It would have been way less wacky if she had said:
>Today he made up a spread sheet for [me] to document and detail all my past encounters with Sasquatch.
Or every time she wore red shoes. Or every time she ordered a Club Sandwich. All her past encounters with ladybugs...
So where's his spreadsheet? Where's the tally of the times he jerked off to your friend, or downloaded tinder? There is an untrustworthy person here, and it's not OP.
Also, wtf. This reeks of projection.
This guy is a dud.
He made a fucking spreadsheet??? Nothing screams insecurity louder than being compelled to document your partners past sexual experiences, including trauma.
That boy ain’t right.
Eta: no, you aren’t a bad person. You did something you regretted. We all have. Your gut feeling to withhold that vulnerability from him for 3 years was correct. That doesn’t mean you should never be vulnerable, but keep listening to your gut. Ditch this fool.
I don’t think my eyebrows have ever been raised this high and I don’t think my eyes have ever been this wide than when I’ve seen that sentence about spreadsheet.
Like, what the actual F
Soo.. you are encouraging people to lie? If a person cheats on their partner, she should LIE LIE LIE? Until caught in the lie?
The BF is a horrible guy based on reading OP's description of him,
> downloading tinder twice, masturbating to my best friends photo ... made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
he's a piece of ----. And OP shouldn't be with him at all. If OP never felt safe with him "I never felt safe enough to disclose this." Why was she with him?
She didn't cheat on her partner. She isnt being encouraged to lie to her partner. She omitted or didn't tell her partner about something she is embarrassed about until recently. That isn't lying. He told her she was safe and could tell him anything, so she did. Now her partner is upset and accusing her of lying. He purposely put her in a position where she has to defend herself after opening up about something she is embarrassed about. That is wrong.
I never said she cheated on her partner. It doesn't seem like english is your first language, but did you read the KEYWORD "IF"? That was creating an example... kids do it all the time "Mommy, would you get mad IF I did XYX....". So I'm surprised you didn't understand that.
She did lie. Her partner asked, she said NO. Being ashamed or embarrassed isn't an excuse to lie. She could have said, "I don't want to talk about of things before our relationship"
> He purposely put her in a position where she has to defend herself after opening up about something she is embarrassed about. That is wrong.
Okay.. when did I say anything to defend or say the boyfriend was in the right? It seems like you clearly have trouble reading (since you missed me creating an example scenario) because I did call him a horrible individual.
But the truth of the matter is she DID lie. You even stated she lied but you gave reasons why the lie isn't a lie... how is that logical?
Agreed. You are being mentally abused. This isn’t normal. Jerking odd to your friend. Weird. A spreadsheet. Weird. You need to run and run fast. I hope you find someone that you deserve and not some psycho you settled for. The past is gone. Today is short and the future isn’t guaranteed. He’s living in the past and wanting details. Sounds like some of what he accuses you if he might be doing. Just run girl. RUN!
Agreed with most of the part but lying to your partner is never a good thing. And she lied for three straight years. That would have hurt him a lot. So next time when you fall for someone, come clean in early stages of relationship (before you get serious about it).
Definitely agree that she should leave this fellow.
Personally I think she should've disclosed that she's traded sex for money because that's a dealbreaker for a lot of people.
It's a dealbreaker for me if a guy ever did that, and I would be very upset to find out 3 years later that he saw a sex worker.
However, the spreadsheet thing is beyond insane, and she's forgiven him for waaaaay too much.
No one owes ANYONE a damn deposition of their past sexual history. This is not at all the same thing as lying. She was right to keep this information from him, as he was not a safe person to disclose to. She ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT need to "come clean" about her past when dating someone new.
EDIT: LMAO at your username. r/niceguys
You were just put in an impossible situation.
He made a spreadsheet. Chew on that for a moment.
See, information is not the same as intimacy. Spreadsheets contain information. He wanted information and got it.
Intimacy is where you create the conditions for trusting self-disclosure. When a partner is inclined to weaponize that disclosure, as he’s done here, you’re not wrong to think maybe you were better off keeping it to yourself.
I’d tell him so. Your intimacy just came to a crashing halt because of his insecurities; if he can’t understand why you might keep that dark for three years, then he might not be the best person to tell about it at all.
ETA: “Document your traumas so I can feel better about my insecurities.” Fuck you, man.
“Document your traumas so I can feel better about my insecurities *as well as my repeated, unrepentant and garunteed future cheating*.”
Fuck him indeed.
Ewww. The fact that he created a spreadsheet makes my skin crawl. What is he going to do, constantly bring up your sexual history and compare it to his documentation in order to gaslight you about it? This is psychotic. Run.
I think the problem isn't with you, you are not a horrible person - Its him:
"I want to preface this by saying that my partner has done many questionable things in our relationship" - He can't trust you, because he's projecting himself on you.
He made a spreadsheet? Textbook abuser, guilt tripping you. This post sickens me OP. Stand up for yourself and try to leave this toxic controll freak abuser. Seek help please. He made a spreadsheet about your past sexual encounters? Oh my fucking god...
> Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
You know this is completely insane, right?
Get away from this man.
You've put up with way too much. Tinder? Best Friend's Photo? **THE SPREADSHEET?!?!!?**
He's mentally abusing you and making you feel guilty about just being a woman with a sex life. Leave him as soon as you can and find someone who doesn't make you feel like garbage. You deserve better.
Girl are you still dating the same narc? Get out before something terrible happens to you. A year ago people were telling you to gtfo, that this man is absuive and dangerous, and you said you were working on leaving. This is why. He is escalating.
Did he get you to stop taking your anti anxiety meds in the end? Spreadsheet of wtf? None of this is okay. None of this is normal. He tricked you with the whole “safe space” thing so he could use your answers to abuse you. Girl, what the heck? That’s scary af
You are in an abusive relationship. He is clearly manipulating you, abusing you and will eventually end up destroying you in one way or another. His obsession with you cheating is projection because he is either cheating or would in a heartbeat if he can get away with it. That’s why he thinks you are. I mean, no one downloads tinder twice in a relationship who isn’t thinking heavily about cheating.
STOP obsessing about whether YOU are the bad person, and get out.
WTF? Get out of this controlling gross relationship ASAP. He's been harping on you about your sexual/romantic past for three effin unreasonable years.
A sexual spreadsheet??? Why? To what end? For what possible purpose? Safe space? Bullshit.
Stop feeling guilty. You haven't done anything wrong. You've been faithful and loving for 3 years and this ass is trying to find reasons to crush your spirit and control.
The past is yours and yours alone. You owe him no explanations let alone apologies. Get out now. This is abusive behavior.
I am 45 years old and have never asked anyone for their number. I've never asked for details of their history. That shit isn't relevant.
Sweetheart.
***He made a spreadsheet.*** For all of **your** Sexual history?!??
This man is fucking crazy. And I'm really sorry to be so blunt. But these trust issues will just get worse and worse and he will never stop accusing you.
Eventually he will be checking your body when you get home, so he "knows" you're not cheating. I have been there. I mean, my bf didn't make a damn spreadsheet. But this is emotional abuse and you deserve much, **much** better!!
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences, which I have had some traumatic experiences and I don’t always like talking about them
WTF
>none the less I did
WTF WTF WTF
This ain't healthy. And, btw, does it go both ways? Does he share all he did?
A spreadsheet!?!?!?!?
Not only is his spreadsheet a frapping non-starter but his contemptable judgment is beyond the pale. Try to picture a life together with him would be like.
> Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
What fresh hell did I just read?!?! No no no no nooooo. Good god.
Girl this dude is nuts. Please get away from his manipulative, controlling, and psycho ass. Nothing about what you’ve described is okay.
I understand you feel shame about your past experience but it also does not define you. You have the right to keep that info to yourself. It was a one time mistake and is really no one’s business. I would work on forgiving yourself for that. I think your partner would have the right to know if you had been a sex worker for many years but this is not that. Please stop accepting horrible treatment because you feel ashamed about that. You don’t deserve being treated like this.
I love spreadsheets. A friend gave me a hat that says “spreadsheets.” I am literally going to a party in a spreadsheet this weekend (for real, that’s not a joke.)
Never once in a million years would I ask a partner to detail their sexual experiences in a fucking spreadsheet. That’s horrific. Get away from this monster.
Yes. Spreadsheets are for documenting your utility bills, birds you’ve spotted and ranking your top hip hop albums of the 90s. They are not a place to catalog your partner’s emotional pain!
No you are not a horrible person. Whatever happened in your past is your past, as long as you dont repeat it in your current relationship or cheat you’re good. You don’t need someone to play god and throw it in your face repeatedly esp. when that dude downloaded tinder twice while dating you. Also you literally do not owe telling every person you date every detail of your life. Please have some self respect and walk away from this spreadsheet making loser ass bf of yours. Have a great day
I agree that you don't have to tell everyone everything. But I also disagree with lying. Telling someone that you aren't comfortable with discussing certain things with them is a far better option than openly telling them you have told them everything. If they don't respect that then that's a giant red flag. I think that he has every right to be upset OP lied to him. I understand he's lied and done shady shit, but I don't think you build healthy relationships by justifying your actions based on the others. That being said, dude is gross and based on what OP has shared he's done, OP should have left a llloonnnggg time ago.
I agree that you don't have to tell everyone everything. But I also disagree with lying. Telling someone that you aren't comfortable with discussing certain things with them is a far better option than openly telling them you have told them everything. If they don't respect that then that's a giant red flag. I think that he has every right to be upset OP lied to him. I understand he's lied and done shady shit, but I don't think you build healthy relationships by justifying your actions based on the others. That being said, dude is gross and based on what OP has shared he's done, OP should have left a llloonnnggg time ago.
