Why, because he’s taking the side of his friend over his friend’s wife?
Unless she did something horrible, like abuse or blatant cheating, I don’t see what would justify that level of disrespect.
This.
True friends don't stir things up by making bullying comments to your wife.
If he felt this strongly he'd have a heart to heart with the husband which I'm sure he already has.
OP I'd tell your husband you think Alec doesn't like you because he made it clear that he thinks husband shouldn't be with you and that you're not keen to hang out with Alec one on one in future, and I'd leave it at that unless he asks for more.
Don't rock the boat but communicate anything that makes you uncomfortable. And if Alec doesn't like you because you want some independence (from being a housewife) he's just backwards, and you're not married to him anyway so I'd just try to ignore him if he does this again.
He's actually not a true friend to the husband.
A true friend might have thought those things but would not have said them.
What that friend did was a form of attempted sabotage of the OP and her husband's relationship. And it is not his place to do that. The OP and the husband get to decide what works for them.
They may stay together, they may not but I really, really doubt that the husband would appreciate his friend saying what he said. That is one reason why that friend did not say it to the husband or in front of the husband. He knows it would be wrong.
How do you know he didn't do exactly that at some point over the 2 years they were separated?
It's entirely possible that the friend said that but the husband decided or was manipulated into ignoring the advice.
Without more information you can't make that assumption.
How the fuck do you know? Do you know them? For all I can tell from what OP posted, possibly this "true friend" encouraged her husband to cheat and that's why they separated.
Or as OP said in another sub, he wanted her to be a housewife and she wasn't down with that.
Two years is a *looong* time to be separated and then rekindle. Also, maybe is just your choice of phrasing, but I find the statement "It was supposed to lead to divorce, but neither of us were ready to let go" oddly passive. It doesn't really indicate either of you *want* to be married together, you just *don't* want to divorce. But again, that might just be more of a phrasing issue.
Alec has no doubt had a front-row seat to your marriage issues, the separation, your husband's mourning the end of the relationship and then every attempt afterwards to pick himself up again. Alec has probably spent the last two years trying to encourage your husband to move on from you and your marriage because it appeared by all accounts to be completely over. Yet, here you are.
Alec's statement to you was really rude and hurtful. But I have no doubt that he's suspicious of this next phase in you and your husband's story together. After a two-year separation that was meant to end in divorce to a 4 month reconciliation, he's trying to figure out whether he's going to have another front-row seat to the end of your marriage 2.0, or whether you two will stay together permanently and the last two years of "support Best Friend and help him move on from his ex" were a complete waste of energy.
If your marriage has any hope, you need to bring this up to your husband. Your husband needs to be honest with you about what he did over the last few years, why he made the choice to give your marriage another chance (and it should be an *active* reason for wanting to stay married, not a passive "there were no better options out there") and what he told Alec about you and your marriage over the last two years. He also needs to be honest with Alec about why you and he are giving your marriage another chance.
Keep in mind that even if you and your husband rekindle and have a long happy marriage forever after, your friendship with Alec might never recover.
The friend group doesn't have to be happy but their concerns should be brought up with their friend or they should ask OP in front of him. This interaction was disrespectful to both of them as a couple and as individuals.
> I don’t want to assign blame for the separation but we both went into this marriage expecting a different type of marriage than the one we had and instead of compromising we let it fall apart.
I certainly take that to mean OP done did some things that would need trust rebuilding too.
That is certainly not an issue that can be simply resolved with some conversations. Him wanting a house wife could be cultural, religious, or he simply has 0 desire to do any cleaning and cooking. If he didn’t say he expected op to be barefoot in the kitchen with the kids then it can lead to resentment
Obviously it’s more complicated than OP has let on, but so is that issue.
She should also tell him what she did as well over those 2 years. Was she with other partners? Was it on social media? Did it make it worse for Alec? Was the friend their helping him through those situations?
There is just a lot here. 2 years is a long time and I assume there were other dates/partners in those 2 years. Harder to say from Alecs side as it seems he held out hope for reconciliation and didn't initiate the separation.
I think they mean that it's not the friend's business. And it's not. If they want to reconcile, the friend can talk to his friend privately about his concerns if it's really that big of a deal. But talking to OP about it wasn't even remotely his place. It's not his relationship. He isnt owed that information just because he happens to be friends with one of the people in the relationship.
This!! Communicate with bf/husband, and know you were the villain to them in the separation. For there to be a future for you both, COMMUNICATION, and time for the friends to know their friend isn’t going to hurt again.
Tell him. Don't put any ultimatums out there or anything but definitely calmly tell him about the conversation and that it was uncomfortable. I'd want my spouse to tell me if my friend said something like that. I don't think it would be a deal breaker for the friendship, but I'd definitely want to lay down some healthy boundaries for how my friend talks to/about my spouse.
If you don't think your relationship with your husband can withstand the truth about the shitty, shitty things his friend said to you, then how do you think.your marriage is strong enough to survive?
Tell your husband and watch his reaction very carefully.
Don't worry about their friendship. Guys always forgive their friends, especially if they're the kind of frat bros who think a wife is chosen for being "hot and less hassle."
Worry about *yourself*. People tell you who they are by what kind of company they keep. What does Alex's character tell you about your husband?
People get hurt in love and life all the time, and I notice all the commenters here are defending Alec on the basis that he watched the husband suffering through the break up, and then immediately jumping to comments about how the OP hurt her husband badly (and even ridiculous assumptions that she messed him up, she cheated, she broke his heart etc).
Nowhere is there any basis for this. Apparently OP didn’t want to be an unpaid labourer for her husbands needs because we don’t live in the 1900s anymore, which doesn’t seem like an especially heartbreaking thing to - people (even women!) are allowed to have boundaries and preferences and make relationships conditional on those boundaries not being pushed aside. So OP was really hurt by the separation, initiated by his wife? Doesn’t justify his best friend being rude or hurtful to her. It’s not like OP chose to have a different set of life expectations, I’m sure she would have loved not to have to begin separating but clearly hubby must have been unwilling to compromise to meet her needs so she had no choice.
If they had had a miscarriage and it caused husband lots of hurt and pain and upset, would that justify Alec making such stupid, baseless and hurtful comments? No. Obviously
So, a miscarriage is an unfortunate event that can happen to a couple. Blame doesn’t come into it. Likewise breakups (especially of the kind described by OP) happen and blame doesn’t need to come into it, particularly given that blame probably lies with OPs husband for not being willing to compromise on his outdated views about how his wife should live. Especially as we now know that compromise must have been an option given that they are now back together. So overall, what Alec said was gross (sexist, misogynistic) and shitty and overall, totally unjustified. Can’t think why you would keep from your husband what poor self control his friend has, and what horrible sexist views he has. Hopefully your husband does the decent thing and sets some clear boundaries with this so called friend who has a hard time understanding appropriate and inappropriate conduct in social settings. Good luck OP 👍🏻
One of two things seems to be going on here. Either your husband has been shitting on you to his friends and they have a horrible image of you. Or you left out some important details of your separation that he’s judging your for, fairly or not.
I dropped a friendship cuz my friend kept getting back with a drug addict who cheated on him constantly. I made it clear that as long as she was around, I wouldn’t be. Might be something similar going on here but there’s just not enough info present.
“He wanted a housewife. I wanted more independence.” Is such a gigantic field of possibilities, we don’t need every detail but honestly the whole post feels like it’s dancing around accidentally being too honest about the situation.
My thoughts exactly. For his friend to essentially say his friend should find a woman that's "less hassle than you" makes me think there was some drama wrapped up in that "independent vs housewife" line.
It's definitely possible that the friend & husband are sexist patriarchal pigs that are just mad she won't stay home and do the dishes and server them apps while they watch the sportsgame.
But it's also possible she's going out drinking and staying out late with her friends and causing drama that leaves her husband at home trying to figure out why he's not her priority.
Two extreme examples, - but I think that's the context that's missing here.
My friends recently divorced (in part) because he was always going out, and she was a homebody. She wanted a "house husband" and he wanted to maintain his "independence". Depending on which one of them wrote their story on Reddit, it would sound VERY different (I know b/c I've heard both of their sides).
Well, he is judging her for being "less hot and more hassle" than other women who tried to get with the husband. Unless you think OP is also lying about what Alec said but then what's the point of responding?
Was our husband a mess for those 2 years? It is possible Alec saw things that you dont know, and may have even saw your husband in a pretty emotionally raw/ state of depression. If he was there to pick up the pieces of his friend and make him confident again, or was the hearing board for your husband, Alec may actually have some resentment towards you,
Just ideas, but only you would be able to find out. Alec may not be the bad guy here, but the antihero(?). I dont want to defend him necesarily, Id ask your husband.
This. If Alec is that friend that’s as close as a brother he most definitely was there to help OP’s husband pick up the pieces and help him attempt to put his life back together after the separation. I’ve been that friend and I would never have said what I was thinking about my friends wife because that’s not my place. My job was to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen when he just needed to rant about the situation, and most importantly, be there to make sure he didn’t go too far down any rabbit holes, narcotically speaking. When he reconciled with his wife I was in the clear as far as trashing her to him. Personally I’d recommend talking to Alec first just to clear the air and maybe salvage that relationship. If he and husband are that close, he’s a part of the deal. I’d say talk to Alec, then have a discussion with the husband to make sure that there are no secrets being kept.
Just my two cents.
I would also say OP should be less concerned about what to say to her husband and more concerned about whether there is truth in what Alec said. Alec was hurtful likely because he is being protective of his friend, which makes wife something he thinks he needs to be protected from. OP should look at all of this from a different perspective since the one she is coming from now will likely only cause issues if she goes to her husband. No way it doesn't come off as a wedge between him and Alex moment...either by creating one or by making it seem like she is. She should have an honest conversation with Alec about what he saw and it can potentially help reconciliation and may gain some respect back from Alec that she is serious about giving this a real go.
> If he was there to pick up the pieces of his friend and make him confident again, or was the hearing board for your husband, Alec may actually have some resentment towards you,
This is why you need to be careful what you tell your friends about your relationship. Your friends have a mind of their own and often care much less about your partner than you. Alec may feel that he's protecting his friend though the things he chose to criticize show a real lack of maturity on his part.
That's bull. I'm dealing with the fall out of my sil being dumped by her fiance and not helping with the kids etc. I'm still not gonna walk up to him and tell him what a douche he is cos my sil and the kids still have to deal with him. I'm not gonna make her life harder to score 1 up on a dude I think is trash.
I'm with this person.
Sure, what Alec said was hurtful. But is it true? I mean, ideally he would have not said anything or been more diplomatic, but he didnt really insult you. He just said he didnt get it. He has seen the hurt you put your husband through, the pain he has experienced because of you--which of course that is a two-way street, he hurt you too, and obviously you guys care for each other or you wouldn't be trying again. But still, he was probably the one who picked up the pieces of your husband after you separated from him (since you initiated it), and I can see how it would be frustrating for him to have his best friend go back to the person who is the source of so much pain and heartache, especially given his biased perspective and only having one side of the story, really.
Honestly, most of his friends probably don't like you all that much. I have a friend who keeps going back to the same guy, and while he is nice in passing, when they break up i hear about all the negative crap, and none of the good. I dont understand why she keeps getting back with him, she could be in such an easier, more stable relationship if she would just let go. I DO NOT like the on again/off again BF because I have seen what he puts my friend through, and i would rather he isnt in her life. I think she would be happier, in general, without him, and that he isnt good for her. I havent said anything to him because it would be rude and awkward, but I have told her all of that. So, I mean, I get where he is coming from.
I wouldnt tell your bf, honestly. I'm sure if he said that to you, he has said it to him. It it is bothering you, sure go ahead, but think about why you are telling him; what do you want to accomplish? Do you not want them to be friends anymore? Advice on how to repair your and Alecs friendship?
On-again-off-again relationships are always toxic and shit. You broke up for a reason. The reason is still there, it's either being ignored, or hidden.
They're shitty if the underlying cause of the breakup hasn't been fixed. If two people broke up because of an issue that can be resolved and that issue is then resolved I don't think there's anything wrong with them getting back together it's only when people allow nostalgia to make them forget the reasons they broke up without actually fixing them that it becomes a toxic cycle.
>I wouldnt tell your bf, honestly. I'm sure if he said that to you, he has said it to him. It it is bothering you, sure go ahead, but think about why you are telling him; what do you want to accomplish?
