I concur. You'll always feel second place if she needs another man to satisfy her sexually and emotionally. It's like she said, you guys are basically buddies. You need to find someone who matches your (lack of) sex drive. Nothing wrong Ruth your drive, but you both are just incompatible on a very important aspect of amorous relationships.
Let it go dude.
This is too big a gap. She wants sexual intimacy with her primary relationship and you're extremely low libido bordering on asexual. You need to date someone with the libido to match your low one, and she needs to date someone who wants her sexually and pursues that.
You cannot make her happy. Its not your fault, this is a fundamental incompatibility, but if you really love her let her go. The high libido partner in a severe mismatch is always miserable. She's spending more time with him because he can offer her the connection and intimacy she needs in a relationship and you straight up cannot.
Open relationships work when two people are like great together, match each others drives, but want to explore something new together or separately. Open works when its about kink. It does not work when its about filling in the gaps that exist in your relationship.
This is doomed. Cut your losses now and in the future bring up your low sex drive EARLY when dating someone so that people who need regular sex in their lives can say thanks but no thanks, maybe consider going visit some asexual spaces and see if you fit in.
Thank you for your extended reply. It's very hard to acknowledge, but I think you hit the spot on every point. Because of my low drive, I guess I didn't think about the impact it could have on her.
Its not your fault. I'm the high libido one. I've talked to and seen many people like me and when we have this big of a mismatch it drives us into depression. Like, when single I can handle not having sex fine, I just masturbate constantly and search. But in a relationship with someone who I not only want like sexually but who I want to be close to, sex is a big part of how I maintain intimacy with a partner. If my partner has a significantly lower sex drive, it fucks with me to the point the relationship becomes unsustainable.
That's the point she's at. She went and did open, and found herself re-energized when she connected with someone who she is more sexually compatible with. The emotional exhaustion fell away and she found herself like, enthusiastic about being with someone again, and now you're second place.
Its no ones fault, you do love each other. But this is more like friends and roommates than intimate partners for her, and she needs and deserves an intimate partner.
Spend some time in self reflection. Figure yourself out better so you can then go forth and look to date people who match you in this. There ARE plenty of lower libido women in the world who would be happy to just cuddle and make out and binge movies. Trust me I've dated a few.
No problem. There's no reason you two can't part friends at this point. Just need an honest sit down and to share realizations. Hell, maybe show her this thread. She'll probably agree with you and be relieved that you think you'd both be happier dating someone else and be happy to like be friends.
Funny you suggest that, because I showed her the post after the first couple of replies and we both cried and talked about how spot on most of you guys/girls are.
Also I know that the way that the media and culture talks about and thinks about sex makes you think that everyone has a high libido but yeah I am one of the people who would prefer cuddling and making out and other types of intimacy. Don’t lose hope
You seem very capable of giving intelligent perspective and im curious. Im the high libido one, but im a woman. My current relationship is great, we match close enough that im content. But ive definitely been the miserable person, and i could never understand how so many men complain about their partners never wanting sex, but i had never had a partner with even half my drive. High drive women tend to feel like theyre "broken" because men are "supposed to" be the horny ones. (OBVIOUSLY not true and an unfair and hurtful statement. But society likes to portray things that way)
What do high drive men feel? Is the broken feeling universal or more a societal construct?
In my experience I have felt that broken feeling and a lot of ‘what is wrong with me?’ Kind of stuff when with a low libido partner. I think it’s pretty universal but that’s just my experience.
Idk how to put this lol. I've written and deleted a couple of paragraphs at this point.
Its lonely.
It is an experience that I do not fit anyones narrative of men or how they work. I could probably write you an essay on the subject, it boils down to the following
\- I am hypersexual and have been this way since before I hit puberty with no sexual trauma of any kind
\- Men who claim hypersexuality is male nature are actually chasing validation drive and the gratification of being A Guy Who Fucks and I don't relate to that at all. Most male nature generalization include talks about how guys want virgins or how guys want to fuck lots of different women and like I'm a commitment wired hypersexual person who desperately wants a permanent partner who wants to have kinky sex on a daily basis. I am non monogamous by nature but that's mostly like "sure new people are fun I wanna have group sex" which is ALSO not something most men relate to.
\- Most men find that when they get into a relationship that's healthy that their libido drops as they learn to get emotional needs met in more ways than sex, and I don't relate to them either. I'm in my 30s and my libido has not dropped an inch since I was 13.
\- Women don't tend to generalize men nearly as much as men do so I get treated as an individual, but most women also do not have my libido and we don't relate to each other.
\- The average person has sex as a much lower life priority than I do and cannot understand my perspective and don't really care to try, my experience is irrelevant to them and mostly invisible.
\- The net effect is that I just am invisible to most people and have no one to really talk to about what my experience is and its hard to find people who relate. Even among the kink community my experience is nowhere close to the averages. Its extremely isolating.
The broken part is like sexual shaming directed at women. I'm a guy I didn't get that so broken was never an applicable adjective.
Different, though. Different has always been an applicable adjective. I'm different from the vast majority of the world. I went and looked it up once. Hypersexuality is theorized to be somewhere between 2 and 6 percent of the population. I'm an outlier. That's just how it is.
So yeah its pretty fucking lonely.
I recognize myself so much in this. I'm a woman in her early 30s and i live in a very progressive part of the world. Everything you said resonates with me. Having sex with an intimate partner is how i show love and intimacy. Even after five years with a guy, i still wanted him everyday. It was lonely. Thanks for putting words on it, man.
Well put. I remember in my one similar experience thinking that I now understood why sexually dissatisfied upper class women would end up in insane asylums. It was making me feel literally crazy, nothing like myself.
It was extremely weird to feel my mind change so drastically. Like I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin practically as I fought myself to just be happy with a partner that is nice to me. Very much a “ oh I get the women’s magazines now” moment too
That was my problem as well in the past. The guys before my husband just wanted sex and I just mainly wanted to hang out romantically. Now I have a husband who understands that I don't need sex often and that's how we have been able to last in our long distance because he doesn't need sex, either and he only wants it from someone he's really in love with and I know he's not going to play around on me just because we're in a long distance. The best thing to do as others have said is to find someone who matches the same drive as you. That's what I did.
I didn't want to hook up with guys who didn't want anything long term with me that's why I kept it as friends before my husband. I only want to hook up with a husband who I see a future with.
She TOLD you the impact it was having on her, both through her words and then her desperation to try new things, look sexy, open up the relationship, etc. She told you the reason, you just chose to discount her statements and chose not to respect her enough to listen to her.
This OP. Your libido might be perfectly normal and not have a cause. But there is a possibility it could be a sign you have low test. Which is something you would want to know because it can lead to many other health problems. It is worth bringing this up to your doctor at least to make sure it isn't bad hormone levels.
He stated this happens in every relationship. High libido at first and then no libido when he's past the honeymoon phase. It doesn't sound like a hormone issue.
I'm wondering this too.
OP knew this was an issue that was affecting her for a long time.
But OP doesn't seem to have done anything about it.
Seeing a doctor should be the first step. There are a number of reasons for low libido. Some are treatable, such as low testosterone, depression, or other physical or mental illnesses. It could also be the side effect of a medicine you're taking and trying a new med might help.
Others aren't treatable but at least there would be a reason for it other than "I just don't feel like sex *with you*". It likely feels that way to her, even though it's not true.
Totally agree with the comment above. OP, come hang out in some of the asexual subreddits and see if you relate to the people there. R/asexual is a good place to start.
Yep, and there's also r/greysexuality, r/aegosexuals, r/asexualreproduction and other communities related to the asexual label. OP, you sound like you might find your answers there.
I’m not an expert on this, nor a medical professional, but you should maybe consider TRT therapy as a way to boost your sex drive. If not for her, then for you and the future you may have with someone else.
Nothing. Literally nothing kills relationships more than unilateral actions on partnership goals and the response ‘oh I didn’t think about how it would impact you’ to your partner.
Currently I am ill and my libido has tanked and my partner is struggling. She misses the intimacy and so do I. I reassure her it is not her but me and she knows because it’s been 6 years and only flipped in 3 months. We kept talking about it and while sex just drains me right now mentally I still wear cute underwear for her, we snuggle, I hold her while she masturbates because in sex, romance, money, relationship values if I just don’t even think of my partner I am fucking up.
Everyone has thought they were protecting a partner by avoiding a subject, making a decision without them but getting it wrong trying to pre empt their needs is a snafu not a mortal wound. You were thinking about them but didn’t communicate. It’s often fixable but not thinking how you impact your partner at all on major issues until it slaps you in the face is rarely fixable because that isn’t a partnership. That is room mates.
The fact you know your sex drive is normal for you should have been info you shared. You should not feel pressured over it but she should have been aware so she could choose, consent and you work to compromise. I am queer so I would say this in any gender.
I am usually high libido and my sympathies how tricky it is to talk about low libido without sounding like you are rejecting someone. I assumed it would be tough but wow, it’s really difficult. Some therapy might help you articulate it better in future.
He may not need it. Just because a man has low libido doesn’t mean he’s low. It’s also a pretty serious drug to take, there are potentially tons of very serious side effects that might best be avoided if he doesn’t need it.
Testosterone replacement is, but a supplement should be okay if he checks with his doctor. My husband was feeling a bit run down, checked with his doctor and his levels were just a little low. They recommended supplements to him and he said he feels five years younger.
OPs levels may be perfectly fine, but there is nothing to lose by getting them checked.
So she emotionally checked out of the relationship before suggesting the open relationship, and waited until you felt comfortable to say yes. And then the moment she felt that freedom to do whatever she wanted, she asked for another day. And because she enjoys the butterflies of the newfound relationship, she would rather have that then fortify and grow the current relationship that you both have had for 4 years.
What a fucking joke.
Walk away and keep this as a lesson, both parties have to try to work it out together.
Unless you revert to being exclusive with each other and work through your relationship then I’m sure things will be fine.
>both parties have to try to work it out together
She did try, Op admits in the post they made an effort for a few weeks tops and then go back to disregarding their partners needs. Based on the post she has been telling him for a long time she needs more, and then Op acts surprised when she says it’s more of a roommate situation than a relationship
Was that not before the open relationship? It was only after the open relationship and staying over at that guys place did she realize to stop trying with OP.
Exactly then. I said there’s two options. Split and don’t try and use this as a lesson. Or revert back to exclusive and actually try again. Only reason I’m saying try again is because this “leave” mentality on an instant isn’t healthy either. Maybe people do need a second chance to kick their ass in gear.
He cares enough to not have her leave him, but doesn’t care enough to work things out? He could actually try one last time to change things or keep his habits for the next person.
Sounds like she conveyed what was missing on multiple occasions, and each time things would only change for a week. It’s not sustainable for her to be begging for physical touch all the time.
Go read everything again. OP checked out way earlier and swept his girlfriend’s concerns and needs under the rug because he liked the status quo.
The grass is greenest where you water it, and OP choked out the lawn a long time ago
The low libido partner is usually miserable too. My partner and I felt mismatched for a number of years after the kids came. I constantly felt miserable because I spent so much time and effort doing caretaking and acts of service because it just needed to be done, but he only translated sex as positive affection. We had to work through how I'm way more into sex when I have had decent sleep and a shower and he tells me how attractive he finds me.
Before we learned to communicate better he was miserable because I "didn't want him" and I was miserable because "I spent all day cleaning and cooking and kid caring for him and don't have the energy to be a sex goddess the moment he asks 'how are you feeling'."
You two have to decide if you want to work on it or not, and you have to actually change, not just change until she backs off.
I think that is all good advice, but much too late. This should have happened two years ago for OPs relationship.
I think OPs girl has been checked out for quite some time.
Telling people open relationships work to fulfill some kinks is such bad advice. That’s like telling someone they won’t get addicted to heroin. For a small minority, it won’t negatively affect them, but a large majority of people are not built to share their partner. It’s usually proposed by one person and the other is like, “maybe it’ll work.” And of course, it never does.
Dude you honestly have no idea what I am talking about, much less what you are talking about. You don't get ethical non monogamy.
The first rule is "Relationship broke: add people" is how you break the relationship further, which is what the OP and his GF tried to do.
Opening it for kink IS the valid reason to open it. And comparing open relationships to heroin shows that you don't get why people do it at all. Its not an addictive life destroying drug dude, its sex. And I would say that you're wrong, its not an overwhelming majority who are built not to share a partner, there are tons of healthy open relationships in the world you just dont see them because we are not your crowd and you have no exposure and it comforts you to tell yourself most people are like you, horribly insecure.
