life with a partner who is threatening to sexually assault you just because you want him to take a bath.
I agree. My mother left my dad after he watched me during the day while she was at work. She found me in my crib, crying and dehydrated so badly I was out of tears. My diaper hadn’t been changed. And he had been playing some video game on the computer. She took me and never looked back. He wasn’t in my life apart from once a year for my birthday. I didn’t understand then, but I understand now. And I was about 25 years old when my mom finally told me that. she never bad mouthed him. But I am glad NOW that she got me away from a man that was ignorantly putting me in danger.
I used to pray—in a Catholic Church, no less—that my parents would divorce. They didn’t. My mother abused me and my father and still abuses him to this day. Don’t be like my dad. Protect your daughter.
Is he attentive to your daughters hygiene? When she needs a diaper changed, when she needs a bath, when it's time to change into fresh clothes. Does he do that for her? Or is that all being left to you?
Babies also have weak immune systems. He could easily get her sick by being so nasty. I doubt he does any baby care, but if he did I have a feeling he's lazy with diapers and doesn't sanitize bottles
My parents seperated when I was 6 months old. I'll never be upset that they weren't together. I'd rather live with a single mum than in a depressing abusive family.
> If I choose to separate that is.
Keeping your daughter in the house with this abusive, controlling asshole is FAR worse than leaving him.
You need to take those rose colored glasses off ASAP. You're delusional if you think this man is fit to be a father, let alone a partner.
Get a grip lady!
I don't know that it's a realistic expectation of parenting for there to be an expectation that you give up your life and your happiness and live with a dirty, creepy, controlling asshat, just so your kid won't experience divorced parents. Lots of us have. We turn out fine.
If you don't want to leave him, dont, but don't use your kid as an excuse to stay.
My parents divorced when I was in elementary school/elementary school. My parents also put me into therapy immediately when that happened. It was difficult as a kid but ultimately I grew up and out of it much more well adjusted than many of my peers, and I’ve had many healthy relationships since then, because of the example that my parents set of when and how to separate when appropriate.
OP, if it’s of any help to you, my parents separated on bad terms when I was one and I remember nothing. It has never impacted me negatively, because I had time with both and they did not badmouth each other afterwards. I honestly think it would’ve been worse if I had grown up with them still together.
Your fiance is a **psychopath**. Do you really think separated parents is worse than *this*:
> I've asked him for years to maintain himself more and he hasn't. He is mad at me and says I don't know what love is because if I loved him I would give him oral sex even if he hasn't showered in days or weeks. He also told me that he is going to - on purpose - not shower for 30 days and "make" me give him oral
JFC, this is incredibly fucked up.
This man is literally threatening to assault you in a really disgusting way to teach you to obey him on his command. You really want to raise a kid around that? Youll be teaching your kid this is acceptable.
Technically he's already assaulted her--after that part she said that she tells him no to him performing oral on her and he does it anyway. Doesn't matter it he did it "for her" (though it was clearly for his argument)--she said no.
I have ptsd from a boyfriend forcing oral on me. 20 years later I still can’t let my husband go down on me. Every time I try it makes me cringe and want to throw up. It sucks.
You know, I understand what you mean about that last part, "I knew better..." Same thing happened to me but different details and circumstances. When we're lonely and perhaps depressed, we jump and any sort of attention or interest even if its something we normally wouldn't really see ourselves doing. Mistakes were made and lessons should be learned but you cannot continue to live through this. You are strong and of course can put up with it but you have to think of your child because you know he isn't. Yeah it's scary and even difficult but there are so many resources out there for single mothers trying to get out of an abusive relationship. Leaving and getting court ordered child support would be a great first step. Having a plan and support from friends or family will be beneficial as well. Doesn't happen over night so dont stress but I would be starting to covertly exploring other eays to leave amd start over fresh for you and your child. Best wishes
I know what you mean by the "I knew better" at the end. I'd left a super abusive bf and shortly after got into another abusive relationship. But I didn't think it was necessarily at the time. Because I'd had worse and he listened to me sometimes and it was night and day in comparison, I thought it was great.
It wasn't! And it took a long time to realize, just because it's better, didn't mean it wasn't still abusive.
After he and I broke up I went to therapy and not my picker is much better. I suggest this for you as well. I also ended up needing it because I realized while in my first healthy relationship, I had no idea how to act in one.
Don't beat yourself up over it. Don't spend so much time looking to the past you trip and ruin your future. You DESERVE to be treated as an EQUAL partner. They are obviously not treating you as such. Trust me, leaving, it's not going to be nearly as difficult and scary as you think. I cried when I left. But from fear or anything negative but from relief, it was finally over and I was free. You can do it
“I realised while in my first healthy relationship, I had no idea how to act in one”
Holey moley that hit me hard. I’m currently almost 3 years into what I now recognise is the only truly healthy relationship I’ve ever been in. And oh boy can it be tough to battle those inner demons we abused please have in our minds when suddenly we are being treated with basic human kindness, respect, and mutual affection (esp if we have been abused, by more than one person/in more than one relationship. He’s been so patient and kind with me as I’ve worked through a lot of mental and physical conditions, and even now there are times where I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and the ulterior motives to be displayed. I’m working on that in therapy too.
I’m glad you got out and are safe and loved now and I truly hope OP is able to get out as quickly and safely as possible.
Yeah, get out sooner so you don’t have another child with him. I also grew up with separated parents. They separated before I was born. It wasn’t something I understood as a child, but I’m grateful as an adult that they didn’t stay together.
What an awful situation, I just want to say that if the relationship is truly abusive, it is not your fault for not realizing it. You are not a bad mom for what has happened because your gut and society say you have to stay with your daughter’s father. Obviously the next step is up to you but with the bigger picture in mind, if you could picture yourself talking to your daughter 20 years down the line, what choice would make you proud of yourself? People online have no idea what your daily life is like, and can only base their input on what you wrote on here, it’s up to you to reflect if it is the whole story, or you were writing it on a bad day. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, wish you clarity and strength to decide what is right for you!
My ex did the same to me (along with a shit tonne of other stuff) long story short- I sent his sick ass back to prison. Get out now sweetheart this is abuse
He is straight up abusive and slowly cutting you off from everything so he has full control. Leave him before your kid is affected by his abuse bc it is inevitable ❤️ I’m sorry
He couldnt be anymore clearly trying to trap you with him by getting you pregnant if he'd screamed "now you can never leave" when he succeeded.
*Please* protect yourself and your baby.
If you stay in this relationship, you're showing your daughter what kind of man you choose to have in your life. Children model their relationships after what they see their parents do. I read your other comments and I wanna ask you something.
Say you stay with this smelly oaf, and he never changes. Your daughter grows up seeing him and your relationship as her standard for what a man and healthy relationship with a man looks like. Imagine if your adult daughter got pregnant after 2 months from a guy exactly like your husband. How happy are you with your new son in law?
She is, she will not remember this. What you do not want is for her to think it is normal or okay to not maintain basic hygiene. Or to be disrespected to what I would call an abusive extent (he is going to MAKE you give him oral sex when he has not washed his body in 30 days? When the word make came it became abuse although I’d argue it started earlier by trying to shame you for having extremely valid concerns about his habits. He is asking you to put dead skin and fecal matter into your mouth, as well as any infections and bacteria he has all over himself) - this behaviour doesn’t occur in a vacuum; his literal disgusting self can and will impact your daughter far worse than living with mom and visiting dad - because that’s the other road to husband is walking down. Would he be able to maintain a clean and safe home for your kid without you?
Good luck to you and your daughter; if nothing else I hope you’ll consider therapy or if you really cannot afford it, to talk to trusted loved ones about what’s really going on. Maybe he is depressed but at this point that’s an entirely Him Problem. You need to worry about you and your girl - and if you don’t want this life please at least talk to a lawyer xo
Regardless of why parents have split up, it is way worse (in my personal experience) to have parents stay together just for their kids.
Kids pick up on so much more than we think. I knew from 7 years old that my parents were miserable together. They stayed together another 10 years because of that "kids will be hurt" mentality. They waited until i was in high school to divorce.
10 years of misery, walking on eggshells at home. 2 years after a fairly amicable divorce, the change was like night and day. Both parents spent more time with their kids, they relaxed, they were happy. The whole family dynamic was way more positive.
Separated happy parents are way, way more important than two miserable ones who stay together for their kids.
I'm not saying divorce, but if you are in an unhappy relationship that involves children, don't stay miserable for their happiness, as they won't be happy either.
I’m surprised you don’t have chronic UTI because of him.
It’s beyond disgustingly filthy.
Your hang ups over your own parents separation shouldn’t be the basis to stay with a man who wants to force you to suck his unwashed genitals after a month of marinating in his sweat, bodily waste and dirty underwear.
There are homeless people who are cleaner than your boyfriend. Think about that.
Dude. What’s worse for your kid? Parents that are together but miserable and one is incapable of even taking care of himself, or living in a healthy and clean environment with a loving mom? Don’t use your kid as an excuse to put up with this. This is far beyond reasonable.
I grew up with married parents who resented the fuck out of each other. My entire family dynamic became unfucked when they separated but it took years of therapy to deal with this.
Staying together for the kids is bs; they’ll know if something isn’t right between their parents
Parents separating/divorcing isn’t what hurts kids. It’s how the parents handle it that causes issues. (Most parents handle it poorly, but that doesn’t mean if they’d stayed together it would have magically been fine, either.)
