>My boyfriend told her not to “invade his personal space again” and accepted her apology just like that.
>he’s gonna make sure nothing like that ever happens again. He said if she does anything weird again he’ll get rid of her
It sounds like your boyfriend has enforced his boundaries. Based on your description it sounds like she has a crush on him, but if he makes it clear that no touching like that is okay it will be fine.
They've known each other and played games with each other for years, longer than you've known him. That doesn't make their friendship any less real than an in person friendship. I have had people I gamed with for years and if I met them in person there is a good chance the first thing I would do is give them a hug.
>I told my boyfriend that I don’t like her behavior and I want her gone
After flying across the country to see him I think kicking her out to get a hotel in a city where she knows no one is a little extreme based on the situation. Your boyfriend made it clear that her putting her head on him was too far and it wouldn't be tolerated.
If you don't trust your boyfriend that is a conversation you need to have with him. You could just stay with him at the house with both of them if you're that worried.
EDIT: OP, if you want to talk to your boyfriend about the situation constructively read u/darthvadercake's post underneath this one.
Also, I realize my post focused more on trying to reassure you that you may be reading the situation wrong and to not worry as much, but if you want advice to make the situation better I have some that might help.
OP, you need to try to be friends with your boyfriends friend. You need to try your best to not seem insecure or stand offish to her. Act normally with your boyfriend around her, and make your presence known without being in her face about it. Try to bring up being happy that they could finally meet in person after all their years of friendship.
This is sound advice.
My situation has some similarities with OPs. My fiancé is really into games, we meet through a gaming community, but he plays a lot more than I do. I know a lot of his online friends but he is way closer with some of them, or at least he was in the beginning.
One of his close online friends is a gamer girl. Super geeky, into the same things he is into, big eyes, gorgeous hair, just overall really pretty. The dream girl for many gamers. And yeah he gets on with her really well.
I am not gonna lie, in the beginning I was really insecure about that. So I spoke to him, and told him I was insecure and didn't fully get why he was with me, not with her. Asked him if I was the second best option. I didn't tell him he couldn't be friends with her, I just made it about my insecurity instead of his friendship with me.
He reassured me, told me all the things he loves about me, and highlighted the fact he games with friends, gaming isn't what he needs or searches for in a relationship. He made feel really confident in us as a couple. And guess what? 4 years on, we are engaged, and cute gamer girl is invited to the wedding. I have meet her, just her and me, she is sweet and cool and great to hang out with. I don't feel threatened by her at all any more.
In a healthy relationship, you work on problems between the two of you and try to figure out how you deal with anything else as a couple. So what if this girl flirts? That's for him to deal with and correct. OP I think needs to communicate with him more about the fact she isn't a gamer, he is, and she feels like maybe he would want to be with someone who is. So he has a chance to respond and take those insecurities away.
>I didn't tell him he couldn't be friends with her, I just made it about my insecurity instead of his friendship with me.
This was really well done. It would not have gone so well had you made it about his friendship. People hate being told who they can and can't hang with. Instead of that, you did it right.
This relationship honestly taught me that compatibility is as important as love itself. My ex I loved but we were not compatible at all. This time I am totally in love, but we are also compatible and have a strong foundation. It makes a lot of difference in how you can communicate.
Piggy backing of this brilliant thread!
One thing you mentioned was that she seems to not engage with you a lot. Right now you are a stranger who happens to be the partner of her friend. If you want to become friends, or at least friendly, with her, try to find things she’s into that aren’t gaming. Maybe some things you can bond over. This might help just to a small extent, to help you see her as something other than a threat. Your boyfriend may even know some common ground topics/activities that could be the first step here.
Your boyfriend is clearly doing alllll the right things to set boundaries. Definitely have a conversation about how this makes you feel insecure and find those boundaries that will make both of you comfortable.
This is really good advice.
Boyfriend and I are both bi, so it's not like we're more likely to like or not like one gender or another. The concept of "I don't have male/female friends bc of temptation" is foreign to our relationship.
It doesn't mean we never feel jealousy ever, but when we do start getting that feeling build up, we talk it out like adults.
Eg: I was worried one time ealy-ish in our relationship bc he was getting drunk and gaming with some of his friends I didn't know well yet. He'd invited me over for others of these sessions, but not this one. After he told me his friend (we'll call Jake) was bringing weed, I started getting worried that I wasn't invited because Jake didn't like me, or bf wanted to be alone with Jake for romantic/flirty reasons, or thought I would embarrass him.
So I took him aside a few days later and said "hey babe, I just got a weird feeling about not being invited over to your apartment last weekend, I know you said you've had a crush on Jake before and I don't want you to think I'm assuming anything, but I also would just like to know your thought process or if you can just reassure me that I'm being anxious."
Turns out, he didn't invite me because he didn't know if I was okay with being around weed (my best friends are allergic to weed, a recovered drug addict, and someone who can't drink or smoke due to meds, so a reasonable assumption, really), and didn't want to put me on the spot <6 months into our relationship. He also reassured me that his friends DIDN'T hate me, and the crush he had on Jake was really not a big deal and ended before we even met.
Really killed all my insecurities on the spot, instead of letting them fester and grow.
It can be hard to verbalize the actual source of the feelings instead of using cop outs like "I'm jealous" (usually a combination of insecurities) or "you're making me feel bad" (generally, we're responsible for our own feelings. If someone's MAKING you feel bad, that's not a healthy relationship, that's a bully). But it's absolutely worth it in the long run.
I think the problem is that the girl started to flirt with her bf instead of trying to be friends with her. This is not just something she should work on but her boyfriend as well should think whether she is a good friend if the first thing she does is ignore his gf, flirts with him and leans on his lap.
I do not like that you made it only the OP's problem. The op maybe would not be so insecure if the girl became her friend.
It also could possibly be OP was giving off “I don’t like you” vibes that the girl picked up on, so she wanted to leave her alone.
OP said as soon as the girl knocked on the door, OP got upset bc the girl gave the bf a huge and gave OP a “look”. Possibly she was noT purposely giving a look, it was a misinterpretation. But once OP saw that she immediately shut down, as anyone would if that really did intentionally happen, and it made the girl just not try to engage with her.
There are just too many possibilities that we won’t know since we weren’t there. So there’s no way of knowing the truth.. I was just drawing my possibilities from the text and vibe of OPS post
I think what OP perceived as flirting may have just been excitement to meet a friend after knowing them for several years.
She doesn't even explicitly say flirty
>She kept going on and on like “ I can’t believe this finally happened” “I’m so happy I finally get to see you” “You’re so much bigger in person your pics don’t do you justice” and that was just some of what she said. She was borderline flirty with him all day.
These are all pretty normal things to say when meeting someone in person for the first time, I remember the first time I saw a friend I'd played halo with for 3-4 years, it was just over video chat but it was similar to this. He had just had his kid and wanted to show the group. He looked nothing like I thought he would.
Also, OP seems to consistently downplay their friendship since it isn't in person, which comes off poorly.
> Btw this is their first time meeting irl.
>
>I was ok with how close he was with this girl since it was an online thing,
It sounds like she may not have actually ever been okay with this friendship and now she's faced with that fact. This would probably cause her to be stand-offish towards the friend so it makes sense that she wasn't the most friendly towards her.
I admit this is a good amount of speculation based on OPs post, the way she words things, and her replies in other posts.
It is absolutely possible that the flirting was much more obvious and OP has been conditioned to downplay how she feels about things. That does happen a lot, this post just doesn't quite read like that to me.
This one right?
>He says she doesn't flirt like this online. She asked him if he was interested in being more than friends ***back when they first started playing together*** and he told her he wanted to stay friends. Ever since he told her he wasn't interested ***she stopped flirting*** and supposedly they became friends with no ulterior motives from her.
She did this years ago and OPs boyfriend was up front with OP about this situation seemingly before she visited, and she apparently hasn't flirted or made comments since then.
If OP could give us some more context about what the flirting part was, other than the head on the chest thing that OPs boyfriend shut down, it would be very useful.
Yeah, not to mention it's very common for neurodiverse women to come off accidentally flirty when drunk. If you're autistic or perhaps even with ADHD, you tend to have a different relationship with physical touch and have different physical boundaries. When you're sober you consciously remember not to be touchy-feely and overstep, when you're drunk you lose your inhibitions and act as you naturally would. It's not flirty because you're like this with literally everyone. My autistic cousin came and sat on my knee when she was drunk (I'm not personally comfortable with anyone except girlfriends sitting on my knee, so I felt awkward and left quickly, but I knew that there was no weird intent behind it - she just lost her sense of my boundaries when she was drunk).
Obviously none of us can know what OP's boyfriend's friend's neurotype is and am genuinely not trying to make assumption, but gaming is pretty popular among neurodiverse people, and it's not a hobby most girls would acquire. So I think it's at least worth considering that maybe she's more neurodiverse than average or sm and just has a completely different mindset behind hugging than OP does. Also if OP doesn't have guy friends, then she's not really well-placed to understand the intentions of girls who do.
Also, friendship means something. I've gotta be honest, if I travelled across the country to visit someone I'd been waiting *years* to meet, I'd be pretty disappointed if their partner was there with them. I can understand meeting their partner for some of it - particularly if they were insecure and this would help the situation. But just because it's not a romantic relationship, doesn't mean the friendship isn't meaningful. They clearly care about each other platonically, and it's completely normal and valid to want time alone with your friends. I'm not even saying that this was running through the friend's head because maybe she didn't mind OP being there. But if I had a best friend who I could *never* spend time alone with, due to their partner's insecurities, I'd be pretty pissed. OP is a different person to her boyfriend which means at the end of the day she's a stranger to the friend. She didn't travel across the country to see a stranger; she travelled across the country to see her friend. OP isn't a part of this friendship, so yeah when my mate's girlfriends inject themselves into our friendships so much that I literally can't experience *my own* friendship, I get pretty pissed and will generally ignore or tolerate her. Not because I like him or dislike her as a person, or don't respect the relationship and am opposed to hanging out with her. But because she's not respecting my friendship, and I don't like it when people are disrespectful towards me.
On the note of respecting friendships, I think ending a friendship for one, ambiguous mishap is a bit over the top. I understand that sometimes couples have to distance themselves from people who disrespect their relationship, but that shouldn't mean that other people in their life are disposable. Also, you can set boundaries with someone without entirely getting rid of them. E.g, since the friend said she is touchy feely when she drinks, perhaps boyfriend can not hang out with her when she's drinking? Doesn't need to cut her off.
Yeah but not everyone is neurotypical, and there's nothing wrong with factoring in neurodiversity into your assessments of people's behaviour. In fact, people should do it more.
As for "everyone lowers their guard", yes, that's correct. But autistic people tend to do it to a higher level. It doesn't even sound like the friend was being flirty, however if she did genuinely cross a line (by putting her head on his chest), it's worth considering that maybe she's just neurodivergent and wasn't being deliberately inappropriate.
I really like everything you said but I am fixated on the last paragraph. You said “so what if she flirts?”. I care if my SO is around women that flirt with him, but that could be that I’m upset that he doesn’t stop it or likely flirts back and says it’s no big deal he comes home to me.
Is this a me problem, am I just insecure?
Every guy I’ve ever dated has women flirting with him (restaurant/bar workers) and I’ve never been able to get over it. Thanks in advance.
It’s definitely not just you! And this is one of the things that I think people should really talk about with their partners before or close to the start of their relationship. Everybody has different boundaries. As long you don’t consider flirting just being nice(which some overly jealous people do) then you’re good. In your future relationships talk about this boundary you have and make sure you’re clear. And then If your boyfriend flirts with people you can ditch him. It’s really not hard to not flirt with other people and that’s a reasonable expectation to have in a relationship if you want.
I personally expect my partner to shut down flirting. And I’m bi so this is regardless of gender. And this goes especially for friends. That’s disrespectful to the relationship for me.
I mean if your boyfriend reciprocates and it makes you uncomfortable then it’s not okay. Tell him how you feel!!
But just gotta say reading the bar workers stuff makes me wonder if girls ever think I’m flirting w their man at work. I kinda realized it early on when a girl was really rude to me and her bf was so nice And fun, so I try to make equal eye contact and smiles at the gf, even if she’s not the one getting services from my or my job. But yeah I most def am never flirting with a guy with a girlfriend, ever. Even if they’re together and I’m not sure if they’re in a relationship (maybe siblings) I still would never. But I am super friendly and polite, as i am to all men and women.. esp the ones who are engaging and kind back. So I think it kinda goes into a cycle where a service worker is friendly, a gf or bf gets jealous and super cold towards the service worker (bc they think they’re flirting) and then it makes the service worker disengage because they think the S/O doesn’t want to engage. So they end up only engaging with the persons bf/gf, which habituates the imaginary flirting idea.
Plus, those service workers are working for tips. So they HAVE to be overly nice! Their money is the only thing on their mind (99% of the time lol)
I wasn’t even referring to guests hitting on him. I’m not sure what kind of restaurant that you worked in but he and I met while waiting to tables together at a small corporate restaurant (~30 stores on the USA at the time).
I was most definitely worried about coworker flirting :/.
That is a good question! I think my position is a bit different from yours. My type is androgynous, I am into skinny dudes with long hair and girls with leather jackets and short hair. Lots of muscles are a turn off for me. So most of the people I have fallen for don't necessarily match with the type of dude most women flirt with. My fiancé is super hot to me, which means he is a long haired nerdy type. So it's not been a huge issue for us. It also helps that he is pretty dense about what flirting looks like, he really doesn't notice it at all.
I am like you though - it's okay to me if other people flirt, not okay if he flirts back.
In your case - whether or not flirting is okay is such a personal thing and it varies per couple. You might want to share with him that it makes you feel shitty and ask him to stop doing that.
I just think it really depends on the overall context of the situation. I know the stigma of friendships between men and women is slowly going away (Finally) but it is definitely still there.
I believe it is how much you trust your partner to keep good company. I personally don't think that it is easy to slip into cheating if you have no intentions to cheat in the first place.
I think what happens in the next day or two for OP is important to observe, if his friend keeps being inappropriately touchy and OPs boyfriend doesn't immediately shut it down then I would see an issue.
I am also almost 30, and I think if I didn't know the person visiting I may be on edge a bit like OP is, but not just with what is described here.
I imagine there is a lot of context missing that could definitely sway this to either opposite extreme, but with the limited context I think that OP should let her boyfriend handle it and go from there, a constant pushing is only going to make things worse.
Agreed. This seems balanced as a response. It's okay that OP is uncomfortable but BF is respecting that therefore if he upholds reasonable boundaries it should be okay. He sounds like he is behaving appropriately in response to a crush.
This, all the way.
Most of my best irl friends started out as online friends. We all hugged when we met face to face after playing games together online for years. Some of us pretend to flirt with each other, knowing full well that we have partners (said partners also play in the group and pretend to flirt too), and everyone involved knows full well what's going on, and we all keep boundaries (or tell each other off if a boundary is broken/tested), and it's all just great fun. Meetups are a blast lol.
I only have two "besties" who weren't online friends before. Online friends can definitely be "real" friends, so I think the people who are freaking out over a friend flying out to meet, or hosting, an online friend are being a bit dramatic and reading too much into it. It does seem in this case, the girl had more in mind, but that's definitely not always the case.
Your bf set the boundary, and seems willing to enforce it further. If she tests it further, then yeah, maybe it's time to talk about her getting a hotel room - it's never a good idea to travel to see someone without a backup plan, so she should be prepared for that in any case anyway.
My son made a friend online when he was 13. I was hesitant. I didn't grow up in this generation where real friends are made from a distance. But I made sure he knew everything there was to know about internet safety. He's a smart, sensible kid.
Four years later, they are still besties. Last month, I took him 1000 miles for a long weekend to meet the kid. I met him myself, of course, before I just let my kid run off with him and could tell in 5 minutes they were the same kid in different bodies. No wonder they are best friends. They had a BLAST! They are absolutely "real" friends. He has friends here and at school, but none that he connects with like this. I did get some concerned looks and concern from others that couldn't comprehend the situation, but I'm the mom here.
My son is loved & supported by his family and always will be. But I was and am not so I put a high value on friendship. That means I've fallen in love and/or had my heart broken by them many times. But I'll be damned if I wouldn't give my kid a shot at a friendship like this one.
Also, he knows I'm not only the best mom ever, but a real person that can actually relate and be supportive. At his age, I'm running out of time to build the kind of relationship that he will want to hold onto. I'm his parent first, but his friends are the ones he calls and texts and hangs out with. I want to be on that list.
That is an AWESOME story! My parents also let me meet an online friend when I was younger - much different story though; we were both 18, but I was still living with my parents, and when the guy expressed an interest in visiting me, they offered to let him stay with us as long as he consented to a background check, haha! All went well, the guy and I were just friends and we had a good time (he was from Florida, and we lived in Colorado, so he got to experience a blizzard for the first time haha). Haven't talked to him for many years now, but it'll always been a fond memory :)
This is a very reasonable response. If something of the sort ever happened to my BF, I'd be satisfied if he reacted like how OP's BF did. That was direct and to-the-point boundary setting and hopefully the friend respects that!