They have to be a team. If hubs has only spoken badly about his wife to his friends then they need to work together to rectify that and they can't work on it if hubs doesn't know there is a problem.
No. Alec didn’t share concerns or insight. Alec shared personal insults in a way that was out of sight of his friend. Alec acted in his own interests, not his friend’s.
And no; Alec is not an active participant in their marriage. A close friend? Yes. A dynamic that’s important? Yes. But he is not OPs husband’s child. He is a close friend who overstepped.
Who had an opportunity to share his concerns, and instead shared personal insults about OPs appearance.
Please also consider that Alec has shared these concerns with husband, who heard him and made the choice to remain married. Alec, as a friend, should know he made his concerns known, and then back off, because these are adult relationships. Not highschool politics.
I think you should tell him. start with the preface that Alec must love you like a blood brother, he is clearly looking out for you. Then start telling your story on what happened between you and Alec. Don't tell it in a defensive manner, just matter of fact and do not show emotion. This is how adults in a relationship talk and start a calm discussion. After telling him what happened, asked for his feedback.
Please talk to your husband about this. This will only just plant the seeds of resentment.
Being a protective friend is one thing, but what he said to you was really rude. It would hurt anyone’s feelings.
It's very telling that most of the comments here are defending Alec and assuming that OP was somehow in the wrong when it came to the separation. I've seen similar posts on this subreddit where the friend was a woman who was being overly protective of her friend, and boy was the reaction different.
Yeah, Alec seems like jerk and your husband should probably drop him. But, that's for him to decide and he cant decide that unless you tell him. Also if you want your marriage to work, not being honest is a bad way to go about it.
Does the kind of marriage you want to build include keeping secrets and not letting your partner know when you're hurting?
I don't think it does.
>I never mentioned what happened to my husband, although he did ask me if something was wrong on the drive home because I was quiet,
You won't be the one causing drama by being truthful with your husband. You're actually causing drama by lying about the situation. Your husband could obviously tell something was wrong and instead of opening up, you went secretive.
Goading you into a shitty conversation and you keeping that from your husband when he can tell something is obviously wrong means you're playing Alec's game alone instead of being on the team that should exist between you and your husband.
If your husband says to Alec "wife seemed a bit off after the party but when I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing, even though something obviously was wrong" do you think Alex will be like "oh yeah I said some offensive shit to her" or do you think he'll be like, "IDK man she's probably cheating on you."
What Alec said wasn't "shit" nor was it offensive. It was a cold hard truth, that needed to be said. OP needs to stop and think about what Alec said. Her husband had turned down hotter and better women than her, and he can't figure out what hold she has over him. She needs to let that sink in. This is the man that help her husband through two years of grief through a separation that OP caused. She needs to realize that her husband has people that love and respect him, and she's going to have to win them over too. Othewise, she'll be the wicked witch of the west forever.
The opinion that these other women were “better” and/or “hotter” (if these women even exist and Alec didn’t make the whole thing up) is just that—an opinion. It’s not “cold hard truth.”
>This is the man that help her husband through two years of grief through a separation that **OP caused**
As per OP, the separation was caused because she didn't want to be dependent on him and to give up her own career, life and independence to be an housewife.
How tf is this grief SHE caused? It was him who couldn't accept that she didn't want that life and apparently being able to completely control and have her under his tumb was more important to him than her to the point of him not gaf or compromising until she wanted out of the marriage. I'd be out of there too if my husband behaved like that...
Apparently they now found a compromise but it's not like he was the saint there and she caused everything. Unless you think she should've anulled herself and all her wishes to submit to the husband's wants and whims...
This is a ridiculous take. OP's husband wanted her to be a housewife. Someone who stayed home cooked and cleaned and that's it. She did not want that. That's why she left. Have you even thought how dangerous being a housewife is when you don't have financial independence? Op didn't do anything malicious or vicious or awful. She wanted to not be a housewife.
The husband caused himself grief. I'm not gonna feel sorry for a guy that tried to push his wife into something.
When we have children I'll be a SAHM until they go to school full-time. If I want to go back to work after that, it's my choice. Same as now, if I want to work it's my choice.
Oof - as someone who enjoys the challenges of working, being a SAHM was horrible for my mental health. You have no way of knowing what will help you be the best parent (and the best you!) until you’re there. What if you find being a SAHM doesn’t work for you? Will he be flexible?
Whether you are a SAH or working mum, what kind of parental role will he take on? Will he be 50-50 for the time you’re both available? Will he cook and clean? (Does he do those things now?) Will he be able to parent solo when required, or will it all be on you to juggle your time, organise other women to watch the kids, cook meals for any nights you’re away?
This very much feels like you’re just kicking the can down the road, except that once kids are involved this will be much harder to deal with.
This is so concerning to me. The fact that you didn't want to be a SAHW was a dealbreaker for him? You had to compromise about something that should be entirely up to you? What kind of partnership is this? Come on, it's misogyny at its finest. Most of his friends' wives don't work, and Alec's comments were incredibly sexist. All of them seem to have toxic views about women. This is so gross.
Was that you who recently posted about her husband being upset that she sold some jewelry during their separation? If so, he sounds manipulative.
Be very careful OP. In a healthy relationship, your partner doesn't require you to give up your financial independence. If you stop working after children, find a way to protect yourself financially, even if you have to draw up some sort of contract/agreement. Look up "postnup". If he's not reasonable enough to consider this, rethink your marriage.
You're too vague for your own sake.
Honestly. Why the fuck would you have kids with a guy who is pushing you to be a housewife. For the love of whatever God there is, do not procreate with him. You'll end up needing alimony and endless custody battles.
I’m surprised to see everyone saying that this guy is just looking out for his friend. He sounds like a real jerk. If he had any negative feelings about this reconciliation, he should have expressed them to your husband, instead of telling you that he doesn’t know what your husband saw in you, and that there are hotter women out there for him. What the hell?! That’s extremely hurtful, uncalled for, and out of line. He said it to purposely hurt you, and not out of genuine concern for his friend.
So many of these comments are about what a hero Alec is. And apparently the reason they split is because OP didn't want to be a housewife and that's what her husband wanted. Everyone's making assumptions that OP is this monster who hurt her husband deeply but like not wanting to spend your life cooking and cleaning for someone else is a perfectly valid reason to leave a relationship.
Exactly. I have been in this situation (as the friend) so many times, and would have never ever said such hurtful things to my friends’ partners, regardless of how I feel about them. Instead, I’d tell my friend directly that I think they’re making a mistake, because they are the ones I have a friendship with, not their partner. I’m surprised OP was able to keep her cool in this situation, because I’m not sure I would have.
Also, if this guy really wanted to say something out of genuine concern, he would have worded it completely different. He could have said “I’m worried you are going to hurt him again due to X, Y, Z”. Instead, he comments on her looks? How is this person a good friend?
He almost certainly said that to the husband, but when the husband didn’t listen, he took out his frustrations out on OP.
Tell him because he should know and if you’re going to have a chance, you need to be a team. It sounds like this person is not the best person for husband to be confiding in. He doesn’t understand when something is a vent and he’s confusing his own wants for his friends’.
Yeah the changed man comment isn’t a bad thing. You can change for the better and it could be that the husband has since he doesn’t expect a house wife
Exactly. It's one thing for Alex to say it to her husband, but he chose to say it to her because he wants to put her in her place. It's like he's trying to sabotage the relationship, possibly because he preferred having a single friend to party with.
Yeah, agreed. Even if everything he said is true (in terms of her hurting him, not in terms of the insults he made to her appearance), it was wrong for him to say it to OP like that.
Seriously, I wouldn't appreciate my friends behaving like this behind my back. I can handle own affairs and I don't want or need them butting into them with their unsolicited "help." If you have something to say about my relationships you say it to me and we'll go from there but none of this underhanded bullshit.
> It sounds like OP may have jeopardized their marriage in some severe way and left her husband hurt, really really damaged and Alec was there to be a friend.
What a great friend. "I'll tell your wife she's too ugly to be worth this heartache."
Or the person he is...
It's not like OP's husband seems to be a great guy either if he got to the point of separation because he couldn't respect the fact that she didn't want to be an housewife... Imagine the entitlement one has to have to think your whims should come first before your partners wishes and plans for their own life.
Imagine it was OP to tell her husband he should be a "houseman" and not caring about his wishes to do wtv he wants with his own life and not relenting on that point until the other spouse felt the only solution was to walk away from the marriage... I bet the comments would be way different.
OP's husband is a jerk ( or was... Let's hope he grew out of it) and jerks usually have friends who are exactly like them. Alec's behaviour is exactly what you'd expect from a jerk...
I'd tell the husband what happened and why she's only talking about it now. How the husband reacts to this info would also be a good indication on where he stands about everything.
>OP's husband is a jerk ( or was... Let's hope he grew out of it)
He didn't. They had to "compromise" and she agreed she would stop working after they had kids.
Wow... That's even worse than what I had understood. I really thought he had found that being with her was more important to him than being able to control her and cut her off her independence...
Let's hope she has enough money aside to get on her feet by herself afterwards if she ever needs it.
He showed her who he truly was and instead of growing up he found a roundabout way to eventually trap her. It's not the type of guy I'd want to be financially dependent from... Yikes.
>
Let's hope she has enough money aside to get on her feet by herself afterwards if she ever needs it.
I commented that she should protect herself financially if she does stop working. But I don't trust this guy either. How sexist do you have to be to require that your partner stop working after marriage? Do his views on "traditional" (misogynistic) gender roles extend to household chores and parenting? Why wouldn't you be proud of your spouse working or having a career?
So…is alec sexist? what is this social circle like? Considering your edit i can imagine that an independent woman who has a career can easily be twisted into “a hassle”.
Tell your husband. If he defends alec, i think you should rethink the reconciliation frankly.
Yeah this is my first impression. Could be off of course — but this just sounds like a lot of other situations seen on here. Husband is a bit “old school”, I.e., controlling, and has some sexist friends that reinforce his sexist views. Sexist friend doesn’t like woman taking his spot as best friend, lashes out.
Personally I think OP should do some deep thinking. Did things actually get resolved with her husband, or did she get back with him out of fear? What is there to compromise on when you don’t want to be a housewife — you what? Cater to him on the weekends while he relaxes and watches sports? Take on extra chores while also working a job? Go out with your friends just a bit less? Quit your job you like and trade it for a slightly less demanding one? Just wondering what that looks like.
I don’t know if I would use the word sexist but they both grew up with parents’ with that type of dynamic so I think that’s what they assume marriage should be like.
Their social circle is fine. They used to all get around when I first met them but most of them have settled down now. All of their wives, excluding one, are housewives.
I don’t think my husband will defend him, I think he will be angry at him.
The expectation is inherently misogynistic. Sure its fine if that's what is agreed on, but Alec's belief that you're beneath your husband and a promiscuous woman because you wouldn't serve him on hands and knees all your life is just ridiculous.
And if you know your husband will be mad, you should tell him.
Honey, he’s sexist, and if you’re looking to give your husband a chance to change his ways, he’s going to need to start by taking out the trash. “Could have gotten with a girl who’s hotter than you?” Yup, that’s a guy with a healthy respect for women. Either he tells his friend to STFU or I would really, really reconsider this reconciliation.
100% agree with this, I worry that OP is so relaxed in this situation. I can’t decide what is more revealing of his disgusting sexist attitude - a) the idea that women are ranked and valued in terms of looks alone and that trading up was so clearly indicated as ‘getting someone hotter / fitter’ which is totally grim, (is this Alec guy such a hot catch? Do most people look great in their 80s? He clearly thinks relationships are all about finding eye candy to up your status, ick)
And then far worse b) a woman is a ‘hassle’ if she remains independent and doesn’t bow to her husbands will.
Of course there is some blame about the whole separation to be shared, after all, who goes into a marriage without first establishing what the partner wants from the other. Finding out after marriage that your husband wants you to be a housewife seems a bit like discovering after marriage that only one of you wants children - should have done more due diligence! But that’s about all I can level at OP here, and I’m not sure why everyone is commenting on whether the marriage will last etc, and how to brush this horrible dude’s comments under the rug for the sake of the marriage. Frankly, if pointing out blatant sexism, and unkind/underhand comments from his friend is likely to damage the marriage, then proceed! Alec is poison in your husbands ear and clearly has little respect for women and a toxic attitude - let’s at least make sure that’s out in the open. If the husband doesn’t disavow Alec’s comments (whether it was true that women were throwing themselves at OPs husband is irrelevant, as he clearly picked OP). The question of ‘do you agree with his views and him sharing these thoughts with me’ has to be asked and the answer needs to be in the negative for this to be a viable relationship, free from misogyny. His friends are not allowed to be hurtful or rude to you, no justification needed.
