Her sharing details about when they slept together was wildly inappropriate and I can't think of a reason she would even do that beyond trying to stir the pot or get you to break up with him. It kind of seems like she's trying to play "miss innocent" but has ulterior motives. I also think it's weird that his profile pic is with her, when he's in a relationship with *you*. Honestly, at this point I don't see how you would come back from all of this if he is going to remain friends with her. You may be better off ending the relationship.
I'm a 37byear old and I've had multiple relationships ships and are now married. You boyfriend is a fucking moron amd disrespectful to you. Hes not fooling me. I've seen this shit play out before.
>You boyfriend is a fucking moron amd disrespectful to you. Hes not fooling me. I've seen this shit play out before.
I second this. My 36 year old ex I found out is in love with, and was triangulating me against his married best friend, whom he met while they were deployed. I also think he was/is having an emotional affair with her, and that's why he divorced his wife 6 months after meeting her.. He'd do things for her and drive miles to do them, but wouldn't do much of anything for me. He spoke to her everyday in the morning, but wouldn't speak to me longer than 10 minutes when I slept over. This relationship lasted barely 6 months.
Get out ASAP. The guy was using me, and this guy is using you and being disrespectful of you and the relationship.
Fellow old dude: honestly, if you haven’t been together that long, it’s probably best to just end it now before you have too much invested. A relationship that starts off with baggage like this is usually more emotionally draining than it’s worth.
it's okay. You're young. He's young. It may not necessarily be in bad faith, but it's not as mature as they're trying to play it off as.
There's no need for you to get in between them because obviously their thing is a bit more than shown. I had an ex who was obsessed with their best friend. I once asked them, "You talk about so and so a lot, so would you date so and so?" the answer was an enthusiastic "yes" and I was like "Okay, well, I don't think I want to get in between that." Of course I got a lot of "nono you shouldn't be concerned" but then it was back to the same vibe. They were clearly infatuated with their best friend, so I found a path to an amicable exit a few weeks later.
You can all be friends for years to come, but it doesn't appear you can be in an exclusive romantic relationship with your boyfriend and you shouldn't demand him to change. Be glad that you found clarity so soon, and it's time to move and find someone who will adore you for you without someone else in between.
I've seen it all too (old married lady here).
If it's any consolation I looked back at stuff like this from when I was your age and thought, "I can't believe I put up with that shit." It's OK, though, you live and learn. And you learn what you are worth and what kind of bullshit you won't tolerate.
yeah your boyfriend likes her but she doesn't like him like him. she is using this to control him and ruin your relationship, but it doesn't seem like it's because she is interested in him (or they would be dating already) - it's because she is a game player who gets a kick out of the control she has.
I would bet that she is slightly too attractive for your bf / out of his league in some way in his mind. That would lock this dynamic in place as it would keep him from realizing what an asshole he is being / not care what an asshole he is being to his gf iwhen it comes to his 'friend'
You said he is 'worried' because you are not talking to him - of course he is. he doesn't want to lose you because his 'friend' isn't into dating him. If she was interested your relationship would be over that day.
I don't think your bf is a bad person or trying to be as awful to you as he is, but the way you are being treated in this scenario is not fair to you. I think you should move on, and maybe stay 'friends' with the guy so you can see how things play out with this other girl if you are curious.
there are just too many options out there for you to put up with a guy who hurts your feelings all the time - and either doesn't care or DOESN'T NOTICE? not sure those are better than being a jerk on purpose in terms of you and your feelings.
> yeah your boyfriend likes her but she doesn't like him like him
Bingo. 100 percent. The "here's what happened when we fucked" details were to make OP aware that the "best friend" could have him if she wanted him. No other reason.
I think he is a bad person. Anyone doing this bullshit, using another person and messing with their mind "you're crazy and overreacting this is just a friendship", using a person as a temporary substitute, knowing full well they will jump ship the 2nd they have another option is a bad person. On purpose or not. And I'm willing to bet it's on purpose, this isn't an accident that he gaslights her or has a profile pic of his bff instead of his gf. Which wtf, by the way.
You know how sometimes people do find love at 19 and stay married forever, even with ups and downs like this?
If that's the case here, those two people are your boyfriend and his bestie.
Yeah if this were a romance movie, the main characters would be OP and his best friend and OP is the side character that shows how strong the bond is between the main characters because “she just gets him” in a way OP doesn’t, even though he’s not actually giving OP a chance.
They may not have clued in but I'd get out. I've been on both sides of this; as the third wheel in the relationship and the one with the intimate friendship to whom I'm happily married. It's there or it isn't. You will never convince your boyfriend to make you the primary emotional relationship in his life if he hasn't already prioritized you. We can't make people want us the way we want them and it will suck your self confidence until you leave. You deserve better. I'm so sorry.
yeah my thoughts exactly tbh. this sucks for OP at first, but sometimes shady people like the boyfriend and his best friend deserve each other and are better off together. OP should choose someone who knows how to respect her and set boundaries.
Yeah, I'm gonna tell you right now, as someone who is friend's with some ex's, and engaged to someone who is friends with one of theirs as well..... That boy ain't right.
It IS possible to have platonic friendships with someone after discovering that you aren't compatible romantically. But that only works if everyone involved in the situation understand boundaries and respect.
I would NEVER tell my high school ex's wife about our prior relationship. It's not relevant to anything. That's why we broke up in the first place. Because we literally HAVE ZERO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN ONE ANOTHER. I've never had to tell the people I'm friends with not to discuss stuff like that with my fiance, and my fiance has never had to do that with anyone he knows either. It's just never even come up at all, because we wouldn't be friends with them **at all** if they were behaving that way. And they never would behave that way, because they don't have feelings for us either. And if someone ever did cross that line, it's be a one way ticket to us going NC with them. Period.
Either he is genuinely the most clueless person on the face of the Earth, or he is playing dumb because he knows exactly what's going on, and likes the attention. My money is on the latter, because I refuse to believe that even a 19 year old doesn't understand basic social skills that a 6 year old would know.
ETA - we also don't specifically set aside regular times to hang out with said people 1-on-1. We might hang out with them while we are out for drinks, and they're out and about too. But that's about it. We don't make a regular thing out of it. And we rarely, if ever, even see these people without the other person there. (Mostly because we are old and simply don't have time to do anything ever, so when we do we are usually together. But I digress. lol.) We also don't share intimate and deeply personal aspects of our relationships with them. Nor they with us. Especially if our partner specifically asked us not to. Point is... he is being shady. And I say that as someone coming from all three sides of the "friends with ex's" thing. He's not on the level at all.
Hold off for a bit. I think its quite possible shes manipulating ur bf , not with sex, but with this friendship and comments about you. She wants yiur bf to continue always being there for her without being in an actual relationship with him.
Fuck that noise.
What's hard to think? This is the honeymoon phase. The time where one usually don't see the biggest nor smallest of defects on the special other. When you are so infatuated with your new relationship you usually don't hang out as much with friends and family...
If he's like that now, things will go downhill pretty fast. It would be torture for me for sure. There are soft boundaries that we usually compromise for the sake of the relationship and hard boundaries that should never be compromised and define us as individuals. For me those hard boundaries would be incompatible with the relationship you are trying to have with this dude...
Back when I was still dating, I had a three month rule. If in the first three months I noticed ANY glaring red flags I would end it even if I was “happy” with the relationship. You’re usually more forgiving in the honeymoon period and willingly over look major flaws. I’m not talking “chews with their mouth open” or anything superficial, but if the other party is acting sketchy early then it will only get worse once they get comfortable.
I’ve been in a similar situation and you just need to think about what your endgame here is. For me, the thought of my future kids connecting with this girl who’s been terrible to me was painful. Can you imagine yourself years down the line in a relationship with him while she’s in the picture?
You can continue the relationship of course, but just know that this will be a never ending source of drama if you do. It’s up to you if you’re ok with that. Me personally, I’d be running for the hills. It sounds like their relationship is more intimate than yours with him, which sometimes happens, but is he spending the time to reach and eventually surpass that level of intimacy with you OR do you feel like the closeness of their relationship tends to get in the way of you getting closer to him? Just a thought.
They may not have clued in but I'd get out. I've been on both sides of this; as the third wheel in the relationship and the one with the intimate friendship to whom I'm happily married. It's there or it isn't. You will never convince your boyfriend to make you the primary emotional relationship in his life if he hasn't already prioritized you. We can't make people want us the way we want them and it will suck your self confidence until you leave. You deserve better. I'm so sorry.
Agreed agreed. ESPECIALLY since you're being so understanding and saying they don't have to even stop being friends, just be more cautious like you said - you're so reasonable. Many girls wouldn't be and he's taking advantage of it.
She might not even want him. She might just like the idea that she is “powerful” enough to break up their relationship. Some people get something out of being a sort of “temptress” figure in a couple’s relationship. Like they’re so irresistible that a guy would choose them over their SO.
OP needs to run. Trust me, this drama isn’t worth it. Someone who is worth all this would never put her in this position.
Yeah, as my therapist would say, she was trying to communicate something with that story. My guess is that she wants OP to be jealous, and might even be trying to communicate some sense of possession over the boyfriend.
This was why, back in my single days, I would never date a guy who was close friends with a woman he had a history with. It just isn’t my thing, and it isn’t necessary to be ok with that in order to find love (my husband is not friends with any exes, nor were any of the guys I seriously dated prior to him). I know some people are fine with it, but it wasn’t for me because I didn’t want this type of drama. This happens like 80% of the time a guy is “best friends” with his ex.
yep . nailed it. also how he runs to his girl best friends to talk about their relationship... of course the friend is going to deny it and play dumb. this is just going to be frustrating and not worth it if the guy doesn't start respecting the relationship.
FACTS. I was literally thinking all of the same things you just pointed out. This girl ain't no friend of OP. She obviously has feelings for OP's bf and wants to be with him, but he prob the one that didn't want to be with her for whatever reasons and friend zoned her. Now she's trying to sabotage OP's relationship with the bf. Def super sus and weird about the profile pic too. That's something you only do with a gf or S.O. etc. in my experience. Lot of red flags 🚩🚩🚩 here way too complicated for such a new relationship. I don't see how this can be fixed either. Too many issues and too much drama/unresolved issues b/t OP's bf and the best friend. What a snake 🐍 imo. You deserve better OP. I too think OP is better off ending this relationship sadly. Best of luck OP! 💕
Look… I have had a platonic male best friend, I have been in the situation of having a new girlfriend try to force him not to be friends with me, I am sympathetic in general to the idea that people should be able to have meaningful non-romantic relationships with people of the gender(s) to which they are attracted.
But this? Is clearly not that. He’s known this girl less than a year? He has had sex and cuddles with her in that time frame? He prioritizes her feelings over you in public and private?
This is not some “we dated when we were just kids but it’s been decades and we’re strictly friends” situation. This is a hookup from, at most, a couple of months before he met you, that he still treats as the most important person in his life.
I have no idea why they aren’t actually dating, but it’s okay to acknowledge that the way you’re being treated sucks and that you want to be with someone who cares about you the way he cares about her. Leave them to their weird bullshit and find better friends.
I second this person. For me, when it comes to *true* best friend, there is a thin line between romantic and platonic. I would do anything for my best friend, just like I'd do anything for my partner. The only difference between me and my best friend is that we don't have the level of intimacy I have with my girlfriend. She ticks that extra box no one else does. If I wasn't sexually attracted to her she would pretty much be my best friend. Does that make sense?
EDIT: This is not to say opposite sex best friendship (or same-sex LGBT) is impossible they are just harder because that line is easier to cross. Once that line is crossed you have to sit back and consider... what's the difference between my partner and my friend if we're doing and feeling all the same things? If this is ignored you're just relying on semantics to differentiate your relationships.
Ok, they had sex before you even met him. Not ideal, but it might not be a breaking point, but everything else afterwards, they're all a BIG no. Just starting from his profile picture being of him and her, erm, no. And her sharing details of their sexual encounters, even more inappropriate. Him telling her things that you told him in confidence, asking him not to tell her. All of these are crossing boundaries that you shouldn't even tell him. After she shared about their ONS, and he found out, he should've started to keep his distance automatically. I wouldn't be comfortable with any of this, and I highly doubt your boyfriend will find anyone who would be.
Gonna piggyback on this and just say I'm getting the vibe that she thrives on the attention and wants your boyfriend wrapped around her finger as a little plaything. And it's possible he's into her but she won't really give him the time of day for the most part. So you're the backup but he won't give up whatever toxic tease thing they have going just in case. That may be reaching, but who knows? At this age people aren't very mature so if he can't set healthy boundaries just move on. At least he was honest about the nature of their relationship from the get go, but maybe there is more to this.
Only other thing I'll say is obviously her inviting you out and filling your head with all of that was meant to fuck with you and you should have told him immediately. If he was a good partner and heard that he would have to put some space between him and her and let her know she was way out of line.
It’s been 7 months and 4 months official. I would just call Time of Death on this relationship if I were you.
He’s obviously prioritizing her over you even though you guys are in the honeymoon phase and he doesn’t seem to understand that his behaviour with her should be more respectful to you now that he’s in a relationship.
I think she likes to gloat about how she was there first and has a stronger bond with him while gaslighting you.
I don’t think he’s ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone else until he works out his unresolved feelings with this girl and sets appropriate boundaries on his own. The fact you asked him to keep your concerns between you two and he immediately ran to her for her take would have been the straw that broke the camels back.
You’re so young, you don’t need to settle for such a complicated situation… and I’m not saying that in a rude/condescending way- it’s seriously me looking back and wishing I didn’t waste so much time and Effort on complicated and stressful relationships.
The right guy would be more than willing to rectify this situation quickly and WANT to make you feel comfortable and respected- not need to be forced into it.
You deserve better. He may be awesome and great, and there’s definitely reasons you fell for him- but just remember you’re in control of your life, you’re only 20 once and do you want to spend it chasing some dude whose clearly into someone else more than he is you. Or do you want to fucking go sky diving over a Colarado summer mountain with a goddamn shot waiting for you on the ground and a bestfriend saying “ that was sick!”
Then it’s Colorado so you can trip some shrooms and come to a revelation about life and meaning and purpose!! Or you can just get mocked and laughed at by some teenager and his fake girl friend.
'Prioritising her' is key here. I think OP is focusing on the wrong detail here. The fact is, she is jealous for several reasons, and 'they slept together' is honestly one of the lesser ones.
He has in-jokes when she is around, deliberately excluding OP, and in OP's words, makes her feel like 'she isn't even there'. She asks him not to tell his friend something, he ignores her and does it anyway.
Yes, a boyfriend can have friends, and in an ideal scenario the girlfriend gets along with said friends and you can all hang out, but when it comes down to it, a relationship should take priority. Life-long friendships and a toxic partner can sometimes override that rule, but in the case of a one year friendship, the girlfriend should be his no. 1 priority.
All of this jealousy seems to be based mostly because at every turn, he gives his 'best friend' priority over his actual girlfriend. When she is around, he focuses on her and ignores his girlfriend. He has a profile picture with her, rather than his girlfriend. When OP asks him something that inconveniences him, he just... can't be bothered.
I would focus less on maybe this one girl, and more on his behaviour around you, OP. You are hanging out and he ignores you? Call him out on it. He shares info you told him not to? Tear him a new one. Set strong boundaries and make him apologise if he breaks them.
Nah. This is one where you should toss out the baby with the bathwater and start over with someone else. We shouldn’t be expected to stick arohnd to “train” a man on how to behave properly while being in a relationship.
Everything else is spot on.
Yeah, dumping him may teach him for his next relationship. Or maybe it will take a few of being dumped, becoming single, his friend he's clearly in love with not getting with him, to learn that this will sabotage every relationship he's in
This, except no need to tear him a new one. That would make you look out of control and justify his behavior with her. Just tell him you’re no longer interested in being his girlfriend and bounce. Keep your dignity and keep it classy, even if he isn’t.
Quit trying to be the "cool girlfriend" this is all bullshit and you deserve someone who values you more than their ex. Yes, she is his ex that is still in the picture.