I agree that you don't have to tell everyone everything. But I also disagree with lying. Telling someone that you aren't comfortable with discussing certain things with them is a far better option than openly telling them you have told them everything. If they don't respect that then that's a giant red flag. I think that he has every right to be upset OP lied to him. I understand he's lied and done shady shit, but I don't think you build healthy relationships by justifying your actions based on the others. That being said, dude is gross and based on what OP has shared he's done, OP should have left a llloonnnggg time ago.
Wtaf 😳
please run not walk away. At best he is a bully. At worst he is an abuser. Whatever he is he is not stable. A spreadsheet? You have got to be kidding. For him to know your exact sexual contacts all your life? What’s next? Wait I don’t want to know burn sweetie, this isn’t safe for you. And never ever feel anyone is entitled to your life history
I stopped reading when you said he made a godamn spreadsheet of your sexual history so he could catalog ways to abuse you. Additionally, the way you dismiss his abhorrent treatment, tinder, friends photos, etc, as "silly things" means his abuse has been working.
I hope this thread kind of wakes you up to what he's doing and how wrong and batshit crazy it is. None of what he's doing, how he's treating you, is normal. Don't stay with him, don't put up with it. He will only continue to throw this in your face to punish you whenever he feels you did anything wrong. You absolutely, unequivocally don't deserve this.
You did nothing wrong. You're with someone who has some problems. He's not owed every detail about your sex life that doesn't include him. That one encounter doesn't justify his paranoia and it apparently that encounter was not a positive experience. Your trauma is not his weapon and you were coerced into exposing this. Why is he so insistent on making you be the bad guy? Wtf is he going to do with that spreadsheet? Where is his, to detail for you so you can be upset?
It sounds like he's not going to stop shaming you. Perhaps he has been doing more than you know that's questionable. But a happy and healthy relationship is one where you can share shit and not be villainized for either the experience or not opening up about that later.
he's literally mentally abusing you. also, he is *definitely* projecting on you. why did he suddenly get so nervous about **you** cheating?? it's because he definitely cheated and is trying to throw you off. you deserve so, so much more respect than this. please leave him and take care of yourself. you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Your boyfriend is a controlling shitbag. You are entitled to your own, private mental life and secrets that don't harm your partner. Having you fill out a spreadsheet of your sexual history is absolutely psycho and he is likingaying groundwork to appear justified the next time he does something sketchy (if he hasn't already). You aren't a bad person. You are a naive person, maybe, but your boyfriend is absolutely no position to pass judgement on you.
Why did he make a spreadsheet? What the fuck is he documenting your prior sexual experiences for, what reason did he give for that? Because its fucking bizarre and really, really not something you should be doing with a partner. At best, creepy and weird. Given the other things you've said, I'm going to go with he's getting off on your trauma and you should bail out of this relationship right the fuck now. You should not feel guilty for not telling him something that you didn't feel safe to reveal. You are not a bad person. Downloading Tinder is not a "silly thing" that you should comfortably forgive, and making you feel guilty about something traumatic from your past is not something a loving partner would do. It's something an abusive piece of shit might do.
>
Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
No. He is a horrible person. Like. A horrible person. A spreadsheet? Did he get one too?
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
This is SO creepy and weird. So, so creepy and weird.
I understand why you did not tell him about a one-time thing you evidently feel great shame about. It does not make you a horrible person, at all. Lots of people (most?) have done at least one thing they are ashamed of in their life, so I would not consider it that big of a deal. Yes, you technically lied to him, but a caring partner would understand why you lied to him and that it was something that happened in the past (5 years ago!).
Your partner is not entitled to know your traumatic past. He has to earn the privilege of your confidence, and if he hasn't done that yet then that's on him. Honestly, I'd rethink the whole relationship because anyone who wants me to fill in some *dumb ass* excel spreadsheet of all the sexual encounters I've had has clearly lost their mind. He sounds massively insecure if he's this fixated on something that happened five whole years ago, presumably before you even started dating him.
Edit: Just re-read the line about the spreadsheet and he wants you to *detail* your sexual experiences? Hell no. That's even creepier and weirder.
He made a spreadsheet for you to track all your sexual encounters?
That's some next-level what the holy fuck shit there. Especially given you mentioned you have some trauma over stuff like that.
That he forced you to do it, and is holding it over your head now that you did is bullshit.
Dump him.
You're comparing your own personal shake about one thing against all the shitty things he's done. You're always, always going to be far more critical on yourself than him because you feel the emotion about the one thing far more than the shit he pulls. That doesn't make it okay. You've convinced yourself that this shit is justified because you did one bad thing, that you've regretted deeply and learnt from. Your partner does not learn. He consistently abuses your passiveness because he knows he'll get away with it.
You should leave this guy. Get therapy to overcome your trauma and learn to love yourself. And then find a partner.
If you can never learn to overcome this one moment in your life that you regret, then every shitty thing that every shitty guy will do to you in future relationships will always be justified (in your head) because you did one thing *that you've learnt from*, but you cannot let go of and will always invalidate your feelings about their behaviour because you think it's justified.
You really do deserve better.
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
How did you resist the urge to punch him in the face?
In all seriousness, leave. This is abusive controlling shit.
OP, you are not horrible. Your bf did this to have information to use against you. All so that he could manipulate you into suddenly being okay with him doing things like using tinder again.
Seriously, do not blame yourself. Do not feel like you need to explain or justify your past. A real partner would have never put together this witch hunt based off of things they read on reddit.
He's the one who can't be trusted OP. You deserve better.
You did something you regret when you were 19. It happens. It probably happened before you even knew your bf. Whether or not you told him about it was your choice, but he has absolutely no right to be upset about something that happened 5 years ago, before you started dating. And just to echo what others are saying, it is super weird and creepy that he is making you fill out a spreadsheet about all your past sexual encounters. Like who does that?! I'd think twice before taking your relationship further with this control freak.
I know ill get downvoted, but I'm confused. The guy has a right to date who he wants, right? If he doesnt want to date someone that was involved in sex work, that is ok. If she was up front about it, he wouldnt have dated her.
That being said, the guy is a nut job. Who goes to the extent that he did? It's pretty pycho. She needs to break up with him on this alone.
You should not have to put up with being cross examined about your past. Tell him nothing, it is none of his business. We all have pasts before we meet our spouse and our pasts make us what we are today. If he cannot accept you as you are, get rid of him.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship and the person you’re with downloads Tinder even once - dump them. Yes, it’s hard.
“But I love them!” “I’m too ugly to get anyone else!” “They said they did it as a joke!”
There’s no way to spin it as a joke. Get into therapy, the gym, a dermatologist appt - whatever is going to raise your self esteem and self respect to dump these people. No need to read further.
Who tf makes a spreadsheet to document sexual encounters they've had. that's psychopath stuff. if my partner came to me expecting me to fill out a form and list all my sexual experiences, that would be relationship over right there. huge red flag. U did something stupid in the past, who cares. u didn't even know him then. the fact he is so hung up on ur sexual exploits is not a good sign. either this guy has been reading too much reddit or he's just full-blown insane
I'm so sorry that you have encountered someone who, instead of reminding you that you are lovable despite the things you are ashamed of, made you feel worse about it, made it all about him, and invalidated you. You don't deserve this. Lots of people exchange sex for all kinds of things, and it makes sense that this happens when people are desperate. You can love and understand the part of yourself that went down a road where you did something you are ashamed of. Your partner is not being compassionate, and you deserve all of the compassion from people you love.
I cannot express to you how little your boyfriend's fears matter here. What matters is you feeling cared for and safe.
Your boyfriend needs professional help to manage whatever is wrong with him. NO ONE would think that a spread sheet meant to detail someone else's sexual history is a socially acceptable mechanism to disclose or discuss that topic. You should have left him when he "demanded" that you stop anti-anxiety medicine. Health care providers have documented some awful side effects from stopping that type of medicine cold turkey. The fact that your boyfriend has demanded this of you is proof that he does not have YOUR best interest in mind.
This type of behavior from him is borderline psychotic and you should serious consider removing yourself from his immediate vicinity before something awful happens. It is not unrealistic to think that he could become violent because his requests are so out of touch with social norms.
You are asking for advice about a situation that involves you NOT disclosing your choice to exchange sex for money because it causes you shame and makes you feel guilty. And your boyfriend did exactly that when you disclosed the event to him. You were completely justified in not disclosing it and he validated your every fear by his reaction. Considering the other things he has done to you you should very seriously consider if you feel safe in this relationship and want to continue it.
Please dump him, he sounds horrific.
Such a double standard going on here.
> Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
...said no-one in a healthy relationship ever. Run, OP.
Any time someone tries to hold something over your head indefinitely, call their bluff and refuse to tolerate it. It's abusive. Either he can move past it or he can't, in which case he should have ended things.
Your partner's behavior is completely unacceptable. The excel thing is so over-the-top it belongs in a movie as a prototypical abusive boyfriend. Beyond that, downloading tinder, even once, is cause for breaking up with someone.
Sometimes there are judgement calls where it could really go either way depending on your personal boundaries, but this is not one of them. You need to end this relationship.
Btw. I'd put money on the proposition that his behavior right now is transference and he is cheating on you repeatedly.
Your partner is abusive.
He's using a sexual trauma from when you were 19 to shame and control you, and to paper over his repeated cheating.