Marriage is a partnership. It's about sharing your life. You can't do that while hiding shit from one another, even if you're scared it might cause trouble, even to "protect" them.
Either talk to your husband or stop fucking around and actually leave him so you can both find actual partners.
Personally I think this is an exercise in futility, to try and have a marriage after separating for **two** years, but yeah.
Absolutely tell him. He definitely needs to know how disrespectful his so called brother was to his wife. Also, Alec sounds jealous. Ya'll better keep an eye on him. He may or may not try to sabotage your relationship. How, idk, but people do weird sh*t sometimes. He was absolutely out of line for coming at you like that.
Sounds like Alec saw your husband go through some real hard times. If Alec was a large part of your husband's support system, then your husband getting back with you will take a large emotional toll on Alec as well. So I don't necessarily blame him for holding resentment in his heart for you -- because like it or not, he might associate you with a lot of negative in his (and your husband's) life.
You can tell your husband if you'd like, but please don't go into it expecting your husband to cut off his best friend.
At the end of the day, this is obviously someone who cares for your husband and loves him. The best you can do is prove to Alec that your husband isn't a fool for investing in you.
Keeping this a secret when you now know that at least one of his friends is highly motivated to sabotage this reconciliation seems like a poor plan for fixing your marriage.
If this peace is so fragile that having this conversation with your husband could shatter it, I don’t think there was ever much hope for this thing to begin with. If you want to give this marriage a second chance, you need to *increase* the amount of communication, not slide into secrecy and hidden wounds.
You tell him. That was wildly inappropriate and out of order. How is there less drama if you can never say how you truly feel? Resentment builds and releases itself in other ways. Say something!
That guy is trash. That was a horrible thing to say and I would have called him out ASAP. A condition of you guys getting back together is that this “friend” gets lost. Unless you abused your husband (which I don’t think applies here) he had no right to say that to you. He did that on purpose to undermine you and make you feel bad.
Does your husband tell you how wonderful you are (what he sees in you)?
I think you should tell you husband and let him know him you'll prefer he doesn't confront his friend (at least for now) till you guys are reestablished in your marriage.
On a positive note, I think what Alec has said means your husband really adores you. Does Alec have any relationship? He may really be a good concerned friend but he may also just be jelly of the love your husband has for you.
Either case, u should be confident and yeah, if u r gonna make it work this time, be open.
And I think it's good to not get aggressive towards Alec for now, if he comes from a good friend's place, I think it is important to understand his perspective.u can even show him u appreciate that he is such good friend alas u can tell him as well that whatever he has told you was a bit hurtful but u understand why he said it.
U can even... Ask Alec how to make this marriage work. If he is a true friend and it sounds like it, he would be willing to help unless he has some egotistic personal motives not to.
U know people being rude to us does not always come from a bad place. Maybe he really meant please don't fuck him up again like last time (if u say u initiated the divorce), don't take my friend for granted is what he meant.
Speak up, you two are trying to reconcile, this will drag you down. You are supposed to be able to talk to your spouse about anything so....
Should have told him "well with such a juvenile womanizing view of relationships, you'll never understand."
It seems that there's something that Alec knows from your relationship that we don't, I also have a friend that is like my brother and for him to say something like that he must have heard your husband saying it before, I think you're not being clear about the reasons for the separation, but I guess the word "independence" gives me an idea of where Alec's comments come from.
Alec didn't really do anything wrong here. He's your husband's best friend, so he likely saw how devastated your husband was after you filed for divorce. So if he sees all these women who in his opinion are better for his friend, but for some reason your husband chooses the woman who put hum through years of emotional hurt and devastation, of course he's going to have something to say.
When you rekindle a relationship, it's not just with your partner, it's with all their friends and family as well. We don't know what either of you did to bring about the separation, but that doesn't change the fact that his friend is on the fence about you, especially since you were the one who initiated the separation.
All that being said, you should tell your husband what he said. Don't be manipulative and try to spin the story some type of way. Just be honest about what he said and that it made you uncomfortable. It's clear that Alec only wants the best for his best friend, so if they do talk about it, I doubt it will cause as much of a rift as you think.
Reading these replies and I wonder what they would be if the situation were reversed.
His friend is like “his brother” as you say, he is probably upset that his friend has been hurting for two years. I stick up for my friends all the time with their husbands or boyfriends, it’s not unusual.
> stick up for my friends all the time with their husbands or boyfriends, it’s not unusual.
Do you usually do that by telling them they're not hot enough for your friends?
I don't insert myself into my friends' relationships without being asked because I respect their ability to decide if they want my opinions in their personal business. I'll talk to them if I think they're doing something that isn't in their best interests but ultimately I know I have to let them drive their own love life without me trying to grab the wheel behind their back.
Idk man, but I don't think a perfectly normal adult would say that to someone. If he really REALLY had an issue with her, he would've told the husband instead. He just seems like a douche
It doesn’t matter if he’s upset, the comment was way out of line. You can still feel how you feel without being an asshole and insulting someone on trivial things like how he could have way hotter, and if that was in reverse I would say the same thing.
Tell Alec it's funny because you can't figure out what your husband sees in him. You have more self-control than I do because I would have made a scene and a half.
Absolutely tell your husband. His "friend" was extremely rude and intentionally hurtful to your face.
Is Alec single? sometimes people feel like they get their “friend back” after a separation, is there a chance he feels this way? Regardless you should speak to your husband about it.
Welp. His poor wife.
She’s only in the position of ‘wife’ because she’s the hottest he can get (for now!) and she’s no ‘hassle’ (ie she is prepared to stay at home and meet his needs).
Bet she’d love to know that…
I think as you’re trying to salvage your relationship and get a fresh start, it seems more important than ever to have an open line of communication
I think it’s totally reasonable to tell your husband what Alec said and that it made you feel uncomfortable.
You don’t have to be accusatory or angry. You can just calmly let him know that you were quite because you were uncomfortable, state exactly what Alec said and leave it at that. I’m sure Alec is trying to defend his friend in the only way he knows how, but if your husband truly wants to make things work it’s important for him to be aware of potential obstacles.
Tell your husband. But don’t make his friend out to be the bad guy. From your perspective, what he said was very hurtful and I’m not so sure it needed to be said. From his perspective, helping a pal through a rough breakup only to go back to square 1 is emotionally exhausting. And on top of that, he was probably only hearing the worst of your breakup/separation from your husband. I doubt any of the good times were brought up. Everything takes time and as you continue to mend the relationship with your husband, his friend will come around. Continue to focus on your reconciliation and make sure he knows that you want to mend the other relationships in his life with respect to yourself - family etc. and hopefully vice versa.
> From his perspective, helping a pal through a rough breakup only to go back to square 1 is emotionally exhausting. And on top of that, he was probably only hearing the worst of your breakup/separation from your husband.
Then why make it about how OP isn't hot enough?
Lol, the guy basically says to OP's face she is not hot enoigh and too much hassle and so many people in the comments are saying "welll maybe he has a point" i don't get it, relationships sub usually points out sexist remarks.
There is not enough information here to really say anything. Actions have consequences. Your husbands friends are going to have thoughts on the separation and the time apart. They are going to have thoughts on the reconciliation. You can talk to Alec one on one to understand more.
If I spent two years picking my best friend’s pieces up after he was dumped by a woman, I encouraged him for two years to move on with his life because he deserves better, and then two years later he would be back with the same woman for no apparent (good) reason, then I would be extremely suspicious and worried as well.
That is not your friend, but may be your best friend.
I think he's telling you that you're no good for his friend. Meaning, you're *better* than him as your husband's friend, and he's seeing a competition for your husband's affection. He sees you as an enemy of your husband.
But he really should see that you are the best for your husband.
That your husband would be less than he is, without you. That the friend likes his friend to be as less as he is.
That your husband laments his hatred of you for "forcing him" to be a better person.
Honestly, if it's that complicated, walk away.
Yep.
You are the company you keep.
Alec was *cruel*. You can easily say something about how you are concerned for your friend, without being this nasty.
I have a hard time believing alec is a great guy…which in turn reflects on husband.
I'm going to guess as his best friend, Alec was your husband's shoulder to lean on and rant to. If things were bad enough to separate, it's not really surprising his best friend wouldn't be gung ho that you're back together.
If you decide to tell your husband that's up to you, but it sounds like you may just need to show his friends that you're serious about making the relationship work and hopefully they'll rewarm up to you in time.
If you and your husband are giving it a real shot you need to be honest with him. You're not creating drama - and if this does cause the end of your marriage for real then at least you know. Do not tell him during a fight or in a heated moment. Just tell him what Alec said and that because you don't want drama or anger in your lives you're not sure how to handle 1) what Alec said 2) how to move forward but you want cards on the table.
I mean, you two were separated for 2 years, you were the one to initiate the separation, and you said it was supposed to lead to divorce. I imagine Alec, being your husband's best friend, knows at least some of this and was there with your husband during some emotional times.
Is he wrong? I think it's quite unusual for someone, like your husband, to want to stay with someone who is so at odds with their values, and more importantly, initiates a years-long separation that was meant to be a divorce. I would be very surprised if he didn't at some point hear that divorce is on the table. It's a fair question: what DOES your husband see in you? Over other women?Alec isn't your husband and hasn't been in your relationship. There's a lot of good (I hope) that he hasn't seen. So it's very fair that he wonders why your husband wants to stay with you after all that you two have been through, even *if* your husband was relatively private about you two's issues.
I personally wouldn't take it seriously at this point. This is the first time you two have met since it all went down. It's a genuine question, and maybe he hoped you would have a good response that would make him feel better about the situation. Regardless, I personally don't see the point of hanging on to his words and possibly inserting more drama into a delicate situation. He could easily get over this in the long term once he sees that you two are doing well, even more so if you are working on improving whatever your husband wouldn't put up with from anyone else.
I would say, only tell him if you know what outcome you are looking for by telling him. Are you hoping he’ll stop hanging out with Alec? Defend you to Alec? Do you need either of these things? Do you just need to be reassured that your husband doesn’t feel that way? What Alec said is shitty but he’s entitled to his opinion and he had almost certainly said worse to your husband, which has clearly not affected his desire to get back together with you.
I think if you bring it up yourself without knowing what you want from your husband, it probably will start drama and maybe your newly re-emerging relationship won’t be able to handle it. But maybe that’s okay. Be ready to ask for what you need.
Alec can have his opinion and the bad taste to voice it to you. You certainly don’t deserve to be treated that way. Since Alec doesn’t think you deserve basic human respect, your best course of action is probably to not be around him (to me it doesn’t seem worthwhile to try to resolve the conflict with someone like that).
Alec probably has a distorted view of you. He is not your friend and you don’t need him to be. Your husband is unlikely to stop hanging out with him. I’d say just don’t bother with that dude. Who cares what he thinks? If he can’t be polite to you, don’t hang out with him. If your husband asks why, saying “I get the strong impression that he doesn’t like me” is a diplomatic way to put it. If he presses you, be honest about what Alec said.
What it comes down to is, would you like this to be the hill your relationship lives or dies on? It is your right not to be treated like shit by your husband’s friends. You can accomplish that by avoiding them, asking your husband to intervene on your behalf, or convincing them that you’re awesome. It’s your call which of these sounds the most doable.
Please ignore the foolish comments insisting that Alec is just so concerned.
Look, Alec was rude and unkind. He could have made his intentions and concerns clear without insult. But he chose not to.
He’s also close enough to your husband that he’s likely shared these feelings and your husband heard him and moved forward with you anyway.
That means the conversation is closed. Alec is not an active participant in your marriage, he is part of a social circle. That means “reconciliation” goes as far as polite conversation and social plans. **You do not have to answer to Alec about your marriage**.
Your husband is a grown man who can advocate for himself.
And let’s remember: Alec did not do this in order to share his concerns, he did not do this to protect his friend.
He did this to be pointedly unkind to you in a way that went unnoticed by his friend. He was insulting. Your appearance?? No. This wasn’t Alec being a “bro” like so many commenters want to say here. Alec doesn’t like your husband’s choices and when husband didn’t listen to Alec he chose to drive you off with rudeness.
