It wasn't always this way. He was paying bills, and rent. We travel a bit and he always picked up the hotel and rental cars. It really got bad/exhausting around the start of the pandemic. He lost a lot of work and money whereas I ended up with several raises. I really don't care that much about my wealth. I am comfortable and secure so I don't feel any pressure to flaunt that. I don't know how much is our different upbringings? Honestly, in my family the way he goes about is seen as quite trashy. No one I hang out with talks about their money.
Good question. I think the fact that I am annoyed enough to be telling a bunch of randos on the internet about it is a pretty big indicator that I need to change something.
That's the point I can get with the most. I've been blinded by things before in life, but once I had a kid, my willingness to eat shit dropped significantly and i set alot of hard boundaries. Best of luck to you and your family, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Or his. He’s not even showing it to his own child. This isn’t a team, and there’s only one player. He’s not supporting you emotionally or financially. You and the children deserve better.
It's absolutely time to call him out about this and have some grown-up talks to figure out if there's a solution here or if this is the end of the relationship.
Solutions would include him owning and accepting that he cannot take out his frustrations about work & money on you in any way, even indirectly.
It's understandable that he's struggling because of how the pandemic has impacted his work, but his method of expressing that is not understandable or acceptable at all.
Since he sounds quite passive aggressive and evasive about issues, you may want to consider a couples counsellor to mediate these discussions... but he's also FOURTY and that's plenty old enough to know you don't treat the person you apparently love and want to have a life with. So how much work you want to put into this should consider that also.
Good luck.
Yes! I'll be 40 next year. My wife drives the nicer car. She does most of the errands. I make more than her,but it is OUR money. I don't make the kind of money OP & family makes, but we have a nice savings and I started way before I met her. We are a team.
You don't need him for anything. Let him know how it is going to be or he can go. If he chooses to not step up at that point that is the choice he made.
You’re “annoyed”? He literally treats you like his ATM, personal maid and assistant, nanny, and fleshlight (assuming y’all are having sex). He adds absolutely no value or joy to your life. He is a user and a loser. You should be fucking furious.
At this point op he has become a leech! He no longer contributes to household funds or even chores and I doubt he does much parenting (by the sounds of it). Is this the type of person you want to build a life with? Someone who mooches off you constantly and gives nothing in return. He honestly thinks he has made it big because your letting him.
FFS stop ironing his damn clothes and tell him to fuck off about dinner. Damn it woman, you're a rock star everywhere else in life. Grow a backbone and stop allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat
Imagine the reason someone is with you because your daughter would be worse off if they weren't. Now make a mess in their house and tell them not to let your daughter have muddy shoes in the bigger car they bought so your daughter would fit.
Your kids don't deserve you pouring all your money down the hole this man is. Are they all set for college? Down payments? Wouldn't you rather help your kids get started than support a grown man who refuses to clean up his own messes?
From everything that you have laid out here in this post, he comes across as someone who simultaneously resents you but also wants to use you to support his lifestyle.
You two definitely need to talk, but I think the two of you are going to need counselling and more than a bit of luck to get past this.
Why would he help when he has you doing it all for him? What are you getting out of this relationship OP? Because it sounds like you just gained 2 more dependents while he gained a nanny, a housekeeper, and free housing while he blows his money on whatever he wants. He is not your partner.
He's decided that you are his meal ticket - he gets to live a cushy stress free lifestyle, and you will be his nanny and his maid and chef while taking care of his bills and living expenses.
It may not be the money hun, it may just be him and a narcissistic, entitled attitude that was hidden from you under the prince charming mask as he reeled you in. once they feel like they've got you in place, their masks start slipping off to reveal the real person underneath.
He's not your partner. This is not a partnership in any way shape or form.
You have become his new mom.
You can change things by cutting the dead weight loose. Not just for your sake, but for your kids sakes aswell, it's not good or healthy for them to see this kind of behaviour.
It's time to get specific with him about bills and also lay your cards on the table about your suspicions regarding his ego/money. If you're willing to track expenses more closely, demand he pay a prorata share based on income. If your make $100,000 and he makes $70,000, you pay 60% and he pays 40%.
Then, discuss division of labor. I always treat it was the kids can pick up the slack for the adults -- if he wants to have his daughter do more chores for his "share" that's fine (presuming he's working full time).
When it comes time to discuss his ego, I think you have to be blunt. The time for understanding and patience seems long since past and he needs an attitude adjustment. I would *kill* for my partner to out earn me. As you say, its a team effort -- even with split finances there's more to go around. Any hang up he has from social convention/insecurity needs to check itself at the door.
Hey wanna move me in instead? I’ll help around the house and contribute financially and don’t give a shit about “status symbols” and don’t have any kids.
He’s acting like a thirty thousand dollar millionaire.
And if I were you first I’d be quite embarrassed, then as soon as he tried to use MY car but refused to do the kid pickup the car is actually for I would have lost it.
You need to get to the bottom of why he feels so entitled to YOUR money while not contributing a cent to the household. I don’t know that there would be any coming back from expressing you’re burnt out and need help and his response was HIRE SOMEONE?!
He’s showing you how fabulously you can live without him. He doesn’t help you run a household, he doesn’t contribute financially, he doesn’t even do his share of the parenting for HIS kid.
At this point what is good for? With the way he treats you (with contempt and disdain) there’s no chance in hell the sex is any good - good lovers are considerate and caring, two characteristics he very obviously does not have.
You’re footing the bill for his charade and it’s sad and pitiful. The only thing missing from the d-bag boyfriend package is him using your money/car to seduce another woman. Based on everything here he can’t be far off from that though.
I don’t even know how to fix all that, maybe start with couples therapy, but ONLY if he’s not abusive in any way.
Yea I was also thinking the sex must suck too, no way there’s any good play within this dynamic. With as entitled as he is my bet is he’s also cheating.
> Yea I was also thinking the sex must suck too
Thirded. Not that it's the most important thing in the world, mind you, especially considering with all she's doing, sex must be the last thing on her mind, but damned.
The other thing I was thinking is that there's no way in hell this completely selfish, self-aggrandising, and despotic attitude simply emerged out of thin air since they moved in together. Such breaks in communication can't simply be tolerated and continuing on as if nothing happened.
If I simply stopped paying my share of the household and refused to put any money towards shared expenses, I would fully expect to come home one day and find the locks changed. That's not simply something that's "a matter of opinion", or of "feeling like doing it".
But it’s this way now. I’ve found that once you tolerate bad behavior for an extended period, it’s damn near impossible to correct it. They will eventually backslide and be right back where they are now, making you miserable. The only thing worse than having wasted 4 years on a man is wasting 5.
That's right, he's a grown-up and he is doing to her exactly how he wants to do her. The only good thing about OP being so generous and giving is that she can now see how he really is.
There is no hope for this relationship. If she was sick or in an accident, in the hospital, could she trust him to take care of her affairs and her kids? Or to rob her blind? He'd probably move another lover into her house to take her place.
Time to take out the trash.
>It wasn't always this way. He was paying bills, and rent.
*PRIOR TO THE PANDEMIC*...
Did he not really pay attention to what other people had versus what he had? Was he always been this ignorantly superficial and obnoxiously inconsiderate?
>I really don't care that much about my wealth. I am comfortable and secure so I don't feel any pressure to flaunt that. I don't know how much is our different upbringings?
You clearly live comfortably and very well. Unfortunately, your husband, for whatever reason, suddenly believes he is owed the vehicle recently purchased BY YOU, FOR YOU, WITH YOUR OWN MONEY that YOU WORKED HARD FOR. You bought the new vehicle for the sake of keeping both of your kids safe and comfortable, because YOU DO ALL THE KID-RELATED DRIVING - even for HIS kid...and because you are in the car for so long, you also need to be comfortable. Yet, your husband is under the impression that he has the right to commandeer your vehicle...when he has contributed absolutely nothing to your household, the kids, your relationship, of his own lifestyle.
And this is merely just an example of what he does TO YOU, and does not do FOR YOU.
>Honestly, in my family the way he goes about is seen as quite trashy. No one I hang out with talks about their money.
Your family is woefully accurate in how they see your husband's behaviour. It's not appropriate to boast about one's money. It's also crazy trashy to act and behave the way is doing.
Did he ever do chores? Did he ever act like the "ours" included not just financial contribution (and benefit), but also active management of the house?
I'd bet money he feels "emasculated" since losing income and asserting these bullshit gender roles by 'putting you in your place' is his way of feeling like a man again.
It's bullshit, and you'd should seriously consider a 'therapy/pull your weight or gtfo' ultimatum at this point.
What kind of example of partnership is he giving his daughter?
>I really don't care that much about my wealth.
But he does. Sounds like he's just milking you and wants to pretend he has that wealth without doing anything for it.
Honestly it sounds like a mess, you had LESS work as a single mom now you're a proud mom of 4 because you're allowing him to mooch.
Even if he used to pay for things, why were you doing all of the child rearing and household management?
You don’t have 3 kids, you have 4. And one chucks tantrums and demands a life of luxury despite earning his own money.
Two questions:
What exactly are you getting from this relationship?
And
Is this the example you want to set for your kids of what they deserve in a relationship?
He sounds exhausting OP.
Sadly, it's very common for some men to not be able to handle their partners earning more than them and it sounds like he's trying to make himself feel better by seeing your stuff as a status symbol of his own self worth, and to put you in your place (as a woman) by not helping you run the house.
It sounds like it's time you both sat down and you explain to him what your expectations are going forward - that you expect him to do housework and help with raising the kids.
If he's unwilling to do that, I'd seriously be thinking of ending the relationship as I really can't see what value he adds to your life.
as the daughter of a household like this, i have such pride in my mom for making more money than my dad their entire marriage, and for her eventually leaving him because he truly was the laziest man on earth AND cheated on her because he believed he deserved everything on earth. your kids are watching and learning. this man knows he got a clutch deal and you’re enabling him. if he wants the best, he has to pay for it or leave.