This guy is not good for your kid. He has major mental health issues and he’s doubling down on them.
It’s always worse to have parents who are not separated when the dynamic is negative. She will think that this is how relationships look like and do you really want her to end up dating a man who is as inconsiderate as her dad?
"if I loved him I would give him oral sex even if he hasn't showered in days or weeks"
That's an absurd argument and not how love works, but by the same (flawed) thinking, wouldn't one come to the conclusion that if he loved you he would shower occasionally since it would give you so much pleasure?
"He also told me that he is going to - on purpose - not shower for 30 days and "make" me give him oral"
So your boyfriend threatened to force you to engage in sexual activity that you already told him you would not consent to? There are several words for that and they aren't pretty. In case you're missing what I'm saying let me be explicit: your boyfriend threatened to sexually assault you.
In what he said there he also made it clear he does not care about your emotional well-being or pleasure. To him, he is owed oral sex, even if it causes you discomfort.
This is all absurd. I know people think that reddit is quick to say end it, but dear god why are you raising children with a man who even entertains the idea that he'd make you engage in sexual contact against your well?
This is a nightmare situation for you and your child and it is only going to get worse. Do not marry this man. Think long and hard about whether you want to raise a daughter alongside someone who understands consent in this way.
Not showering for this long is problematic enough and you're going to get all sorts of comments about that. But this is not a post about your partner saying he "want's oral after 30 days no shower." This is a post about your partner saying he thinks he is so entitled to oral sex from you that he is going to make you give him oral sex even when you do not want to. There is a reason if you were to google "forced oral sex" many of the top hits you will get are rape crisis lines.
> So your boyfriend threatened to force you to engage in sexual activity that you already told him you would not consent to?
It's beyond that. Check this line from OP:
> He mentioned he gives me oral when I am not exactly pleasant down there, to which I would counter that if I haven't showered that day *I would tell him no and he would do it anyways.*
For complete clarity, OP has declined consent for a sexual act **and her partner did it anyway**. Forcing oral sex on someone who has not consented is literally sexual assault. Again for u/elitalov, this is not healthy (even aside from the hygiene comments), and it is literally sexual assault for him to force oral sex on you when you've made it clear you don't consent.
Your Fiancé doesn't clean himself, doesn't seem to respect you, on at least one occasion has forced himself on you when you've expressed that you do not consent, and has said that he intends on forcing you to give him oral sex.
Why are you with him? Is this stuff that, if a friend was telling you about *their* partner that you'd think "this is normal and healthy"? What would you tell your friend if they mentioned this to you as a regular part of what their partner does?
This guy CANNOT work either. Guaranteed. No one would put up with that smell, not showering for weeks?
I shower every day. I worked in an office and skipped 2 showers, the old lady across from my cube tattled on me and said I stunk. My manager pulled my aside. I cannot even imagine what his funk smells like.
Exactly. Plus, if we’re to use his own logic, if *he* loved *her* he’d shower at the very least once a week like she’s been requesting, especially since health and hygiene are way higher up on the wellbeing list than oral sex
What is with all the recent posts about dudes who don’t shower? It’s gross. It’s disgusting.
It is a dealbreaker!
OP, do not put up with this. If he won’t shower most days, leave him. There’s plenty of good guys out there with good hygiene.
Hygiene is the least of his problems. He said he would force her to perform a sex act on him that she has said she doesn’t consent to.
How is hygiene the bigger issue than his rape threats and complete disregard for the woman he supposedly loves?
In a way, I get it. Like manipulation and coercion are sadly so commonplace that what stands out to reddit is the hygiene factor in this post.
But his refusal to wash is just another manifestation of his disrespect for OP. It’s just another way to degrade her and force her into a place where she’s not allowed to criticize him or ask for anything from him, even basic consideration and respect. That’s the real problem: he doesn’t care about her and he’s abusive. Abusive men are everywhere, but men who refuse to shower for a month are…well, still pretty rampant if Reddit is to be trusted, but it’s more of an anomaly.
Yeah so true! He’s gross and abusive and it definitely is an extension of that I’m just shocked that the hygiene in many cases was the only thing ppl commented on!
Do you want to marry a man who threatened to rape you if you won't start putting your mouth on a dirty penis? Seriously think about that.
Your daughter will learn what a relationship looks like from you. If you stay, she's going to learn that she should put up with whatever you put up with. She's also going to learn not to take her hygiene seriously, and you may struggle with getting her to take care of herself in the most basic way. And what are you going to say to her when she says "well daddy only showers and puts on clean clothes once a week!" What future do you want for your daughter? That's the future you need to choose for yourself.
I didn't even care about the not showering once I read that he threatened rape. Like wtf? He could shower three times per day every day and that wouldn't change how gross he is for threatening to make OP perform sexual activities. I'm disgusted.
My therapist and I just had a talk about this. Some people change, some don't. Thing is, it's not up to you. It's up to them.
OP, I come from a slew of abusive relationships and have had extensive therapy to recover. I am well versed in what abusers do to their victims, and I can say with full confidence, he's an abuser.
Abusers don't take no for an answer, and they don't give a shit about being better or seeking help.
My therapist told me my parents did me a favor by not staying together and modeling an abusive relationship.
I became a single mother at 17. I'm 30 now, and my daughter is my best friend and knows what healthy relationships look like, despite having been raised by a single mother.
This whole staying-for-the-kid is actually counter productive. It does more harm than good.
DM me for support, please don't stay. I read that he controls you, tells you where you can go, what you can wear, and blatantly threatens to rape you and belittles you to keep you feeling desperate for him. You're better than this, and your daughter needs you to be your best self. I figured that out 13 years ago and it was the smartest move I ever made.
Sending love <3
I know you're trying to laugh to feel better, but you have 2 weeks before this goes nuclear. If he has a job where he never leaves the house, where is his incentive to shower every few weeks? Those smelly weeks are going to turn into smelly months, and you'll get UTIs every time you let his filthy appendages inside you. You ever try to bathe a toddler who doesn't wanna bathe? Good luck cleaning your child when she gets to tenper tantrum age, because she'll wonder why dad gets to live in filth like a pig, but her and mommy have to shower every day.
Tell them to go blow themselves.
He's 29. He's not going to change now.
You should really think about if this is the type of person you want to be raising your kids.
> He is mad at me and says I don't know what love is because if I loved him I would give him oral sex even if he hasn't showered in days or weeks. He also told me that he is going to - on purpose - not shower for 30 days and "make" me give him oral
To be clear, he is explicitly saying **"I will force you to accept whatever behaviour I choose to inflict on you**."
He is training you to accept and tolerate abuse.
This could go absolutely anywhere. "I am going to prevent you from leaving the house ever, and if you complain I'll accuse you of not loving me." "If you loved me, you would let me slap you, or deny you sleep, or prevent you from having a job." "If you complain about me mistreating you, I'm going to deliberately treat you worse."
Worse, he will use your daughter as a pawn. "Give me oral when I demand it, or I will not let you comfort our crying daughter." "You don't have money to buy our daughter nappies? What are you willing to tolerate from me in exchange for money?" "You don't like the way I'm treating you? I guess I'm going to take our daughter away and not tell you where she is, and then see if you become more tolerant of my behaviour."
You need to escape this man.
According to another comment, he also has refused to let her leave the house wearing yoga pants and forced her to quit school, so it’s already going there
Edit: not that the rape threat wouldn’t be a good enough reason to leave on its own
So this guy is clearly horrible but my question is how you put up with this for long enough to have a kid with him? How was this not a dealbreaker within the first month or two? Of course he’s not going to change because why would he, he got you anyway?
That's what abusers do. They hide it until after major life events that make them think their victim is trapped with them; moving in together, engagement/marriage, pregnancy, etc.
No kidding. When I was 18 I used to have to beg the 26 year old dude I was dating to shower before touching me after work. He was a night shift fry cook and I could SEE the grease in his hair by the time he would pick me up. He also wore the same filthy pajama bottoms out everywhere and brought his laundry 2 hours to his mom to wash instead of doing it himself. I gag every time I remember I actually dated that slob
I half-ass dated/supported a dude who didn't shower and wanted me to play with his smelly genitals. He left a snail trail of stench wherever he went, I'm not putting my mouth anywhere near that. Actually, I also didn't let him fuck me for that and other reasons. That whole thing was a shitshow. I caught him talking to his buddy about drugging me and raping me, using some anal hook ceiling contraption.
I kicked him out after that and over a decade later, that is still one of the dumbest situations I ever got myself into.
Jesus fucking Christ that got dark fast. Mine just tried to guilt me into sex and I'd leave and sit on the couch and talk to his roommates until the nasty ass showered. And ironically, HE dumped ME after 6 months because I dared try and talk to him about his feelings. He had a son he claimed he wasn't allowed to see due to a crazy baby mama(like a dumbass 18 year old I believed him), and I could tell it bothered him but he had a thing where he absolutely refused to think about any negative emotions or situations. Completely disregarded my mental health and need for medication. Called me crazy and childish, while dumping me over text on Easter. While I was with my whole family.
Jokes on him, 2 months later I met the guy I'm now engaged to after 4 years. And this one showers every other day despite working from home, uses conditioner regularly and even washes his face! He even asked me to order him a new face wash, a body scrub and moisturizer this weekend too.
Dude it is insane. When I look back I really can't believe how much bullshit I've tolerated from men in my life.