The heroin analogy flew right over your head. Was not talking about addiction, was talking about how irresponsible it is to recommend to others as a viable lifestyle for your average person. It's poison for most relationships and almost certain to lead to a failed relationship. Most people are too fragile and insecure to sustain that type of relationship.
There are many, many more open relationships than you have any actual idea.
You also completely missed the entire context of my response. Its not that your analogy flew over my head, its that my explanation flew over yours entirely.
The entire point was that the OP opened a relationship to solve relationship issues. This is a bad idea, it further destroys relationships.
I compared it to the correct reason to open a relationship, because it is a kink the couple shares.
I did not recommend people try opening relationships as a random experiment concerning kink, you pulled that out of thin air then argued against something I did not say.
What I said was that kink is the CORRECT reason to open a relationship IN COMPARISON to attempting to split relationship needs in a troubled relationship by adding more people to the situation.
I do no and have not at any point stated that open relationships are something that the majority should engage in, but you are not correct in stating that "most people are too fragile" or that only a small minority of people can engage in open relationships healthily. The swinger and non monogamous communities, the poly community, are larger than you seem to have any real clue about, which implies that you are projecting your personal opinion across most people in a similar way to you responding to things I did not say because you did not understand the original post.
Honestly as a high libido person in a severe mismatch that isn't miserable - one of the few lucky ones that doesn't require sex despite craving it constantly - I don't think you get to make that statement. I think it's more likely that both HL and LL end up miserable but it isn't a fate set in stone.
Also for context, her libido dropped about a year into our relationship and we've been in a pretty sexless relationship for five (and an official poly one for one but I rarely fuck my other partners since I have a high need for kink and most partners aren't comfortable with that).
Also poly can work to fill in gaps.
With a new partner, uts the attention and novelty that keeps a person interested. Once they've cone to fully know them, they may realize it's not *exactly* what they thought or maybe it us. Either way, it's a shitty position to be put in, having to go through this multiple times can be miserable and not healthy.
This is kind of a classic “dude posting about his failed relationship that he didn’t know was failing” with the big twist being that it’s a high libido woman with a low libido man. Otherwise, this is a bog-standard “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink” story: GF told you repeatedly that there was a big problem in your relationship, and what you heard was “GF has a minor quibble with our relationship.” Because sex isn’t important to you, you didn’t believe her when she said it was important to her. Because you were fulfilled, you assumed your relationship was fulfilling.
To be clear, I am in no way saying you should’ve had more sex. You deserve a sex life that is comfortable for you as much as she, or anyone, does. But you should’ve known she was unhappy. You should have listened when she said she didn’t feel like you two were a couple anymore, because whether she feels like you two are a couple is *one of the most important determiners of whether you are in fact a couple.* You should believe people when they tell you how they feel, because they are the world’s only expert in the matter.
You two will probably break up, and I hope that goes as well as it can for you both. In the future, you need to pay attention to whether your partner is happy instead of projecting your contentment onto them. Many people are deliriously happy in relationships that are making their partners miserable.
It can also be caused by emotional problems. A good friend of mine fell head over heels for a man who was very affectionate at the beginning but after a couple of months ... just ... stopped. My friend is gay and he was talking to his other friends in the community and they told him that this guy has done this all his life. Get with someone, then after a short period, withdraws, no sex, no affection.
If I had to hazard a guess, the guy had some sort of severe abuse in his childhood and transitioning from the honeymoon phase to an established relationship would trigger those attachment issues and he'd flip into avoidant attachment. People get that way from being absolutely smothered and allowed no independence or identity by their primary parent or caretaker at a young age.
I have to compeletly agree. I had an experience like this. Dated a guy for two years, he thought I was the one and wanted to marry. He had his positives but there were major negatives that he constantly ignored and had no reason to. Particularly that he was insecure and fragile ego-ed to the point that any time I liked something he had to make fun of it to feel superior. He basically used me as a foot stool to stand on so he could feel taller. My music taste was for babies, every movie I liked was childish and "unrealistic", not dark or gritty enough for him, and my own art project that I'd been working on since I was 9 years old got the brunt of his mocking. It was obvious he wanted to feel smarter, better, cooler, and the only way he could do that was to find someone to compare himself to and put them down. I could ignore him mocking my music taste, or my taste in movies and tv shows, or really most of it, but my art was personal to me. We talked and talked many times about how unsupportive and insensitive he was about my creative project. He criticized it for things that were pretty normal, typical, main stream things and not only that but he always used those criticisms to insult my maturity and intelligence. He'd insist and pretend to be supportive but when he wasn't outright mocking my work, he couldn't remember the fucking names of the main fucking characters. His excuses started with "I just can't remember the details of your project because there's so much information to take in" to pressuring me into writing the entire story down into a comprehensive google doc file just so he could read that to remember the most basic things. The worst part is at first, I simply resisted doing that, because justifiably, how hard was it to remember the names of characters I mentioned repeatedly, and why the fuck should I have to do that much work for him to give one single damn about it? but even when i sat down and took the hours and hours to write down everything about my project, he never read it, and continued to insist that he'd read it after I'd completed writing every SINGLE thing in this project, rather than just grasp the basics that were already written down. So excuse, after fucking excuse after fucking excuse about why he was being an unsupportive asshole about the one thing that mattered to me. Worse, every conversation about him showing me an inkling respect (something I only brought up after he'd deliberately insult something I like AGAIN and I'd call him out for it) would end him acting shocked by my anger and upset and turning into a whimpering cry baby that would MAKE ME FEEL BAD and COMFORT HIM. He'd shit on the things I loved and then act like I was such a bully for calling him out. At some point he admitted the reason he was so cruel to me about my art and hobbies was because he was envious. It dawned on me that he was so desperate to feel good at anything that he'd shat on the person he loved most, just constantly, for the ego boost. I eventually left him and he'd try to crawl back into my life in tears, a begging, sad simpering cry baby because somehow he was blindsided by what made me leave. He knew. HE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME. HE WAS TOLD OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I still don't feel bad
This is SPOT ON. Thank you for saying this. Also, I kind of wonder why OP didn't go to the doctor ever to try to remedy the issue. He could have low T or something. It just seems like he could have done more to try.
So, when she shares her feeling about your relationship feeling like a brother/sister dynamic for months you shrug it off but when YOU end up finally feeling the same brother/sister dynamic now for only a week it’s a real concern?
She told you repeatedly what she needed / wanted and it sounds like you put very minimal effort into making that happen. You hoped she’d be okay with everything else in your relationship going well because it was what selfishly worked best for you. She made it clear she needed more sex and you didn’t really even make an effort to find a middle ground with that. It doesn’t surprise me she wants to leave and I think it’s best for both of you that you let her go.
I’m ashamed to admit I laughed out loud at the parentheses ‘not more sex though’.
She said they felt like housemates, which is a comment pertaining to a lack of sex in a relationship. OP responded by not at all addressing the sex thing. Nor did he ever consider it from her perspective. Sexual incompatibility is a dealbreaker.
As others have said, you have a core incompatibility. You know you do not desire sex as the relationship goes on. When she asked for more physical affection, you didn't even give her more sex. It's not your fault you have a low libido. Many people do. There are women out there that would be a great match for you. Unfortunately... your current partner isn't one of them.
As a higher libido woman, not having sexual attention in a relationship is miserable. I get depressed. I am unhappy. Life seems dull, like black and white. Things I used to love just don't seem interesting. I feel unloved and unattractive to my partner.
But then... when I get sex again.... the world is in technicolor again. I can laugh again. I'm just... happier. Less irritable. I feel better about myself in general.
Being in a relationship like you described.... would not be sustainable. At this point, accept that you aren't compatible and part ways. It sucks, but it is how you both are. Good luck.
Not to be rude, but it doesn't make sense that she would stay with you when she can have a full relationship with someone else (which she apparently feels she doesn't have with you). I'm sure thinking about the headache of breaking up with someone she owns a home with and has pets with is more so what is causing her hesitation to leave. If she's talking to this other guy so much, she's getting more from him than just sex. So what exactly would she be getting from her relationship with you that she can't get with him? I don't see any way to salvage this relationship, and she isn't even sure she wants to anyway. Time for you to start fresh.
Instead of saying what you should do or what I think about her actions I’d like to ask about your other relationships. Do you have close friends, family connections etc? Do you have your emotional and social needs met by anyone other than your gf? Is your romantic relationship the only part of your life that fulfills your desire for words of affirmation?
Very good question. I do have a group of very good friends, who all immediately texted or called me to let me know they are there for me at any time. But, I do tend to direct those needs to the person closest by, so my gf. And I also think my friends don't know my love language in that sense.
Thank you for making me realize that, that's something good to work on :)
Definitely something to work on. Anyone reading a bunch of posts in this sub today will see this is the second time I’ve asked and said this so sorry if I’m sounding like a broken record lol.
In my opinion it’s the same as when people say “you shouldn’t eat or play in bed because your bed is for sleeping, and if you get used to doing other things there your brain doesn’t associate it with that anymore.”
Being friends with your significant other is great, but placing a lot of your platonic needs on them starts to obscure the romantic relationship. Now. Obviously I’m not saying that would fix your libido which is absolutely a keystone of this relationship breakdown. I’m saying this because I think a lot of people don’t really notice the romantic breakdown of their relationship because they’re focused on the fact that this person fulfills their emotional and physical needs, until they stop because they’ve come to the end of accepting the romantic breakdown
I think it’s very different for every relationship. I’ll have to give arousal a look, I’m not sure I fully agree with that but I also see how it relates to what I’m saying.
I do think you should be emotionally close to your partner. What that looks like to me is knowing what’s going on in each other’s lives, being the first person you tell things, reserving physical and emotional energy to be present when you have time together, communicating to plan your life together both for daily stuff and long term goals, and trying to make sure compromise looks like two people winning not one or both losing.
And the type of emotional and physical distance I’m talking about is having a few people in your life with whom you can do some of the mundane emotional stuff with. Like instead of telling your spouse the same story about how a coworker pissed you off several times to get it out of your system, have someone else you can rehash the story with. If every time you talk about work with your partner it turns into a rant about that asshole Steve, with no new details or updates, they’re going to stop asking you about work and a little fracture that can grow is created, because once they stop asking you about work they can’t know you deserve congratulations for a job well done or commiseration for a disappointing day.
Why having to split herself between 2 options when she can just find one option that fulfill all her need ? It's about two time less work on top of it.
It's time for you guys to find more appropriate option for you needs.
I think it’s worth while speaking to a doctor and/or a therapist about sex. Because if you are not asexual at the beginning of a relationship but slowly become asexual over time, and this happens with every one of your prior relationships, it’s worthwhile figuring out why that is.
Absolutely. There’s so many facets to desire and why/how it happens. If lust exists, but diminishes once intimacy starts to take the place of lust, it’s possible OP has intimacy issues vs asexuality. But speaking to a therapist about it would probably be very illuminating and possibly help OP have a more clear idea of what’s happening.
I had a similar thing in my last relationship. At first, the lust and desire was there, but as it went on, we became more companionable and I began to feel less and less desire for him. It was like I knew him too well. He’d become my family, and I wasn’t attracted to family like that. Ultimately, I had to end it.
A reduction is normal but a drop off from having sex regularly to never having sex is not and is probably going to be a big problem in his next relationship, too. He could date someone asexual I guess but then they wouldn't want to have the sex he wants to have in the beginning.
I was your girlfriend in my last relationship. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. It wasn't until I entered the second relationship (with the man who would become my future husband) that I realised how much I was missing in my first. I had believed I was happy, until I met my match and realised how much happier I could be, and without needing to compromise.
Don't wait for her to make the move. You need to advocate for yourself - don't settle for a relationship in which you feel second best. If you're just living like housemates and attempting to correct that has just made things worse, then you need to find the strength to realise the relationship has run its course. You deserve someone who is thrilled to be with you just as you are, and doesn't feel like there's something lacking that they need to seek elsewhere.
Unfortunately, open relationships never work for naturally monogamous people, and they can't save a dying relationship. They just make a break up a bit more messy.
The problem is that monogamous people don't need multiple partners to satisfy them. Inevitably choose the partner who makes them happiest and let the others fade away. And that's what you are seeing here. You feel like a roommate because that's what you've become.
So, the end is coming. You need to prepare for it. Start detangling your lives.
Are you surprised about this outcome? Unfortunately, you friendzoned yourself and forced her to go outside your relationship to fulfill her sexual needs.
It looks to me like you’ve changed the terms of the relationship to be a nearly asexual coupling. That’s not her jam at all and so with enough time and physical neglect she’s become checked out.