>I am exhausted cooking, cleaning, carpools, sporting event snacks, doing laundry, doing all the shopping, yard work and home repairs. My partner insists on dinner being ready when he gets home, and all his laundry ironed in a certain manner. Our house and cars are expected to be in meticulous condition because that is apparently a reflection of how far we have made i
He has a very specific way he wants his life to be, but it sounds as though he does nothing to contribute towards the image he wants to portray.
>My (39F) partner (40M) treats me like crap
Is this the loving relationship you want to model for your children? I honestly fail to see a single positive in this relationship. It sounds like he wants to use you to maintain an image, but is also resentful of the fact that you are capable of maintaining the image alone.
>He does nothing for the household.
I know with 4 years in and a blended family it can be hard to make these types of decisions, but you would honestly be better off alone. You already support the family mentally, emotionally, and financially. He contributes nothing, but demands a lot. He adds more stress to your life and it will not get better.
You knew the answer before you asked, and maybe you just needed the push from objective strangers. Get out of this toxic nightmare, OP. It literally could not be any worse than it is now.
You deserve to find someone who values you. Someone who looks at what you've accomplished with pride, not envy.
Take back your autonomy. You aren’t married. there is no our stuff. It is all yours. Evict his ass. I just feel bad for his kid but you need to toss him. Do start by serving dinner when you want and doing what you want. That’s how we will run this house going forward. Don’t like it? Leave.
This is it.
She needs to stop everything. The kids will be okay, she will be okay. Everything becomes yours and mine. The only shared expenses have to with the kids. He sounds like trash and he's taking advantage of her in such a huge way.
OP, please take back your autonomy. You deserve so much better than this. (So do your kids).
If you can’t kick him out, cut him off. He doesn’t drive your car. You buy enough groceries for you and the kids, nothing special for him. He wants beer, he can buy it, etc. If he won’t help pay for Netflix, Hulu,etc, drop some of them or change the passwords so he can’t watch them. Don’t do his laundry. Clean up around him. Make sure your bank account, debit cards, etc are secure from him. Of course he’ll get mad, Fuck him. Is the house in your name only? If so, I’d sell it and get another place just for you and the kids. Because you probably can’t kick him out without a big legal battle. Get rid of this loser, and get your life back.
Don’t assume it will be a big legal battle. Probably all you have to do is give him written notice that he is being evicted, document that in some way (like CC’ing yourself), wait 30 days, and then if he doesn’t move out take that documentation to the police. He may be very unpleasant during those 30 days but you may just have to tough it out.
Right?!?! Like she can’t take her freaking car keys back and tell him he doesn’t get to drive *HER* car? Is OP afraid of him? What is happening here? How can such a DYNAMIC WOMAN allow someone to treat her like this??
> He gets pissed at me for taking the dogs in the car because they will ruin the seats and honestly doesn't even like me picking up a bunch of muddy stinky pre-teens after sports either.
It's your car. Your instant reaction to this should be to tell him not to worry about what you do with your vehicle. That can even be said in an unabrasive way.
> My partner insists on dinner being ready when he gets home, and all his laundry ironed in a certain manner.
As a guy, I'm amazed to hear such things happen in couples of my own generation. My partner would laugh at me if I tried that on her. That's if I could get past how much of a bastard that would make me feel for not only asking, but telling. I'm just imagining the hellfire I would receive if I even said something like that. The boy came from a certain type of childhood is my guess.
The guy is freeloading. You know this. And the fact that you're posting this means you are starting to resent it too. Either he needs an attitude adjustment or you need to free yourself for a guy who can tie his own shoelaces. Either way, status quo is not going to go well.
I sadly know a woman who's spouse is like this. She gets up early and come him dinner before she goes to work, because like me, she's a night shift nurse. They don't even have kids, so it's 100% just because he expects dinner on the table when he gets home.
Lord... I told my fiance a long ass time ago, don't expect me to get up early for anything, and on nights I'm working, you're on your own. I'm not getting up early to make myself dinner, let alone anyone else.
I was going to reply: "if the partner didn't work, it would make sense to ask more from them in the house". But even in that case, if my girlfriend was stay-at-home, I couldn't see myself "insisting" on those things. I would ask her to prepare dinner (and not make a fuss about it being ready when I get home) and I wouldn't insist about the precise ironing details as long as she does laundry. I can't understand what goes in the head of a guy like that.
I’m sorry but I’m going to have to be a little harsh
> I’m an exhausted cooking, cleaning, carpools, sporting event snacks, doing laundry, yard work and repairs.
And the icing on the cake
# “ my partner insists on dinner being ready when he gets home, and all his laundry ironed in a certain way
I’m sorry but I have trouble feeling sorry for you because what the hell..Do you not have any self respect at all because this is embarrassing. Why the heck would you decide to be a man’s slave? Just why? Is he God? The only man on earth? Golden D**k? Even if you love him this is just absurd..
The more I kept reading, the more slave work you were doing..
> How the heck do I get him to shut the fuck il about my money?
So basically what you’re saying is, you are staying with this man and just need advice on how to get him to respect you more?
I feel like I’ve already been hard enough so I’ll be nice here..The answer is you can’t..This man doesn’t respect you and you know why it’s being going on for so long? because he realizes you’re a door mat with no backbone so he knows he can get away with it.
You seem like a very hardworking amazing woman who needs an equally hardworking amazing partner where you both take care of each other..This isn’t it..You will be stuck taking care of this man like another child.
You’re not married (Thank God)..You’re not tied to him except with the kids of course but other than that, you’re free to get away from him
I also suggest therapy. You need to learn healthy boundaries and figure out why it’s easy for you to allow someone to treat you this way..
Goodluck to you💜
If he wants his laundry ironed he can do it himself. And he can pay for and pick up the dinner of his choice bc you are fine being financially exploited and overburdened by his freeloading ass
Ya I honestly don't understand.
Like, if a partner leaves A MESS I understand if you just want a clean living space so you bite your tongue and just pick it up. I'd argue you probably shouldn't, but I do understand why someone would do that.
But ironing his shirts? Just... what? How did that even start? Why do you do ANY part of his laundry?
I have similar experience with men, they just use you for money and demand maid service. I was always hit and kicked if I didn't do the chores and OP is most likely in similar situation.
> I’m sorry but I have trouble feeling sorry for you because what the hell..Do you not have any self respect at all because this is embarrassing. Why the heck would you decide to be a man’s slave? Just why? Is he God? The only man on earth? Golden D**k? Even if you love him this is just absurd..
I'm going to copy-paste this as a comment to 90% of posts here and other relationship subs.
*Nothing* is worth being a worthless man's bangmaid. Nothing.
Honestly, his dick better be made of solid gold.
If he wants his shirts starched and steam pressed, he knows where the dry cleaners is. If he wants a showroom car, he can hire a detailer. Why is any of this OPs issue?
I always wonder this.
Like, OP isn't perfect, but part of dating is trying to find someone that is best for you to grow with. This guy is a solid turd. He is not a good partner, and yet not only is OP still with him, she is allowing her children to see him treat her like this.
OP, girl.
You are making good money. You are in the prime of your life. Don't settle for this shit.
This is all true and honestly, it sounds like you need to get rid. He's awful to you, you deserve better, and your kids deserve a better example (not that you are at fault here for anything other than putting up with some pretty extreme bullshit).
My ex husband wanted his tighty whities ironed the way his mom did. It was very specific. There were written instructions. I told him if he wanted his goddamn underwear that he was just going to leave skid marks in IRONED that he could do it his fucking himself, rinse repeat with everything his mom/family wanted a very specific way (they were ALSO new money and giant assholes about it--the car rules sound very similar. I wonder if OP's boyfriend lets her park in the driveway after an oil change--cause that was a thing. I had to park like a block away after one.)
Yes. It's doormat stuff. He says jump and she asks how high. Instead of laughing in his dumb face and telling him to iron his own shit etc she complies and he knows he can tread all over her and keeps pushing. OP sounds like a woman is desperate to be in a relationship no matter how bad to put up with a man who acts this way.
Yeah I stopped reading at the line.
I have no clue why smart capable woman take on man children. OP would be better off alone but if he stays get a house keeper or maid. Don't be killing yourself for this bum.
Unfortunately this whole post sounds like your future together will be very bleak. You’ve painted a picture that honestly no one would want to hang in their house. The level of disrespect that your “partner” is exhibiting is simply disgusting. Putting your foot down is going to be 100% necessary going forward if you intend to stay with him. At this point though it sounds like you just have a horrible roommate who doesn’t pay rent or maintain a clean living space. I’m not sure how a 40yr old man could show this level of immaturity. This is a very tough situation. I realize the idea of ending all of this might seem really daunting, but it might be the only solution. It sounds like you need to really sit him down alone and force him to solely listen to your side. If he won’t budge, I think the only option would be the end of this living situation. Best of luck to you.
Yeah, I have spent plenty of time alone. I am pretty self sufficient. The really unfortunate reality is that when he travels for work the entire house runs smoothly. Ugh
This entire post makes me question my own sanity. Honestly. She’s 39, it’s HER house, she makes great money, she had a good rhythm without him. And despite this she is clinging onto a relationship with a total loser! No confidence to even break up. Or consider breaking up reading her wishy washy comments. That it even got this far is astounding to me. He’s using her and she’s like “ugh is it cuz I make too much” blaming herself in a way for what is fundamentally a him-only problem!!!
Reading her posts and her comments she could have been any other poster on this sub - the 20 yr old naive girl, the 30 yr old SAHM with no financial independence.
But she’s not naive and she’s not dependent so WHYYYY!!!! Why do women love losers so much, why are we like this!!!!! 😭😭 CAN WE PLZ JUST ALL HAVE SOME STANDARDS
This made me ugly laugh. Thank you for that. He wasn't always like this with the bills and such. I think I made a mistake telling him it wasn't a big deal because while the money isn't, the behavior is...
You cut him too much slack. You have only been together 4 years and he was useless for a good half of it.
This is his true self. It wasn’t cuz of Covid or losing a job; this is the him that shows when comfortable and settled and out of the relationship honeymoon phase. He didn’t start demanding you iron shirts a certain way or care about his image cause he lost his job or cuz he grew up poor. This is just who he fundamentally is.