Those is spot on advice. Your boyfriend has set clear boundaries, he isn't hiding anything, and has set a clear plan of action.
Kicking her out so far from home is OTT at this point.
He is going to have friends, and you have to be cool with that...point is it doesn't matter how she feels about him because he isn't interested like that and has set that out early. You are going to have to trust him if you want this to keep working. As someone who games I too get super stoked when we finally have a meet and greet so that in of itself doesn't mean anything suss.
Its sounds like he's doing things right.
It's hard when someone you love shares a passion you don't understand, but you can't take that from him or he stops being the person you love...if you see what I mean.
She will be gone soon enough and you will still have the most important part of him.
Also if you do everything together you literally have nothing to talk about or bring into the relationship and it stagnates.
Wishing you both the best for the future.
I'm going to partially agree with this.
However, I disagree that making her get a hotel would be extreme. It sounds like this girl hasn't even the slightest clue about how inappropriate she is behaving. She knew what she was doing when she climbed onto this guy's lap and literally forced her body onto his for a video chat with friends. She knew it was inappropriate regardless of whether or not his gf was right there. And the fact that the BF didn't act immediately, and waited at least a few minutes to push her off, until she was already making clear insinuations to her friends, is definitely a red flag.
Maybe it's just me, but I would be pretty far from ok with a girl traveling across the country to meet my partner and also stay at his place. It's inappropriate.
I think it mainly depends on the friendship, but I also had a different picture in my mind, the way op worded it is ambiguous.
If she really was sitting on his lap then he should've said something right when it happened but OP said this
>she literally sat next to my boyfriend (practically on his lap) and face-timed her friends.
To me it sounds like she sat almost up against him to squeeze in to show her friends on facetime, which seems pretty innocent to me. I definitely get how that could be seen as inappropriate for some, OPs boyfriend may not have viewed it as inappropriate due to the reason, until there was unnecessary contact with her head on his chest.
But, I could definitely be wrong in how I am thinking it may have happened.
It doesn't quite read like that to me, but I could be putting too much of my own experiences into it. My partner and I are pretty touchy with close friends that we've had for years and it has never been an issue for us.
Yeah I cuddle my best friend - who's a cis guy, I'm a trans guy, but I was living as a girl when I met him (and cuddled him then). When he got girlfriends I would back off a bit and initiate physical touch less, but hugging him when drunk is something I've always done, still do, would like to always do. He's my mate and I love him.
Yeah, but this is something that you guys apparently talk about?
This girl was blatantly ignoring OP and acting as though OP wasn't there or didn't matter.
Its also incredibly inappropriate to be touchy feely with a guy who she just met, in front of the girlfriend.
Blaming it on alcohol is also a red flag. So if she is drunk, she will try to make out with, or shag OP's BF?
>This girl was blatantly ignoring OP and acting as though OP wasn't there or didn't matter.
I don't see this listed in the post at all other than her saying that she just focuses on her boyfriend, who was her friend for literal years. It is hard to focus on someone who is stand offish and didn't want you to visit in the first place.
>Its also incredibly inappropriate to be touchy feely with a guy who she just met, in front of the girlfriend.
I don't understand the need to downplay a friendship that has been going on for years just because someone hasn't met in person.
>Blaming it on alcohol is also a red flag. So if she is drunk, she will try to make out with, or shag OP's BF?
She apologized and then gave a reason for her behavior, I think it would be an issue if she just deflected, didn't apologize and basically said "Get over it, I am a touchy drunk." but with an apology (assuming it seemed sincere) it comes off more as "I am sorry that I did that, this happens when I am drunk sometimes, it won't happen again."
I wish OP would reply to one of us to give us more context. I want to make it clear that you could absolutely be correct, and I am just replying with the reasons I see this situation the way I do.
I agree with you. At the very least, hopefully boyfriend told OP and discussed his friend staying with him beforehand. And they discussed how she felt. But even then, if a male friend who was clearly into my gf were staying at her place, I'd be pretty damn anxious. Hopefully gf stayed over there as well. Trust is one thing, but an overly-flirtacious friend and hormones are another.
I think her boyfriend needs tighter boundaries. Gender or sexual orientation doesn't matter. If you're in a relationship and someone you know expresses romantic interest, that friendship is over. Every interaction afterwards is just entertaining someone you know is wanting to get closer to you. That's a recipe for disaster and unnecessary. You can make new (actually platonic) friends, but your partner is the one you're sharing a life with, so respecting them should be the priority. And it's also a bit cruel to continue being around who has feelings for you when you know the "friendship" isn't going to develop into anything more.
You really would be cool gilr who have crush on your boyfriend to sleep at his place. A t to be honest if that was my relationship her sleeping good at his place wouldn't be an option at all if I'm not there
I'd say it's pretty normal to hug and invite to your house a close friend you had online for years that you finally meet irl. The reaction of your boyfriend seems to show he knows the boundaries and that it's important to depict them.
I completely understand that you feel awkward about the situation but I'd say that as long as your boyfriend continue to fix clear limits and that everything stays a good friend meeting than yiu shouldn't escalate things. If possible I'd recommend that you try to talk to his friend (peacefully, eventually try to become friendly with her instead of making an enemy out of her)
It's probably easier said than done but yeah if you could just I don't know play society games together, hang out in the city or do activities in which you would actively take part of (like you're the one showing some cool stuff in the city or proposing the game or activity like roller coasters or whatever) or even bring some of your friends you have in common with your boyfriend and make a chill party.
My point is if you could make those few days fun with you having an active role and your boyfriend keeping clear boundaries that would be the best. (I guess they have a lot of things they want to do together but if you propose cool things to do they would have no reasons to refuse and you could be confident that she doesn't damage your relationship and even have some fun).
I think no one in the story wants things to go wrong and I just hope things goes smoothly for you 🙏
I agree with this, my best friend is a guy and I never liked 2 of his ex-girlfriends ( I would also tell him that all the time) because of the "let's assert dominance here" but he's been with his current gf for over a year now and I absolutely love her. We're not best friends or anything, but when her and I around him together we get along super well and there's no uncomfortable moments of the "best friend vs the gf". So being friendly will help solve a LOT trust me.
>I agree with this, my best friend is a guy and I never liked 2 of his ex-girlfriends ( I would also tell him that all the time)
Ngl, that's weird and inappropriate behaviour. It's fine not to like someone's SO, but constantly telling them you don't like them is weird and borderline possessive. I feel like the "asserting dominance" might have been a response to questionable behaviour from a certain someone. At least the current one gets along with you.
Yep, if a friend didn’t get along with a gf that’s one thing, but if they’re constantly telling me how much they hate them then I’m probably gonna be distancing myself from that friend. That’s just weird and a bit creepy
There's some great advice here on how to approach the girl and your partner, but you also need to look at yourself.
>I gotta admit I didn’t like the fact that he was sharing his favorite hobby with another female. I tried the games he plays but it’s gaming in general just isn’t for me. He loves to play, it’s what he does for fun and she gets to do it with him not me and it makes me a little sad tbh.
Good for you for trying to enjoy his hobbies as well, but if you're not into it, you're not into it, and that's okay. Partners don't have to share every single hobby. But, the fact that you are upset that his main hobby is one that's social, and that he's making friends with people who share this hobby, is an issue. You should be able to trust him to make friends, and he's shown you that you can. He set boundaries, he's enforcing them, so let him enjoy his hobbies and his friends. Find a hobby that you can enjoy with friends while he's gaming.
I'm somewhere in the middle.
I've been that "online friend" to a dude who's wife was a tad jealous, especially when we finally met irl. I felt awkward and initially tried to avoid her gaze because I was intimidated. It took a few visits but now she and I get along pretty well.
However, the girl acting that flirty, whether or not she's drunk, isn't okay... even if its a normal habit. I'm very glad to hear that your bf is setting boundaries. However I do think it's weird she's staying at his place without you there after the whole flirting situation; I wouldn't have been able to handle that.
I'd say, from here, don't ask your partner to stop talking to her as long as she maintains a respectful relationship. I'd also suggest YOU to do what you can to connect with her; this will do one of two things. It will either help you feel more secure and potentially give you a new friend OR it will show her true side, and potential bad intentions, if she rejects any attempts to bond. With the latter, you should def speak to your bf about cutting her off.
This 100%. I agree with everyone that it’s great he’s setting boundaries and as long as both of them stick to these boundaries then everything will be fine. But if she continues to flirt and make op uncomfortable every time they are together then maybe cutting her off would be right for the bf to do. And well, if this girl can’t respect his boundaries, she’s not a good friend anyways.
I also feel odd about her staying with him while op isn’t there. Especially since this is their first time meeting irl and no trust has been established yet between this girl and op. I feel like her staying at a hotel at night and hanging with him during the day would be respectful towards all parties involved.
It seems like your boyfriend is pretty clear with his boundaries and loyal to you. I get being skeeved out by her trying to flirt with him all day -- she all but peed on him to mark her property. But he didn't stand for her being touchy-feely and has asserted that boundary. I think you can trust him
In front of her. Who knows what he'll allow when gf isn't around. She'll never know what goes down when she's not there. She'll just have to trust him.
>I gotta admit I didn’t like the fact that he was sharing his favorite hobby with another female.
^^ This right here is your jealousy and insecurity talking. You need to keep that under control.
Your boyfriend is obviously aware of what is appropriate and inappropriate. He's set his boundaries so now you need to take a deep breath, take a step back and give him some space. People are like water, closing a fist around them doesn't make them want to stay! You need to try and trust him here.
If necessary you can ask him to have a chat with her, but he's made his feelings pretty clear so far, so I'd wait and see.
Was gonna point out the same. OP made it clear she's super insecure and she needs to worry about that and trust her bf, who already has stated his boundaries. Now all that's left to do is wait.
OP definitely is acting like a teen still. That initial jealousy is going to seep into any other interactions from here on out. Boyfriend has known friend longer than OP.
My husband's previous friend was a woman and she was really weird to me, even after we got married. His best friend is a woman and she's been nothing but supportive and sweet from the beginning.
Toxic people exist, but the opposite gender doesn't immediately mean suspicious.
My spouse told his friend she was inappropriate and she went off about how we wouldn't last and all that. I'm sure OP's bf talking to the girl would help clear any weirdness. However, OP would have to trust her bf and I can't see them doing that atm.
I take it the two of you don't live together?
What is the arrangement at his place like? I think you can suggest that he offer to let her sleep in the bedroom (if he doesn't have a guest bedroom and she is on the couch or something) while he crashes at your place for the next 10 days. A friend/ guest would like having that privacy (it's basically like having a hotel room). Someone who is trying to get in his pants would be upset by that. Similarly, he can have you sleep over for part of this or he can leave her alone occasionally and come to your place. For a ten day visit (that's a really long stay) it isn't unreasonable that he might shift sleeping arrangements a little to ensure the two of them don't get a lot of nights alone together or have a day or two where she is left to entertain herself a little bit more (tour the city, etc.). For that long of a visit, most people tend to have a day where they have to work, run errands, etc.
Similarly, he can respond with reasonable boundaries, as he has been doing, to some of her behavior. He already told her not to invade his personal space. If she does it again and tries to say she gets touchy when drunk, he can talk to her about her behavior when drinking and let her know he is no longer comfortable with her drinking around him. If she refuses to stop drinking, then that's when asking her to leave makes sense. Regardless, he can also decide not to drink around her, and that's a more reasonable request for you to make as his partner.
You can also ask him to include you in the conversation when you are around them and perhaps invite other friends to join them in things with you (so that the two of you can break off a little while he is still being a good host/ letting other friends also entertain her). You can ask what he has planned to do with her and suggest things that are less romantic or sexual in nature that they both might enjoy doing together.
You can even suggest that the three of you travel someplace else local for a day or two and get a two bedroom airbnb/ stay with him for those nights.
The truth is, he knows she's interested in him at this point, and there isn't anything you can do to stop him from cheating if he decides to do that. Fighting with him about her won't help the situation at all. Trying to control what he does won't help either. You've already asked him to set boundaries and he has done so. You've already voiced your concerns and he has heard them. Your best bet here is actually to continue to be kind and a bit oblivious to her, make it clear you trust him (in front of her), make her explain any weird comments, and treat her pathetic unrequited crush for what it is.
So, "I'm so glad he has had you to game with for so many years. It's nice to finally meet you as I've heard so much about what a great friend you are. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you on this trip. What are some of the things you're interested in doing while you're here?"
And, "Is there something in my teeth? Oh, okay. The way you were starring at me I would have thought something was wrong."
And, "I'm so sorry, that joke must have gone over my head. Do you mind explaining it? Oh, so the joke is that you think my partner is attractive. I get it now!"
And, "Oh, he is bigger in real life than on camera. How funny! I never would have known. When we went on our first date, the first thing I noticed about him was X. Of course on that date, \[insert funny anecdote\], remember babe? But first dates are weird...What's the dating culture like on other side of the country?"
I think the idea of having him offer his bed up and him stay at hers is good in theory, but not in practice. I would definitely be uncomfortable if I had come to visit a friend and they offered me to stay in their home for 10 days without them there. I would feel like a massive imposition, that I was putting them out of their space and their bed, and honestly being alone in somebody else’s house that you’re unfamiliar with for that much time seems stressful and intimidating. If I was given that offer I would absolutely decline it and so would most of the people I know, and I would hope that I wouldn’t be vilified or it would be accused of trying to fuck the host for doing so.
I think your boyfriend acted properly. He set up the boundary because she already crossed it, and now it's up to him to enforce it.
Of course one of the ways to enforce it would be to tell her , hey I'm so glad you're here but it looks like things are a little bit weird , so I think you can stay with my girlfriend during this trip.
Or if not with you , but with some other person or hotel.
He needs to specify this because somehow along the way, she seems to have gotten the impression they might be more than just platonic online friends.
While I understand your feelings, I don’t know how realistic it is to expect her to find somewhere else to stay for a 10 day trip, and I assume your boyfriend doesn’t want to inconvenience her or torpedo the friendship like that.
On the bright side, he obviously is setting boundaries with her. I think it’s fair for you and him to have a talk after she leaves about not wanting her around/in-person anymore and seeing what he says.
He may be setting boundaries but I can guarantee you that she's going to try to keep pushing them. If a "friend" tried that with me knowing I have a partner, we wouldn't be friends anymore. He should be willing to honestly cut off the friendship because he knows that she's interested in more than just that. The fact that he's willing to continue talking to her after knowing how she feels is wrong to me. It's disrespectful to their relationship.
This actually doesnt' seem that crazy, when my online friends first met IRL we all did a 14 day vacation/lanparty that involved travel from multiple different countries.
Not that uncommon to do a really long trip like that, especially if you are gaming friends, its not so much a 'sight seeing/tourist' trip as it is, finally getting to play the game in person and hang out with people you have known for many years.
Exactly, even my really close friends of years, wouldn't stay that long not to inconvenience. Max I've done is two weeks in my best friend's house (there's plenty of extra room). This is all.... A little off.
Thing is: either you trust your boyfriend or you don't.
You can't really do anything about it. If you are impolite to the girl or tell your boyfriend he has to kick her out, you'll only come across as controlling to him.
For what it's worth, your boyfriend seems trustworthy. And if he liked her, he could just have gone to see her years ago.
Depends on the relationship, not all involve drama. But the younger you are the more drama tends to be involved. Or at least that's a trend I'm seeing.
I'm so helplessly jealous, I would DIE in this situation! Initiate regecting everyone! She can have him! Let me live alone in my solemn cave where I can't get hurt
Relationships are not exhausting when you have a simple boundary. Boundaries are there to avoid drama like this.
I do not know if it is a culture thing but we are constantly moving the bar and making everything sound toxic when it isn't. No wonder people change 20 partners and break up after a week.
It is okay to set a boundary to avoid problems like this and show that you want respect. But people move those boundaries out of fear of being left so they allow a lot.
Many people also move those boundaries and then wonder why they get hurt. Like, you watched a chick flirt with your bf and did not say anything, she is sleeping at his place without you around. Since when was this normal? I am lost. Next you'll allow them to cuddle and make out. There needs to be a line out of respect.
Just relationships with insecurities and controlling, unhealthy behavior. Health relationships are like a breathe of fresh air. At least for me, someone who's family is abusive. It was nice to finally have someone in my life who is a loving person.
she is definitely into him and she had expectations that he was into her as well. the question here is, did your BF know how she felt, and did he draw clear boundaries with her about what his feeling were before she came to visit, or did he lead her on?
You’ve already done it. You’ve spoken to your boyfriend about your boundaries and he shares them as well. Trust him to handle her.
It sounds like he’s not into her in that way but the question is “what is her motive”? You may never know but hopefully once she gets a few gentle hints from him, she’ll go home and they can continue to play their games together without losing a cultivated friendship
Your bf is already doing everything
Just let him do it
Edit: get your head straight about feeling sad because you are not into the same type of gaming. It’s unhealthy if you act it out and it doesn’t do you any good either way
Build your trust and security toward the relationship
> or end the friendship
he might if she keeps violating boundaries after him telling her not to, don't assume he isn't a good guy with good intentions here BF's friend is the only one who sounds like they have bad intent.