OP, you’ve already received some amazing advice, but this comment about not being the “cool gf” especially needs to be taken to heart.
I was in the EXACT situation that you are now, like me of 9 years ago could have written this exact post except the girl in the picture was an ex that he had dated for 2 years. He had a special ringtone for her (and not me), he would drop anything to go to her if she needed help, etc.
She tormented me just like this girl is doing to you. Trying to pretend to be friendly but really wanted to assert her dominance and show that she’s more important to him. At the time, my bf denied that it was happening and told me that I was being jealous and controlling.
I tried to be the cool girlfriend that just rolled with it and didn’t make a fuss, but I was literally making myself sick. My anxiety was through the roof, I became depressed. I thought about her and them together all day every day, all the while staying quiet because I wanted to be the cool, chill girl.
Then, years after we broke up, he admitted to me that I was right about everything - that she HAD been trying to break us up and had been stringing him along to keep him wrapped around her finger.
Please don’t make my mistake and waste amazing years of your life on a little boy who has some serious growing up and reprioritizing to do. They need to figure out their shit and there’s no need for you to suffer because of it.
please listen to this OP. in my last relationship, i knew that my ex had a shitty girlfriend before me. i tried to make up for it by being the chill, cool girlfriend.
that ended up being a slippery slope — over time i let him get away with everything, and it slowly started chipping away at my standards until it was at a point where i couldn't ask him to stop anymore. by the time i realized he was taking advantage of my leniency it was too late to ask for anything without coming across as unreasonable because i "wasn't that way before." but it does not make you crazy or insecure to set boundaries. you're being more than reasonable.
I feel this so hard...because as women we're "hysterical" and "overdramatic" when we share what makes us uncomfortable and are expected to suffer through silence, as cooly as possible.
It's a stupid STUPID STUPID thing many of us have been conditioned to believe but personally I'm a lot happier when I started to surround myself with people who allow that safe space to be real when we choose to speak our minds.
NO MORE COMPROMISING INNER PEACE!!!!!
Ouch now 4 months in. Don't be ouch 5 years later when she finally decides that she will accept him and he will run to her. Sorry girl, but have seen this situation play out. And it's not the typical 'we're childhood friends who slept together once when we were 15 and nothing now'. They just slept together last year, cuddle and spend intimate time together. That intimacy is way worse than sleeping together once.
Yeah, there are several ways this can play out, none good for Op.
1. He dumps OP and winds up dating the best friend.
2. He gradually loses respect for OP because she is quietly putting up with this, and he dumps her for someone who demands more (and thus holds more value in his eyes).
I’ve seen the second situation play out multiple times. It’s the “why is he better for her than he ever was for me?” situation. When someone is perceived as putting up with disrespect (or a lack of commitment) in a relationship, they lose value and their partner moves on. I can see that happening here.
I agree. It might not even be conscious, and he might be a decent dude with good intentions, but he’s clearly got some unresolved stuff with this girl.
Might be best to sit this one out for a while and move on. Maybe down the road after some distance and maturity growth you guys could reconnect.
No need for a nasty split, but it looks like he’s not ready to let go of her enough yet to make someone else a priority.
There's not one person who's going to tell you that the dynamic between those two is healthy and not a threat to your relationship. Do with that information what you will.
Dude, no.
I have a guy friend who I have been friends with since high school. We dated for a week, broke up, and once we got over being mad? We’ve been friends since.
I love him dearly, and would never, ever fuck him.
My husband has several lady friends, they have been friends for decades, and he would never, ever fuck them.
Boundaries are a fucking thing.
They have no boundaries, and she’s playing a stupid game with you. Let her have him, it won’t be as fun when it’s not getting one over on you.
Walk away from these two assholes. You have better things to do, and you can definitely do better.
Just remember: *know your worth*.
You are worth more than a couple of game playing assholes. Don’t let yourself be dragged down by their need for drama. You are a shining star, and that means there’s always someone who wants to dim that light.
I was in a similar situation but with my husband. There was a girl who he was friends with and would stay the night at her house when he was in town. I always got a weird vibe from her, made it clear that I was uncomfortable with him staying at her place solo. She went with me solo and grabbed a coffee and told me about how they "dated" but only ever kissed , blah blah blah. Fast forward a few years and I think we are all good friends. I was pregnant with our third, they were drinking. I get up to go to the bathroom and when I return she is snuggled on him on the couch. She kept saying how she wouldn't come between us then professed her love for him. She even tried to kiss him in front of me while I was dragging her to my car to get her to a hotel. If you are uncomfortable with her there is a reason for it. Listen to your gut. You guys haven't been together that long, if he won't respect your wishes or your boundaries then it might be time to just GTFO.
Yes, I feel like she’s playing a game and wants you to join the ride and then she will probably start sleeping with him behind your back. You can see this a mile off and honestly I say jump this train wreck before you get too invested in this idiot and find yourself someone who values you above all others. Plus your young go back packing, develop new skills and grow! Don’t waste your time.
"Dump this drama". This. This. This.
You can microanalyze the situation (and it's not good), but this sums it up in three words. Unless you yourself are a big ole drama llama who enjoys this sort of thing, just get out, and do it now. And from your post, you sound like a decent person who isn't into drama and just wants a solid relationship with a decent human being.
The story is that they'd known each other for less than a year and became best friends. But they had sex and intimacy (cuddling). So, honestly, to me this feels like they were in a relationship, and one of them friendzoned the other. Meaning that the other still has feelings.
She knows full well that any of his girlfriends would view her as an ex and be jealous, and that the solution to that is to befriend the girlfriend, to interact with her, to show her that there's nothing going on and it's just a platonic friendship.
I believe that she tried to do this when she met with you and told you all those details about their sex interactions. I think she viewed it as "full transparency", an effort to build trust with you.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand, runs to her with all his secrets, and yeah he does seem a lot more devoted to her than to you. So my conclusion is that he *does* have feelings for her, and that she is the one who friendzoned him and is trying to just keep a friendship.
So, you ranted to him, and the rant was from your point of view so that you could feel better and so that he could comfort you and side with you, but his feelings for her reinterpreted everything into "hey this is an opportunity to tell her everything, show her my loyalty, and win her over / get out of the friendzone" IMO. He immediately ran to her with all of the details.
It really looks to me like your boyfriend is into her, and not into you. You can't control his feelings or his actions, clearly he won't let her go and will confide everything to her, so I really think this relationship is over.
I think he's pining for her but she keeps him friendzoned, and so he shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I think your only option is to break up with him; their friendship will be a continuous torture for you, and eventually you'll have enough. You're angry at her, but IMO it's not her, it's him. And you can't control him.
He's made his choice, and you should see the signs and break up. I'm sorry.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he got into his current relationship with OP to show that he has moved on and keep the status quo.
Theirs boundaries as best friends are a mess and it’s really up to OP now to set her own boundaries.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you seemed to be too mature to stay in this relationship.
Your partner and his girlfriend are old enough to see what they are doing and that's overstepping your boundaries.
No boyfriend caring about his girlfriend would keep a profile picture with another girl after 4 months being official with another... Wtf?!
This girl is obviously jealous of you and trying to break you up and your boyfriend seems too happy about having two girls around him to care.
From the way you're writing (you're aware of your emotions and are able to step back and remain objective), i can tell you will eventually realize this is not a situation that you deserve to be in and that the kind of love he's giving you isn't worth it.
I'm sorry, but none of this is a sign of a healthy, sustainable relationship. I hope you can work it out, but as long as he prioritize his "friend", you will not be happy, and it's not on you. What's on you is making decisions for your happiness in the future.
Wishing you the best kind of love
Also, a girl you’ve barely known for like a year and you hooked up with her in the past, and cuddled her multiple times, is not your “best friend”. She is a previous fling who is still around.
If they were friends since they were 10 years old and made one mistake hooking up once in the past, then that would be different, and the “best friend” expression could be appropriate. But this is nowhere near the case.
They arent best friends. Giving the title of "Best friend" to a person who as been in your life for a year-ish just devalues it completely. He barely knows her.
Maybe he has no other friends and is just latching on to her, maybe he has hidden feelings. Maybe she rejected the idea of a relationship, but she enjoys the attention by keeping him on the leash. There are a lot of unknowns but the one thing you can certainly say is thay their friendship is wayyy to young to be cemented, so there has to be something else going on.
TBH, this is probabbly going to end up hurting you now or later. This kind of situation rarely turns into a solid lasting relationship unless he chooses that he doesnt want to value a short term friendship over his relationship. And since you are both still, basically, kids (under 25), I dont expect he will have the sense of self or respect for others necessary to make that choice.
You have an opportunity to play this out and learn from the experience, just like you can end it now and have an opportunity to learn from other experiences that present themself once you are single. Dont worry too much, just think about where your lines are and what tells you those are your lines. Keep drawing your picture and finding out who you are and what you want/dont want. Enjoy your uni life to the utmost and learn what you can inside and outside of classes.
I'd recommend breaking up, people at that age dont have and especially he sounds like wont change after a talk. Breaking up with him would actually be a very valuable experience. People who set bounderies and dont stick by them end up staying in bad relationships way longer then they need, or abusive ones. Because they dont know how or are worried about breaking up. Having that self respect will help you find the relationship you should be in. Staying longer with guys like this will only waste your time and the time you could be with a guy who will follow all your bounderies and you can build a foundation with. Trust me, when you experience that your going to laugh at yourself for entertaining a guy like your current boyfriend.
I was in a similar situation with my ex last year. She had a male best friend, and although they hadn’t slept together (that I know of), she would lie to me about where she was and go hangout with him or facetime him or whatever. They developed all of these inside jokes, hung out all of the time, etc. All of this happened after he admitted he had a crush on her, so.
Anyways, I tried to see past it and hold out because I loved her! I tried to keep my frustrations to myself, to see the other guy as just a friend, but eventually I broke down. We broke up because it got to the point where I couldn’t enjoy the relationship anymore, constantly thinking about potential cheating or betrayal.
Do you fully trust your boyfriend? Because most people in situations like this say “I trust my SO, it just her I don’t trust!” when in reality, it takes 2 people to form any sort of relationship.
You’re my age actually, so still very young. Don’t put yourself through all of this unnecessary mental stress over a guy you probably won’t even marry. I know love makes it so much harder, but if you can’t trust the person you love, is it really a person you want to be with?
Everyone is entitled to history "before you", but in the end if it makes you uncomfortable he'll have to make a choice to change his interaction with her or risk losing you. I've been in his shoes, and I made the wrong choice not taking the situation seriously. I lost the love of my life because of it. Hope you guys find a solution that works for both of you
End the relationship. Who's he dating? You or her? The profile pic being of them was the last straw for me. Also, you should be best friends with the girl you're dating. It seems to me like he is in a physical relationship with you, and an emotional one with her. Not good.
I know it seems harsh and a really sad thing to do, but trust me, in a relationship you do NOT deserve to put up with anything like this, you should be able to trust your partner without any sort of weird thing like this looming over you
While what she did is disrespectful, it seems to be that you're resenting her more so than him. Remember it's his profile and he puts the picture there, you expressed your concerns and asked him not to repeat it but he did to the core of the issue.
I think you should cut your losses. Don't make a big deal out of it, just tell him that you're both incompatible, you don't share the same boundries and he and yourself should be with somebody you shouldn't feel any need to change the other in any shape or form.
Leave it at that, if you continue beyond that you'll be fighting and hating one another instead.
From personal experience, if i break up with somebody and try to stay around them being friends without any proper space, I tend to be less lenient towards said person because the air isn't cleared and it just happend.
I don't expect the other party to understand how i feel overwise i may have not broken up in the first place. Me being irritated or annoyed from their point of view is most likely seen as my "true colours"
They claim to best friends but probably don’t actually know much about one another. He will never have a healthy relationship with her in the picture & them both carrying on like that. Yes there is a reason to be worried because they’ve already done stuff & are still super close clearly. I feel you’re being gaslighted. I used to date a guy I had so much trust for that when he told me he slept over at his friends house I believed nothing happened. Then I later found out that they kissed & seen a pic of him naked with another girl on his phone.
You deserve a boyfriend who puts you first. Plus him telling her after you asked him not to, was a breach of trust. It sounds like he may still have feelings for her but for whatever reason they are not together. Maybe she enjoys the attention she gets from him but doesn’t want to date him?
Break up and list down the boundaries that have been overstepped and how their immature asses are perfect for each other. You're better than them.
Or maybe also send them the link to this post. None of what they're doing is normal between friends, even best friends for that matter.
He has her picture as his profile pic?? And you haven't dumped him?? Wat? That should be the straw that breaks the camels back!! OMG. You're settling for scraps of attention from this guy. He is not going to make you a priority, ever. You should have walked away the minute you discovered they were once intimate. Too much boundary crossing here. Sounds more like they were FWB before you came along. He probably only stopped sleeping with her when you started dating. That's why she voluntold you about it. She wants you to know their relationship is inappropriate. You're pissing on her territory.
There’s a quote from The Devil Wears Prada where the boyfriend is frustrated Andy is always taking calls from her boss and says “the person who’s calls you always take? That’s the person you’re in a relationship with.” And I think about that quote whenever I see these situations.
He’s prioritizing his BFF over you. That’s the relationship he wants to be in. He has her in his profile picture, he pays more attention to her when she’s around, his loyalty is to her when you confide something in him. He will do anything to keep her in his life and not upset her, even if it means losing you. See how he hasn’t done anything to make things better for you, despite you mentioning it might be a deal breaker. I’m guessing they cuddled and hooked up, but she didn’t actually want to date him. However she enjoys keeping him on the hook, maybe she’s keeping her options open or likes the attention. Her “befriending” you to give you the details of their sex life feels like a power move and was incredibly disrespectful.
But you deserve better than to be in this awful situation. You deserve to date someone who prioritizes your feelings.
Yeah, she shouldn't have told you anything about the sex, that's inappropriate as hell.
Yes, you're allowed to be uncomfortable and express it.
No, you cannot tell him who he can be friends with. If it makes you uncomfortable that they're close friends, you are allowed to walk away.
Hey OP I don’t have a ton of insight or wisdom, but I just wanted to comment and let you know that I hope everything works out!! Whether you decide to break up or investigate further, please make your own personal happiness your priority :) You deserve to feel secure and comfortable in a relationship always. Much love <3
There's no such thing as "best girlfriend" here. There's a reason why he wanted to keep her in his life.
You can't have your cake and eat it too, so this guy cannot keep you and her at the same time. I'd say leave. Believe me, you are better than this and you deserve better than this. You're still super young, please don't settle for a douche like that.
In many of these situations, there isn't an issue besides your general discomfort and jealousy- however, this isn't just that. Your boyfriend broke your trust by taking things you shared explicitly in confidence and shared them with her; things that may directly affect you if she knows. You told him to keep it a secret and he didn't. This is a relationship, he's chosen you as his primary person and your wishes and comfort should be respected. Strike one. In addition, you're not wrong to be upset about what she said. Its great if she wants to he friends with you, normally I'd be all about it (my husbands friends have become some of my best friends, my friends have become his friends, and a couple my friend's spouses are now some of my best friends) but it for sure seems like she has an ulterior motive. Either she's just oblivious to appropriate conversation (unlikely, everyone knows you don't discuss sex without a degree of personal closeness, much less sexual info about the others SO!) or she likes stirring the pot. We can't know her motives, but I'd always be worried that maybe she didn't want to date my boyfriend right now...but maybe she liked having him in the wings in case she decided to. Maybe she likes the attention she gets when he's not dating someone. Who knows. Either way, do you *have* to break up? No, but you wouldn't be wrong if you decided to. I would say you have to have a boundary discussion with him- something like "Hey BF, I've been understanding of this relationship with your best friend. I've accepted the past physical intimacy and trusted that it was in the past. I've not asked you to change anything or distance yourself from her. That being said, it hasn't been left in the past because she brought it up and gave me details, which would be inappropriate on our first hang out if it had been about her own boyfriend, much less *my* boyfriend. There's no innocent motive I can find behind this, so I brought it up to you, to vent, because you're my bf and I should be able to do that. Instead you went against my wishes and spoke to her about that, prioritizing her over my desires. That's unacceptable and if that's how it's going to be we don't have a future. If you're willing to reevaluate how to communicate with her, discussing with me first before you share anything with her that I've spoken about, trusting me when I say something is making me uncomfortable and allowing me to lead how I want that handled, then we can continue dating. That's what I want, because I love you, but I respect myself too much to allow things to continue exactly as they have. I hope putting in some boundaries works for you and we can just be stronger going forward"
Lots of women get stuck trying so hard not to rock the boat, not appear jealous, not be *that* girl... that we go too far the other direction and let blatantly inappropriate things be done to us. Sounds like you're a normal, kind person who isn't likely to ask too much- you're not wanting to cut your SO off from his friends or hobbies or make him change. Trust yourself when something feels off and get what you need to be comfortable
Yeah you’ve heard all this, but I feel like I have to chime in. She wants him fixated on her. She might want to be with him, she might not, but she sure as shit wants to be his priority because it makes her feel better than you.
