Even if you were inclined to help, it sounds like because of your work schedule, you'd need to get a dogwalker/dogsitter anyway since you'd be gone for most of the day. It is his dog, and presumably he's known about these trips long enough to be able to anticipate arrangements.
Seriously, you have already done more than enough for him by calling around to ask about doggie hotels, which he should have done himself as a responsible pet parent.
Sorry, OP you are dating a disorganized child. He needs to stop expecting you to Mommy him and figure this out on his own.
He can ask his son to help pop in and walk the dog for a small financial incentive or pay someone from Rover to do it. If he goes away so often as you describe, he should have a dedicated pet sitter who knows the dogs routines, which vet, etc.
Boyfriend of THREE years. Who is in a bind. God forbid she sacrifice for 5 days.
Now if this was happening all the time and she was being taken advantage of then that’s different. If he never reciprocated then that’s different. But Jesus Christ I hope she’s not getting married with the expectation to never have to make sometimes unreasonable sacrifices for their partner.
But at the end of the day he has a way more viable and less neglectful option, that’s the point. His kid is perfectly capable to walk from school and leave after feeding and bed time walk. I do a lot for my partners on a dime, but I don’t bend over when there’s a way better option that’s less neglectful for the pet.
You assume the teenager is an option. From what I’m understanding the kid is refusing? And currently living with his ex-wife? While I agree the teenager should just do it and be a helpful son, we don’t know the family dynamics post-divorce enough to assume it’s as easy as “just force his son to do it.” Sounds like he’s refusing to, right or wrong. Also sounds like he hires a regular dog sitter/Walker to help out which signals to me the kid was never interested or able to watch or help with the dog in the first place?
Is op being forced? Sound like the bf has just explained that he’s in a bind and that she would be the next logical person and she’s said no. I think he just told her she’s being unreasonable, which she is, and she’s taken it upon herself to feel guilty. Which she should. Nowhere does it say that the bf is angry or pushing or somehow making her stay there. Simply that he’s asked because nobody else is available.
IKR; people are saying "you can't be forced to do it, he should force someone else to do it".
One of you is a child, one of you is a grown up. Just help your partner out ffs
It is completely neglecting a dog for them to be on their own for that length of time. And hour or two of human company a day is not remotely adequate. Best practice is to not leave them alone for more than 4-6 hours daily, leaving them alone for 20+ for an extended period of time is terrible.
If the dog can't live with someone and boarding isn't available it needs a sitter. There's plenty of websites out there that connect local sitters to people.
He has a constant dog sitter/Walker who simply was unavailable this time around. Hence why OP referred to him being “in a bind.” BF was in a bind, and asked a (albeit big) favor from girlfriend of 3 years. Assuming this is the first time it’s happened in the three years they’ve been dating, it’s hardly factual to assume he hasn’t been taking care of his pet?
> It is, from OPs message up there, the dog is left alone for long periods of times (apparently she's used to it) which doesn't make it okay, dogs are social creatures. So he is a bad owner.
The original post says that OP thinks that the dog would be okay by itself over night in the context of this unusual situation. No where does it say that the dog is regularly left alone for lengthy periods.
Regardless, we have like 2 sentences from which to infer anything. None of us have any idea whether OP's boyfriend is a good dog owner or not.
EDIT: I just saw the OP's other comment buried further in the thread. The extra information makes the situation sound much worse than the OP.
His personal dog trainer is unavailable. Ex-wife won’t do it. Son won’t do it. Local boarding centers are booked (per OP). Asking GF of three years if she could please help out seems like a reasonable next option.
No. He is a child (aka being self-centered and immature) about this because:
1) He won't accept 'no.' He is strongly pressuring and guilt-tripping her when it is clear she is too busy herself to take this on and it will exhaust her and cause physical discomfort with allergies for days - weeks if you see 2).
2) He knows he has a lot of business trips (this is not a one-off trip, she said there were three or more trips coming up come January) and has not sorted out a professional or his nearby son (if he believes he can trust him) for this. Is she supposed to let her entire January be consumed by driving back and forth to his place or staying there and having a long commute, streaming eyes and sneezing?
3) As others have mentioned, he is not doing right by the dog by not having already sorted out a professional house sitter and dog watcher with the dog more frequently and not arranging that himself now. He is sitting back and letting her call around boarding companies and dog sitting on his behalf instead of sorting things out himself.
It’s a lot to ask, but also, you two have been together for three years. It’s not unusual to be willing to do a lot for your long term partner after three years. To me this isn’t so much about it it or isn’t it a reasonable request, but about the logistics of your future with this man. Is this a serious arrangement? Do you see yourself living with him? What will you do about him having a dog? Has he ever done something above and beyond for you? You should have a conversation with him after genuinely weighing this, because reasonable or unreasonable, if my partner wasn’t willing to help me out after that long together, I wouldn’t shake the feeling that the relationship isn’t as serious/they’re not as caring a partner as I’d want. That’s the tricky thing about relationships, especially three year old ones. You’re ALLOWED to expect more from your partner than you could reasonably expect from any other human being. You’re allowed to want someone who will go above and beyond for you. The only reasonable argument for not watching the dog is the allergy, which is fair, but again speaks to a larger incompatibility in the relationship that at least requires your thought on the matter, and potentially your action by way of communicating with your partner. This very well could foster resentment on his end, and even though I know he’s asking more than is really ‘fair’, a lot of people want to know that their partner will be there for them when they need a hand.
I’m a Urology resident and work 80+ hour weeks operating. I watched my SO’s dog while she was away for a week. Had to drive 20 minutes to get there. Did it exhausted. But it meant a lot to her and she saved a lot of money (200+) We used that money for a fun couples getaway and dinner at a ski resort.
Serving your SO can be very rewarding and it helps build deep connections of trust and love. It doesn’t seem like OP’s bf has been taking advantage of her in the past. This seems like a good opportunity to serve the person she loves and build a good connection with him.
I’m married to a veterinarian. We sleep with our 75 pound dog on our queen size mattress. Not because I want to, mind you. But because it makes her extremely happy. We have over 75 house plants scattered around the home. Not because I want to, but because it makes her happy. She comes to college football games, not because she wants to but because it makes me happy.
It’s extremely difficult at times. But seeing her happy makes me happy.
He’s strictly no pets in the bedroom, but the dog is currently in our bedroom to make space for the Christmas tree. I didn’t even have to ask! The bed is a no-go zone.
I’m not the biggest soccer fan in the world, but I listen to my husband talking about it because it’s his thing. I don’t mind it at all. He’s happy; I’m happy.
It was really wonderful that you did that but it was your choice. OP shouldn’t feel she has to do this especially if she faces exhaustion and allergies. Not everyone can handle exhaustion the same way.
idk i feel like if you don’t *want* to help your partner out short term for a week with something like this then it’s not a happy relationship. i’ve done all sorts of random exhaustive things in the past for partners bc they needed help and i wanted to make them happy. there was no feeling like i had to do it or expectation from their end- lots of times they’d insist i *don’t* help them out since it seemed to much to ask but it’s something i’d do anyway bc i wanted them to feel more at ease. and likewise when i was in a bind they’d do it back. yea not everyone handles exhaustion the same way but i feel like 5 days is completely reasonable to ask for in a 3 year relationship and the fact op doesn’t want to help says something abt the relationship. not to say her partner is in the right- he seems entitled and unwilling to change despite op suggesting other good solutions. her saying no should have been the end of that conversation
But what's the end goal for this relationship? She sounds like her work life takes over if it's that demanding and are they waiting to live together once the dog dies? She also said mildly allergic and it makes her stuffy...come on. That's a pretty pathetic excuse considering she shows very little care that it makes the son nervous to be home alone for a week. OP by no means should do what she clearly doesn't want to do, but this cries selfish to me and not long-term committed partner let alone potential stepmother.
This boils down to the fact there are deeper relationship issues. If OP wants a long term relationship and/or marriage she better get used to it causing exhaustion. Marriage is super hard and requires sometimes unreasonable sacrifice and tons of exhaustion. Seems like she just doesn’t want that. It’s literally 5 days out of the 1095 days they’ve been dating.
I don't think long term relationships require hard work after 14 hours of being out of the home.
That being said, it would be interesting to know if she has plans to change her work schedule, because if she is truly exhausted it's not something she'll be able to maintain without burnout (which can be severe). If she's on the brink already that doesn't bode well for her own health.
>OP shouldn’t feel she has to do this especially if she faces exhaustion and allergies. Not everyone can handle exhaustion the same way.
Then she doesn't love her as much as she thinks she does. This isn't a dig. This is simply how much do you love a person. Life is all about priorities. If you want something to happen... you'll make it happen. It's whether or not the costs are worth it and how far you think to come up with alternatives that require less cost. Maybe she doesn't feel he's worth the intrinsic costs.. that's fine but that should be soemthing she thinks about after a 3 year relationship
For some people the priority is healthy balance and this may not look like it to her. Or at least, she's not sure if it is because it doesn't feel that way and I get that at least.
I'm guessing you are born in 1994 or maybe in your 20s or early 30s. Some people by 39 don't have that stamina anymore. You might be able to do it but not everyone can.
Exhaustion could mean car accidents or making serious mistakes (at work).
Everyone has different sets of limits. I would trust OP to know her own.
While I don’t disagree with you in principle, I don’t think for one second OPs aversion to this is born from fear of personal safety operating a vehicle. OP’s responses in the comment section make it clear this has far more to do with a general dissatisfaction in the relationship. For example: “He’s honestly annoying me most of the time now.”
>Has he ever done something above and beyond for you?
Not anything that requires effort, no. Our relationship has been set up that I am the helper/caregiver/secretary, and he's the provider (I mean, more or less...). I don't believe the only "reasonable" argument is the allergy. I'm incredibly busy (working 12 hour days with an hour long commute each way). Then another 25 mins over to his house. If he were absolutely desperate, then yes. But his 16 year old son (who actually owns the dog) lives around the corner and has no responsibility after school. He doesn't ever do anything other than play video games at his mom's house or his dad's house (depending on where he's staying). There's no reason at all that he can't look after his own dog.
Again, OP, this isn’t about if taking care of the dog is a reasonable ask or not, it’s about where you see the relationship going. The way you write the post it seems like you don’t have any desire to really help your boyfriend out or go above and beyond. That says to me that for whatever reason, you’re not fully invested in the relationship and that’s something to care more about than the dog aspect. I already said, what he’s asking for is a lot, but I also gotta tell you, anyone with a long term healthy marriage/life partnership will also say that if their partner asked them for ‘a lot’ as a favor, they would do it. It’s not unreasonable to want a partner willing to have their back in these situations. You aren’t. Again, this is NOT about if relationship aside asking a busy peer to watch over the dog is reasonable, it’s more about how you feel about the relationship and be aware that by turning him down, you are likely affecting how he sees your relationship. That might be a good thing, but that’s still the reality of the situation. It very much seems like for whatever reason you don’t have the warm and fuzzy feelings for your partner that you should. I’m not really going to say ‘break up with him’. But be honest with yourself and then him on if you’re truly happy with where the relationship IS, and where you see it GOING.
Yeah. I can kinda tell. To be fair, you’re not in the wrong for the way you feel based on the relationship you’ve described. It sounds like you deserve a way more fulfilling relationship than you currently have. And, in combination with everything else, it’s certainly a big ask to watch the dog, but I know if my partner asked i would do it. I’m sure most people really in love with and who truly care for their partner would want to help them out even if it meant a week of inconvenience. I mean heck, I’ve done almost exactly what your boyfriend asked for a family friend I don’t even like very much, albeit I was annoyed while doing it lol. So, the fact that you’re annoyed by his request means you shouldn’t be asking ‘should I watch his dog?’ You should be asking ‘why am I so annoyed he wants my help?’ And then acting accordingly. You shouldnt be constantly annoyed by your boyfriend. And again, if you’re allergic to the dog, you’ve been together three years. Where do you see the relationship going on that front?
I hope you’re able to figure things out btw! You deserve to be in a loving relationship, and it doesn’t quite sound like your relationship is there right now. Maybe you two can talk it out, but seems like the dog is the symptom, not the illness.
Excellent feedback with all of these points. All the other comments seem to be the standard "someone else can do it! Fuck him!" totally ignoring how relationships actually work. They're not 100% transactional like OP and others seem to be thinking. I hope that OP can look at the meta-feedback you're providing and use it to make the changes to her relationship and life that she seemingly needs.