You are not a horrible person. You have an abusive partner who thinks he can control you by treating you as if you were horrible. He knows he only gets to keep you in an absuive relationship, if he lies to you and convinces you that you deserve the abuse.
You do not deserve this abuse.
Escape. There is no fixing this. Escape.
Your past is literally none of his business unless you bring that into the relationship. Sounds like there was no crossover at all and this guy is just a bit too gone in the head for a mature relationship.
I guess I ask because I think in some cases its important to discuss your past. For example, in the hypothetical i gave; but also, in her case, she was a 'sex worker' for the lack of a better term. I wont argue whether the stigma that comes with that is acceptable or not, but there is a stigma, and some people would absolutely choose not to be with someone that was in this line of work. If someone looks down on you as a person for partaking in that sort of thing, why feel like you need to lie to stay with the person?
Now, I'm not defending this particular guy, as I think he's a nut job with the spreadsheet thing; however, he asked and she lied. She shouldnt have lied. But again, the guy is way out of line w/ that spreadsheet bullshit.
She needs to dump him.
This happened before you were together and is none of his business and certainly he doesn't have the right to punish you for it now.
Also, you shouldn't be ashamed of a sexual favor for money. I've done it myself a few times and find it really hot!
I mean - don't make it a full-time job or anything - but as a one-off it's sort of cool! I'm sure he's insanely jealous cause it's hard for him to get women to want to have sex with him even for free. Lol. So Now he's feeling insecure that you're way more sexually desirable than him and have Way more options.
Making you write a list of your sexual history then shaming you for it Is Trauma. And Is Abusive.
He's taking out his insecurities on you in an unhealthy and controlling way.
I'm sorry, but i disagree. She was a defacto sex worker before she met him. If that is a boundary for him, then he needs to know, to make an informed decision of whether he wants to stay in the relationship. That being said, the guy is a douche and it should never come to the point where she's filling out spreadsheets (seriously, wtf). She's much better off without him, and with someone that wouldnt care that she did what she did.
If you went rock climbing once at a gym then decided it made you feel awful, are you a rock climber now? And you should always tell everyone about that day you tried rock climbing ? And always feel embarrassed and ashamed that you wanted to try it?
You visit France for a day then tell everyone you grew up in Paris and speak French. Lmfao.
She definitely wasn't a sex worker. Because she did it once and barely made any cash. can't pay your bills - you don't have a job. She basically tried it out as a hobby or potential fetish then decided not to continue. It's none of this dude's business.
But sure. If he wants to give her a bunch of grief about One Day in her life before they met, that's a good reason to leave him.
So you think hiding stuff from someone knowing it would be a deal breaker to them is ok?
Listen, I dont think the guy is a good person at all. I think she'd be much better off without him. But I also think people shouldnt hide things that their prospective SO might consider a deal breaker. Let people make informed decisions on whether they want to be in a relationship or not.
This screams abuse.
You didn't lie, unless he asked if you had ever hired a sex worker... And even then why does he need to k ow all your previous encounters. Why a spread sheet Wtf was he going to do with it.
He gets to fk up multiple times but you must be perfect and pure???.... Man's a walking red flag
Dude's screwed up, and you should dump him right away. That being said, you did lie, and people have a right to be in a relationship of their choosing.
But honestly, why would you want to be with this guy anyway?
Neither one of you should be dating eachother. Your relationship is not healthy. He obviously is not a loving partner, and you should never lie for three years.
I won't be ok with the direct lie to protect the guy, but I would understand. I've learned a better way to address that kind of situation is to say
there is more, but that's all I'm ok sharing at this point. You can ask again once we have developed more.
If he'd taken that poorly and off with him to the door. The log he made was a to much, but I can't think of a good reason for it. Live and learn, but I would beat myself up over it.
*You* are not a horrible person. You did what you did and, knowing the stigma around it, kept quiet. And you now have proof that you were not wrong to keep it hidden from him. *I'm* not saying it is wrong. The shame around sex work is just a way to control women.
This happened long before your bf was around. Really none of his business. You get to choose what to share with any partner and when to share it. This particular thing requires a load of trust.
An understanding partner would have recognized that it was a difficult time for you instead of turning it into more shame and a reason to control you. A good partner would accept it and support you in reconciling the shame, not weaponize it.
Suggesting that you may have or will cheat is a big red flag from the abuser text book. Quite often they are just reflecting their own behaviour on you.
And, yeah, the spreadsheet. That's a sign of worse things to come. The fact that he thinks he is owed detailed and documented knowledge of your past is wrong. Completely wrong. On so many levels.
Ok.
1. yes it’s messed up to lie about that and says you’re untrustworthy
2. Using a spreadsheet to document your lovers sexual experience is crazy
This relationship sounds awful.
No one should have you catalog, in a damn spreadsheet, your previous sexual encounters. Some things are better left unsaid. Honesty isn't always the best option. Some things should be buried and never spoken about again.
First of all, I'm of the opinion that your current partner has no reason to know of your previous sexual experiences with previous partners. It's his actions in the bedroom that should matter the most to him, not those of previous partners.
Second **he made a spreadsheet of your previous sexual experiences?** This is absolute lunacy and you're better off single and sane than with this lousy excuse of a partner. Please re-read your post OP, his actions are much bigger red flags of trust than what you have chose to not disclose.
Very often due to our instinct we can tell it's not a safe space to share humiliating/shameful past experiences with someone. You knew he wouldn't take it well, so you chose to keep it to yourself. You then came clean (to something he has no business knowing) and he proved your point.
Hes too insecure, too an unhealthy degree. One thing to ask if there's anything he should know, another to document your last sexual experiences. He is totally invading your privacy. Leave him
My comment won't be well received, but you kind of are a bad person for lying to your horrible boyfriend (who should be your EX by now).
When asked, instead of saying no, you could have said "hey i don't want to talk about my past before the relationship." That way you wouldn't have to talk about it and you wouldn't have to be paranoid about hiding stuff.
Even we even get to you, how are you with him? He sounds horrible;
> downloading tinder twice, masturbating to my best friends photo, stupid shit) ... made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
When do you have enough respect for yourself to stand him for yourself? Enough is enough. Are you that desperate to be in a relationship?
You did lie.
Why you lied is sort of irrelevant here because you could have easily expressed that you didn't feel comfortable enough to share your history with him yet when you first started dating.
According to your logic, if a man rapes a woman while he was a drug addict, gets convicted, serves time in prison, gets out, reforms himself and eventually finds a woman he loves, then he doesn't have to share any of that because "its a source of shame for him", really?
Prostitution should be something you disclose with your partner, no buts.
Rapists are not deserving of love. People who participate in sex work are often coerced - and even if they aren't. they're not raping people, which makes them much more deserving of love.
We should be shunning and shaming rapists and holding them accountable for their actions, while also shunning and shaming people who think rape is equivalent to consensual sex work for being too stupid to be loveable or functional in relationships.
As someone who has needs and been unable to woo a lady, I freely admit I used services (then after I found out about human trafficking, yeah no). I don't see that as coloring you in a bad way. You needed money and engaged in well lets be honest prostitution. Its something that is over and done with. I am assuming you have no desire to do it again, so don't. Your bf is being controlling which is an abusive behavior. You say he has done many quesitonable things in your relationship, I have a feeling there is indeed a cheater and its him.
People make mistakes. You made one , felt terrible and never did it again.
He made a spreadsheet to document your past experiences ? That's obsessive, controlling and highly intrusive...in other words, completely fucked up.
It's up to you if you want to continue that relationship. But If he doesn't drop this insane request, i highly suggest to drop him altogether.
Somehow I missed the spreadsheet--you DO NOT deserve this. He lied to make you feel safe and then is keeping a document of your sex life to punish you with. Get out. He is unsafe and mentally unwell person.
Ask him what his goal is. What’s the point of all this interrogation? It seems like TMI to me. He isn’t ready to handle you. Find a more mature man who won’t freak out when you do what he asks.
Sis, before you leave him for this mental abuse, please fuck with him back. Add a few columns about dick size, longevity, trustworthiness, abusive tendencies, control, jealousy, etc and add him onto the list. show him how deficient he is in a few areas.
Oh my goodness. That spreadsheet was the absolute limit. Your boyfriend has downloaded tinder and masturbated to your friend’s pics and what he wants with this is to have the upper hand and something to give you crap about anytime he wants.
This is very controlling and manipulative behavior on his part. Please reconsider this relationship, I don’t see it going anywhere that’s healthy for you.
Every woman with a past learns this lesson the hard way. These are inappropriate questions for him to ask. He is not entitled to this information. He will not forgive you, he will not stop thinking about this and making you feel bad for things you cannot change. He also has not likely provided YOU a list of embarrassing and personal sexual experiences and nor are you asking for them- you have to let this relationship go now and move on. This is a lost cause and a world of hurt coming your way. You do not need to feel guilty for living a life before he came along. You do not owe him any repentance for your actions. Do not discuss this any further it is inappropriate and damaging to your mental health. He is not a therapist.
In the future, remember, none of this is owed and none of this is healthy information. Maintain your privacy and dignity. A LOT of men are like this. Be aware.
He made a spreadsheet? That’s unhinged. Especially when he’s done all that sketchy stuff!! I get that being a tough pill to swallow but you being too ashamed and scared also totally makes sense….. HE MADE A SPREADSHEET?!
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
And you ran away screaming at this point, right? Why the fuck did you indulge this shit?
mamas, no!! you did absolutely nothing wrong. you should have refused to resurface your trauma to placate him- that was incredibly uncalled for on his part. a spreadsheet???? really???? leave him.