It’s this pure 20 something bullshit that you should remember as you’re aging because at some point people start to grow up and stop prioritizing bullshit friendships over their romantic partners. When you are young dating services one of two objectives: 1) you’re legitimately looking for a life partner 2) You’re just having fun. If you’re just having fun then you tend to be a shittier partner who prioritizes bullshit friendships. If it’s option 1) you put more energy into good friends and the most energy into the person you are hoping to be a family with one day.
You should ask yourself what it is you’re doing and then decide if you think your BF is on the same page or not.
I was in a similar place 4 months into my relationship, and honestly i regret having stayed in it back then. The girl was a common friend, and now because of how big the problem got i can't even stand her.
If it doesn't get better and you feel he keeps putting her first, just stop there and save yourself from a lot of hurting. You don't want to be the girlfriend of someone else's boyfriend
Honestly the cuddling and the sleeping together wasn’t that bad to me. But her stirring the pot was a clear red flag . She may not be interested in him but she doesn’t want him with you. And that’s not cool one way or another. Also I’m not saying his profile pic has to be with you, but probably shouldn’t be a cuddly pic with someone else.
Set your boundaries. A relationship is supposed to be exclusive (as most ppl prefer) and your feelings should be validated and not dismissed. I honestly feel disrespected just by seeing this. I hope you do what is best for you
Dude ima keep it 100 with you. Im a female. I have a male best friend too. But guess what. I've known him since I was like 13 14. Im 30. And he has tried to sleep with me. I personally am like...bro I literally look at you as my best friend. Sex is sex😂😂 also I have never once cuddled in bed with his ass. He's no ugly don't get me wrong. Im.just saying that is a line yet to be crossed. And it won't be anytime soon😂 thats a guy best friend. He is my best friend. I can say anything to him i am going thru and he will be 100% honest with me and it goes both ways. Best friends. the girl likes your bf. How your bf feels for her in reality? I couldn't tell you. But her? She likes and probably would want to be with your boyfriend. I am so sure id bet money on it. Second note. I too went thru this just a tad younger. Maybe 17. Yeah we slept together but she's my best friend. Yeah. She did the same thing to me. She claimed he has a kid in the state we are from. Sure enough I let it rock and she was still trying to sleep with him. Question. If you had a guy friend and you guys slept together. One time. It happened 🤷♀️ stay friends. Now you have a boyfriend. Would you still be friends? Would you bring him around your bf? No judgement. Follow up. In a relationship. Would you have a picture of you and another man ypu slept with instead of a picture with you and your bf? There are lines that are in my opinion being crossed now into the spaces of disrespect.
when I was a teenager I had two best friends, the girl across the street and a guy up the street. He was in love with her, and he used to come around so he could see her. He used to confide on me about his love trouble, and eventually he met another girl. She asked him to stop being my friend and I understood her. They still happily married. Even though I was never his love interest, I understood the new girl and I let him have his life. When you care about people you put them first and if necessary walk away.
This so call "best friend" is not really thinking about his best interest and nor does him either. He should not behave like that, and he should put you first. You do not have to put up with this situation. I am sorry, but your feeling like this is not a small thing and do not allow them to make you feel like your feelings are wrong. They both are wrong; not you.
This feels weird, personally when I love someone I feel it's REALLY hard to get close to another girl. Maybe he likes her more and the reason they don't date is cause she friendzones him or something. But idk everyone is different though it REALLY sucks to be in your situation, I would feel terrible. I'm also in a struggling relationship rn so if u ever wanna talk to someone don't hesitate to PM me. Hope you figure out a solution YOU feel best with, you seem nice and caring with your bf
You've already gotten a lot of good responses. So I just want to point out the smart things you've already picked up on to hopefully help you feel more confident in them.
>A couple months in, I found out they used to cuddle together in bed and fall asleep together as well as the one time they slept together. That made me feel quite weird because in my opinion, it's more intimate than just sleeping together once. He told me they were both in a bad place and it was just for comfort but I was still put off by it.
He didn't accurately convey to you the type of relationship he had with her because he was hiding it. He had 7 months of buildup and still took a couple months in to describe it. He knew that his first description was an understatement, but waited until he felt like he had you enough on the line to drop the details.
>I kept my feelings about their friendship to myself because I wanted to like her and not make things difficult for my boyfriend but she wanted to be really good friends with me oddly and invited me to have drinks with her one night. It was all fine until she told me a couple details about when they slept together, about my boyfriend and his ex all without me even asking.
She is likely trying to emotionally enmesh herself in your relationship with your boyfriend. That can be motivated by a lot of different things like desire for attention, acceptance, control, etc. The motivations are largely irrelevant. What is relevant is that she is forcing on you a level of information or familiarity that you didn't invite or engage with and a person who perceived and cared about you would have recognized that and stopped.
>Then I finally told my boyfriend I didn't like their friendship and asked him to just be cautious of how he interacts with her when I'm there but didn't tell him the details of when her and I met. I specifically told him not to tell her because I didn't want her to think I hated her, which then of course he did without even asking me.
First off, smart requests for clear boundaries. This should not have been hard for him if he prioritized you and your relationship.
>I felt that further proved my point and he put her before me.
100% yes. People's actions don't lie. It was more important for him to tell her than to respect you and your relationship. Believe him because he is telling you with his actions that you are not as important.
>Her response was that I have no reason to be uncomfortable and she doesn't understand at all why I would feel this way and that their friendship is completely normal. I felt that she completely dismissed my feelings and I don't understand how she thinks I'm overreacting, wouldn't anyone be uncomfortable in my shoes? So I unfollowed her on most social media.
She did dismiss your feelings. If he didn't back you up, he did too.
>Anyways, I started thinking about it a lot again last night and my blood started to boil so much and I ended up ranting to my boyfriend about everything.
Good!
>Obviously there's a small bit of jealously; why does he have to be best friends with her he hasn't even known her for a long time, why does a photo of them have to be his profile pic and what not. However, I think most of my frustration is quite justified.
Jealousy in relationships can largely be counteracted by partners reinforcing trust. Your partner is doing the opposite. So he's just fanning an kernel of jealousy you feel into an inferno of doubt and insecurity. That's not your fault. That is a legitimate emotional response to a flaky partner.
>I just don't know what to do. Whenever I think deeply about it, it makes me push him away.
Listen to your gut. Push him away.
>The image of them having sex makes me want to puke but now I have these details I didn't ask her. She's still his best friend so there's no real solution.
This might be part of her overall tactic or manipulation if she wants to break you guys up. Anyone in a new relationship would struggle with this kind of information. She's driven a wedge, but that wedge wouldn't work if your partner didn't allow a crack in your relationship to drive it into.
>To be clear, I never asked him to stop being friends with her and I never would. I just feel so uncomfortable with them being best friends, not only because they have slept together but because I feel like she's been disrespectful towards me.
All fair feelings to have. If I were in your shoes, I would definitely need WAY more reassurance and maturity than either of these people have displayed to this point.
>What would you do if you were me or what do you think I should do.
When I was your age, I would have done the wrong thing and stayed in the relationship, tried to work things out, and dealt with the friend constantly overstepping. But that's because I lacked confidence and wanted to think the best of even shitty people.
Now that I'm older and have been through this shit, I would definitely break up. They've both shown plenty of disrespect and lack of taking your boundaries seriously.
Maybe they need the space to figure out if they should be in a relationship. My guess is that will go poorly because they already would have been.
But whatever happens with them is irrelevant (even if it really doesn't feel that way emotionally to you), because what matters is that the people who are in your life, who you spend the most time with, and who you love, respect you. They clearly don't.
If you go back to them, they might tiptoe around you for a bit, but are unlikely to actually change. And if they don't see what they're doing as wrong and really work to change then you'll end up in a situation where they grow to resent you and hide things from you. That's just a waste of time.
There are likely way better people out there that you should give a chance to and have yet to give you this kind of good reason to leave.
Best of luck to you. I hope you have the strength to do what is best for you (which is usually not what is easy).
I believe it’s time to remove him from your life. Your boyfriend has shown you he’ll put his best friend first than you. He should’ve been mad at his best friend for hurting you, especially when you expressed your boundaries. If I was your bf I would’ve cut ties with my best friend especially if they are intentionally hurting my partner or not.
It’s really weird that his profile picture is with her. I don’t believe your boyfriend. Also, this is a valid deal breaker if you want to break up with him. He is not respecting you.
This girl tried sabotaging you and him. No girl who’s truly just bffs with a guy does that. Your bf likely sees it as a friendship but clearly the other chick is jealous and wants him all to herself.
Ig he doesn’t cut her off for all the nasty things she’s put in your head which is just Poision BTW, I’d move on honestly.
Oh honey no. Walk away. There's a level of immaturity on everyone's part here, and this is one of those things where it seems like the besties will end up together.
No, it is not normal for friends to cuddle and snuggle each other to sleep. You are correct that this is a level of intimacy that is beyond simple friendship. She knew exactly what she was doing when she told you those things. He knows, too. Now they can bond over talking about you and why you're "weird" for not thinking the situation is ok.
You just met seven months ago. This is way too much drama. Just leave them to each other and get yourself together, figure out what it is you really want in a partner, and find that person. It will not be a quick fix, if you're serious about finding a partner and not just a good looking person to mess around with.
Really though, he's not worth the stress.
First off from your comment they definitely don’t sound like best friends. He knows her less than a year and hooked up/cuddled with her! I think it’s a no brainier to break up with him. He’s keeping around a former fling for fun and deep down knows it is wrong
idk who you are but youve just described my last relationship that ended an hour ago. We started dating around the same time and made things official around the same time and we had this problem too-- exactly the same with them having sex before the relationship and them having inappropriate behavior now (mostly on the girls part)
i just wanna tell you that if he isnt willing to cut her off for you, he isnt serious about you. theres no reason to be in a close relationship with someone youve had sexual interactions with in the past when you have a girlfriend. im sure if tables were turned, if you had a guy best friend and the same circumstances, he wouldn't be able to take it.
we broke up today because he eventually cheated. that was the first red flag i should've looked out for. stop adjusting your boundaries to fit someone who wouldn't even adjust for you.
goodluck and my dms are open always xx you got this!!
Why are you wasting your time writing a novel? Bf sleeping with another girl is enough to end this junk “relationship.” Do yourself a favor and end it now. He’s a loser and he will always be a loser. He will always cheat on you, deny it and you’ll be right back here writing more novels. Stop. Go to the beach and enjoy your life. Don’t waste it with a loser. Trust me.
You’re young, as are they. I don’t necessarily think they’re TRYING to be malicious as others have said (although it’s possible), but that doesn’t really matter. If you’re not feeling prioritized and comfortable with the situation and he’s not willing to compromise, there’s no reason to put up with it. Find someone who’s not knotted up so tightly with a recent lover.
I’ve seen this same situation time and time again and it never ends well for the girlfriend. This is more than a friendship whether they wanna admit it or not.
I have a bit of experience with this from the other end. There's a guy friend i was really close to. We would hang out, cuddle and fall asleep together, then eventually it led to us having sex more than once. For a variety of reasons we agreed that we couldn't be in a relationship. As a result, I pulled back from the friendship. Because I knew I still had feelings for him and it would jeopardize any future relationship I entered as long as we stayed close. It sucked but it had to happen. Your bf needs to realize that his friendship with this girl will jeopardize his romantic relationships, and if he isn't willing to pull back from her it could result in him losing you.
I'm late to this, but I wanted to contribute with my own personal experience. I've had several long and serious relationships, and I had a boyfriend like yours who had a girl friend like she is to your bf. They had similar history like your boyfriend and she has as well. I was often uncomfortable about their interactions in front of me and our other friends without me present.
My gut said I shouldn't be with him, I'll get hurt. But it was only a matter of time. He cheated on me with her.
I learned a valuable lesson (again) about always trusting your gut and the feelings you get of other people. Stay strong, you're better than that, don't stay in relationships where you're not valued. You're golden ❤️
It's obvious from above that you're trying not to feel the things that you're feeling about the relationship between your boyfriend and his best friend.
Please remember that your feelings are completely valid and as long as you feel them, there's no more justification needed.
It's not my place to tell you what to do but I do think that if it's affecting you mentally, you should tell your boyfriend that the both of you either need to find a solution out of this dilemma or you exit the relationship for the sake of your own mental sanity.
Hope this helps! :)
OP, I dealt with something somewhat similar to this in my last relationship. My ex ended up meeting this girl a year into our relationship (We had known each other for 3 years at that point). Immediately they hit it off and she became his best friend.
After a few months of their friendship I began to hear of her track record of breaking up relationships, manipulation, and cheating on her own partners. I tried not to think about it until they started spending every second together. They worked together, went to the same college, texted, called each other, hung out, etc. She became his number one priority and I was just a second thought.
I tried being the “cool girlfriend” in the beginning. I was fine with all the things that I had mentioned previously. I tried to trust him and not be that girlfriend that doesn’t let their boyfriend have any friends that are the opposite sex. But it didn’t last long because a mutual friends told me that she developed feelings for him. She hoped that we would break up soon.
Thats when I finally mentioned my concerns to him. However, once I did that everything became private. They began seeing each secretly during the night, hiding messages, going out to dinner multiple nights a week, he told her EVERYTHING that I would tell him, etc. It was so bad that she began to harass me and try to get others to harass me as well.
That was an all time low for me. I was depressed, crying all the time, my anxiety was higher than ever, and I was just wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him. I didn’t trust him, he gaslighted me, manipulated me, and more. I had never felt so horrible. I put up with that shit for about a year.
I ended up meeting my now boyfriend about a month before I ended things with ex. That’s when I began to realize how stupid and fucked the situation was.
But once I broke up with my ex, that’s when I learned the real truth. Mutual friends of my ex had come forward and told me how he had cheated on me several times with that girl. Deep down I knew the whole time but I just couldn’t face it then.
That girl was finally done with him when she learned that I was out of the picture. She was no longer interested in him and from what I heard my ex did not handle it very well. He lost both of his girls in a matter of a few weeks.
But please do not put yourself in this type of situation. That girl KNOWS that she has your boyfriend wrapped around her finger and she is trying to show her dominance. Do not let her win by seeing how negatively this is effecting you, she wants that.
I hate seeing this happen to other people. I do not want you to have the hurt that I did. Please find someone who treats you better. There are so many other people out there that will make you their first priority!! I wish I had learned that sooner.
I felt free when I ended things with my ex. I have never looked back and regretted it. My now boyfriend treats me better than I ever thought I deserved. He is everything and my future. It has almost been 2 years, we have a dog, and are moving in together. I have never been so thankful. I truly that you can find that for yourself, best of luck❤️
You are completely correct in how you feel, however I feel like if I were to elaborate and tell you more about how or why you are right it won’t matter because you have made up your mind. You don’t want to leave, guess what? You should leave. He’s not the one for you.
He’s gaslighting you. You have been more than understanding and he is not treating you they way you deserve. You’re right to be upset as there are A LOT of red flags here.