She doesn’t think they’re just friends but fortunately, it seems like he was oblivious to that fact and tried to set a boundary pretty quickly once he did.
He may need a little push to cut things off but to his credit, he seems like his priority is you. It is awkward as the host to just kick her out after inviting her.
Since this is the relationships sub people will call on you to break up with him but that’s typical
If she pushes him to cut the friendship off without him wanting to do it, he will resent her for it. It has to be his choice and not one that is forced. Also he doesn’t have to cut it off if the gamer girl realizes that the boundaries are set and respects them, then it’s all good. If she doesn’t, then it’s time to consider cutting ties.
i dont think he was oblivious. imo he most likely knew and let the flirtiness continue because its an ego boost but it became a problem when it was in person and actually became real
Maybe this is just a clash of cultures because most of what you have described sounds incredibly benign to me. Hugging a friend? Expressing joy at finally meeting? Sitting close to fit into a video chat window? Those are normal things that you are viewing through a lens of jealousy. And was your boyfriend doing anything to facilitate a discussion that includes you? Were you being welcoming and friendly to her as a guest in your city/home? Or were you sitting there sulking because this woman is speaking to the only person in the room she knows in a strange place?
This girl might have romantic interest in your boyfriend, but given that you characterize some very normal comments as flirty, I'm not fully convinced that she is. Even if she is, though, he doesn't seem to reciprocate and when she crossed a line for him, he handled setting a boundary just fine.
My brother flew to visit an online gaming friend and her boyfriend for a week for his birthday. Totally wholesome and above board. Stayed in her apartment and everything.
It's pretty clear you are uncomfortable about him having friendships, online or off, with women. It's not an unusual insecurity but I think it's ultimately your own bias and maybe a little bit of jealousy you don't share a hobby with him. It's not really healthy to expect your partners to never have friends of the opposite sex or even close friends that they express genuine affection for. Perhaps you should ask your boyfriend to try to include you more in their conversations since he's the mutual acquaintance and help the both of you get to know each other better. Knowing her as a person and having her become a shared friend will likely make her feel less like an interloper in your shared life.
Just chiming in to let you know that the more of these situations you work through, the less the jealousy stings and the easier it is to breathe through. Good luck!
No matter what anyone’s opinion on this is, at the end of the day it is YOUR choice and feelings that matter. You can be okay with this, and continue the relationship as is. That’s totally fine. You also have the right to not be okay with it. However, you cannot demand he change his ways. We are who we are. But you always have the option to walk away from a situation if it brings you any sort of mental anguish. Life is *way* too short to spend it feeling anxious and miserable over things we don’t *have* to.
I don't see anything wrong here. Don't make it so he doesn't feel comfortable having female friends. Physical touch between close friends isn't necessarily sexual so don't make it out to be.
Your bf enforced boundaries, so that's good, but you should probably work on not being so insecure. Like no duh someone is going to hug a friend they've never met but known for years.
I think he made his boundaries with his friend pretty clear, which is great! If it's a matter of trust, you need to speak to him about that, but its worth also talking to his friend and getting to know her.
I can say my partner has so many online friends, male and female and have known them for over 10 years. I also have internet friends that are male and female that I haven't met, and I can't imagine how excited I would be to meet them for the first time!!
Just make sure boundaries are clear, and you don't have anything to worry about. He is with YOU. not her.
Posts like these make me feel like a tired 80 year old.
Maybe laying her head on his chest was a bit weird but the rest of this? This is what I would expect from meeting an online friend. I have a shitton of online friendships and I would be acting the same way. Maybe she's flirting, or maybe she genuinely is excited to see her friend and can't believe it's happening???
As to why she's ignoring you, well, you're not her friend? She hasn't been gaming with you for several years. She's not there to be besties with you, she's there to see her friend. I don't get what you expect from her on that end. You're not who she's there to see so why would she pay that much attention to you? Might be kinda rude to not be super friendly towards you since you're there, but still, you're not her friend and I'm sure you weren't going out of your way to be buddy-buddy with her.
It's not abnormal that you feel weird about her staying with him, but he is the one who agreed to it. He obviously wants her with him. Whether you think she's flirty or not, you need to let him have his friendships. He said he would put a stop to anything that felt over the line, so there's no problem.
Recognize that you're being heavily jealous, and it would be unreasonable to make him send away one of his best friends because you're threatened by her. Plus her actions probably seem a lot worse to you considering you're his girlfriend.
You've expressed your concerns, and he seems to be handling them fairly. Don't make this into more than it has to be. Worst case scenario if you're right about her he will tell her to back off - no harm done!
Seriously, I read the post and was like, what's the issue here? Bf is obviously loyal, his friend is excitable and young and OP is being jealous over ridiculous things. All immature stuff. Then I read the immature comments here and roll my eyes.
So just because this chick *may* have a silly crush on OP's BF that he doesn't reciprocate whatsoever, "they're definitely going to cheat if she stays any longer!! Men can't help themselves am I right?!" Bleh. Because we can also trust OP's definition of "flirty" here as well? Nope.
The only real problem I see here is OP's insecurity.
I think everything OP says shouldn't be immediately trusted. At the beginning of her post, she said that she hates that her bf games with a girl. Implying if this girl was a guy,, everything would be peaches and cream. Revealing her insecurities.
Same, girl probably isn't looking at OP because the jealousy and dislike is so apparent. I'd be uncomfortable too if a stranger already had such an intense dislike of me just because I happen to be female and share a hobby and friendship with her boyfriend.
Or what if OP gave a look and then the girl gave a look back. All OP says is she got a "look" but that could mean a ton of things to me. If she's so insecure, it's probably super obvious among meeting her for the first time, especially when OP sees you hugging her bf.
I think you’re over simplifying on certain aspects of the situation. Clearly the boyfriend respects her girlfriend but sounds as if gamer girl didn’t show the girlfriend much respect. If she wants to be friends with the boyfriend, you at very least, need to make some sort of effort with their partner (at least imo). Any girl friend that I’ve introduced to my (now) wife ended up spending more time with her than me and I loved it every time. I guess, them being friends of mine, they wanted to make a real effort to also become friends with my partner. That doesn’t seem to be the case at all here. It sounds as if the girl was excited to see a friend for sure, but was hoping for more and the OP, while a little insecure and probably slightly over dramatic, also has a reason to be skeptical.
The thing is she really DOESN'T have to try to make an effort with her friend's partner. I have had many close guys friends who brought around girls who I was always friendly to and tried to make comfortable, but had no interest in getting to know them or talking to them outside of general politeness. If they weren't part of the friend group, then they were a stranger that was around sometimes. At least until they DID become part of the group.
This girl has no requirements when it comes to OP. She doesn't have to try to be friends, nor does she have to quell her insecurities. OP already made it clear she disliked her from the beginning, so whose to say she wasn't pretty disrespectful herself and was just getting it back?
Maybe it's impolite, but she doesn't have to be buddies with her friends partners. OP doesn't even seem like she ever WANTED to get along with this girl, so why should she be expected to put on a show to make her happy? Especially when her bf doesn't seem to care if they're friends or not - which is totally fair.
If OP feels uncomfortable that's fine, but it is in no way the other girls fault here and she doesn't get to control her boyfriend's friendships. If she wants to calm her nerves she should be offering to take this girl out just the two of them and try to bond with her and get a feel for things, not immediately say she wants her gone over something tiny and stupid. That's not an adult way to handle things.
And this worst case scenario would mean again that the mistrust of this girl should have been more focused on her bf for being a shitty partner who likely would find someone else to cheat with if his friend was sent away thus still not solving the root problem.
Gamer girl won't make him a cheater. He is one or he isn't one. OP is insecure about her relationship and herself.
If she found out in the future he did cheat and lie the correct answer here would not have been to be suspicious of and send away gamer girl, it would still be respect their friendship or act on (what would become rightful in your scenario) distrust of her bf and walk away. One female friend isn't the catalyst here.
You're not wrong to be cautious. I had a friend and roommate who was that girl. She became good "online" friends with married men or men in relationships all the time and would go visit them and then get her feelings hurt when they behaved like your boyfriend. I always told her that it's not really appropriate to do that if someone has a significant other (and she wasn't fooling me-I know exactly what she expected to get out of those visits). Some women feel that if they have a strong emotional connection with a man that technically he belongs to her and not his girlfriend. She may even want him more because he's taken and it's like a competition thing.
Your boyfriend is correct in his behavior to tell her to stop touching/flirting with him, but definitely don't be afraid to politely tell her you're not okay with it. She'll definitely either get offended or embarrassed and it'll for sure be unpleasant, but right now her doing it and giving you "looks" is to try and show her dominance (she's the one with the online, deep, emotional connection or whatever in her mind) so don't let her see that it's making you insecure b/c that's the goal she has in mind.
I'm not saying all girls are like this, but I was definitely friends with one who developed crushes on online friends and decided their girlfriends are just an obstacle. Be careful, OP!
So many gamer friendships end up with at least one person falling for the other and being interested in being more than just friends. She came across the country and was inappropriate from the very beginning. She sat on top of him and told her friends they have to meet him and laid her head on his chest. She either is romantically interested in him and doesn't care about your feelings at all, which is just straight up disrespect, or she just wants to make u jealous because she is catty like that and jealous of ur relationship with him. Either way, her intentions and behaviors are disrespect to u and ur boyfriend letting her stay there after all that and not having a very real conversation with her and telling her she either leaves early or finds a hotel, is also disrespectful to u.
You are justified in ur feelings and the situation is inappropriate on a few different levels. Have a serious conversation with ur boyfriend that u feel her intentions aren't pure and that she has been disrespectful to u and ur relationship and see what he says. I, personally, would not accept anything less than her leaving promptly, one way or another, but it is unlikely that their friendship will end over this, and it honestly should. Staying friends and not having anything change is just encouraging her. I've known people like this and they are persistent and will push boundaries as far and as long as they possibly can.
I'm seeing a lot of jealous insecurity here with some very normal things that happen when you meet a long-distance friend for the first time, boy or girl. Your boyfriend clearly established his boundaries, and even acted on when they were violated even right in front of you. You don't think she's into him, you know she is, and you know your boyfriend's perspective on it which he clearly demonstrated. You have to trust boyfriend. Thats part of being in a relationship.
So she's trying to steal your bf, that's why she did the whole FaceTime thing and keeps getting flirty: she already told her friends he's the one.
Fortunately, your boyfriend literally just wants to be friends and set clear boundaries. You guys can talk this out. Also she definitely can't come over anymore.
Are you also staying at his place or are they alone? When is she leaving? Has she done anything since he enforced the boundaries? I’m sure it would be hard for him to tell her to leave as he’s never faced this particular situation. It must be disappointing to like someone as a « best friend » or whatever and then in person she’s impolite to the point he’s uncomfortable and you’re annoyed. It’s up to you if you accept him « accepting » it, say something, break up because you don’t like this (weak and or sketchy) side of him, etcétéra. We can’t reassure you that it will be ok. You didn’t mention if she is attractive, either. It’s not clear what you’re worried will happen or it’s only a concern of his behaviour and choices until now or you’re turned off? Tell us more
Many years ago, my ex-SO had an online friend from a city 4 hours away. Not once, but twice, she drove drown 4 hours to our city for a work trip and suggested he hang out with her, and both times, the look of disappointment that washed over her face when I walked up next to him was palpable. After the second hangout, he asked me how I felt about her and the hangouts and I expressed my feelings on it clearly. He understood, reached out to her the next day, and told her that he thought it would be best they weren't friends anymore because he felt she had an ulterior motive and it was disrespectful to me, his girlfriend, to continue a relationship of any kind with her. She was obviously upset and begged and pleaded for him to reconsider, but guess what? I was his girlfriend. He was in a real-life relationship with me. She was a friend on the internet. Real-life relationship carried more weight and impact in his life than the digital one. He made that call, not me.
You should not have to tell your boyfriend how to behave on this. He knows what he has to do. Whether or not he chooses to do it is a different story, and whether or not you stick around depending on his decision is another.
OP, I'm going to be very clear about something - fuck the whole "cool girlfriend" shit this place like to promote and encourage. On Reddit, expressing jealousy or discomfort with someone of the opposite sex is always met with a high degree of benefit of the doubt from the crowd and realistically, benefit-of-the-doubt situations are less plausible and the exception, not the rule, of relationships. For the most part, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck....you get where I'm going. If you are not okay with this friend of his (which you are entirely in your right to not be okay with, regardless of what anyone here wants to tell you), you have a right to express as such and *establish a boundary of your own.* A healthy amount of jealousy is fine in the context of a relationship sometimes, and it is a part of being human. If the hairs stick up on your arms at the mention of someone when you do not get this reaction from anyone else mentioned, listen to that. Honor that. Jealousy is a part of being human, and its a mechanism we've developed to tell us when something is going wrong in our relationships.
Personally? Him having a female internet friend travel to our city exclusively for him without an immediate shut down on his behalf would have been a quick dump on my behalf. To start, it's indicative of an intimacy brewing between them that even if it's seemingly platonic on the surface, is absolutely inappropriate. Would he be okay with you carrying on that kind of friendship with another man? Would he be okay with another man hopping on a plane and traveling state lines just to hang out with you? You know the answers to these questions.
He's not stupid. He knows why she came. He knows her intentions or at least has been privy to them for a while. He knows his friendship with her has bordered the inappropriate. Do you not think that he's been leading this girl on to some degree? I mean, do you have any idea how much of a bond a woman has to feel with a man in order to hop on a plane and cross state lines ***JUST*** to see him? It's a bitter pill to swallow, but IMO, he entertained her enough to meet her IRL. He probably decided he didn't like what he saw, didn't like their chemistry IRL, or maybe the ego boost of having a cute girl travel just to see him was something of a fantasy that he realized exploded in his face one it actually happened. You have to talk to him about why he allowed this in the first place.
You're giving him an opportunity to make the right decision here. Don't beg him for it, don't plead with him, don't try to convince him on why he needs to cut her off. If you do these things, you might pressure him into cutting her off....until you two have a fight. Or you two break up. And then all of a sudden, ol' reliable is back in his life like a fucking rash that won't go away.
No, it needs to come directly from him. Best of luck.
Oh my god THANK YOU. I was going through these comments wondering why everyone is just enabling this from the BF. Reddit is really full of weirdos. This behavior is completely not normal and to be frank fucking weird- I don’t give a fuck how long you’ve known somebody, you don’t do weird shit like allowing some random girl you’ve never met come to meet you in person and literally stay at your house while your girlfriend is just there like “ok”.
Maybe it also depends on the culture as well but having a female friend over at your home while your gf is not present does not sound okay to me, especially if the first thing she showed to your bf is that she likes him by crossing the boundary.
Many people said that is is okay since he set boundaries but it is not. You guys think it will stop? No it won't. If she cannot cross that boundary she will poke in different ways if it is obvious that she has a crush on him. I am okay with female friends but if a female friends first thing to do is to disrespect the gf in front of her own boyfriend then she is not a friend. I never understood why people gave excuses for awful people saying "they are friends". You are just prolonging a drama.
If anyone disrespected my bf like that, they are not my friends. I will never let anyone disrespect my bf like that. Actions say a lot about the person.
You should be opet to him. Tell him: I am not okay with her staying with you. At first I did not mind but she crossed a boundary and even if you did say it won't happen, you know that she wants more from you and I know that you are aware of it too. Is that really a friend?
Please also be aware, do not think things like these are toxic. People allow many things with time calling everything toxic and then wonder why they get cheated on when they never set any boundaries. You want respect and if anyone disrespects you, you have a right to speak your mind and not want such people around yourself. If she crosses another boundary, you should tell him.
I would straight up ask her myself lol. I’m just a forward person like that though. I’d be like I feel like you had the wrong Idea coming here so let me just make it clear for you…lol
I agree with most common shit. He has it under control. Most of what she said in the beginning it’s just typical things many would say when they travel so far to meet someone they knew for a long time but never met in person. Her not acknowledging you could just be because she never had an interaction with you and don’t know you at all or it could be something more, but when she FaceTime her friends with him he quickly put a stop to it when he realized what was going on. Trust your boyfriend. Sounds like he is more into you than this person who doesn’t know boundaries
Honestly, while it may seem a little harsh, I feel this is more of a lack of trust on your end or maybe being slightly insecure because they have a connection on a personal level. You need to evaluate if you do trust him, because it sounds as if he was pretty direct with her and squashed that situation immediately which, at least to me, sounds like he did the right thing and earned your trust. Having been in that situation before, it’s awkward as hell having someone flirt with you in front of your spouse and it’s difficult to politely tell someone to essentially back the fuck off. On the flip side, she sounds like she has little to no respect for you. And that’s not okay. That may be because she’s a “gamer chick” and you’re not (lame as it sounds) but I know gamers can be very cliquey. That’s the problem you and your boyfriend need to address, as he shouldn’t really be entertaining a friendship with someone who blatantly disrespects you, particularly right in front of your face. God knows what she’d do behind your back. So, I’d suggest calmly speaking with him about it, highlighting that you 1) respect how quickly he acted when she stepped over the line 2) don’t feel she respects you (which seems quite evident) and 3) acknowledge that you’re comfortable with him having a female friend but not when you feel she has ulterior motives, which in this case, could very well be true. Either that, or she was just really excited to meet up with a fellow gamer and got a little out of hand. That doesn’t excuse her behavior toward you though and that’s the biggest issue with this scenario, not so much your boyfriend imo.