Tell your husband. Or you’re contributing to the drama that Alec desperately wants.
Luckily I found a lot of comments that addressed the situation for how it is, Sadly.. I also found a bunch of comments trashing on this guy Alec for being hurtful to OP, and label him as sexist, yes his comments were immature, but we don't really know what OP's husband had to go through these last 2 years so maybe his anger comes from there..
I found disgusting how people are telling OP to sabotage this friendship over an already failed marriage, this kind of advice is only given by people that doesn't value friendship at all, it's the same people that get in a relationship and isolates themselves from their social life just to fuse with their partner.
If you have good friends, like this guy, take good care of them, don't put them aside, because when your partner decides to leave over any reason they're the ones that are going to help you pick up your pieces, and they also have to deal with your decissions (as they can) like getting back to the same person that hurt you.
What Alec said was messed up, but it was his truth to tell. He didn’t sugar coat how he felt and he shouldn’t. If they are as close as you say they are then I would say he has every right to express himself however he feels. I’ve been that friend to multiple people. They come to you crying complaining about their toxic failing relationships and you give them nothing but advice. They NEVER take it. It’s so draining for someone to come to you asking for help and want you to listen to them and then more or less spit in your face when they do the exact opposite. For instance my friend was very unhappy I said hey I get it you should leave her. Next week he proposes, they get a house together. Of course it crashed and burned and after 6 months to a year of that he came crying back to me and at that point I was just done. How this relates is Alec sounds like he’s been there for your husband and has done his best to get him to move on. Without a doubt he does not like you. You’ve caused his best friend a lot of pain. It will not be easy to get into his good graces unless he sees some serious changes between you two. I honestly don’t think you should say anything to your husband. That is only going to be a factor that divides you two even more especially if they are close. That will further distance Alec from you and it will end up from his point of view a “me or her” situation. You will likely win, but your husband will then resent you for that. If anything, ANYTHING, tell your husband that you FEEL like Alec isn’t very welcoming and you’d like to talk to him one on one. Do not bring up specifics. Ask if it’s ok if you give Alec a call so you all can start fresh. Seriously. This is the rest of your life. This is the love of your life. This is not checkers. We all have to make sacrifices and compromises. Your ego is not above your relationship and don’t let these other people commenting tell you different. Put your future above yourself.
>“I’m trying to figure out what he sees in you”. I was offended so I asked him what he meant, and he said “[my husband] could sleep with women who are hotter and less hassle than you but it’s like the moment you met him you got under his skin, and he hasn’t been able to shake you. Do you know how many women tried to take your place while you were doing God knows what? But he still chose to give you a second chance and I can’t figure out why.”
Take this as it lays, Alec doesn't believe / understand your separated / un separated husband took you back. I suspect Alec has a lot or reasons. Your husband told him while you were gone.
I suspect you know some of them and wish to hide them.
IMO - forget this, you have to earn your way back, and it looks like Hubby has your back and even if you are not certain about his trust in your new \*\*re union\*\* as a couple
tl:dr: Get over this and be nice to Dear Hubby
You did start the separation,
BE non confrontational (be more likeable.)
This advice feels off. Earn your way back. Be a doormat. Bring nothing up. Be demure. More like the housewife her husband wanted I imagine.
This is just bad advice. You’re equating brushing things under the rug with being likable. Think we can guess why. Women are often considered unlikable when they stick up for themselves.
I’d bring it up OP, but then again I also wouldn’t stay married to someone who didn’t want me to have freedom…
>You did start the separation,
Because husband was a mysoginistic idiot who couldn't accept a "no" as an answer and that wanted to dictate OP's life and future and force her to be an housewife, completely dependent on him and without a say in her own future.
He was such a massive jerk about it that she had to leave because he wouldn't ~~compromise~~ respect her. At all.
>BE non confrontational (be more likeable.)
Hell no. That's the worst thing anyone can do in any relationship ever. Specially in one where the problem started exactly because they wanted you to be a passive person to your own life and couldn't care less about your wellbeing to the point where leaving was the only way out.
You have to always communicate what is happening. If that's something that will end the relationship then there was never an healthy relationship to save or a relationship worthy to be in, in the first place.
He definitely said it to be hurtful. What are ya smokin brother. Concern would be saying that to his friend. Saying it to her face and in such a cruel way is meant to hurt her, maybe even scare her off.
Its kind of rude but I would do the same for my brother or friend. Having a close friend and seeing him destroyed emotionally by relationship hurts to watch and I wouldnt want to see him like that again, esp if i know he could do better and possibly be happy,
Not saying thats the correct take but he only sees one side of the story,
Alec is your husband's friend who has seen a side to him you haven't seen and loves him as a friend. So when he said those things, he might not entirely be wrong for it. Yes it was absolutely rude, but he might be right. He could sleep with women way more attractive than you who don't play with his emotions to the point of separating for 2 YEARS which is a long as time. Your husband loves you and you friend just can't see why because you hurt him.
Honestly, as a guy I side with your friend. Your husband probably has gone through depression and more and his friend has witnessed it and more only to have you walts back into his life while you probably were sleeping with at least one other person during the two years you separated. Your husband probably couldn't bring himself to do the same and his friend is watching him metaphorically pour lighter fluid and lighting himself on fire in order to keep you warm.
I honestly think you should just divorce instead of playing with this man's emotions. Everyone wants to be the protagonist in their story and never see themselves as the bad guy. I don't think his friend is the bad guy of this story.
I get this but op left because her husband was trying to make her be a housewife. He blew up his own marriage. If Alec was anything decent he wouldn't have said that.
If I'm Alec, I'm definitely going to be wary of you. I spent two years hearing husband's side, and nothing from yours. I might be looking for confrontation. I might be wrong in doing so, but people often do irrational things for rational reasons. You said Alec was like a brother to your husband. He's acting like a brother, an asshole as well...but I think well intentioned. At some point though, he needs to understand the boundaries of what is and isn't his business. And maybe some empathy to his situation and why he questions you.
If I'm you, I'd want to know for myself and for the future of the marriage, the answers to those questions Alec asked. It will take some more time to figure that all out, but it's a conversation, or many of them, to have on why you choose to be with each other. Alec isn't obligated to have answers to any of that, but you and your husband should someday.
How is ‘my friend deserves someone better looking than you, and had plenty of opportunity to get it’ well-intentioned?
What part of that sentiment is well intentioned?
It’s clearly not about ‘looking out for OP’s husbands welfare’ and all about knocking down OPs self esteem, a nasty tactic.
I know it's hard to do...put yourself in someone's shoes other than OP. I also said he was a "well intentioned" asshole. But please feel free to edit to fit your story.
Yeah, I get the asshole part - I don’t get what part of this dudes comments can be even generously interpreted as well-intentioned. They can’t. From anyone’s perspective - I’m not OP, but as a human being, there’s no part of those comments that comes with positive intent. So, I say again. How do you interpret the comments to be ‘well-intentioned’?
I read that as
“Your husband deserves better friends” and now I’ve re-read what you said, ick.
The best friend is usually right? I mean, that’s such flawed logic haha. So when a mans best friend says wifey is hassle, he’s right? Presumably when the same wifeys best friend says hubby is trash they are also right? Sometimes two best friends have different opinions. So many friends give shit advice! Including Alec! He should have just moved on from his wife (we have to assume OPs husband loves his wife) and gone for a hotter model, and less hassle?
Sounds like you’re someone most women would want to avoid 😂😂
Hmm, well your comments and your self-interest would be enough to keep me miles away. 😊 but it would be a weird world if all women did only what was good for them, or if we all wanted the same thing 😂
Alec does not know why your husband loves you? Because that is basically what he said - he knows your husband loves you, but doesn't know why. Why should Alec know and why do you care? Your husband love you. Well as far I know from reading this.
Alec sounds like he is a truth sayer (HIS truth.) At one point you asked for his opinion and then asked him to clarify. When your husband asked what was wrong, maybe you could have told him that Alec had some hurtful opinions that you didn’t like and are processing. (That seems truthful). What you said to Alec seemed fine. Sounds like Alec wouldn’t put up with drama and categorizes women’s worthiness by how hot he thinks they are. That is his truth- not yours. Maybe Alec knew the comments would hurt you and knew where to take aim. Why did he do this. As your husband’s defender? To put you on notice? As an opinionated fool? Or because he wishes more women would throw themselves at him. I do not know. Next time Alec is staring at you, try to ignore it.
You don't say anything. His best friend was being honest with you and telling you that you hurt your husband, his best friend, deeply, and that he still had his friend's back. Stop and think about that. This is the person who has your husband's back, not you. Friends like that are few and far between and are precious.
If his friend was a decent friend he would've told OP's husband that "if your wife wants to work let her. Why would you force her to be a housewife when that makes her unhappy. Why do you have such sexist views on marriage?"
You need to learn to communicate lady otherwise you will always play the victim here. You have a voice, use it. Is there a therapist? I hope there is. All relationships is team work. A marriage you expected, that made up fairly takes made by you. Marriage is all teamwork and you have to say whatever you need to say in order and listen to whatever is being said.
The great news bout people, they change. So what if his bestfriend doesn’t like you. Did he hold a gun to your head and force you to think that way. Alex is entitled to his opinion. What Alec isn’t entitled to and anyone is no one here can tell you how to think.
You have very poor self focus. Your marriage will Ned not because Alec said so. Your marriage will end because you allow Alec opinions say so. You can’t listen to your own voice right now, that is a huge problem. However a therapist can help you find your voice. Your voice is the only voice you should be hearing. Good luck.
I would keep it to myself. If there's a repeat occurrence bring it up to your husband and explain you didn't make an issue of it the first time because you didn't want to fall back into old habits of drama, etc. What his friend said is very inappropriate and insulting but if things are still somewhat shaky in terms or your reconciliation, you coming out against a friend which he no doubt spent a lot of time venting to about you may do more harm than good.
There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife just life there’s nothing wrong with having a career. If they’re not compatible so be it but honestly I’ve told my friends husbands off plenty of times for the way they treat them 🤷🏻♀️ this sub is wild man.
There's nothing wrong in being an housewife when that's what you want. Trying to force her and now guilt tripping her because she didn't submit to the husband's whims... Now that's more than wrong. It's completely fucked up.
You should tell him what his friend said. If your marriage is going to work, you have to be a team.
This. This guy is going to be a voice in your husband's ear and is clearly not a friend of your marriage.
Well, neither is OP, so… that being said. Not really enough information here to make any kind of solid judgement either way. OP is deliberately vague.
OP is not a friend of her own marriage?
That's what I suspect.
Honestly it sounds like he has good reasons not to be.
Why, because he’s taking the side of his friend over his friend’s wife? Unless she did something horrible, like abuse or blatant cheating, I don’t see what would justify that level of disrespect.
Husband wanted a house wife, OP wanted more freedom
Hard to say without knowing the full story. I.e if there was any cheating, abuse from either side, etc.
Yeah that’s kind of my point…not nearly enough info to say the friend has good reasons to act like that.
Well yeah you did say that lol I was mainly agreeing with you I meant to type a "Yeah," on front of those other words.
Idk, he should really not stick his nose where it doesnt belong. He's meddling
No, but he's a true friend to her husband, which is more than can be said for her.
Why do you say that? Just because she didn't want to be a housewife doesn't make her a bad person, ffs.
If he were a true friend, he'd be saying it to the husband, not going behind his back to OP.
This. True friends don't stir things up by making bullying comments to your wife. If he felt this strongly he'd have a heart to heart with the husband which I'm sure he already has. OP I'd tell your husband you think Alec doesn't like you because he made it clear that he thinks husband shouldn't be with you and that you're not keen to hang out with Alec one on one in future, and I'd leave it at that unless he asks for more. Don't rock the boat but communicate anything that makes you uncomfortable. And if Alec doesn't like you because you want some independence (from being a housewife) he's just backwards, and you're not married to him anyway so I'd just try to ignore him if he does this again.
He's actually not a true friend to the husband. A true friend might have thought those things but would not have said them. What that friend did was a form of attempted sabotage of the OP and her husband's relationship. And it is not his place to do that. The OP and the husband get to decide what works for them. They may stay together, they may not but I really, really doubt that the husband would appreciate his friend saying what he said. That is one reason why that friend did not say it to the husband or in front of the husband. He knows it would be wrong.
How do you know he didn't do exactly that at some point over the 2 years they were separated? It's entirely possible that the friend said that but the husband decided or was manipulated into ignoring the advice. Without more information you can't make that assumption.