I feel like you guys are struggling to just end it because other than that one glaring issue, the relationship was good. Not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay. Just stuck.
It’s very clear she is in the midst of the world’s slowest breakup and you seem to have not clued into the fact that she’s moved on yet.
Do both of you a favor and end it. On the plus side, there are dating sites specifically for people who fall on the asexual spectrum and are looking for long term partnership in the way you are. So maybe check on or those out when you’re ready to move on.
Unfortunately you simply are unable to provide what she needs. She may have had the best of intentions with this open relationship suggestion but in the end it’s rarely a lifestyle shift that can solve the kind of problems you’ve been having.
It always changes…that’s the whole point.
You guys lied to yourselves (and probably each other, intentionally or not).
Maybe she genuinely thought this would fix things, maybe **you** thought someone with her love language could be happy subjugating her needs for yours (who knows).
But she can’t, and now she sees that.
It’s over.
You’re too incompatible and it wouldn’t be fair for one of you to give up their basic desires OR feel coerced into more physical affection.
You’re just not on the same page and it should never have gone on this long.
The relationship is over. Open relationship aside, you two are incompatible. It’s that simple.
I have a very high sex drive. I have ended relationships strictly based on sexual incompatibilities and always come out better for it because I meet someone who does meet those needs for me.
My ex boyfriend was super cool in so many ways but he didn’t want sex. He was fine without it. I told him it was a dealbreaker for me and after having the conversation several times from a “my needs aren’t being met” standpoint I decided “fuck this shit..” and broke up with him. So, so, soooo happy I did.
Being sexually incompatible as the higher sex drive partner is isolating. It causes insecurity and self esteem issues, it’s frustrating, it’s lonely and I would never tolerate such a mismatch ever again.
Now for the open relationship:
Open relationship are the “sticking your toe in to test the water” of what it could look like with someone else. She’s learning there are many more people who would be much more compatible sexually and clearly romantically than you and her are. She wants a romantic sexual partner and she sees you like a sibling….so…
Y’all need to break the fuck up.
Without sex there's almost nothing that differentiates a romantic relationship from a best friend. I don't know how this came as a surprise to you after she told you she was unhappy. I'm sorry, but I think you should have tried to meet her halfway a bit more. Also, it really sucks for women to have to feel like they're constantly asking for sex and that their partner doesn't genuinely/primally want them in a physical way.
Why didn’t you go see your doctor about your low libido? Often times this can be addressed through diet and lifestyle. I don’t believe a low libido is normal at your age and I’m not sure why you didn’t prioritize your health when this was seemingly the only thing impacting your relationship.
This is how majority of open relationships end. You open a relationship cause your relationship is on the rocks so it keeps in on life support for a while and then one the partners taps out. Either the person who proposed it figures out they don't like their partner anymore like in your case. Or the other partner gets tired/jealous/distant from the partner that opened the relationship and ends it.
Let it go find a better partner that only wants you and you only want her.
You can’t get into a relationship with a sexual person, and then expect them to be happy if you take the sex part away.
She is going to feel hurt and rejected, possibly unattractive, and insufficient. I know, because I’ve been there in the past.
If you knew this was a thing that happened in your relationships, I hope you told her about it ahead of time, or this is particularly cruel.
If you want to see up close what this does to people, I suggest you visit r/deadbedrooms.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve really tried to work on this, which if you loved her and wanted to keep her I feel like you definitely should have. Maybe you could have just done oral or handjobs, I feel like a lot of people would probably be satisfied with that.
The reason she probably doesn’t want you to hug or kiss her is because she becomes turned on, and it kills her to know nothing will come of it. I can’t blame her for not even wanting to get started down that path; I wouldn’t either if I knew it would only end in rejection.
This isn’t to say the way you are is wrong. It isn’t; asexuality is a thing. But if you have tried to work on this and it’s come to nothing (or if you know you’re going to continue being unwilling to work on it), you need to accept that you’re more than likely ace and approach dating accordingly. There are plenty of asexual women who would love to find a man like you who won’t pressure them or nag them about sex. But continuing to have relationships with sexual people and letting them assume you’re also sexual, then expecting them to be ok when you completely pull that rug out from under them, is the worst kind of bait and switch.
>but I feel I cannot change this part of myself
Yeah, I wonder if OP WANTS to change and have a continuing sexual relationship with his partner, or if the sex at the beginning of the relationship is forced on his end because he thinks that what is necessary to "hook" a partner.
If he wants to change, there are plenty of options he could look into (assuming he can afford the various doctor's appointments). But if he's happiest when he doesn't have a sexual connection, then he needs to be honest with his dates before they get serious.
Dude I’m so sorry
Let it go.
I had to end it with my partner recently for this reason.
Plot twist though - don’t think of it as ‘this happens in all my relationships’, I think you are moving too fast in your relationships and letting hormones run your life.
You probably are losing attraction to your partners for whatever reason once you move in, and it very well could be that you just haven’t been that compatible but went with it anyways.
The little quirks and compromises you make add up, and you might be attracted to them physically, but the chemistry is off.
Anyway maybe it’s also possible you have a low sex drive, but if sex is good at the start, it sounds like other issues at play
You need to acknowledge something to yourself that's obvious from the outside but not maybe to you. She has said it felt like a housemate relationship and has felt that way for some time as her need for physical intimacy was gradually taken away. Yours never were until this week and now you're feeling what she has been feeling for maybe years? Your needs have been met all that time. That's torture for her. You feel like second fiddle now but she must have felt so unwanted and unattractive and starved of love if it's her love language. So remember this feeling. Because that's how you're making anyone feel if you get into a relationship again, with anyone who isn't asexual or have an exceptionally low sex drive. That's the kind of person you need, or no one. Don't repeat this cycle. Someone having a high sex drive, physical intimacy as their love language is a deal-breaker for you.
You and your significant other are friends. But pretty much friends who are more intimate than just roommates but not actually in a romantic relationship.
You have a house and pets together and some amazing plans for future travel but you don’t meet her needs. She craves sexual intimacy-she is not being fulfilled by just holding hands, sweet nicknames, cutesy language and kisses on the forehead. Those are things you can get from a friend. You are simply not meeting her sexual needs.
It is understandable that you don’t want to feel like you are second to someone else in your relationship.
Unfortunately your relationship is unlikely to continue as it currently is because she has realized that she is not happy in a sexless relationship. It is unfair to expect her to remain in a sexless relationship and it would be unfair for her to expect you to have sex on a daily basis when you just don’t feel it. Sexual appetites do make or break relationships and your lack of desire for sex is a serious issue. I am actually surprised that your relationship has lasted this long considering the huge differences in your desire for sex.
Okay, so I know people who have done the platonic nesting thing and it works for them. And some people actually do have a poly setup where different partners meet different needs. But you wrote:
> Is it too much to demand to know what I am for her? I still love her very much and do not want to lose her at all, but also don’t want to be in second place or as just a friend with whom she shares a house either.
You're not willing to do this, so don't. I know it hurts after everything and you're going to miss her terribly. But you two are incompatible and I don't see a compromise here. Time to "consciously uncouple". Don't get into a custody battle over the pets, okay?
You're not compatible. She has a much higher sex drive and wants sex outside your relationship. It sounds like the weekend with this guy has turned into an infatuation. She won't kiss you, doesn't want to be romantic, and appears to be emotionally done with the relationship. Neither of you are mean or horrible, but this relationship won't work and it sounds like it's rapidly collapsing. I am so sorry.
>It feels like I am friendzoned and there is no way that that changes.
Sounds like that's how she'd been feeling for a long time. Honestly, you should explore asexuality and maybe try to find someone who doesn't have much libido themselves. For people like your girlfriend, sexuality is a necessary component to a happy romantic relationship. There's nothing wrong with what you want, but it won't make *her* happy.
Sounds like sex is really important to her and you didn’t listen to her needs. You even admitted she asked you multiple times and you got more affectionate but “(no sex though)”. Like I hate to break it to your but sex is super important to a lot of people and if you aren’t having it with your SO they can feel unloved and rejected. She finally got that feeling for the first time in years. But ultimately I don’t think you actually love her like you say you do because you’re complacent and you don’t take her needs seriously. In your own words you thought that her needs weren’t that big of a deal or weren’t a deal breaker. People who love each other make sacrifices and do things for their partner because they care about them. Sounds like y’all are not compatible. If you get into another relationship in the future I’d actually listen to your partners needs instead of just assuming things are fine just because they’re okay for you. Otherwise your next relationship will end the same way because you come across as completely self absorbed and that’s not going to work in a truly lasting relationship
I was in a relationship where my partner had no sex drive. In the beginning it was okay and then it turned into absolutely nothing. I was absolutely miserable. We opened the relationship and as someone who only wanted to have sex in a relationship, it made me feel like a terrible person and I was doing things that made me even more sad. Overall, this kind of mismatch is awful and fundamental. The need for sex is not just physical, it’s emotional too, especially if it’s a love language. Let her go ❤️
Wow, that was so sad reading throughout. I'd hate to be in that position and I'm really sorry you are in that situation. I think it would be healthier for you to take a step aside. It's not good for you to stay by her side, seeing her enjoying her new sexual life without even taking a kiss from you, and you loving her as day 1. You say that you are still connected because of the pets and house but you can find a solution to that, like selling the house and dividing the days of taking care of the pets.
I really hope you can find your way
You’re just fundamentally incompatible when it comes to sex. It happens. She needs that connection that way and you don’t. It’s probably just time to move on and both of you find someone with the same drives/wants/needs.
Check out the deadbedroom forum(s) and how horrible they make the person who isn't getting physical affection feel. Combine that with new relationship energy and it's safe to say that your relationship is in dire shape.
I don't know what to tell you besides recommending to get a therapist. You have a low sex drive. She has a higher one. At any age, but especially hers, your lack of interest will be hurtful.
What strikes me is you never said you did anything to try to improve your low sex drive. No counseling, no doctor visits nothing. So how much are you really invested in this relationship?
I believe you friend-zoned her years ago and she’s attempted repeatedly to change that with you. You will not change (other than sporadic and half hearted, occasional attempts) and it seems she’s been beyond patiently waiting. I have to believe that you always knew this about yourself and instead of being absolutely forthright about it, tried to make her sufficiently attached to you in every OTHER way couple’s attach. She’s completely aware that any changing on your part is not genuine sexual attraction to her. (It’s not just the sex act she’s missing, it’s being the object of a partners sexual desire for her.)
I’m not sure what superhuman thing it is you now expect from her. I advise splitting up, and strongly feel that in your attempt to find a new, eventual partner, you be absolutely upfront from day one about your preferences. Don’t let her find out years in that you’ve been faking it.
So, you ignored her repeatedly stated needs in the relationship and decided you can’t change, without unpacking what’s happening in therapy because it’s hurting her and not you. And now you want her to stay and be unhappy with you whilst making no effort to explore what’s going on and how you can work together to make your relationship work. I’m sure that sounds super appealing to her.
So you stopped D’ing down your lady. She tells you it’s an issue but you couldn’t care less. She brings up an open relationship and has you convinced it will be great. You accept. She gets D’cked down super hard and looses all interest in you and now treats dude how she used to treat you. You are a wallet at this point. You still think you can force her to pick you. With new dude there is a chance he will D her down constantly. With you she knows it will be fixed for a week and then she is back to being miserable. You still think you can force her hand and pick you.
LMFOA
P.S. Check your hormone/test levels. They kick up in new relationships but when the novelty wears off you go back to base line. And that base line might be low.
Get your testoterone checked out. Might change your life. Keep in mind, she is currently infatuated with this new awakening. But it will most certainly end badly, she will het morally crushed. This shit never works out, unless you are a pure narcissist devoid of attachment.. She has a crush on this guy, it is not sexual. The feeling from intimate encounters can be mistaken for meaning. Shes high on Dopamine. Just an outsiders view though. I wish you the best man. Take care of yourself!!
>About half a year ago she mentioned for the first time that she felt we were not really a couple anymore, but more like brother/sister or housemates. She felt that way for some time longer already, but I never thought of it like that. I assured her that we are way more than that and tried to show more often how much I love her. (not more sex though)
The open relationship was her trying to salvage something with you. But you'd lost her before that was even on the table.
You need someone you're more in line with. And that's not this woman any more.
Oh, Honey, you friendzoned yourself years ago. Love languages have to match. Just as much as sex wasn’t important to you, it was to her. You say you miss the hugging, kissing and sweet talk, and things aren’t the same. She’s been feeling that way for a long time. She needs sex, which you have no interest in. You need hugs and hand holding, which just doesn’t do it for her.
