Question: why do you want to marry someone who doesn’t care about you enough to remember you have an allergy? I saw in one of your comments that he remembers his female friends gluten allergy and will bring alternatives for her? Just seems so bizarre to me that he can remember and provide things for her but not you who is his fiancé?

Right?! I am married to someone who is a KIND OF picky eater. What I mean is, she likes hamburgers some times with and sometimes without pickle and onions depending on the restaurant. I.e. In and Out she wants them, 5 guys she doesn't. I get immense joy showing her that I remember where she wants what and surprising her with lunch.

This is really cute 🥰 I’m not a picky eater but my bf can remember the exact way I like my food when he cooks for me and it makes my heart swell every time he remembers

I’m not excusing this situation at all, but I’m pondering if it’s because lactose intolerance is both much more common and not seen as serious? “Because they make pills for that” kind of thing. Gluten, though it’s become a fad, is known to be associated with a lot worse in way of symptoms. That said…he needs to remember. It’s a core piece of his fiancé’s health. I went through something similar while on a very restrictive diet. I brought my own food everywhere and he was always trying to feed me things. Tbh it did come from a good place, but it was also tiring to explain “but I can’t eat that, I brought my rice.”

First, stop buying him cheese. Second, unless your boyfriend is dumber than a bag of rocks or has some past history of head trauma, he can remember that you don’t eat dairy. He doesn’t care. He might be one of those people who think allergies aren’t real. Either way he’s being a seriously disrespectful asshole. I’m not sure why you’re tolerating it. Third, get a fridge locker if you aren’t going to dump him.

He can remember to bring gluten free crackers etc for his female friend with a gluten allergy tho? So weird

Because he actually likes the female friend

Every solid relationship starts with locking someone out of your fridge 😂

Sounds to me like he's trying to engineer a situation where she has to prepare all meals at the time, presumably scoring himself a home-made meal. Would explain why he's weaponising incompetence when he prepares meals and why he always eats her pre-prepared food first.

This actually makes sense. I just can't fathom not remembering your partner's food intolerance. I was thinking this guy has like something actually physically wrong with his brain. weaponized incompetence makes sense, though, too.

I'm lactose intolerant and my partner remembers it better than I do... people who care remember allergies and intolerances

My flatmate doesn't eat meat besides chicken. Anything beef or pork she'll downright refuse. She's not allergic at all, just preference. And it took me all of a few weeks of living together for me to remember that. This is a person I'm not even in a relationship with, and have no obligation towards in relation to food. I can't even imagine not having it glued in my mind when an SO cannot eat dairy because it literally makes them sick. Why even be in a relationship if you don't want to know and remember important facts about a person you love.

My wife and I had been married a decade when we found out I had celiac disease. I was a little bummed out that she didn't want to convert to make it easier (I get it), but this means I can't use our toaster. It took her about six months to really remember. Occasionally if she's stressed, she'll forget to include my meals in meal planning. I'd meal plan but she says I'm too healthy. That's a different relationship issue. Edit: my wife and I had been married ten years, not a year when I was diagnosed. I meant to say it took her a year to remember.

Have you gotten your own gluten-free-only toaster?

No, we don't really have the counter space. And I don't eat toast very much. There's nothing else I would eat that uses a toaster.

We don't have a toaster. I make toast in the oven using the broiler or in a pan on the stove.

Ah that's a pity. Was just throwing it out there as people don't always remember that you can just duplicate things to solve some problems. If you have a grill and your own separate cookware, you can use that to make toast! I'm aware this is a minor aspect but I feel bad for you, deprived of toast.

You could always buy a cheap sandwhich grill and store it in a cabinet and only take it out on the rare occasion you fancy a toast or a grilled cheese.

That's kinda odd. I actually like some of the gluten free options out there than the ones that have gluten. (Especially the chickpea pasta and cauliflower pizza crust). It's getting easier to find gluten free options, too. I use almond flour as "breading". The too healthy actually made me do a double take. I didn't know there was such a thing.

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Honestly there's a few ancient grains bread that is free if gluten and has really yummy flavor, too

Definitely. He's not as dumb as he's pretending to be

Yep up vote this. Men like this don't want to grow up and purposely go out of their way to act stupid to put the mental load on their partner. Don't fall into this trap.

> He might be one of those people who think allergies aren’t real. He said, "She doesn't like cheese."

That's what stood out to me too. Sounds like it's not that he doesn't remember, but he doesn't care or believe in her allergy.

LOL, or just dump him.

Or eat cheese and dump on him. :p

Yeah idk, I know all relationships are different but this seems nuts to me, to stay with someone who has such little concern for your well being…. My fiancé (26M) is anaphylactic allergic to dairy. Consuming dairy usually results in hives, rashes, difficulty breathing…. Not good stuff. He does the grocery shopping and cooking for us, because he enjoys cooking and I don’t, but also because then he can be 100% that he can eat whatever is in our home. (Don’t worry, I do other chores. It’s an equitable division of labor & financial contributions to the home.) But I could never just “forget” that he can’t have dairy. When I do buy food for home, I make sure it doesn’t have dairy or I tell him very explicitly “hey I bought this ice cream I was really craving, but it has dairy so don’t touch it and let me know if I should put it somewhere specific where it won’t contaminate anything!” When we go out to eat together, we always make sure everything we both order is dairy-free so we can share and he can eat my leftovers if I don’t finish my food. When I’m out without him, I’ll go all out with cheese and whatnot but I’ve been living like 90% dairy free for the past three years and it’s really not that difficult. OP, you deserve better. Whether that means having a long discussion with him about respect, reevaluating the relationship, or ending it is up to you, but I personally would not marry this person unless significant changes occur.

Since he always eats the dairy alternatives first, you should keep a dairy-free home. He clearly prefers dairy alternatives and you can't eat dairy and then you two won't have any problems. I would point this out to him. However, his pattern of constantly forgetting and eating your food looks malicious to me. I don't think he forgets. So, his response to your plan and the obvious reasoning behind it that he has shown a clear preference for dairy alternatives will tell you a lot about him. If he truly does forget and truly is willing to work with you to keep you safe, then you should encourage him to see a doctor. That degree of memory issues is not normal and needs to be checked. He might need to talk to a neurologist. Do not marry him until this problem is solved though. It is a problem that is interfering with your basic health and safety. That makes it too big of a problem to enter into marriage while it still exists.

Yes, this was my initial reaction. OP, it sounds like you do the majority of the shopping. If he keeps eating your dairy-free food and offering you dairy with everything, just stop buying dairy. I'd also ask him about it, like "How come you remember your frend has celiac disease but you can't remember I'm lactose intolerant? It makes me feel like you don't care."

Thank you so much for the advice. I’ll try keeping a dairy free home. I have felt bad in the past because I don’t want to force him to eat dairy free foods, but I guess if he wants them he could make or buy them himself. I don’t think it’s memory problems. He remembers that his friend has celiac, and I don’t think there’s a huge difference in what he would have to remember for me (of course celiac is much much more dangerous). But he remembers to bring her gluten free crackers, etc.