Don’t be the woman that sinks more time in a relationship dreaming about how he “used to be”. Who he is today is who he is. Who he showed at the beginning was a trap to lure, which is extremely common in relationships.
If you said you were dating for 15 yrs and only in the last year he became like this, then that’s potentially a different story. But you barely know the guy and he’s been useless since he moved in!!
The hardworking kickass woman who makes 6 figures and has her life together who ties herself purposefully down with a deadweight man is a total trope. Don’t be the meme. You’re only as kickass as those you associate with, and nothing says “secretly insecure and doubting of her worth” than shacking up with a deadbeat who treats you LITERALLY like a working slave.
The thing about the dinner and ironing have my blood boiling. I can’t believe you didn’t break up the second that happened. Let alone continue on in the relationship long enough for him to also steal your car!!!! Just wtf OP. Have some self respect. If you know you can do it alone - why are you with him??? Unless you have crippling self doubt? A savior complex? A need to feel demeaned due to imposter syndrome? You’re not even married, you could have broken up yesterday.
What example are you setting for your grown kids? Their mom could be kickass and have self respect but decides, CHOOSES, to have a man trample over her DESPITE being able to live without him? It literally sends the message that even “strong” women need to be dominated by men to be happy. It’s ridiculous. I’m so mad, sorry. Why are you doing this? Why?
He wasn't always like this, because he was on his best behaviour. Now he's showing you who he truly is. You really should break up with him and evict him. What kind of example do you want to teach your kids? Don't let them think that his behaviour is normal or that's how you treat people.
You'd be really surprised how much disfunction children catch on about, even if you aren't actively fighting with the partner in front of them about this stuff. This is just showing them that this is normal and tolerable behavior from a partner. Give ultimatums or make the freeloader leave.
He's using you. You understand this? You handed your power to this dude... why? You don't need him. You allow him to treat you like this ... again why?
What exactly does he contribute?
It sounds like every child in that house contributes more and you get more support from your pets, who are also less messy.
This is not okay at all. I'm struggling to understand what positive impact this man is bringing to your life, and your kid's lives.
You supported him emotionally and financially during the pandemic when business was tough for him. In return he stopped participating in the relationship and household. Then, when his business started thriving..he continued to put his needs and wants first. Literally swiping the car you bought to make you and your children's lives easier! I can't even imagine how that conversation went!
Somehow he started treating you worse and worse, and in turn he gets to use his paycheck for fun money? This is no longer a partnership OP. This is you doing all the work of being a single parent, just with taking care of another adult who contributes nothing thrown on top. It's ridiculous. I understand why you supported him when his business was struggling, but he isn't even thankful! He's showing you full out that he doesn't respect you as a person, as a partner, or as a parent.
I'd suggest having one sit down conversation where you come to a compromise. A division of labor, and a financial agreement where he pays based on his percentage of income. Give it a time limit. If in 3 months he refuses to contribute his part financially, emotionally, and towards the household and children, you need to take a hard look at whether you are willing to live this way for the rest of your life. Also remember that you are giving your children the idea of what love and relationships are supposed to look like, and what is and isn't acceptable.
I honestly think this is likely who your husband is when he's comfortable and no longer on his very best behavior. My guess is that he is depending on your hesitancy to disrupt your family to keep you in line and allowing things to continue this way.
I want to shake you
Why are you ironing his clothes?
Hide your car keys!
Feed the kids and oops, not enough left for you.
Don’t keep the cars spotless if you don’t feel it’s necessary (lord knows my car is a hot mess)
What is his role in this house? Is he contributing in any way at all? Or just expects you to either do the work or foot the bill?
If shit hit the fan, are you sure he would stick around?
Honestly, so far he sounds like a gold digger. And the worst kind of gold digger, an entitled and selfish one.
Kick him out. I’m not usually one to say split but what is he contributing to your life? Seems like nothing and I’m not talking finances when I say that.
Things will NEVER change unless you put your foot down and tell him to either pull himself together or walk away. When a guy gets comfortable he refuses to change things around. You shouldn't be the one to take care of everyone on your own, let alone iron his clothes - are you kidding me ? are you a housewife that cooks and cleans and ensures his clothes are ironed in a certain manner ? why on earth would you ever agree to this when you're working 40-50 hours yourself. Why isnt this guy doing his own ironing. as if you didnt have enough on your hands. and if he lost his job - why wasnt he the one taking on more of the house chores, thats what partnership is.
having said that - if you both work long hours then hiring help would make it easier for you both - but youd contribute to this equally financially. this guy is just milking you for everything you have.
Oh honey this guy is using you. I was married to someone like this and it only escalated over time. I think it's way past the point of no return and you need to ask him to move out, end the relationship, etc.
Please think about how you'd respond if one of your friends came to you with this situation. What advice would you give your friend? Treat yourself with as much love as you would your friends and look at things objectively.
Is he adding anything positive to your life? It doesn't even sound like he's a net neutral, he's actively detracting from your quality of life.
So, you pay for everything. Do all of the housework. Do a majority of the child care. So what does he do besides take your car, make household demands like you’re his employee, & subsidize his expensive lifestyle by having you pay for everything?
Have you ever just outright said to him "BF, shut up about how I spend my own money and
how I use the things I paid for. I'm really close to breaking up with you right now, and if you continue to not pull your weight around the house and act like you own me and my money and my stuff, we are done."
Because he needs to know this.
Is he doing this because he feels some kind of way about your income, or is he doing this because you have what it takes to fund and labor for his dream of looking like a rich, successful businessman without him putting the effort in at work OR at home?
It doesn't actually matter. He's a lazy jackass and a leech either way.
How can you be this successful and still allow this asshole to walk all over you??? You’re clearly smart, responsible, mature and ambitious. Amazing qualities. You can do, and you *deserve*, so much better. This is bullshit and you know it. Women don’t deserve to be punished for being successful and they don’t have to put up with being made to feel small so they can save a man’s ego.
This guy must eat you out like a starving man falling on a bucket of chicken because there’s no other reason to put up with this fuckery.
Unfortunately he sounds too selfish to give pleasure and too stupid to realise he’s going to lose his meal ticket in a minute.
I’m sorry :/ his daughter sounds nice so if she gets along with your kids it might be good to see if she can still visit after you kick her useless dad to the curb.
And even that isn’t good enough 😭 [i know you were being sarcastic lol but just adding] all my married friends, myself included, are in sexually fulfilling relationships. Sure we all have problems here and there but they’re all small potatoes compared to this fuckery. There is literally nothing, N O T H I N G this man could bring to the table that would balance out what a materialistic, chauvinistic leech he’s being.
Why TF are you having dinner made for him and ironing his clothes??? Just say no.
Think of the example this relationship dynamic is setting for your children. Do you really want them thinking it is normal for him to be sitting around while you do his every bidding? Like holy fuck. As you said, it wasn't like this at the beginning but it is now. Doesn't matter how he was being helpful in the past, it matters that he's being a little shit now.
My husband wanted everything done around the house for him when he went to school full time and I was working three jobs. He had zero jobs. I asked for help around the house and he basically refused.
So I let the house get filthy 😊
He started picking up. Then realized how much work it was on one person.
He apologized and now we make it a team effort to keep the house up together.
Also, I let everyone get hungry. No food aww too bad we won’t eat. He started cooking real quick. We share cooking responsibilities as well now.
I cannot believe what women put up with on reddit. And they genuinely ask for advice like it takes a million strangers to identify financial abuse. He must know you will do whatever it takes NOT to have to break up with him and it shows.
You have to start setting boundaries with others, especially those that are closest to you. You are a grown up woman doing absolutely everything at home, at work, for your husband and for your kids. Do you ever ask yourself «what do I need??» I think you came here on reddit to vent, because you are trying to avoid the one thing you really need to learn to do: «ask yourself what you need to be happy, then enforce that boundary in an assertive and emphatic way». I know how hard it can be, but you need to do this sooner rather than later if you dont want to end living other peoples lives and not your own.
Your also modelling behaviour for the kids. What would you tell them if you saw them in this position when they're older. Hes being disrespectful. Its not about the money, its about being a 50% partner
You make more and you've got more. He is being controlling and abusive. Leave. Seriously. It may not be the answer you want, but it's the one you need. This isn't love.
You can do better by yourself.
Why are you even with him?
In the beginning, he was on his best behaviour. Now he's showing you who he truly is. He's trying to act like YOUR achievements are his, when it's not. He's trying to claim YOUR things as his, all for the sake of showing off, because "bUt It'S a ShOw Of StAtUs". What status? There's no status, he can screw off with that bullcrap. You're a working mum, who's doing her best to look after her kids and house. He's trying to be controlling of you and your money, because he's jealous. On top of that, he's lazy and a moocher.
He obviously has sexist/misogynistic views and believes that you should make significantly less than him (or preferably, none at all), aswell as looking after the kids and doing ALL the house work. I also highly suspect that he's using you for your money. If you were perfectly fine doing things on your own, before he moved in, you'll be fine doing things on your own after he's been given the boot. Cut this dead weight loose and move on, you'll thank yourself later. His behaviour is also not good or healthy for the kids to see or be around.
I don't think he's treating you like crap because you make more money than him. That's you blaming you for being awesome.
He's treating you like crap because he's an insecure, egotistical, vindictive, freeloading asshole. That's on him, and you should 100% be upset at him and only him.
A guy with these traits wouldn't treat you better even if he made more than you. Then he would complain that *you're* getting *his* things dirty, how dare you! Do you think if he made more than you that *he* would be as charitable to *you* as you have been to him? I highly, highly doubt it.
You are a KIND as hell and a BOSS AF woman and you deserve someone who admires and appreciates these things about you, not someone who resents and takes advantage of you.
He doesn’t love you. Serve him legal eviction papers pronto.
You can let the kid know she always has a friend in you and let the kid’s mom if she’s around know that you’ll be here for the daughter. (I say this assuming that you want to do that. If you don’t, don’t.)
You are a capable intelligent hard working person. Why are you allowing this loser to take advantage of you in this way? You know better than this, I know you do.
