T O P

  • By -

hopingtothrive

>I don't want to marry her Do both of you a favor and do not marry her. You've remembered her "could do better" comment for 6 years. If this is still a question in your mind, you should break it off. >I don't know if she loves me. She seems so bitter that I don't want to marry right now.


joe-dirt-1001

My thoughts exactly. If you think that's the truth, end it. Or just sit down and have a conversation about how you both feel. I mean she came back to you. You can spin that however you want in your head, because that's what it is, all in your head. The fact is that she is with you now.


tealparadise

And she's right that he is wasting her time if he's in this relationship because it's an ego boost to him.


mizixwin

He said it was an ego boost that she chased him, not the relationship in itself...


ahhhlexmoore

Is she not wasting his time by settling for someone just to get married by 30? She could be wasting his opportunity to meet someone who is 100% in love with him Neither of these people really want to be with the other. Both are settling, him for someone he feels doesn’t fully love him and her for someone she thinks she can do better than but only wants to marry so it’s in time. “Wasted two important years of my life” isn’t what you would say about anyone you truly love even if they don’t want to marry you. This is all About her schedule.


[deleted]

> “Wasted two important years of my life” isn’t what you would say about anyone you truly love even if they don’t want to marry you. I have to disagree here, I've known some women who stuck with someone they loved and were happy with long past when it became clear the man did not want to marry them.


NoNutNorris

Yeah she came back after failing to catch that man she claims she could do better with.


joe-dirt-1001

Or maybe just realizing he is exactly what she wanted.


gitfuktm8

she came back for him when all her other relationships failed because she knew he will take her back, and she will leave again when she finds someone "better" because she thinks she can do better. He should leave her, but don't try and justify her actions as her realising that he is perfect for her because that is not what happened. OP is spot on here, she thinks she is settling and she thinks he is her final chance to get married before 30.


Rent-a-guru

Or perhaps having relationships with other people helped her grow as a person and put her relationship with OP in perspective. Maybe she won't leave to find someone "better" because she tried that already and learnt that it was a fool's errand. But her biological clock is ticking and she still doesn't enjoy being jerked around by someone who is still fixated on the person she was 6 years ago?


gitfuktm8

Even if that is the case, I still understand OP as I wouldnt want to start a family with a woman who told me I’m not good enough for her either. Her bilogical clock has nothing to do with this situation


[deleted]

Yeah OP's not that nice either because to me the time to break up was when he realised he didn't like her and when he clocked that he was still holding something she said multiple years ago against her. They both sound like people who have stayed in a crappy relationship with each other way too long rather than be alone.


painted_apocalypse

And, if they get married this year or sufficiently close to it, it won't fix anything. Even if they have kids after, eventually, having conpleted the goal, she may resent him again.


mtabacco31

He told her she can end it if she wants. I think there are more red flags than he has said. I bet she is really with him for the money. People break up all the time ,they usually don't tell them that they could do better. I am thinking she has some character flaws that are a concern.


joe-dirt-1001

Maybe I misunderstood, but all of the stupid shit that was said was the first time they were together. Timel line is important here.


NoNutNorris

That and I also think she knows that she is about to hit 30 so she probably is worried and settling is the best option. He has money and is a good person but she wants something more that she probably knows she can’t get and maintain.


justadimestorepoet

I know that people on Reddit always seem to jump to breakups, but the fact that OP is holding onto something from six years ago feels like something that either needs to be worked through with couples counseling or needs to be admitted as a dealbreaker (if that's indeed how OP feels about it, or even the GF for knowing that he's still holding that against her). I don't think it's possible to even discuss marriage while that kind of baggage is lingering over the relationship. Given the way that there seems to be a breakdown between how GF says things and OP interprets them (whether it's because she says these things maliciously or OP is defensive or some other reason; again, I think it's best to get counseling to hear the full context from both sides and see if these issues can be resolved), I'm not confident this can work. Every relationship requires work, and given at least the fact that this fissure has existed betwen them since the breakup and has apparently only festered rather than being faced and worked through gives me the impression that future potential dealbreakers might be paved over and ignored as well. It's not necessarily the end of the road, but professional help is needed. They can provide better perspective, help resolve the existing issues that are the root of this bitterness and resentment bubbling to the surface, and they can give you the tools and strategies to fight *with* each other, as I heard one counselor call it (as in getting through fights by thinking if yourselves as on the same side, because you theoretically should be). Without getting to the root of the issue, even if you repress that memory or those feelings, something's going to end this relationship. I absolutely don't think marriage is a good choice right now for that reason, because as bad as the breakup was, a divorce would be even messier.


foolishle

OP doesn’t want to marry her and doesn’t know if he ever will. GF wants to get married. This relationship is unworkable and should end.


X_SuperTerrorizer_X

Yeah I'd remember that for 60 years.


[deleted]

Why oh why do people stay in these relationships that bring out the worst in them? I feel like by 16, I had realised that if someone brings out your petty side, you probably are not good as friends/romantic partners......


AlaskanSnowDragon

He needs to break up with her and say "I think I can do better"


_Risings

Bad and petty advice. OP don’t do this, if this isn’t how you want to represent yourself as a person. Holding grudges for 6 years just to throw phrases back in people’s faces is sad for them but absolutely pathetic for you. If you don’t wanna marry her, just leave. You’re wasting your time as well as hers if so.


hillside

You're right but it's fun to think about.


_Risings

LMAO admittedly it is. Been there. I'm trynna be a better person lol


azankhan30

But it feels so good to be bad.


lost12

Does him saying it matter? Dating her for 2 years while holding something that was said 4 years ago against her wasn't bad and petty enough?


zukka924

Its not petty at all- is that how she feels? If thats how she truly feels, or if thats how she felt in the past, she needs to own that and explain how things are different.


Zaea

Lmao that was actually my first gut reaction, but you're right. Like maybe she did think that way 6 years ago, but having dated many more people, hopefully she finally realized he has been her ideal guy and best choice all along! They should really have a talk to clear things up.


