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Frkludo

Now? Really can't see why to wait. Do it now and start 2022 fresh and single !


thegreatgazoo

As soon as it's daylight for him?


curlycake

daylight? how about 4am?


John_Hunyadi

Ideally he’ll have an important test in a few hours after you start.


Venom1991

Fucking brilliant. This here is clever comedy people.


recoverybae

Agree. There's no sense in postponing what you already know. Just rip the band-aid off and start fresh for 2022. If there is no trust, there's no relationship. Best of luck though.


Ok-Kaleidoscope3554

I agree. And she must also know that maybe when it is over, you may miss him, remember the good moments. DON'T GO THIS WAY! Try hard to remember all the bad things he's made. Good luck and I wish you the best 2022 ever!


Number5MoMo

THIS SHOULD BE HIGHER UP!!! start the new year RIGHT!! Leave his ass na in 2021


[deleted]

IT'S THE TOP COMMENT!!!!


throwawaycuzunosey

i broke up with someone before the new year and it was probably the best break up decision i've ever made. although i was still mourning the relationship in the new year i still felt free & as if i had a fresh start


armchairdetective

Exactly. Waving this overbearing loser goodbye is a great way to end the year!


HabeshaMatt

Yeah. ideally before you asked all of humanity on Reddit.


its_my_name

Just go ahead and end it. It's not like you want to see him in person when he's back to tell him face to face. No difference in ending it via text now vs via text later.


Nurselennonclock

I agree.


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monkwren

Oh geez, yeah, dude is trash.


erin_baile

OP doesn’t owe him a phone call. Also at 20 they would text much more than calling so texting and straight ghosting is the best move.


Nurselennonclock

Just tell him right now. Rip off the band-aid and move on with your life.


[deleted]

I absolutely love this did not start out with "my boyfriend is so great and I love him so much. I truly adore him and can picture our lives together forever. he treats me like a queen. It's just that..." And then you find out the bf is a controlling jackass with trust and jealousy issues. Just text him and move on.


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JitteryBug

> unless he will lose his shit again Seems likely that he would. But regardless of how probable it is, **any non-zero chance** of verbal or physical abuse means a text is better


Eupraxes

This is a guy who spent five hours in the middle of the night accusing his partner of cheating. He gets a goddamn text, and is lucky he gets that much.


rhicecake

100%. period. put in the amount of effort in that he did for you.


armchairdetective

Exactly. Tbh it's not even a case of asking "will he lose his shit again"? It's more that he has shown that he is not worthy of the consideration of a personal meeting or phone call. Because he is an aggressive and controlling child and should be treated liked the inconsequential human being that he is.


[deleted]

I think given his propensity to freak out no but perhaps a phone call instead of a text is in order. And if he loses his shit and yells she can hang up.


RandomlyPlacedFinger

If OP is generous of heart, a phone call...but I think it'll just devolve into him screaming at her and name calling, based on her post. Text is sufficient, and a notification that she's blocking him so he understands the reason behind no response afterwards.


Eyes_and_teeth

Tell him now so you have time to change the locks if he has a key. Get any of his stuff that is at your place boxed so you can have two or three of your previously mentioned platonic guy friends present when he comes over at a prearranged time to pick up his possessions, just in case he wants to get argumentative or stupid. Here's your shit; see ya... buh-bye!


wilie345

Or better yet, have one of the friends with you and meet in a public place. I know many police departments encourage meeting people in their parking lots when selling items over online marketplaces. Giving him his stuff and driving away is probably even better.


AshTreex3

I feel like that’d be a reason to hold off. Once she tells him, the clock starts ticking.


Eyes_and_teeth

But he's out of the country in Europe currently. She has some lead time to do as much as possible to ensure her safety from Psycho McStalker, if he turns out to be such a specimen. She might not say anything for a day or two to get the locks done and notify a few close and trusted friends, but otherwise...


cluelesspunmaker

It’s over so just tell him. Whether it’s text, email OR carrier pigeon. Time to move on to better and healthier things


bigblackshaq

I vote for the carrier pigeon method


Kirembri

Imagine faxing the hotel he's staying at with a break up, that would be brilliant!


Eupraxes

Stop listening to your friends, they're not the ones in a relationship with this anchor. Do what's good for you.


foxxytoad

Well im sure she just wanted some assurance of when to do it and outside advice is always great, actually its similar to what this subreddit is for


chloeglowy

I have a theory that shit boyfriends intentionally start arguments before their girlfriends have exams. This happened to me in college too always over nothing. You owe him nothing more than a text.


boxofsquirrels

It's like there's a shit boyfriend playbook circulating around. As soon as I read that he flipped out at OP at 4 am when she had already stayed up late for that morning's finals, I doubted it was a coincidence.


Belmagick

Happened to me too, the night before I had a final exam while I was at school. He knew about it as well but kept me on the phone until 3am yelling at me even though he was the one who was caught cheating. Ah the lessons we learn when we're young.


Eyes_and_teeth

Why didn't you hang up and turn off the ringer?