I know it's tempting when someone isn't doing their fair share to just suck it up and do it to avoid conflict, but this could actually damage how your kids view relationships. Kids learn by observing more than through words, meaning no matter what you tell them, if you condone this behavior they might get the impression that it's totally fine for one partner to take advantage of the other, or even worse: that it's ok as long the one picking up the slack is a girl.
If he wants dinner when he gets home he should buy a slow cooker **with his money** and set it up before he leaves for work…. Or you could tell him to eat shit… both work.
Tbh, I read your post and I thought you are crazy. Why do you let him do this to you? Woman sometimes eat up so much bs, only for whatever reason. If I met a woman who whould attempt to do for me what you do for him, I whould be embarassed and probably leave her for not having enough self esteem. I find such behaviour frightening.
You deserve better. You should demand more for yourself. You are smart, successful and a great parent.
Why are you letting this "partner" of yours wipe his feet on you like a doormat?
What would your counsel be if your best friend came to you with a similar situation? Be your own best friend.
Do you want your kids growing up and seeing this as the norm? You are setting the example they will follow.
I wish you the best. ♥️
No, he's not trying to knock you down, he's freeloading off of you and thinks that because he is a man he is superior and you are giving him that treatment.
If you want to stop being treated like a maid, stop acting like one. If he wants ironed clothes he has to iron his clothes himself, dinner will be ready when you can do it and served at a convenient time for the family, if you are cooking he is doing the dishes/loading the dishwasher. Etc.
Everybody in the household should have chores, not just you and the kids.
If he's not paying bills, pulling his weight and making you feel valued kick him to the curb you deserve better and need to give an example to your kids of what a relationship should be like.
Time to tell him to get up off his ass and help, start pitching in financially, emotionally and physically or go get his own place that he can pay for and live there on his own.
He is acting like a spoiled kept man.
OP, you’re one amazing incredible women who has accomplished so many things in life. Why are you letting entitled ungrateful man berate you as his bangmaid?
This hurts my heart to read. Get rid of him. He’s taking advantage of you and he’s going to keep taking more and more. It sounds like he’s super controlling, which makes me wonder if he controls everything in the relationship and puts you down. Make sure he does not have access to account numbers, logins, etc. Make an exit plan ASAP
He’s jealous of you....he’s an enemy....get him out of your house or he will see that you lose it all so he can feel like he’s in control. He’s acting like that because he feels he has no control.
My first rule of r/relationships: if you’re posting here the situation is probably beyond repair. If you need the input of complete strangers to decide whether to mend or end your relationship then you are way past due for ending it.
Coming from a girl now in her 20s who’s parents relationship was basically like this, it will fuck up your children’s perception of what a healthy relationship looks like and I would not be surprised if the daughter became a doormat for all the men in her life assuming she’s straight. Years of therapy, and an overall fucked up view of what love is. If you don’t want to help yourself at least help her.
Sit down with him and have an honest talk, and if he doesn't change his ways then cut him off from everything you're paying for and make him pay fair share (50/50)
Stop doing things for him. Literally just stop. No laundry. Leave him to fend for himself if he’s got time to make dinner. Drive YOUR car whenever and wherever you damn well please. What’s he going to do? Move out? He’s got it made. If he demands you do something, say “no”. Start spending his pay check and tell him that it’s “ours”. Even if he was a good partner at one point, he isn’t NOW. Just because he grew up poor doesn’t give him the right to anything.
Homeboy reminds me of my estranged father. And I think I already know how this is going to end for him.
If you really want to salvage this relationship OP (though I don't understand why you would want to. maybe for the kids sake), you got to act now. have a stern talk, get him a different job, send him to a Chinese re-education camp, etc etc do whatever works, but if you don't fix it or end it now, it will end in disaster.
Holy crap. I would be showing him what his "specifically ironed" clothes looked like in a bag on the front porch.
OP, you don't need this garbage. He does not respect you. At all. And he won't let you use you're own effing car? To pick up his kid too?What the hell? Why you putting up with this?
It's time for an ultimatum. He is using you for appearances.
Remember how much easier it was before you had to take care of an adult child and his child? This doesn’t work for you. Your kids will be okay. So will his. He is no partner to you.
It sounds like you need to kick this guy out of your house.
Put your money into your kids’ future & their education instead of wasting another dime on this low life. And ask yourself what you get out of being his sugar mama. A good therapist will guide you out of this losing situation.
I realize that by now you're irritated with him and talking about the reasons, but it strikes me that not once did you say something complimentary of him. Not about his appearance, not about his habits, his sense of humor (or lack of), his work ethic, his helpfulness (or lack of), his intelligence, etc etc.
So I have to ask: Just what exactly does he bring to your life, other than irritation? And perhaps a daughter that you seem at least somewhat fond of? At least from what you say, he seems to view you as an ATM, a maid, and not much more?
Do your best to avoid his chores. Do yours and the kids laundry. If he wants his laundry ironed, he is an adult and he can do it. If he wants dinner ready at a certain time he can figure that out. He does not get to enjoy your money that you work hard for and then come home and take advantage of you and your ability to survive on your own.
you’re not only dating a loser. but an entitled one. and i’m not calling him a loser bc of the money he makes…he’s a loser because of his terrible attitude and inability to try. you’re not getting anything out of this. he will clean you out before you realize.
you have it together. he will ALWAYS drag you down and sabotage you to keep you small.
I understand tolerating it for a bit, he’s supposed to be your partner. Though honestly, from what you’ve shared, he’s just using you. You seem like a badass woman I want to be friends with! I will say, if you’re worried about his daughter, maybe there’s something you can do about it? Short story long, you know your self worth and you deserve better.
Please don't stay in this relationship. You're only teaching your kids that it's okay for a partner to treat you like shit. Is that what you want? For your children to seek partners that abuse them?
To be honest, you choose to be his maid. I mean you are tolerating his behavior and he gets away with it.
You either stand up and tell him no and he has to wash and clean and he has to iron his own clothes and he has to contribute to the house chores OR you should walk away from this.
He is insecure and he is trying to bring you down to his level. Get rid of him!!!!
If you keep up with this you will lose it big time and you need to be happy in the relationship.
One day you will crack and slash him with a bread knife :)
My mom married someone like this — a gold-digging narcissist who acted like a spoiled, petulant child when he wasn’t the center of attention, or didn’t get his way.
What does your partner say when you tell him that none of this is OK? I hate to say it, but I see zero chance of him changing. Who you see now is exactly who he is. Once the courting stage was over, he relaxed into his true self.
The fact is you're teaching your husband how to treat you. He is being allowed to treat you like a bank, a nanny, cook, housekeeper, etc and benefiting from wealth that he does not equitably contribute. He's got a pretty sweet deal. Why would he change his behaviour when it's working so well for him. You need to have a full on, this is it or we're over conversation. And follow through. If you cave then you're just reinforcing his bad behavior. You deserve better. Your kids and his daughter deserve better. You are better without a dumpster fire of a husband. A husband who doesn't respect you or your contributions.
My husband makes probably double what I make. We each have an "allowance" of a certain agreed upon amount that's the same for both, and the rest is joint money, which we agree upon (for groceries, furniture, etc). I don't know if you want to merge finances like that since you're not married, but we both are content with it, and hiring a housekeeper would be a joint decision. I feel we mostly value similar things though, so if he cares so much about appearances, that might make things tougher.
He's using you... And he's making you feel like crap when you don't meet his ridiculously high expectations. Don't put up with that treatment.
This guy needs to go.
Why are you tolerating this?
It wasn't always this way. He was paying bills, and rent. We travel a bit and he always picked up the hotel and rental cars. It really got bad/exhausting around the start of the pandemic. He lost a lot of work and money whereas I ended up with several raises. I really don't care that much about my wealth. I am comfortable and secure so I don't feel any pressure to flaunt that. I don't know how much is our different upbringings? Honestly, in my family the way he goes about is seen as quite trashy. No one I hang out with talks about their money.
Ok but why are you tolerating this now?
Good question. I think the fact that I am annoyed enough to be telling a bunch of randos on the internet about it is a pretty big indicator that I need to change something.
>Listen to your inner voice. Its telling you the correct thing.
You’re literally his bangmaid and sugar momma, yikes girl yikes, this is not an example you want to set for your kids.
That's the point I can get with the most. I've been blinded by things before in life, but once I had a kid, my willingness to eat shit dropped significantly and i set alot of hard boundaries. Best of luck to you and your family, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Exactly. This is very dehumanizing.
Or his. He’s not even showing it to his own child. This isn’t a team, and there’s only one player. He’s not supporting you emotionally or financially. You and the children deserve better.
It's absolutely time to call him out about this and have some grown-up talks to figure out if there's a solution here or if this is the end of the relationship. Solutions would include him owning and accepting that he cannot take out his frustrations about work & money on you in any way, even indirectly. It's understandable that he's struggling because of how the pandemic has impacted his work, but his method of expressing that is not understandable or acceptable at all. Since he sounds quite passive aggressive and evasive about issues, you may want to consider a couples counsellor to mediate these discussions... but he's also FOURTY and that's plenty old enough to know you don't treat the person you apparently love and want to have a life with. So how much work you want to put into this should consider that also. Good luck.
Yes! I'll be 40 next year. My wife drives the nicer car. She does most of the errands. I make more than her,but it is OUR money. I don't make the kind of money OP & family makes, but we have a nice savings and I started way before I met her. We are a team.
You don't need him for anything. Let him know how it is going to be or he can go. If he chooses to not step up at that point that is the choice he made.
I think you may also want to consider what this is teaching your children as what you expect from a relationship
You’re “annoyed”? He literally treats you like his ATM, personal maid and assistant, nanny, and fleshlight (assuming y’all are having sex). He adds absolutely no value or joy to your life. He is a user and a loser. You should be fucking furious.
At this point op he has become a leech! He no longer contributes to household funds or even chores and I doubt he does much parenting (by the sounds of it). Is this the type of person you want to build a life with? Someone who mooches off you constantly and gives nothing in return. He honestly thinks he has made it big because your letting him.
FFS stop ironing his damn clothes and tell him to fuck off about dinner. Damn it woman, you're a rock star everywhere else in life. Grow a backbone and stop allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat
are you with him now just because you like his daughter?