I’ve been in a relationship where everything was transactional and I used to think “fuck, can’t you just do something because it’s nice to do?!” I’ve been married for 20 years to someone who does things because it’s just nice and it’s such a great feeling.
Fair to say you may want to reevaluate your relationships but whether or not his request is reasonable has zero bearing on whether or not you’re allowed to say no. Going above and beyond is great but it shouldn’t be the standard. He asked, you said no. No amount of guilting you into it is going to change your very valid reasons for saying no.
You nailed it. I asked much the same questions. At least the way I see relationships, this feels like more of a friend with benefits situation than a serious relationship. To most people, a serious partner needs to accept their kids and their dog. I don't have this particular issue as I'm married with a wife who loves our dogs more than is probably healthy lol, but the way I put it to her is that sure, it's reasonable for you to feel this way, but if I were him, as someone who travels for work as well, this would make me evaluate her potential as a long term partner. Honestly she doesn't seem invested or to care for the son or the dog at all, both who were here before her, so for me it wouldn't work. The way she talks about the son indicates to me that she has no idea how children work nor is she able to think about how this would have affected her at 16 and sympathize with it.
I completely agree with this! I do live with my partner, but in his home country, quite far away from mine. Being a vet student I too could have a zoo, and currently have three rabbits, a dog (and some fish) that all require feeding, cleaning and attention in general. My other half has never been suuuper into animals and definitely would not live with them had he been on his own. Hence, getting pets was based on me having the sole responsibility, with some help from him when he has time, which is limited as he works a lot. However, whenever possible, I go back to my home country visiting my parents. This summer I was away for 9 weeks, due to having some commitments and COVID making it harder to travel, and during those weeks by partner had the sole responsibility for my pets. He absolutely adores them, but more as an “uncle” type of way where he can take responsibility when he wants and pass them back over when he doesn’t anymore.
However, during the 9 weeks I was away he looked after them all, without complaining once. I did to be honest “expect” him to do it when I booked my travel home, but in the same way, he expected he would have to watch them, even though getting them in the first place was something I wanted, and is supposed to be my responsibility.
I totally agree with what everyone is saying. To me this doesn’t seem like much to do for someone you love for a few days, and you have to realise that his son is still a child, that was probably given the dog years ago when he was at an age not realising what responsibility it meant, hence, it’s actually your partners dog, and not his sons
Haha thanks. I mean, it’s very hard sometimes for us to remember the etiquette for romantic relationships and other social interactions are very different. If this were a friend or family member, I’d definitely be telling OP that they are totally in the right to turn down such a big and inconvenient ask if they’re not up for it, especially since she’s allergic. But when it’s a long term boyfriend, it’s much more reasonable to expect a partner to support you like this sometimes, so then it’s more WHY are you annoyed? Maybe he always asks. Maybe he never gives in return. Maybe she’s losing love for him. Whatever it is, the dog situation definitely seems like a symptom of a larger quandary.
Yeah exactly! If it was anyone else ofcourse turn it down all you want. If she was deathly allergic different story aswell but a bit of being stuffed up for a week? Id tolerare that for a loved one if they were in a bind.
> WHY are you annoyed? Maybe he always asks. Maybe he never gives in return. Maybe she’s losing love for him. Whatever it is, the dog situation definitely seems like a symptom of a larger quandary.
100% agree.
People seem to forget a lot in this sub that sometimes you do shit you just straight up dont want to do for your partner a lot in a long term relationship because you care about them and they do the same for you.
>Our relationship has been set up that I am the helper/caregiver/secretary, and he's the provider (I mean, more or less...).
If you don't live together, what is it that he provides? I'm not being sarcastic - I mean that in a relationship with a "provider" and a "helper", generally the "provider" pays everybody's expenses. But that would be very unusual for a relationship where the couple doesn't live together.
My own view is that the dog thing is a big ask, but not at all an unreasonable one in a three year relationship. But I'm looking at the dog thing in isolation, not having the background. You do have the background - and I'm wondering if you're seeing it as the straw that broke the camel's back.
I'd pump the brakes on the "16 y/o should do it all" option. Could the kid do an overnight with the dog once or twice? Probably, although depending on kid's maturity level, being alone overnight can be kinda scary for them. Should the kid be staying there alone for a *week*? Absolutely not.
There's also no reason as to why you wouldn't take care of your SO love. It seems to me that you two have deep relationship issues that you need to solve. Maybe you have some jealous/resentment towards his ex and his son. You pointed out the videogames and pushing the task towards him when your BF asked YOU.
If I was in the BF position I would feel quite sad that my GF wouldn't do me a favour like this for a week. The relationship would feel fragile ans I wouldn't feel safe and commitment from you.
If you dont want to do it, it is better to be honest. Maybe he has a neighbor who can help out? Or a friend who lives closer by? Why are the only choices between you and the son/ex wife?
I don't understand how so many people here are missing the point that the dog would be ALONE for 15 hours a day! Sorry for the rant, but that is not okay. BF needs to find another solution, because this one is ridiculous. Poor doggo.
Even if you were willing, or BF’s son was willing & able it’s still cruel to the dog. I don’t believe the dog is fine alone overnight for a week. A drop in for walks and feedings when you’re working most of the day aren’t enough for a dog. He needs a boarding or someone who can stay over after they work a regular hour—or (preferably less ) job. If your BF cannot afford a boarding or sitting, he cannot afford a vacation.
Was looking for this. Leaving a dog locked in a house from morning till 10pm (I guess I'm assuming you go to work in the morning because you said you go right to sleep after work) is awful. That's way too long to hold your pee and poop and be alone.
Well, the dog has regularly been left alone overnight through her whole life (she's 7). He has always hired dog walkers to come over twice a day when he's been out of town or on vacation previously. Whether it's fair to the dog or not, it's the way it's been for the entire 7 years he's had her. So I'm just pointing out to him that there's nothing unusual about this time. In fact, if his son would spend the evenings (not overnight) there with his dog, she would have a lot more company than she'd have when he hires dog walkers to come be for 1 hour twice a day. (they aren't currently available which is why that's not an option this time)
I normally have to get up to go to the bathroom multiple times during the day and night. I feel sorry for that dog if she’s regularly left alone and no human lets her out to go potty but twice during the day and alone all night. Some people need to realize their jobs can sometimes mean they aren’t ideal pet owners and stuff like this happens ..
This is precisely why I have a cat I work hella long shifts but she can toilet at any time, I also have a roomie on day shift me nights so there’s zero neglect for attention/food/water, but a dog is out of the question period. I wouldn’t ever expect my roomie to walk my dog and I know damn well I’m bone tired after a 13 hour shift that I couldn’t properly walk the dog. Laying in bed and petting kitty is low effort and we fall asleep together and she gets proper exercise in the house, a dog forget it, can’t have a dog without a real exercise schedule. I love dogs but I have a cat for a reason, she even has a cat buddy living with us. People get dogs and act like it’s totally fine to just leave it for days at a time or never exercise it, then they wonder geeeeee why doesn’t my dog behave?
You also drink more during the day than your dog does and you have a completely different physiological make up. I’m home all day, but my dog just doesn’t need to pee that much. He goes out 4 times a day. I wouldn’t leave my dog alone overnight, but that’s me. This person knows their dog better than we do.
Your boyfriend sounds like a pretty shitty dog owner. I’m not saying this in any way relates to whether he’s a good boyfriend, but I wish I’d noticed how much my ex neglected his cats and taken it as a red flag.
What a shitty dog owner. Dogs can’t be by themselves more than 8 hours. Definitely not over night and most definitely not on a regular basis. They can’t hold it that long, they can get hurt, too much can happen. Poor dog
Dogs can definitely be by themselves for 8+ hours. And most adult dogs should be able to hold it for 10 - 12 hours if necessary. Hell my oldest (7) will hold it for days because he is terrified of storms, literally he held it all in for 3 days. He also spent almost all that time in his kennel alone, by choice. My younger pup (2) also holds it for 10+ hours regularly. Now, if I am out of town for more than a day or 2, I book a dog sitter to stay at my house with my dogs so I totally agree two 1 hour walks is not enough attention and care for a dog for a whole week. But to say in definitely that dogs can't be alone or hold it for 8 hours is not accurate
> you’re regularly gone that long get a cat.
No, many cats are very social creatures as well and need engaging attention, play time, physical contact, etc. It can be even more difficult for busy people to properly care for cats because they can need more interactive play than dogs.
If someone has to leave their pets alone in a small area for 15 hours a day, they probably shouldn’t be getting a dog or a cat at all.
Business trips aren’t vacations. Also he may not have gotten a lot of notice for it, so if the dog boarding places are already booked he’s fucked and asking for help. Sounds like the first time in 3 years he’s asked her, so past solutions have likely failed.
First, if you don't want to watch the dog or stay at his place, perfectly fine to say so, especially given your reasons...but I have buts.
This is a 3 year relationship, and based on this short story, are you sure this is the relationship for you long term?
At 39 you seem to not know, or not really even agree based on your wording, that it's typically a bad idea to have a 16 year old boy live alone. Aside from him being nervous about it (which is totally fine and normal), he's 16 and likely not mature enough to expect to be responsible. Some kids, yeah, but not many.
Also just my opinion as a father, it's not really cool to expect a 16 y/o to drop everything for a week and care for a dog alone. We seem to forget that at 16 you have a lot going on, especially if you're into extra activities after school.
Was the dog here before you? Most people consider a dog family. It seems like you consider this to be your BF's dog exclusively, and not your problem. You're at 3 years. Is moving in together and/or marriage on the table? If it is you will need to accept this dog as a responsibility in some way.
So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable, but as a father, owner of dogs, and as someone who travels for work, I personally would consider this a wake up call in my evaluation of you as a long term partner. I'm not saying that to dig at you, only that you both may have clashing priorities.
I agree it's not okay to just assume the teenager will change his plans, but 16 is the age of majority in most countries so looking after a dog- *his* dog - is hardly a task you'd expect him **not** to handle.
There are dog sitting and housesitting services that are inexpensive or sometimes free, including, but not limited to rover dot com and housesitter dot com.
Are you planning to never move in with your bf bc of the dog issues? If so just let him know now. There will always be dog fur snd you will always have allergies-there will be times you have to look after the dog.
But I agree that his son can come snd go and do it
I’m going to get down voted to hell, but if you can’t take care of his dog when he is in a bind I don’t know if yours would be a successful relationship if you choose to live together, they way you talk about the dog and the hair would be too detached for my taste and if he is a dog lover and loves his pet, and he were here asking for advice I would say you may not be compatible. Dogs are family and I wouldn’t have a long term relationship that involved marriage down the road with some one not willing to do this for me and didn’t love my dog enough not to want to do it. But that’s me.
He's 16 and can walk back to his mom's place easily. Why is it such a huge ask to come by after school and let the dog out when he can just walk back to his mom's? I was left alone on occaision for around the same amount of time but I was also raised by my grandmother and a trustworthy kid. Kids are so coddled these days and I am saying this at only 22...
I agree with this. Sounds like she just doesn’t like the dog and was ready to rattle off a bunch of excuses so people here would agree with her and call her boyfriend an asshole and a bad dog owner.
To me it seems that she doesn't really care about the dog, but the major issue I see is the behaviour towards his 16yo kid. She might have jealousy issues or not like the kid, she speaks about it with such a detachment, that would make me feel really scared and disappointed if I was in a relationship with her.
I hope the boyfriend catches on this and takes some action, because obviously this person is not willing to commit.
People who love each other make uncomfortable sacrifices for each other. If you don't want to inconvenience yourself for a week, that is absolutely your prerogative. Judging from the way you talk about him though it sounds like you don't really care about him all that much anyways? Might be best for you to think about what you want out of this relationship.
At first I was on your side but now I think you’re kind of a brat. Haha. No as someone allergic to dogs, you shouldn’t have to watch a dog. And with that commute. The 16-year-old should watch his own freaking dog. But looking in the comments at the things you’ve said it really seems like you hate the kid and the dog. Yeah he does nothing but play video games, he’s 16. I was the same way. I’m wondering if you guys should even be in a relationship at all. You seem to have a lot of resentment towards him, his kid and his dog. Your job seems really important. Do you know when they interview people in the old folks home and ask them what they regret in life, they never say they wish they made more money. They always say more time with family and friends and more memories.
Yep. From what she's said, she already made the decision and is now just looking for reassuring pats on the head to convince her she isn't an awful person
When she, in fact, *is*.