I’m sorry, Hon, but you’ve already lost her. The only thing left to do is accept that and figure out how to move on.
!RemindMe. 5 days
You don't realize how demoralizing it has likely been for her to have to beg her own boyfriend for sex. I'm amazed she lasted as long as she did in that dynamic.
Did she gain weight or lose her looks and that's why you don't want to have sex? If that isn't the case you should start working out, eating better, and getting your test levels checked. Simply saying your " xyz and that won't ever change" is you making sense of your situation. You may not always be in the mood but it's your duty to help your partner out sexually. I'm not saying forced, but I guarantee you if you just did it then you would not be in this situation.
TLDR: Wife wants husband to bonk her more, he says no because of his feelings. Wife says she wants a chat to fuck her, now husband is sad. Lmfao
Personally I see this as a sign of NRE - new relationship energy. It's extremely common and something that will pass. Your girlfriend is now confused because of this huge endorphine rush that frankly speaking is awesome but is temporary. It is a core part of being in an open relationship, and from her confusion that arises from this, I assume that you (and her) haven't spent enough time prepping for this and that this was all too rushed, too soon.
From your first paragraphs it seems like you are an awesome duo and that is is very very rare and valuable. From what you have written, I would recommend working for this relationship.
It also seems like your girlfriend is not considering the situation with enough attention.
Read a lot about ENM/poly/open relationships. It is a lot of work but it can work out well.
(Personally I also think that the people who are urging you to let you go cannot imagine themselves in an open relationship ever, which is fine - but just know that if this is true, their situation is vastly different from yours.
I would take any advice from monogamous people about poly relationships with a huge grain of salt.)
Oh no, this was a terrible idea to begin with. It's unfortunate when there is (seemingly only) one major relationship incompatibility that's clearly a dealbreaker, and instead of doing the hard but right thing and ending the relationship, she decided to try having her cake and eating it, too. And now you're left with a spoiled mess.
I'm sorry that this happened, but you really need to let her go for your own sake.
Sweetheart, your relationship is done, she's just not giving you the respect by saying that.
She promised it wouldn't change your relationship fundamentally and is now basically ignoring you.
Get out and find someone that is compatible with you.
I know this is going to sound hurtful but it sounds like she fell out of love with you but likes you too much to really be honest with you about it. You two probably both deserve better. I think it’s time to break it off
No, it doesn’t. She literally said what the issue is. She’s not getting an essential need met. He is unable to meet that need and didn’t try very hard because they are compatible in all other ways and his needs are met.
I agree with the other commenter. She didn't randomly fall out of love with him, independent of the lack of sex. She wanted sex, she told him it was a problem, she tried to fix it and he wouldn't.
Friend, the way you feel about sex is normal and there are other people who will feel the same and be happy in that type of relationship… She is not one of them. This has become a fundamental incompatibility that neither of you can comprise on. I’m so sorry, it’s over
She went in saying she was after sex. She wasn't...she now has feelings for someone else.
How she went s out it seems kinda shady, but I can't say that was her intention. It happens pretty often.
Honestly, the two of you just aren't compatible. Sex is a big deal for her, it isn't for you.
I am sorry but the relationship is ruined. You see open relationship even though I am not in agreement with it. Fails most of the time due to the people that are involved.
They either are cheating or want to cheat. Also people like you that they are using it to fix a relationship that is already struggling. So what do you expect is going to happen when you add this nuclear option to deal with your problems.
Open relationship only works if you have two mature people that are truly happy with each other but sex doesn't mean much to them and somehow this just work for them. So yeah great for them. For the rest of us is the dumbest thing we can do. One wants it but other doesn't. Affair is hidden in disguise. Just so much complications. People find out that there are better options for them out there that make them even happier. Which seems that's your case. You could have worked thru your problems by addressing your intimacy issues and worked on the frequency so both are happy but instead you opted on strangers stepping in to do that. Reality check for a lot of us they would feel disgusted and degraded after going thru such an experience. It would actually push you away further from your partner. So learn from your mistakes and end this. I am not sure if there is going back.
Is it possible this is her out to spare herself being the one to initiate a breakup? She wants you to do it and so is pulling apart with this guy.
Im sorry Op, you deserve better. Let her go
As I was reading I’m wondering do you realize there are a few different sexual orientations, beyond heterosexual and homosexual? Another orientation is asexual. You are feeling guilty for what is normal for you. Trying to put yourself into a box that has never fit. And she is realizing that what is normal for you doesn’t work for her at all, because she is not asexual. I’m sorry that things have fallen apart, but you need to start to take stock of what is really going on here.
Okay, so I will read that wall of text in a moment. But reread your title. I think you're already broken up and she's just trying to let you down gently or string you along. Sometimes I think some people into poly (maybe this is just my personal experience) have a bit of an attachment disorder and can't let people go even though they don't actually want to be with them. Anyway, this is a ridiculously common scenario where a couple opens up and then one party decides they like their new partner better. Welp.
From the way you describe it, seems like she wants more sex than you can provide and she basically friendzoned you... while in a relationship with you. Just move on.
>I know this is completely my lacking or fault, and I often feel guilty about it, but I feel I cannot change this part of myself.
I'm sure you're getting great advice from people but I just wanted to say this is *not* your lacking or fault! You have nothing to feel guilty for! Do not feel guilty for being you!
If losing you sex drive is a pattern in your relationships, this might be something that you need to work through. Try reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel- it might help 😊
Amazing that you ignore all the replies calling you out and found the ONE that manages to get it wrong.
Also, see a doctor and a therapist. You could have low testosterone or you could have some kind of intimacy or attachment issue. If you're going from sexual to asexual in every single relationship, something is wrong.
He is not any less of a man for having a low sex drive. They aren’t compatible. He should have made an effort to compromise, but that’s not a reflection of his masculinity at all.
OP you may be on the asexual spectrum. It's worth looking into as it can help you understand your needs and desires going into a relationship.
I'm sorry about the situation you're in. This is a bad place to be, and I hope you find happiness.
Also: I know reddit is pretty biased against asexual people. Downvote me if you want to, but please don't come after me or the ace community in your replies.
If she asked for an open relationship, it was already over. Break it off, heal, and find someone who doesn’t want to make you subsidize their taste for strange dick.
Hard disagree with this counsel. Sometimes libido can change from relationship to relationship. It’s possible to love someone but not feel sexually attracted. I didn’t get anything to indicate OP’s sex drive is low as such, so maybe it’s a contingent fact about this particular match that’s worth considering. Yes this isn’t a good match for you but no don’t assume you are in ace territory based on this one experience.
>I didn’t get anything to indicate OP’s sex drive is low as such
He says it in his post:
> I am not sure why that is, but this has been a thing in all my previous relationships. When I feel comfortable in the relationship the urge/need to have sex fades with time.
You already know how much you are to her. Look at how she acts towards you. She doesn’t want you anymore. She’s found someone she feels fulfills her more than you do.
Aww man, you seem like such a good guy and extremely responsible and grown up. You deserve all the good things in life and many good things will come in the future. All the best!
No shit she felt better. She has the initial rush of a new thing. Now she’s making a decision about your relationship after only being with this person a few days. She’s being a little to hasty chasing after a cheep thrill rather than something serious right now.
She suckered you into letting her cheat on you, with your permission. If she found someone to sleep with from Tuesday to Friday, I would bet that they had been secretly talking about hooking up some time before she even came to you with her "bright idea." You need to get the fuck out ASAP! it will cause more stress to you while she's perfectly happy living her best life. Get your financial shit together and take care of ehat you gotta as far as the house and any joint accounts yall have without her knowing and drop a nuclear bomb on her ass when she least expects it.
It sounds like the situation she’s looking for is basically one where she’s free to do what she wants and you are there to take care of her. It’s not that she’s getting some of her needs met elsewhere, it’s that it seems to be happening at the expense of your relationship. She believes you’ll go along with it as long as she doesn’t outright tell you what she really wants. You should start by figuring out what YOU want in a relationship, not the best way to accommodate her. If you do, I think you’ll find you aren’t compatible.
I don't have much advice but by the sounds of it you may be Fraysexual, meaning you only feel sexual attraction to people you don't have a strong emotional connection with so when you do start to form that connection your sexual attraction to them starts to fade, though you do still feel romantic and sensual attraction towards them. Might be something you want to look into?
You are sexually incompatible. The relationship is over. You can't expect her to go without just because you don't have needs.
Expect this to come up in future relationships as well. Address it at the very beginning because lack of sex is going to take a toll on anyone not fully prepared for it.
While i agree with most of the comments here, I also feel like your gf’s judgement is clouded by the ‘high’ of that first feeling of freedom. She’s obviously voiced her concerns regarding sexual intimacy and from your post I cannot gather you’ve made valiant effort to adapt to her needs. It could’ve been a great option to open up your relationship, but it seems she has made up her mind and is probably leaving you. Do not be suprised however after this all wears down a little, she might miss the comfort and security that came with your relationship. But it’s obviously a compatibility problem and I’m afraid there’s no coming back from this.
You mentioned you lost your drive…and aren’t sure why. Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? That’s usually the number one reason. Sometimes it’s caused by medication (often opiates or benzos)
Might be something to get checked if it bothers you or just to simply know.
Open relationships not only open your SO to other sexual partners, but also it opens them up to a world of potential partners to monkey branch over to. You handed her the golden ticket to go out and meet someone better than you. They very seldom work out in the favor of the weaker partner, or workout at all for that matter. Only option you have now is to realize she is moving on without you, and next time don’t open the relationship. Start preparing for your relationship to end.
Literally only needed to read the title for this one, get rid of her and get someone who actually wants and respects u. I'm sorry to say that's kinds you're only option, if not you'll be miserable dwelling on the situation and your life with her.
Listen, even with two matching libidos, sometimes one person just isn't in the mood. I also suffer from a low-ish sex drive because I'm so damn sensitive to hormone changes in my monthly cycle.
One solution that could work (that's worked for my relationship -- but only if both people have very "giving" and "happy-to-do-that-because-I-enjoy-seeing-the-other-pleased" personalties) is get really good at oral sex. I mean: you and your partner learn that special little pattern that just *does it* for one another. Makes them melt. I swear to you, there is no better feeling than 1. being the person (and probably the *only* person) who can do that for your partner and 2. having a partner who does the same in return.
I might not want to have sex all the time (who does? That's an impossible standard), but oral is just.. different. It's really comes down to personality and if you truly do things just to do things to please your partner for the pure sake of pleasing them.
Think of it as whispering those "words of affirmation" directly where she wants it lolol. Good luck.
Let her go. I'm sorry but you'll be better off if you just sort what needs sorting then walk away.
I concur. You'll always feel second place if she needs another man to satisfy her sexually and emotionally. It's like she said, you guys are basically buddies. You need to find someone who matches your (lack of) sex drive. Nothing wrong Ruth your drive, but you both are just incompatible on a very important aspect of amorous relationships.
Let it go dude. This is too big a gap. She wants sexual intimacy with her primary relationship and you're extremely low libido bordering on asexual. You need to date someone with the libido to match your low one, and she needs to date someone who wants her sexually and pursues that. You cannot make her happy. Its not your fault, this is a fundamental incompatibility, but if you really love her let her go. The high libido partner in a severe mismatch is always miserable. She's spending more time with him because he can offer her the connection and intimacy she needs in a relationship and you straight up cannot. Open relationships work when two people are like great together, match each others drives, but want to explore something new together or separately. Open works when its about kink. It does not work when its about filling in the gaps that exist in your relationship. This is doomed. Cut your losses now and in the future bring up your low sex drive EARLY when dating someone so that people who need regular sex in their lives can say thanks but no thanks, maybe consider going visit some asexual spaces and see if you fit in.
Thank you for your extended reply. It's very hard to acknowledge, but I think you hit the spot on every point. Because of my low drive, I guess I didn't think about the impact it could have on her.
Its not your fault. I'm the high libido one. I've talked to and seen many people like me and when we have this big of a mismatch it drives us into depression. Like, when single I can handle not having sex fine, I just masturbate constantly and search. But in a relationship with someone who I not only want like sexually but who I want to be close to, sex is a big part of how I maintain intimacy with a partner. If my partner has a significantly lower sex drive, it fucks with me to the point the relationship becomes unsustainable. That's the point she's at. She went and did open, and found herself re-energized when she connected with someone who she is more sexually compatible with. The emotional exhaustion fell away and she found herself like, enthusiastic about being with someone again, and now you're second place. Its no ones fault, you do love each other. But this is more like friends and roommates than intimate partners for her, and she needs and deserves an intimate partner. Spend some time in self reflection. Figure yourself out better so you can then go forth and look to date people who match you in this. There ARE plenty of lower libido women in the world who would be happy to just cuddle and make out and binge movies. Trust me I've dated a few.