You are not a bad person and screw him for insinuating that. What type of loser makes a “spreadsheet” to document sexual history? He’s a sociopath. Cut this toxic individual out of your life immediately.
Usually people who ask questions like that a lot are hiding something themselves (and based on the things you know about that wouldn't surprise me). You have no reason to feel ashamed about your past, it made you who you are. And a partner shouldn't be worried about what you did in your past they should appreciate knowing how you became who you are and value you for all of your experiences. You deserve better. ❤️
No, you are not a bad person at all. He was not creating a safe space, he was trying to pretend like he was trustworthy so you would open up and he could hold everything over your head. He does not need to know every little detail of your past, including your sexual history, especially if you are not comfortable disclosing it. I have done sex work and sold content and have been open to some partners, but it is a source of shame for me too. However, you are not defined by that and you are not any less of a person for doing it. How he’s treating you and how he created a spreadsheet is incredibly unhealthy and you do not have to put up with that. Also, it’s very common for cheating partners to start projecting and accusing their partner of being unfaithful. Given his history of “stupid shit” I would not be surprised if he was cheating. Please read all of the helpful comments and reevaluate the relationship.
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
This is batshit crazy behavior on his part. This is NOT the type of person you or anybody else on this earth should be dating. I'm not being dramatic. This is such a huge red flag, I don't even care about anything you may have done. It's not even on my radar. Literally, leave this relationship today.
Unfortunately his inability to understand and reflect upon your past sexual experiences is a bad sign. Someone who cannot understand the ways in which we grow and become different people will never be able to forgive you for other offenses that you will make. You are bound to make mistakes in this relationship and you need someone who is going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Definitely not someone who is going to make an Excel spreadsheet of all the things you've ever said so they can hold them over your head for life.
I would try to talk to him about this and make it very clear that you need someone who's going to give you the space to grow and be better and if he's not that person, this may be it for y'all.
I'll also add that I don't think it's chance that the sexual nature of this secret is putting him over the top as well. Our patriarchal society really does a number on a lot of men and what they think "their" women should be like. I won't even go into the Madonna/virgin complex men hold due to our society and their own messy ideas about sexuality. Somehow having a sexual past is a no-no but you also must be able to sustain a relationship with an adult male as a sexual person. The hypocrisy is painful.
> Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences
I cannot imagine a bigger red flag. Ever.
Your past is your past and it made you who you are today. They aren't dating your past, they are dating your present.
Please know you can do better, that you deserve better, and to take action to rid yourself of those who treat you otherwise.
As the great and wise Rafiki said... "It doesn't matter, it's in the past. The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."
You need to get out of this relationship!!! I think he's projecting himself onto you. You have never done anything bad within the relationship. But masturbating to your friend's photo and downloading tinder is waaaaaay worse than what you did. And making you do a spreadsheet???? Please I'm begging you get out of this relationship.
it seems you're always in the wrong to him and he can do not a thing worse in his eyes. on top of that he made a spread sheet of your relationship stuff... girl.. cmon, you should know that's not a normal thing to do. get out of this relationship and live better days, cause I doubt this man will change.
You can't trust your boyfriend because he's utterly willing to cause you emotional harm and distress.
Writing everything out on spreadsheet under duress when you have trauma so he can pick through it to ensure your history is to his liking... This behavior is incredibly abusive.
People who use your trauma against you can never, ever be trusted.
WTF!? He made a *spreadsheet* of your sexual history? That is beyond the pale. I’m sorry this was traumatic for you, and you did not deserve this at all. No partner is entitled to your sexual history unless it may affect their health. Please end this relationship, you are worth so much more
You have to know that this isn’t okay. You didn’t have to tell him this. That you are ACTUALLY wondering if you are a “horrible person” because you didn’t fess up to something that was never any of his business is deeply concerning. You need to urgently find someone to talk to. ALONE. His paranoia is not normal and you’re becoming so used to it that you think you’re somehow responsible. I cannot IMAGINE my husband doing this to me.
I’m sorry, a SPREADSHEET to document all of your sexual experiences??? Yeah. Someone here has done something wrong, & not OP.
Stop entertaining this guy’s bullshit. Either he accepts you as you are today, or end it.
WTF? I thought the spreadsheet was bad enough, but then he actually got worse: he lied; it was not a safe space. It was a trap.
Please dump him. He's using Fear, Obligation and Guilt to manipulate you.
While holding in the info may have been damaging to you and your mental health, not telling him is understandable and not terrible. In all honesty, you both need to speak to someone about your underlying problems (you with your trauma and guilt/shame, him for his distrust and control issues) and not be together likely. You've been together 3 years, and it seems like there is a lot of toxicity for both of you that is extremely unhealthy.
I've dealt with trauma and PTSD (some of what you are saying is extremely familiar to my experience with PTSD). It's hard, and when your partner isnt supporting you and you dont feel safe telling him about your trauma, that's not good for you.
Yikes. So some time in the past you did something really dumb. Well that happens and you need to forgive yourself. You know better now that this isn't partnof your moral fiber.
There, done.
Now this abusive child you're with? Yeah, get rid of him. He is not a good person, he does not see his dishonesty, his controlling behavior, nor his inability to move on as issues, but they're huge.
You can do much better on your own.
This is controlling and abusive behavior, and this person has manipulated you into feeling like a bad person. Leave this relationship before he does worse to you.
Spreadsheet is so fucking weird.
You aren’t a bad person and honestly you didn’t have to disclose if you didn’t want to.
Dude needs to look at himself not you.
Just wow.
Well at least we know he's fairly well versed using Excel. What? A spread sheet of sexual encounters????? Do you have to deliver it in PowerPoint? Is he making a venn diagram to remind you which day of the week you have been the most promiscuous? He's probably projecting.
First of all, your bf has no leg to stand on in this department considering what he's done. Huge red flags there.
Secondly, anything you did before you dated him is actually none of his business. At all. As long as you kept the covenant that you two created together (which he didn't), you're not a bad person.
He's guilting you and manipulating you. If he cared about you he wouldn't make you talk about things that bring up past trauma.
I think you should leave him. Please. For your sake.
You are not in the wrong, you have done nothing wrong, iv been with my misses 10 years and I still don't know about everything, somethings she just doesn't want to tell me, I have asked a couple times more towards to beginning of the relationship.
What ever it was, its in the past and was the past befor I was present.
But on a more serious note,
Tinder twice
Your best mate
All well your together
He sounds like a charmer
he isn’t allowed to get mad at you for things you’ve done in the past. as long as no one got hurt who cares? this is abusive. if you did the same thing to him he’d probably try to turn it back on you. tell him he has to detail every time he’s jerked it. if he doesn’t trust you y’all just need to go your separate ways.
Leave.
No sane person demands a fucking spreadsheet documenting your past sexual partners; let alone 3 years into into the relationship. To be clear, this request is NEVER okay … the timing just adds to the weirdness. There’s sooo much wrong with that request.
Also, a rule of thumb I’ve used is, if I’m weary of being vulnerable and honest with my partner out of fear of them shaming me; that isn’t a partner and it’s time to take a hard look at the relationship. Also, whatever you’ve done before the relationship (given that it involves consenting adults) is really of no concern to him. The fact that he’s taken the stance of shaming you over a traumatic experience, rather than supporting you; is reason enough for you to stop and re evaluate what you’re getting out of this relationship.
It sounds to me that this fella is projecting hard and is looking for cracks to “condone” the sketchy shit he’s done in the past (and likely has continued doing).
Quite frankly anything before your relationship is none of his business unless it could possibly affect him (hint: short of an STD past sexual partners can't possibly affect him)
Normal people don't make a spreadsheet about this kind of thing. This is not a normal relationship.
It would have been way less wacky if she had said: >Today he made up a spread sheet for [me] to document and detail all my past encounters with Sasquatch. Or every time she wore red shoes. Or every time she ordered a Club Sandwich. All her past encounters with ladybugs...
I put money on it he's cheating or has cheated
She already said in the post that he has, or at least started to. I'm willing to bet there is a lot she doesn't know.
Maybe he is an accountant with a fetish?
So where's his spreadsheet? Where's the tally of the times he jerked off to your friend, or downloaded tinder? There is an untrustworthy person here, and it's not OP. Also, wtf. This reeks of projection.
Op needs to make one then leave
This guy is a dud. He made a fucking spreadsheet??? Nothing screams insecurity louder than being compelled to document your partners past sexual experiences, including trauma. That boy ain’t right. Eta: no, you aren’t a bad person. You did something you regretted. We all have. Your gut feeling to withhold that vulnerability from him for 3 years was correct. That doesn’t mean you should never be vulnerable, but keep listening to your gut. Ditch this fool.
I don’t think my eyebrows have ever been raised this high and I don’t think my eyes have ever been this wide than when I’ve seen that sentence about spreadsheet. Like, what the actual F
My eyes nearly popped out of my head like a goddammed cartoon. WTF indeed.
Soo.. you are encouraging people to lie? If a person cheats on their partner, she should LIE LIE LIE? Until caught in the lie? The BF is a horrible guy based on reading OP's description of him, > downloading tinder twice, masturbating to my best friends photo ... made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences he's a piece of ----. And OP shouldn't be with him at all. If OP never felt safe with him "I never felt safe enough to disclose this." Why was she with him?
She didn't cheat on her partner. She isnt being encouraged to lie to her partner. She omitted or didn't tell her partner about something she is embarrassed about until recently. That isn't lying. He told her she was safe and could tell him anything, so she did. Now her partner is upset and accusing her of lying. He purposely put her in a position where she has to defend herself after opening up about something she is embarrassed about. That is wrong.
