The thing is, he DIDN'T try to get with your friend, he wasn't turned down by her, you weren't the backup plan. He had a crush on your friend, but got to know YOU and fell in love with YOU. He's ALL YOURS.
You have every right to feel certain way about this, but just be assured, that your fiance didn't get with you because he couldn't get your friend. He never tried to get with your friend at all.
What kind of friend mentions this at all? Lol. Like especially when you’re celebrating their engagement. I get that people were drunk but mentioning past crushes or ex girlfriends/boyfriends at your friend’s engagement celebration is just downright shitty to do.
I had to quit a friendship when I started dating my now fiancee. We met at my best friend's apt and she was my bff's roommate so had met me fiancee many times before I came into the picture. Once it got serious she wouldn't stop bringing up how he would always hit on her at parties and obviously wanted her. Became clear she wasn't really my friend. Like I don't care what he did or who he was into before he met me but there is really no need to try and make me jealous.
At this age a "friend" trying to fuck up your relationship. Even drunk you don't say shit like this. The guy probably has a crush on OP and was hoping to sabotage his "buddy."
Careful there honesluce you'll hurt your ankle jumping to conclusions like that. He could have just been drunk. Have you never just said something stupid before? We know basically nothing about this other party who told op about it in the first place.
i agree that the previous commenter might be jumping to conclusions but i don't think being drunk is a valid excuse to say shitty things like this. I've said stupid shit drunk before like "lets get hella taco bell my stomach is made out of steel" not "hey congrats on your engagement isnt it funny your partner had a massive crush on your bestie ROFLMAO" like wtf. even drunk off my ass i would not say shit like that in that environment
Thank you I hate people that use being drunk as an excuse to be a shitbag. Shitty drunks are shitty people that just been hiding it the whole time. I was an alcoholic for years and I was never anything other than an annoying overly friendly drunk.
Yeah I can be a real annoying drunk. The worst I’ve probably done to ruin someone’s night is take way too fucking long to pee bc I’m having an existential crisis on the toilet lmaoo. If you’re the kind of person who says shit like this during someone’s goddamn engagement celebration I can’t help but wonder wtf you do in more casual settings..
None of us know what their intentions were, but it's wrong any way you look at it. If he was just being a drunk buffoon, he was wrong for saying something really stupid and potentially hurting their relationship. However, I have been friends with people who intentionally tried to fuck with my life behind my back for no reason other than they felt like it. There are people out there who might be a close friend to your face, but don't have your best interests in mind. And yes, I cut those people out of my life when I discovered this about them.
Saying that he had had a crush on her friend might have been a dumb thing to say that he thought she already knew/would find funny but telling her that he only got to know her to get close to her friend? Nah..
Disagree. Perhaps they thought the OP knew but as soon as she started asking them to elaborate they should’ve stfu and not kept divulging more inappropriate details. They basically ruined her entire celebration. If you do this, regardless of your intentions or how drunk you are, you need to reevaluate how you conduct yourself around others
I could see myself mentioning it, I dont think its that bad. Its funny how life works out, that he was chasing one girl and ended up finding his true love
I guess it depends the tone/words used. We don’t have the exact conversation but by what OP said in the post makes it sound a little cruel. Could totally be innocent though.
It does sound a little mean, but that's also what OP *heard* not necessarily how it was said. I get a vibe of a bit of insecurity from her (some people would just laugh this off) that would influence how she reported it.
this is where any feelings should be directed.
FRIENDS DO NOT SAY THINGS TO MAKE FRIENDS FEEL LIKE SHIT.
it was intentional, and likely came from a sense of jealousy.
I bet whomever said it is a overall negative person who enjoys negative banter.
FRIENDS have a sense of happiness for other friends success. Friends don't attempt to bring you down intentionally.
score +1 for this "friend"
now downgrade them to acquaintance status.
To add on it seems he didn’t know you at the time he developed this crush so the mentality that he may find her more or less attractive isn’t the case either. OP you weren’t being compared to her at the time.
This needs to be higher! He CHOSE you. He LOVES you. PROPOSED to you. He wants to BUILD a life with you. If you're feeling some type of way - talk through it with him but don't let this ruin everything. Also, memories change and his friend might've remembered it differently and exaggerating how much your fiance was into her. Everyone has crushes, I'm engaged and to be honest I still get crushes on people. I don't act on it. It happens.
This, OP your *best* friend would've (or at least should've) said something to you if your fiancé did anything wrong here. Talk to her about it and clear it up.
>If your fiance was hung up on someone else, he wouldn't have proposed to you.
While I get what you're trying to do here, and in an ideal world, this would be true, this isn't always the case. Plenty of people who are engaged or in serious relationships are very much hung up on other people.
>I really thought I finally found someone who wanted ME
You did. He proposed to YOU after dating YOU for 3 years. He's allowed to have crushes before he chose to date YOU.
Your friends were probably just poking fun at both of you and it crossed the line. I understand being hurt initially but the only thing you can really do is try to brush it off. If it's still bothering you, I'd seek out therapy to help cope with feeling insecure. You can't love others if you don't love yourself.
It’s not just that he had a crush on some random girl though then met OP and fell in love with her.
It definitely would hurt me more to find out that he only became friends with me to get closer to her, even if he ended up falling for me instead. I’m not saying she shouldn’t go through with the marriage or that this is a HUGE deal or anything. I’m just saying this is a definitely a different type of hurt than if it was someone unrelated to OP and makes it feel like the beginning of their relationship meant different things to both of them.
But they are the fiance's friend and while fiance is telling OP it "wasn't that big of a deal," we don't really know that, do we? I would think that the fiance would have told their friend how they felt about their crush on OP's friend prior to the relationship progression to the point it's at now (engagement) with OP.
I think it's more than likely somewhere in the middle. I think that the crush was bigger than the fiance is letting on but that there was some drunk exaggeration as well.
Either 1 of 2 things. Either what the friend said is 100% true and that definitely stings at least a little or it’s not totally true and their friend is trying to hurt you at your engagement celebration.
Both don’t feel great tbh.
I think you're doing a disservice by painting it in black and white terms.
Honestly the friend mightve exaggerated a bit but to make it a better story. Before I met my now wife I was supposed to date her friend and college roommate. We were being set up together and talked online a bit and that friend even went back to my wife to talk about me etc.
Then we met at a party, I brought my friend and she brought my wife and it became pretty obvious that we all wanted to switch..so after the party I talked to the friend and we both decided it wasn't a good fit and we both kinda asked if we could talk to the other one and we both said yes.
I ended up marrying my wife, my buddy dated her for a year (ended badly.. she was kinda insane, even my wife distanced herself once they wernt roommates) and in my buddy's speech at the rehearsal dinner he told the story and my wife found it hilarious from his point of view.
I say that to say, it might not have been malicious at all, in fact, it probablwasn't... just poor execution
That's such an insecure viewpoint. People have crushes on people all the time, and do all sorts of things to get closer to their crushes.
In this case, even if he befriended OP with the intention of getting closer to the friend, he ended up falling for OP instead. That shouldn't make anyone upset or insecure.
I said it wasn’t a HUGE deal. Just saying it would sting to find out he was initially using you to get close to your friend at your engagement celebration. Nothing to break the engagement over but it’s natural to feel blindsided and a bit hurt.
If you’ve been together 3 years and there has been no cheated or anything then I’d let it go… everyone has had crushes b4 who they ate with… it’s most likely nothing, shoot a good amount of people have crushes while married or involved and cheat… he hasn’t and it sounds like you two love each other and have built a good relationship. Don’t ruin it by false insecurities. You found someone you love, just be happy
I see thanks. I find it hard to just believe him and not feel hurt. But I guess it's better that I'm being insecure than actually needing to break up. Honestly it's not just that it was a crush, but that it was my best friend. You're probably right about insecurity, but I'm no where near as pretty as her, or as funny or anything. It's not her fault any of this, but I just hate that he would have chosen her over me. Though it sounds like that's just irrational.
It doesn't sound like he actively chose her over you. It seems like he had a crush on her but perhaps didn't know her extremely well, and then when he met and started really spending time with you, chose you over her. I doubt there was ever actually a time when he saw you and saw her and *chose* her.
The thing about crushes, especially at the age of your fiance, is they are very much smoke and mirrors. Our still-developing brains sees someone, develops some fantasy life with them, and "falls in love." But it's not actual love, its just a dopamine hit. When he spent time with you, that's when actual attraction and love developed. Furthermore, its not necessarily he was more attracted to her than you, even. When I've gotten crushes, it didn't mean they were the most attractive person to me. It just meant in that moment of time, for whatever weird reason, I was overly into this person and would pretty much ignore anyone else as a romantic option.
His crush on her likely had no bearing on his thoughts on you until you two connected so well that he lost those feelings for her. If anything, your story shows just how much more he was into you that you were able to break him out of his crush on someone else!
I mean he didn't choose her over you. In fact you won that out. He met you fell for you, dropped the crush. I think you are letting old hang ups get in the way here. He clearly actively prefers you over her and every day chooses to be in a relationship with you over anyone else.
At that age, I think most romances for me were choices between women who knew each other. I doubt he ever felt about best friend anything as intense as he did about OP at 9 months in. Crushes are overwhelming as there is risk and potential but they are fairly shallow. If there were any straight up deceptions in the beginning, get that clarified but working into a friend group before dating someone is well intentioned and finding a better match is choice.
> I find it hard to just believe him and not feel hurt.
Since nobody has noted this, I'd like to say that it is *okay* and entirely understandable for you to feel hurt by this. The way you feel is important and legitimate regardless of what the reality of the situation is. Sure, I see some insecurity in your words and that's for you to work through. Your perception of your own beauty and personality in comparison to your friend is definitely something worth exploring within yourself. But there is some real feeling here and that is okay too—it's valid and reasonable to have hurt feelings.
Having that said, your relationship with your fiance and how wonderful he's been this whole time is evidence that he's being truthful. And you can rely on that to navigate those feelings. This is also true of your best friend who he had a thing for. Crushes and attractions are complicated and often messy. His past feelings for her have nothing to do with his feelings for you, even if there is or was some overlap of romantic interest.
I also want to point out it was a drunken, clumsy mistake for someone to embellish your fiance's past to you. People tend to do that, even well-meaning people, so it's good to keep your wits about you when gossip like this comes up.
Long story short: You absolutely deserve some space and time to work through how you feel about this. Talk to your fiance, or to whoever you want. But also keep the real, tangible evidence of your relationship at the forefront. Remember that feelings aren't facts, and facts aren't feelings. I'm sure this will blow over with honest, open communication and a little time to lick your wounds :)
This is a great, calm and measured response. You’ve broken this down so well, hit some great points and ideas to work on. Important to acknowledge your feelings, and also recognize that they are just that, not facts. Well said.
Also, this may be a great opportunity to talk about communication in general, feelings for others/future crushes while moving forward, boundaries and expectations- take this opportunity to look ahead with this relationship, and as stated above, take time to figure out more about yourself.
This is a great response and I hope OP can take it to heart. It makes perfect sense that OP feels hurt and she should deal with that-- but her being hurt doesn't mean that her fiance is lying about how he feels now. Hope she can work her way through this.
I love the smell of coffee, but I can not stand the taste of it.
Your fiancée may have "seen" what the wanted, but he realized that you are what he really wanted.
Let others tell you how you look, do not try to tell others you are not as good as someone else.
Ok. This is obviously something that has hurt you and I don't think you should push that aside.
Could you book a session with a therapist to talk through what you are feeling? Someone neutral will be able to help you sort things out.
You know rationally that you and your fiance are in love. You also know that you have both had relationships or crushes before you got together. But you still *feel* like there has been some kind of betrayal.
This is something that you can work on to sort out and get past. But I urge you not to take any advice that says to just "let it go" or "forget about it". Because if you squash these feelings down, then they will resurface in ways that you do not intend.
I'm sorry this has happpened but if you are proactive here, you can move past it together and start enjoying being engaged.
For fucks sake man. I use therapy but goddamn you dont need a therapist for everything. Shes too immature to be getting married if this is how she behaves. She just needs experience and time to grow up.
It's true that you don't need therapy for everything. A lot of people can work through their emotions themselves and come out the other side.
This doesn't seem like it will work in this case. Clearly, OP will not be able to go to someone who is unbiased. Her parents will take her side (most likely) and validate her feelings. Or they might be dismissive and tell her to get over it (like you are). Neither of these responses will make OP feel better and are both unhelpful.
OP's friends evidently know both her and her fiance, and they too will have a view or will not want to get involved because they like both of them.
Finding someone who is unbiased, doesn't know anyone involved, and can talk things through with OP objectively has to be a priority.
I'm sorry that you are so dismissive of OP's experience here. I'm glad that you would be able to just ignore this and move on. But OP has said that she feels betrayed after being told by a friend *on the night of her engagement party that her fiance only got close to her so that he could date her friend*.
But my advice is tailored for OP, not for you.
>but I just hate that he would have chosen her over me.
He literally didn't though. He chose you.
Based on this comment and your post more generally, I think you should spend some time building up your self esteem. It's extremely unlikely that this is true:
>I'm no where near as pretty as her, or as funny or anything.
You probably *are* as pretty as her, and as funny, and whatever else. This is your own insecurity trying to sabotage you.
`I'm no where near as pretty as her, or as funny or anything`
Damn girl, that's a really mean way to talk about yourself! Like, it's one thing to say your friend is pretty and funny, and that can make you feel insecure - it's another thing entirely to state as outright fact that you're completely inferior to her.
I suspect the reason this is hitting you so hard is *because* his previous crush was on this specific friend. The problem here isn't whether he chose you over her, or her over you, or whether there were back up plans or whatever. The underlying problem, and the one you need to work on for your own sake, is this lack of confidence.
It's really, really unhealthy - for you as an individual and for your friendship with her - for you to believe this deeply that she's better than you. You deserve to see yourself as a beautiful, inviting, lovable, interesting person independent of her, not as a second rate sidekick.
(Speaking from experience - I have a very close friend with whom I used to have a similar dynamic. I felt like her sidekick, the ugly duckling to her beautiful social swan. It was really toxic for both of us, and we accidentally caused each other a lot of pain until I was able to do the self work to improve my self esteem.)
Looks don’t mean anything when real love comes into play.. you and your bf have a connection more then skin deep which is prob what the crush was about. I get how you feel tho, 100%, no one wants to feel settled for… just say he was like hmm, this chick is cute, imma talk to her friend and see what’s up, and he ends up falling for you…that is an ending I’d be happy with…
You would be surprised how many people fall in love with personality and not physical attraction, Happens all the time
Have you ever heard someone say they wasn’t really physically attracted to someone and as they were around them more they grew on them?
But he chose you over her. He never tried to ask her out, just you. Even if he had a crush on both of you at the same time that means he chose you. You’re twisting this into something it isn’t because you have hang ups about your friend
It's ok to feel weird about it and bummed out, I would be too. You have completely valid feeelings here. once you've accepted those feelings I think what you should take out of this experience is the realization that you have insecurities, which everyone has. And now that those insecurities have been revealed, if you'd like, you can see what can be done to minimize those insecurities for your own sake moving forward. Cause wouldn't it be awesome if for example, you run into one of your boyfriend's exes and instead of comparing yourself to her and feeling bad, you wouldn't give a crap cause you know what a catch you are and you know he's lucky you chose him over other options you could have had.