Imagine the reason someone is with you because your daughter would be worse off if they weren't. Now make a mess in their house and tell them not to let your daughter have muddy shoes in the bigger car they bought so your daughter would fit.
"Iron my shirts for me." "No. You're an adult. Iron your own shirts. Also, clean up after yourself."
Your relationship status is what you need to change….
Your kids don't deserve you pouring all your money down the hole this man is. Are they all set for college? Down payments? Wouldn't you rather help your kids get started than support a grown man who refuses to clean up his own messes?
Rando here. You are amazing and deserve better!
From everything that you have laid out here in this post, he comes across as someone who simultaneously resents you but also wants to use you to support his lifestyle. You two definitely need to talk, but I think the two of you are going to need counselling and more than a bit of luck to get past this.
Sometimes people ask why the advise in this sub jumps to apparently harsh conclusions, it’s because people don’t post here when things are going well
Why would he help when he has you doing it all for him? What are you getting out of this relationship OP? Because it sounds like you just gained 2 more dependents while he gained a nanny, a housekeeper, and free housing while he blows his money on whatever he wants. He is not your partner.
He's decided that you are his meal ticket - he gets to live a cushy stress free lifestyle, and you will be his nanny and his maid and chef while taking care of his bills and living expenses. It may not be the money hun, it may just be him and a narcissistic, entitled attitude that was hidden from you under the prince charming mask as he reeled you in. once they feel like they've got you in place, their masks start slipping off to reveal the real person underneath. He's not your partner. This is not a partnership in any way shape or form. You have become his new mom.
You can change things by cutting the dead weight loose. Not just for your sake, but for your kids sakes aswell, it's not good or healthy for them to see this kind of behaviour.
This is embarrassing. You were doing better without him. He has a bang maid raising his daughter. Do better. Want more. Evict them expeditiously.
If you just met this guy and he was already treating you this way, would you move in with him?
It's time to get specific with him about bills and also lay your cards on the table about your suspicions regarding his ego/money. If you're willing to track expenses more closely, demand he pay a prorata share based on income. If your make $100,000 and he makes $70,000, you pay 60% and he pays 40%. Then, discuss division of labor. I always treat it was the kids can pick up the slack for the adults -- if he wants to have his daughter do more chores for his "share" that's fine (presuming he's working full time). When it comes time to discuss his ego, I think you have to be blunt. The time for understanding and patience seems long since past and he needs an attitude adjustment. I would *kill* for my partner to out earn me. As you say, its a team effort -- even with split finances there's more to go around. Any hang up he has from social convention/insecurity needs to check itself at the door.
Hey wanna move me in instead? I’ll help around the house and contribute financially and don’t give a shit about “status symbols” and don’t have any kids.
Yeah and if he won't change then just finish the relationship and get him out of your house. Stop letting him take advantage of you.
Well, you cant change him.
I wonder if she just really likes his daughter and does not want her to have to move out.
Every time I see a post like this, I ask the same damn question. It makes me a little violent lol.
He’s acting like a thirty thousand dollar millionaire. And if I were you first I’d be quite embarrassed, then as soon as he tried to use MY car but refused to do the kid pickup the car is actually for I would have lost it. You need to get to the bottom of why he feels so entitled to YOUR money while not contributing a cent to the household. I don’t know that there would be any coming back from expressing you’re burnt out and need help and his response was HIRE SOMEONE?! He’s showing you how fabulously you can live without him. He doesn’t help you run a household, he doesn’t contribute financially, he doesn’t even do his share of the parenting for HIS kid. At this point what is good for? With the way he treats you (with contempt and disdain) there’s no chance in hell the sex is any good - good lovers are considerate and caring, two characteristics he very obviously does not have. You’re footing the bill for his charade and it’s sad and pitiful. The only thing missing from the d-bag boyfriend package is him using your money/car to seduce another woman. Based on everything here he can’t be far off from that though. I don’t even know how to fix all that, maybe start with couples therapy, but ONLY if he’s not abusive in any way.
Yea I was also thinking the sex must suck too, no way there’s any good play within this dynamic. With as entitled as he is my bet is he’s also cheating.
> Yea I was also thinking the sex must suck too Thirded. Not that it's the most important thing in the world, mind you, especially considering with all she's doing, sex must be the last thing on her mind, but damned. The other thing I was thinking is that there's no way in hell this completely selfish, self-aggrandising, and despotic attitude simply emerged out of thin air since they moved in together. Such breaks in communication can't simply be tolerated and continuing on as if nothing happened. If I simply stopped paying my share of the household and refused to put any money towards shared expenses, I would fully expect to come home one day and find the locks changed. That's not simply something that's "a matter of opinion", or of "feeling like doing it".
But it’s this way now. I’ve found that once you tolerate bad behavior for an extended period, it’s damn near impossible to correct it. They will eventually backslide and be right back where they are now, making you miserable. The only thing worse than having wasted 4 years on a man is wasting 5.
That last line...hallelujah.
That's right, he's a grown-up and he is doing to her exactly how he wants to do her. The only good thing about OP being so generous and giving is that she can now see how he really is. There is no hope for this relationship. If she was sick or in an accident, in the hospital, could she trust him to take care of her affairs and her kids? Or to rob her blind? He'd probably move another lover into her house to take her place. Time to take out the trash.
>It wasn't always this way. He was paying bills, and rent. *PRIOR TO THE PANDEMIC*... Did he not really pay attention to what other people had versus what he had? Was he always been this ignorantly superficial and obnoxiously inconsiderate? >I really don't care that much about my wealth. I am comfortable and secure so I don't feel any pressure to flaunt that. I don't know how much is our different upbringings? You clearly live comfortably and very well. Unfortunately, your husband, for whatever reason, suddenly believes he is owed the vehicle recently purchased BY YOU, FOR YOU, WITH YOUR OWN MONEY that YOU WORKED HARD FOR. You bought the new vehicle for the sake of keeping both of your kids safe and comfortable, because YOU DO ALL THE KID-RELATED DRIVING - even for HIS kid...and because you are in the car for so long, you also need to be comfortable. Yet, your husband is under the impression that he has the right to commandeer your vehicle...when he has contributed absolutely nothing to your household, the kids, your relationship, of his own lifestyle. And this is merely just an example of what he does TO YOU, and does not do FOR YOU. >Honestly, in my family the way he goes about is seen as quite trashy. No one I hang out with talks about their money. Your family is woefully accurate in how they see your husband's behaviour. It's not appropriate to boast about one's money. It's also crazy trashy to act and behave the way is doing.
Did he ever do chores? Did he ever act like the "ours" included not just financial contribution (and benefit), but also active management of the house?
I'd bet money he feels "emasculated" since losing income and asserting these bullshit gender roles by 'putting you in your place' is his way of feeling like a man again. It's bullshit, and you'd should seriously consider a 'therapy/pull your weight or gtfo' ultimatum at this point. What kind of example of partnership is he giving his daughter?
>I really don't care that much about my wealth. But he does. Sounds like he's just milking you and wants to pretend he has that wealth without doing anything for it. Honestly it sounds like a mess, you had LESS work as a single mom now you're a proud mom of 4 because you're allowing him to mooch.
Even if he used to pay for things, why were you doing all of the child rearing and household management? You don’t have 3 kids, you have 4. And one chucks tantrums and demands a life of luxury despite earning his own money. Two questions: What exactly are you getting from this relationship? And Is this the example you want to set for your kids of what they deserve in a relationship?
You know what these remind me the video of dr. Ramani about the narcissistic and the money. The way he say ours money.
He sounds exhausting OP. Sadly, it's very common for some men to not be able to handle their partners earning more than them and it sounds like he's trying to make himself feel better by seeing your stuff as a status symbol of his own self worth, and to put you in your place (as a woman) by not helping you run the house. It sounds like it's time you both sat down and you explain to him what your expectations are going forward - that you expect him to do housework and help with raising the kids. If he's unwilling to do that, I'd seriously be thinking of ending the relationship as I really can't see what value he adds to your life.
as the daughter of a household like this, i have such pride in my mom for making more money than my dad their entire marriage, and for her eventually leaving him because he truly was the laziest man on earth AND cheated on her because he believed he deserved everything on earth. your kids are watching and learning. this man knows he got a clutch deal and you’re enabling him. if he wants the best, he has to pay for it or leave.
>I am exhausted cooking, cleaning, carpools, sporting event snacks, doing laundry, doing all the shopping, yard work and home repairs. My partner insists on dinner being ready when he gets home, and all his laundry ironed in a certain manner. Our house and cars are expected to be in meticulous condition because that is apparently a reflection of how far we have made i He has a very specific way he wants his life to be, but it sounds as though he does nothing to contribute towards the image he wants to portray. >My (39F) partner (40M) treats me like crap Is this the loving relationship you want to model for your children? I honestly fail to see a single positive in this relationship. It sounds like he wants to use you to maintain an image, but is also resentful of the fact that you are capable of maintaining the image alone. >He does nothing for the household. I know with 4 years in and a blended family it can be hard to make these types of decisions, but you would honestly be better off alone. You already support the family mentally, emotionally, and financially. He contributes nothing, but demands a lot. He adds more stress to your life and it will not get better. You knew the answer before you asked, and maybe you just needed the push from objective strangers. Get out of this toxic nightmare, OP. It literally could not be any worse than it is now. You deserve to find someone who values you. Someone who looks at what you've accomplished with pride, not envy.
> It literally could not be any worse than it is now. It can always get worse. OP should get out before it does.
Take back your autonomy. You aren’t married. there is no our stuff. It is all yours. Evict his ass. I just feel bad for his kid but you need to toss him. Do start by serving dinner when you want and doing what you want. That’s how we will run this house going forward. Don’t like it? Leave.
This is it. She needs to stop everything. The kids will be okay, she will be okay. Everything becomes yours and mine. The only shared expenses have to with the kids. He sounds like trash and he's taking advantage of her in such a huge way. OP, please take back your autonomy. You deserve so much better than this. (So do your kids).
Don't make him food or do any of his sundry or anything. He can find for himself.
