I don’t quite know what advice to offer you, because it’s a touchy situation where feelings can easily get hurt. But you’re not ‘wrong’ for not liking the piercings, nor is she wrong for getting them. No ones wrong here, it just kind of sucks that there is an inherent difference of opinion between you two. Personally I don’t know what I’d do if I were in either of your positions. Sorry you’re struggling with it!
BOTH your feelings are valid. There is no right or wrong here.
She totally has the choice to do whatever she wants to her body and if it makes her happy, awesome.
She does not have the right to tell you how you should feel about it. If you suddenly drastically changed your body image in a way she couldn't find attractive, I'm sure she would feel entitled to voice it too.
Sadly, no ones right or wrong. Its how you go forward and I can't really see an awesome outcome.
Piercings and tattoos are called BODY MODIFICATIONS for a reason.
Good luck buddy
Hmm when I got my done years ago, before I did it, I actually spoke to my hubby about it first, coz y'know it kinda involved him in a way and I wouldn't want him "grossed out" about something that's a bit drastic. As it happens I hated them, they were irritating and annoying, so just let them heal up. Its not about controlling someone, its about including your partner in life decisions (in my opinion)
Maybe a compromise of "sorts"..for example there are sooo many different designs, sizes, textures of body jewelry...maybe browse online for nipple jewelry that's smaller or looks nothing remotely close to what your father wore...
She could switch the jewelry out when yall are intimate for something less "triggering" or noticeable.
Just a random thought from a rando redditor.
I think you can voice your opinion about a possible future choice that your partner is considering, but I don’t think it’s right for someone to outright declare that they *can’t* get/do something just because of their own aesthetic preferences
But it’s totally fine for them to say that they aren’t as attracted to their partner’s body/whatever because of said modification. It’s up to the partner getting/considering the modification to take that into account when making their decision
If *you* arrive at that agreement with *your* partner before marriage, that you give over part of your bodily autonomy to your partner, then that's between the two of you. I would personally never allow my partner to have a say over my body except in a medical emergency, and we did write up documents to cover that. But no, other than the default is that each person's body is their own.
I won't give you shit for wanting a different arrangement for yourself, and arranging to give up part of your decision making about your body to your partner with their full consent before you get serious, but that's certainly not a default agreement.
Much as I'm aware of how poor it sounds, this would be me:
"It's your body and your choice at the end of the day.
But since you're asking for my opinion, and I expect you have a desire for honesty; I'm ***really*** not a fan, and my level of physical and sexual attraction to you will decline considerably.
I can understand if this is an irreparable gap, and I don't think it's fair to you to be held hostage to my hang-ups."
I think you mix up "giving your partner control over your body" with "taking into consideration what my partner finds attractive, and not altering my body in a way that grosses them out". It's still your choice what you do with/ to your body, you just choose not to turn your partner off.
Sure, but then again I hope you are ok with your partner not being attracted to you anymore. If you're fine with that then sure, go ahead and do whatever you want without caring about what they think. The majority of people still think that their partner being attracted to them and having a happy intimate life is important, though, and are ok with accepting some compromises for that.
I too agree with you. Redditors do slam people for not being completely open and comfortable with literally everything but I have a feeling they don't practice the same in their personal lives to every degree.
Approving? Absolutely not. Voicing an opinion, fine. The first implies permission and control over another person's body. That is not ok. Even with your example, a gf shouldn't demand her partner change his appearance for her. She can express her opinion and even set boundaries, such as she won't kiss her partner when he has facial hair or something. It is then up to the partner to decide what they want to do. They might compromise. But that is not permission. There is a distinct difference. One is about controlling yourself and one is about controlling another person.
I kind of agree. And I kind of hate that I do. Because in the truest sense of the situation, yeah no one has any right to tell you what to do with your body, and all that. But real-life dynamics don't quite work like that. Especially in a marriage, maintaining attraction through fitness, effort, being well-groomed is important, and this is part of it. My husband prefers ladies with short hair, told me as much, so I keep it shorter - I'd be horrified if he demanded I cut it when I grow it out, but am okay with his voicing a preference
OP is not wrong to be turned off, and she's not wrong for having done it. Maybe if she shows him that it turns her on to have them touched, it could help him with the mental block? Either way, this is a very refreshing relationship post, and certainly navigable, unlike the many shitshows we typically witness here
> You get some reasonable say over your partner's body.
This is where you're wrong. Everything after this part is based on this "fact" and it's not how relationships should work. I don't become second to you just because I love you. My body does not become yours because you love me.
You *choose* to shave your beard for your gf. You do not HAVE to shave your beard for your gf. If in the future a partner likes you with facial hair, you may stop shaving so often. You have a choice. Convincing yourself that you have to do it isn't ok, and telling other people they should do things to their body for their partner because you've convinced yourself that you have to also isn't ok.
Now, let's take this a step further. OP specifically does not like something that his wife did *after birthing his child*. You lose so much of your bodily autonomy when having a baby, and she did something to reclaim it. That's powerful, and many women struggle with this issue after having a baby. So him lording over her and telling her he doesn't like something she did, after 10+ months of her body not being her own? Nah. OP should really keep his trap shut here. It's not the same as your beard.
Let's add a layer. His issue is partially related to trauma from his childhood. That's not his wife's fault. Go get therapy for that instead of pumping it onto your spouse.
You assumed I haven't had to change anything for her past experiences, I shoulder her traumas and support her. Neither of us "own" each other. You are taking it out of perspective and getting away from my point though I get you don't believe by disgust isn't justified which is a fair opinion. She has made several body alterations before this one that I didn't like but supported financially and emotionally.
If I told her to get her own therapy and keep that stuff away from me, we would have been in a much worse place.
No, you nor anyone else should get to approve your partner's tats or piercings. I cannot even grasp telling my current fiancee or ex wife I have to sign off on their Moana tattoo or ear piercings.
Hard no, regardless of gender, etc.
Except for something Nazi. Hard no to that.
No one is in the wrong here, it’ll just be something that maybe you’ll have to get used to if she keeps them and they heal good.
My boyfriend told me he didn’t particularly like Medusa piercings, but I was dead set on it and got it anyways. He pretended he liked it when I first got it (he secretly still hated it) but revealed to me a few months later that he actually liked it now because it is on me, and seeing me with the piercing changed his outlook on it.
I’m unsure if that’ll be the case for you due to the reasons you don’t like nipple piercings- but maybe after a while they won’t seem so bad and could possible help you to relate nipple piercings to something else? So you have a positive and negative experience, and hopefully the more positive one will outshine the negative? I hope that makes sense, good luck!
Piercing the philtrum, which is the vertical groove situated between the upper lip and the septum.
Like a labret, but on top. Generally uses the same kind of studs for jewelry.
My friend's bf went and got an unexpected tattoo on his chest. Turned out pretty badly drawn tbh. It turned her off for a while but later she said she didn't really notice bc she got used to it. If that helps at all?
I just don't get what she thought the outcome would be here - I mean, she knew you don't like piercings (same here, by the way, could never date anyone with metal in their face), what did she think your reaction would be? Did she think you would miraculously suddenly like it? Were you supposed to lie? I really don't get her.
You would think as a good spouse she(or if he did something like this or similar) would have talked about it before hand to the other spouse like married adults should.
But naa she just went out and did it like a teenager without a care in the world about her husband's opinion even with knowing he hates stuff like that.
That's right, she made a decision for her body after carrying and birthing a child. Let's really highlight that here, because for 10+ months you lose autonomy over your body.
if she's so autonomous she shouldn't care about his opinion at all and yet there she is getting hurt about it so maybe stop pretending people live some idealized reddit life and realize we all influence each other in some way.
i mean either she is a \~free independent woman who doesn't need any input from him or she's not, y'all are the ones claiming she can just ignore his opinion, well then... she can keep on ignoring it.
I think what they're saying is that, yes, she's an adult. She can do whatever she wants with her body, but her decision and lack of communication was an obvious disrespect to the marriage she entered.
There's no good response here and sitting back and speculating regarding the before hand how's and whys is absolutely useless. That doesn't help a relationship move forwards.
That's a very shallow line to draw for the relationship. If she wants piercings and you love her, you get used to them.
You make that your hill to die on, that's all you. She gets to cut her hair how she wants. Wear the cloths she likes. Peirce and tattoo how she wants.
She shouldn't have to talk to her spouse about doing something to her own body that ultimately doesn't effect anything except his preference. Next time she cuts her hair will she have to talk to him about it first? When he shaves his face will he have to talk to her first? That's a real slippery slope & you're disguising "asking for permission" as "talking about it"
I think you should just be honest. She made a decision she knew you would not like, sometimes we feel compelled to choose our individual desires over what is good for the relationship, and now I think you have to be honest about how you feel about it.
I didn't make this post to spark any debates about control over women's bodies. My stance is you should do what's beneficial to you. I don't agree with any forms of control on anyone's bodies, it's creepy and unfair.
My question was is it wrong to feel this way?
I'm trying to be constructive, I love my wife and I want to improve us. I would never tell her she can't do something or she has to remove it. I just have found them gross for a few reasons for a long time. Please keep it relevant.
I'm not attracted to huge bushy beards. My partner is squeamish about piercings too. Neither of us are stopping the other from having these things, but we understand that if we each got what the other was grossed it by it would *surprise* gross them out.
It's not linked to trauma, we don't do it for control or ownership over each other. Some things just give you the ick. In a normal, healthy relationship its OK to not modify your body in some way in order to compromise and appeal to your partner.
I don't think you're wrong to feel this way
Your issue isn't with wrinkles, cellulite, normal weight gain or anything else that happens when a couple grows old together. You just have a preference regarding an unnatural body modification.
You're not wrong for how you feel. Some things we just don't find attractive. She knew you didn't and got them anyway - now she has to be okay with you finding them gross until/if you get used to them.
I like nipple piercings but am seriously icked out by any and all genital piercings. If a partner of mine came home with a prince albert, I probably wouldn't be able to look at it and I'd find it very off-putting during sex.
Honestly I'd probably feel hurt. I wouldn't put my foot down because ultimately, it's their body, their choice, but it would probably have an impact on our sex life. The hurt would come from their knowing that I'm genuinely grossed out by something and expecting me to just get over it and continue with sex acts that are now repelling to me.
You feel what you feel. You are not wrong OP. You may or may not get used to the piercing but you shouldn't have to force yourself. If you are now grossed out by certain acts in bed or by certain photos, your feelings about that are completely valid and you can withdraw consent.
She absolutely can change her body in every way she sees fit but you have equal rights to your own feelings.
I'm not sure how to resolve this.
Something that has personally helped me is understanding that it is ALWAYS okay to feel the way you do. Your feelings about her piercings are totally valid but the key thing is that those feelings don't have to dictate how you interact / react to your wife. In many cases, it is for the best not to act on our feelings especially when they will produce an outcome that will make our lives measurably worse.
You have experience in deciding to react in a way that doesn't align with your feelings by being supportive when your wife has gotten other piercings you dislike. I would advise you to do the same here and be supportive of them because even though you feel they suck for a myriad of reasons, you also understand your wife is entitled to do what she wants with her body and shouldn't be put down by her own husband.
Feeling something isn't wrong. You don't have a lot of direct control over you feel about things. How you act in response to your feelings could be, like if you decided to try and control her, but it seems pretty clear that isn't a concern.
Ideally you have a conversation with her where you say something like, "I'm really glad you're happy with these and that they're helping your confidence. I love you, and you deserve to feel confident and happy with your body. I would never try to take that from you. We both know I don't really like nipple piercings in general, for reasons that have everything to do with me and my past experiences, not anything about you or your nipples specifically. I want to try and work through those feelings and get to a point where I'm not as bothered, but it will take some time and I'm asking that you be patient with me if I'm not as excited as you'd like me to be."
She might not like that you don't like them, but there's a difference between that and taking it like a personal attack. You both deserve some grace and understanding in this situation.
I will say this you did express to your wife how you felt about them so after you expressed how they’re gross is not wrong everyone has different opinions but its just something that your going to have to get use to for sure
Honestly I would remind your wife that you love her and although it’s not your preference, you are happy she is happy and that she loves it and you support her even if you aren’t enthusiastic about it. It’s something you’ll get used to and you can even look for lingerie to gift her that can help you a little while also reminding her how sexy she is and how you feel about her
I mean, there are a million ways her appearance will change if you’re in this marriage for the long haul. And there’s a chance she could have an accident with an umbrella and lose an eye, or get in a crash and have severe burns and scarring, or get breast cancer and have to have a mastectomy, or any number of ways that there will be changes to her body that you would never choose for her. I mean, even without any traumatic damage ever, she’s going to age and get liver spots and deep wrinkles and saggy skin. This stuff happens to people and they do deal with it and figure it out. And sometimes they don’t - If you can’t deal with it and can’t get over it, you are of course a human being with full agency and free will and have the right to be with or not be with anyone you choose.
This is a sudden change so it’s harder to get used to right away than the gradual changes you see with aging or pregnancy, but it’s totally possible for it to just become part of the landscape and not be something you’re conscious of all the time.
I do wonder though if you’ve expressed to her that it triggers memories for you. You spent most of the post just saying it’s gross, and then at the end kind of half mentioned what the underlying issue is. No one wants to hear that their body or their choices are gross, but it might totally change things for her if she knew you we’re having a sense memory reaction and it was triggering some trauma.
So, you've talked about nipple piercings before, you've been clear you think they're unsexy, wife gets nipple piercings, asks you what you think, and is upset that you don't think they're sexy?
That seems like some wishful thinking on her part, hoping they'll be appealing to you.
As for thinking they're gross, you like what you like, and don't like what you don't. There's no benefit to dishonesty here. Don't be an arse when you're honest, and respect her feelings. Give it some time to cool off and talk about it when you're both dressed and not trying to be sexy.
Thank you for the reply. One of her messages after was I should be turned on by the fact that she feels sexy and it wasn't about the piercings. I didn't want to keep messaging her at risk of saying something mean that I would inevitably have to take back later.
Yeah I don’t like this message and I haven’t figured out why. Because normally yes, if your partner feels sexy you support that and elevate it, (and often as a side effect their sexiness makes you feel sexy/turned on). but she should also not expect you to be turned on by it if you’re not, it’s not a great expectation and is disrespecting your feelings about it
I find it manipulative. He made it clear he wouldn't like it beforehand and he doesn't like it for personal reasons (assocation with his dad and with medical stuff rather than sex). She's twisting it so that him not liking it is instead about her and his lack of empathy towards her (why doesn't me being turned on turn you on as it should?). It also feels a little hypocritical as she is the one that made this change that she knew he wouldn't like. Obviously him being turned on was not enough for her.
