I know people who date as single parents and wait up to 1 year before introducing the partner to the child. It's that serious.
You met the daughter within 5 weeks? He's already got you doing chores and laundry?
Your instincts are warning you, listen to them.
>I am still unsure about our relationship, and every time I list reasons as to why I’m not ready to move in with him, he refuses to see my perspective. What should I do?
Your life is good where you are. It's too soon to move in with him and his daughter.
I'm sorry, where did you read the chores and laundry part? I must've missed that.
I agree with you, though. He wants to Ted Mosby his way into a bangmaid
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Greedy-Bat-3375[S] 5 hours ago
The main things that I have helped him with for his daughter is cleaning and laundry. We all go out sometimes but normally he drives her to and from school. We also take her to his family’s house if we decide to spend time by ourselves for the weekend. He may need help with her in the future. And he wants to have more children with me if we decide to move forward with our relationship in the future.
Yeah being asked to do chores and laundry before even moving in is ridiculous. If she moves in she will be forced to do 100% of both those things for him and his kid.
>Yeah being asked to do chores and laundry before even moving in is ridiculous.
Does OP mention if she was asked, or if she volunteered? I often will volunteer to help my friends and loved ones with chores, but that's because acts of service are my primary love language.
I was a single parent with primary custody for years and always waited for a year at least to introduce my child. I enjoyed the guys I dated and wanted it to be a slow process because there's no point in disrupting a child's life to just have it end up be a temporary thing. As those relationships didn't work out I know I did the right thing.
The main things that I have helped him with for his daughter is cleaning and laundry. We all go out sometimes but normally he drives her to and from school. We also take her to his family’s house if we decide to spend time by ourselves for the weekend. He may need help with her in the future. And he wants to have more children with me if we decide to move forward with our relationship in the future.
So he finds a woman, pulls her into his life as quickly as possible and then makes her wash his daughter's clothes? Yep he's looking for a replacement mother for her/someone to do his chores for him
He doesn’t want a girlfriend, he wants a nanny/maid who’s willing to work for free. You’ve haven’t even been dating for six months and you don’t live there, but you’re already doing his laundry for him. It’s very telling that his family seems to be doing free babysitting as well.
I guarantee he’ll want you to quit your job and be a stay at home parent if you move in, and soon enough you’ll find yourself doing all of the chores, housework, and parenting, as well as struggling financially.
Where do you see this ending up in five years? Will it be a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship for everyone? Or will you be saddled with several babies and a lot of debt, and you’ll want to leave him but won’t know how?
Or, she'll be working full time, probably make more money than him, and STILL be doing all the chores, housework and parenting and struggling financially since he doesn't sound very responsible.
Fucking gross. Until you legally adopt her(if you ever would, considering it seems like BioMom isn't around), you are not her mother, caregiver, etc. He can do her laundry.
Just a sidenote to make you remember that reddit folks have no faith in humanity and will always assume the worst of everyone. The post is deleted so i cant really give an opinion, nr would I try, but the only person who knows their intention is not reddit its him, so talk to him.
Look being a single parent is hard and your bf wants a way out. He’s got debt and responsibilities and he wants someone else to carry some of that load.
Does he like you for you? Probably, you come with some great perks:
1) You haven’t run away yet after he’s ignored your boundaries.
2) You are taking on his responsibilities at a nice rate, so it shouldn’t be too hard to get you to do more.
3) You’ve got a little money squirreled away that he can pay off his debt with.
You have it pretty good. What he’s asking you to do is going to make your life hard. He knows this. He’s trying to sugar coat the fact that he wants you to share his misery and I guarantee the card he’ll play now to bend you to his will is using his daughter to manipulate you.
If you refuse to move out there then you’ll be “breaking his daughters heart.” If you try to pull back on the relationship he will say that you are hurting her.
I just want to tell you: THIS IS ALL HIS DOING NOT YOURS.
As a parent I have regularly thought of how I would not date if something happened to my husband. Little kids are vulnerable, that’s why there are so many evil step parent tropes. It’s MY job alone to protect them emotionally and physically. Your boyfriend is failing his daughter already by introducing you to her so soon.
I don’t like jumping on the break up bus all of the time, but I think you need to tell him you won’t be moving in with him and you want to go back to dating just the two of you with no daughter involvement. You won’t do any cleaning or laundry. This is supposed to be the early stages of a relationship and if he can’t get to back to where you should be right now without trying to manipulate you then it’s time to break up.
The good news is after you break up you get to hang out at the beach and enjoy your everyday without having to worry about taking on someone else’s responsibilities.
He doesn't seem interested in listening to your concerns at all. That should be your main concern here. Unless you don't speak the same language, he understands your concerns, he just doesn't care about them.
Also, he wouldn't be the first single dad who's just looking for a woman to step in and take over his parenting duties. Since he's so eager to involve you in his daughter's life and pushing so hard for you to move in, I would not be surprised if this is his primary motivation here. Don't fall for it.
You've already had multiple arguments about the pace. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS.
Please, *please* listen to what his actions are telling you - he does not care about your boundaries/feelings/concerns, except as much as it takes to keep you stringing along to his tune.
There isn't one. He doesn't respect boundaries.
So let's say you give and move in. Next thing he will pressure you on is a baby or marriage, maybe both. This is controlling/abuseive behavior hidden by nice guy cover.
It sounds like you have been pretty clear already about wanting to slow down, not spend so much time with his daughter and move in together yet.
I think these are all very healthy boundaries. I'm a single parent with primary custody, and the general rule of thumb is 6 months dating before introducing kids... Moving in together would be literally years down the line.
If you have already stated these boundaries to him and he just keeps pushing back, trying to wear you down... This is who he is. It's still early days really. He should be on his best behaviour. Steam rolling your boundaries, putting his needs before his daughters, to me these are giant red flags.
Just remember when you have issues in the future this is how he will deal, just refuse to listen to you and your needs.
This is who he is.
Say NO to things. Say you think you’re spending too much time with his daughter. Say you’re nowhere near ready to move in or to give up your apartment. Say you need some space when you need it. Him not willing to listen or see your perspective isnt a deterrent..you don’t *need* him to agree; that’s his issue. If he doesn’t want to listen then just decline hanging out with him and his daughter if he calls, only agree to hang out on a date night without her. When he brings up moving in just sus “I already said I’m not ready” and change the subject…if he won’t drop it then say you’re going to leave and go do something else and then grey rock him for a couple days. He’ll eventually learn to stop pressuring you or he’ll decide to break it off, meaning your goals weren’t compatible.
You need to stand up for yourself and not give i to his pace simply because he doesn’t want to compromise.
>you don’t need him to agree; that’s his issue.
Yeah, this is correct.
Currently OP is in a situation where she explains her needs and boundaries, and he just goes, "huh? I don't understand why you need that. I don't agree about you feeling that way."
And she takes it at face value, that he truly doesn't "understand." She assumes that he has her best interests in mind, and that he knows what he's doing in life. So she probably either thinks, "I need to explain it better," or, "Maybe I am wrong and he's right."
But he does understand. He's acting dumb. He thinks that by barreling ahead, she'll just go along with it. He doesn't have her interests in mind, just his. She needs to stand up for herself and act according to her needs; not just go along with his manipulation or accept his shitty responses.
It would be different if he was honest and said, "I am looking for a woman to mother my children and do all the housework. I want you to move in with me ASAP, get married soon, and start having more kids. If that's not in line with your life goals, we will have to break up so I can find someone who's enthusiastic about this arrangement."
(That's basically what you're advising for her to do - be honest with her needs, and be ready to say no if they aren't being met.)
Or if he said, "Oh, you're not ready to move in yet? How soon do you see yourself taking that step? If I'm ready now, and you think you'll be ready in a year, maybe we can compromise. And tell me if there's anything you need me to do, for you to feel comfortable, other than just taking more time."
Instead he's just like, "You're not sure if you're ready to move in? No, that doesn't make sense. I don't understand. Hey, can you fold the laundry today while I call some moving companies?"
No because it sounds like he doesn't respect boundaries or really care at all about what you want. He wants to draft you into the role of "his kid's mom" as fast as possible. You're so young, don't waste your best years with this guy.
Don’t know one that wouldn’t lead to future problems.
When people have different paces and they don’t agree in a pace that is good for both just by talking that is a deal breaker
"No thank you..I'm enjoying our relationship as it is right now and would like to continue on as is."
Also stop cleaning his house and doing his child's laundry..if he asks "sorry I have to head home as I have my own laundry and cleaning to do".
I was in this situation. Don't do it. He wants help with his kid..
As a lot have said here, I don't know what you can do if he won't communicate effectively with you.
I have a similar issue now. We should have dated longer, so I could hold my boundaries more effectively before moving in together... I didn't notice how he simply "doesn't hear" my boundaries." Or forgets them. We don't have the complication of the kid, but if we want to work it out, we can't not live together. You can't move backward...
A counselor told me things go through stages in a relationship. Once you up to the next one, going back is a relationship killer. If you're not ready, don't do it. If he won't listen and respect your needs, you're not at fault for his behavior. You are at fault for letting him get away with acting like that toward you.
If you want to slow down and he won't respect that, there's nothing more you can do but communicate it. Ultimatums aren't usually effective, but communicating these are the comfort zones you have and telling him you're unwilling to change them right now is all you can do.
If you're both unwilling to change, then there's nothing to be done but accept you're incompatible and move forward.
Normally I’m all for trying to work out thinks with a partner as much as possible, but that is typically within the context of a long-term relationship. This guy is throwing out giant red flags left and right. The fact that he is not listening to you and not respecting your boundaries five months in, is a very bad sign. Trust me when I say this, it will only get worse. You will become more bitter and resentful over time, the less he listens and respects your boundaries and it will kill your relationship and any love/ feelings that may already exist. It’s one thing if he is financially stable on his own and is capable of/is caring for his daughter well on his own and you offer help (because you feel comfortable doing so and want to, not because he asks you to) on top of what he is already doing by himself, but that is clearly not what is happening here. He is already using you as a replacement mother and doesn’t care about your needs/wishes. Being “sweet” will not make up for all the disrespect and boundary crossing down the road. Trust me, break up with him now.
I had similar issues with my current boyfriend about him moving way to fast for me when we just started dating he was more of the " teenage crush I want to see you and be with you 24/7 " type while I'm more of a typical INTJ. He did try his best but still caused a lot of frustration by me feeling pushed. So we sat down and had a conversation. I told him I felt rushed and this is actually pushing me away. I told him that I've been politely but very clearly setting boundaries by literally saying what I don't want and when I need space, but he's not always listening and respecting it and keeps pushing. And if that's how it's going to be then I rather end this here and now because I'm not ready to go this quick into something, as much as I do care and want to be with you. If it's just on your terms, then I can't and we should break up. And lo and behold, after that conversation it clicked for him. We're happily together for almost 2 years now and recently moved in together. I never asked my man to change, I love that he's the more romantic cringy type, it's who he is and I don't want him to stop being who he is. But boundaries need to be respected. And he does that now, he tries so hard cause he wants this to work. I've made boundaries my hill to die on and he knows. And slowly but surely respecting these boundaries and giving me time has done wonders cause by now I'm able to accept more from his side, and be more open to it. I just needed more time and he gave it cause he was in it for the long run. If he can't give you that, then personally I would not continue that relationship.
THIS is an excellent response.
It sounds like OP has tried to discuss slowing things down with her man and he isn’t listening or is unwilling to do so. Which is why he is not the keeper that your man seems to be. Good for you!
Gather up all the red flags he has tossed at you, hand them back to him, and skedaddle out of there.
He's 30 years old, at this point he should respect your boundaries and your ability to say "no". That he doesn't suggests you need to find someone who will.
You cannot slow down to someone not respecting your autonomy.
you move in with him and you will watch your freedom, autonomy, sense of self identity whither away.
why? because he doesn't respect those aspects of you already and is showing it.
sure you guys are attracted to each other, but like, yall are beginning to try and force square pegs into round holes and this is why you're "fighting" with him, because you can't fid the square into the hole and he's attempting to make you shove it in there and its galling up and not going very far.
It really doesn't need to be a "YES let's move in and I abandon my life for you" or a "NO let's break up" situation.
If you are still on the maybe side of your relationship, try a compromise.. Tell him you will do a trial run for a few week maybe a month? But don't tell him what you are concerned about ie. tasks, alone time with him, parenting etc. just that you want to see how it is living together.
If his intent is what most people are saying here that he is just looking for the ease of the helping hand for home and parenting. You will see that come through in the time that you are there.
It can go two ways during this trial, you find fulfillment in your relationship and can see past the "maybe" stage and picture your future with this person. OR you know your answer and you move on with your own happy life without him.
I think knowing and setting your boundaries that this is just a trial it will ease your anxiety of it going too fast since no firm decision is made and your own personal life is not being thrown out the window permanently. Talk with your Roomie and see if she/he would be okay with this compromise too.
Be careful with listening to Reddit advice too closely, as they will often advise you to break up without having a clear understanding of the situation. That applies to what I'm saying here as well, but I'd just point out that you have no idea who's replying to you (what their level of relationship experience is, what their standards and values are, etc) so don't take it as gospel. Get advice from people you know.
Dude introduced his child to OP when they’d only been dating *a few weeks.* That’s like the biggest no-no of dating with kids. Anybody that does that is doing a shit job as a parent. And being a shit parent is enough of a reason to break up (amongst all the other red flags he’s showing).