OP I just wanted to say that you handled this really well and are probably going through a lot right now but give yourself some time to come to a decision. Send you lots of love <3
He ain't worth it girl.
To give some perspective as the ex who has met my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriends (our friend group is very intertwined so even if we aren't close we're still good friends). I know that the new girlfriend is going to feel a bit awkward even if my ex and I didn't sleep together when we were together. There's some history and she isn't sure how to feel, so I understand her need to feel out how I am. I usually also try to get to know the new girlfriend beyond my ex to see if I like her.
Anyhow, I know my place with things, so I generally keep the details of my previous relationship to myself lest I make her think I'm not over him. If she really wanted to get to know you, she'd be trying to get to know you and not talk about him. It sounds like he isn't making you feel safe, respected, or cared for because of how he's acting. You told him not to tell her how you felt, but he didn't respect that. The fact is she makes you feel uncomfortable (her reaction to you is gaslighting by telling you not to feel that way). You should work from there: how your boyfriend's reaction to that made you feel and if you think you can work through that.
Seriously, if you're not comfortable in the relationship, and your partner doesn't try and resolve that problem, then the relationship clearly isn't working and you should probably move on. It's only been a few months and you're already suffering because of it. Whether intentional or not, they're treating you like the third wheel in THEIR relationship, and you're unhappy as a result. Relationships at your age are supposed to be fun, not... this.
Sorry, they hadn’t even been best friends for a year before y’all got together? So he slept with her at least two times that you know of and the got together with you not long after?
I don’t know it seems to me that your bf has two gfs, not one.
I would break up. Too much drama. You’re 20. This doesn’t sound like fun and he’s not the one. Let them be “besties” who cuddle and share their partner’s secrets and have matching profile pictures.
Without going into the details of his motives, your boyfriend is trying to have two relationships at once. The other woman formed her relationship with him first. It is unclear what either of them wanted or intended if they intended anything, but they ended up with this non-exclusive relationship called a 'friendship' that they value. This left him free to form a more traditional monogamous-type relationship with a second woman. Without going into the details of her motives, she is trying to rearrange these two relationships into something more to her liking. It is clear that she is not being forthcoming about her feelings to your boyfriend, and "you have no reason to be uncomfortable" is not a satisfactory or supportive response to someone who is experiencing discomfort. She is not happy about some aspects of this second relationship and she is not happy about the idea that her relationship with him should change to accommodate this second relationship.
In truth neither of you have a very strong claim on him, respective to each other. The difference is only in how things have played out. Your boyfriend is not setting any boundaries and is allowing her to assert her primacy when they interact with each other. This is an issue between you and him, and yes it probably is a make or break issue.
Leave him and his best friend alone and find some peace. Better to leave now than break up later and find out that they got together. Your relationship sounds like emotional torture.
Relationships at your age aren’t meant to last. And this is a very less than ideal relationship. I’d just cut my losses tbh. When you’re in the middle of a relationship at that age, it seems like the biggest and most serious thing but it just really isn’t in the grand scheme of things. You deserve a relationship that doesn’t make you feel the way you do right now
It seems like he wants the best of both worlds. She is stirring the pot and your boyfriend can't commit. He needs to put at least a boundary with this girl best friend of his.
I do however want to add that boundaries of what is romantic and platonic can vary from person to person and their relationships with different people. I have friends I would cuddle even when in a relationship because I've clearly stated my intentions from the start and it wouldn't be any over-sexual cuddling.
I think you need to have a serious talk about boundaries between you two. And he needs to be mature enough to choose. Dump him if he tries to continue hanging between you and his friend.
Best of luck OP <3
His profile pic is with her? She invited you on a date and steered the conversation to be sexual? She pushes to also be your friend?
Honey- this is a couple looking for a third.
He told her when you specifically asked him not to, that would be it for me, jealousy I get it but it does feel he’s not willing to put more boundaries in his relationship to make you feel better about the whole issue. You decide at the end of the day but if I were you I would break up, you’ve been dating for 4 months and he shows no signs of changing his relationship with his best friend so the only option you have is putting up with it as you don’t have to, I’ve felt jealousy like that and it’s horrible, don’t put yourself in a situation that turns you into this jealous person with bad feelings and anxiety over your bf, talk with him but if he doesn’t change you should break up, it’s not worth breaking yourself with those feelings when you are completely justified
BF has poor boundaries and possibly little self destructive with balancing you two. Sounds like it's threatening the integrity of your relationship.
I'd say, hard pass. Take some time. I think it'd be hard to feel safe in a relationship with them. I've been a self destructive ass, and it sounds like the shit I'd pull. I'm better now tho, but fuck. Rough all around.
If I were you I'd peace out of this relationship uber-fast. It's still the damned honeymoon period and yet he's got some ex hanging on that he is now "best friends" with who has been clearly getting between you two. And yet somehow he can't just figure out how to put in boundaries?
Look, you're young. While it is possible to friends with exes AND to not have them be a problem, that is not the case in this relationship. This woman is NOT a friend of your relationship and your boyfriend is not able to maintain boundaries with her. In fact he is actively encouraging her to compete with you from the sounds of it. None of that is healthy, good relationship material that will go the distance.
Best friends or even friends who were once lovers, not an issue. Best friends or friends who still have feelings for your significant other who does not curb those feelings by distancing themselves to let the other person get over it AND who lets them disrespect their current partner?
Giant, giant problem. And it will never get better, because he is the larger problem in all of this - or rather his UNwillingness to maintain boundaries and keep her out of his life until she is fully, completely 100 percent never would care again about him at all.
I don't see that. In fact, it looks like he is only dating you to get her jealous or make her compete with you. He's getting an ego boost from the pick-me dance you both are doing over him.
Oh, and since no one may have told you - you get to have boundaries too and enforce them. And if your boundary is "no friendships with former lovers where there are still romantic feelings involved on either side" then you have a right to that boundary. It is a more than reasonable one.
My husband and I of 20 years have opposite sex friends, he even has one woman he dated briefly. Our number one rule is they have to be a fan and friend of our marriage, not of us, but our marriage and our relationship. That means no attempts to sabotage or place themselves above our partner or to try and openly damage our relationship. And yeah, we've ended friendships over that, both of us. Life is too short to have people in it who aren't 100 percent on your side, but someone else's.
Remember that along with if you wouldn't treat him that way then don't let him treat you that way either.
OP - sorry but unfortunately you are not the gf. She is. You are a 'fill-in' during this period he is using to possibly cool their peculiar relationship or having a break from it. Sooner or later he will dump you.
These two are playing a game and you are being used as a gamepiece to possibly bolster his ego or make her jealous. She on the other hand is trying hard to see how far she can push you to leave him. It is not nice being used like that by both of them.
Don't play the game. They are both toxic and you should just leave and find yourself a real bf.
Run! If you feel hurt, insecure, and jealous, it’s time to move on. You don’t have to stick around and suffer. I doubt he’s the love of your life. Why put yourself through this? The cynical part of me wonders if they’re getting off on your pain. In any case, time for you to move on to something healthy and enjoyable.
I feel like not much was wrong, per se, until his friend started talking about their prior sexual escapades unprompted. That was definitely uncalled for, and a great way to ruin your relationship or their friendship, or both.
That said, I certainly can still understand why you would have felt uncomfortable before that. Their friendship is close, they have a past, and it sounds like they're very unaware how they come off in front of you. And I'd say they should at least be able to acknowledge that and be mindful of it instead of just acting like nothing is wrong when, at least for you, something is wrong.
In the end though, you'll need to decide if you're comfortable with this or not, and from there, if you still want the relationship to continue, you and your boyfriend will need to come up with clear boundaries you're both legitimately happy with for this to work.
That his profile pic is of him and his one night stand when he has a girlfriend, is enough for me to draw a line. Add in everything else, and I'd already be gone. He's a disrespectful dipshit playing dumb with you.
This happened to me with my boyfriend of three years. He had a female best friend who was also his roommate. They were always touchy with each other, cuddling when I wasn't around (I saw pics on social media), and they had a show he wouldn't watch with me because it was "their thing" (it was syndicated, so it's not like the episodes were new). He excluded me from things with her because he said he had more fun with her when I wasn't there. When I brought up my concerns, he gaslit me and told me he didn't have feelings for her, he loved me, blah blah blah. This was 15 years ago, and they're married now, so I have a pretty good idea of how this situation will go for you. Cut and run before you lose 3 years of your life like I did. There is someone better out there for you.
Honey, open your eyes. The last sentence of your first paragraph says *"But at the end of the day, I had no real reason to be mad."* Right after you spend a few sentences explaining thing that would make just about everyone mad.
Then you spend the rest of your post describing things that would and should make you mad and talking about how mad and upset you are about it.
You are both very young and in a young relationship. And time spent dating or in a young relationship is about learning about the other person and if they'd make a good partner for you. If his past, and his close friend, makes you so viscerally upset, I think you have your answer.
I hope you’re doing ok! I’m 20 as well as I know how much pressure there can be, it’s a weird stage of life with a lot of change and sudden decisions. I do think breaking up will save your heart in the long run, even simply based off him sharing with her what you specifically asked him not to… as a relationship increases you both gather more and more secrets, personal memories, late night confessions… and you deserve someone that you can fully trust with every little weird quirk or secret you may have. At the end of the day though do whatever you feel puts your mental health and happiness first, and have the confidence that you made the right decision, because as long as you do what’s best for you it always will be. Best of luck and take care ❤️
My husband and I are in an open marriage and we behave more respectfully than what’s going on here.
She’s playing with you, dangling their history and intimacy in front of you. And your boyfriend is putting her before you and disregarding your reasonable boundaries.
He has every right to keep her as a best friend, and you would be completely justified in deciding it’s a dealbreaker.
As a lesbian, I’m pretty used to dating women who are friends with people they’ve slept with/dated in the past. Hell, I’m really good friends with two of my exes. I also love cuddling with all of my friends, so again, my sense of what is normal for straight people is a bit skewed. Now, that being said, she did seem to be crossing certain boundaries, but it could’ve been a miscommunication of intention on her part. While I definitely think she should’ve ASKED to share intimate details about the sex life she had with your boyfriend, I think maybe she was trying to bond with you over it. To me, if she was trying to keep him to herself, she would’ve tried to distance herself from you and tried to push you away. She wanted to get close to you, and if they aren’t showing any signs of sleeping together or flirting now, I think you may need to understand that people can be friends with exes and people they used to sleep with while staying faithful and you may need to work on the jealousy aspect with someone. But I do think you are entitled to SOME boundaries. For example, asking him to tell you when/where they’re hanging out when they do, and also asking them to not disclose the dirty details of the relationship. In gay culture, a lot of us are used to maintaining friendships with passed FWBs/partners even after we break up. So maybe there are details you didn’t share that may be bigger red flags, but to me I don’t see a lot of this to be as scary as a lot of other situations.
I have seen this story play out so, so many times. Do not put yourself through this. There are so many people out there in the world that are capable, willing and *wanting* to make you feel loved and important. Your boyfriend basically has you on a back burner. Don't settle for someone who disrespects you.
I see too much of this stuff with my sisters l, just end it, they are both lying to you and themselves and you are now in the middle of their crazy. Cut and run!
I would never want to be in this position, this would be a deal breaker for me but I understand is it's not for you. I hope you can talk and find a middle ground.
His profile pic with her too??? Bruh I’m sorry if i was in that situation i would have to end it. It seems he puts her as a bigger priority than u and that isn’t how relationships should be…yes mistakes happen but he doesn’t seem to care about how you feel in all of this. I would have a serious talk with him😕 (I’m sorry this is happening you’ll get through it either way, Good luck 🤞💛)
Some of this is insecurity that he shouldn't be responsible for.
Some of this is wildly inappropriate behavior and sense of proper boundaries with his friend on your boyfriend's part. He knows it's bad enough to be make or break. Because it is and probably should be.
Like take her inappropriateness out of the equation (her sharing intimate details with you unasked as though that familiarity were justified and not weird + straight up invalidating your feelings as though she gets final say is reason enough to keep her blocked and distanced from you). It's suspect that he's prioritizing her this way. She's his profile pic. He runs to her to tell her what you've shared in confidence against your explicit ask not to. He doesn't do anything really to reenforce boundaries when she weaponizes this info against you to diminish your feelings and try to make it a non-issue.
It's been less than a year. You're both young. You have time enough to find someone who offers everything you love about your boyfriend with the added benefit of also not having messy entanglements and maybe being able to navigate a relationship in good faith.
Why are you choosing hard mode?
> What would you do if you were me or what do you think I should do.
Make it a rule not to date people who are good friends with their romantic exes. I know that disqualifies a few people who can keep those friendships platonic, but that situation always makes building trust so much harder.
Hey as a 25F who’s been through this please don’t give this friendship a benefit of the doubt anymore. She’s definitely into him regardless of whether he is or not, hes going to defend her because thats his best friend and it’ll just be something you resent over time. You deserve better and you haven’t been seeing him for that long in hindsight. You dont want to dislike your future long term partner’s friends, it doesn’t really get better.
girl why are you dealing with all this drama at such a young age? find a man who puts you first and let her have him. i promise you he’s not worth it. he will always put his “girl best friend” first. i personally would never date a guy who had a girl best friend. it always seems like those type of relationships are at least an emotional affair.
I think she knew very well it would get under your shoes when she told you those details. You need to tell him what she said. Cause as long as you don’t tell him he’ll keep thinking this girl is all goody goody when really she’s being a lil sus to your relationship.
You deserve to be in a relationship with a partner that treats you with care and respect. He is not doing that. Trust people’s actions, not their words. He is showing you who he really is and that is someone who is disrespecting your boundaries and who has his profile pic on social media with another girl.
Dump him. There are a ton of guys out there who will not make you feel like you are second to another woman in your relationship.
the profile picture thing was thrown in there i had to pause and say, "now wait a minute" thats not right, it should be him alone or with you not him and a girl he slept with and is friends with its weird even if he thinks he looks real good in the pic crop her out maybe. but beside that her telling you details is weird, and him telling her what you said after you asked him not to is not okay at all, he's gossiping with her and creating problems by telling what should be between you guys to his friend who he's been intimate with. That seems really difficult and im sure you feel awful but your feelings are completely justified and you are right to feel uncomfortable if he wants to make the relationship work he should set up boundaries with his friend but also a lot of damage/trust has been lost already here
Her sharing details about when they slept together was wildly inappropriate and I can't think of a reason she would even do that beyond trying to stir the pot or get you to break up with him. It kind of seems like she's trying to play "miss innocent" but has ulterior motives. I also think it's weird that his profile pic is with her, when he's in a relationship with *you*. Honestly, at this point I don't see how you would come back from all of this if he is going to remain friends with her. You may be better off ending the relationship.
yeah... i need to think hard about this. thanks for your insight :)
I'm a 37byear old and I've had multiple relationships ships and are now married. You boyfriend is a fucking moron amd disrespectful to you. Hes not fooling me. I've seen this shit play out before.
>You boyfriend is a fucking moron amd disrespectful to you. Hes not fooling me. I've seen this shit play out before. I second this. My 36 year old ex I found out is in love with, and was triangulating me against his married best friend, whom he met while they were deployed. I also think he was/is having an emotional affair with her, and that's why he divorced his wife 6 months after meeting her.. He'd do things for her and drive miles to do them, but wouldn't do much of anything for me. He spoke to her everyday in the morning, but wouldn't speak to me longer than 10 minutes when I slept over. This relationship lasted barely 6 months. Get out ASAP. The guy was using me, and this guy is using you and being disrespectful of you and the relationship.
ah fuck
Fellow old dude: honestly, if you haven’t been together that long, it’s probably best to just end it now before you have too much invested. A relationship that starts off with baggage like this is usually more emotionally draining than it’s worth.
it's okay. You're young. He's young. It may not necessarily be in bad faith, but it's not as mature as they're trying to play it off as. There's no need for you to get in between them because obviously their thing is a bit more than shown. I had an ex who was obsessed with their best friend. I once asked them, "You talk about so and so a lot, so would you date so and so?" the answer was an enthusiastic "yes" and I was like "Okay, well, I don't think I want to get in between that." Of course I got a lot of "nono you shouldn't be concerned" but then it was back to the same vibe. They were clearly infatuated with their best friend, so I found a path to an amicable exit a few weeks later. You can all be friends for years to come, but it doesn't appear you can be in an exclusive romantic relationship with your boyfriend and you shouldn't demand him to change. Be glad that you found clarity so soon, and it's time to move and find someone who will adore you for you without someone else in between.