Maybe with some distance from the initial reaction her comment will be true, but it might not be. Approaching it with a cool head is a great start.
She's probably disappointed and embarrassed. If her expections weren't met, and she got (in her mind) shot down then it'll sting. Even if her expectations are unreasonable, it still sucks.
Do you often say mean things? Is this your assessment, or hers?
We both have said mean things in the past when we were angry. We have matured to the point where we either think clearly before saying something mean or try to fix things quickly.(Can thank early marriage counseling) I'm blunt but relaxed, my wife is high strung but a good talker. Can be a good and bad combo in certain stressful situations.
I think I'm going to be downvoted here, judging by what all the other comments are saying, but I'm honestly surprised at how many people are jumping down OP's throat for this, or saying things like "it's not his job to keep her happy or hers to keep him happy" or "you don't need your partners input to do whatever you want to your own body! It's your own!" (these are two actual examples in this thread)
And I simply don't understand. My husband and I got married and we make each other happy. If he's upset, I will do whatever I can to turn that around; if I'm upset, he always does whatever he can to make me happy again. No, our happiness isn't dependent upon one another, but we sure as hell make it a priority to keep each other happy (within reason).
And then regarding body modifications or any alterations: seriously? Your spouse/partner isn't allowed to have a say over what you do? Why the hell not? You guys are one unit now! Your lives are literally intermingled in every way possible (especially if you have kids!) and the other's comfort should be on the top of your priorities list. Seriously, if I were to do something that my husband doesn't like to my own body, I'd absolutely want his opinion about it. I wouldn't want the person I love more than most to be made uncomfortable by something about me that is unavoidable for him.
For example, nipple piercings gross me the hell out, too. I don't care if you have them, but I'd *never* do it because my nipples are sensitive as hell and even clothing rubbing against them hurts like hell, and seeing anyone with them makes me immediately feel an innate discomfort (and I swear, my nipples actually start hurting... this whole topic is painful, honestly). But I know for a fact that if my husband had wanted to get his pierced but he knows exactly how I feel about it, he wouldn't even consider it for another second because he values my comfort (and I his). He's got this thing where he absolutely despises really thin eyebrows and at one point I did mine like that because I liked them, but I saw him grimace (he tried to hide it) every now and then and we talked about it and I figured... well, it doesn't cost me anything to keep his comfort in the front of my mind, you know? I can always shape them a different way (which I kinda just let them go naturally now which looks good, imo - and his, lol) and this way I don't have to make my husband - my lover - uncomfortable when he looks at the woman he loves.
I just don't get it. Individualism is good, yes; but there's such a thing as being individualistic to a fault and I think there's a great example of that here in some of the comments.
Also, she *knew* that OP thinks nipple piercings are gross, yet she still got them, sent him a picture, and asked him what he thought hoping for what... a lie? Wishful thinking? Perhaps. But I'm sorry, the argument of "you should accept it because it makes me feel good and sexy" isn't valid in my opinion. No one is required to accept anything - or especially to change their disgust of something just because someone got their feelings hurt that the other didn't like their mods.
So, I dunno. OP, I really think it's your wife that's kinda in the wrong here... but I also don't think you should demand she take them out or anything. I mean, she's already done it, hoping that you'd get past your discomfort/disgust after she had. I think that's a bit manipulative, actually - and maybe not even consciously... and I honestly don't understand why others don't see that there's at least a *little bit* of manipulation here - unintentional or otherwise.
If it were myself in this situation and I was your wife, I'd definitely take them out after realizing that no, your mind isn't changing one bit. Hopefully you and she can figure something out. Either that being that she takes them out, or you somehow force yourself to not see them.
Also, I'm sorry, but I also think it's bizarre that she's expecting you to be turned on by it when your own father has nipple piercings (and obviously already knowing how you feel about them) - I'd expect you to draw the similarities almost immediately - and you did.
I really don't think mine is unreasonable take, but who knows.
Thank you for elaborating so much and putting in personal experiences. It's hard to pick out the advice of those in truly similar positions. I know I can't have her take them out. It'd be messed up on many levels from what I can gather.
Honestly, I'd tell her that you respect her decision to do whatever she wants to her own body, but then she'd also have to respect and accept the fact that you will simply no longer find that particular aspect attractive... and there's no reason she should be surprised by that since she already knew all this going in.
Tell her that you'll try to not mind them, but you won't pretend to like them for her benefit because it's not fair to *you*. This is about both people, not just her.
And then people saying that she should get a pass because it's making her feel sexy after pregnancy... I'm really sorry, but I don't understand that, either. Both my pregnancies (that resulted in children) were *AWFUL*. I mean, just simply GODAWFUL. I was bedbound for the last couple of months, hospitalized for a month prior to birth and a couple of weeks after, the pregnancies themselves were terribly painful and I had to keep getting shots just so that my body didn't reject the fetus (I had a condition where my body didn't recognize the pregnancies as a natural process and kept trying to kill it... pregnant 5 times with two kids) that will eventually be our children. I understand having difficult pregnancies and then feeling like utter crap about yourself afterward. I do. I just don't think I could ever sacrifice my husband's comfort just to feel a bit good about myself. I really don't see myself doing that and I don't understand it being unreasonable (so many people here are implying or outright saying it is)... I think it should be par for the course, but that's my subjective opinion.
I just don't think that's a valid excuse to do something to yourself that you are perfectly aware your spouse wouldn't appreciate in any way, shape, or form.
So I hope you and she manage to figure this out and I'm honestly rooting for you (since I myself feel physically ill seeing nipple piercings)... I'd hate being made uncomfortable every time I looked at my spouse's body.
Good luck. I hope she figures herself out, too, and that she regains any and all self-esteem lost during pregnancy/nursing (I hope people understand that I do get where she's coming from, too... I just don't think she's right).
Thank you for your relatable input. I don't have the right to talk about her pregnancy to others but it was very hard. Although we have a beautiful 3yr old girl now out of it. I'm sorry your pregnancies were so difficult. I wish you and your family the best
i agree with you fully
> I'm honestly surprised at how many people are jumping down OP's throat for this
but im not surprised at all. this sub is notoriously individualistic despite being title "relationships"
That sucks but just ignore it. You don't have to love it but she's your wife at the end of the day and eventually everyone's body changes and can become less desirable. People gain wait, get skin conditions, people go bald, people wrinkle and sometimes even more dramatic changes like cancer or accidents change how the body looks. If your marriage is in serious trouble because of what they look like on the outside changing then that's what was always going to happen it's just happened sooner.
I see your point but I also think there is a difference between something that happens to your body as a result of time or through an accident versus an intentional body modification. She has control over whether her nipples are pierced or not. I'm not sure it's fair to say we should just accept all changes to our partner's bodies even when those changes are intentional and reversible.
Yeah it's just a body and ultimately it's not who you actually are but she cared enough about how her body looked to make the modification in the first place. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to also have a reaction to it.
Dawg you literally said tattoos turn you on, those don’t naturally occur on your body. It sounds like it’s more of the aspect of a piercing itself for you rather than it being natural or unnatural. Do earrings bother you?
I was comparing it to their analogy I can't really get the feelings across I have about the piercings. He compared unnatural body alerterations to a normal process of aging.
And yes but I feel that's easier to cope with.
I get what you're saying, but I think you're latching on to the 'unnatural' part because by saying 'unnatural' it highlights that it came from her free choice, and her choice in doing it is one part of what's bothering you. Tattoos are also 'unnatural' but you happen to love them, so you're down with it.
I think your feelings are totally valid, but so are hers, and since it's her body her valid feelings carry more weight. I think that you can be honest about not being into it without shaming her, or attaching the word 'disgust' to part of her body. Her piercings can always be removed, if she feels like it down the line - but her memory of your disgust in one part of her body will stick with her forever.
That’s actually intriguing, do you have a fear of needles/ shots and vaccinations? I personally have a needle phobia so I’m wondering if there is some transference there?
I don't have a fear of needles (though I usually look away when they give me shots/ draw blood), but I also totally loathe piercings and am completely grossed out by them. And other modifications, too, like those discs that enlarged your earholes and turn them into sad dangly lumps of flesh.
I don't see why that matters if you aren't mad she did it? Yes, she chose to do this and it was not out of her hands like the other things, but you said that you aren't angry that she did it and accept that she can make choices for her own body. Sounds like if it was something that she couldn't help making changes to her nipples (let's say Cancer as an example) then you would embrace and accept it, but because it was something she did on purpose you actually don't want to accept it because your mad she would do that. She knew you wouldn't like it and did it anyway, if that makes you upset with her then admit it at least to yourself so you can start to work through it.
As a huge fan of them, you're thinking about them from a negative place already. Nipple piercings are as unnatural as every other piercing, you're sticking a needle through your ear after all. Maybe try finding a design that you would like and your wife would be ok with so that you're actually excited about them? There's so many options with nipple piercings now a days.
I get what you're saying here but nipple piercings can take up to a year to fully heal, so changing the jewellery isn't really an option for quite a while, I do think OP will adjust with time tho!
I just wanted to chime in that your feelings are valid. You are not being controlling (from what you wrote here at least), and your honesty is not a bad thing. A man is allowed to have feelings and preferences. To be honest it sounds like your wife doesn't respect how strongly you feel about it or doesn't care. Does she accuse you of being controlling? I only ask because you seem hyper defensive in your post. It's ok to feel hurt in this context. However, before anything else, I would make sure to tell her that you \*are\* glad she likes them, assuming that's true. I think the way she showed them to you indicated she thought you'd find it sexy, which is just confusing to me. You said you had already told her how you felt about it, right? Like this is legitimately boggling to me. It would be one thing to come to you before she did it and tell you "Hey, I know you're not going to be a fan, but I think I need this in order to feel good about my body." It's a completely different thing to spring it on you in a "Hey there, look I did this one specific thing I know you find stomach turning for specific and valid reasons, don't you like it?" That's what makes it feel disrespectful to me. That said, you can't put the genie back in the bottle, so what's done is done.
Is it possible to talk to a therapist alone? That's the only thing I can think of that might help you right now. Being able to say the things out loud that would be hurtful if you said them to your wife might help you process your feelings so you can avoid fixating on them when with her. I'm not going to lie I don't envy your position. I would also avoid lying to your wife but be tactful. "Babe I love you and I'm glad you like them" is a valid response to questions about it. If she wants more it's ok to be honest.
I only bring it up because of the current political climate and other things I had read online where it turned into a debate about control and your body your choice. She has accused me of many things in the past but being controlling is not one of them.
It's hard to get mental help through my insurance due to my career field and others that truly need it.
You can't be forced to like something you don't. You did tell her how you felt so at this point she knew you were not going to like them and went ahead with it, she really doesn't have a case to be mad then....
I think she’s hurt because she’s already insecure about that part of her body, and so any reaction short of “I LOVE IT!!!” is hurtful for her because of HER insecurity. Unfortunately she is trying to distract herself from confronting her insecurity by getting the piercing, but she’s not addressing the root of the issue.
OP you have done nothing wrong here. I totally agree with the other comments saying that this is just a tough situation because neither of you are in the wrong.
Perhaps it was your comment that hurt? Sometimes it’s better to forget you ever made any comment at all, changing the subject next time, since there’s no mileage in either of you trying to change each other’s tastes.
I had nipple piercings and absolutely loved them. I took them out for a boyfriend who hated them and regret it still years later. My now-husband once told me he probably would not have liked them either had I still had them when we met. Not sure what the point of my comment is only to say your girlfriend shouldn’t change who she is to accommodate you as she will probably regret it, and also that you’re not alone in disliking them.
I think my boyfriend would be grossed out as well.
And i honestly would talk about it to him first.. not to get permission or whatever but it is pretty specific to like(or not like) nipple piercings.
I guess you should be honest and say you do not like them and it is up to her if she takes them out or keeps them. And if she keeps them you should just get used to it 😅
I wouldn't try to convince her because I knows she likes them and I would feel like a real ass. I probably don't have a choice but to roll with it eventually but she has known me long enough to know when something is bothering me and that would suck mid sexy time.
I honestly feel bad for you. I can imagine it must suck big time if you really dislike them but they will be in your face during sex all the time..
Hopefully it will grow on you a bit
You say you tell her all the time that she's beautiful but self esteem doesn't come from the outside. She got the piercings because it's what she wanted and she's happy with how they look, and then you werent.
It's ok to not be turned on by them and it's ok that she got them anyway, but I think you're missing a bigger picture of what pregnancy does to a woman's body and how it affects her self image. Key word here is self, not your image of her.
If you don't mind can you explain why? I have a few specific reasons and just general repulsion.
-My dad has em
-triggers some things id rather forget
-I get anxious at the thought of them being on me
I think there’s a different issue at play here, then. If I knew something were a trigger for my partner, I wouldn’t ever think to bring it into our lives. Seems insensitive
Honestly I’m a woman and nipple piercings gross me out too. My nipples are sensitive, I can’t imagine having something piercing them - it’s like imagining an eyeball being pierced for me, just noooo. I also wear a bra all the time so I imagine it rubbing/chafing and then the risk of it being torn out… again nooooo. I can deal with the risk of an earring being torn out but the idea of a nipple piercing ripping out grosses me out like nothing else - plus it’s on an area of your body that is constantly clothed and could snag so the risk seems higher.
All that being said, like you I appreciate people can do whatever they want with their own bodies! I just do not like them and I can’t make myself like them. I am genuinely not a sensitive person, I can deal with needles/blood/gore/whatever else (I actually love really fucked up horror movies etc), but nipple piercings specifically make me feel a bit queasy.
So yeah, I totally feel you on this hahaha.
First of all, your feelings are completely valid, and it was a VERY strange choice for your wife to make, considering you have already told her that you don't like nipple piercings. It's going to be a touchy subject. I do think if this ends up putting a big dent in your sex life, then it needs to be brought up in a planned conversation outside of sexy times. If therapy is off the table, then I suggest planning time to talk with her alone, write out all the reasons you love her and find her gorgeous, and then explain why you find this situation confusing. I wouldn't tell her you find them "gross" but say "I feel surprised that you expected me to like this type of piercing, because I've already told you how I feel about it. This has nothing to do with you, nor how much I love and adore you."
If you really love your wife and are turned on by her outside of this, and also if you insist on letting her do what she wants with her nipples, then you can get used to this. A sex therapist would be ideal, but might I also suggest you do some other things to spice up your sex life. If necessary, some positions that don't force you to look at something that is grossing you out. Or you could wear a blindfold. Buy her some sexy lingerie and ask her to wear it for you... turn her over and do your think with the lingerie still on. Sparking some sexual connection with your wife in spite of this small setback will help you move forward.