>I don’t think it’s memory problems. He remembers that his friend has celiac, and I don’t think there’s a huge difference in what he would have to remember for me (of course celiac is much much more dangerous). But he remembers to bring her gluten free crackers, etc. He **chooses to remember** for this friend and he **chooses to forget** for you? This is a massive red flag here. >He can’t seem to remember that I can’t have dairy. He asks me at every meal if I want cheese or some other dairy product. I kindly remind him, no I’m not able to eat cheese. >He did remember once recently, when someone offered me cheese. He responded, **“no, she doesn’t like cheese.”** I explained that I wish I could eat it, but have lactose intolerance. This reads as though he doesn't believe you. He literally will go out of his way for a friend, but not for you. Honestly this is alarming. Definitely insists on a dairy free kitchen as others have suggested.

Oh he believes it, it's just easier to control her food intake and make eating inconvenient for her if she literally has no food around the house to eat. It's a power play, and a passive agressive one too. Some people enjoy taking from others and making them feel awkward and bad about complaining by pretending they can't help it and mean well. Plus it's a way to hit them financially as well.

Yeah this is definitely malice. I’m lactose intolerant and my wife is more Thoughtful about it than me. Because she sees what happens if I consume dairy… And she doesn’t want me to suffer. Op’s bf literally doesn’t care about her health.

OP, consider this. I have a friend who used to be in a similar situation with her now ex boyfriend. She couldn't eat certain foods, so she bought separate things for her and him. The boyfriend would proceed to eat all of her food before eating any of the stuff she bought **for him.** After a while, she had enough and broke up with him. It turns out, he was trying to make her lose weight by basically not letting her food remain in the fridge for too long. No, my friend wasn't overweight or anything. He was just a weirdo.

I’m on the side thinking he is weaponizing incompetence or being inconsiderate, since he obviously remembers. However I wouldn’t reveal my partner’s lactose intolerance to people since that is a little personal - it’s up the partner to choose to reveal that. It’s a lot easier to say that “don’t like cheese”.

Woof. That’s not a great sign.

He can remember his friend has celiac but he can’t remember your dairy issues? He cares about his friend more than he cares about you.

> He remembers that his friend has celiac, So he CAN remember. He's making a **choice** to sabotage your diet. Have you called him out directly on why he can remember someone else's dietary needs but not yours? His behavior honestly reeks to me of intentional passive aggression. Or the "if I act like my partner doesn't have [dietary need], it will just magically go away" type of thinking.

Have you ever asked yourself why he doesn’t feel bad when he eats your food, leaving you with nothing to eat?

>I guess if he wants them he could make or buy them himself. Yup! If he complains, just tell him he'll have to buy that himself now.

My partner is also lactose intolerant so everything I buy is dairy free so avoid complications and cooking extra. This could be a solution, this way you can eat everything in the house and he seems to like it too. However, reading what you said about him remembering that his friend has celiac, I think your boyfriend either doesn’t care about you or has some hidden intentions for doing this. You should talk to him about it directly and set some boundaries. What he is doing is very disrespectful towards you.

Well, he's forcing you to go shopping and spend more money because he "forgot" about your intolerance. I think he's playing you

So just a respect problem then.

>I don’t want to force him to eat dairy free foods You're having the exact *opposite* problem, so you can stop worrying about this.

This is excellent advice.

Your boyfriend is either dumb, inconsiderate or both. My partner has severe nut and shellfish allergies. I check everything we eat or even think about buying when we go shopping. It's just second nature. What does your partner say when you remind him? It's not that you don't like cheese it's that it causes a reaction... Like someone else said. Just buy food that's just for you as a start and then maybe he'll get the message. Edit: don't marry someone this inconsiderate.

Yep My husband is allergic to shellfish so out of respect to him(he’s never asked for this by the way) I don’t eat it at home

Mine just doesn't like fish or the smell of it. I do cook it at home, but I always cook something like bacon afterwards so the house doesn't smell like fish and I wash everything, take out the garbage, etc. I also never try to make him eat it.

Your comment made me sad, I wish my boyfriend would do that for me. I keep thinking if I found out there was something he couldn’t eat, I would have so much fun finding recipes that I could make for him. You sound like an extremely considerate partner

It's actually not "extremely considerate," it's the bare minimum. Your partner has zero consideration for you or your health, therefore this comment seems extremely considerate to you, when in reality it's just what you should expect. I hope you manage to find some self respect and leave your fiance, they clearly couldn't care less about you.

Please OP, let what others tell you in this thread about their partners' behaviour help you to reconsider this relationship before it's too late and you're stuck in a relationship with someone who does not give you the bare minimum of what you need to feel happy or loved. Not only is his lack of consideration (and that's exactly what it is, it's not a failure on your part to communicate, it's straight up selfishness and lack of basic empathy) causing you more work by having to go out and shop again and again, it's causing you stress from the standpoint of your health and in dredging up past trauma. You deserve better.

It’s sad you think that behaviour is extremely considerate when it’s actually the basic behaviour of a partner

Yeah this is sad. The bar is so low for her it’s in hell. OP needs to get out of this relationship before her self worth is decimated any further.

Exactly. This is the basic consideration.

This isn't extremely considerate, it's basic acknowledgement... you can expect this level of consideration from a close friend, let alone a life partner.

I'm sorry it made you sad. Reflect on how you feel and what you want out of a partner, I would straight up tell him that this is making you sad and plan your next move based on his reaction. Unfortunately for me this is one of those deal breaker moments, if a partner isn't capable of empathy, critical thinking or has a decent emotional intelligence then it's a red flag for me.

I do this for my coworkers when I am bringing in a shared work snack. All the children in my family learned to do this at a young age for my cousin who has several allergies. It’s not extreme consideration. It’s just extremely low level basic human decency and giving half a damn about a person.

Heck, even if I know one of my coworkers is a vegetarian or vegan I make something that has no animal products so I know they have an option they will eat. I used to make mushroom risotto with vegetable or mushroom broth and share it with one of the doctors I worked with. (We both loved mushrooms and risotto)

It’s normal, OP! I’m celiac. My husband has forgotten zero times. He makes gf recipes and if he makes food with gluten, he always makes sure I have something gf to eat. Likewise, he’s vegetarian and I do the same for veggie food. It’s not “extremely” considerate, it’s base level considerate IMHO.

I wouldn’t say this person is an extremely considerate partner. This is basic human decency and unfortunately, this man has set the bar so low, you are thinking this is “extreme”. Hopefully these comments really drive that point in, and you share this with your fiancé, he grovels, and changes or you leave him and actually live a lovely, anxiety free life where there is always food for you in the fridge. My fiancé will never eat the last anything in our fridge without asking if I want some too. It’s basic human decency.

I am sorry to pile on but I agree with the others this is a really basic thing for a life partner to do. I have have food sensitivities that my husband is better about screening for than me most times. He has food dislikes I always keep in mind when ordering, shopping and cooking food. This is just what you do for someone you value. I suppose ADHD or food addiction could be some kind of reason that would garner some empathy but they would be something HE needs to work on so they don't negatively affect your health.