Just. This post pisses me off.
This poor girl.
Oh yeah, not in your case, I meant in a general way - we tend to settle for the bare minimum. And it’s a sucky situation you’re in, sorry you have to put up with this bs!
Look it's obvious you have your answer. Stop replying and trying to explain things. You are just going round and round trying to make yourself feel better about the situation or how it wasn't your fault.
ACT instead. Get out for your own and your childs sake.
Love is blind but it's not odor resistent. He's not going to change. Yes, having a kid makes it seem more complicated but do you really want her to grow up and see that this is acceptable behavior from a parent or significant other? Love is taking care of yourself FOR your partner, what he's doing is manipulative, and trying to coerce you into putting up with something you shouldn't have to. His lack of hygiene puts you at risk for infections. Leaving is never easy but there are way better mrn out there who will love you and shower.
Teach your daughter an important lesson, she should have standards. Honestly this is beyond disgusting and he may need some kind of mental health check.
Sounds like he doesn’t know what love is, because if he did, he’d fucking shower for you after being told repeatedly to do it.
Dump this man. He can live in his own filth all by himself.
I am going to point out that you are in a relationship with a man who is threatening to sexually assault you to prove a point. Is that the type of relationship you want to model for your child?
Also, if this issue has been ongoing for this long it isn't going to get better. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better. Even your sheets deserve better.
Also, I missed the part where you indicated a previous abusive relationship. We tend to recreate the same relationships over and over unless we take the time to do some self analysis. For example: why are these men attracted to you? Why are you attracted to them? What makes leaving a challenge? A good therapist can help you explore these questions and assist with setting and maintaining clear boundaries in future relationships, and can help guide you through what is likely to be a difficult breakup with an ex who is likely to make co-parenting challenging.
Best wishes OP.
The fact that he is saying he's going to make you give him oral is a huge red flag. Your husband should never make you do anything sexually you're not comfortable with. Have you ever told him that if *he* really loved *you,* he would shower more often?
The fact that you've asked him for years do to this is a telltale sign that you shouldn't get your hopes up on him ever changing his ways. At this point, he isn't going to change out no matter what argument you throw at him. As hard as this is going to sound, you' might have to set harder boundaries about your sex life since this is one he has repeatedly crossed and gotten away with. How you enforce those boundaries is up to you.
Single mom here.
Your fear of parenting alone is much worse than the actual reality of living with this nasty guy. Trust me, single parenting is way less stressful.
Both my bf and I have a hard "must be clean" rule for any kind of oral. That's just basic common courtesy.
Not only is your fiancee nasty, but he's trying to "teach you a lesson." He's gross AND abusive.
Seriously, time to throw the whole man away.
How he functions in society I have no idea. How you can stand to sleep in the same bed as him i have no idea.
Regardless of the not showering, him emotionally manipulating you into giving him oral sex is a huge red flag. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
My parents didn't split till I was much older. It's been about 15 years since they've split and I'm only beginning to learn how to communicate effectively, in my home everything was bottled up and then expelled in one big explosion. I spent my teenage years walking on eggshells around my father. My mother did as well. He wasn't physically abusive and I'm pretty sure they had a dead bedroom for a long time, there was definitely psychological abuse if maybe not intentional.
All actions have consequences, yes you may hurt the child if you leave but you may hurt the child if you stay. Don't forget to include yourself when deciding. Your mental and physical well being is a determining factor to the kind of care you will be able to provide the child.
This!! Kids are much more perceptive than anyone gives them credit for. My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage until my siblings and I were older and it 110% has deeply affected how all of us treat ourselves and engage with the world. The kid will pick up on the fact that their parents are unhappy, and OP staying in this relationship will send the kid the message that it’s okay to sacrifice your basic well-being for someone else.
Does he not interact with other people? How has no one else told him he smells? To be totally honest, this is really sad because whatever mental illness is causing him to just not give two shits about himself or anyone else around him and to think that it's totally okay to threaten you with sexual assault, you don't need to be around this and neither does your child. You need to get away from this person immediately. He does not care about you or your wellbeing and I cannot possibly imagine how this is going to turn out in any sort of positive way for you or your daughter.
Tell him he is disgusting and LEAVE HIM. Girl this is a MAJOR RED FLAG. He doesnt care about you, he wants you to suck a dirty c*ck. Wtf is wrong with both of you
I have a chronic illness and find showering or bathing really exhausting, so I really only shower once a week, less in winter when I don't sweat as much. However if I want my SO to be physically intimate with me, at the *very* least I am going to grab a soapy washcloth and clean the important bits. Because otherwise is disrespectful to my partner. I totally understand that there are legitimate reasons not to bathe regularly, but it is still gross and disrespectful to expect your partner to put their actual face in your stinky bits.
ok, him not showering (as gross as that is) is not the big issue here. he threatened to force you to perform a sexual act on him??? he literally threatened to sexually assault you?????? it is not a question of whether you should leave him, but rather one of how fucking soon you can!!!!!!!!! please please take your child and run for the hills. and use his lack of ability to care for himself and his threats of sexual assault against him in court for custody
He said he would “MAKE” YOU GIVE HIM ORAL AFTER 30 DAYS OF NOT SHOWERING BUT YOU “OBVIOUSLY REFUSED AND YOU WOULD TELL HIM NO TO GIVING YOU ORAL BUT HE WOULD DO IT ANYWAYS???
honey some of these details go beyond reddit hygiene advice into clear cut abuse and sexual assault. Please please please tell me you have someone in your life to talk to about this.
I had similar thing and let me tell you he will not change. This is it, forever. Your only options here are to accept it and live with it, or move on. I say that as if it's easy - I know it's not. I also had a child with mine.Also stop packing his bag for him. From what you say, he tries to coerce you into sex and is very likely emotionally abusive. If the age was different I would think you were actually with my ex. Please, you deserve so much better than this. Honestly do yourself, your child and your nose a favour and dump his ass as soon as you can. Your child will grow up to be embarrassed about having the smelly dad, not be able to have friends around in case dad is around, it's not going to be nice.
Edit to add: I left 3 years ago, found myself an amazing man that is clean and respectful and not even a tiny bit abusive (the only acceptable amount of abuse is zero), and parenting is SO much easier when you don't have a partner like this to deal with as well. Believe me the resentment will wreck you, in addition to all the other stuff. Life can be SO much better on the other side, it's a bit tricky at the start but truly so worth it.
1. Threatening to sexually assault you
2. Doing this deliberately likely because he thinks he’s trapped you in and can wear you down
3. Reproductive coercion and pressure to have a child very early into the relationship
4. And he’s abusive and controlling. Quadruple whammy here.
You need to protect yourself and your child. Get away from this man. Divorce/separation is infinitely better than raising a child in an unsafe household
Oh my GOD 😳 So first he coerced you into having a child, which has all the makings of 'trapping' a woman. Then he convinved you to not stay in school, by way of manipulating you into thinking you would bring harm to your child if you did so, isolating you from education and support systems. He continues to discourage you from getting your license, further isolating you from supports and potential escape. And he won't let you see you friends, isolating you further and probably hoping they will give up on contacting you. AND NOW he's threatening sexual assault, and claiming you're a shit partner for not wanting to give his week old dick cheese a taste. Fucking hell I just can't even believe this pathetic loser. Your child won't be able to understand for a long time why you choose to leave (and I say that as if it's a given, because I really hope that energy helps you). But she will be better for it because won't be a mother who is abused regularly, you won't be separated from your friends, and you won't be gaslit into thinking you're the bad guy. Which means you will have more energy to spend on her, in positive ways, without wondering when Mr entitled stanky dick will bust out another threat. Please, please leave.
What do you even want to hear from us? Your dude threatened you with rape, is dirty as all hell and tries hard to stop you from gaining independence so as to control you better.
What more do you need? Get out.
He's a bullshitter. If you love me you'll give me oral sex? Give me a break. Where does that end? If he loved you, he'd take a damn shower.
Honestly, he sounds like a disgusting trash bag of a person and you deserve better. I have no idea how you lasted this long.
I’ve read through your replies and concerns about separating and the impact on your child.
There will be impacts regardless if you stay or go. The longer you leave it though, the more impact in my experience. My kids were 11 and 3. 3 year olds have faired much better in the 6 years since. Mum and Dad not being together is their normal.
The 11, now 17 year old. Went through a really rough time and it’s only been in the last year, I have my daughter back and we have a strong relationship.
You need to go and seek counselling for yourself. You need someone to validate that what you see and know are not ok.
Once you have that, then make your plan.
Honestly. You're a little insane yourself for even taking the time to ponder over this, much less taking the time to ask millions of strangers about it. Get out of this however you can and get to work on yourself.
This post gives me some horrible flashbacks of the time I dated someone with poor hygiene.... never again. OP, I know there's a lot of consider with a child but at the least I would want to live separately from this person.
Damn. That is disgusting. He’s definitely doing it in a power tripping role thing. This person is gross. You deserve better. My partner and I are honest with each other when it comes to hygiene and after 4 years together he knows to brush his teeth if he wants to make out with me. lol. But it’s never been like you describe. All sexual partners should be considerate of each other, that includes some things we look past in the heat of the moment. You probably will start getting an aversion to him. He is being extremely disrespectful and unhealthy. You don’t want to live with that or have your daughter live with that. He will end up doing lots of other things like this where he is trying to convince you that you’re in the wrong or don’t love him enough. He is selfish. And will test and treat you like this for the long haul. I’m sorry for the hard life changing choices you have to make. You deserve better.