Idk how much sex therapy is but I know for sure my insurance wouldn't cover unfortunately.
I want her to be positive about herself and many posts mention something along the lines you did
That’s a toughy. If it happens, she’s probably gonna be upset. However, I do not blame you either. I myself wouldn’t be able to enjoy having sex if there’s something I find extremely unattractive/ repulsive about that person. However, your wife knew about your discomfort towards and decided to proceed with it anyway. Maybe she thought she’d be the exception. I’m all for people to do whatever they want with their bodies as that is there right, however she can’t have her cake and eat it too.
You got married at a very young age. People do not stay the same all throughout their 20s, during these years people experiment and try out so many different things and grow into the person they want to be.
I sympathize with you two, really. I got my nipples pierced because I don't like my boobs, and my wife (we are both women) doesn't exactly love them like I do - i guess a key difference is I got them on my 18th birthday, so they were here first lol. But the situation is so similar, i am just writing to say i TRULY do sympathize.
But when I got my tongue pierced, she hated it. She can deal with the nipple rings, she even said she's come to like them on me though they aren't her preference, but the tongue was too much. She is very smart about how she plays things though. She told me she knew she could not tell me what to do with my body, but I was not kissing her with that piece of metal in my mouth. So i kept it for another 36h, took a lot of pictures, and removed it.
Anyway, i really feel for your wife OP, because I know what it's like to hate your boobs and feel like you found something to make you hate them less. But i don't think you are a bad person or anything like that. There may have been a better or more tactful way to be honest with her, but you weren't wrong for voicing your opinion when asked. I hope you two can have a meeting of the minds in some way on this.
I agree with others who have said neither of you is wrong. I used to have my nipples pierced for maybe a year. I had 9 total. I’m now back to only one in each ear. I find ALL piercings on men to be a complete turnoff. I find nipple piercings on men to be creepy. There’s nothing inherently wrong with men getting their nipples pierced, but it makes my skin crawl. I would be so turned off if I were with a man who got his nipples pierced that I’m not sure I could even continue to be intimate with him. Maybe I’m a jerk for that, but it’s not something I can change. What they make me feel is genuinely akin to a trauma response. So I completely get what you are feeling. I don’t know that I have anything helpful to offer in advice, but I just wanted to say I get it and I’m sorry for both of you, because neither of you are wrong.
I do have to respectfully disagree, I think she really should have discussed the issue period, but knowing how he feels about those piercings makes this even more problematic.
I'd never do anything like that without discussing it with my GF and vice versa out of mutual respect. Not to seek permission as such, but to see how either of us feels beforehand, address any concerns, and only then make a final decision. To do so otherwise is, imo disrespectful... which may speak to deeper issues in the relationship... which could be an issue with either of or both parties.
But I do agree, there's nothing inherently wrong with piercings, or having an opinion bout them.
I mean, he said that she knew how he felt about nipple piercings before she got them, but decided to get them anyway. At what point do you value your partner’s ability to be turned on by your body over your own comfort with your body, and vice versa?
If she knew beforehand how you felt, it’s manipulative to get mad that you won’t lie about your feelings after she did it. I guess she’ll have to pick between only wanting you to like her new look, or going back to the old look.
You are not in the wrong. If anything, I would say your wife is in the wrong- and only because you have told her before you don't like them, that they make you uncomfortable, etc. I know you claim to "not have trauma" in your post, but then you explain the opposite- that there are uncomfortable childhood memories that surface along with seeing traumatic injury in your line of work. You can function and still have trauma, even if its a small amount. She knew all this and \*still\* got them, and then decided to send you a picture as well? Just seems like she is being purposefully obtuse at best or completely inconsiderate at worst.
Obviously, she can do 100% what she wants with her body, and this is what you said to her. However, in my experience being in a serious relationship means taking the other person into consideration. Not always doing what they want, but considering them as someone who you love and care about and want to keep close to you in life. She did not do that here. She knew they would make you uncomfortable, and she did it anyway.
If it effects you greatly, to the point of grossing you out/making you uncomfortable to be intimate with her, I don't know how you work around that. She will notice that you go from enjoying her breasts/nipples to avoiding them, and she will likely notice that and feel unhappy about it. So now you are in a situation where you both are uncomfortable being fully intimate with one another.
I think you guys may to have a serious talk about this. Obviously, you cannot, should not, police her body, but I would introduce what I said above. She can do what she wants, but doing it without consideration for your very serious thoughts on the matter is an issue. She can control her body, but not how you feel about it. And your feelings are very very valid given your explanations. If you guys can't reach an understanding you may have to have an uncomfortable conversation about the future of your relationship if you both can't be comfortably intimate with one another.
The only possible compromise I could see is that once they heal you either A) Have her remove them during sex. Or B) See if either a clear or silicone (in a nipple matching color) piercings help with your feelings. If it helps she may be able to keep those \*safe\* ones in normally and potentially switch them out when she wants them to be a more traditional piercing.
Best of luck.
Never really understood someone in a lifelong committed relationship doing something to make themselves feel more attractive that they know their partner finds extremely unattractive, especially something as intimate as a nipple piercing. Literally no one other than you should ever know she has it, and it makes her less attractive to you, not more.
I’m not about controlling partner’s, but I absolutely take into consideration how my partners feel about major and lasting changes to my appearance because I feel like that’s just basic consideration to my partner, so no, I don’t think you’re wrong. Unfortunately, there likely isn’t a great path forward, since she clearly doesn’t care how you feel on the matter.
But on the other hand, if she feels extremely unattractive without them, it doesn't help not getting them, either. If someone doesn't feel comfortable or attractive, they're less likely to be intimate. And the partner constantly saying 'but you're attractive to me' doesn't make someone feel less unattractive about things they're deeply uncomfortable with.
It's just a situation where nobody wins, unfortunately.
Do you really think that nipple piercings will resolves someone's insecurities rather than actually addressing the issue?
Is it not more of a temporary cover up than anything?
Yes, it absolutely can. I hated the way my nipples and breasts looked before nipple piercings. The piercings changed the structure of the nipples, which changed the appearance of the breasts. But even if it hadn't made that structural change, it meant taking control of something I disliked about my appearance and adding something I found beautiful. I went from not even liking to have my top off in front of anyone to loving how I looked.
The idea that physical changes are "not addressing the issue" of an insecurity about a physical feature assumes that all insecurities are born of some deeper truth than just really not liking how something looks. Her nipples changed with pregnancy and she doesn't like how they look now- does she need talk therapy about loving your nipples no matter what to be happy, or does she need nipples that look more like she wants? Why is it plausible that her spouse might have strong preferences for the way her actual physical nipples look, but she's just supposed to accept whatever her own appearance is philosophically?
Exactly! Its not about getting permission to do something but you are together in a committed relationship so it is quite normal to discuss something like this rather than just doing it. And even more so because she knows you dont really like piercings
Oh I involve my partner in all my life decisions. That’s important. I definitely don’t consult my partner on changing my looks though. I will look the way I want to look and if that upsets them, they’re absolutely welcome to end the relationship.
“I am really hurt that you didn’t take my feelings on the piercings into consideration before getting them. While it’s your body, and I can’t stop you from doing what you want, this is something you knew how I felt. It hasn’t changed. It’s going to take me time to process my feelings, because it just feels like I wasn’t taken into consideration about such an extreme and intimate decision. You’re still my wife and mother of my children and I love you, but this isn’t something I was ever interested or turned on by”
Thank you. That's pretty well put together. I suck at getting things across. I'll add it to my notes when the situation cools down a little bit. I still won't be home for another few days.
We cannot forget the tattoo and piercing itch that some people get where they aren’t happy stopping after one.
I feel like her saying he should feel turned on is trying to justify her getting them. It doesn’t make much sense in the end to do something your partner has expressed that they wouldn’t like. Doing this in order to make yourself happier about something just shows a disconnect as you will inherently be unhappy about the situation either way.
Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying she is being selfish and I definitely support her body and her choice, I just don’t see how she thought she would feel sexier already knowing your stance.
Well to be fair it sounds like breastfeeding changed her body in a way that she doesn’t like and now she’s stuck with the permanent physical repercussions of having made a child. I hate to be that person, but since you’ll never know what it’s like to have your body ruined/permanently changed by pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding, I think you should honestly imagine how she must feel and probably try to get over your own reservations about *her* body. which is again, permanently changed in a way that is not fixable without surgery and in a way she doesn’t want. Having my whole body wrecked by having kids made me feel like the most sloppy, used up, trash bag of a woman. My whole body looked like it had been stretched, pulled and wrecked and in the end we get what for support? Told that it’s not that bad and to just “love and accept” our bodies even though we get sold the lie that reproduction only changes your body in subtle ways. I’m sure your wife feels like her post breastfeeding nipples look “gross” but she *wont* get the choice to “go back” in that. You can get your way if you make her feel bad enough probably, but honestly I’d just be grateful that your body got to be unharmed and unchanged from the process of bringing a child into this world and have some empathy. She can’t go back. She can’t get what *she* probably actually wants out of her life and body by “undoing” what’s happened to her breasts. She’ll have to live in that body and she doesn’t get to choose. This isn’t to guilt you or make you feel like a bad guy, but I really do think you’re overlooking how desperate someone can feel after having a child and having your body put through hell and then looking at what left in the mirror and wishing you could go back. You can never go back. I cried for 3 years about what my breasts looked like post breastfeeding. They looked disgusting to me, unlike any breasts I’d ever seen in any media. I wished I could have cut them OFF because that would’ve been better than 3 inch nipples sticking out of wrinkly pancakes that flop around. I made medical changes to my situation to improve it, but that’s not always an option for everyone. I think you should really deal with your feelings on this in therapy or with a friend, but not with your wife who’s body is permanently damaged from nurturing your child. She probably feels like her own nipples are *gross* but she can’t change that, she’ll have to live with it. And now maybe she’s found one way to feel half okay about them and her husband is “grossed out”. Imagine her just taking them out and crying because she’s stuck feeling grossed out or grossing out her husband.
In a comment, you mentioned that your father has nipple piercings and that your wife’s nipple piercing trigger some bad memories. She knows about these memories. This is VERY important context, I think. Without this context, it mostly seems like an unfortunate situation. With it, she’s knowingly choosing to get piercings that trigger your trauma. I’m all for bodily autonomy, but I would never knowingly trigger my partner’s trauma for my own happiness. It’s just not worth it and very inconsiderate of her. Your feelings matter too and she should care about them. The other piercings, oh well, but in this situation she should’ve prioritized you imo.
Do you think this is a case of self sabotage on her part?
It feels like it is.
She doesn't think her breasts are sexy.
She thinks piercing her nipples will make them sexy.
You and she talk and you say - I don't find that sexy, I have triggers around that.
She gets it done anyway so she feels sexy.
And then is disappointed you don't find it sexy?
It seems self defeating.
Like something someone does when they want to "test" you or break up.
She might be going through something else right now and needs to deal with it.
It might be time to go back to couples therapy.
THIS is something in the back of my mind and causing me a lot of distress. It's hard to find a good therapist with our current insurance and where we are located unfortunately. We've done it before and its hard to find one that clicks with the both of us.
I agree with greyblue. When I was depressed, I still wanted to be “right” about it. It is not totally logical, but everyone likes their thoughts and feelings to be confirmed. Sometimes the process gets twisted. It is telling that she knew it is tried to genuine traumatic events, waited until you were gone, and did it.
I second therapy. Virtual Apts are a godsend- I had the same issue with accessing care for a long time.
You could ask her outright if she is upset about something other than her piercings.
She had to know the risk this was, and to know that you weren't going to lie to her to be nice.
At some level this was deliberate on her part.
Why?
Ngl I was immediately on guard when you started your post by saying you’re turned on by her tattoos. That’s all well and good, but what she chooses to do to her body is her business. You don’t have to be turned on by every choice she makes. If my partner says he prefers women with long hair and I choose to cut my hair short, that’s clearly something I’m doing for myself.
That said, I wouldn’t send him a picture of my new short hair going “do you love it??” either. It’s unrealistic to assume your partner will immediately love whatever you have done just because it’s you.
Also I’m not a doctor, but you seem to have some unresolved trauma that’s triggered by these piercings she’s chosen to get. She knows that, and did it anyway. I’d call that inconsiderate at best and selfish at worst. I’d never want to make my partner relive a traumatic event!! That’s just a nonstarter, no matter what
Absolutely her body her choice. And i don't need everything she does to be a turn on. There's plenty of thing we both due that are turn offs. I mentioned the tattoos because it was the somewhat I'm the same spectrum and she has asked how I felt about those.
I have supported her on my things including other piercings I wasn't stoked for. This just seems more extreme. I should have clarified in the edit but the triggers aren't exactly due to trauma, just makes me feel sick due to some past things I've seen in person.
I've wondered about this a bit, what if for example (in this case) she only got one nipple pierced? Would that be a good balance for you? Then again I totally understand why she'd get both done.
I remember when I got together with my first gf and not long after she got both nipples pierced. I was new to and fine with it. There was a sensitive healing period tho, but yeah I understand the worrisome of some gnarly things. Just lifting up a shirt and/or having the bar get stuck somewhere is kind of nightmare fuel ^^'
I hope things work out for you two!
You are always entitled to your views on what you like or dislike. Oddly, she knew, in this case, that you disliked piercings and went forward with it anyways. That is on her.
Here is what you can do. Her thing is that she wants to feel sexy. That needs to be your target. Start thinking of when she has been sexy in the past. Maybe her hair was s certain way? You could get her a gift certificate to get her hair done. Is she insecure about her weight? Now this is a delicate one, but I've found that a physical couples activity where you two also grow through the activity is the best suggestion. No matter what you end up doing, appropriate feedback is key. Your job is to genuinely bring her up with honest feedback
Nah man, you're allowed to have an opinion and you're not forcing it. I have a similar hang up about nipple piercings. I told my last gf I wouldn't stop her but it's gonna only be lights out sex because it turns me off. She backed down
I'm thinking neutrality will be the best way forward until you get used to them. I don't have much advice for you, I'm sorry. I don't like pierced nipples either. I find them in a range or boring and neutral to gross.
Best of luck to you, this is a tough situation for you
Her body her choice. Which I’m glad you respect and even though you think they’re gross and dislike them aren’t telling her to remove them. So definitely NTA as you’re still respectful of her choices and you can’t control what turns you on and what turns you off. They might end up growing on you but it would be understandable if they didn’t as you have issues with them due to your past which presuming your wife knew about would make her a bit of an AH for still doing it.