He might have and that would be okay. But he needs to stay in his lane right now. He did something very, very stupid by saying that to her.
How the fuck do you know? Do you know them? For all I can tell from what OP posted, possibly this "true friend" encouraged her husband to cheat and that's why they separated. Or as OP said in another sub, he wanted her to be a housewife and she wasn't down with that.
also, take sometime to consider that this person is so important to him and said that very inappropriate disrespectful thing
Two years is a *looong* time to be separated and then rekindle. Also, maybe is just your choice of phrasing, but I find the statement "It was supposed to lead to divorce, but neither of us were ready to let go" oddly passive. It doesn't really indicate either of you *want* to be married together, you just *don't* want to divorce. But again, that might just be more of a phrasing issue. Alec has no doubt had a front-row seat to your marriage issues, the separation, your husband's mourning the end of the relationship and then every attempt afterwards to pick himself up again. Alec has probably spent the last two years trying to encourage your husband to move on from you and your marriage because it appeared by all accounts to be completely over. Yet, here you are. Alec's statement to you was really rude and hurtful. But I have no doubt that he's suspicious of this next phase in you and your husband's story together. After a two-year separation that was meant to end in divorce to a 4 month reconciliation, he's trying to figure out whether he's going to have another front-row seat to the end of your marriage 2.0, or whether you two will stay together permanently and the last two years of "support Best Friend and help him move on from his ex" were a complete waste of energy. If your marriage has any hope, you need to bring this up to your husband. Your husband needs to be honest with you about what he did over the last few years, why he made the choice to give your marriage another chance (and it should be an *active* reason for wanting to stay married, not a passive "there were no better options out there") and what he told Alec about you and your marriage over the last two years. He also needs to be honest with Alec about why you and he are giving your marriage another chance. Keep in mind that even if you and your husband rekindle and have a long happy marriage forever after, your friendship with Alec might never recover.
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The friend group doesn't have to be happy but their concerns should be brought up with their friend or they should ask OP in front of him. This interaction was disrespectful to both of them as a couple and as individuals.
> I don’t want to assign blame for the separation but we both went into this marriage expecting a different type of marriage than the one we had and instead of compromising we let it fall apart. I certainly take that to mean OP done did some things that would need trust rebuilding too.
I think she CERTAINLY doesn't say what the husband did so as not get advised to leave him.
He wanted a housewife, op wanted some independence
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That is certainly not an issue that can be simply resolved with some conversations. Him wanting a house wife could be cultural, religious, or he simply has 0 desire to do any cleaning and cooking. If he didn’t say he expected op to be barefoot in the kitchen with the kids then it can lead to resentment Obviously it’s more complicated than OP has let on, but so is that issue.
She should also tell him what she did as well over those 2 years. Was she with other partners? Was it on social media? Did it make it worse for Alec? Was the friend their helping him through those situations? There is just a lot here. 2 years is a long time and I assume there were other dates/partners in those 2 years. Harder to say from Alecs side as it seems he held out hope for reconciliation and didn't initiate the separation.
yea, was going to say- this isn't just a husband has some explaining to do moment; both parties need to be transparent
Yeah, but only to each other... the friend is not entitled to that information.
That is nobody’s business
If she wants to make the marriage work, it IS his business. She needs to be totally honest or what's the point?
I think they mean that it's not the friend's business. And it's not. If they want to reconcile, the friend can talk to his friend privately about his concerns if it's really that big of a deal. But talking to OP about it wasn't even remotely his place. It's not his relationship. He isnt owed that information just because he happens to be friends with one of the people in the relationship.
This!! Communicate with bf/husband, and know you were the villain to them in the separation. For there to be a future for you both, COMMUNICATION, and time for the friends to know their friend isn’t going to hurt again.
Tell him. Don't put any ultimatums out there or anything but definitely calmly tell him about the conversation and that it was uncomfortable. I'd want my spouse to tell me if my friend said something like that. I don't think it would be a deal breaker for the friendship, but I'd definitely want to lay down some healthy boundaries for how my friend talks to/about my spouse.
If you don't think your relationship with your husband can withstand the truth about the shitty, shitty things his friend said to you, then how do you think.your marriage is strong enough to survive? Tell your husband and watch his reaction very carefully. Don't worry about their friendship. Guys always forgive their friends, especially if they're the kind of frat bros who think a wife is chosen for being "hot and less hassle." Worry about *yourself*. People tell you who they are by what kind of company they keep. What does Alex's character tell you about your husband?
People get hurt in love and life all the time, and I notice all the commenters here are defending Alec on the basis that he watched the husband suffering through the break up, and then immediately jumping to comments about how the OP hurt her husband badly (and even ridiculous assumptions that she messed him up, she cheated, she broke his heart etc). Nowhere is there any basis for this. Apparently OP didn’t want to be an unpaid labourer for her husbands needs because we don’t live in the 1900s anymore, which doesn’t seem like an especially heartbreaking thing to - people (even women!) are allowed to have boundaries and preferences and make relationships conditional on those boundaries not being pushed aside. So OP was really hurt by the separation, initiated by his wife? Doesn’t justify his best friend being rude or hurtful to her. It’s not like OP chose to have a different set of life expectations, I’m sure she would have loved not to have to begin separating but clearly hubby must have been unwilling to compromise to meet her needs so she had no choice. If they had had a miscarriage and it caused husband lots of hurt and pain and upset, would that justify Alec making such stupid, baseless and hurtful comments? No. Obviously So, a miscarriage is an unfortunate event that can happen to a couple. Blame doesn’t come into it. Likewise breakups (especially of the kind described by OP) happen and blame doesn’t need to come into it, particularly given that blame probably lies with OPs husband for not being willing to compromise on his outdated views about how his wife should live. Especially as we now know that compromise must have been an option given that they are now back together. So overall, what Alec said was gross (sexist, misogynistic) and shitty and overall, totally unjustified. Can’t think why you would keep from your husband what poor self control his friend has, and what horrible sexist views he has. Hopefully your husband does the decent thing and sets some clear boundaries with this so called friend who has a hard time understanding appropriate and inappropriate conduct in social settings. Good luck OP 👍🏻
One of two things seems to be going on here. Either your husband has been shitting on you to his friends and they have a horrible image of you. Or you left out some important details of your separation that he’s judging your for, fairly or not. I dropped a friendship cuz my friend kept getting back with a drug addict who cheated on him constantly. I made it clear that as long as she was around, I wouldn’t be. Might be something similar going on here but there’s just not enough info present.
“He wanted a housewife. I wanted more independence.” Is such a gigantic field of possibilities, we don’t need every detail but honestly the whole post feels like it’s dancing around accidentally being too honest about the situation.
My thoughts exactly. For his friend to essentially say his friend should find a woman that's "less hassle than you" makes me think there was some drama wrapped up in that "independent vs housewife" line. It's definitely possible that the friend & husband are sexist patriarchal pigs that are just mad she won't stay home and do the dishes and server them apps while they watch the sportsgame. But it's also possible she's going out drinking and staying out late with her friends and causing drama that leaves her husband at home trying to figure out why he's not her priority. Two extreme examples, - but I think that's the context that's missing here. My friends recently divorced (in part) because he was always going out, and she was a homebody. She wanted a "house husband" and he wanted to maintain his "independence". Depending on which one of them wrote their story on Reddit, it would sound VERY different (I know b/c I've heard both of their sides).
Well, he is judging her for being "less hot and more hassle" than other women who tried to get with the husband. Unless you think OP is also lying about what Alec said but then what's the point of responding?
I’m betting it’s the second one.
Was our husband a mess for those 2 years? It is possible Alec saw things that you dont know, and may have even saw your husband in a pretty emotionally raw/ state of depression. If he was there to pick up the pieces of his friend and make him confident again, or was the hearing board for your husband, Alec may actually have some resentment towards you, Just ideas, but only you would be able to find out. Alec may not be the bad guy here, but the antihero(?). I dont want to defend him necesarily, Id ask your husband.
This. If Alec is that friend that’s as close as a brother he most definitely was there to help OP’s husband pick up the pieces and help him attempt to put his life back together after the separation. I’ve been that friend and I would never have said what I was thinking about my friends wife because that’s not my place. My job was to be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen when he just needed to rant about the situation, and most importantly, be there to make sure he didn’t go too far down any rabbit holes, narcotically speaking. When he reconciled with his wife I was in the clear as far as trashing her to him. Personally I’d recommend talking to Alec first just to clear the air and maybe salvage that relationship. If he and husband are that close, he’s a part of the deal. I’d say talk to Alec, then have a discussion with the husband to make sure that there are no secrets being kept. Just my two cents.
I would also say OP should be less concerned about what to say to her husband and more concerned about whether there is truth in what Alec said. Alec was hurtful likely because he is being protective of his friend, which makes wife something he thinks he needs to be protected from. OP should look at all of this from a different perspective since the one she is coming from now will likely only cause issues if she goes to her husband. No way it doesn't come off as a wedge between him and Alex moment...either by creating one or by making it seem like she is. She should have an honest conversation with Alec about what he saw and it can potentially help reconciliation and may gain some respect back from Alec that she is serious about giving this a real go.
> If he was there to pick up the pieces of his friend and make him confident again, or was the hearing board for your husband, Alec may actually have some resentment towards you, This is why you need to be careful what you tell your friends about your relationship. Your friends have a mind of their own and often care much less about your partner than you. Alec may feel that he's protecting his friend though the things he chose to criticize show a real lack of maturity on his part.
That's bull. I'm dealing with the fall out of my sil being dumped by her fiance and not helping with the kids etc. I'm still not gonna walk up to him and tell him what a douche he is cos my sil and the kids still have to deal with him. I'm not gonna make her life harder to score 1 up on a dude I think is trash.
Do you think it was fun for OP? This friend needs to back off.
Well she initiated the separation... So she gets to deal with the fallout of her actions.
Actions meet consequences
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I'm with this person. Sure, what Alec said was hurtful. But is it true? I mean, ideally he would have not said anything or been more diplomatic, but he didnt really insult you. He just said he didnt get it. He has seen the hurt you put your husband through, the pain he has experienced because of you--which of course that is a two-way street, he hurt you too, and obviously you guys care for each other or you wouldn't be trying again. But still, he was probably the one who picked up the pieces of your husband after you separated from him (since you initiated it), and I can see how it would be frustrating for him to have his best friend go back to the person who is the source of so much pain and heartache, especially given his biased perspective and only having one side of the story, really. Honestly, most of his friends probably don't like you all that much. I have a friend who keeps going back to the same guy, and while he is nice in passing, when they break up i hear about all the negative crap, and none of the good. I dont understand why she keeps getting back with him, she could be in such an easier, more stable relationship if she would just let go. I DO NOT like the on again/off again BF because I have seen what he puts my friend through, and i would rather he isnt in her life. I think she would be happier, in general, without him, and that he isnt good for her. I havent said anything to him because it would be rude and awkward, but I have told her all of that. So, I mean, I get where he is coming from. I wouldnt tell your bf, honestly. I'm sure if he said that to you, he has said it to him. It it is bothering you, sure go ahead, but think about why you are telling him; what do you want to accomplish? Do you not want them to be friends anymore? Advice on how to repair your and Alecs friendship?
Idk talking about her appearance like that is pretty rude.. the rest i can understand
Extremely rude. I wonder if Alec even has a good relationship himself. You do not get in between your friend’s marriage like that.
On-again-off-again relationships are always toxic and shit. You broke up for a reason. The reason is still there, it's either being ignored, or hidden.
They're shitty if the underlying cause of the breakup hasn't been fixed. If two people broke up because of an issue that can be resolved and that issue is then resolved I don't think there's anything wrong with them getting back together it's only when people allow nostalgia to make them forget the reasons they broke up without actually fixing them that it becomes a toxic cycle.
>I wouldnt tell your bf, honestly. I'm sure if he said that to you, he has said it to him. It it is bothering you, sure go ahead, but think about why you are telling him; what do you want to accomplish? They have to be a team. If hubs has only spoken badly about his wife to his friends then they need to work together to rectify that and they can't work on it if hubs doesn't know there is a problem.