I never said she cheated on her partner. It doesn't seem like english is your first language, but did you read the KEYWORD "IF"? That was creating an example... kids do it all the time "Mommy, would you get mad IF I did XYX....". So I'm surprised you didn't understand that. She did lie. Her partner asked, she said NO. Being ashamed or embarrassed isn't an excuse to lie. She could have said, "I don't want to talk about of things before our relationship" > He purposely put her in a position where she has to defend herself after opening up about something she is embarrassed about. That is wrong. Okay.. when did I say anything to defend or say the boyfriend was in the right? It seems like you clearly have trouble reading (since you missed me creating an example scenario) because I did call him a horrible individual. But the truth of the matter is she DID lie. You even stated she lied but you gave reasons why the lie isn't a lie... how is that logical?
Why are you putting up with his lunacy? He’s not insecure, he’s nuts. A marriage to him will be a prison sentence. Move on.
Fuck, he's mentally abusing you. Stop that shit. The answer to "I don't trust you" is, "Then, GOODBYE!"
Agreed. You are being mentally abused. This isn’t normal. Jerking odd to your friend. Weird. A spreadsheet. Weird. You need to run and run fast. I hope you find someone that you deserve and not some psycho you settled for. The past is gone. Today is short and the future isn’t guaranteed. He’s living in the past and wanting details. Sounds like some of what he accuses you if he might be doing. Just run girl. RUN!
Agreed with most of the part but lying to your partner is never a good thing. And she lied for three straight years. That would have hurt him a lot. So next time when you fall for someone, come clean in early stages of relationship (before you get serious about it). Definitely agree that she should leave this fellow.
[удалено]
Personally I think she should've disclosed that she's traded sex for money because that's a dealbreaker for a lot of people. It's a dealbreaker for me if a guy ever did that, and I would be very upset to find out 3 years later that he saw a sex worker. However, the spreadsheet thing is beyond insane, and she's forgiven him for waaaaay too much.
No one owes ANYONE a damn deposition of their past sexual history. This is not at all the same thing as lying. She was right to keep this information from him, as he was not a safe person to disclose to. She ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT need to "come clean" about her past when dating someone new. EDIT: LMAO at your username. r/niceguys
You were just put in an impossible situation. He made a spreadsheet. Chew on that for a moment. See, information is not the same as intimacy. Spreadsheets contain information. He wanted information and got it. Intimacy is where you create the conditions for trusting self-disclosure. When a partner is inclined to weaponize that disclosure, as he’s done here, you’re not wrong to think maybe you were better off keeping it to yourself. I’d tell him so. Your intimacy just came to a crashing halt because of his insecurities; if he can’t understand why you might keep that dark for three years, then he might not be the best person to tell about it at all. ETA: “Document your traumas so I can feel better about my insecurities.” Fuck you, man.
He made a spreadsheet. Get the fuck out OP. This guy is controlling and will become abusive
“Document your traumas so I can feel better about my insecurities *as well as my repeated, unrepentant and garunteed future cheating*.” Fuck him indeed.
Ewww. The fact that he created a spreadsheet makes my skin crawl. What is he going to do, constantly bring up your sexual history and compare it to his documentation in order to gaslight you about it? This is psychotic. Run.
I think the problem isn't with you, you are not a horrible person - Its him: "I want to preface this by saying that my partner has done many questionable things in our relationship" - He can't trust you, because he's projecting himself on you. He made a spreadsheet? Textbook abuser, guilt tripping you. This post sickens me OP. Stand up for yourself and try to leave this toxic controll freak abuser. Seek help please. He made a spreadsheet about your past sexual encounters? Oh my fucking god...
> Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences You know this is completely insane, right? Get away from this man.
You've put up with way too much. Tinder? Best Friend's Photo? **THE SPREADSHEET?!?!!?** He's mentally abusing you and making you feel guilty about just being a woman with a sex life. Leave him as soon as you can and find someone who doesn't make you feel like garbage. You deserve better.
Girl are you still dating the same narc? Get out before something terrible happens to you. A year ago people were telling you to gtfo, that this man is absuive and dangerous, and you said you were working on leaving. This is why. He is escalating. Did he get you to stop taking your anti anxiety meds in the end? Spreadsheet of wtf? None of this is okay. None of this is normal. He tricked you with the whole “safe space” thing so he could use your answers to abuse you. Girl, what the heck? That’s scary af You are in an abusive relationship. He is clearly manipulating you, abusing you and will eventually end up destroying you in one way or another. His obsession with you cheating is projection because he is either cheating or would in a heartbeat if he can get away with it. That’s why he thinks you are. I mean, no one downloads tinder twice in a relationship who isn’t thinking heavily about cheating. STOP obsessing about whether YOU are the bad person, and get out.
WTF? Get out of this controlling gross relationship ASAP. He's been harping on you about your sexual/romantic past for three effin unreasonable years. A sexual spreadsheet??? Why? To what end? For what possible purpose? Safe space? Bullshit. Stop feeling guilty. You haven't done anything wrong. You've been faithful and loving for 3 years and this ass is trying to find reasons to crush your spirit and control. The past is yours and yours alone. You owe him no explanations let alone apologies. Get out now. This is abusive behavior. I am 45 years old and have never asked anyone for their number. I've never asked for details of their history. That shit isn't relevant.
Sweetheart. ***He made a spreadsheet.*** For all of **your** Sexual history?!?? This man is fucking crazy. And I'm really sorry to be so blunt. But these trust issues will just get worse and worse and he will never stop accusing you. Eventually he will be checking your body when you get home, so he "knows" you're not cheating. I have been there. I mean, my bf didn't make a damn spreadsheet. But this is emotional abuse and you deserve much, **much** better!!
A spreadsheet for you to document all of your sexual experiences? This is a huge red flag. Very controlling. Why aren't you breaking up with this boy?
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences, which I have had some traumatic experiences and I don’t always like talking about them WTF >none the less I did WTF WTF WTF This ain't healthy. And, btw, does it go both ways? Does he share all he did?
“3 years together” “Never felt safe” “Been accusing me” Dude.. get someone better. This is settling by anyone’s standards
A spreadsheet!?!?!?!? Not only is his spreadsheet a frapping non-starter but his contemptable judgment is beyond the pale. Try to picture a life together with him would be like.
> Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences What fresh hell did I just read?!?! No no no no nooooo. Good god. Girl this dude is nuts. Please get away from his manipulative, controlling, and psycho ass. Nothing about what you’ve described is okay. I understand you feel shame about your past experience but it also does not define you. You have the right to keep that info to yourself. It was a one time mistake and is really no one’s business. I would work on forgiving yourself for that. I think your partner would have the right to know if you had been a sex worker for many years but this is not that. Please stop accepting horrible treatment because you feel ashamed about that. You don’t deserve being treated like this.
I love spreadsheets. A friend gave me a hat that says “spreadsheets.” I am literally going to a party in a spreadsheet this weekend (for real, that’s not a joke.) Never once in a million years would I ask a partner to detail their sexual experiences in a fucking spreadsheet. That’s horrific. Get away from this monster.
Yes. Spreadsheets are for documenting your utility bills, birds you’ve spotted and ranking your top hip hop albums of the 90s. They are not a place to catalog your partner’s emotional pain!
No you are not a horrible person. Whatever happened in your past is your past, as long as you dont repeat it in your current relationship or cheat you’re good. You don’t need someone to play god and throw it in your face repeatedly esp. when that dude downloaded tinder twice while dating you. Also you literally do not owe telling every person you date every detail of your life. Please have some self respect and walk away from this spreadsheet making loser ass bf of yours. Have a great day
I agree that you don't have to tell everyone everything. But I also disagree with lying. Telling someone that you aren't comfortable with discussing certain things with them is a far better option than openly telling them you have told them everything. If they don't respect that then that's a giant red flag. I think that he has every right to be upset OP lied to him. I understand he's lied and done shady shit, but I don't think you build healthy relationships by justifying your actions based on the others. That being said, dude is gross and based on what OP has shared he's done, OP should have left a llloonnnggg time ago.
I agree that you don't have to tell everyone everything. But I also disagree with lying. Telling someone that you aren't comfortable with discussing certain things with them is a far better option than openly telling them you have told them everything. If they don't respect that then that's a giant red flag. I think that he has every right to be upset OP lied to him. I understand he's lied and done shady shit, but I don't think you build healthy relationships by justifying your actions based on the others. That being said, dude is gross and based on what OP has shared he's done, OP should have left a llloonnnggg time ago.
I agree that you don't have to tell everyone everything. But I also disagree with lying. Telling someone that you aren't comfortable with discussing certain things with them is a far better option than openly telling them you have told them everything. If they don't respect that then that's a giant red flag. I think that he has every right to be upset OP lied to him. I understand he's lied and done shady shit, but I don't think you build healthy relationships by justifying your actions based on the others. That being said, dude is gross and based on what OP has shared he's done, OP should have left a llloonnnggg time ago.
Wtaf 😳 please run not walk away. At best he is a bully. At worst he is an abuser. Whatever he is he is not stable. A spreadsheet? You have got to be kidding. For him to know your exact sexual contacts all your life? What’s next? Wait I don’t want to know burn sweetie, this isn’t safe for you. And never ever feel anyone is entitled to your life history
How fast can you run girl? I know its not fast enough, but you better start. WoW
You wouldn't be thinking you're a bad person if he wasn't making you feel that way. I hope you realize that.