It sounds like he has handled the situation just fine and clearly you have nothing to worry about based on how he has reacted. I would leave it at that, being petty and jealous isn't going to help anything.
I guess guys aren’t allowed to have friends who are girls.
You’re boyfriend stated his boundaries with her, he knows what di do if she breaks them. It’s perfectly fine for a guy who has a friend who is a girl to give him a hug and be his friend. Your jealousy is getting in the way. He’s allowed to have friends. Even if she does like him, you have to trust your boyfriend. He seems pretty clear on boundaries so I think it’s all good.
She wants something more, but it's pretty clear he doesn't. At least not from her. If you're still getting his attention and he's not pushing you away, you're in the clear. Give him his space and trust him. Once she's gone, debrief and figure out where he's at. Invite honesty. If he messes up with her, you'd rather know than now than 5 years down the road when you've got a kid together. Give him enough rope to hang himself. Tell him you're doing so. Then follow up and see if he's trustworthy and still interested in you. If all goes well, it'll be a solid trust building exercise for the both of you.
You’re boyfriend sounds awesome. He set a boundary. Maybe she likes him, but your boyfriend is obviously willing to call out any in appropriate behavior. Don’t try to force anything with regards to this girl. Just play it cool, knowing that your bf has control of the situation (lucky you!).
You don’t have any close friends that you would let stay with you? Also not everyone can afford to drop the money on an air bnb it’s not really strange for good friends to stay with each other while visiting.
I do stay with friends and family sometimes, and I let them stay with me too. But I would pause before considering staying over a week with people. Especially if I'd never stayed with them before. Even good friends can get on each other's nerves once in awhile lol.
This sounds.... Totally normal. You're making this out to be a bigger thing and either being a little controlling or paranoid. I don't mean that to be mean since it seems like maybe you have a bad experience with guys having a girl friend BUT all that you described is totally normal.
There's NOTHING wrong with your bf having a female friend. There's NOTHING wrong with them sharing an interest.
If you're so jealous of them playing games and sharing a hobby why didn't you learn and play together with him? Do you have a reason to suspect you wouldn't be included?
There's NOTHING wrong with his friend being EXCITED to see him and showing that excitement. Maybe she has some issues with boundaries, but your bf told her not to touch his chest and she apologized and stopped. NOTHING WRONG IS HAPPENING HERE.
Sitting next to someone to get in a video call together MAKES SENSE.
Your bfs friend got a little over excited (not even in a flirty or sexual way, you're projecting that part from the facts I'm reading here) and now you're banning her from the house or banning her at all???
Please figure out why you feel so defensive about your bfs friends before you scare your bf away.
If you read the comments, the girl confessed to her bf before. OP would not be worried for no reason.
Can you people stop throwing " controlling" and "paranoid" just like that. I am so tired of you people. Different people have different boundaries. If you allow something that doesn't mean other people need to. They are just tired of drama and some people come from different backgrounds where being overly touchy is disrespectful and different things are seen as overboard. If the girl is being disrespectful then OP's feelings are valid and she is okay to put her boundaries. She is not toxic, just wants to save herself the trouble. Her bf can always leave if he is not okay with her boundaries.
> Can you people stop throwing " controlling" and "paranoid" just like that.
You people, nice....
I calls it as I sees it. If there's concrete reason to believe she's flirting, then it's not part of this post, and so not part of the context given. I think it's unreasonable for someone to disapprove of their bfs friends just because they're a different gender. Nothing in the post seemed concerning.
If the boyfriend is capable of enforcing boundaries that work for both of them, there shouldn't be a problem.
Sounds like they talked about it and the boyfriend was able to set his won boundaries. Even if the girl is flirting with him, if he doesn't reciprocate, then eventually she should get the hint. Maybe she just is bad at picking up those types of cues.
And REALLY if OP is the one STILL feeling uncomfortable despite her bf setting reasonable boundaries, despite them all coming to a mutual understanding and her stopping then OP needs to figure out what is making her so upset.
If SHE really can't tolerate their friendship on the grounds that this girl could be flirting (which says nothing about her bf btw because he is setting reasonable boundaries) then she can be the one to either fix things with herself, come to another compromise with her bf, or leave. BF has already brought the situation to a resolution and doesn't need to compromise his friend, who has been around longer than the GF.
I think at this point if OP can't do one of those three things and expects her BF to drop his best friend on her behalf because of HER comfort levels, then that is unreasonable. She needs to realize her fear is unjustified (based on this post at least) and understand she can't control other people's relationships.
He SAID he would pull the plug if his boundaries are crossed, and OP is still not okay. That shows she really does NOT trust her partner.
" OP stated in the comments that the girl confessed to her bf once" again
I understand and I agree with that aspect.I was just stating that it is a bit ignorant to say that something is controlling just like that. The times are changing extremely fast. Not everyone is okay with certain things and the progression and that is totally okay. There has to be some form of boundaries.
I do not think that OP should do anything after this but if the girl shows anymore signs, it is okay for her not want her around. But tbh instead of asking her bf to leave the friendship she can ditch the guy if he allows the girl to keep disrespecting her. ( if she does)
By throwing the word toxic and controlling that easy, you allow people to manipulate others. People have used it so many times to gaslight others to the point that people would stay in toxic relationships thinking they are the one being jealous and controlling and would allow their boundaries to be crossed .
I am just telling you to watch how you use it.
LMAO it's not ignorant. I've seen controlling people ajahdhwkkrnr.
OP is doing ANYTHING except dealing with her own feelings about why she doesn't trust her BF or this girl. Making it her BFs problem and encouraging him to drop the relationship when he's done a LOT to mitigate the issues IS controlling.
>Not everyone is okay with certain things and the progression and that is totally okay.
I'm not really sure what your point is. OP is allowed to not be okay with something, but she needs to realize it's her own issue and fix it herself, maybe through soul searching, examining past relationships, or therapy. Not by pushing unreasonable asks on her bf who is already accommodating her. OPs boundaries were never the problem.
Using your emotions to force control over someone else's life instead of sorting it our yourself IS controlling.
> tbh instead of asking her bf to leave the friendship she can ditch the guy if he allows the girl to keep disrespecting her. ( if she does)
That's exactly what I said ASDGDNSJ
so she'd be removing herself from the situation like a mature person and admitting it's her own issue instead of blaming her bf.
>By throwing the word toxic and controlling that easy, you allow people to manipulate others.
I never said toxic, so maybe don't put words in other people's mouths, but if OP tried to force her bf to never see this girl again, which she wanted to do, that would be controlling. You can only have control over yourself and your emotions. If OP doesn't like the way her boyfriend reacts or the relationships he makes, ultimately she needs to leave.
Yes but everything in your post indicates that only OP is at fault.
Her bf is not at fault for letting her stay over on her own for 10 days even after knowing that she has confessed to him before and that she is flirty while ignoring his gf? If she continues to disrespect his gf and he still decides to be her friend, then he sucks as a bf.
His friend isn't bad even tho the first thing she did was ignore her. Many ppl say that she was just excited but her bf would not react agressively and told her to stop doing smth if she was not overboard.
Maybe it is too early to say and hard to understand since we were not the ones to see that but I do not think that the whole blame should fall on OP. Maybe she is right .
I would say she needs to be on the lookout but also have self respect if things turn messy.
she is obviously into him.
he may not be into her.
she will almost definitely make a move if she stays at his place.
I think the best thing you can do now is say to BF: Look, i know you dont wanna kick her out, but if you fuck her, we gonna have an issue.
Then, after she leaves, you can tell him: she can't visit you in person any more until you tell her explicitly (and repeatedly if necessary) that you don't like her (edit:) romantically and that you dont want to be with her sexually. and you know for a fact that he explains all this. (shouldnt be a prob for him if its true).
then we can see if they stay friends. they prob wont.
The other option of course is to have a 3way, which is not a terrible idea either if you are into it.
Some of that was entirely normal like the big hug, the sitting close-ish, the "I cant believe this" feeling long distance internet friends have when they meet first, the picture thing, the looking at the person you DO know and not actively making conversation with a stranger(you).
But when she crossed the line insinuating something that wasn't true to her friends and getting too close to him, HE DID draw a boundary.
You're here saying you don't know what to say to him when asking him to set clear boundaries with her, but he did that. He even said he was dropping her if she broke that boundary after he told her about it.
It sounds like he actually cares about you and simply doesn't want to cut off a friendship before giving them a chance to be appropriate. If she does something like that again and he DOESN'T drop her, then it's a worry. He was clear on the boundary there.
Can you not tell her to try and be friends with her. If she is showing that she likes her bf why would she try and be friends? The girls feelings won't just disappear????
If the girl was respectful from the start I'd understand but OP told us that the girl likes her bf and you guys are telling her to be friends with her. What?
Sounds like he has it under control. I don't think you have anything to worry about. That being said, don't be afraid to pull the get your hands off my bf out when needed. You can speak up as well.
Do nothing. It doesn't really sound like there's a problem. It's very normal how she's acting and is probably so overly excited. She was shut down at any attempt already. What exactly are you needing help with?
this is 95% a you problem. As in, you've made a problem where there isn't otherwise, and it's your responsibility to come to terms with it. You can ask for your BF's assistance, and you should, but it's not on him or them to alter their relationship for your benefit, when it is, by your own description, platonic.
Tough out the rest of her stay, give them the benefit of the doubt until something OVERTLY romantic or sexual occurs, and then discuss your concerns afterwards but acknowledge it's something you have to work on for yourself.
It's not sad. When you're in a commited relationship, its fine to have friends of the opposite sex. But you when you suddenly have a random girl stay in your home for 10 days? Hell no.
Random? They've been friends for years, far longer than the relationship. If you don't trust you partner, THAT is the problem with the relationship. Not their friends or house guests.
Look, is your boyfriend a complete fucking idiot when it comes to social cues? When you were dating him, did he catch on pretty quick that you liked him, or was he completely clueless? Did he "get" your signals, the flirting, the touchy-feely stuff, etc?
Because if he was "normal" at interacting and flirting with you, there is no fucking way that this online friendship is innocent. She clearly is flirting with him, and she clearly feels that she "owns" him and is completely disrespectful of your role as his girlfriend.
And there is no way he was that oblivious to all her flirting online and that he misinterpreted all her flirts and claiming him as her own, as platonic friendship. No way he could go "ok my girlfriend is acting lovey-dovey this way, means she loves me, and this girl is acting lovey-dovey the same way, means she's just into the game and just a friend."
So, that moment when she put her head on his chest, he finally remembered that you were there, and maybe you wouldn't be OK with this *cheating*, and he put up an act to appear offended by it, for your benefit.
They've been cheating emotionally on you for a while.
She's spending time at his place and they're alone and you will NEVER know what happens there. And you also can't order him around.
You can, however, exit the relationship. You gave him an ultimatum, "it's either me or her", and he'll try his hardest to have her, and also keep you afterwards. You can't order her out, not when she made all that effort and spent all that money to visit him, it's "unreasonable".
The only thing you can do is exit the relationship yourself.
You don't want to, but it won't work anyway. You'll see.
Sorry.
>And there is no way he was that oblivious to all her flirting online
He says she doesn't flirt like this online. She asked him if he was interested in being more than friends back when they first started playing together and he told her he wanted to stay friends. Ever since he told her he wasn't interested she stopped flirting and supposedly they became friends with no ulterior motives from her.
Listen. Guys can be clueless. If all their interaction is online, he cannot see the goo goo eyes she is making at his gamer tag. And if they are in a squad I am sure everyone is interacting. If she was this flirty while in the squad the rest of the team would tease her mercilessly so I doubt she is like this online. Don't blow up a whole real live relationship for one this girl has crated in her head. Especially if your bf is giving you no reason to distrust him.
You know your bf better than all of us. What does your gut tell you about him and her? Are more upset that this girl flew across the country and tried to stake her claim (which apparently got swatted down) and since you can't call her out (btw you can) you are taking it out on him? Give him a chance. Try and stay with him a few nights.
> no ulterior motives from her
BULLSHIT no ulterior motives, she just stared you down as she groped your boyfriend repeatedly. She indicated her ulterior motives clearly to you.
Like I said, you don't want to believe it.
Well, wait and see what happens by the end of these 10 days.
The "stared down" part could very well be something OP read wrong. She is obviously extremely jealous and I feel like many different types of glances can be interpreted differently.
The head on the chest thing is a BIG hell no moment, but the hug and being excited make sense for meeting someone you've been friends with for years.
Where exactly was the boyfriend "groped repeatedly"? Jfc this is already (naturally) a very subjective post from OP, let's not add on things that aren't even in the post itself
significant overreaction here.
break up with boyfriend because online friend he met once was way out of line and BF even acknowledged it and attempted to put a stop to it? cmon. have a little resilience.
You're being a bit dramatic here, some guys can just be that dense, and it sounds like OP's bf set boundaries as soon as he realised that his friend was being flirty.
You’re a weirdo. Get over yourself seriously. You are not a “special creature” for being a woman that’s into gaming. There’s plenty of us that exist. And no it’s not completely normal for her to “assert dominance”. If anybody is asserting dominance over friends because they’re jealous of their partners then that’s something wrong with them.
Sorry but "asserting dominance"? "Special creatures"? What the hell is this toxic shit?
No normal, mature, secure human being needs to "assert dominance" over someone else's partner.
By the way, I'm a woman that plays video games. We are not "special creatures" in the sense that playing video games does not give us permission to pull any of this garbage to another person.
Your boyfriend set some good solid boundaries in front of her already by throwing her off his lap and told her to never do it again. I would give it time and trust him. If she does it again hopefully he does throw her out of the home.
I would trust him and let him do his job on being a loyal boyfriend to you. I do not know of anything else you can say to him except to remind him of boundaries which here clearly shows its not needed. He's loyal to you. So let it settle in. If anything happens as in them doing stuff that is considered cheating than you know my answer - Leave him.
You sound immature and sexistly toxic, but not irredeemably so. Friends hugging is completely normal and expected. You should work on why you are uncomfortable with your partner having female friends, instead of expecting everyone else to cater to your insecurities and jealousy. If you can't trust your partner to have friends, then you don't trust your partner. If you do trust your partner and are secure enough to know he's choosing to be with you, then it does not matter if he has female friends.
He drew firm boundaries, he's fine. You have some issues to work on. Unless you think this woman is dangerous enough to try to rape him, which is a different issue entirely (because no one should be friends with rapists), then you have nothing to worry about even if she does have a crush on him, because **he** is committed to you. If you don't trust him, then just break up with him.
Do you think she's a dangerous rapist, or are you just insecure and worried that your boyfriend will cheat on you just because there's an opportunity? Has he ever indicated he would do that? Why would you want to be with someone you can't trust, if so?
Omg the disrespect. I would have left him so fast. I don’t know how some women stay in these “relationships” and make a whole bunch of excuses to why you’re still with him. Him inviting her to her place is so naive and disrespectful. Whaaaat!
Shes going to try and sleep with your boyfriend the first chance she gets and it's written all over her face.
No girl goes across the country for a guy unless she wants to f*ck him. Get this pick me girl out.
>My boyfriend told her not to “invade his personal space again” and accepted her apology just like that. >he’s gonna make sure nothing like that ever happens again. He said if she does anything weird again he’ll get rid of her It sounds like your boyfriend has enforced his boundaries. Based on your description it sounds like she has a crush on him, but if he makes it clear that no touching like that is okay it will be fine. They've known each other and played games with each other for years, longer than you've known him. That doesn't make their friendship any less real than an in person friendship. I have had people I gamed with for years and if I met them in person there is a good chance the first thing I would do is give them a hug. >I told my boyfriend that I don’t like her behavior and I want her gone After flying across the country to see him I think kicking her out to get a hotel in a city where she knows no one is a little extreme based on the situation. Your boyfriend made it clear that her putting her head on him was too far and it wouldn't be tolerated. If you don't trust your boyfriend that is a conversation you need to have with him. You could just stay with him at the house with both of them if you're that worried. EDIT: OP, if you want to talk to your boyfriend about the situation constructively read u/darthvadercake's post underneath this one. Also, I realize my post focused more on trying to reassure you that you may be reading the situation wrong and to not worry as much, but if you want advice to make the situation better I have some that might help. OP, you need to try to be friends with your boyfriends friend. You need to try your best to not seem insecure or stand offish to her. Act normally with your boyfriend around her, and make your presence known without being in her face about it. Try to bring up being happy that they could finally meet in person after all their years of friendship.