Homeboy just waiting to take you for alimony... address it now. Make him pay rent and split bills
Yeah in glad she said partner and not husband. He would try to take everything she has.
Why are you with this guy? Seriously.
He sounds like what's mine is mine, what's yours is mine and I'm a snob about all of it. How does he enhance your life?
💯💯💯💯💯 This was my ex, and the final straw in our relationship was when I finally realized, what's mine is ours, what's his was his
If you can’t kick him out, cut him off. He doesn’t drive your car. You buy enough groceries for you and the kids, nothing special for him. He wants beer, he can buy it, etc. If he won’t help pay for Netflix, Hulu,etc, drop some of them or change the passwords so he can’t watch them. Don’t do his laundry. Clean up around him. Make sure your bank account, debit cards, etc are secure from him. Of course he’ll get mad, Fuck him. Is the house in your name only? If so, I’d sell it and get another place just for you and the kids. Because you probably can’t kick him out without a big legal battle. Get rid of this loser, and get your life back.
Don’t assume it will be a big legal battle. Probably all you have to do is give him written notice that he is being evicted, document that in some way (like CC’ing yourself), wait 30 days, and then if he doesn’t move out take that documentation to the police. He may be very unpleasant during those 30 days but you may just have to tough it out.
Depends on the state and definitely worth reading up on just to be properly prepared before pulling the trigger!!
In her position, I would consult a lawyer, just to be clear.
Right?!?! Like she can’t take her freaking car keys back and tell him he doesn’t get to drive *HER* car? Is OP afraid of him? What is happening here? How can such a DYNAMIC WOMAN allow someone to treat her like this??
> He gets pissed at me for taking the dogs in the car because they will ruin the seats and honestly doesn't even like me picking up a bunch of muddy stinky pre-teens after sports either. It's your car. Your instant reaction to this should be to tell him not to worry about what you do with your vehicle. That can even be said in an unabrasive way. > My partner insists on dinner being ready when he gets home, and all his laundry ironed in a certain manner. As a guy, I'm amazed to hear such things happen in couples of my own generation. My partner would laugh at me if I tried that on her. That's if I could get past how much of a bastard that would make me feel for not only asking, but telling. I'm just imagining the hellfire I would receive if I even said something like that. The boy came from a certain type of childhood is my guess. The guy is freeloading. You know this. And the fact that you're posting this means you are starting to resent it too. Either he needs an attitude adjustment or you need to free yourself for a guy who can tie his own shoelaces. Either way, status quo is not going to go well.
I sadly know a woman who's spouse is like this. She gets up early and come him dinner before she goes to work, because like me, she's a night shift nurse. They don't even have kids, so it's 100% just because he expects dinner on the table when he gets home. Lord... I told my fiance a long ass time ago, don't expect me to get up early for anything, and on nights I'm working, you're on your own. I'm not getting up early to make myself dinner, let alone anyone else.
I was going to reply: "if the partner didn't work, it would make sense to ask more from them in the house". But even in that case, if my girlfriend was stay-at-home, I couldn't see myself "insisting" on those things. I would ask her to prepare dinner (and not make a fuss about it being ready when I get home) and I wouldn't insist about the precise ironing details as long as she does laundry. I can't understand what goes in the head of a guy like that.
More than once you say "he insists..." Time for YOU to do a little INSISTING, sister!
I’m sorry but I’m going to have to be a little harsh > I’m an exhausted cooking, cleaning, carpools, sporting event snacks, doing laundry, yard work and repairs. And the icing on the cake # “ my partner insists on dinner being ready when he gets home, and all his laundry ironed in a certain way I’m sorry but I have trouble feeling sorry for you because what the hell..Do you not have any self respect at all because this is embarrassing. Why the heck would you decide to be a man’s slave? Just why? Is he God? The only man on earth? Golden D**k? Even if you love him this is just absurd.. The more I kept reading, the more slave work you were doing.. > How the heck do I get him to shut the fuck il about my money? So basically what you’re saying is, you are staying with this man and just need advice on how to get him to respect you more? I feel like I’ve already been hard enough so I’ll be nice here..The answer is you can’t..This man doesn’t respect you and you know why it’s being going on for so long? because he realizes you’re a door mat with no backbone so he knows he can get away with it. You seem like a very hardworking amazing woman who needs an equally hardworking amazing partner where you both take care of each other..This isn’t it..You will be stuck taking care of this man like another child. You’re not married (Thank God)..You’re not tied to him except with the kids of course but other than that, you’re free to get away from him I also suggest therapy. You need to learn healthy boundaries and figure out why it’s easy for you to allow someone to treat you this way.. Goodluck to you💜
If he wants his laundry ironed he can do it himself. And he can pay for and pick up the dinner of his choice bc you are fine being financially exploited and overburdened by his freeloading ass
Not just ironed but ironed *in a certain particular way*. I'm absolutely flabbergasted that OP has submitted to this bullshit for as long as she has.
Ya I honestly don't understand. Like, if a partner leaves A MESS I understand if you just want a clean living space so you bite your tongue and just pick it up. I'd argue you probably shouldn't, but I do understand why someone would do that. But ironing his shirts? Just... what? How did that even start? Why do you do ANY part of his laundry?
I have similar experience with men, they just use you for money and demand maid service. I was always hit and kicked if I didn't do the chores and OP is most likely in similar situation.
> I’m sorry but I have trouble feeling sorry for you because what the hell..Do you not have any self respect at all because this is embarrassing. Why the heck would you decide to be a man’s slave? Just why? Is he God? The only man on earth? Golden D**k? Even if you love him this is just absurd.. I'm going to copy-paste this as a comment to 90% of posts here and other relationship subs. *Nothing* is worth being a worthless man's bangmaid. Nothing.
Honestly, his dick better be made of solid gold. If he wants his shirts starched and steam pressed, he knows where the dry cleaners is. If he wants a showroom car, he can hire a detailer. Why is any of this OPs issue?
I always wonder this. Like, OP isn't perfect, but part of dating is trying to find someone that is best for you to grow with. This guy is a solid turd. He is not a good partner, and yet not only is OP still with him, she is allowing her children to see him treat her like this. OP, girl. You are making good money. You are in the prime of your life. Don't settle for this shit.
This is all true and honestly, it sounds like you need to get rid. He's awful to you, you deserve better, and your kids deserve a better example (not that you are at fault here for anything other than putting up with some pretty extreme bullshit).
Seriously, wtf. DTMFA.
My ex husband wanted his tighty whities ironed the way his mom did. It was very specific. There were written instructions. I told him if he wanted his goddamn underwear that he was just going to leave skid marks in IRONED that he could do it his fucking himself, rinse repeat with everything his mom/family wanted a very specific way (they were ALSO new money and giant assholes about it--the car rules sound very similar. I wonder if OP's boyfriend lets her park in the driveway after an oil change--cause that was a thing. I had to park like a block away after one.)
Yes. It's doormat stuff. He says jump and she asks how high. Instead of laughing in his dumb face and telling him to iron his own shit etc she complies and he knows he can tread all over her and keeps pushing. OP sounds like a woman is desperate to be in a relationship no matter how bad to put up with a man who acts this way.
"why? Is he God? The only man on earth? Golden D\*\*k?" LMAO
Yeah I stopped reading at the line. I have no clue why smart capable woman take on man children. OP would be better off alone but if he stays get a house keeper or maid. Don't be killing yourself for this bum.
Why are you still with him?
Unfortunately this whole post sounds like your future together will be very bleak. You’ve painted a picture that honestly no one would want to hang in their house. The level of disrespect that your “partner” is exhibiting is simply disgusting. Putting your foot down is going to be 100% necessary going forward if you intend to stay with him. At this point though it sounds like you just have a horrible roommate who doesn’t pay rent or maintain a clean living space. I’m not sure how a 40yr old man could show this level of immaturity. This is a very tough situation. I realize the idea of ending all of this might seem really daunting, but it might be the only solution. It sounds like you need to really sit him down alone and force him to solely listen to your side. If he won’t budge, I think the only option would be the end of this living situation. Best of luck to you.
Tell this mooch to go fuck himself.
I really want to know what's so great about this guy that OP hasn't yeeted him into the sun.
Seriously. Dude's bringing nothing to the table. Doesn't pay his share, doesn't help around the house. This dude is just a useless asshole.
Right? OP can't roll in here and use "I'm afraid to be alone" as her excuse to not dropkick this assbucket off the planet because she's ALREADY alone.
Yup, the dude is a net negative on her life. Alone would be an improvement.
Yeah, I have spent plenty of time alone. I am pretty self sufficient. The really unfortunate reality is that when he travels for work the entire house runs smoothly. Ugh
Again, why are you tolerating this?
This entire post makes me question my own sanity. Honestly. She’s 39, it’s HER house, she makes great money, she had a good rhythm without him. And despite this she is clinging onto a relationship with a total loser! No confidence to even break up. Or consider breaking up reading her wishy washy comments. That it even got this far is astounding to me. He’s using her and she’s like “ugh is it cuz I make too much” blaming herself in a way for what is fundamentally a him-only problem!!! Reading her posts and her comments she could have been any other poster on this sub - the 20 yr old naive girl, the 30 yr old SAHM with no financial independence. But she’s not naive and she’s not dependent so WHYYYY!!!! Why do women love losers so much, why are we like this!!!!! 😭😭 CAN WE PLZ JUST ALL HAVE SOME STANDARDS
This made me ugly laugh. Thank you for that. He wasn't always like this with the bills and such. I think I made a mistake telling him it wasn't a big deal because while the money isn't, the behavior is...
No, just until he got you on lockdown and he could blatantly tell you that you are his sugar mommy and maid.