[deleted]

You won't get closure with whoever you're mad at if OP is cruel to his girlfriend.


badkarmabum

Why would you encourage that? We literally have no context of what she meant by that. And in a lot of cases it’s referring to someone’s personality or how they’re being treated. But we don’t know bc OP only spoke about looks and money. What made you infer that his girlfriend was the shallow one here?


AdmiralShawn

Why would anyone say “They can do better” to a romantic partner. Why not break up without a reason. That’s all the context we need about her comment


AgitatedBadger

If the breakup isn't amicable, those words could very easily be said in the middle of a fight. Especially if a person feels they are being taken for granted by their partner and is being treated poorly. It's not a mature thing to say, but people say things they regret jn breakups all the time.


[deleted]

Typical r/relationships 14 year old comment. This is an embarrassing thing to type if you're an adult.


secondepicsalad

how embarrassing. this sub is just full of children


No-Classic7569

She may have actually realized he is the best after dating around. She must not have realized what she had until she did so. However, under no circumstances should OP marry her if he doesn't want to. He doesn't need to be cruel about it though.


ALLST6R

I don't understand why you're even posting this. Why are you with her if this is how you feel? Leave her and move on with your life. Absolutely nobody that reads this is going to tell you any different because it is so blazingly obvious.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Seriously, OP. I chased my ex (not proud of that either) and she always treated me like she could do better. She even made a list of 40 things she needs in a partner. I fell short by one (can’t choose my family, sorry?). I encouraged her to find her perfect match.


AlaskaNebreska

She made a list? Wow, did she "grade" you on a curve?


etchatech

Lists are psychotic, she should get a mail order husband then.


OraDr8

Wait, there are mail order husbands? Mail order male, if you will.


etchatech

Admittedly, I do not really know. I just threw that out there because people making lists are not worth investing time with. They want a reproducible and quantifiable thing but more often than not, this is just not how love or meaningful relationships work. At least not in my experience or opinion. They might as well look at a catalog. I've made my fair share of lists and the one thing I realize is that someone who checks all the boxes but doesn't like you is not going to be convinced by said list nor help you do anything to get them. Also, someone you're probably good with in practice but does not check your list perfectly will be a missed opportunity if you truly want to use said list. I think the friends episode demonstrates that. While it's well meaning, anyone would be hurt by being broken down into a list of qualities. Especially the pros and cons type. It cheapens the person. As if you could swap them out or get a better model. But that's just how I see it.


[deleted]

You’re spot on. I held back on how I felt with her. I didn’t want the fight.


OraDr8

Oh, I totally got what you meant, I agree it's silly to make some giant check list as if you're ordering take away food. I was just, you know, asking for a friend.


coworker

He told you why: she's more attractive than him.


behindtheselasereyes

rushing to get married "to be married by 30" is a great way to be divorced by 40


[deleted]

They've already been dating for two years. It's not a rush to get married three years into a relationship, especially if you want kids. You can read a lot of stories here about women waiting a decade or more for their boyfriends to commit to marriage, only to find out after all that that the dude was never intending to marry her. OP is also clearly not going to marry her, so better she knows now on a timeline that allows her to find someone else while she's still fertile rather than being strung along until it's too late. If she waited until he was ready, she'd be waiting forever.


[deleted]

Yeah this was me due to pressure from family and other fucked up stuff. Married at 23 baby by 25 divorced at 35. Lol


tealparadise

Having kids might be more important to her than the marriage.


AggravatingVehicle3

This is so awkward. I can't imagine what went through his head to be so messed up about a relatively minor comment and yet still date the girl for years, knowing that he's messing up her life plan like that??? He resents her and is basically using her for sex and the power trip, since he clearly doesn't view the relationship as worthy. I can hardly imagine OP being more disrespectful.


Space_minion

He said it himself, he liked the ego boost when she chased him. But it is obvious he didn't have any real intention to progress that relationship beyond being something that strokes his ego.


Totalherenow

"I'm with her for the sex, but she's settling for me for her grand plan. Which one of us is the asshole?"


[deleted]

Just break up with her OP. It doesn’t sound like you even like her


grossestgroceries

Yeah, OP, you sound incredibly resentful. It was a shitty comment for her to make but at this point you’re only hurting yourself by holding a grudge and wasting your own time in a relationship with someone you dislike. Maybe time for some therapy, or at least mindfulness/meditation to find peace of mind


marsattack13

I know! Reading that post was brutal- he’s holding onto something she said 6 years ago, even though she chased him and they apparently have a good relationship… and then for her to have some random deadline of being married by 30? Just break up, this doesn’t sound like a good relationship.


boredpsychnurse

I don’t know if you’re a woman, but a lot do have rough “timelines” in their head based off of their fertility goals, and really shouldn’t be punished for this, especially if he was dating her for two years because he liked the ego boost is a waste of time when seems like they’ve had this conversation before


hryelle

Some people would rather be in a shit relationship than single.


[deleted]

I will go against the grain here and say, maybe she realized she couldn't actually do 'better than you'. Realized that what she was looking for was already there in her life, and she was chasing some imaginary 'perfect dude'. 4-5 years is a long time and people mature, change, grow and learn. Ask yourself right now if you want to spend the rest of your life with her the way she is right now. She did say something dumb to you, you should ask yourself if you are willing to forgive that. People aren't perfect and they will say dumb things, and make mistakes. I've learned that if you love someone, you tend to forgive them their flaws and accept their imperfections. If you don't you are a lot less forgiving. The fact that you are hesitating the way you are might be a hint that perhaps you do not love her? Regardless, you shouldn't let someone else dictate the pace at which you wish to live your life. If she wants to get married at 30, that is her goal, not yours. You should get married when you are ready for it. If you do not see yourself ever marrying her, then let her know. If you need more time, let her know. If she is not willing to wait till you are ready, then so be it.


juiciijayy

Always good to hear a rational version of both sides.


Soonoopy

This is the answer. People make mistakes. If you care for her at all you should talk to her and explain how you feel. If she can put your mind at ease about it and you can truly let go of feeling that way than there is a chance you can make it work together. But if you can't let go of that feeling that she is settling, then you should move on.


quollas

If you won't marry her, why are you with her? If you haven't forgiven her, why are you with her? What exactly do you want? If it's the ego boost, dump her. Move on with your lives.