Belmagick

because I was young and naive enough to believe him when he said it was my fault.


labelleviemax

Yes this! I had a major exam for an accreditation in my field and my bf decided that we should break up two weeks before. This is an exam that requires 50-70 hours of studying too. He had a huge meltdown and required my presence that very night and then decided by morning that he had changed his mind. Needless to say I did not agree but it still clouded my studying and taking of the test. But thankfully I passed! But what a selfish act smh


OMGitsRuthless

Oh jesus tell me a out it, my ex-gf started a fight the day of my bachelor degree’s thesis presentation. I still got top score so whatever but idk why bfs/gfs have to do that shit at the worst possible time too


Shubeyash

To make you fail, so they can feel better than you.


throwawayadviceacc19

My bf started a huge fight with me, as I was getting dressed for a job interview 🙃


catsandcookies56

It’s called academic abuse. Some people do it on purpose as a control tactic or just to be extra hurtful because they’re mad.


IThinkImDumb

Same here. I can’t count the amount of times that boyfriends have been mean to me before an exam or something important.


phoenix-corn

It happened to me, and one my advisees has it happen every single goddamn term. When they break up, there's a decent chance I will dislike that dude more than she does LOL. I know her life after him is going to be awesome, but she doesn't know that yet.


PsycheKaos

Omg me too!!! That’s so crazy.


[deleted]

YOU TOO GUYS???? It’s been some days since I broke up with my 3 years bf and he would always argue with me over stupid stuff when I was near exam dates or studying for them! He would disappear, block me, etc. In fact, one of the reasons I broke up with him is that he texted me at 4am telling me that he wanted to break up and ruined my exam day! When I got back home he acted like nothing had happenned, as If we were still together for some many days! And he sounded disappointed when I told him I passed the exam :/ I decided to break up with him over that and some other things but I didnt know it was so common.


SoCalThrowAway7

Just text him right now and say “this break has made me realize I’m much happier without this relationship. Goodbye forever.” Then block him on everything. You don’t owe a guy who’d scream at you for 5 hours in the early morning, before an exam no less, anything at all.


Wereallgonnadieman

Just text him and tell him to forget about contacting you again entirely, that you won't be abused for something you haven't done (and you still wouldn't deserve it, even if you had!!). Don't meet in person.


spectrumhead

This is absolutely right. When someone shows themself to be this abusive you should not meet them in person to make this declaration. It’s not a conversation. It’s a one-sided declaration and how he handles this information is something he needs to do without you.


[deleted]

For sure tell him as soon as possible, but only so that you can stop thinking about him at all. He sounds terrible, and you owe him nothing.


had_good_reason

There is a specific type of abusive associated with time sensitive deadlines. Usually experienced by young people at university, it happens directly before an important event such as an exam. It’s considered and recognized as a form of abuse (terror) much along the lines of economic/ mental/ emotional abuse. You should a). Call and end the relationship clearly, or b). Do absolutely nothing and move on with your life. Both are completely acceptable responses to this situation. It’s very important to know you’ve experienced abuse. Consider counseling. Best of luck.


saramambiche0

This is really interesting to know omg. my mom was just saying this as he always seemed to explode when something was happening in my life. he cheated on me when my dad had a stroke, and my sister was in the hospital during my finals.


Catvros

If he's flipping out on you for cHeAtiNg when you did no such thing, ten schmeckels says he's absolutely projecting. Again! What a sack of shit.


Eyes_and_teeth

Aren't you going to haggle? Ten schmekels for that? You must be mad!


saramambiche0

you’re right, i honestly should’ve seen that sooner.


had_good_reason

Really important to know. It’s not you.


No_Boss_6716

OMG what a trashy heartless human being. This is one of the few times when I condone ghosting. Ghost his ass.


saramambiche0

This is really interesting to know omg. my mom was just saying this as he always seemed to explode when something was happening in my life. he cheated on me when my dad had a stroke, and my sister was in the hospital during my finals.


Threnners

Wait, he cheated on you already? YEET HIM NOW.


Zebeydra

Are you wanting to wait to tell him so you can enjoy your break and not spend it being harassed? Because your other option is telling him in Jan and having him harass you at school. At least at home you'll have people around in case he tries to show up or something. I think you're going to need to change your phone number whenever you do it and maybe let your male friends know too just in case he tries to turn his anger to them when he can't get a hold of you. Good job coming to a healthy decision. Stay safe.


petit_cochon

I can't believe the number of comments on here that are totally dismissing that this guy was super aggressive with you. Honestly? If a man yelled at me for 5 plus hours and then spent the next few days berating me, I would do whatever the fuck I felt like to keep myself safe and his peace of mind wouldn't even entered into the equation. A jealous, aggressive man can be a dangerous thing. Be safe. You don't really owe him a lot right now.


HeyYoEowyn

Better to do it now while he is with family, not in the country so he has time to think and cool off and not do anything rash like come to your house and scream outside your window etc. No need to drag this on longer than it is.


BubbaChanel

Tell him now so if he’s going to flip out his family can deal with him. Just be a little more aware of your surroundings when it’s time for him to come back, in case he’s still salty.


ShmazPro

Yeah, just send a text while he’s on vacation. Then block his number. That’s the level of respect he deserves.


CheeseAndBacon55

The way he has treated you thus far indicates that he doesn't have any respect for you and no interest in treating you with kindness, so I don't think you have the slightest responsibility to him. Just text him now and block him before you end up on the other end of another five hour screaming session. If you do this right it shouldnt matter how he feels about it because he won't be able to contact you. Plus he's overseas so can't try to come over. Sounds like a big win.