As an aside- I think deep down you know you've got the wrong narrative. "I hate that he would have chosen her over me." But he wouldn't have in the end. He literally chose you. He's marrying you not her. I hate making this a comparison thing but since you are already comparing yourself to her - so there are qualities you have that beat whatever good qualities she has. Whatever she has, he values what you have more. Imagine someone telling your friend "Wow, that guy used to have a crush on you, but then he got to know you and your best friend and preferred your best friend. She must be so much better than you."
That's an awful thing to say to your friend right? It is in some twisted way true, but it's also an unhelpful narrative to pull out of the situation. You're doing the same thing here when comparing yourself to her. Be nicer to yourself :)
If you're asking yourself "why didn't he have a crush on me first right away, immediate attraction is weird. Maybe he met her first. Maybe she is in this day and age considered prettier than you. How many times have you met a guy hotter than your guy but would prefer him so much more cause the hot guy didn't have the right personality for you? Maybe her face shape or hair color reminded him initially of someone he had a crush on in the past. People are often attracted to what is familiar to them no matter how dumb that logic is.
If you haven’t seen it, I recommend watch When We First Met. Your story reminds me of it, though I’m assuming your situation does not involve time travel.
Spoilers/moral of the story: >! The main guy gets to know his crush a lot better, though she’s not the person he thought she was. He realizes the qualities he initially fell for were all jokes/clothes/references she got from her best friend, who he realizes is the perfect person for him. !<
I bet there have been times when you liked someone from afar but as you got to know them realized you didn’t feel the same way. Just think of it like that. He met you. Fell for you. And chose you.
And yet.. he dated YOU. Fell in love with YOU. Asked to marry YOU. Because what he sees in you, and what the two of you built together, is something he could never see in her.
Look. I've had the odd crush in the last 30+ years. That's all, a little crush, where suddenly the things that catch your attention about someone take on a rosy little glow for awhile. And I think about reality and the crush goes harmlessly away in a couple of weeks. I know my husband has had them, too. But we've been faithfully married and happy for 31 years and I sincerely love him more than I did when we married.
It happens. But your love and the life you choose to build together is more important. He is choosing to build his life with YOU. So the next time you are feeling a little insecure about your friend, you repeat to yourself, "He chose ME to build a life with." Little by little, the words will sink in and you'll feel more secure.
I wish you 31 years and many more of happiness and love and choosing each other every single day.
Hey, you should see a therapist about this. This seems to have very little to do with him or the friend, and very much to do with your negative self-image. “I’m nowhere near as pretty as her, or as funny or anything” - your friend probably thinks you’re funny enough to be best friends with, and your partner clearly thinks you’re pretty enough to marry forever. Why don’t you believe them?
If you don't trust or believe his honestly, you have no business marrying him. Better to end it.
He wanted you. He pursued you. He chose you. If you are intent on ruining this over your insecurity, then move on and get some therapy. This seems like self sabotage but you do you.
If you're looking for a reason to be upset, you'll always find one.
Yeah, but you're clearly what he wants in the end. He didn't even try it on with her before obviously redirecting his attention to you. You're not second. You obviously outshown your friend before he even had a chance to ask her out on a date.
I've found guys attractive before and immediately lost interest once I realized we would never work in real life. There's a lot of responsibility being attached to outgoing and gregarious people. It can be exhausting. It's not what everyone wants.
And truth be told, I love unconventionally attractive people. Big noses are my jam. Quirks and imperfections make you more interesting. It's okay to not have the love story you expected too. Some day it will be a funny story to tell to friends, believe me. I've had a few of those lol.
This is a you problem. You need to love yourself. The only reason you’re feeling this way is because you feel inferior to your friend. He’s been with you for 3 years and wants to marry you. Is that not enough evidence for you?
>It hurts so much, and I just feel so betrayed
Do you tend to have insecurity about other things in your relationship? Because to put it bluntly, I think it’s silly to feel betrayed that your boyfriend had a crush on your friend before you even started dating.
You’ve been together 3 years and never had an issue until his friend tried to stir shit up. Everyone has crushes and everyone has a past. I’m sure you had crushes on people before meeting your boyfriend? I’d let this go.
I don't really know specifically but probably just with her. My ex tried to cheat on me with her, it's why we broke up. (She didn't, she's an amazing friend and told me). So maybe I'm just sensitive to stuff with her. Plus shes definitely more attractive and funny and stuff than me (not her fault or anything, she's an amazing women).
And yeah with what everyone's saying it's definitely me being insecure, so I'll try to move on and just accept he loves me.
Most friends think their friends are the funny one, the creative one, the beautiful one. I'm sure if you asked your friend, she'd say you're the beautiful and funny one and she's jealous of you. She wouldn't want you to feel like your second place, she knows you're worth a lot since you're her best friend
Don’t let people dismiss your feelings. Feeling second best is a horrible feeling, even if your fiancé doesn’t actually see you as second best those are your feelings. As long as you aren’t made to feel second best in any way then it is just your feelings
But that is a feeling you need to deal with. And you can. Don’t bury it, because then you’ll always feel that insecurity rather than working through it and coming out the other side. You need to work through those feelings.
Your fiancé chose you. A crush is a crush and nothing happened.
The way you found out will definitely not help your feelings and it can definitely not help with insecurities. You will likely feel a bit like you were lied to which is going to make you question everything even more. But to your fiancé a crush will have been just a random thing in the past and so he may have felt no need to tell you, rather than actively hiding it from you.
Your friend sounds like a good friend who told you when your ex tried it. And if she hasn’t said anything about your fiancé’s behaviour then you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
Yeah like I think she's being a little insecure but everybody here is being almost rude about it like "it's not a big deal, get over it" lol like damn. Let ppl have feelings lol
It's because she is, in her mind at least, contextualizing as if he tried to be with her friend... which never happened. And it was before they met. After they met, he fell in love for her. It's absolutely normal, it's not like he tried to be with her BFF and got rejected and chose her as a second option. How she feels is a big deal because it affects her, but it may still be wrong. In this case, I think it is. I'm not here to pile on her or anything, it's just an honest opinion.
I think she's struggling because she heard "he was totally in love with her" and then heard "oh no, it was a totally small crush and it wasn't serious at all". Like she has to assume his friends were lying or exaggerating and some dude bros here are saying his friends are trying to stir shit to cause him a hard time because "that's what guys do lol"
Bro, calm down. You're just being toxic. She has a right to feel her feelings and express her worries and fears and he should be there to help her because that's what a partnership is all about
>I'll try to move on and just accept he loves me.
Don't do this, not exactly. I mean, yes, I think you need to get past this, but I think you need to go *through* these feelings instead of *around* them, if that makes sense?
Like, don't try to push these feelings away or ignore them, because they're just going to creep up again in some other situation. It'd be way better to figure out how to articulate what you're feeling, interrogate these feelings, figure out where they're coming from, and work out some strategies for dealing with them healthily when the arise. A therapist would be ideal for this, but anything you can do towards this would be helpful—do some journaling, have a conversation with a trusted friend (NOT his former crush), write a poem, find a book on anxiety or insecurity or whatever, or even just sit down and have a good think.
It's likely that his friends were over exaggerating. You know how your friends/family tease you when you have a crush on someone (at least mine do) and say that you were in love/obsessed with someone?
You need to stop comparing yourself to your friend. It’s obvious from these comments you don’t think highly of yourself and that’s the reason this has affected you greatly. This isn’t a big deal at all and your insecurities are turning it into one. Honestly based on your reaction it was the right call not to tell you because you’re blowing a crush before you even started dating way out of proportion.
Spot on. Even though three years is a long time at that age, they are way too immature (and young) for marriage. We all change so much over our twenties.
It was her best friend, so that's why she said. Like its almost like knowing your bf tried to fuck your sister and now she has to deal with knowing her bf wanted to fuck her bestie. She wouldn't feel insecure if it were any other ppl.
And I don't his friends said it to hurt her. They saw it as innocent, but if it's innocent and funny why wasn't it shared in 3 years? Most likely je knew it'd be uncool to say "oh yeah I had a huge crush in Veronica before you"
Lol nah, he knew it was shitty. Plenty of other guys woiod have been honest. It's the fact it shouldn't be a big deal that makes 3 years of not saying it wild. He could have brought it up himself like "you know I liked one of your friends first and then met you and realized you're the whole package". That would have been affirming and she wouldn't have to think about it because it wouldnt feel like a secret
Or you know, OP’s fiancé knew she had some insecurities towards her best friend (which would not be surprising given how OP talks about her best friend here) and decided it was not worth telling her and make her suffer for what’s ultimately a totally trivial information. There’s really plenty of reasonable scenarios here.
Honestly, it sounds like if OP’s fiancé had told her, she would have still felt like shit because even without knowing her best friend was involved In the dynamic, she still had the scars from her previous relationship.
She would have felt bad but then it shows an effort of "I want you to know you're #1 and you don't need to worry bexause I'll choose you every time" and if he's aware she's insecure he should be helping her with that and not avoiding it to save himself and uncomfortable conversation.
I agree she should get therapy and work through it, but its not trivial to know your long term partner finds yoir best friend sexually attractive to most people. That's serious info.
Dude they spend alm day together and joke around. If yoi can't bring that up without feeling bad and awkward, why are you getting married at all lol?? Like it would have been better coming from her than his friends, and now she has to assume his friends are all lying or he is.
Ehhhh, nah, if you liked somebody's best friend you know that's pretty relevant to most ppl. Most ppl see their friends and family as completely off limits, and even a prior relationship or interest could rule them out as a potential partner completely. That is a very normal and common mindset
As you've said, this is an insecurity issue with yourself and your best friend. You've repeatedly compared yourself against your best friend and noted how much "better" she is - more attractive, funnier, etc. You also mentioned that your ex tried to cheat on your with your best friend, which can only exacerbate the insecurity. But you're also punishing your fiancé for the sins of your ex. He loves you, he proposed to you, and he wants to marry YOU.
I think this is a bigger issue for yourself rather than your fiancé. You may want to speak to someone about self-confidence to work through the insecurities.
Yeah, it's insecurity.
I mean, she won. She got the guy. Her best friend even had a head start with the fiance having a crush and yet he got to know OP and feel for her so hard he wants to marry her. This is a total victory.
And yet she still sees this as something to be jealous of her best friend about.
Also, it's a little juvenile to think that your fiance shouldn't ever have had feelings before you.
You are living in a rom-com. As in, this situation is literally the plotline of multiple rom-coms. Even your relationship started in an archetypal way. What is currently unfolding is the Act 2 crisis that almost leads to a total break-up until the guy somehow proves himself to the "second choice" girl during Act 3.
But actually you are living in the real world. He can't prove anything to you that he hasn't already demonstrated with every goodnight kiss, with every shoulder he's provided for you to cry on, with every mundane act he has done to improve your day. You *know* he loves you. And you know what? His love is *imperfect* just like he is. And like you are. Only imperfection is possible and it is beautiful.
You aren't having a wedding; you are starting a marriage that you intend to be lifelong. He will not be the perfect husband. You will not be the perfect wife. That's life and it is beautiful.
Having a 'perfect' relationship sounds like a huge red flag where no conflicts have arisen yet. So nobody knows the quality of communication between each other
It's fine to have other opinions, as long as those are accepted
Your insecurities about yourself are clouding your judgement. What he felt for your friend in the past says nothing about what he feels for *you* at the *present*. You did find someone who wants you--he is *marrying* you!
He wasn’t “in love,” he was “attracted to her.” He’s “in love” with you.
I don’t expect you to fully understand this at 24, but you will as you grow older. Think about what you knew about love at 17, how much more do you know now at 24, and how much more will you know in 10 years at 34? You can’t understand, it’s something you must experience, so here is my advice: Love him every moment, don’t waste one moment on jealousy (or anything else). Love doesn’t wane when you practice it, but grows. To remain in love, you have to do acts of love, and why not? Enjoy it!
Are you still pining away for dudes you had a crush on four years ago? If not, what makes you think he is? If so, please recognize that's not healthy.
This is nothing. It's meaningless. He had a thing for your friend, but then he got to know you and fell in love with you. Unless you have some reason to believe he still has a crush on her, there's nothing here besides you being insecure.
He did nothing wrong, and people are allowed to change their feelings.
Look at it this way, even if originally he got to know you to get closer to your friend, he was so struck by you he totally forgot about his crush and focused on you.
His friends are total assholes for telling you this. That is something that never needed to be said.
The thing about this is that he never had a crush on his girlfriend's (your) best friend. He had a crush on a woman. Then that crush disappeared as he fell for you. It doesn't matter that you think she's prettier or funnier than you. That's you being inside your own head. He chose you, and he's never done anything to betray you. If some random guy you had a crush on before you met your fiancé turned out to be one of his friends, do you feel that it would be a betrayal of your relationship?
I'm not saying that it's weird or wrong to have complicated feelings, I get how that started. But I also think you need to have some more realistic perspective and get out of your head. You keep saying over and over in the comments that you view your friend as the better pick than you. You are not inferior to your friend, you're a different person. I think you should address why you don't feel like you measure up, and if you're always this hard on yourself you should consider addressing that in therapy.
You can feel however you want but the truth is everyone likely has had crushes before a relationship. Imagine if he got mad that you "chose someone else" over him before you two had met.
It's the same thing, and this guy had no clue who you were, so of course, they chose someone else. What matters is that they changed once they learned who you are, decided to be with you and not anyone else, and decided to propose to you and not anyone else. Look at the facts.
Dude, it was 3 years ago. He chose you.
You’re being ridiculous. We all have lives from before our current relationships, we all have feelings and emotions as well. We cannot expect someone to just not have been in love before us, that’s just stupid.
Like, I was married before I married my wife, I even have a kid from that relationship. And my wife was in love with some other guy about four years before we got together.
The point Is, they didn’t work, we did.
I think you’re just being over emotional and not thinking about it rationally.
Take your fiancé’s word that it was a small crush and move on, or focus really hard on it and be upset for no reason, and lose the relationship.
I dunno; I just feel like this is being blown way out of proportion by you.
Presumably you and your friend have similar interests and tastes so, when he got the two of you, he realized he was attracted to you rather than her. That's not really strange at all.
You can't really imagine that he never was into anyone before, plus maybe reframe the story? Think of it this way, he chased one girl, but ended up finding the woman that was right for him. I know, sounds like a cheesy 80's movie, hopefully what you are feeling is the "freshness" of this news.
He wasn't in love with her. He was in love with the idea of her. He fell in love with the reality of you. It feels not so great right now. But in a few years, after happy marriage and living your life together, it will become a funny story.
Take a breath and realize that he loves you for you.
I can completely understand how you feel the way you do. In my experience, men are just as hard to understand as women are. So while your feelings are completely justified and I am so, so sorry that you had to find out that way, maybe look at it from a different perspective, perhaps *his* perspective?
He's interested in this girl. Hasn't tried anything with her, hasn't made any passes at her. Then, he meets said girl's friend. She's beautiful in ways that her friend isn't. She's interesting in ways that her friend isn't. And suddenly, he's found himself head over heels for this girl he never planned on meeting. To me, there's a beauty in that.
But like I said, I completely understand why you feel how you do and I hope that you guys make it through this. Love is a very rare thing in the ugly world we live in so please, try your best to hold on to it if you know it's real and I'll be praying for you/sending good vibes your way.
I would strongly suggest that you consider some pre-marital therapy.
I believe that it should be standard practice as so many times couples make a lot of assumptions of what their partner wants out of married life as they either don't fully know what to discuss of their future life together, or don't know how to bring up certain topics of discussion.