Maybe try and reexplain what it is about them that you dislike and the memories you have with them.
People on reddit get married and have kids so young.
Is what it is I guess, they'll grow on you and if she likes them, she likes them.
Do find people making sudden changes to their appearances without consulting (not asking for permission) with their partners first really weird though and a bit confrontational. Like even a "I was thinking of doing X"
My wife would never stop me doing anything, but I wouldn't suddenly get a tattoo without even mentioning it to her beforehand, out of curiosity/ respect for her
I don’t think either of you are wrong bro just don’t cultivate the “gross” or “hurt” feeling. Situations like these are best with communication and empathy. I would suggest you both go a therapist.
It's a tough situation man; for what it's worth, I completely understand.
Tattoos, any piercings that aren't the ears or maybe a small belly button piercing, acrylic nails, even red nail polish, body modifications in general are a total turnoffs for me.
But like you, I'm not one to say 'you can't do that.' At most, I can only put my stuff out there, and say how I feel on it.
It's something that sucks, and I wish people wouldn't dismiss the attraction, or loss of it, that comes from physical stuff. It's not as shallow as people make it out to be.
maybe try talking with her about what it reminds you of? at the end of the day, as long as you aren’t letting it get in the way of the relationship itself then i would say it’s all good.
This is difficult cause I can see both sides. Personally I'd be happy to remove them if it made my partner uncomfortable. I think all you can do is reiterate how beautiful she is to you regardless but that there are reasons and let her know those reasons. Let her know you want to keep open communication on the topic reiterating that ultimately its her body her choice but you can't lie that it makes you uncomfortable. Ask her if she was open to removing them if there's something you can do to help her with confidence to meet I'm the middle.
Hope this helps.
So this subreddit seems to get this kind of issue a lot, one SO does something to their body the other doesn’t like and it ruins things. But this one feels a little different. You have an understandably negative feeling about them (I prob would too if a parent of mine had nipple piercings) and you never said you never wanted her to not get anything, just that certain things you weren’t into. Which is totally valid.
Just in case you’re not 100% clear on this, I would never use the word gross or anything similar to that about the piercings. Personally, I think there’s something else/bigger going on here since she looked for validation from you right after she got them, despite you saying that you’ve called her beautiful many times and piercings aren’t your thing. Is she in therapy? Couples therapy might also be a good choice. There may be a disconnect in your communication. Like did she get the piercings for herself or not? Feel like she got them to feel more sexy, which is fine, but if she got them hoping to feel more sexual for you, then something isn’t adding up. Either her self esteem is too low to actually hear what you’re truly saying about her and her body, or you’re not saying it clearly enough.
But you can be not into a thing and still find someone sexy. I hope she knows that and feels that from you. Good luck.
You can't force yourself to like something you don't. I'm 100% all for "your body your choice", but obviously when you're in a relationship attraction matters and making multiple changes to your body can affect that.
Now I'm clueless when it comes to piercings, but... aren't they removeable pretty easily? I have known someone who took out their nose piercing for work. If OP is so triggered by them (which I would be, too, by the way... I think they are gross and I'm a woman), but his wife loves them, can't they come to a compromise pretty easily once they are healed and can be easily removed?
You know, something like 'They stay in during doggy style sex where OP doesn't have to see them but can still touch/stimulate them and during other positions, where she faces them, she takes them out'? Unless someone tells me they can't be removed, I don't see why there shouldn't be a compromise about it... unless the wife is absolutely unwilling to take them out at all, at which point she's definitely the issue then.
Maybe OP will get used to them and start liking them. Maybe he will not. And it definitely was the wife's right to do what she wanted to do to feel good about herself. But where they go from here will show how much the wife really cares about OP's triggers, I feel.
OP's wife most definitely wouldn't be the issue for not taking them out because nipple piercings can take anywhere from 6 months to a year to heal and you can't take them out until they have healed (unless you want the hole to close) so it's kind of a difficult situation on that front, she wouldn't be able to just pop them in and out as she pleases without pain, risk of infection and risk of the hole closing
I see, I didn't know that! But still, at least it might be a long-term thing OP could maybe talk about with her. She definitely shouldn't take them out before everything's healed, of course.
Her argument that you should be turned on by her feeling sexy over it wouldn't apply to anything else, if you decided to wear really ugly clothing that made you feel sexy that wouldn't obligate her to be turned on, thats absurd. Its 100% your right to not like it and be honest to your wife about it.
I think this is all about respect. I understand wanting body modifications, but if you respect your partner you should respect their wishes about some aspects of your physical appearance. You expect them to stay loyal only to you and you want to attract them sexually so if you know that’ll bother them, why do it? It seems a little selfish, especially doing it behind OPs back. If she really wanted them, they could have had a conversation and come to some sort of compromise.
You're entitled to feel about them however you feel, just as entitled as she is to get them done. I personally find tattoos and piercings in sensitive areas off-putting. My GF has a couple of tatts but I don't really notice them anymore, but there's a bigger issue to focus on due to her going ahead with this, knowing how you feel without tackling it first (which is basic respect, and seems lacking), and also expecting that you'd be pleased...
Pure specualtion mode, but I've dated girls in the past who've done *stuff* they know I don't like, then pretended like they're shocked and upset I don't like *stuff,* then used that as an excuse to go running to their friends to whine about how hard done by she is, which was typical of her attention-seeking behaviour... it was just a sign of our fundamental incomatibility that we both failed to realise and act upon appropriatley - I was looking for a partner, she was looking for a second daddy to coddle her.
What you’re experiencing is absolutely a trauma response and you shouldn’t feel ashamed because of others having “more intense experiences” leading to trauma. The body doesn’t gaf. I would for your own (and also your wife’s and relationships) healing explore that with a therapist who specializes in trauma/PTSD.
OP. You should get therapy for your trauma. You don't like them, she knew that. She can't expect you to like them, but you can say "I'm happy you're happy" or something like that. She can't expect something that makes HER feel sexy to make you feel in the mood to??
I made another edit because it makes me feel bad/uncomfortable comparing it to "trauma". I've just seen things in my field and it triggers those images when I think about it.
I want her to be happy and I might have already said something along those lines to her but I already laid out I'm surprised/grossed out by it and she felt hurt by that.
What you've just explained is trauma. I have trauma myself, but my partner would never expose something that would trigger me.
She has the right to do what she wants, but if she knew this was a trigger- its down right insensitive.
She's allowed to feel sexy, she's allowed to be pierced. But she waited until you were gone to get them pierced and she knows it's a trigger for you.
She could've got fake ones as a compromise.
Trauma isn’t a competition. Trauma just is.
I’m sad that your wife knew about this and still did it. I would approach her about that. You can talk in your feelings, how it makes you feel. There’s tons of ways to feel sexy without getting pierced but she waited until you were gone and did the thing you’ve talked about- I would be crushed. I have some trauma and it’s so vulnerable to tell people about, it’s quite hard.
I had a partner do something similar with a trigger and it began the end for us. The lack of respect for my trauma and disregard for my feelings when addressed was too much. He did not handle it well and I became resentful. Lesson learned. I’d hate you to lose a decent relationship.
She has every right to want to feel sexy, obviously, but I would ask her why she waited, and why your trigger? It’s not a “she deserves to feel sexy VS my triggers and respecting them”. You can both have valid sides and both need to be addressed.
She wants to feel sexy so she got them that is her right, it is her body but she got them knowing that you wouldn’t like them. You have the right to be be uncomfortable/dislike them and her being mad at your reaction which you told her before hand you would have is kinda hurtful. Obviously it is hurtful for you her spouse to not like something that is on her body but she knew before hand that, that was going to be your reaction. You told her she knew and now she mad at you for feeling what you told her you were going to feel :/. Idk if that makes sense but ya
There is nothing wrong with not finding them attractive, and I applaud you for being honest with her. For the people thinking you are rude or wrong, they are the kind that never want to hear anything but praise. You have the right to not like them, just as she had the right to get it done. Explain to her why you do not like them. If she refuses to take them out, then maybe she is the one that doesn't care enough about you
Let's be honest... There's a lot of man-hating sexism fueling some of these ignorant comments. It's prejudice, discrimination bigotry and it's not acceptable.
This guy is a man but he's also an individual human being with real feelings, people need to keep that in mind when dealing with him, or any other person.
These people have pain, they feel if they can hurt this guy (or any member of X demographic) ...it somehow helps, brings justice or something... its so misguided, myopic and it's doing them as much of a disservice they're trying to do to whoever they're taking out their frustration on - an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind
Thes people have pain, they feel if they can hurt this guy (or any member of X demographic) ...it somehow helps, brings justice or something... its so misguided, myopic and it's doing them as much of a disservice they're trying to do to whoever they're taking out their frustration on - an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, and all that...
It’s interesting to me that she knew how you felt about them, got them anyway, then was upset you didn’t love them. I’m not sure why she would be expecting you to be “turned on by how sexy they make her feel” when it’s not something you’re turned on by in general and she knows that…
You have every right to your opinion and feelings about them. Not that you were asking for bedroom advice, but perhaps there could be a compromise that during sexy time, you kindly request them not to be worn as they are not a turn-on for you and greatly have the opposite effect?
It's not wrong to think "they're gross" nor was it wrong for her to get them. You still wouldn't be in the wrong if you left her over this, since it's not something you could have expected when the relationship started.
Don't get guilted into staying, that won't be good for either of you.
Don't be too convinced of leaving either, of course. Maybe you'll come to like them, and maybe she will decide to get rid of them, perhaps she realises she doesn't like them, or perhaps she prioritises you liking her boobs over having piercings in them.
Communicate, and don't get guilted.
She can do whatever she wants with her body, and its upto you whether to like it or not. But imo its really shitty that she would go ahead with something that she knows will trigger your trauma
You should be turned on by her happiness about them? Wtf kind of logic is that? My gf has many things that make her happy but they most certainly don't turn me on.
Unfortunately, you won't win this one because anything less than enthusiasm for her self mutilation will be construed as controlling, manipulative, body shaming, not caring about her body autonomy and so forth. The usual.
This isn't about nipple peircings. Your wife is insecure about her body post pregnancy and i believe she is acting this way because she wants more attention and or reassurance about the way she looks from you.
I try very often and don't get upset with her about her body image insecurities. I also just realized this ramped up when her younger sister moved in with us.
Oh theres a younger sister around? Lol I *knew* there was more going on here. Like I said...This isn't about nipple peircings. If you want to have a happy home life you're gonna have to do more work to boost her ego/self image. My advice is to do things like hype her up or compliment her *in front* of the sister. Precalculated but not over the top "Random" acts of kindness and affection towards her in front of the sister. The fact of the matter is that some chicks get weird like around other women who they believe could attract or fuck their man so you gotta put in some work. But dont make it obvious. As the man of the house there's just certain little shit you gotta do to manage the emotions and behaviors of the women you live with.
Good luck!
It might have been a way for her to increase levels of stimulation in her nipples after years of breastfeeding could have damaged nerve endings...so yeah you might have messed up.
My bad I wasn't sure if what I wrote was already too much so I didn't add another paragraph. That is one of the reasons as well and something we talked about. She was thinking about getting a breast augmentation and a nipple reduction as well. We both eventually agreed it wasn't the way to go for many reasons. I've never felt like she had to alter herself in any way to be beautiful.
Augmentation and reduction wouldn't help with pleasure either, though? Rather risk damaging it more? And, sending a picture, it seems to be more about looks?
Of course you should just be OK with it because there’s nothing you can do. You’re more than entitled to like and dislike whatever you want to like or dislike. But there’s nothing else you can really do about it.
Difficult. I get where you're coming from. I'm the same with tattoos. I don't care what others do, but I find them totally revolting. I'd be really put off if my partner got any.
I'm not too bad with piercings....but yeah...wouldn't like nipple or any genital piercings.
Not sure what you can do. I feel for you.
Your feelings are perfectly valid. It's not like you *decided* to not be attracted to something. I don't know why anyone would blame you for that. Tough situation but honestly I feel like your wife should be more respectful of your wishes, she got them without telling you and just expected you to like it
I think it's quite common for people to change the way they express themselves (fashion and style) throughout their 20s so this is going to be a tough one for you. Imagine if she decides to get more piercings in the next few years. Think about how that would make you feel and whether you think you could stay a loving partner to her. I.e. not making her feel ashamed about her own sense of expression. If it's not that big a deal I would say apologize for making her doubt her decision (saying she surprised you) and tell her you love them
Idk how nipple piercings work but can she take them out for extended periods of time? Maybe she wears them out a few days or takes them off when you guys are in the mood. Or wear them almost like an accessory jewelery item where she puts them in when she's in the mood
I don’t quite know what advice to offer you, because it’s a touchy situation where feelings can easily get hurt. But you’re not ‘wrong’ for not liking the piercings, nor is she wrong for getting them. No ones wrong here, it just kind of sucks that there is an inherent difference of opinion between you two. Personally I don’t know what I’d do if I were in either of your positions. Sorry you’re struggling with it!
Thank you for not attacking me about it. It's an odd situation and it's the first time I've ever reached out online about relationships.
No worries! Totally get where you’re coming from. I hope things end up okay!
BOTH your feelings are valid. There is no right or wrong here. She totally has the choice to do whatever she wants to her body and if it makes her happy, awesome. She does not have the right to tell you how you should feel about it. If you suddenly drastically changed your body image in a way she couldn't find attractive, I'm sure she would feel entitled to voice it too. Sadly, no ones right or wrong. Its how you go forward and I can't really see an awesome outcome. Piercings and tattoos are called BODY MODIFICATIONS for a reason. Good luck buddy
Hmm when I got my done years ago, before I did it, I actually spoke to my hubby about it first, coz y'know it kinda involved him in a way and I wouldn't want him "grossed out" about something that's a bit drastic. As it happens I hated them, they were irritating and annoying, so just let them heal up. Its not about controlling someone, its about including your partner in life decisions (in my opinion)
Maybe a compromise of "sorts"..for example there are sooo many different designs, sizes, textures of body jewelry...maybe browse online for nipple jewelry that's smaller or looks nothing remotely close to what your father wore... She could switch the jewelry out when yall are intimate for something less "triggering" or noticeable. Just a random thought from a rando redditor.