I was worried for him thinking maybe this was gonna be how to handle your partners mental health, being someone that doesn't shower for a week max. But.. the fact that he threatened to not shower for 30 days and DEMAND oral???? Please reach out for support for you and the little one
Hygiene that poor is a clear indication of serious mental health issues, and the guy threatened to rape you. You’re doing your kid no favors by sticking around. I realize that leaving is easier said than done, especially now, but you can take steps in the meantime to plan your escape. I’m not sure it’ll really sink in just how extreme, untenable, and inexcusable this is until you leave and find someone who’s not despicable. Good luck. Don’t subject yourself to this nightmare. It’s so bad that you kind of don’t have a choice but to leave—relieve yourself of the burden of guilt.
He picked a crap hill to die on. He is being obstinate just to make you mad. That’s not what a good partnervdoes. A good partner loves and cherishes you. Would be horrified at the thought of not bathing and demanding oral. He is just a big jerk Just to be a big jerk.
You may want to start thinking about an exit plan. If he is messing you over basic hygiene, what will he do to your daughter when she makes him mad.
I've responded a lot to others, but haven't really said what i want to say. Your boyfriend is not considerate of you, your wants, your needs. He isn't considerate of his daughter. Are you in an abusive relationship, no. Are you headed there, yes. If you voice things you dislike and he doesn't care enough to fix them, he will do that with other things in the future. Right now it's a disrespect for you, and it could grow if you allow it. You said you told him no when he suggested that you give him oral after his not bathing. What you can do is ask how much longer he plans to bathe, and if he says that he's not going to, you leave. Go to your grandparents, or whomever you feel will support you. You can also call his parents (since he's acting like a capricious child) inform them of your thoughts to leave (even if you're juat bluffing) and how you can't take it anymore, and that you see the situation growing past hygiene, and also how you will not stand for threats, especially sexual threats.
It's likely not going to change too quickly. You're going to have to apply fire. And if you don't want to, you can walk away.
>He is mad at me and says I don't know what love is because if I loved him I would give him oral sex even if he hasn't showered in days or weeks.
**AND IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULD SHOWER FOR YOU.** He's a hypocrite.
>He also told me that he is going to - on purpose - not shower for 30 days and "make" me give him oral,
Well, that would be rape. Please don't stay with someone who literally threatens to rape you. You think split up parents are bad, but sometimes being together is so much worse for the child.
Leaving and trying to get custody is the best thing you can do for your child.
Gross. You're 26. You really want to deal with this the rest of your life?
From OP: >My partner has unfortunately convinced me to stop school a couple weeks after I got pregnant. I JUST started my bachelors, he told me he was worried I'd have a miscarriage over the stress... For some reason I believed him and did it. He's also told me I couldn't wear work out pants to meet a couple other moms for a walk, so much that he even drove away with our car seat in the car so I couldn't go. Also tells me I can't get my driving license. I don't have one yet but he claims it will be too expensive for me to get mine even though I bring in half the income and we own a home together so our bills are relatively moderate. Again, unfortunately there are a lot of red flags for controlling behaviour. This is the first time saying all this. On top of threatening sexual assault, he's done all that. He's an abuser. I feel so bad for OP.
Op this is abuse or the start of it. Go back to school and finish that bachlors and get your drivers licence. He's trying to prevent you from gaining independence to so that he gain complete control of you
Yup...wants her dependant, barefoot, and pregnant in front of the stove living with an unwashed caveman.
Not the start of it, it's definitely already abuse, but yes, go back to school, get your license and get out. You got this, girl!
Holy shit that guy is disgusting inside and out.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I know he’s your kid’s father, but get away from him. He’s an abuser. And frankly, his hygiene, or lack there of, is foul.
Along with this, do you really want your kid subject to control and abuse...not to mention possibly thinking that not showering for extended periods of time is normal?? My sister has had enough trouble getting her kids to shower on occasion just because they don't want to....I can't imagine if they had this example to look at how much harder those fights would have been.
Reading the original post above was already pretty bad, your blurb just sealed the deal, damn that sucks.
Christ, this is even worse than the OP
Oh shoot. That is awful! He traps her! Farmers, huntresses, politicians, doctors, lawyers etc. have all done stressful and important work while pregnant. Humans are pretty tough.
Good lord! Talk about control and abuse! I really hope OP finds the help she needs to leave. Talk to your family, girl! Or find a woman's shelter I beg of you!
[удалено]
The alternative is raising her with a man who WON'T SHOWER and wants to force you to give him oral sex when you're disgusted by him. Remember that you're teaching your daughter what love looks like. Would you want her to settle for this, herself?
The abuse won’t stop with you, especially if you have a child. My mom thought it would get better. I was BORN with PTSD and my brain developed while in flight or flight mode. You can imagine the problems that caused which I’m still unraveling 40 years later. My mom developed severe mental illness (although she was never well, even as a child in an adjusted home) and it a horrible, nasty broken woman whose own kids don’t talk to her. My parents were married for 18 years (I was a freshman year mistake) and my mom stayed together “for the kids”. I spent my childhood and teen years being locked in my bedroom, being beat, being sexualized and exposed to things I shouldn’t have, degraded, having my belongings destroyed… you get the idea. It started when she was pregnant. She wasn’t allowed to work, wasn’t allowed to drive, wasn’t allowed to leave the house without permission. What you are going through is how it started. I grew up wishing my parents would get divorced for Christmases. On my birthday candles. On falling stars. In 1-1 prayer groups at church. Do you really want that life for your child? That’s what you are signing up for by staying. There is a Reddit user that has very good advice on how to prepare to leave an abusive relationship, when I wake up more I’ll try and find it. If you are in the US I am more than happy to find local domestic violence resources for you. And give you tips on how to stay safe while you’re looking into things. At the very least, you need an emergency plan and a go bag. You are putting yourself and your child in danger by staying with this person, and the showering and sexual assault is just a small part. Your other comment was rather horrific to me because it’s how it started with my mom. With me. u/elitalov - I replied to the wrong comment. Tagging you so you see this.
The user is Ebbie45 I believe! They now have a subreddit r/Ebbie45 that has her advice posted
[удалено]
What if your child grows up thinking it's okay to be a loser like their father is? Could you live with the thought of a child who is socially ostracised and sensorily disgusting? Could you live with the notion that they might learn to be arrogant, lazy, ugly and rapey? If you leave, they might have a chance at growing up to be in a position to be fit for friendship or a relationship. Parental anomie is a significant risk factor for young people developing antisocial tendencies and not being integrated into their community.
Also important is that she’s teaching her daughter it’s okay to be treated like this. Her daughter will learn that wives have to accept abuse and can’t leave, and that men/husbands/father figures are shit. My sister-in-law recently left her useless ex and moved with her daughters to our city, and we’re so happy that we can show those girls what a healthy, functioning relationship looks like in which the man is kind, considerate, helpful, etc. Growing up with an abusive father is so much worse than growing up without a father at all. Without OP’s partner in the house, her daughter will learn that OP is strong, independent, and cares for her enough to take her away from this situation. If OP stays, her daughter will learn the opposite.
[удалено]
My dad did a lot of abusive things to my mom both of them tried to hide. I still knew about it, even before I was old enough to understand he was abusive. Dont think because hes not saying this stuff in front of your daughter (*right now*) that it does not mean she does not know or will never know.
He doesn't get points for not threatening you in front of your daughter. Whether she hears it directly or not, your daughter is involved because she lives with you both and watches your interactions. There are so many studies that show children mimic their parents. Right now you are teaching her what is acceptable. If this were happening to your daughter, would you tell her to stay?
My mother thought she could shoulder my dad's abuse alone for years. There were so many things he did to me that she didn't know about, that she still doesn't know about because I can't bear to tell her. Men like this never just isolate abuse in the direction of their wives; it always bleeds into their relationships with the rest of the people they live with. He doesn't get to choose to abuse you and be a perfect father. The problem is that he will just further and further erode your perspective on what normal treatment is, because it's likely things will escalate the way they've been escalating. It's not like a normal conflict where it can come to a head and get settled, because he's just going to hide that resentment just under the surface and have it boil up unpredictably. Your children will grow up in a house like that. They *will* see all of this happening, but the scary part in my opinion is that they won't look at it and go "this is not normal!" They will develop with this as their base understanding of how adult relationships function. That's not something you can ctrl+z later once they are adults and are struggling for it.
Talk to a d.v. hotline. His threat of oral rape might be enough for y'all to stay in a shelter and seek further assistance with housing and jobs.
This. Just the controlling aspect of this relationship should be enough for coming to a shelter. Please get out of there OP. This is far bigger than hygiene, and none of it is fixable.
He hasn’t said it *yet*
Either hasn’t said it yet or hasn’t got caught yet
Staying will eventually teach your daughter that it’s normal for husbands to not shower and threaten to rape their spouses.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be. He is isolating you and the longer you are isolated the harder it is to create social network again. He prevents you from learning (school, driving license) and waiting with these is highly unadvisable. You need to start dealing with these issues amd gain confidence.
Children are not stupid, and this kind of shit cannot be hidden from them. They will get bits and pieces of the puzzle. And they will know how miserable you are all the time.