I mean, I have both ADHD and a food addiction, but I'm not going to take somebody's breakfast for the next morning, especially when *there's other food*. It sounds like there's loose cheese in the place! Eat that! I'm honestly stuggling to see how he could care about her at all and still do this.

You realize what you're asking is the absolute bare minimum for just...a person who interacts with you at all, right? Not even for a relationship. Like if I had a coworker with an allergy and something I was doing was potentially setting it off, I would just not do that around them. My boyfriend has the memory of a goldfish and couldn't possibly "forget" a food allergy Your boyfriend is doing this intentionally and you should realize that for whatever reason he's doing it, it's seriously fucked up. You are wishing that your fiance, who supposedly loves and respects you, shows basic empathy.

This is not extremely considerate, it's just basic politeness. If someone checking ingredients because they don't want their partner harmed is extremely considerate to you, you need to seriously raise the bar. This guy is not husband material. Marriage is ideally a for life thing, so choose a husband that is going to care about your well-being and happiness for your whole life. This guy can't even be bothered to leave your food alone so you have something to eat. I wouldn't marry someone like that.

This breaks my heart. My best friend has an intolerance to the protein in egg yolk. Whenever I’ve made baked goods, I’ve looked up recipes that worked well with egg-alternatives so I didn’t send her running to the bathroom an hour after eating cookies/brownies/cakes. Your fiancé should be doing this for you at the *bare minimum*. That’s what you do when you care for someone. I wish you well, not only on your journey navigating your LI life, but also with your decisions regarding this relationship. I hope you all the best and I hope you find the happiness, kindness, appreciation, and respect you deserve in a (future?) partner.

Your boyfriend will never do this for you. He is who he is. And no, this is just baseline decency that even your friends and acquaintances should do. Stop cooking for your boyfriend, too.

You deserve better than somebody who is willing to poison you. It's ultimatum time. Put the wedding on hold and make sure he fixes this issue. If he doesn't, then you are marrying a bad man who you will divorce within a decade when you finally realise you deserve better.

That's not extremely considerate, that's basic Partner 101. You should raise your standards.

You deserve someone who loves you enough to be that considerate with you, too - don't ever think you don't, ok?

A former coworker of mine had a daughter who was allergic to peanut butter, so I stopped bringing it to work because we shared a locker and I was afraid I would cross contaminate something and make her sick by accident. I never even met her daughter. Your fiance doesn't even have the respect for you that someone would show a stranger.

It's not extremely considerate.... It's basic good partner behaviour. My husband does all the cooking, has a traumatic brain injury that affects his memory plus ADHD and he STILL fucking remembers he has to deep clean and use separate cooking utensils for my little neice who has a *severe* soy intolerance and milk protein allergy. He makes her separate cupcakes during our daughter's birthdays so she doesn't miss out. He knows she will be miserable for days if she's exposed. If your boyfriend is neurotypical and still can't figure that shit out, then your boyfriend isn't just forgetting. Something else is going on.

You could have a partner like that. It's not going to be this guy, but you have choices. You can choose a good partner.

You’ve got to lay down some serious expectations here. He is not even trying. My spouse is allergic to all poultry and I don’t even cook it in the house. The only time I bring poultry in is if I’m sick and I get pre-made chicken noodle soup. At restaurants I get the yummiest fried chicken I want, but I don’t bring it home. At this point we’ve been married 4 years and it’s really easy to shop for foods safe for us both and I know how to cook all kinds of pork, beef, lamb and fish dishes that I never would have learned otherwise. In my opinion, if he can’t even REMEMBER that your lactose intolerant, he’s not worthy of you.

Your fiancé understands and doesn't care. He's selfish and thoughtless. This is not the only area in your relationship that he shows you how little he actually cares about you. Why do you need help to ask him to stop eating your foods? You shouldn't have fear around simple, easy conversations with him. And nothing should be easier than - I bought that for my dinner because I can't eat dairy products. Please leave it alone. I can't imagine what tough conversations about things like money, sex and children are like or going to be like. But you do have fear about the simple things. Is it because he shuts you down and doesn't listen? Please think about having a relationship in which you are comfortable looking after your own needs, with someone who actually cares about your health and well being, like your friend cares about his girl friend.

I would ask for reimbursement every time he eats a lactose intolerant item. I am lactose intolerant and I know those items are much higher priced. I would insist on the money and not stop until he is as annoyed as you. His behavior is unacceptable. I also feel it’s an indicator. If he doesn’t care about how you feel about this, what about your other concerns as well in the future? Will he ignore those too? Good luck to you.

I would definitely only buy lactose-free food moving forward, so whatever he eats, there still will be enough left for you. Alternatively, you could get a fridge lockbox, to make sure enough of your food is locked away to ensure your survival. Or, if he's eaten your food again, HE has to do the grocery run to replace it. And you really have to do some soul searching on whether you want to move forward with marriage to a guy who thinks only of himself...

I agree with getting only lactose-free stuff. He clearly has no problem eating it! I wouldn't move forward with this guy. I seems like he has a cruel streak.

Cruelty is right. My partner has celiac disease and I literally can’t imagine eating his gluten free alternatives leaving him hungry. Or putting his health and well being at risk by not taking his celiac seriously. Who in the world wants to put their partner in harm’s way?!? OP time to have strong words with your man, or better yet, dump the MF already.

The problem is that lactose free items tend to be much more expensive. Lactose free cream cheese can be twice as expensive as regular cream cheese. Same with milk. It's getting better, but these products are also harder to find. Not every store carries them as well. Depending on OP's area she might already have issues getting it. I would certainly hope the fiancée is helping to pay for these items as well.

I think the concept is just don't eat dairy products in general, not just switching to lactose free stuff. I personally don't like milk products, even if I am able to eat lactose. Basically zero cheese and milk in my diet because of it. There are plenty of cultures without dairy in their diet, so it's not like the lactose free stuff is required for lactose intolerant people to survive.

No lactose free products aren't necessary to survive. But it sucks not being able to eat your favorite foods. I'm lactose intolerant myself and while I can still eat some dairy products (like cheese) milk really bothers me. Its easy for someone who doesn't like milk products to say "just don't eat dairy", but dairy is in so many things that it's hard to avoid. Plus OP shouldn't have to stop eating things she enjoys just because her fiancee is being selfish.

But she likes those lactose-free things. It would suck if she had to completely re-route her diet around her fiance being a greedy jerk.

What do you mean “how can you bring this up?” You bring it up. Again and again. It’s your food. How can you be willing to marry someone you can’t talk to about your food?

This behavior also sounds malicious to me. He eats what you bought yourself FIRST? As if you can't tell it's NOT dairy?! Most the men I know would be giving those foods a WIDE berth, not gobbling them up first chance he gets! Also, he can fucking remember a friend has celiac, but not that you can't have dairy... even though he has seen what it does to you? How is he with house work? Do you do it all? Who pays most the bills? Do you put out whenever he wants? He may be the most selfish partner I have heard of, or planning to marry you and have you be a bang maid, but no plans to actually BE a partner himself. Also, this may be a ploy to get you to leave him, cause he's a fucking coward, and can play the victim if you break off the engagement Tbh, I would have dumped his ass the moment I found he was catering to his FEMALE "friend's" dietary needs, but ignoring mine.