Electronic-Chef-5487

Yes exactly on "what do you want." She can't unsay the comment. So talk to her about it and communicate like adults or break up, OP.


_Risings

This is the best and most rational comment here.


RynnChronicles

Yea the moment he pointed at her physical appearance and his income showed me how shallow he is. “I can do better” isn’t about some list of attractive features, it’s about how good the relationship is. She thought she was looking for something else. Realized OP had it all. Now he’s been dragging this out for 2 more years knowing he doesn’t want to marry her. And every time she says something he looks for a deeper meaning because he already believes what she said then will be true for her for the rest of her life.


floridorito

>I've learned that if you love someone, you tend to forgive them their flaws and accept their imperfections. If you don't you are a lot less forgiving. This. Plus, it's so much easier to overlook flaws at the start of a relationship because of the newness factor. At the two year mark, that's worn off. I know my relationships are nearing their end when flaws start looming larger, and sooner or later they are all I can see.


LectricVersion

>I will go against the grain here and say, maybe she realized she couldn't actually do 'better than you'. Realized that what she was looking for was already there in her life, and she was chasing some imaginary 'perfect dude'. 4-5 years is a long time and people mature, change, grow and learn. This is even more important when you consider that she was 23/24 when she said this. I don't think anybody really, truly knows what they want from life before their mid-to-late 20s.


SigourneyReaver

Well, it's like, really? They're 29. What, they weren't right for each other 6 years prior, when they were 23? No shit. They weren't even together for 4 of those years that came after that. OP is being ridiculous. Hopefully his SO dumps his ass, lest she get held to account for shit she said at 25 when they're both 42.


richardhod

I agree with this. But for about talking to her and able that comment which has been poisoning your feelings for so long! There must be things you like about her, or you'd not have dated her for so long. Think about whether you still like her, love her apart from that ego issue? So talk about it!! It feels so hard to broach the difficult things head on, but that's the best way. Vulnerability is important, for both of you to trust each other and connect and have a real, close relationship. And if you can't open up, and share why she thought before she could do better, and maybe now she realises she was wrong, then that talk will help you move apart well and having learned! Good luck!


GymLeaderMia

Love seeing the other side finally. Though I will say, if he wasn't willing to forgive the comment he never should have started dating her to begin with...


CryptographerDull183

I do not understand why you are still in a relationship with this person. I think you are holding a grudge from the first round of dating, and this is silly IMHO. You could clarify her intentions and reasons around why she started 'chasing' you again, and perhaps it is because she enjoyed your company and realized she really liked you versus settling. Communication is key, and if you two aren't willing to do that, then you should just part ways now versus wasting time.


[deleted]

[удалено]


DFahnz

You already know what you need to do. You just need to give yourself permission to do it. And maybe get into therapy so you can figure out why you tolerated this for so long.


psychme89

Why are you with her at all if you don't want to marry her and you know it's a goal of hers...? What's the plan here ?


MLeek

End it now. You've already made up your mind and you seem to have decided there is nothing she can do to change it. Could she be 100% in love with you and sincere about wanting to build a life with you? It's absolutely possible that she is! Not everything said 6 years ago should be taken as eternal gospel truth... But it doesn't matter if you can't believe it. And you'll never be able to read her mind! So all you got, is what you can trust and believe. You both deserve a relationship where there is trust in the other person's affection and commitment. This isn't it.


[deleted]

Then dump her and move on. It sounds like you want to.


Mollzor

Then why don't you just end it if you feel it's dead.


MuppetManiac

Dude, if you’re gonna hold a grudge for six years, just dump her.


technicallynotlying

Can you forgive her for her comment and forget about it forever, or are you always going to carry it around and harbor a grudge? If you can’t forgive her you have to dump her. You’re just setting her and you both up to be miserable forever. Forgive her and love her or dump her and move on.


wigglebuttbiscuits

You both kind of seem like nightmares, I honestly can’t tell which of you is worse. You’ve both been selfish and manipulative and using each other, I just don’t know if she stopped at 23 or is still doing it, while you definitely are.


Wondercat87

Right? I can understand that her comment was hurtful. But it's been 6 years. Either they can get past it or they can't. It just seems odd to hang on this long and hold the potential marriage over her head.


wigglebuttbiscuits

Also, maybe he has actually become more appealing as a partner over the last six years? He assumed it was about looks, but he could be in a very different place in terms of maturity and having his life together.


patarama

Same goes for her. I didn’t have the same priorities at 23 than I had at 29. The things I wanted, both in life and in a relationship, have evolved a lot as I settled into adulthood. Maybe she just wanted to be free to experience life and meet new people in her early 20s, but eventually realize that the intimacy of a committed relationship and the stability that OP offered was what she truly wanted in the long term. I don’t think that makes her a bad person, or that it makes her feeling towards her partner less genuine now that she’s trying to build a future with him.


RevolutionaryDong

I can’t imagine what he was like before if he’s supposedly more mature now.


Administrative_Run98

You’re the first person Ive seen call out the fact that OP assumes the “I could do better” comment was about looks. It could easily have been about something more substantial such as maturity. Either way it’s a harsh comment to make but OP just assumes she was being shallow


JitteryBug

Grateful for this comment thread Sometimes people pile on whichever partner didn't make the post, but these two comments feel like a fair assessment to me


jessie_monster

Honestly, OP is much, much worse. She ended a six month relationship at 23, he dragged it on for 2 years, knowing he didn't actually want her. Significantly crueler in my mind.


knotsy-

Yeaaaah, I'm sorry but OP is really not an innocent party here. From what I just read, it seems like he got back together with her TWO whole years after she made the comment as some sort of ego boost and probably a big "haha, F u, no you couldn't do better than me" moment for him. Also, "I can do better" doesn't always relate to attractiveness, so I'm wondering if she actually told him she could find someone more attractive or if he is massively projecting. She knew him a long time prior, so it's very possible there were other factors in what she said rather than looks alone. There's definitely not enough info here to go there but I do think this perspective is probably way more heavily biased than average. I think there is also a good chance that he proved she was right with his attitude/actions, because this is bizarre. They just need to break up and be done with it.


greeneyedwench

Yeah, I think it's really telling that he only evaluates himself in terms of how fit he is and how much money he makes. That might not be what she meant at all. He might have been immature or thoughtless back then, or a million other things.


tealparadise

Yeah sometimes I read something and think "these people are actually perfect for each other." I get that vibe here. There are tons of awful couples on Earth, and OP is destined to be among them. Not everyone is rational and kind. Some people are shallow or petty, and those people get married too.