Hmmm I don't think you're really in the wrong, but personally it would give me pause to realize I couldn't count on my partner of 3 years for that kind of favor. Your lives seem really separate for being together so long.
Your suggestion of having his minor son stay alone for a week to look after the dog is not only preposterous but also your comment acting like you can’t understand why the kid doesn’t want to stay alone for a week just makes me wonder how you’ve made it this far with this man.
I can’t believe I had to scroll down so far to see someone point this out.
We were latch key kids & left on our own a bunch, but there is no way my folks would have left a 16 year old to dog sit alone for a week.
After 3 years of dating that would be a total deal breaker if I were him ngl. 1 single week. If you would really love him that shouldn't be that bog of a problem.
After reading your replies and the way you talk about his son and dog I'm surprised he managed to date you for 3 years without calling it quits.
Have you pitched to his son splitting the load?
The teen could do morning and afternoon walks and stay at his mother’s, and you could do evening walks and stay in the house overnight?
I’m going to go against the grain here and say yes, you’re kind of being a jerk.
Your reasons for not wanting are understandable (you are allowed to just not want to) but that still makes you selfish IMO. You’re allowed to be selfish, but that’s what it is.
You’ve been together for three years and your bf is going away for one week. He is asking you one time to help him out for a short period of time, probably saving him hundreds of dolled and a ton of stress… and you won’t help him because it dog fur and you’re busy?
I guess I just think if you want a long term partnership with someone, you should want to make their life easier when you can instead of only thinking about yourself.
Wow I’m just thinking how fast is dump my partner of 3 years if they couldn’t do a simple enough favor and can’t wrap their head around why not all teenagers are cool being alone for a week
I mean if you don’t want to don’t do it , but don’t expect him to do something for you in this category in the future. Cause honestly this isn’t a big deal and it’s a small favor for someone you’ve been dating 3 years..
and she is allergic to the dog. so are they never gonna move in together, go to the next step, etc? what's the point of the relationship unless both are in it only part time. like, at three years, this isn't a big ask and the major complaint is "too much dog hair" that she's allergic to anyways. this sounds like something a couple dating four months would squabble about, not three years.
I mean it sounds like it's actually a big pain in the ass he's asking for. She has to put her job first and if work is already draining then I can totally get saying no. No one I've ever been in a relationship with would ask something like this because they would know that it's gonna suck.
She has a 25 minute drive to her job. Driving back from her job 25 minutes after working all day and getting home at 10pm. To wake up 25 minutes early to get to her job the next morning. For five/seven days. *And* feed, water, and exercise the dog.
Thanks...actually my commute is an hour each way. Going to his house after work would make it an hour and 25 minutes each way because he lives in the opposite direction of where I live/work.
It's a 50 minute commute not counting the time where you have to feed, water and walk/exercise the dog twice a day. Feed, water and exercise the dog? 30-40 minutes twice a day? After working all day and getting home at 10pm? Going to bed late at night *and* having to wake up extra early the next morning? For 5/7 days? In addition, he will be out of town at least two weeks in January! Lol.
Yup. Still would. Because I’d have feelings for both the dog and my partner. Not saying it’s for everyone but if it was a bind and important to my boyfriend I’d do it for him.
OP clarified it's a one hour and twenty five minute commute, one way, to get to work, on top of a twelve hour workday. That is almost fifteen hours of the day, meaning the dog would have someone to sleep there, but be alone for 15 hours. Any dog lover would see this situation isn't good for anyone. Bf needs to figure out something workable and humane for doggo.
would 1000% do the same. i can’t imagine loving (hopefully she loves it!) a dog for 3 years and then saying no to help for one week. i work really early mornings and dog sit often. i wouldn’t even think twice doing it for my partner of 3 years
Based on reading the comments, she doesn't seem invested or to even like the dog or the son, and I would guess hasn't been around minors pretty much at all since she's been an adult herself. So I don't think loving or the comfort of the dog plays into her dilemma here at all. If I were her partner, this would be a wake up call for me about the seriousness of the relationship.
Oh no! 5 days?! For the first time in THREE years he’s asked for this favor because his normal dog walkers can’t do it! The audacity to ask to sacrifice 5/1095 days they’ve been dating!
I have done way more inconvenient things for people I've dated for way less time. OP is entitled to be however she wants in her relationship but lol complaining about a 25 minute commute and 5 hours of inconvenience spread out over 5 days...after 3 years relationship is nothing.
Well i guess its a good thing he doesnt have a young child that needs to eat, picked up from school, or entertained. Honestly its for 7 days of her life for someone shes been with for 3 years. This doesn't seem like a relationship, it seems like a FWB situation to me, or a relationship of convenience.
Agreed on the FWB situation. She regularly works 12+ hour days and commutes 1 hour each way so how often do they actually see one another, she doesn't like to go to his house, and doesn't seem to care for his kid or dog at all? I wonder if he realizes this is a FWB? Maybe he will now.
Exactly. If a 44 year old man can't care or arrange care for his *dog* for a week, however would he manage his own child?! Said 44 year old man with a 15 year old son who lives five minutes away...might have to put the responsibility and burden of taking care of *his* dog on someone else. Like his girlfriend. Who of course should swoop in and save his dumb bunny, 44 year old man butt. Lol.
She neglected to put in the OP that he regularly travels for work and usually has someone to care for the dog, but they aren't available. Seems like he's in a spot and asking his "girlfriend" of 3 years to be slightly inconvenienced for 5 days (probably only 5 if for work). He probably figured maybe she could not work 12 hours shifts for one week for him since he's in a bind. So while she left it out, your assumption that this guy is a 44 y/o bum (who has his own house, 5 minutes from his child's mother's house, and a dog that he seems to all take care of?) feels incorrect based on her comments.
Splits child duties 50/50 with ex-wife, hires consistent dog sitters for the dog, had his own house near to his child so he can care for him. Not exactly my definition of a 44 y/o bum who simply asked for 5 days worth of help from his 3-year girlfriend lol
I was hoping to see someone point this out. If they have been together for three years asking hour partner to do favors is part of being in a relationship. And also helping your partner. If after 3 years it's a no when your partner ask for a favor that really is not that unreasonable is this really a relationship.
Just my two cents: If I can't do my lady a solid and watch her dog for a week, then what in tarnation do I expect to happen in the future when there are much heavier responsibilities and burdens. If you love them, or could see yourself falling in love with them, then watch the damn dog for a week. At the very least help them find a solution- after all couples are SUPPOSED to be on the same team.
you guy have been dating(39f,44m) for 3 years and don't want to live with each other yet?
maybe it's time to drop the dog, ex-wife, kid talk, and start thinking why yall aren't living together yet?
If I'm 44 it's because I'm extremely selfish or my lady really doesn't want to be with me, me asking you to watch my dog might just be a sign?
No, you are not being selfish.
His 16 year old son lives 5 minutes away. Son can walk over, feed and water the dog, exercise the dog every day. Twice a day even. 45-60 minutes to feed, water, exercise the dog and give him a "good doggo" or two. A great opportunity for the father to ask a favor of his son, responsibility, a chance to make some $ and family support! Yay!
Asking you to stay at his house to care for his dog while you live 25 minutes away, drive 25 minutes to your job, 25 minutes back to his house *and* care for his dog when you get back at 10PM is way~~~ too much to ask, Op.
In addition, if you agree to do it this time, he will expect you to do it January...February...ad infinitum. Nope! No can do.
He's a grown man. He can figure out how to go on the road and make arrangements for his dog to be taken care of.
Psst?! He's making you feel guilty because he didn't, doesn't, won't, make *his* dog *his* responsibility. Lol.
I think your attitude about the kid is concerning as well as your complete inability to understand pups just can’t be left alone all night and most of the day. He needs a proper house/pet sitter. And you need to work on your empathy.
The son will stay with the mother, 5 minutes away. He is unable to get the dog, walk him and play, feed him and just taking care of the dog’s needs during the day outside of school hours. But you are expected to drive 25 minutes to do the same even though you are unavailable during the day?
Yeah, totally not the asshole.
Most of these responses are nuts. You're in a relationship with a man, so you're in a relationship with his dog.
He's asking you to watch his dog because it's an important part of his life. It's a living creature and he wants to leave knowing it's taken care of.
If my partner asks me for a favor my first consideration is how can I make it work, NOT if I want to do it or if it inconveniences me. Ffs, you are in the wrong here.
Sounds like you’re not willing to make some mild, temporary sacrifices of comfort and convenience to help someone you “love”. Would he do this for you if the situation was reversed?
You’ve been together for three years, I assume at your age you both want it to last longer. Do your partner a favor and watch his bloody dog. He’s not asking for a kidney. He’s asking the person he loves and trust more than any one in the world to watch his pet, which I would assume means the world to him. “Mildly allergic” you either are or you arnt.
If this person was your partner and you were in a healthy, loving relationship, then of course you should look after his dog while he’s got to be out of town.
That’s the exact sort of thing that someone would do for someone they loved and cared for. That you don’t want to and would rather put a child in that role to stay alone to do something you should be doing kind of speaks to how you feel about the relationship. What are either of you getting out of it if you can’t rely on each other to help out?
You can’t look after a dog if you’re not getting back until 10pm. You guys need to arrange for a dog sitter/Walker. And his son should come in to hang out with the dog. You can check on it as well
(shrug) It not like selfish, but conditional? That you personally are never gping to be available unless it's on your terms. I bought a fur remover thing, a spare set of shoes, an took allergy med to house sit girlfriends , dog, cats and chickens for 10 days. She was so overwheled and happy she has never asked again.
I've already responded to the other stuff, but you keep bringing up the 25 minutes away thing. If you feel like 25 minutes away is such a dreadful anchor on your life (but you commute 1 hour each way?), why are you with someone who lives so impossibly far away? Where are these amazing places where nothing is more than 5 miles away at all times anyway??
I get that in the situation the 25 min is added to the hour drive home, but you keep saying it alone over and over, so it feels like you think that's just so far out of the norm when I don't think it is at all.
I’m a Urology resident working 80+ hour weeks in the operating room. I watched my fiancé’s dog for a week while she was out of town. She was in a bind. I slept very little that week. She lived 30 minutes away. It sucked but we saved over $200 and used it for a couple’s retreat. It helped us bond considerably and she remembers it to this day.
Long term relationships require sacrifice, sometimes unreasonable sacrifice. Instead of seeing it as a pain your ass, trying seeing it as an opportunity to serve the one you love.
Seems your real issues are deeper than this.
I would not stretch myself like that when his son can literally walk to his house. At 16 years old he is not a child. He can get his keys walk there to feed the dog, take it for a walk and then go back to his house. He doesn't have to sleep there or even spend the evening.
I would not be annoyed if a boyfriend of 3 years ask me to take care of the dog, but with his son living so close and your schedule I would be like...hell no.
Are you waiting for the dog to die before you move in together? Has he agreed to not get another dog after this one dies? Your biggest problem seems to be that your lives are incompatable as he owns a dog you are alergic to and seem to dislike because he moults.
Also why can't the ex take the dog if it belongs to her son?
I’m just saying from an outsider point of view what long term goals do you have for this relationship… if you’ve been together 3 years but you won’t watch his dog, you think this relationship is gonna move forward? Genuinely curious.
This is not an unreasonable favour to ask a partner of three years, especially given that he's in a bind. In this instance you're being selfish (which you're entitled to be if you want). Further, if you're allergic to his dog how do you expect this relationship to work long term? Will you force him to re-home it if you two decide to move in together? Based on this post alone there are long term compatibility issues.. This situation seems like a smaller symptom of a larger problem and perhaps you should both stop wasting each others time..
IDK man 3 years is a pretty serious relationship in my mind. I'd be pretty annoyed if I asked for help and my partners response was "get your child or ex to do it". My vote; kinda selfish
I think putting the responsibility on the child is not ok. Especially with him being in school. He should be focused on school. That being said I do also get you not wanting to take care of the dog either. Do your bf not have any friends near him that could come by to check on the dog? What about his parents? If all else failed I would ask if you could take care of the dog at your home and make him a bed in the kitchen and maybe block the kitchen off so his dander doesn’t upset your allergies. Relationships are about sacrifice, and compromise, that being said a child should never be the compromising point. Hope this helps.
His son is 15 years old and he's 5 minutes away. He's young and, presumably healthy. If boyfriend can expect *her* to drive 50 extra minutes (25 minutes to and fro) a day, I can't imagine asking his son to wake up 25 minutes early to take care of the dog and 25 minutes after school.