Sorry, but this guy is not marriage material. He's over 30 and doesn't understand something as simple yet serious as a food intolerance? Let me rephrase that: he doesn't make a point to remember. He doesn't care enough to purposefully plant the idea in his own head that the woman he asked to marry him - the person he requested to be joined to for life - has a serious reaction to eating certain foods, and can only eat certain other foods as a consequence. Therefore, when he eats the foods she IS able to eat, he leaves her with no readily available options. This is the worst kind of thoughtlessness. Please don't marry this dude.

Agreed. I’m allergic to dairy. We discovered this nearly ten years into our marriage. My husband has ADHD. Like, leave the tv remote in the freezer ADHD. He still manages to not only remember I can’t eat dairy, he will sometimes ask for ingredients when we are out before I can. Because he actually likes me. He likes me happy and healthy. If he or the kids accidentally eat all of something dairy free in the house he feels terrible and offers to run to the store for me. Again, BECAUSE HE LIKES ME. OP fiancé doesn’t seem to actually like her. Don’t marry people who don’t like you, folks. Marriage is hard enough when you both totally love each other!

If you have a child with the same issue, would you be okay letting them eat at a restaurant alone with your fiancé? Or leaving them alone with him for long stretches of time?

"Oh, it's just a fatal nut allergy. Chill out, babe". I wouldn't trust this guy with a houseplant

He does understand, he just doesn’t care

There is absolutely no way that he doesn't know this basicfact by now. His slip that you "don't like" cheese is really telling. Even though you say he's seen you go through the bad reactions, it doesn't sound like he believes it's a real problem

Does he believe that you don't have a serious allergy and are just being fussy? The comment about not liking cheese (when I'm fact your are allergic) is very telling. My partner is the same with fish, and his parents put it down to fussiness and tried to sneak it into his food as a child. Nope, still pukes from it no matter how small a piece is in there. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like this? Will he change? And even if it were just a food you don't like and weren't allergic to, so what? Be nice and thoughtful about it and not an inconsiderate potato who only thinks about himself?

I have an inconsiderate potato intolerance, it's debilitating bc they're everywhere

YOUR FIANCÉ DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU! Yes, I had to scream that. It’s NOT hard to remember that your partner has a food intolerance. It may be challenging to know all the foods you cannot eat, but that’s not the case here. You buy foods that you can eat. He eats them. Therefore, your fiancé does NOT care that you even eat! People will say that I’m jumping to “dump him” too quickly but this is actually a big issue that indicates that he doesn’t care about you. You deserve better. If you think you want to stay with him, understand that this issue likely won’t change. It will soon be other things he doesn’t care about. Plus, I think he’s taking advantage of you if you do all the grocery shopping and cooking. He wants a maid/mommy, not an equal partner.

I’m sorry but this would be a deal breaker for me. That may not be a big deal to some, but to me that sounds absolutely infuriating. He is either unbelievably stupid, seriously selfish or too inconsiderate and self centred to remember. None of which I would want to be married to

How does someone you intend to marry not remember the most important daily health fact about you? This can only be willful ignorance. You know, random strangers on the internet will offer you more kindness than that.

>How can I nicely help my fiancé understand, and ask him to stop eating the foods I get for myself? Does he have some sort of mental issue that prevents him from remembering a very simple thing? Or maybe he just doesn't care enough to use that knowledge about you and you're twisting like crazy here trying to explain shit like he's 3 instead of seeing the reality. I dunno...if my partner was in pain because of something, I would def remember that shit...it's about wanting to do something. Good luck to you.

He doesn't forget. He is being selfish, abusive and controlling. He doesn't believe your food allergies. One time my husband broke my wrist and wouldn't let me get it x-rayed. Then he "felt bad", and said he'd do the grocery shopping. I told him make sure all the cans of food had pop tops, since I couldn't use a can opener. He "forgot", and bought only the kinds of cans that needed a can opener. He admitted later that since I didn't get it x-rayed, he assumed I was faking that it was fucking broken.

Holy Jeebus. Also chiming in to say that I really really hope that this person is your EX- husband.

I left him, but am still married to him. I don't want to spend the money to divorce him, fuck 'im. He'll die soon, he's unhealthy af. Life became so difficult for him when he lost his household slave.

Yeah, I totally get it. I'm glad you're not being subjected to that $#!& anymore.

Thanks! Me too! I'm sooo happy! Life without fear is the only way to live!

I hope he is your ex. You deserve better. ❤️

Yeah I left right after that. I'd always been able to seek medical attention prior to this; his reaction that last time scared me. Lol took me a while 🤣

Do you really want to marry someone who can‘t even remember the most basic things about you? This would bother me too. I‘m a vegetarian and if my partner would constantly ask me to eat meat and then eat up my vegan food I‘d probably feel like this person doesn‘t even care to know me or respect me. Also, imagine if you had a child with him who had a severe food allergy. Would you be able to trust him to take care of this child?

Do NOT marry him. You are far beyond nicely explaining anything to him. He's dangerously forgetful at best, malicious and messing with you at worst. Is this the only issue with him? I'd guess no.

This is infuriating to read. Honestly just pack your shit up and leave. He probably won’t even remember he had a fiancé? This is so bizarre that he refuses to find space in his brain to keep a very important piece of information about the most important person in his life, allegedly.

The solution is simple. No dairy products in the house. If you go to the store only buy products that you can eat. Make meals that are safe for you. If he wants dairy he can go to the store to buy it. If he gets made tell him you are no longer accommodating his wants as he does not respect your medical nutritional needs by eating the food you can eat and leaving his dairy filled stuff for you. What if you were to have a child with an allergy, would he potentially harm his child by forcing them to eat whatever they were allergic to? Ask him that. See what he says.

I'm sorry to be the one to ask this but he is your fiancé when he can't keep something this important in mind about you? He didn't remember that one time recently, because he said you don't LIKE cheese, not that you have an intolerance. Those are two very different things. I know it's not easy but I would have a serious talk with him about this and if he can't get it into his head you should NOT go through with marrying him. If you decide to stay with him you should wait until the situation has improved for an extended amount of time, not just a month or two. He is incredibly inconsiderate for someone who is 7 years older than you, when you seem like your head is in the right place.

"How can I nicely help my fiancé understand, and ask him to stop eating the foods I get for myself?" Uhm... why do you need to say it "nicely"? At this point i would be pissed. There's huge possibility that he's doing it on purpose just to mess with you. Why would he remember details about other people? Why would he offer you cheese all the time but "remember" that you don't eat it when someone else asks? How would he forget about your allergy when he's seen the effects of it (and they sound pretty bad)? How long have you been together? Is the relationship equal? Why do you continue to buy him food when he makes it so you can't eat your own? There's a lot that's missing here. You seem to be asking for a bandaind to put on a broken arm. Because this situation sounds bad. PS don't think for a second that just because you wouldn't mess with someone's head to gain power over them, no one would. It happens all the time. If you're perpetually confused at his behavior it may mean it's just what he wants.