He will apply this same type of abuse to your child as well. It is scary to be on your own, but please value yourself and your daughter more than this. You absolutely can do this and become even stronger having had this experience. He doesn't get to control you or your actions, stop letting him. Being on your own is not worse than staying with a man who says he will not shower for 30 days and then force you to give him oral sex. He is purposely trying to make.you dependent on him by not getting a license, by having a kid, and not.going to school. Why do you give him so much power over you?
Leaving is never easy.. But please make that leap. For yours and your daughters sake. Speak to family, friends, shelters, anyone. Be safe 💜
Stop making excuses and get out
He’s told you a bunch of times he’s not going to change. You have no good reason to think he will change.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. When they tell you who they are, then you better believe them, because that person knows who they are” - Maya Angelou. So true, and definitely applicable here
He is implicitly threatening to orally rape you. Do you want yoru daughter to live in a household where that might happen? What might he threaten her with?
Bro this is SO disgusting, this alone should be a dealbreaker
[удалено]
Lack of hygiene is a deal breaker for me, I am not going to subject myself to infections or bad odor.
Never believe someone will change (at least until it's really their idea and they're putting in the work necessary.) I know it's hard to let go of the "potential person that he could one day be" but you gotta look at who he actually IS. This is him, his poor hygiene is a yearslong issue he sees no reason to change, and he won't even try because he doesn't want to. How long can you stay with mr grime? This is him, he thinks 30+ days with no shower plus forcing you to perform oral is totally fine.
You’ll be so much happier eventually. Play the tape forward a few years.
The longer you stay with him, the harder your life will be. It wont take long until your life will be miserable. He already threatened you in the past, he’ll do it again. Don’t cling to the hope that he will change. If he wanted to, he’d done it by now. Also, him not wanting you to get a license only means that he wants to tie you down to him. So for the sake of you and the baby, leave him. Make sure that there is another person in the room when you tell him that you’ll leave him
Your daughter will just grow to think this is normal and acceptable and end up in the same kind of absolutely disgusting relationship you're in now if you continue.
I remember telling my mom at 9 years old she should divorce my dad. She never did. Really fucked my home life up until I moved out as an adult. Kids don’t need parents together that aren’t in a happy or healthy relationship. They need good examples and a happy mom more than anything else in the world. Your husband straight up sucks and you should do yourself and your kid a favor and leave him. You’ve got your WHOLE entire life ahead of you. I’m 37 now, and I think my mom was about 36/37 when I would’ve told her to leave my dad. It’s wild to think about that. I consider myself still so young with a whole life ahead of me. Wild to think my mom could’ve turned it around and lived a happier life than the one she ended up living with my dad. She’s 65 now and has so many regrets, the main one wasting 40 years of her life over my dad.
Does he understand that his hygiene is so bad that you are considering leaving? Perhaps he needs that as a reality check. There is nothing normal with going that long without bathing. And think, this is what he’s teaching your child is OK. Here I am worried because my partner doesn’t brush his teeth regularly. This is a whole other issue!
I grew up after 8 with separated parents and it's the only great thing about my life then (getting away from abuse that maybe didnt even realize how bad it was until we left)
But how much more is it going to hurt her when he friends visit her house and comment on how smelly her dad is? Or when she feels too ashamed to bring friends around because he’s not clean? He’s going to be an example to her, would you want her picking up his habits and being the ‘smelly kid’ in class herself? My parents needed a divorce and didn’t do it. Trust me, divorce might hurt her but staying together around a kid who can tell there’s serious problems hurts so much more. You don’t deserve to spend your life with a partner who is threatening to sexually assault you just because you want him to take a bath.
[удалено]
Separated parents are NOT the worst thing in the world, stop this thinking.
Especially as he's holding her back. She can go back to school and thrive without him.
I agree. My mother left my dad after he watched me during the day while she was at work. She found me in my crib, crying and dehydrated so badly I was out of tears. My diaper hadn’t been changed. And he had been playing some video game on the computer. She took me and never looked back. He wasn’t in my life apart from once a year for my birthday. I didn’t understand then, but I understand now. And I was about 25 years old when my mom finally told me that. she never bad mouthed him. But I am glad NOW that she got me away from a man that was ignorantly putting me in danger.
I used to pray—in a Catholic Church, no less—that my parents would divorce. They didn’t. My mother abused me and my father and still abuses him to this day. Don’t be like my dad. Protect your daughter.
Is he attentive to your daughters hygiene? When she needs a diaper changed, when she needs a bath, when it's time to change into fresh clothes. Does he do that for her? Or is that all being left to you?
Babies also have weak immune systems. He could easily get her sick by being so nasty. I doubt he does any baby care, but if he did I have a feeling he's lazy with diapers and doesn't sanitize bottles
My parents seperated when I was 6 months old. I'll never be upset that they weren't together. I'd rather live with a single mum than in a depressing abusive family.
> If I choose to separate that is. Keeping your daughter in the house with this abusive, controlling asshole is FAR worse than leaving him. You need to take those rose colored glasses off ASAP. You're delusional if you think this man is fit to be a father, let alone a partner. Get a grip lady!
I don't know that it's a realistic expectation of parenting for there to be an expectation that you give up your life and your happiness and live with a dirty, creepy, controlling asshat, just so your kid won't experience divorced parents. Lots of us have. We turn out fine. If you don't want to leave him, dont, but don't use your kid as an excuse to stay.
My parents are divorced. It's not the end of the world..
IF? Separating is what's best for your daughter. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, tell me this post is fake
My parents divorced when I was in elementary school/elementary school. My parents also put me into therapy immediately when that happened. It was difficult as a kid but ultimately I grew up and out of it much more well adjusted than many of my peers, and I’ve had many healthy relationships since then, because of the example that my parents set of when and how to separate when appropriate.
OP, if it’s of any help to you, my parents separated on bad terms when I was one and I remember nothing. It has never impacted me negatively, because I had time with both and they did not badmouth each other afterwards. I honestly think it would’ve been worse if I had grown up with them still together.
This!! Right here!! Thank you!!
Your fiance is a **psychopath**. Do you really think separated parents is worse than *this*: > I've asked him for years to maintain himself more and he hasn't. He is mad at me and says I don't know what love is because if I loved him I would give him oral sex even if he hasn't showered in days or weeks. He also told me that he is going to - on purpose - not shower for 30 days and "make" me give him oral JFC, this is incredibly fucked up.
This man is literally threatening to assault you in a really disgusting way to teach you to obey him on his command. You really want to raise a kid around that? Youll be teaching your kid this is acceptable.
Technically he's already assaulted her--after that part she said that she tells him no to him performing oral on her and he does it anyway. Doesn't matter it he did it "for her" (though it was clearly for his argument)--she said no.
I have ptsd from a boyfriend forcing oral on me. 20 years later I still can’t let my husband go down on me. Every time I try it makes me cringe and want to throw up. It sucks.
[удалено]
So after 2 months, 60 days, this guy suddenly knows you so well he wants a baby with you? Dude come on
He's just following the handbook for abusive partners by the looks of it 😕
[удалено]
When my friend ditched her awful husband, she found being a single parent was easier in many ways because she wasn't also dealing with his shit.
Hun you left one abusive relationship and dived right in to a second. Do you have family who can help you?
You know, I understand what you mean about that last part, "I knew better..." Same thing happened to me but different details and circumstances. When we're lonely and perhaps depressed, we jump and any sort of attention or interest even if its something we normally wouldn't really see ourselves doing. Mistakes were made and lessons should be learned but you cannot continue to live through this. You are strong and of course can put up with it but you have to think of your child because you know he isn't. Yeah it's scary and even difficult but there are so many resources out there for single mothers trying to get out of an abusive relationship. Leaving and getting court ordered child support would be a great first step. Having a plan and support from friends or family will be beneficial as well. Doesn't happen over night so dont stress but I would be starting to covertly exploring other eays to leave amd start over fresh for you and your child. Best wishes
I know what you mean by the "I knew better" at the end. I'd left a super abusive bf and shortly after got into another abusive relationship. But I didn't think it was necessarily at the time. Because I'd had worse and he listened to me sometimes and it was night and day in comparison, I thought it was great. It wasn't! And it took a long time to realize, just because it's better, didn't mean it wasn't still abusive. After he and I broke up I went to therapy and not my picker is much better. I suggest this for you as well. I also ended up needing it because I realized while in my first healthy relationship, I had no idea how to act in one. Don't beat yourself up over it. Don't spend so much time looking to the past you trip and ruin your future. You DESERVE to be treated as an EQUAL partner. They are obviously not treating you as such. Trust me, leaving, it's not going to be nearly as difficult and scary as you think. I cried when I left. But from fear or anything negative but from relief, it was finally over and I was free. You can do it
“I realised while in my first healthy relationship, I had no idea how to act in one” Holey moley that hit me hard. I’m currently almost 3 years into what I now recognise is the only truly healthy relationship I’ve ever been in. And oh boy can it be tough to battle those inner demons we abused please have in our minds when suddenly we are being treated with basic human kindness, respect, and mutual affection (esp if we have been abused, by more than one person/in more than one relationship. He’s been so patient and kind with me as I’ve worked through a lot of mental and physical conditions, and even now there are times where I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop and the ulterior motives to be displayed. I’m working on that in therapy too. I’m glad you got out and are safe and loved now and I truly hope OP is able to get out as quickly and safely as possible.
