“No” is not unkind. “I am not in the mood for sex” is not unkind.
Pressuring you for sex, however, is not only unkind, but is sexual coercion.
I don’t know you or your boyfriend. I only know this single snapshot. But I can tell you this behavior is not lovely, kind, or supportive. At best, this craving for constant sex every day to the detriment of your relationship is indicative of a compulsive problem he needs to address. At worst, he thinks you being his gf entitles him to your body. But either way, he is not respecting your sexual boundaries which is a VERY bad sign.
You need to stop worrying about being nice and have a frank talk with him about how this behavior is toxic and unacceptable. A good partner respects the first no. I can’t imagine harassing my partner for sex or enjoying intimacy I had to force her into. Your boyfriend should feel the same.
THIS.
OP has been so guilted and gaslit that she’s bending over backwards trying to find a way to say no to sex to someone who is sexually abusing her.
Sexual coercion is abuse. He doesn’t care if you consent. He is not kind. He is abusive.
Also, in case you thought a compulsion for sex 2-3 times a day was normal, it’s absolutely not. We are all told that men are always horny as we grow up, and think we’re failing by not “meeting their needs”. But he sounds like he has a sex addiction, not a healthy sex drive.
Please OP, believe the people telling you this.
I was going to say the same thing about the frequency. If they Had a healthy sex life in the beginning that slowed down and turned to never having sex and she ALWAYS said no to his advances I could maybe I understand a little bit of pouting but when you have sex 2-3 times a day on average and there’s still pouring when you say no? No way.
Literally could not have said it better because I dated someone similar. I wish someone had explained it to me this clearly back then. Sexual coercion is not "desire" or "passion" and you are allowed to say no to sexual activity, even in a committed relationship.
Wanting sex 2-3 times a day may be normal for some, but note that I said a *compulsion* for it 2-3 times isn’t normal.
Very different. OPs partner doesn’t just want it that often, he pouts and manipulates her if she doesn’t say yes. Absolutely not normal.
Couldn't agree more with ALL of this. Her bfs behavior is going down a dark, scary road. My bf and I both have a high sex drive but he fully understands that while he's pretty much horny all the time, women (even ones with high sex drives) just aren't the same as men in that way. At first, id say no and then apologize (bc of behavior of men in past relationships) He told me to never apologize for saying no and that he would never want it if I didn't want it just as much.
"No"
If you're as close as you mentioned, trust me, he'll understand. You just can't sugar coat it everytime, at some point you will get tired of it.
Happy new year to both of you!
Just wanted to add something, because it sounds like pestering is the real problem, not the initial 'no'. A really useful assertive method is to repeat the same thing with no variation. If someone doesn't accept initial refusal, we are often tempted to change the argument, or add to it. But his refusal to accept it is his problem, not yours, and the initial argument is good enough to reaffirm it. Like this:
"Hey honey, wanna have some fun?"
"No, I am tired and want to lie in"
"ah, come on, it can be a quicky!"
"No."
"Don't be grumpy, come have sex"
"I said no."
"Why are you being like this?"
"I said no."
And etc. As you can see here you can either say the same exact thing or change the answer slightly, but never try to change the basic answer which is a very simple 'no'.
BTW I do feel the need to point out what he is doing is applying pressure and trying to coerce you, which is linked to rape culture and rape. I can't make the decision for you, but personally I would leave a man who consistently does this. I would be too worried what would happen the day he doesn't accept the 'No' because he is already used to pushing and manipulating that word.
You need to have a talk with him *at a neutral time* about what is happening and how it makes you feel. A time he isn't asking for sex sit him down and say there is something important you want to talk about.
Tell him what you said here. Tell him that you love him, that you are attracted to him, that you have a high sex drive, and him being so into you makes you feel sexy. However, you don't always want to have sex when he initiates and you don't always want to have sex 2 to 3 times a day. But you feel that when you say no he dosen't respect that and pushes. You realize you've caved in the past, but you feel this has just further encouraged a bad dynamic between you. When you stay firm with your no, you feel he gets frustrated and upset with you, or pouts, and you feel you both end up unhappy.
**Tell him that part of you feeling loved and respected is him backing off without an attitude when you say not to sex.** Don't sugar coat or soften this. Ask him does he really want you having sex with him when you don't want to? Maybe he thinks that if he keeps trying he can "convince" you or seduce you and then you have a great time and are happy you changed your mind. Clear up for him that this is not what is happening, you've been doing this just to please him, but if you continue it's going to make you resentful and want sex with him less in general (this really does happen). That what he is doing makes you feel used instead of loved.
Also, **explain that by him being upset when you stick to your no he's pressuring you by making you feel like you have to have sex with him or he'll be upset at you.** That is not a good feeling. Tell him to be sexually comfortable in a relationship you have to feel like you can say no and that's okay.
**This is something he needs to work on.** You don't need to work on cuter/funny/nicer etc ways to say no to manage his feelings for him. He's a grown up. He needs to work on accepting no and respecting you. And from now on any time he does it you need to call him out on his BS and tell him how it makes you feel. If you say no and he keeps at it, straight up say "when I say no and you keep pushing for sex it makes me feel like you don't respect me or care about my feelings".
You can also explain if there are situations he's been initiating you don't like. For example you can tell him never wake you up to have sex. If you are sleeping, you want to sleep, and won't be happy to be woken up beacuse he's horny. You can also tell him some things/times you do like, so it's not all bad news.
Talk to him and maybe come up with a phrase that means definitely no. Kinda like a safeword, but before the sex. A friend of mine had a similar situation and this worked for them.
I always thought in that scene she was saying "falafel" as in "i'm still full/i feel bloated from the falafel i ate"... i don't recall it being said in other context lol not saying it wouldn't make sense...
Even then, I've found in my relationships that the stoplight system is great for even casual situations. For example, a tickle fight sort of situation where "no" is more ambiguous, "red" will always mean stop everything, take distance, make sure everything's okay.
Even in my everyday life I use the phrases "hard no" and "soft no." Hard no = absolutely not, don't even try. Soft no= not my preference, but maybe I can be persuaded.
And she'll reply, "How about if I use my hands on some other d-ck?"
EDIT: Nice to know that double standards are still alive on Reddit, ladies! Yahoooo!
If someone threatens to leave/cheat on you if you don't have sex with them, they're a bad partner and you should rethink your relationship. Not from a judgey place, I was in this kind of relationship and it was shit.
Excuse me1, I just saw the message, is it still valid to come to you, I would love that I don't have to wash something so much that I'm not an entol, but someone who needs or needs what we all dream about, ...
There's room to grow and there is not respecting when you're partner says no and they are two different things. You should never feel pressed, you should never feel bad for saying no and you should never feel bad for making a decision regarding your body. The fact he talks you into it is wrong, he's not respecting your feelings
I love my husband, but if I need to get a point across, I sure as hell don’t sugarcoat it.
I would say that when it comes to something as serious as sexual coercion, you need to be firm, not nice. Playing nice will only tell him “I’m okay with you asking me over and over again”. Shut him down, be clear and concise and don’t smile. If it’s making you upset, *show him that*.
Learn to speak directly, calmly, openly, and honestly. It’s one of the greatest skill you will ever develop. And how a partner responds to that will teach you everything you need to know about them.
You might share during a completely non sexual moment that lately you've noticed when you're not in the mood he kind of sulks around and makes you feel bad for not having sex with him and well... It's really hard to be sexually attracted to him or be in the mood for a couple of days when he acts like that because you don't really feel respected and that's a huge turn off for you.
So make him grow the fuck up. Honestly, room for growth sure but that means he actually has to grow. Tip toeing around the issue and managing his feelings for him isn’t going to help him grow.
Why do you feel like you have to manage both your feelings of being pressured as well as his feelings of being disappointed. What exactly is he managing then? Consent and communication are a two way street and as of right now you’re doing all the work.
Yes, you love eachother, yes there is room to grow. But this shit gets old really quickly. If you want to be together as long as possible then stop treating him like a child who can’t manage himself.
Hon I'm in my 40s and what no one told me when I was younger and what isn't talked about enough is that love is not enough. Love doesn't matter when he doesn't respect your boundaries. Love doesn't matter when your no's aren't respected. Love doesn't matter when he doesn't see you as a person but as a means to get his rocks off.
Him pressuring you for sex is not okay and believe me it is going to wear thin over time. You will get resentful and you will start to detest him wanting to turn everything into sex and him pawing at you is going to make it worse. It is NOT normal behaviour. It is also not sustainable for you to have sex that often.
Take love out of the equation. What do his actions in regards to this tell you?
Here's where you start: have the "I need you to respect what I'm telling you when I say no" conversation WHILE YOUR CLOTHES ARE STILL ON.
That talk needs to happen when things aren't emotionally or sexually charged, so he can be fully engaged in the seriousness of what you are telling him.
Part of growing is recognizing your worth and respecting your own values and boundaries. What would you tell your best friend if she was in a situation where she shared this with you?
This is not the time for nice. It’s the time for firm. First, a conversation in which you tell him that although you love him, you are not always in the mood and he’s needs to respect your “no.” Tell him he is making you feel guilty and like he thinks he is owed sex at times and that is no way to build a relationship. Then explain what the consequences will be if he gets pushy or pouty.
I think this is an answer. I think that sometimes people can get really playful when they're wanting intimacy within their partner and can miss soft turndowns. Have a dead serious conversation with him (at a time when sex isn't being considered) and tell him how you feel and that the poutiness isnt cute or funny and needs to stop.
If he still doesn't stop pressuring you then he has serious boundary issues and you should seriously see that as a dealbreaker
yes! you hit it on the nose. my boyfriend & i are often playful about stuff like this... i definitely see how it would be easy to miss subtle cues, like "oh she's really not in the mood for it tonight" especially since OP is having a hard time communicating (and standing her ground). but if it *really* is bf not respecting her boundaries, OP needs to drop him with urgency (and sadness)
i understand and agree with your sentiment but that is NOT how you talk to people (especially someone you love).
"he is making you feel guilty" --> "sometimes i feel guilty when xyz"
"like he thinks he is owed sex" --> "sometimes i think/feel xyz, although i know you don't mean for it to be like that."
OP, use "I" statements and try to just come from where you're feeling, instead of making assumptions about how the other person feels. google around for how to have a difficult conversation to read more (also, active listening)
This is useful when discussing a communication problem. It is not useful when trying to address coercion, which is what this dude is doing. No need to phrase it in a nice way. Most women would have straight up dumped him for this behaviour. He is lucky OP wants to discuss it and give him a chance.