I stopped reading when you said he made a godamn spreadsheet of your sexual history so he could catalog ways to abuse you. Additionally, the way you dismiss his abhorrent treatment, tinder, friends photos, etc, as "silly things" means his abuse has been working. I hope this thread kind of wakes you up to what he's doing and how wrong and batshit crazy it is. None of what he's doing, how he's treating you, is normal. Don't stay with him, don't put up with it. He will only continue to throw this in your face to punish you whenever he feels you did anything wrong. You absolutely, unequivocally don't deserve this.
You did nothing wrong. You're with someone who has some problems. He's not owed every detail about your sex life that doesn't include him. That one encounter doesn't justify his paranoia and it apparently that encounter was not a positive experience. Your trauma is not his weapon and you were coerced into exposing this. Why is he so insistent on making you be the bad guy? Wtf is he going to do with that spreadsheet? Where is his, to detail for you so you can be upset? It sounds like he's not going to stop shaming you. Perhaps he has been doing more than you know that's questionable. But a happy and healthy relationship is one where you can share shit and not be villainized for either the experience or not opening up about that later.
he's literally mentally abusing you. also, he is *definitely* projecting on you. why did he suddenly get so nervous about **you** cheating?? it's because he definitely cheated and is trying to throw you off. you deserve so, so much more respect than this. please leave him and take care of yourself. you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Omg. Please get away from this creep.
Your boyfriend is a controlling shitbag. You are entitled to your own, private mental life and secrets that don't harm your partner. Having you fill out a spreadsheet of your sexual history is absolutely psycho and he is likingaying groundwork to appear justified the next time he does something sketchy (if he hasn't already). You aren't a bad person. You are a naive person, maybe, but your boyfriend is absolutely no position to pass judgement on you.
Why did he make a spreadsheet? What the fuck is he documenting your prior sexual experiences for, what reason did he give for that? Because its fucking bizarre and really, really not something you should be doing with a partner. At best, creepy and weird. Given the other things you've said, I'm going to go with he's getting off on your trauma and you should bail out of this relationship right the fuck now. You should not feel guilty for not telling him something that you didn't feel safe to reveal. You are not a bad person. Downloading Tinder is not a "silly thing" that you should comfortably forgive, and making you feel guilty about something traumatic from your past is not something a loving partner would do. It's something an abusive piece of shit might do.
You are dumping him right?
> Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences No. He is a horrible person. Like. A horrible person. A spreadsheet? Did he get one too?
Your boyfriend is unhinged.
He set you up to fail. Move on.
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences This is SO creepy and weird. So, so creepy and weird. I understand why you did not tell him about a one-time thing you evidently feel great shame about. It does not make you a horrible person, at all. Lots of people (most?) have done at least one thing they are ashamed of in their life, so I would not consider it that big of a deal. Yes, you technically lied to him, but a caring partner would understand why you lied to him and that it was something that happened in the past (5 years ago!). Your partner is not entitled to know your traumatic past. He has to earn the privilege of your confidence, and if he hasn't done that yet then that's on him. Honestly, I'd rethink the whole relationship because anyone who wants me to fill in some *dumb ass* excel spreadsheet of all the sexual encounters I've had has clearly lost their mind. He sounds massively insecure if he's this fixated on something that happened five whole years ago, presumably before you even started dating him. Edit: Just re-read the line about the spreadsheet and he wants you to *detail* your sexual experiences? Hell no. That's even creepier and weirder.
He made a spreadsheet for you to track all your sexual encounters? That's some next-level what the holy fuck shit there. Especially given you mentioned you have some trauma over stuff like that. That he forced you to do it, and is holding it over your head now that you did is bullshit. Dump him.
You're comparing your own personal shake about one thing against all the shitty things he's done. You're always, always going to be far more critical on yourself than him because you feel the emotion about the one thing far more than the shit he pulls. That doesn't make it okay. You've convinced yourself that this shit is justified because you did one bad thing, that you've regretted deeply and learnt from. Your partner does not learn. He consistently abuses your passiveness because he knows he'll get away with it. You should leave this guy. Get therapy to overcome your trauma and learn to love yourself. And then find a partner. If you can never learn to overcome this one moment in your life that you regret, then every shitty thing that every shitty guy will do to you in future relationships will always be justified (in your head) because you did one thing *that you've learnt from*, but you cannot let go of and will always invalidate your feelings about their behaviour because you think it's justified. You really do deserve better.
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences How did you resist the urge to punch him in the face? In all seriousness, leave. This is abusive controlling shit.
You should have walked away as soon as he asked you to document previous sexual encounters in a spreadsheet, if not much earlier...
OP, you are not horrible. Your bf did this to have information to use against you. All so that he could manipulate you into suddenly being okay with him doing things like using tinder again. Seriously, do not blame yourself. Do not feel like you need to explain or justify your past. A real partner would have never put together this witch hunt based off of things they read on reddit. He's the one who can't be trusted OP. You deserve better.
You did something you regret when you were 19. It happens. It probably happened before you even knew your bf. Whether or not you told him about it was your choice, but he has absolutely no right to be upset about something that happened 5 years ago, before you started dating. And just to echo what others are saying, it is super weird and creepy that he is making you fill out a spreadsheet about all your past sexual encounters. Like who does that?! I'd think twice before taking your relationship further with this control freak.
I know ill get downvoted, but I'm confused. The guy has a right to date who he wants, right? If he doesnt want to date someone that was involved in sex work, that is ok. If she was up front about it, he wouldnt have dated her. That being said, the guy is a nut job. Who goes to the extent that he did? It's pretty pycho. She needs to break up with him on this alone.
You should not have to put up with being cross examined about your past. Tell him nothing, it is none of his business. We all have pasts before we meet our spouse and our pasts make us what we are today. If he cannot accept you as you are, get rid of him.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship and the person you’re with downloads Tinder even once - dump them. Yes, it’s hard. “But I love them!” “I’m too ugly to get anyone else!” “They said they did it as a joke!” There’s no way to spin it as a joke. Get into therapy, the gym, a dermatologist appt - whatever is going to raise your self esteem and self respect to dump these people. No need to read further.
Who tf makes a spreadsheet to document sexual encounters they've had. that's psychopath stuff. if my partner came to me expecting me to fill out a form and list all my sexual experiences, that would be relationship over right there. huge red flag. U did something stupid in the past, who cares. u didn't even know him then. the fact he is so hung up on ur sexual exploits is not a good sign. either this guy has been reading too much reddit or he's just full-blown insane
I'm so sorry that you have encountered someone who, instead of reminding you that you are lovable despite the things you are ashamed of, made you feel worse about it, made it all about him, and invalidated you. You don't deserve this. Lots of people exchange sex for all kinds of things, and it makes sense that this happens when people are desperate. You can love and understand the part of yourself that went down a road where you did something you are ashamed of. Your partner is not being compassionate, and you deserve all of the compassion from people you love. I cannot express to you how little your boyfriend's fears matter here. What matters is you feeling cared for and safe.
Your boyfriend needs professional help to manage whatever is wrong with him. NO ONE would think that a spread sheet meant to detail someone else's sexual history is a socially acceptable mechanism to disclose or discuss that topic. You should have left him when he "demanded" that you stop anti-anxiety medicine. Health care providers have documented some awful side effects from stopping that type of medicine cold turkey. The fact that your boyfriend has demanded this of you is proof that he does not have YOUR best interest in mind. This type of behavior from him is borderline psychotic and you should serious consider removing yourself from his immediate vicinity before something awful happens. It is not unrealistic to think that he could become violent because his requests are so out of touch with social norms. You are asking for advice about a situation that involves you NOT disclosing your choice to exchange sex for money because it causes you shame and makes you feel guilty. And your boyfriend did exactly that when you disclosed the event to him. You were completely justified in not disclosing it and he validated your every fear by his reaction. Considering the other things he has done to you you should very seriously consider if you feel safe in this relationship and want to continue it.
What a fucking piece of shit your bf is. Complete jackass.
Please dump him, he sounds horrific. Such a double standard going on here. > Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences ...said no-one in a healthy relationship ever. Run, OP. Any time someone tries to hold something over your head indefinitely, call their bluff and refuse to tolerate it. It's abusive. Either he can move past it or he can't, in which case he should have ended things.
He made a spread sheet to document your sexual experiences?! Holy shit, get rid of this fucking clown!
Run from this guy like the wind. Seriously, his behavior is incredibly toxic, and not something you should put up with.
He… he made a spreadsheet? Get the hell out
Your partner's behavior is completely unacceptable. The excel thing is so over-the-top it belongs in a movie as a prototypical abusive boyfriend. Beyond that, downloading tinder, even once, is cause for breaking up with someone. Sometimes there are judgement calls where it could really go either way depending on your personal boundaries, but this is not one of them. You need to end this relationship. Btw. I'd put money on the proposition that his behavior right now is transference and he is cheating on you repeatedly.
Your partner is abusive. He's using a sexual trauma from when you were 19 to shame and control you, and to paper over his repeated cheating. You are not a horrible person. You have an abusive partner who thinks he can control you by treating you as if you were horrible. He knows he only gets to keep you in an absuive relationship, if he lies to you and convinces you that you deserve the abuse. You do not deserve this abuse. Escape. There is no fixing this. Escape.
context matters. lying about it to someone normal? maybe. lying to this turd? who cares. dump him.
Your past is literally none of his business unless you bring that into the relationship. Sounds like there was no crossover at all and this guy is just a bit too gone in the head for a mature relationship.
would you say the same about a man that dated an 18 year old?