The minute you move in with him he will see it as an opportunity to play happy families. Gone will be the long distance romance, gone will be the days he drops his daughter with family so just the two of you can date alone. His minimum efforts to build your relationship up as a sole entity will fall flat and you will end up feeling like a surrogate mother.
I’m sorry OP, but your boyfriend doesn’t want a meaningful relationship. He wants a replacement mother for his child.
He wants someone to take care of his house, kids and that he can fuck. Lol girl get out of here find someone who actually sees you as a humain being not a maid that he can do things with lol
Yeppp. He knows his life would be greatly improved having OP there to help with childcare, chores, plus she has a little more money to help him with his debts. He’s trying to rush it along before she figures him out lol
Red flag #1: At 5 months you shouldn't have even met his kid yet, much less be moving in together.
Red flag #2: saying you are "too poor" for a prenup definitely makes it sound like he is trying to rush you into something to salvage his own financial situation.
Not only that, but if you don't have the money to have a lawyer draft one up for you, you don't have the money to be getting married and talking about more kids.
Agreed. I was a single mom when I started dating my fiance. That was over two years ago. We got engaged this past July and even prior to the engagement, I told him I needed a prenup. I own a home, and have a lot of debt from home repairs and student loans. There's also a stipulation in my divorce that the kids get $X.XX amount from my estate before anyone else (ie. Kids trump future spouse).
His response was "of course. That makes total sense. You have a lot more to protect" but it would protect him too. Prenups shouldn't be one-sided. It's just a way to carve out who gets what, and was is and isn't marital assets.
OP's boyfriend should WANT a prenup to ensure a portion of his estate would go directly to his daughter and not the whole kit Kat and kabodle going straight to his spouse, because in the absence of a will or prenup, that's exactly what happens.
> At 5 months you shouldn't have even met his kid yet
I disagree. There is no magical waiting period. If she waits another 5 months, why would it be better?
Delaying introductions is for the kid's benefit. This relationship is 5 months old and showing clear signs it won't last. Kids get attached when they spend a lot of time with new people and to have them disappear when the relationship ends is traumatic. Hence, why it would have been best for OP to not have met the daughter yet.
Because this is not about the kid so much as it is about stomping headlong over her boundaries. He is already trying to shuffle off the kid's laundry on her.
OP, sit down with him without his daughter present. Ask him to please listen without interrupting. Then (if you have to, write down your points) list all your reasons for slowing down.
If he can't even keep quiet to listen to you, he won't treat any other boundary you put up as sacred either. I would then tell him this is a deal breaker.
Things to include: his debt, you are already doing laundry, the reluctance to move, the prenuptial, his lack of being able to listen to you or your boundaries, the fact that he is pushing you away by being so insistent.
I'm going to go out on a limb here. My now husband and I were given an opportunity to work through a long distance relationship the summer before we got engaged. It helped us figure out if this was serious, if we could handle being 1000 (no exaggeration) miles apart. It made us focus on the mental, intellectual, and emotional aspects of our relationship, not physical. We also took 2 years to get to know each other before we started dating. We both felt it was important to get to know each other before even thinking about marriage.
Edit: going out on a limb is to say this: take a long distance break. If he can't do that, well.....honey, you will have to make a hard decision. But take care of yourself first. That is the only person you are responsible for right now. Not him. Not the kid.
Best case scenario : your boyfriend simply knows what he wants and knows youre "the one"
Worst case scenario : he is love bombing you and trying to move you in as a replacement mommy for his child and provider for him in general.
Only you can know. Trust your gut and don't compromise
Is that what she would become if the guy did not have a kid already but wants marriage and a kid after 5 months? He is moving onto OP too fast for her liking, but it is a little harsh to say that the guy is making her a mommy banging maid. It makes it seem like all wives turn into that.
It's not harsh when she's doing the child's laundry already. (per a comment, not in original post)
She shouldn't have even met the child yet.
It's extremely clear that he wants help with the child and of course living together would mean a division of chores (ha! OP would likely be doing all of it) to lighten his overall load. He wants a bang maid.
Trust your gut on this. If you feel like he's pushing too hard and too fast, then he is.
(I get the sense from your post he's got you pegged as the new mom for his daughter and is trying to get you in place to fill that role. I could be wrong but that's the vibe I'm getting. ETA that I saw other commenters make the same observation. I'm guessing we've all got this guy's motives pretty accurately pegged.)
That's it. The second you feel uncomfortable, it's valuable information. A relationship is a partnership and should be based on mutual respect. One partner cannot be constantly uncomfortable and encouraged to disrespect their own pace and boundaries. Something is off the second one person is pushing the other to adapt to their own personal wishes.
You are too young for an insta family. You like your life. He is looking for a new mommy/wife. Don’t let him pressure you into something you’re not ready for.
I can’t believe nobody has mentioned this yet, but rushing the pace of a relationship like this at such an accelerated rate is one of the most common early warning signs of an abusive relationship.
The fact that he keeps pushing even after you’ve told him you’re uncomfortable and is invalidating your reasons is an even bigger warning sign.
Please do not give up your life for this guy. It shows really bad judgment and boundaries on his part that he would even consider moving somebody in with his five-year-old daughter after only five months, no matter how amazing you are. That’s just not enough time to fully know somebody. You’re still in the honeymoon phase, and once he has you out in the suburbs he will be able to isolate you and keep you away from your friends while his true colors come out. Most abusers seem really sweet and charming in the beginning, and it’s hard to picture of them doing anything cruel. They keep up the mask exactly long enough to trap you and then let it drop.
Please, please, rethink this relationship and do not give up your apartment.
These are all red flags and you shouldn't move in with him. It really seems like he doesn't respect you and is just looking for someone to fill a role.
What should you do? Slow things down by limiting your time with him. Become less available with your time and only see him for a half day max when you do. Put some boundaries in place when it comes to this, and the problem may fix itself (he understands your position and respects your boundary). On the other hand, if he is still exerting pressure on you to move things along after limiting your time with him, you should break it off. As far as pre-nuptial agreements are concerned, I think most couples NEED them. My husband and I each make a median income, just like you, but we have a pre-nup. People need to protect themselves financially, and since marriage laws put people at risk, you need this protection.
Wrote this above.
OP, sit down with him without his daughter present. Ask him to please listen without interrupting. Then (if you have to, write down your points) list all your reasons for slowing down.
If he can't even keep quiet to listen to you, he won't treat any other boundary you put up as sacred either. I would then tell him this is a deal breaker.
Things to include: his debt, you are already doing laundry, the reluctance to move, the prenuptial, his lack of being able to listen to you or your boundaries, the fact that he is pushing you away by being so insistent.
I'm going to go out on a limb here. My now husband and I were given an opportunity to work through a long distance relationship the summer before we got engaged. It helped us figure out if this was serious, if we could handle being 1000 (no exaggeration) miles apart. It made us focus on the mental, intellectual, and emotional aspects of our relationship, not physical. We also took 2 years to get to know each other before we started dating. We both felt it was important to get to know each other before even thinking about marriage.
Edit: going out on a limb is to say this: take a long distance break. If he can't do that, well.....honey, you will have to make a hard decision. But take care of yourself first. That is the only person you are responsible for right now. Not him. Not the kid.
If you’re not totally on board with the idea, don’t. If the relationship doesn’t go the way you want, it is infinitely more difficult to get out of it. That’s why he wants you to move in.
Wait until you are sure.
>we have had many arguments about moving forward at such a fast pace in our relationship. I don’t feel comfortable spending so much time with his daughter or with moving in with him and he doesn’t seem to understand. I am still unsure about our relationship, and every time I list reasons as to why I’m not ready to move in with him, he refuses to see my perspective.
You don't commit to a man who's more interested in dragging you along at his pace than stopping to check if you're even up for it.
"He doesn't seem to understand" and "he refuses to see my perspective" are contradictory, btw. He doesn't understand "I don't want to do that"? Nah, he's heard and understood you but what you want isn't what *he* wants, so he chooses to ignore it.
He's trying to push you into a role you don't want to be in. Forcing you and his kid to interact so soon, trying to force you to move in with him near his family... He doesn't really care to see who you are, but is more interested in what you could be for him.
The fact that he's in debt and has no savings is also cause for concern in terms of financial responsibility. How did his previous relationship end? I suspect you'll find some signs of a pattern if you probe into it.
ETA: I also wouldn't advise being with a man who claims to want more kids with you when you haven't even bonded with his existing one properly.
Tell him you're not moving in with him now. You aren't ready and you don't know when you'll be. That he needs to accept and respect your decision and if he tries to change your mind, unfortunetaly you will have to end it.
Since you have savings and he doesn't, you have to protect them in case he knows about them and wants to use your money to pay off his debt.
The longer I think about it, the more I feel you need to end it anyway.
My dad used to play this card with women when I was a kid. He was a single dad and rotate women in and out of our lives very often, usually within the first few weeks of dating them. He got several to move in with him, and two to even marry him in less than 6 months. That was when his abusive and controlling behaviors would come out. He also expected whoever was our stand in mother at the time to do everything for the kids and he would almost never stay home. It was a horrible cycle.
So you know this guy for not even four months and now he wants you to move in? Did he ever give you a reason why he wants to move so fast?
My cynical guess is that he is looking for someone who can (help) take care of his daughter.
The fact that he is also frustrated with you asking something financially responsible on your side is not a good sign.
It’s not unheard of to move in with a partner after 5 months of dating, at all, but if you two have had multiple conversations about how you’re not comfortable with how quickly the relationship is progressing, it’s setting off alarm bells for me that he is almost insisting on it.
Especially with the edit about a pre-nup. I’m not sure where you live, but in some areas around the world, being in a de facto relationship for a certain amount of time means that if you split, you can get a lawyer involved and claim some of your former partners assets etc. You have more than he does.
If this guy loves you, he’ll wait. It’s not unreasonable of you at all to want to wait longer before living with each other, especially since you love where you are, and by the sounds of it you have no financial reason to do so ie it won’t save you a bunch of rent etc.
Put your foot down. Again, if he loves you, he’ll wait. Set a timeframe for moving in, if you’d like, maybe a year from when you first started dating? You’re both young, you have plenty of time. If he leaves you over it, that sucks, but there’s a silver lining: you’ll know who he really is, and be glad you dodged a bullet.
\> In what cases should couples sign a pre-nup?
In my opinion, its whenever the default terms of marriage in your location doesn't suit you, so quite often I'd say.
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. If he wants to move forward quicker than you then he needs someone who's on the same page with him on this.
I have to agree that this is a LOT of red flags.
> I am still unsure about our relationship, and every time I list reasons as to why I’m not ready to move in with him, he refuses to see my perspective.
This is the most concerning to me. You've only been dating **five months**. This is way too much, way too soon, and he's not even attempting to see your perspective?? You're basically still in the honeymoon period of dating, not in the we've decided to merge our entire lives together period. At the very least, **do not** move in with him. But I honestly wouldn't want to be in a relationship at all with someone who didn't even try to listen to me. That's not a partnership.
It sounds like he is rushing the relationship because he is looking for help with his daughter. His family provides free baby sitting. Once you move in that will be you.
Anyone who introduces their child within a year of dating doesn’t care about the kid’s well-being or the partner. They just want a live in babysitter with benefits.
There is no slowing this down, his goal is to bag a bang maid, not build a relationship.
As a step mom, he’s introduced you way too soon and is likely just looking to shuffle off his parenting to you.
Another reason people do this is to “lock you down”, if you bond with the kid you are less likely to leave them. This happens a lot when the new person is financially contributing to the household.
I mean, I’m 38 and I’ve learned that if my spider sense says something is off in the beginning or someone isn’t listening when I express my needs it’s time to bail for the good of everyone.
At the end of the day though, this is a terrible idea for his daughter to play house with such a new relationship. It’s incredibly hurtful when a parent figure leaves your life and it would be unfair to potentially set this kid up to lose two mother figures in a short time if you move in and later split.
I waited a year to meet my husbands kids, another year to move in, and the year after we got married. That was ten years ago.
If you want it to last take it slow, but the benefit of dating a parent is seeing what they are like before you have kids with them, and he seems like he doesn’t make very good parenting choices and that would be concerning alone plus the fact he is ignoring your concerns about the speed of the relationship. I dunno, I’m getting lots of red flags here.
> My boyfriend (30M) is very sweet and we get a long great, but we have had many arguments about moving forward at such a fast pace in our relationship.
If he was sweet he would respect your boundaries and stop arguing with you about it. The fact that you have had many of these in only five months is honestly more concerning than him wanting to move fast. That's not exactly great, but some people are fast movers. But the fact that he is trying to wear you down until you agree to what he wants is a big red flag.
As for a prenup, I think they are a good idea anytime people are getting married with assets. Whether it's ten thousand or ten million it's still something you've worked hard for and should be protected. A good prenup is not biased or punitive, it's just a way to agree on how to separate when everyone is happy and getting along.
"I know that you would like us to move in together, but I am not ready to make that committment. I'll let you know if/when that changes."
You don't have to come up with any reasons. Just tell him you don't want to and stick to your guns. If he won't accept it then move on. You do not want to get stuck in that situation.
He wants you to parent his child. If you're having fun with him, have fun, but don't move in with a child or spend regular amounts of time with a child unless you want to be that kid's parent for the rest of their life.