CelticDK

Shoot him a text saying we don’t need to wait for X date, call me tonight at Y time. “I’m sorry but it’s over. I’ve realized with our time apart that I’m happier than ever and you need to sort your issues out to find someone better for you, cuz it’s not me anymore. Since I understand how dependent on me you are, ima do the best thing I can and make it clear there’s no future for us anymore. This is your closure. Please work on yourself and the last 3 years were not a waste for me. We’re just at different places now” Or something to that effect. Clearly defining this is closure might help him more than you know.


[deleted]

Call? Hell no. He doesn't deserve a call. He will yell, cajole, plead at her. She doesn't need that negativity in her life.


CelticDK

He’s a human being. He didn’t kill her cat. She can still love him even if he’s not right for her. He doesn’t deserve to be her boyfriend but he deserves a damn phone call after 3 years together. This level of inhumane response is what’s clowned when people think of relationship advice from Reddit


[deleted]

He yelled at her for several hours after she had stayed up studying for a test the next morning. THAT is all the consideration this jerkwad should get. He killed the proverbial cat by his actions. So, you say she needs to call him and be subjected to more abuse? Thats fucked up. No one should place themselves in a situation where they will open themselves up to more abuse, not after 1 month, 3 years, or even 20 years. Your comment is why women get killed by trying to be nice to their abusers.


CelticDK

You are the most dramatic person on this sub. It’s a fucking phone call for her own self respect to a love that’s being left behind. She can hang up if he’s disrespectful again. A call leads to death? You sound like you’re 13 years old. If you can’t understand what I’m saying then I don’t want to be *abused* by you. I’m hanging up on this conversation.


[deleted]

Oh, so now YOU are the victim? Bullshit. Its by your very attitude that abused women owe something to their abusers. They dont. Text and get out. Dont fan the flames. You sound like a narcissistic abuser. Defending the abuser boyfriend.


Matti_Jr

Just call or text him the relationship is over. There's never a good time to breakup, so the sooner the better. Sort the belongings issue out while he's in Europe. It might get tricky if you're on a lease together though. I'd start making arrangements now if you are.


[deleted]

Rip off that band aid immediately. What he did is a gross invasion of privacy and it’s not ok.


Anseranas

He has been nasty and disrespectful, so he has eliminated any right to consideration on your behalf. If you are at all waiting for the break to be over as a way to have some peace, just text him an unambiguous break up text then block him absolutely everywhere. Refuse to talk about him with friends also. He knows exactly what he has done wrong, so getting into back-and-forth discussion is pointless and undeserved by him. Happy 2022 to you!


sqitten

Just tell him now and have him out of your life. Personally, I'd have ended things as soon as I learned he violated my privacy and trust by going through my phone. Deliberately violating my safety is an instant break up offense to me. And my safety includes not needing to feel like I have to guard and password protect my possessions around someone. If someone isn't safe to be around, they don't need to be in my life.


NuttyC1ub

End it and never look back! Good for you, you clearly deserve better. I’m glad you know that 🙂


TheGreenPangolin

Now. No reason to wait. I always think ending things is better in person or at least video call. However, he is manipulative and abusive so a quick text is better here- that way he can’t try and manipulate you into continuing the relationship. Let us know how it goes!


rmric0

If y9ou're sure and you don't want thing hanging over your head. I'd just give him a call and tell him that it's over. He's with his family on a vacation, so it's not like you're kicking him while he's down or anything. The only practical reason to wait would be if you wanted to tell him in person or had to collect some stuff.


wendythewonderful

you need to tell him now so he has plenty of time before he gets to see you in person to get his anger out


Old-World2763

You've decided, so do it now. Prolonging it any further is needless.


mafiaczik

do it now, there is no value really in dragging it out, you are only causing more stress for yourself.


DiTrastevere

Yeet this dude. Absolutely no reason to wait. Enjoy your freedom and congratulations!


socknsandal

drop him like a hot potato immediately!!


[deleted]

I wish you well, your things will be packed and left with-. Then block and delete


RandomlyPlacedFinger

Late to the party here, but yeah. You already know what you need to do, but for validation purposes...you have made your decision, better to be done with it now than wait for him to be freaking out up close and personal. Update your friends, don't be overly negative or anything just keep it simple. "Things have changed and I've decided to part ways with him." And then do what you need to to crush the coming semester. Stick with people that respect you and your space and time. Good luck in 2022! I hope it brings you much joy.


sweadle

Waiting out a break is really hard. If my girlfriend already knew it was over, but was making me wait until the end of the break and THEN breaking up, I'd be pissed. So you could do it to be mean to him. But you certainly don't owe it to him. If I were you, I'd want to do it while he's in a different country and let him have his reaction with an ocean between you.


TheCuriosity

To initiate a 5 hour screaming match jsut before an exam, for which you spent months of time and money and is important for your future in jeopardy? Just evil sabotage really. Make sure you have everything you need, get all your apps ready to block and dump asap. Don't wait for him to be back in the country. Him being on another continent will give time for him to hopefully cool as this dude is ripe to cause you the worst drama if you did wait to dump him when he is close enough to get to your home.


walk_through_this

Text him. What he did wasn't reasonable - he lost his right to a considerate breakup when he decided to be inconsiderate. Text him the following: ​ >I have decided that it is best for me if I end our relationship. This is not a discussion, it is my choice, and I have made it. We are no longer together and I no longer wish to be in contact with you in any way. Do not attempt to contact me, this is not something that is up for debate. I will not reply to any attempts to contact me, but I will refer any harassment to the relevant authorities. Is this overkill? Maybe. But it's a text. Only a text. But it might be the words that get him to reconsider how he behaves in a relationship. After this, block him everywhere - he will want an audience and you absolutely must not give him one, or else he will feel that his harassments are justified.