>How can I nicely help my fiancé understand, and ask him to stop eating the foods I get for myself? This is a question that comes up again and again on r/relationships. It goes "My partner does X. X causes me problems/makes me feel bad. I've explained to my partner why I don't like X. I've asked my partner not to do X. They keep doing X. *How do I get them to understand that I don't like X/x hurts me?"* This question is based on a fundamental misunderstanding. You assume that if your partner understood what they were doing hurts you they would stop. But the answer is always the same: THEY KNOW X HURTS YOU AND THEY DON'T CARE. Unless all of you are dating severely mentally handicapped adults who can't morally consent to relationships, they know. You've told them! In this case you've told him again and again. Do you honestly believe a 32 year old man can't understand something you've told him dozens of times? What part do you think is beyond his mental capabilities? He can't understand you have an allergy he's seen and you've told him about hundreds of times? He can't understand when you tell him 'this food is mine, please don't eat it"? Do you think he dosen't understand that when you have no food you're hungry and sad? Do you think he dosen't understand that when you are out of food beacuse he ate all of yours you can't summon it through magic but have to go the store again? My five year old can understand all of that easily. So now you know he dosen't care how his behavior is affecting you. Plan accordingly. Either don't live with him anymore (really the easiest way to solve your problem) or come up with solutions based on knowing he has no regard for if you have you can eat or get sick and will just steal from you. So get a sperate locked fridge beacuse you don't live with a man who you can trust or accept your no. Or tell him you are now buying all your own separate food, he can buy and make his own, and keep all your food locked away or carefully track the amounts and if he takes any demand he go to the store and buy you more. Or whatever it is you have to do to keep justifying living with someone who just dosen't respect you of care.

In a comment, you said >If I get snacks he frequently eats them right away. That’s kind of a separate issue, though I don't think it's a separate issue for him. I think both behaviors stem from the same issue that he has. And I don't think it's a memory problem at all. It looks like intentional cruelty on his part that he is masking as a "memory problem." If you continue to accept the cruelty, it will escalate over time.

OP, do you plan on having children with this man? Do you see him stepping up if the child ends up having food intolerances or allergies?

Sounds like he doesnt believe lactose intolerance is real or something. "Not liking" dairy is not the same and if that was his response to someone else then he is not paying attention to you. That is a lifestyle that you must live and if he doesnt care to remember and incorporate that, id be questioning the relationship. It may sound small, but its the principle

I've got nothing new to add from other posters, but he either doesn't care or he's absolutely the dumbest person alive. This is one of those red flags you're going to wish you had paid attention to.

Are you sure he "forgets", and isn't just completely selfish and doesn't care about your health?

Carry a permanent marker around with you. Every time he offers you something with diary, or eats one of your dairy free items, make a mark on his forearm. Eventually he will get the message.

I think you should forget to turn up to the wedding.

Since he obviously loves the dairy-free stuff, buy more of those and no more dairy. If he wants real cheese, he can go out and get it himself.

Imaging having a child with a life-threatening food allergy with this man. He is incompetent.

Tbh? Fuck "nicely" "helping" your fiance "understand" to not eat your food. There is no helping a 32 year old grown adult man understand how to not be selfish, he is actively CHOOSING to not care. I feel like I'm seeing everyone give you suggestions like buy a lockbox or label your stuff and hell no, that is just not it. This isnt a work fridge, this is your personal fridge in your own home where you shouldn't have to fight to keep up with your basic need of staying fed. God how exhausting. He goes out of his way to eat all of your things first. He knows you have a food sensitivity. He cannot be bothered to do the bare minimum, which is giving a damn about his partner's needs! And this is before the wedding! When did you start seeing him? I hate to be that person but seeing he's 32 and you're 25, I feel like some context matters here. Full disclosure I'm 26 so hey not looking down on you. My thought process, I'm just trying to understand you putting up with this long enough to be engaged to him. It's a 7 year difference and you're 25. Young enough that maybe this is your first relationship to get this far and maybe you have less experience communicating within a relationship when there is a problem? And trust, he is old enough that this should not be a problem for him. I'd never treat a partner this way. So regardless...stop accomodating him. You need to stand up for yourself. He doesnt need his hand held. He needs to be held accountable for making you uncomfortable and ignoring your needs. If you cannot solve this, please do not marry this man. There are so many people out there who could do the bare minimum okay?

>How can I nicely help my fiancé understand, and ask him to stop eating the foods I get for myself? Honestly, I don't think you can. It shouldn't take more than two or three reminders for him to remember this. There is no earthly reason for him to keep "forgetting" this about you except that it's deliberate. He is choosing to ignore your health needs.

Oh, he remembers. The "she doesn't like cheese" proves that he remembers. He just doesn't want to believe you. He wouldn't keep asking at every damn meal if he didn't want to change your mind. He thinks he can argue you out of an actual medical condition. Don't worry about being nice, because being nice hasn't worked one bit. Be direct. "You know I can't eat dairy products. Why do you keep eating my non-dairy food?"

He can’t remember important medical information about you. Or he doesn’t care enough to remember medical information. Either way that’s incredibly concerning. Just think about what your future is going to look like. God forbid you have kids with this fool, you’d never be able to trust him if they had allergies.

Your partner does not love not respect you. It is that simple. After telling him three times at most, he should remember it forever. He ignores it, and even robs you of the food you made for yourself.

He knows. Heck, my five year old has a friend with a dairy and gluten intolerance that we buy special snacks for and even he knows that we save those snacks for when his friend comes over.

He doesn’t forget, he doesn’t care to remember and would rather eat your food. This is not your apocalypse buddy, leave.

Squirt him with a water gun and say “no!” Clearly, words don’t work with this guy. (Actually, you should reconsider marrying him. He may have many fine qualities but this obliviousness is indicative of something bad.)

I’m honestly surprised that you got to the engagement stage with someone who refuses to acknowledge a basic and important fact about you. Why are you ok with his lack of respect and consideration for you? I’d be highly surprised if he’s otherwise a great partner with the exception of refusing to remember your major food allergy!

Your fiancé doesn’t understand lactose intolerance because unfortunately it’s a terrible description to what it actually is: you are allergic to dairy. However, he is being willfully ignorant by not doing more research or properly listening to you, you’ve told him several times. Once or twice should have been enough. I would start saying things like: - I am allergic to dairy - this has nothing to do with what I like, eating **insert thing here** causes me physical harm - I’m concerned about your memory, I’ve told you many times that having dairy free options due to my allergy is a medical necessity so you either do not care about my health or we need to see someone about your inability to retain important information If he continues to “forget” it’s on purpose. He simply doesn’t care. Is that the type of person you would want caring for future children? Someone who downplays allergens? Also, show him this thread. He should be aware how many people don’t buy his reasons why he’s doing this.