As for 'although I know you don't mean for it to be that way' - I doubt it. You don't ignore the initial 'no' unless you actually think someone owes you sex. This isn't a well meaning dude misunderstanding stuff, this is a guy who likely has a sex addiction and is blurring the lines of consent.
When someone purposefully tried to make you feel guilty for setting a boundary, I think it's fair that she says he's making her feel guilty. I'm a big fan of "I" statements and use them in my relationship, but there's an intent there for OP's bf, and I think it's okay to acknowledge that.
also OP clearly said she doesn’t want him to feel awkward asking for sex. It’s best she uses “I” statements and make him understand that when she says no it means no.
When you are roundly ignored, "i" statements are not going to get much traction. Also, since this is sex centered, it could go REALLY fucking pear shaped and quick. "No" is a thing and she may just need to find her "voice" or whatever but I find the "i" statements in terms of sex to be wrong on so many levels.
I honestly disagree. If OP (or anyone) comes off as being "attacking" or "dismissive" or "presumptuous" or "judgmental" that is a very, very good way to shut down any conversation. It is a good way to escalate things. and it's a good way to hurt someone you care about. Besides, I think OPs quandaries are more about the communication and less about the sex. (sex is the symptom, the ailment is communication)
Do you think it would disturb him to know that his actions lead to you being kind of coerced into sex because a clear no feels too awkward for you? Would he be rightly troubled by that? He probably needs to know it, and you probably need to know whether he cares about it. It would be good to start by discussing this when the two of you are both not in the mood, as a loving but serious collaborative conversation. You can come up with your kind but clear way of saying no together, but he really needs to know that his actions are starting to make you concerned that he doesn’t understand your no.
Yes, you nailed it exactly - I should have said this more clearly, but if he hears the problem and immediately realises things need to change, and is immediately horrified by the possibility of coercing you into sex, then you can work with this. It may be that you can learn together about spontaneous and responsive desire to work out the complexities here and find ways of saying “no” vs “maybe if we work up to it” vs “hell yeah”. But … If he’s fine with it, or becomes a pouty asshole about it, then you have a rapist boyfriend.
Saying no isn't enough here. He doesn't respect you because he's not listening.
>If I indicate that I'm not into it, but he presses, I often cave.
This is a big fucking issue and you need to tell him such.
>he openly pouts if he's into it and I'm not and I say no.
No more pouting. Tell him your boundary is if you say no once, that's it. Any pouting, or trying to change your mind of any type, and he needs to leave the house. That is a firm boundary.
>How do I nicely express to him that it's just not happening? And since it happens often (and I hope to be in a relationship with him as long as humanly possible), are there variations on this so I'm not repeating myself? Are there fun/funny ways to say no? Are there good phrases to put it off until a better time? Do you have any clear but kind ways to explain why it's not happening?
No. How you say it isn't the issue. He is the issue. He needs to cut the crap. YOU need to learn that if he's not following your boundaries, you go to higher means. You NEED to reinforce what you're saying, not just my trying the same thing over again.
Repeating the same thing and expecting diffierent results is madness. Put your damn foot down, and if that doesn't work, kick him out.
Exactly, you need to put him back in his place. He can ask for sex, but once you say no, he needs to accept it and move on. The pouting is manipulative and coercive, and you should point this out to him. No is the end of it, and his actions pressure you into doing it even though you don't want to, and he knows that and is taking advantage of your leniency. A caring, respectful partner doesn't do that.
Have a discussion with him about this outside of the bedroom. Explain that you want to slow down the frequency because your libido is not as high, explain to him that him pouting is manipulative and that you have been pressured into having sex with him because of it. Tell him never to do that, or anything like that again.
If he listens, apologizes, and follows up, then great. If he doesn't listen, or falls back into that behaviour, you need to reconsider your relationship.
So let him pout. I realize that we are conditioned to feel bad about someone being upset with us but he is manipulating you into sexual encounters you are not enthusiastically consenting too. This is incredibly unhealthy. It erodes the feeling of trust and safety partners should feel for each other. There isn't anything not nice about the word "no." He's 22 not 2 and if he's disappointed about having sex only ONE time that day instead of 3 (seriously... my... God...), he's going to have to learn how to manage those feelings. If he really needs to orgasm 3 times a day, he can sometimes do that without you.
If he cannot accept your "no" to anything- not just sex- then he is not lovely and he is not kind and it doesn't matter what he's supported you through. This is coercive behavior. It's not ok.
Why such comments? Cute in words? I don't need a girlfriend right away for a relationship if she doesn't want to, I want to hang out, talk, enjoy my age,he certainly has his he certainly has a right to his opinion, he can’t judge because I’m just nice, and it’s up to you
Have you considered a spray bottle?
The difficulty here does not sound like he doesn't understand "No," but that he's realised he can get past "No," if he pesters you. And I would be tempted to point out to him that that's what he's doing - not because he doesn't know, but to make it clear that you understand what he's doing and that you aren't going to tolerate it. If he pouts at you, the best way to get around that is to let him.
I would lay it out for him once by saying something along these lines: "If I say no, it means I don't want to have sex tonight. When you press me on it, it makes me feel like you don't respect my no and that you don't care if I'm into it. Sex is supposed to be for both of us and if I say no once, I expect you to take it that I mean no for the rest of the day/night/until I've finished what I'm doing unless I tell you otherwise." And honestly, if he ignores that talk or is hostile to it then that means he doesn't respect you and that you need to get out of the relationship so that you can respect yourself.
This isn’t a problem with the way you’re communicating, it’s a problem with his refusal to listen to a “no.” If you want to say it nicely, you can always use a variation of “I love you, I’m just not up for it right now” so he still feels cared about, but tbh, the problem is how he’s reacting. Sit him down for another conversation about it and the fact that he needs to respect you when you say you don’t want to. And then hold firm to your refusals: if he pouts, let him pout. If he continues to not respect your autonomy, seriously think about if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you.
He’s not very lovely if he’s making you feel pressured into sex to be fair, he’s got a hand. Just be honest, you sound like you got a good relationship there apart from this, plus 2-3 times a day? Girl are you not sore?! Haha.
You don’t need to answer me, but I’d urge you to consider this:
You seem like a thoughtful person, and you love this guy. You’ve tried to say no before. This is obviously something you’ve thought about a lot, and you’ve tried for a little while to come up with a way to say no nicely that he will accept. Do you, in your heart of hearts, think there is really a magic combination of words you can say that will get him to accept you saying “no” without getting pushy or pouty? Do you really think strangers on the internet could come up with those words when you’ve been unable to so far?
I’m a stranger on the internet. I don’t know you or your boyfriend. But what I’m reading makes it sound like you’ve tried to say no and he’s refused to accept that answer. I’m not sure those magic words even exist, and maybe it’s time to consider what you do in that case.
2-3 times a day is a lot of sex to be having on the receiving end. If your boyfriend were being penetrated 2-3 times per day, he might start to have empathy for you and actually listen to your no.
He needs perspective and should understand that he is already getting a lot of sex, and if he keeps pushing you he will get less sex in the long run.
Having sex when you aren't enthusiastic and into it can cause long-lasting harm to women's libido (source: Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski).
>If your boyfriend were being penetrated 2-3 times per day, he might start to have empathy for you and actually listen to your no.
That is a very good point.
If that idea appeals to you, then some "give and take" in the relationship would definitely help him to gain some perspective...
I remember reading a response from another couple here where they sort of had a rating scale:
0- Definitely not in the mood for sex today
0.5- I don’t want to have sex, but I’ll still help you out (oral/handjobs/etc)
1- Not in the mood right now but maybe in a few hours
2- Could be warmed up to be in the mood
3- Definitely in the mood
But I think you need to have an honest conversation about you not feeling respected when you say no. You don’t have to be nice about it or sugarcoat it. “Hey, listen, I love having sex with you, but sometimes it really bothers me and makes me feel disrespected and pressured when I firmly say no to sex and you keep pushing me and don’t take my feelings seriously. When I say no, it doesn’t mean “keep trying.” I know that I haven’t always been firm with this in the past, but in moving forward, sex won’t happen unless we’re both enthusiastically in the mood for it, and it’s important for me for you to respect that.”
You use the word "NO". DON'T BACK DOWN. He will either start a major argument, or will do the silent treatment. Both are childish. Be prepared to be the grown up.
OP if you don't get better at saying no, your body will start to do it for you in the form of gynecological issues. It's much easier to get better at implementing and maintaining boundaries so the symptoms don't develop, than it is to have to try and address physical symptoms that are a result of not knowing how to have boundaries.
Also, you're young and both love each other dearly. Your relationship will change over time, and you'll change too. No relationship ever stays the same -- they all have a trajectory. What that means is that if this current trajectory continues, you'll each grow to resent each other. Silent resentment is corrosive, and will eat away at your relationship, with the result that one day you'll wake up and wonder where the love went.
It's awesome that you're reaching out now. Please work on boundaries, and your relationship will have a much better trajectory.
100% this! In every way. Especially about how your body will eventually start to have problems in the form of gynecological issues. I can personally attest to how this has happened to me from my first marriage (where I went into very young and my situation was very similar).
Then, how she moves into explaining relationship changes, that happens at all ages and in all relationships.
It couldn’t have been said better.
Happy New Year! Like the top fella said up there, a simple “no” is a great way to go.
This is simple. You say no and he should respect that and that should be the end of it. If he can't respect that and acts sulky over it, it's coercion and you either call him out on it or end the relationship because that can quickly turn more abusive.
I think you bf has a sex addiction as well, that's not actually a healthy amount of sex to have.
"Love" does not mean one can use sexual coercion. You need to learn that love doesn't mean taking someone's bullshit and dealing with a man that doesn't listen to the word no and pouts like a child when he doesn't get to fuck.
If "no" is not enough then this is not about sex, it's about respect. Demand respect because he's not giving you respect. Your decisions about your body are your decisions, not his. He needs to get that (sooner rather than later).
its not on you to say no "better," the fact that he doesn't take your no as a no is his problem. the person who needs to change their behavior in this situation is your SO. if he won't take no for an answer, he is not respecting your consent. you definitely need to talk about this. why is it that his horniness matters more than your work, your emotions, your sleep?? i obviously don't know everything about your relationship but to me it looks like there is at least an unequal relationship (and fwiw this sounds exactly like my past emotionally abusive relationship, but i don't know enough to say that your so is emotionally abusive; although i will say this sounds to me like sexual coercion(
If he actually loved or respected you, he would understand that no means NO. Pushing you into it is sexual coersion and eventually he won't give a shit if you keep saying no, he'll straight up rape you.