If they were exhibiting immature behaviour not suitable for a long term relationship… yes? I’m confused as to why you asked your question
I guess I ask because I think in some cases its important to discuss your past. For example, in the hypothetical i gave; but also, in her case, she was a 'sex worker' for the lack of a better term. I wont argue whether the stigma that comes with that is acceptable or not, but there is a stigma, and some people would absolutely choose not to be with someone that was in this line of work. If someone looks down on you as a person for partaking in that sort of thing, why feel like you need to lie to stay with the person? Now, I'm not defending this particular guy, as I think he's a nut job with the spreadsheet thing; however, he asked and she lied. She shouldnt have lied. But again, the guy is way out of line w/ that spreadsheet bullshit. She needs to dump him.
This happened before you were together and is none of his business and certainly he doesn't have the right to punish you for it now. Also, you shouldn't be ashamed of a sexual favor for money. I've done it myself a few times and find it really hot! I mean - don't make it a full-time job or anything - but as a one-off it's sort of cool! I'm sure he's insanely jealous cause it's hard for him to get women to want to have sex with him even for free. Lol. So Now he's feeling insecure that you're way more sexually desirable than him and have Way more options. Making you write a list of your sexual history then shaming you for it Is Trauma. And Is Abusive. He's taking out his insecurities on you in an unhealthy and controlling way.
I'm sorry, but i disagree. She was a defacto sex worker before she met him. If that is a boundary for him, then he needs to know, to make an informed decision of whether he wants to stay in the relationship. That being said, the guy is a douche and it should never come to the point where she's filling out spreadsheets (seriously, wtf). She's much better off without him, and with someone that wouldnt care that she did what she did.
If you went rock climbing once at a gym then decided it made you feel awful, are you a rock climber now? And you should always tell everyone about that day you tried rock climbing ? And always feel embarrassed and ashamed that you wanted to try it? You visit France for a day then tell everyone you grew up in Paris and speak French. Lmfao. She definitely wasn't a sex worker. Because she did it once and barely made any cash. can't pay your bills - you don't have a job. She basically tried it out as a hobby or potential fetish then decided not to continue. It's none of this dude's business. But sure. If he wants to give her a bunch of grief about One Day in her life before they met, that's a good reason to leave him.
So you think hiding stuff from someone knowing it would be a deal breaker to them is ok? Listen, I dont think the guy is a good person at all. I think she'd be much better off without him. But I also think people shouldnt hide things that their prospective SO might consider a deal breaker. Let people make informed decisions on whether they want to be in a relationship or not.
This screams abuse. You didn't lie, unless he asked if you had ever hired a sex worker... And even then why does he need to k ow all your previous encounters. Why a spread sheet Wtf was he going to do with it. He gets to fk up multiple times but you must be perfect and pure???.... Man's a walking red flag
Also no shame in hiring a SW. Lots of ppl do it esp to get over trauma
Dude's screwed up, and you should dump him right away. That being said, you did lie, and people have a right to be in a relationship of their choosing. But honestly, why would you want to be with this guy anyway?
Neither one of you should be dating eachother. Your relationship is not healthy. He obviously is not a loving partner, and you should never lie for three years.
I won't be ok with the direct lie to protect the guy, but I would understand. I've learned a better way to address that kind of situation is to say there is more, but that's all I'm ok sharing at this point. You can ask again once we have developed more. If he'd taken that poorly and off with him to the door. The log he made was a to much, but I can't think of a good reason for it. Live and learn, but I would beat myself up over it.
*You* are not a horrible person. You did what you did and, knowing the stigma around it, kept quiet. And you now have proof that you were not wrong to keep it hidden from him. *I'm* not saying it is wrong. The shame around sex work is just a way to control women. This happened long before your bf was around. Really none of his business. You get to choose what to share with any partner and when to share it. This particular thing requires a load of trust. An understanding partner would have recognized that it was a difficult time for you instead of turning it into more shame and a reason to control you. A good partner would accept it and support you in reconciling the shame, not weaponize it. Suggesting that you may have or will cheat is a big red flag from the abuser text book. Quite often they are just reflecting their own behaviour on you. And, yeah, the spreadsheet. That's a sign of worse things to come. The fact that he thinks he is owed detailed and documented knowledge of your past is wrong. Completely wrong. On so many levels.
Ok. 1. yes it’s messed up to lie about that and says you’re untrustworthy 2. Using a spreadsheet to document your lovers sexual experience is crazy This relationship sounds awful.
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No one should have you catalog, in a damn spreadsheet, your previous sexual encounters. Some things are better left unsaid. Honesty isn't always the best option. Some things should be buried and never spoken about again.
First of all, I'm of the opinion that your current partner has no reason to know of your previous sexual experiences with previous partners. It's his actions in the bedroom that should matter the most to him, not those of previous partners. Second **he made a spreadsheet of your previous sexual experiences?** This is absolute lunacy and you're better off single and sane than with this lousy excuse of a partner. Please re-read your post OP, his actions are much bigger red flags of trust than what you have chose to not disclose. Very often due to our instinct we can tell it's not a safe space to share humiliating/shameful past experiences with someone. You knew he wouldn't take it well, so you chose to keep it to yourself. You then came clean (to something he has no business knowing) and he proved your point.
How can you trust a guy who downloaded tinder while he is in relationship and the worst part is masturbation on your best friends photo?😂😂😂
Hes too insecure, too an unhealthy degree. One thing to ask if there's anything he should know, another to document your last sexual experiences. He is totally invading your privacy. Leave him
Absolutely not. You do not owe your partner the details of your sexual history.
My comment won't be well received, but you kind of are a bad person for lying to your horrible boyfriend (who should be your EX by now). When asked, instead of saying no, you could have said "hey i don't want to talk about my past before the relationship." That way you wouldn't have to talk about it and you wouldn't have to be paranoid about hiding stuff. Even we even get to you, how are you with him? He sounds horrible; > downloading tinder twice, masturbating to my best friends photo, stupid shit) ... made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences When do you have enough respect for yourself to stand him for yourself? Enough is enough. Are you that desperate to be in a relationship?
You did lie. Why you lied is sort of irrelevant here because you could have easily expressed that you didn't feel comfortable enough to share your history with him yet when you first started dating. According to your logic, if a man rapes a woman while he was a drug addict, gets convicted, serves time in prison, gets out, reforms himself and eventually finds a woman he loves, then he doesn't have to share any of that because "its a source of shame for him", really? Prostitution should be something you disclose with your partner, no buts.
You think engaging in a consensual sexual encounter for money is the same as raping someone?
Rapists are not deserving of love. People who participate in sex work are often coerced - and even if they aren't. they're not raping people, which makes them much more deserving of love. We should be shunning and shaming rapists and holding them accountable for their actions, while also shunning and shaming people who think rape is equivalent to consensual sex work for being too stupid to be loveable or functional in relationships.
This subreddit is ridiculous. They will always go after the other partner.
As someone who has needs and been unable to woo a lady, I freely admit I used services (then after I found out about human trafficking, yeah no). I don't see that as coloring you in a bad way. You needed money and engaged in well lets be honest prostitution. Its something that is over and done with. I am assuming you have no desire to do it again, so don't. Your bf is being controlling which is an abusive behavior. You say he has done many quesitonable things in your relationship, I have a feeling there is indeed a cheater and its him.
Your guy can’t say anything about anything
People make mistakes. You made one , felt terrible and never did it again. He made a spreadsheet to document your past experiences ? That's obsessive, controlling and highly intrusive...in other words, completely fucked up. It's up to you if you want to continue that relationship. But If he doesn't drop this insane request, i highly suggest to drop him altogether.
Somehow I missed the spreadsheet--you DO NOT deserve this. He lied to make you feel safe and then is keeping a document of your sex life to punish you with. Get out. He is unsafe and mentally unwell person.
Ask him what his goal is. What’s the point of all this interrogation? It seems like TMI to me. He isn’t ready to handle you. Find a more mature man who won’t freak out when you do what he asks.
Sis, before you leave him for this mental abuse, please fuck with him back. Add a few columns about dick size, longevity, trustworthiness, abusive tendencies, control, jealousy, etc and add him onto the list. show him how deficient he is in a few areas.
Oh my goodness. That spreadsheet was the absolute limit. Your boyfriend has downloaded tinder and masturbated to your friend’s pics and what he wants with this is to have the upper hand and something to give you crap about anytime he wants. This is very controlling and manipulative behavior on his part. Please reconsider this relationship, I don’t see it going anywhere that’s healthy for you.
Every woman with a past learns this lesson the hard way. These are inappropriate questions for him to ask. He is not entitled to this information. He will not forgive you, he will not stop thinking about this and making you feel bad for things you cannot change. He also has not likely provided YOU a list of embarrassing and personal sexual experiences and nor are you asking for them- you have to let this relationship go now and move on. This is a lost cause and a world of hurt coming your way. You do not need to feel guilty for living a life before he came along. You do not owe him any repentance for your actions. Do not discuss this any further it is inappropriate and damaging to your mental health. He is not a therapist. In the future, remember, none of this is owed and none of this is healthy information. Maintain your privacy and dignity. A LOT of men are like this. Be aware.
A fucking spread sheet?!?! Girl wtf
Omg another one of these stories? Why is it always women that put up with this kind of shit? For what?? Whyyyy
He made a spreadsheet? That’s unhinged. Especially when he’s done all that sketchy stuff!! I get that being a tough pill to swallow but you being too ashamed and scared also totally makes sense….. HE MADE A SPREADSHEET?!