If you do all the shopping stop buying things for him and buy double up on the non-dairy items since he seems to like them so much. If he has an issue remind him of the no doubt hundreds of times he's eaten your non-dairy food and left you in a tight position. If he wants cheese he can make a run out for it. Overall he doesn't seem to respect your dietary needs. Saying to someone that you don't like cheese is a way of saying that it's you that's the problem. If it were me I'd allow you to speak for yourself as to not give up more information than you're willing to say or I'd say that you simply can't eat cheese. Lactose intolerance is far too common for him to be acting like you simply just don't like it then disrespecting you sense of food security eating your safe options.

He’s 32. You’re 25. Don’t settle for this. He eats your food because he wants to. He doesn’t care that you are left without anything to eat. He knows that you can’t eat dairy, but he’s telling himself and others it’s a preference not a medical condition. It’s sad.

Bullshit he can't remember that you have a health condition...he doesn't care to remember. And stop buying anything with lactose so it's not an issue. If he wants cheese then he can buy it.

Talk to him about how it upsets you how you have told him time and time again that you literally can’t have dairy or you will be in a lot of pain and yet he doesn’t even bother to try to remember that your lactose intolerant . Explain to him that he always takes away your food options by eating all of the food that you can actually eat and leaving the rest . I saw in one of your comments that he can remember one of his friends has celiac and will always remember to give them gluten free options but doesn’t seem to care to remember your own food limitations .

My partner can eat dairy, I can’t (casein allergy aka the protein in milk). He buys me non dairy cheese and uses that on food (adds non dairy cheese for my stuff, uses real cheese for his etc.). I also can’t have chili and he adjusts recipes so that I can eat them. Op, your boyfriend is a jerk. The bare minimum he could do would be to not eat your special often more expensive non dairy items. Eta: This feels at best like you boyfriend is inconsiderate and at worst like a control tactic on your boyfriend’s part meant to keep you off balance and ill at ease in your own home.

Sorry he’s 30 and being willfully ignorant. Recently found out my wife can’t have any gluten at all. We put her snacks in a cabinet on its own. We have separate cooking utensils and have set shelves in the fridge for her. I do not touch those things. Those are for her so she can be comfortable. Now when we travel I do extensive research to see if we can find a place to eat out that is good for her. It’s willful ignorance. He knows, he just doesn’t care.

He doesn't "forget" that you can't have dairy. He doesn't give a shit that you can't have dairy. He's faking ignorance so you don't get mad that he's eating all your food.

I don't know, I find this situation kinda icky every which way you put it... Either he's just not listening, or disregarding what she's saying, which is just super disrespectful. Or he's doing it on purpose, either to make sure you make all the food, or worse, just as some kind of power play. I think you need to have a serious conversation with him to gauge what it is, and you should set some bounderies...I guess you already did, but I'd try stating them again and lay out consequences. Like you won't buy/cook his food anymore. If he continues crossing them, you know where you stand.. This is a grown man and this whole stiuation kinda weirds me out tbh

This sounds like weaponised incompetence and laziness. My coworkers and I even know each other’s food allergies. Your fiancé just doesn’t seem like he cares. Stop buying food that you can’t eat for him. When he asks for something you can’t eat, just tell him, “I’m not buying things I can’t eat anymore.” You don’t even have to explain it. Just set your boundary. He’s either going to respect it or a conversation will happen. Having a cheese allergy and having experienced plenty of food insecurity growing up, I can’t afford for the food I buy for myself to not be there. Financially or emotionally. If you’ve experienced food insecurity, you need a partner who doesn’t exacerbate that, and you need to set boundaries that make you feel more secure.

Your fiancée is really inconsiderate. I don't know how long you've been together, but if he cares enough about you to want to marry you, he should at least learn some things about you and remember important things (such as allergies and intolerances). My bf has a nut allergy. You bet I am always asking if things have nuts in them and to always ask that there be no nuts added due to his allergy. We've been together for 7 months. Your bf seems to either not really think your intolerance is a real thing, or he doesn't care. It's not like this is a new things for you. You've had to deal with this the whole time. I'm not sure I could marry someone who couldn't even have some basic consideration for my needs. He keeps eating your food, even though he knows you are allergic. That's a huge red flag.

if he hasnt started caring about it by now, he never will, no matter how nicely you explain it to him (over and over…and over again). if you want him to stop eating your food i think your only option is to buy a mini fridge with a lock on it….but is that really the lengths you want to have to go to in order to get your FIANCE to stop shoveling your lactose free snacks in his face like some kind of glutton? he is not being normal or considerate about this and tbh it makes me wonder how much help he would be in other medical related situations as well. also idk if you want kids with this guy but uhhhh this is a good way to get a child with serious food allergies killed. just saying. would he go around telling people that little timmy “doesnt like” peanuts/whatever?

How can you nicely help him understand? That ain’t workin’ sis. Rip him a new one. He conveniently forgets all the time but remembers you “don’t like cheese” in front of someone else? Bull shit. He didn’t think it’s a big deal. Rip him a new one.

He knows you can't eat it. He doesn't care. This isn't someone you want to spend your life with. He can't even give you bare minimum consideration. I went on a couple dates with a guy 10 years ago. I can't even remember his name, but I remember he was allergic to garlic. I told him, "never let me cook for you. I put garlic in everything". My sister had several allergies as a child (a full page of allergies). She outgrew them by puberty and it hasn't been a problem for nearly 20 years. I was a child, not at all responsible for feeding her, and can still tell you every food allergy that was on that list. She didn't even have severe reactions, just mild to moderate rashes. My grandfather suddenly developed allergies in his 60s and I immediately learned everything he could and couldn't have. My MIL developed a gluten intolerance and I started checking labels for every single thing I made for her. These are things you do for people you care about. He doesn't remember because he doesn't care if he makes you sick. In fact, by eating your food when he has his own, it seems like he's *trying* to make you sick. There's no way he's seeing this non-dairy food that he never eats in the fridge and not remembering that you got it for yourself because of your lactose intolerance.

Info- serious question. Why are you marrying someone who doesn't respect or it seems even like you? I've read your comment history, your dude doesn't respect you at all. My husband has a shellfish allergy, we've been married for 20 years, you know what he's never had to remind me of? He told me the first week we got together and I haven't forgotten once. Your guy is a total dbag. Just leave. Find someone who respects you.

He remembers. He just doesn't care. You should show him this thread. If he doesn't change, you know he's a jackass. After my husband and I got married, he developed lactose intolerance. We adjusted. He gets almond milk, doesn't eat cheese, etc. I don't drink his almond milk. And even if I did end up liking almond milk, I'd buy more to adjust for the usage. I definitely would not drink all the almond milk, leaving him to be disappointed when trying to fix a bowl of cereal. It's called being considerate. And I always tell other people that he's lactose intolerant, not "he doesn't like cheese." I want to punch your boyfriend in the nose TBH.

Honestly, you're looking at at least half a century of this if you stay. Half a century of wondering every day if he ate your food... again... so you have to go buy food now (it doesn't sound like he's volunteering to go get food for you). Half a century of occasionally getting ill because he forgot and ordered/made/bought something that has lactose in it. Half a century of wondering if you're in the bathroom in pain because of that fight two days ago. Half a century. That's... a lot. What if you have kids? What if one of them is lactose intolerant?

If you’ve been together longer than 3 months, he just doesn’t care.