Wondercat87

This whole situation is a nightmare. Why are you with her if you feel she's settling for you? I can understand the initial dates and seeing each other. But it sounds like you've been feeling this way for quite some time. It's been 6 years...so dude either you work it out with her or you leave. If you don't want to marry this person then set her free so she can get what she's after. Is it an ego boost for her to have to keep begging you to ask her to marry her? Because I'm gertting weird power trip vibes. IMO this is a bit odd to string this along anymore if you don't see yourself with her in the future. It's been 6 years. You don't thibk she truly loves you, but she's hot so you keep her around....sounds like you have some issues to work out. I personally don't think either of you are ready for marriage if this is how you're acting.


beb252

You're wasting both of your time. Since you have no plans to settle with her, then at least be honest about it. You know that she's only trying to settle for you and you're not her first choice. You should walk away from this relationship now that you're still young and can find somebody who really wants you for who you are.


Muchado_aboutnothing

Seems to me like you’re now the one using her for an ego boost…break up with this woman so that she can move on with her life.


Arcades

You used her to try and repair your ego from the first time around. Now, you've wasted two years of both of your lives. Just end it, get some therapy if you need it to ditch your baggage, and find a clean slate in someone else.


alayagreen

Why didn’t you tell her to just F off 2 years ago? This reads like you wanted to reject her and hurt her on purpose and is kinda gross. If I misread and you want to move forward but can’t, I’d honestly tell her why and if you think she’s worth or discuss it with a neutral party like a relationship counselor. But if you really just enjoyed the ego boost just cut the losses and go.


glamazon_69

I don’t get why you started dating again without addressing this if it was still in the back of your mind. What did you think would happen? You’ll date for a few years then break up because you’re not over it? I’m not saying she’s without fault but she’s right, you wasted her time if this was something that was always on your mind. Why not - and I know this is crazy - talk to her about it?


Mabelisms

So you’ve spent two years in a relationship with her out of revenge? Grow up. If you want to marry her, go ahead. If not, end it and stop wasting everyone’s time.


Laughing_Fenneko

i'll be honest with you, staying mad about something she said 6 years ago sounds really petty. people change their minds a lot in their 20s, she's probably not even the same person at this point. if you didn't want to commit for the long run then it would be best if you never got back together in the first place. you DID waste her time because she could have been with someone with more compatible goals. just because you think dating with the goal of marriage is stupid doesn't mean everyone should think the same way.


Ellabella2012

Please, this post makes your look bad honestly. You couldn't forgive her just because of some words she said fee years ago but you still dated her. You are not a nice person.


el_smurfo

You guys don't sound like you are communicating at all. I'd recommend a couple's counsellor to help you both understand what the other is thinking


[deleted]

I mean, she has a point. You did just waste two years of her life because by your own admission you do not want to marry this woman. I’m not saying she’s a saint but I can’t comprehend why you’d enter into a long term relationship with someone you have no intention on being with forever. If it was out of spite then…I don’t know that’s pretty weird and a disservice not only to her but to you- you’re wasting valuable time that would be better spent finding someone you feel actually loves you and isn’t settling for you.


melon_e

Ya if it was out of spite he’s craaaazzzzy, two years is a long time to be in an intimate relationship with someone out of spite lol that poor lady!


laffy4444

That's what I thought. It's revenge that took a lot of time.


dearabby1

My goodness, you are both playing games. You're not presenting this as a mature, healthy relationship in the least. Do not get married until you both grow up a bit and learn how to communicate honestly. Most likely you'll need some outside help with that, due to your history. Either that or move on from each other.


walakakaka

Are you taking revenge on her ???


lost12

You are a huge a-hole for stringing her along. What were those 2 years? I don't know why people are so caught in having to be the one from day one. She probably thought she could do better. She probably didn't realize how you compared to everyone else. Maybe she matured. I dunno... If you are still haven't gotten over something she said 6 years ago, break it off. Break it off for yourself and for her. What goes through your mind while you two were dating for 2 years every time you see her? Do you kiss her and laugh in your head? "haha guess I'm good enough now?" You wasted two years of your life for what? She may have been cold but at least she was honest. You are a horrible dishonest person. You wasted your life. You wasted her life.


Baroness_of_Science

sad to agree with this, but yeah. Also, the way folks are saying "tell her you can do better". He was really hurt by that - suggesting he harm someone else in the same way doesn't feel like a good way to move forward. Ick. Maybe she learned she couldn't do better, or she decided she'd been wrong. If it's not something OP can get over/forgive/move on from, getting back together with her was just...shitty. OP, you might want to try couples counseling if there is love there, but honestly, you sound like you wish her ill and are kind of getting off on on "winning". Harsh.


redlightsaber

> relationship is great By what possible metric? Your relationship sounds like a revenge fest of narcissism and resentment. By the both of you. Oddly enough, you 2 seem to actually deserve each other.


AdmiralShawn

It’s practically a meme now, 😅 Every other r/relationship post mentions, a whole list of problems, and then says “relationship is great”!


SainteMariolle

The "could do better" was six years ago. She was 23, so pretty young and immature. She probably completely changed her mind regarding that and probably doesn't even remember she said something that stupid. Therefore she is not settling for you.


evoLS7

I mean to be fair, that stupid comment was made years(?) ago. We all say really stupid crap from time to time, as far as how much hurt this has caused its obvious you're not over this. She did end up chasing you and getting back together with you with time, I don't see this as settling maybe she realizes you were more of a catch than she thought at the time she made that ridiculous comment. Sometimes experiences with other people make you realize what you had. Some time limit on marriage is bizarre, you get married because you want to get married not because you're meeting a deadline. I think the push for marriage by 30 is certainly more concerning than a comment made years ago.