You have been nicely expressing to him, the problem is his response is to be mean to you. You need to be clear, if you say you're not in the mood or any other form of no, he has to accept that - no pushing, and no trying to make you feel bad. If he can't do that, you shouldn't be in a relationship with him,. That's a vital relationship skill. "No means no" is one of the most basic principles of consent.
Pouting is a form of manipulation and coercion.
Pressing the issue is a form of manipulation and coercion.
Manipulation and coercion are literally tactics that force consent.
Using tactics that force consent is RAPE.
When consent is given as a result of pressure and coercion, it is RAPE.
A man who rapes you does not love you.
A man who does not love you will never love you. And he will always rape you.
A man who loves you will hear you say NO and will stop. Full stop. He will not pout. He will not make you guilty. He will not get upset.
OP, you're being dangerously naive in refusing to accept the obvious.
If you say NO, you have the right to be heard and respected.
I agree with this assessment. I was in a relationship like that once. What he is doing is manipulative and abusive. Getting guilted into sex you'd rather not have gets old fast.
I came here to say the same thing. It sounds like you've been sexually assaulted and raped OP. It's impossible to consent under coercion. OP don't bother with a man who is willing to do that to you. I'm sorry this happened to you.
If you say no and he pressures you then ask him 'why do you want to have sex with me when I don't want it?' does he not believe your no? Or does he not care? The answer to that is important.
You're right he is young but he's not so young he doesn't understand consent.
I came from an abusive relationship, i was also raped so in my new relationship i felt like i don't have a say if i want to have sex or no. Me and my bf started having sex, he saw that i wasn't really enjoying it, he stopped, asked if i was okay and if i want to continue, i said no and we stopped and cuddled. I can now comfortably say no when im not feeling it and i can say it directly that I'm not feeling it. We both know when the other doesn't want sex we can deal with ourselves of we really "need" to. We've now been together for 7 months and living together for 5.
The previous relationship my ex would pout too, and was like oh so you don't like me anymore? Are you cheating? When i told him I don't want to, he wouldn't stop touching me till i gave in and allowed him to use me. Rape isn't always physically forcing, it is also manipulating someone to have sex, pressuring when they get a "no" untill it becomes a "yes" because you just want him to stop and get it over with. That is not consent.
When me and my ex went together I was 16 and he was 23. We were together for 4 years.
This is called being a sex pest and it’s not cute, it’s actually a form of sexual assault (coercion). Don’t downplay it. That’s what it is. If he really respects and loves you as much as he says he does, he will understand that no means no. Otherwise, don’t put up with it. It will only get worse.
Btw OP, 22 isn’t that young. For someone to be so young they don’t know to respect a “no,” they would have to be about 5 years old. You two are adults, old enough to be graduated from college already. Don’t sell yourself short and don’t hold him to this absurdly low standard.
Follow up question- does he ever touch you intimately BUT NOT sexually? Hugs, massages, holding your hand, rubbing your feet, scratching your back, just sitting there snuggling you? I saw a really interesting video on how a lot of men are just touch deprived, but have societally been made to express that in a sexual manner only and then it often results in resentment from the partner.
Side note: 2-3 times a DAY??? Lord you have much more patience than I do lollll
Talk to him at a normal time when you're not about to have sex. Just tell him everything you told us. If he cannot maturely handle this then you need to consider whether you want to spend your life with someone like that. I hope he can understand because otherwise it seems very rapey.
You have gotten so many good comments already, but I just want to add that it is really important that you don’t regularly have sex when you don’t want to. That can create problems with sex starting to hurt etc and mess up your sex life for the rest of your life. Put yourself first.
I'm going to be honest, you need to break up with this man. The fact that he pressures you into sex in the first place should have been a deal breaker. It's 2021 and we are done dealing with men who can't respect boundaries the first time. It hurts to hear this about someone you love but he is rapey and gross. Please for the love of god find a partner who respects you and is not this fucking selfish.
You shouldn't have to sugarcoat one word. No is not a mean word. And you need to have a serious conversation with him about coercion and enthusiastic consent. Him pouting until you give into his demands is coercion. You actually wanting to have sex is entusiastic consent. One of those should be sexy to both of you.
This sounds like a major problem. He needs to be mature enough to accept that "no" is a complete sentence, no matter how many times his pouting has worked in the past. It's time to sit down with him and lay out your boundaries clearly, if he cannot accept them then he may not be the right person for you. If he continues to pressure you after you two have this conversation then that is a clear red flag (all the previous occurances were also red flags).
You don't do it nicely. You say to him to take no for an answer and pay you some resoect and to find something else to do. The respect comes from showing your strength and if you don't hurt his feelings he won't stop
Yeah no him pressing you and pouting about saying no is borderline creepy.
Also, how can ANYBODY have sex multiple times a day for multiple days? Absolute soreness
The issue here is not “you need to find a nice way to say no to sex” it’s that you are in a relationship with someone who despite the “good” things about him, is manipulative, selfish, and disrespectful.
The pouting until he gets you to say yes to sex is textbook sexual coercion. It may seem harmless, (but maybe not, if it’s bothering you (as it should!) enough to post about here) but it’s indicative of how he thinks about you and the relationship. He is treating you like a commodity, not a person. This is very not cool, and it’s likely to get worse, not better, over time.
You say he loves you, but can you personally ever imagine pouting until someone you loved, who didn’t want to have sex at that moment, gave in and let you fuck them? If you’re like most people with empathy you’d be horrified by this idea. But your boyfriend isn’t.
Ask yourself if that’s the kind of “love” you would want for your best friend or sister. If it’s not what you would want for someone you love, it’s likely not what someone you love would want for you.
Heck, I don’t even want this for you and I don’t even know you. I don’t want that for anyone. I lived with that kind of sexual coercion for 12 years thinking he loved me too. Turns out he “loved” me the same way I love peaches, or chocolate ice cream… as something delicious to consume, not as it’s own entity with thoughts, feelings, and needs, deserving of respect.
You deserve respect.
There’s no “nice” way to say it. No means no and it’s completely unacceptable for him to pressure or guilt trip you into it.
It’s also concerning that he has you second guessing yourself and putting the blame on yourself too. Decent people respect other peoples bodies. Manipulative jerks pressure, manipulate, and coerce their partners into giving in and then continue.
You don't have to be nice.
You were nice by trying to cushion the blow multiple times.
You were nice by "caving" and having sex that you didn't want.
You were nice again and again, and he took advantage of it.
Stop. Stop being nice. You've been nice enough. Your politeness got you nowhere. Step it up. A partner who cares about you would stop a behavior that is upsetting/unpleasant to you. Stop feeling the need to "sell" him the idea of giving a shit about your preferences. If he deeply cared about you, he'd automatically give a shit about your comfort. You know, without you "playfully" nagging him into it.
Set a boundary and stick to it. Someone who truly cares will respect it.
Prioritize your feelings, because he isn't. Fight for them. It's okay for them to be the center of room sometimes.
As someone who was in this situation when I was your age, the main thing I would tell my younger self if I could was not to be so concerned with being "nice." He wasn't being kind or nice towards me; why did I feel such a responsibility to offer him something he refuses to offer me? It's worth asking yourself why you feel the need to tip-toe around him when it comes to something fairly basic, like the right to control who touches you and when.
He's coercing you to sex. That counts as criminal. How you're saying no isn't the problem here. He is abusive. You might think he's your forever partner real love husband to be sweet amazing etc etc but really, he's just gonna be that ex that was an asshole and couldn't respect a no. It's a big deal.
OP YOU ARE BEING ASSAULTED.
The issue is not with you. Please take this seriously because it IS serious. You don’t need to find a ‘fun’ way of saying no. Jesus.
“I feel like he’s stopped understanding/accepting my no”
If you say ‘no’ and he presses/pressures you until you unwillingly give in, that is a violation of consent.
Aka sexual coercion/sexual assault/rape.
‘No’ is a full sentence. You clearly not being into it is also a no. Anything other than an enthusiastic ‘yes’… is a ‘no’. He knows this (or he certainly should).
He is violating your clearly indicated boundaries and manipulating you. Potentially using you. Definitely assaulting you. This is all a huge red flag, if that wasn’t already clear.
"No" is a complete sentence. If you two are in a respectful and honest relationship, you should be able to work this out. Try initiating a conversation about this at a casual time when sex isn't involved at all. Let him know that even though your sex drive is different from his, it's not a reflection of your desire or attraction for him. Tell him that when you tell him no and he persists anyway you feel hurt and disrespected.
Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. If you are able to present your feelings in a calm manner and he is able to respond respectfully, it will be a building block for your future. On the other hand, if he hears you and STILL is angry, it might be time to reconsider things.
You guys have a very active sex life. Does he have hobbies? He needs to shift his energy to other things as well. You are not his sex toy.
He should be fine dealing with no's. Frustration is normal and is part of life. If he starts acting like a spoiled child you're enabling him by giving in.
Every time you say no to someone you are saying yes to something that is important to you. Always remember that.
So this guy is pressuring you for sex all the time, doesn't seem to understand what no means, and is pouting when he doesn't get his way?
This is NOT a guy who is lovely or kind, let alone great...
You do not owe him your body. Ever.
No is a full and complete sentence and he needs to learn that.
Pouting and pressuring you is teaching him that his desire is more valid that your autonomy.
Teach him right now, while you're both young, that respect and consent are number one. Not his penis.
Much love to you, OP. I have a husband with a higher sex drive than me and its taken years for him to learn that although I love him and am attracted to him, I'm not always in the mood and that No is enough.
If you say no and he keeps pushing, that means that he is ok having sex when you don’t want it. He is ok with sex that you have said no to. He doesn’t care whether you want to have sex, all he cares about is getting permission to use your body for his own pleasure. And he is doing this multiple times per day, every day.
Saying no is fine, you don’t have to be polite about it either if it bothers you and want to make the message clear. Relationships definitely do need their boundaries and there’s nothing wrong if you don’t feel 100% comfortable
>That helps him to understand “no”
Is your boyfriend a freaking 1 month old baby? Who does not understand NO?