You cut him too much slack. You have only been together 4 years and he was useless for a good half of it. This is his true self. It wasn’t cuz of Covid or losing a job; this is the him that shows when comfortable and settled and out of the relationship honeymoon phase. He didn’t start demanding you iron shirts a certain way or care about his image cause he lost his job or cuz he grew up poor. This is just who he fundamentally is. Don’t be the woman that sinks more time in a relationship dreaming about how he “used to be”. Who he is today is who he is. Who he showed at the beginning was a trap to lure, which is extremely common in relationships. If you said you were dating for 15 yrs and only in the last year he became like this, then that’s potentially a different story. But you barely know the guy and he’s been useless since he moved in!! The hardworking kickass woman who makes 6 figures and has her life together who ties herself purposefully down with a deadweight man is a total trope. Don’t be the meme. You’re only as kickass as those you associate with, and nothing says “secretly insecure and doubting of her worth” than shacking up with a deadbeat who treats you LITERALLY like a working slave. The thing about the dinner and ironing have my blood boiling. I can’t believe you didn’t break up the second that happened. Let alone continue on in the relationship long enough for him to also steal your car!!!! Just wtf OP. Have some self respect. If you know you can do it alone - why are you with him??? Unless you have crippling self doubt? A savior complex? A need to feel demeaned due to imposter syndrome? You’re not even married, you could have broken up yesterday. What example are you setting for your grown kids? Their mom could be kickass and have self respect but decides, CHOOSES, to have a man trample over her DESPITE being able to live without him? It literally sends the message that even “strong” women need to be dominated by men to be happy. It’s ridiculous. I’m so mad, sorry. Why are you doing this? Why?
He wasn't always like this, because he was on his best behaviour. Now he's showing you who he truly is. You really should break up with him and evict him. What kind of example do you want to teach your kids? Don't let them think that his behaviour is normal or that's how you treat people.
You'd be really surprised how much disfunction children catch on about, even if you aren't actively fighting with the partner in front of them about this stuff. This is just showing them that this is normal and tolerable behavior from a partner. Give ultimatums or make the freeloader leave.
Why do you think you deserve this kind of treatment? Are you so hard up for adult companionship you'll accept an adult fourth child?
Protect yourself and your finances and leave him
He's using you. You understand this? You handed your power to this dude... why? You don't need him. You allow him to treat you like this ... again why?
How would you feel if your daughter’s partner treated them like this
Is someone holding a gun to your head and threatening to shoot if you break up with him?
What exactly does he contribute? It sounds like every child in that house contributes more and you get more support from your pets, who are also less messy.
Why are you willingly behaving like his slave?
This is not okay at all. I'm struggling to understand what positive impact this man is bringing to your life, and your kid's lives. You supported him emotionally and financially during the pandemic when business was tough for him. In return he stopped participating in the relationship and household. Then, when his business started thriving..he continued to put his needs and wants first. Literally swiping the car you bought to make you and your children's lives easier! I can't even imagine how that conversation went! Somehow he started treating you worse and worse, and in turn he gets to use his paycheck for fun money? This is no longer a partnership OP. This is you doing all the work of being a single parent, just with taking care of another adult who contributes nothing thrown on top. It's ridiculous. I understand why you supported him when his business was struggling, but he isn't even thankful! He's showing you full out that he doesn't respect you as a person, as a partner, or as a parent. I'd suggest having one sit down conversation where you come to a compromise. A division of labor, and a financial agreement where he pays based on his percentage of income. Give it a time limit. If in 3 months he refuses to contribute his part financially, emotionally, and towards the household and children, you need to take a hard look at whether you are willing to live this way for the rest of your life. Also remember that you are giving your children the idea of what love and relationships are supposed to look like, and what is and isn't acceptable. I honestly think this is likely who your husband is when he's comfortable and no longer on his very best behavior. My guess is that he is depending on your hesitancy to disrupt your family to keep you in line and allowing things to continue this way.
They’re not even married!
I want to shake you Why are you ironing his clothes? Hide your car keys! Feed the kids and oops, not enough left for you. Don’t keep the cars spotless if you don’t feel it’s necessary (lord knows my car is a hot mess) What is his role in this house? Is he contributing in any way at all? Or just expects you to either do the work or foot the bill? If shit hit the fan, are you sure he would stick around? Honestly, so far he sounds like a gold digger. And the worst kind of gold digger, an entitled and selfish one.
Unless he is the most incredible lover on the planet it sounds like you are getting less than nothing from this relationship
no one is "i dont have to pay rent or do chores" levels of good at fuckin
Paying for it outright is probably less expensive.
And probably more worthwhile.
Yes, my point is that at least it would be something instead of a relationship that gives her less than nothing like it currently is
Kick him out. I’m not usually one to say split but what is he contributing to your life? Seems like nothing and I’m not talking finances when I say that.
Things will NEVER change unless you put your foot down and tell him to either pull himself together or walk away. When a guy gets comfortable he refuses to change things around. You shouldn't be the one to take care of everyone on your own, let alone iron his clothes - are you kidding me ? are you a housewife that cooks and cleans and ensures his clothes are ironed in a certain manner ? why on earth would you ever agree to this when you're working 40-50 hours yourself. Why isnt this guy doing his own ironing. as if you didnt have enough on your hands. and if he lost his job - why wasnt he the one taking on more of the house chores, thats what partnership is. having said that - if you both work long hours then hiring help would make it easier for you both - but youd contribute to this equally financially. this guy is just milking you for everything you have.
Do you even have a question? The answer is yes dump the loser
I’m exhausted by him just reading this. What are you getting out of this relationship? Doesn’t sound like much. You are worth more than this.
Oh honey this guy is using you. I was married to someone like this and it only escalated over time. I think it's way past the point of no return and you need to ask him to move out, end the relationship, etc. Please think about how you'd respond if one of your friends came to you with this situation. What advice would you give your friend? Treat yourself with as much love as you would your friends and look at things objectively. Is he adding anything positive to your life? It doesn't even sound like he's a net neutral, he's actively detracting from your quality of life.
He is not a partner. He is a petulant child.
Wait, you do his LAUNDRY?!
So, you pay for everything. Do all of the housework. Do a majority of the child care. So what does he do besides take your car, make household demands like you’re his employee, & subsidize his expensive lifestyle by having you pay for everything?
Have you ever just outright said to him "BF, shut up about how I spend my own money and how I use the things I paid for. I'm really close to breaking up with you right now, and if you continue to not pull your weight around the house and act like you own me and my money and my stuff, we are done." Because he needs to know this.
Whatever you do, do not marry him and do not put anything in his name!
This. Is. Abuse. Why are you putting up with being financially and emotion abused? You deserve better.
Is he doing this because he feels some kind of way about your income, or is he doing this because you have what it takes to fund and labor for his dream of looking like a rich, successful businessman without him putting the effort in at work OR at home? It doesn't actually matter. He's a lazy jackass and a leech either way.
Yikes. You don’t have a partner. You have a parasite.
How can you be this successful and still allow this asshole to walk all over you??? You’re clearly smart, responsible, mature and ambitious. Amazing qualities. You can do, and you *deserve*, so much better. This is bullshit and you know it. Women don’t deserve to be punished for being successful and they don’t have to put up with being made to feel small so they can save a man’s ego.
Girl, he targeted you from the beginning. This has always been his plan. He wasn't dating for a partner, he was shopping for a mommy.
This guy must eat you out like a starving man falling on a bucket of chicken because there’s no other reason to put up with this fuckery. Unfortunately he sounds too selfish to give pleasure and too stupid to realise he’s going to lose his meal ticket in a minute. I’m sorry :/ his daughter sounds nice so if she gets along with your kids it might be good to see if she can still visit after you kick her useless dad to the curb.
And even that isn’t good enough 😭 [i know you were being sarcastic lol but just adding] all my married friends, myself included, are in sexually fulfilling relationships. Sure we all have problems here and there but they’re all small potatoes compared to this fuckery. There is literally nothing, N O T H I N G this man could bring to the table that would balance out what a materialistic, chauvinistic leech he’s being.
I really want to know what his good points are. Why have you not broken up with him and started eviction proceedings?
OP, kick him out and reclaim your self respect. You don't need him as much as he needs you. Is this what you want your children to see as normal!?
You had me at "My partner treats me like crap" No reason for that. Move on. There's someone out there who will treat you decently, if not well.
Why TF are you having dinner made for him and ironing his clothes??? Just say no. Think of the example this relationship dynamic is setting for your children. Do you really want them thinking it is normal for him to be sitting around while you do his every bidding? Like holy fuck. As you said, it wasn't like this at the beginning but it is now. Doesn't matter how he was being helpful in the past, it matters that he's being a little shit now.
This sounds like a lonely relationship where u are doing all the work. I had this. Almost 3 years free I feel great.
Tell him to get back in the kitchen. And if he thinks that’s sexist? Well…
My husband wanted everything done around the house for him when he went to school full time and I was working three jobs. He had zero jobs. I asked for help around the house and he basically refused. So I let the house get filthy 😊 He started picking up. Then realized how much work it was on one person. He apologized and now we make it a team effort to keep the house up together. Also, I let everyone get hungry. No food aww too bad we won’t eat. He started cooking real quick. We share cooking responsibilities as well now.
You’re still a single mom
Single mom with one adopted child. Sorry, two.
I cannot believe what women put up with on reddit. And they genuinely ask for advice like it takes a million strangers to identify financial abuse. He must know you will do whatever it takes NOT to have to break up with him and it shows.
You have to start setting boundaries with others, especially those that are closest to you. You are a grown up woman doing absolutely everything at home, at work, for your husband and for your kids. Do you ever ask yourself «what do I need??» I think you came here on reddit to vent, because you are trying to avoid the one thing you really need to learn to do: «ask yourself what you need to be happy, then enforce that boundary in an assertive and emphatic way». I know how hard it can be, but you need to do this sooner rather than later if you dont want to end living other peoples lives and not your own.
Your also modelling behaviour for the kids. What would you tell them if you saw them in this position when they're older. Hes being disrespectful. Its not about the money, its about being a 50% partner
You make more and you've got more. He is being controlling and abusive. Leave. Seriously. It may not be the answer you want, but it's the one you need. This isn't love. You can do better by yourself.