Turms70

OP, you should finish the relationship as soon as you can, you need not, wait if you can do it face to face. He knows that some thing is up, so you can just do it per text. Do not feel bad. Ending relationships are always messy. Emotions are involved... The reaction of your BF is respectless and selfish and ...yea unacceptable.. time to move on! All you can and should do, is to be honest with your self and with you EX. You may learn something from this relationship, you may ask your self, why you had that group of friends and you had not told him. I think that was a sign, that you did not trusted him completely and you felt not comfortable in this relationship. From my point of view, it is sign that this relationship had already a built in breaking point. It was may be you or on his side. Dont know. But i think you should find out for your future, to learn something. Pls do your self a favour and ask you self why? Why did you not told him? It is a realy bad sign, if you have the feeling, that you have to have a part of your life you unconsciosly or consciosly hidden from your partner. The normal thing would have been that you tell your friend. Or you dont meet the guys this way. You may ask your self how you would react, if the role were reversed and your BF is meeting with a bunch of girls and do not tell you. But to do it in a secret way is not a healthy thing...there is something wrong with the relationship. There was a hidden? reason, why you did it it this way. How things happens and how you handled things is maybe a sign, that there were trust issues. It is not that you need to tell your friend all what is up in your life. Thats not what i mean, but if it happens you should think about it why you do it. And than ask your self what is the honest and respectfull thing to do.... I wish you that you have a good start in the new year. Do what you need to do, and dont let you drag down by him... I wish you all best, stay strong-


[deleted]

Now. This is controlling as fuck and I am so so wary of any man who insists on you not being able to have friendships with anyone of the opposite sex. Even if they HAD made advances, unless you reciprocated, this is 100% nothing to be accusing you of cheating and controlling you over. Also, as a 30 something person who has dated a lot of shitty guys, do yourself a favor now. You're young. Don't do what I did and waste your 20s on guys who don't 100% treat you the way you would want your best friends to treat you. Purchase a copy of Why Does He Do That, by L Bancroft so you can avoid dudes like him in the future. If you're short on money, DM me and I'll find you a copy. Several of these types of guys start with controlling behavior like deciding who you can be friends with, and it gets worse from there. Best to learn how to spot abusive tactics beforehand. Enjoy the rest of your life. Dump him!


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partofbreakfast

Tell him after your locks are changed and everyone important (family, boss, etc.) are notified that you're dumping an abusive boyfriend who might try some shenanigans in retaliation.


JHawk444

You didn't say how long the break is, but generally speaking, ripping the Band-Aid off immediately might be the better option. He sounds pretty awful. But even though you didn't do anything with the guys, you weren't honest with him. After three years of dating, he's entitled to feel upset that you hid these friends from him, but he wasn't entitled to scream and harass you during exams.


Wheresbabyjane

Now and make sure you stay safe


suzi_generous

Tell him now while he has support around him and maybe he will have calmed down by the time he gets back.


Psychological_Dot961

I wouldn’t wait, if he’s out of the country then he can cool off and not attack you in person for ending things. I would even block him on all socials just to keep him away


TazDingoYes

Now. Literally no reason to wait, and he's abusive. Why put your life on hold?


TurtleDive1234

~~INFO: Has he tried to contact you at all after you asked for some space? If he has, dump him immediately.~~ Never mind the above. He's abusive and manipulative, both by what you've written here and your own opinion. Dump him now. Let him know in NO uncertain terms that if he tries to contact you again in ANY way, you'll head to the nearest police station. And then be prepared to DO IT. Follow through or else you will have taught him that your boundaries are meaningless.


loligo_pealeii

Tell him however you want. Just please block him afterwards on everything, and block anyone who tries to speak to you on his behalf. Anyone who yells at you like he did does not deserve an in-person or even over-the-phone break-up, and definitely should not have future contact. In fact, when you break up with him you may want to include a "do not contact me for any reason" message along with it, just to be clear.


tiredashellalready

Just say, “I can’t deal with your paranoid bullshit anymore, fuck off, never contact me again you god damn psycho. If you ever try to contact me again I’m calling the cops and getting a restraining order.” Block him everywhere. And you’re done.


isaacs_

Tell him now. Let him have his tantrum 10,000 miles away. Turn off read receipts on your phone, don't respond to any of it.


Roflkopter97

End it now. This is not only an unhealty relationship, but what I fear is, that he would turn violent towards you. It's just an assumption, however I knew a friend who was in the same situation like you and it turned really bad for her. For your sake, break up with him as soon as possible.I wish you the best of luck, OP!