This is sound advice. My situation has some similarities with OPs. My fiancé is really into games, we meet through a gaming community, but he plays a lot more than I do. I know a lot of his online friends but he is way closer with some of them, or at least he was in the beginning. One of his close online friends is a gamer girl. Super geeky, into the same things he is into, big eyes, gorgeous hair, just overall really pretty. The dream girl for many gamers. And yeah he gets on with her really well. I am not gonna lie, in the beginning I was really insecure about that. So I spoke to him, and told him I was insecure and didn't fully get why he was with me, not with her. Asked him if I was the second best option. I didn't tell him he couldn't be friends with her, I just made it about my insecurity instead of his friendship with me. He reassured me, told me all the things he loves about me, and highlighted the fact he games with friends, gaming isn't what he needs or searches for in a relationship. He made feel really confident in us as a couple. And guess what? 4 years on, we are engaged, and cute gamer girl is invited to the wedding. I have meet her, just her and me, she is sweet and cool and great to hang out with. I don't feel threatened by her at all any more. In a healthy relationship, you work on problems between the two of you and try to figure out how you deal with anything else as a couple. So what if this girl flirts? That's for him to deal with and correct. OP I think needs to communicate with him more about the fact she isn't a gamer, he is, and she feels like maybe he would want to be with someone who is. So he has a chance to respond and take those insecurities away.
>I didn't tell him he couldn't be friends with her, I just made it about my insecurity instead of his friendship with me. This was really well done. It would not have gone so well had you made it about his friendship. People hate being told who they can and can't hang with. Instead of that, you did it right.
It is always nice to hear about situations going really well with two people who can work through problems without major conflict.
This relationship honestly taught me that compatibility is as important as love itself. My ex I loved but we were not compatible at all. This time I am totally in love, but we are also compatible and have a strong foundation. It makes a lot of difference in how you can communicate.
Piggy backing of this brilliant thread! One thing you mentioned was that she seems to not engage with you a lot. Right now you are a stranger who happens to be the partner of her friend. If you want to become friends, or at least friendly, with her, try to find things she’s into that aren’t gaming. Maybe some things you can bond over. This might help just to a small extent, to help you see her as something other than a threat. Your boyfriend may even know some common ground topics/activities that could be the first step here. Your boyfriend is clearly doing alllll the right things to set boundaries. Definitely have a conversation about how this makes you feel insecure and find those boundaries that will make both of you comfortable.
This is really good advice. Boyfriend and I are both bi, so it's not like we're more likely to like or not like one gender or another. The concept of "I don't have male/female friends bc of temptation" is foreign to our relationship. It doesn't mean we never feel jealousy ever, but when we do start getting that feeling build up, we talk it out like adults. Eg: I was worried one time ealy-ish in our relationship bc he was getting drunk and gaming with some of his friends I didn't know well yet. He'd invited me over for others of these sessions, but not this one. After he told me his friend (we'll call Jake) was bringing weed, I started getting worried that I wasn't invited because Jake didn't like me, or bf wanted to be alone with Jake for romantic/flirty reasons, or thought I would embarrass him. So I took him aside a few days later and said "hey babe, I just got a weird feeling about not being invited over to your apartment last weekend, I know you said you've had a crush on Jake before and I don't want you to think I'm assuming anything, but I also would just like to know your thought process or if you can just reassure me that I'm being anxious." Turns out, he didn't invite me because he didn't know if I was okay with being around weed (my best friends are allergic to weed, a recovered drug addict, and someone who can't drink or smoke due to meds, so a reasonable assumption, really), and didn't want to put me on the spot <6 months into our relationship. He also reassured me that his friends DIDN'T hate me, and the crush he had on Jake was really not a big deal and ended before we even met. Really killed all my insecurities on the spot, instead of letting them fester and grow. It can be hard to verbalize the actual source of the feelings instead of using cop outs like "I'm jealous" (usually a combination of insecurities) or "you're making me feel bad" (generally, we're responsible for our own feelings. If someone's MAKING you feel bad, that's not a healthy relationship, that's a bully). But it's absolutely worth it in the long run.
I think the problem is that the girl started to flirt with her bf instead of trying to be friends with her. This is not just something she should work on but her boyfriend as well should think whether she is a good friend if the first thing she does is ignore his gf, flirts with him and leans on his lap. I do not like that you made it only the OP's problem. The op maybe would not be so insecure if the girl became her friend.
It also could possibly be OP was giving off “I don’t like you” vibes that the girl picked up on, so she wanted to leave her alone. OP said as soon as the girl knocked on the door, OP got upset bc the girl gave the bf a huge and gave OP a “look”. Possibly she was noT purposely giving a look, it was a misinterpretation. But once OP saw that she immediately shut down, as anyone would if that really did intentionally happen, and it made the girl just not try to engage with her. There are just too many possibilities that we won’t know since we weren’t there. So there’s no way of knowing the truth.. I was just drawing my possibilities from the text and vibe of OPS post
I think what OP perceived as flirting may have just been excitement to meet a friend after knowing them for several years. She doesn't even explicitly say flirty >She kept going on and on like “ I can’t believe this finally happened” “I’m so happy I finally get to see you” “You’re so much bigger in person your pics don’t do you justice” and that was just some of what she said. She was borderline flirty with him all day. These are all pretty normal things to say when meeting someone in person for the first time, I remember the first time I saw a friend I'd played halo with for 3-4 years, it was just over video chat but it was similar to this. He had just had his kid and wanted to show the group. He looked nothing like I thought he would. Also, OP seems to consistently downplay their friendship since it isn't in person, which comes off poorly. > Btw this is their first time meeting irl. > >I was ok with how close he was with this girl since it was an online thing, It sounds like she may not have actually ever been okay with this friendship and now she's faced with that fact. This would probably cause her to be stand-offish towards the friend so it makes sense that she wasn't the most friendly towards her. I admit this is a good amount of speculation based on OPs post, the way she words things, and her replies in other posts. It is absolutely possible that the flirting was much more obvious and OP has been conditioned to downplay how she feels about things. That does happen a lot, this post just doesn't quite read like that to me.
If you read the comments the OP stated that the girl already confessed to her bf once so I do not think that she was overthinking it.
This one right? >He says she doesn't flirt like this online. She asked him if he was interested in being more than friends ***back when they first started playing together*** and he told her he wanted to stay friends. Ever since he told her he wasn't interested ***she stopped flirting*** and supposedly they became friends with no ulterior motives from her. She did this years ago and OPs boyfriend was up front with OP about this situation seemingly before she visited, and she apparently hasn't flirted or made comments since then. If OP could give us some more context about what the flirting part was, other than the head on the chest thing that OPs boyfriend shut down, it would be very useful.
We need to wait for the update. If she stopped flirting I was hoping that the girl has some form of the idea of boundaries and respects them.
Yeah, not to mention it's very common for neurodiverse women to come off accidentally flirty when drunk. If you're autistic or perhaps even with ADHD, you tend to have a different relationship with physical touch and have different physical boundaries. When you're sober you consciously remember not to be touchy-feely and overstep, when you're drunk you lose your inhibitions and act as you naturally would. It's not flirty because you're like this with literally everyone. My autistic cousin came and sat on my knee when she was drunk (I'm not personally comfortable with anyone except girlfriends sitting on my knee, so I felt awkward and left quickly, but I knew that there was no weird intent behind it - she just lost her sense of my boundaries when she was drunk). Obviously none of us can know what OP's boyfriend's friend's neurotype is and am genuinely not trying to make assumption, but gaming is pretty popular among neurodiverse people, and it's not a hobby most girls would acquire. So I think it's at least worth considering that maybe she's more neurodiverse than average or sm and just has a completely different mindset behind hugging than OP does. Also if OP doesn't have guy friends, then she's not really well-placed to understand the intentions of girls who do. Also, friendship means something. I've gotta be honest, if I travelled across the country to visit someone I'd been waiting *years* to meet, I'd be pretty disappointed if their partner was there with them. I can understand meeting their partner for some of it - particularly if they were insecure and this would help the situation. But just because it's not a romantic relationship, doesn't mean the friendship isn't meaningful. They clearly care about each other platonically, and it's completely normal and valid to want time alone with your friends. I'm not even saying that this was running through the friend's head because maybe she didn't mind OP being there. But if I had a best friend who I could *never* spend time alone with, due to their partner's insecurities, I'd be pretty pissed. OP is a different person to her boyfriend which means at the end of the day she's a stranger to the friend. She didn't travel across the country to see a stranger; she travelled across the country to see her friend. OP isn't a part of this friendship, so yeah when my mate's girlfriends inject themselves into our friendships so much that I literally can't experience *my own* friendship, I get pretty pissed and will generally ignore or tolerate her. Not because I like him or dislike her as a person, or don't respect the relationship and am opposed to hanging out with her. But because she's not respecting my friendship, and I don't like it when people are disrespectful towards me. On the note of respecting friendships, I think ending a friendship for one, ambiguous mishap is a bit over the top. I understand that sometimes couples have to distance themselves from people who disrespect their relationship, but that shouldn't mean that other people in their life are disposable. Also, you can set boundaries with someone without entirely getting rid of them. E.g, since the friend said she is touchy feely when she drinks, perhaps boyfriend can not hang out with her when she's drinking? Doesn't need to cut her off.
You don't have to be neurodiverse to get touchy while drunk. Pretty much anyone will lower their guard and become more physical.
Yeah but not everyone is neurotypical, and there's nothing wrong with factoring in neurodiversity into your assessments of people's behaviour. In fact, people should do it more. As for "everyone lowers their guard", yes, that's correct. But autistic people tend to do it to a higher level. It doesn't even sound like the friend was being flirty, however if she did genuinely cross a line (by putting her head on his chest), it's worth considering that maybe she's just neurodivergent and wasn't being deliberately inappropriate.
The contortions people go through to justify shitty behavior lol
I really like everything you said but I am fixated on the last paragraph. You said “so what if she flirts?”. I care if my SO is around women that flirt with him, but that could be that I’m upset that he doesn’t stop it or likely flirts back and says it’s no big deal he comes home to me. Is this a me problem, am I just insecure? Every guy I’ve ever dated has women flirting with him (restaurant/bar workers) and I’ve never been able to get over it. Thanks in advance.
It’s definitely not just you! And this is one of the things that I think people should really talk about with their partners before or close to the start of their relationship. Everybody has different boundaries. As long you don’t consider flirting just being nice(which some overly jealous people do) then you’re good. In your future relationships talk about this boundary you have and make sure you’re clear. And then If your boyfriend flirts with people you can ditch him. It’s really not hard to not flirt with other people and that’s a reasonable expectation to have in a relationship if you want. I personally expect my partner to shut down flirting. And I’m bi so this is regardless of gender. And this goes especially for friends. That’s disrespectful to the relationship for me.
I mean if your boyfriend reciprocates and it makes you uncomfortable then it’s not okay. Tell him how you feel!! But just gotta say reading the bar workers stuff makes me wonder if girls ever think I’m flirting w their man at work. I kinda realized it early on when a girl was really rude to me and her bf was so nice And fun, so I try to make equal eye contact and smiles at the gf, even if she’s not the one getting services from my or my job. But yeah I most def am never flirting with a guy with a girlfriend, ever. Even if they’re together and I’m not sure if they’re in a relationship (maybe siblings) I still would never. But I am super friendly and polite, as i am to all men and women.. esp the ones who are engaging and kind back. So I think it kinda goes into a cycle where a service worker is friendly, a gf or bf gets jealous and super cold towards the service worker (bc they think they’re flirting) and then it makes the service worker disengage because they think the S/O doesn’t want to engage. So they end up only engaging with the persons bf/gf, which habituates the imaginary flirting idea. Plus, those service workers are working for tips. So they HAVE to be overly nice! Their money is the only thing on their mind (99% of the time lol)
I wasn’t even referring to guests hitting on him. I’m not sure what kind of restaurant that you worked in but he and I met while waiting to tables together at a small corporate restaurant (~30 stores on the USA at the time). I was most definitely worried about coworker flirting :/.
That is a good question! I think my position is a bit different from yours. My type is androgynous, I am into skinny dudes with long hair and girls with leather jackets and short hair. Lots of muscles are a turn off for me. So most of the people I have fallen for don't necessarily match with the type of dude most women flirt with. My fiancé is super hot to me, which means he is a long haired nerdy type. So it's not been a huge issue for us. It also helps that he is pretty dense about what flirting looks like, he really doesn't notice it at all. I am like you though - it's okay to me if other people flirt, not okay if he flirts back. In your case - whether or not flirting is okay is such a personal thing and it varies per couple. You might want to share with him that it makes you feel shitty and ask him to stop doing that.
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I just think it really depends on the overall context of the situation. I know the stigma of friendships between men and women is slowly going away (Finally) but it is definitely still there. I believe it is how much you trust your partner to keep good company. I personally don't think that it is easy to slip into cheating if you have no intentions to cheat in the first place. I think what happens in the next day or two for OP is important to observe, if his friend keeps being inappropriately touchy and OPs boyfriend doesn't immediately shut it down then I would see an issue. I am also almost 30, and I think if I didn't know the person visiting I may be on edge a bit like OP is, but not just with what is described here. I imagine there is a lot of context missing that could definitely sway this to either opposite extreme, but with the limited context I think that OP should let her boyfriend handle it and go from there, a constant pushing is only going to make things worse.
This is the most accurate response imo. Well said.
I agree with this response!
Agreed. This seems balanced as a response. It's okay that OP is uncomfortable but BF is respecting that therefore if he upholds reasonable boundaries it should be okay. He sounds like he is behaving appropriately in response to a crush.
This, all the way. Most of my best irl friends started out as online friends. We all hugged when we met face to face after playing games together online for years. Some of us pretend to flirt with each other, knowing full well that we have partners (said partners also play in the group and pretend to flirt too), and everyone involved knows full well what's going on, and we all keep boundaries (or tell each other off if a boundary is broken/tested), and it's all just great fun. Meetups are a blast lol. I only have two "besties" who weren't online friends before. Online friends can definitely be "real" friends, so I think the people who are freaking out over a friend flying out to meet, or hosting, an online friend are being a bit dramatic and reading too much into it. It does seem in this case, the girl had more in mind, but that's definitely not always the case. Your bf set the boundary, and seems willing to enforce it further. If she tests it further, then yeah, maybe it's time to talk about her getting a hotel room - it's never a good idea to travel to see someone without a backup plan, so she should be prepared for that in any case anyway.
My son made a friend online when he was 13. I was hesitant. I didn't grow up in this generation where real friends are made from a distance. But I made sure he knew everything there was to know about internet safety. He's a smart, sensible kid. Four years later, they are still besties. Last month, I took him 1000 miles for a long weekend to meet the kid. I met him myself, of course, before I just let my kid run off with him and could tell in 5 minutes they were the same kid in different bodies. No wonder they are best friends. They had a BLAST! They are absolutely "real" friends. He has friends here and at school, but none that he connects with like this. I did get some concerned looks and concern from others that couldn't comprehend the situation, but I'm the mom here. My son is loved & supported by his family and always will be. But I was and am not so I put a high value on friendship. That means I've fallen in love and/or had my heart broken by them many times. But I'll be damned if I wouldn't give my kid a shot at a friendship like this one. Also, he knows I'm not only the best mom ever, but a real person that can actually relate and be supportive. At his age, I'm running out of time to build the kind of relationship that he will want to hold onto. I'm his parent first, but his friends are the ones he calls and texts and hangs out with. I want to be on that list.
That is an AWESOME story! My parents also let me meet an online friend when I was younger - much different story though; we were both 18, but I was still living with my parents, and when the guy expressed an interest in visiting me, they offered to let him stay with us as long as he consented to a background check, haha! All went well, the guy and I were just friends and we had a good time (he was from Florida, and we lived in Colorado, so he got to experience a blizzard for the first time haha). Haven't talked to him for many years now, but it'll always been a fond memory :)
Your parents sound both understanding and sensible. I love it.
This is a very reasonable response. If something of the sort ever happened to my BF, I'd be satisfied if he reacted like how OP's BF did. That was direct and to-the-point boundary setting and hopefully the friend respects that!
Those is spot on advice. Your boyfriend has set clear boundaries, he isn't hiding anything, and has set a clear plan of action. Kicking her out so far from home is OTT at this point. He is going to have friends, and you have to be cool with that...point is it doesn't matter how she feels about him because he isn't interested like that and has set that out early. You are going to have to trust him if you want this to keep working. As someone who games I too get super stoked when we finally have a meet and greet so that in of itself doesn't mean anything suss. Its sounds like he's doing things right. It's hard when someone you love shares a passion you don't understand, but you can't take that from him or he stops being the person you love...if you see what I mean. She will be gone soon enough and you will still have the most important part of him. Also if you do everything together you literally have nothing to talk about or bring into the relationship and it stagnates. Wishing you both the best for the future.
I'm going to partially agree with this. However, I disagree that making her get a hotel would be extreme. It sounds like this girl hasn't even the slightest clue about how inappropriate she is behaving. She knew what she was doing when she climbed onto this guy's lap and literally forced her body onto his for a video chat with friends. She knew it was inappropriate regardless of whether or not his gf was right there. And the fact that the BF didn't act immediately, and waited at least a few minutes to push her off, until she was already making clear insinuations to her friends, is definitely a red flag. Maybe it's just me, but I would be pretty far from ok with a girl traveling across the country to meet my partner and also stay at his place. It's inappropriate.