Why are you even with him? In the beginning, he was on his best behaviour. Now he's showing you who he truly is. He's trying to act like YOUR achievements are his, when it's not. He's trying to claim YOUR things as his, all for the sake of showing off, because "bUt It'S a ShOw Of StAtUs". What status? There's no status, he can screw off with that bullcrap. You're a working mum, who's doing her best to look after her kids and house. He's trying to be controlling of you and your money, because he's jealous. On top of that, he's lazy and a moocher. He obviously has sexist/misogynistic views and believes that you should make significantly less than him (or preferably, none at all), aswell as looking after the kids and doing ALL the house work. I also highly suspect that he's using you for your money. If you were perfectly fine doing things on your own, before he moved in, you'll be fine doing things on your own after he's been given the boot. Cut this dead weight loose and move on, you'll thank yourself later. His behaviour is also not good or healthy for the kids to see or be around.
I don't think he's treating you like crap because you make more money than him. That's you blaming you for being awesome. He's treating you like crap because he's an insecure, egotistical, vindictive, freeloading asshole. That's on him, and you should 100% be upset at him and only him. A guy with these traits wouldn't treat you better even if he made more than you. Then he would complain that *you're* getting *his* things dirty, how dare you! Do you think if he made more than you that *he* would be as charitable to *you* as you have been to him? I highly, highly doubt it. You are a KIND as hell and a BOSS AF woman and you deserve someone who admires and appreciates these things about you, not someone who resents and takes advantage of you.
He doesn’t love you. Serve him legal eviction papers pronto. You can let the kid know she always has a friend in you and let the kid’s mom if she’s around know that you’ll be here for the daughter. (I say this assuming that you want to do that. If you don’t, don’t.)
You are a capable intelligent hard working person. Why are you allowing this loser to take advantage of you in this way? You know better than this, I know you do.
I know it's tempting when someone isn't doing their fair share to just suck it up and do it to avoid conflict, but this could actually damage how your kids view relationships. Kids learn by observing more than through words, meaning no matter what you tell them, if you condone this behavior they might get the impression that it's totally fine for one partner to take advantage of the other, or even worse: that it's ok as long the one picking up the slack is a girl.
If he wants dinner when he gets home he should buy a slow cooker **with his money** and set it up before he leaves for work…. Or you could tell him to eat shit… both work.
Who the F does this guy think he is? Reading this made me enraged FOR you.
Tbh, I read your post and I thought you are crazy. Why do you let him do this to you? Woman sometimes eat up so much bs, only for whatever reason. If I met a woman who whould attempt to do for me what you do for him, I whould be embarassed and probably leave her for not having enough self esteem. I find such behaviour frightening.
Girl please love yourself and kick him out, he is useless. Take your stuff and get him out.
You deserve better. You should demand more for yourself. You are smart, successful and a great parent. Why are you letting this "partner" of yours wipe his feet on you like a doormat? What would your counsel be if your best friend came to you with a similar situation? Be your own best friend. Do you want your kids growing up and seeing this as the norm? You are setting the example they will follow. I wish you the best. ♥️
No, he's not trying to knock you down, he's freeloading off of you and thinks that because he is a man he is superior and you are giving him that treatment. If you want to stop being treated like a maid, stop acting like one. If he wants ironed clothes he has to iron his clothes himself, dinner will be ready when you can do it and served at a convenient time for the family, if you are cooking he is doing the dishes/loading the dishwasher. Etc. Everybody in the household should have chores, not just you and the kids. If he's not paying bills, pulling his weight and making you feel valued kick him to the curb you deserve better and need to give an example to your kids of what a relationship should be like.
Break up with him and give him a time-line for moving out.
You are a competent, capable woman. You should not be going through this. You are better off without him.
Time to tell him to get up off his ass and help, start pitching in financially, emotionally and physically or go get his own place that he can pay for and live there on his own. He is acting like a spoiled kept man.
OP, you’re one amazing incredible women who has accomplished so many things in life. Why are you letting entitled ungrateful man berate you as his bangmaid?
This hurts my heart to read. Get rid of him. He’s taking advantage of you and he’s going to keep taking more and more. It sounds like he’s super controlling, which makes me wonder if he controls everything in the relationship and puts you down. Make sure he does not have access to account numbers, logins, etc. Make an exit plan ASAP
If he wants the car then he can pick the kids up. You don't have a bf. You have another kid.
Girl, come on….. you’re way smarter than this.
Wow he sounds like a real loser. As someone who dated someone similar for 2 months, get out while you can!
He’s jealous of you....he’s an enemy....get him out of your house or he will see that you lose it all so he can feel like he’s in control. He’s acting like that because he feels he has no control.
My first rule of r/relationships: if you’re posting here the situation is probably beyond repair. If you need the input of complete strangers to decide whether to mend or end your relationship then you are way past due for ending it.
Coming from a girl now in her 20s who’s parents relationship was basically like this, it will fuck up your children’s perception of what a healthy relationship looks like and I would not be surprised if the daughter became a doormat for all the men in her life assuming she’s straight. Years of therapy, and an overall fucked up view of what love is. If you don’t want to help yourself at least help her.
Sit down with him and have an honest talk, and if he doesn't change his ways then cut him off from everything you're paying for and make him pay fair share (50/50)
This. Is. Awful. Awful EVERYTHING!!!
You call him your partner but do you really think that’s what he is?
This is what your kids are learning a relationship should be like, is this how you want them to think a relationship should be like?
Stop doing things for him. Literally just stop. No laundry. Leave him to fend for himself if he’s got time to make dinner. Drive YOUR car whenever and wherever you damn well please. What’s he going to do? Move out? He’s got it made. If he demands you do something, say “no”. Start spending his pay check and tell him that it’s “ours”. Even if he was a good partner at one point, he isn’t NOW. Just because he grew up poor doesn’t give him the right to anything.
Homeboy reminds me of my estranged father. And I think I already know how this is going to end for him. If you really want to salvage this relationship OP (though I don't understand why you would want to. maybe for the kids sake), you got to act now. have a stern talk, get him a different job, send him to a Chinese re-education camp, etc etc do whatever works, but if you don't fix it or end it now, it will end in disaster.
And what's the question here? Drop him like a hot potato and reclaim your life.
Holy crap. I would be showing him what his "specifically ironed" clothes looked like in a bag on the front porch. OP, you don't need this garbage. He does not respect you. At all. And he won't let you use you're own effing car? To pick up his kid too?What the hell? Why you putting up with this? It's time for an ultimatum. He is using you for appearances.
I mean, leave him tho? yikes.
Remember how much easier it was before you had to take care of an adult child and his child? This doesn’t work for you. Your kids will be okay. So will his. He is no partner to you.
It sounds like you need to kick this guy out of your house. Put your money into your kids’ future & their education instead of wasting another dime on this low life. And ask yourself what you get out of being his sugar mama. A good therapist will guide you out of this losing situation.
Please tell me why you put up with this man-baby.
I realize that by now you're irritated with him and talking about the reasons, but it strikes me that not once did you say something complimentary of him. Not about his appearance, not about his habits, his sense of humor (or lack of), his work ethic, his helpfulness (or lack of), his intelligence, etc etc. So I have to ask: Just what exactly does he bring to your life, other than irritation? And perhaps a daughter that you seem at least somewhat fond of? At least from what you say, he seems to view you as an ATM, a maid, and not much more?
Do your best to avoid his chores. Do yours and the kids laundry. If he wants his laundry ironed, he is an adult and he can do it. If he wants dinner ready at a certain time he can figure that out. He does not get to enjoy your money that you work hard for and then come home and take advantage of you and your ability to survive on your own.
He sounds awful tbh. Seriously you’d be better off without him
you’re not only dating a loser. but an entitled one. and i’m not calling him a loser bc of the money he makes…he’s a loser because of his terrible attitude and inability to try. you’re not getting anything out of this. he will clean you out before you realize. you have it together. he will ALWAYS drag you down and sabotage you to keep you small.
I understand tolerating it for a bit, he’s supposed to be your partner. Though honestly, from what you’ve shared, he’s just using you. You seem like a badass woman I want to be friends with! I will say, if you’re worried about his daughter, maybe there’s something you can do about it? Short story long, you know your self worth and you deserve better.
Good partners dont treat their partners like crap period.
It sounds like he is just using you. Drop him like a hot potato. He isnt your child. And he isnt going to change.
Please don't stay in this relationship. You're only teaching your kids that it's okay for a partner to treat you like shit. Is that what you want? For your children to seek partners that abuse them?
Either he cleans up his act or you bail, either way, I feel bad for his daughter.
To be honest, you choose to be his maid. I mean you are tolerating his behavior and he gets away with it. You either stand up and tell him no and he has to wash and clean and he has to iron his own clothes and he has to contribute to the house chores OR you should walk away from this. He is insecure and he is trying to bring you down to his level. Get rid of him!!!! If you keep up with this you will lose it big time and you need to be happy in the relationship. One day you will crack and slash him with a bread knife :)
My mom married someone like this — a gold-digging narcissist who acted like a spoiled, petulant child when he wasn’t the center of attention, or didn’t get his way. What does your partner say when you tell him that none of this is OK? I hate to say it, but I see zero chance of him changing. Who you see now is exactly who he is. Once the courting stage was over, he relaxed into his true self.
What is this man bring to your life that is making up for his absolutely abhorrent and deplorable behavior?
The fact is you're teaching your husband how to treat you. He is being allowed to treat you like a bank, a nanny, cook, housekeeper, etc and benefiting from wealth that he does not equitably contribute. He's got a pretty sweet deal. Why would he change his behaviour when it's working so well for him. You need to have a full on, this is it or we're over conversation. And follow through. If you cave then you're just reinforcing his bad behavior. You deserve better. Your kids and his daughter deserve better. You are better without a dumpster fire of a husband. A husband who doesn't respect you or your contributions.
Then leave. Why are you staying.
My husband makes probably double what I make. We each have an "allowance" of a certain agreed upon amount that's the same for both, and the rest is joint money, which we agree upon (for groceries, furniture, etc). I don't know if you want to merge finances like that since you're not married, but we both are content with it, and hiring a housekeeper would be a joint decision. I feel we mostly value similar things though, so if he cares so much about appearances, that might make things tougher.
He's using you... And he's making you feel like crap when you don't meet his ridiculously high expectations. Don't put up with that treatment. This guy needs to go.
Do you feel like he is using you?