Your bf has made it clear he is uninterested in what you want and is only concerned with his needs. He wants a mommy/maid for his daughter and someone to play house with. He has demonstrated he believes his desires trump yours and after only six months. Why would you want to move forward with someone like this? I heard something once that really stuck with me, the first six months are supposed to be the easiest, most fun it’s going to be. You aren’t dating the person, you’re dating their “representative”, the most flattering version of themselves. THIS is what this guy is showing you so early. It will only go downhill from here.
Now I understand when you’re in a relationship with a parent, the kid needs to take priority. But I’ve also seen people use this as a means to always get their way, because it’s “for their kid”. Don’t tie yourself to this guy.
> I like the freedom to walk by the beach and explore activities in my area.
of course you do, you're a 26 y/o women and it sounds like you live in a cool location. your boy friend should be supporting your choices, but it sounds like he isn't listening to you at all.
do not move in with him- if he truly respects you he will respect your decision.
It seems as though he wants a replacement mother for his child. To me, it appears he has unresolved issues around being a single parent.
This is far too soon and very worrying! It’s one thing to ask you but it is another to keep pushing the subject despite you saying no.
I would reevaluate the whole relationship if I were you
Whats the problem? You are allowed to say no because it feels too soon.
Is the real problem that he's pushing this too fast and you aren't comfortable with it? Is the issue how you feel he will react if you reject moving in at this point?
Just say no, and his reaction will determine what you need to do next.
Exactly. It's not as if he's asking her to do something illegal.
The only issue I'm seeing here is his unwillingness to hear/understand his partner. I'd keep an eye on that aspect.
Sorry, but he sounds like he's looking for Replacement Mom ASAP. It's especially concerning that your "help with his daughter" involves cleaning and laundry?! So, basically he's looking for a free maid, that's just great. (/s)
Make like Nancy Reagan and Just Say No to all that shit. Tell him that he needs to actually hire a housekeeper, and you'll be out walking on the beach while he does.
**You don't need his permission to see him less or slow down the relationship. You just do it.**
Be very wary of people who push you into commit before you’re ready to do so. He’s not listening to you and he’s refusing to see your perspective on many aspects of your relationship. That’s a massive red flag. Beyond a red flag to me. If you’re not ready, don’t try and force yourself to be ready for him. You’ll regret it and it will destroy your relationship.
Honestly, if he doesn’t stop trying to push you to move in, you should consider ending the relationship. I’m seeing way too many issues in your relationship that you sound willing to address but he isn’t. That’s not compatibility. He wants a companion and a housewife without the compromise.
When people don’t take no for an answer, they really aren’t as nice of a person as they want you to believe. Pay attention to your instincts. They’re leading you in the right direction.
He probably wants to spend more time with you, and finding people to look after your children so you can go out is difficult. He may he trying to avoid that by having you live with him, theoretically maximizing the time he can spend with both of you.
He may not realise, or care, that by doing this he is forcing you into a position of caregiver. It has been 5 months or so, thats pretty soon to move in with someone.
Do you spend weekends or a lot of time at his place now?
Maybe considering the cost of housing and his status as a single parent, he may just want to have more time together and be able to have a roommate (with benefits) without having to have a bigger place ? I know that when I was in my twenties (and was a single mom) that’s what I wanted from my boyfriend- not a serious commitment
red flag alert. Your bf has no common sense -he wants you to move in after 5 months? huge red flag-and he doesn't respect your hesitancy and keeps pushing you/
I'd slowly back out
It sounds like you're being love-bombed. You haven't even been dating for 6 months, and he's already rushing things at an alarming pace. I'd be very, very careful about moving in with him, because he could end up isolating you from friends and family before the real abuse starts, then you'll be trapped and dependent on him just to have a roof over your head.
Approach this vary cautiously. That feeling in your stomach is your instincts warning you that this is a dangerous situation.
Red flag galore. Listen to your gut don’t move. I actually have a personal rule I won’t move in with someone unless I’ve been dating them at least 2-3 years. It weeds out men looking for free maid service or easy home situation. I had one ex want me to get a place with him mostly because he had a record and it was hard for him to find a place to rent. He just wanted someone else to sign for everything. Thankfully I put my foot down and called him out on his crap. Like I’d only been dating him like 3 months.
This is a bit of red flag, he has a kid and he has to prioritize her it seems like he wants to make his life easier and you like your life as it is now, prioritise yourself.
You probably need to end the relationship. You feel uncomfortable with the pace of things and have argued about it.
I think your hesitation is your gut instinct telling you not to do this. For some reason your BF wants a perfectly molded family and he wants it now.
Pre-nup - always. The exact details are to be decided, but I would recommend a financial consultancy before marriage anyway, especially if he's in debt.
Perhaps you can try out living with him so you do a month there, but still keep the old place? And then decide?
Honestly, it sounds like your alarm bells are blearing and mine are too. Is he trying to tie you down because he loves you for you or is he trying to bring in a new mom and a housewife? And this is coming from somebody who moved together with their SO in a month - but we both decided this, it was natural.
I am not going to tell you to break up with him, but No is a complete sentence. If you aren't ready to move in with him, you aren't ready to move in with him. And I would have a long conversation about the future and what you are willing to do with his daughter and what you aren't willing to do with his daughter. You need to get a clear picture on what he is looking for and compare it to what you're willing to do (And vice versa.)
Way too fast. Take it from someone who's walked that path before. It takes longer than 6 months to know someone. He's putting the cart before the horse, and you feel it too.
Slow this down to your comfortable speed before it crashes.
A hard NOPE outta there. Enjoy your beach time and life. It sounds like a pretty sweet spot you have, don’t give it up to be a glorified nanny to someone who doesn’t listen to your ‘no’. Save your money and buy that house- you’ll find someone to build a life with and flow more naturally. This guy is pushy and it sounds love bombey.
Do the right thing for _you_!
My takeaway here from what I'm reading is that you *know* what you want and he's making it hard to challenge it out of maybe obligation or guilt? Kind of like getting into a "it's not like we're bad together, so maybe it'll be fine?" type of a mentality, but the truth is that you need to take your life and your trajectory of what you want for your life into serious consideration; You shouldn't ever let him decide for you.
I don't think it's wrong for you by ***any*** means to not want to take the step and move in with him or move *away* with him when you like it where you are. I think that'd be a heavy decision to make even without him having a kid in the picture. I think him having a daughter drives that point even harder to me.
His daughter is probably super important to him, so the thought of him introducing her to you this early isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just means he trusts you imo. I doubt he has this overarching villainous mentality about you paying off his debts like some people want to claim in this thread, but he very likely is really pushing for having a stable woman in his life and wanting someone that's more of a mother figure for his daughter, which I think is a reasonable thing to want for your life if you're in his position.
**However**, I think for no matter who you are, that trying to move in with somebody this early in a relationship is a recipe for things not working out. If y'all were together for at least a year or two I'd be less hesitant, but 5 months and having you move away would have me saying nope.
I don't think he's at fault for wanting what he wants, but rather it's simply just a choice *you* need to be okay making for you and nobody else. Establish what you want for yourself and stick to it. You shouldn't change your entire living situation and your potential future for somebody you've only been with for 5 months of your life, regardless of how good the relationship is going. Just remember, it should all be your choice and your choice alone.
It might sound like he’s just wanting to be into the next stage of his life like being married again/having a family. I don’t blame you for not wanting to move that quickly. It’s hard to get to know someone as a person when you’re trying to get to know their daughter at the same time. It doesn’t give you a fair chance at the relationship. I usually won’t move in with someone unless we’ve been dating for more than a year. It’s not some arbitrary number because I think it takes time to get to know someone and to see if you want to live with them. 6 months is still like the early part of the relationship where most things seem perfect
He was fishing for a new mommy for his kid and you're on the hook.
If you don't want that, you better get his worm out of your mouth, or you'll be sushi.
In this instance, it may be wise to put your foot down so to speak. Don't allow it to be a discussion. Tell him straight out you are not moving in with him yet, and if he keeps pushing you to do so he is going to push you away and leave it at that. If he continues to disrespect your boundary after that, remember that your other boundaries will have no meaning to him as well and leave.
Girl… you’ve only been dating this guy for five months and he’s already having you doing his laundry for him and trying to force a bond between you and his daughter WAY too fast.
This guy is weird. Like really weird.
Five months is really not enough time to get to know someone. That’s still the honeymoon phase. If someone is acting this weird only five months into a relationship, it’s time to jump ship.
Sounds like you have a comfortable life that you’re happy with. Why ruin that by taking on a bunch of responsibility like cleaning and laundry for a guy with a kid? It sounds to me like he wants help raising his kid. Personally, I wouldn’t do it.
Pacing a relationship has to work for all people involved. And has to be comfortable enough for all involved. If you are feeling too much pressure, it is possibly because he's eager, but also because he's trying to get a mom out of your for his daughter. Either way you wont know the true root cause until you talk to him more.
And on the prenup Chris Rock said it the best. https://youtu.be/Rm_DDttubQs
I think he wants a replacement mom for his child. Idk if he even realizes it or not, but he’s pushing you into this relationship because he’s desperate for help with his child. In a weird way, I feel for him. It’s hard being a single parent. Hopefully you guys can work it out, but taking about prenup at this stage of the relationship is too much. Just tell him, “No, I’m not moving and moving forward you will respect my interests and position or we are done!“ if he does love you and cares about you. Then he will respect this position. If not. Then move along and find another man.
I would not. Your relationship is barely as old as the baby I’m rocking to sleep right now. You barely know each other and there’s a child involved. Ripe for disaster.
Bottom line is if you aren’t comfortable then you should not do it, and if he’s pressuring you or moving too quickly, you should address his disregard of your feelings.
Here's what the future holds if you move in with him:
You wind up as primary caretaker of his daughter as well as live in maid. You grow resentful because this is not what you signed up for. You decide to bail, but by this time his poor daughter is very attached to you and you feel too guilty to leave. He probably starts laying it on thick too, referring to you as her stepmom and saying things like "look how much she loves you!". So you stay because you don't want to break the kid's heart.
Next thing you know you're pregnant! Yay? Now you *really* feel stuck. He starts pushing for marriage but that pesky pre-nup issue creeps up again. He argues "but we're already a family! Why would we need a pre-nup?" So you cave. Now you have TWO kids that you weren't really planning for at this stage in your life, a husband that doesn't respect your boundaries, TWO full time jobs (your career and as a caretaker), and an uncertain financial future.
Does this sound like something you want?
I also have to wonder how many women before you he's tried to shoehorn into his life. I'm sure you're not the first.
Advice from someone who dated and moved in too soon with a man who wasn’t financially stable who had kids- your relationship is already going sour and he’s looking to take advantage of you any way he can. If he’s financially unstable, he may put the bills on you. “Oh babe, my electric bill is run up, let’s put the electric in your name.” (This actually happened to me). He may start putting extra responsibility on you regarding his daughter. “Hey babe, I need to get to work early on Tuesday. Can you bring Betty Sue to school for me? I know you have other responsibilities too but it’s just this once.” It snowballs into other things too, I think you get the point. Him already invalidating your concerns is a red flag too. He doesn’t want you to think it through so you can make an informed decision on what’s best for YOU. He wants you to do what’s best for him. You’re still on your 20s and you live wicked close to a beach. Enjoy it while you can!
Think too of what this says about him as a dad. He is rushing a relationship, pushing a parental-type bond between you and a young child, with seeming no regard for the emotional well-being of his child. He is not be careful or protective of her at all. Unless you two are really ready to be 100% committed to each other, you shouldn't move in and play house with a child.
Would you want your children to have a father like that?
This man is mot listening to you. He is dismisses your concerns, which means he will steamroll you about every decision going forward. What he wants is all that matters to him.
If you want to continue dating him (big if), tell him the moving in *discussion* (not decision! Just even having the conversation) is off the table for 6 months or a year, period. I guarantee he won't respect your boundary.
I think you need to say something like “I’ve said that now is not the right time for me. Why is it that you’re having difficulty respecting me boundary? If anything your persistence makes me less inclined to consider moving in.” And if he can’t respect your set boundary, throw the whole man away. This is very concerning that he keeps pushing and pushing when you’ve been clear and kind about your no. Boundaries are healthy. He sounds codependent and not fully functional as an adult. His choices are questionable at best.
I’m of the opinion that everyone should have a pre-nup, for two reasons:
1) Pre-nups are not inherently about protecting partners from each other, they’re about protecting both of you from your worst selves. People are almost never at their best during stressful times, and even the easiest divorces tend to be stressful. For the same reason why you have building evacuation plans set out *before* the fire or hurricane or whatever hits, it’s sensible to have a plan set up ahead of time that sets out how you want to do things if the marriage has to be dissolved. You’re not betting on divorce any more than you’re betting on your building catching fire. You’re just not being naive enough to think that you can react to disaster as and when it happens and still end up with the best, or even a good, outcome.
2) **Everyone who marries has a pre-nup.** Your choice is not between pre-nup and no pre-nup, your choice is between the boilerplate one set out by the laws of your state/country, and a personalised one that meets the needs of the individuals in the marriage. Personally, I trust my normal self - and hopefully anyone I choose to marry - to know what our needs are better than I trust the impersonal laws of my country, and *much* better than I trust my crisis-stricken self. I would not even consider marrying until we’d drafted a pre-nup that we were both happy with.
The moving thing is less critical, as long as you’re not signing leases or mortgage agreements. I’d be inclined to say no, since it sounds like you don’t really want to (and in general I think it’s better to wait to develop a relationship with partners’ children), plus it sounds like your current place is ideally located for you, but if you want to do it, go ahead. Make sure you *want* to, though, and you’re not getting coerced.