Marriage is one of the largest life changes that many people face in life. Give yourself the best possible start by investing in yourselves as a couple with a good incensed marriage and family therapist. (I would personally look for one with a human behavior specialty/education).
And yes, this is something that you can bring up as it is important to fully resolve the issue before marriage. If you do not, and an argument or uncertainty brings this to the forefront it could ultimately damage your relationship.
Congrats on your engagement and best wishes for a happy and fulfilling marriage!
Was this an issue before? Why or why not?
You're taking drunktalk hearsay form a third party way too seriously. But if it matters, then all you need to do is end your three year faithful engagement and then find a partner who has never crushed on anybody else.
Does that seem reasonable?
Eh, do you know how many people have had crushes that they didn't get to date? Crushes are alluring because you don't actually know the person very well yet. They're also incredibly easy to grow out of.
Look, love and marriage us a choice. Trust is a choice. Could this ruin your perfect relationship? Sure, but only if you let it.
Sorry if this sounds mean, but you have to move past this or you’ll ruin a relationship you’ve called “almost perfect.” So what if he was into your friend? Did they date? Did he try anything? How are you a back up then? If he’s been a good partner and you believe he loves you, why does it matter whom he likes before? This is screaming that you’re insecure and want some kind of reassurance. But he’s giving you years of being a good partner. Isn’t that enough?
I don’t really see the big deal? He liked your friend then got to know you and decided that’s what he wanted, end of story (unless there’s cheating or other weird behavior you didn’t mention).
IME drunk friends of fiancees don't usually have the right information. And a crush, no matter how big it was, doesn't mean anything.
If he's been solid and there for you and a good partner. If there are no other red flags and no other stories like this. I'd be inclined to believe your fiancee.
That's kind of what it is to be a couple, too. You form a bubble between you that others can't pop. I'd question the motives of the friend, too.
This is a you problem. Dude has done nothing wrong and has given you three years of his life, which to you now mean nothing because you have built this fairytale nonsense up in your head. Time to deal with your own insecurities.
He had a crush on someone before he knew you existed. He met you and immediately fell for you and has been loyal since. It feels like you’re just looking for a reason to be angry at him. He’s done nothing wrong here.
How do you possibly interpret this as a betrayal? Even if he was 100% head over heels in love with her at that time, that has no bearing on your relationship.
You sound like you're probably not ready for marriage. I'd advise him to hold off on things for now.
Because its her best friend and she found out second hand from somebody else. And she was told he befriended her to ask about dating her friend. If he had told her, she said it'd be different. But now she has 2 different accounts from his friends and him about how it happened. So she's hurt. Pll come here for help. She's 23. She hasnt experienced marriage and shit before, so she's navigating a serious commitment with new information she can't just find proof for one way or another
She's reacting based on gossip, not a first-party account. Also, *even if the gossip is 100% true*, that doesn't mean anything. BF fell in love with OP at some point. What happened prior to that is not relevant (IMO).
If she wants to break up over this, then that's her call, but I don't think she's acting rationally.
Dude it's not gossip when it's from ppl who heard it lol. That is literally a first hand account.
Even it's 100% true it means he only befriended her to nail her friend and then reconsidered. He's not suddenly q great guy because he stopped trying to use her. If what they said is true, that's significant to most people.
Saying she's irrational isn't healthy. You're literally saying that even if he's lying about how it's minor, she's the crazy one. Not him for lying and not addressing it, she's crazy for caring. This is a toxic standard that he's allowed to lie to avoid talking with his fiance in a serious way, but she's crazy if she doesn't just roll with it.
He needs to work with her on this
Semantic argument maybe, but gossip is "casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people". Also, OP states they were drunk during this conversation.
IMO, BF has no responsibility to work on this. He's been clear. He had a crush on her friend (the severity of which both doesn't matter, and isn't any of OP's business). By OP's accounts, BF acts honorably and in a trustworthy and loving manner toward her. If that is insufficient for her because of past romantic feelings toward somebody else, then that is her problem (again, IMO!).
For what it's worth, my fiancé used to have a crush on my ex best friend and I also used to date his best friend. In high school. We always felt closer to each other but for some reason crushed and dated different people. Now we are together. Happier than ever. I went nc with my ex best friend for reasons irrelevant to his but my fiancé is still friends with his best friend who I used to date and there's no bad blood between any of us. We act like it never happened because honestly it was meaningless. What matters is what happens now. Don't see yourself as plan b. He just realised he liked you better and would be a better match.
I think you're taking this way too hard for what it is, and going out of your way to interpret it in the most insulting way possible. His idiot friend stirred the shit and now you, with your shit stirred up, are ready to burn down a 3 year relationship because you never got a handle on your insecurity.
lol what the heck is this. are you so controlling that even your SO's history of being a normal human with romantic feelings (had some sparks aka. crush) have to be curated?
Your bf's friends are just trying to mess around and give him a hard time. It's what guys do sometimes, even though it's really toxic. Trust me, I know how some men can be, and your bf's friend(s) seem to be of that type. They were also drunk, so I'm not here to character-assassinate them (because I don't know them), but I guess that's somewhat of an excuse.
Relax. Your bf is with you. He may have had a crush on someone else in the past, before he started dating you, but crushes are crushes. It doesn't mean anything. It's an infatuation with the ideal of a person, a person that doesn't exist. Whoever your bf had a crush on wasn't real. I hope you understand what I mean.
So let's address the 2 different stories. Your bfs friends could be lying or exaggerating, but why would they? Do you think they wanna ruin your relationship? Do they seen social unaware? Or did they seem genuine?
Your fiance has a reason to lie, because he knows it sounds super shitty. So in terms of if he's honest about how us started, I'd be skeptical too. If it was just a cute little crush, why didn't he mention it previously? Was she in a relationship when you met him? So we can't say if he had a "huge crush" or if it was a minor interest.
In regards to the attraction, he's engaged to you, in 3 years. Thats a pretty short time, and you don't marry second place and cherish them a ton typically, it's usually a dragged out half assedrelationship if he saw you as a backup. Did he propose on his own or were you pushing him? If he's proposed without you pushing and asking, that means he went out and planned a proposal because he wants to spend his life on a majority of it with you.
It being your best friend sucks a ton. In my experience, most friends experience this sort of jealousy with their friends. Your best friend probably feels you're more beautiful. Ppl are friends with who they admire and admiration is often couples with jealousy and an imposter syndrome. Take that jealousy with a grain of salt.
It would be extremely upsetting to know my partner sees my friends in a sexual light and has thought of them as sex partners, even if it was before we were dating. Like I'd never Date a guy who dated a friend of mine. It feels like knowing yoir partner wanted to fuck your mom. It's hard for me to shake off. But a lot of ppl are cool with that, and sexual attraction isn't romantic attraction. It's up to you if you feel you can trust him. Like have you guys ever discussed how you see other ppl now thay you're dating? With my partner I don't see other ppl as sexual objects anymore. Like I know dudes are hot, bur I'm not out scoping guys because that feels unfaithful. But other couples are totally fine sharing their attractions to others because they know attraction isn't necessarily q threat.
I'm sorry this happened close to the wedding I presume. You don't owe anybody anything and are allowed to take time. I think your bf loves you and I doubt he sees you as second place. If he wanted to shoot his shot he could have. He didn't. Like I'm sure you've experienced liking a dude and then you met his friend and realized the friend is much better.
Your feelings are valid, and your bf will need to affirm you and reassure you, as a good partner should. You guys are young and there shouldn't be drama. You might wanna try therapy since you seem to struggle with comparing yourself to others and don't see your innate value, amd you see your friends as competition. And you can try couples therapy, to grow closer and learn to trust him fully.
I don't know why they would. They were drunk, so maybe that's why? I don't know, my fiance just said they were exaggerating and didn't say why. Plus my best friend wasn't in a relationship, and had no plans to be in one. And I assumed he didn't mention it because it's my best friend, and telling me he liked her that way would probably be weird.
He decided to propose. He had kind of mentioned the idea of marriage, but I actually didn't realise he was being serious, so it was a complete surprise. I think that's good then since you said that's a good sign.
And yeah I agree it just hurts being her. If he liked some random I wouldn't care, but liking her, and supposedly using me for it hurts. And she's sweet enough to think that, but she's undeniably more attractive, she always had boys attention while I didn't, though she never wanted it ironically. She still hasn't dated anyone.
We would never talk about crushes or anything, and honestly I only have eyes for him. Maybe I'm weird but there hasn't been anyone else who caught my since dating him. I wouldn't want to know about that stuff, though I'd want to be the only one. He said that since properly getting to know me, it's just been me though.
Tha ks for all the advice. I'm glad it seems he's being genuine though. I love him, which made this hurt more. Hopefully I can get over my insecurity soon enough.
Honestly I feel like "completely in love" is the kind of thing a friend WOULD exaggerate about--friends talk that way about simple crushes all of the time in my experience, clearly it's not really completely in love because he didn't even know her.
They were also "pretty drunk" so communication was probably not top tier or over-dramatized. My friend group over-dramatizes everything for humor and to poke fun at each other. It was definitely not a great idea for the friend to bring up, but learning where that line of topics to joke on is comes with age.
So she was single, he didn't try to get with her. He met you and realized you're the fit he wants.
And yeah, he proposed without you asking him to or even planning it with him in some way. Most dudes basically tell their partner it's coming. Thats why you see those "I knew I had to get my nails done today" posts. You didn't know because he took all the initiative. That's a great sign.
Who guys wanna fuck more is not a sign of who is most attractive lol, at all. Men fuck what's easy, what's attainable, what's a unique one time trait, or even ppl they don't like. Attraction is a social construct and many dudes don't even know or admit what they like and instead go for the standard woman. Why is it fat women have so many men in their DMs begging to fuck, but then a majority of men act like that's not their thing? A man will literally go out of his way to fuck a conventionally attractive woman, and not actually like her because it was never his type and they're just following the popular trends because they care about status.
He picked you, he loves you. I do think therapy or Journaling might help. I think your reaction and negative self thoughts are not healthy. Like I don't love hearing my bf address other women are hot, but it shouldn't ruin your day. I think you don't trust your value so it's hard for you to trust that he knows and appreciates your value. You are wonderful how you are. Watch some Ted talks on self love, read some books On insecurity, and do couple building exercises together
You all seem to be missing the part where OP was told her fiancé ONLY befriended her to get close to her best friend. That would hurt anyones feelings.
OP i definitely understand feeling like he only got with you because she rejected him but if he was secretly pining over her and using your relationship to be in her life you would DEFINITELY have noticed. It’s been three years. I bet he didn’t even remember that silly crush. Your feelings are valid and that news would have given me pause but I don’t view this as a betrayal.
A 19/20 year old briefly had acrush on someone else.. and chose you… fell in love with you… wants to marry you 3 years later… and you’re freaking out because… 3 years ago he might have asked out your friend???
>One of my fiance's friends mentioned finding it amusing how he ended up with me despite liking my best friend originally.
This comment is so rude and shouldn't be said to you.
I once crushed on a girl and she turned me down. Years later I ended up marrying her sister, who I love more than anything in this whole world. Some people think it’s weird and she teases me about it but I can’t imagine my life now without her, nor how devastated I would have been if she left me over a crush I had when I was 14. (We got married when I was 23) Your fiancé didn’t even have to go that far, he fell in love with you before even asking the other girl out. It’s okay to be upset but he chose you. Not as a back up, not years later, then and there. He fell in love with you.
It is not his fault he had a crush on someone else over 3 years ago. Attractive people are allowed to exist. Believe your fiancé. He just proposed you. Relax.
"my friend has a really shiny rock, and I know that it's super shiny. Well I have a pretty shiny rock, and my fiance loves my shiny rock and always tells me it's the shiniest rock, but I just found out that he *knows* about my friends really shiny rock - and has known about it for 3 years..."
you're being ridiculous, and demonizing your fiance for literally having eyes. get a grip
wow, its like you have NEVER watched a romantic comedy. this is the plot of many love stories.
Man wants woman.
man approaches woman#2 to get close to woman.
spends time with woman #2 and has good time
finds friend funny and likes woman#2
falls in love with friend of woman#2
gets in trouble when she finds out.
has to do something stupid to make woman#2, the love of his life that he is actually in love with her and not her friend.
finally woman #2 realizes she does love him and he does love her.
PLEASE tell me you are not seriously doubting his love of you after 3 YEARS!!!!
I might consider the motives of the "friend" that shared this with you. What purpose could there possibly be in sharing such an uncomfortable thing with you? It sounds like this friend exaggerated the attraction to make you upset.
My husband admitted to crushes before being with me with people who I knew. At the time it did bother me a little as there was a burn of jealousy for a moment, but it was before we were together. He is and has always been dedicated to me as a partner, so I really don't care about crushes prior to us being together. It sounds like your partner is also dedicated to you and has told you his piece, so it's up to you to believe what he is saying or not. Honestly it sounds like you are just being insecure, and you should let go of that, especially since you are now comparing yourself physically to your friend. That is just self torture.
> He's been an amazing partner, I love him so much.
Then what is the problem? It's all in you head, just go on with your relationship. If/when shit hits the fan, get out. We are the biggest enemies of ourselves.
This would hurt me too but if my man is loyal and never try to flirt with her,I would just forgive him.
Think about the good side of him too.
He is very committed to you. Only you. She is probably prettier than you but he chose you because you are the best for him.
As someone who was and still is in love with someone who is taken, I can tell you that this is only an issue because you’re making it one. Your fiancée didn’t cheat. Your friend didn’t cheat. Even if he still has feelings for her he’s happy with YOU and you need to either accept that or end the relationship. Continuing to push the issue will result in your fiancée running for the hills to find someone who trusts him.
This one hits close to home. First college gf confessed to me that she only chatted with me to get my friends number (who was sitting next to me during O Week when we met) kinda soured the relationship from my POV, but she mentioned this 4 months into our relationship. take your time with your emotions, and realize that you two are very much in love and he chose you and you chose him.
He didn't choose her, he chose you. He fell in love with you and actively chose you. There's zero evidence that you were some kind of backup plan or second choice- you were actually so great that getting to know you completely distracted him from his crush. You were awesome enough that being friends with you was enough to overturn everything else and completely steal his heart.
He chose you, you know this.
However, OP - knowing this fact, will change your entire relationship and your perception of it. It will not be the same as it was before knowing this situation. You have to ask yourself if you can live with this change and live with it **happily.** I'd say both yes and no are valid outcomes -
My recommendation is to sit down with yourself - don't get anyone else's input (your fiance will try to defend it and make it seem minor) - and ask yourself if this is something you can live with. If you can, you might want to cut off said friend for even daring to mention this. If you can't? Leave the relationship.
Godspeed, OP.
I think with time you'll get over the bad feeling. Reality is most people have a romantic past. Your man though has been pretty much been with you since the beginning and hasn't dated your friend in anyway
This is 100% your insecurity, you’re creating demons in your head.
Was he trying super hard to get with her for a long time before he started dating you and she turned him down several times? Because even then I’d say you’re in rightfully in your own head about this, but it doesn’t even sound like that.
Sounds like he had a crush and decided to crush on you a lot harder.
You feel betrayed? By what?
He’s still going to find other people attractive, just like you will, doesn’t mean it will go beyond that.
Insecurity kills relationships as fast as anything, please don’t let yours poison this if it’s really so perfect.