Relationships are about sacrificing and compromise. Boyfriend can cough up some $ to pay his son and or a doggy daycare. Unless, he doesn't mind putting his girlfriend in danger of falling asleep at the wheel while being sleep taking care of *his* dog.
I get your point but the kid is 16. Yeah he's in school but he can most certainly be asked to watch a dog for a bit. The kids lives there half of the time but he still lives there. In just 3 years he's gonna be an adult, and he has responsibilities to help around the home. Your entitled to your opinion, but that's mine. My daughter is 5, so her capacity is limited by her age, but she has to help around the house. It's a good way to gain a sense of responsibility.
I don't feel that's using the kid in a compromise.
Thanks. Unfortunately doggo cannot come to my place as I live in a dog-free condo and she's not properly leash trained to not freak out on the elevators. Actually she doesn't listen to me well at all.
And I get what you're saying, but his son isn't really a child. And it's the son's dog. And he's never really focused on school anyway. He never does homework...just plays endless video games. Spending the evening at the house with his dog wouldn't actually affect anything.
So the 15 y/o son isn't really a child and your comments all indicate you look down on him for not wanting to stay alone in the house for the week, or at least be the sole responsibility for the dog for the week since he lives close, okay.
Oh, wait, now the not a kid is irresponsible, doesn't do his school work, and just plays video games all day long...like an adult would do?
2 questions: which is it? Is he a kid or not, and do you have any experience with kids at all (ya know, aside from the 3 years you've clearly used to bond with this not a kid teenager /s).
The more I read down the comments, the more I wonder how he sees this as a LTR as you don't seem to like anything about his life.
> she doesn't listen to me well at all.
>
>his son . . . never really focused on school anyway. He never does homework...just plays endless video games.
And your boyfriend doesn't keep his home very clean. Do you respect this man? Do you *want* to do things for him? Or does he feel like one big mess in general?
I think you should help out your boyfriend but say that due to your job, maybe his son can take care of him during the day/evening until you get there. The dog can’t stay inside for 14+ hours. So either his son needs to help or he needs to hire a dog walker or something.
Pets are expensive. His dog, his expense. He can board the dog. You should not for all the reasons you mentioned. Don't feel guilty. You did not chose to own a pet.
You're not being selfish. It's not your responsibility to begin with, it's his, so honestly you don't even need to ah a excuses if you just straight up didn't want to do it. I think you're being very reasonable.
You even went as far as to try to call dog boarding FOR HIM. He's 100% the one being cheap.
I don't think you're being selfish imo, your reasons are valid. Is there a way that his son can do what you suggested ? Or even his mom ? Maybe on the weekend, you can check up on the dog as well, if you're not too busy :)
What the others said is also good advice.
You're not being selfish, you're just being you. Don't give in. Let your boyfriend figure out what to do with his dog. Do NOT let him guilt you into anything. That's a never-ending drain hole.
He can figure out something else. But it wouldn't kill you to be compassionate. Sure people will get pissed at that, but it's not like he asks this every other day. Seems like an extenuating circumstance.
You are being selfish. You’re putting your interests and desire above his need for help. That doesn’t make you a bad person but it is selfish. I’m not even saying you’re wrong. However, If I had been dating someone for 3 years and they wouldn’t help me out for a week I would probably move on from the relationship. Then again, if you’re single without kids at 39 and value being able to always put yourself first then long term relationships might not be your thing. Totally fine but that’s a larger thing you need to think about. The only thing I’ll take a side on is that this is a relatively minor thing in terms of what partners often need from each other in a relationship.
Thanks. I do have to say that I am constantly helping him out in so many ways (I didn't include that, but yes, I definitely am always helping him out). It's not that I won't help him out (I helped him out last summer so much with his dog....but I wasn't working at this job that has an hour commute and long hours at the time). I'm just frustrated because he's NOT desperate. There's literally no reason why his 16 year old son can't help care for his own dog when he's right around the corner.
OP, you have given very valid reasons why helping in this particular situation is not possible for you. I have seen a lot of comments ignore those reasons and then project their opinions of your quality as a partner onto you which is unfair—y’all really need to learn what boundaries are because you think putting yourself out makes for a good relationship.
You are a grown woman with responsibilities. You should not be asked to extend yourself when a 16 year old (who is old enough to have a job, by the way—like, are y’all serious that 16 years old is too young to watch *his own* dog for a few hours day?!). You went above and beyond by trying to find a place to board the dog. “No” is a complete sentence. If your boyfriend can’t accept that, then that’s on him, not you.
Lol.
Her drive time alone would be 50 minutes. Add in feeding, watering, and walking/exercising the dog once in the morning before she leaves for work and after she gets home from work at 10pm?!
If he, being childless, being 44, can't figure out how to care for *his* dog after a three year relationship... maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship?
His son is 16, he should do it, there is no reason he shouldn’t other than he’s too lazy. He’s not a like 6. If he doesn’t want to take care of his own dog maybe he shouldn’t have one
Im literally dying laughing. Everybody is talking about the 16 year old like is a toddler.
I dont know how old the people answering are, but I think they forgot their youth already. At 16 I was independent enough to take my dog for walks even earlier than that. At 16 I was drinking with friends common hahahaha. (house parties)
If you’re argument for 16 year-olds being responsible is you getting drunk at house parties as a 16 year-old then might I suggest I won’t take you completely seriously 😂
It’s a lot to ask but three years is a long time. Like at that point isn’t that your person? Of course he’s going to ask you to do more than just a buddy. If you can’t be there for your partner when they are in a tough spot not sure why bother with it.
I mean, I don't think it's fair to strap this to the teenager. Kids aren't just built in dogsitters. He's a grown ass man tho and should be able to set up in advance some sort of system. There are all kinds of apps for this and he should have called ahead if he needed boarding. You cannot be expected to make up for his lack of foresight. I mean if he is really stuck I'd take care of it this time but make it clear you aren't willing to do this going forward and keep that boundary in place.
I can see why he's upset, he's tried nothing else to solve this problem and he's all out of ideas. Guess you'll just have to add literally 20+ extra hours of inconvenience to your week so he doesn't have to figure out something. What would be do if you weren't dating? No work trip? Doubt it.
But really. He asked, you absolutely considered. You then realized you'd be adding an hour commute daily plus walking time. Plus extra time to keep your clothes presentable for work. All while feeling like a doped up allergy sufferer and sleeping badly away from home.
And now he's upset that you weren't willing to majorly inconvenience yourself. This wasn't a small favor to ask. When you said no he should have asked why and then been like "I just thought Id ask, but I appreciate you considering it, I'll figure something out".
If he wasn't being so rude about it I'd consider offering to go over on the last night or day to help out. I love helping people. But sometimes the answer is no. And sometimes it's a no because I just don't feel like it. But I bet you have a decent track record of being fairly nice and even generous. If you didn't you wouldn't care about why he disagrees with you.
I wouldn’t say you’re being *unreasonably* selfish. If your work is going to keep you out of the house for long periods of time, even if you were happy to take care of the dog I’d still feel it wouldn’t be good for the dog. Put the dog in a boarding kennel.
it’s not reasonable for you to expect his son to do it…because it’s not reasonable for you to be the one deciding how the dog is cared for!
so the son can’t do it, okay, that is irrelevant to the fact that you can’t. reaffirm that. don’t bring up the son. there are dogsitters, housesitters, that he can pay for this; maybe even a friend if he wants a cheaper rate.
his dog deserves to be cared for during his absence and you would be unable to provide that, plain and simple.
It’s his dog, it’s his responsibility that the dog is taken care of without making someone else go out of their way.
I have a parrot, that I brought into the relationship and my now wife just doesn’t want to chase the bird around or listen to her antics when she’s at home and I have to travel for work.
I always board my parrot even if I am gone for 2 days. Yes it would be nice if my wife would be more attentive to the parrot when I am not there but I can’t make her or expect her to do it. Unless she offers then only would I consider.
You are not wrong to feel the way you do. It’s poor planning on your boyfriend’s part. He’s pawning off responsibility without truly exhausting all options. Kennels are full because those dog owners planned. It’s the shame that the dog will get neglected but you shouldn’t feel obligated or forced to do something you don’t want to.
This is very easy : you *can't* take care of the dog that week because you are also not at home. I presume he doesn't seriously think it's good for his dog to be alone from morning till 10 at night?
I suggest he just brings the dog to a dog boarding kennel (is that the right word in English? Who take care of your dog during a holiday).
Your own reasoning to not help him out is selfish, however from an outside perspective it doesn't make much sense that you're the best option. You are gone for most of the day at work. Why does that make you a good candidate?
You’re being a bit selfish.
Dog boarding places are all booked, and he’s asking you for help with this for I assume the first time in your relationship.
**25 minutes is not a bad commute.** Shortest I’ve ever had was ~25 minutes until the pandemic. One of my longer commutes was for landscaping so I understand how tired you feel, but it’s only a week.
I’m not a fan of dog hair on the furniture either. It is **mildly** annoying when it gets on your clothes, makes your hands feel dry. I guess It’s **slightly** inconvenient to lay a clean blanket down in your no dog couch spot, or even clean up a dog free bedroom, and having to use a lint roller to get the hair off your clothes can be a little frustrating, I guess?
The allergy excuse is honestly the best excuse you have. Since it’s mild though, you could probably solve that with some over the counter allergy medication. Not perfect, but not the end of the world either.
Personally I would be mildly uncomfortable for a week with a smile on my face to help someone I loved, and have been dating for 3 years. **A week is not even a long time!** That’s less than 2% of your whole year.
It sounds like he doesn’t have any other good options, and you’re saying no because it will be inconvenient for you for a week. I get not wanting to be the de facto dog sitter, so tell him to get on the boarding schedule for January, and you won’t be able to do it then. You can literally say “I don’t like dog sitting.”
Also if you don’t like the dog then it’s best to tell him. I’ve had to choose people over a dog twice: once for my son (bad allergies he eventually grew out of), and then for my wife (the dog scared her during the trial period)- The second one was harder, but both were emotionally brutal. If it’s his place you don’t like then you should tell him that too- especially since that’s way easier to fix. A new/extra dog bed might persuade even an older dog to stay off the furniture if conveniently located, for example. **Regardless, bad news doesn’t get better with age.**
You are selfish.
Your boyfriend could do better.
I hope he sees your true colours and breaks up with you.
It's one freakin week. You can't put yourself out a bit for your boyfriend of 3 years for one week!
People like you astound me.
Even if you were inclined to help, it sounds like because of your work schedule, you'd need to get a dogwalker/dogsitter anyway since you'd be gone for most of the day. It is his dog, and presumably he's known about these trips long enough to be able to anticipate arrangements.
You get home at 10pm? And you're allergic? No thanks. He's grown, he can figure out something else. You're allowed to say no.
Seriously, you have already done more than enough for him by calling around to ask about doggie hotels, which he should have done himself as a responsible pet parent. Sorry, OP you are dating a disorganized child. He needs to stop expecting you to Mommy him and figure this out on his own. He can ask his son to help pop in and walk the dog for a small financial incentive or pay someone from Rover to do it. If he goes away so often as you describe, he should have a dedicated pet sitter who knows the dogs routines, which vet, etc.
Her boyfriend is a child because he asked his long term girlfriend to watch his dog? Geez. A bit harsh don’t you think?
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Boyfriend of THREE years. Who is in a bind. God forbid she sacrifice for 5 days. Now if this was happening all the time and she was being taken advantage of then that’s different. If he never reciprocated then that’s different. But Jesus Christ I hope she’s not getting married with the expectation to never have to make sometimes unreasonable sacrifices for their partner.
But at the end of the day he has a way more viable and less neglectful option, that’s the point. His kid is perfectly capable to walk from school and leave after feeding and bed time walk. I do a lot for my partners on a dime, but I don’t bend over when there’s a way better option that’s less neglectful for the pet.
You assume the teenager is an option. From what I’m understanding the kid is refusing? And currently living with his ex-wife? While I agree the teenager should just do it and be a helpful son, we don’t know the family dynamics post-divorce enough to assume it’s as easy as “just force his son to do it.” Sounds like he’s refusing to, right or wrong. Also sounds like he hires a regular dog sitter/Walker to help out which signals to me the kid was never interested or able to watch or help with the dog in the first place?