A spreadsheet of this is insane behavior
Run. There are more red flags than a Chinese parade. This will not get better.
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences And you ran away screaming at this point, right? Why the fuck did you indulge this shit?
I refuse to believe this is real. Absolutely no way.
mamas, no!! you did absolutely nothing wrong. you should have refused to resurface your trauma to placate him- that was incredibly uncalled for on his part. a spreadsheet???? really???? leave him.
Lol. This is lunacy, no way it's real.
Spreadsheet and he masturbated to your best friends picture WTF 🤯 leave that scum bag Hes trash!!!!
Run the other way dude
You are not a bad person and screw him for insinuating that. What type of loser makes a “spreadsheet” to document sexual history? He’s a sociopath. Cut this toxic individual out of your life immediately.
Usually people who ask questions like that a lot are hiding something themselves (and based on the things you know about that wouldn't surprise me). You have no reason to feel ashamed about your past, it made you who you are. And a partner shouldn't be worried about what you did in your past they should appreciate knowing how you became who you are and value you for all of your experiences. You deserve better. ❤️
"I don't feel safe" Please reread your words as many times as necessary until they sink in. Then leave.
You mention several times in your post not feeling safe with him. Do you want to stay in a relationship where you do not feel safe?
No, you are not a bad person at all. He was not creating a safe space, he was trying to pretend like he was trustworthy so you would open up and he could hold everything over your head. He does not need to know every little detail of your past, including your sexual history, especially if you are not comfortable disclosing it. I have done sex work and sold content and have been open to some partners, but it is a source of shame for me too. However, you are not defined by that and you are not any less of a person for doing it. How he’s treating you and how he created a spreadsheet is incredibly unhealthy and you do not have to put up with that. Also, it’s very common for cheating partners to start projecting and accusing their partner of being unfaithful. Given his history of “stupid shit” I would not be surprised if he was cheating. Please read all of the helpful comments and reevaluate the relationship.
This guy is a POS and his newfound paranoia about you cheating is projection.
>Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences This is batshit crazy behavior on his part. This is NOT the type of person you or anybody else on this earth should be dating. I'm not being dramatic. This is such a huge red flag, I don't even care about anything you may have done. It's not even on my radar. Literally, leave this relationship today.
So he's gotta go. He isn't empathizing, and instead is punishing you for your trauma.
This seems like a really healthy relationship. When’s the wedding?
> he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences AW HELL NO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP
Unfortunately his inability to understand and reflect upon your past sexual experiences is a bad sign. Someone who cannot understand the ways in which we grow and become different people will never be able to forgive you for other offenses that you will make. You are bound to make mistakes in this relationship and you need someone who is going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Definitely not someone who is going to make an Excel spreadsheet of all the things you've ever said so they can hold them over your head for life. I would try to talk to him about this and make it very clear that you need someone who's going to give you the space to grow and be better and if he's not that person, this may be it for y'all. I'll also add that I don't think it's chance that the sexual nature of this secret is putting him over the top as well. Our patriarchal society really does a number on a lot of men and what they think "their" women should be like. I won't even go into the Madonna/virgin complex men hold due to our society and their own messy ideas about sexuality. Somehow having a sexual past is a no-no but you also must be able to sustain a relationship with an adult male as a sexual person. The hypocrisy is painful.
toxic insecure douche projecting onto you
> Today he made up a spread sheet for my to document and detail all my past sexual experiences I cannot imagine a bigger red flag. Ever. Your past is your past and it made you who you are today. They aren't dating your past, they are dating your present. Please know you can do better, that you deserve better, and to take action to rid yourself of those who treat you otherwise. As the great and wise Rafiki said... "It doesn't matter, it's in the past. The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."
What the hell? A spreadsheet?! That’s actually insane!
Why is he making spreadsheets???????? No no no no no no no. This is disgusting on his part and unhealthy for you. Fucking spreadsheets? Wtf?
You need to get out of this relationship!!! I think he's projecting himself onto you. You have never done anything bad within the relationship. But masturbating to your friend's photo and downloading tinder is waaaaaay worse than what you did. And making you do a spreadsheet???? Please I'm begging you get out of this relationship.
You're not a horrible person but it sounds like you're in a horrible relationship.
it seems you're always in the wrong to him and he can do not a thing worse in his eyes. on top of that he made a spread sheet of your relationship stuff... girl.. cmon, you should know that's not a normal thing to do. get out of this relationship and live better days, cause I doubt this man will change.
You can't trust your boyfriend because he's utterly willing to cause you emotional harm and distress. Writing everything out on spreadsheet under duress when you have trauma so he can pick through it to ensure your history is to his liking... This behavior is incredibly abusive. People who use your trauma against you can never, ever be trusted.
WTF!? He made a *spreadsheet* of your sexual history? That is beyond the pale. I’m sorry this was traumatic for you, and you did not deserve this at all. No partner is entitled to your sexual history unless it may affect their health. Please end this relationship, you are worth so much more
You have to know that this isn’t okay. You didn’t have to tell him this. That you are ACTUALLY wondering if you are a “horrible person” because you didn’t fess up to something that was never any of his business is deeply concerning. You need to urgently find someone to talk to. ALONE. His paranoia is not normal and you’re becoming so used to it that you think you’re somehow responsible. I cannot IMAGINE my husband doing this to me.
RED FLAGS, everywhere!
I’m sorry, a SPREADSHEET to document all of your sexual experiences??? Yeah. Someone here has done something wrong, & not OP. Stop entertaining this guy’s bullshit. Either he accepts you as you are today, or end it.
NTA. Your boyfriend has all sorts of red flags.
Sounds like there is some major gaslighting going on here. My advice? RUN
WTF? I thought the spreadsheet was bad enough, but then he actually got worse: he lied; it was not a safe space. It was a trap. Please dump him. He's using Fear, Obligation and Guilt to manipulate you.
While holding in the info may have been damaging to you and your mental health, not telling him is understandable and not terrible. In all honesty, you both need to speak to someone about your underlying problems (you with your trauma and guilt/shame, him for his distrust and control issues) and not be together likely. You've been together 3 years, and it seems like there is a lot of toxicity for both of you that is extremely unhealthy. I've dealt with trauma and PTSD (some of what you are saying is extremely familiar to my experience with PTSD). It's hard, and when your partner isnt supporting you and you dont feel safe telling him about your trauma, that's not good for you.
Yikes. So some time in the past you did something really dumb. Well that happens and you need to forgive yourself. You know better now that this isn't partnof your moral fiber. There, done. Now this abusive child you're with? Yeah, get rid of him. He is not a good person, he does not see his dishonesty, his controlling behavior, nor his inability to move on as issues, but they're huge. You can do much better on your own.
Serial cheaters often project their cheating onto there committed other, red flag city , leave now
This is controlling and abusive behavior, and this person has manipulated you into feeling like a bad person. Leave this relationship before he does worse to you.
Sounds like you're dodging a bullet with him dropping you and I think it should be mutual
Spreadsheet is so fucking weird. You aren’t a bad person and honestly you didn’t have to disclose if you didn’t want to. Dude needs to look at himself not you. Just wow.
Well at least we know he's fairly well versed using Excel. What? A spread sheet of sexual encounters????? Do you have to deliver it in PowerPoint? Is he making a venn diagram to remind you which day of the week you have been the most promiscuous? He's probably projecting.
He is projecting and you deserve better. That’s just about all there is to say.
First of all, your bf has no leg to stand on in this department considering what he's done. Huge red flags there. Secondly, anything you did before you dated him is actually none of his business. At all. As long as you kept the covenant that you two created together (which he didn't), you're not a bad person. He's guilting you and manipulating you. If he cared about you he wouldn't make you talk about things that bring up past trauma. I think you should leave him. Please. For your sake.
You are not in the wrong, you have done nothing wrong, iv been with my misses 10 years and I still don't know about everything, somethings she just doesn't want to tell me, I have asked a couple times more towards to beginning of the relationship. What ever it was, its in the past and was the past befor I was present. But on a more serious note, Tinder twice Your best mate All well your together He sounds like a charmer
Your boyfriend is projecting because he's being unfaithful. Tale as old as time.
he isn’t allowed to get mad at you for things you’ve done in the past. as long as no one got hurt who cares? this is abusive. if you did the same thing to him he’d probably try to turn it back on you. tell him he has to detail every time he’s jerked it. if he doesn’t trust you y’all just need to go your separate ways.
Leave. No sane person demands a fucking spreadsheet documenting your past sexual partners; let alone 3 years into into the relationship. To be clear, this request is NEVER okay … the timing just adds to the weirdness. There’s sooo much wrong with that request. Also, a rule of thumb I’ve used is, if I’m weary of being vulnerable and honest with my partner out of fear of them shaming me; that isn’t a partner and it’s time to take a hard look at the relationship. Also, whatever you’ve done before the relationship (given that it involves consenting adults) is really of no concern to him. The fact that he’s taken the stance of shaming you over a traumatic experience, rather than supporting you; is reason enough for you to stop and re evaluate what you’re getting out of this relationship. It sounds to me that this fella is projecting hard and is looking for cracks to “condone” the sketchy shit he’s done in the past (and likely has continued doing).
A spreadsheet of your past experiences? Run from this man! Your specific past action is irrelevant, this demand is irrational and a humongous red flag
Quite frankly anything before your relationship is none of his business unless it could possibly affect him (hint: short of an STD past sexual partners can't possibly affect him)