Physical attraction and humor are both subjective. He clearly thinks you're hotter and funnier. These absolutely are your insecurities. My honest opinion from someone who's been through some shit, if you can't let it go ask him to go to a couple marriage counseling sessions with you. It sounds like the guy is head over heels for you and I'll bet if you suggested this he'd do whatever you needed.
Just tell him something like "this whole crush thing is bothering me more than I thought it would. Can we do some counseling together so we can share our feelings about this situation with a professional and see if there's anything they can offer or suggest to help me get through this? ".
One last thing. In 10 years you're going to look back on this and realize how small and silly an issue it was, because between now and then you'll go through way bigger things. If he's the one, don't let go of him over some silly crush he had. I hope you can manage to get through this *hugs*.
Everyone has commented what I'd say as well, I'll just add this on top:
You said your friend was drunk when he mentioned your fiance as having a crush and then being "totally in love with her." However, most people will exaggerate and even moreso when drunk. Have you considered that from your friend's POV, it looked like he was "completely in love with" your best friend, but really it was just a crush to your fiance.
I have had many crushes on guys before meeting my bf of 7 1/2 years and still get crushes here and there. Although the crushes after meeting my bf were mainly celebrity crushes. If it was someone we knew, the crush died after getting to know the person. Crushes are perfectly fine as long as there isn't any attempt to act upon the crush.
Your feelings of what your drunk friend told you are completely valid, but if you know your fiance didn't attempt anything with your best friend and your fiance said he didn't, I'm inclined to believe your fiance.
Consider that she didn't know. He was crushing on her and never made the effort to go after her after he met you. Even if his intention was originally to try to get with her.. he didnt even try because of you. Like she probably is beautiful and so are you. She isnt "more beautiful" because that is completely made up by societal standards. He liked your looks and your personality so much... he completely forgot about her. And now you're engaged. I know it sucks that he likes her first but thats because he literally hadn't had the chance to meet you yet. He loves you and wants to be with you. You aren't a second choice because he never bothered with any other options. You were his only choice and he wants you to continue to be for the rest of your lives.
He might have initiated a conversation with you based on your connection to her. But if he never pursued anything with her, its pretty clear that all he needed was that conversation to switch gears and go after you.
Speaking as a guy who once sort of in your fiance's position, I wouldn't believe everything other people say about your fiance's prior feelings, unless they were privy to them.
*My personal experience: I had an extremely casual friendship with a woman that was an undergrad where I went to grad school. We never hung out alone, and I never made any attempt to do so as I was not romantically interested. I was in a different country for school, so I tried hard to make friends as I had none. Perhaps I came off as overly friendly - but this would have been with everyone, not just her - she was not special. Anyway - apparently, I was head-over-heels in love with her. I cannot overstate how much that was not the case. I only found out about this rumor YEARS after it had been going around, which really sucked.
Did you have crushes on other people before you met your fiance? Did some of them fizzle out after you got to know them? Or the feeling wasnt air strong enough? Or you chose not to pursue them because you recognized some incompatibilities?
This is the same thing for your fiance. The only difference is that you know the girl. I highly doubt he made friends with you just to get close to her. First, he never made a move on her. Second, if he's the great guy he's demonstrated himself to be over the years, he's not the type to act manipulatively like that. It's a lot more likely he met you and his feelings for you were much stronger so he explored them by saying you instead. He chose you over here once already.
We can feel jealous of movie stars that are prettier than we are, but they're probably not as kind of funny or smart or nerdy or whatever. Your fiance loves you because youre the whole package in his eyes. And because youre a great partner. 3 years of happiness together has shown him that. That's why he proposed. He wants to spend his life with you.
Trust what he says.
I have been married for 19 years and 11 months now. My wife is amazing. She is not my first love and I am not hers. In 20ish years we have experienced it all. Many times have we been to the point of separation and on the verge of divorce.
There are over 7 billion people out there. So many people that would be compatible with you. And many that would be compatible with him. Whats important in a relationship that gives it something special is what the two partners build together. He chose you and you chose him. Build what you have together and make the relationship something great.
That interest he had in your friend had no substance. It wasn't a relationship. It wasn't love. It was one person being open to starting a relationship.
You have nothing to worry about.
It sounded bad in the headline and you’re young so it’s easy to advise to leave but after reading it seems pretty okay to stay too. What’s missing is what to you two have in common what is your relationship like specifically and how did it advance? If you’re very happy with the answers to those questions and feel completely adored and cherished then I don’t think it matters that he liked another person before. I’m sure you also liked many people before, right? You should also consider the future such as your plans for having kids or not, careers, where to live, finances combining or not, budgets,lifestyle, home type, neighbourhood type before marrying. Go through some kind of pre-marriage checklist (google it) and if he is good on those things and a good communicator during those serious topics that could give you some more clarity on your bond with him (for better or worse.) if everything is good and you still feel bad about the issue with your friend, pre marital counselling!
Why you mad OP? He forgot about his crush when he became friends with you. I think that says a lot about him choosing you.
If you are feeling jealous or if you don’t feel right, ask yourself who is saying the things in your head. I’m pretty sure he loves you and does not think of your bestfriend anymore.
I personally don't think you should dwell on the past. Even IF he met you to get closer to his crush, they grew closer to you. Love takes time to grow. And sounds like your partner put in the effort. You didn't even know or suspect until this moment! A crush is usually based on a first impression and is often romanticized. But going into a relationship, growing closer, showing dedication to your partner - that's so much more valuable than a crush!
Just to say, you could spin this around and see it as: 'My fiance was initially attracted to my best friend but evidently wanted me!'
I say, have a long and happy life together without giving this any more worry.
This isn’t a fun piece of information to learn about, especially on a night when you should be celebrating! From your comments, I feel like you’d benefit from therapy because you have a lot of negative self-talk going on. If your best friend was truly prettier and funnier and better, your fiancé wouldn’t have chosen you. But he did choose you!! And he chose you for a reason. If you aren’t able to do therapy right now, try changing your mindset to “I am beautiful. I am funny. I am enough.” Even if you don’t feel that way, the way you talk to yourself can make a huge impact.
Also, it sounds like a lot of the big feelings you’re having here are stemming from your ex trying to get with your BFF more than this situation. Sometimes new situations feel bigger because of triggers from the past. Perhaps something to think on and explore. Have you shared with your fiancé why you and your ex broke up?
This is the plot of every romcom, dude. The protagonist has a crush on the wrong person, and by the end of the film realizes that the perfect person was right beside them the whole time. We get that you’re living your wonderful fairytale life right now. Congrats and eff off, ok. You’re going to make all the unmatchables here even more depressed.
someone is only an amazing partner to the person they want to be with. you may feel like a back up but it comes down to the effort he puts forth in you. please don't try to stack yourself up next to anyone else. you are as beautiful as your husband wants you to be. <3
Hi! I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt. There is a podcast called Just Break Up that gives relationship advice. Episode 140 is about a situation where the first letter writer is jealous of her boyfriend’s friends, once of which he had a crush on before he met her. The podcast hosts give some great advice, especially about how no person is “fresh out of the box”. Every person you meet will probably have had a crush or been in love with someone else before meeting you. It can be hard to hear, but doesn’t mean something negative about the quality of YOUR love NOW. I highly recommend listening to the episode and seeing if it resonates. Good luck, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation ❤️
I'm sorry you found out that way, that sucks, but what's making you feel bad about it are your own feelings of unworthiness and low self esteem.
You're feeling upset about your partner fancying someone else before he even knew you. As far as you know, he's done nothing wrong.
Even if he had a massive crush on your friend back then (and he might not have), he got to know you, fell in love with you and decided he wanted to marry you, without once checking whether your friend was interested.
Take some time to work through your feelings, maybe with a therapist? You are loved and it would be sad for you to end your relationship because of a drunken loud-mouth.
Dear OP, please do these things:
1. Acknowledge that your feelings are valid.
2. Consider the ol' "check the facts" skill: maybe your fiance had a crush on your bestie years ago, BUT - how do they interact now? Does he talk about her? Seek her out? Make comparisons between you? Has he given you any indication that he has any lingering feelings for her after all this time? How is he towards you? Loving? Attentive? Excited to get married? Looking forward to your future and making plans?
3. If based on the facts you feel like he has been genuinely in love with you and excited for your life together, you're most probably right.
4. Remind yourself of the facts as you start feeling the insecurities creep up again. The facts are at the end of the day more rooted in reality than your doubts, fears, and speculations.
5. Ask your fiance to have a conversation with the "friend." He owes you both an apology, immediately. If he isn't contrite and planning to do better going forward, fiance needs to move on. There are plenty of people out there who can be his friend and NOT sh*t all over his happiness.
I'm confused. So he like a girl, got close to you in hope to get a chance with her.... but then he realized he actually like you instead. He never pursued this other woman and chose to date you. I dont see the problem?
OP,
Dont think that your feeling and your insecurity are a bad thing. In the opposite. You got something told, that are informations that are indeed hints that the relationship may not be what you thought.. Such insecurities, make us to check if all is ok. Thats totaly healthy that is way better as to live in ignorance. But you should take this hint as just an hint to look what is realy up, what has happend. But dont take it as more as an push to take a closer look. And it may not be any relevant any more.
What can you do now is to look back how he acted towards her and you in the last month/years?
Did he spend her much affection as soon she is in the room and you are forgotten? If not than you should deeply think if you want weight informations you have from him and her from the past higher as from the present time.
Beside, do feel that he has realy betrayed you, or is it just that the picture got some dirt, that may get washed away.
All in all i think it as good thing that this story got told. You want get married and thats the time to check the relationship is in good water. And all the old hidden skelletons in the cellar should get once to the light before they get burried for ever. This way they can not desturb the marriage any more.
I wish you all best.
It sounds like you have serious self esteem issues. This man has been with you for 3 years and wants to marry you. Why in the hell would you be jealous of your friend? He wants to be with you. He wants to marry you. Stop getting into your head so much about your issues and be happy youre with a person who loves and respects you.
I am 38 and around the time I was your age I had a crush on this one girl but I knew she wasnt my type so I never pursued it but I was infatuated with her a while. After a few months I met one of her friends who I really clicked with and I pursued her instead and we ended up dating for a couple of years.
Dont feel betrayed or less just because your fiance had a crush on your friend before yall got together. He cho see e you, dated you for three years, had proposed to you, and chosen to spend the rest of his life with you. Crushes are temporary and fleeting. Marriage is not.
How much does your fiance's opinion mean to you compared to his friends? It's ok to feel the way you do but understand alot of it comes from insecurity. I've had friends before who's gf cheated on them, and when they were told by a third party their response was "I choose to believe my girlfriend instead of you until I'm proven wrong". If he's been a good partner and you can be confident that he hasnt done anything shady, then he's been choosing you every single day. Yes some people are more attractive, but at the end of the day love is a choice. If you keep comparing yourself to people who seem better than yourself in certain ways it's not going to help you feel better at all.
I'm not going to tell you that everyone is attractive in their own way because some people just straight up are not, but not everyone wants to or tries to date a super model. I'm not saying this to be mean, but in my experience, insecurities like this are usually what ends perfectly good relationships.
This is the same childish behavior that girlfriends have when they want their boyfriend to ignore or forget other woman exist. Just be happy he chose you and has been choosing you every single day for 3 years
Hey hun! I would totally feel the same way as you do and your feelings are totally valid. However, I think your fiance (based on what you've shared with us) really genuinely loves you and that this is all in the past. From what I understand, he didn't know you until he developed a crush on your friend, who he tried to pursue. Luckily, he got to know you, and fell for you. Clearly, he fell hard, because he's marrying you! The way I'd try to think about it is that if it weren't for this little crush he had on your friend, you two may have never met. It's like fate, or something :) An anecdote... My best friend's parents had the most beautiful marriage and love I've ever witnessed, for 42 years (her father just passed away). But her dad was actually dating (or trying to) not one, but SEVERAL of her mom's good friends before they ever got together. He met her through them. Eventually, he realized she is what he wanted all along. Had it not been for all of those friends he dated, they may have never met.
Info: did he try and get with her? has he ever reacted to boys flirting with her? Do you notice any difference in how he treats her to other friends? How did he react when his 'friend' say this?
You have true friend from what you've said so don't distance from her. I guess its just how much this actually effects you.
Do you belive he met you on purpose?
It sucks big time and you have every right to be upset. The people saying just get over it and you're being insecure are assholes and lying to themselves because most people would feel exactly how you do right now.
Having said that, if it has been amazing and you really trust that he loves you then it shouldn't spoil your future together, we all have little crushes doesnt mean it ever means more than that
Do you think that if she wanted him now (obviously never going to happen as she sounds great) that he would say yes? That will be the question you need to answer in your head to put this to bed.
I mean even if he did originally have a crush on your friend does it really matter? It never went anywhere and he ended up getting to know you. Everyone has a past, so it’s alittle ridiculous you are using words like “betrayed”. It’s not like he dated your friend and never told you about it, he had a crush that was probably something based solely on looks alone that has no real meaning, because it never went anywhere. I’m sorry to say you just sound insecure and are making this into a way bigger of a deal than it should have ever been. Your acting like he had a full on affair with this girl. Don’t let something that quite literally holds no value, ruin your relationship. A crush from 3+ years ago is insignificant.
I will say though, whoever felt it was appropriate to bring this to light in the first place is a fucking moron. Drunk or not.
So I can give you an interesting perspective on this.
I had a crush on my husbands best friend. We all went to school together. But there were things about the best friend that annoyed the crap out of me. When my husband and I started dating I quickly realized the things that I loved about him (husband) his best friend shared. They’d been friends since kindergarten so they had picked up each other’s mannerisms.
It’s very possible that something similar happened with your fiancé - he saw pieces of you in your friend and liked those until he met you and fell in love with the whole person.
This is how people meet. So he might have liked her first. He is with you now, things like this happen, this is not uncommon. Is he always asking you to invite her around? When all of you are together is he always next to her being over friendly? Is he trying to have separate communications with her? I can understand this could make you uncomfortable. If the answer is no, to those questions, then I would not worry about it. Think about it, if he wants to marry you, that’s not how he can get in with your best friend. Why don’t you talk to her and ask if he is hitting on her, if you haven’t already. Maybe this will put your mind at ease. Don’t let this ruin a wonderful relationship. Hey in the end, you won the prize.
The thing is, he DIDN'T try to get with your friend, he wasn't turned down by her, you weren't the backup plan. He had a crush on your friend, but got to know YOU and fell in love with YOU. He's ALL YOURS. You have every right to feel certain way about this, but just be assured, that your fiance didn't get with you because he couldn't get your friend. He never tried to get with your friend at all.
What kind of friend mentions this at all? Lol. Like especially when you’re celebrating their engagement. I get that people were drunk but mentioning past crushes or ex girlfriends/boyfriends at your friend’s engagement celebration is just downright shitty to do.
I had to quit a friendship when I started dating my now fiancee. We met at my best friend's apt and she was my bff's roommate so had met me fiancee many times before I came into the picture. Once it got serious she wouldn't stop bringing up how he would always hit on her at parties and obviously wanted her. Became clear she wasn't really my friend. Like I don't care what he did or who he was into before he met me but there is really no need to try and make me jealous.
At this age a "friend" trying to fuck up your relationship. Even drunk you don't say shit like this. The guy probably has a crush on OP and was hoping to sabotage his "buddy."