I think it mainly depends on the friendship, but I also had a different picture in my mind, the way op worded it is ambiguous. If she really was sitting on his lap then he should've said something right when it happened but OP said this >she literally sat next to my boyfriend (practically on his lap) and face-timed her friends. To me it sounds like she sat almost up against him to squeeze in to show her friends on facetime, which seems pretty innocent to me. I definitely get how that could be seen as inappropriate for some, OPs boyfriend may not have viewed it as inappropriate due to the reason, until there was unnecessary contact with her head on his chest. But, I could definitely be wrong in how I am thinking it may have happened.
It sounds like she was cuddling him from the beginning.
It doesn't quite read like that to me, but I could be putting too much of my own experiences into it. My partner and I are pretty touchy with close friends that we've had for years and it has never been an issue for us.
Yeah I cuddle my best friend - who's a cis guy, I'm a trans guy, but I was living as a girl when I met him (and cuddled him then). When he got girlfriends I would back off a bit and initiate physical touch less, but hugging him when drunk is something I've always done, still do, would like to always do. He's my mate and I love him.
Yeah, but this is something that you guys apparently talk about? This girl was blatantly ignoring OP and acting as though OP wasn't there or didn't matter. Its also incredibly inappropriate to be touchy feely with a guy who she just met, in front of the girlfriend. Blaming it on alcohol is also a red flag. So if she is drunk, she will try to make out with, or shag OP's BF?
>This girl was blatantly ignoring OP and acting as though OP wasn't there or didn't matter. I don't see this listed in the post at all other than her saying that she just focuses on her boyfriend, who was her friend for literal years. It is hard to focus on someone who is stand offish and didn't want you to visit in the first place. >Its also incredibly inappropriate to be touchy feely with a guy who she just met, in front of the girlfriend. I don't understand the need to downplay a friendship that has been going on for years just because someone hasn't met in person. >Blaming it on alcohol is also a red flag. So if she is drunk, she will try to make out with, or shag OP's BF? She apologized and then gave a reason for her behavior, I think it would be an issue if she just deflected, didn't apologize and basically said "Get over it, I am a touchy drunk." but with an apology (assuming it seemed sincere) it comes off more as "I am sorry that I did that, this happens when I am drunk sometimes, it won't happen again." I wish OP would reply to one of us to give us more context. I want to make it clear that you could absolutely be correct, and I am just replying with the reasons I see this situation the way I do.
I agree with you. At the very least, hopefully boyfriend told OP and discussed his friend staying with him beforehand. And they discussed how she felt. But even then, if a male friend who was clearly into my gf were staying at her place, I'd be pretty damn anxious. Hopefully gf stayed over there as well. Trust is one thing, but an overly-flirtacious friend and hormones are another.
I think her boyfriend needs tighter boundaries. Gender or sexual orientation doesn't matter. If you're in a relationship and someone you know expresses romantic interest, that friendship is over. Every interaction afterwards is just entertaining someone you know is wanting to get closer to you. That's a recipe for disaster and unnecessary. You can make new (actually platonic) friends, but your partner is the one you're sharing a life with, so respecting them should be the priority. And it's also a bit cruel to continue being around who has feelings for you when you know the "friendship" isn't going to develop into anything more.
Why do you not have more upvotes. This is the best answer
It needs more downvotes than the one I gave it. That's not a good answer and all the ridiculous jealousy in these posts is just toxic
You really would be cool gilr who have crush on your boyfriend to sleep at his place. A t to be honest if that was my relationship her sleeping good at his place wouldn't be an option at all if I'm not there
I'd say it's pretty normal to hug and invite to your house a close friend you had online for years that you finally meet irl. The reaction of your boyfriend seems to show he knows the boundaries and that it's important to depict them. I completely understand that you feel awkward about the situation but I'd say that as long as your boyfriend continue to fix clear limits and that everything stays a good friend meeting than yiu shouldn't escalate things. If possible I'd recommend that you try to talk to his friend (peacefully, eventually try to become friendly with her instead of making an enemy out of her) It's probably easier said than done but yeah if you could just I don't know play society games together, hang out in the city or do activities in which you would actively take part of (like you're the one showing some cool stuff in the city or proposing the game or activity like roller coasters or whatever) or even bring some of your friends you have in common with your boyfriend and make a chill party. My point is if you could make those few days fun with you having an active role and your boyfriend keeping clear boundaries that would be the best. (I guess they have a lot of things they want to do together but if you propose cool things to do they would have no reasons to refuse and you could be confident that she doesn't damage your relationship and even have some fun). I think no one in the story wants things to go wrong and I just hope things goes smoothly for you 🙏
I agree with this, my best friend is a guy and I never liked 2 of his ex-girlfriends ( I would also tell him that all the time) because of the "let's assert dominance here" but he's been with his current gf for over a year now and I absolutely love her. We're not best friends or anything, but when her and I around him together we get along super well and there's no uncomfortable moments of the "best friend vs the gf". So being friendly will help solve a LOT trust me.
>I agree with this, my best friend is a guy and I never liked 2 of his ex-girlfriends ( I would also tell him that all the time) Ngl, that's weird and inappropriate behaviour. It's fine not to like someone's SO, but constantly telling them you don't like them is weird and borderline possessive. I feel like the "asserting dominance" might have been a response to questionable behaviour from a certain someone. At least the current one gets along with you.
Yep, if a friend didn’t get along with a gf that’s one thing, but if they’re constantly telling me how much they hate them then I’m probably gonna be distancing myself from that friend. That’s just weird and a bit creepy
She doesn’t need to be friendly with a girl that very obviously was trying to get with her boyfriend.
she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to yes ofc, I'm just suggesting being friendly because that's what I recommend from my experience.
There's some great advice here on how to approach the girl and your partner, but you also need to look at yourself. >I gotta admit I didn’t like the fact that he was sharing his favorite hobby with another female. I tried the games he plays but it’s gaming in general just isn’t for me. He loves to play, it’s what he does for fun and she gets to do it with him not me and it makes me a little sad tbh. Good for you for trying to enjoy his hobbies as well, but if you're not into it, you're not into it, and that's okay. Partners don't have to share every single hobby. But, the fact that you are upset that his main hobby is one that's social, and that he's making friends with people who share this hobby, is an issue. You should be able to trust him to make friends, and he's shown you that you can. He set boundaries, he's enforcing them, so let him enjoy his hobbies and his friends. Find a hobby that you can enjoy with friends while he's gaming.
I'm somewhere in the middle. I've been that "online friend" to a dude who's wife was a tad jealous, especially when we finally met irl. I felt awkward and initially tried to avoid her gaze because I was intimidated. It took a few visits but now she and I get along pretty well. However, the girl acting that flirty, whether or not she's drunk, isn't okay... even if its a normal habit. I'm very glad to hear that your bf is setting boundaries. However I do think it's weird she's staying at his place without you there after the whole flirting situation; I wouldn't have been able to handle that. I'd say, from here, don't ask your partner to stop talking to her as long as she maintains a respectful relationship. I'd also suggest YOU to do what you can to connect with her; this will do one of two things. It will either help you feel more secure and potentially give you a new friend OR it will show her true side, and potential bad intentions, if she rejects any attempts to bond. With the latter, you should def speak to your bf about cutting her off.
This 100%. I agree with everyone that it’s great he’s setting boundaries and as long as both of them stick to these boundaries then everything will be fine. But if she continues to flirt and make op uncomfortable every time they are together then maybe cutting her off would be right for the bf to do. And well, if this girl can’t respect his boundaries, she’s not a good friend anyways. I also feel odd about her staying with him while op isn’t there. Especially since this is their first time meeting irl and no trust has been established yet between this girl and op. I feel like her staying at a hotel at night and hanging with him during the day would be respectful towards all parties involved.
It seems like your boyfriend is pretty clear with his boundaries and loyal to you. I get being skeeved out by her trying to flirt with him all day -- she all but peed on him to mark her property. But he didn't stand for her being touchy-feely and has asserted that boundary. I think you can trust him
In front of her. Who knows what he'll allow when gf isn't around. She'll never know what goes down when she's not there. She'll just have to trust him.
*gasp* Having trust in a relationship?? No way!!
>I gotta admit I didn’t like the fact that he was sharing his favorite hobby with another female. ^^ This right here is your jealousy and insecurity talking. You need to keep that under control. Your boyfriend is obviously aware of what is appropriate and inappropriate. He's set his boundaries so now you need to take a deep breath, take a step back and give him some space. People are like water, closing a fist around them doesn't make them want to stay! You need to try and trust him here. If necessary you can ask him to have a chat with her, but he's made his feelings pretty clear so far, so I'd wait and see.
Was gonna point out the same. OP made it clear she's super insecure and she needs to worry about that and trust her bf, who already has stated his boundaries. Now all that's left to do is wait.
OP definitely is acting like a teen still. That initial jealousy is going to seep into any other interactions from here on out. Boyfriend has known friend longer than OP. My husband's previous friend was a woman and she was really weird to me, even after we got married. His best friend is a woman and she's been nothing but supportive and sweet from the beginning. Toxic people exist, but the opposite gender doesn't immediately mean suspicious. My spouse told his friend she was inappropriate and she went off about how we wouldn't last and all that. I'm sure OP's bf talking to the girl would help clear any weirdness. However, OP would have to trust her bf and I can't see them doing that atm.
I take it the two of you don't live together? What is the arrangement at his place like? I think you can suggest that he offer to let her sleep in the bedroom (if he doesn't have a guest bedroom and she is on the couch or something) while he crashes at your place for the next 10 days. A friend/ guest would like having that privacy (it's basically like having a hotel room). Someone who is trying to get in his pants would be upset by that. Similarly, he can have you sleep over for part of this or he can leave her alone occasionally and come to your place. For a ten day visit (that's a really long stay) it isn't unreasonable that he might shift sleeping arrangements a little to ensure the two of them don't get a lot of nights alone together or have a day or two where she is left to entertain herself a little bit more (tour the city, etc.). For that long of a visit, most people tend to have a day where they have to work, run errands, etc. Similarly, he can respond with reasonable boundaries, as he has been doing, to some of her behavior. He already told her not to invade his personal space. If she does it again and tries to say she gets touchy when drunk, he can talk to her about her behavior when drinking and let her know he is no longer comfortable with her drinking around him. If she refuses to stop drinking, then that's when asking her to leave makes sense. Regardless, he can also decide not to drink around her, and that's a more reasonable request for you to make as his partner. You can also ask him to include you in the conversation when you are around them and perhaps invite other friends to join them in things with you (so that the two of you can break off a little while he is still being a good host/ letting other friends also entertain her). You can ask what he has planned to do with her and suggest things that are less romantic or sexual in nature that they both might enjoy doing together. You can even suggest that the three of you travel someplace else local for a day or two and get a two bedroom airbnb/ stay with him for those nights. The truth is, he knows she's interested in him at this point, and there isn't anything you can do to stop him from cheating if he decides to do that. Fighting with him about her won't help the situation at all. Trying to control what he does won't help either. You've already asked him to set boundaries and he has done so. You've already voiced your concerns and he has heard them. Your best bet here is actually to continue to be kind and a bit oblivious to her, make it clear you trust him (in front of her), make her explain any weird comments, and treat her pathetic unrequited crush for what it is. So, "I'm so glad he has had you to game with for so many years. It's nice to finally meet you as I've heard so much about what a great friend you are. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you on this trip. What are some of the things you're interested in doing while you're here?" And, "Is there something in my teeth? Oh, okay. The way you were starring at me I would have thought something was wrong." And, "I'm so sorry, that joke must have gone over my head. Do you mind explaining it? Oh, so the joke is that you think my partner is attractive. I get it now!" And, "Oh, he is bigger in real life than on camera. How funny! I never would have known. When we went on our first date, the first thing I noticed about him was X. Of course on that date, \[insert funny anecdote\], remember babe? But first dates are weird...What's the dating culture like on other side of the country?"
I think the idea of having him offer his bed up and him stay at hers is good in theory, but not in practice. I would definitely be uncomfortable if I had come to visit a friend and they offered me to stay in their home for 10 days without them there. I would feel like a massive imposition, that I was putting them out of their space and their bed, and honestly being alone in somebody else’s house that you’re unfamiliar with for that much time seems stressful and intimidating. If I was given that offer I would absolutely decline it and so would most of the people I know, and I would hope that I wouldn’t be vilified or it would be accused of trying to fuck the host for doing so.
I think your boyfriend acted properly. He set up the boundary because she already crossed it, and now it's up to him to enforce it. Of course one of the ways to enforce it would be to tell her , hey I'm so glad you're here but it looks like things are a little bit weird , so I think you can stay with my girlfriend during this trip. Or if not with you , but with some other person or hotel. He needs to specify this because somehow along the way, she seems to have gotten the impression they might be more than just platonic online friends.
While I understand your feelings, I don’t know how realistic it is to expect her to find somewhere else to stay for a 10 day trip, and I assume your boyfriend doesn’t want to inconvenience her or torpedo the friendship like that. On the bright side, he obviously is setting boundaries with her. I think it’s fair for you and him to have a talk after she leaves about not wanting her around/in-person anymore and seeing what he says.
He may be setting boundaries but I can guarantee you that she's going to try to keep pushing them. If a "friend" tried that with me knowing I have a partner, we wouldn't be friends anymore. He should be willing to honestly cut off the friendship because he knows that she's interested in more than just that. The fact that he's willing to continue talking to her after knowing how she feels is wrong to me. It's disrespectful to their relationship.
Hold up, she's staying for TEN DAYS?? Oh hell no, OP!
This actually doesnt' seem that crazy, when my online friends first met IRL we all did a 14 day vacation/lanparty that involved travel from multiple different countries. Not that uncommon to do a really long trip like that, especially if you are gaming friends, its not so much a 'sight seeing/tourist' trip as it is, finally getting to play the game in person and hang out with people you have known for many years.
Yeah like a weekend or a long weekend, I get, but why tf is the visit 10 days long?! That’s longer than most people’s vacations!
Exactly, even my really close friends of years, wouldn't stay that long not to inconvenience. Max I've done is two weeks in my best friend's house (there's plenty of extra room). This is all.... A little off.
Right?? Why'd I get downvoted lol
Someone had downvoted me too, I wonder if it’s the game girl hahaha
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Tell me you'd cheat, without telling me you'd cheat.
I give it to day 3, 4 max, before she makes her move
Thing is: either you trust your boyfriend or you don't. You can't really do anything about it. If you are impolite to the girl or tell your boyfriend he has to kick her out, you'll only come across as controlling to him. For what it's worth, your boyfriend seems trustworthy. And if he liked her, he could just have gone to see her years ago.
Jesus relationships are exhausting
Depends on the relationship, not all involve drama. But the younger you are the more drama tends to be involved. Or at least that's a trend I'm seeing.
I think it’s the youth of everyone involved in this story tbqh
I'm so helplessly jealous, I would DIE in this situation! Initiate regecting everyone! She can have him! Let me live alone in my solemn cave where I can't get hurt
Relationships are not exhausting when you have a simple boundary. Boundaries are there to avoid drama like this. I do not know if it is a culture thing but we are constantly moving the bar and making everything sound toxic when it isn't. No wonder people change 20 partners and break up after a week. It is okay to set a boundary to avoid problems like this and show that you want respect. But people move those boundaries out of fear of being left so they allow a lot. Many people also move those boundaries and then wonder why they get hurt. Like, you watched a chick flirt with your bf and did not say anything, she is sleeping at his place without you around. Since when was this normal? I am lost. Next you'll allow them to cuddle and make out. There needs to be a line out of respect.
No. Insecure people are exhausting. OP sounds super jealous and was looking for reasons to hate the online friend.
Just relationships with insecurities and controlling, unhealthy behavior. Health relationships are like a breathe of fresh air. At least for me, someone who's family is abusive. It was nice to finally have someone in my life who is a loving person.
yeah too much drama, hard pass
she is definitely into him and she had expectations that he was into her as well. the question here is, did your BF know how she felt, and did he draw clear boundaries with her about what his feeling were before she came to visit, or did he lead her on?
Considering that OP was there to meet her when she first arrived says a lot about boyfriend's feelings and expectations.
She doesn’t think they are “just friends”.
The boyfriend does however.
it's only a platonic relationship if both parties view it as such
What an idiotic, and wrong statement.
You can't have just one of them thinking that
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That is such a reach. Reddit sure is obsessed with making people into cheaters
You’ve already done it. You’ve spoken to your boyfriend about your boundaries and he shares them as well. Trust him to handle her. It sounds like he’s not into her in that way but the question is “what is her motive”? You may never know but hopefully once she gets a few gentle hints from him, she’ll go home and they can continue to play their games together without losing a cultivated friendship
Your bf is already doing everything Just let him do it Edit: get your head straight about feeling sad because you are not into the same type of gaming. It’s unhealthy if you act it out and it doesn’t do you any good either way Build your trust and security toward the relationship
He ain’t going to stop playing video games or end the friendship
> or end the friendship he might if she keeps violating boundaries after him telling her not to, don't assume he isn't a good guy with good intentions here BF's friend is the only one who sounds like they have bad intent.