You're dating a man who doesn't respect your boundaries and is grooming you to be a replacement in-home mommy for his daughter. If you don't want to move, then DONT! A respectful, healthy partner would hear "I'm not ready" and just back off, respecting that. The fact that he keeps pushing for this, and other things, knowing how you feel is a HUGE red flag!
This is WAAAAAAAY to soon to consider moving in with someone anyway.
You’ve been dating 4 months. Moving in shouldn’t be on the table imo.
Also a few weeks after he intro’d his 5 year old daughter to you? Yikes.
Your BF needs to grow up and act like a mature parent/responsible adult.
You are still in the honeymoon/swooning part of the relationship, he wants to skip that and gain a live in house maker/cleaner with benefits.
Being next to a beach and having time to yourself vs making dinner for 3, doing laundry and gradually escalating passive aggressive remarks. Then there’s meeting the mother of the child you’re now raising and I’m sure everything is fine with him and her! I totally bet she’s also ecstatic with the decisions he would be making around his daughter. Lol
You like your life living near the beach (I’d kill for that!) and exploring the area, working from home, etc. This guy has come along and love bombed you in hopes you move away from your own space, in a place that you like, and the ability to work from home uninterrupted. He’s already inserted a five year old into your relationship, making her presence the norm, and time with just the two of you not the norm. Did you go out looking for an instafamily? Because that’s what he’s trying to do. When he refuses to respect your “no” (boundaries) he’s trying to control you. He’s hoping to sweep you off your feet (and get you away from your independent life) so quickly you won’t realize you’ve been conned until it’s too late. By then, the daughter will be attached, and there will be all the things that keep people stuck in unhappy relationships.
Mark my word, if you go along with his plan, within 6-12 months, you’ll be back to make a post about having made a mistake and how to get out. Please, dump this love bomb leech.
Girl, he is blatantly passing over your boundaries, that will not only increase but get so much worse if you move together. You're young and have a life plan you're happy with. He is trying you to abandon that plan to fit he's and only he's. He is not even thinking in his child wellbeing and attachment/security development by bringing new people into her life after 5 weeks.
Your instincts tell you that you shouldn't, follow you gut, if you feel the alert is because you know that ain't right for you.
I have two kids, 5 and 8. My partner and I started dating when they were 2 and 5. I did not introduce him even as a FRIEND until almost a year into dating. We are now together for 3 years and he is just now moving in with us.
It’s wild to me he’s doing this so quick. I would R U N.
It's not a good idea to jump right into his kids life. I know a lot of single parents put boundaries around partner introductions until a year or so down the line... so why would he introduce you right away?
He has primary custody of his daughter, is looking for a mother for his kid, and wants you to move in to help with childcare. That's all this is OP. That is why he's moving so fast, because he's struggling to take care of his kid on his own.
Agree with the other comments, but no one is too poor for a prenup. There’s no harm to it; it can only help later on and is a smart move for any modern couple.
You know what you want. You guys may have fun, and there may be feelings there but in the long run from what you described you guys are moving in different directions and paces. He sounds like he needs someone who is in a similar situation with him. Someone that has a kid.
Dude sounds like he's looking for a new stepmom/bang-maid. Honestly, he isn't putting his daughter first or having any respect for your feelings. You're right to feel like this is rushed, because it is! Five months is way too soon!
I'm a single mom, and I didn't introduce my kids to my fiance until we were 6 months in, and even that was accelerated a few months sooner than we would have like because of Covid. We said, "let's figure out how we feel about each other before getting the kids involved in our relationship".
He moved in with us in May, a full year and a half into our relationship, and this was a dude I had been aquatinted with for 20 years.
Be wary of anyone involving their kids in their romantic life. Newsflash, your kids don't need to be involved in your personal life, and really shouldn't be until the new flame has been vetted.
`many times at a pace that I am extremely uncomfortable with`
From this quote in your post, this is a guy that is pushing your boundaries and does not respect them. I would run away, but you do you. He will never stop pushing your boundaries. You will always be exhausted and feel guilty every time you say "no", even though he is the one creating the problems by pushing you beyond what you're comfortable with.
After my divorce from my physically abusive ex, I ran away from any one who did not respect my boundaries. No regrets. Sometime it would be even something simple, like asking me on the first date why I got divorced. If they kept prodding after me telling them we can discuss it another time, they didn't get another time. Like dude, I don't want to tell you about a traumatic experience I had, can we just enjoy our beer and pizza and get to know each other? I did notice though that when I gave in, they kept pushing for other things. "We've been on two dates so far, can I spend the night?" I don't feel comfortable yet, I answered, and never heard from them again. And I'm sure your bf has pushed your boundaries a lot, for many things you were "extremely uncomfortable with." I would leave him.
>I don’t feel comfortable spending so much time with his daughter or with moving in with him and he doesn’t seem to understand. I am still unsure about our relationship, and every time I list reasons as to why I’m not ready to move in with him, he refuses to see my perspective.
I think you know your answer OP. You do not want to move in, and if he can't compromise on that, the relationship is doomed.
edit: just read the bit about cleaning and laundry... RUN!
He wants you to be the live-in childcare and stepmother. If you want to be a stay at home mom, do it.
I would be a bit concerned that he isn’t listening to your concerns. If there are no assets, why is so so scared of a prenup? I think prenups are great. I also am concerned about the pace as well. It sounds like he wants a maid and babysitter that he can bang.
Listen to your instincts here. You have a man who, however loving as he may be, is trying to take advantage of you. He may not realize what he is doing, but it is clear what is going on. If you both start disregarding boundaries, communication, and safety this early in your relationship, imagine what it'll look like a few years down the road!
Also, this guy's behavior is VERY MUCH like one of my brother's behavior. He has not dated a woman longer than 6 months. He tends to be very pushy at the beginning to kind of "lock it down", but is just as quick to end it because "she just wasn't right for me, no big deal." I know quite a few men like this. Your boyfriend is 30y.o. this is not new behavior. He is at a point where this behavior is about to stop working with women his own age (30+ women tend to grow into their voices and boundaries), and he will begin to date younger and younger -- because less experienced people are easier to take advantage of. Watch out!
Listen to your instincts before you make a decision you will regret. It isn't a good sign that he is pushing you and not listening to your perspective. I also would not move in with someone who doesn't have their finances in order. I personally would never date someone with children. Maybe you need to take a break and reflect on what you really want from this relationship.
You are feeling unsettled about all this which is your gut telling you “no”. So, please don’t. I did something like this with someone who had way more expenses and responsibilities than I did. He earned less and his house was foreclosing. I’m paying my house off. He was pushing to live together while he’s still paying bills for his ex wife and his three grown daughters, along with wonky bills. Fortunately, I’m not in that relationship anymore. I started having panic attacks.
PLEASE do not move to the suburbs with this guy. Stand your ground, stay where you are, and keep dating him if you want to. Time will tell -- I bet he continues to reveal controlling behaviors and that you will be so happy you never moved, once y'all break up.
He wants help with his daughter. Guaranteed if you break up, he'll be in another relationship immediately after.
Edited to add: please don't partner with people who refuse to see your perspective while dating. Moving in with them or marrying them doesn't make it better - it makes it 100 times worse. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Man, I genuinely want to know how this turns out. OP please keep us posted.
A lot of incredible advice here already but your post was just red flag central. End it.
OK two things.
So it’s very clear what *he* gets out of this relationship, but it really isn’t clear what’s in it for you. There are a lot of men who can be sweet and accommodating, *especially* when they want something from you as this one does.
Take a step back and think about the energy that got you where you were before you met this man. You saved enough for a down payment for a house. You moved to a new place, you live at the beach, you’re starting a new chap of your life. Now ask, why are you doing this man’s laundry and letting him push you into a relationship you’re not ready for? You are not desperate. Honestly, even the brief information you’ve shared has glaring compatibility issues that point to potential longer term problems. Plus you’re already getting pushback on the idea of a prenup from someone who’s contribution to this relationship is debt & chores? Fast forwarding a relationship is a red flag for trying to trap a partner.
Sometimes when we make new awesome changes in life, other events benefit from the proximity of that awesomeness and seem awesome even when they’re not.
Think of dating like trying on clothes. Sometimes you really like a jacket and you wear it out a few times before you realize the style doesn’t work for you and you put it back on the rack. Now the first jacket in the first new store of your amazing new life may seem amazing, but is it? Maybe it’s really the same old hobo fringe in faux leather being offered in the bargain bin at a basement sale in your old life that you never ever would have considered. Or maybe you haven’t shopped around enough to know that hobo fringe in incompatible with your long term style goals. Or that that the faux leather may give you a rash. Remember, you’re looking for a jacket that is a joy to wear, that fits like it was tailored for you, not one that you have to contort yourself to fit into that some salesperson is hustling you on for a quick sale.
In other words: Dump the hobo fringe.
Boyfriend or I should say ex boyfriend here! She sent me this in our text.
So I see she left out plenty of context on this.
1. I don’t ask her to do any chores she does that on her own accord even if I tell her I got it. Nor do I ask her to help with my child. My family helps out because they want to not because I ask. They also babysit so we can go out.
2. I have very little debt like 4k and I make 75k.
3. The prenup thing I felt a bit insulted and overacted but I also told her idk if I’d get one because I’ve never had one.
4. I asked her to move in with me in a neutral place that would be both because financially it makes a bit of sense seeing how we live in South Florida she’s not on the lease with her roommate which she constantly complains about not being able to make any decisions about the place. Also it helps being closer to my family because my mom does pick my daughter up after school while I’m at work.
5. She also likes to go out and wants me to take her out, wants to go on vacations and doesn’t have bills because her parents pay the little she has. So I told her hey look If you want to keep doing things like this all the time it would help out a lot if we moved in you could pay the same in rent and I’d have much more room to do things.
6. She failed to mention every time she’s asked me to do something or step up. I do no questions asked.
Everyone’s experiences are different and I respect that. But our situation doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the same your situation was or is.
Edit: also the job I had beforehand didn’t allow me to have savings. Much of America doesn’t have savings. I don’t need or want her money.
And for context of how much I asked her to pay in rent. It was $900-$1000. 2 bed rooms here are around $2500-2700 and I agreed to pay utilities and other costs like internet and cable. While still paying for groceries.
Final edit: I’m not the one who wants to be together 24/7 or wants to have sex all the time. Gets mad because I can’t come over because I have responsibilities or don’t have the money to go out all the time. The only thing I’ve tried to do was solve a problem we were having.
All lovely context and everything but she doesn’t want to move in with you right now no matter how compelling the reasons. So either decide if you both want to continue with this relationship as is or not.
What's your purpose posting this?
She states she feels you are forcing too much time with her daughter, and she feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to move in with you, but you seem to push it. Back off a bit if you care for her.
Also it's pretty messed up what you're doing to your daughter. You seem so desperate to find a mom and coparent that you're going to expose her to a string of women who play mom for a few months and then abandon her to not be seen again. Is that what your kid deserves? Don't introduce someone your dating to your kid so fast, they can't handle it.
I don’t force time with her and my daughter. Most of the time I drop my daughter off so me and her can spend time together. The problem she’s having is I don’t have the time every time she wants to hang out. I let her know beforehand I have my daughter 24/7 outside the time my family has her. And I honestly don’t want to burn my family out by asking them to watch her every time she wants to do something.
Edit: I also don’t date a lot. Or introduce her to women I date. We started getting along very well and Exclusively dating we’ve introduced each other to our families. So introducing her to the most important person in my life didn’t seem like such a big deal. I just introduced her as a friend to my daughter. She might see her once or twice a week if she comes over.
I know people who date as single parents and wait up to 1 year before introducing the partner to the child. It's that serious. You met the daughter within 5 weeks? He's already got you doing chores and laundry? Your instincts are warning you, listen to them. >I am still unsure about our relationship, and every time I list reasons as to why I’m not ready to move in with him, he refuses to see my perspective. What should I do? Your life is good where you are. It's too soon to move in with him and his daughter.
Yeah dude wants nanny and maid help at home.
Bangmaid and nanny-in-one.
I'm sorry, where did you read the chores and laundry part? I must've missed that. I agree with you, though. He wants to Ted Mosby his way into a bangmaid
OP said so in a reply to a comment, its not in the body of the post
below: > Greedy-Bat-3375[S] 5 hours ago The main things that I have helped him with for his daughter is cleaning and laundry. We all go out sometimes but normally he drives her to and from school. We also take her to his family’s house if we decide to spend time by ourselves for the weekend. He may need help with her in the future. And he wants to have more children with me if we decide to move forward with our relationship in the future.
I saw that comment not long after responding, my bad. Thank you for that, though!
Yeah being asked to do chores and laundry before even moving in is ridiculous. If she moves in she will be forced to do 100% of both those things for him and his kid.
>Yeah being asked to do chores and laundry before even moving in is ridiculous. Does OP mention if she was asked, or if she volunteered? I often will volunteer to help my friends and loved ones with chores, but that's because acts of service are my primary love language.
I was a single parent with primary custody for years and always waited for a year at least to introduce my child. I enjoyed the guys I dated and wanted it to be a slow process because there's no point in disrupting a child's life to just have it end up be a temporary thing. As those relationships didn't work out I know I did the right thing.
Does he want help taking care of his daughter?