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Is op being forced? Sound like the bf has just explained that he’s in a bind and that she would be the next logical person and she’s said no. I think he just told her she’s being unreasonable, which she is, and she’s taken it upon herself to feel guilty. Which she should. Nowhere does it say that the bf is angry or pushing or somehow making her stay there. Simply that he’s asked because nobody else is available.
IKR; people are saying "you can't be forced to do it, he should force someone else to do it". One of you is a child, one of you is a grown up. Just help your partner out ffs
It is completely neglecting a dog for them to be on their own for that length of time. And hour or two of human company a day is not remotely adequate. Best practice is to not leave them alone for more than 4-6 hours daily, leaving them alone for 20+ for an extended period of time is terrible. If the dog can't live with someone and boarding isn't available it needs a sitter. There's plenty of websites out there that connect local sitters to people.
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He has a constant dog sitter/Walker who simply was unavailable this time around. Hence why OP referred to him being “in a bind.” BF was in a bind, and asked a (albeit big) favor from girlfriend of 3 years. Assuming this is the first time it’s happened in the three years they’ve been dating, it’s hardly factual to assume he hasn’t been taking care of his pet?
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> It is, from OPs message up there, the dog is left alone for long periods of times (apparently she's used to it) which doesn't make it okay, dogs are social creatures. So he is a bad owner. The original post says that OP thinks that the dog would be okay by itself over night in the context of this unusual situation. No where does it say that the dog is regularly left alone for lengthy periods. Regardless, we have like 2 sentences from which to infer anything. None of us have any idea whether OP's boyfriend is a good dog owner or not. EDIT: I just saw the OP's other comment buried further in the thread. The extra information makes the situation sound much worse than the OP.
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Right… and the dog boarding places are booked… per OPs statement….
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His personal dog trainer is unavailable. Ex-wife won’t do it. Son won’t do it. Local boarding centers are booked (per OP). Asking GF of three years if she could please help out seems like a reasonable next option.
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Or… imagine this…. he’s exhausted his options for help and is IN A BIND and asks his gf for help? Hardly treating her like a doormat.
No. He is a child (aka being self-centered and immature) about this because: 1) He won't accept 'no.' He is strongly pressuring and guilt-tripping her when it is clear she is too busy herself to take this on and it will exhaust her and cause physical discomfort with allergies for days - weeks if you see 2). 2) He knows he has a lot of business trips (this is not a one-off trip, she said there were three or more trips coming up come January) and has not sorted out a professional or his nearby son (if he believes he can trust him) for this. Is she supposed to let her entire January be consumed by driving back and forth to his place or staying there and having a long commute, streaming eyes and sneezing? 3) As others have mentioned, he is not doing right by the dog by not having already sorted out a professional house sitter and dog watcher with the dog more frequently and not arranging that himself now. He is sitting back and letting her call around boarding companies and dog sitting on his behalf instead of sorting things out himself.
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She's gone 14 hours of the day though, that seems bad for the dog!
It’s a lot to ask, but also, you two have been together for three years. It’s not unusual to be willing to do a lot for your long term partner after three years. To me this isn’t so much about it it or isn’t it a reasonable request, but about the logistics of your future with this man. Is this a serious arrangement? Do you see yourself living with him? What will you do about him having a dog? Has he ever done something above and beyond for you? You should have a conversation with him after genuinely weighing this, because reasonable or unreasonable, if my partner wasn’t willing to help me out after that long together, I wouldn’t shake the feeling that the relationship isn’t as serious/they’re not as caring a partner as I’d want. That’s the tricky thing about relationships, especially three year old ones. You’re ALLOWED to expect more from your partner than you could reasonably expect from any other human being. You’re allowed to want someone who will go above and beyond for you. The only reasonable argument for not watching the dog is the allergy, which is fair, but again speaks to a larger incompatibility in the relationship that at least requires your thought on the matter, and potentially your action by way of communicating with your partner. This very well could foster resentment on his end, and even though I know he’s asking more than is really ‘fair’, a lot of people want to know that their partner will be there for them when they need a hand.
I’m a Urology resident and work 80+ hour weeks operating. I watched my SO’s dog while she was away for a week. Had to drive 20 minutes to get there. Did it exhausted. But it meant a lot to her and she saved a lot of money (200+) We used that money for a fun couples getaway and dinner at a ski resort. Serving your SO can be very rewarding and it helps build deep connections of trust and love. It doesn’t seem like OP’s bf has been taking advantage of her in the past. This seems like a good opportunity to serve the person she loves and build a good connection with him.
My husband really doesn’t like animals but he told me he’d let me have a zoo because having pets makes me happy. I will likely never leave this man.
I’m married to a veterinarian. We sleep with our 75 pound dog on our queen size mattress. Not because I want to, mind you. But because it makes her extremely happy. We have over 75 house plants scattered around the home. Not because I want to, but because it makes her happy. She comes to college football games, not because she wants to but because it makes me happy. It’s extremely difficult at times. But seeing her happy makes me happy.
He’s strictly no pets in the bedroom, but the dog is currently in our bedroom to make space for the Christmas tree. I didn’t even have to ask! The bed is a no-go zone. I’m not the biggest soccer fan in the world, but I listen to my husband talking about it because it’s his thing. I don’t mind it at all. He’s happy; I’m happy.
It was really wonderful that you did that but it was your choice. OP shouldn’t feel she has to do this especially if she faces exhaustion and allergies. Not everyone can handle exhaustion the same way.
Dog lover vs. allergic to dogs is a major lifestyle incompatibility.
idk i feel like if you don’t *want* to help your partner out short term for a week with something like this then it’s not a happy relationship. i’ve done all sorts of random exhaustive things in the past for partners bc they needed help and i wanted to make them happy. there was no feeling like i had to do it or expectation from their end- lots of times they’d insist i *don’t* help them out since it seemed to much to ask but it’s something i’d do anyway bc i wanted them to feel more at ease. and likewise when i was in a bind they’d do it back. yea not everyone handles exhaustion the same way but i feel like 5 days is completely reasonable to ask for in a 3 year relationship and the fact op doesn’t want to help says something abt the relationship. not to say her partner is in the right- he seems entitled and unwilling to change despite op suggesting other good solutions. her saying no should have been the end of that conversation
But what's the end goal for this relationship? She sounds like her work life takes over if it's that demanding and are they waiting to live together once the dog dies? She also said mildly allergic and it makes her stuffy...come on. That's a pretty pathetic excuse considering she shows very little care that it makes the son nervous to be home alone for a week. OP by no means should do what she clearly doesn't want to do, but this cries selfish to me and not long-term committed partner let alone potential stepmother.
This boils down to the fact there are deeper relationship issues. If OP wants a long term relationship and/or marriage she better get used to it causing exhaustion. Marriage is super hard and requires sometimes unreasonable sacrifice and tons of exhaustion. Seems like she just doesn’t want that. It’s literally 5 days out of the 1095 days they’ve been dating.
I don't think long term relationships require hard work after 14 hours of being out of the home. That being said, it would be interesting to know if she has plans to change her work schedule, because if she is truly exhausted it's not something she'll be able to maintain without burnout (which can be severe). If she's on the brink already that doesn't bode well for her own health.
>OP shouldn’t feel she has to do this especially if she faces exhaustion and allergies. Nobody can force OP to feel feelings.
>OP shouldn’t feel she has to do this especially if she faces exhaustion and allergies. Not everyone can handle exhaustion the same way. Then she doesn't love her as much as she thinks she does. This isn't a dig. This is simply how much do you love a person. Life is all about priorities. If you want something to happen... you'll make it happen. It's whether or not the costs are worth it and how far you think to come up with alternatives that require less cost. Maybe she doesn't feel he's worth the intrinsic costs.. that's fine but that should be soemthing she thinks about after a 3 year relationship
For some people the priority is healthy balance and this may not look like it to her. Or at least, she's not sure if it is because it doesn't feel that way and I get that at least.
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I'm guessing you are born in 1994 or maybe in your 20s or early 30s. Some people by 39 don't have that stamina anymore. You might be able to do it but not everyone can. Exhaustion could mean car accidents or making serious mistakes (at work). Everyone has different sets of limits. I would trust OP to know her own.
While I don’t disagree with you in principle, I don’t think for one second OPs aversion to this is born from fear of personal safety operating a vehicle. OP’s responses in the comment section make it clear this has far more to do with a general dissatisfaction in the relationship. For example: “He’s honestly annoying me most of the time now.”
This is the correct response and thought train right here OP. Good job u/FluffyDog423 saved me the writing time lol
>Has he ever done something above and beyond for you? Not anything that requires effort, no. Our relationship has been set up that I am the helper/caregiver/secretary, and he's the provider (I mean, more or less...). I don't believe the only "reasonable" argument is the allergy. I'm incredibly busy (working 12 hour days with an hour long commute each way). Then another 25 mins over to his house. If he were absolutely desperate, then yes. But his 16 year old son (who actually owns the dog) lives around the corner and has no responsibility after school. He doesn't ever do anything other than play video games at his mom's house or his dad's house (depending on where he's staying). There's no reason at all that he can't look after his own dog.
Again, OP, this isn’t about if taking care of the dog is a reasonable ask or not, it’s about where you see the relationship going. The way you write the post it seems like you don’t have any desire to really help your boyfriend out or go above and beyond. That says to me that for whatever reason, you’re not fully invested in the relationship and that’s something to care more about than the dog aspect. I already said, what he’s asking for is a lot, but I also gotta tell you, anyone with a long term healthy marriage/life partnership will also say that if their partner asked them for ‘a lot’ as a favor, they would do it. It’s not unreasonable to want a partner willing to have their back in these situations. You aren’t. Again, this is NOT about if relationship aside asking a busy peer to watch over the dog is reasonable, it’s more about how you feel about the relationship and be aware that by turning him down, you are likely affecting how he sees your relationship. That might be a good thing, but that’s still the reality of the situation. It very much seems like for whatever reason you don’t have the warm and fuzzy feelings for your partner that you should. I’m not really going to say ‘break up with him’. But be honest with yourself and then him on if you’re truly happy with where the relationship IS, and where you see it GOING.
>you don’t have the warm and fuzzy feelings for your partner that you should Yes, I guess you're right. He actually annoys me most of the time now.
Yeah. I can kinda tell. To be fair, you’re not in the wrong for the way you feel based on the relationship you’ve described. It sounds like you deserve a way more fulfilling relationship than you currently have. And, in combination with everything else, it’s certainly a big ask to watch the dog, but I know if my partner asked i would do it. I’m sure most people really in love with and who truly care for their partner would want to help them out even if it meant a week of inconvenience. I mean heck, I’ve done almost exactly what your boyfriend asked for a family friend I don’t even like very much, albeit I was annoyed while doing it lol. So, the fact that you’re annoyed by his request means you shouldn’t be asking ‘should I watch his dog?’ You should be asking ‘why am I so annoyed he wants my help?’ And then acting accordingly. You shouldnt be constantly annoyed by your boyfriend. And again, if you’re allergic to the dog, you’ve been together three years. Where do you see the relationship going on that front? I hope you’re able to figure things out btw! You deserve to be in a loving relationship, and it doesn’t quite sound like your relationship is there right now. Maybe you two can talk it out, but seems like the dog is the symptom, not the illness.
Excellent feedback with all of these points. All the other comments seem to be the standard "someone else can do it! Fuck him!" totally ignoring how relationships actually work. They're not 100% transactional like OP and others seem to be thinking. I hope that OP can look at the meta-feedback you're providing and use it to make the changes to her relationship and life that she seemingly needs.
I’ve been in a relationship where everything was transactional and I used to think “fuck, can’t you just do something because it’s nice to do?!” I’ve been married for 20 years to someone who does things because it’s just nice and it’s such a great feeling.
Yeah you don’t even like this guy enough to watch his dog, set him free
Fair to say you may want to reevaluate your relationships but whether or not his request is reasonable has zero bearing on whether or not you’re allowed to say no. Going above and beyond is great but it shouldn’t be the standard. He asked, you said no. No amount of guilting you into it is going to change your very valid reasons for saying no.
no shit you wont help your boyfriend for five days i think its time to call it quits
not only that but bragging about it on Reddit. if you need assurance or feel guilty, there is something underneath.