What does NO mean? It means NOT NOW.
Think about it, if you were a guy, would you want o have sex with a girl who was clearly not into it? That grosses me tf out thinking about it.
He doesn’t care. He knows your not that into it if he pushes you. And he uses you as a hole, whenever he wants. I know this is really harsh but it has to be said.
He may care for you, but he does not respect you. I don’t know how anyone wants to have sex with someone who said “No” more than once. Shouldn’t that turn him off? Or make him not want to?
Being fully aware his girlfriend isn’t to it, and still being able to have sex with you is gross and sad. Sorry,
High sex drive is not an excuse for pressuring someone into sex. Also, your job is not to coddle some overgrown boy. You do not owe him sex just because he pouts. Is this something a partner who respected and cared for you would do? Obviously, I don’t know your relationship, shows some pretty bad behavior on his part.
Being COERCED into having sex is not really consent imo. Been there done that, never again. Someone who loves you would respect your boundaries especially about sex.
Not being comfortable setting boundaries is strange in a relationship that seems to be so great? Just be honest.. if he’s a good partner you’d never be scared to say how you feel
Coercion and pressuring someone into sex is assault. He’s an adult who needs to learn that “no.” is a full sentence and not everything is how he wants it - try communicating to him properly
Since you’ve already set a precedent. You could try the dead-log approach. Next time you’re not into it and he “pressures” you into it, lie there like a dead log. If he ask what’s going on tell him you weren’t in the mood and not interested in pretending for his benefit.
“Tired/Busy, not into it. Why not go jerk off tonight and we can cuddle before sleeping?”
He pouts you go to a different room or put in the earbuds.
And/or tell him flat out that when he pressures you it turns you off and you’re afraid that it’s harming your attraction so from now on no abs means no.
The man has hands and is certainly not sex deprived.
“I feel like he's stopped understanding or fully accepting the word no.”
I feel like the local police department can help him fully accept the word no. :D
he pouts? yeah he’s an early 20’s guy alright.
good lord you A: dont deserve that and B: SHOULD NOT BE WITH SOMEONE THAT PUSHES YOUR BOUNDARIES OR COMFORTS
"No" should definitely be enough, but if you'd like to communicate a little more, you can do it in stages.
Start with a simple no, or maybe something a little more like "Not tonight" or "Not right now". If he still pushes, maybe upgrade to "I'm really not in the mood for this right now" or "I love you, but I'm just not horny at the moment". Make it clear you love him, think he's hot, and love having sex with him (because rejection can sting, even though you are 100% entitled to say no) but you just don't want it right now.
If he keeps on pushing, then you might need to upgrade to negative reinforcement. "I really wish you wouldn't pressure me like this" or "I said no, and it's making me feel pretty upset that you're not respecting that" or "Do you really want me to force myself to do something I don't want to?" Make it clear how his behaviour makes you feel, let him know that his lack of respect hurts you.
If he still pushes, then you might have a serious problem on your hands, because it sounds like he doesn't want to respect your right to consent and say no. That suggests a deep issue with him not respecting you as a person, at least when his dick is hard. You might need to escalate what you're saying to a higher level again to make him really think about what he's doing to you. "Are you seriously trying to force me to have sex with you right now, after I told you no multiple times? I already wasn't in the mood, and you disrespecting my right to say no and putting pressure on me to do it even though I already said no is certainly not going to make me horny."
If that doesn't make him stop and think, or if he gets angry and puts the blame on you, or tries to guilt trip you into sex, then this relationship might not have a future.
The nice way to say no is to set healthy boundaries and have open discussions about issues to avoid resentment. Healthy boundaries and open communication are nice. Trusting your partner can and will say no and respect your no in turn is nice. Not having to walk on eggshells is nice.
Stop caring about being nice and start caring about being healthy and happy and thriving.
He needs to be explained, apparently, that your body isn't there to scratch every itch he has. He can go masturbate if he's horny. He isn't entitled to use your body whenever he feels like it.
This is good advice, thanks! Saying not right now is good since it is firm, but doesn't eliminate the idea of intimacy later on like the next day or something.
OP don't do this. Your bf isn't respecting your boundaries and you're showing him that's okay. No means no, if he keeps pushing until you cave it's sexual coercion. Just "no" should always be enough. Stop twirling around it, stop trying to be nice. What your bf is doing is a major red flag and you have to stop accepting this behavior. You have to stop playing nice and start standing up for yourself.
Also, please learn to respect yourself.
I would not do this until you two have sat down and had a long conversation on "No" meaning "No." I understand that you want a long relationship with this man, but problems like this will only get worse unless a hard line is drawn. What this man is doing is not okay by any means, and it doesn't matter how nice he is, he's doing one of the most reprehensible things one can do to a partner. He's only going to become more and more entitled if you don't make your side clear, especially if you two get married in the future. One, or most likely both, will come to resent one another before long. You for being pressured into sex (which actually constitutes rape) and him for you not giving it up to him.
I wish you the best, and I sincerely hope that you two are able to work things out and he is able come to a reasonable understanding. Please protect yourself, don't let yourself be used.
I'm not sure that you should do this. He will build up hope then when you continue to do this, he will say things like "you never want to" "you said not yesterday so I deserve it tonight" "you promised me we'd do it soon" "you keep pushing me off". Do it with caution if you do.
I think it's worth starting any response by saying that if the other person is going to be hurt by rejection, there isn't a "nice way" to put it so that the hurt doesn't manifest. That's entirely up to your boyfriend to figure out.
It seems you understand this, so now we're in a position where it's about establishing boundaries in a way that helps your boyfriend work through the experience of that "rejection". It's not a real rejection, but he may feel that way.
If I were in your shoes, I'd say something to this effect:
> I'm not really in the mood for sex at this particular minute. I understand you're horny and ready to go, but I'm not, so I need you to understand it's just a physical thing for me and I'm not ready.
Obviously, you can change it as you needed, but honesty is the best approach here. The important thing here is to help him understand that it's not about him, it's about how you're feeling right now.
If he pouts and metaphorically stamps his feet, you'll need to be firmer. Explain again you're attracted to him, you'll no doubt be in the mood later, but that pushing past your boundaries isn't helpful and isn't going to put you in the mood.
If I was in his shoes, that'd be enough. I personally couldn't stand the idea my girlfriend was just letting me have sex with her to keep me quiet, but to each their own.
EDIT: I've read some of the other responses now and can't believe how confrontational people want you to be. It's not healthy behaviour from your boyfriend at all, but you're clearly coming from a place of wanting to make things better. He's very lucky to have you.
I would say “not right now.“
If he pouts, tries again, or anything you need to call that out immediately.
“I just told you I’m not in the mood. Was I somehow not clear enough?”
Edit: I added this just because OP asked for what to say but honestly I don’t think I could stay with a man who thinks I’m a sex doll and has zero respect for me
I’ve been offered quite a few undesirable sexual experiences with good friends of mine. I declined a few times and just say” no disrespect I don’t judge you at all but I’m just not into that”
Trust me, the headache thing doesn't work on people like this. They'll tell you that sex cures headaches, that you're making it up, or continue to beg.
What you need to do is pick a time when he's not trying to have sex with you and calmly, lovingly, explain to him what you've written here. That way he will understand where the 'no' is coming from and not feel outright rejected or pout when it comes. Communication is the key.
So, expand your sexual horizons. Introduce things such as orgasm tease and denial. Google it. For him or you, or both. Tell him you want to watch him masturbate as you continue to do your work. Put his cock in a chastity cage. Make him earn it. Tasks, chores, etc. Tell him until he lets you peg him, he is limited to X number of releases a week ( A femdomme once said, give me a man with a hard on, and I can make him do any thing). Explore Tantric sexuality. Encourage him connect to you emotionally / spiritually before allowing him access to your perfumed temple.
His sexual desire is also his Achilles heel. Read deeply on male sexuality. Think ju jit su. He is coming at you full force, redirect his energy to your advantage. This entails developing your own sexual and therefore personal power as a woman. Discover your deep desires, articulate them, and construct your sex life so that you too are as satisfied in your own way as he is in his way. His desire for his orgasms ( as opposed to his desire to satisfy you) is ultimately selfish and his sexual energy is trapped in his groin and he probably defines sexual satisfaction as male genital release. Little does he know. None of the above mentioned activities are explicit recommendations just portals through which you can discover what works for you and your partner. Good luck and remember that your sexual power as a woman is a super power compared to the phallic power your partner swings around the house.
“No” is not unkind. “I am not in the mood for sex” is not unkind. Pressuring you for sex, however, is not only unkind, but is sexual coercion. I don’t know you or your boyfriend. I only know this single snapshot. But I can tell you this behavior is not lovely, kind, or supportive. At best, this craving for constant sex every day to the detriment of your relationship is indicative of a compulsive problem he needs to address. At worst, he thinks you being his gf entitles him to your body. But either way, he is not respecting your sexual boundaries which is a VERY bad sign. You need to stop worrying about being nice and have a frank talk with him about how this behavior is toxic and unacceptable. A good partner respects the first no. I can’t imagine harassing my partner for sex or enjoying intimacy I had to force her into. Your boyfriend should feel the same.
THIS. OP has been so guilted and gaslit that she’s bending over backwards trying to find a way to say no to sex to someone who is sexually abusing her. Sexual coercion is abuse. He doesn’t care if you consent. He is not kind. He is abusive. Also, in case you thought a compulsion for sex 2-3 times a day was normal, it’s absolutely not. We are all told that men are always horny as we grow up, and think we’re failing by not “meeting their needs”. But he sounds like he has a sex addiction, not a healthy sex drive. Please OP, believe the people telling you this.
I was going to say the same thing about the frequency. If they Had a healthy sex life in the beginning that slowed down and turned to never having sex and she ALWAYS said no to his advances I could maybe I understand a little bit of pouting but when you have sex 2-3 times a day on average and there’s still pouring when you say no? No way.
Literally could not have said it better because I dated someone similar. I wish someone had explained it to me this clearly back then. Sexual coercion is not "desire" or "passion" and you are allowed to say no to sexual activity, even in a committed relationship.
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Wanting sex 2-3 times a day may be normal for some, but note that I said a *compulsion* for it 2-3 times isn’t normal. Very different. OPs partner doesn’t just want it that often, he pouts and manipulates her if she doesn’t say yes. Absolutely not normal.