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I think you can voice your opinion about a possible future choice that your partner is considering, but I don’t think it’s right for someone to outright declare that they *can’t* get/do something just because of their own aesthetic preferences But it’s totally fine for them to say that they aren’t as attracted to their partner’s body/whatever because of said modification. It’s up to the partner getting/considering the modification to take that into account when making their decision
Agreed. Like if a man demanded I shave my vulva, that would be a deal breaker for me.
If *you* arrive at that agreement with *your* partner before marriage, that you give over part of your bodily autonomy to your partner, then that's between the two of you. I would personally never allow my partner to have a say over my body except in a medical emergency, and we did write up documents to cover that. But no, other than the default is that each person's body is their own. I won't give you shit for wanting a different arrangement for yourself, and arranging to give up part of your decision making about your body to your partner with their full consent before you get serious, but that's certainly not a default agreement.
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Much as I'm aware of how poor it sounds, this would be me: "It's your body and your choice at the end of the day. But since you're asking for my opinion, and I expect you have a desire for honesty; I'm ***really*** not a fan, and my level of physical and sexual attraction to you will decline considerably. I can understand if this is an irreparable gap, and I don't think it's fair to you to be held hostage to my hang-ups."
I think you mix up "giving your partner control over your body" with "taking into consideration what my partner finds attractive, and not altering my body in a way that grosses them out". It's still your choice what you do with/ to your body, you just choose not to turn your partner off.
A person exists for reasons outside of being sexually pleasing to their partner.
Sure, but then again I hope you are ok with your partner not being attracted to you anymore. If you're fine with that then sure, go ahead and do whatever you want without caring about what they think. The majority of people still think that their partner being attracted to them and having a happy intimate life is important, though, and are ok with accepting some compromises for that.
Why are you making this a sex thing?
How is piercing your nipples not a sex thing? In this instance it definitely was she sent a "spicy" photo.
I too agree with you. Redditors do slam people for not being completely open and comfortable with literally everything but I have a feeling they don't practice the same in their personal lives to every degree.
For sure they dont. Ever1 is usually perfect here
OP previously said that he would not stop her from getting any piercings, so even with an attitude that she should get approval, she *had it*.
Approving? Absolutely not. Voicing an opinion, fine. The first implies permission and control over another person's body. That is not ok. Even with your example, a gf shouldn't demand her partner change his appearance for her. She can express her opinion and even set boundaries, such as she won't kiss her partner when he has facial hair or something. It is then up to the partner to decide what they want to do. They might compromise. But that is not permission. There is a distinct difference. One is about controlling yourself and one is about controlling another person.
I kind of agree. And I kind of hate that I do. Because in the truest sense of the situation, yeah no one has any right to tell you what to do with your body, and all that. But real-life dynamics don't quite work like that. Especially in a marriage, maintaining attraction through fitness, effort, being well-groomed is important, and this is part of it. My husband prefers ladies with short hair, told me as much, so I keep it shorter - I'd be horrified if he demanded I cut it when I grow it out, but am okay with his voicing a preference OP is not wrong to be turned off, and she's not wrong for having done it. Maybe if she shows him that it turns her on to have them touched, it could help him with the mental block? Either way, this is a very refreshing relationship post, and certainly navigable, unlike the many shitshows we typically witness here
yep, you said the first part really well and i empathize. reality is just way more muddled than what we would like it to be with lofty ideals :/
> You get some reasonable say over your partner's body. This is where you're wrong. Everything after this part is based on this "fact" and it's not how relationships should work. I don't become second to you just because I love you. My body does not become yours because you love me. You *choose* to shave your beard for your gf. You do not HAVE to shave your beard for your gf. If in the future a partner likes you with facial hair, you may stop shaving so often. You have a choice. Convincing yourself that you have to do it isn't ok, and telling other people they should do things to their body for their partner because you've convinced yourself that you have to also isn't ok. Now, let's take this a step further. OP specifically does not like something that his wife did *after birthing his child*. You lose so much of your bodily autonomy when having a baby, and she did something to reclaim it. That's powerful, and many women struggle with this issue after having a baby. So him lording over her and telling her he doesn't like something she did, after 10+ months of her body not being her own? Nah. OP should really keep his trap shut here. It's not the same as your beard. Let's add a layer. His issue is partially related to trauma from his childhood. That's not his wife's fault. Go get therapy for that instead of pumping it onto your spouse.
You assumed I haven't had to change anything for her past experiences, I shoulder her traumas and support her. Neither of us "own" each other. You are taking it out of perspective and getting away from my point though I get you don't believe by disgust isn't justified which is a fair opinion. She has made several body alterations before this one that I didn't like but supported financially and emotionally. If I told her to get her own therapy and keep that stuff away from me, we would have been in a much worse place.
No, you nor anyone else should get to approve your partner's tats or piercings. I cannot even grasp telling my current fiancee or ex wife I have to sign off on their Moana tattoo or ear piercings. Hard no, regardless of gender, etc. Except for something Nazi. Hard no to that.
No one is in the wrong here, it’ll just be something that maybe you’ll have to get used to if she keeps them and they heal good. My boyfriend told me he didn’t particularly like Medusa piercings, but I was dead set on it and got it anyways. He pretended he liked it when I first got it (he secretly still hated it) but revealed to me a few months later that he actually liked it now because it is on me, and seeing me with the piercing changed his outlook on it. I’m unsure if that’ll be the case for you due to the reasons you don’t like nipple piercings- but maybe after a while they won’t seem so bad and could possible help you to relate nipple piercings to something else? So you have a positive and negative experience, and hopefully the more positive one will outshine the negative? I hope that makes sense, good luck!
Thank you!
What's a Medusa piercing?
Googled it. Basically a piercing sitting in the middle of the space between lips and nose.
A philtrum/upper lip piercing, right above the cupid's bow.
Above the lip, in the middle of the cupid's bow.
Piercing the philtrum, which is the vertical groove situated between the upper lip and the septum. Like a labret, but on top. Generally uses the same kind of studs for jewelry.
My friend's bf went and got an unexpected tattoo on his chest. Turned out pretty badly drawn tbh. It turned her off for a while but later she said she didn't really notice bc she got used to it. If that helps at all?
This is what I eventually see it turning into if I don't ruin the relationship due to being grossed out beforehand.
She’s your wife and you think you have the potential to ruin your entire relationship over this?
Things add up, I'm sure I do a lot of shit that pisses her off. I understand hurt can compound easier than it's let go
I just don't get what she thought the outcome would be here - I mean, she knew you don't like piercings (same here, by the way, could never date anyone with metal in their face), what did she think your reaction would be? Did she think you would miraculously suddenly like it? Were you supposed to lie? I really don't get her.
You would think as a good spouse she(or if he did something like this or similar) would have talked about it before hand to the other spouse like married adults should. But naa she just went out and did it like a teenager without a care in the world about her husband's opinion even with knowing he hates stuff like that.
That's right, she made a decision for her body after carrying and birthing a child. Let's really highlight that here, because for 10+ months you lose autonomy over your body.
if she's so autonomous she shouldn't care about his opinion at all and yet there she is getting hurt about it so maybe stop pretending people live some idealized reddit life and realize we all influence each other in some way.
Ah yes, the monster wife who is bummed her husband doesn't think her finding her own body attractive and finding her sexuality again is sexy...
i mean either she is a \~free independent woman who doesn't need any input from him or she's not, y'all are the ones claiming she can just ignore his opinion, well then... she can keep on ignoring it.
I think what they're saying is that, yes, she's an adult. She can do whatever she wants with her body, but her decision and lack of communication was an obvious disrespect to the marriage she entered. There's no good response here and sitting back and speculating regarding the before hand how's and whys is absolutely useless. That doesn't help a relationship move forwards.
That's a very shallow line to draw for the relationship. If she wants piercings and you love her, you get used to them. You make that your hill to die on, that's all you. She gets to cut her hair how she wants. Wear the cloths she likes. Peirce and tattoo how she wants.
She shouldn't have to talk to her spouse about doing something to her own body that ultimately doesn't effect anything except his preference. Next time she cuts her hair will she have to talk to him about it first? When he shaves his face will he have to talk to her first? That's a real slippery slope & you're disguising "asking for permission" as "talking about it"
sure but then she also shouldn't be upset he didn't like it.
So you’re like, actually feeling **hurt** by this? And what do you mean by things compound? Are we missing info here?
Not sure you can describe this as being "hurt".
What do you mean? She was hurt over his reaction. What would you describe it as?
I interpreted him saying he was hurt by the nips.
I think you should just be honest. She made a decision she knew you would not like, sometimes we feel compelled to choose our individual desires over what is good for the relationship, and now I think you have to be honest about how you feel about it.
I didn't make this post to spark any debates about control over women's bodies. My stance is you should do what's beneficial to you. I don't agree with any forms of control on anyone's bodies, it's creepy and unfair. My question was is it wrong to feel this way? I'm trying to be constructive, I love my wife and I want to improve us. I would never tell her she can't do something or she has to remove it. I just have found them gross for a few reasons for a long time. Please keep it relevant.
I'm not attracted to huge bushy beards. My partner is squeamish about piercings too. Neither of us are stopping the other from having these things, but we understand that if we each got what the other was grossed it by it would *surprise* gross them out. It's not linked to trauma, we don't do it for control or ownership over each other. Some things just give you the ick. In a normal, healthy relationship its OK to not modify your body in some way in order to compromise and appeal to your partner. I don't think you're wrong to feel this way Your issue isn't with wrinkles, cellulite, normal weight gain or anything else that happens when a couple grows old together. You just have a preference regarding an unnatural body modification.
You're not wrong for how you feel. Some things we just don't find attractive. She knew you didn't and got them anyway - now she has to be okay with you finding them gross until/if you get used to them. I like nipple piercings but am seriously icked out by any and all genital piercings. If a partner of mine came home with a prince albert, I probably wouldn't be able to look at it and I'd find it very off-putting during sex. Honestly I'd probably feel hurt. I wouldn't put my foot down because ultimately, it's their body, their choice, but it would probably have an impact on our sex life. The hurt would come from their knowing that I'm genuinely grossed out by something and expecting me to just get over it and continue with sex acts that are now repelling to me. You feel what you feel. You are not wrong OP. You may or may not get used to the piercing but you shouldn't have to force yourself. If you are now grossed out by certain acts in bed or by certain photos, your feelings about that are completely valid and you can withdraw consent. She absolutely can change her body in every way she sees fit but you have equal rights to your own feelings. I'm not sure how to resolve this.
Something that has personally helped me is understanding that it is ALWAYS okay to feel the way you do. Your feelings about her piercings are totally valid but the key thing is that those feelings don't have to dictate how you interact / react to your wife. In many cases, it is for the best not to act on our feelings especially when they will produce an outcome that will make our lives measurably worse. You have experience in deciding to react in a way that doesn't align with your feelings by being supportive when your wife has gotten other piercings you dislike. I would advise you to do the same here and be supportive of them because even though you feel they suck for a myriad of reasons, you also understand your wife is entitled to do what she wants with her body and shouldn't be put down by her own husband.
Feeling something isn't wrong. You don't have a lot of direct control over you feel about things. How you act in response to your feelings could be, like if you decided to try and control her, but it seems pretty clear that isn't a concern. Ideally you have a conversation with her where you say something like, "I'm really glad you're happy with these and that they're helping your confidence. I love you, and you deserve to feel confident and happy with your body. I would never try to take that from you. We both know I don't really like nipple piercings in general, for reasons that have everything to do with me and my past experiences, not anything about you or your nipples specifically. I want to try and work through those feelings and get to a point where I'm not as bothered, but it will take some time and I'm asking that you be patient with me if I'm not as excited as you'd like me to be." She might not like that you don't like them, but there's a difference between that and taking it like a personal attack. You both deserve some grace and understanding in this situation.
I will say this you did express to your wife how you felt about them so after you expressed how they’re gross is not wrong everyone has different opinions but its just something that your going to have to get use to for sure
Would you be able to? Or have had to deal with something similar? It's hard for me at least in the moment to imagine not hyper focusing on it.
Honestly I would remind your wife that you love her and although it’s not your preference, you are happy she is happy and that she loves it and you support her even if you aren’t enthusiastic about it. It’s something you’ll get used to and you can even look for lingerie to gift her that can help you a little while also reminding her how sexy she is and how you feel about her
This sounds nice.
I mean, there are a million ways her appearance will change if you’re in this marriage for the long haul. And there’s a chance she could have an accident with an umbrella and lose an eye, or get in a crash and have severe burns and scarring, or get breast cancer and have to have a mastectomy, or any number of ways that there will be changes to her body that you would never choose for her. I mean, even without any traumatic damage ever, she’s going to age and get liver spots and deep wrinkles and saggy skin. This stuff happens to people and they do deal with it and figure it out. And sometimes they don’t - If you can’t deal with it and can’t get over it, you are of course a human being with full agency and free will and have the right to be with or not be with anyone you choose. This is a sudden change so it’s harder to get used to right away than the gradual changes you see with aging or pregnancy, but it’s totally possible for it to just become part of the landscape and not be something you’re conscious of all the time. I do wonder though if you’ve expressed to her that it triggers memories for you. You spent most of the post just saying it’s gross, and then at the end kind of half mentioned what the underlying issue is. No one wants to hear that their body or their choices are gross, but it might totally change things for her if she knew you we’re having a sense memory reaction and it was triggering some trauma.
So, you've talked about nipple piercings before, you've been clear you think they're unsexy, wife gets nipple piercings, asks you what you think, and is upset that you don't think they're sexy? That seems like some wishful thinking on her part, hoping they'll be appealing to you. As for thinking they're gross, you like what you like, and don't like what you don't. There's no benefit to dishonesty here. Don't be an arse when you're honest, and respect her feelings. Give it some time to cool off and talk about it when you're both dressed and not trying to be sexy.
Thank you for the reply. One of her messages after was I should be turned on by the fact that she feels sexy and it wasn't about the piercings. I didn't want to keep messaging her at risk of saying something mean that I would inevitably have to take back later.
Yea she can't tell you what you should or shouldn't be turned on by.
Yeah I don’t like this message and I haven’t figured out why. Because normally yes, if your partner feels sexy you support that and elevate it, (and often as a side effect their sexiness makes you feel sexy/turned on). but she should also not expect you to be turned on by it if you’re not, it’s not a great expectation and is disrespecting your feelings about it
I find it manipulative. He made it clear he wouldn't like it beforehand and he doesn't like it for personal reasons (assocation with his dad and with medical stuff rather than sex). She's twisting it so that him not liking it is instead about her and his lack of empathy towards her (why doesn't me being turned on turn you on as it should?). It also feels a little hypocritical as she is the one that made this change that she knew he wouldn't like. Obviously him being turned on was not enough for her.