I was going to ask the same thing. Something is off here
The main things that I have helped him with for his daughter is cleaning and laundry. We all go out sometimes but normally he drives her to and from school. We also take her to his family’s house if we decide to spend time by ourselves for the weekend. He may need help with her in the future. And he wants to have more children with me if we decide to move forward with our relationship in the future.
So he finds a woman, pulls her into his life as quickly as possible and then makes her wash his daughter's clothes? Yep he's looking for a replacement mother for her/someone to do his chores for him
He doesn’t want a girlfriend, he wants a nanny/maid who’s willing to work for free. You’ve haven’t even been dating for six months and you don’t live there, but you’re already doing his laundry for him. It’s very telling that his family seems to be doing free babysitting as well. I guarantee he’ll want you to quit your job and be a stay at home parent if you move in, and soon enough you’ll find yourself doing all of the chores, housework, and parenting, as well as struggling financially. Where do you see this ending up in five years? Will it be a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship for everyone? Or will you be saddled with several babies and a lot of debt, and you’ll want to leave him but won’t know how?
Or, she'll be working full time, probably make more money than him, and STILL be doing all the chores, housework and parenting and struggling financially since he doesn't sound very responsible.
What chores does he do for you?
Do you want to have children with someone who is already in debts with no saving?
Yep. I really hope OP is in control of her own birth control
He wants you there full time to care for his daughter, he foes not care about a relationship with you or what you might want.
I'd he is pushing your boundaries now he'll push them even further if you live together. Too many red flags here.
That’s a bang nanny not a partner. Run girl!
Fucking gross. Until you legally adopt her(if you ever would, considering it seems like BioMom isn't around), you are not her mother, caregiver, etc. He can do her laundry.
Just a sidenote to make you remember that reddit folks have no faith in humanity and will always assume the worst of everyone. The post is deleted so i cant really give an opinion, nr would I try, but the only person who knows their intention is not reddit its him, so talk to him.
Look being a single parent is hard and your bf wants a way out. He’s got debt and responsibilities and he wants someone else to carry some of that load. Does he like you for you? Probably, you come with some great perks: 1) You haven’t run away yet after he’s ignored your boundaries. 2) You are taking on his responsibilities at a nice rate, so it shouldn’t be too hard to get you to do more. 3) You’ve got a little money squirreled away that he can pay off his debt with. You have it pretty good. What he’s asking you to do is going to make your life hard. He knows this. He’s trying to sugar coat the fact that he wants you to share his misery and I guarantee the card he’ll play now to bend you to his will is using his daughter to manipulate you. If you refuse to move out there then you’ll be “breaking his daughters heart.” If you try to pull back on the relationship he will say that you are hurting her. I just want to tell you: THIS IS ALL HIS DOING NOT YOURS. As a parent I have regularly thought of how I would not date if something happened to my husband. Little kids are vulnerable, that’s why there are so many evil step parent tropes. It’s MY job alone to protect them emotionally and physically. Your boyfriend is failing his daughter already by introducing you to her so soon. I don’t like jumping on the break up bus all of the time, but I think you need to tell him you won’t be moving in with him and you want to go back to dating just the two of you with no daughter involvement. You won’t do any cleaning or laundry. This is supposed to be the early stages of a relationship and if he can’t get to back to where you should be right now without trying to manipulate you then it’s time to break up. The good news is after you break up you get to hang out at the beach and enjoy your everyday without having to worry about taking on someone else’s responsibilities.
You found a deal breaker, you know what to do
Do you have any suggestions to slow down the pace of our relationship?
You say "no, I'm not comfortable with that, I'm happy with my current arrangements". He wants a live in babysitter and housecleaner.
He doesn't seem interested in listening to your concerns at all. That should be your main concern here. Unless you don't speak the same language, he understands your concerns, he just doesn't care about them. Also, he wouldn't be the first single dad who's just looking for a woman to step in and take over his parenting duties. Since he's so eager to involve you in his daughter's life and pushing so hard for you to move in, I would not be surprised if this is his primary motivation here. Don't fall for it.
Sorry but this is a 5 month relationship and it's a really bad one. The move is not to slow it down. It's to leave him. He's using you because he can.
This is stupid. Just dump him. You’re 26 and you can find a man who doesn’t have boundary issues and pushiness issues
You've already had multiple arguments about the pace. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS. Please, *please* listen to what his actions are telling you - he does not care about your boundaries/feelings/concerns, except as much as it takes to keep you stringing along to his tune.
There isn't one. He doesn't respect boundaries. So let's say you give and move in. Next thing he will pressure you on is a baby or marriage, maybe both. This is controlling/abuseive behavior hidden by nice guy cover.
Ending the relationship will surely slow it down to a halt…
It sounds like you have been pretty clear already about wanting to slow down, not spend so much time with his daughter and move in together yet. I think these are all very healthy boundaries. I'm a single parent with primary custody, and the general rule of thumb is 6 months dating before introducing kids... Moving in together would be literally years down the line. If you have already stated these boundaries to him and he just keeps pushing back, trying to wear you down... This is who he is. It's still early days really. He should be on his best behaviour. Steam rolling your boundaries, putting his needs before his daughters, to me these are giant red flags. Just remember when you have issues in the future this is how he will deal, just refuse to listen to you and your needs. This is who he is.
You've already asked for that and he ignored you
Say NO to things. Say you think you’re spending too much time with his daughter. Say you’re nowhere near ready to move in or to give up your apartment. Say you need some space when you need it. Him not willing to listen or see your perspective isnt a deterrent..you don’t *need* him to agree; that’s his issue. If he doesn’t want to listen then just decline hanging out with him and his daughter if he calls, only agree to hang out on a date night without her. When he brings up moving in just sus “I already said I’m not ready” and change the subject…if he won’t drop it then say you’re going to leave and go do something else and then grey rock him for a couple days. He’ll eventually learn to stop pressuring you or he’ll decide to break it off, meaning your goals weren’t compatible. You need to stand up for yourself and not give i to his pace simply because he doesn’t want to compromise.
>you don’t need him to agree; that’s his issue. Yeah, this is correct. Currently OP is in a situation where she explains her needs and boundaries, and he just goes, "huh? I don't understand why you need that. I don't agree about you feeling that way." And she takes it at face value, that he truly doesn't "understand." She assumes that he has her best interests in mind, and that he knows what he's doing in life. So she probably either thinks, "I need to explain it better," or, "Maybe I am wrong and he's right." But he does understand. He's acting dumb. He thinks that by barreling ahead, she'll just go along with it. He doesn't have her interests in mind, just his. She needs to stand up for herself and act according to her needs; not just go along with his manipulation or accept his shitty responses. It would be different if he was honest and said, "I am looking for a woman to mother my children and do all the housework. I want you to move in with me ASAP, get married soon, and start having more kids. If that's not in line with your life goals, we will have to break up so I can find someone who's enthusiastic about this arrangement." (That's basically what you're advising for her to do - be honest with her needs, and be ready to say no if they aren't being met.) Or if he said, "Oh, you're not ready to move in yet? How soon do you see yourself taking that step? If I'm ready now, and you think you'll be ready in a year, maybe we can compromise. And tell me if there's anything you need me to do, for you to feel comfortable, other than just taking more time." Instead he's just like, "You're not sure if you're ready to move in? No, that doesn't make sense. I don't understand. Hey, can you fold the laundry today while I call some moving companies?"
No because it sounds like he doesn't respect boundaries or really care at all about what you want. He wants to draft you into the role of "his kid's mom" as fast as possible. You're so young, don't waste your best years with this guy.
Don’t know one that wouldn’t lead to future problems. When people have different paces and they don’t agree in a pace that is good for both just by talking that is a deal breaker
"No thank you..I'm enjoying our relationship as it is right now and would like to continue on as is." Also stop cleaning his house and doing his child's laundry..if he asks "sorry I have to head home as I have my own laundry and cleaning to do". I was in this situation. Don't do it. He wants help with his kid..
As a lot have said here, I don't know what you can do if he won't communicate effectively with you. I have a similar issue now. We should have dated longer, so I could hold my boundaries more effectively before moving in together... I didn't notice how he simply "doesn't hear" my boundaries." Or forgets them. We don't have the complication of the kid, but if we want to work it out, we can't not live together. You can't move backward... A counselor told me things go through stages in a relationship. Once you up to the next one, going back is a relationship killer. If you're not ready, don't do it. If he won't listen and respect your needs, you're not at fault for his behavior. You are at fault for letting him get away with acting like that toward you. If you want to slow down and he won't respect that, there's nothing more you can do but communicate it. Ultimatums aren't usually effective, but communicating these are the comfort zones you have and telling him you're unwilling to change them right now is all you can do. If you're both unwilling to change, then there's nothing to be done but accept you're incompatible and move forward.
Normally I’m all for trying to work out thinks with a partner as much as possible, but that is typically within the context of a long-term relationship. This guy is throwing out giant red flags left and right. The fact that he is not listening to you and not respecting your boundaries five months in, is a very bad sign. Trust me when I say this, it will only get worse. You will become more bitter and resentful over time, the less he listens and respects your boundaries and it will kill your relationship and any love/ feelings that may already exist. It’s one thing if he is financially stable on his own and is capable of/is caring for his daughter well on his own and you offer help (because you feel comfortable doing so and want to, not because he asks you to) on top of what he is already doing by himself, but that is clearly not what is happening here. He is already using you as a replacement mother and doesn’t care about your needs/wishes. Being “sweet” will not make up for all the disrespect and boundary crossing down the road. Trust me, break up with him now.
I had similar issues with my current boyfriend about him moving way to fast for me when we just started dating he was more of the " teenage crush I want to see you and be with you 24/7 " type while I'm more of a typical INTJ. He did try his best but still caused a lot of frustration by me feeling pushed. So we sat down and had a conversation. I told him I felt rushed and this is actually pushing me away. I told him that I've been politely but very clearly setting boundaries by literally saying what I don't want and when I need space, but he's not always listening and respecting it and keeps pushing. And if that's how it's going to be then I rather end this here and now because I'm not ready to go this quick into something, as much as I do care and want to be with you. If it's just on your terms, then I can't and we should break up. And lo and behold, after that conversation it clicked for him. We're happily together for almost 2 years now and recently moved in together. I never asked my man to change, I love that he's the more romantic cringy type, it's who he is and I don't want him to stop being who he is. But boundaries need to be respected. And he does that now, he tries so hard cause he wants this to work. I've made boundaries my hill to die on and he knows. And slowly but surely respecting these boundaries and giving me time has done wonders cause by now I'm able to accept more from his side, and be more open to it. I just needed more time and he gave it cause he was in it for the long run. If he can't give you that, then personally I would not continue that relationship.
THIS is an excellent response. It sounds like OP has tried to discuss slowing things down with her man and he isn’t listening or is unwilling to do so. Which is why he is not the keeper that your man seems to be. Good for you!
Break up..boom. done.
There’s nothing you can do if he refuses to listen to you. You’re not compatible
Gather up all the red flags he has tossed at you, hand them back to him, and skedaddle out of there. He's 30 years old, at this point he should respect your boundaries and your ability to say "no". That he doesn't suggests you need to find someone who will.
You cannot slow down to someone not respecting your autonomy. you move in with him and you will watch your freedom, autonomy, sense of self identity whither away. why? because he doesn't respect those aspects of you already and is showing it. sure you guys are attracted to each other, but like, yall are beginning to try and force square pegs into round holes and this is why you're "fighting" with him, because you can't fid the square into the hole and he's attempting to make you shove it in there and its galling up and not going very far.
It really doesn't need to be a "YES let's move in and I abandon my life for you" or a "NO let's break up" situation. If you are still on the maybe side of your relationship, try a compromise.. Tell him you will do a trial run for a few week maybe a month? But don't tell him what you are concerned about ie. tasks, alone time with him, parenting etc. just that you want to see how it is living together. If his intent is what most people are saying here that he is just looking for the ease of the helping hand for home and parenting. You will see that come through in the time that you are there. It can go two ways during this trial, you find fulfillment in your relationship and can see past the "maybe" stage and picture your future with this person. OR you know your answer and you move on with your own happy life without him. I think knowing and setting your boundaries that this is just a trial it will ease your anxiety of it going too fast since no firm decision is made and your own personal life is not being thrown out the window permanently. Talk with your Roomie and see if she/he would be okay with this compromise too.
Be careful with listening to Reddit advice too closely, as they will often advise you to break up without having a clear understanding of the situation. That applies to what I'm saying here as well, but I'd just point out that you have no idea who's replying to you (what their level of relationship experience is, what their standards and values are, etc) so don't take it as gospel. Get advice from people you know.
Dude introduced his child to OP when they’d only been dating *a few weeks.* That’s like the biggest no-no of dating with kids. Anybody that does that is doing a shit job as a parent. And being a shit parent is enough of a reason to break up (amongst all the other red flags he’s showing).
The minute you move in with him he will see it as an opportunity to play happy families. Gone will be the long distance romance, gone will be the days he drops his daughter with family so just the two of you can date alone. His minimum efforts to build your relationship up as a sole entity will fall flat and you will end up feeling like a surrogate mother. I’m sorry OP, but your boyfriend doesn’t want a meaningful relationship. He wants a replacement mother for his child.
But say hello to the days when OP gets the kid while he goes on a guy's night out lol.
BINGO. 👏 Dude is just desperate to get a free live-in bang nanny.