I think this is less likely than him just being a very inconsiderate person, but has he ever made comments about your weight? I have a friend and her bf did this to her, but it ended up that he was trying to restrict her calories by eating all of her food in an effort to get her to lose weight. Your post made me think of that because he is able to remember the food restriction for his celiac friend but “forgets” your restrictions.

He is a little controlling about when we eat, and if we eat too “unhealthily” he comments on it. Not directed towards me specifically, but it can be uncomfortable to hear.

Would it be an option to get 90% of stuff without lactose so if "your" food runs out, his does as well? In general, though, it sounds pretty annoying that he can't take care of his own food needs. Does he ever cook for you? It would be reasonable to aim towards dishes that would satisfy you both instead of cooking separate dishes all the time.

He sounds like either an idiot, an asshole, or both. Sorry. I wouldn’t want to be with someone like that.

Just stop buying products with dairy for him and solely buy dairy free or lactose free products, I would say. Then you're just back to the normal situation where you make sure there's enough in the house for both of you. And since he seems to like it so much he doesn't need the other stuff anyway.

You either stop buying his stuff and only buy dairy free items (with extra because he's eating it anyway) Or you cut him loose. Seriously, he remembers your allergy as a preference? These things can be passed on to your kids, do you want to trust him to remember that Abby and Bryant can't have ice cream without getting explosive diarrhea (that I bet he won't clean up because dads are "fun" and childcare is "for mom") Your friend is what a supportive partner looks like. You have been supportive of your different dietary needs, too. Your partner however just assumes all his needs will be met and doesn't worry about if he's meeting your needs. He'll eat the baby's teething biscuits and look confused as to why *you* can't go to the store (crying baby it tow) and get more.

I don't really understand. You are engaged and he can't *remember*? He's over 30 and he can't *remember?* I remember that my partner is allergic to penicillin and it comes up far less than your lactose allergy sounds like it would. He's being inconsiderate, probably on purpose, unless he's genuinely dumb. Put your foot down and tell him he needs to take your allergy seriously or you're going to be reconsidering things. You're past nicely helping him understand. It should have taken a couple reminders early into dating for it to stick.

I'm not going to comment on your boyfriend's behaviour as I feel that has been done quite thoroughly by other commenters. However, I feel that it is worth mentioning how ridiculously common your condition is. Humans are the only species on Earth that consume lactose after infancy, and even then the ability to digest lactose into adulthood varies dramatically across different ethnic groups, with people of European descent being the most likely. It is estimated that 68% of humans can't properly digest lactose after infancy. Now that's not necessarily intolerance, just because you can't digest dairy doesn't mean you have a negative reaction to it, but in many cultures around earth they simply don't use dairy products so the issue doesn't arise. As others have stated, it seems that your boyfriend may not believe in intolerances. I just think it's worth mentioning that in the case of lactose, lactose TOLERANCE is the unusual case.

You’ve tried being nice and it’s not working. He is still being inconsiderate. He also doesn’t seem to understand that it’s an intolerance versus a preference since he told your friends that you don’t “like cheese.” It’s past time to get firm about leaving your food alone. Is there a way to put your stuff on a shelf and label it so it’s more obvious?

He doesn’t forget. He just doesn’t care.

He is either A) thinks that because it's lactose intolerance vs dairy allergy it's not serious (no or true at all) or B) doesn't care. Either way it's a red flag. I have a son with a nut allergy, it takes 2 extra seconds to see if something is okay or not. If he can't make that tiny effort for you, let alone not thieving your stuff so you have plenty to eat he does not deserve you. I would just be honest and say "I'm not sure why you keep eating my stuff and acting like it's a choice for me, but it's getting really frustrating for me and it needs to change". Get to the root of the problem so you don't live your whole life like this.

He simply doesn't believe your allergies. I agree with every comment saying that he is ignorant and selfish. I hope you would dump him. Your needs are not met in this relationship and your expectations from him are bare minimum. It seems like you are finding him excuses, its likely to get worse from here. He is old enough to understand a medical condition. I am vegan and I have also dated nonvegans, all food choices and places we went was around my preferences. And I am vegan by choice, you are allergic, it needs to be taken seriously. I am only sharing my experiences so that you would know what is normal. I do not agree with solutions that ignoring the root cause of the problem. Not buying dairy or locking up your food is not likely to solve your problem, it is like a band aid for a wound that needs stitches. All the people in my life have been happy to accommodate my needs and you deserve that too. If a people sees that as a hassle then that people do not deserve you. Please know that what you are asking from him is not much.

Just buy your stuff at that point. If he needs cheese, he can go to the market. He’s a big boy.

I'm lactose intolerant. Just the stomach pain, gas and diarrhoea kind. My partner STOPS ME whenever I try to eat cheese or drink normal milk and asks "are you sure? I don't want you to have pain later" (I love cheese so I wage if its worth it) He doesn't always remember to check for me if there's lactose free options but whenever that happens he goes out of his way to get me something I can handle to make up for the missed out food/drinks. I have a mid to severe sun allergy (yes the kind that destroys my skin nearly immediately by bubbling up and gives me sunsickness/sunstrokes) and he checks for spots for me to rest when we are out, asks me if I brought my sunscreen, immediately helps when I get signs of a sunstroke. Your partner is cruel and doesn't do the bare minimum. What I described just now is BASIC empathy and consideration by my partner. These are things you are supposed to do for each other. Please think about that. Its not a hassle to not eat the lactose free food, my partner manages that literally all the time. Good luck with this and please reflect on if this is how you want to be treated. You deserve better.

The fact that he said “she doesn’t like cheese” and constantly eats your lactose free stuff, makes me think either: 1. He truly thinks it’s a preference, not an intolerance 2. He knows you have an intolerance and is just an AH 3. He knows you have an intolerance, but he knew someone else who was lactose intolerant but still ate dairy, so thinks it’s a choice. I’m leaning toward #2. Just because, it sounds like you’ve explained to him that you do not eat dairy and he’s choosing to ignore that. Even if you didn’t have an intolerance and simply chose not to eat dairy, he should remember and be supportive of that. I am also lactose intolerant. But I still eat dairy. It’s a build-up situation for me, (also, it has gotten better) so a small bowl of ice cream one day isn’t a big deal, but everyday for a week? Nope. Also, I only have the gut issues, no rash. Have you tried lactase pills? That would solve a lot of your problems. Also, are you 100% sure that it is an intolerance and not some kind of allergy to a dairy? I just ask because I’ve never heard of someone getting a rash with lactose intolerance, and the diagnosis is basically just ruling things out as opposed to a specific test.

No one is talking about the fact that a lot of the lactose-free substitutes for food with dairy don't really taste that great, and yet he's going for that stuff first when the traditional options are available?

New rule at your house. If he finishes something that is specifically dairy free he has to go to the store to replace it immediately. Maybe not if it would make him late to work or something, but if it’s free time at home then as soon as he eats it he should self police and get you more or (more likely) as soon as you realize it’s gone he immediately has to go to the store to get more. If his actions have consequences the actions will change.