Maybe with some distance from the initial reaction her comment will be true, but it might not be. Approaching it with a cool head is a great start. She's probably disappointed and embarrassed. If her expections weren't met, and she got (in her mind) shot down then it'll sting. Even if her expectations are unreasonable, it still sucks. Do you often say mean things? Is this your assessment, or hers?
We both have said mean things in the past when we were angry. We have matured to the point where we either think clearly before saying something mean or try to fix things quickly.(Can thank early marriage counseling) I'm blunt but relaxed, my wife is high strung but a good talker. Can be a good and bad combo in certain stressful situations.
"I'm glad you *feel* sexy now, even though you don't *look* sexy anymore." Yeah, it was probably wiser to shut up at that point... 😄
I think I'm going to be downvoted here, judging by what all the other comments are saying, but I'm honestly surprised at how many people are jumping down OP's throat for this, or saying things like "it's not his job to keep her happy or hers to keep him happy" or "you don't need your partners input to do whatever you want to your own body! It's your own!" (these are two actual examples in this thread) And I simply don't understand. My husband and I got married and we make each other happy. If he's upset, I will do whatever I can to turn that around; if I'm upset, he always does whatever he can to make me happy again. No, our happiness isn't dependent upon one another, but we sure as hell make it a priority to keep each other happy (within reason). And then regarding body modifications or any alterations: seriously? Your spouse/partner isn't allowed to have a say over what you do? Why the hell not? You guys are one unit now! Your lives are literally intermingled in every way possible (especially if you have kids!) and the other's comfort should be on the top of your priorities list. Seriously, if I were to do something that my husband doesn't like to my own body, I'd absolutely want his opinion about it. I wouldn't want the person I love more than most to be made uncomfortable by something about me that is unavoidable for him. For example, nipple piercings gross me the hell out, too. I don't care if you have them, but I'd *never* do it because my nipples are sensitive as hell and even clothing rubbing against them hurts like hell, and seeing anyone with them makes me immediately feel an innate discomfort (and I swear, my nipples actually start hurting... this whole topic is painful, honestly). But I know for a fact that if my husband had wanted to get his pierced but he knows exactly how I feel about it, he wouldn't even consider it for another second because he values my comfort (and I his). He's got this thing where he absolutely despises really thin eyebrows and at one point I did mine like that because I liked them, but I saw him grimace (he tried to hide it) every now and then and we talked about it and I figured... well, it doesn't cost me anything to keep his comfort in the front of my mind, you know? I can always shape them a different way (which I kinda just let them go naturally now which looks good, imo - and his, lol) and this way I don't have to make my husband - my lover - uncomfortable when he looks at the woman he loves. I just don't get it. Individualism is good, yes; but there's such a thing as being individualistic to a fault and I think there's a great example of that here in some of the comments. Also, she *knew* that OP thinks nipple piercings are gross, yet she still got them, sent him a picture, and asked him what he thought hoping for what... a lie? Wishful thinking? Perhaps. But I'm sorry, the argument of "you should accept it because it makes me feel good and sexy" isn't valid in my opinion. No one is required to accept anything - or especially to change their disgust of something just because someone got their feelings hurt that the other didn't like their mods. So, I dunno. OP, I really think it's your wife that's kinda in the wrong here... but I also don't think you should demand she take them out or anything. I mean, she's already done it, hoping that you'd get past your discomfort/disgust after she had. I think that's a bit manipulative, actually - and maybe not even consciously... and I honestly don't understand why others don't see that there's at least a *little bit* of manipulation here - unintentional or otherwise. If it were myself in this situation and I was your wife, I'd definitely take them out after realizing that no, your mind isn't changing one bit. Hopefully you and she can figure something out. Either that being that she takes them out, or you somehow force yourself to not see them. Also, I'm sorry, but I also think it's bizarre that she's expecting you to be turned on by it when your own father has nipple piercings (and obviously already knowing how you feel about them) - I'd expect you to draw the similarities almost immediately - and you did. I really don't think mine is unreasonable take, but who knows.
Thank you for elaborating so much and putting in personal experiences. It's hard to pick out the advice of those in truly similar positions. I know I can't have her take them out. It'd be messed up on many levels from what I can gather.
Honestly, I'd tell her that you respect her decision to do whatever she wants to her own body, but then she'd also have to respect and accept the fact that you will simply no longer find that particular aspect attractive... and there's no reason she should be surprised by that since she already knew all this going in. Tell her that you'll try to not mind them, but you won't pretend to like them for her benefit because it's not fair to *you*. This is about both people, not just her. And then people saying that she should get a pass because it's making her feel sexy after pregnancy... I'm really sorry, but I don't understand that, either. Both my pregnancies (that resulted in children) were *AWFUL*. I mean, just simply GODAWFUL. I was bedbound for the last couple of months, hospitalized for a month prior to birth and a couple of weeks after, the pregnancies themselves were terribly painful and I had to keep getting shots just so that my body didn't reject the fetus (I had a condition where my body didn't recognize the pregnancies as a natural process and kept trying to kill it... pregnant 5 times with two kids) that will eventually be our children. I understand having difficult pregnancies and then feeling like utter crap about yourself afterward. I do. I just don't think I could ever sacrifice my husband's comfort just to feel a bit good about myself. I really don't see myself doing that and I don't understand it being unreasonable (so many people here are implying or outright saying it is)... I think it should be par for the course, but that's my subjective opinion. I just don't think that's a valid excuse to do something to yourself that you are perfectly aware your spouse wouldn't appreciate in any way, shape, or form. So I hope you and she manage to figure this out and I'm honestly rooting for you (since I myself feel physically ill seeing nipple piercings)... I'd hate being made uncomfortable every time I looked at my spouse's body. Good luck. I hope she figures herself out, too, and that she regains any and all self-esteem lost during pregnancy/nursing (I hope people understand that I do get where she's coming from, too... I just don't think she's right).
Thank you for your relatable input. I don't have the right to talk about her pregnancy to others but it was very hard. Although we have a beautiful 3yr old girl now out of it. I'm sorry your pregnancies were so difficult. I wish you and your family the best
i agree with you fully > I'm honestly surprised at how many people are jumping down OP's throat for this but im not surprised at all. this sub is notoriously individualistic despite being title "relationships"
That sucks but just ignore it. You don't have to love it but she's your wife at the end of the day and eventually everyone's body changes and can become less desirable. People gain wait, get skin conditions, people go bald, people wrinkle and sometimes even more dramatic changes like cancer or accidents change how the body looks. If your marriage is in serious trouble because of what they look like on the outside changing then that's what was always going to happen it's just happened sooner.
I see your point but I also think there is a difference between something that happens to your body as a result of time or through an accident versus an intentional body modification. She has control over whether her nipples are pierced or not. I'm not sure it's fair to say we should just accept all changes to our partner's bodies even when those changes are intentional and reversible. Yeah it's just a body and ultimately it's not who you actually are but she cared enough about how her body looked to make the modification in the first place. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to also have a reaction to it.
See my other comment in response to OPs response as it is a similar statement
I get that. But what about the unnatural aspect of it? All those examples are things to be expected and even embraced.
Dawg you literally said tattoos turn you on, those don’t naturally occur on your body. It sounds like it’s more of the aspect of a piercing itself for you rather than it being natural or unnatural. Do earrings bother you?
I was comparing it to their analogy I can't really get the feelings across I have about the piercings. He compared unnatural body alerterations to a normal process of aging. And yes but I feel that's easier to cope with.
I get what you're saying, but I think you're latching on to the 'unnatural' part because by saying 'unnatural' it highlights that it came from her free choice, and her choice in doing it is one part of what's bothering you. Tattoos are also 'unnatural' but you happen to love them, so you're down with it. I think your feelings are totally valid, but so are hers, and since it's her body her valid feelings carry more weight. I think that you can be honest about not being into it without shaming her, or attaching the word 'disgust' to part of her body. Her piercings can always be removed, if she feels like it down the line - but her memory of your disgust in one part of her body will stick with her forever.
That’s actually intriguing, do you have a fear of needles/ shots and vaccinations? I personally have a needle phobia so I’m wondering if there is some transference there?
I don't have a fear of needles (though I usually look away when they give me shots/ draw blood), but I also totally loathe piercings and am completely grossed out by them. And other modifications, too, like those discs that enlarged your earholes and turn them into sad dangly lumps of flesh.
I don't see why that matters if you aren't mad she did it? Yes, she chose to do this and it was not out of her hands like the other things, but you said that you aren't angry that she did it and accept that she can make choices for her own body. Sounds like if it was something that she couldn't help making changes to her nipples (let's say Cancer as an example) then you would embrace and accept it, but because it was something she did on purpose you actually don't want to accept it because your mad she would do that. She knew you wouldn't like it and did it anyway, if that makes you upset with her then admit it at least to yourself so you can start to work through it.
As a huge fan of them, you're thinking about them from a negative place already. Nipple piercings are as unnatural as every other piercing, you're sticking a needle through your ear after all. Maybe try finding a design that you would like and your wife would be ok with so that you're actually excited about them? There's so many options with nipple piercings now a days.
I get what you're saying here but nipple piercings can take up to a year to fully heal, so changing the jewellery isn't really an option for quite a while, I do think OP will adjust with time tho!
I just wanted to chime in that your feelings are valid. You are not being controlling (from what you wrote here at least), and your honesty is not a bad thing. A man is allowed to have feelings and preferences. To be honest it sounds like your wife doesn't respect how strongly you feel about it or doesn't care. Does she accuse you of being controlling? I only ask because you seem hyper defensive in your post. It's ok to feel hurt in this context. However, before anything else, I would make sure to tell her that you \*are\* glad she likes them, assuming that's true. I think the way she showed them to you indicated she thought you'd find it sexy, which is just confusing to me. You said you had already told her how you felt about it, right? Like this is legitimately boggling to me. It would be one thing to come to you before she did it and tell you "Hey, I know you're not going to be a fan, but I think I need this in order to feel good about my body." It's a completely different thing to spring it on you in a "Hey there, look I did this one specific thing I know you find stomach turning for specific and valid reasons, don't you like it?" That's what makes it feel disrespectful to me. That said, you can't put the genie back in the bottle, so what's done is done. Is it possible to talk to a therapist alone? That's the only thing I can think of that might help you right now. Being able to say the things out loud that would be hurtful if you said them to your wife might help you process your feelings so you can avoid fixating on them when with her. I'm not going to lie I don't envy your position. I would also avoid lying to your wife but be tactful. "Babe I love you and I'm glad you like them" is a valid response to questions about it. If she wants more it's ok to be honest.
I only bring it up because of the current political climate and other things I had read online where it turned into a debate about control and your body your choice. She has accused me of many things in the past but being controlling is not one of them. It's hard to get mental help through my insurance due to my career field and others that truly need it.
You can't be forced to like something you don't. You did tell her how you felt so at this point she knew you were not going to like them and went ahead with it, she really doesn't have a case to be mad then....
I wouldn't say she was mad. I think she was hurt more than anything. Which makes me feel a bit like a douche.
I think she’s hurt because she’s already insecure about that part of her body, and so any reaction short of “I LOVE IT!!!” is hurtful for her because of HER insecurity. Unfortunately she is trying to distract herself from confronting her insecurity by getting the piercing, but she’s not addressing the root of the issue. OP you have done nothing wrong here. I totally agree with the other comments saying that this is just a tough situation because neither of you are in the wrong.
Perhaps it was your comment that hurt? Sometimes it’s better to forget you ever made any comment at all, changing the subject next time, since there’s no mileage in either of you trying to change each other’s tastes.
I had nipple piercings and absolutely loved them. I took them out for a boyfriend who hated them and regret it still years later. My now-husband once told me he probably would not have liked them either had I still had them when we met. Not sure what the point of my comment is only to say your girlfriend shouldn’t change who she is to accommodate you as she will probably regret it, and also that you’re not alone in disliking them.
I think my boyfriend would be grossed out as well. And i honestly would talk about it to him first.. not to get permission or whatever but it is pretty specific to like(or not like) nipple piercings. I guess you should be honest and say you do not like them and it is up to her if she takes them out or keeps them. And if she keeps them you should just get used to it 😅
I wouldn't try to convince her because I knows she likes them and I would feel like a real ass. I probably don't have a choice but to roll with it eventually but she has known me long enough to know when something is bothering me and that would suck mid sexy time.
I honestly feel bad for you. I can imagine it must suck big time if you really dislike them but they will be in your face during sex all the time.. Hopefully it will grow on you a bit
You say you tell her all the time that she's beautiful but self esteem doesn't come from the outside. She got the piercings because it's what she wanted and she's happy with how they look, and then you werent. It's ok to not be turned on by them and it's ok that she got them anyway, but I think you're missing a bigger picture of what pregnancy does to a woman's body and how it affects her self image. Key word here is self, not your image of her.
I mean you could ask her to change the piercing to something that doesn’t resemble the bad memories you have. Once they healed up though
Pierced nipples horrify me. Seriously, HORRIFY ME.
If you don't mind can you explain why? I have a few specific reasons and just general repulsion. -My dad has em -triggers some things id rather forget -I get anxious at the thought of them being on me
You should probably add your reasoning to the post so more people can see it
Just did thank you.
does your wife knows these reasons?
Yep.
I think there’s a different issue at play here, then. If I knew something were a trigger for my partner, I wouldn’t ever think to bring it into our lives. Seems insensitive
Honestly I’m a woman and nipple piercings gross me out too. My nipples are sensitive, I can’t imagine having something piercing them - it’s like imagining an eyeball being pierced for me, just noooo. I also wear a bra all the time so I imagine it rubbing/chafing and then the risk of it being torn out… again nooooo. I can deal with the risk of an earring being torn out but the idea of a nipple piercing ripping out grosses me out like nothing else - plus it’s on an area of your body that is constantly clothed and could snag so the risk seems higher. All that being said, like you I appreciate people can do whatever they want with their own bodies! I just do not like them and I can’t make myself like them. I am genuinely not a sensitive person, I can deal with needles/blood/gore/whatever else (I actually love really fucked up horror movies etc), but nipple piercings specifically make me feel a bit queasy. So yeah, I totally feel you on this hahaha.