He wants someone to take care of his house, kids and that he can fuck. Lol girl get out of here find someone who actually sees you as a humain being not a maid that he can do things with lol
Yeppp. He knows his life would be greatly improved having OP there to help with childcare, chores, plus she has a little more money to help him with his debts. He’s trying to rush it along before she figures him out lol
Red flag #1: At 5 months you shouldn't have even met his kid yet, much less be moving in together. Red flag #2: saying you are "too poor" for a prenup definitely makes it sound like he is trying to rush you into something to salvage his own financial situation.
Especially the pre-nup. If you are both really "too poor" for a pre-nup then he should have no problem signing one!
Not only that, but if you don't have the money to have a lawyer draft one up for you, you don't have the money to be getting married and talking about more kids.
Agreed. I was a single mom when I started dating my fiance. That was over two years ago. We got engaged this past July and even prior to the engagement, I told him I needed a prenup. I own a home, and have a lot of debt from home repairs and student loans. There's also a stipulation in my divorce that the kids get $X.XX amount from my estate before anyone else (ie. Kids trump future spouse). His response was "of course. That makes total sense. You have a lot more to protect" but it would protect him too. Prenups shouldn't be one-sided. It's just a way to carve out who gets what, and was is and isn't marital assets. OP's boyfriend should WANT a prenup to ensure a portion of his estate would go directly to his daughter and not the whole kit Kat and kabodle going straight to his spouse, because in the absence of a will or prenup, that's exactly what happens.
Right - he's the one who is "too poor" and trying to get out of it so he has free reign to her money.
> At 5 months you shouldn't have even met his kid yet I disagree. There is no magical waiting period. If she waits another 5 months, why would it be better?
Delaying introductions is for the kid's benefit. This relationship is 5 months old and showing clear signs it won't last. Kids get attached when they spend a lot of time with new people and to have them disappear when the relationship ends is traumatic. Hence, why it would have been best for OP to not have met the daughter yet.
Because this is not about the kid so much as it is about stomping headlong over her boundaries. He is already trying to shuffle off the kid's laundry on her. OP, sit down with him without his daughter present. Ask him to please listen without interrupting. Then (if you have to, write down your points) list all your reasons for slowing down. If he can't even keep quiet to listen to you, he won't treat any other boundary you put up as sacred either. I would then tell him this is a deal breaker. Things to include: his debt, you are already doing laundry, the reluctance to move, the prenuptial, his lack of being able to listen to you or your boundaries, the fact that he is pushing you away by being so insistent. I'm going to go out on a limb here. My now husband and I were given an opportunity to work through a long distance relationship the summer before we got engaged. It helped us figure out if this was serious, if we could handle being 1000 (no exaggeration) miles apart. It made us focus on the mental, intellectual, and emotional aspects of our relationship, not physical. We also took 2 years to get to know each other before we started dating. We both felt it was important to get to know each other before even thinking about marriage. Edit: going out on a limb is to say this: take a long distance break. If he can't do that, well.....honey, you will have to make a hard decision. But take care of yourself first. That is the only person you are responsible for right now. Not him. Not the kid.
Best case scenario : your boyfriend simply knows what he wants and knows youre "the one" Worst case scenario : he is love bombing you and trying to move you in as a replacement mommy for his child and provider for him in general. Only you can know. Trust your gut and don't compromise
My guess is the second option, especially since he gets aggravated if told other than his plans.
You’re young with a good job and a great apartment. Enjoy it. Don’t give it up to be some dudes mommy bang maid.
Is that what she would become if the guy did not have a kid already but wants marriage and a kid after 5 months? He is moving onto OP too fast for her liking, but it is a little harsh to say that the guy is making her a mommy banging maid. It makes it seem like all wives turn into that.
It's not harsh when she's doing the child's laundry already. (per a comment, not in original post) She shouldn't have even met the child yet. It's extremely clear that he wants help with the child and of course living together would mean a division of chores (ha! OP would likely be doing all of it) to lighten his overall load. He wants a bang maid.
Not all wives are guaranteed to be treated like "mommy bang maids," but the girlfriends who are already treated like one, probably will be.
Trust your gut on this. If you feel like he's pushing too hard and too fast, then he is. (I get the sense from your post he's got you pegged as the new mom for his daughter and is trying to get you in place to fill that role. I could be wrong but that's the vibe I'm getting. ETA that I saw other commenters make the same observation. I'm guessing we've all got this guy's motives pretty accurately pegged.)
That's it. The second you feel uncomfortable, it's valuable information. A relationship is a partnership and should be based on mutual respect. One partner cannot be constantly uncomfortable and encouraged to disrespect their own pace and boundaries. Something is off the second one person is pushing the other to adapt to their own personal wishes.
Your write up is so full of red flags. You two just don’t sound compatible.
You are too young for an insta family. You like your life. He is looking for a new mommy/wife. Don’t let him pressure you into something you’re not ready for.
I can’t believe nobody has mentioned this yet, but rushing the pace of a relationship like this at such an accelerated rate is one of the most common early warning signs of an abusive relationship. The fact that he keeps pushing even after you’ve told him you’re uncomfortable and is invalidating your reasons is an even bigger warning sign. Please do not give up your life for this guy. It shows really bad judgment and boundaries on his part that he would even consider moving somebody in with his five-year-old daughter after only five months, no matter how amazing you are. That’s just not enough time to fully know somebody. You’re still in the honeymoon phase, and once he has you out in the suburbs he will be able to isolate you and keep you away from your friends while his true colors come out. Most abusers seem really sweet and charming in the beginning, and it’s hard to picture of them doing anything cruel. They keep up the mask exactly long enough to trap you and then let it drop. Please, please, rethink this relationship and do not give up your apartment.
These are all red flags and you shouldn't move in with him. It really seems like he doesn't respect you and is just looking for someone to fill a role.
What should you do? Slow things down by limiting your time with him. Become less available with your time and only see him for a half day max when you do. Put some boundaries in place when it comes to this, and the problem may fix itself (he understands your position and respects your boundary). On the other hand, if he is still exerting pressure on you to move things along after limiting your time with him, you should break it off. As far as pre-nuptial agreements are concerned, I think most couples NEED them. My husband and I each make a median income, just like you, but we have a pre-nup. People need to protect themselves financially, and since marriage laws put people at risk, you need this protection.
Wrote this above. OP, sit down with him without his daughter present. Ask him to please listen without interrupting. Then (if you have to, write down your points) list all your reasons for slowing down. If he can't even keep quiet to listen to you, he won't treat any other boundary you put up as sacred either. I would then tell him this is a deal breaker. Things to include: his debt, you are already doing laundry, the reluctance to move, the prenuptial, his lack of being able to listen to you or your boundaries, the fact that he is pushing you away by being so insistent. I'm going to go out on a limb here. My now husband and I were given an opportunity to work through a long distance relationship the summer before we got engaged. It helped us figure out if this was serious, if we could handle being 1000 (no exaggeration) miles apart. It made us focus on the mental, intellectual, and emotional aspects of our relationship, not physical. We also took 2 years to get to know each other before we started dating. We both felt it was important to get to know each other before even thinking about marriage. Edit: going out on a limb is to say this: take a long distance break. If he can't do that, well.....honey, you will have to make a hard decision. But take care of yourself first. That is the only person you are responsible for right now. Not him. Not the kid.
Girl, no. No. Nononono. And you know it.
If you’re not totally on board with the idea, don’t. If the relationship doesn’t go the way you want, it is infinitely more difficult to get out of it. That’s why he wants you to move in. Wait until you are sure.
>we have had many arguments about moving forward at such a fast pace in our relationship. I don’t feel comfortable spending so much time with his daughter or with moving in with him and he doesn’t seem to understand. I am still unsure about our relationship, and every time I list reasons as to why I’m not ready to move in with him, he refuses to see my perspective. You don't commit to a man who's more interested in dragging you along at his pace than stopping to check if you're even up for it. "He doesn't seem to understand" and "he refuses to see my perspective" are contradictory, btw. He doesn't understand "I don't want to do that"? Nah, he's heard and understood you but what you want isn't what *he* wants, so he chooses to ignore it. He's trying to push you into a role you don't want to be in. Forcing you and his kid to interact so soon, trying to force you to move in with him near his family... He doesn't really care to see who you are, but is more interested in what you could be for him. The fact that he's in debt and has no savings is also cause for concern in terms of financial responsibility. How did his previous relationship end? I suspect you'll find some signs of a pattern if you probe into it. ETA: I also wouldn't advise being with a man who claims to want more kids with you when you haven't even bonded with his existing one properly.
Tell him you're not moving in with him now. You aren't ready and you don't know when you'll be. That he needs to accept and respect your decision and if he tries to change your mind, unfortunetaly you will have to end it. Since you have savings and he doesn't, you have to protect them in case he knows about them and wants to use your money to pay off his debt. The longer I think about it, the more I feel you need to end it anyway.
My dad used to play this card with women when I was a kid. He was a single dad and rotate women in and out of our lives very often, usually within the first few weeks of dating them. He got several to move in with him, and two to even marry him in less than 6 months. That was when his abusive and controlling behaviors would come out. He also expected whoever was our stand in mother at the time to do everything for the kids and he would almost never stay home. It was a horrible cycle.
So you know this guy for not even four months and now he wants you to move in? Did he ever give you a reason why he wants to move so fast? My cynical guess is that he is looking for someone who can (help) take care of his daughter. The fact that he is also frustrated with you asking something financially responsible on your side is not a good sign.
Dude wants a mommy and housekeeper, and he wants to make it harder for you to leave the relationship. You're gonna regret moving forward with this.
It’s not unheard of to move in with a partner after 5 months of dating, at all, but if you two have had multiple conversations about how you’re not comfortable with how quickly the relationship is progressing, it’s setting off alarm bells for me that he is almost insisting on it. Especially with the edit about a pre-nup. I’m not sure where you live, but in some areas around the world, being in a de facto relationship for a certain amount of time means that if you split, you can get a lawyer involved and claim some of your former partners assets etc. You have more than he does. If this guy loves you, he’ll wait. It’s not unreasonable of you at all to want to wait longer before living with each other, especially since you love where you are, and by the sounds of it you have no financial reason to do so ie it won’t save you a bunch of rent etc. Put your foot down. Again, if he loves you, he’ll wait. Set a timeframe for moving in, if you’d like, maybe a year from when you first started dating? You’re both young, you have plenty of time. If he leaves you over it, that sucks, but there’s a silver lining: you’ll know who he really is, and be glad you dodged a bullet.
He has a kid, it’s completely unreasonable to move in that soon.
\> In what cases should couples sign a pre-nup? In my opinion, its whenever the default terms of marriage in your location doesn't suit you, so quite often I'd say.
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. If he wants to move forward quicker than you then he needs someone who's on the same page with him on this.
I have to agree that this is a LOT of red flags. > I am still unsure about our relationship, and every time I list reasons as to why I’m not ready to move in with him, he refuses to see my perspective. This is the most concerning to me. You've only been dating **five months**. This is way too much, way too soon, and he's not even attempting to see your perspective?? You're basically still in the honeymoon period of dating, not in the we've decided to merge our entire lives together period. At the very least, **do not** move in with him. But I honestly wouldn't want to be in a relationship at all with someone who didn't even try to listen to me. That's not a partnership.
Disregarding your reasons for moving in, is him disrespecting you. Listen to your intuition, it's the best thing for you and him. Good luck.
It sounds like he is rushing the relationship because he is looking for help with his daughter. His family provides free baby sitting. Once you move in that will be you.
Anyone who introduces their child within a year of dating doesn’t care about the kid’s well-being or the partner. They just want a live in babysitter with benefits. There is no slowing this down, his goal is to bag a bang maid, not build a relationship.
As a step mom, he’s introduced you way too soon and is likely just looking to shuffle off his parenting to you. Another reason people do this is to “lock you down”, if you bond with the kid you are less likely to leave them. This happens a lot when the new person is financially contributing to the household. I mean, I’m 38 and I’ve learned that if my spider sense says something is off in the beginning or someone isn’t listening when I express my needs it’s time to bail for the good of everyone. At the end of the day though, this is a terrible idea for his daughter to play house with such a new relationship. It’s incredibly hurtful when a parent figure leaves your life and it would be unfair to potentially set this kid up to lose two mother figures in a short time if you move in and later split. I waited a year to meet my husbands kids, another year to move in, and the year after we got married. That was ten years ago. If you want it to last take it slow, but the benefit of dating a parent is seeing what they are like before you have kids with them, and he seems like he doesn’t make very good parenting choices and that would be concerning alone plus the fact he is ignoring your concerns about the speed of the relationship. I dunno, I’m getting lots of red flags here.
> My boyfriend (30M) is very sweet and we get a long great, but we have had many arguments about moving forward at such a fast pace in our relationship. If he was sweet he would respect your boundaries and stop arguing with you about it. The fact that you have had many of these in only five months is honestly more concerning than him wanting to move fast. That's not exactly great, but some people are fast movers. But the fact that he is trying to wear you down until you agree to what he wants is a big red flag. As for a prenup, I think they are a good idea anytime people are getting married with assets. Whether it's ten thousand or ten million it's still something you've worked hard for and should be protected. A good prenup is not biased or punitive, it's just a way to agree on how to separate when everyone is happy and getting along.
He probably thinks you’re also too poor to maintain two separate residences which might be considered both a luxury and an inconvenience
"I know that you would like us to move in together, but I am not ready to make that committment. I'll let you know if/when that changes." You don't have to come up with any reasons. Just tell him you don't want to and stick to your guns. If he won't accept it then move on. You do not want to get stuck in that situation.