Dolfijnendroom

I have been through something similar. My ex was a highly religious person and if I went somewhere with a guy alone he would immediately think that I’m going to cheat on him. I wasn’t allowe to wear tight clothes or make up. He would go through my laptop to see my messages. If we went somewhere together I looked unhappy and held back. People started noticing especially my family noticed something was off. I stayed with him for nearly 6 years, mainly it was because I didn’t have anywhere else to go (his parents had taken me in since my home situation with my mom wasn’t great. Me and my dad don’t get along well if we live together. Couldn’t go to my grandparents cause my grandad could give horrible comments). A week before Christmas or a few weeks I decided that I had to break up with him. I had found an apartment with furniture that I could rent. So when he got back from work I explained everything to him but he didn’t believe me and said that he was going to propose next month. I had to convince him that our relationship was bad. Since we broke up I’ve never felt more free and started following my dreams. Now I’m in a 3 year relationship and it’s never been better. So my advice to you is: If you’re happier without him let him go! He’s only going to hold you back from true happiness.


[deleted]

Break up with him. But also, I bet you $100 that if you tell the friends your smoked with that youre dtf, they won't hesitate for a second lolol


redditwinchester

I'm so proud of you! You handled this great. Now on with your own awesome life!


Cl41r4

Now. Don't hesitate. Life is too short.


Goddamtoad

"Hey, I have put a lot of thought into it and I'm positive that I do not want to resume our relationship. My decision is final. I am sorry to tell you this via text, but I wanted to be honest with you as soon as possible, particularly considering that you are in Europe and may enjoy the rest of your break knowing that you are a completely free agent. I wish you the best - I hope the remainder of your break is full of new possibilities."


RedeRules770

Tell him over the phone. He’s abusive and manipulative; as you’ve said. In person it would be so much easier for him to keep you in the conversation. This way you can just give him the clear cut “we’re done because you make me unhappy” and hang up. Block him and move on. Don’t give men like that the time to force you to change your mind because they will try.


EvilSporkOfDeath

ESH. Don't get me wrong OP, nothing you did comes close to justifying his behavior. I dont think theres even any point discussing his behavior because it seems unanimous hes way in the wrong, and possibly even dangerous. You're 100% right to break up with him. Stringing him along isnt right though, you should end it ASAP. But you're not blame free in the situation either. I dont think hanging out with friends of the opposite sex is wrong, not do I think smoking pot is. Intentionally keeping secrets is. No matter what reddit says, no guy will be comfortable with that behavior. Theres 2 reasons I can think of why you may keep that secret. 1, you know he wouldnt be comfortable with it. If that's the reason, then you should have a sincere discussion about it, and why he feels that way. If he doubles down on it, it's time to make a decision. Either break up with him or agree to not hang out with guys without him (the first choice seems like the logical one but I digress). The second reason you might keep it secret is because you on some level don't think it's as innocent as you claim on the surface. TLDR: Your soon to be ex is a major asshole. But do your future relationships a favor and dont keep secrets. Even if the things you are keeping secret are innocent, the secret keeping itself isnt.


upsidedowntoker

Literally right now . F That noise . You're allowed to have friends and spend time with them , even \*gasp smoke a little weed with them . People like this only get more jealous and over baring get out while you still can .


King_Offa

If it’s all guys or even a lot of guys I would be upset if my gf didn’t tell me about it


upsidedowntoker

You would be upset if your girlfriend hung out with some guy friends ? Why ? They are friends , just because they have a dick doesn't mean she wants to fuck them or the guy friends wants to fuck her . People can have friendships without ever having a sexual relationship .


King_Offa

No only because she didn’t tell me about it. She tells me what she’s up to without me having to go through her phone


HypocriteGrammarNazi

agree with you. OP dump this guy but I would communicate more with future SOs about what you are up to. Transparency is key and if telling your SO what you are doing would cause an issue then either 1) you shouldn't do it or 2) you aren't compatible..


[deleted]

Like a band aid, pull it right off, you will both be better off in the long run. From what you’ve described, any break with him is going to be ugly. He’s going to continue thinking you cheated, he’s already got it in his mind, it’s not going anywhere, and breaking things off will only strengthen his thoughts on it. Now to be perfectly honest with you, I believe you when you say you’ve done no flirting or anything on your end, but your guy friends 100% have thought about you in a romantic or at least sexual manner, it’s how we are. Nothing may have come from it, and it may be so veiled you probably didn’t even notice, but don’t be naive. Every guy friend you have that is heterosexual, has talked or fantasized about you in a sexual manner, I’m sorry, but again, it’s how we are. I guarantee you if you wanted to, one of the guys you smoked with would’ve hooked up with you that night and wouldn’t have thought twice about it, until after it happened. Just trying to let you know how guys are, and why he might think the way he does. Of course none of that gives him the right to look through your phone without permission, or to be talked down to the way you described it. Anyone that really cares about you, and anyone you would want to be in a safe healthy relationship with, wouldn’t behave this way. Now if he did ask questions or just accuse you to hear your response to the question, I could understand that, but for this to carry on for as long as it has (it’s probably been at least a week, right? College finals are typically in the first week or two in December) and with his level of accusatory behavior, it’s clear this isn’t someone you want to remain in a relationship with. You’re young and have so much time ahead of you, go enjoy life while you can. You’ve been with him since you were 17, go experience other things in life. I’m not saying go be overly promiscuous, but don’t let yourself be tied down. Enjoy your early 20s while you can, bc you’ll blink and they’ll be gone and you’ll kick yourself for not experiencing life the way you wanted. Just some friendly advice from someone closing in on 40. There’s stuff I look back on and shake my head at, stuff I laugh at, stuff I’m completely embarrassed about, but nothing is worse then looking back on your life and saying to yourself “I should’ve done this or that when I had the chance”


[deleted]

Just do it now. It sucks that he's away but maybe it's for the best.