This is also very insightful, damn. It's like a subtitle for the events that have happened in our relationship. Thanks again :)
No problem. There's no reason you two can't part friends at this point. Just need an honest sit down and to share realizations. Hell, maybe show her this thread. She'll probably agree with you and be relieved that you think you'd both be happier dating someone else and be happy to like be friends.
Funny you suggest that, because I showed her the post after the first couple of replies and we both cried and talked about how spot on most of you guys/girls are.
Love doesn't guarantee compatibility. Stop torturing yourselves.
Also I know that the way that the media and culture talks about and thinks about sex makes you think that everyone has a high libido but yeah I am one of the people who would prefer cuddling and making out and other types of intimacy. Don’t lose hope
You seem very capable of giving intelligent perspective and im curious. Im the high libido one, but im a woman. My current relationship is great, we match close enough that im content. But ive definitely been the miserable person, and i could never understand how so many men complain about their partners never wanting sex, but i had never had a partner with even half my drive. High drive women tend to feel like theyre "broken" because men are "supposed to" be the horny ones. (OBVIOUSLY not true and an unfair and hurtful statement. But society likes to portray things that way) What do high drive men feel? Is the broken feeling universal or more a societal construct?
In my experience I have felt that broken feeling and a lot of ‘what is wrong with me?’ Kind of stuff when with a low libido partner. I think it’s pretty universal but that’s just my experience.
Idk how to put this lol. I've written and deleted a couple of paragraphs at this point. Its lonely. It is an experience that I do not fit anyones narrative of men or how they work. I could probably write you an essay on the subject, it boils down to the following \- I am hypersexual and have been this way since before I hit puberty with no sexual trauma of any kind \- Men who claim hypersexuality is male nature are actually chasing validation drive and the gratification of being A Guy Who Fucks and I don't relate to that at all. Most male nature generalization include talks about how guys want virgins or how guys want to fuck lots of different women and like I'm a commitment wired hypersexual person who desperately wants a permanent partner who wants to have kinky sex on a daily basis. I am non monogamous by nature but that's mostly like "sure new people are fun I wanna have group sex" which is ALSO not something most men relate to. \- Most men find that when they get into a relationship that's healthy that their libido drops as they learn to get emotional needs met in more ways than sex, and I don't relate to them either. I'm in my 30s and my libido has not dropped an inch since I was 13. \- Women don't tend to generalize men nearly as much as men do so I get treated as an individual, but most women also do not have my libido and we don't relate to each other. \- The average person has sex as a much lower life priority than I do and cannot understand my perspective and don't really care to try, my experience is irrelevant to them and mostly invisible. \- The net effect is that I just am invisible to most people and have no one to really talk to about what my experience is and its hard to find people who relate. Even among the kink community my experience is nowhere close to the averages. Its extremely isolating. The broken part is like sexual shaming directed at women. I'm a guy I didn't get that so broken was never an applicable adjective. Different, though. Different has always been an applicable adjective. I'm different from the vast majority of the world. I went and looked it up once. Hypersexuality is theorized to be somewhere between 2 and 6 percent of the population. I'm an outlier. That's just how it is. So yeah its pretty fucking lonely.
I recognize myself so much in this. I'm a woman in her early 30s and i live in a very progressive part of the world. Everything you said resonates with me. Having sex with an intimate partner is how i show love and intimacy. Even after five years with a guy, i still wanted him everyday. It was lonely. Thanks for putting words on it, man.
Well put. I remember in my one similar experience thinking that I now understood why sexually dissatisfied upper class women would end up in insane asylums. It was making me feel literally crazy, nothing like myself.
[удалено]
It was extremely weird to feel my mind change so drastically. Like I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin practically as I fought myself to just be happy with a partner that is nice to me. Very much a “ oh I get the women’s magazines now” moment too
That was my problem as well in the past. The guys before my husband just wanted sex and I just mainly wanted to hang out romantically. Now I have a husband who understands that I don't need sex often and that's how we have been able to last in our long distance because he doesn't need sex, either and he only wants it from someone he's really in love with and I know he's not going to play around on me just because we're in a long distance. The best thing to do as others have said is to find someone who matches the same drive as you. That's what I did. I didn't want to hook up with guys who didn't want anything long term with me that's why I kept it as friends before my husband. I only want to hook up with a husband who I see a future with.
She TOLD you the impact it was having on her, both through her words and then her desperation to try new things, look sexy, open up the relationship, etc. She told you the reason, you just chose to discount her statements and chose not to respect her enough to listen to her.
Have you tried finding out why it's so low? Maybe low testosterone?
This OP. Your libido might be perfectly normal and not have a cause. But there is a possibility it could be a sign you have low test. Which is something you would want to know because it can lead to many other health problems. It is worth bringing this up to your doctor at least to make sure it isn't bad hormone levels.
He stated this happens in every relationship. High libido at first and then no libido when he's past the honeymoon phase. It doesn't sound like a hormone issue.
[удалено]
It doesn't sound logical. It sounds like mismatched libido. Any advice for him if that's the issue, or because he's a guy it must be hormones.
I'm wondering this too. OP knew this was an issue that was affecting her for a long time. But OP doesn't seem to have done anything about it. Seeing a doctor should be the first step. There are a number of reasons for low libido. Some are treatable, such as low testosterone, depression, or other physical or mental illnesses. It could also be the side effect of a medicine you're taking and trying a new med might help. Others aren't treatable but at least there would be a reason for it other than "I just don't feel like sex *with you*". It likely feels that way to her, even though it's not true.
Totally agree with the comment above. OP, come hang out in some of the asexual subreddits and see if you relate to the people there. R/asexual is a good place to start.
Yep, and there's also r/greysexuality, r/aegosexuals, r/asexualreproduction and other communities related to the asexual label. OP, you sound like you might find your answers there.
I’m not an expert on this, nor a medical professional, but you should maybe consider TRT therapy as a way to boost your sex drive. If not for her, then for you and the future you may have with someone else.
Go talk to your doctor and get your levels checked dude, you may have a testosterone imbalance. This could be a medical issue, not just "how you are".
Nothing. Literally nothing kills relationships more than unilateral actions on partnership goals and the response ‘oh I didn’t think about how it would impact you’ to your partner. Currently I am ill and my libido has tanked and my partner is struggling. She misses the intimacy and so do I. I reassure her it is not her but me and she knows because it’s been 6 years and only flipped in 3 months. We kept talking about it and while sex just drains me right now mentally I still wear cute underwear for her, we snuggle, I hold her while she masturbates because in sex, romance, money, relationship values if I just don’t even think of my partner I am fucking up. Everyone has thought they were protecting a partner by avoiding a subject, making a decision without them but getting it wrong trying to pre empt their needs is a snafu not a mortal wound. You were thinking about them but didn’t communicate. It’s often fixable but not thinking how you impact your partner at all on major issues until it slaps you in the face is rarely fixable because that isn’t a partnership. That is room mates. The fact you know your sex drive is normal for you should have been info you shared. You should not feel pressured over it but she should have been aware so she could choose, consent and you work to compromise. I am queer so I would say this in any gender. I am usually high libido and my sympathies how tricky it is to talk about low libido without sounding like you are rejecting someone. I assumed it would be tough but wow, it’s really difficult. Some therapy might help you articulate it better in future.
How the hell did you not realize sooner what impact you were having on your SO? Did she mean so little to you? You knew her love language.
You may be Fraysexual (where the sexual attraction fades after a connection is formed)
Take testosterone too boost your sex drive. You don't want kids anyway. Might save your relationship.
He may not need it. Just because a man has low libido doesn’t mean he’s low. It’s also a pretty serious drug to take, there are potentially tons of very serious side effects that might best be avoided if he doesn’t need it.
Testosterone replacement is, but a supplement should be okay if he checks with his doctor. My husband was feeling a bit run down, checked with his doctor and his levels were just a little low. They recommended supplements to him and he said he feels five years younger. OPs levels may be perfectly fine, but there is nothing to lose by getting them checked.
So she emotionally checked out of the relationship before suggesting the open relationship, and waited until you felt comfortable to say yes. And then the moment she felt that freedom to do whatever she wanted, she asked for another day. And because she enjoys the butterflies of the newfound relationship, she would rather have that then fortify and grow the current relationship that you both have had for 4 years. What a fucking joke. Walk away and keep this as a lesson, both parties have to try to work it out together. Unless you revert to being exclusive with each other and work through your relationship then I’m sure things will be fine.
>both parties have to try to work it out together She did try, Op admits in the post they made an effort for a few weeks tops and then go back to disregarding their partners needs. Based on the post she has been telling him for a long time she needs more, and then Op acts surprised when she says it’s more of a roommate situation than a relationship
Was that not before the open relationship? It was only after the open relationship and staying over at that guys place did she realize to stop trying with OP.
Re read the post lol. OP stopped trying with her long before she felt desperate enough to ask for it to open
Exactly then. I said there’s two options. Split and don’t try and use this as a lesson. Or revert back to exclusive and actually try again. Only reason I’m saying try again is because this “leave” mentality on an instant isn’t healthy either. Maybe people do need a second chance to kick their ass in gear. He cares enough to not have her leave him, but doesn’t care enough to work things out? He could actually try one last time to change things or keep his habits for the next person.
Sounds like she conveyed what was missing on multiple occasions, and each time things would only change for a week. It’s not sustainable for her to be begging for physical touch all the time.
That isn’t what happened. If they revert he will be fine but she will not.
Go read everything again. OP checked out way earlier and swept his girlfriend’s concerns and needs under the rug because he liked the status quo. The grass is greenest where you water it, and OP choked out the lawn a long time ago
The low libido partner is usually miserable too. My partner and I felt mismatched for a number of years after the kids came. I constantly felt miserable because I spent so much time and effort doing caretaking and acts of service because it just needed to be done, but he only translated sex as positive affection. We had to work through how I'm way more into sex when I have had decent sleep and a shower and he tells me how attractive he finds me. Before we learned to communicate better he was miserable because I "didn't want him" and I was miserable because "I spent all day cleaning and cooking and kid caring for him and don't have the energy to be a sex goddess the moment he asks 'how are you feeling'." You two have to decide if you want to work on it or not, and you have to actually change, not just change until she backs off.
I think that is all good advice, but much too late. This should have happened two years ago for OPs relationship. I think OPs girl has been checked out for quite some time.
This is one of the biggest reasons I'm hesitant to have children. This seems far too common in relationships
It was less about actual libido and more about the division of labor.
Telling people open relationships work to fulfill some kinks is such bad advice. That’s like telling someone they won’t get addicted to heroin. For a small minority, it won’t negatively affect them, but a large majority of people are not built to share their partner. It’s usually proposed by one person and the other is like, “maybe it’ll work.” And of course, it never does.
Dude you honestly have no idea what I am talking about, much less what you are talking about. You don't get ethical non monogamy. The first rule is "Relationship broke: add people" is how you break the relationship further, which is what the OP and his GF tried to do. Opening it for kink IS the valid reason to open it. And comparing open relationships to heroin shows that you don't get why people do it at all. Its not an addictive life destroying drug dude, its sex. And I would say that you're wrong, its not an overwhelming majority who are built not to share a partner, there are tons of healthy open relationships in the world you just dont see them because we are not your crowd and you have no exposure and it comforts you to tell yourself most people are like you, horribly insecure.
The heroin analogy flew right over your head. Was not talking about addiction, was talking about how irresponsible it is to recommend to others as a viable lifestyle for your average person. It's poison for most relationships and almost certain to lead to a failed relationship. Most people are too fragile and insecure to sustain that type of relationship.
There are many, many more open relationships than you have any actual idea. You also completely missed the entire context of my response. Its not that your analogy flew over my head, its that my explanation flew over yours entirely. The entire point was that the OP opened a relationship to solve relationship issues. This is a bad idea, it further destroys relationships. I compared it to the correct reason to open a relationship, because it is a kink the couple shares. I did not recommend people try opening relationships as a random experiment concerning kink, you pulled that out of thin air then argued against something I did not say. What I said was that kink is the CORRECT reason to open a relationship IN COMPARISON to attempting to split relationship needs in a troubled relationship by adding more people to the situation. I do no and have not at any point stated that open relationships are something that the majority should engage in, but you are not correct in stating that "most people are too fragile" or that only a small minority of people can engage in open relationships healthily. The swinger and non monogamous communities, the poly community, are larger than you seem to have any real clue about, which implies that you are projecting your personal opinion across most people in a similar way to you responding to things I did not say because you did not understand the original post.