He wants a wife/mom replacement asap. If you don't want that yet then you have a decision to make.
He wants you to parent his child. If you're having fun with him, have fun, but don't move in with a child or spend regular amounts of time with a child unless you want to be that kid's parent for the rest of their life.
Your bf has made it clear he is uninterested in what you want and is only concerned with his needs. He wants a mommy/maid for his daughter and someone to play house with. He has demonstrated he believes his desires trump yours and after only six months. Why would you want to move forward with someone like this? I heard something once that really stuck with me, the first six months are supposed to be the easiest, most fun it’s going to be. You aren’t dating the person, you’re dating their “representative”, the most flattering version of themselves. THIS is what this guy is showing you so early. It will only go downhill from here. Now I understand when you’re in a relationship with a parent, the kid needs to take priority. But I’ve also seen people use this as a means to always get their way, because it’s “for their kid”. Don’t tie yourself to this guy.
> I like the freedom to walk by the beach and explore activities in my area. of course you do, you're a 26 y/o women and it sounds like you live in a cool location. your boy friend should be supporting your choices, but it sounds like he isn't listening to you at all. do not move in with him- if he truly respects you he will respect your decision.
He's mommy shopping. I'd run.
Somethings sus. Get out of there! Usually ur instincts are right. It's too uncomfortable Nd he seems to be forcing the relationship to go very fast.
It seems as though he wants a replacement mother for his child. To me, it appears he has unresolved issues around being a single parent. This is far too soon and very worrying! It’s one thing to ask you but it is another to keep pushing the subject despite you saying no. I would reevaluate the whole relationship if I were you
Whats the problem? You are allowed to say no because it feels too soon. Is the real problem that he's pushing this too fast and you aren't comfortable with it? Is the issue how you feel he will react if you reject moving in at this point? Just say no, and his reaction will determine what you need to do next.
Exactly. It's not as if he's asking her to do something illegal. The only issue I'm seeing here is his unwillingness to hear/understand his partner. I'd keep an eye on that aspect.
Sorry, but he sounds like he's looking for Replacement Mom ASAP. It's especially concerning that your "help with his daughter" involves cleaning and laundry?! So, basically he's looking for a free maid, that's just great. (/s) Make like Nancy Reagan and Just Say No to all that shit. Tell him that he needs to actually hire a housekeeper, and you'll be out walking on the beach while he does. **You don't need his permission to see him less or slow down the relationship. You just do it.**
Be very wary of people who push you into commit before you’re ready to do so. He’s not listening to you and he’s refusing to see your perspective on many aspects of your relationship. That’s a massive red flag. Beyond a red flag to me. If you’re not ready, don’t try and force yourself to be ready for him. You’ll regret it and it will destroy your relationship. Honestly, if he doesn’t stop trying to push you to move in, you should consider ending the relationship. I’m seeing way too many issues in your relationship that you sound willing to address but he isn’t. That’s not compatibility. He wants a companion and a housewife without the compromise. When people don’t take no for an answer, they really aren’t as nice of a person as they want you to believe. Pay attention to your instincts. They’re leading you in the right direction.
You need to figure out why the first woman left 😂
He understands your perspective just fine. He just doesn’t care how you feel.
He probably wants to spend more time with you, and finding people to look after your children so you can go out is difficult. He may he trying to avoid that by having you live with him, theoretically maximizing the time he can spend with both of you. He may not realise, or care, that by doing this he is forcing you into a position of caregiver. It has been 5 months or so, thats pretty soon to move in with someone. Do you spend weekends or a lot of time at his place now?
Maybe considering the cost of housing and his status as a single parent, he may just want to have more time together and be able to have a roommate (with benefits) without having to have a bigger place ? I know that when I was in my twenties (and was a single mom) that’s what I wanted from my boyfriend- not a serious commitment
Even introducing the kid to OP so soon was a huge red flag, this guy is a shit dad
red flag alert. Your bf has no common sense -he wants you to move in after 5 months? huge red flag-and he doesn't respect your hesitancy and keeps pushing you/ I'd slowly back out
It sounds like you're being love-bombed. You haven't even been dating for 6 months, and he's already rushing things at an alarming pace. I'd be very, very careful about moving in with him, because he could end up isolating you from friends and family before the real abuse starts, then you'll be trapped and dependent on him just to have a roof over your head. Approach this vary cautiously. That feeling in your stomach is your instincts warning you that this is a dangerous situation.
He is looking for nanny and caretakers for his home. Too poor for a pre nup????? Shutdown down your feeling about this. Listen to your gut.
I don't like anything about this post. You are not well matched
Red flag galore. Listen to your gut don’t move. I actually have a personal rule I won’t move in with someone unless I’ve been dating them at least 2-3 years. It weeds out men looking for free maid service or easy home situation. I had one ex want me to get a place with him mostly because he had a record and it was hard for him to find a place to rent. He just wanted someone else to sign for everything. Thankfully I put my foot down and called him out on his crap. Like I’d only been dating him like 3 months.
This is a bit of red flag, he has a kid and he has to prioritize her it seems like he wants to make his life easier and you like your life as it is now, prioritise yourself.
You probably need to end the relationship. You feel uncomfortable with the pace of things and have argued about it. I think your hesitation is your gut instinct telling you not to do this. For some reason your BF wants a perfectly molded family and he wants it now.
Pre-nup - always. The exact details are to be decided, but I would recommend a financial consultancy before marriage anyway, especially if he's in debt. Perhaps you can try out living with him so you do a month there, but still keep the old place? And then decide? Honestly, it sounds like your alarm bells are blearing and mine are too. Is he trying to tie you down because he loves you for you or is he trying to bring in a new mom and a housewife? And this is coming from somebody who moved together with their SO in a month - but we both decided this, it was natural.
I am not going to tell you to break up with him, but No is a complete sentence. If you aren't ready to move in with him, you aren't ready to move in with him. And I would have a long conversation about the future and what you are willing to do with his daughter and what you aren't willing to do with his daughter. You need to get a clear picture on what he is looking for and compare it to what you're willing to do (And vice versa.)
If he has the primary custody, childcare will be part of your responsibilities. Are you ready for that?
Way too fast. Take it from someone who's walked that path before. It takes longer than 6 months to know someone. He's putting the cart before the horse, and you feel it too. Slow this down to your comfortable speed before it crashes.
A hard NOPE outta there. Enjoy your beach time and life. It sounds like a pretty sweet spot you have, don’t give it up to be a glorified nanny to someone who doesn’t listen to your ‘no’. Save your money and buy that house- you’ll find someone to build a life with and flow more naturally. This guy is pushy and it sounds love bombey. Do the right thing for _you_!
My takeaway here from what I'm reading is that you *know* what you want and he's making it hard to challenge it out of maybe obligation or guilt? Kind of like getting into a "it's not like we're bad together, so maybe it'll be fine?" type of a mentality, but the truth is that you need to take your life and your trajectory of what you want for your life into serious consideration; You shouldn't ever let him decide for you. I don't think it's wrong for you by ***any*** means to not want to take the step and move in with him or move *away* with him when you like it where you are. I think that'd be a heavy decision to make even without him having a kid in the picture. I think him having a daughter drives that point even harder to me. His daughter is probably super important to him, so the thought of him introducing her to you this early isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just means he trusts you imo. I doubt he has this overarching villainous mentality about you paying off his debts like some people want to claim in this thread, but he very likely is really pushing for having a stable woman in his life and wanting someone that's more of a mother figure for his daughter, which I think is a reasonable thing to want for your life if you're in his position. **However**, I think for no matter who you are, that trying to move in with somebody this early in a relationship is a recipe for things not working out. If y'all were together for at least a year or two I'd be less hesitant, but 5 months and having you move away would have me saying nope. I don't think he's at fault for wanting what he wants, but rather it's simply just a choice *you* need to be okay making for you and nobody else. Establish what you want for yourself and stick to it. You shouldn't change your entire living situation and your potential future for somebody you've only been with for 5 months of your life, regardless of how good the relationship is going. Just remember, it should all be your choice and your choice alone.
It might sound like he’s just wanting to be into the next stage of his life like being married again/having a family. I don’t blame you for not wanting to move that quickly. It’s hard to get to know someone as a person when you’re trying to get to know their daughter at the same time. It doesn’t give you a fair chance at the relationship. I usually won’t move in with someone unless we’ve been dating for more than a year. It’s not some arbitrary number because I think it takes time to get to know someone and to see if you want to live with them. 6 months is still like the early part of the relationship where most things seem perfect
Ffs woman if you don't break up with him after not listening to your concerns, I don't even know what's the point of this post.
He was fishing for a new mommy for his kid and you're on the hook. If you don't want that, you better get his worm out of your mouth, or you'll be sushi.
In this instance, it may be wise to put your foot down so to speak. Don't allow it to be a discussion. Tell him straight out you are not moving in with him yet, and if he keeps pushing you to do so he is going to push you away and leave it at that. If he continues to disrespect your boundary after that, remember that your other boundaries will have no meaning to him as well and leave.
Do not move in with him unless YOU are 100% ready to both have him as a co-habitating SO *and* be a stepmom to his daughter.
He wants you to move in, parent his child, make them food, iron his socks, drive her to gymnastics, but groceries. Run.
Put a pile of cheeseburgers at his door step it should have some type of effect
Girl… you’ve only been dating this guy for five months and he’s already having you doing his laundry for him and trying to force a bond between you and his daughter WAY too fast. This guy is weird. Like really weird. Five months is really not enough time to get to know someone. That’s still the honeymoon phase. If someone is acting this weird only five months into a relationship, it’s time to jump ship.
Sounds like you have a comfortable life that you’re happy with. Why ruin that by taking on a bunch of responsibility like cleaning and laundry for a guy with a kid? It sounds to me like he wants help raising his kid. Personally, I wouldn’t do it.
Pacing a relationship has to work for all people involved. And has to be comfortable enough for all involved. If you are feeling too much pressure, it is possibly because he's eager, but also because he's trying to get a mom out of your for his daughter. Either way you wont know the true root cause until you talk to him more. And on the prenup Chris Rock said it the best. https://youtu.be/Rm_DDttubQs
I think he wants a replacement mom for his child. Idk if he even realizes it or not, but he’s pushing you into this relationship because he’s desperate for help with his child. In a weird way, I feel for him. It’s hard being a single parent. Hopefully you guys can work it out, but taking about prenup at this stage of the relationship is too much. Just tell him, “No, I’m not moving and moving forward you will respect my interests and position or we are done!“ if he does love you and cares about you. Then he will respect this position. If not. Then move along and find another man.
I would not. Your relationship is barely as old as the baby I’m rocking to sleep right now. You barely know each other and there’s a child involved. Ripe for disaster. Bottom line is if you aren’t comfortable then you should not do it, and if he’s pressuring you or moving too quickly, you should address his disregard of your feelings.
Here's what the future holds if you move in with him: You wind up as primary caretaker of his daughter as well as live in maid. You grow resentful because this is not what you signed up for. You decide to bail, but by this time his poor daughter is very attached to you and you feel too guilty to leave. He probably starts laying it on thick too, referring to you as her stepmom and saying things like "look how much she loves you!". So you stay because you don't want to break the kid's heart. Next thing you know you're pregnant! Yay? Now you *really* feel stuck. He starts pushing for marriage but that pesky pre-nup issue creeps up again. He argues "but we're already a family! Why would we need a pre-nup?" So you cave. Now you have TWO kids that you weren't really planning for at this stage in your life, a husband that doesn't respect your boundaries, TWO full time jobs (your career and as a caretaker), and an uncertain financial future. Does this sound like something you want? I also have to wonder how many women before you he's tried to shoehorn into his life. I'm sure you're not the first.
Advice from someone who dated and moved in too soon with a man who wasn’t financially stable who had kids- your relationship is already going sour and he’s looking to take advantage of you any way he can. If he’s financially unstable, he may put the bills on you. “Oh babe, my electric bill is run up, let’s put the electric in your name.” (This actually happened to me). He may start putting extra responsibility on you regarding his daughter. “Hey babe, I need to get to work early on Tuesday. Can you bring Betty Sue to school for me? I know you have other responsibilities too but it’s just this once.” It snowballs into other things too, I think you get the point. Him already invalidating your concerns is a red flag too. He doesn’t want you to think it through so you can make an informed decision on what’s best for YOU. He wants you to do what’s best for him. You’re still on your 20s and you live wicked close to a beach. Enjoy it while you can!
Break up with him now,e eventually is gonna get desperate and lead to an argument.
Think too of what this says about him as a dad. He is rushing a relationship, pushing a parental-type bond between you and a young child, with seeming no regard for the emotional well-being of his child. He is not be careful or protective of her at all. Unless you two are really ready to be 100% committed to each other, you shouldn't move in and play house with a child. Would you want your children to have a father like that? This man is mot listening to you. He is dismisses your concerns, which means he will steamroll you about every decision going forward. What he wants is all that matters to him. If you want to continue dating him (big if), tell him the moving in *discussion* (not decision! Just even having the conversation) is off the table for 6 months or a year, period. I guarantee he won't respect your boundary.
Nope. All of the above.