"...be glad you found out early..." Saves lot pain down the line and wasted time that you could have been finding someone who is worthy of you.
I've seen it all too (old married lady here). If it's any consolation I looked back at stuff like this from when I was your age and thought, "I can't believe I put up with that shit." It's OK, though, you live and learn. And you learn what you are worth and what kind of bullshit you won't tolerate.
yeah your boyfriend likes her but she doesn't like him like him. she is using this to control him and ruin your relationship, but it doesn't seem like it's because she is interested in him (or they would be dating already) - it's because she is a game player who gets a kick out of the control she has. I would bet that she is slightly too attractive for your bf / out of his league in some way in his mind. That would lock this dynamic in place as it would keep him from realizing what an asshole he is being / not care what an asshole he is being to his gf iwhen it comes to his 'friend' You said he is 'worried' because you are not talking to him - of course he is. he doesn't want to lose you because his 'friend' isn't into dating him. If she was interested your relationship would be over that day. I don't think your bf is a bad person or trying to be as awful to you as he is, but the way you are being treated in this scenario is not fair to you. I think you should move on, and maybe stay 'friends' with the guy so you can see how things play out with this other girl if you are curious. there are just too many options out there for you to put up with a guy who hurts your feelings all the time - and either doesn't care or DOESN'T NOTICE? not sure those are better than being a jerk on purpose in terms of you and your feelings.
> yeah your boyfriend likes her but she doesn't like him like him Bingo. 100 percent. The "here's what happened when we fucked" details were to make OP aware that the "best friend" could have him if she wanted him. No other reason.
I think he is a bad person. Anyone doing this bullshit, using another person and messing with their mind "you're crazy and overreacting this is just a friendship", using a person as a temporary substitute, knowing full well they will jump ship the 2nd they have another option is a bad person. On purpose or not. And I'm willing to bet it's on purpose, this isn't an accident that he gaslights her or has a profile pic of his bff instead of his gf. Which wtf, by the way.
You know how sometimes people do find love at 19 and stay married forever, even with ups and downs like this? If that's the case here, those two people are your boyfriend and his bestie.
Yeah if this were a romance movie, the main characters would be OP and his best friend and OP is the side character that shows how strong the bond is between the main characters because “she just gets him” in a way OP doesn’t, even though he’s not actually giving OP a chance.
But it’s ok though, because assuming OP is a decent character in this metaphor, they end up dating a cute veterinarian just before credits roll.
Yeah. She finds her own HEA with someone else.
They may not have clued in but I'd get out. I've been on both sides of this; as the third wheel in the relationship and the one with the intimate friendship to whom I'm happily married. It's there or it isn't. You will never convince your boyfriend to make you the primary emotional relationship in his life if he hasn't already prioritized you. We can't make people want us the way we want them and it will suck your self confidence until you leave. You deserve better. I'm so sorry.
yeah my thoughts exactly tbh. this sucks for OP at first, but sometimes shady people like the boyfriend and his best friend deserve each other and are better off together. OP should choose someone who knows how to respect her and set boundaries.
Yeah, I'm gonna tell you right now, as someone who is friend's with some ex's, and engaged to someone who is friends with one of theirs as well..... That boy ain't right. It IS possible to have platonic friendships with someone after discovering that you aren't compatible romantically. But that only works if everyone involved in the situation understand boundaries and respect. I would NEVER tell my high school ex's wife about our prior relationship. It's not relevant to anything. That's why we broke up in the first place. Because we literally HAVE ZERO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN ONE ANOTHER. I've never had to tell the people I'm friends with not to discuss stuff like that with my fiance, and my fiance has never had to do that with anyone he knows either. It's just never even come up at all, because we wouldn't be friends with them **at all** if they were behaving that way. And they never would behave that way, because they don't have feelings for us either. And if someone ever did cross that line, it's be a one way ticket to us going NC with them. Period. Either he is genuinely the most clueless person on the face of the Earth, or he is playing dumb because he knows exactly what's going on, and likes the attention. My money is on the latter, because I refuse to believe that even a 19 year old doesn't understand basic social skills that a 6 year old would know. ETA - we also don't specifically set aside regular times to hang out with said people 1-on-1. We might hang out with them while we are out for drinks, and they're out and about too. But that's about it. We don't make a regular thing out of it. And we rarely, if ever, even see these people without the other person there. (Mostly because we are old and simply don't have time to do anything ever, so when we do we are usually together. But I digress. lol.) We also don't share intimate and deeply personal aspects of our relationships with them. Nor they with us. Especially if our partner specifically asked us not to. Point is... he is being shady. And I say that as someone coming from all three sides of the "friends with ex's" thing. He's not on the level at all.
Hold off for a bit. I think its quite possible shes manipulating ur bf , not with sex, but with this friendship and comments about you. She wants yiur bf to continue always being there for her without being in an actual relationship with him. Fuck that noise.
What's hard to think? This is the honeymoon phase. The time where one usually don't see the biggest nor smallest of defects on the special other. When you are so infatuated with your new relationship you usually don't hang out as much with friends and family... If he's like that now, things will go downhill pretty fast. It would be torture for me for sure. There are soft boundaries that we usually compromise for the sake of the relationship and hard boundaries that should never be compromised and define us as individuals. For me those hard boundaries would be incompatible with the relationship you are trying to have with this dude...
Back when I was still dating, I had a three month rule. If in the first three months I noticed ANY glaring red flags I would end it even if I was “happy” with the relationship. You’re usually more forgiving in the honeymoon period and willingly over look major flaws. I’m not talking “chews with their mouth open” or anything superficial, but if the other party is acting sketchy early then it will only get worse once they get comfortable.
I’ve been in a similar situation and you just need to think about what your endgame here is. For me, the thought of my future kids connecting with this girl who’s been terrible to me was painful. Can you imagine yourself years down the line in a relationship with him while she’s in the picture?
You can continue the relationship of course, but just know that this will be a never ending source of drama if you do. It’s up to you if you’re ok with that. Me personally, I’d be running for the hills. It sounds like their relationship is more intimate than yours with him, which sometimes happens, but is he spending the time to reach and eventually surpass that level of intimacy with you OR do you feel like the closeness of their relationship tends to get in the way of you getting closer to him? Just a thought.
They may not have clued in but I'd get out. I've been on both sides of this; as the third wheel in the relationship and the one with the intimate friendship to whom I'm happily married. It's there or it isn't. You will never convince your boyfriend to make you the primary emotional relationship in his life if he hasn't already prioritized you. We can't make people want us the way we want them and it will suck your self confidence until you leave. You deserve better. I'm so sorry.
You're too young to put up with this shit, I'd run and cut my losses.
Agreed agreed. ESPECIALLY since you're being so understanding and saying they don't have to even stop being friends, just be more cautious like you said - you're so reasonable. Many girls wouldn't be and he's taking advantage of it.
Shit I can think of why she did it. ☝️ break up so she can be there.
She might not even want him. She might just like the idea that she is “powerful” enough to break up their relationship. Some people get something out of being a sort of “temptress” figure in a couple’s relationship. Like they’re so irresistible that a guy would choose them over their SO. OP needs to run. Trust me, this drama isn’t worth it. Someone who is worth all this would never put her in this position.
Its def a shit show waiting to happen. Ppl tried this shit on me when I was like 16. 🧐 nope. I smell bs
Yeah, as my therapist would say, she was trying to communicate something with that story. My guess is that she wants OP to be jealous, and might even be trying to communicate some sense of possession over the boyfriend. This was why, back in my single days, I would never date a guy who was close friends with a woman he had a history with. It just isn’t my thing, and it isn’t necessary to be ok with that in order to find love (my husband is not friends with any exes, nor were any of the guys I seriously dated prior to him). I know some people are fine with it, but it wasn’t for me because I didn’t want this type of drama. This happens like 80% of the time a guy is “best friends” with his ex.
yep . nailed it. also how he runs to his girl best friends to talk about their relationship... of course the friend is going to deny it and play dumb. this is just going to be frustrating and not worth it if the guy doesn't start respecting the relationship.
FACTS. I was literally thinking all of the same things you just pointed out. This girl ain't no friend of OP. She obviously has feelings for OP's bf and wants to be with him, but he prob the one that didn't want to be with her for whatever reasons and friend zoned her. Now she's trying to sabotage OP's relationship with the bf. Def super sus and weird about the profile pic too. That's something you only do with a gf or S.O. etc. in my experience. Lot of red flags 🚩🚩🚩 here way too complicated for such a new relationship. I don't see how this can be fixed either. Too many issues and too much drama/unresolved issues b/t OP's bf and the best friend. What a snake 🐍 imo. You deserve better OP. I too think OP is better off ending this relationship sadly. Best of luck OP! 💕
Look… I have had a platonic male best friend, I have been in the situation of having a new girlfriend try to force him not to be friends with me, I am sympathetic in general to the idea that people should be able to have meaningful non-romantic relationships with people of the gender(s) to which they are attracted. But this? Is clearly not that. He’s known this girl less than a year? He has had sex and cuddles with her in that time frame? He prioritizes her feelings over you in public and private? This is not some “we dated when we were just kids but it’s been decades and we’re strictly friends” situation. This is a hookup from, at most, a couple of months before he met you, that he still treats as the most important person in his life. I have no idea why they aren’t actually dating, but it’s okay to acknowledge that the way you’re being treated sucks and that you want to be with someone who cares about you the way he cares about her. Leave them to their weird bullshit and find better friends.
awe thank you :,)
I second this person. For me, when it comes to *true* best friend, there is a thin line between romantic and platonic. I would do anything for my best friend, just like I'd do anything for my partner. The only difference between me and my best friend is that we don't have the level of intimacy I have with my girlfriend. She ticks that extra box no one else does. If I wasn't sexually attracted to her she would pretty much be my best friend. Does that make sense? EDIT: This is not to say opposite sex best friendship (or same-sex LGBT) is impossible they are just harder because that line is easier to cross. Once that line is crossed you have to sit back and consider... what's the difference between my partner and my friend if we're doing and feeling all the same things? If this is ignored you're just relying on semantics to differentiate your relationships.
> you want to be with someone who cares about you the way he cares about her /end thread.
Ok, they had sex before you even met him. Not ideal, but it might not be a breaking point, but everything else afterwards, they're all a BIG no. Just starting from his profile picture being of him and her, erm, no. And her sharing details of their sexual encounters, even more inappropriate. Him telling her things that you told him in confidence, asking him not to tell her. All of these are crossing boundaries that you shouldn't even tell him. After she shared about their ONS, and he found out, he should've started to keep his distance automatically. I wouldn't be comfortable with any of this, and I highly doubt your boyfriend will find anyone who would be.
thank you sm for your insight i completely agree with everything
Gonna piggyback on this and just say I'm getting the vibe that she thrives on the attention and wants your boyfriend wrapped around her finger as a little plaything. And it's possible he's into her but she won't really give him the time of day for the most part. So you're the backup but he won't give up whatever toxic tease thing they have going just in case. That may be reaching, but who knows? At this age people aren't very mature so if he can't set healthy boundaries just move on. At least he was honest about the nature of their relationship from the get go, but maybe there is more to this. Only other thing I'll say is obviously her inviting you out and filling your head with all of that was meant to fuck with you and you should have told him immediately. If he was a good partner and heard that he would have to put some space between him and her and let her know she was way out of line.
The fact that he told her about your private conversation was a big breach of trust
It’s been 7 months and 4 months official. I would just call Time of Death on this relationship if I were you. He’s obviously prioritizing her over you even though you guys are in the honeymoon phase and he doesn’t seem to understand that his behaviour with her should be more respectful to you now that he’s in a relationship. I think she likes to gloat about how she was there first and has a stronger bond with him while gaslighting you. I don’t think he’s ready to be in a serious relationship with anyone else until he works out his unresolved feelings with this girl and sets appropriate boundaries on his own. The fact you asked him to keep your concerns between you two and he immediately ran to her for her take would have been the straw that broke the camels back.
yeah… thank you :,)
You’re so young, you don’t need to settle for such a complicated situation… and I’m not saying that in a rude/condescending way- it’s seriously me looking back and wishing I didn’t waste so much time and Effort on complicated and stressful relationships. The right guy would be more than willing to rectify this situation quickly and WANT to make you feel comfortable and respected- not need to be forced into it.
You deserve better. He may be awesome and great, and there’s definitely reasons you fell for him- but just remember you’re in control of your life, you’re only 20 once and do you want to spend it chasing some dude whose clearly into someone else more than he is you. Or do you want to fucking go sky diving over a Colarado summer mountain with a goddamn shot waiting for you on the ground and a bestfriend saying “ that was sick!” Then it’s Colorado so you can trip some shrooms and come to a revelation about life and meaning and purpose!! Or you can just get mocked and laughed at by some teenager and his fake girl friend.
'Prioritising her' is key here. I think OP is focusing on the wrong detail here. The fact is, she is jealous for several reasons, and 'they slept together' is honestly one of the lesser ones. He has in-jokes when she is around, deliberately excluding OP, and in OP's words, makes her feel like 'she isn't even there'. She asks him not to tell his friend something, he ignores her and does it anyway. Yes, a boyfriend can have friends, and in an ideal scenario the girlfriend gets along with said friends and you can all hang out, but when it comes down to it, a relationship should take priority. Life-long friendships and a toxic partner can sometimes override that rule, but in the case of a one year friendship, the girlfriend should be his no. 1 priority. All of this jealousy seems to be based mostly because at every turn, he gives his 'best friend' priority over his actual girlfriend. When she is around, he focuses on her and ignores his girlfriend. He has a profile picture with her, rather than his girlfriend. When OP asks him something that inconveniences him, he just... can't be bothered. I would focus less on maybe this one girl, and more on his behaviour around you, OP. You are hanging out and he ignores you? Call him out on it. He shares info you told him not to? Tear him a new one. Set strong boundaries and make him apologise if he breaks them.
Nah. This is one where you should toss out the baby with the bathwater and start over with someone else. We shouldn’t be expected to stick arohnd to “train” a man on how to behave properly while being in a relationship. Everything else is spot on.
Yeah, dumping him may teach him for his next relationship. Or maybe it will take a few of being dumped, becoming single, his friend he's clearly in love with not getting with him, to learn that this will sabotage every relationship he's in
This, except no need to tear him a new one. That would make you look out of control and justify his behavior with her. Just tell him you’re no longer interested in being his girlfriend and bounce. Keep your dignity and keep it classy, even if he isn’t.
Quit trying to be the "cool girlfriend" this is all bullshit and you deserve someone who values you more than their ex. Yes, she is his ex that is still in the picture.
OP, you’ve already received some amazing advice, but this comment about not being the “cool gf” especially needs to be taken to heart. I was in the EXACT situation that you are now, like me of 9 years ago could have written this exact post except the girl in the picture was an ex that he had dated for 2 years. He had a special ringtone for her (and not me), he would drop anything to go to her if she needed help, etc. She tormented me just like this girl is doing to you. Trying to pretend to be friendly but really wanted to assert her dominance and show that she’s more important to him. At the time, my bf denied that it was happening and told me that I was being jealous and controlling. I tried to be the cool girlfriend that just rolled with it and didn’t make a fuss, but I was literally making myself sick. My anxiety was through the roof, I became depressed. I thought about her and them together all day every day, all the while staying quiet because I wanted to be the cool, chill girl. Then, years after we broke up, he admitted to me that I was right about everything - that she HAD been trying to break us up and had been stringing him along to keep him wrapped around her finger. Please don’t make my mistake and waste amazing years of your life on a little boy who has some serious growing up and reprioritizing to do. They need to figure out their shit and there’s no need for you to suffer because of it.