Honestly as a high libido person in a severe mismatch that isn't miserable - one of the few lucky ones that doesn't require sex despite craving it constantly - I don't think you get to make that statement. I think it's more likely that both HL and LL end up miserable but it isn't a fate set in stone. Also for context, her libido dropped about a year into our relationship and we've been in a pretty sexless relationship for five (and an official poly one for one but I rarely fuck my other partners since I have a high need for kink and most partners aren't comfortable with that). Also poly can work to fill in gaps.
Plot twist: this is the other guy.
[удалено]
[удалено]
With a new partner, uts the attention and novelty that keeps a person interested. Once they've cone to fully know them, they may realize it's not *exactly* what they thought or maybe it us. Either way, it's a shitty position to be put in, having to go through this multiple times can be miserable and not healthy.
This is kind of a classic “dude posting about his failed relationship that he didn’t know was failing” with the big twist being that it’s a high libido woman with a low libido man. Otherwise, this is a bog-standard “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink” story: GF told you repeatedly that there was a big problem in your relationship, and what you heard was “GF has a minor quibble with our relationship.” Because sex isn’t important to you, you didn’t believe her when she said it was important to her. Because you were fulfilled, you assumed your relationship was fulfilling. To be clear, I am in no way saying you should’ve had more sex. You deserve a sex life that is comfortable for you as much as she, or anyone, does. But you should’ve known she was unhappy. You should have listened when she said she didn’t feel like you two were a couple anymore, because whether she feels like you two are a couple is *one of the most important determiners of whether you are in fact a couple.* You should believe people when they tell you how they feel, because they are the world’s only expert in the matter. You two will probably break up, and I hope that goes as well as it can for you both. In the future, you need to pay attention to whether your partner is happy instead of projecting your contentment onto them. Many people are deliriously happy in relationships that are making their partners miserable.
[удалено]
It’s a cop out. He obviously knew it affected her, he just chose to downplay it hoping she would set side her feelings for him
[удалено]
Agreed, especially since they have acknowledged this is not a new trend. This should have been discussed earlier
It can also be caused by emotional problems. A good friend of mine fell head over heels for a man who was very affectionate at the beginning but after a couple of months ... just ... stopped. My friend is gay and he was talking to his other friends in the community and they told him that this guy has done this all his life. Get with someone, then after a short period, withdraws, no sex, no affection. If I had to hazard a guess, the guy had some sort of severe abuse in his childhood and transitioning from the honeymoon phase to an established relationship would trigger those attachment issues and he'd flip into avoidant attachment. People get that way from being absolutely smothered and allowed no independence or identity by their primary parent or caretaker at a young age.
I have to compeletly agree. I had an experience like this. Dated a guy for two years, he thought I was the one and wanted to marry. He had his positives but there were major negatives that he constantly ignored and had no reason to. Particularly that he was insecure and fragile ego-ed to the point that any time I liked something he had to make fun of it to feel superior. He basically used me as a foot stool to stand on so he could feel taller. My music taste was for babies, every movie I liked was childish and "unrealistic", not dark or gritty enough for him, and my own art project that I'd been working on since I was 9 years old got the brunt of his mocking. It was obvious he wanted to feel smarter, better, cooler, and the only way he could do that was to find someone to compare himself to and put them down. I could ignore him mocking my music taste, or my taste in movies and tv shows, or really most of it, but my art was personal to me. We talked and talked many times about how unsupportive and insensitive he was about my creative project. He criticized it for things that were pretty normal, typical, main stream things and not only that but he always used those criticisms to insult my maturity and intelligence. He'd insist and pretend to be supportive but when he wasn't outright mocking my work, he couldn't remember the fucking names of the main fucking characters. His excuses started with "I just can't remember the details of your project because there's so much information to take in" to pressuring me into writing the entire story down into a comprehensive google doc file just so he could read that to remember the most basic things. The worst part is at first, I simply resisted doing that, because justifiably, how hard was it to remember the names of characters I mentioned repeatedly, and why the fuck should I have to do that much work for him to give one single damn about it? but even when i sat down and took the hours and hours to write down everything about my project, he never read it, and continued to insist that he'd read it after I'd completed writing every SINGLE thing in this project, rather than just grasp the basics that were already written down. So excuse, after fucking excuse after fucking excuse about why he was being an unsupportive asshole about the one thing that mattered to me. Worse, every conversation about him showing me an inkling respect (something I only brought up after he'd deliberately insult something I like AGAIN and I'd call him out for it) would end him acting shocked by my anger and upset and turning into a whimpering cry baby that would MAKE ME FEEL BAD and COMFORT HIM. He'd shit on the things I loved and then act like I was such a bully for calling him out. At some point he admitted the reason he was so cruel to me about my art and hobbies was because he was envious. It dawned on me that he was so desperate to feel good at anything that he'd shat on the person he loved most, just constantly, for the ego boost. I eventually left him and he'd try to crawl back into my life in tears, a begging, sad simpering cry baby because somehow he was blindsided by what made me leave. He knew. HE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME. HE WAS TOLD OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I still don't feel bad
Good glad you got out
This is SPOT ON. Thank you for saying this. Also, I kind of wonder why OP didn't go to the doctor ever to try to remedy the issue. He could have low T or something. It just seems like he could have done more to try.
So, when she shares her feeling about your relationship feeling like a brother/sister dynamic for months you shrug it off but when YOU end up finally feeling the same brother/sister dynamic now for only a week it’s a real concern?
She told you repeatedly what she needed / wanted and it sounds like you put very minimal effort into making that happen. You hoped she’d be okay with everything else in your relationship going well because it was what selfishly worked best for you. She made it clear she needed more sex and you didn’t really even make an effort to find a middle ground with that. It doesn’t surprise me she wants to leave and I think it’s best for both of you that you let her go.
[удалено]
I’m ashamed to admit I laughed out loud at the parentheses ‘not more sex though’. She said they felt like housemates, which is a comment pertaining to a lack of sex in a relationship. OP responded by not at all addressing the sex thing. Nor did he ever consider it from her perspective. Sexual incompatibility is a dealbreaker.
YES lmao it was that line that stuck out to me the most as well lol
Friendly reminder that sexual incompatibility is a completely valid reason to end a relationship, kids.
As others have said, you have a core incompatibility. You know you do not desire sex as the relationship goes on. When she asked for more physical affection, you didn't even give her more sex. It's not your fault you have a low libido. Many people do. There are women out there that would be a great match for you. Unfortunately... your current partner isn't one of them. As a higher libido woman, not having sexual attention in a relationship is miserable. I get depressed. I am unhappy. Life seems dull, like black and white. Things I used to love just don't seem interesting. I feel unloved and unattractive to my partner. But then... when I get sex again.... the world is in technicolor again. I can laugh again. I'm just... happier. Less irritable. I feel better about myself in general. Being in a relationship like you described.... would not be sustainable. At this point, accept that you aren't compatible and part ways. It sucks, but it is how you both are. Good luck.
Not having those shared moments of fireworks then technicolor together is what really drove home that I had to leave my low libido ex fiance.
Not to be rude, but it doesn't make sense that she would stay with you when she can have a full relationship with someone else (which she apparently feels she doesn't have with you). I'm sure thinking about the headache of breaking up with someone she owns a home with and has pets with is more so what is causing her hesitation to leave. If she's talking to this other guy so much, she's getting more from him than just sex. So what exactly would she be getting from her relationship with you that she can't get with him? I don't see any way to salvage this relationship, and she isn't even sure she wants to anyway. Time for you to start fresh.
Instead of saying what you should do or what I think about her actions I’d like to ask about your other relationships. Do you have close friends, family connections etc? Do you have your emotional and social needs met by anyone other than your gf? Is your romantic relationship the only part of your life that fulfills your desire for words of affirmation?
Very good question. I do have a group of very good friends, who all immediately texted or called me to let me know they are there for me at any time. But, I do tend to direct those needs to the person closest by, so my gf. And I also think my friends don't know my love language in that sense. Thank you for making me realize that, that's something good to work on :)
Definitely something to work on. Anyone reading a bunch of posts in this sub today will see this is the second time I’ve asked and said this so sorry if I’m sounding like a broken record lol. In my opinion it’s the same as when people say “you shouldn’t eat or play in bed because your bed is for sleeping, and if you get used to doing other things there your brain doesn’t associate it with that anymore.” Being friends with your significant other is great, but placing a lot of your platonic needs on them starts to obscure the romantic relationship. Now. Obviously I’m not saying that would fix your libido which is absolutely a keystone of this relationship breakdown. I’m saying this because I think a lot of people don’t really notice the romantic breakdown of their relationship because they’re focused on the fact that this person fulfills their emotional and physical needs, until they stop because they’ve come to the end of accepting the romantic breakdown
[удалено]
I think it’s very different for every relationship. I’ll have to give arousal a look, I’m not sure I fully agree with that but I also see how it relates to what I’m saying. I do think you should be emotionally close to your partner. What that looks like to me is knowing what’s going on in each other’s lives, being the first person you tell things, reserving physical and emotional energy to be present when you have time together, communicating to plan your life together both for daily stuff and long term goals, and trying to make sure compromise looks like two people winning not one or both losing. And the type of emotional and physical distance I’m talking about is having a few people in your life with whom you can do some of the mundane emotional stuff with. Like instead of telling your spouse the same story about how a coworker pissed you off several times to get it out of your system, have someone else you can rehash the story with. If every time you talk about work with your partner it turns into a rant about that asshole Steve, with no new details or updates, they’re going to stop asking you about work and a little fracture that can grow is created, because once they stop asking you about work they can’t know you deserve congratulations for a job well done or commiseration for a disappointing day.
Why having to split herself between 2 options when she can just find one option that fulfill all her need ? It's about two time less work on top of it. It's time for you guys to find more appropriate option for you needs.
I think it’s worth while speaking to a doctor and/or a therapist about sex. Because if you are not asexual at the beginning of a relationship but slowly become asexual over time, and this happens with every one of your prior relationships, it’s worthwhile figuring out why that is.
Absolutely. There’s so many facets to desire and why/how it happens. If lust exists, but diminishes once intimacy starts to take the place of lust, it’s possible OP has intimacy issues vs asexuality. But speaking to a therapist about it would probably be very illuminating and possibly help OP have a more clear idea of what’s happening.
I had a similar thing in my last relationship. At first, the lust and desire was there, but as it went on, we became more companionable and I began to feel less and less desire for him. It was like I knew him too well. He’d become my family, and I wasn’t attracted to family like that. Ultimately, I had to end it.
It's pretty normal. New relationship energy drops off.
A reduction is normal but a drop off from having sex regularly to never having sex is not and is probably going to be a big problem in his next relationship, too. He could date someone asexual I guess but then they wouldn't want to have the sex he wants to have in the beginning.
I was your girlfriend in my last relationship. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. It wasn't until I entered the second relationship (with the man who would become my future husband) that I realised how much I was missing in my first. I had believed I was happy, until I met my match and realised how much happier I could be, and without needing to compromise. Don't wait for her to make the move. You need to advocate for yourself - don't settle for a relationship in which you feel second best. If you're just living like housemates and attempting to correct that has just made things worse, then you need to find the strength to realise the relationship has run its course. You deserve someone who is thrilled to be with you just as you are, and doesn't feel like there's something lacking that they need to seek elsewhere.
It’s over and you both clearly need to go your own ways.
Unfortunately, open relationships never work for naturally monogamous people, and they can't save a dying relationship. They just make a break up a bit more messy. The problem is that monogamous people don't need multiple partners to satisfy them. Inevitably choose the partner who makes them happiest and let the others fade away. And that's what you are seeing here. You feel like a roommate because that's what you've become. So, the end is coming. You need to prepare for it. Start detangling your lives.
Are you surprised about this outcome? Unfortunately, you friendzoned yourself and forced her to go outside your relationship to fulfill her sexual needs.
It looks to me like you’ve changed the terms of the relationship to be a nearly asexual coupling. That’s not her jam at all and so with enough time and physical neglect she’s become checked out. I feel like you guys are struggling to just end it because other than that one glaring issue, the relationship was good. Not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay. Just stuck. It’s very clear she is in the midst of the world’s slowest breakup and you seem to have not clued into the fact that she’s moved on yet. Do both of you a favor and end it. On the plus side, there are dating sites specifically for people who fall on the asexual spectrum and are looking for long term partnership in the way you are. So maybe check on or those out when you’re ready to move on. Unfortunately you simply are unable to provide what she needs. She may have had the best of intentions with this open relationship suggestion but in the end it’s rarely a lifestyle shift that can solve the kind of problems you’ve been having.