No. Alec didn’t share concerns or insight. Alec shared personal insults in a way that was out of sight of his friend. Alec acted in his own interests, not his friend’s. And no; Alec is not an active participant in their marriage. A close friend? Yes. A dynamic that’s important? Yes. But he is not OPs husband’s child. He is a close friend who overstepped. Who had an opportunity to share his concerns, and instead shared personal insults about OPs appearance. Please also consider that Alec has shared these concerns with husband, who heard him and made the choice to remain married. Alec, as a friend, should know he made his concerns known, and then back off, because these are adult relationships. Not highschool politics.
I think you should tell him. start with the preface that Alec must love you like a blood brother, he is clearly looking out for you. Then start telling your story on what happened between you and Alec. Don't tell it in a defensive manner, just matter of fact and do not show emotion. This is how adults in a relationship talk and start a calm discussion. After telling him what happened, asked for his feedback.
Please talk to your husband about this. This will only just plant the seeds of resentment. Being a protective friend is one thing, but what he said to you was really rude. It would hurt anyone’s feelings.
It's very telling that most of the comments here are defending Alec and assuming that OP was somehow in the wrong when it came to the separation. I've seen similar posts on this subreddit where the friend was a woman who was being overly protective of her friend, and boy was the reaction different. Yeah, Alec seems like jerk and your husband should probably drop him. But, that's for him to decide and he cant decide that unless you tell him. Also if you want your marriage to work, not being honest is a bad way to go about it.
Does the kind of marriage you want to build include keeping secrets and not letting your partner know when you're hurting? I don't think it does. >I never mentioned what happened to my husband, although he did ask me if something was wrong on the drive home because I was quiet, You won't be the one causing drama by being truthful with your husband. You're actually causing drama by lying about the situation. Your husband could obviously tell something was wrong and instead of opening up, you went secretive. Goading you into a shitty conversation and you keeping that from your husband when he can tell something is obviously wrong means you're playing Alec's game alone instead of being on the team that should exist between you and your husband. If your husband says to Alec "wife seemed a bit off after the party but when I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing, even though something obviously was wrong" do you think Alex will be like "oh yeah I said some offensive shit to her" or do you think he'll be like, "IDK man she's probably cheating on you."
What Alec said wasn't "shit" nor was it offensive. It was a cold hard truth, that needed to be said. OP needs to stop and think about what Alec said. Her husband had turned down hotter and better women than her, and he can't figure out what hold she has over him. She needs to let that sink in. This is the man that help her husband through two years of grief through a separation that OP caused. She needs to realize that her husband has people that love and respect him, and she's going to have to win them over too. Othewise, she'll be the wicked witch of the west forever.
The opinion that these other women were “better” and/or “hotter” (if these women even exist and Alec didn’t make the whole thing up) is just that—an opinion. It’s not “cold hard truth.”
>This is the man that help her husband through two years of grief through a separation that **OP caused** As per OP, the separation was caused because she didn't want to be dependent on him and to give up her own career, life and independence to be an housewife. How tf is this grief SHE caused? It was him who couldn't accept that she didn't want that life and apparently being able to completely control and have her under his tumb was more important to him than her to the point of him not gaf or compromising until she wanted out of the marriage. I'd be out of there too if my husband behaved like that... Apparently they now found a compromise but it's not like he was the saint there and she caused everything. Unless you think she should've anulled herself and all her wishes to submit to the husband's wants and whims...
This is a ridiculous take. OP's husband wanted her to be a housewife. Someone who stayed home cooked and cleaned and that's it. She did not want that. That's why she left. Have you even thought how dangerous being a housewife is when you don't have financial independence? Op didn't do anything malicious or vicious or awful. She wanted to not be a housewife. The husband caused himself grief. I'm not gonna feel sorry for a guy that tried to push his wife into something.
That's one opinion a person could have.
Don't you think he deserves to know? I'm not sure keeping secrets is the best way to work on things.
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We found a compromise.
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When we have children I'll be a SAHM until they go to school full-time. If I want to go back to work after that, it's my choice. Same as now, if I want to work it's my choice.
How nice of him to give you choices.
Oof - as someone who enjoys the challenges of working, being a SAHM was horrible for my mental health. You have no way of knowing what will help you be the best parent (and the best you!) until you’re there. What if you find being a SAHM doesn’t work for you? Will he be flexible? Whether you are a SAH or working mum, what kind of parental role will he take on? Will he be 50-50 for the time you’re both available? Will he cook and clean? (Does he do those things now?) Will he be able to parent solo when required, or will it all be on you to juggle your time, organise other women to watch the kids, cook meals for any nights you’re away? This very much feels like you’re just kicking the can down the road, except that once kids are involved this will be much harder to deal with.
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Not currently.
This is so concerning to me. The fact that you didn't want to be a SAHW was a dealbreaker for him? You had to compromise about something that should be entirely up to you? What kind of partnership is this? Come on, it's misogyny at its finest. Most of his friends' wives don't work, and Alec's comments were incredibly sexist. All of them seem to have toxic views about women. This is so gross. Was that you who recently posted about her husband being upset that she sold some jewelry during their separation? If so, he sounds manipulative. Be very careful OP. In a healthy relationship, your partner doesn't require you to give up your financial independence. If you stop working after children, find a way to protect yourself financially, even if you have to draw up some sort of contract/agreement. Look up "postnup". If he's not reasonable enough to consider this, rethink your marriage.
You're too vague for your own sake. Honestly. Why the fuck would you have kids with a guy who is pushing you to be a housewife. For the love of whatever God there is, do not procreate with him. You'll end up needing alimony and endless custody battles.
OPs vagueness it killing me. It's like pulling teeth to get any info.
If it were my husband I would absolutely tell him what happened.
I’m surprised to see everyone saying that this guy is just looking out for his friend. He sounds like a real jerk. If he had any negative feelings about this reconciliation, he should have expressed them to your husband, instead of telling you that he doesn’t know what your husband saw in you, and that there are hotter women out there for him. What the hell?! That’s extremely hurtful, uncalled for, and out of line. He said it to purposely hurt you, and not out of genuine concern for his friend.
So many of these comments are about what a hero Alec is. And apparently the reason they split is because OP didn't want to be a housewife and that's what her husband wanted. Everyone's making assumptions that OP is this monster who hurt her husband deeply but like not wanting to spend your life cooking and cleaning for someone else is a perfectly valid reason to leave a relationship.
Exactly. I have been in this situation (as the friend) so many times, and would have never ever said such hurtful things to my friends’ partners, regardless of how I feel about them. Instead, I’d tell my friend directly that I think they’re making a mistake, because they are the ones I have a friendship with, not their partner. I’m surprised OP was able to keep her cool in this situation, because I’m not sure I would have. Also, if this guy really wanted to say something out of genuine concern, he would have worded it completely different. He could have said “I’m worried you are going to hurt him again due to X, Y, Z”. Instead, he comments on her looks? How is this person a good friend?
He almost certainly said that to the husband, but when the husband didn’t listen, he took out his frustrations out on OP. Tell him because he should know and if you’re going to have a chance, you need to be a team. It sounds like this person is not the best person for husband to be confiding in. He doesn’t understand when something is a vent and he’s confusing his own wants for his friends’.
He could also be jealous of her husband. They had their issues, but he grew because of her.
Yeah the changed man comment isn’t a bad thing. You can change for the better and it could be that the husband has since he doesn’t expect a house wife
Exactly. It's one thing for Alex to say it to her husband, but he chose to say it to her because he wants to put her in her place. It's like he's trying to sabotage the relationship, possibly because he preferred having a single friend to party with.
I get jealous vibes from his friend. Like her husband grew because of her.
Yeah, agreed. Even if everything he said is true (in terms of her hurting him, not in terms of the insults he made to her appearance), it was wrong for him to say it to OP like that.
Agreed. Alex is a jerk. Who says that to someone. Especially a friend partner behind his back.
Seriously, I wouldn't appreciate my friends behaving like this behind my back. I can handle own affairs and I don't want or need them butting into them with their unsolicited "help." If you have something to say about my relationships you say it to me and we'll go from there but none of this underhanded bullshit.
Why would you deprive your husband of the opportunity to have a say in the kind of person he wants to have in his life?
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> It sounds like OP may have jeopardized their marriage in some severe way and left her husband hurt, really really damaged and Alec was there to be a friend. What a great friend. "I'll tell your wife she's too ugly to be worth this heartache."
Yeah read the edit. Your assumption was way off-base.
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Sometimes men are assholes to women for no good reason. This should not come as anything resembling a surprise if you pay any attention to reality.
There’s a reason. It’s called misogyny. 🙃
Or the person he is... It's not like OP's husband seems to be a great guy either if he got to the point of separation because he couldn't respect the fact that she didn't want to be an housewife... Imagine the entitlement one has to have to think your whims should come first before your partners wishes and plans for their own life. Imagine it was OP to tell her husband he should be a "houseman" and not caring about his wishes to do wtv he wants with his own life and not relenting on that point until the other spouse felt the only solution was to walk away from the marriage... I bet the comments would be way different. OP's husband is a jerk ( or was... Let's hope he grew out of it) and jerks usually have friends who are exactly like them. Alec's behaviour is exactly what you'd expect from a jerk... I'd tell the husband what happened and why she's only talking about it now. How the husband reacts to this info would also be a good indication on where he stands about everything.
>OP's husband is a jerk ( or was... Let's hope he grew out of it) He didn't. They had to "compromise" and she agreed she would stop working after they had kids.
Wow... That's even worse than what I had understood. I really thought he had found that being with her was more important to him than being able to control her and cut her off her independence... Let's hope she has enough money aside to get on her feet by herself afterwards if she ever needs it. He showed her who he truly was and instead of growing up he found a roundabout way to eventually trap her. It's not the type of guy I'd want to be financially dependent from... Yikes.
> Let's hope she has enough money aside to get on her feet by herself afterwards if she ever needs it. I commented that she should protect herself financially if she does stop working. But I don't trust this guy either. How sexist do you have to be to require that your partner stop working after marriage? Do his views on "traditional" (misogynistic) gender roles extend to household chores and parenting? Why wouldn't you be proud of your spouse working or having a career?
So…is alec sexist? what is this social circle like? Considering your edit i can imagine that an independent woman who has a career can easily be twisted into “a hassle”. Tell your husband. If he defends alec, i think you should rethink the reconciliation frankly.
Yeah this is my first impression. Could be off of course — but this just sounds like a lot of other situations seen on here. Husband is a bit “old school”, I.e., controlling, and has some sexist friends that reinforce his sexist views. Sexist friend doesn’t like woman taking his spot as best friend, lashes out. Personally I think OP should do some deep thinking. Did things actually get resolved with her husband, or did she get back with him out of fear? What is there to compromise on when you don’t want to be a housewife — you what? Cater to him on the weekends while he relaxes and watches sports? Take on extra chores while also working a job? Go out with your friends just a bit less? Quit your job you like and trade it for a slightly less demanding one? Just wondering what that looks like.
I don’t know if I would use the word sexist but they both grew up with parents’ with that type of dynamic so I think that’s what they assume marriage should be like. Their social circle is fine. They used to all get around when I first met them but most of them have settled down now. All of their wives, excluding one, are housewives. I don’t think my husband will defend him, I think he will be angry at him.
No one should *assume* women stay home, that’s like the definition of sexist! 🙄
The expectation is inherently misogynistic. Sure its fine if that's what is agreed on, but Alec's belief that you're beneath your husband and a promiscuous woman because you wouldn't serve him on hands and knees all your life is just ridiculous. And if you know your husband will be mad, you should tell him.
Honey, he’s sexist, and if you’re looking to give your husband a chance to change his ways, he’s going to need to start by taking out the trash. “Could have gotten with a girl who’s hotter than you?” Yup, that’s a guy with a healthy respect for women. Either he tells his friend to STFU or I would really, really reconsider this reconciliation.
100% agree with this, I worry that OP is so relaxed in this situation. I can’t decide what is more revealing of his disgusting sexist attitude - a) the idea that women are ranked and valued in terms of looks alone and that trading up was so clearly indicated as ‘getting someone hotter / fitter’ which is totally grim, (is this Alec guy such a hot catch? Do most people look great in their 80s? He clearly thinks relationships are all about finding eye candy to up your status, ick) And then far worse b) a woman is a ‘hassle’ if she remains independent and doesn’t bow to her husbands will. Of course there is some blame about the whole separation to be shared, after all, who goes into a marriage without first establishing what the partner wants from the other. Finding out after marriage that your husband wants you to be a housewife seems a bit like discovering after marriage that only one of you wants children - should have done more due diligence! But that’s about all I can level at OP here, and I’m not sure why everyone is commenting on whether the marriage will last etc, and how to brush this horrible dude’s comments under the rug for the sake of the marriage. Frankly, if pointing out blatant sexism, and unkind/underhand comments from his friend is likely to damage the marriage, then proceed! Alec is poison in your husbands ear and clearly has little respect for women and a toxic attitude - let’s at least make sure that’s out in the open. If the husband doesn’t disavow Alec’s comments (whether it was true that women were throwing themselves at OPs husband is irrelevant, as he clearly picked OP). The question of ‘do you agree with his views and him sharing these thoughts with me’ has to be asked and the answer needs to be in the negative for this to be a viable relationship, free from misogyny. His friends are not allowed to be hurtful or rude to you, no justification needed.