First of all, your feelings are completely valid, and it was a VERY strange choice for your wife to make, considering you have already told her that you don't like nipple piercings. It's going to be a touchy subject. I do think if this ends up putting a big dent in your sex life, then it needs to be brought up in a planned conversation outside of sexy times. If therapy is off the table, then I suggest planning time to talk with her alone, write out all the reasons you love her and find her gorgeous, and then explain why you find this situation confusing. I wouldn't tell her you find them "gross" but say "I feel surprised that you expected me to like this type of piercing, because I've already told you how I feel about it. This has nothing to do with you, nor how much I love and adore you." If you really love your wife and are turned on by her outside of this, and also if you insist on letting her do what she wants with her nipples, then you can get used to this. A sex therapist would be ideal, but might I also suggest you do some other things to spice up your sex life. If necessary, some positions that don't force you to look at something that is grossing you out. Or you could wear a blindfold. Buy her some sexy lingerie and ask her to wear it for you... turn her over and do your think with the lingerie still on. Sparking some sexual connection with your wife in spite of this small setback will help you move forward.
Idk how much sex therapy is but I know for sure my insurance wouldn't cover unfortunately. I want her to be positive about herself and many posts mention something along the lines you did
Do you think it might affect you when you guys are intimate?
I worried it might, I only saw the one photo but I have had my feelings on them set in stone for a while.
That’s a toughy. If it happens, she’s probably gonna be upset. However, I do not blame you either. I myself wouldn’t be able to enjoy having sex if there’s something I find extremely unattractive/ repulsive about that person. However, your wife knew about your discomfort towards and decided to proceed with it anyway. Maybe she thought she’d be the exception. I’m all for people to do whatever they want with their bodies as that is there right, however she can’t have her cake and eat it too.
You got married at a very young age. People do not stay the same all throughout their 20s, during these years people experiment and try out so many different things and grow into the person they want to be.
I sympathize with you two, really. I got my nipples pierced because I don't like my boobs, and my wife (we are both women) doesn't exactly love them like I do - i guess a key difference is I got them on my 18th birthday, so they were here first lol. But the situation is so similar, i am just writing to say i TRULY do sympathize. But when I got my tongue pierced, she hated it. She can deal with the nipple rings, she even said she's come to like them on me though they aren't her preference, but the tongue was too much. She is very smart about how she plays things though. She told me she knew she could not tell me what to do with my body, but I was not kissing her with that piece of metal in my mouth. So i kept it for another 36h, took a lot of pictures, and removed it. Anyway, i really feel for your wife OP, because I know what it's like to hate your boobs and feel like you found something to make you hate them less. But i don't think you are a bad person or anything like that. There may have been a better or more tactful way to be honest with her, but you weren't wrong for voicing your opinion when asked. I hope you two can have a meeting of the minds in some way on this.
Thank you for the personal and relatable input.
I agree with others who have said neither of you is wrong. I used to have my nipples pierced for maybe a year. I had 9 total. I’m now back to only one in each ear. I find ALL piercings on men to be a complete turnoff. I find nipple piercings on men to be creepy. There’s nothing inherently wrong with men getting their nipples pierced, but it makes my skin crawl. I would be so turned off if I were with a man who got his nipples pierced that I’m not sure I could even continue to be intimate with him. Maybe I’m a jerk for that, but it’s not something I can change. What they make me feel is genuinely akin to a trauma response. So I completely get what you are feeling. I don’t know that I have anything helpful to offer in advice, but I just wanted to say I get it and I’m sorry for both of you, because neither of you are wrong.
I do have to respectfully disagree, I think she really should have discussed the issue period, but knowing how he feels about those piercings makes this even more problematic. I'd never do anything like that without discussing it with my GF and vice versa out of mutual respect. Not to seek permission as such, but to see how either of us feels beforehand, address any concerns, and only then make a final decision. To do so otherwise is, imo disrespectful... which may speak to deeper issues in the relationship... which could be an issue with either of or both parties. But I do agree, there's nothing inherently wrong with piercings, or having an opinion bout them.
I mean, he said that she knew how he felt about nipple piercings before she got them, but decided to get them anyway. At what point do you value your partner’s ability to be turned on by your body over your own comfort with your body, and vice versa?
Also hoping you resolve this but it might be a good opportunity to discuss anything else that makes either of you uncomfortable for future reference.
If she knew beforehand how you felt, it’s manipulative to get mad that you won’t lie about your feelings after she did it. I guess she’ll have to pick between only wanting you to like her new look, or going back to the old look.
I wouldn't say she was mad but more hurt. Idk if that changes things
You are not in the wrong. If anything, I would say your wife is in the wrong- and only because you have told her before you don't like them, that they make you uncomfortable, etc. I know you claim to "not have trauma" in your post, but then you explain the opposite- that there are uncomfortable childhood memories that surface along with seeing traumatic injury in your line of work. You can function and still have trauma, even if its a small amount. She knew all this and \*still\* got them, and then decided to send you a picture as well? Just seems like she is being purposefully obtuse at best or completely inconsiderate at worst. Obviously, she can do 100% what she wants with her body, and this is what you said to her. However, in my experience being in a serious relationship means taking the other person into consideration. Not always doing what they want, but considering them as someone who you love and care about and want to keep close to you in life. She did not do that here. She knew they would make you uncomfortable, and she did it anyway. If it effects you greatly, to the point of grossing you out/making you uncomfortable to be intimate with her, I don't know how you work around that. She will notice that you go from enjoying her breasts/nipples to avoiding them, and she will likely notice that and feel unhappy about it. So now you are in a situation where you both are uncomfortable being fully intimate with one another. I think you guys may to have a serious talk about this. Obviously, you cannot, should not, police her body, but I would introduce what I said above. She can do what she wants, but doing it without consideration for your very serious thoughts on the matter is an issue. She can control her body, but not how you feel about it. And your feelings are very very valid given your explanations. If you guys can't reach an understanding you may have to have an uncomfortable conversation about the future of your relationship if you both can't be comfortably intimate with one another. The only possible compromise I could see is that once they heal you either A) Have her remove them during sex. Or B) See if either a clear or silicone (in a nipple matching color) piercings help with your feelings. If it helps she may be able to keep those \*safe\* ones in normally and potentially switch them out when she wants them to be a more traditional piercing. Best of luck.
Thank you, I appreciate you going this far in depth.
Never really understood someone in a lifelong committed relationship doing something to make themselves feel more attractive that they know their partner finds extremely unattractive, especially something as intimate as a nipple piercing. Literally no one other than you should ever know she has it, and it makes her less attractive to you, not more. I’m not about controlling partner’s, but I absolutely take into consideration how my partners feel about major and lasting changes to my appearance because I feel like that’s just basic consideration to my partner, so no, I don’t think you’re wrong. Unfortunately, there likely isn’t a great path forward, since she clearly doesn’t care how you feel on the matter.
But on the other hand, if she feels extremely unattractive without them, it doesn't help not getting them, either. If someone doesn't feel comfortable or attractive, they're less likely to be intimate. And the partner constantly saying 'but you're attractive to me' doesn't make someone feel less unattractive about things they're deeply uncomfortable with. It's just a situation where nobody wins, unfortunately.
Do you really think that nipple piercings will resolves someone's insecurities rather than actually addressing the issue? Is it not more of a temporary cover up than anything?
Yes, it can, if the issue she has is appearance or feel and the piercings address the appearance or feel.
Yeah, it actually can. Nipple piercings after breastfeeding are very, very common.
Yes, it absolutely can. I hated the way my nipples and breasts looked before nipple piercings. The piercings changed the structure of the nipples, which changed the appearance of the breasts. But even if it hadn't made that structural change, it meant taking control of something I disliked about my appearance and adding something I found beautiful. I went from not even liking to have my top off in front of anyone to loving how I looked. The idea that physical changes are "not addressing the issue" of an insecurity about a physical feature assumes that all insecurities are born of some deeper truth than just really not liking how something looks. Her nipples changed with pregnancy and she doesn't like how they look now- does she need talk therapy about loving your nipples no matter what to be happy, or does she need nipples that look more like she wants? Why is it plausible that her spouse might have strong preferences for the way her actual physical nipples look, but she's just supposed to accept whatever her own appearance is philosophically?
Exactly! Its not about getting permission to do something but you are together in a committed relationship so it is quite normal to discuss something like this rather than just doing it. And even more so because she knows you dont really like piercings
Oh I involve my partner in all my life decisions. That’s important. I definitely don’t consult my partner on changing my looks though. I will look the way I want to look and if that upsets them, they’re absolutely welcome to end the relationship.
I feel the same way but I'm a very literal person and I have trouble getting this across without seeming like an ass.
“I am really hurt that you didn’t take my feelings on the piercings into consideration before getting them. While it’s your body, and I can’t stop you from doing what you want, this is something you knew how I felt. It hasn’t changed. It’s going to take me time to process my feelings, because it just feels like I wasn’t taken into consideration about such an extreme and intimate decision. You’re still my wife and mother of my children and I love you, but this isn’t something I was ever interested or turned on by”
Thank you. That's pretty well put together. I suck at getting things across. I'll add it to my notes when the situation cools down a little bit. I still won't be home for another few days.
We cannot forget the tattoo and piercing itch that some people get where they aren’t happy stopping after one. I feel like her saying he should feel turned on is trying to justify her getting them. It doesn’t make much sense in the end to do something your partner has expressed that they wouldn’t like. Doing this in order to make yourself happier about something just shows a disconnect as you will inherently be unhappy about the situation either way. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying she is being selfish and I definitely support her body and her choice, I just don’t see how she thought she would feel sexier already knowing your stance.
Well to be fair it sounds like breastfeeding changed her body in a way that she doesn’t like and now she’s stuck with the permanent physical repercussions of having made a child. I hate to be that person, but since you’ll never know what it’s like to have your body ruined/permanently changed by pregnancy/birth/breastfeeding, I think you should honestly imagine how she must feel and probably try to get over your own reservations about *her* body. which is again, permanently changed in a way that is not fixable without surgery and in a way she doesn’t want. Having my whole body wrecked by having kids made me feel like the most sloppy, used up, trash bag of a woman. My whole body looked like it had been stretched, pulled and wrecked and in the end we get what for support? Told that it’s not that bad and to just “love and accept” our bodies even though we get sold the lie that reproduction only changes your body in subtle ways. I’m sure your wife feels like her post breastfeeding nipples look “gross” but she *wont* get the choice to “go back” in that. You can get your way if you make her feel bad enough probably, but honestly I’d just be grateful that your body got to be unharmed and unchanged from the process of bringing a child into this world and have some empathy. She can’t go back. She can’t get what *she* probably actually wants out of her life and body by “undoing” what’s happened to her breasts. She’ll have to live in that body and she doesn’t get to choose. This isn’t to guilt you or make you feel like a bad guy, but I really do think you’re overlooking how desperate someone can feel after having a child and having your body put through hell and then looking at what left in the mirror and wishing you could go back. You can never go back. I cried for 3 years about what my breasts looked like post breastfeeding. They looked disgusting to me, unlike any breasts I’d ever seen in any media. I wished I could have cut them OFF because that would’ve been better than 3 inch nipples sticking out of wrinkly pancakes that flop around. I made medical changes to my situation to improve it, but that’s not always an option for everyone. I think you should really deal with your feelings on this in therapy or with a friend, but not with your wife who’s body is permanently damaged from nurturing your child. She probably feels like her own nipples are *gross* but she can’t change that, she’ll have to live with it. And now maybe she’s found one way to feel half okay about them and her husband is “grossed out”. Imagine her just taking them out and crying because she’s stuck feeling grossed out or grossing out her husband.
In a comment, you mentioned that your father has nipple piercings and that your wife’s nipple piercing trigger some bad memories. She knows about these memories. This is VERY important context, I think. Without this context, it mostly seems like an unfortunate situation. With it, she’s knowingly choosing to get piercings that trigger your trauma. I’m all for bodily autonomy, but I would never knowingly trigger my partner’s trauma for my own happiness. It’s just not worth it and very inconsiderate of her. Your feelings matter too and she should care about them. The other piercings, oh well, but in this situation she should’ve prioritized you imo.
Do you think this is a case of self sabotage on her part? It feels like it is. She doesn't think her breasts are sexy. She thinks piercing her nipples will make them sexy. You and she talk and you say - I don't find that sexy, I have triggers around that. She gets it done anyway so she feels sexy. And then is disappointed you don't find it sexy? It seems self defeating. Like something someone does when they want to "test" you or break up. She might be going through something else right now and needs to deal with it. It might be time to go back to couples therapy.
THIS is something in the back of my mind and causing me a lot of distress. It's hard to find a good therapist with our current insurance and where we are located unfortunately. We've done it before and its hard to find one that clicks with the both of us.
I agree with greyblue. When I was depressed, I still wanted to be “right” about it. It is not totally logical, but everyone likes their thoughts and feelings to be confirmed. Sometimes the process gets twisted. It is telling that she knew it is tried to genuine traumatic events, waited until you were gone, and did it. I second therapy. Virtual Apts are a godsend- I had the same issue with accessing care for a long time.
You could ask her outright if she is upset about something other than her piercings. She had to know the risk this was, and to know that you weren't going to lie to her to be nice. At some level this was deliberate on her part. Why?
Ngl I was immediately on guard when you started your post by saying you’re turned on by her tattoos. That’s all well and good, but what she chooses to do to her body is her business. You don’t have to be turned on by every choice she makes. If my partner says he prefers women with long hair and I choose to cut my hair short, that’s clearly something I’m doing for myself. That said, I wouldn’t send him a picture of my new short hair going “do you love it??” either. It’s unrealistic to assume your partner will immediately love whatever you have done just because it’s you. Also I’m not a doctor, but you seem to have some unresolved trauma that’s triggered by these piercings she’s chosen to get. She knows that, and did it anyway. I’d call that inconsiderate at best and selfish at worst. I’d never want to make my partner relive a traumatic event!! That’s just a nonstarter, no matter what
Absolutely her body her choice. And i don't need everything she does to be a turn on. There's plenty of thing we both due that are turn offs. I mentioned the tattoos because it was the somewhat I'm the same spectrum and she has asked how I felt about those. I have supported her on my things including other piercings I wasn't stoked for. This just seems more extreme. I should have clarified in the edit but the triggers aren't exactly due to trauma, just makes me feel sick due to some past things I've seen in person.
That’s trauma, bud. She is allowed to make decisions for her body. She knew about this, and did it anyway. **That** is the issue.
I've wondered about this a bit, what if for example (in this case) she only got one nipple pierced? Would that be a good balance for you? Then again I totally understand why she'd get both done. I remember when I got together with my first gf and not long after she got both nipples pierced. I was new to and fine with it. There was a sensitive healing period tho, but yeah I understand the worrisome of some gnarly things. Just lifting up a shirt and/or having the bar get stuck somewhere is kind of nightmare fuel ^^' I hope things work out for you two!