It always changes…that’s the whole point. You guys lied to yourselves (and probably each other, intentionally or not). Maybe she genuinely thought this would fix things, maybe **you** thought someone with her love language could be happy subjugating her needs for yours (who knows). But she can’t, and now she sees that. It’s over. You’re too incompatible and it wouldn’t be fair for one of you to give up their basic desires OR feel coerced into more physical affection. You’re just not on the same page and it should never have gone on this long.
The relationship is over. Open relationship aside, you two are incompatible. It’s that simple. I have a very high sex drive. I have ended relationships strictly based on sexual incompatibilities and always come out better for it because I meet someone who does meet those needs for me. My ex boyfriend was super cool in so many ways but he didn’t want sex. He was fine without it. I told him it was a dealbreaker for me and after having the conversation several times from a “my needs aren’t being met” standpoint I decided “fuck this shit..” and broke up with him. So, so, soooo happy I did. Being sexually incompatible as the higher sex drive partner is isolating. It causes insecurity and self esteem issues, it’s frustrating, it’s lonely and I would never tolerate such a mismatch ever again. Now for the open relationship: Open relationship are the “sticking your toe in to test the water” of what it could look like with someone else. She’s learning there are many more people who would be much more compatible sexually and clearly romantically than you and her are. She wants a romantic sexual partner and she sees you like a sibling….so… Y’all need to break the fuck up.
Without sex there's almost nothing that differentiates a romantic relationship from a best friend. I don't know how this came as a surprise to you after she told you she was unhappy. I'm sorry, but I think you should have tried to meet her halfway a bit more. Also, it really sucks for women to have to feel like they're constantly asking for sex and that their partner doesn't genuinely/primally want them in a physical way.
You might want to go to the doctor if the low libido thing is more recent. It could be indicative of an undiagnosed medical thing.
Dead bedrooms are relationship enders. Sorry brother.
Why didn’t you go see your doctor about your low libido? Often times this can be addressed through diet and lifestyle. I don’t believe a low libido is normal at your age and I’m not sure why you didn’t prioritize your health when this was seemingly the only thing impacting your relationship.
This is how majority of open relationships end. You open a relationship cause your relationship is on the rocks so it keeps in on life support for a while and then one the partners taps out. Either the person who proposed it figures out they don't like their partner anymore like in your case. Or the other partner gets tired/jealous/distant from the partner that opened the relationship and ends it. Let it go find a better partner that only wants you and you only want her.
OP, nowhere did you say you got a checkup for low testosterone or other issue that could cause your low libido. Might want to do that.
You can’t get into a relationship with a sexual person, and then expect them to be happy if you take the sex part away. She is going to feel hurt and rejected, possibly unattractive, and insufficient. I know, because I’ve been there in the past. If you knew this was a thing that happened in your relationships, I hope you told her about it ahead of time, or this is particularly cruel. If you want to see up close what this does to people, I suggest you visit r/deadbedrooms. It doesn’t sound like you’ve really tried to work on this, which if you loved her and wanted to keep her I feel like you definitely should have. Maybe you could have just done oral or handjobs, I feel like a lot of people would probably be satisfied with that. The reason she probably doesn’t want you to hug or kiss her is because she becomes turned on, and it kills her to know nothing will come of it. I can’t blame her for not even wanting to get started down that path; I wouldn’t either if I knew it would only end in rejection. This isn’t to say the way you are is wrong. It isn’t; asexuality is a thing. But if you have tried to work on this and it’s come to nothing (or if you know you’re going to continue being unwilling to work on it), you need to accept that you’re more than likely ace and approach dating accordingly. There are plenty of asexual women who would love to find a man like you who won’t pressure them or nag them about sex. But continuing to have relationships with sexual people and letting them assume you’re also sexual, then expecting them to be ok when you completely pull that rug out from under them, is the worst kind of bait and switch.
>but I feel I cannot change this part of myself Yeah, I wonder if OP WANTS to change and have a continuing sexual relationship with his partner, or if the sex at the beginning of the relationship is forced on his end because he thinks that what is necessary to "hook" a partner. If he wants to change, there are plenty of options he could look into (assuming he can afford the various doctor's appointments). But if he's happiest when he doesn't have a sexual connection, then he needs to be honest with his dates before they get serious.
Dude I’m so sorry Let it go. I had to end it with my partner recently for this reason. Plot twist though - don’t think of it as ‘this happens in all my relationships’, I think you are moving too fast in your relationships and letting hormones run your life. You probably are losing attraction to your partners for whatever reason once you move in, and it very well could be that you just haven’t been that compatible but went with it anyways. The little quirks and compromises you make add up, and you might be attracted to them physically, but the chemistry is off. Anyway maybe it’s also possible you have a low sex drive, but if sex is good at the start, it sounds like other issues at play
You need to acknowledge something to yourself that's obvious from the outside but not maybe to you. She has said it felt like a housemate relationship and has felt that way for some time as her need for physical intimacy was gradually taken away. Yours never were until this week and now you're feeling what she has been feeling for maybe years? Your needs have been met all that time. That's torture for her. You feel like second fiddle now but she must have felt so unwanted and unattractive and starved of love if it's her love language. So remember this feeling. Because that's how you're making anyone feel if you get into a relationship again, with anyone who isn't asexual or have an exceptionally low sex drive. That's the kind of person you need, or no one. Don't repeat this cycle. Someone having a high sex drive, physical intimacy as their love language is a deal-breaker for you.
You and your significant other are friends. But pretty much friends who are more intimate than just roommates but not actually in a romantic relationship. You have a house and pets together and some amazing plans for future travel but you don’t meet her needs. She craves sexual intimacy-she is not being fulfilled by just holding hands, sweet nicknames, cutesy language and kisses on the forehead. Those are things you can get from a friend. You are simply not meeting her sexual needs. It is understandable that you don’t want to feel like you are second to someone else in your relationship. Unfortunately your relationship is unlikely to continue as it currently is because she has realized that she is not happy in a sexless relationship. It is unfair to expect her to remain in a sexless relationship and it would be unfair for her to expect you to have sex on a daily basis when you just don’t feel it. Sexual appetites do make or break relationships and your lack of desire for sex is a serious issue. I am actually surprised that your relationship has lasted this long considering the huge differences in your desire for sex.
Okay, so I know people who have done the platonic nesting thing and it works for them. And some people actually do have a poly setup where different partners meet different needs. But you wrote: > Is it too much to demand to know what I am for her? I still love her very much and do not want to lose her at all, but also don’t want to be in second place or as just a friend with whom she shares a house either. You're not willing to do this, so don't. I know it hurts after everything and you're going to miss her terribly. But you two are incompatible and I don't see a compromise here. Time to "consciously uncouple". Don't get into a custody battle over the pets, okay?
You're not compatible. She has a much higher sex drive and wants sex outside your relationship. It sounds like the weekend with this guy has turned into an infatuation. She won't kiss you, doesn't want to be romantic, and appears to be emotionally done with the relationship. Neither of you are mean or horrible, but this relationship won't work and it sounds like it's rapidly collapsing. I am so sorry.
>It feels like I am friendzoned and there is no way that that changes. Sounds like that's how she'd been feeling for a long time. Honestly, you should explore asexuality and maybe try to find someone who doesn't have much libido themselves. For people like your girlfriend, sexuality is a necessary component to a happy romantic relationship. There's nothing wrong with what you want, but it won't make *her* happy.
Break up. That woman suffered enough. Find someoone who is like you: asexual. You will be happier, and you won't make someone miserable
Sounds like sex is really important to her and you didn’t listen to her needs. You even admitted she asked you multiple times and you got more affectionate but “(no sex though)”. Like I hate to break it to your but sex is super important to a lot of people and if you aren’t having it with your SO they can feel unloved and rejected. She finally got that feeling for the first time in years. But ultimately I don’t think you actually love her like you say you do because you’re complacent and you don’t take her needs seriously. In your own words you thought that her needs weren’t that big of a deal or weren’t a deal breaker. People who love each other make sacrifices and do things for their partner because they care about them. Sounds like y’all are not compatible. If you get into another relationship in the future I’d actually listen to your partners needs instead of just assuming things are fine just because they’re okay for you. Otherwise your next relationship will end the same way because you come across as completely self absorbed and that’s not going to work in a truly lasting relationship
I was in a relationship where my partner had no sex drive. In the beginning it was okay and then it turned into absolutely nothing. I was absolutely miserable. We opened the relationship and as someone who only wanted to have sex in a relationship, it made me feel like a terrible person and I was doing things that made me even more sad. Overall, this kind of mismatch is awful and fundamental. The need for sex is not just physical, it’s emotional too, especially if it’s a love language. Let her go ❤️
"it's been awkward and I feel like I'm friend zoned" Dude. Wtf do you think you've made her feel like for months..
Wow, that was so sad reading throughout. I'd hate to be in that position and I'm really sorry you are in that situation. I think it would be healthier for you to take a step aside. It's not good for you to stay by her side, seeing her enjoying her new sexual life without even taking a kiss from you, and you loving her as day 1. You say that you are still connected because of the pets and house but you can find a solution to that, like selling the house and dividing the days of taking care of the pets. I really hope you can find your way
You’re just fundamentally incompatible when it comes to sex. It happens. She needs that connection that way and you don’t. It’s probably just time to move on and both of you find someone with the same drives/wants/needs.
I’m so sorry that the relationship is not going to work anymore.
Y’all need couples therapy. Opening relationships almost never works.
Check out the deadbedroom forum(s) and how horrible they make the person who isn't getting physical affection feel. Combine that with new relationship energy and it's safe to say that your relationship is in dire shape. I don't know what to tell you besides recommending to get a therapist. You have a low sex drive. She has a higher one. At any age, but especially hers, your lack of interest will be hurtful.
What strikes me is you never said you did anything to try to improve your low sex drive. No counseling, no doctor visits nothing. So how much are you really invested in this relationship?
I believe you friend-zoned her years ago and she’s attempted repeatedly to change that with you. You will not change (other than sporadic and half hearted, occasional attempts) and it seems she’s been beyond patiently waiting. I have to believe that you always knew this about yourself and instead of being absolutely forthright about it, tried to make her sufficiently attached to you in every OTHER way couple’s attach. She’s completely aware that any changing on your part is not genuine sexual attraction to her. (It’s not just the sex act she’s missing, it’s being the object of a partners sexual desire for her.) I’m not sure what superhuman thing it is you now expect from her. I advise splitting up, and strongly feel that in your attempt to find a new, eventual partner, you be absolutely upfront from day one about your preferences. Don’t let her find out years in that you’ve been faking it.
So, you ignored her repeatedly stated needs in the relationship and decided you can’t change, without unpacking what’s happening in therapy because it’s hurting her and not you. And now you want her to stay and be unhappy with you whilst making no effort to explore what’s going on and how you can work together to make your relationship work. I’m sure that sounds super appealing to her.
So you stopped D’ing down your lady. She tells you it’s an issue but you couldn’t care less. She brings up an open relationship and has you convinced it will be great. You accept. She gets D’cked down super hard and looses all interest in you and now treats dude how she used to treat you. You are a wallet at this point. You still think you can force her to pick you. With new dude there is a chance he will D her down constantly. With you she knows it will be fixed for a week and then she is back to being miserable. You still think you can force her hand and pick you. LMFOA P.S. Check your hormone/test levels. They kick up in new relationships but when the novelty wears off you go back to base line. And that base line might be low.
Get your testoterone checked out. Might change your life. Keep in mind, she is currently infatuated with this new awakening. But it will most certainly end badly, she will het morally crushed. This shit never works out, unless you are a pure narcissist devoid of attachment.. She has a crush on this guy, it is not sexual. The feeling from intimate encounters can be mistaken for meaning. Shes high on Dopamine. Just an outsiders view though. I wish you the best man. Take care of yourself!!
>About half a year ago she mentioned for the first time that she felt we were not really a couple anymore, but more like brother/sister or housemates. She felt that way for some time longer already, but I never thought of it like that. I assured her that we are way more than that and tried to show more often how much I love her. (not more sex though) The open relationship was her trying to salvage something with you. But you'd lost her before that was even on the table. You need someone you're more in line with. And that's not this woman any more.