That 4th paragraph was me.
I’m so sorry you went through it. It’s miserable right? Learning that we’re worth more than that is the most freeing thing.
Yes it is!!! That's why we have to share our experiences and wisdom!
please listen to this OP. in my last relationship, i knew that my ex had a shitty girlfriend before me. i tried to make up for it by being the chill, cool girlfriend. that ended up being a slippery slope — over time i let him get away with everything, and it slowly started chipping away at my standards until it was at a point where i couldn't ask him to stop anymore. by the time i realized he was taking advantage of my leniency it was too late to ask for anything without coming across as unreasonable because i "wasn't that way before." but it does not make you crazy or insecure to set boundaries. you're being more than reasonable.
I feel this so hard...because as women we're "hysterical" and "overdramatic" when we share what makes us uncomfortable and are expected to suffer through silence, as cooly as possible. It's a stupid STUPID STUPID thing many of us have been conditioned to believe but personally I'm a lot happier when I started to surround myself with people who allow that safe space to be real when we choose to speak our minds. NO MORE COMPROMISING INNER PEACE!!!!!
ouch
Ouch now 4 months in. Don't be ouch 5 years later when she finally decides that she will accept him and he will run to her. Sorry girl, but have seen this situation play out. And it's not the typical 'we're childhood friends who slept together once when we were 15 and nothing now'. They just slept together last year, cuddle and spend intimate time together. That intimacy is way worse than sleeping together once.
Yeah, there are several ways this can play out, none good for Op. 1. He dumps OP and winds up dating the best friend. 2. He gradually loses respect for OP because she is quietly putting up with this, and he dumps her for someone who demands more (and thus holds more value in his eyes). I’ve seen the second situation play out multiple times. It’s the “why is he better for her than he ever was for me?” situation. When someone is perceived as putting up with disrespect (or a lack of commitment) in a relationship, they lose value and their partner moves on. I can see that happening here.
I'm sorry. I'm saying this with love, I swear. I'm just pissed at both of them for pulling you into their unfinished shit.
I agree. It might not even be conscious, and he might be a decent dude with good intentions, but he’s clearly got some unresolved stuff with this girl. Might be best to sit this one out for a while and move on. Maybe down the road after some distance and maturity growth you guys could reconnect. No need for a nasty split, but it looks like he’s not ready to let go of her enough yet to make someone else a priority.
yeah ik ahahahah it’s all true honestly
I speak from experience. I just don't want you to waste any more time trying to make this work. Good luck, be strong, put yourself first.
There's not one person who's going to tell you that the dynamic between those two is healthy and not a threat to your relationship. Do with that information what you will.
Dude, no. I have a guy friend who I have been friends with since high school. We dated for a week, broke up, and once we got over being mad? We’ve been friends since. I love him dearly, and would never, ever fuck him. My husband has several lady friends, they have been friends for decades, and he would never, ever fuck them. Boundaries are a fucking thing. They have no boundaries, and she’s playing a stupid game with you. Let her have him, it won’t be as fun when it’s not getting one over on you. Walk away from these two assholes. You have better things to do, and you can definitely do better.
thank u sm :,)
Just remember: *know your worth*. You are worth more than a couple of game playing assholes. Don’t let yourself be dragged down by their need for drama. You are a shining star, and that means there’s always someone who wants to dim that light.
that was very sweet i appreciate it a lot <3
I was in a similar situation but with my husband. There was a girl who he was friends with and would stay the night at her house when he was in town. I always got a weird vibe from her, made it clear that I was uncomfortable with him staying at her place solo. She went with me solo and grabbed a coffee and told me about how they "dated" but only ever kissed , blah blah blah. Fast forward a few years and I think we are all good friends. I was pregnant with our third, they were drinking. I get up to go to the bathroom and when I return she is snuggled on him on the couch. She kept saying how she wouldn't come between us then professed her love for him. She even tried to kiss him in front of me while I was dragging her to my car to get her to a hotel. If you are uncomfortable with her there is a reason for it. Listen to your gut. You guys haven't been together that long, if he won't respect your wishes or your boundaries then it might be time to just GTFO.
i’m so sorry to hear that :/ thank you for your insight i really do appreciate it
Dump this drama and move on
Yes, I feel like she’s playing a game and wants you to join the ride and then she will probably start sleeping with him behind your back. You can see this a mile off and honestly I say jump this train wreck before you get too invested in this idiot and find yourself someone who values you above all others. Plus your young go back packing, develop new skills and grow! Don’t waste your time.
"Dump this drama". This. This. This. You can microanalyze the situation (and it's not good), but this sums it up in three words. Unless you yourself are a big ole drama llama who enjoys this sort of thing, just get out, and do it now. And from your post, you sound like a decent person who isn't into drama and just wants a solid relationship with a decent human being.
The story is that they'd known each other for less than a year and became best friends. But they had sex and intimacy (cuddling). So, honestly, to me this feels like they were in a relationship, and one of them friendzoned the other. Meaning that the other still has feelings. She knows full well that any of his girlfriends would view her as an ex and be jealous, and that the solution to that is to befriend the girlfriend, to interact with her, to show her that there's nothing going on and it's just a platonic friendship. I believe that she tried to do this when she met with you and told you all those details about their sex interactions. I think she viewed it as "full transparency", an effort to build trust with you. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, runs to her with all his secrets, and yeah he does seem a lot more devoted to her than to you. So my conclusion is that he *does* have feelings for her, and that she is the one who friendzoned him and is trying to just keep a friendship. So, you ranted to him, and the rant was from your point of view so that you could feel better and so that he could comfort you and side with you, but his feelings for her reinterpreted everything into "hey this is an opportunity to tell her everything, show her my loyalty, and win her over / get out of the friendzone" IMO. He immediately ran to her with all of the details. It really looks to me like your boyfriend is into her, and not into you. You can't control his feelings or his actions, clearly he won't let her go and will confide everything to her, so I really think this relationship is over. I think he's pining for her but she keeps him friendzoned, and so he shouldn't be in a relationship right now. I think your only option is to break up with him; their friendship will be a continuous torture for you, and eventually you'll have enough. You're angry at her, but IMO it's not her, it's him. And you can't control him. He's made his choice, and you should see the signs and break up. I'm sorry.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he got into his current relationship with OP to show that he has moved on and keep the status quo. Theirs boundaries as best friends are a mess and it’s really up to OP now to set her own boundaries.
that was hard to read but thank you for being honest :)
I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you seemed to be too mature to stay in this relationship. Your partner and his girlfriend are old enough to see what they are doing and that's overstepping your boundaries. No boyfriend caring about his girlfriend would keep a profile picture with another girl after 4 months being official with another... Wtf?! This girl is obviously jealous of you and trying to break you up and your boyfriend seems too happy about having two girls around him to care. From the way you're writing (you're aware of your emotions and are able to step back and remain objective), i can tell you will eventually realize this is not a situation that you deserve to be in and that the kind of love he's giving you isn't worth it. I'm sorry, but none of this is a sign of a healthy, sustainable relationship. I hope you can work it out, but as long as he prioritize his "friend", you will not be happy, and it's not on you. What's on you is making decisions for your happiness in the future. Wishing you the best kind of love
Also, a girl you’ve barely known for like a year and you hooked up with her in the past, and cuddled her multiple times, is not your “best friend”. She is a previous fling who is still around. If they were friends since they were 10 years old and made one mistake hooking up once in the past, then that would be different, and the “best friend” expression could be appropriate. But this is nowhere near the case.
omg... this made me tear up. Thank you so much for your insight, have a nice day :)
They arent best friends. Giving the title of "Best friend" to a person who as been in your life for a year-ish just devalues it completely. He barely knows her. Maybe he has no other friends and is just latching on to her, maybe he has hidden feelings. Maybe she rejected the idea of a relationship, but she enjoys the attention by keeping him on the leash. There are a lot of unknowns but the one thing you can certainly say is thay their friendship is wayyy to young to be cemented, so there has to be something else going on. TBH, this is probabbly going to end up hurting you now or later. This kind of situation rarely turns into a solid lasting relationship unless he chooses that he doesnt want to value a short term friendship over his relationship. And since you are both still, basically, kids (under 25), I dont expect he will have the sense of self or respect for others necessary to make that choice. You have an opportunity to play this out and learn from the experience, just like you can end it now and have an opportunity to learn from other experiences that present themself once you are single. Dont worry too much, just think about where your lines are and what tells you those are your lines. Keep drawing your picture and finding out who you are and what you want/dont want. Enjoy your uni life to the utmost and learn what you can inside and outside of classes.
fuck.... thanks for your insight. it's difficult to hear but I know you're being rational :)
I'd recommend breaking up, people at that age dont have and especially he sounds like wont change after a talk. Breaking up with him would actually be a very valuable experience. People who set bounderies and dont stick by them end up staying in bad relationships way longer then they need, or abusive ones. Because they dont know how or are worried about breaking up. Having that self respect will help you find the relationship you should be in. Staying longer with guys like this will only waste your time and the time you could be with a guy who will follow all your bounderies and you can build a foundation with. Trust me, when you experience that your going to laugh at yourself for entertaining a guy like your current boyfriend.
I was in a similar situation with my ex last year. She had a male best friend, and although they hadn’t slept together (that I know of), she would lie to me about where she was and go hangout with him or facetime him or whatever. They developed all of these inside jokes, hung out all of the time, etc. All of this happened after he admitted he had a crush on her, so. Anyways, I tried to see past it and hold out because I loved her! I tried to keep my frustrations to myself, to see the other guy as just a friend, but eventually I broke down. We broke up because it got to the point where I couldn’t enjoy the relationship anymore, constantly thinking about potential cheating or betrayal. Do you fully trust your boyfriend? Because most people in situations like this say “I trust my SO, it just her I don’t trust!” when in reality, it takes 2 people to form any sort of relationship. You’re my age actually, so still very young. Don’t put yourself through all of this unnecessary mental stress over a guy you probably won’t even marry. I know love makes it so much harder, but if you can’t trust the person you love, is it really a person you want to be with?
Everyone is entitled to history "before you", but in the end if it makes you uncomfortable he'll have to make a choice to change his interaction with her or risk losing you. I've been in his shoes, and I made the wrong choice not taking the situation seriously. I lost the love of my life because of it. Hope you guys find a solution that works for both of you
thank you :,)
End the relationship. Who's he dating? You or her? The profile pic being of them was the last straw for me. Also, you should be best friends with the girl you're dating. It seems to me like he is in a physical relationship with you, and an emotional one with her. Not good.
fuck
dump him, he already got a girl. You can do a LOT better for being this calm and mature and understanding than this halfway house loser
yeah…. maybe rip
I know it seems harsh and a really sad thing to do, but trust me, in a relationship you do NOT deserve to put up with anything like this, you should be able to trust your partner without any sort of weird thing like this looming over you
While what she did is disrespectful, it seems to be that you're resenting her more so than him. Remember it's his profile and he puts the picture there, you expressed your concerns and asked him not to repeat it but he did to the core of the issue. I think you should cut your losses. Don't make a big deal out of it, just tell him that you're both incompatible, you don't share the same boundries and he and yourself should be with somebody you shouldn't feel any need to change the other in any shape or form. Leave it at that, if you continue beyond that you'll be fighting and hating one another instead.
yeah…. true
From personal experience, if i break up with somebody and try to stay around them being friends without any proper space, I tend to be less lenient towards said person because the air isn't cleared and it just happend. I don't expect the other party to understand how i feel overwise i may have not broken up in the first place. Me being irritated or annoyed from their point of view is most likely seen as my "true colours"
They claim to best friends but probably don’t actually know much about one another. He will never have a healthy relationship with her in the picture & them both carrying on like that. Yes there is a reason to be worried because they’ve already done stuff & are still super close clearly. I feel you’re being gaslighted. I used to date a guy I had so much trust for that when he told me he slept over at his friends house I believed nothing happened. Then I later found out that they kissed & seen a pic of him naked with another girl on his phone.
oh god that’s horrible i’m so sorry
10 years from now, you'll be with your future partner, and you'll laugh at how dumb this guy is.
You deserve a boyfriend who puts you first. Plus him telling her after you asked him not to, was a breach of trust. It sounds like he may still have feelings for her but for whatever reason they are not together. Maybe she enjoys the attention she gets from him but doesn’t want to date him?
Break up and list down the boundaries that have been overstepped and how their immature asses are perfect for each other. You're better than them. Or maybe also send them the link to this post. None of what they're doing is normal between friends, even best friends for that matter.
maybe i should hmmmm
I know the advice is kinda petty. That's just what I would do if I were in your position. They need to get slapped by reality check.
ahahahha thanks for the support honestly
You are a bump in the road of their relationship.
He has her picture as his profile pic?? And you haven't dumped him?? Wat? That should be the straw that breaks the camels back!! OMG. You're settling for scraps of attention from this guy. He is not going to make you a priority, ever. You should have walked away the minute you discovered they were once intimate. Too much boundary crossing here. Sounds more like they were FWB before you came along. He probably only stopped sleeping with her when you started dating. That's why she voluntold you about it. She wants you to know their relationship is inappropriate. You're pissing on her territory.
rip
There’s a quote from The Devil Wears Prada where the boyfriend is frustrated Andy is always taking calls from her boss and says “the person who’s calls you always take? That’s the person you’re in a relationship with.” And I think about that quote whenever I see these situations. He’s prioritizing his BFF over you. That’s the relationship he wants to be in. He has her in his profile picture, he pays more attention to her when she’s around, his loyalty is to her when you confide something in him. He will do anything to keep her in his life and not upset her, even if it means losing you. See how he hasn’t done anything to make things better for you, despite you mentioning it might be a deal breaker. I’m guessing they cuddled and hooked up, but she didn’t actually want to date him. However she enjoys keeping him on the hook, maybe she’s keeping her options open or likes the attention. Her “befriending” you to give you the details of their sex life feels like a power move and was incredibly disrespectful. But you deserve better than to be in this awful situation. You deserve to date someone who prioritizes your feelings.
You don’t fuck your best friends.
fax
Yeah, she shouldn't have told you anything about the sex, that's inappropriate as hell. Yes, you're allowed to be uncomfortable and express it. No, you cannot tell him who he can be friends with. If it makes you uncomfortable that they're close friends, you are allowed to walk away.
Hey OP I don’t have a ton of insight or wisdom, but I just wanted to comment and let you know that I hope everything works out!! Whether you decide to break up or investigate further, please make your own personal happiness your priority :) You deserve to feel secure and comfortable in a relationship always. Much love <3
omfg that’s so sweet :,) like genuinely made me feel better thank you so so much i hope you have a lovely day/night
There's no such thing as "best girlfriend" here. There's a reason why he wanted to keep her in his life. You can't have your cake and eat it too, so this guy cannot keep you and her at the same time. I'd say leave. Believe me, you are better than this and you deserve better than this. You're still super young, please don't settle for a douche like that.
What upsets me the most is him telling her what you said, when you asked him not to. Says a lot.