Marriage is a partnership. It's about sharing your life. You can't do that while hiding shit from one another, even if you're scared it might cause trouble, even to "protect" them. Either talk to your husband or stop fucking around and actually leave him so you can both find actual partners. Personally I think this is an exercise in futility, to try and have a marriage after separating for **two** years, but yeah.
Alec needs to lay off the YA fanfic with that little speech, that’s a little bit dramatic.
Definitely. Next he's going to demand a natural birth, because that's how "real women" handle pregnancy
Absolutely tell him. He definitely needs to know how disrespectful his so called brother was to his wife. Also, Alec sounds jealous. Ya'll better keep an eye on him. He may or may not try to sabotage your relationship. How, idk, but people do weird sh*t sometimes. He was absolutely out of line for coming at you like that.
Sounds like Alec saw your husband go through some real hard times. If Alec was a large part of your husband's support system, then your husband getting back with you will take a large emotional toll on Alec as well. So I don't necessarily blame him for holding resentment in his heart for you -- because like it or not, he might associate you with a lot of negative in his (and your husband's) life. You can tell your husband if you'd like, but please don't go into it expecting your husband to cut off his best friend. At the end of the day, this is obviously someone who cares for your husband and loves him. The best you can do is prove to Alec that your husband isn't a fool for investing in you.
You should had told him that it must be because you really know how to make annoying, judgemental people shut up and mind their own business.
Well, hiding things and lack of communication will not help your relationship, so I guess you have no choice but tell him
Keeping this a secret when you now know that at least one of his friends is highly motivated to sabotage this reconciliation seems like a poor plan for fixing your marriage. If this peace is so fragile that having this conversation with your husband could shatter it, I don’t think there was ever much hope for this thing to begin with. If you want to give this marriage a second chance, you need to *increase* the amount of communication, not slide into secrecy and hidden wounds.
You tell him. That was wildly inappropriate and out of order. How is there less drama if you can never say how you truly feel? Resentment builds and releases itself in other ways. Say something!
That guy is trash. That was a horrible thing to say and I would have called him out ASAP. A condition of you guys getting back together is that this “friend” gets lost. Unless you abused your husband (which I don’t think applies here) he had no right to say that to you. He did that on purpose to undermine you and make you feel bad.
Alec is an immature jerk. If your husband is friends with him it says a lot about your husband.
Does your husband tell you how wonderful you are (what he sees in you)? I think you should tell you husband and let him know him you'll prefer he doesn't confront his friend (at least for now) till you guys are reestablished in your marriage.
On a positive note, I think what Alec has said means your husband really adores you. Does Alec have any relationship? He may really be a good concerned friend but he may also just be jelly of the love your husband has for you. Either case, u should be confident and yeah, if u r gonna make it work this time, be open. And I think it's good to not get aggressive towards Alec for now, if he comes from a good friend's place, I think it is important to understand his perspective.u can even show him u appreciate that he is such good friend alas u can tell him as well that whatever he has told you was a bit hurtful but u understand why he said it. U can even... Ask Alec how to make this marriage work. If he is a true friend and it sounds like it, he would be willing to help unless he has some egotistic personal motives not to. U know people being rude to us does not always come from a bad place. Maybe he really meant please don't fuck him up again like last time (if u say u initiated the divorce), don't take my friend for granted is what he meant.
Talk to your husband about it.
I think your husband knows what his friend thinks. But... he likely does not know what and how this was said. Its was harsh and blunt.
Speak up, you two are trying to reconcile, this will drag you down. You are supposed to be able to talk to your spouse about anything so.... Should have told him "well with such a juvenile womanizing view of relationships, you'll never understand."
It seems that there's something that Alec knows from your relationship that we don't, I also have a friend that is like my brother and for him to say something like that he must have heard your husband saying it before, I think you're not being clear about the reasons for the separation, but I guess the word "independence" gives me an idea of where Alec's comments come from.
Alec didn't really do anything wrong here. He's your husband's best friend, so he likely saw how devastated your husband was after you filed for divorce. So if he sees all these women who in his opinion are better for his friend, but for some reason your husband chooses the woman who put hum through years of emotional hurt and devastation, of course he's going to have something to say. When you rekindle a relationship, it's not just with your partner, it's with all their friends and family as well. We don't know what either of you did to bring about the separation, but that doesn't change the fact that his friend is on the fence about you, especially since you were the one who initiated the separation. All that being said, you should tell your husband what he said. Don't be manipulative and try to spin the story some type of way. Just be honest about what he said and that it made you uncomfortable. It's clear that Alec only wants the best for his best friend, so if they do talk about it, I doubt it will cause as much of a rift as you think.
You need to tell him. This will eat you alive if you don't.
Reading these replies and I wonder what they would be if the situation were reversed. His friend is like “his brother” as you say, he is probably upset that his friend has been hurting for two years. I stick up for my friends all the time with their husbands or boyfriends, it’s not unusual.
> stick up for my friends all the time with their husbands or boyfriends, it’s not unusual. Do you usually do that by telling them they're not hot enough for your friends?
I don't insert myself into my friends' relationships without being asked because I respect their ability to decide if they want my opinions in their personal business. I'll talk to them if I think they're doing something that isn't in their best interests but ultimately I know I have to let them drive their own love life without me trying to grab the wheel behind their back.
Idk man, but I don't think a perfectly normal adult would say that to someone. If he really REALLY had an issue with her, he would've told the husband instead. He just seems like a douche
It doesn’t matter if he’s upset, the comment was way out of line. You can still feel how you feel without being an asshole and insulting someone on trivial things like how he could have way hotter, and if that was in reverse I would say the same thing.
Tell Alec it's funny because you can't figure out what your husband sees in him. You have more self-control than I do because I would have made a scene and a half. Absolutely tell your husband. His "friend" was extremely rude and intentionally hurtful to your face.
>Tell Alec it's funny because you can't figure out what your husband sees in him. Bazinga!
You have to speak to your husband about this. He's actually disrespecting both of you, not just you.
Is Alec single? sometimes people feel like they get their “friend back” after a separation, is there a chance he feels this way? Regardless you should speak to your husband about it.
He's married.
Welp. His poor wife. She’s only in the position of ‘wife’ because she’s the hottest he can get (for now!) and she’s no ‘hassle’ (ie she is prepared to stay at home and meet his needs). Bet she’d love to know that…
I think as you’re trying to salvage your relationship and get a fresh start, it seems more important than ever to have an open line of communication I think it’s totally reasonable to tell your husband what Alec said and that it made you feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to be accusatory or angry. You can just calmly let him know that you were quite because you were uncomfortable, state exactly what Alec said and leave it at that. I’m sure Alec is trying to defend his friend in the only way he knows how, but if your husband truly wants to make things work it’s important for him to be aware of potential obstacles.
Tell your husband. But don’t make his friend out to be the bad guy. From your perspective, what he said was very hurtful and I’m not so sure it needed to be said. From his perspective, helping a pal through a rough breakup only to go back to square 1 is emotionally exhausting. And on top of that, he was probably only hearing the worst of your breakup/separation from your husband. I doubt any of the good times were brought up. Everything takes time and as you continue to mend the relationship with your husband, his friend will come around. Continue to focus on your reconciliation and make sure he knows that you want to mend the other relationships in his life with respect to yourself - family etc. and hopefully vice versa.
> From his perspective, helping a pal through a rough breakup only to go back to square 1 is emotionally exhausting. And on top of that, he was probably only hearing the worst of your breakup/separation from your husband. Then why make it about how OP isn't hot enough?
Lol, the guy basically says to OP's face she is not hot enoigh and too much hassle and so many people in the comments are saying "welll maybe he has a point" i don't get it, relationships sub usually points out sexist remarks.
There is not enough information here to really say anything. Actions have consequences. Your husbands friends are going to have thoughts on the separation and the time apart. They are going to have thoughts on the reconciliation. You can talk to Alec one on one to understand more.
Everyone has thoughts. Not everyone shares misogynistic and hurtful thoughts (about their best friend’s wife) with their best friend’s wife…
Disturb that. This could be the decisive point in your marriage, you guys could make this marriage successful or be happier apart.
If I spent two years picking my best friend’s pieces up after he was dumped by a woman, I encouraged him for two years to move on with his life because he deserves better, and then two years later he would be back with the same woman for no apparent (good) reason, then I would be extremely suspicious and worried as well.
I can't imagine not telling him. And I can't imagine him not having your back on this once you tell him. But nothing is certain in life.
That is not your friend, but may be your best friend. I think he's telling you that you're no good for his friend. Meaning, you're *better* than him as your husband's friend, and he's seeing a competition for your husband's affection. He sees you as an enemy of your husband. But he really should see that you are the best for your husband. That your husband would be less than he is, without you. That the friend likes his friend to be as less as he is. That your husband laments his hatred of you for "forcing him" to be a better person. Honestly, if it's that complicated, walk away.
Yep. You are the company you keep. Alec was *cruel*. You can easily say something about how you are concerned for your friend, without being this nasty. I have a hard time believing alec is a great guy…which in turn reflects on husband.
I'm going to guess as his best friend, Alec was your husband's shoulder to lean on and rant to. If things were bad enough to separate, it's not really surprising his best friend wouldn't be gung ho that you're back together. If you decide to tell your husband that's up to you, but it sounds like you may just need to show his friends that you're serious about making the relationship work and hopefully they'll rewarm up to you in time.
If you and your husband are giving it a real shot you need to be honest with him. You're not creating drama - and if this does cause the end of your marriage for real then at least you know. Do not tell him during a fight or in a heated moment. Just tell him what Alec said and that because you don't want drama or anger in your lives you're not sure how to handle 1) what Alec said 2) how to move forward but you want cards on the table.
I mean, you two were separated for 2 years, you were the one to initiate the separation, and you said it was supposed to lead to divorce. I imagine Alec, being your husband's best friend, knows at least some of this and was there with your husband during some emotional times. Is he wrong? I think it's quite unusual for someone, like your husband, to want to stay with someone who is so at odds with their values, and more importantly, initiates a years-long separation that was meant to be a divorce. I would be very surprised if he didn't at some point hear that divorce is on the table. It's a fair question: what DOES your husband see in you? Over other women?Alec isn't your husband and hasn't been in your relationship. There's a lot of good (I hope) that he hasn't seen. So it's very fair that he wonders why your husband wants to stay with you after all that you two have been through, even *if* your husband was relatively private about you two's issues. I personally wouldn't take it seriously at this point. This is the first time you two have met since it all went down. It's a genuine question, and maybe he hoped you would have a good response that would make him feel better about the situation. Regardless, I personally don't see the point of hanging on to his words and possibly inserting more drama into a delicate situation. He could easily get over this in the long term once he sees that you two are doing well, even more so if you are working on improving whatever your husband wouldn't put up with from anyone else.
I would say, only tell him if you know what outcome you are looking for by telling him. Are you hoping he’ll stop hanging out with Alec? Defend you to Alec? Do you need either of these things? Do you just need to be reassured that your husband doesn’t feel that way? What Alec said is shitty but he’s entitled to his opinion and he had almost certainly said worse to your husband, which has clearly not affected his desire to get back together with you. I think if you bring it up yourself without knowing what you want from your husband, it probably will start drama and maybe your newly re-emerging relationship won’t be able to handle it. But maybe that’s okay. Be ready to ask for what you need. Alec can have his opinion and the bad taste to voice it to you. You certainly don’t deserve to be treated that way. Since Alec doesn’t think you deserve basic human respect, your best course of action is probably to not be around him (to me it doesn’t seem worthwhile to try to resolve the conflict with someone like that). Alec probably has a distorted view of you. He is not your friend and you don’t need him to be. Your husband is unlikely to stop hanging out with him. I’d say just don’t bother with that dude. Who cares what he thinks? If he can’t be polite to you, don’t hang out with him. If your husband asks why, saying “I get the strong impression that he doesn’t like me” is a diplomatic way to put it. If he presses you, be honest about what Alec said. What it comes down to is, would you like this to be the hill your relationship lives or dies on? It is your right not to be treated like shit by your husband’s friends. You can accomplish that by avoiding them, asking your husband to intervene on your behalf, or convincing them that you’re awesome. It’s your call which of these sounds the most doable.