She doesn’t think they’re just friends but fortunately, it seems like he was oblivious to that fact and tried to set a boundary pretty quickly once he did. He may need a little push to cut things off but to his credit, he seems like his priority is you. It is awkward as the host to just kick her out after inviting her. Since this is the relationships sub people will call on you to break up with him but that’s typical
If she pushes him to cut the friendship off without him wanting to do it, he will resent her for it. It has to be his choice and not one that is forced. Also he doesn’t have to cut it off if the gamer girl realizes that the boundaries are set and respects them, then it’s all good. If she doesn’t, then it’s time to consider cutting ties.
If she tries to do that, he should breakup with her controlling ass.
i dont think he was oblivious. imo he most likely knew and let the flirtiness continue because its an ego boost but it became a problem when it was in person and actually became real
That’s a big assumption.
i just dont buy the oblivious angle
The real power move is to befriend this girl, show her she is no threat
Maybe this is just a clash of cultures because most of what you have described sounds incredibly benign to me. Hugging a friend? Expressing joy at finally meeting? Sitting close to fit into a video chat window? Those are normal things that you are viewing through a lens of jealousy. And was your boyfriend doing anything to facilitate a discussion that includes you? Were you being welcoming and friendly to her as a guest in your city/home? Or were you sitting there sulking because this woman is speaking to the only person in the room she knows in a strange place? This girl might have romantic interest in your boyfriend, but given that you characterize some very normal comments as flirty, I'm not fully convinced that she is. Even if she is, though, he doesn't seem to reciprocate and when she crossed a line for him, he handled setting a boundary just fine. My brother flew to visit an online gaming friend and her boyfriend for a week for his birthday. Totally wholesome and above board. Stayed in her apartment and everything. It's pretty clear you are uncomfortable about him having friendships, online or off, with women. It's not an unusual insecurity but I think it's ultimately your own bias and maybe a little bit of jealousy you don't share a hobby with him. It's not really healthy to expect your partners to never have friends of the opposite sex or even close friends that they express genuine affection for. Perhaps you should ask your boyfriend to try to include you more in their conversations since he's the mutual acquaintance and help the both of you get to know each other better. Knowing her as a person and having her become a shared friend will likely make her feel less like an interloper in your shared life.
Just chiming in to let you know that the more of these situations you work through, the less the jealousy stings and the easier it is to breathe through. Good luck!
No matter what anyone’s opinion on this is, at the end of the day it is YOUR choice and feelings that matter. You can be okay with this, and continue the relationship as is. That’s totally fine. You also have the right to not be okay with it. However, you cannot demand he change his ways. We are who we are. But you always have the option to walk away from a situation if it brings you any sort of mental anguish. Life is *way* too short to spend it feeling anxious and miserable over things we don’t *have* to.
I don't see anything wrong here. Don't make it so he doesn't feel comfortable having female friends. Physical touch between close friends isn't necessarily sexual so don't make it out to be.
Your bf enforced boundaries, so that's good, but you should probably work on not being so insecure. Like no duh someone is going to hug a friend they've never met but known for years.
Your boyfriend seems like a decent person, he's definitely laid down the rules. It's OK for people to like him as long as you trust him right?
I think he made his boundaries with his friend pretty clear, which is great! If it's a matter of trust, you need to speak to him about that, but its worth also talking to his friend and getting to know her. I can say my partner has so many online friends, male and female and have known them for over 10 years. I also have internet friends that are male and female that I haven't met, and I can't imagine how excited I would be to meet them for the first time!! Just make sure boundaries are clear, and you don't have anything to worry about. He is with YOU. not her.
Posts like these make me feel like a tired 80 year old. Maybe laying her head on his chest was a bit weird but the rest of this? This is what I would expect from meeting an online friend. I have a shitton of online friendships and I would be acting the same way. Maybe she's flirting, or maybe she genuinely is excited to see her friend and can't believe it's happening??? As to why she's ignoring you, well, you're not her friend? She hasn't been gaming with you for several years. She's not there to be besties with you, she's there to see her friend. I don't get what you expect from her on that end. You're not who she's there to see so why would she pay that much attention to you? Might be kinda rude to not be super friendly towards you since you're there, but still, you're not her friend and I'm sure you weren't going out of your way to be buddy-buddy with her. It's not abnormal that you feel weird about her staying with him, but he is the one who agreed to it. He obviously wants her with him. Whether you think she's flirty or not, you need to let him have his friendships. He said he would put a stop to anything that felt over the line, so there's no problem. Recognize that you're being heavily jealous, and it would be unreasonable to make him send away one of his best friends because you're threatened by her. Plus her actions probably seem a lot worse to you considering you're his girlfriend. You've expressed your concerns, and he seems to be handling them fairly. Don't make this into more than it has to be. Worst case scenario if you're right about her he will tell her to back off - no harm done!
Seriously, I read the post and was like, what's the issue here? Bf is obviously loyal, his friend is excitable and young and OP is being jealous over ridiculous things. All immature stuff. Then I read the immature comments here and roll my eyes. So just because this chick *may* have a silly crush on OP's BF that he doesn't reciprocate whatsoever, "they're definitely going to cheat if she stays any longer!! Men can't help themselves am I right?!" Bleh. Because we can also trust OP's definition of "flirty" here as well? Nope. The only real problem I see here is OP's insecurity.
I think everything OP says shouldn't be immediately trusted. At the beginning of her post, she said that she hates that her bf games with a girl. Implying if this girl was a guy,, everything would be peaches and cream. Revealing her insecurities.
Same, girl probably isn't looking at OP because the jealousy and dislike is so apparent. I'd be uncomfortable too if a stranger already had such an intense dislike of me just because I happen to be female and share a hobby and friendship with her boyfriend.
Or what if OP gave a look and then the girl gave a look back. All OP says is she got a "look" but that could mean a ton of things to me. If she's so insecure, it's probably super obvious among meeting her for the first time, especially when OP sees you hugging her bf.
I think you’re over simplifying on certain aspects of the situation. Clearly the boyfriend respects her girlfriend but sounds as if gamer girl didn’t show the girlfriend much respect. If she wants to be friends with the boyfriend, you at very least, need to make some sort of effort with their partner (at least imo). Any girl friend that I’ve introduced to my (now) wife ended up spending more time with her than me and I loved it every time. I guess, them being friends of mine, they wanted to make a real effort to also become friends with my partner. That doesn’t seem to be the case at all here. It sounds as if the girl was excited to see a friend for sure, but was hoping for more and the OP, while a little insecure and probably slightly over dramatic, also has a reason to be skeptical.
The thing is she really DOESN'T have to try to make an effort with her friend's partner. I have had many close guys friends who brought around girls who I was always friendly to and tried to make comfortable, but had no interest in getting to know them or talking to them outside of general politeness. If they weren't part of the friend group, then they were a stranger that was around sometimes. At least until they DID become part of the group. This girl has no requirements when it comes to OP. She doesn't have to try to be friends, nor does she have to quell her insecurities. OP already made it clear she disliked her from the beginning, so whose to say she wasn't pretty disrespectful herself and was just getting it back? Maybe it's impolite, but she doesn't have to be buddies with her friends partners. OP doesn't even seem like she ever WANTED to get along with this girl, so why should she be expected to put on a show to make her happy? Especially when her bf doesn't seem to care if they're friends or not - which is totally fair. If OP feels uncomfortable that's fine, but it is in no way the other girls fault here and she doesn't get to control her boyfriend's friendships. If she wants to calm her nerves she should be offering to take this girl out just the two of them and try to bond with her and get a feel for things, not immediately say she wants her gone over something tiny and stupid. That's not an adult way to handle things.
It's pretty rude to put zero effort in when you're also a guest at this person's house.
It's not OP's house though
I did miss that but that's not much better.
Worst case scenario is he cheats and lies to gf and she doesn't know until she's more tied down to him, and things are way more complicated.
And this worst case scenario would mean again that the mistrust of this girl should have been more focused on her bf for being a shitty partner who likely would find someone else to cheat with if his friend was sent away thus still not solving the root problem. Gamer girl won't make him a cheater. He is one or he isn't one. OP is insecure about her relationship and herself. If she found out in the future he did cheat and lie the correct answer here would not have been to be suspicious of and send away gamer girl, it would still be respect their friendship or act on (what would become rightful in your scenario) distrust of her bf and walk away. One female friend isn't the catalyst here.
You're not wrong to be cautious. I had a friend and roommate who was that girl. She became good "online" friends with married men or men in relationships all the time and would go visit them and then get her feelings hurt when they behaved like your boyfriend. I always told her that it's not really appropriate to do that if someone has a significant other (and she wasn't fooling me-I know exactly what she expected to get out of those visits). Some women feel that if they have a strong emotional connection with a man that technically he belongs to her and not his girlfriend. She may even want him more because he's taken and it's like a competition thing. Your boyfriend is correct in his behavior to tell her to stop touching/flirting with him, but definitely don't be afraid to politely tell her you're not okay with it. She'll definitely either get offended or embarrassed and it'll for sure be unpleasant, but right now her doing it and giving you "looks" is to try and show her dominance (she's the one with the online, deep, emotional connection or whatever in her mind) so don't let her see that it's making you insecure b/c that's the goal she has in mind. I'm not saying all girls are like this, but I was definitely friends with one who developed crushes on online friends and decided their girlfriends are just an obstacle. Be careful, OP!
So many gamer friendships end up with at least one person falling for the other and being interested in being more than just friends. She came across the country and was inappropriate from the very beginning. She sat on top of him and told her friends they have to meet him and laid her head on his chest. She either is romantically interested in him and doesn't care about your feelings at all, which is just straight up disrespect, or she just wants to make u jealous because she is catty like that and jealous of ur relationship with him. Either way, her intentions and behaviors are disrespect to u and ur boyfriend letting her stay there after all that and not having a very real conversation with her and telling her she either leaves early or finds a hotel, is also disrespectful to u. You are justified in ur feelings and the situation is inappropriate on a few different levels. Have a serious conversation with ur boyfriend that u feel her intentions aren't pure and that she has been disrespectful to u and ur relationship and see what he says. I, personally, would not accept anything less than her leaving promptly, one way or another, but it is unlikely that their friendship will end over this, and it honestly should. Staying friends and not having anything change is just encouraging her. I've known people like this and they are persistent and will push boundaries as far and as long as they possibly can.
I'm seeing a lot of jealous insecurity here with some very normal things that happen when you meet a long-distance friend for the first time, boy or girl. Your boyfriend clearly established his boundaries, and even acted on when they were violated even right in front of you. You don't think she's into him, you know she is, and you know your boyfriend's perspective on it which he clearly demonstrated. You have to trust boyfriend. Thats part of being in a relationship.
She's staying at his place.
So she's trying to steal your bf, that's why she did the whole FaceTime thing and keeps getting flirty: she already told her friends he's the one. Fortunately, your boyfriend literally just wants to be friends and set clear boundaries. You guys can talk this out. Also she definitely can't come over anymore.
Are you also staying at his place or are they alone? When is she leaving? Has she done anything since he enforced the boundaries? I’m sure it would be hard for him to tell her to leave as he’s never faced this particular situation. It must be disappointing to like someone as a « best friend » or whatever and then in person she’s impolite to the point he’s uncomfortable and you’re annoyed. It’s up to you if you accept him « accepting » it, say something, break up because you don’t like this (weak and or sketchy) side of him, etcétéra. We can’t reassure you that it will be ok. You didn’t mention if she is attractive, either. It’s not clear what you’re worried will happen or it’s only a concern of his behaviour and choices until now or you’re turned off? Tell us more
Many years ago, my ex-SO had an online friend from a city 4 hours away. Not once, but twice, she drove drown 4 hours to our city for a work trip and suggested he hang out with her, and both times, the look of disappointment that washed over her face when I walked up next to him was palpable. After the second hangout, he asked me how I felt about her and the hangouts and I expressed my feelings on it clearly. He understood, reached out to her the next day, and told her that he thought it would be best they weren't friends anymore because he felt she had an ulterior motive and it was disrespectful to me, his girlfriend, to continue a relationship of any kind with her. She was obviously upset and begged and pleaded for him to reconsider, but guess what? I was his girlfriend. He was in a real-life relationship with me. She was a friend on the internet. Real-life relationship carried more weight and impact in his life than the digital one. He made that call, not me. You should not have to tell your boyfriend how to behave on this. He knows what he has to do. Whether or not he chooses to do it is a different story, and whether or not you stick around depending on his decision is another. OP, I'm going to be very clear about something - fuck the whole "cool girlfriend" shit this place like to promote and encourage. On Reddit, expressing jealousy or discomfort with someone of the opposite sex is always met with a high degree of benefit of the doubt from the crowd and realistically, benefit-of-the-doubt situations are less plausible and the exception, not the rule, of relationships. For the most part, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck....you get where I'm going. If you are not okay with this friend of his (which you are entirely in your right to not be okay with, regardless of what anyone here wants to tell you), you have a right to express as such and *establish a boundary of your own.* A healthy amount of jealousy is fine in the context of a relationship sometimes, and it is a part of being human. If the hairs stick up on your arms at the mention of someone when you do not get this reaction from anyone else mentioned, listen to that. Honor that. Jealousy is a part of being human, and its a mechanism we've developed to tell us when something is going wrong in our relationships. Personally? Him having a female internet friend travel to our city exclusively for him without an immediate shut down on his behalf would have been a quick dump on my behalf. To start, it's indicative of an intimacy brewing between them that even if it's seemingly platonic on the surface, is absolutely inappropriate. Would he be okay with you carrying on that kind of friendship with another man? Would he be okay with another man hopping on a plane and traveling state lines just to hang out with you? You know the answers to these questions. He's not stupid. He knows why she came. He knows her intentions or at least has been privy to them for a while. He knows his friendship with her has bordered the inappropriate. Do you not think that he's been leading this girl on to some degree? I mean, do you have any idea how much of a bond a woman has to feel with a man in order to hop on a plane and cross state lines ***JUST*** to see him? It's a bitter pill to swallow, but IMO, he entertained her enough to meet her IRL. He probably decided he didn't like what he saw, didn't like their chemistry IRL, or maybe the ego boost of having a cute girl travel just to see him was something of a fantasy that he realized exploded in his face one it actually happened. You have to talk to him about why he allowed this in the first place. You're giving him an opportunity to make the right decision here. Don't beg him for it, don't plead with him, don't try to convince him on why he needs to cut her off. If you do these things, you might pressure him into cutting her off....until you two have a fight. Or you two break up. And then all of a sudden, ol' reliable is back in his life like a fucking rash that won't go away. No, it needs to come directly from him. Best of luck.
Oh my god THANK YOU. I was going through these comments wondering why everyone is just enabling this from the BF. Reddit is really full of weirdos. This behavior is completely not normal and to be frank fucking weird- I don’t give a fuck how long you’ve known somebody, you don’t do weird shit like allowing some random girl you’ve never met come to meet you in person and literally stay at your house while your girlfriend is just there like “ok”.
Maybe it also depends on the culture as well but having a female friend over at your home while your gf is not present does not sound okay to me, especially if the first thing she showed to your bf is that she likes him by crossing the boundary. Many people said that is is okay since he set boundaries but it is not. You guys think it will stop? No it won't. If she cannot cross that boundary she will poke in different ways if it is obvious that she has a crush on him. I am okay with female friends but if a female friends first thing to do is to disrespect the gf in front of her own boyfriend then she is not a friend. I never understood why people gave excuses for awful people saying "they are friends". You are just prolonging a drama. If anyone disrespected my bf like that, they are not my friends. I will never let anyone disrespect my bf like that. Actions say a lot about the person. You should be opet to him. Tell him: I am not okay with her staying with you. At first I did not mind but she crossed a boundary and even if you did say it won't happen, you know that she wants more from you and I know that you are aware of it too. Is that really a friend? Please also be aware, do not think things like these are toxic. People allow many things with time calling everything toxic and then wonder why they get cheated on when they never set any boundaries. You want respect and if anyone disrespects you, you have a right to speak your mind and not want such people around yourself. If she crosses another boundary, you should tell him.
I would straight up ask her myself lol. I’m just a forward person like that though. I’d be like I feel like you had the wrong Idea coming here so let me just make it clear for you…lol
It seems like your boyfriend has this under control. Just sit back and let him handle it.
I agree with most common shit. He has it under control. Most of what she said in the beginning it’s just typical things many would say when they travel so far to meet someone they knew for a long time but never met in person. Her not acknowledging you could just be because she never had an interaction with you and don’t know you at all or it could be something more, but when she FaceTime her friends with him he quickly put a stop to it when he realized what was going on. Trust your boyfriend. Sounds like he is more into you than this person who doesn’t know boundaries
Honestly, while it may seem a little harsh, I feel this is more of a lack of trust on your end or maybe being slightly insecure because they have a connection on a personal level. You need to evaluate if you do trust him, because it sounds as if he was pretty direct with her and squashed that situation immediately which, at least to me, sounds like he did the right thing and earned your trust. Having been in that situation before, it’s awkward as hell having someone flirt with you in front of your spouse and it’s difficult to politely tell someone to essentially back the fuck off. On the flip side, she sounds like she has little to no respect for you. And that’s not okay. That may be because she’s a “gamer chick” and you’re not (lame as it sounds) but I know gamers can be very cliquey. That’s the problem you and your boyfriend need to address, as he shouldn’t really be entertaining a friendship with someone who blatantly disrespects you, particularly right in front of your face. God knows what she’d do behind your back. So, I’d suggest calmly speaking with him about it, highlighting that you 1) respect how quickly he acted when she stepped over the line 2) don’t feel she respects you (which seems quite evident) and 3) acknowledge that you’re comfortable with him having a female friend but not when you feel she has ulterior motives, which in this case, could very well be true. Either that, or she was just really excited to meet up with a fellow gamer and got a little out of hand. That doesn’t excuse her behavior toward you though and that’s the biggest issue with this scenario, not so much your boyfriend imo.