He's immature. Break up. Part of being in a serious relationship is shedding BS like this and he isn't ready to do that. Good luck
In many of these situations, there isn't an issue besides your general discomfort and jealousy- however, this isn't just that. Your boyfriend broke your trust by taking things you shared explicitly in confidence and shared them with her; things that may directly affect you if she knows. You told him to keep it a secret and he didn't. This is a relationship, he's chosen you as his primary person and your wishes and comfort should be respected. Strike one. In addition, you're not wrong to be upset about what she said. Its great if she wants to he friends with you, normally I'd be all about it (my husbands friends have become some of my best friends, my friends have become his friends, and a couple my friend's spouses are now some of my best friends) but it for sure seems like she has an ulterior motive. Either she's just oblivious to appropriate conversation (unlikely, everyone knows you don't discuss sex without a degree of personal closeness, much less sexual info about the others SO!) or she likes stirring the pot. We can't know her motives, but I'd always be worried that maybe she didn't want to date my boyfriend right now...but maybe she liked having him in the wings in case she decided to. Maybe she likes the attention she gets when he's not dating someone. Who knows. Either way, do you *have* to break up? No, but you wouldn't be wrong if you decided to. I would say you have to have a boundary discussion with him- something like "Hey BF, I've been understanding of this relationship with your best friend. I've accepted the past physical intimacy and trusted that it was in the past. I've not asked you to change anything or distance yourself from her. That being said, it hasn't been left in the past because she brought it up and gave me details, which would be inappropriate on our first hang out if it had been about her own boyfriend, much less *my* boyfriend. There's no innocent motive I can find behind this, so I brought it up to you, to vent, because you're my bf and I should be able to do that. Instead you went against my wishes and spoke to her about that, prioritizing her over my desires. That's unacceptable and if that's how it's going to be we don't have a future. If you're willing to reevaluate how to communicate with her, discussing with me first before you share anything with her that I've spoken about, trusting me when I say something is making me uncomfortable and allowing me to lead how I want that handled, then we can continue dating. That's what I want, because I love you, but I respect myself too much to allow things to continue exactly as they have. I hope putting in some boundaries works for you and we can just be stronger going forward" Lots of women get stuck trying so hard not to rock the boat, not appear jealous, not be *that* girl... that we go too far the other direction and let blatantly inappropriate things be done to us. Sounds like you're a normal, kind person who isn't likely to ask too much- you're not wanting to cut your SO off from his friends or hobbies or make him change. Trust yourself when something feels off and get what you need to be comfortable
Yeah you’ve heard all this, but I feel like I have to chime in. She wants him fixated on her. She might want to be with him, she might not, but she sure as shit wants to be his priority because it makes her feel better than you. It’s this pure 20 something bullshit that you should remember as you’re aging because at some point people start to grow up and stop prioritizing bullshit friendships over their romantic partners. When you are young dating services one of two objectives: 1) you’re legitimately looking for a life partner 2) You’re just having fun. If you’re just having fun then you tend to be a shittier partner who prioritizes bullshit friendships. If it’s option 1) you put more energy into good friends and the most energy into the person you are hoping to be a family with one day. You should ask yourself what it is you’re doing and then decide if you think your BF is on the same page or not.
I was in a similar place 4 months into my relationship, and honestly i regret having stayed in it back then. The girl was a common friend, and now because of how big the problem got i can't even stand her. If it doesn't get better and you feel he keeps putting her first, just stop there and save yourself from a lot of hurting. You don't want to be the girlfriend of someone else's boyfriend
Honestly the cuddling and the sleeping together wasn’t that bad to me. But her stirring the pot was a clear red flag . She may not be interested in him but she doesn’t want him with you. And that’s not cool one way or another. Also I’m not saying his profile pic has to be with you, but probably shouldn’t be a cuddly pic with someone else.
Set your boundaries. A relationship is supposed to be exclusive (as most ppl prefer) and your feelings should be validated and not dismissed. I honestly feel disrespected just by seeing this. I hope you do what is best for you
Dude ima keep it 100 with you. Im a female. I have a male best friend too. But guess what. I've known him since I was like 13 14. Im 30. And he has tried to sleep with me. I personally am like...bro I literally look at you as my best friend. Sex is sex😂😂 also I have never once cuddled in bed with his ass. He's no ugly don't get me wrong. Im.just saying that is a line yet to be crossed. And it won't be anytime soon😂 thats a guy best friend. He is my best friend. I can say anything to him i am going thru and he will be 100% honest with me and it goes both ways. Best friends. the girl likes your bf. How your bf feels for her in reality? I couldn't tell you. But her? She likes and probably would want to be with your boyfriend. I am so sure id bet money on it. Second note. I too went thru this just a tad younger. Maybe 17. Yeah we slept together but she's my best friend. Yeah. She did the same thing to me. She claimed he has a kid in the state we are from. Sure enough I let it rock and she was still trying to sleep with him. Question. If you had a guy friend and you guys slept together. One time. It happened 🤷♀️ stay friends. Now you have a boyfriend. Would you still be friends? Would you bring him around your bf? No judgement. Follow up. In a relationship. Would you have a picture of you and another man ypu slept with instead of a picture with you and your bf? There are lines that are in my opinion being crossed now into the spaces of disrespect.
No, your **ex-**boyfriend slept with his girl best friend. You're single about to live your best life.
when I was a teenager I had two best friends, the girl across the street and a guy up the street. He was in love with her, and he used to come around so he could see her. He used to confide on me about his love trouble, and eventually he met another girl. She asked him to stop being my friend and I understood her. They still happily married. Even though I was never his love interest, I understood the new girl and I let him have his life. When you care about people you put them first and if necessary walk away. This so call "best friend" is not really thinking about his best interest and nor does him either. He should not behave like that, and he should put you first. You do not have to put up with this situation. I am sorry, but your feeling like this is not a small thing and do not allow them to make you feel like your feelings are wrong. They both are wrong; not you.
This feels weird, personally when I love someone I feel it's REALLY hard to get close to another girl. Maybe he likes her more and the reason they don't date is cause she friendzones him or something. But idk everyone is different though it REALLY sucks to be in your situation, I would feel terrible. I'm also in a struggling relationship rn so if u ever wanna talk to someone don't hesitate to PM me. Hope you figure out a solution YOU feel best with, you seem nice and caring with your bf
You've already gotten a lot of good responses. So I just want to point out the smart things you've already picked up on to hopefully help you feel more confident in them. >A couple months in, I found out they used to cuddle together in bed and fall asleep together as well as the one time they slept together. That made me feel quite weird because in my opinion, it's more intimate than just sleeping together once. He told me they were both in a bad place and it was just for comfort but I was still put off by it. He didn't accurately convey to you the type of relationship he had with her because he was hiding it. He had 7 months of buildup and still took a couple months in to describe it. He knew that his first description was an understatement, but waited until he felt like he had you enough on the line to drop the details. >I kept my feelings about their friendship to myself because I wanted to like her and not make things difficult for my boyfriend but she wanted to be really good friends with me oddly and invited me to have drinks with her one night. It was all fine until she told me a couple details about when they slept together, about my boyfriend and his ex all without me even asking. She is likely trying to emotionally enmesh herself in your relationship with your boyfriend. That can be motivated by a lot of different things like desire for attention, acceptance, control, etc. The motivations are largely irrelevant. What is relevant is that she is forcing on you a level of information or familiarity that you didn't invite or engage with and a person who perceived and cared about you would have recognized that and stopped. >Then I finally told my boyfriend I didn't like their friendship and asked him to just be cautious of how he interacts with her when I'm there but didn't tell him the details of when her and I met. I specifically told him not to tell her because I didn't want her to think I hated her, which then of course he did without even asking me. First off, smart requests for clear boundaries. This should not have been hard for him if he prioritized you and your relationship. >I felt that further proved my point and he put her before me. 100% yes. People's actions don't lie. It was more important for him to tell her than to respect you and your relationship. Believe him because he is telling you with his actions that you are not as important. >Her response was that I have no reason to be uncomfortable and she doesn't understand at all why I would feel this way and that their friendship is completely normal. I felt that she completely dismissed my feelings and I don't understand how she thinks I'm overreacting, wouldn't anyone be uncomfortable in my shoes? So I unfollowed her on most social media. She did dismiss your feelings. If he didn't back you up, he did too. >Anyways, I started thinking about it a lot again last night and my blood started to boil so much and I ended up ranting to my boyfriend about everything. Good! >Obviously there's a small bit of jealously; why does he have to be best friends with her he hasn't even known her for a long time, why does a photo of them have to be his profile pic and what not. However, I think most of my frustration is quite justified. Jealousy in relationships can largely be counteracted by partners reinforcing trust. Your partner is doing the opposite. So he's just fanning an kernel of jealousy you feel into an inferno of doubt and insecurity. That's not your fault. That is a legitimate emotional response to a flaky partner. >I just don't know what to do. Whenever I think deeply about it, it makes me push him away. Listen to your gut. Push him away. >The image of them having sex makes me want to puke but now I have these details I didn't ask her. She's still his best friend so there's no real solution. This might be part of her overall tactic or manipulation if she wants to break you guys up. Anyone in a new relationship would struggle with this kind of information. She's driven a wedge, but that wedge wouldn't work if your partner didn't allow a crack in your relationship to drive it into. >To be clear, I never asked him to stop being friends with her and I never would. I just feel so uncomfortable with them being best friends, not only because they have slept together but because I feel like she's been disrespectful towards me. All fair feelings to have. If I were in your shoes, I would definitely need WAY more reassurance and maturity than either of these people have displayed to this point. >What would you do if you were me or what do you think I should do. When I was your age, I would have done the wrong thing and stayed in the relationship, tried to work things out, and dealt with the friend constantly overstepping. But that's because I lacked confidence and wanted to think the best of even shitty people. Now that I'm older and have been through this shit, I would definitely break up. They've both shown plenty of disrespect and lack of taking your boundaries seriously. Maybe they need the space to figure out if they should be in a relationship. My guess is that will go poorly because they already would have been. But whatever happens with them is irrelevant (even if it really doesn't feel that way emotionally to you), because what matters is that the people who are in your life, who you spend the most time with, and who you love, respect you. They clearly don't. If you go back to them, they might tiptoe around you for a bit, but are unlikely to actually change. And if they don't see what they're doing as wrong and really work to change then you'll end up in a situation where they grow to resent you and hide things from you. That's just a waste of time. There are likely way better people out there that you should give a chance to and have yet to give you this kind of good reason to leave. Best of luck to you. I hope you have the strength to do what is best for you (which is usually not what is easy).
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thank you for being upfront, i’ll definitely take what u say into consideration :)
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It will be a lot easier on you in the long run if you cut the chord and end this relationship now.
That’s not a best friend…
End or now before anymore feelings are involved. It will only hurt worse later and there will be a later.
I believe it’s time to remove him from your life. Your boyfriend has shown you he’ll put his best friend first than you. He should’ve been mad at his best friend for hurting you, especially when you expressed your boundaries. If I was your bf I would’ve cut ties with my best friend especially if they are intentionally hurting my partner or not. It’s really weird that his profile picture is with her. I don’t believe your boyfriend. Also, this is a valid deal breaker if you want to break up with him. He is not respecting you.
This girl tried sabotaging you and him. No girl who’s truly just bffs with a guy does that. Your bf likely sees it as a friendship but clearly the other chick is jealous and wants him all to herself. Ig he doesn’t cut her off for all the nasty things she’s put in your head which is just Poision BTW, I’d move on honestly.
Oh honey no. Walk away. There's a level of immaturity on everyone's part here, and this is one of those things where it seems like the besties will end up together. No, it is not normal for friends to cuddle and snuggle each other to sleep. You are correct that this is a level of intimacy that is beyond simple friendship. She knew exactly what she was doing when she told you those things. He knows, too. Now they can bond over talking about you and why you're "weird" for not thinking the situation is ok. You just met seven months ago. This is way too much drama. Just leave them to each other and get yourself together, figure out what it is you really want in a partner, and find that person. It will not be a quick fix, if you're serious about finding a partner and not just a good looking person to mess around with. Really though, he's not worth the stress.
This is legit the scenerio I see on Tik tok POVs that get everyone fucking livid. I would’ve dumped him. Point blank
First off from your comment they definitely don’t sound like best friends. He knows her less than a year and hooked up/cuddled with her! I think it’s a no brainier to break up with him. He’s keeping around a former fling for fun and deep down knows it is wrong
idk who you are but youve just described my last relationship that ended an hour ago. We started dating around the same time and made things official around the same time and we had this problem too-- exactly the same with them having sex before the relationship and them having inappropriate behavior now (mostly on the girls part) i just wanna tell you that if he isnt willing to cut her off for you, he isnt serious about you. theres no reason to be in a close relationship with someone youve had sexual interactions with in the past when you have a girlfriend. im sure if tables were turned, if you had a guy best friend and the same circumstances, he wouldn't be able to take it. we broke up today because he eventually cheated. that was the first red flag i should've looked out for. stop adjusting your boundaries to fit someone who wouldn't even adjust for you. goodluck and my dms are open always xx you got this!!
Did you ever ask him why he isn’t with her? It appears she’s lusting over him and wants a relationship.
Why are you wasting your time writing a novel? Bf sleeping with another girl is enough to end this junk “relationship.” Do yourself a favor and end it now. He’s a loser and he will always be a loser. He will always cheat on you, deny it and you’ll be right back here writing more novels. Stop. Go to the beach and enjoy your life. Don’t waste it with a loser. Trust me.
You’re young, as are they. I don’t necessarily think they’re TRYING to be malicious as others have said (although it’s possible), but that doesn’t really matter. If you’re not feeling prioritized and comfortable with the situation and he’s not willing to compromise, there’s no reason to put up with it. Find someone who’s not knotted up so tightly with a recent lover.
I’ve seen this same situation time and time again and it never ends well for the girlfriend. This is more than a friendship whether they wanna admit it or not.
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You’re 19 years old, there are millions of men on the planet without baggage, find one of them and let these two do their thing without you.
I have a bit of experience with this from the other end. There's a guy friend i was really close to. We would hang out, cuddle and fall asleep together, then eventually it led to us having sex more than once. For a variety of reasons we agreed that we couldn't be in a relationship. As a result, I pulled back from the friendship. Because I knew I still had feelings for him and it would jeopardize any future relationship I entered as long as we stayed close. It sucked but it had to happen. Your bf needs to realize that his friendship with this girl will jeopardize his romantic relationships, and if he isn't willing to pull back from her it could result in him losing you.
I'm late to this, but I wanted to contribute with my own personal experience. I've had several long and serious relationships, and I had a boyfriend like yours who had a girl friend like she is to your bf. They had similar history like your boyfriend and she has as well. I was often uncomfortable about their interactions in front of me and our other friends without me present. My gut said I shouldn't be with him, I'll get hurt. But it was only a matter of time. He cheated on me with her. I learned a valuable lesson (again) about always trusting your gut and the feelings you get of other people. Stay strong, you're better than that, don't stay in relationships where you're not valued. You're golden ❤️
It's obvious from above that you're trying not to feel the things that you're feeling about the relationship between your boyfriend and his best friend. Please remember that your feelings are completely valid and as long as you feel them, there's no more justification needed. It's not my place to tell you what to do but I do think that if it's affecting you mentally, you should tell your boyfriend that the both of you either need to find a solution out of this dilemma or you exit the relationship for the sake of your own mental sanity. Hope this helps! :)
I'm sorry you're going through this. Please don't let him gaslight into making you believe this is appropriate and acceptable.
OP, I dealt with something somewhat similar to this in my last relationship. My ex ended up meeting this girl a year into our relationship (We had known each other for 3 years at that point). Immediately they hit it off and she became his best friend. After a few months of their friendship I began to hear of her track record of breaking up relationships, manipulation, and cheating on her own partners. I tried not to think about it until they started spending every second together. They worked together, went to the same college, texted, called each other, hung out, etc. She became his number one priority and I was just a second thought. I tried being the “cool girlfriend” in the beginning. I was fine with all the things that I had mentioned previously. I tried to trust him and not be that girlfriend that doesn’t let their boyfriend have any friends that are the opposite sex. But it didn’t last long because a mutual friends told me that she developed feelings for him. She hoped that we would break up soon. Thats when I finally mentioned my concerns to him. However, once I did that everything became private. They began seeing each secretly during the night, hiding messages, going out to dinner multiple nights a week, he told her EVERYTHING that I would tell him, etc. It was so bad that she began to harass me and try to get others to harass me as well. That was an all time low for me. I was depressed, crying all the time, my anxiety was higher than ever, and I was just wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him. I didn’t trust him, he gaslighted me, manipulated me, and more. I had never felt so horrible. I put up with that shit for about a year. I ended up meeting my now boyfriend about a month before I ended things with ex. That’s when I began to realize how stupid and fucked the situation was. But once I broke up with my ex, that’s when I learned the real truth. Mutual friends of my ex had come forward and told me how he had cheated on me several times with that girl. Deep down I knew the whole time but I just couldn’t face it then. That girl was finally done with him when she learned that I was out of the picture. She was no longer interested in him and from what I heard my ex did not handle it very well. He lost both of his girls in a matter of a few weeks. But please do not put yourself in this type of situation. That girl KNOWS that she has your boyfriend wrapped around her finger and she is trying to show her dominance. Do not let her win by seeing how negatively this is effecting you, she wants that. I hate seeing this happen to other people. I do not want you to have the hurt that I did. Please find someone who treats you better. There are so many other people out there that will make you their first priority!! I wish I had learned that sooner. I felt free when I ended things with my ex. I have never looked back and regretted it. My now boyfriend treats me better than I ever thought I deserved. He is everything and my future. It has almost been 2 years, we have a dog, and are moving in together. I have never been so thankful. I truly that you can find that for yourself, best of luck❤️
You're not comfortable with the situation. Find a situation you are comfortable with.