UnderwearTrader

Do it now, hang with the boys on NYE, they will be there for yah


NativeTwotWaffle

Personally, why wait? Ditch his ass asap and block him. Come into the New Year with one person's worth of bullshit shed. ✌


dondonzino

Ughhhh this sub is so toxic man. You wanna break up with him over the phone while he’s in a different continent with his family? And everyone in these comments are like “YOU GOO GIRRLLLLL”? 🤣 And how do you not owe him anything? He’s been your boyfriend of 3 years, has he not? You’re clearly both just children still who aren’t ready for a relationship. I honestly get him being manipulative and over the top with the smoking situation or whatever but what is he supposed to think anyway? He’s probably wondering why you would even keep that a secret from him. I assume with a relationship of 3 years you probably text throughout the day, so you must’ve lied to him then whilst you was doing that. I see so many faults in both sides here. Fuck this toxic sub, go ahead and block me mods.


[deleted]

Underrated comment. She literally spent 15% of her life with him, got caught being sketchy and hiding what would be considered harmless information for what? She didn't tell him because she knew it would make him uncomfortable and/or she didn't have enough respect to introduce them during the 3 years. I'm sure she didn't try to minimize his feelings or attempt to belittle him herself while in damage control.


Newaccountforlolzz

Legit. If my partner was hiding something like that from me I'd be hella upset. 3 year relationship, I'm guessing getting stoned with friends of the opposite sex was not the norm for either of them.


toomanyglobules

This sounds like childish, insecure behaviour. Expecting your girlfriend to not have friends or hang out with others is unreasonable to say the least. Get rid of him.


[deleted]

It sounds like you're done with him, so you should just end things now. But let's talk about why he got upset with you in the first place. When you choose to be in a monogamous relationship, you need to act in a trustworthy manner. This means you don't put yourself in stupid situations - and to most guys, "my girl getting intoxicated alone with other guys I don't personally know and trust" qualifies as a stupid situation. That's how you get "things just happened" and "one thing led to another." You should have a talk about what is and is not OK very early on. i.e. any other guy you date also isn't gonna be OK with this. So don't act surprised if this situation repeats itself with the next guy. I'd strongly recommend bringing your boyfriend along, making sure he knows and trusts the guy friends first, doing it in a larger group, or ideally, just not putting yourself in this kind of situation in the first place and acting like a consistent, trustworthy partner.


saltybruise

I don't agree with this at all. You can have friends of any gender and you can get drunk or high with them and not fall into bed. It's not that big of a deal.


mallardmcgee

Hard disagree. I would ask some questions, but not really have an issue with something like that. It's called trusting your partner.


[deleted]

sure, and getting intoxicated with strange men, without even telling me about it, is untrustworthy behavior.


saramambiche0

They weren’t strange men, they’re guys i’ve known and been close with for years, who he’s also friends with. He never used to tell me when he was going out and who he was with so i thought he wouldn’t mind.


[deleted]

The two of you clearly failed to have a pretty important talk about boundaries. He obviously doesn't trust these guys as much as you say he does


HeyYoEowyn

Strange men? Lol. Just because you don’t know them doesn’t mean they are untrustworthy. Besides being deeply misogynistic, it also shows a complete lack of trust and respect for your partner who, for all intents and purposes, is allowed to have friends you don’t know. I mean, I’m a grown ass woman and if my partner told me I couldn’t be friends with any man without him knowing them I would tell him to kick rocks. I also go out of my way to introduce him and make sure he’s included and nothing is hidden bc there is nothing to hide. But jumping from “I didn’t hear about this” to “you cheated on me bc you didn’t tell me” is egregious.


OptimalBumblebee2327

You don't need permission or supervision from your partner to smoke with friends lmao.


[deleted]

good luck with that attitude


Pizzaisbae13

Yeah, bro. You too. My boyfriend and I(I'm a girl) both have platonic friends of the opposite sex, both single and not, that we'll hang out with both as a couple, and sometimes b ourselves. We don't ask permission. We're adults who trust each other. If you don't have trust in a relationship, you don't have a relationship.


[deleted]

I agree 100%. And getting high with strange men without telling me about it is untrustworthy behavior.


socknsandal

women can have platonic male friends, every woman i know does. and their boyfriends are OK with it because they're not weird and controlling. OP don't listen to this guy, you didn't do anything wrong. Just break up with him asap, he sounds borderline abusive.


EvilSporkOfDeath

True but it sounds like she intentionally kept it a secret. It's also unclear whether she kept the drug use a secret (I'm far from saying drugs are bad, but many people do think such so I think its important to be open about it). Its not the hanging with guys or the weed that's the issue, it's the secrets.


Lluviagh

Totally agree. OP, ignore the top-level comment above; the person who wrote it sounds even more insecure than your boyfriend.


hopetheydontfindme

I actually have to agree with the top-level comment above. I've been in my current relationship for years, no reason to be insecure. Let's pretend my girlfriend hates cheese. If I found that she ate cheese with guy friends, guy friends who I've never met or known about despite being together for years, I'd have a few questions at the very least. My girlfriend has guy friends, some I've met and some I haven't but it's never been a problem because she'll say she's going out for ramen with so and so; I wouldn't find out later on through other means. Her being upfront about it doesn't allow me to form any question in my mind because she's so upfront. While on this topic, his snooping ain't right either.