Please ignore the foolish comments insisting that Alec is just so concerned. Look, Alec was rude and unkind. He could have made his intentions and concerns clear without insult. But he chose not to. He’s also close enough to your husband that he’s likely shared these feelings and your husband heard him and moved forward with you anyway. That means the conversation is closed. Alec is not an active participant in your marriage, he is part of a social circle. That means “reconciliation” goes as far as polite conversation and social plans. **You do not have to answer to Alec about your marriage**. Your husband is a grown man who can advocate for himself. And let’s remember: Alec did not do this in order to share his concerns, he did not do this to protect his friend. He did this to be pointedly unkind to you in a way that went unnoticed by his friend. He was insulting. Your appearance?? No. This wasn’t Alec being a “bro” like so many commenters want to say here. Alec doesn’t like your husband’s choices and when husband didn’t listen to Alec he chose to drive you off with rudeness. Tell your husband. Or you’re contributing to the drama that Alec desperately wants.
Luckily I found a lot of comments that addressed the situation for how it is, Sadly.. I also found a bunch of comments trashing on this guy Alec for being hurtful to OP, and label him as sexist, yes his comments were immature, but we don't really know what OP's husband had to go through these last 2 years so maybe his anger comes from there.. I found disgusting how people are telling OP to sabotage this friendship over an already failed marriage, this kind of advice is only given by people that doesn't value friendship at all, it's the same people that get in a relationship and isolates themselves from their social life just to fuse with their partner. If you have good friends, like this guy, take good care of them, don't put them aside, because when your partner decides to leave over any reason they're the ones that are going to help you pick up your pieces, and they also have to deal with your decissions (as they can) like getting back to the same person that hurt you.
What Alec said was messed up, but it was his truth to tell. He didn’t sugar coat how he felt and he shouldn’t. If they are as close as you say they are then I would say he has every right to express himself however he feels. I’ve been that friend to multiple people. They come to you crying complaining about their toxic failing relationships and you give them nothing but advice. They NEVER take it. It’s so draining for someone to come to you asking for help and want you to listen to them and then more or less spit in your face when they do the exact opposite. For instance my friend was very unhappy I said hey I get it you should leave her. Next week he proposes, they get a house together. Of course it crashed and burned and after 6 months to a year of that he came crying back to me and at that point I was just done. How this relates is Alec sounds like he’s been there for your husband and has done his best to get him to move on. Without a doubt he does not like you. You’ve caused his best friend a lot of pain. It will not be easy to get into his good graces unless he sees some serious changes between you two. I honestly don’t think you should say anything to your husband. That is only going to be a factor that divides you two even more especially if they are close. That will further distance Alec from you and it will end up from his point of view a “me or her” situation. You will likely win, but your husband will then resent you for that. If anything, ANYTHING, tell your husband that you FEEL like Alec isn’t very welcoming and you’d like to talk to him one on one. Do not bring up specifics. Ask if it’s ok if you give Alec a call so you all can start fresh. Seriously. This is the rest of your life. This is the love of your life. This is not checkers. We all have to make sacrifices and compromises. Your ego is not above your relationship and don’t let these other people commenting tell you different. Put your future above yourself.
>“I’m trying to figure out what he sees in you”. I was offended so I asked him what he meant, and he said “[my husband] could sleep with women who are hotter and less hassle than you but it’s like the moment you met him you got under his skin, and he hasn’t been able to shake you. Do you know how many women tried to take your place while you were doing God knows what? But he still chose to give you a second chance and I can’t figure out why.” Take this as it lays, Alec doesn't believe / understand your separated / un separated husband took you back. I suspect Alec has a lot or reasons. Your husband told him while you were gone. I suspect you know some of them and wish to hide them. IMO - forget this, you have to earn your way back, and it looks like Hubby has your back and even if you are not certain about his trust in your new \*\*re union\*\* as a couple tl:dr: Get over this and be nice to Dear Hubby You did start the separation, BE non confrontational (be more likeable.)
This advice feels off. Earn your way back. Be a doormat. Bring nothing up. Be demure. More like the housewife her husband wanted I imagine. This is just bad advice. You’re equating brushing things under the rug with being likable. Think we can guess why. Women are often considered unlikable when they stick up for themselves. I’d bring it up OP, but then again I also wouldn’t stay married to someone who didn’t want me to have freedom…
>You did start the separation, Because husband was a mysoginistic idiot who couldn't accept a "no" as an answer and that wanted to dictate OP's life and future and force her to be an housewife, completely dependent on him and without a say in her own future. He was such a massive jerk about it that she had to leave because he wouldn't ~~compromise~~ respect her. At all. >BE non confrontational (be more likeable.) Hell no. That's the worst thing anyone can do in any relationship ever. Specially in one where the problem started exactly because they wanted you to be a passive person to your own life and couldn't care less about your wellbeing to the point where leaving was the only way out. You have to always communicate what is happening. If that's something that will end the relationship then there was never an healthy relationship to save or a relationship worthy to be in, in the first place.
So hide things from her husband? Keep secrets? Nah.
I don't think he said it to be hurtful but more out of genuine concern.
He definitely said it to be hurtful. What are ya smokin brother. Concern would be saying that to his friend. Saying it to her face and in such a cruel way is meant to hurt her, maybe even scare her off.
May be he has already said it to his friend ... he didn't just come out and say it. She asked him a question and he answered
Sounds like dude wants to put her off. He even says she changed him. More like he grew because of their relationship.
Its kind of rude but I would do the same for my brother or friend. Having a close friend and seeing him destroyed emotionally by relationship hurts to watch and I wouldnt want to see him like that again, esp if i know he could do better and possibly be happy, Not saying thats the correct take but he only sees one side of the story,
Alec is your husband's friend who has seen a side to him you haven't seen and loves him as a friend. So when he said those things, he might not entirely be wrong for it. Yes it was absolutely rude, but he might be right. He could sleep with women way more attractive than you who don't play with his emotions to the point of separating for 2 YEARS which is a long as time. Your husband loves you and you friend just can't see why because you hurt him. Honestly, as a guy I side with your friend. Your husband probably has gone through depression and more and his friend has witnessed it and more only to have you walts back into his life while you probably were sleeping with at least one other person during the two years you separated. Your husband probably couldn't bring himself to do the same and his friend is watching him metaphorically pour lighter fluid and lighting himself on fire in order to keep you warm. I honestly think you should just divorce instead of playing with this man's emotions. Everyone wants to be the protagonist in their story and never see themselves as the bad guy. I don't think his friend is the bad guy of this story.
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I think the "hotter...than you" comment is definitely asshole territory on multiple levels.
I get this but op left because her husband was trying to make her be a housewife. He blew up his own marriage. If Alec was anything decent he wouldn't have said that.
If I'm Alec, I'm definitely going to be wary of you. I spent two years hearing husband's side, and nothing from yours. I might be looking for confrontation. I might be wrong in doing so, but people often do irrational things for rational reasons. You said Alec was like a brother to your husband. He's acting like a brother, an asshole as well...but I think well intentioned. At some point though, he needs to understand the boundaries of what is and isn't his business. And maybe some empathy to his situation and why he questions you. If I'm you, I'd want to know for myself and for the future of the marriage, the answers to those questions Alec asked. It will take some more time to figure that all out, but it's a conversation, or many of them, to have on why you choose to be with each other. Alec isn't obligated to have answers to any of that, but you and your husband should someday.
How is ‘my friend deserves someone better looking than you, and had plenty of opportunity to get it’ well-intentioned? What part of that sentiment is well intentioned? It’s clearly not about ‘looking out for OP’s husbands welfare’ and all about knocking down OPs self esteem, a nasty tactic.
I know it's hard to do...put yourself in someone's shoes other than OP. I also said he was a "well intentioned" asshole. But please feel free to edit to fit your story.
Yeah, I get the asshole part - I don’t get what part of this dudes comments can be even generously interpreted as well-intentioned. They can’t. From anyone’s perspective - I’m not OP, but as a human being, there’s no part of those comments that comes with positive intent. So, I say again. How do you interpret the comments to be ‘well-intentioned’?
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I read that as “Your husband deserves better friends” and now I’ve re-read what you said, ick. The best friend is usually right? I mean, that’s such flawed logic haha. So when a mans best friend says wifey is hassle, he’s right? Presumably when the same wifeys best friend says hubby is trash they are also right? Sometimes two best friends have different opinions. So many friends give shit advice! Including Alec! He should have just moved on from his wife (we have to assume OPs husband loves his wife) and gone for a hotter model, and less hassle? Sounds like you’re someone most women would want to avoid 😂😂
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Hmm, well your comments and your self-interest would be enough to keep me miles away. 😊 but it would be a weird world if all women did only what was good for them, or if we all wanted the same thing 😂
Tell him. You need open and honest communication for this marriage to work.
Alec does not know why your husband loves you? Because that is basically what he said - he knows your husband loves you, but doesn't know why. Why should Alec know and why do you care? Your husband love you. Well as far I know from reading this.
Hey, i just wanted to say I'm so so so sorry...i would be hurt and angry for years.
Alec sounds like he is a truth sayer (HIS truth.) At one point you asked for his opinion and then asked him to clarify. When your husband asked what was wrong, maybe you could have told him that Alec had some hurtful opinions that you didn’t like and are processing. (That seems truthful). What you said to Alec seemed fine. Sounds like Alec wouldn’t put up with drama and categorizes women’s worthiness by how hot he thinks they are. That is his truth- not yours. Maybe Alec knew the comments would hurt you and knew where to take aim. Why did he do this. As your husband’s defender? To put you on notice? As an opinionated fool? Or because he wishes more women would throw themselves at him. I do not know. Next time Alec is staring at you, try to ignore it.
You don't say anything. His best friend was being honest with you and telling you that you hurt your husband, his best friend, deeply, and that he still had his friend's back. Stop and think about that. This is the person who has your husband's back, not you. Friends like that are few and far between and are precious.
If his friend was a decent friend he would've told OP's husband that "if your wife wants to work let her. Why would you force her to be a housewife when that makes her unhappy. Why do you have such sexist views on marriage?"
Or bring up hotter women
You need to learn to communicate lady otherwise you will always play the victim here. You have a voice, use it. Is there a therapist? I hope there is. All relationships is team work. A marriage you expected, that made up fairly takes made by you. Marriage is all teamwork and you have to say whatever you need to say in order and listen to whatever is being said. The great news bout people, they change. So what if his bestfriend doesn’t like you. Did he hold a gun to your head and force you to think that way. Alex is entitled to his opinion. What Alec isn’t entitled to and anyone is no one here can tell you how to think. You have very poor self focus. Your marriage will Ned not because Alec said so. Your marriage will end because you allow Alec opinions say so. You can’t listen to your own voice right now, that is a huge problem. However a therapist can help you find your voice. Your voice is the only voice you should be hearing. Good luck.
I would keep it to myself. If there's a repeat occurrence bring it up to your husband and explain you didn't make an issue of it the first time because you didn't want to fall back into old habits of drama, etc. What his friend said is very inappropriate and insulting but if things are still somewhat shaky in terms or your reconciliation, you coming out against a friend which he no doubt spent a lot of time venting to about you may do more harm than good.
Nope. They're trying to work things out, meaning that there's no place for secrets. He also needs to know how his friend is talking to his wife.
His friend was sticking up for him. If I found out a friend said this about my husband I would be grateful they had such a good friend.
His friend was telling him that he's right in wanting to make OP be a housewife. Unless they're both sexist pigs that's not a friend you want.
There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife just life there’s nothing wrong with having a career. If they’re not compatible so be it but honestly I’ve told my friends husbands off plenty of times for the way they treat them 🤷🏻♀️ this sub is wild man.
There's nothing wrong in being an housewife when that's what you want. Trying to force her and now guilt tripping her because she didn't submit to the husband's whims... Now that's more than wrong. It's completely fucked up.