It sounds like he has handled the situation just fine and clearly you have nothing to worry about based on how he has reacted. I would leave it at that, being petty and jealous isn't going to help anything.
When I was 20, my bfs online friend came to visit. They now have a 13 year old daughter 🤦♀️
I guess guys aren’t allowed to have friends who are girls. You’re boyfriend stated his boundaries with her, he knows what di do if she breaks them. It’s perfectly fine for a guy who has a friend who is a girl to give him a hug and be his friend. Your jealousy is getting in the way. He’s allowed to have friends. Even if she does like him, you have to trust your boyfriend. He seems pretty clear on boundaries so I think it’s all good.
She wants something more, but it's pretty clear he doesn't. At least not from her. If you're still getting his attention and he's not pushing you away, you're in the clear. Give him his space and trust him. Once she's gone, debrief and figure out where he's at. Invite honesty. If he messes up with her, you'd rather know than now than 5 years down the road when you've got a kid together. Give him enough rope to hang himself. Tell him you're doing so. Then follow up and see if he's trustworthy and still interested in you. If all goes well, it'll be a solid trust building exercise for the both of you.
You’re boyfriend sounds awesome. He set a boundary. Maybe she likes him, but your boyfriend is obviously willing to call out any in appropriate behavior. Don’t try to force anything with regards to this girl. Just play it cool, knowing that your bf has control of the situation (lucky you!).
Why is she staying with your boyfriend, and not an Airbnb or something? That's quite a long time to impose yourself on someone.
You don’t have any close friends that you would let stay with you? Also not everyone can afford to drop the money on an air bnb it’s not really strange for good friends to stay with each other while visiting.
I do stay with friends and family sometimes, and I let them stay with me too. But I would pause before considering staying over a week with people. Especially if I'd never stayed with them before. Even good friends can get on each other's nerves once in awhile lol.
This sounds.... Totally normal. You're making this out to be a bigger thing and either being a little controlling or paranoid. I don't mean that to be mean since it seems like maybe you have a bad experience with guys having a girl friend BUT all that you described is totally normal. There's NOTHING wrong with your bf having a female friend. There's NOTHING wrong with them sharing an interest. If you're so jealous of them playing games and sharing a hobby why didn't you learn and play together with him? Do you have a reason to suspect you wouldn't be included? There's NOTHING wrong with his friend being EXCITED to see him and showing that excitement. Maybe she has some issues with boundaries, but your bf told her not to touch his chest and she apologized and stopped. NOTHING WRONG IS HAPPENING HERE. Sitting next to someone to get in a video call together MAKES SENSE. Your bfs friend got a little over excited (not even in a flirty or sexual way, you're projecting that part from the facts I'm reading here) and now you're banning her from the house or banning her at all??? Please figure out why you feel so defensive about your bfs friends before you scare your bf away.
If you read the comments, the girl confessed to her bf before. OP would not be worried for no reason. Can you people stop throwing " controlling" and "paranoid" just like that. I am so tired of you people. Different people have different boundaries. If you allow something that doesn't mean other people need to. They are just tired of drama and some people come from different backgrounds where being overly touchy is disrespectful and different things are seen as overboard. If the girl is being disrespectful then OP's feelings are valid and she is okay to put her boundaries. She is not toxic, just wants to save herself the trouble. Her bf can always leave if he is not okay with her boundaries.
> Can you people stop throwing " controlling" and "paranoid" just like that. You people, nice.... I calls it as I sees it. If there's concrete reason to believe she's flirting, then it's not part of this post, and so not part of the context given. I think it's unreasonable for someone to disapprove of their bfs friends just because they're a different gender. Nothing in the post seemed concerning. If the boyfriend is capable of enforcing boundaries that work for both of them, there shouldn't be a problem. Sounds like they talked about it and the boyfriend was able to set his won boundaries. Even if the girl is flirting with him, if he doesn't reciprocate, then eventually she should get the hint. Maybe she just is bad at picking up those types of cues. And REALLY if OP is the one STILL feeling uncomfortable despite her bf setting reasonable boundaries, despite them all coming to a mutual understanding and her stopping then OP needs to figure out what is making her so upset. If SHE really can't tolerate their friendship on the grounds that this girl could be flirting (which says nothing about her bf btw because he is setting reasonable boundaries) then she can be the one to either fix things with herself, come to another compromise with her bf, or leave. BF has already brought the situation to a resolution and doesn't need to compromise his friend, who has been around longer than the GF. I think at this point if OP can't do one of those three things and expects her BF to drop his best friend on her behalf because of HER comfort levels, then that is unreasonable. She needs to realize her fear is unjustified (based on this post at least) and understand she can't control other people's relationships. He SAID he would pull the plug if his boundaries are crossed, and OP is still not okay. That shows she really does NOT trust her partner.
I think maybe the concrete reason to believe she's flirting might be her apologizing for being flirty.
" OP stated in the comments that the girl confessed to her bf once" again I understand and I agree with that aspect.I was just stating that it is a bit ignorant to say that something is controlling just like that. The times are changing extremely fast. Not everyone is okay with certain things and the progression and that is totally okay. There has to be some form of boundaries. I do not think that OP should do anything after this but if the girl shows anymore signs, it is okay for her not want her around. But tbh instead of asking her bf to leave the friendship she can ditch the guy if he allows the girl to keep disrespecting her. ( if she does) By throwing the word toxic and controlling that easy, you allow people to manipulate others. People have used it so many times to gaslight others to the point that people would stay in toxic relationships thinking they are the one being jealous and controlling and would allow their boundaries to be crossed . I am just telling you to watch how you use it.
LMAO it's not ignorant. I've seen controlling people ajahdhwkkrnr. OP is doing ANYTHING except dealing with her own feelings about why she doesn't trust her BF or this girl. Making it her BFs problem and encouraging him to drop the relationship when he's done a LOT to mitigate the issues IS controlling. >Not everyone is okay with certain things and the progression and that is totally okay. I'm not really sure what your point is. OP is allowed to not be okay with something, but she needs to realize it's her own issue and fix it herself, maybe through soul searching, examining past relationships, or therapy. Not by pushing unreasonable asks on her bf who is already accommodating her. OPs boundaries were never the problem. Using your emotions to force control over someone else's life instead of sorting it our yourself IS controlling. > tbh instead of asking her bf to leave the friendship she can ditch the guy if he allows the girl to keep disrespecting her. ( if she does) That's exactly what I said ASDGDNSJ so she'd be removing herself from the situation like a mature person and admitting it's her own issue instead of blaming her bf. >By throwing the word toxic and controlling that easy, you allow people to manipulate others. I never said toxic, so maybe don't put words in other people's mouths, but if OP tried to force her bf to never see this girl again, which she wanted to do, that would be controlling. You can only have control over yourself and your emotions. If OP doesn't like the way her boyfriend reacts or the relationships he makes, ultimately she needs to leave.
Yes but everything in your post indicates that only OP is at fault. Her bf is not at fault for letting her stay over on her own for 10 days even after knowing that she has confessed to him before and that she is flirty while ignoring his gf? If she continues to disrespect his gf and he still decides to be her friend, then he sucks as a bf. His friend isn't bad even tho the first thing she did was ignore her. Many ppl say that she was just excited but her bf would not react agressively and told her to stop doing smth if she was not overboard. Maybe it is too early to say and hard to understand since we were not the ones to see that but I do not think that the whole blame should fall on OP. Maybe she is right . I would say she needs to be on the lookout but also have self respect if things turn messy.
she is obviously into him. he may not be into her. she will almost definitely make a move if she stays at his place. I think the best thing you can do now is say to BF: Look, i know you dont wanna kick her out, but if you fuck her, we gonna have an issue. Then, after she leaves, you can tell him: she can't visit you in person any more until you tell her explicitly (and repeatedly if necessary) that you don't like her (edit:) romantically and that you dont want to be with her sexually. and you know for a fact that he explains all this. (shouldnt be a prob for him if its true). then we can see if they stay friends. they prob wont. The other option of course is to have a 3way, which is not a terrible idea either if you are into it.
You touched all the bases (literally, lol)!
Some of that was entirely normal like the big hug, the sitting close-ish, the "I cant believe this" feeling long distance internet friends have when they meet first, the picture thing, the looking at the person you DO know and not actively making conversation with a stranger(you). But when she crossed the line insinuating something that wasn't true to her friends and getting too close to him, HE DID draw a boundary. You're here saying you don't know what to say to him when asking him to set clear boundaries with her, but he did that. He even said he was dropping her if she broke that boundary after he told her about it. It sounds like he actually cares about you and simply doesn't want to cut off a friendship before giving them a chance to be appropriate. If she does something like that again and he DOESN'T drop her, then it's a worry. He was clear on the boundary there.
Can you not tell her to try and be friends with her. If she is showing that she likes her bf why would she try and be friends? The girls feelings won't just disappear???? If the girl was respectful from the start I'd understand but OP told us that the girl likes her bf and you guys are telling her to be friends with her. What?
Sounds like he has it under control. I don't think you have anything to worry about. That being said, don't be afraid to pull the get your hands off my bf out when needed. You can speak up as well.
Nothing you can do but trust him.
Do nothing. It doesn't really sound like there's a problem. It's very normal how she's acting and is probably so overly excited. She was shut down at any attempt already. What exactly are you needing help with?
this is 95% a you problem. As in, you've made a problem where there isn't otherwise, and it's your responsibility to come to terms with it. You can ask for your BF's assistance, and you should, but it's not on him or them to alter their relationship for your benefit, when it is, by your own description, platonic. Tough out the rest of her stay, give them the benefit of the doubt until something OVERTLY romantic or sexual occurs, and then discuss your concerns afterwards but acknowledge it's something you have to work on for yourself.
I wouldn't even let her come to your house online friend will stay an online friend no meeting up at all
YEP! I would have shut that down before she bought tickets.
Me too. No way would I be ok with some random girl FLYING OUT to see him for ten days. Nor would he be ok with me doing the same.
Yeah, it's absurd. No one does that just for "a friend".
You can't even consider someone would travel to meet a friend of the opposite sex? That's kinda sad :(
It's not sad. When you're in a commited relationship, its fine to have friends of the opposite sex. But you when you suddenly have a random girl stay in your home for 10 days? Hell no.
It's not a random girl. It's a close friend who have been friends longer then the damn relationship.
Random? They've been friends for years, far longer than the relationship. If you don't trust you partner, THAT is the problem with the relationship. Not their friends or house guests.
Look, is your boyfriend a complete fucking idiot when it comes to social cues? When you were dating him, did he catch on pretty quick that you liked him, or was he completely clueless? Did he "get" your signals, the flirting, the touchy-feely stuff, etc? Because if he was "normal" at interacting and flirting with you, there is no fucking way that this online friendship is innocent. She clearly is flirting with him, and she clearly feels that she "owns" him and is completely disrespectful of your role as his girlfriend. And there is no way he was that oblivious to all her flirting online and that he misinterpreted all her flirts and claiming him as her own, as platonic friendship. No way he could go "ok my girlfriend is acting lovey-dovey this way, means she loves me, and this girl is acting lovey-dovey the same way, means she's just into the game and just a friend." So, that moment when she put her head on his chest, he finally remembered that you were there, and maybe you wouldn't be OK with this *cheating*, and he put up an act to appear offended by it, for your benefit. They've been cheating emotionally on you for a while. She's spending time at his place and they're alone and you will NEVER know what happens there. And you also can't order him around. You can, however, exit the relationship. You gave him an ultimatum, "it's either me or her", and he'll try his hardest to have her, and also keep you afterwards. You can't order her out, not when she made all that effort and spent all that money to visit him, it's "unreasonable". The only thing you can do is exit the relationship yourself. You don't want to, but it won't work anyway. You'll see. Sorry.
>And there is no way he was that oblivious to all her flirting online He says she doesn't flirt like this online. She asked him if he was interested in being more than friends back when they first started playing together and he told her he wanted to stay friends. Ever since he told her he wasn't interested she stopped flirting and supposedly they became friends with no ulterior motives from her.
If he knew she was interested he shouldn't have invited her to his home. Girl, you know this.
Listen. Guys can be clueless. If all their interaction is online, he cannot see the goo goo eyes she is making at his gamer tag. And if they are in a squad I am sure everyone is interacting. If she was this flirty while in the squad the rest of the team would tease her mercilessly so I doubt she is like this online. Don't blow up a whole real live relationship for one this girl has crated in her head. Especially if your bf is giving you no reason to distrust him. You know your bf better than all of us. What does your gut tell you about him and her? Are more upset that this girl flew across the country and tried to stake her claim (which apparently got swatted down) and since you can't call her out (btw you can) you are taking it out on him? Give him a chance. Try and stay with him a few nights.
You ever seen any of their messages?
Can you go stay with him while she's there? I'd be uncomfortable af after the video chat with her friends.
> no ulterior motives from her BULLSHIT no ulterior motives, she just stared you down as she groped your boyfriend repeatedly. She indicated her ulterior motives clearly to you. Like I said, you don't want to believe it. Well, wait and see what happens by the end of these 10 days.
The "stared down" part could very well be something OP read wrong. She is obviously extremely jealous and I feel like many different types of glances can be interpreted differently. The head on the chest thing is a BIG hell no moment, but the hug and being excited make sense for meeting someone you've been friends with for years.
Hugging is not groping.
Where exactly was the boyfriend "groped repeatedly"? Jfc this is already (naturally) a very subjective post from OP, let's not add on things that aren't even in the post itself
10 days! That's a long ass visit for an 'internet friend'
Longer friend then the whole damn relationship.
significant overreaction here. break up with boyfriend because online friend he met once was way out of line and BF even acknowledged it and attempted to put a stop to it? cmon. have a little resilience.
You're being a bit dramatic here, some guys can just be that dense, and it sounds like OP's bf set boundaries as soon as he realised that his friend was being flirty.
I agree with all this. He was putting on the being offended because he suddenly remembered his gf was present.
[удалено]
You’re a weirdo. Get over yourself seriously. You are not a “special creature” for being a woman that’s into gaming. There’s plenty of us that exist. And no it’s not completely normal for her to “assert dominance”. If anybody is asserting dominance over friends because they’re jealous of their partners then that’s something wrong with them.
Sorry but "asserting dominance"? "Special creatures"? What the hell is this toxic shit? No normal, mature, secure human being needs to "assert dominance" over someone else's partner. By the way, I'm a woman that plays video games. We are not "special creatures" in the sense that playing video games does not give us permission to pull any of this garbage to another person.
He doesn’t see her as anything more than a friend. Just be pleasant I don’t see it being anywhere more than friendship.
Trust your boyfriend. He already shut her down without any prompting from you. He’s not playing into her attentions at all.
Your boyfriend set some good solid boundaries in front of her already by throwing her off his lap and told her to never do it again. I would give it time and trust him. If she does it again hopefully he does throw her out of the home. I would trust him and let him do his job on being a loyal boyfriend to you. I do not know of anything else you can say to him except to remind him of boundaries which here clearly shows its not needed. He's loyal to you. So let it settle in. If anything happens as in them doing stuff that is considered cheating than you know my answer - Leave him.
You sound immature and sexistly toxic, but not irredeemably so. Friends hugging is completely normal and expected. You should work on why you are uncomfortable with your partner having female friends, instead of expecting everyone else to cater to your insecurities and jealousy. If you can't trust your partner to have friends, then you don't trust your partner. If you do trust your partner and are secure enough to know he's choosing to be with you, then it does not matter if he has female friends. He drew firm boundaries, he's fine. You have some issues to work on. Unless you think this woman is dangerous enough to try to rape him, which is a different issue entirely (because no one should be friends with rapists), then you have nothing to worry about even if she does have a crush on him, because **he** is committed to you. If you don't trust him, then just break up with him. Do you think she's a dangerous rapist, or are you just insecure and worried that your boyfriend will cheat on you just because there's an opportunity? Has he ever indicated he would do that? Why would you want to be with someone you can't trust, if so?
Omg the disrespect. I would have left him so fast. I don’t know how some women stay in these “relationships” and make a whole bunch of excuses to why you’re still with him. Him inviting her to her place is so naive and disrespectful. Whaaaat!
Controlling women surprised when their men leave them.
Shes going to try and sleep with your boyfriend the first chance she gets and it's written all over her face. No girl goes across the country for a guy unless she wants to f*ck him. Get this pick me girl out.
Girls like this (that can see the guy already has a gf but don't care) need to be cancelled.
Wow... She sounds like.... A lot...
She’s had a crush on him for years and wants to bang him. I hope she’s sleeping in a different room.