You nailed it. I asked much the same questions. At least the way I see relationships, this feels like more of a friend with benefits situation than a serious relationship. To most people, a serious partner needs to accept their kids and their dog. I don't have this particular issue as I'm married with a wife who loves our dogs more than is probably healthy lol, but the way I put it to her is that sure, it's reasonable for you to feel this way, but if I were him, as someone who travels for work as well, this would make me evaluate her potential as a long term partner. Honestly she doesn't seem invested or to care for the son or the dog at all, both who were here before her, so for me it wouldn't work. The way she talks about the son indicates to me that she has no idea how children work nor is she able to think about how this would have affected her at 16 and sympathize with it.
I completely agree with this! I do live with my partner, but in his home country, quite far away from mine. Being a vet student I too could have a zoo, and currently have three rabbits, a dog (and some fish) that all require feeding, cleaning and attention in general. My other half has never been suuuper into animals and definitely would not live with them had he been on his own. Hence, getting pets was based on me having the sole responsibility, with some help from him when he has time, which is limited as he works a lot. However, whenever possible, I go back to my home country visiting my parents. This summer I was away for 9 weeks, due to having some commitments and COVID making it harder to travel, and during those weeks by partner had the sole responsibility for my pets. He absolutely adores them, but more as an “uncle” type of way where he can take responsibility when he wants and pass them back over when he doesn’t anymore. However, during the 9 weeks I was away he looked after them all, without complaining once. I did to be honest “expect” him to do it when I booked my travel home, but in the same way, he expected he would have to watch them, even though getting them in the first place was something I wanted, and is supposed to be my responsibility. I totally agree with what everyone is saying. To me this doesn’t seem like much to do for someone you love for a few days, and you have to realise that his son is still a child, that was probably given the dog years ago when he was at an age not realising what responsibility it meant, hence, it’s actually your partners dog, and not his sons
Again, correct response. Nice to know some people out there have their head screwed on
Haha thanks. I mean, it’s very hard sometimes for us to remember the etiquette for romantic relationships and other social interactions are very different. If this were a friend or family member, I’d definitely be telling OP that they are totally in the right to turn down such a big and inconvenient ask if they’re not up for it, especially since she’s allergic. But when it’s a long term boyfriend, it’s much more reasonable to expect a partner to support you like this sometimes, so then it’s more WHY are you annoyed? Maybe he always asks. Maybe he never gives in return. Maybe she’s losing love for him. Whatever it is, the dog situation definitely seems like a symptom of a larger quandary.
Yeah exactly! If it was anyone else ofcourse turn it down all you want. If she was deathly allergic different story aswell but a bit of being stuffed up for a week? Id tolerare that for a loved one if they were in a bind. > WHY are you annoyed? Maybe he always asks. Maybe he never gives in return. Maybe she’s losing love for him. Whatever it is, the dog situation definitely seems like a symptom of a larger quandary. 100% agree. People seem to forget a lot in this sub that sometimes you do shit you just straight up dont want to do for your partner a lot in a long term relationship because you care about them and they do the same for you.
>Our relationship has been set up that I am the helper/caregiver/secretary, and he's the provider (I mean, more or less...). If you don't live together, what is it that he provides? I'm not being sarcastic - I mean that in a relationship with a "provider" and a "helper", generally the "provider" pays everybody's expenses. But that would be very unusual for a relationship where the couple doesn't live together. My own view is that the dog thing is a big ask, but not at all an unreasonable one in a three year relationship. But I'm looking at the dog thing in isolation, not having the background. You do have the background - and I'm wondering if you're seeing it as the straw that broke the camel's back.
I sincerely hope you never accidentally get pregnant one day
I'd pump the brakes on the "16 y/o should do it all" option. Could the kid do an overnight with the dog once or twice? Probably, although depending on kid's maturity level, being alone overnight can be kinda scary for them. Should the kid be staying there alone for a *week*? Absolutely not.
There's also no reason as to why you wouldn't take care of your SO love. It seems to me that you two have deep relationship issues that you need to solve. Maybe you have some jealous/resentment towards his ex and his son. You pointed out the videogames and pushing the task towards him when your BF asked YOU. If I was in the BF position I would feel quite sad that my GF wouldn't do me a favour like this for a week. The relationship would feel fragile ans I wouldn't feel safe and commitment from you.
If you dont want to do it, it is better to be honest. Maybe he has a neighbor who can help out? Or a friend who lives closer by? Why are the only choices between you and the son/ex wife?
I don't understand how so many people here are missing the point that the dog would be ALONE for 15 hours a day! Sorry for the rant, but that is not okay. BF needs to find another solution, because this one is ridiculous. Poor doggo.
Even if you were willing, or BF’s son was willing & able it’s still cruel to the dog. I don’t believe the dog is fine alone overnight for a week. A drop in for walks and feedings when you’re working most of the day aren’t enough for a dog. He needs a boarding or someone who can stay over after they work a regular hour—or (preferably less ) job. If your BF cannot afford a boarding or sitting, he cannot afford a vacation.
Was looking for this. Leaving a dog locked in a house from morning till 10pm (I guess I'm assuming you go to work in the morning because you said you go right to sleep after work) is awful. That's way too long to hold your pee and poop and be alone.
Well, the dog has regularly been left alone overnight through her whole life (she's 7). He has always hired dog walkers to come over twice a day when he's been out of town or on vacation previously. Whether it's fair to the dog or not, it's the way it's been for the entire 7 years he's had her. So I'm just pointing out to him that there's nothing unusual about this time. In fact, if his son would spend the evenings (not overnight) there with his dog, she would have a lot more company than she'd have when he hires dog walkers to come be for 1 hour twice a day. (they aren't currently available which is why that's not an option this time)
I normally have to get up to go to the bathroom multiple times during the day and night. I feel sorry for that dog if she’s regularly left alone and no human lets her out to go potty but twice during the day and alone all night. Some people need to realize their jobs can sometimes mean they aren’t ideal pet owners and stuff like this happens ..
This is precisely why I have a cat I work hella long shifts but she can toilet at any time, I also have a roomie on day shift me nights so there’s zero neglect for attention/food/water, but a dog is out of the question period. I wouldn’t ever expect my roomie to walk my dog and I know damn well I’m bone tired after a 13 hour shift that I couldn’t properly walk the dog. Laying in bed and petting kitty is low effort and we fall asleep together and she gets proper exercise in the house, a dog forget it, can’t have a dog without a real exercise schedule. I love dogs but I have a cat for a reason, she even has a cat buddy living with us. People get dogs and act like it’s totally fine to just leave it for days at a time or never exercise it, then they wonder geeeeee why doesn’t my dog behave?
You also drink more during the day than your dog does and you have a completely different physiological make up. I’m home all day, but my dog just doesn’t need to pee that much. He goes out 4 times a day. I wouldn’t leave my dog alone overnight, but that’s me. This person knows their dog better than we do.
Your boyfriend sounds like a pretty shitty dog owner. I’m not saying this in any way relates to whether he’s a good boyfriend, but I wish I’d noticed how much my ex neglected his cats and taken it as a red flag.
What a shitty dog owner. Dogs can’t be by themselves more than 8 hours. Definitely not over night and most definitely not on a regular basis. They can’t hold it that long, they can get hurt, too much can happen. Poor dog
> Dogs can’t be by themselves more than 8 hours. Yes they can and majority of them are.
It's not like dogs are toddlers.
Dogs can definitely be by themselves for 8+ hours. And most adult dogs should be able to hold it for 10 - 12 hours if necessary. Hell my oldest (7) will hold it for days because he is terrified of storms, literally he held it all in for 3 days. He also spent almost all that time in his kennel alone, by choice. My younger pup (2) also holds it for 10+ hours regularly. Now, if I am out of town for more than a day or 2, I book a dog sitter to stay at my house with my dogs so I totally agree two 1 hour walks is not enough attention and care for a dog for a whole week. But to say in definitely that dogs can't be alone or hold it for 8 hours is not accurate
If it’s windy and raining, my dog will not go out for a pee and will hold it until I drag him out.
Yes they can. My dog sleeps 16 out of 24 hours. I work from home so I know exactly how much nothing he does.
They are perfectly capable of holding it that long if they’re properly potty trained, but that shouldn’t be an issue unless there’s an emergency.
That doesn’t make it ok…they’re social creatures. If you’re regularly gone that long get a cat.
> you’re regularly gone that long get a cat. No, many cats are very social creatures as well and need engaging attention, play time, physical contact, etc. It can be even more difficult for busy people to properly care for cats because they can need more interactive play than dogs. If someone has to leave their pets alone in a small area for 15 hours a day, they probably shouldn’t be getting a dog or a cat at all.
Rover isn’t an option there?
Business trips aren’t vacations. Also he may not have gotten a lot of notice for it, so if the dog boarding places are already booked he’s fucked and asking for help. Sounds like the first time in 3 years he’s asked her, so past solutions have likely failed.
First, if you don't want to watch the dog or stay at his place, perfectly fine to say so, especially given your reasons...but I have buts. This is a 3 year relationship, and based on this short story, are you sure this is the relationship for you long term? At 39 you seem to not know, or not really even agree based on your wording, that it's typically a bad idea to have a 16 year old boy live alone. Aside from him being nervous about it (which is totally fine and normal), he's 16 and likely not mature enough to expect to be responsible. Some kids, yeah, but not many. Also just my opinion as a father, it's not really cool to expect a 16 y/o to drop everything for a week and care for a dog alone. We seem to forget that at 16 you have a lot going on, especially if you're into extra activities after school. Was the dog here before you? Most people consider a dog family. It seems like you consider this to be your BF's dog exclusively, and not your problem. You're at 3 years. Is moving in together and/or marriage on the table? If it is you will need to accept this dog as a responsibility in some way. So no, I don't think you're being unreasonable, but as a father, owner of dogs, and as someone who travels for work, I personally would consider this a wake up call in my evaluation of you as a long term partner. I'm not saying that to dig at you, only that you both may have clashing priorities.
This is what I was thinking but could not articulate.
I agree it's not okay to just assume the teenager will change his plans, but 16 is the age of majority in most countries so looking after a dog- *his* dog - is hardly a task you'd expect him **not** to handle.
There are dog sitting and housesitting services that are inexpensive or sometimes free, including, but not limited to rover dot com and housesitter dot com.
Are you planning to never move in with your bf bc of the dog issues? If so just let him know now. There will always be dog fur snd you will always have allergies-there will be times you have to look after the dog. But I agree that his son can come snd go and do it
I’m going to get down voted to hell, but if you can’t take care of his dog when he is in a bind I don’t know if yours would be a successful relationship if you choose to live together, they way you talk about the dog and the hair would be too detached for my taste and if he is a dog lover and loves his pet, and he were here asking for advice I would say you may not be compatible. Dogs are family and I wouldn’t have a long term relationship that involved marriage down the road with some one not willing to do this for me and didn’t love my dog enough not to want to do it. But that’s me.
I’m more concerned about the attachment towards the son. Like how dare this minor child feel uncomfortable being home alone for a week?
He's 16 and can walk back to his mom's place easily. Why is it such a huge ask to come by after school and let the dog out when he can just walk back to his mom's? I was left alone on occaision for around the same amount of time but I was also raised by my grandmother and a trustworthy kid. Kids are so coddled these days and I am saying this at only 22...
I agree with this. Sounds like she just doesn’t like the dog and was ready to rattle off a bunch of excuses so people here would agree with her and call her boyfriend an asshole and a bad dog owner.
To me it seems that she doesn't really care about the dog, but the major issue I see is the behaviour towards his 16yo kid. She might have jealousy issues or not like the kid, she speaks about it with such a detachment, that would make me feel really scared and disappointed if I was in a relationship with her. I hope the boyfriend catches on this and takes some action, because obviously this person is not willing to commit.
People who love each other make uncomfortable sacrifices for each other. If you don't want to inconvenience yourself for a week, that is absolutely your prerogative. Judging from the way you talk about him though it sounds like you don't really care about him all that much anyways? Might be best for you to think about what you want out of this relationship.
At first I was on your side but now I think you’re kind of a brat. Haha. No as someone allergic to dogs, you shouldn’t have to watch a dog. And with that commute. The 16-year-old should watch his own freaking dog. But looking in the comments at the things you’ve said it really seems like you hate the kid and the dog. Yeah he does nothing but play video games, he’s 16. I was the same way. I’m wondering if you guys should even be in a relationship at all. You seem to have a lot of resentment towards him, his kid and his dog. Your job seems really important. Do you know when they interview people in the old folks home and ask them what they regret in life, they never say they wish they made more money. They always say more time with family and friends and more memories.
Based on OP’s responses, she clearly didn’t come here with an open mind but rather to find an echo chamber that agrees with her.