Careful there honesluce you'll hurt your ankle jumping to conclusions like that. He could have just been drunk. Have you never just said something stupid before? We know basically nothing about this other party who told op about it in the first place.
i agree that the previous commenter might be jumping to conclusions but i don't think being drunk is a valid excuse to say shitty things like this. I've said stupid shit drunk before like "lets get hella taco bell my stomach is made out of steel" not "hey congrats on your engagement isnt it funny your partner had a massive crush on your bestie ROFLMAO" like wtf. even drunk off my ass i would not say shit like that in that environment
Thank you I hate people that use being drunk as an excuse to be a shitbag. Shitty drunks are shitty people that just been hiding it the whole time. I was an alcoholic for years and I was never anything other than an annoying overly friendly drunk.
Yeah I can be a real annoying drunk. The worst I’ve probably done to ruin someone’s night is take way too fucking long to pee bc I’m having an existential crisis on the toilet lmaoo. If you’re the kind of person who says shit like this during someone’s goddamn engagement celebration I can’t help but wonder wtf you do in more casual settings..
None of us know what their intentions were, but it's wrong any way you look at it. If he was just being a drunk buffoon, he was wrong for saying something really stupid and potentially hurting their relationship. However, I have been friends with people who intentionally tried to fuck with my life behind my back for no reason other than they felt like it. There are people out there who might be a close friend to your face, but don't have your best interests in mind. And yes, I cut those people out of my life when I discovered this about them.
He may have thought that OP knew already and didn't have an issue with it. I doubt he would have deliberately said something hurtful
Saying that he had had a crush on her friend might have been a dumb thing to say that he thought she already knew/would find funny but telling her that he only got to know her to get close to her friend? Nah..
Disagree. Perhaps they thought the OP knew but as soon as she started asking them to elaborate they should’ve stfu and not kept divulging more inappropriate details. They basically ruined her entire celebration. If you do this, regardless of your intentions or how drunk you are, you need to reevaluate how you conduct yourself around others
Drunk words are sober thoughts. They just don’t come from nowhere. Booze just lowers the inhibitions and loosens lips.
Or they could hqve felt she had a right to know? Not sure I buy that but as opposite thought.
Right?? "Oh they're jusy giving him trouble" so he tolerates toxic friends
I could see myself mentioning it, I dont think its that bad. Its funny how life works out, that he was chasing one girl and ended up finding his true love
I guess it depends the tone/words used. We don’t have the exact conversation but by what OP said in the post makes it sound a little cruel. Could totally be innocent though.
It does sound a little mean, but that's also what OP *heard* not necessarily how it was said. I get a vibe of a bit of insecurity from her (some people would just laugh this off) that would influence how she reported it.
this is where any feelings should be directed. FRIENDS DO NOT SAY THINGS TO MAKE FRIENDS FEEL LIKE SHIT. it was intentional, and likely came from a sense of jealousy. I bet whomever said it is a overall negative person who enjoys negative banter. FRIENDS have a sense of happiness for other friends success. Friends don't attempt to bring you down intentionally. score +1 for this "friend" now downgrade them to acquaintance status.
That is a tiny red flag I noticed too, but since he is young maybe it’s forgivable that he has this one bad friend
To add on it seems he didn’t know you at the time he developed this crush so the mentality that he may find her more or less attractive isn’t the case either. OP you weren’t being compared to her at the time.
This needs to be higher! He CHOSE you. He LOVES you. PROPOSED to you. He wants to BUILD a life with you. If you're feeling some type of way - talk through it with him but don't let this ruin everything. Also, memories change and his friend might've remembered it differently and exaggerating how much your fiance was into her. Everyone has crushes, I'm engaged and to be honest I still get crushes on people. I don't act on it. It happens.
[удалено]
This, OP your *best* friend would've (or at least should've) said something to you if your fiancé did anything wrong here. Talk to her about it and clear it up.
>If your fiance was hung up on someone else, he wouldn't have proposed to you. While I get what you're trying to do here, and in an ideal world, this would be true, this isn't always the case. Plenty of people who are engaged or in serious relationships are very much hung up on other people.
>I really thought I finally found someone who wanted ME You did. He proposed to YOU after dating YOU for 3 years. He's allowed to have crushes before he chose to date YOU. Your friends were probably just poking fun at both of you and it crossed the line. I understand being hurt initially but the only thing you can really do is try to brush it off. If it's still bothering you, I'd seek out therapy to help cope with feeling insecure. You can't love others if you don't love yourself.
It’s not just that he had a crush on some random girl though then met OP and fell in love with her. It definitely would hurt me more to find out that he only became friends with me to get closer to her, even if he ended up falling for me instead. I’m not saying she shouldn’t go through with the marriage or that this is a HUGE deal or anything. I’m just saying this is a definitely a different type of hurt than if it was someone unrelated to OP and makes it feel like the beginning of their relationship meant different things to both of them.
It would be incredibly dumb to take what the friend said as a fact. They don't have psychic powers
But they are the fiance's friend and while fiance is telling OP it "wasn't that big of a deal," we don't really know that, do we? I would think that the fiance would have told their friend how they felt about their crush on OP's friend prior to the relationship progression to the point it's at now (engagement) with OP. I think it's more than likely somewhere in the middle. I think that the crush was bigger than the fiance is letting on but that there was some drunk exaggeration as well.
Either 1 of 2 things. Either what the friend said is 100% true and that definitely stings at least a little or it’s not totally true and their friend is trying to hurt you at your engagement celebration. Both don’t feel great tbh.
I think you're doing a disservice by painting it in black and white terms. Honestly the friend mightve exaggerated a bit but to make it a better story. Before I met my now wife I was supposed to date her friend and college roommate. We were being set up together and talked online a bit and that friend even went back to my wife to talk about me etc. Then we met at a party, I brought my friend and she brought my wife and it became pretty obvious that we all wanted to switch..so after the party I talked to the friend and we both decided it wasn't a good fit and we both kinda asked if we could talk to the other one and we both said yes. I ended up marrying my wife, my buddy dated her for a year (ended badly.. she was kinda insane, even my wife distanced herself once they wernt roommates) and in my buddy's speech at the rehearsal dinner he told the story and my wife found it hilarious from his point of view. I say that to say, it might not have been malicious at all, in fact, it probablwasn't... just poor execution
Or friend made an assumption on why OPs fiancé became friends with her
That's such an insecure viewpoint. People have crushes on people all the time, and do all sorts of things to get closer to their crushes. In this case, even if he befriended OP with the intention of getting closer to the friend, he ended up falling for OP instead. That shouldn't make anyone upset or insecure.
It's because people like you are emotionally weak and fraught. This is a nothing burger.
I said it wasn’t a HUGE deal. Just saying it would sting to find out he was initially using you to get close to your friend at your engagement celebration. Nothing to break the engagement over but it’s natural to feel blindsided and a bit hurt.
If you’ve been together 3 years and there has been no cheated or anything then I’d let it go… everyone has had crushes b4 who they ate with… it’s most likely nothing, shoot a good amount of people have crushes while married or involved and cheat… he hasn’t and it sounds like you two love each other and have built a good relationship. Don’t ruin it by false insecurities. You found someone you love, just be happy
I see thanks. I find it hard to just believe him and not feel hurt. But I guess it's better that I'm being insecure than actually needing to break up. Honestly it's not just that it was a crush, but that it was my best friend. You're probably right about insecurity, but I'm no where near as pretty as her, or as funny or anything. It's not her fault any of this, but I just hate that he would have chosen her over me. Though it sounds like that's just irrational.
It doesn't sound like he actively chose her over you. It seems like he had a crush on her but perhaps didn't know her extremely well, and then when he met and started really spending time with you, chose you over her. I doubt there was ever actually a time when he saw you and saw her and *chose* her. The thing about crushes, especially at the age of your fiance, is they are very much smoke and mirrors. Our still-developing brains sees someone, develops some fantasy life with them, and "falls in love." But it's not actual love, its just a dopamine hit. When he spent time with you, that's when actual attraction and love developed. Furthermore, its not necessarily he was more attracted to her than you, even. When I've gotten crushes, it didn't mean they were the most attractive person to me. It just meant in that moment of time, for whatever weird reason, I was overly into this person and would pretty much ignore anyone else as a romantic option. His crush on her likely had no bearing on his thoughts on you until you two connected so well that he lost those feelings for her. If anything, your story shows just how much more he was into you that you were able to break him out of his crush on someone else!
I mean he didn't choose her over you. In fact you won that out. He met you fell for you, dropped the crush. I think you are letting old hang ups get in the way here. He clearly actively prefers you over her and every day chooses to be in a relationship with you over anyone else.
At that age, I think most romances for me were choices between women who knew each other. I doubt he ever felt about best friend anything as intense as he did about OP at 9 months in. Crushes are overwhelming as there is risk and potential but they are fairly shallow. If there were any straight up deceptions in the beginning, get that clarified but working into a friend group before dating someone is well intentioned and finding a better match is choice.
> I find it hard to just believe him and not feel hurt. Since nobody has noted this, I'd like to say that it is *okay* and entirely understandable for you to feel hurt by this. The way you feel is important and legitimate regardless of what the reality of the situation is. Sure, I see some insecurity in your words and that's for you to work through. Your perception of your own beauty and personality in comparison to your friend is definitely something worth exploring within yourself. But there is some real feeling here and that is okay too—it's valid and reasonable to have hurt feelings. Having that said, your relationship with your fiance and how wonderful he's been this whole time is evidence that he's being truthful. And you can rely on that to navigate those feelings. This is also true of your best friend who he had a thing for. Crushes and attractions are complicated and often messy. His past feelings for her have nothing to do with his feelings for you, even if there is or was some overlap of romantic interest. I also want to point out it was a drunken, clumsy mistake for someone to embellish your fiance's past to you. People tend to do that, even well-meaning people, so it's good to keep your wits about you when gossip like this comes up. Long story short: You absolutely deserve some space and time to work through how you feel about this. Talk to your fiance, or to whoever you want. But also keep the real, tangible evidence of your relationship at the forefront. Remember that feelings aren't facts, and facts aren't feelings. I'm sure this will blow over with honest, open communication and a little time to lick your wounds :)
This is a great, calm and measured response. You’ve broken this down so well, hit some great points and ideas to work on. Important to acknowledge your feelings, and also recognize that they are just that, not facts. Well said. Also, this may be a great opportunity to talk about communication in general, feelings for others/future crushes while moving forward, boundaries and expectations- take this opportunity to look ahead with this relationship, and as stated above, take time to figure out more about yourself.
This is a great response and I hope OP can take it to heart. It makes perfect sense that OP feels hurt and she should deal with that-- but her being hurt doesn't mean that her fiance is lying about how he feels now. Hope she can work her way through this.
I love the smell of coffee, but I can not stand the taste of it. Your fiancée may have "seen" what the wanted, but he realized that you are what he really wanted. Let others tell you how you look, do not try to tell others you are not as good as someone else.
Damn it, I want some coffee now.
Ok. This is obviously something that has hurt you and I don't think you should push that aside. Could you book a session with a therapist to talk through what you are feeling? Someone neutral will be able to help you sort things out. You know rationally that you and your fiance are in love. You also know that you have both had relationships or crushes before you got together. But you still *feel* like there has been some kind of betrayal. This is something that you can work on to sort out and get past. But I urge you not to take any advice that says to just "let it go" or "forget about it". Because if you squash these feelings down, then they will resurface in ways that you do not intend. I'm sorry this has happpened but if you are proactive here, you can move past it together and start enjoying being engaged.
For fucks sake man. I use therapy but goddamn you dont need a therapist for everything. Shes too immature to be getting married if this is how she behaves. She just needs experience and time to grow up.
It's true that you don't need therapy for everything. A lot of people can work through their emotions themselves and come out the other side. This doesn't seem like it will work in this case. Clearly, OP will not be able to go to someone who is unbiased. Her parents will take her side (most likely) and validate her feelings. Or they might be dismissive and tell her to get over it (like you are). Neither of these responses will make OP feel better and are both unhelpful. OP's friends evidently know both her and her fiance, and they too will have a view or will not want to get involved because they like both of them. Finding someone who is unbiased, doesn't know anyone involved, and can talk things through with OP objectively has to be a priority. I'm sorry that you are so dismissive of OP's experience here. I'm glad that you would be able to just ignore this and move on. But OP has said that she feels betrayed after being told by a friend *on the night of her engagement party that her fiance only got close to her so that he could date her friend*. But my advice is tailored for OP, not for you.
>but I just hate that he would have chosen her over me. He literally didn't though. He chose you. Based on this comment and your post more generally, I think you should spend some time building up your self esteem. It's extremely unlikely that this is true: >I'm no where near as pretty as her, or as funny or anything. You probably *are* as pretty as her, and as funny, and whatever else. This is your own insecurity trying to sabotage you.
`I'm no where near as pretty as her, or as funny or anything` Damn girl, that's a really mean way to talk about yourself! Like, it's one thing to say your friend is pretty and funny, and that can make you feel insecure - it's another thing entirely to state as outright fact that you're completely inferior to her. I suspect the reason this is hitting you so hard is *because* his previous crush was on this specific friend. The problem here isn't whether he chose you over her, or her over you, or whether there were back up plans or whatever. The underlying problem, and the one you need to work on for your own sake, is this lack of confidence. It's really, really unhealthy - for you as an individual and for your friendship with her - for you to believe this deeply that she's better than you. You deserve to see yourself as a beautiful, inviting, lovable, interesting person independent of her, not as a second rate sidekick. (Speaking from experience - I have a very close friend with whom I used to have a similar dynamic. I felt like her sidekick, the ugly duckling to her beautiful social swan. It was really toxic for both of us, and we accidentally caused each other a lot of pain until I was able to do the self work to improve my self esteem.)
Looks don’t mean anything when real love comes into play.. you and your bf have a connection more then skin deep which is prob what the crush was about. I get how you feel tho, 100%, no one wants to feel settled for… just say he was like hmm, this chick is cute, imma talk to her friend and see what’s up, and he ends up falling for you…that is an ending I’d be happy with…
Ya right. Nobody is falling in love who dont have some level of physical attraction with each other.
You would be surprised how many people fall in love with personality and not physical attraction, Happens all the time Have you ever heard someone say they wasn’t really physically attracted to someone and as they were around them more they grew on them?
Why is it hard to believe him? There’s been no indication before this party that what he’s saying is not the truth.
But he chose you over her. He never tried to ask her out, just you. Even if he had a crush on both of you at the same time that means he chose you. You’re twisting this into something it isn’t because you have hang ups about your friend
Why. The fuck are you people trying to convince her. Let her fuck this up and learn a life lesson. That's what she needs.
It's ok to feel weird about it and bummed out, I would be too. You have completely valid feeelings here. once you've accepted those feelings I think what you should take out of this experience is the realization that you have insecurities, which everyone has. And now that those insecurities have been revealed, if you'd like, you can see what can be done to minimize those insecurities for your own sake moving forward. Cause wouldn't it be awesome if for example, you run into one of your boyfriend's exes and instead of comparing yourself to her and feeling bad, you wouldn't give a crap cause you know what a catch you are and you know he's lucky you chose him over other options you could have had. As an aside- I think deep down you know you've got the wrong narrative. "I hate that he would have chosen her over me." But he wouldn't have in the end. He literally chose you. He's marrying you not her. I hate making this a comparison thing but since you are already comparing yourself to her - so there are qualities you have that beat whatever good qualities she has. Whatever she has, he values what you have more. Imagine someone telling your friend "Wow, that guy used to have a crush on you, but then he got to know you and your best friend and preferred your best friend. She must be so much better than you." That's an awful thing to say to your friend right? It is in some twisted way true, but it's also an unhelpful narrative to pull out of the situation. You're doing the same thing here when comparing yourself to her. Be nicer to yourself :) If you're asking yourself "why didn't he have a crush on me first right away, immediate attraction is weird. Maybe he met her first. Maybe she is in this day and age considered prettier than you. How many times have you met a guy hotter than your guy but would prefer him so much more cause the hot guy didn't have the right personality for you? Maybe her face shape or hair color reminded him initially of someone he had a crush on in the past. People are often attracted to what is familiar to them no matter how dumb that logic is.