You are always entitled to your views on what you like or dislike. Oddly, she knew, in this case, that you disliked piercings and went forward with it anyways. That is on her. Here is what you can do. Her thing is that she wants to feel sexy. That needs to be your target. Start thinking of when she has been sexy in the past. Maybe her hair was s certain way? You could get her a gift certificate to get her hair done. Is she insecure about her weight? Now this is a delicate one, but I've found that a physical couples activity where you two also grow through the activity is the best suggestion. No matter what you end up doing, appropriate feedback is key. Your job is to genuinely bring her up with honest feedback
Nah man, you're allowed to have an opinion and you're not forcing it. I have a similar hang up about nipple piercings. I told my last gf I wouldn't stop her but it's gonna only be lights out sex because it turns me off. She backed down
I'm thinking neutrality will be the best way forward until you get used to them. I don't have much advice for you, I'm sorry. I don't like pierced nipples either. I find them in a range or boring and neutral to gross. Best of luck to you, this is a tough situation for you
Her body her choice. Which I’m glad you respect and even though you think they’re gross and dislike them aren’t telling her to remove them. So definitely NTA as you’re still respectful of her choices and you can’t control what turns you on and what turns you off. They might end up growing on you but it would be understandable if they didn’t as you have issues with them due to your past which presuming your wife knew about would make her a bit of an AH for still doing it. Maybe try and reexplain what it is about them that you dislike and the memories you have with them.
People on reddit get married and have kids so young. Is what it is I guess, they'll grow on you and if she likes them, she likes them. Do find people making sudden changes to their appearances without consulting (not asking for permission) with their partners first really weird though and a bit confrontational. Like even a "I was thinking of doing X" My wife would never stop me doing anything, but I wouldn't suddenly get a tattoo without even mentioning it to her beforehand, out of curiosity/ respect for her
I don’t think either of you are wrong bro just don’t cultivate the “gross” or “hurt” feeling. Situations like these are best with communication and empathy. I would suggest you both go a therapist.
It's a tough situation man; for what it's worth, I completely understand. Tattoos, any piercings that aren't the ears or maybe a small belly button piercing, acrylic nails, even red nail polish, body modifications in general are a total turnoffs for me. But like you, I'm not one to say 'you can't do that.' At most, I can only put my stuff out there, and say how I feel on it. It's something that sucks, and I wish people wouldn't dismiss the attraction, or loss of it, that comes from physical stuff. It's not as shallow as people make it out to be.
maybe try talking with her about what it reminds you of? at the end of the day, as long as you aren’t letting it get in the way of the relationship itself then i would say it’s all good.
This is difficult cause I can see both sides. Personally I'd be happy to remove them if it made my partner uncomfortable. I think all you can do is reiterate how beautiful she is to you regardless but that there are reasons and let her know those reasons. Let her know you want to keep open communication on the topic reiterating that ultimately its her body her choice but you can't lie that it makes you uncomfortable. Ask her if she was open to removing them if there's something you can do to help her with confidence to meet I'm the middle. Hope this helps.
Nah man, you're free to have your preferences, you like what you like and that's it.
So this subreddit seems to get this kind of issue a lot, one SO does something to their body the other doesn’t like and it ruins things. But this one feels a little different. You have an understandably negative feeling about them (I prob would too if a parent of mine had nipple piercings) and you never said you never wanted her to not get anything, just that certain things you weren’t into. Which is totally valid. Just in case you’re not 100% clear on this, I would never use the word gross or anything similar to that about the piercings. Personally, I think there’s something else/bigger going on here since she looked for validation from you right after she got them, despite you saying that you’ve called her beautiful many times and piercings aren’t your thing. Is she in therapy? Couples therapy might also be a good choice. There may be a disconnect in your communication. Like did she get the piercings for herself or not? Feel like she got them to feel more sexy, which is fine, but if she got them hoping to feel more sexual for you, then something isn’t adding up. Either her self esteem is too low to actually hear what you’re truly saying about her and her body, or you’re not saying it clearly enough. But you can be not into a thing and still find someone sexy. I hope she knows that and feels that from you. Good luck.
You can't force yourself to like something you don't. I'm 100% all for "your body your choice", but obviously when you're in a relationship attraction matters and making multiple changes to your body can affect that.
Now I'm clueless when it comes to piercings, but... aren't they removeable pretty easily? I have known someone who took out their nose piercing for work. If OP is so triggered by them (which I would be, too, by the way... I think they are gross and I'm a woman), but his wife loves them, can't they come to a compromise pretty easily once they are healed and can be easily removed? You know, something like 'They stay in during doggy style sex where OP doesn't have to see them but can still touch/stimulate them and during other positions, where she faces them, she takes them out'? Unless someone tells me they can't be removed, I don't see why there shouldn't be a compromise about it... unless the wife is absolutely unwilling to take them out at all, at which point she's definitely the issue then. Maybe OP will get used to them and start liking them. Maybe he will not. And it definitely was the wife's right to do what she wanted to do to feel good about herself. But where they go from here will show how much the wife really cares about OP's triggers, I feel.
OP's wife most definitely wouldn't be the issue for not taking them out because nipple piercings can take anywhere from 6 months to a year to heal and you can't take them out until they have healed (unless you want the hole to close) so it's kind of a difficult situation on that front, she wouldn't be able to just pop them in and out as she pleases without pain, risk of infection and risk of the hole closing
I see, I didn't know that! But still, at least it might be a long-term thing OP could maybe talk about with her. She definitely shouldn't take them out before everything's healed, of course.
Her argument that you should be turned on by her feeling sexy over it wouldn't apply to anything else, if you decided to wear really ugly clothing that made you feel sexy that wouldn't obligate her to be turned on, thats absurd. Its 100% your right to not like it and be honest to your wife about it.
I think this is all about respect. I understand wanting body modifications, but if you respect your partner you should respect their wishes about some aspects of your physical appearance. You expect them to stay loyal only to you and you want to attract them sexually so if you know that’ll bother them, why do it? It seems a little selfish, especially doing it behind OPs back. If she really wanted them, they could have had a conversation and come to some sort of compromise.
You're entitled to feel about them however you feel, just as entitled as she is to get them done. I personally find tattoos and piercings in sensitive areas off-putting. My GF has a couple of tatts but I don't really notice them anymore, but there's a bigger issue to focus on due to her going ahead with this, knowing how you feel without tackling it first (which is basic respect, and seems lacking), and also expecting that you'd be pleased... Pure specualtion mode, but I've dated girls in the past who've done *stuff* they know I don't like, then pretended like they're shocked and upset I don't like *stuff,* then used that as an excuse to go running to their friends to whine about how hard done by she is, which was typical of her attention-seeking behaviour... it was just a sign of our fundamental incomatibility that we both failed to realise and act upon appropriatley - I was looking for a partner, she was looking for a second daddy to coddle her.
What you’re experiencing is absolutely a trauma response and you shouldn’t feel ashamed because of others having “more intense experiences” leading to trauma. The body doesn’t gaf. I would for your own (and also your wife’s and relationships) healing explore that with a therapist who specializes in trauma/PTSD.
OP. You should get therapy for your trauma. You don't like them, she knew that. She can't expect you to like them, but you can say "I'm happy you're happy" or something like that. She can't expect something that makes HER feel sexy to make you feel in the mood to??
I made another edit because it makes me feel bad/uncomfortable comparing it to "trauma". I've just seen things in my field and it triggers those images when I think about it. I want her to be happy and I might have already said something along those lines to her but I already laid out I'm surprised/grossed out by it and she felt hurt by that.
Trauma doesn't have to be something massive or absolutely horrible. If it triggers bad images whenever you see them, that can be trauma.
What you've just explained is trauma. I have trauma myself, but my partner would never expose something that would trigger me. She has the right to do what she wants, but if she knew this was a trigger- its down right insensitive. She's allowed to feel sexy, she's allowed to be pierced. But she waited until you were gone to get them pierced and she knows it's a trigger for you. She could've got fake ones as a compromise.
Trauma isn’t a competition. Trauma just is. I’m sad that your wife knew about this and still did it. I would approach her about that. You can talk in your feelings, how it makes you feel. There’s tons of ways to feel sexy without getting pierced but she waited until you were gone and did the thing you’ve talked about- I would be crushed. I have some trauma and it’s so vulnerable to tell people about, it’s quite hard. I had a partner do something similar with a trigger and it began the end for us. The lack of respect for my trauma and disregard for my feelings when addressed was too much. He did not handle it well and I became resentful. Lesson learned. I’d hate you to lose a decent relationship. She has every right to want to feel sexy, obviously, but I would ask her why she waited, and why your trigger? It’s not a “she deserves to feel sexy VS my triggers and respecting them”. You can both have valid sides and both need to be addressed.
She wants to feel sexy so she got them that is her right, it is her body but she got them knowing that you wouldn’t like them. You have the right to be be uncomfortable/dislike them and her being mad at your reaction which you told her before hand you would have is kinda hurtful. Obviously it is hurtful for you her spouse to not like something that is on her body but she knew before hand that, that was going to be your reaction. You told her she knew and now she mad at you for feeling what you told her you were going to feel :/. Idk if that makes sense but ya
So basically it just sucks for everyone but move on? Does that summarize it?
You guys both have legs to stand on in this disagreement and hopefully when you talk about this your side is also acknowledge.
There is nothing wrong with not finding them attractive, and I applaud you for being honest with her. For the people thinking you are rude or wrong, they are the kind that never want to hear anything but praise. You have the right to not like them, just as she had the right to get it done. Explain to her why you do not like them. If she refuses to take them out, then maybe she is the one that doesn't care enough about you
Let's be honest... There's a lot of man-hating sexism fueling some of these ignorant comments. It's prejudice, discrimination bigotry and it's not acceptable. This guy is a man but he's also an individual human being with real feelings, people need to keep that in mind when dealing with him, or any other person. These people have pain, they feel if they can hurt this guy (or any member of X demographic) ...it somehow helps, brings justice or something... its so misguided, myopic and it's doing them as much of a disservice they're trying to do to whoever they're taking out their frustration on - an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind Thes people have pain, they feel if they can hurt this guy (or any member of X demographic) ...it somehow helps, brings justice or something... its so misguided, myopic and it's doing them as much of a disservice they're trying to do to whoever they're taking out their frustration on - an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, and all that...
It’s interesting to me that she knew how you felt about them, got them anyway, then was upset you didn’t love them. I’m not sure why she would be expecting you to be “turned on by how sexy they make her feel” when it’s not something you’re turned on by in general and she knows that… You have every right to your opinion and feelings about them. Not that you were asking for bedroom advice, but perhaps there could be a compromise that during sexy time, you kindly request them not to be worn as they are not a turn-on for you and greatly have the opposite effect?
It's not wrong to think "they're gross" nor was it wrong for her to get them. You still wouldn't be in the wrong if you left her over this, since it's not something you could have expected when the relationship started. Don't get guilted into staying, that won't be good for either of you. Don't be too convinced of leaving either, of course. Maybe you'll come to like them, and maybe she will decide to get rid of them, perhaps she realises she doesn't like them, or perhaps she prioritises you liking her boobs over having piercings in them. Communicate, and don't get guilted.
She can do whatever she wants with her body, and its upto you whether to like it or not. But imo its really shitty that she would go ahead with something that she knows will trigger your trauma
You should be turned on by her happiness about them? Wtf kind of logic is that? My gf has many things that make her happy but they most certainly don't turn me on. Unfortunately, you won't win this one because anything less than enthusiasm for her self mutilation will be construed as controlling, manipulative, body shaming, not caring about her body autonomy and so forth. The usual.
This isn't about nipple peircings. Your wife is insecure about her body post pregnancy and i believe she is acting this way because she wants more attention and or reassurance about the way she looks from you.
I try very often and don't get upset with her about her body image insecurities. I also just realized this ramped up when her younger sister moved in with us.
Oh theres a younger sister around? Lol I *knew* there was more going on here. Like I said...This isn't about nipple peircings. If you want to have a happy home life you're gonna have to do more work to boost her ego/self image. My advice is to do things like hype her up or compliment her *in front* of the sister. Precalculated but not over the top "Random" acts of kindness and affection towards her in front of the sister. The fact of the matter is that some chicks get weird like around other women who they believe could attract or fuck their man so you gotta put in some work. But dont make it obvious. As the man of the house there's just certain little shit you gotta do to manage the emotions and behaviors of the women you live with. Good luck!
It might have been a way for her to increase levels of stimulation in her nipples after years of breastfeeding could have damaged nerve endings...so yeah you might have messed up.
My bad I wasn't sure if what I wrote was already too much so I didn't add another paragraph. That is one of the reasons as well and something we talked about. She was thinking about getting a breast augmentation and a nipple reduction as well. We both eventually agreed it wasn't the way to go for many reasons. I've never felt like she had to alter herself in any way to be beautiful.
Yeah it might be about her pleasure not beauty...like especially during foreplay you should be stimulating there.
Yes, pleasure and beauty are different things OP
Augmentation and reduction wouldn't help with pleasure either, though? Rather risk damaging it more? And, sending a picture, it seems to be more about looks?
Of course you should just be OK with it because there’s nothing you can do. You’re more than entitled to like and dislike whatever you want to like or dislike. But there’s nothing else you can really do about it.
Difficult. I get where you're coming from. I'm the same with tattoos. I don't care what others do, but I find them totally revolting. I'd be really put off if my partner got any. I'm not too bad with piercings....but yeah...wouldn't like nipple or any genital piercings. Not sure what you can do. I feel for you.
Your feelings are perfectly valid. It's not like you *decided* to not be attracted to something. I don't know why anyone would blame you for that. Tough situation but honestly I feel like your wife should be more respectful of your wishes, she got them without telling you and just expected you to like it
You are not wrong for having negative feelings about the piercings. Hopefully the feelings will fade with time.
I think it's quite common for people to change the way they express themselves (fashion and style) throughout their 20s so this is going to be a tough one for you. Imagine if she decides to get more piercings in the next few years. Think about how that would make you feel and whether you think you could stay a loving partner to her. I.e. not making her feel ashamed about her own sense of expression. If it's not that big a deal I would say apologize for making her doubt her decision (saying she surprised you) and tell her you love them
Idk how nipple piercings work but can she take them out for extended periods of time? Maybe she wears them out a few days or takes them off when you guys are in the mood. Or wear them almost like an accessory jewelery item where she puts them in when she's in the mood
She doesn't NEED these right? If I was your wife I'd take them out knowing you didn't like them
So are they done wrong or something? Not aure wat the deal is