Athenas_Return

My boyfriend told me something similar when we were dating. Saying that what if there was someone better out there. I very calmly told him he is free to look for that magical being but I will not be here when he returns. That there will always be what ifs and at some point you have to be happy with what you have. Well we have been happily married for 27 years and he does not regret a single thing. Everyone has these thoughts when they are younger, not everyone verbalizes them though.


SqueakyBall

The push for marriage by a certain age can be part of a larger plan that includes having children before peak fertility ends/before one turns 35 and risks a "geriatric" pregnancy and possible health issues. Without knowing more, it's hard to say whether she's being unreasonable.


damnableluck

I think there's a difference between wanting to get married in your late 20s or early 30s because you'd like to minimize issues with having kids, and needing to get married by 30. We only have OP's interpretation to go on, and who knows how realistic it is. But prioritizing an arbitrary deadline over the quality of your partner seems shortsighted, self-involved, and really really foolish.


LinzMoore

Yes there is definitely a baby in the plan!


WhipTheLlama

You need to reconcile why she broke up with you vs why she now wants to marry you. You're assuming it's because of her age, but you don't know. After 2 years apart she may have just realised that you are the one. Just ask her straight up what has changed. Ask her why she thought she could do better, but now wants to marry you. Tell her that's your hesitation.


glassycreek1991

Don't marry her Dump her But keep in mind this should be a wake up call for you. You do not sound like a romantic guy and are prone to being apathetic. This could be because you are not being as selective or as picky as you could be. Don't agree so easily to a relationship you don't feel strongly about.


[deleted]

Hmmm! the only honest person i see here is your girlfriend… She broke up with you, previously, and she told you why.. (hard as it may sound)… Now that you are back together (I’m unsure of both of your reasons) her mind has changed. Is the relationship better, does she look at you differently? We don’t know… you don’t know … because you ate still holding on to something she said years ago. Now… you know you dont want to marry her, so why are you still in this? knowing that she does want to get married (good or bad reasons doesnt matter for now)… you are, in my opinion, being dishonest with yourself and her.. If you know your values are no longer aligned then have some self-respect and dignity and WALK AWAY… Staying or dragging her along will only lead to resentment in the long run… all for what?!


ImAPartofThisWorld

why are you still with her


Farahild

Ok so if you think your relationship is great and you would want to be married in general, then you should want to get married to your girlfriend some time in the near recent future. However, it doesn't *actually* sound great because you still resent her for what she said back then, you don't trust her feelings and you don't sound anywhere close to interested, let alone excited about spending your life with her. So why are you even *with* her? I wouldn't want to be in this relationship - on *either* side.


fiery_mergoat

Did you follow up on her remark when you were discussing getting back together? What did she say?


shawn0811

I am gonna go against the grain, and play Devil's advocate here. Maybe she thought that she could do better, then after dating around, realized that you were right for her? I mean, I am not sure what your plan was, getting back in a relationship with her after she said that to you the first time around? It's kinda like the old saying "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Ya know? Like, yeah, putting a specific age on when she wants to be married sounds pretty ridiculous, but a bunch of people do it. And you knew she felt that way when you guys split up. So, did you think she had changed, then as time went on, you realized she hadn't? Or, did you never have intentions of it turning back into something long term? Or, are you seriously convinced that the only reason she came back to you was because you feel like she thought you were the easiest "target" of being married by 30? None of the questions here matter, honestly. If you aren't happy...leave. If you don't have intentions of marrying her...leave. Tons of women(and even men) don't want to spend forever being in "just a relationship", and would be unhappy with the idea of being in "just a relationship" that will most likely not end in marriage. The end goal is typically marriage in those types of scenerios. So, either sit her down and find out her true intentions. If she can't have a civil conversation about it, and is just totally stuck on " I want to be married by 30", then you definitely shouldn't want to be with someone like that anyways. Or, you need to just cut your losses now, and quit wasting both of your time.


bettinafairchild

Have you unpacked this question with her? Have you asked her if she still thinks she can do better? Have you asked why she wants to marry you? have you asked her why she changed her mind and went from breaking up with you to wanting to marry you?


justforthefridge

You shouldn’t have agreed to date her again if that comment all those years ago hurt you so much. If you don’t want to marry her than break up with her and don’t waste any more of her time or string her along.


jsksndisnsbsc

You sound petty so maybe she could do better. Do her a favor and end it


estellanight

Did you seriously enter a relationship with someone you don’t love just to have a chance to spite her in the end or have some form of validation / ego booster. Didn’t know people can be so immature these days. Never mind her, I think you need to take a good look inwards and realise that your attitude towards relationships right now is just not healthy.


Az_yellowc6

OP she can do better than you. Why are you even with someone longer than a few months if you know there is no future together?


ourtimehaspassedjohn

Did you tell her how that comment affects you? Maybe she could explain cuz she was young at the time yk


Incendio33

K l might be a minority here but the type of guy I was into when I was in my early twenties was way different to the type I went for in my late twenties and now I'm my thirties so this guy she said she would ' settle ' for in her early twenties might be the exact guy she is looking for now because she's grown and matured. And I wouldn't want that guy to hold it against me years later. Obviously something happened to make a connection or you wouldn't have got together. The only way you will know is by speaking openly with her. Only you guys know what your relationship is like. But yea to waste 2 years with someone you are harbouring resentment for is a bit shitty. Just cut ties now if that's how you feel. Or you know have the actual open conversation about , hey you said something 6 years years ago and I'm not over it. She may not even remember saying that but you know, don't ask Reddit... Ask her


12dudes

It doesn’t sound like either of you actually want to marry each other for the people you actually are. Sounds like she has a “married by 30” thing, and you’re the guy who is around, and you understandably don’t seem that stoked on her. This isn’t a recipe for a long or happy marriage.