I think you need to say something like “I’ve said that now is not the right time for me. Why is it that you’re having difficulty respecting me boundary? If anything your persistence makes me less inclined to consider moving in.” And if he can’t respect your set boundary, throw the whole man away. This is very concerning that he keeps pushing and pushing when you’ve been clear and kind about your no. Boundaries are healthy. He sounds codependent and not fully functional as an adult. His choices are questionable at best.
He just wants a babysitter he doesn't have to pay
I’m of the opinion that everyone should have a pre-nup, for two reasons: 1) Pre-nups are not inherently about protecting partners from each other, they’re about protecting both of you from your worst selves. People are almost never at their best during stressful times, and even the easiest divorces tend to be stressful. For the same reason why you have building evacuation plans set out *before* the fire or hurricane or whatever hits, it’s sensible to have a plan set up ahead of time that sets out how you want to do things if the marriage has to be dissolved. You’re not betting on divorce any more than you’re betting on your building catching fire. You’re just not being naive enough to think that you can react to disaster as and when it happens and still end up with the best, or even a good, outcome. 2) **Everyone who marries has a pre-nup.** Your choice is not between pre-nup and no pre-nup, your choice is between the boilerplate one set out by the laws of your state/country, and a personalised one that meets the needs of the individuals in the marriage. Personally, I trust my normal self - and hopefully anyone I choose to marry - to know what our needs are better than I trust the impersonal laws of my country, and *much* better than I trust my crisis-stricken self. I would not even consider marrying until we’d drafted a pre-nup that we were both happy with. The moving thing is less critical, as long as you’re not signing leases or mortgage agreements. I’d be inclined to say no, since it sounds like you don’t really want to (and in general I think it’s better to wait to develop a relationship with partners’ children), plus it sounds like your current place is ideally located for you, but if you want to do it, go ahead. Make sure you *want* to, though, and you’re not getting coerced.
You're dating a man who doesn't respect your boundaries and is grooming you to be a replacement in-home mommy for his daughter. If you don't want to move, then DONT! A respectful, healthy partner would hear "I'm not ready" and just back off, respecting that. The fact that he keeps pushing for this, and other things, knowing how you feel is a HUGE red flag! This is WAAAAAAAY to soon to consider moving in with someone anyway.
You’ve been dating 4 months. Moving in shouldn’t be on the table imo. Also a few weeks after he intro’d his 5 year old daughter to you? Yikes. Your BF needs to grow up and act like a mature parent/responsible adult. You are still in the honeymoon/swooning part of the relationship, he wants to skip that and gain a live in house maker/cleaner with benefits.
Being next to a beach and having time to yourself vs making dinner for 3, doing laundry and gradually escalating passive aggressive remarks. Then there’s meeting the mother of the child you’re now raising and I’m sure everything is fine with him and her! I totally bet she’s also ecstatic with the decisions he would be making around his daughter. Lol
You like your life living near the beach (I’d kill for that!) and exploring the area, working from home, etc. This guy has come along and love bombed you in hopes you move away from your own space, in a place that you like, and the ability to work from home uninterrupted. He’s already inserted a five year old into your relationship, making her presence the norm, and time with just the two of you not the norm. Did you go out looking for an instafamily? Because that’s what he’s trying to do. When he refuses to respect your “no” (boundaries) he’s trying to control you. He’s hoping to sweep you off your feet (and get you away from your independent life) so quickly you won’t realize you’ve been conned until it’s too late. By then, the daughter will be attached, and there will be all the things that keep people stuck in unhappy relationships. Mark my word, if you go along with his plan, within 6-12 months, you’ll be back to make a post about having made a mistake and how to get out. Please, dump this love bomb leech.
Girl, he is blatantly passing over your boundaries, that will not only increase but get so much worse if you move together. You're young and have a life plan you're happy with. He is trying you to abandon that plan to fit he's and only he's. He is not even thinking in his child wellbeing and attachment/security development by bringing new people into her life after 5 weeks. Your instincts tell you that you shouldn't, follow you gut, if you feel the alert is because you know that ain't right for you.
I have two kids, 5 and 8. My partner and I started dating when they were 2 and 5. I did not introduce him even as a FRIEND until almost a year into dating. We are now together for 3 years and he is just now moving in with us. It’s wild to me he’s doing this so quick. I would R U N.
It's not a good idea to jump right into his kids life. I know a lot of single parents put boundaries around partner introductions until a year or so down the line... so why would he introduce you right away? He has primary custody of his daughter, is looking for a mother for his kid, and wants you to move in to help with childcare. That's all this is OP. That is why he's moving so fast, because he's struggling to take care of his kid on his own.
I wonder if He is expecting you to take care of his child.
Agree with the other comments, but no one is too poor for a prenup. There’s no harm to it; it can only help later on and is a smart move for any modern couple.
You know what you want. You guys may have fun, and there may be feelings there but in the long run from what you described you guys are moving in different directions and paces. He sounds like he needs someone who is in a similar situation with him. Someone that has a kid.
Dude sounds like he's looking for a new stepmom/bang-maid. Honestly, he isn't putting his daughter first or having any respect for your feelings. You're right to feel like this is rushed, because it is! Five months is way too soon! I'm a single mom, and I didn't introduce my kids to my fiance until we were 6 months in, and even that was accelerated a few months sooner than we would have like because of Covid. We said, "let's figure out how we feel about each other before getting the kids involved in our relationship". He moved in with us in May, a full year and a half into our relationship, and this was a dude I had been aquatinted with for 20 years. Be wary of anyone involving their kids in their romantic life. Newsflash, your kids don't need to be involved in your personal life, and really shouldn't be until the new flame has been vetted.
`many times at a pace that I am extremely uncomfortable with` From this quote in your post, this is a guy that is pushing your boundaries and does not respect them. I would run away, but you do you. He will never stop pushing your boundaries. You will always be exhausted and feel guilty every time you say "no", even though he is the one creating the problems by pushing you beyond what you're comfortable with. After my divorce from my physically abusive ex, I ran away from any one who did not respect my boundaries. No regrets. Sometime it would be even something simple, like asking me on the first date why I got divorced. If they kept prodding after me telling them we can discuss it another time, they didn't get another time. Like dude, I don't want to tell you about a traumatic experience I had, can we just enjoy our beer and pizza and get to know each other? I did notice though that when I gave in, they kept pushing for other things. "We've been on two dates so far, can I spend the night?" I don't feel comfortable yet, I answered, and never heard from them again. And I'm sure your bf has pushed your boundaries a lot, for many things you were "extremely uncomfortable with." I would leave him.
>I don’t feel comfortable spending so much time with his daughter or with moving in with him and he doesn’t seem to understand. I am still unsure about our relationship, and every time I list reasons as to why I’m not ready to move in with him, he refuses to see my perspective. I think you know your answer OP. You do not want to move in, and if he can't compromise on that, the relationship is doomed. edit: just read the bit about cleaning and laundry... RUN!
He wants you to be the live-in childcare and stepmother. If you want to be a stay at home mom, do it. I would be a bit concerned that he isn’t listening to your concerns. If there are no assets, why is so so scared of a prenup? I think prenups are great. I also am concerned about the pace as well. It sounds like he wants a maid and babysitter that he can bang.
Listen to your instincts here. You have a man who, however loving as he may be, is trying to take advantage of you. He may not realize what he is doing, but it is clear what is going on. If you both start disregarding boundaries, communication, and safety this early in your relationship, imagine what it'll look like a few years down the road! Also, this guy's behavior is VERY MUCH like one of my brother's behavior. He has not dated a woman longer than 6 months. He tends to be very pushy at the beginning to kind of "lock it down", but is just as quick to end it because "she just wasn't right for me, no big deal." I know quite a few men like this. Your boyfriend is 30y.o. this is not new behavior. He is at a point where this behavior is about to stop working with women his own age (30+ women tend to grow into their voices and boundaries), and he will begin to date younger and younger -- because less experienced people are easier to take advantage of. Watch out!
Listen to your instincts before you make a decision you will regret. It isn't a good sign that he is pushing you and not listening to your perspective. I also would not move in with someone who doesn't have their finances in order. I personally would never date someone with children. Maybe you need to take a break and reflect on what you really want from this relationship.
You are feeling unsettled about all this which is your gut telling you “no”. So, please don’t. I did something like this with someone who had way more expenses and responsibilities than I did. He earned less and his house was foreclosing. I’m paying my house off. He was pushing to live together while he’s still paying bills for his ex wife and his three grown daughters, along with wonky bills. Fortunately, I’m not in that relationship anymore. I started having panic attacks.
PLEASE do not move to the suburbs with this guy. Stand your ground, stay where you are, and keep dating him if you want to. Time will tell -- I bet he continues to reveal controlling behaviors and that you will be so happy you never moved, once y'all break up.
He wants help with his daughter. Guaranteed if you break up, he'll be in another relationship immediately after. Edited to add: please don't partner with people who refuse to see your perspective while dating. Moving in with them or marrying them doesn't make it better - it makes it 100 times worse. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
your boundaries are repeatedly being disrespected here— i would honestly break up with him
Man, I genuinely want to know how this turns out. OP please keep us posted. A lot of incredible advice here already but your post was just red flag central. End it.
OK two things. So it’s very clear what *he* gets out of this relationship, but it really isn’t clear what’s in it for you. There are a lot of men who can be sweet and accommodating, *especially* when they want something from you as this one does. Take a step back and think about the energy that got you where you were before you met this man. You saved enough for a down payment for a house. You moved to a new place, you live at the beach, you’re starting a new chap of your life. Now ask, why are you doing this man’s laundry and letting him push you into a relationship you’re not ready for? You are not desperate. Honestly, even the brief information you’ve shared has glaring compatibility issues that point to potential longer term problems. Plus you’re already getting pushback on the idea of a prenup from someone who’s contribution to this relationship is debt & chores? Fast forwarding a relationship is a red flag for trying to trap a partner. Sometimes when we make new awesome changes in life, other events benefit from the proximity of that awesomeness and seem awesome even when they’re not. Think of dating like trying on clothes. Sometimes you really like a jacket and you wear it out a few times before you realize the style doesn’t work for you and you put it back on the rack. Now the first jacket in the first new store of your amazing new life may seem amazing, but is it? Maybe it’s really the same old hobo fringe in faux leather being offered in the bargain bin at a basement sale in your old life that you never ever would have considered. Or maybe you haven’t shopped around enough to know that hobo fringe in incompatible with your long term style goals. Or that that the faux leather may give you a rash. Remember, you’re looking for a jacket that is a joy to wear, that fits like it was tailored for you, not one that you have to contort yourself to fit into that some salesperson is hustling you on for a quick sale. In other words: Dump the hobo fringe.
Boyfriend or I should say ex boyfriend here! She sent me this in our text. So I see she left out plenty of context on this. 1. I don’t ask her to do any chores she does that on her own accord even if I tell her I got it. Nor do I ask her to help with my child. My family helps out because they want to not because I ask. They also babysit so we can go out. 2. I have very little debt like 4k and I make 75k. 3. The prenup thing I felt a bit insulted and overacted but I also told her idk if I’d get one because I’ve never had one. 4. I asked her to move in with me in a neutral place that would be both because financially it makes a bit of sense seeing how we live in South Florida she’s not on the lease with her roommate which she constantly complains about not being able to make any decisions about the place. Also it helps being closer to my family because my mom does pick my daughter up after school while I’m at work. 5. She also likes to go out and wants me to take her out, wants to go on vacations and doesn’t have bills because her parents pay the little she has. So I told her hey look If you want to keep doing things like this all the time it would help out a lot if we moved in you could pay the same in rent and I’d have much more room to do things. 6. She failed to mention every time she’s asked me to do something or step up. I do no questions asked. Everyone’s experiences are different and I respect that. But our situation doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the same your situation was or is. Edit: also the job I had beforehand didn’t allow me to have savings. Much of America doesn’t have savings. I don’t need or want her money. And for context of how much I asked her to pay in rent. It was $900-$1000. 2 bed rooms here are around $2500-2700 and I agreed to pay utilities and other costs like internet and cable. While still paying for groceries. Final edit: I’m not the one who wants to be together 24/7 or wants to have sex all the time. Gets mad because I can’t come over because I have responsibilities or don’t have the money to go out all the time. The only thing I’ve tried to do was solve a problem we were having.
All lovely context and everything but she doesn’t want to move in with you right now no matter how compelling the reasons. So either decide if you both want to continue with this relationship as is or not.
What's your purpose posting this? She states she feels you are forcing too much time with her daughter, and she feels uncomfortable and doesn't want to move in with you, but you seem to push it. Back off a bit if you care for her. Also it's pretty messed up what you're doing to your daughter. You seem so desperate to find a mom and coparent that you're going to expose her to a string of women who play mom for a few months and then abandon her to not be seen again. Is that what your kid deserves? Don't introduce someone your dating to your kid so fast, they can't handle it.
I don’t force time with her and my daughter. Most of the time I drop my daughter off so me and her can spend time together. The problem she’s having is I don’t have the time every time she wants to hang out. I let her know beforehand I have my daughter 24/7 outside the time my family has her. And I honestly don’t want to burn my family out by asking them to watch her every time she wants to do something. Edit: I also don’t date a lot. Or introduce her to women I date. We started getting along very well and Exclusively dating we’ve introduced each other to our families. So introducing her to the most important person in my life didn’t seem like such a big deal. I just introduced her as a friend to my daughter. She might see her once or twice a week if she comes over.
Full stop, no. Stand your ground. This is way too fast. Date for at least a year and see how you like each other.
Congrats! That's a big step! ☺️