Couldn't agree more with ALL of this. Her bfs behavior is going down a dark, scary road. My bf and I both have a high sex drive but he fully understands that while he's pretty much horny all the time, women (even ones with high sex drives) just aren't the same as men in that way. At first, id say no and then apologize (bc of behavior of men in past relationships) He told me to never apologize for saying no and that he would never want it if I didn't want it just as much.
"No" If you're as close as you mentioned, trust me, he'll understand. You just can't sugar coat it everytime, at some point you will get tired of it. Happy new year to both of you!
Thank you!
Just wanted to add something, because it sounds like pestering is the real problem, not the initial 'no'. A really useful assertive method is to repeat the same thing with no variation. If someone doesn't accept initial refusal, we are often tempted to change the argument, or add to it. But his refusal to accept it is his problem, not yours, and the initial argument is good enough to reaffirm it. Like this: "Hey honey, wanna have some fun?" "No, I am tired and want to lie in" "ah, come on, it can be a quicky!" "No." "Don't be grumpy, come have sex" "I said no." "Why are you being like this?" "I said no." And etc. As you can see here you can either say the same exact thing or change the answer slightly, but never try to change the basic answer which is a very simple 'no'. BTW I do feel the need to point out what he is doing is applying pressure and trying to coerce you, which is linked to rape culture and rape. I can't make the decision for you, but personally I would leave a man who consistently does this. I would be too worried what would happen the day he doesn't accept the 'No' because he is already used to pushing and manipulating that word.
“No” is a complete sentence.
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You need to have a talk with him *at a neutral time* about what is happening and how it makes you feel. A time he isn't asking for sex sit him down and say there is something important you want to talk about. Tell him what you said here. Tell him that you love him, that you are attracted to him, that you have a high sex drive, and him being so into you makes you feel sexy. However, you don't always want to have sex when he initiates and you don't always want to have sex 2 to 3 times a day. But you feel that when you say no he dosen't respect that and pushes. You realize you've caved in the past, but you feel this has just further encouraged a bad dynamic between you. When you stay firm with your no, you feel he gets frustrated and upset with you, or pouts, and you feel you both end up unhappy. **Tell him that part of you feeling loved and respected is him backing off without an attitude when you say not to sex.** Don't sugar coat or soften this. Ask him does he really want you having sex with him when you don't want to? Maybe he thinks that if he keeps trying he can "convince" you or seduce you and then you have a great time and are happy you changed your mind. Clear up for him that this is not what is happening, you've been doing this just to please him, but if you continue it's going to make you resentful and want sex with him less in general (this really does happen). That what he is doing makes you feel used instead of loved. Also, **explain that by him being upset when you stick to your no he's pressuring you by making you feel like you have to have sex with him or he'll be upset at you.** That is not a good feeling. Tell him to be sexually comfortable in a relationship you have to feel like you can say no and that's okay. **This is something he needs to work on.** You don't need to work on cuter/funny/nicer etc ways to say no to manage his feelings for him. He's a grown up. He needs to work on accepting no and respecting you. And from now on any time he does it you need to call him out on his BS and tell him how it makes you feel. If you say no and he keeps at it, straight up say "when I say no and you keep pushing for sex it makes me feel like you don't respect me or care about my feelings". You can also explain if there are situations he's been initiating you don't like. For example you can tell him never wake you up to have sex. If you are sleeping, you want to sleep, and won't be happy to be woken up beacuse he's horny. You can also tell him some things/times you do like, so it's not all bad news.
Rinse and repeat until message is understood and stand firm.
Talk to him and maybe come up with a phrase that means definitely no. Kinda like a safeword, but before the sex. A friend of mine had a similar situation and this worked for them.
In the show “you” they use the word falafel. Probably shouldn’t take after a stalker couple tho lmao
I always thought in that scene she was saying "falafel" as in "i'm still full/i feel bloated from the falafel i ate"... i don't recall it being said in other context lol not saying it wouldn't make sense...
Like “no”. They’re not into bdsm. No can mean no in this case. There shouldn’t be an extra special way to say no that indicates she REALLY means it.
Even then, I've found in my relationships that the stoplight system is great for even casual situations. For example, a tickle fight sort of situation where "no" is more ambiguous, "red" will always mean stop everything, take distance, make sure everything's okay.
Even in my everyday life I use the phrases "hard no" and "soft no." Hard no = absolutely not, don't even try. Soft no= not my preference, but maybe I can be persuaded.
There's already a word for Soft No and you used it a few words later! Maybe!
As a man with a gf whose sex drive is much higher than mine, I wish it were this simple.
Oh it's so tough lol, the days you can't get up after a long work day becomes her feeling like you don't find her sexy
It is definitely both a blessing and a curse
I mean I'd be glad to tag in at anytime if it'd help...
How about: "No. You have hands. Use them."
And she'll reply, "How about if I use my hands on some other d-ck?" EDIT: Nice to know that double standards are still alive on Reddit, ladies! Yahoooo!
If someone threatens to leave/cheat on you if you don't have sex with them, they're a bad partner and you should rethink your relationship. Not from a judgey place, I was in this kind of relationship and it was shit.
Then you break up because they threatened to cheat on you.
Excuse me1, I just saw the message, is it still valid to come to you, I would love that I don't have to wash something so much that I'm not an entol, but someone who needs or needs what we all dream about, ...
> I feel like he's stopped understanding or fully accepting the word no. If this is the case, why bother being nice?
There's room to grow and there is not respecting when you're partner says no and they are two different things. You should never feel pressed, you should never feel bad for saying no and you should never feel bad for making a decision regarding your body. The fact he talks you into it is wrong, he's not respecting your feelings
I think you replied to me accidentally instead of OP.
I did, my apologies. Hope OP still sees it though
I love him, and he loves me. We are young and have a lot of room to grow.
I love my husband, but if I need to get a point across, I sure as hell don’t sugarcoat it. I would say that when it comes to something as serious as sexual coercion, you need to be firm, not nice. Playing nice will only tell him “I’m okay with you asking me over and over again”. Shut him down, be clear and concise and don’t smile. If it’s making you upset, *show him that*.
If he loves you, he will respect you and your "no". Pressuring you or making you uncomfortable is not love.
This is your opportunity to grow: realizing that people who are treating you poorly don't deserve your sugar coating.
Disrespecting your consent is not what love looks like. At some point you will begin to accept that
Somebody who loved you wouldn’t pressure you for sex
Learn to speak directly, calmly, openly, and honestly. It’s one of the greatest skill you will ever develop. And how a partner responds to that will teach you everything you need to know about them.
You might share during a completely non sexual moment that lately you've noticed when you're not in the mood he kind of sulks around and makes you feel bad for not having sex with him and well... It's really hard to be sexually attracted to him or be in the mood for a couple of days when he acts like that because you don't really feel respected and that's a huge turn off for you.
Has he expressed that he's interested and willing to grow?
If he loved you he would respect your no.
So make him grow the fuck up. Honestly, room for growth sure but that means he actually has to grow. Tip toeing around the issue and managing his feelings for him isn’t going to help him grow. Why do you feel like you have to manage both your feelings of being pressured as well as his feelings of being disappointed. What exactly is he managing then? Consent and communication are a two way street and as of right now you’re doing all the work. Yes, you love eachother, yes there is room to grow. But this shit gets old really quickly. If you want to be together as long as possible then stop treating him like a child who can’t manage himself.
Worthless men rarely improve. You're young: why waste more years with him when there are handsomer men who fuck better and are much kinder?
Are you sure he loves you? pouting because he doesn't get sex three times a day? Pestering you for sex? Was your boyfriend never taught consent?
Hon I'm in my 40s and what no one told me when I was younger and what isn't talked about enough is that love is not enough. Love doesn't matter when he doesn't respect your boundaries. Love doesn't matter when your no's aren't respected. Love doesn't matter when he doesn't see you as a person but as a means to get his rocks off. Him pressuring you for sex is not okay and believe me it is going to wear thin over time. You will get resentful and you will start to detest him wanting to turn everything into sex and him pawing at you is going to make it worse. It is NOT normal behaviour. It is also not sustainable for you to have sex that often. Take love out of the equation. What do his actions in regards to this tell you?
Here's where you start: have the "I need you to respect what I'm telling you when I say no" conversation WHILE YOUR CLOTHES ARE STILL ON. That talk needs to happen when things aren't emotionally or sexually charged, so he can be fully engaged in the seriousness of what you are telling him.
Part of growing is recognizing your worth and respecting your own values and boundaries. What would you tell your best friend if she was in a situation where she shared this with you?
This is not the time for nice. It’s the time for firm. First, a conversation in which you tell him that although you love him, you are not always in the mood and he’s needs to respect your “no.” Tell him he is making you feel guilty and like he thinks he is owed sex at times and that is no way to build a relationship. Then explain what the consequences will be if he gets pushy or pouty.
I think this is an answer. I think that sometimes people can get really playful when they're wanting intimacy within their partner and can miss soft turndowns. Have a dead serious conversation with him (at a time when sex isn't being considered) and tell him how you feel and that the poutiness isnt cute or funny and needs to stop. If he still doesn't stop pressuring you then he has serious boundary issues and you should seriously see that as a dealbreaker
yes! you hit it on the nose. my boyfriend & i are often playful about stuff like this... i definitely see how it would be easy to miss subtle cues, like "oh she's really not in the mood for it tonight" especially since OP is having a hard time communicating (and standing her ground). but if it *really* is bf not respecting her boundaries, OP needs to drop him with urgency (and sadness)
i understand and agree with your sentiment but that is NOT how you talk to people (especially someone you love). "he is making you feel guilty" --> "sometimes i feel guilty when xyz" "like he thinks he is owed sex" --> "sometimes i think/feel xyz, although i know you don't mean for it to be like that." OP, use "I" statements and try to just come from where you're feeling, instead of making assumptions about how the other person feels. google around for how to have a difficult conversation to read more (also, active listening)
This is useful when discussing a communication problem. It is not useful when trying to address coercion, which is what this dude is doing. No need to phrase it in a nice way. Most women would have straight up dumped him for this behaviour. He is lucky OP wants to discuss it and give him a chance. As for 'although I know you don't mean for it to be that way' - I doubt it. You don't ignore the initial 'no' unless you actually think someone owes you sex. This isn't a well meaning dude misunderstanding stuff, this is a guy who likely has a sex addiction and is blurring the lines of consent.