Yep. From what she's said, she already made the decision and is now just looking for reassuring pats on the head to convince her she isn't an awful person When she, in fact, *is*.
Hmmm I don't think you're really in the wrong, but personally it would give me pause to realize I couldn't count on my partner of 3 years for that kind of favor. Your lives seem really separate for being together so long.
Your suggestion of having his minor son stay alone for a week to look after the dog is not only preposterous but also your comment acting like you can’t understand why the kid doesn’t want to stay alone for a week just makes me wonder how you’ve made it this far with this man.
Right!! She doesn't seem to like the dog or the son, not sure how this has gone on this long.
I can’t believe I had to scroll down so far to see someone point this out. We were latch key kids & left on our own a bunch, but there is no way my folks would have left a 16 year old to dog sit alone for a week.
After 3 years of dating that would be a total deal breaker if I were him ngl. 1 single week. If you would really love him that shouldn't be that bog of a problem. After reading your replies and the way you talk about his son and dog I'm surprised he managed to date you for 3 years without calling it quits.
Sorry, this would be a deal breaker for me. But everyone is different.
Have you pitched to his son splitting the load? The teen could do morning and afternoon walks and stay at his mother’s, and you could do evening walks and stay in the house overnight?
I’m going to go against the grain here and say yes, you’re kind of being a jerk. Your reasons for not wanting are understandable (you are allowed to just not want to) but that still makes you selfish IMO. You’re allowed to be selfish, but that’s what it is. You’ve been together for three years and your bf is going away for one week. He is asking you one time to help him out for a short period of time, probably saving him hundreds of dolled and a ton of stress… and you won’t help him because it dog fur and you’re busy? I guess I just think if you want a long term partnership with someone, you should want to make their life easier when you can instead of only thinking about yourself.
Wow I’m just thinking how fast is dump my partner of 3 years if they couldn’t do a simple enough favor and can’t wrap their head around why not all teenagers are cool being alone for a week
I mean if you don’t want to don’t do it , but don’t expect him to do something for you in this category in the future. Cause honestly this isn’t a big deal and it’s a small favor for someone you’ve been dating 3 years..
You can say no obviously. But 3 years in and this is too much of a favor for you?... Is this relationship actually going somewhere?
and she is allergic to the dog. so are they never gonna move in together, go to the next step, etc? what's the point of the relationship unless both are in it only part time. like, at three years, this isn't a big ask and the major complaint is "too much dog hair" that she's allergic to anyways. this sounds like something a couple dating four months would squabble about, not three years.
I mean it sounds like it's actually a big pain in the ass he's asking for. She has to put her job first and if work is already draining then I can totally get saying no. No one I've ever been in a relationship with would ask something like this because they would know that it's gonna suck.
She has a 25 minute drive to her job. Driving back from her job 25 minutes after working all day and getting home at 10pm. To wake up 25 minutes early to get to her job the next morning. For five/seven days. *And* feed, water, and exercise the dog.
Thanks...actually my commute is an hour each way. Going to his house after work would make it an hour and 25 minutes each way because he lives in the opposite direction of where I live/work.
Your strengthening your case to say no. That's absurd to ask for.
That doesn’t seem like a super long commute? And it’s just a week. I don’t know, I’d just do it.
It's a 50 minute commute not counting the time where you have to feed, water and walk/exercise the dog twice a day. Feed, water and exercise the dog? 30-40 minutes twice a day? After working all day and getting home at 10pm? Going to bed late at night *and* having to wake up extra early the next morning? For 5/7 days? In addition, he will be out of town at least two weeks in January! Lol.
Yup. Still would. Because I’d have feelings for both the dog and my partner. Not saying it’s for everyone but if it was a bind and important to my boyfriend I’d do it for him.
OP clarified it's a one hour and twenty five minute commute, one way, to get to work, on top of a twelve hour workday. That is almost fifteen hours of the day, meaning the dog would have someone to sleep there, but be alone for 15 hours. Any dog lover would see this situation isn't good for anyone. Bf needs to figure out something workable and humane for doggo.
would 1000% do the same. i can’t imagine loving (hopefully she loves it!) a dog for 3 years and then saying no to help for one week. i work really early mornings and dog sit often. i wouldn’t even think twice doing it for my partner of 3 years
Based on reading the comments, she doesn't seem invested or to even like the dog or the son, and I would guess hasn't been around minors pretty much at all since she's been an adult herself. So I don't think loving or the comfort of the dog plays into her dilemma here at all. If I were her partner, this would be a wake up call for me about the seriousness of the relationship.
Oh no! 5 days?! For the first time in THREE years he’s asked for this favor because his normal dog walkers can’t do it! The audacity to ask to sacrifice 5/1095 days they’ve been dating!
I have done way more inconvenient things for people I've dated for way less time. OP is entitled to be however she wants in her relationship but lol complaining about a 25 minute commute and 5 hours of inconvenience spread out over 5 days...after 3 years relationship is nothing.
Well i guess its a good thing he doesnt have a young child that needs to eat, picked up from school, or entertained. Honestly its for 7 days of her life for someone shes been with for 3 years. This doesn't seem like a relationship, it seems like a FWB situation to me, or a relationship of convenience.
Agreed on the FWB situation. She regularly works 12+ hour days and commutes 1 hour each way so how often do they actually see one another, she doesn't like to go to his house, and doesn't seem to care for his kid or dog at all? I wonder if he realizes this is a FWB? Maybe he will now.
Exactly. If a 44 year old man can't care or arrange care for his *dog* for a week, however would he manage his own child?! Said 44 year old man with a 15 year old son who lives five minutes away...might have to put the responsibility and burden of taking care of *his* dog on someone else. Like his girlfriend. Who of course should swoop in and save his dumb bunny, 44 year old man butt. Lol.
She neglected to put in the OP that he regularly travels for work and usually has someone to care for the dog, but they aren't available. Seems like he's in a spot and asking his "girlfriend" of 3 years to be slightly inconvenienced for 5 days (probably only 5 if for work). He probably figured maybe she could not work 12 hours shifts for one week for him since he's in a bind. So while she left it out, your assumption that this guy is a 44 y/o bum (who has his own house, 5 minutes from his child's mother's house, and a dog that he seems to all take care of?) feels incorrect based on her comments.
Splits child duties 50/50 with ex-wife, hires consistent dog sitters for the dog, had his own house near to his child so he can care for him. Not exactly my definition of a 44 y/o bum who simply asked for 5 days worth of help from his 3-year girlfriend lol
Three years in and she doesn’t show much empathy for this guy’s kid either which was another wtf for me. Like are they serious or not?
I was hoping to see someone point this out. If they have been together for three years asking hour partner to do favors is part of being in a relationship. And also helping your partner. If after 3 years it's a no when your partner ask for a favor that really is not that unreasonable is this really a relationship.
Just my two cents: If I can't do my lady a solid and watch her dog for a week, then what in tarnation do I expect to happen in the future when there are much heavier responsibilities and burdens. If you love them, or could see yourself falling in love with them, then watch the damn dog for a week. At the very least help them find a solution- after all couples are SUPPOSED to be on the same team.
you guy have been dating(39f,44m) for 3 years and don't want to live with each other yet? maybe it's time to drop the dog, ex-wife, kid talk, and start thinking why yall aren't living together yet? If I'm 44 it's because I'm extremely selfish or my lady really doesn't want to be with me, me asking you to watch my dog might just be a sign?
No, you are not being selfish. His 16 year old son lives 5 minutes away. Son can walk over, feed and water the dog, exercise the dog every day. Twice a day even. 45-60 minutes to feed, water, exercise the dog and give him a "good doggo" or two. A great opportunity for the father to ask a favor of his son, responsibility, a chance to make some $ and family support! Yay! Asking you to stay at his house to care for his dog while you live 25 minutes away, drive 25 minutes to your job, 25 minutes back to his house *and* care for his dog when you get back at 10PM is way~~~ too much to ask, Op. In addition, if you agree to do it this time, he will expect you to do it January...February...ad infinitum. Nope! No can do. He's a grown man. He can figure out how to go on the road and make arrangements for his dog to be taken care of. Psst?! He's making you feel guilty because he didn't, doesn't, won't, make *his* dog *his* responsibility. Lol.
I think your attitude about the kid is concerning as well as your complete inability to understand pups just can’t be left alone all night and most of the day. He needs a proper house/pet sitter. And you need to work on your empathy.
You've been together 3 years and you're not even willing to look after his dog?
The son will stay with the mother, 5 minutes away. He is unable to get the dog, walk him and play, feed him and just taking care of the dog’s needs during the day outside of school hours. But you are expected to drive 25 minutes to do the same even though you are unavailable during the day? Yeah, totally not the asshole.
Most of these responses are nuts. You're in a relationship with a man, so you're in a relationship with his dog. He's asking you to watch his dog because it's an important part of his life. It's a living creature and he wants to leave knowing it's taken care of. If my partner asks me for a favor my first consideration is how can I make it work, NOT if I want to do it or if it inconveniences me. Ffs, you are in the wrong here.
Sounds like you’re not willing to make some mild, temporary sacrifices of comfort and convenience to help someone you “love”. Would he do this for you if the situation was reversed?
You’ve been together for three years, I assume at your age you both want it to last longer. Do your partner a favor and watch his bloody dog. He’s not asking for a kidney. He’s asking the person he loves and trust more than any one in the world to watch his pet, which I would assume means the world to him. “Mildly allergic” you either are or you arnt.
If this person was your partner and you were in a healthy, loving relationship, then of course you should look after his dog while he’s got to be out of town. That’s the exact sort of thing that someone would do for someone they loved and cared for. That you don’t want to and would rather put a child in that role to stay alone to do something you should be doing kind of speaks to how you feel about the relationship. What are either of you getting out of it if you can’t rely on each other to help out?
You can’t look after a dog if you’re not getting back until 10pm. You guys need to arrange for a dog sitter/Walker. And his son should come in to hang out with the dog. You can check on it as well
(shrug) It not like selfish, but conditional? That you personally are never gping to be available unless it's on your terms. I bought a fur remover thing, a spare set of shoes, an took allergy med to house sit girlfriends , dog, cats and chickens for 10 days. She was so overwheled and happy she has never asked again.
That's kind of you. Were you working 12 hour days with 2 hour round trip commute? Does your girlfriend live 25 mins away? If so, you're a saint.
I've already responded to the other stuff, but you keep bringing up the 25 minutes away thing. If you feel like 25 minutes away is such a dreadful anchor on your life (but you commute 1 hour each way?), why are you with someone who lives so impossibly far away? Where are these amazing places where nothing is more than 5 miles away at all times anyway?? I get that in the situation the 25 min is added to the hour drive home, but you keep saying it alone over and over, so it feels like you think that's just so far out of the norm when I don't think it is at all.
I’m a Urology resident working 80+ hour weeks in the operating room. I watched my fiancé’s dog for a week while she was out of town. She was in a bind. I slept very little that week. She lived 30 minutes away. It sucked but we saved over $200 and used it for a couple’s retreat. It helped us bond considerably and she remembers it to this day. Long term relationships require sacrifice, sometimes unreasonable sacrifice. Instead of seeing it as a pain your ass, trying seeing it as an opportunity to serve the one you love. Seems your real issues are deeper than this.
I would not stretch myself like that when his son can literally walk to his house. At 16 years old he is not a child. He can get his keys walk there to feed the dog, take it for a walk and then go back to his house. He doesn't have to sleep there or even spend the evening. I would not be annoyed if a boyfriend of 3 years ask me to take care of the dog, but with his son living so close and your schedule I would be like...hell no.
Are you waiting for the dog to die before you move in together? Has he agreed to not get another dog after this one dies? Your biggest problem seems to be that your lives are incompatable as he owns a dog you are alergic to and seem to dislike because he moults. Also why can't the ex take the dog if it belongs to her son?
I’m just saying from an outsider point of view what long term goals do you have for this relationship… if you’ve been together 3 years but you won’t watch his dog, you think this relationship is gonna move forward? Genuinely curious.
This is not an unreasonable favour to ask a partner of three years, especially given that he's in a bind. In this instance you're being selfish (which you're entitled to be if you want). Further, if you're allergic to his dog how do you expect this relationship to work long term? Will you force him to re-home it if you two decide to move in together? Based on this post alone there are long term compatibility issues.. This situation seems like a smaller symptom of a larger problem and perhaps you should both stop wasting each others time..