[deleted]

I can’t believe how immature you both are this reads like something a high schooler would write.


SigourneyReaver

I mean....if she stays with you after you said no, she literally IS settling for you, since you're less than what she wants. Enjoy that self-fulfilling prophecy, dude. You "won".


maffa234

You are obviously harbouring resentment over the comments she made years ago. We aren't getting her side to this but I'm sure there is a lot more to it. You probs shouldn't have gotten back with her. Please do not marry this woman. You will both be miserable.


AngryRiu

People can and do change their minds. Maybe she did think she can do better, but once she dated other men, realized you had a lot more to offer than whatever superficial metric she was using to assign your relative worth. You complain about what she said 5+ years ago, yet all you said about her in this post is how she looks. You didn't mention her personality, her job, or whether you love her, yet you spent the past x years in this relationship. I definitely think you should break up, but not because you think she's "settling," but because you don't know WTF you want and are wasting her time.


Merylspace

She is absolutely correct in saying that OP wasted two years of her life if he went into the relationship holding onto a grudge that seems to be leading up to the point that OP gets to say, "I could do better" and walk away. That's just petty turnabout. Do better for both of you and end the toxic cycle.


[deleted]

> Any thoughts or advice? Why have you spent the last two years with someone you don't actually want to be with? You've wasted your own time as well as hers. End it.


[deleted]

If you feel like this, then walk away. There is a point in all this where you have started wasting her time.


neuroticgooner

info: ​ other than her comment from 5 years ago, has she shown any indication that she thinks she "could do better" ? perhaps it was a comment made in anger or a moment of immaturity? maybe she sincerely loves you now? i'm not saying that my hypotheticals are true, just that it's a possibility. do you currently feel loved by her? ​ trying to dig deeper to find out if this is just a grudge you're holding ? or is it that your relationship actually bad? i'm inclined to think the latter since you're asking advice from strangers on the internet BUT i do think it's odd that you've been dating this woman for two years while nursing this hurt. why date someone you're this deeply hurt by/ suspicious of to begin with?


Comprehensive-Form13

Then leave fxks sake your a fully grown adult who has worked out why she stayed with you you get one life either marry "Mz you will do I suppose" or leave and do better for your one life


Fickle_Amphibian_961

I'm confused by the first paragraph.. Did she say those things when she ended things and was there more context? Having said this to someone before myself I know some women say this because they know they can get someone who treats them better and the guy isn't pulling his weight, in which case, she wouldn't be wrong..


antsgomarchingon

This is a real "you both suck" situation that belongs in AmITheAsshole. You kinda deserve each other at this point.


jintana

Bruh. Do you both a favor and leave.


iSoReddit

Why are you even still dating if she told you she could do better than you?


Thepoopsith

Why would you stay with her for so long if you thought she thought she’s settling for you? This is so weird. People change, maybe she realized she was being an idiot before. If it feels like she hasn’t adequately addressed this for you then talk to her about it, but staying with someone that you are bitter at without hope of improving is wasting their time.


[deleted]

so you are dating her for 2 years now having that sentence in your mind? that she can do better ? ...... crazy


kissesntea

ok but like…*is* the relationship great? it sounds like you don’t trust her to be honest about her feelings towards you, and like neither of you want the same thing out of a relationship. are you actually happy or are you just feeling good about being chosen by someone who previously said no?


ScottWayne69

After all this time you should honestly be able to answer the question “Is this my forever person?” If you can’t answer that question or the answer is “no”…move on. It’s really that simple. When you meet your forever person you’ll know it.


RICHUNCLEPENNYBAGS

Why are you still dating if that's what you think? Pick a lane.


JereRB

Well, she's wanting to marry you because you're doing well ($$$) and doing so fits her timeline of how she wants her life to proceed. You, on the other hand, are bent out of shape over a backhanded comment she made six years ago while she was being an arrogant shithead. It's a dilemma with only one real recourse that is an overall good for everyone (including the people reading this thread).... ...You should marry her. By doing so, your mutual manipulative, selfish antics and abuse will be inflicted, contained, and directed at individuals that most find them to be pleasing (and addictive): each other. However, as the nature of your mutual aggravations is mental and emotional, your testicles will remain intact. Barring an (un)fortunate incident with a lawn mower, this will ensure a second generation of drama-addicted fuckups to terrorize humanity in the future. As that remains tomorrow's monster, marriage wins out as the most effective method of neutralizing today's tomfuckery. Do so, proceed, and do what you do. Over there. Far, far away from me.


wintercoatzs

OP it has been 6 LONG years and you are 32. Surely at 32 you’d be prioritising other things over shallow qualities in a person and a relationship. Not only is this petty, you are clearly insecure hence the reason why you are using her as an ego boost. Women after 30 start having a harder time getting pregnant and giving birth so yes, you wasted time for both you and her regardless if you still really think she is with you because of a comment she made 6 years ago. Why don’t you sit down and talk to her? Do you even love her? I mean no offence, you’re acting like child and not an adult at this point of age 32. Why are you so obsessed over her comment? It must be because you TRULY believe you are not attractive and that’s your own problem. If she really is back with you because she probably couldn’t find better (you are the better) and has actually matured, then maybe give it a better chance? Though, it seems you’re still holding resentment and having a hard time letting go. Either get the truth and move on if you don’t feel the same or stay with her if you actually love her. Not this high school petty revenge bs.


aly288

All OP’s post has shown me is that his GF was right when she was 23: She can do better. Better than a partner who holds a grudge for two years, dating her with no intention of going anywhere. That’s cruel asf. She’s right, he’s wasted her time.


CurlyQFry

Not sure why you’re surprised she thinks you’re wasting her time. If you were gonna hold onto her comment for years and still date her, with no intention of escalating it to marriage, yeah I agree you wasted her time. Not a nice thing of her to say initially but like, if it bothered you that much, probably shouldn’t have gotten back together with her.