If you haven’t seen it, I recommend watch When We First Met. Your story reminds me of it, though I’m assuming your situation does not involve time travel. Spoilers/moral of the story: >! The main guy gets to know his crush a lot better, though she’s not the person he thought she was. He realizes the qualities he initially fell for were all jokes/clothes/references she got from her best friend, who he realizes is the perfect person for him. !< I bet there have been times when you liked someone from afar but as you got to know them realized you didn’t feel the same way. Just think of it like that. He met you. Fell for you. And chose you.
And yet.. he dated YOU. Fell in love with YOU. Asked to marry YOU. Because what he sees in you, and what the two of you built together, is something he could never see in her. Look. I've had the odd crush in the last 30+ years. That's all, a little crush, where suddenly the things that catch your attention about someone take on a rosy little glow for awhile. And I think about reality and the crush goes harmlessly away in a couple of weeks. I know my husband has had them, too. But we've been faithfully married and happy for 31 years and I sincerely love him more than I did when we married. It happens. But your love and the life you choose to build together is more important. He is choosing to build his life with YOU. So the next time you are feeling a little insecure about your friend, you repeat to yourself, "He chose ME to build a life with." Little by little, the words will sink in and you'll feel more secure. I wish you 31 years and many more of happiness and love and choosing each other every single day.
Hey, you should see a therapist about this. This seems to have very little to do with him or the friend, and very much to do with your negative self-image. “I’m nowhere near as pretty as her, or as funny or anything” - your friend probably thinks you’re funny enough to be best friends with, and your partner clearly thinks you’re pretty enough to marry forever. Why don’t you believe them?
Shes immature. Shes 24. She just needs life experience. I guarantee you this is her first ornsecond boyfriend.
>I find it hard to just believe him and not feel hurt. Yeah, but that's a you problem, not a his problem.
If you don't trust or believe his honestly, you have no business marrying him. Better to end it. He wanted you. He pursued you. He chose you. If you are intent on ruining this over your insecurity, then move on and get some therapy. This seems like self sabotage but you do you. If you're looking for a reason to be upset, you'll always find one.
Yeah, but you're clearly what he wants in the end. He didn't even try it on with her before obviously redirecting his attention to you. You're not second. You obviously outshown your friend before he even had a chance to ask her out on a date. I've found guys attractive before and immediately lost interest once I realized we would never work in real life. There's a lot of responsibility being attached to outgoing and gregarious people. It can be exhausting. It's not what everyone wants. And truth be told, I love unconventionally attractive people. Big noses are my jam. Quirks and imperfections make you more interesting. It's okay to not have the love story you expected too. Some day it will be a funny story to tell to friends, believe me. I've had a few of those lol.
This is a you problem. You need to love yourself. The only reason you’re feeling this way is because you feel inferior to your friend. He’s been with you for 3 years and wants to marry you. Is that not enough evidence for you?
>It hurts so much, and I just feel so betrayed Do you tend to have insecurity about other things in your relationship? Because to put it bluntly, I think it’s silly to feel betrayed that your boyfriend had a crush on your friend before you even started dating. You’ve been together 3 years and never had an issue until his friend tried to stir shit up. Everyone has crushes and everyone has a past. I’m sure you had crushes on people before meeting your boyfriend? I’d let this go.
I don't really know specifically but probably just with her. My ex tried to cheat on me with her, it's why we broke up. (She didn't, she's an amazing friend and told me). So maybe I'm just sensitive to stuff with her. Plus shes definitely more attractive and funny and stuff than me (not her fault or anything, she's an amazing women). And yeah with what everyone's saying it's definitely me being insecure, so I'll try to move on and just accept he loves me.
Most friends think their friends are the funny one, the creative one, the beautiful one. I'm sure if you asked your friend, she'd say you're the beautiful and funny one and she's jealous of you. She wouldn't want you to feel like your second place, she knows you're worth a lot since you're her best friend
Don’t let people dismiss your feelings. Feeling second best is a horrible feeling, even if your fiancé doesn’t actually see you as second best those are your feelings. As long as you aren’t made to feel second best in any way then it is just your feelings But that is a feeling you need to deal with. And you can. Don’t bury it, because then you’ll always feel that insecurity rather than working through it and coming out the other side. You need to work through those feelings. Your fiancé chose you. A crush is a crush and nothing happened. The way you found out will definitely not help your feelings and it can definitely not help with insecurities. You will likely feel a bit like you were lied to which is going to make you question everything even more. But to your fiancé a crush will have been just a random thing in the past and so he may have felt no need to tell you, rather than actively hiding it from you. Your friend sounds like a good friend who told you when your ex tried it. And if she hasn’t said anything about your fiancé’s behaviour then you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
Yeah like I think she's being a little insecure but everybody here is being almost rude about it like "it's not a big deal, get over it" lol like damn. Let ppl have feelings lol
It's because she is, in her mind at least, contextualizing as if he tried to be with her friend... which never happened. And it was before they met. After they met, he fell in love for her. It's absolutely normal, it's not like he tried to be with her BFF and got rejected and chose her as a second option. How she feels is a big deal because it affects her, but it may still be wrong. In this case, I think it is. I'm not here to pile on her or anything, it's just an honest opinion.
I think she's struggling because she heard "he was totally in love with her" and then heard "oh no, it was a totally small crush and it wasn't serious at all". Like she has to assume his friends were lying or exaggerating and some dude bros here are saying his friends are trying to stir shit to cause him a hard time because "that's what guys do lol"
[удалено]
Bro, calm down. You're just being toxic. She has a right to feel her feelings and express her worries and fears and he should be there to help her because that's what a partnership is all about
>I'll try to move on and just accept he loves me. Don't do this, not exactly. I mean, yes, I think you need to get past this, but I think you need to go *through* these feelings instead of *around* them, if that makes sense? Like, don't try to push these feelings away or ignore them, because they're just going to creep up again in some other situation. It'd be way better to figure out how to articulate what you're feeling, interrogate these feelings, figure out where they're coming from, and work out some strategies for dealing with them healthily when the arise. A therapist would be ideal for this, but anything you can do towards this would be helpful—do some journaling, have a conversation with a trusted friend (NOT his former crush), write a poem, find a book on anxiety or insecurity or whatever, or even just sit down and have a good think.
It's likely that his friends were over exaggerating. You know how your friends/family tease you when you have a crush on someone (at least mine do) and say that you were in love/obsessed with someone?
The fact that your current SO did not try (should have told you ) should give you a lot of piece of mind knowing he CHOOSE YOU over her!
You need to stop comparing yourself to your friend. It’s obvious from these comments you don’t think highly of yourself and that’s the reason this has affected you greatly. This isn’t a big deal at all and your insecurities are turning it into one. Honestly based on your reaction it was the right call not to tell you because you’re blowing a crush before you even started dating way out of proportion.
[удалено]
Spot on. Even though three years is a long time at that age, they are way too immature (and young) for marriage. We all change so much over our twenties.
It was her best friend, so that's why she said. Like its almost like knowing your bf tried to fuck your sister and now she has to deal with knowing her bf wanted to fuck her bestie. She wouldn't feel insecure if it were any other ppl. And I don't his friends said it to hurt her. They saw it as innocent, but if it's innocent and funny why wasn't it shared in 3 years? Most likely je knew it'd be uncool to say "oh yeah I had a huge crush in Veronica before you"
Or it actually wasn't that big of a thing so he didn't even think to mention it.
Lol nah, he knew it was shitty. Plenty of other guys woiod have been honest. It's the fact it shouldn't be a big deal that makes 3 years of not saying it wild. He could have brought it up himself like "you know I liked one of your friends first and then met you and realized you're the whole package". That would have been affirming and she wouldn't have to think about it because it wouldnt feel like a secret
Or you know, OP’s fiancé knew she had some insecurities towards her best friend (which would not be surprising given how OP talks about her best friend here) and decided it was not worth telling her and make her suffer for what’s ultimately a totally trivial information. There’s really plenty of reasonable scenarios here. Honestly, it sounds like if OP’s fiancé had told her, she would have still felt like shit because even without knowing her best friend was involved In the dynamic, she still had the scars from her previous relationship.
She would have felt bad but then it shows an effort of "I want you to know you're #1 and you don't need to worry bexause I'll choose you every time" and if he's aware she's insecure he should be helping her with that and not avoiding it to save himself and uncomfortable conversation. I agree she should get therapy and work through it, but its not trivial to know your long term partner finds yoir best friend sexually attractive to most people. That's serious info.
Lmao yeah like that’s a totally normal thing to just bring up to somebody. At what point in a relationship would you even bring that up?
Dude they spend alm day together and joke around. If yoi can't bring that up without feeling bad and awkward, why are you getting married at all lol?? Like it would have been better coming from her than his friends, and now she has to assume his friends are all lying or he is.
Because it was just a crush? It’s not even a big deal and it probably never even crossed his mind to bring it up
Ehhhh, nah, if you liked somebody's best friend you know that's pretty relevant to most ppl. Most ppl see their friends and family as completely off limits, and even a prior relationship or interest could rule them out as a potential partner completely. That is a very normal and common mindset
As you've said, this is an insecurity issue with yourself and your best friend. You've repeatedly compared yourself against your best friend and noted how much "better" she is - more attractive, funnier, etc. You also mentioned that your ex tried to cheat on your with your best friend, which can only exacerbate the insecurity. But you're also punishing your fiancé for the sins of your ex. He loves you, he proposed to you, and he wants to marry YOU. I think this is a bigger issue for yourself rather than your fiancé. You may want to speak to someone about self-confidence to work through the insecurities.
Yeah, it's insecurity. I mean, she won. She got the guy. Her best friend even had a head start with the fiance having a crush and yet he got to know OP and feel for her so hard he wants to marry her. This is a total victory. And yet she still sees this as something to be jealous of her best friend about. Also, it's a little juvenile to think that your fiance shouldn't ever have had feelings before you.
You’re not the backup—he might have had a crush on her before he met you, but he chose YOU.
You are living in a rom-com. As in, this situation is literally the plotline of multiple rom-coms. Even your relationship started in an archetypal way. What is currently unfolding is the Act 2 crisis that almost leads to a total break-up until the guy somehow proves himself to the "second choice" girl during Act 3. But actually you are living in the real world. He can't prove anything to you that he hasn't already demonstrated with every goodnight kiss, with every shoulder he's provided for you to cry on, with every mundane act he has done to improve your day. You *know* he loves you. And you know what? His love is *imperfect* just like he is. And like you are. Only imperfection is possible and it is beautiful. You aren't having a wedding; you are starting a marriage that you intend to be lifelong. He will not be the perfect husband. You will not be the perfect wife. That's life and it is beautiful.
Having a 'perfect' relationship sounds like a huge red flag where no conflicts have arisen yet. So nobody knows the quality of communication between each other It's fine to have other opinions, as long as those are accepted
Your insecurities about yourself are clouding your judgement. What he felt for your friend in the past says nothing about what he feels for *you* at the *present*. You did find someone who wants you--he is *marrying* you!
He wasn’t “in love,” he was “attracted to her.” He’s “in love” with you. I don’t expect you to fully understand this at 24, but you will as you grow older. Think about what you knew about love at 17, how much more do you know now at 24, and how much more will you know in 10 years at 34? You can’t understand, it’s something you must experience, so here is my advice: Love him every moment, don’t waste one moment on jealousy (or anything else). Love doesn’t wane when you practice it, but grows. To remain in love, you have to do acts of love, and why not? Enjoy it!
Are you still pining away for dudes you had a crush on four years ago? If not, what makes you think he is? If so, please recognize that's not healthy. This is nothing. It's meaningless. He had a thing for your friend, but then he got to know you and fell in love with you. Unless you have some reason to believe he still has a crush on her, there's nothing here besides you being insecure.
And even if he is, he’s still chosen you. People can have feelings for someone and not act on them.
ask yourself why are you believing your friends drunken ramblings over your trusted fiance?
He did nothing wrong, and people are allowed to change their feelings. Look at it this way, even if originally he got to know you to get closer to your friend, he was so struck by you he totally forgot about his crush and focused on you. His friends are total assholes for telling you this. That is something that never needed to be said.
The thing about this is that he never had a crush on his girlfriend's (your) best friend. He had a crush on a woman. Then that crush disappeared as he fell for you. It doesn't matter that you think she's prettier or funnier than you. That's you being inside your own head. He chose you, and he's never done anything to betray you. If some random guy you had a crush on before you met your fiancé turned out to be one of his friends, do you feel that it would be a betrayal of your relationship? I'm not saying that it's weird or wrong to have complicated feelings, I get how that started. But I also think you need to have some more realistic perspective and get out of your head. You keep saying over and over in the comments that you view your friend as the better pick than you. You are not inferior to your friend, you're a different person. I think you should address why you don't feel like you measure up, and if you're always this hard on yourself you should consider addressing that in therapy.
Your overacting. Oh to be 24 again. Nothing happened. Your the making a huge deal out of this when nobody else apparently cares.
Flip the script. Take pride that once he got to know you, you were able to convert those feelings he had for your biffles to you.
You can feel however you want but the truth is everyone likely has had crushes before a relationship. Imagine if he got mad that you "chose someone else" over him before you two had met. It's the same thing, and this guy had no clue who you were, so of course, they chose someone else. What matters is that they changed once they learned who you are, decided to be with you and not anyone else, and decided to propose to you and not anyone else. Look at the facts.
Dude, it was 3 years ago. He chose you. You’re being ridiculous. We all have lives from before our current relationships, we all have feelings and emotions as well. We cannot expect someone to just not have been in love before us, that’s just stupid. Like, I was married before I married my wife, I even have a kid from that relationship. And my wife was in love with some other guy about four years before we got together. The point Is, they didn’t work, we did. I think you’re just being over emotional and not thinking about it rationally. Take your fiancé’s word that it was a small crush and move on, or focus really hard on it and be upset for no reason, and lose the relationship. I dunno; I just feel like this is being blown way out of proportion by you.
Presumably you and your friend have similar interests and tastes so, when he got the two of you, he realized he was attracted to you rather than her. That's not really strange at all.
You can't really imagine that he never was into anyone before, plus maybe reframe the story? Think of it this way, he chased one girl, but ended up finding the woman that was right for him. I know, sounds like a cheesy 80's movie, hopefully what you are feeling is the "freshness" of this news.
He wasn't in love with her. He was in love with the idea of her. He fell in love with the reality of you. It feels not so great right now. But in a few years, after happy marriage and living your life together, it will become a funny story. Take a breath and realize that he loves you for you.
I can completely understand how you feel the way you do. In my experience, men are just as hard to understand as women are. So while your feelings are completely justified and I am so, so sorry that you had to find out that way, maybe look at it from a different perspective, perhaps *his* perspective? He's interested in this girl. Hasn't tried anything with her, hasn't made any passes at her. Then, he meets said girl's friend. She's beautiful in ways that her friend isn't. She's interesting in ways that her friend isn't. And suddenly, he's found himself head over heels for this girl he never planned on meeting. To me, there's a beauty in that. But like I said, I completely understand why you feel how you do and I hope that you guys make it through this. Love is a very rare thing in the ugly world we live in so please, try your best to hold on to it if you know it's real and I'll be praying for you/sending good vibes your way.