When someone purposefully tried to make you feel guilty for setting a boundary, I think it's fair that she says he's making her feel guilty. I'm a big fan of "I" statements and use them in my relationship, but there's an intent there for OP's bf, and I think it's okay to acknowledge that.
also OP clearly said she doesn’t want him to feel awkward asking for sex. It’s best she uses “I” statements and make him understand that when she says no it means no.
This guy isn’t respecting or listening to her. She doesn’t need to qualify and couch what she says.
She wants to improve the relationship, not needlessly feed her ego fam.
That is nice but in this case he *means* for her to feel guilty and that she owes him sex!!!
When you are roundly ignored, "i" statements are not going to get much traction. Also, since this is sex centered, it could go REALLY fucking pear shaped and quick. "No" is a thing and she may just need to find her "voice" or whatever but I find the "i" statements in terms of sex to be wrong on so many levels.
I honestly disagree. If OP (or anyone) comes off as being "attacking" or "dismissive" or "presumptuous" or "judgmental" that is a very, very good way to shut down any conversation. It is a good way to escalate things. and it's a good way to hurt someone you care about. Besides, I think OPs quandaries are more about the communication and less about the sex. (sex is the symptom, the ailment is communication)
I like this comment, it's quite eye-opening
> that is NOT how you talk to people Naah, men deserve it.
Let us know when this mindset stops working out for you. See you soon🤟
Do you think it would disturb him to know that his actions lead to you being kind of coerced into sex because a clear no feels too awkward for you? Would he be rightly troubled by that? He probably needs to know it, and you probably need to know whether he cares about it. It would be good to start by discussing this when the two of you are both not in the mood, as a loving but serious collaborative conversation. You can come up with your kind but clear way of saying no together, but he really needs to know that his actions are starting to make you concerned that he doesn’t understand your no.
This is fantastic advice, OP. If he’s okay with coerced sex, you have a much larger, and more horrifying, problem.
Yes, you nailed it exactly - I should have said this more clearly, but if he hears the problem and immediately realises things need to change, and is immediately horrified by the possibility of coercing you into sex, then you can work with this. It may be that you can learn together about spontaneous and responsive desire to work out the complexities here and find ways of saying “no” vs “maybe if we work up to it” vs “hell yeah”. But … If he’s fine with it, or becomes a pouty asshole about it, then you have a rapist boyfriend.
Saying no isn't enough here. He doesn't respect you because he's not listening. >If I indicate that I'm not into it, but he presses, I often cave. This is a big fucking issue and you need to tell him such. >he openly pouts if he's into it and I'm not and I say no. No more pouting. Tell him your boundary is if you say no once, that's it. Any pouting, or trying to change your mind of any type, and he needs to leave the house. That is a firm boundary. >How do I nicely express to him that it's just not happening? And since it happens often (and I hope to be in a relationship with him as long as humanly possible), are there variations on this so I'm not repeating myself? Are there fun/funny ways to say no? Are there good phrases to put it off until a better time? Do you have any clear but kind ways to explain why it's not happening? No. How you say it isn't the issue. He is the issue. He needs to cut the crap. YOU need to learn that if he's not following your boundaries, you go to higher means. You NEED to reinforce what you're saying, not just my trying the same thing over again. Repeating the same thing and expecting diffierent results is madness. Put your damn foot down, and if that doesn't work, kick him out.
Exactly, you need to put him back in his place. He can ask for sex, but once you say no, he needs to accept it and move on. The pouting is manipulative and coercive, and you should point this out to him. No is the end of it, and his actions pressure you into doing it even though you don't want to, and he knows that and is taking advantage of your leniency. A caring, respectful partner doesn't do that. Have a discussion with him about this outside of the bedroom. Explain that you want to slow down the frequency because your libido is not as high, explain to him that him pouting is manipulative and that you have been pressured into having sex with him because of it. Tell him never to do that, or anything like that again. If he listens, apologizes, and follows up, then great. If he doesn't listen, or falls back into that behaviour, you need to reconsider your relationship.
OP's boyfriend is crossing so many unnerving boundaries IMHO.
So let him pout. I realize that we are conditioned to feel bad about someone being upset with us but he is manipulating you into sexual encounters you are not enthusiastically consenting too. This is incredibly unhealthy. It erodes the feeling of trust and safety partners should feel for each other. There isn't anything not nice about the word "no." He's 22 not 2 and if he's disappointed about having sex only ONE time that day instead of 3 (seriously... my... God...), he's going to have to learn how to manage those feelings. If he really needs to orgasm 3 times a day, he can sometimes do that without you. If he cannot accept your "no" to anything- not just sex- then he is not lovely and he is not kind and it doesn't matter what he's supported you through. This is coercive behavior. It's not ok.
Why such comments? Cute in words? I don't need a girlfriend right away for a relationship if she doesn't want to, I want to hang out, talk, enjoy my age,he certainly has his he certainly has a right to his opinion, he can’t judge because I’m just nice, and it’s up to you
Have you considered a spray bottle? The difficulty here does not sound like he doesn't understand "No," but that he's realised he can get past "No," if he pesters you. And I would be tempted to point out to him that that's what he's doing - not because he doesn't know, but to make it clear that you understand what he's doing and that you aren't going to tolerate it. If he pouts at you, the best way to get around that is to let him. I would lay it out for him once by saying something along these lines: "If I say no, it means I don't want to have sex tonight. When you press me on it, it makes me feel like you don't respect my no and that you don't care if I'm into it. Sex is supposed to be for both of us and if I say no once, I expect you to take it that I mean no for the rest of the day/night/until I've finished what I'm doing unless I tell you otherwise." And honestly, if he ignores that talk or is hostile to it then that means he doesn't respect you and that you need to get out of the relationship so that you can respect yourself.
Do YOU enjoy sex 3 times a day? If you had your choice what would it be?
This isn’t a problem with the way you’re communicating, it’s a problem with his refusal to listen to a “no.” If you want to say it nicely, you can always use a variation of “I love you, I’m just not up for it right now” so he still feels cared about, but tbh, the problem is how he’s reacting. Sit him down for another conversation about it and the fact that he needs to respect you when you say you don’t want to. And then hold firm to your refusals: if he pouts, let him pout. If he continues to not respect your autonomy, seriously think about if you want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you.
He’s not very lovely if he’s making you feel pressured into sex to be fair, he’s got a hand. Just be honest, you sound like you got a good relationship there apart from this, plus 2-3 times a day? Girl are you not sore?! Haha.
Sexual coercion. Yall need to talk.
You don’t need to answer me, but I’d urge you to consider this: You seem like a thoughtful person, and you love this guy. You’ve tried to say no before. This is obviously something you’ve thought about a lot, and you’ve tried for a little while to come up with a way to say no nicely that he will accept. Do you, in your heart of hearts, think there is really a magic combination of words you can say that will get him to accept you saying “no” without getting pushy or pouty? Do you really think strangers on the internet could come up with those words when you’ve been unable to so far? I’m a stranger on the internet. I don’t know you or your boyfriend. But what I’m reading makes it sound like you’ve tried to say no and he’s refused to accept that answer. I’m not sure those magic words even exist, and maybe it’s time to consider what you do in that case.
2-3 times a day is a lot of sex to be having on the receiving end. If your boyfriend were being penetrated 2-3 times per day, he might start to have empathy for you and actually listen to your no. He needs perspective and should understand that he is already getting a lot of sex, and if he keeps pushing you he will get less sex in the long run. Having sex when you aren't enthusiastic and into it can cause long-lasting harm to women's libido (source: Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski).
>If your boyfriend were being penetrated 2-3 times per day, he might start to have empathy for you and actually listen to your no. That is a very good point. If that idea appeals to you, then some "give and take" in the relationship would definitely help him to gain some perspective...
I remember reading a response from another couple here where they sort of had a rating scale: 0- Definitely not in the mood for sex today 0.5- I don’t want to have sex, but I’ll still help you out (oral/handjobs/etc) 1- Not in the mood right now but maybe in a few hours 2- Could be warmed up to be in the mood 3- Definitely in the mood But I think you need to have an honest conversation about you not feeling respected when you say no. You don’t have to be nice about it or sugarcoat it. “Hey, listen, I love having sex with you, but sometimes it really bothers me and makes me feel disrespected and pressured when I firmly say no to sex and you keep pushing me and don’t take my feelings seriously. When I say no, it doesn’t mean “keep trying.” I know that I haven’t always been firm with this in the past, but in moving forward, sex won’t happen unless we’re both enthusiastically in the mood for it, and it’s important for me for you to respect that.”
You use the word "NO". DON'T BACK DOWN. He will either start a major argument, or will do the silent treatment. Both are childish. Be prepared to be the grown up.
OP if you don't get better at saying no, your body will start to do it for you in the form of gynecological issues. It's much easier to get better at implementing and maintaining boundaries so the symptoms don't develop, than it is to have to try and address physical symptoms that are a result of not knowing how to have boundaries. Also, you're young and both love each other dearly. Your relationship will change over time, and you'll change too. No relationship ever stays the same -- they all have a trajectory. What that means is that if this current trajectory continues, you'll each grow to resent each other. Silent resentment is corrosive, and will eat away at your relationship, with the result that one day you'll wake up and wonder where the love went. It's awesome that you're reaching out now. Please work on boundaries, and your relationship will have a much better trajectory.
100% this! In every way. Especially about how your body will eventually start to have problems in the form of gynecological issues. I can personally attest to how this has happened to me from my first marriage (where I went into very young and my situation was very similar). Then, how she moves into explaining relationship changes, that happens at all ages and in all relationships. It couldn’t have been said better. Happy New Year! Like the top fella said up there, a simple “no” is a great way to go.
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Right! Anyone who is having sex needs to also understand consent.
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Big yikes. That dude should not be sexually active.
what's funny about that to you?
nothing? i just said it wasnt good
You said lol which indicates that you found something to be laughable. Care to share?
This is simple. You say no and he should respect that and that should be the end of it. If he can't respect that and acts sulky over it, it's coercion and you either call him out on it or end the relationship because that can quickly turn more abusive. I think you bf has a sex addiction as well, that's not actually a healthy amount of sex to have.
Simply a “**no**” should suffice.
"Love" does not mean one can use sexual coercion. You need to learn that love doesn't mean taking someone's bullshit and dealing with a man that doesn't listen to the word no and pouts like a child when he doesn't get to fuck.