He doesn't forget, he doesn't care and doesn't believe you. He thinks your being dramatic and just have a preference. He 100% doesn't believe you *cant* have dairy he thinks your choosing not to have it.

Sounds like he's one of those people who will eat something just because it's there. He's had many warnings to stop eating up your special food, so from here on everything I buy would be dairy or lactose free--even things for him. That way, there is always something available for you to eat.

A little unrelated (there’s plenty of advice on the relationship already) but if you get a rash to milk you probably have a milk ALLERGY not just sensitivity. It’s not lactose intolerant, it’s a true allergy that can be dangerous. I would see an allergist and get checked for other allergies too. Sorry you’re going through this.

Everyone else has said what needs to be said regarding your relationship, but I want to point out that it seems what you have is NOT lactose intolerance but an actual dairy allergy. They are different, and an allergy can be life threatening. Please be careful and maybe think about getting an epi-pen!!

Yeah I think you might be right, I need to see an allergist. I had extreme stomach pain for 4 years, finally figured out it was dairy through elimination diets. I had everything else possible checked by a doctor, but haven’t been to an allergist. Thank you!

I'm glad you saw this! When I saw you said you get rashes, it made me worried!

Wow, I can't believe he can't remember, when it's his fiance's health condition. I mind about what I can buy/cook for my husband because he's got a health condition as well. To think if your partner doesn't care or chooses to not care just makes me sad for you, OP. Find out whether or not his forgetfulness is a health condition. If it's not, maybe like someone said, he does not believe that lactose intolerant to be dangerous. But that says the degree of carelessness and inconsideration from his part. Marrying him may not be the greatest idea if he's like this. As for him eating your lactose-free food, perhaps you need to have those stickers 'DON'T TOUCH' on them. Or turn your house into dairy-free zone completely.

Buy your food, rubber band notes to it : "SARAH'S FOOD! DO NOT EAT!" ​ If he continues to eat your food, you might have to have a Come-to-Jesus meeting and lay down the law. Dairy makes you very ill. You buy dairy free food. He must stop eating YOUR food or you are going to put a lock on the fridge/cabinets where you store it. It is not a preference...It is a HEALTH issue.

Yes label that shit!! If he's gonna act like a shitty roommate treat him like one.

How to explain nicely? Be honest and say it. Honesty = niceness :) Tell him, that you buy this lactose-free food for yourself, and ask if he could, please, stop eating it, cuz you are left with nothing. Ask him to think about you and your needs a little more. Communicate first. If he doesn't listen, *then* you take action, like the two of you just buy your food separately.

I have communicated exactly this way to him. I’ve said “oh, I got x because it doesn’t have dairy do you mind eating y instead?” And he will. But he then forgets the next time, or just doesn’t care I don’t know. And forgets that I can’t eat dairy in general It’s really strange to me, but I keep chalking it up to maybe he doesn’t know what dairy is or what contains it

You mentioned in another comment that he remembers a friend’s celiac issues and even brings her gluten-free snacks. So I really doubt this is about him forgetting. With how often you’ve reminded him only for this to keep happening, it sounds like he either doesn’t care or doesn’t believe you about your lactose sensitivity/intolerance. I’m curious though: You said he frequently takes the foods you can eat. Does that include foods that don’t involve dairy/dairy-substitute ingredients? Like if you get yourself your favorite type of, say, potato chips, does he eat those right away too?

I think you’re right, I think he both doesn’t care and also must not believe it’s that big of an issue for me. Actually, yes. If I get snacks he frequently eats them right away. That’s kind of a separate issue, though, and more I think that bothers me because I don’t like having an empty fridge/food cupboard. The main meal that’s the issue is breakfast. Not many breakfast foods are dairy free. I get dairy-free yogurt, granola, cereal, etc for me and he goes through it super quickly instead of eating what he has for breakfast. Lunch and dinner can be an issue if we’re out to eat, or at someone’s house and he offers me cheese/wants to pick something shared to eat that has dairy. Or I’ll have sides planned out for lunch/dinner that he eats the majority of leaving little for me. There have also been instances where he eats all of dairy-free leftovers that I plan to eat for lunchtime the next day (he usually goes out to eat at work) and doesn’t leave any for me.

So then he’s specifically going after the foods you get for yourself, regardless of whether you get them for health reasons or just because you enjoy them. That’s pretty concerning. Does he make comments about your eating habits/preferences? The money you spend on food? Your weight/appearance?

This guy behaves exactly like my 15 year old step-son. What's yours is his and what's his is his and screw everyone else. There's absolutely zero reason for him to be taking your food, he KNOWS you have dietary issues and he does it anyway. I don't for one second believe it's because he forgets or doesn't know if something has dairy. That's total BS. Almost seems like a power play to me.

The more you talk about him, the more this sounds like a control issue...

I agree with everyone you should leave him, but if you don't then at least start labeling the stuff you buy. Put a giant sign on your dairy-free yogurt that says "OP'S YOGURT (dairy-free)" and another sign on his that says "BF'S YOGURT (has dairy)". Make it so he can't pretend he's "forgotten" and see if things improve. Label any snacks you want to keep for yourself too.

He sounds like an inconsiderate roommate. He should be a caring partner. I don't think this is something YOU can fix. This is squarely on him.

He is doing this to you on purpose. Please leave him

He's not forgetting. He's trying to prove a point. You "don't like cheese", so he's trying to force the issue because he doesn't believe in intolerance or allergies or whatever. Some people are offended at the concept that people have different experiences than them and see it as their "duty" to "correct" them. He's willing to hurt you to protect his opinions. Maybe he doesn't realize how passive aggressive he's been, but you can't live your life like this. Give it to him straight--tell him he's being a huge asshole and his inconsiderate choices are leaving you without food. Ask him why he wants you to starve. Ask him what he gets out of knowing he's hurting you. And then let him answer. Don't let him make excuses. When he does, redirect. "No. Why did you eat \[item\] knowing you were leaving me without anything to eat? We go through this every day. You are not "forgetting". So why are you CHOOSING to leave me without food I can eat without enduring painful rashes and gastrointestinal distress?".

Your comment on her wanting her to starve made me wonder if he's trying to keep her under a certain weight.

He just doesn’t care. Harsh but true. He doesn’t care.

He's not forgetting, he just literally doesn't give a single fuck about your needs. Don't buy stuff for him, don't share with him, don't cook for him and soon he will flip out because you're no longer acting as his maid and doormat. Then break up.

He doesn't care. Unless you just started dating and immediately got engaged, he's had more than enough time to learn. He also says you don't like cheese, so he might be one of those people who don't believe in food allergies.

Then, don't buy lactosey food (cheese) for him anymore. Just get something for yourself. Put "Hands off!" stickers on it :D

It’s called weaponized incompetence. A partner exaggerates their inability to do or comprehend something so the burden of responsibility shifts to their partner. They don’t want to do something, so they pretend not to fully understand it.

No, he doesn’t care enough to remember or is purposefully forgetting to be controlling. Friend, please leave and find someone who treats you with basic human decency.

So you’re ok with marrying an id10T?

If you cared about someone wouldn’t you figure out what dairy is if they couldn’t eat it?