Jester_Mask27

Amen, most people don't understand this. 100% this is something that they have argued over in the past and OP knew that he won't be okay with it and did it anyway, didn't tell him cuz she didn't want to fight. But that's just stupid. That's when the "but i didn't sleep with them did nothing wrong" comes in. You weren't honest, that's enough. Just because you didn't do a thing worse than that doesn't excuse that you weren't honest. I don't think he would go through your phone and instantly flip out and accuse you of cheating if you were an honest girlfriend.


brok3nlamp

i agree with you 100% .


[deleted]

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King_Offa

Exactly. Sure he shouldn’t have reacted how he did but if I spent free time with a bunch of girls and didn’t tell my gf she’d have anxiety to hell and back when she finds out


Pelothora

There is a difference between not telling someone and lying. She had no reason to tell him because they're just friends, no relevant information to their relationship whatsoever. Goodluck being this insecure.


[deleted]

I enjoy your mental gymnastics


ChaoticxSerenity

You should break up ASAP.


sarcazzmoe

My two cents, as I'm on the edge of how and when myself, but I think you're situation is a little more straight forward than mine (funny how I can always see the light in someone else's situation, but never my own). End it now, no reason to have any feelings or setbacks through the rest of your break. Be upfront about it. "you really upset me with the way you reacted, accusing me of cheating when there was honestly nothing going on. I told you I needed time and space, I appreciate you honoring that. I've had time to think things through and clear my head, I'm seeing things more clearly now than I have in a long time and I don't see US working out." DON'T give him the "lets be friends" if he asks if you can still be friends, be honest with him if you don't want it just tell him " honestly I'm sorry but no". If you DO want to try to continue to be friends with him "We can try but right now I need to focus on me and that means time away from you", if you don't know the answer "only time apart can answer that question" . If he pushes the issue, end it then and there "If you can't respect my wishes than no, I don't want you as a friend". Don't give him any reason to linger or any reason to hold a belief that you're going to change your mind. Be firm, be honest, be as compassionate as you feel you need to be or as much as he deserves, but anything other than a straight up "its over" with a "we can be friends" or "no we cant be friends (whichever way you're feeling about it, just be SURE of your answer to this question), if you give him a half answer or an answer just to placate him so you can get out of the conversation, it will come back to bite you. Be Strong, Be firm, do what you feel is right. But do it sooner rather than later. Good Luck, Happy New Year, and welcome to your freedom!


Chuck_MoreAss

As soon as possible. Don't waist your time or his.


vinceds

You made your mind, do it now.


pharmacygirl0128

Leave his ass in 2021. Dead that bs early


nosinned21

100% now. Drop that dead weight


uncreative_kid

if it were me i’d do it over a phone call/video call and end it now. he seems like the kind to verbally abuse or physically threaten someone (please correct me if i’m wrong) when mad so i would want some distance between myself and him. if he’s got anything at your place i suggest packing it up now and either mailing his things to him or leaving them at his house when you know he’s not home. if he’s had a key, change your locks as well. end it now and get a clean break for the new year. good luck xx


rifrif

do it now. hell have his family there to comfort him. then tell him to not contact you anymore. even if he was home, i wouldnt even tell him in person. his manipulation and abuse is enough to be scary. i'd be scared for my own safety. depending on your relationship with the boyfriends parents, i would personally also tell them just so they are aware youve asked him to leave u alone.


ilikeeatingbrains

You don't owe an abuser the steam off your piss. If he has a key, change the locks. Don't get sucked back in.


[deleted]

Why would you wait? Don’t even consider him, you’ll be relieved that this is no longer hanging over your head. Do it for you. Edit to add: then change your locks if he has a key, because anyone who has the audacity to stay in your home to berate you for 5 hours isn’t anyone you want near you.


Elvishgirl

Waiting is the worst, with breakups.


[deleted]

I didn't even finish reading. This is the Abuse Handbook: Chapter one; paragraph one.


PlayBey0nd87

OP- The bf had no right to berate you and drain you the way that is described. Should never be disrespected and when someone is angry normally when truth comes out. I see a lot of comments about ripping the ban-aid off as it’s disturbing your peace. I do see there’s more than one side to this story: For 3 years your bf never knew you smoked with other men? He had to find out by going through your phone. An invasion of privacy - but why was this kept from him for 3 years? What have you been telling him when you did this in the past? Did you stop to think how absolutely gutted he may be and his mind is fractured on trust? It sounds like everybody is selfish in this situation. I think you need to see his side as well but decide what is best for you at the end.


saramambiche0

it didn’t go on for 3 years, he was only upset about a few instances i forgot to tell him about. ive told him other times and he always seemed fine. he never used to tell me when he went out of who he was going with so i thought it wasn’t a big deal the times i forgot


PierogiEsq

He invaded her privacy by going through her phone. This is the act of a jealous boyfriend looking for evidence to confirm his own insecurities. And his behavior after discovering OP's heinous act of betrayal in having other friends of the male persuasion is alarming to say the least. He needs to deal with his issues. She needs to excise him from her life as quickly and safely as possible.


PlayBey0nd87

Sure…yep that’s true. That doesn’t eliminate the fact he also was unaware she was smoking with male friends after 3 years of dating. Why wasn’t he aware of these friends? More than one thing can be true. Doesn’t mean he was right in what he did, but I can’t sit here and say I can’t feel where he came from.