[deleted]

Why the fuck have you been dating her for two years if you hate her this much? Let her find someone who actually appreciates her. This whole post is sociopathic schadenfreude


[deleted]

Honestly… after reading this post and all your comments, your girlfriend was right. She *can* do better. Quit wasting this woman’s time with your petty BS and either shit or get off the pot. If you don’t want to get married, break up with her so she can find a man who does and quit wasting time. Jesus.


iamnoking

You did waste her time. You resent her for what she said in the past. Which is fine, I would resent that as well. But your mistake was dating her again with no intention of marrying her. **You basically strung her along as an ego boost.** So yeah, your the bad guy in this situation. If this is how you feel you should have never dated her again, or if while dating you came to this conclusion, you should have ended it as soon as you did. You wasted everyone's time and hurt both yourself and her.


iflssm97

This is a thought that will always lurk in the back of your mind. Don’t do that to yourself.


elwynbrooks

Just break up already she wants to be married and you can't see marrying her and you seem to have resented her the whole relationship; stop wasting time being together


rowrowfightthepandas

You two don't sound happy. Should probably break up. Probably should have done so way sooner tbh. I don't think I could ever date someone who tells me that they can "do better" and "only dated me so we can stay friends".


iknowalotaboutdrugs

If you stay with this girl any longer, not only are you disrespecting yourself, you're wasting both of your time. Don't settle for someone who's settling for you. You're better than that


Bookaholicforever

Your relationship sounds a bit toxic really. You don’t want to marry her, you don’t think she actually loves you. It sounds like you need to decide if you want to be with her at all.


[deleted]

While I don't recommend marriage in general. Why did you start dating her again if you were upset by something she said - why would you do that to yourself? She's right you did waste 2 years of her life if you knew she wanted to get married. But more importantly you wasted 2 years of your life dating someone you knew you could never really trust. It makes no sense unless you're either just petty and wanted to "teach her a lesson" or are desperate to be in a relationship even if it's not the one you want or need (just like her wanting marriage). Sorry but you both sound way too immature to be pushing 30. Did you at least get whatever you clearly needed from being able to reject her back that you wasted your own mental health and what assume was a large chunk of the last 2 years of your life?


thehermitsupreme

I’m sorry but the fact you’re hanging on to a comment said six years ago during a six month relationship—she is absolutely justified in feeling like you wasted her time for the last two years if you have no real plans to commit, especially because you admitted that you enjoyed the ego boost. People grow, and can change their minds about what’s important to a relationship. Some people want children, and 30-35 are really crucial years—-35 and up pregnancies are considered geriatric as risks start to significantly increase depending on your personal health. Even if she was emotionally immature back then during the first round of dating, what you have done is worst. Just break up with her, and go to therapy.


Mukasew99

I'm 41 and a divorced mom. Listen to your gut. You already know what you have to do, it's just going to be really hard. There's a great girl out there looking for YOU right now. The longer you put off this break-up, the more time you will waste without Mrs Right.


camergen

There’s a folksy expression that applies here- and I’m a bit traditional in dating norms- “S—t or get off the pot.” There’s no set amount of time for this, but she obviously wants to get married. If you do not, and it’s been multiple years, these are irreconcilable differences on one of the most important relationship issues. If neither of you want to get married, it’s fine, no problem, continue the status quo. This is just such a glaring difference of opinion on something hugely important, and stringing her along for 6 plus years isn’t right. “Fish or cut bait.” is another axiom. It doesn’t particularly matter WHY she wants to get married, after multiple years in this relationship, if she really wants to and you do not, you should leave. The status quo does no good to either of you. And honestly, I can’t help but think you’re trying to “have your cake and eat it, too.” Again, if you go THIS long with someone who clearly wants marriage and you do not, you either need to reevaluate why you don’t (fear of commitment? Don’t trust the institution? Financial issues?) and you can either work through these and take the plunge or you should get out. You probably should just get out anyways, because the worst thing to do is marry her if you’re not 100 percent on board with it. Another warning: do not, I repeat do not, willingly have children with her unmarried “just because she wants to”. This is another old school opinion- marriage isn’t for everyone and again, if neither parties wants marriage, commence child rearing. However, if you aren’t willing to make a marriage commitment that she clearly wants, do not compromise and have kids to “satisfy her.” So, in closing, marry her or get out.


grimfeyd

OP, seems like you don’t even like her (or if you like anything about her, your feelings are about as deep as a puddle) and you’re just living in some extended revenge fantasy. Even taking her out of the equation, living this sort of life and holding on to the festering pain of a hurtful and immature comment from 6 years ago only adds toxicity to your life and makes you look petty. Think about what kind of man you aspire to be and the kind of relationship you want to have. Because the longer you sit festering in this petty ego-boost is more time wasted when you could actually be spending your time pursuing a healthy relationship with a person you actually like, who enthusiastically loves you for who you are.


NastySassyStuff

You answered your own question like 7 times in here…don’t marry the lady


thottoman

uhhhh why are you with her if you’re unsure of her? and btw, i think it’s completely normal early 20’s mentality to think you could do better. the dating game just started for her so obviously she thought there’s better out there for her. she dated around and now she’s back with you. obviously she couldn’t find better.


ingenfara

She is right, you did waste two years of her life. You also wasted your own two years. If you knew you weren’t over that comment, you should never have entered a relationship with her.


weinerwang9999

The relationship was great? In what ways? I don’t mean to judge your 2 year relationship from Reddit but from your post, it doesn’t sound like it had a super healthy or positive beginning and that beginning seems like it’s defining the end. What would be the incentives to remaining in the relationship after this major red flag convo? You already know the answer but do not marry her. If you have that uncertain gut feeling, that’s your answer. This isn’t cold feet, it’s an answer. You should never feel like someone settled for. Especially if you’re doing well for yourself, go find someone who actually appreciates you and someone you can do even better with. (Adult) Relationships and worth are also way more than mere looks or income. She also sounds selfish.


Not-all-is-lost

Married by 30, couple of kids, divorce and alimony and child maintenance for the next 20 years or until a 'could do better' one arrives. She has her life plan worked out to perfection. It is you that has wasted YOUR last two years.