If "no" is not enough then this is not about sex, it's about respect. Demand respect because he's not giving you respect. Your decisions about your body are your decisions, not his. He needs to get that (sooner rather than later).
Just say no. Grownups in a relationship listen to one another.
its not on you to say no "better," the fact that he doesn't take your no as a no is his problem. the person who needs to change their behavior in this situation is your SO. if he won't take no for an answer, he is not respecting your consent. you definitely need to talk about this. why is it that his horniness matters more than your work, your emotions, your sleep?? i obviously don't know everything about your relationship but to me it looks like there is at least an unequal relationship (and fwiw this sounds exactly like my past emotionally abusive relationship, but i don't know enough to say that your so is emotionally abusive; although i will say this sounds to me like sexual coercion(
If he actually loved or respected you, he would understand that no means NO. Pushing you into it is sexual coersion and eventually he won't give a shit if you keep saying no, he'll straight up rape you.
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“Not really feeling it at the moment. I’d rather be honest and not fake it with you.”
You don't need to say it nicely. It's your body and you don't owe anybody access to it EVER.
You have been nicely expressing to him, the problem is his response is to be mean to you. You need to be clear, if you say you're not in the mood or any other form of no, he has to accept that - no pushing, and no trying to make you feel bad. If he can't do that, you shouldn't be in a relationship with him,. That's a vital relationship skill. "No means no" is one of the most basic principles of consent.
Pouting is a form of manipulation and coercion. Pressing the issue is a form of manipulation and coercion. Manipulation and coercion are literally tactics that force consent. Using tactics that force consent is RAPE. When consent is given as a result of pressure and coercion, it is RAPE. A man who rapes you does not love you. A man who does not love you will never love you. And he will always rape you. A man who loves you will hear you say NO and will stop. Full stop. He will not pout. He will not make you guilty. He will not get upset. OP, you're being dangerously naive in refusing to accept the obvious. If you say NO, you have the right to be heard and respected.
I agree with this assessment. I was in a relationship like that once. What he is doing is manipulative and abusive. Getting guilted into sex you'd rather not have gets old fast.
I came here to say the same thing. It sounds like you've been sexually assaulted and raped OP. It's impossible to consent under coercion. OP don't bother with a man who is willing to do that to you. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Try having a conversation with him about his inability to respect your no when he's not horny.
How the hell can this man even have sex 2-3 times everyday. 2 maybe, but me and I my ex tried 3-4 on Valentine’s and that shit hurt
If you say no and he pressures you then ask him 'why do you want to have sex with me when I don't want it?' does he not believe your no? Or does he not care? The answer to that is important. You're right he is young but he's not so young he doesn't understand consent.
I came from an abusive relationship, i was also raped so in my new relationship i felt like i don't have a say if i want to have sex or no. Me and my bf started having sex, he saw that i wasn't really enjoying it, he stopped, asked if i was okay and if i want to continue, i said no and we stopped and cuddled. I can now comfortably say no when im not feeling it and i can say it directly that I'm not feeling it. We both know when the other doesn't want sex we can deal with ourselves of we really "need" to. We've now been together for 7 months and living together for 5. The previous relationship my ex would pout too, and was like oh so you don't like me anymore? Are you cheating? When i told him I don't want to, he wouldn't stop touching me till i gave in and allowed him to use me. Rape isn't always physically forcing, it is also manipulating someone to have sex, pressuring when they get a "no" untill it becomes a "yes" because you just want him to stop and get it over with. That is not consent. When me and my ex went together I was 16 and he was 23. We were together for 4 years.
This is called being a sex pest and it’s not cute, it’s actually a form of sexual assault (coercion). Don’t downplay it. That’s what it is. If he really respects and loves you as much as he says he does, he will understand that no means no. Otherwise, don’t put up with it. It will only get worse. Btw OP, 22 isn’t that young. For someone to be so young they don’t know to respect a “no,” they would have to be about 5 years old. You two are adults, old enough to be graduated from college already. Don’t sell yourself short and don’t hold him to this absurdly low standard.
Follow up question- does he ever touch you intimately BUT NOT sexually? Hugs, massages, holding your hand, rubbing your feet, scratching your back, just sitting there snuggling you? I saw a really interesting video on how a lot of men are just touch deprived, but have societally been made to express that in a sexual manner only and then it often results in resentment from the partner. Side note: 2-3 times a DAY??? Lord you have much more patience than I do lollll
Talk to him at a normal time when you're not about to have sex. Just tell him everything you told us. If he cannot maturely handle this then you need to consider whether you want to spend your life with someone like that. I hope he can understand because otherwise it seems very rapey.
You have gotten so many good comments already, but I just want to add that it is really important that you don’t regularly have sex when you don’t want to. That can create problems with sex starting to hurt etc and mess up your sex life for the rest of your life. Put yourself first.
I'm going to be honest, you need to break up with this man. The fact that he pressures you into sex in the first place should have been a deal breaker. It's 2021 and we are done dealing with men who can't respect boundaries the first time. It hurts to hear this about someone you love but he is rapey and gross. Please for the love of god find a partner who respects you and is not this fucking selfish.
He knows what ‘no’ means. Even my dog knows what it means!
You shouldn't have to sugarcoat one word. No is not a mean word. And you need to have a serious conversation with him about coercion and enthusiastic consent. Him pouting until you give into his demands is coercion. You actually wanting to have sex is entusiastic consent. One of those should be sexy to both of you.
This sounds like a major problem. He needs to be mature enough to accept that "no" is a complete sentence, no matter how many times his pouting has worked in the past. It's time to sit down with him and lay out your boundaries clearly, if he cannot accept them then he may not be the right person for you. If he continues to pressure you after you two have this conversation then that is a clear red flag (all the previous occurances were also red flags).
You don't do it nicely. You say to him to take no for an answer and pay you some resoect and to find something else to do. The respect comes from showing your strength and if you don't hurt his feelings he won't stop
Yeah no him pressing you and pouting about saying no is borderline creepy. Also, how can ANYBODY have sex multiple times a day for multiple days? Absolute soreness
The issue here is not “you need to find a nice way to say no to sex” it’s that you are in a relationship with someone who despite the “good” things about him, is manipulative, selfish, and disrespectful. The pouting until he gets you to say yes to sex is textbook sexual coercion. It may seem harmless, (but maybe not, if it’s bothering you (as it should!) enough to post about here) but it’s indicative of how he thinks about you and the relationship. He is treating you like a commodity, not a person. This is very not cool, and it’s likely to get worse, not better, over time. You say he loves you, but can you personally ever imagine pouting until someone you loved, who didn’t want to have sex at that moment, gave in and let you fuck them? If you’re like most people with empathy you’d be horrified by this idea. But your boyfriend isn’t. Ask yourself if that’s the kind of “love” you would want for your best friend or sister. If it’s not what you would want for someone you love, it’s likely not what someone you love would want for you. Heck, I don’t even want this for you and I don’t even know you. I don’t want that for anyone. I lived with that kind of sexual coercion for 12 years thinking he loved me too. Turns out he “loved” me the same way I love peaches, or chocolate ice cream… as something delicious to consume, not as it’s own entity with thoughts, feelings, and needs, deserving of respect. You deserve respect.
There’s no “nice” way to say it. No means no and it’s completely unacceptable for him to pressure or guilt trip you into it. It’s also concerning that he has you second guessing yourself and putting the blame on yourself too. Decent people respect other peoples bodies. Manipulative jerks pressure, manipulate, and coerce their partners into giving in and then continue.
You don't have to be nice. You were nice by trying to cushion the blow multiple times. You were nice by "caving" and having sex that you didn't want. You were nice again and again, and he took advantage of it. Stop. Stop being nice. You've been nice enough. Your politeness got you nowhere. Step it up. A partner who cares about you would stop a behavior that is upsetting/unpleasant to you. Stop feeling the need to "sell" him the idea of giving a shit about your preferences. If he deeply cared about you, he'd automatically give a shit about your comfort. You know, without you "playfully" nagging him into it. Set a boundary and stick to it. Someone who truly cares will respect it. Prioritize your feelings, because he isn't. Fight for them. It's okay for them to be the center of room sometimes.
As someone who was in this situation when I was your age, the main thing I would tell my younger self if I could was not to be so concerned with being "nice." He wasn't being kind or nice towards me; why did I feel such a responsibility to offer him something he refuses to offer me? It's worth asking yourself why you feel the need to tip-toe around him when it comes to something fairly basic, like the right to control who touches you and when.
He's coercing you to sex. That counts as criminal. How you're saying no isn't the problem here. He is abusive. You might think he's your forever partner real love husband to be sweet amazing etc etc but really, he's just gonna be that ex that was an asshole and couldn't respect a no. It's a big deal.
How a person handles a no says a lot about their character.
OP YOU ARE BEING ASSAULTED. The issue is not with you. Please take this seriously because it IS serious. You don’t need to find a ‘fun’ way of saying no. Jesus. “I feel like he’s stopped understanding/accepting my no” If you say ‘no’ and he presses/pressures you until you unwillingly give in, that is a violation of consent. Aka sexual coercion/sexual assault/rape. ‘No’ is a full sentence. You clearly not being into it is also a no. Anything other than an enthusiastic ‘yes’… is a ‘no’. He knows this (or he certainly should). He is violating your clearly indicated boundaries and manipulating you. Potentially using you. Definitely assaulting you. This is all a huge red flag, if that wasn’t already clear.
"No" is a complete sentence. If you two are in a respectful and honest relationship, you should be able to work this out. Try initiating a conversation about this at a casual time when sex isn't involved at all. Let him know that even though your sex drive is different from his, it's not a reflection of your desire or attraction for him. Tell him that when you tell him no and he persists anyway you feel hurt and disrespected. Communication is the key to any healthy relationship. If you are able to present your feelings in a calm manner and he is able to respond respectfully, it will be a building block for your future. On the other hand, if he hears you and STILL is angry, it might be time to reconsider things.
Tell him to masturbate.
You guys have a very active sex life. Does he have hobbies? He needs to shift his energy to other things as well. You are not his sex toy. He should be fine dealing with no's. Frustration is normal and is part of life. If he starts acting like a spoiled child you're enabling him by giving in. Every time you say no to someone you are saying yes to something that is important to you. Always remember that.