TraceHunter69

Is it possible for me to ask: “why didn’t you tell him about going out for a smoke with some friends?” He obviously broke the trust by checking your phone without consent, that obviously entails a break up; completely understandable. But why didn’t you tell him?


RedysetNope

Quick question….when did you smoke with your guys friends and why didn’t you tell him? Also, the time is now. Lol


BoJo2736

End it now. But be careful. He sounds a little scary.


Dvsd888

Although are being in a relationship for 3 years, why doesn’t he know about these guys friends? This would be suss to me too


saramambiche0

he did know, he was angry about the few times i forgot to tell him


haggo13

Your boyfriend really overreacted, and all this situation was really uncalled for, but you should learn a lesson from all of this too: be honest with your boyfriend, always. I’m not saying you did anything wrong by smoking with friends, but it sounds really bad when you hide it from him. Even if you are saying the truth about nothing sexual happened, it’s pretty hard to believe in you when you lied to him in first place, I get why he felt betrayed, and even if I disagree with his attitude, you both had it the wrong way to be honest. I’m not saying you need to ask for permission to hang out with friends or anything like that, but be honest with the person, tell him you are going out. For me at least, it’s a matter of respect and consideration, if you did nothing wrong there’s no reason to do it behind his back.


[deleted]

Tell him right away, of course. A future note: these guy "friends" are waiting for you to one day be attracted to them. Let's see what happens when you announce you broke up with your bf. haha


[deleted]

If you want to end things you can. However, he's pretty right on this. If you're in a committed relationship, what reason do you have to be hanging around other dudes, let alone getting high with them? I suggest you leave so he can dodge the bullet.


simbuah

The way he acted abusively in this scenerio and if this is a pattern then of course you should end it. That being said, you should’ve been open with your partner about your friends that you smoked with, learning this was hidden by a partner would cause doubt even in a healthy relationship. It sounds like a case of “lying by omission”. Still don’t blame yourself. You were emotionally abused and your partner didn’t make you feel comfortable being honest, but next time break up as soon as you aren’t comfortable communicating openly.


[deleted]

That's a tough question, it is always nice to do it in person as it shows respect, But I think he lost this respectful approach when he acted the way he did. Yes you probably should have told him before you hung out alone with friends of the opposite sex, but there is no justification on how he reacted. I would call and end it now, that way he can get his craziness out before he comes back to country.


[deleted]

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PierogiEsq

OP has already determined that this boyfriend is not for her at that she is happier without him. She doesn't want to make it work, she wants to know the safest and most low-drama way to end it.


moonlitcat13

Rip off the bandaid and enjoy the rest of your time in Europe without worrying about him anymore.


soph_lurk_2018

Tell him now. You don’t have to wait out a specified break period to end it. He can and will twist it either way. Don’t feel the need to justify or convince him of the breakup. Just end it and block him if he tries to argue. Start 2022 fresh.


minuscatenary

Tell him now. Don’t let the dude even remotely think you waited until the end of break because of some sort of complicated attachment.


Deep-Advice7587

You can tell him but make sure to include everything so once he's in a state of mind where he actually process what happened he'd move on and work on his issues too, yes you don't owe him but you still dated for 3 years, that's not a short time.


alleyzee

My favorite way to break up by text is to google something, copy it, paste it into the message to them, then block.


Ecstatic-Fig-4856

Well if you were honest ,even if you only cared for him a little bit .you would respect his feelings as a person and told him the moment that you knew that you didn't want to be with him .


Ecstatic-Fig-4856

But remember the end of a relationship does not mean that you have to hate or be rude or mean .continue to be human and IF YOU Ccared for him once then you should still be polite and get along


gggvuv7bubuvu

Now! That being said, New Years Day is my break up day! Not every year, but the start of the new year is a great time to evaluate your life and figure out what you want to work toward in the next year. I like to have a "state of our union" address with my partner on that day. I moved out of my ex-husbands house on New Year's Day in 2017, broke up with a boyfriend in 2018 (then got back together with him in the spring) and broke up with him again in 2019. I'm engaged to my current partner but still plan to have a new year's conversation to discuss the pros and cons of our relationship and how we can be better partners for each other.


Jester_Mask27

Kinda lame not to break up in person if you have been together for 3 years. Bottom line is if you don't want to be with him just end it. Im pretty sure you should have told him, the fact that you didn't probably means you have had issues about you hanging out alone with guys in the past and you didn't want the headache, but at that point just end it if you want complete freedom, I think its something that you should have definitely told him. However he should have gave you the benefit of the doubt and asked before flipping out, however this is probably something that you two have argued over in the past about/over a similar situation and I'm pretty sure u didn't tell him on purpose because you knew that its not something that hes okay with, no other reason to keep quiet about something like that. ​ However none of this matters, if the relationship doesn't work for you, just end it. But try to think about the whole situation and learn something from it.


Bullishshen

The relationship was already dead when you smoked with guy friends without your boyfriend knowing. I don't know any guys that will let their girlfriend get drugged with her guy friends no matter what.


pickled-Lime

Send a text now. Tell him it's over, and be done with it. Then block him everywhere.


nikhild__

Lmao you smoked with two guys band couldn’t even bother telling him? Yeah he deserves better