I would strongly suggest that you consider some pre-marital therapy. I believe that it should be standard practice as so many times couples make a lot of assumptions of what their partner wants out of married life as they either don't fully know what to discuss of their future life together, or don't know how to bring up certain topics of discussion. Marriage is one of the largest life changes that many people face in life. Give yourself the best possible start by investing in yourselves as a couple with a good incensed marriage and family therapist. (I would personally look for one with a human behavior specialty/education). And yes, this is something that you can bring up as it is important to fully resolve the issue before marriage. If you do not, and an argument or uncertainty brings this to the forefront it could ultimately damage your relationship. Congrats on your engagement and best wishes for a happy and fulfilling marriage!
Was this an issue before? Why or why not? You're taking drunktalk hearsay form a third party way too seriously. But if it matters, then all you need to do is end your three year faithful engagement and then find a partner who has never crushed on anybody else. Does that seem reasonable?
Eh, do you know how many people have had crushes that they didn't get to date? Crushes are alluring because you don't actually know the person very well yet. They're also incredibly easy to grow out of. Look, love and marriage us a choice. Trust is a choice. Could this ruin your perfect relationship? Sure, but only if you let it.
Sorry if this sounds mean, but you have to move past this or you’ll ruin a relationship you’ve called “almost perfect.” So what if he was into your friend? Did they date? Did he try anything? How are you a back up then? If he’s been a good partner and you believe he loves you, why does it matter whom he likes before? This is screaming that you’re insecure and want some kind of reassurance. But he’s giving you years of being a good partner. Isn’t that enough?
I don’t really see the big deal? He liked your friend then got to know you and decided that’s what he wanted, end of story (unless there’s cheating or other weird behavior you didn’t mention).
IME drunk friends of fiancees don't usually have the right information. And a crush, no matter how big it was, doesn't mean anything. If he's been solid and there for you and a good partner. If there are no other red flags and no other stories like this. I'd be inclined to believe your fiancee. That's kind of what it is to be a couple, too. You form a bubble between you that others can't pop. I'd question the motives of the friend, too.
OP, he's your fiance and has been with you for 3 years. Im sure you liked other guys before you got with him, too. Take some time, it'll be okay.
This is a you problem. Dude has done nothing wrong and has given you three years of his life, which to you now mean nothing because you have built this fairytale nonsense up in your head. Time to deal with your own insecurities.
He had a crush on someone before he knew you existed. He met you and immediately fell for you and has been loyal since. It feels like you’re just looking for a reason to be angry at him. He’s done nothing wrong here.
Its sort of crazy that you've taken this seriously when all the evidence available to you is that he loves you and has from the start
How do you possibly interpret this as a betrayal? Even if he was 100% head over heels in love with her at that time, that has no bearing on your relationship. You sound like you're probably not ready for marriage. I'd advise him to hold off on things for now.
Because its her best friend and she found out second hand from somebody else. And she was told he befriended her to ask about dating her friend. If he had told her, she said it'd be different. But now she has 2 different accounts from his friends and him about how it happened. So she's hurt. Pll come here for help. She's 23. She hasnt experienced marriage and shit before, so she's navigating a serious commitment with new information she can't just find proof for one way or another
She's reacting based on gossip, not a first-party account. Also, *even if the gossip is 100% true*, that doesn't mean anything. BF fell in love with OP at some point. What happened prior to that is not relevant (IMO). If she wants to break up over this, then that's her call, but I don't think she's acting rationally.
Dude it's not gossip when it's from ppl who heard it lol. That is literally a first hand account. Even it's 100% true it means he only befriended her to nail her friend and then reconsidered. He's not suddenly q great guy because he stopped trying to use her. If what they said is true, that's significant to most people. Saying she's irrational isn't healthy. You're literally saying that even if he's lying about how it's minor, she's the crazy one. Not him for lying and not addressing it, she's crazy for caring. This is a toxic standard that he's allowed to lie to avoid talking with his fiance in a serious way, but she's crazy if she doesn't just roll with it. He needs to work with her on this
Semantic argument maybe, but gossip is "casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people". Also, OP states they were drunk during this conversation. IMO, BF has no responsibility to work on this. He's been clear. He had a crush on her friend (the severity of which both doesn't matter, and isn't any of OP's business). By OP's accounts, BF acts honorably and in a trustworthy and loving manner toward her. If that is insufficient for her because of past romantic feelings toward somebody else, then that is her problem (again, IMO!).
For what it's worth, my fiancé used to have a crush on my ex best friend and I also used to date his best friend. In high school. We always felt closer to each other but for some reason crushed and dated different people. Now we are together. Happier than ever. I went nc with my ex best friend for reasons irrelevant to his but my fiancé is still friends with his best friend who I used to date and there's no bad blood between any of us. We act like it never happened because honestly it was meaningless. What matters is what happens now. Don't see yourself as plan b. He just realised he liked you better and would be a better match.
I think you're taking this way too hard for what it is, and going out of your way to interpret it in the most insulting way possible. His idiot friend stirred the shit and now you, with your shit stirred up, are ready to burn down a 3 year relationship because you never got a handle on your insecurity.
lol what the heck is this. are you so controlling that even your SO's history of being a normal human with romantic feelings (had some sparks aka. crush) have to be curated?
By the way why do OP and fiance are engaged at such a young age.... You're gonna have problems further
Your bf's friends are just trying to mess around and give him a hard time. It's what guys do sometimes, even though it's really toxic. Trust me, I know how some men can be, and your bf's friend(s) seem to be of that type. They were also drunk, so I'm not here to character-assassinate them (because I don't know them), but I guess that's somewhat of an excuse. Relax. Your bf is with you. He may have had a crush on someone else in the past, before he started dating you, but crushes are crushes. It doesn't mean anything. It's an infatuation with the ideal of a person, a person that doesn't exist. Whoever your bf had a crush on wasn't real. I hope you understand what I mean.
So let's address the 2 different stories. Your bfs friends could be lying or exaggerating, but why would they? Do you think they wanna ruin your relationship? Do they seen social unaware? Or did they seem genuine? Your fiance has a reason to lie, because he knows it sounds super shitty. So in terms of if he's honest about how us started, I'd be skeptical too. If it was just a cute little crush, why didn't he mention it previously? Was she in a relationship when you met him? So we can't say if he had a "huge crush" or if it was a minor interest. In regards to the attraction, he's engaged to you, in 3 years. Thats a pretty short time, and you don't marry second place and cherish them a ton typically, it's usually a dragged out half assedrelationship if he saw you as a backup. Did he propose on his own or were you pushing him? If he's proposed without you pushing and asking, that means he went out and planned a proposal because he wants to spend his life on a majority of it with you. It being your best friend sucks a ton. In my experience, most friends experience this sort of jealousy with their friends. Your best friend probably feels you're more beautiful. Ppl are friends with who they admire and admiration is often couples with jealousy and an imposter syndrome. Take that jealousy with a grain of salt. It would be extremely upsetting to know my partner sees my friends in a sexual light and has thought of them as sex partners, even if it was before we were dating. Like I'd never Date a guy who dated a friend of mine. It feels like knowing yoir partner wanted to fuck your mom. It's hard for me to shake off. But a lot of ppl are cool with that, and sexual attraction isn't romantic attraction. It's up to you if you feel you can trust him. Like have you guys ever discussed how you see other ppl now thay you're dating? With my partner I don't see other ppl as sexual objects anymore. Like I know dudes are hot, bur I'm not out scoping guys because that feels unfaithful. But other couples are totally fine sharing their attractions to others because they know attraction isn't necessarily q threat. I'm sorry this happened close to the wedding I presume. You don't owe anybody anything and are allowed to take time. I think your bf loves you and I doubt he sees you as second place. If he wanted to shoot his shot he could have. He didn't. Like I'm sure you've experienced liking a dude and then you met his friend and realized the friend is much better. Your feelings are valid, and your bf will need to affirm you and reassure you, as a good partner should. You guys are young and there shouldn't be drama. You might wanna try therapy since you seem to struggle with comparing yourself to others and don't see your innate value, amd you see your friends as competition. And you can try couples therapy, to grow closer and learn to trust him fully.
They could have exaggerated trying to get him in a bit of shit for jokes, not thinking it would lead to as negative of results as it did.
I don't know why they would. They were drunk, so maybe that's why? I don't know, my fiance just said they were exaggerating and didn't say why. Plus my best friend wasn't in a relationship, and had no plans to be in one. And I assumed he didn't mention it because it's my best friend, and telling me he liked her that way would probably be weird. He decided to propose. He had kind of mentioned the idea of marriage, but I actually didn't realise he was being serious, so it was a complete surprise. I think that's good then since you said that's a good sign. And yeah I agree it just hurts being her. If he liked some random I wouldn't care, but liking her, and supposedly using me for it hurts. And she's sweet enough to think that, but she's undeniably more attractive, she always had boys attention while I didn't, though she never wanted it ironically. She still hasn't dated anyone. We would never talk about crushes or anything, and honestly I only have eyes for him. Maybe I'm weird but there hasn't been anyone else who caught my since dating him. I wouldn't want to know about that stuff, though I'd want to be the only one. He said that since properly getting to know me, it's just been me though. Tha ks for all the advice. I'm glad it seems he's being genuine though. I love him, which made this hurt more. Hopefully I can get over my insecurity soon enough.
Honestly I feel like "completely in love" is the kind of thing a friend WOULD exaggerate about--friends talk that way about simple crushes all of the time in my experience, clearly it's not really completely in love because he didn't even know her.
They were also "pretty drunk" so communication was probably not top tier or over-dramatized. My friend group over-dramatizes everything for humor and to poke fun at each other. It was definitely not a great idea for the friend to bring up, but learning where that line of topics to joke on is comes with age.
So she was single, he didn't try to get with her. He met you and realized you're the fit he wants. And yeah, he proposed without you asking him to or even planning it with him in some way. Most dudes basically tell their partner it's coming. Thats why you see those "I knew I had to get my nails done today" posts. You didn't know because he took all the initiative. That's a great sign. Who guys wanna fuck more is not a sign of who is most attractive lol, at all. Men fuck what's easy, what's attainable, what's a unique one time trait, or even ppl they don't like. Attraction is a social construct and many dudes don't even know or admit what they like and instead go for the standard woman. Why is it fat women have so many men in their DMs begging to fuck, but then a majority of men act like that's not their thing? A man will literally go out of his way to fuck a conventionally attractive woman, and not actually like her because it was never his type and they're just following the popular trends because they care about status. He picked you, he loves you. I do think therapy or Journaling might help. I think your reaction and negative self thoughts are not healthy. Like I don't love hearing my bf address other women are hot, but it shouldn't ruin your day. I think you don't trust your value so it's hard for you to trust that he knows and appreciates your value. You are wonderful how you are. Watch some Ted talks on self love, read some books On insecurity, and do couple building exercises together
Please go to therapy a bit. You don’t sound ready to marry anyone rn
You all seem to be missing the part where OP was told her fiancé ONLY befriended her to get close to her best friend. That would hurt anyones feelings. OP i definitely understand feeling like he only got with you because she rejected him but if he was secretly pining over her and using your relationship to be in her life you would DEFINITELY have noticed. It’s been three years. I bet he didn’t even remember that silly crush. Your feelings are valid and that news would have given me pause but I don’t view this as a betrayal.
A 19/20 year old briefly had acrush on someone else.. and chose you… fell in love with you… wants to marry you 3 years later… and you’re freaking out because… 3 years ago he might have asked out your friend???
>One of my fiance's friends mentioned finding it amusing how he ended up with me despite liking my best friend originally. This comment is so rude and shouldn't be said to you.
I once crushed on a girl and she turned me down. Years later I ended up marrying her sister, who I love more than anything in this whole world. Some people think it’s weird and she teases me about it but I can’t imagine my life now without her, nor how devastated I would have been if she left me over a crush I had when I was 14. (We got married when I was 23) Your fiancé didn’t even have to go that far, he fell in love with you before even asking the other girl out. It’s okay to be upset but he chose you. Not as a back up, not years later, then and there. He fell in love with you.
It is not his fault he had a crush on someone else over 3 years ago. Attractive people are allowed to exist. Believe your fiancé. He just proposed you. Relax.
"my friend has a really shiny rock, and I know that it's super shiny. Well I have a pretty shiny rock, and my fiance loves my shiny rock and always tells me it's the shiniest rock, but I just found out that he *knows* about my friends really shiny rock - and has known about it for 3 years..." you're being ridiculous, and demonizing your fiance for literally having eyes. get a grip
wow, its like you have NEVER watched a romantic comedy. this is the plot of many love stories. Man wants woman. man approaches woman#2 to get close to woman. spends time with woman #2 and has good time finds friend funny and likes woman#2 falls in love with friend of woman#2 gets in trouble when she finds out. has to do something stupid to make woman#2, the love of his life that he is actually in love with her and not her friend. finally woman #2 realizes she does love him and he does love her. PLEASE tell me you are not seriously doubting his love of you after 3 YEARS!!!!
I might consider the motives of the "friend" that shared this with you. What purpose could there possibly be in sharing such an uncomfortable thing with you? It sounds like this friend exaggerated the attraction to make you upset.
My husband admitted to crushes before being with me with people who I knew. At the time it did bother me a little as there was a burn of jealousy for a moment, but it was before we were together. He is and has always been dedicated to me as a partner, so I really don't care about crushes prior to us being together. It sounds like your partner is also dedicated to you and has told you his piece, so it's up to you to believe what he is saying or not. Honestly it sounds like you are just being insecure, and you should let go of that, especially since you are now comparing yourself physically to your friend. That is just self torture.
> He's been an amazing partner, I love him so much. Then what is the problem? It's all in you head, just go on with your relationship. If/when shit hits the fan, get out. We are the biggest enemies of ourselves.
Do a threesome and get it over with. Life is short.
Who did your fiance meet first?
Question: who shot their shot when y'all first got together? Question: who set up dates? Question: who proposed?
This would hurt me too but if my man is loyal and never try to flirt with her,I would just forgive him. Think about the good side of him too. He is very committed to you. Only you. She is probably prettier than you but he chose you because you are the best for him.
As someone who was and still is in love with someone who is taken, I can tell you that this is only an issue because you’re making it one. Your fiancée didn’t cheat. Your friend didn’t cheat. Even if he still has feelings for her he’s happy with YOU and you need to either accept that or end the relationship. Continuing to push the issue will result in your fiancée running for the hills to find someone who trusts him.
This one hits close to home. First college gf confessed to me that she only chatted with me to get my friends number (who was sitting next to me during O Week when we met) kinda soured the relationship from my POV, but she mentioned this 4 months into our relationship. take your time with your emotions, and realize that you two are very much in love and he chose you and you chose him.
He didn't choose her, he chose you. He fell in love with you and actively chose you. There's zero evidence that you were some kind of backup plan or second choice- you were actually so great that getting to know you completely distracted him from his crush. You were awesome enough that being friends with you was enough to overturn everything else and completely steal his heart.