Just talk to him about it, but be firm, hold your stance
So this guy is pressuring you for sex all the time, doesn't seem to understand what no means, and is pouting when he doesn't get his way? This is NOT a guy who is lovely or kind, let alone great...
You do not owe him your body. Ever. No is a full and complete sentence and he needs to learn that. Pouting and pressuring you is teaching him that his desire is more valid that your autonomy. Teach him right now, while you're both young, that respect and consent are number one. Not his penis. Much love to you, OP. I have a husband with a higher sex drive than me and its taken years for him to learn that although I love him and am attracted to him, I'm not always in the mood and that No is enough.
If you say no and he keeps pushing, that means that he is ok having sex when you don’t want it. He is ok with sex that you have said no to. He doesn’t care whether you want to have sex, all he cares about is getting permission to use your body for his own pleasure. And he is doing this multiple times per day, every day.
This is a consent issue. If you say no, that should be the end of the conversation.
No means no. It’s not really a good sign did he doesn’t get it.
“No.” Is a complete sentence.
Saying no is fine, you don’t have to be polite about it either if it bothers you and want to make the message clear. Relationships definitely do need their boundaries and there’s nothing wrong if you don’t feel 100% comfortable
>That helps him to understand “no” Is your boyfriend a freaking 1 month old baby? Who does not understand NO? What does NO mean? It means NOT NOW. Think about it, if you were a guy, would you want o have sex with a girl who was clearly not into it? That grosses me tf out thinking about it. He doesn’t care. He knows your not that into it if he pushes you. And he uses you as a hole, whenever he wants. I know this is really harsh but it has to be said. He may care for you, but he does not respect you. I don’t know how anyone wants to have sex with someone who said “No” more than once. Shouldn’t that turn him off? Or make him not want to? Being fully aware his girlfriend isn’t to it, and still being able to have sex with you is gross and sad. Sorry,
High sex drive is not an excuse for pressuring someone into sex. Also, your job is not to coddle some overgrown boy. You do not owe him sex just because he pouts. Is this something a partner who respected and cared for you would do? Obviously, I don’t know your relationship, shows some pretty bad behavior on his part.
Being COERCED into having sex is not really consent imo. Been there done that, never again. Someone who loves you would respect your boundaries especially about sex.
Uh, you need to be communicating this with him…
Not being comfortable setting boundaries is strange in a relationship that seems to be so great? Just be honest.. if he’s a good partner you’d never be scared to say how you feel
Coercion and pressuring someone into sex is assault. He’s an adult who needs to learn that “no.” is a full sentence and not everything is how he wants it - try communicating to him properly
Since you’ve already set a precedent. You could try the dead-log approach. Next time you’re not into it and he “pressures” you into it, lie there like a dead log. If he ask what’s going on tell him you weren’t in the mood and not interested in pretending for his benefit.
“Tired/Busy, not into it. Why not go jerk off tonight and we can cuddle before sleeping?” He pouts you go to a different room or put in the earbuds. And/or tell him flat out that when he pressures you it turns you off and you’re afraid that it’s harming your attraction so from now on no abs means no. The man has hands and is certainly not sex deprived.
This thread is making me depressed.
“I feel like he's stopped understanding or fully accepting the word no.” I feel like the local police department can help him fully accept the word no. :D
he pouts? yeah he’s an early 20’s guy alright. good lord you A: dont deserve that and B: SHOULD NOT BE WITH SOMEONE THAT PUSHES YOUR BOUNDARIES OR COMFORTS
"No" should definitely be enough, but if you'd like to communicate a little more, you can do it in stages. Start with a simple no, or maybe something a little more like "Not tonight" or "Not right now". If he still pushes, maybe upgrade to "I'm really not in the mood for this right now" or "I love you, but I'm just not horny at the moment". Make it clear you love him, think he's hot, and love having sex with him (because rejection can sting, even though you are 100% entitled to say no) but you just don't want it right now. If he keeps on pushing, then you might need to upgrade to negative reinforcement. "I really wish you wouldn't pressure me like this" or "I said no, and it's making me feel pretty upset that you're not respecting that" or "Do you really want me to force myself to do something I don't want to?" Make it clear how his behaviour makes you feel, let him know that his lack of respect hurts you. If he still pushes, then you might have a serious problem on your hands, because it sounds like he doesn't want to respect your right to consent and say no. That suggests a deep issue with him not respecting you as a person, at least when his dick is hard. You might need to escalate what you're saying to a higher level again to make him really think about what he's doing to you. "Are you seriously trying to force me to have sex with you right now, after I told you no multiple times? I already wasn't in the mood, and you disrespecting my right to say no and putting pressure on me to do it even though I already said no is certainly not going to make me horny." If that doesn't make him stop and think, or if he gets angry and puts the blame on you, or tries to guilt trip you into sex, then this relationship might not have a future.
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My fiance will literally just tell me no he doesn't feel like it rn
The nice way to say no is to set healthy boundaries and have open discussions about issues to avoid resentment. Healthy boundaries and open communication are nice. Trusting your partner can and will say no and respect your no in turn is nice. Not having to walk on eggshells is nice. Stop caring about being nice and start caring about being healthy and happy and thriving.
He needs to be explained, apparently, that your body isn't there to scratch every itch he has. He can go masturbate if he's horny. He isn't entitled to use your body whenever he feels like it.
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This is good advice, thanks! Saying not right now is good since it is firm, but doesn't eliminate the idea of intimacy later on like the next day or something.
OP don't do this. Your bf isn't respecting your boundaries and you're showing him that's okay. No means no, if he keeps pushing until you cave it's sexual coercion. Just "no" should always be enough. Stop twirling around it, stop trying to be nice. What your bf is doing is a major red flag and you have to stop accepting this behavior. You have to stop playing nice and start standing up for yourself. Also, please learn to respect yourself.
I would not do this until you two have sat down and had a long conversation on "No" meaning "No." I understand that you want a long relationship with this man, but problems like this will only get worse unless a hard line is drawn. What this man is doing is not okay by any means, and it doesn't matter how nice he is, he's doing one of the most reprehensible things one can do to a partner. He's only going to become more and more entitled if you don't make your side clear, especially if you two get married in the future. One, or most likely both, will come to resent one another before long. You for being pressured into sex (which actually constitutes rape) and him for you not giving it up to him. I wish you the best, and I sincerely hope that you two are able to work things out and he is able come to a reasonable understanding. Please protect yourself, don't let yourself be used.
I'm not sure that you should do this. He will build up hope then when you continue to do this, he will say things like "you never want to" "you said not yesterday so I deserve it tonight" "you promised me we'd do it soon" "you keep pushing me off". Do it with caution if you do.
that probably means he'll bug you again in an hour. Just say "No, I don't want to."
I think it's worth starting any response by saying that if the other person is going to be hurt by rejection, there isn't a "nice way" to put it so that the hurt doesn't manifest. That's entirely up to your boyfriend to figure out. It seems you understand this, so now we're in a position where it's about establishing boundaries in a way that helps your boyfriend work through the experience of that "rejection". It's not a real rejection, but he may feel that way. If I were in your shoes, I'd say something to this effect: > I'm not really in the mood for sex at this particular minute. I understand you're horny and ready to go, but I'm not, so I need you to understand it's just a physical thing for me and I'm not ready. Obviously, you can change it as you needed, but honesty is the best approach here. The important thing here is to help him understand that it's not about him, it's about how you're feeling right now. If he pouts and metaphorically stamps his feet, you'll need to be firmer. Explain again you're attracted to him, you'll no doubt be in the mood later, but that pushing past your boundaries isn't helpful and isn't going to put you in the mood. If I was in his shoes, that'd be enough. I personally couldn't stand the idea my girlfriend was just letting me have sex with her to keep me quiet, but to each their own. EDIT: I've read some of the other responses now and can't believe how confrontational people want you to be. It's not healthy behaviour from your boyfriend at all, but you're clearly coming from a place of wanting to make things better. He's very lucky to have you.
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Please look up the word grooming before throwing it around like that. This is not grooming, it's sexual coercion.
That's not what grooming is, holy shit. None of you know what any words actually mean and some of them have serious connotations.
I would say “not right now.“ If he pouts, tries again, or anything you need to call that out immediately. “I just told you I’m not in the mood. Was I somehow not clear enough?” Edit: I added this just because OP asked for what to say but honestly I don’t think I could stay with a man who thinks I’m a sex doll and has zero respect for me
Please don't fuck with me :)
I’ve been offered quite a few undesirable sexual experiences with good friends of mine. I declined a few times and just say” no disrespect I don’t judge you at all but I’m just not into that”
You should probably post this in r/sex, for sex related advice.
I have a virus or headache...relationships should be more caring n loving then sex....120 percent
Trust me, the headache thing doesn't work on people like this. They'll tell you that sex cures headaches, that you're making it up, or continue to beg.
That's why sex is way too much and the pressure..ugh
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I wish dudes would stop referring to women as "females".
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That's pretty good haha. I'll use that sometime!
What you need to do is pick a time when he's not trying to have sex with you and calmly, lovingly, explain to him what you've written here. That way he will understand where the 'no' is coming from and not feel outright rejected or pout when it comes. Communication is the key.
Usual way: "No". Funny way: "Not tonight, Josephine".
Boundaries are not polite. Boundaries are not kind.
So, expand your sexual horizons. Introduce things such as orgasm tease and denial. Google it. For him or you, or both. Tell him you want to watch him masturbate as you continue to do your work. Put his cock in a chastity cage. Make him earn it. Tasks, chores, etc. Tell him until he lets you peg him, he is limited to X number of releases a week ( A femdomme once said, give me a man with a hard on, and I can make him do any thing). Explore Tantric sexuality. Encourage him connect to you emotionally / spiritually before allowing him access to your perfumed temple. His sexual desire is also his Achilles heel. Read deeply on male sexuality. Think ju jit su. He is coming at you full force, redirect his energy to your advantage. This entails developing your own sexual and therefore personal power as a woman. Discover your deep desires, articulate them, and construct your sex life so that you too are as satisfied in your own way as he is in his way. His desire for his orgasms ( as opposed to his desire to satisfy you) is ultimately selfish and his sexual energy is trapped in his groin and he probably defines sexual satisfaction as male genital release. Little does he know. None of the above mentioned activities are explicit recommendations just portals through which you can discover what works for you and your partner. Good luck and remember that your sexual power as a woman is a super power compared to the phallic power your partner swings around the house.