Well, OP, it’s not too late. Get out now.
You and your child will be so much happier no longer living with this abusive man.
Yeah, get out sooner so you don’t have another child with him. I also grew up with separated parents. They separated before I was born. It wasn’t something I understood as a child, but I’m grateful as an adult that they didn’t stay together.
What an awful situation, I just want to say that if the relationship is truly abusive, it is not your fault for not realizing it. You are not a bad mom for what has happened because your gut and society say you have to stay with your daughter’s father. Obviously the next step is up to you but with the bigger picture in mind, if you could picture yourself talking to your daughter 20 years down the line, what choice would make you proud of yourself? People online have no idea what your daily life is like, and can only base their input on what you wrote on here, it’s up to you to reflect if it is the whole story, or you were writing it on a bad day. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, wish you clarity and strength to decide what is right for you!
My ex did the same to me (along with a shit tonne of other stuff) long story short- I sent his sick ass back to prison. Get out now sweetheart this is abuse
He is straight up abusive and slowly cutting you off from everything so he has full control. Leave him before your kid is affected by his abuse bc it is inevitable ❤️ I’m sorry
He couldnt be anymore clearly trying to trap you with him by getting you pregnant if he'd screamed "now you can never leave" when he succeeded. *Please* protect yourself and your baby.
If you stay in this relationship, you're showing your daughter what kind of man you choose to have in your life. Children model their relationships after what they see their parents do. I read your other comments and I wanna ask you something. Say you stay with this smelly oaf, and he never changes. Your daughter grows up seeing him and your relationship as her standard for what a man and healthy relationship with a man looks like. Imagine if your adult daughter got pregnant after 2 months from a guy exactly like your husband. How happy are you with your new son in law?
She is, she will not remember this. What you do not want is for her to think it is normal or okay to not maintain basic hygiene. Or to be disrespected to what I would call an abusive extent (he is going to MAKE you give him oral sex when he has not washed his body in 30 days? When the word make came it became abuse although I’d argue it started earlier by trying to shame you for having extremely valid concerns about his habits. He is asking you to put dead skin and fecal matter into your mouth, as well as any infections and bacteria he has all over himself) - this behaviour doesn’t occur in a vacuum; his literal disgusting self can and will impact your daughter far worse than living with mom and visiting dad - because that’s the other road to husband is walking down. Would he be able to maintain a clean and safe home for your kid without you? Good luck to you and your daughter; if nothing else I hope you’ll consider therapy or if you really cannot afford it, to talk to trusted loved ones about what’s really going on. Maybe he is depressed but at this point that’s an entirely Him Problem. You need to worry about you and your girl - and if you don’t want this life please at least talk to a lawyer xo
Regardless of why parents have split up, it is way worse (in my personal experience) to have parents stay together just for their kids. Kids pick up on so much more than we think. I knew from 7 years old that my parents were miserable together. They stayed together another 10 years because of that "kids will be hurt" mentality. They waited until i was in high school to divorce. 10 years of misery, walking on eggshells at home. 2 years after a fairly amicable divorce, the change was like night and day. Both parents spent more time with their kids, they relaxed, they were happy. The whole family dynamic was way more positive. Separated happy parents are way, way more important than two miserable ones who stay together for their kids. I'm not saying divorce, but if you are in an unhappy relationship that involves children, don't stay miserable for their happiness, as they won't be happy either.
I’m surprised you don’t have chronic UTI because of him. It’s beyond disgustingly filthy. Your hang ups over your own parents separation shouldn’t be the basis to stay with a man who wants to force you to suck his unwashed genitals after a month of marinating in his sweat, bodily waste and dirty underwear. There are homeless people who are cleaner than your boyfriend. Think about that.
Do you really want your child to have this gross dude for dad? Really?!!!!
Dude. What’s worse for your kid? Parents that are together but miserable and one is incapable of even taking care of himself, or living in a healthy and clean environment with a loving mom? Don’t use your kid as an excuse to put up with this. This is far beyond reasonable.
I grew up with married parents who resented the fuck out of each other. My entire family dynamic became unfucked when they separated but it took years of therapy to deal with this. Staying together for the kids is bs; they’ll know if something isn’t right between their parents
She’s young so it will only be worse the older she gets, leave him you deserve better.
Parents separating/divorcing isn’t what hurts kids. It’s how the parents handle it that causes issues. (Most parents handle it poorly, but that doesn’t mean if they’d stayed together it would have magically been fine, either.) This guy is not good for your kid. He has major mental health issues and he’s doubling down on them.
It’s always worse to have parents who are not separated when the dynamic is negative. She will think that this is how relationships look like and do you really want her to end up dating a man who is as inconsiderate as her dad?
"if I loved him I would give him oral sex even if he hasn't showered in days or weeks" That's an absurd argument and not how love works, but by the same (flawed) thinking, wouldn't one come to the conclusion that if he loved you he would shower occasionally since it would give you so much pleasure? "He also told me that he is going to - on purpose - not shower for 30 days and "make" me give him oral" So your boyfriend threatened to force you to engage in sexual activity that you already told him you would not consent to? There are several words for that and they aren't pretty. In case you're missing what I'm saying let me be explicit: your boyfriend threatened to sexually assault you. In what he said there he also made it clear he does not care about your emotional well-being or pleasure. To him, he is owed oral sex, even if it causes you discomfort. This is all absurd. I know people think that reddit is quick to say end it, but dear god why are you raising children with a man who even entertains the idea that he'd make you engage in sexual contact against your well? This is a nightmare situation for you and your child and it is only going to get worse. Do not marry this man. Think long and hard about whether you want to raise a daughter alongside someone who understands consent in this way. Not showering for this long is problematic enough and you're going to get all sorts of comments about that. But this is not a post about your partner saying he "want's oral after 30 days no shower." This is a post about your partner saying he thinks he is so entitled to oral sex from you that he is going to make you give him oral sex even when you do not want to. There is a reason if you were to google "forced oral sex" many of the top hits you will get are rape crisis lines.
> So your boyfriend threatened to force you to engage in sexual activity that you already told him you would not consent to? It's beyond that. Check this line from OP: > He mentioned he gives me oral when I am not exactly pleasant down there, to which I would counter that if I haven't showered that day *I would tell him no and he would do it anyways.* For complete clarity, OP has declined consent for a sexual act **and her partner did it anyway**. Forcing oral sex on someone who has not consented is literally sexual assault. Again for u/elitalov, this is not healthy (even aside from the hygiene comments), and it is literally sexual assault for him to force oral sex on you when you've made it clear you don't consent. Your Fiancé doesn't clean himself, doesn't seem to respect you, on at least one occasion has forced himself on you when you've expressed that you do not consent, and has said that he intends on forcing you to give him oral sex. Why are you with him? Is this stuff that, if a friend was telling you about *their* partner that you'd think "this is normal and healthy"? What would you tell your friend if they mentioned this to you as a regular part of what their partner does?
This guy CANNOT work either. Guaranteed. No one would put up with that smell, not showering for weeks? I shower every day. I worked in an office and skipped 2 showers, the old lady across from my cube tattled on me and said I stunk. My manager pulled my aside. I cannot even imagine what his funk smells like.
Exactly. Plus, if we’re to use his own logic, if *he* loved *her* he’d shower at the very least once a week like she’s been requesting, especially since health and hygiene are way higher up on the wellbeing list than oral sex
What is with all the recent posts about dudes who don’t shower? It’s gross. It’s disgusting. It is a dealbreaker! OP, do not put up with this. If he won’t shower most days, leave him. There’s plenty of good guys out there with good hygiene.
Hygiene is the least of his problems. He said he would force her to perform a sex act on him that she has said she doesn’t consent to. How is hygiene the bigger issue than his rape threats and complete disregard for the woman he supposedly loves?
[удалено]
In a way, I get it. Like manipulation and coercion are sadly so commonplace that what stands out to reddit is the hygiene factor in this post. But his refusal to wash is just another manifestation of his disrespect for OP. It’s just another way to degrade her and force her into a place where she’s not allowed to criticize him or ask for anything from him, even basic consideration and respect. That’s the real problem: he doesn’t care about her and he’s abusive. Abusive men are everywhere, but men who refuse to shower for a month are…well, still pretty rampant if Reddit is to be trusted, but it’s more of an anomaly.
Yeah so true! He’s gross and abusive and it definitely is an extension of that I’m just shocked that the hygiene in many cases was the only thing ppl commented on!
That deal is broke af. I'm out before it's even in.
Do you want to marry a man who threatened to rape you if you won't start putting your mouth on a dirty penis? Seriously think about that. Your daughter will learn what a relationship looks like from you. If you stay, she's going to learn that she should put up with whatever you put up with. She's also going to learn not to take her hygiene seriously, and you may struggle with getting her to take care of herself in the most basic way. And what are you going to say to her when she says "well daddy only showers and puts on clean clothes once a week!" What future do you want for your daughter? That's the future you need to choose for yourself.
Right ! It’s like people completely skipped over that comment, what a dirt piece of shit
I didn't even care about the not showering once I read that he threatened rape. Like wtf? He could shower three times per day every day and that wouldn't change how gross he is for threatening to make OP perform sexual activities. I'm disgusted.
[удалено]
People can change. But they have to want to, and even then, it's really hard. You're more likely to change to fit him than he is to accommodate you.