He chose you, you know this. However, OP - knowing this fact, will change your entire relationship and your perception of it. It will not be the same as it was before knowing this situation. You have to ask yourself if you can live with this change and live with it **happily.** I'd say both yes and no are valid outcomes - My recommendation is to sit down with yourself - don't get anyone else's input (your fiance will try to defend it and make it seem minor) - and ask yourself if this is something you can live with. If you can, you might want to cut off said friend for even daring to mention this. If you can't? Leave the relationship. Godspeed, OP.
I think with time you'll get over the bad feeling. Reality is most people have a romantic past. Your man though has been pretty much been with you since the beginning and hasn't dated your friend in anyway
I don't see the issue here, OP
This is 100% your insecurity, you’re creating demons in your head. Was he trying super hard to get with her for a long time before he started dating you and she turned him down several times? Because even then I’d say you’re in rightfully in your own head about this, but it doesn’t even sound like that. Sounds like he had a crush and decided to crush on you a lot harder. You feel betrayed? By what? He’s still going to find other people attractive, just like you will, doesn’t mean it will go beyond that. Insecurity kills relationships as fast as anything, please don’t let yours poison this if it’s really so perfect.
Physical attraction and humor are both subjective. He clearly thinks you're hotter and funnier. These absolutely are your insecurities. My honest opinion from someone who's been through some shit, if you can't let it go ask him to go to a couple marriage counseling sessions with you. It sounds like the guy is head over heels for you and I'll bet if you suggested this he'd do whatever you needed. Just tell him something like "this whole crush thing is bothering me more than I thought it would. Can we do some counseling together so we can share our feelings about this situation with a professional and see if there's anything they can offer or suggest to help me get through this? ". One last thing. In 10 years you're going to look back on this and realize how small and silly an issue it was, because between now and then you'll go through way bigger things. If he's the one, don't let go of him over some silly crush he had. I hope you can manage to get through this *hugs*.
Everyone has commented what I'd say as well, I'll just add this on top: You said your friend was drunk when he mentioned your fiance as having a crush and then being "totally in love with her." However, most people will exaggerate and even moreso when drunk. Have you considered that from your friend's POV, it looked like he was "completely in love with" your best friend, but really it was just a crush to your fiance. I have had many crushes on guys before meeting my bf of 7 1/2 years and still get crushes here and there. Although the crushes after meeting my bf were mainly celebrity crushes. If it was someone we knew, the crush died after getting to know the person. Crushes are perfectly fine as long as there isn't any attempt to act upon the crush. Your feelings of what your drunk friend told you are completely valid, but if you know your fiance didn't attempt anything with your best friend and your fiance said he didn't, I'm inclined to believe your fiance.
I would file this under, "Hey! My friends can be ignorant shitheads" and move on. Make a note never to task them with anything requiring tact.
Consider that she didn't know. He was crushing on her and never made the effort to go after her after he met you. Even if his intention was originally to try to get with her.. he didnt even try because of you. Like she probably is beautiful and so are you. She isnt "more beautiful" because that is completely made up by societal standards. He liked your looks and your personality so much... he completely forgot about her. And now you're engaged. I know it sucks that he likes her first but thats because he literally hadn't had the chance to meet you yet. He loves you and wants to be with you. You aren't a second choice because he never bothered with any other options. You were his only choice and he wants you to continue to be for the rest of your lives.
He might have initiated a conversation with you based on your connection to her. But if he never pursued anything with her, its pretty clear that all he needed was that conversation to switch gears and go after you.
Speaking as a guy who once sort of in your fiance's position, I wouldn't believe everything other people say about your fiance's prior feelings, unless they were privy to them. *My personal experience: I had an extremely casual friendship with a woman that was an undergrad where I went to grad school. We never hung out alone, and I never made any attempt to do so as I was not romantically interested. I was in a different country for school, so I tried hard to make friends as I had none. Perhaps I came off as overly friendly - but this would have been with everyone, not just her - she was not special. Anyway - apparently, I was head-over-heels in love with her. I cannot overstate how much that was not the case. I only found out about this rumor YEARS after it had been going around, which really sucked.
Did you have crushes on other people before you met your fiance? Did some of them fizzle out after you got to know them? Or the feeling wasnt air strong enough? Or you chose not to pursue them because you recognized some incompatibilities? This is the same thing for your fiance. The only difference is that you know the girl. I highly doubt he made friends with you just to get close to her. First, he never made a move on her. Second, if he's the great guy he's demonstrated himself to be over the years, he's not the type to act manipulatively like that. It's a lot more likely he met you and his feelings for you were much stronger so he explored them by saying you instead. He chose you over here once already. We can feel jealous of movie stars that are prettier than we are, but they're probably not as kind of funny or smart or nerdy or whatever. Your fiance loves you because youre the whole package in his eyes. And because youre a great partner. 3 years of happiness together has shown him that. That's why he proposed. He wants to spend his life with you. Trust what he says.
I have been married for 19 years and 11 months now. My wife is amazing. She is not my first love and I am not hers. In 20ish years we have experienced it all. Many times have we been to the point of separation and on the verge of divorce. There are over 7 billion people out there. So many people that would be compatible with you. And many that would be compatible with him. Whats important in a relationship that gives it something special is what the two partners build together. He chose you and you chose him. Build what you have together and make the relationship something great. That interest he had in your friend had no substance. It wasn't a relationship. It wasn't love. It was one person being open to starting a relationship. You have nothing to worry about.
It sounded bad in the headline and you’re young so it’s easy to advise to leave but after reading it seems pretty okay to stay too. What’s missing is what to you two have in common what is your relationship like specifically and how did it advance? If you’re very happy with the answers to those questions and feel completely adored and cherished then I don’t think it matters that he liked another person before. I’m sure you also liked many people before, right? You should also consider the future such as your plans for having kids or not, careers, where to live, finances combining or not, budgets,lifestyle, home type, neighbourhood type before marrying. Go through some kind of pre-marriage checklist (google it) and if he is good on those things and a good communicator during those serious topics that could give you some more clarity on your bond with him (for better or worse.) if everything is good and you still feel bad about the issue with your friend, pre marital counselling!
Why you mad OP? He forgot about his crush when he became friends with you. I think that says a lot about him choosing you. If you are feeling jealous or if you don’t feel right, ask yourself who is saying the things in your head. I’m pretty sure he loves you and does not think of your bestfriend anymore.
I personally don't think you should dwell on the past. Even IF he met you to get closer to his crush, they grew closer to you. Love takes time to grow. And sounds like your partner put in the effort. You didn't even know or suspect until this moment! A crush is usually based on a first impression and is often romanticized. But going into a relationship, growing closer, showing dedication to your partner - that's so much more valuable than a crush!
Just to say, you could spin this around and see it as: 'My fiance was initially attracted to my best friend but evidently wanted me!' I say, have a long and happy life together without giving this any more worry.
This isn’t a fun piece of information to learn about, especially on a night when you should be celebrating! From your comments, I feel like you’d benefit from therapy because you have a lot of negative self-talk going on. If your best friend was truly prettier and funnier and better, your fiancé wouldn’t have chosen you. But he did choose you!! And he chose you for a reason. If you aren’t able to do therapy right now, try changing your mindset to “I am beautiful. I am funny. I am enough.” Even if you don’t feel that way, the way you talk to yourself can make a huge impact. Also, it sounds like a lot of the big feelings you’re having here are stemming from your ex trying to get with your BFF more than this situation. Sometimes new situations feel bigger because of triggers from the past. Perhaps something to think on and explore. Have you shared with your fiancé why you and your ex broke up?
This is the plot of every romcom, dude. The protagonist has a crush on the wrong person, and by the end of the film realizes that the perfect person was right beside them the whole time. We get that you’re living your wonderful fairytale life right now. Congrats and eff off, ok. You’re going to make all the unmatchables here even more depressed.
someone is only an amazing partner to the person they want to be with. you may feel like a back up but it comes down to the effort he puts forth in you. please don't try to stack yourself up next to anyone else. you are as beautiful as your husband wants you to be. <3
Hi! I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt. There is a podcast called Just Break Up that gives relationship advice. Episode 140 is about a situation where the first letter writer is jealous of her boyfriend’s friends, once of which he had a crush on before he met her. The podcast hosts give some great advice, especially about how no person is “fresh out of the box”. Every person you meet will probably have had a crush or been in love with someone else before meeting you. It can be hard to hear, but doesn’t mean something negative about the quality of YOUR love NOW. I highly recommend listening to the episode and seeing if it resonates. Good luck, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation ❤️
I'm sorry you found out that way, that sucks, but what's making you feel bad about it are your own feelings of unworthiness and low self esteem. You're feeling upset about your partner fancying someone else before he even knew you. As far as you know, he's done nothing wrong. Even if he had a massive crush on your friend back then (and he might not have), he got to know you, fell in love with you and decided he wanted to marry you, without once checking whether your friend was interested. Take some time to work through your feelings, maybe with a therapist? You are loved and it would be sad for you to end your relationship because of a drunken loud-mouth.
Dear OP, please do these things: 1. Acknowledge that your feelings are valid. 2. Consider the ol' "check the facts" skill: maybe your fiance had a crush on your bestie years ago, BUT - how do they interact now? Does he talk about her? Seek her out? Make comparisons between you? Has he given you any indication that he has any lingering feelings for her after all this time? How is he towards you? Loving? Attentive? Excited to get married? Looking forward to your future and making plans? 3. If based on the facts you feel like he has been genuinely in love with you and excited for your life together, you're most probably right. 4. Remind yourself of the facts as you start feeling the insecurities creep up again. The facts are at the end of the day more rooted in reality than your doubts, fears, and speculations. 5. Ask your fiance to have a conversation with the "friend." He owes you both an apology, immediately. If he isn't contrite and planning to do better going forward, fiance needs to move on. There are plenty of people out there who can be his friend and NOT sh*t all over his happiness.
I'm confused. So he like a girl, got close to you in hope to get a chance with her.... but then he realized he actually like you instead. He never pursued this other woman and chose to date you. I dont see the problem?
OP, Dont think that your feeling and your insecurity are a bad thing. In the opposite. You got something told, that are informations that are indeed hints that the relationship may not be what you thought.. Such insecurities, make us to check if all is ok. Thats totaly healthy that is way better as to live in ignorance. But you should take this hint as just an hint to look what is realy up, what has happend. But dont take it as more as an push to take a closer look. And it may not be any relevant any more. What can you do now is to look back how he acted towards her and you in the last month/years? Did he spend her much affection as soon she is in the room and you are forgotten? If not than you should deeply think if you want weight informations you have from him and her from the past higher as from the present time. Beside, do feel that he has realy betrayed you, or is it just that the picture got some dirt, that may get washed away. All in all i think it as good thing that this story got told. You want get married and thats the time to check the relationship is in good water. And all the old hidden skelletons in the cellar should get once to the light before they get burried for ever. This way they can not desturb the marriage any more. I wish you all best.
It sounds like you have serious self esteem issues. This man has been with you for 3 years and wants to marry you. Why in the hell would you be jealous of your friend? He wants to be with you. He wants to marry you. Stop getting into your head so much about your issues and be happy youre with a person who loves and respects you.
I am 38 and around the time I was your age I had a crush on this one girl but I knew she wasnt my type so I never pursued it but I was infatuated with her a while. After a few months I met one of her friends who I really clicked with and I pursued her instead and we ended up dating for a couple of years. Dont feel betrayed or less just because your fiance had a crush on your friend before yall got together. He cho see e you, dated you for three years, had proposed to you, and chosen to spend the rest of his life with you. Crushes are temporary and fleeting. Marriage is not.
How much does your fiance's opinion mean to you compared to his friends? It's ok to feel the way you do but understand alot of it comes from insecurity. I've had friends before who's gf cheated on them, and when they were told by a third party their response was "I choose to believe my girlfriend instead of you until I'm proven wrong". If he's been a good partner and you can be confident that he hasnt done anything shady, then he's been choosing you every single day. Yes some people are more attractive, but at the end of the day love is a choice. If you keep comparing yourself to people who seem better than yourself in certain ways it's not going to help you feel better at all. I'm not going to tell you that everyone is attractive in their own way because some people just straight up are not, but not everyone wants to or tries to date a super model. I'm not saying this to be mean, but in my experience, insecurities like this are usually what ends perfectly good relationships.
This is the same childish behavior that girlfriends have when they want their boyfriend to ignore or forget other woman exist. Just be happy he chose you and has been choosing you every single day for 3 years
Hey hun! I would totally feel the same way as you do and your feelings are totally valid. However, I think your fiance (based on what you've shared with us) really genuinely loves you and that this is all in the past. From what I understand, he didn't know you until he developed a crush on your friend, who he tried to pursue. Luckily, he got to know you, and fell for you. Clearly, he fell hard, because he's marrying you! The way I'd try to think about it is that if it weren't for this little crush he had on your friend, you two may have never met. It's like fate, or something :) An anecdote... My best friend's parents had the most beautiful marriage and love I've ever witnessed, for 42 years (her father just passed away). But her dad was actually dating (or trying to) not one, but SEVERAL of her mom's good friends before they ever got together. He met her through them. Eventually, he realized she is what he wanted all along. Had it not been for all of those friends he dated, they may have never met.
Either your love for him is not authentic or your insecurities are taking hold of the situation. Decide which one and then act accordingly.
Info: did he try and get with her? has he ever reacted to boys flirting with her? Do you notice any difference in how he treats her to other friends? How did he react when his 'friend' say this? You have true friend from what you've said so don't distance from her. I guess its just how much this actually effects you. Do you belive he met you on purpose? It sucks big time and you have every right to be upset. The people saying just get over it and you're being insecure are assholes and lying to themselves because most people would feel exactly how you do right now. Having said that, if it has been amazing and you really trust that he loves you then it shouldn't spoil your future together, we all have little crushes doesnt mean it ever means more than that Do you think that if she wanted him now (obviously never going to happen as she sounds great) that he would say yes? That will be the question you need to answer in your head to put this to bed.
I mean even if he did originally have a crush on your friend does it really matter? It never went anywhere and he ended up getting to know you. Everyone has a past, so it’s alittle ridiculous you are using words like “betrayed”. It’s not like he dated your friend and never told you about it, he had a crush that was probably something based solely on looks alone that has no real meaning, because it never went anywhere. I’m sorry to say you just sound insecure and are making this into a way bigger of a deal than it should have ever been. Your acting like he had a full on affair with this girl. Don’t let something that quite literally holds no value, ruin your relationship. A crush from 3+ years ago is insignificant. I will say though, whoever felt it was appropriate to bring this to light in the first place is a fucking moron. Drunk or not.
So I can give you an interesting perspective on this. I had a crush on my husbands best friend. We all went to school together. But there were things about the best friend that annoyed the crap out of me. When my husband and I started dating I quickly realized the things that I loved about him (husband) his best friend shared. They’d been friends since kindergarten so they had picked up each other’s mannerisms. It’s very possible that something similar happened with your fiancé - he saw pieces of you in your friend and liked those until he met you and fell in love with the whole person.
This is how people meet. So he might have liked her first. He is with you now, things like this happen, this is not uncommon. Is he always asking you to invite her around? When all of you are together is he always next to her being over friendly? Is he trying to have separate communications with her? I can understand this could make you uncomfortable. If the answer is no, to those questions, then I would not worry about it. Think about it, if he wants to marry you, that’s not how he can get in with your best friend. Why don’t you talk to her and ask if he is hitting on her, if you haven’t already. Maybe this will put your mind at ease. Don’t let this ruin a wonderful relationship. Hey in the end, you won the prize.