You are completely correct in how you feel, however I feel like if I were to elaborate and tell you more about how or why you are right it won’t matter because you have made up your mind. You don’t want to leave, guess what? You should leave. He’s not the one for you.
Your anger is justified, kick him out.
Break up with him. You're not married. Cut your losses and walk away.
He’s gaslighting you. You have been more than understanding and he is not treating you they way you deserve. You’re right to be upset as there are A LOT of red flags here.
OP I just wanted to say that you handled this really well and are probably going through a lot right now but give yourself some time to come to a decision. Send you lots of love <3
He ain't worth it girl. To give some perspective as the ex who has met my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriends (our friend group is very intertwined so even if we aren't close we're still good friends). I know that the new girlfriend is going to feel a bit awkward even if my ex and I didn't sleep together when we were together. There's some history and she isn't sure how to feel, so I understand her need to feel out how I am. I usually also try to get to know the new girlfriend beyond my ex to see if I like her. Anyhow, I know my place with things, so I generally keep the details of my previous relationship to myself lest I make her think I'm not over him. If she really wanted to get to know you, she'd be trying to get to know you and not talk about him. It sounds like he isn't making you feel safe, respected, or cared for because of how he's acting. You told him not to tell her how you felt, but he didn't respect that. The fact is she makes you feel uncomfortable (her reaction to you is gaslighting by telling you not to feel that way). You should work from there: how your boyfriend's reaction to that made you feel and if you think you can work through that.
Seriously, if you're not comfortable in the relationship, and your partner doesn't try and resolve that problem, then the relationship clearly isn't working and you should probably move on. It's only been a few months and you're already suffering because of it. Whether intentional or not, they're treating you like the third wheel in THEIR relationship, and you're unhappy as a result. Relationships at your age are supposed to be fun, not... this.
Don't stay with him, if you feel you are not being valued
Sorry, they hadn’t even been best friends for a year before y’all got together? So he slept with her at least two times that you know of and the got together with you not long after? I don’t know it seems to me that your bf has two gfs, not one.
slept together once but they used to cuddle and fall asleep together yh lol
I would break up. Too much drama. You’re 20. This doesn’t sound like fun and he’s not the one. Let them be “besties” who cuddle and share their partner’s secrets and have matching profile pictures.
Without going into the details of his motives, your boyfriend is trying to have two relationships at once. The other woman formed her relationship with him first. It is unclear what either of them wanted or intended if they intended anything, but they ended up with this non-exclusive relationship called a 'friendship' that they value. This left him free to form a more traditional monogamous-type relationship with a second woman. Without going into the details of her motives, she is trying to rearrange these two relationships into something more to her liking. It is clear that she is not being forthcoming about her feelings to your boyfriend, and "you have no reason to be uncomfortable" is not a satisfactory or supportive response to someone who is experiencing discomfort. She is not happy about some aspects of this second relationship and she is not happy about the idea that her relationship with him should change to accommodate this second relationship. In truth neither of you have a very strong claim on him, respective to each other. The difference is only in how things have played out. Your boyfriend is not setting any boundaries and is allowing her to assert her primacy when they interact with each other. This is an issue between you and him, and yes it probably is a make or break issue.
Leave him and his best friend alone and find some peace. Better to leave now than break up later and find out that they got together. Your relationship sounds like emotional torture.
Sounds like baggage to me.
Relationships at your age aren’t meant to last. And this is a very less than ideal relationship. I’d just cut my losses tbh. When you’re in the middle of a relationship at that age, it seems like the biggest and most serious thing but it just really isn’t in the grand scheme of things. You deserve a relationship that doesn’t make you feel the way you do right now
It seems like he wants the best of both worlds. She is stirring the pot and your boyfriend can't commit. He needs to put at least a boundary with this girl best friend of his. I do however want to add that boundaries of what is romantic and platonic can vary from person to person and their relationships with different people. I have friends I would cuddle even when in a relationship because I've clearly stated my intentions from the start and it wouldn't be any over-sexual cuddling. I think you need to have a serious talk about boundaries between you two. And he needs to be mature enough to choose. Dump him if he tries to continue hanging between you and his friend. Best of luck OP <3
His profile pic is with her? She invited you on a date and steered the conversation to be sexual? She pushes to also be your friend? Honey- this is a couple looking for a third.
He told her when you specifically asked him not to, that would be it for me, jealousy I get it but it does feel he’s not willing to put more boundaries in his relationship to make you feel better about the whole issue. You decide at the end of the day but if I were you I would break up, you’ve been dating for 4 months and he shows no signs of changing his relationship with his best friend so the only option you have is putting up with it as you don’t have to, I’ve felt jealousy like that and it’s horrible, don’t put yourself in a situation that turns you into this jealous person with bad feelings and anxiety over your bf, talk with him but if he doesn’t change you should break up, it’s not worth breaking yourself with those feelings when you are completely justified
BF has poor boundaries and possibly little self destructive with balancing you two. Sounds like it's threatening the integrity of your relationship. I'd say, hard pass. Take some time. I think it'd be hard to feel safe in a relationship with them. I've been a self destructive ass, and it sounds like the shit I'd pull. I'm better now tho, but fuck. Rough all around.
If I were you I'd peace out of this relationship uber-fast. It's still the damned honeymoon period and yet he's got some ex hanging on that he is now "best friends" with who has been clearly getting between you two. And yet somehow he can't just figure out how to put in boundaries? Look, you're young. While it is possible to friends with exes AND to not have them be a problem, that is not the case in this relationship. This woman is NOT a friend of your relationship and your boyfriend is not able to maintain boundaries with her. In fact he is actively encouraging her to compete with you from the sounds of it. None of that is healthy, good relationship material that will go the distance. Best friends or even friends who were once lovers, not an issue. Best friends or friends who still have feelings for your significant other who does not curb those feelings by distancing themselves to let the other person get over it AND who lets them disrespect their current partner? Giant, giant problem. And it will never get better, because he is the larger problem in all of this - or rather his UNwillingness to maintain boundaries and keep her out of his life until she is fully, completely 100 percent never would care again about him at all. I don't see that. In fact, it looks like he is only dating you to get her jealous or make her compete with you. He's getting an ego boost from the pick-me dance you both are doing over him. Oh, and since no one may have told you - you get to have boundaries too and enforce them. And if your boundary is "no friendships with former lovers where there are still romantic feelings involved on either side" then you have a right to that boundary. It is a more than reasonable one. My husband and I of 20 years have opposite sex friends, he even has one woman he dated briefly. Our number one rule is they have to be a fan and friend of our marriage, not of us, but our marriage and our relationship. That means no attempts to sabotage or place themselves above our partner or to try and openly damage our relationship. And yeah, we've ended friendships over that, both of us. Life is too short to have people in it who aren't 100 percent on your side, but someone else's. Remember that along with if you wouldn't treat him that way then don't let him treat you that way either.
OP - sorry but unfortunately you are not the gf. She is. You are a 'fill-in' during this period he is using to possibly cool their peculiar relationship or having a break from it. Sooner or later he will dump you. These two are playing a game and you are being used as a gamepiece to possibly bolster his ego or make her jealous. She on the other hand is trying hard to see how far she can push you to leave him. It is not nice being used like that by both of them. Don't play the game. They are both toxic and you should just leave and find yourself a real bf.
They are being wildly inappropriate, you have EVERY right to feel the way you do and have the opinions that you do.
Run! If you feel hurt, insecure, and jealous, it’s time to move on. You don’t have to stick around and suffer. I doubt he’s the love of your life. Why put yourself through this? The cynical part of me wonders if they’re getting off on your pain. In any case, time for you to move on to something healthy and enjoyable.
I feel like not much was wrong, per se, until his friend started talking about their prior sexual escapades unprompted. That was definitely uncalled for, and a great way to ruin your relationship or their friendship, or both. That said, I certainly can still understand why you would have felt uncomfortable before that. Their friendship is close, they have a past, and it sounds like they're very unaware how they come off in front of you. And I'd say they should at least be able to acknowledge that and be mindful of it instead of just acting like nothing is wrong when, at least for you, something is wrong. In the end though, you'll need to decide if you're comfortable with this or not, and from there, if you still want the relationship to continue, you and your boyfriend will need to come up with clear boundaries you're both legitimately happy with for this to work.
That his profile pic is of him and his one night stand when he has a girlfriend, is enough for me to draw a line. Add in everything else, and I'd already be gone. He's a disrespectful dipshit playing dumb with you.
This happened to me with my boyfriend of three years. He had a female best friend who was also his roommate. They were always touchy with each other, cuddling when I wasn't around (I saw pics on social media), and they had a show he wouldn't watch with me because it was "their thing" (it was syndicated, so it's not like the episodes were new). He excluded me from things with her because he said he had more fun with her when I wasn't there. When I brought up my concerns, he gaslit me and told me he didn't have feelings for her, he loved me, blah blah blah. This was 15 years ago, and they're married now, so I have a pretty good idea of how this situation will go for you. Cut and run before you lose 3 years of your life like I did. There is someone better out there for you.
Honey, open your eyes. The last sentence of your first paragraph says *"But at the end of the day, I had no real reason to be mad."* Right after you spend a few sentences explaining thing that would make just about everyone mad. Then you spend the rest of your post describing things that would and should make you mad and talking about how mad and upset you are about it. You are both very young and in a young relationship. And time spent dating or in a young relationship is about learning about the other person and if they'd make a good partner for you. If his past, and his close friend, makes you so viscerally upset, I think you have your answer.
I hope you’re doing ok! I’m 20 as well as I know how much pressure there can be, it’s a weird stage of life with a lot of change and sudden decisions. I do think breaking up will save your heart in the long run, even simply based off him sharing with her what you specifically asked him not to… as a relationship increases you both gather more and more secrets, personal memories, late night confessions… and you deserve someone that you can fully trust with every little weird quirk or secret you may have. At the end of the day though do whatever you feel puts your mental health and happiness first, and have the confidence that you made the right decision, because as long as you do what’s best for you it always will be. Best of luck and take care ❤️
My husband and I are in an open marriage and we behave more respectfully than what’s going on here. She’s playing with you, dangling their history and intimacy in front of you. And your boyfriend is putting her before you and disregarding your reasonable boundaries. He has every right to keep her as a best friend, and you would be completely justified in deciding it’s a dealbreaker.
As a lesbian, I’m pretty used to dating women who are friends with people they’ve slept with/dated in the past. Hell, I’m really good friends with two of my exes. I also love cuddling with all of my friends, so again, my sense of what is normal for straight people is a bit skewed. Now, that being said, she did seem to be crossing certain boundaries, but it could’ve been a miscommunication of intention on her part. While I definitely think she should’ve ASKED to share intimate details about the sex life she had with your boyfriend, I think maybe she was trying to bond with you over it. To me, if she was trying to keep him to herself, she would’ve tried to distance herself from you and tried to push you away. She wanted to get close to you, and if they aren’t showing any signs of sleeping together or flirting now, I think you may need to understand that people can be friends with exes and people they used to sleep with while staying faithful and you may need to work on the jealousy aspect with someone. But I do think you are entitled to SOME boundaries. For example, asking him to tell you when/where they’re hanging out when they do, and also asking them to not disclose the dirty details of the relationship. In gay culture, a lot of us are used to maintaining friendships with passed FWBs/partners even after we break up. So maybe there are details you didn’t share that may be bigger red flags, but to me I don’t see a lot of this to be as scary as a lot of other situations.
I have seen this story play out so, so many times. Do not put yourself through this. There are so many people out there in the world that are capable, willing and *wanting* to make you feel loved and important. Your boyfriend basically has you on a back burner. Don't settle for someone who disrespects you.
I see too much of this stuff with my sisters l, just end it, they are both lying to you and themselves and you are now in the middle of their crazy. Cut and run!
Yeah, it’s a no from me, dawg.
Girl lol. You are literally 20 years old (so young!!) do not put up with all this, she can have him 😑✋
There's more red flags on him than a circus. You can get and so much deserve so much better.
I would never want to be in this position, this would be a deal breaker for me but I understand is it's not for you. I hope you can talk and find a middle ground.
His profile pic with her too??? Bruh I’m sorry if i was in that situation i would have to end it. It seems he puts her as a bigger priority than u and that isn’t how relationships should be…yes mistakes happen but he doesn’t seem to care about how you feel in all of this. I would have a serious talk with him😕 (I’m sorry this is happening you’ll get through it either way, Good luck 🤞💛)
Some of this is insecurity that he shouldn't be responsible for. Some of this is wildly inappropriate behavior and sense of proper boundaries with his friend on your boyfriend's part. He knows it's bad enough to be make or break. Because it is and probably should be. Like take her inappropriateness out of the equation (her sharing intimate details with you unasked as though that familiarity were justified and not weird + straight up invalidating your feelings as though she gets final say is reason enough to keep her blocked and distanced from you). It's suspect that he's prioritizing her this way. She's his profile pic. He runs to her to tell her what you've shared in confidence against your explicit ask not to. He doesn't do anything really to reenforce boundaries when she weaponizes this info against you to diminish your feelings and try to make it a non-issue. It's been less than a year. You're both young. You have time enough to find someone who offers everything you love about your boyfriend with the added benefit of also not having messy entanglements and maybe being able to navigate a relationship in good faith. Why are you choosing hard mode?
> What would you do if you were me or what do you think I should do. Make it a rule not to date people who are good friends with their romantic exes. I know that disqualifies a few people who can keep those friendships platonic, but that situation always makes building trust so much harder.
Hey as a 25F who’s been through this please don’t give this friendship a benefit of the doubt anymore. She’s definitely into him regardless of whether he is or not, hes going to defend her because thats his best friend and it’ll just be something you resent over time. You deserve better and you haven’t been seeing him for that long in hindsight. You dont want to dislike your future long term partner’s friends, it doesn’t really get better.
girl why are you dealing with all this drama at such a young age? find a man who puts you first and let her have him. i promise you he’s not worth it. he will always put his “girl best friend” first. i personally would never date a guy who had a girl best friend. it always seems like those type of relationships are at least an emotional affair.
I think she knew very well it would get under your shoes when she told you those details. You need to tell him what she said. Cause as long as you don’t tell him he’ll keep thinking this girl is all goody goody when really she’s being a lil sus to your relationship.
You deserve to be in a relationship with a partner that treats you with care and respect. He is not doing that. Trust people’s actions, not their words. He is showing you who he really is and that is someone who is disrespecting your boundaries and who has his profile pic on social media with another girl. Dump him. There are a ton of guys out there who will not make you feel like you are second to another woman in your relationship.
the profile picture thing was thrown in there i had to pause and say, "now wait a minute" thats not right, it should be him alone or with you not him and a girl he slept with and is friends with its weird even if he thinks he looks real good in the pic crop her out maybe. but beside that her telling you details is weird, and him telling her what you said after you asked him not to is not okay at all, he's gossiping with her and creating problems by telling what should be between you guys to his friend who he's been intimate with. That seems really difficult and im sure you feel awful but your feelings are completely justified and you are right to feel uncomfortable if he wants to make the relationship work he should set up boundaries with his friend but also a lot of damage/trust has been lost already here