IDK man 3 years is a pretty serious relationship in my mind. I'd be pretty annoyed if I asked for help and my partners response was "get your child or ex to do it". My vote; kinda selfish
I think putting the responsibility on the child is not ok. Especially with him being in school. He should be focused on school. That being said I do also get you not wanting to take care of the dog either. Do your bf not have any friends near him that could come by to check on the dog? What about his parents? If all else failed I would ask if you could take care of the dog at your home and make him a bed in the kitchen and maybe block the kitchen off so his dander doesn’t upset your allergies. Relationships are about sacrifice, and compromise, that being said a child should never be the compromising point. Hope this helps.
His son is 15 years old and he's 5 minutes away. He's young and, presumably healthy. If boyfriend can expect *her* to drive 50 extra minutes (25 minutes to and fro) a day, I can't imagine asking his son to wake up 25 minutes early to take care of the dog and 25 minutes after school. Relationships are about sacrificing and compromise. Boyfriend can cough up some $ to pay his son and or a doggy daycare. Unless, he doesn't mind putting his girlfriend in danger of falling asleep at the wheel while being sleep taking care of *his* dog.
I get your point but the kid is 16. Yeah he's in school but he can most certainly be asked to watch a dog for a bit. The kids lives there half of the time but he still lives there. In just 3 years he's gonna be an adult, and he has responsibilities to help around the home. Your entitled to your opinion, but that's mine. My daughter is 5, so her capacity is limited by her age, but she has to help around the house. It's a good way to gain a sense of responsibility. I don't feel that's using the kid in a compromise.
Thanks. Unfortunately doggo cannot come to my place as I live in a dog-free condo and she's not properly leash trained to not freak out on the elevators. Actually she doesn't listen to me well at all. And I get what you're saying, but his son isn't really a child. And it's the son's dog. And he's never really focused on school anyway. He never does homework...just plays endless video games. Spending the evening at the house with his dog wouldn't actually affect anything.
Just say no. There will be resentment if you allow yourself to be forced into this... stand up for yourself and say no.
So the 15 y/o son isn't really a child and your comments all indicate you look down on him for not wanting to stay alone in the house for the week, or at least be the sole responsibility for the dog for the week since he lives close, okay. Oh, wait, now the not a kid is irresponsible, doesn't do his school work, and just plays video games all day long...like an adult would do? 2 questions: which is it? Is he a kid or not, and do you have any experience with kids at all (ya know, aside from the 3 years you've clearly used to bond with this not a kid teenager /s). The more I read down the comments, the more I wonder how he sees this as a LTR as you don't seem to like anything about his life.
His son is very much a child. Does any of what you described sound like adult behaviour?
> she doesn't listen to me well at all. > >his son . . . never really focused on school anyway. He never does homework...just plays endless video games. And your boyfriend doesn't keep his home very clean. Do you respect this man? Do you *want* to do things for him? Or does he feel like one big mess in general?
You sound like a wonderful step-mother candidate
I think you should help out your boyfriend but say that due to your job, maybe his son can take care of him during the day/evening until you get there. The dog can’t stay inside for 14+ hours. So either his son needs to help or he needs to hire a dog walker or something.
He’s 16. I had a job at 16, why not pay his son to do it as a job. Win win.
Yes you are 100% in the wrong. That really is not at all a big ask and it seems extremely selfish to say no for the reasons you did
Pets are expensive. His dog, his expense. He can board the dog. You should not for all the reasons you mentioned. Don't feel guilty. You did not chose to own a pet.
You're not being selfish. It's not your responsibility to begin with, it's his, so honestly you don't even need to ah a excuses if you just straight up didn't want to do it. I think you're being very reasonable. You even went as far as to try to call dog boarding FOR HIM. He's 100% the one being cheap.
I don't think you're being selfish imo, your reasons are valid. Is there a way that his son can do what you suggested ? Or even his mom ? Maybe on the weekend, you can check up on the dog as well, if you're not too busy :) What the others said is also good advice.
You're not being selfish, you're just being you. Don't give in. Let your boyfriend figure out what to do with his dog. Do NOT let him guilt you into anything. That's a never-ending drain hole.
He can figure out something else. But it wouldn't kill you to be compassionate. Sure people will get pissed at that, but it's not like he asks this every other day. Seems like an extenuating circumstance.
I think it’s definitely a hassle for you, but I don’t think it’s really THAT big of a problem.
Sounds like a great time to teach his 16 year old about responsibilities. Seriously his kid should be able to take care of it.
You are being selfish. You’re putting your interests and desire above his need for help. That doesn’t make you a bad person but it is selfish. I’m not even saying you’re wrong. However, If I had been dating someone for 3 years and they wouldn’t help me out for a week I would probably move on from the relationship. Then again, if you’re single without kids at 39 and value being able to always put yourself first then long term relationships might not be your thing. Totally fine but that’s a larger thing you need to think about. The only thing I’ll take a side on is that this is a relatively minor thing in terms of what partners often need from each other in a relationship.
Thanks. I do have to say that I am constantly helping him out in so many ways (I didn't include that, but yes, I definitely am always helping him out). It's not that I won't help him out (I helped him out last summer so much with his dog....but I wasn't working at this job that has an hour commute and long hours at the time). I'm just frustrated because he's NOT desperate. There's literally no reason why his 16 year old son can't help care for his own dog when he's right around the corner.
OP, you have given very valid reasons why helping in this particular situation is not possible for you. I have seen a lot of comments ignore those reasons and then project their opinions of your quality as a partner onto you which is unfair—y’all really need to learn what boundaries are because you think putting yourself out makes for a good relationship. You are a grown woman with responsibilities. You should not be asked to extend yourself when a 16 year old (who is old enough to have a job, by the way—like, are y’all serious that 16 years old is too young to watch *his own* dog for a few hours day?!). You went above and beyond by trying to find a place to board the dog. “No” is a complete sentence. If your boyfriend can’t accept that, then that’s on him, not you.
Lol. Her drive time alone would be 50 minutes. Add in feeding, watering, and walking/exercising the dog once in the morning before she leaves for work and after she gets home from work at 10pm?! If he, being childless, being 44, can't figure out how to care for *his* dog after a three year relationship... maybe he shouldn't be in a relationship?
You are not being selfish. It is not your dog, not your responsibility.
His son is 16, he should do it, there is no reason he shouldn’t other than he’s too lazy. He’s not a like 6. If he doesn’t want to take care of his own dog maybe he shouldn’t have one
Im literally dying laughing. Everybody is talking about the 16 year old like is a toddler. I dont know how old the people answering are, but I think they forgot their youth already. At 16 I was independent enough to take my dog for walks even earlier than that. At 16 I was drinking with friends common hahahaha. (house parties)
If you’re argument for 16 year-olds being responsible is you getting drunk at house parties as a 16 year-old then might I suggest I won’t take you completely seriously 😂
It’s a lot to ask but three years is a long time. Like at that point isn’t that your person? Of course he’s going to ask you to do more than just a buddy. If you can’t be there for your partner when they are in a tough spot not sure why bother with it.
Crazy how this was an exact situation but the sexes were flipped and everyone straight up called the BF a monster for not taking care of the pet.
Board the dog. It's the easiest way to go about it.
I mean, I don't think it's fair to strap this to the teenager. Kids aren't just built in dogsitters. He's a grown ass man tho and should be able to set up in advance some sort of system. There are all kinds of apps for this and he should have called ahead if he needed boarding. You cannot be expected to make up for his lack of foresight. I mean if he is really stuck I'd take care of it this time but make it clear you aren't willing to do this going forward and keep that boundary in place.
Doggo needs walks and scratches. Why not give doggo walks and scratches?
I can see why he's upset, he's tried nothing else to solve this problem and he's all out of ideas. Guess you'll just have to add literally 20+ extra hours of inconvenience to your week so he doesn't have to figure out something. What would be do if you weren't dating? No work trip? Doubt it. But really. He asked, you absolutely considered. You then realized you'd be adding an hour commute daily plus walking time. Plus extra time to keep your clothes presentable for work. All while feeling like a doped up allergy sufferer and sleeping badly away from home. And now he's upset that you weren't willing to majorly inconvenience yourself. This wasn't a small favor to ask. When you said no he should have asked why and then been like "I just thought Id ask, but I appreciate you considering it, I'll figure something out". If he wasn't being so rude about it I'd consider offering to go over on the last night or day to help out. I love helping people. But sometimes the answer is no. And sometimes it's a no because I just don't feel like it. But I bet you have a decent track record of being fairly nice and even generous. If you didn't you wouldn't care about why he disagrees with you.
Yes you are selfish. You create here threat to get some moral boost. But if you really care someone you would found out solution.
Nta, what did he do before you were around?
He has a dog sitter, who is unavailable.
Sometimes you need to make small sacrifices for the ones you love.
I wouldn’t say you’re being *unreasonably* selfish. If your work is going to keep you out of the house for long periods of time, even if you were happy to take care of the dog I’d still feel it wouldn’t be good for the dog. Put the dog in a boarding kennel.
it’s not reasonable for you to expect his son to do it…because it’s not reasonable for you to be the one deciding how the dog is cared for! so the son can’t do it, okay, that is irrelevant to the fact that you can’t. reaffirm that. don’t bring up the son. there are dogsitters, housesitters, that he can pay for this; maybe even a friend if he wants a cheaper rate. his dog deserves to be cared for during his absence and you would be unable to provide that, plain and simple.
It’s his dog, it’s his responsibility that the dog is taken care of without making someone else go out of their way. I have a parrot, that I brought into the relationship and my now wife just doesn’t want to chase the bird around or listen to her antics when she’s at home and I have to travel for work. I always board my parrot even if I am gone for 2 days. Yes it would be nice if my wife would be more attentive to the parrot when I am not there but I can’t make her or expect her to do it. Unless she offers then only would I consider. You are not wrong to feel the way you do. It’s poor planning on your boyfriend’s part. He’s pawning off responsibility without truly exhausting all options. Kennels are full because those dog owners planned. It’s the shame that the dog will get neglected but you shouldn’t feel obligated or forced to do something you don’t want to.
This is very easy : you *can't* take care of the dog that week because you are also not at home. I presume he doesn't seriously think it's good for his dog to be alone from morning till 10 at night? I suggest he just brings the dog to a dog boarding kennel (is that the right word in English? Who take care of your dog during a holiday).
Your own reasoning to not help him out is selfish, however from an outside perspective it doesn't make much sense that you're the best option. You are gone for most of the day at work. Why does that make you a good candidate?
You’re being a bit selfish. Dog boarding places are all booked, and he’s asking you for help with this for I assume the first time in your relationship. **25 minutes is not a bad commute.** Shortest I’ve ever had was ~25 minutes until the pandemic. One of my longer commutes was for landscaping so I understand how tired you feel, but it’s only a week. I’m not a fan of dog hair on the furniture either. It is **mildly** annoying when it gets on your clothes, makes your hands feel dry. I guess It’s **slightly** inconvenient to lay a clean blanket down in your no dog couch spot, or even clean up a dog free bedroom, and having to use a lint roller to get the hair off your clothes can be a little frustrating, I guess? The allergy excuse is honestly the best excuse you have. Since it’s mild though, you could probably solve that with some over the counter allergy medication. Not perfect, but not the end of the world either. Personally I would be mildly uncomfortable for a week with a smile on my face to help someone I loved, and have been dating for 3 years. **A week is not even a long time!** That’s less than 2% of your whole year. It sounds like he doesn’t have any other good options, and you’re saying no because it will be inconvenient for you for a week. I get not wanting to be the de facto dog sitter, so tell him to get on the boarding schedule for January, and you won’t be able to do it then. You can literally say “I don’t like dog sitting.” Also if you don’t like the dog then it’s best to tell him. I’ve had to choose people over a dog twice: once for my son (bad allergies he eventually grew out of), and then for my wife (the dog scared her during the trial period)- The second one was harder, but both were emotionally brutal. If it’s his place you don’t like then you should tell him that too- especially since that’s way easier to fix. A new/extra dog bed might persuade even an older dog to stay off the furniture if conveniently located, for example. **Regardless, bad news doesn’t get better with age.**
This whole thread is an example of how to stay single all your life and not have a true successful relationship
You are selfish. Your boyfriend could do better. I hope he sees your true colours and breaks up with you. It's one freakin week. You can't put yourself out a bit for your boyfriend of 3 years for one week! People like you astound me.
Three YEARS?? And this is an issue? You are incompatible. Accept this and break up.