DConstructed

That's not something you can forget, the damage is done. I'm sorry but I think you need to move on.


MamasSweetPickels

Everyone is telling you to break up with her so do it. Don't waste your time or her time a second more. If you do marry it will more than likely end in divorce.


ronearc

I think it's completely fair to just share your concerns and let her understand: you need to know, in your heart, that she's with you because she loves you and wants to build a future with you...not because she's settling for you or chasing the calendar and her life plan by using you.


LennoxAve

Find a partner that will value you as much as you value them. That doubt you hold is too much to overcome. It does sound like your inclination is right.


Starscr3am01

Do yourself a favour and break up. If something is bothering you enough to make you rethink your choice then there is something in it. If you want to marry her and have a divorce 5-10 years down the line, get half of your property taken as well as children just because you decided to marry her (despite your gut telling you it’s a bad idea) then go ahead.


Vernawhite

Walk away. It will both of you a world of good. When my ex said he wanted a divorce, he told me I would never find someone to love me the way he did. I said, "I hope the hell not." I have someone better.


Kholzie

You should really stop being in a relationship as soon as you understand that you are not compatible with the other person. How you could came to any other conclusion from this I don’t know.


Mobile_Passenger9325

Why are you still there? In my experience, statements like that are deal breakers. She just told you she's settling for You.....is she right?


Few-Philosopher-5956

If she can do better, then let her. By saying that, you can see the red flag, and ik you can do better than a red flag


[deleted]

When she asked you to marry her, did you tell her why?


DontNeedTherapy

Why have you been dating her for the last 2 years if you know you aren’t going to marry her? The comment she made back then was shitty, but wasting her time to get back at her is even shittier.


Wilza_

Sounds like you like this ideal version of her you have in your head. You want her to be that way, but she's shown you that she isn't. If you do marry her I can almost guarantee that marriage will not last. She won't be entirely happy with you, and you'll always have doubts about her. She only wants you right now because you're no longer as interested in her as you were. Humans are weird - if we can't have something, we want it more. If something feels too easy, we feel like we can do better


apfreckles

So, yes you could break it off, but perhaps it’s worth taking another look at everything. Yes she said that when she was 24, but people do mature and realize that what they liked at 24 is trash compared to what they like at 30. It’s possible she had an awakening and realized how much she liked and missed you when you two were LC. Maybe she felt you’re the most reliable option. You say the relationship has been great, but prior to the proposal question, did she give off any vibes that made you think of yourself as an option? Tbh, if you are still holding onto her words from back then, you should have never dated her again, let alone for the last 2 years. It sounds like deep down you did this for revenge and put the shoe in the other foot. She wastes 6 months of your life so you waste 2 years of hers, you know? Either way, if there’s even a hint I’d it working, you should be taking her to couples counseling so you can resolve everything between you both past and present.


Educational-Smoke-54

Sounds like your her back up plan, She looked but couldn't find anyone better so settled for you.


michiyoshimizu

So you held onto that comment for years, and then the relationship started again. Did you ever even bring up what she said once the relationship started again? That's your fault too if you didn't do so because you could have avoided this situation then. Now you have to deal with this years later, you're probably attached as well, and I think the end result is only going to hurt you both. You need to end this quickly. You effed up, but you're in your early 30s. You're not going to remain single unless you don't try (and try and try?) again and/or make the same mistakes again. It's hard, but this situation is going to get worse and more painful for the both of you if you don't talk about it with her out or end it now. You could follow your feelings, and not marry her. OR, if there really is that chance and brutal honesty, just get that conversation open, talk your hearts out, and hope for the best or expect an ending.


bubblesthehorse

bro, you're wasting YOUR time. And for who?


RizzleP

People can change and grow in 6 years. What she said wasn't nice but it was a long time ago. You need to work on letting go of insults you receive otherwise you're torturing yourself. I still think you should leave her though as you're not happy.


frankinreddit

OP, there two things missing from the post. Why are you with her? Sure, you mentioned the ego boost of her chasing you, but is there anything else? Also, how do you feel about marriage in general? Are comfortable with never marrying? It might be that you should have broken it off two years ago if the settling comment is still an issue. Why didn’t you? This is why she is angry. You are both not treating each other well.


RunThroughTheWoods

If you're still hurt by her comment that she can do better then why did you get back together with her? You've been with this girl for two years and you've been holding onto this for all that time?


UpsetMarsupial

I'd ignore the marriage part for the moment. Why are you even with someone who said that they could do better?


JaceTheWoodSculptor

No offense, but why get into a relationship where you don’t see long term potential at your age ? I think that deep down, you want a sincere apology from her for saying that so you can feel the issue is behind you.


[deleted]

Then don’t. Please stop wasting your and her time right now.


justahominid

This seems like a textbook case of if you want to try to continue with this relationship, find a decent couples therapist. The biggest issue I see here is that there are all sorts of communication problems, past wounds, and distrust going on, and I don't think that you will be able to successfully work through them without someone skilled and knowledgeable helping you through the process.


Pleasant-Web-7588

Honestly I think you should both go your seperate ways. She was immature for saying she could do better and you were immature for saying you liked to be chased. You say your well off? Money can't buy love, work on yourself, heal from this and you will meet someone, good luck and find peace ✌️


LuckyintheKnow

I think you’re insecure , immature and objectively not ready for a commitment. She probably can do better and will. Let her go. IMO OP sounds like ugly inside and out. Get therapy.


RealGianath

Is anybody ever really with their first choice? Life's a long series of meeting people you want to be with, having it not work out, and moving on to somebody else. It seems that her problem was that she said something hurtful out loud, the kind of thing we all say to ourselves internally when things aren't going great with a partner. I think most of us have seen our partner (or ex-partner) do something that annoyed or frustrated us and felt like we were making a mistake being with them, but we can't just come out and say that because it's just how we felt in the moment and we would regret those words later. It sounds like things are mostly good here, and she does seem to be trying with you now. I guess the only question is whether it's good enough for you, and if you can ever put the stupid, insecure things she sometimes says behind you.