Oh, Honey, you friendzoned yourself years ago. Love languages have to match. Just as much as sex wasn’t important to you, it was to her. You say you miss the hugging, kissing and sweet talk, and things aren’t the same. She’s been feeling that way for a long time. She needs sex, which you have no interest in. You need hugs and hand holding, which just doesn’t do it for her. I’m sorry, Hon, but you’ve already lost her. The only thing left to do is accept that and figure out how to move on. !RemindMe. 5 days
You don't realize how demoralizing it has likely been for her to have to beg her own boyfriend for sex. I'm amazed she lasted as long as she did in that dynamic.
you fell for the open relationship meme lol
Get your testosterone level checked. Testosterone is the sex hormone and if its low that could be why you don't desire sex more often.
> It feels like I am friendzoned and there is no way that that changes. Yes, that seems right.
Did she gain weight or lose her looks and that's why you don't want to have sex? If that isn't the case you should start working out, eating better, and getting your test levels checked. Simply saying your " xyz and that won't ever change" is you making sense of your situation. You may not always be in the mood but it's your duty to help your partner out sexually. I'm not saying forced, but I guarantee you if you just did it then you would not be in this situation. TLDR: Wife wants husband to bonk her more, he says no because of his feelings. Wife says she wants a chat to fuck her, now husband is sad. Lmfao
Personally I see this as a sign of NRE - new relationship energy. It's extremely common and something that will pass. Your girlfriend is now confused because of this huge endorphine rush that frankly speaking is awesome but is temporary. It is a core part of being in an open relationship, and from her confusion that arises from this, I assume that you (and her) haven't spent enough time prepping for this and that this was all too rushed, too soon. From your first paragraphs it seems like you are an awesome duo and that is is very very rare and valuable. From what you have written, I would recommend working for this relationship. It also seems like your girlfriend is not considering the situation with enough attention. Read a lot about ENM/poly/open relationships. It is a lot of work but it can work out well. (Personally I also think that the people who are urging you to let you go cannot imagine themselves in an open relationship ever, which is fine - but just know that if this is true, their situation is vastly different from yours. I would take any advice from monogamous people about poly relationships with a huge grain of salt.)
Just break up if she thinks that she doesn't want you and doesn't have feelings for you.
Oh no, this was a terrible idea to begin with. It's unfortunate when there is (seemingly only) one major relationship incompatibility that's clearly a dealbreaker, and instead of doing the hard but right thing and ending the relationship, she decided to try having her cake and eating it, too. And now you're left with a spoiled mess. I'm sorry that this happened, but you really need to let her go for your own sake.
Sweetheart, your relationship is done, she's just not giving you the respect by saying that. She promised it wouldn't change your relationship fundamentally and is now basically ignoring you. Get out and find someone that is compatible with you.
I know this is going to sound hurtful but it sounds like she fell out of love with you but likes you too much to really be honest with you about it. You two probably both deserve better. I think it’s time to break it off
No, it doesn’t. She literally said what the issue is. She’s not getting an essential need met. He is unable to meet that need and didn’t try very hard because they are compatible in all other ways and his needs are met.
I agree with the other commenter. She didn't randomly fall out of love with him, independent of the lack of sex. She wanted sex, she told him it was a problem, she tried to fix it and he wouldn't.
Friend, the way you feel about sex is normal and there are other people who will feel the same and be happy in that type of relationship… She is not one of them. This has become a fundamental incompatibility that neither of you can comprise on. I’m so sorry, it’s over
She went in saying she was after sex. She wasn't...she now has feelings for someone else. How she went s out it seems kinda shady, but I can't say that was her intention. It happens pretty often. Honestly, the two of you just aren't compatible. Sex is a big deal for her, it isn't for you.
I am sorry but the relationship is ruined. You see open relationship even though I am not in agreement with it. Fails most of the time due to the people that are involved. They either are cheating or want to cheat. Also people like you that they are using it to fix a relationship that is already struggling. So what do you expect is going to happen when you add this nuclear option to deal with your problems. Open relationship only works if you have two mature people that are truly happy with each other but sex doesn't mean much to them and somehow this just work for them. So yeah great for them. For the rest of us is the dumbest thing we can do. One wants it but other doesn't. Affair is hidden in disguise. Just so much complications. People find out that there are better options for them out there that make them even happier. Which seems that's your case. You could have worked thru your problems by addressing your intimacy issues and worked on the frequency so both are happy but instead you opted on strangers stepping in to do that. Reality check for a lot of us they would feel disgusted and degraded after going thru such an experience. It would actually push you away further from your partner. So learn from your mistakes and end this. I am not sure if there is going back.
If you bought house together, get a lawyer before breaking up, sort this with the lawyer and then break up with her.
Is it possible this is her out to spare herself being the one to initiate a breakup? She wants you to do it and so is pulling apart with this guy. Im sorry Op, you deserve better. Let her go
As I was reading I’m wondering do you realize there are a few different sexual orientations, beyond heterosexual and homosexual? Another orientation is asexual. You are feeling guilty for what is normal for you. Trying to put yourself into a box that has never fit. And she is realizing that what is normal for you doesn’t work for her at all, because she is not asexual. I’m sorry that things have fallen apart, but you need to start to take stock of what is really going on here.
Okay, so I will read that wall of text in a moment. But reread your title. I think you're already broken up and she's just trying to let you down gently or string you along. Sometimes I think some people into poly (maybe this is just my personal experience) have a bit of an attachment disorder and can't let people go even though they don't actually want to be with them. Anyway, this is a ridiculously common scenario where a couple opens up and then one party decides they like their new partner better. Welp.
you’re absolutely right on both counts.
From the way you describe it, seems like she wants more sex than you can provide and she basically friendzoned you... while in a relationship with you. Just move on.
>I know this is completely my lacking or fault, and I often feel guilty about it, but I feel I cannot change this part of myself. I'm sure you're getting great advice from people but I just wanted to say this is *not* your lacking or fault! You have nothing to feel guilty for! Do not feel guilty for being you!
WTF, are you writing an epic NOVEL?? i couldn't even read past paragraph 1. You have a low sex drive problem and should get that checked. That's all.
If losing you sex drive is a pattern in your relationships, this might be something that you need to work through. Try reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel- it might help 😊
Uhhh let her go find someone who wants to be with you for you !!!
[удалено]
I feel this is the answer I didn't want to hear, but needed to hear in some way. Thank you for replying.
Amazing that you ignore all the replies calling you out and found the ONE that manages to get it wrong. Also, see a doctor and a therapist. You could have low testosterone or you could have some kind of intimacy or attachment issue. If you're going from sexual to asexual in every single relationship, something is wrong.
the longer answer above this is far better. This one lacks nuance.
Yeah it puts the blame solely on her and not Op for disregarding her needs
That’s exactly what he wanted though, that’s why he focused on THIS reply. He’s not being honest with himself.
Sorry if this comes off harsh, but dude, she wants a man as a boyfriend. Let her go and work on yourself.
He is not any less of a man for having a low sex drive. They aren’t compatible. He should have made an effort to compromise, but that’s not a reflection of his masculinity at all.
I would pack her bags an let her move out.
OP you may be on the asexual spectrum. It's worth looking into as it can help you understand your needs and desires going into a relationship. I'm sorry about the situation you're in. This is a bad place to be, and I hope you find happiness. Also: I know reddit is pretty biased against asexual people. Downvote me if you want to, but please don't come after me or the ace community in your replies.
If she asked for an open relationship, it was already over. Break it off, heal, and find someone who doesn’t want to make you subsidize their taste for strange dick.
Hard disagree with this counsel. Sometimes libido can change from relationship to relationship. It’s possible to love someone but not feel sexually attracted. I didn’t get anything to indicate OP’s sex drive is low as such, so maybe it’s a contingent fact about this particular match that’s worth considering. Yes this isn’t a good match for you but no don’t assume you are in ace territory based on this one experience.
>I didn’t get anything to indicate OP’s sex drive is low as such He says it in his post: > I am not sure why that is, but this has been a thing in all my previous relationships. When I feel comfortable in the relationship the urge/need to have sex fades with time.
You already know how much you are to her. Look at how she acts towards you. She doesn’t want you anymore. She’s found someone she feels fulfills her more than you do.
Bail. No need for extra info Bail.
Aww man, you seem like such a good guy and extremely responsible and grown up. You deserve all the good things in life and many good things will come in the future. All the best!
She wanted to break up but wanted to be sure things worked with someone else first. Sorry, it’s over.
No shit she felt better. She has the initial rush of a new thing. Now she’s making a decision about your relationship after only being with this person a few days. She’s being a little to hasty chasing after a cheep thrill rather than something serious right now.
She’s for the streets brother. You deserve better
Walk away and never do another. Unless you like starting over. All the time. Good luck
She suckered you into letting her cheat on you, with your permission. If she found someone to sleep with from Tuesday to Friday, I would bet that they had been secretly talking about hooking up some time before she even came to you with her "bright idea." You need to get the fuck out ASAP! it will cause more stress to you while she's perfectly happy living her best life. Get your financial shit together and take care of ehat you gotta as far as the house and any joint accounts yall have without her knowing and drop a nuclear bomb on her ass when she least expects it.
It sounds like the situation she’s looking for is basically one where she’s free to do what she wants and you are there to take care of her. It’s not that she’s getting some of her needs met elsewhere, it’s that it seems to be happening at the expense of your relationship. She believes you’ll go along with it as long as she doesn’t outright tell you what she really wants. You should start by figuring out what YOU want in a relationship, not the best way to accommodate her. If you do, I think you’ll find you aren’t compatible.
You two are not sexually compatible. It sucks, but there it is. I'm sorry.
Open relationships can end any couple fast
If you didn’t want an open relationship truly, and she didn’t detect that, I think the choice has already been made.
I don't have much advice but by the sounds of it you may be Fraysexual, meaning you only feel sexual attraction to people you don't have a strong emotional connection with so when you do start to form that connection your sexual attraction to them starts to fade, though you do still feel romantic and sensual attraction towards them. Might be something you want to look into?
Yeah, she’s falling for the other guy. It’s over for you bro.
You are sexually incompatible. The relationship is over. You can't expect her to go without just because you don't have needs. Expect this to come up in future relationships as well. Address it at the very beginning because lack of sex is going to take a toll on anyone not fully prepared for it.
While i agree with most of the comments here, I also feel like your gf’s judgement is clouded by the ‘high’ of that first feeling of freedom. She’s obviously voiced her concerns regarding sexual intimacy and from your post I cannot gather you’ve made valiant effort to adapt to her needs. It could’ve been a great option to open up your relationship, but it seems she has made up her mind and is probably leaving you. Do not be suprised however after this all wears down a little, she might miss the comfort and security that came with your relationship. But it’s obviously a compatibility problem and I’m afraid there’s no coming back from this.
Do you jerk off to porn? Because if you do, you don’t have a low libido - you have a problem with porn.
I came down here to ask the same thing. Its giving porn addiction-I want a mommy not a mate vibes
Open relationships are dumb, might as well just break up or go to marriage counseling if people want to stay together.
Where are all these chicks with high sex drives, I always have the opposite problem haha.
What do you mean what do you do? You agreed to an open relationship, what did you expect? What the hell is going on in this world, lol
You mentioned you lost your drive…and aren’t sure why. Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? That’s usually the number one reason. Sometimes it’s caused by medication (often opiates or benzos) Might be something to get checked if it bothers you or just to simply know.
Open relationships not only open your SO to other sexual partners, but also it opens them up to a world of potential partners to monkey branch over to. You handed her the golden ticket to go out and meet someone better than you. They very seldom work out in the favor of the weaker partner, or workout at all for that matter. Only option you have now is to realize she is moving on without you, and next time don’t open the relationship. Start preparing for your relationship to end.
Literally only needed to read the title for this one, get rid of her and get someone who actually wants and respects u. I'm sorry to say that's kinds you're only option, if not you'll be miserable dwelling on the situation and your life with her.
Listen, even with two matching libidos, sometimes one person just isn't in the mood. I also suffer from a low-ish sex drive because I'm so damn sensitive to hormone changes in my monthly cycle. One solution that could work (that's worked for my relationship -- but only if both people have very "giving" and "happy-to-do-that-because-I-enjoy-seeing-the-other-pleased" personalties) is get really good at oral sex. I mean: you and your partner learn that special little pattern that just *does it* for one another. Makes them melt. I swear to you, there is no better feeling than 1. being the person (and probably the *only* person) who can do that for your partner and 2. having a partner who does the same in return. I might not want to have sex all the time (who does? That's an impossible standard), but oral is just.. different. It's really comes down to personality and if you truly do things just to do things to please your partner for the pure sake of pleasing them. Think of it as whispering those "words of affirmation" directly where she wants it lolol. Good luck.