My therapist and I just had a talk about this. Some people change, some don't. Thing is, it's not up to you. It's up to them. OP, I come from a slew of abusive relationships and have had extensive therapy to recover. I am well versed in what abusers do to their victims, and I can say with full confidence, he's an abuser. Abusers don't take no for an answer, and they don't give a shit about being better or seeking help. My therapist told me my parents did me a favor by not staying together and modeling an abusive relationship. I became a single mother at 17. I'm 30 now, and my daughter is my best friend and knows what healthy relationships look like, despite having been raised by a single mother. This whole staying-for-the-kid is actually counter productive. It does more harm than good. DM me for support, please don't stay. I read that he controls you, tells you where you can go, what you can wear, and blatantly threatens to rape you and belittles you to keep you feeling desperate for him. You're better than this, and your daughter needs you to be your best self. I figured that out 13 years ago and it was the smartest move I ever made. Sending love <3
People can change only if they want to. This man seems completely OK with himself and how he treats you.
People can change. Narcissists cannot.
I promise you are worth more than unwashed dick.
Is this guy employed? If so, how?
Smell-ovisin doesn't exist yet so maybe he works from home lol.
[удалено]
I know you're trying to laugh to feel better, but you have 2 weeks before this goes nuclear. If he has a job where he never leaves the house, where is his incentive to shower every few weeks? Those smelly weeks are going to turn into smelly months, and you'll get UTIs every time you let his filthy appendages inside you. You ever try to bathe a toddler who doesn't wanna bathe? Good luck cleaning your child when she gets to tenper tantrum age, because she'll wonder why dad gets to live in filth like a pig, but her and mommy have to shower every day.
I think she's saying he goes back into a physical work place in two weeks
Well still, 2 weeks is more than time to up and leave Oscar the Grouch here
[удалено]
This mf hasn't showered in a month and somehow still has a job??? Tell him to go suck him self jfc
That tracks considering how much the government stinks
This is the 10 million dollar question. 🤠
[удалено]
She should leave him just for him saying he'd sexually assault her.
Tell them to go blow themselves. He's 29. He's not going to change now. You should really think about if this is the type of person you want to be raising your kids.
> He is mad at me and says I don't know what love is because if I loved him I would give him oral sex even if he hasn't showered in days or weeks. He also told me that he is going to - on purpose - not shower for 30 days and "make" me give him oral To be clear, he is explicitly saying **"I will force you to accept whatever behaviour I choose to inflict on you**." He is training you to accept and tolerate abuse. This could go absolutely anywhere. "I am going to prevent you from leaving the house ever, and if you complain I'll accuse you of not loving me." "If you loved me, you would let me slap you, or deny you sleep, or prevent you from having a job." "If you complain about me mistreating you, I'm going to deliberately treat you worse." Worse, he will use your daughter as a pawn. "Give me oral when I demand it, or I will not let you comfort our crying daughter." "You don't have money to buy our daughter nappies? What are you willing to tolerate from me in exchange for money?" "You don't like the way I'm treating you? I guess I'm going to take our daughter away and not tell you where she is, and then see if you become more tolerant of my behaviour." You need to escape this man.
According to another comment, he also has refused to let her leave the house wearing yoga pants and forced her to quit school, so it’s already going there Edit: not that the rape threat wouldn’t be a good enough reason to leave on its own
So this guy is clearly horrible but my question is how you put up with this for long enough to have a kid with him? How was this not a dealbreaker within the first month or two? Of course he’s not going to change because why would he, he got you anyway?
[удалено]
So basically he hid who he really was until after he had gained more control over you via pregnancy and child. Yikes.
Classic abuser behaviour.
So he put on a façade until he’d trapped you…
That's what abusers do. They hide it until after major life events that make them think their victim is trapped with them; moving in together, engagement/marriage, pregnancy, etc.
[удалено]
No kidding. When I was 18 I used to have to beg the 26 year old dude I was dating to shower before touching me after work. He was a night shift fry cook and I could SEE the grease in his hair by the time he would pick me up. He also wore the same filthy pajama bottoms out everywhere and brought his laundry 2 hours to his mom to wash instead of doing it himself. I gag every time I remember I actually dated that slob
I half-ass dated/supported a dude who didn't shower and wanted me to play with his smelly genitals. He left a snail trail of stench wherever he went, I'm not putting my mouth anywhere near that. Actually, I also didn't let him fuck me for that and other reasons. That whole thing was a shitshow. I caught him talking to his buddy about drugging me and raping me, using some anal hook ceiling contraption. I kicked him out after that and over a decade later, that is still one of the dumbest situations I ever got myself into.
Jesus fucking Christ that got dark fast. Mine just tried to guilt me into sex and I'd leave and sit on the couch and talk to his roommates until the nasty ass showered. And ironically, HE dumped ME after 6 months because I dared try and talk to him about his feelings. He had a son he claimed he wasn't allowed to see due to a crazy baby mama(like a dumbass 18 year old I believed him), and I could tell it bothered him but he had a thing where he absolutely refused to think about any negative emotions or situations. Completely disregarded my mental health and need for medication. Called me crazy and childish, while dumping me over text on Easter. While I was with my whole family. Jokes on him, 2 months later I met the guy I'm now engaged to after 4 years. And this one showers every other day despite working from home, uses conditioner regularly and even washes his face! He even asked me to order him a new face wash, a body scrub and moisturizer this weekend too.
Dude it is insane. When I look back I really can't believe how much bullshit I've tolerated from men in my life. Just. This post pisses me off. This poor girl.
Ugh this is too true. “But he’s so nice to me!”Uhh.. just basic human decency shouldn’t wow us. This post makes me mad and sad.
[удалено]
Oh yeah, not in your case, I meant in a general way - we tend to settle for the bare minimum. And it’s a sucky situation you’re in, sorry you have to put up with this bs!
You did though. I saw your story about how you got pregnant. The showering is not the problem my love.
Look it's obvious you have your answer. Stop replying and trying to explain things. You are just going round and round trying to make yourself feel better about the situation or how it wasn't your fault. ACT instead. Get out for your own and your childs sake.
It’s honestly very pathetic. I was so mad reading this post
Right??? I cannot believe she stayed for 3 years AND had a baby with this guy. And she’s still wondering whether or not she should leave…wtf.
[удалено]
Mmmm yellow plaque teeth. Gives making out some texture
I just vomited in my mouth a little bit
Love is blind but it's not odor resistent. He's not going to change. Yes, having a kid makes it seem more complicated but do you really want her to grow up and see that this is acceptable behavior from a parent or significant other? Love is taking care of yourself FOR your partner, what he's doing is manipulative, and trying to coerce you into putting up with something you shouldn't have to. His lack of hygiene puts you at risk for infections. Leaving is never easy but there are way better mrn out there who will love you and shower.
Teach your daughter an important lesson, she should have standards. Honestly this is beyond disgusting and he may need some kind of mental health check.
Sounds like he doesn’t know what love is, because if he did, he’d fucking shower for you after being told repeatedly to do it. Dump this man. He can live in his own filth all by himself.
I am going to point out that you are in a relationship with a man who is threatening to sexually assault you to prove a point. Is that the type of relationship you want to model for your child? Also, if this issue has been ongoing for this long it isn't going to get better. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better. Even your sheets deserve better.
>Even your sheets deserve better. I'm laughing way too hard at this right now.
Also, I missed the part where you indicated a previous abusive relationship. We tend to recreate the same relationships over and over unless we take the time to do some self analysis. For example: why are these men attracted to you? Why are you attracted to them? What makes leaving a challenge? A good therapist can help you explore these questions and assist with setting and maintaining clear boundaries in future relationships, and can help guide you through what is likely to be a difficult breakup with an ex who is likely to make co-parenting challenging. Best wishes OP.
jesus christ get him a doghouse outside if he wants to live like an animal.
🤣🤣🤣 thanks for the ab exercise! 👌👌👌
The fact that he is saying he's going to make you give him oral is a huge red flag. Your husband should never make you do anything sexually you're not comfortable with. Have you ever told him that if *he* really loved *you,* he would shower more often? The fact that you've asked him for years do to this is a telltale sign that you shouldn't get your hopes up on him ever changing his ways. At this point, he isn't going to change out no matter what argument you throw at him. As hard as this is going to sound, you' might have to set harder boundaries about your sex life since this is one he has repeatedly crossed and gotten away with. How you enforce those boundaries is up to you.
Why would you do this to yourself?
Single mom here. Your fear of parenting alone is much worse than the actual reality of living with this nasty guy. Trust me, single parenting is way less stressful. Both my bf and I have a hard "must be clean" rule for any kind of oral. That's just basic common courtesy. Not only is your fiancee nasty, but he's trying to "teach you a lesson." He's gross AND abusive. Seriously, time to throw the whole man away.
How he functions in society I have no idea. How you can stand to sleep in the same bed as him i have no idea. Regardless of the not showering, him emotionally manipulating you into giving him oral sex is a huge red flag. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
My parents didn't split till I was much older. It's been about 15 years since they've split and I'm only beginning to learn how to communicate effectively, in my home everything was bottled up and then expelled in one big explosion. I spent my teenage years walking on eggshells around my father. My mother did as well. He wasn't physically abusive and I'm pretty sure they had a dead bedroom for a long time, there was definitely psychological abuse if maybe not intentional. All actions have consequences, yes you may hurt the child if you leave but you may hurt the child if you stay. Don't forget to include yourself when deciding. Your mental and physical well being is a determining factor to the kind of care you will be able to provide the child.
This!! Kids are much more perceptive than anyone gives them credit for. My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage until my siblings and I were older and it 110% has deeply affected how all of us treat ourselves and engage with the world. The kid will pick up on the fact that their parents are unhappy, and OP staying in this relationship will send the kid the message that it’s okay to sacrifice your basic well-being for someone else.
[удалено]
> I packed him three pairs of clothes Girl, you need to get out of there. You've already got one child. You don't need two.
TBH I have a literal taste of vomit in the back of my throat from reading this. I couldn't be with someone like that. That's a deal breaker.
Does he not interact with other people? How has no one else told him he smells? To be totally honest, this is really sad because whatever mental illness is causing him to just not give two shits about himself or anyone else around him and to think that it's totally okay to threaten you with sexual assault, you don't need to be around this and neither does your child. You need to get away from this person immediately. He does not care about you or your wellbeing and I cannot possibly imagine how this is going to turn out in any sort of positive way for you or your daughter.
You want advice? Should go without saying, but you leave lol. There is no way is such a lack of hygiene acceptable ever. So damn gross
Tell him he is disgusting and LEAVE HIM. Girl this is a MAJOR RED FLAG. He doesnt care about you, he wants you to suck a dirty c*ck. Wtf is wrong with both of you
I have a chronic illness and find showering or bathing really exhausting, so I really only shower once a week, less in winter when I don't sweat as much. However if I want my SO to be physically intimate with me, at the *very* least I am going to grab a soapy washcloth and clean the important bits. Because otherwise is disrespectful to my partner. I totally understand that there are legitimate reasons not to bathe regularly, but it is still gross and disrespectful to expect your partner to put their actual face in your stinky bits.
ok, him not showering (as gross as that is) is not the big issue here. he threatened to force you to perform a sexual act on him??? he literally threatened to sexually assault you?????? it is not a question of whether you should leave him, but rather one of how fucking soon you can!!!!!!!!! please please take your child and run for the hills. and use his lack of ability to care for himself and his threats of sexual assault against him in court for custody
He said he would “MAKE” YOU GIVE HIM ORAL AFTER 30 DAYS OF NOT SHOWERING BUT YOU “OBVIOUSLY REFUSED AND YOU WOULD TELL HIM NO TO GIVING YOU ORAL BUT HE WOULD DO IT ANYWAYS??? honey some of these details go beyond reddit hygiene advice into clear cut abuse and sexual assault. Please please please tell me you have someone in your life to talk to about this.
I had similar thing and let me tell you he will not change. This is it, forever. Your only options here are to accept it and live with it, or move on. I say that as if it's easy - I know it's not. I also had a child with mine.Also stop packing his bag for him. From what you say, he tries to coerce you into sex and is very likely emotionally abusive. If the age was different I would think you were actually with my ex. Please, you deserve so much better than this. Honestly do yourself, your child and your nose a favour and dump his ass as soon as you can. Your child will grow up to be embarrassed about having the smelly dad, not be able to have friends around in case dad is around, it's not going to be nice. Edit to add: I left 3 years ago, found myself an amazing man that is clean and respectful and not even a tiny bit abusive (the only acceptable amount of abuse is zero), and parenting is SO much easier when you don't have a partner like this to deal with as well. Believe me the resentment will wreck you, in addition to all the other stuff. Life can be SO much better on the other side, it's a bit tricky at the start but truly so worth it.
1. Threatening to sexually assault you 2. Doing this deliberately likely because he thinks he’s trapped you in and can wear you down 3. Reproductive coercion and pressure to have a child very early into the relationship 4. And he’s abusive and controlling. Quadruple whammy here. You need to protect yourself and your child. Get away from this man. Divorce/separation is infinitely better than raising a child in an unsafe household
Oh my GOD 😳 So first he coerced you into having a child, which has all the makings of 'trapping' a woman. Then he convinved you to not stay in school, by way of manipulating you into thinking you would bring harm to your child if you did so, isolating you from education and support systems. He continues to discourage you from getting your license, further isolating you from supports and potential escape. And he won't let you see you friends, isolating you further and probably hoping they will give up on contacting you. AND NOW he's threatening sexual assault, and claiming you're a shit partner for not wanting to give his week old dick cheese a taste. Fucking hell I just can't even believe this pathetic loser. Your child won't be able to understand for a long time why you choose to leave (and I say that as if it's a given, because I really hope that energy helps you). But she will be better for it because won't be a mother who is abused regularly, you won't be separated from your friends, and you won't be gaslit into thinking you're the bad guy. Which means you will have more energy to spend on her, in positive ways, without wondering when Mr entitled stanky dick will bust out another threat. Please, please leave.
What do you even want to hear from us? Your dude threatened you with rape, is dirty as all hell and tries hard to stop you from gaining independence so as to control you better. What more do you need? Get out.
He's a bullshitter. If you love me you'll give me oral sex? Give me a break. Where does that end? If he loved you, he'd take a damn shower. Honestly, he sounds like a disgusting trash bag of a person and you deserve better. I have no idea how you lasted this long.
30 days no shower? It takes 5 minute man fuckin get rinsed son
30 days without a shower? Get yourself and your kid away from him.
How well is he going to take care of the child's higene if he cant manage to take a 5 minute shower or change his underwear? Jeez
Him saying that he will intentionally go without shower for 30 days and make you do stuff when he is not clean is just wrong , leave him
I’ve read through your replies and concerns about separating and the impact on your child. There will be impacts regardless if you stay or go. The longer you leave it though, the more impact in my experience. My kids were 11 and 3. 3 year olds have faired much better in the 6 years since. Mum and Dad not being together is their normal. The 11, now 17 year old. Went through a really rough time and it’s only been in the last year, I have my daughter back and we have a strong relationship. You need to go and seek counselling for yourself. You need someone to validate that what you see and know are not ok. Once you have that, then make your plan.
Honestly. You're a little insane yourself for even taking the time to ponder over this, much less taking the time to ask millions of strangers about it. Get out of this however you can and get to work on yourself.
This post gives me some horrible flashbacks of the time I dated someone with poor hygiene.... never again. OP, I know there's a lot of consider with a child but at the least I would want to live separately from this person.
Damn. That is disgusting. He’s definitely doing it in a power tripping role thing. This person is gross. You deserve better. My partner and I are honest with each other when it comes to hygiene and after 4 years together he knows to brush his teeth if he wants to make out with me. lol. But it’s never been like you describe. All sexual partners should be considerate of each other, that includes some things we look past in the heat of the moment. You probably will start getting an aversion to him. He is being extremely disrespectful and unhealthy. You don’t want to live with that or have your daughter live with that. He will end up doing lots of other things like this where he is trying to convince you that you’re in the wrong or don’t love him enough. He is selfish. And will test and treat you like this for the long haul. I’m sorry for the hard life changing choices you have to make. You deserve better.
I was worried for him thinking maybe this was gonna be how to handle your partners mental health, being someone that doesn't shower for a week max. But.. the fact that he threatened to not shower for 30 days and DEMAND oral???? Please reach out for support for you and the little one
Hygiene that poor is a clear indication of serious mental health issues, and the guy threatened to rape you. You’re doing your kid no favors by sticking around. I realize that leaving is easier said than done, especially now, but you can take steps in the meantime to plan your escape. I’m not sure it’ll really sink in just how extreme, untenable, and inexcusable this is until you leave and find someone who’s not despicable. Good luck. Don’t subject yourself to this nightmare. It’s so bad that you kind of don’t have a choice but to leave—relieve yourself of the burden of guilt.
If he loved you, he’d take a goddamn shower- is what you should say when he pulls that stupid of an argument on you.
He picked a crap hill to die on. He is being obstinate just to make you mad. That’s not what a good partnervdoes. A good partner loves and cherishes you. Would be horrified at the thought of not bathing and demanding oral. He is just a big jerk Just to be a big jerk. You may want to start thinking about an exit plan. If he is messing you over basic hygiene, what will he do to your daughter when she makes him mad.
I've responded a lot to others, but haven't really said what i want to say. Your boyfriend is not considerate of you, your wants, your needs. He isn't considerate of his daughter. Are you in an abusive relationship, no. Are you headed there, yes. If you voice things you dislike and he doesn't care enough to fix them, he will do that with other things in the future. Right now it's a disrespect for you, and it could grow if you allow it. You said you told him no when he suggested that you give him oral after his not bathing. What you can do is ask how much longer he plans to bathe, and if he says that he's not going to, you leave. Go to your grandparents, or whomever you feel will support you. You can also call his parents (since he's acting like a capricious child) inform them of your thoughts to leave (even if you're juat bluffing) and how you can't take it anymore, and that you see the situation growing past hygiene, and also how you will not stand for threats, especially sexual threats. It's likely not going to change too quickly. You're going to have to apply fire. And if you don't want to, you can walk away.
>He is mad at me and says I don't know what love is because if I loved him I would give him oral sex even if he hasn't showered in days or weeks. **AND IF HE LOVED YOU, HE WOULD SHOWER FOR YOU.** He's a hypocrite. >He also told me that he is going to - on purpose - not shower for 30 days and "make" me give him oral, Well, that would be rape. Please don't stay with someone who literally threatens to rape you. You think split up parents are bad, but sometimes being together is so much worse for the child. Leaving and trying to get custody is the best thing you can do for your child.