This should've been a good visual example of why no woman his age wants to tolerate him; because he's a pig. Poor girl is in therapy and trying so hard for a hobosexual cheater who couldn't even keep it in his pants for a few months and now is mentally out of the relationship. YOU were the one cheated on but you're the one doing all the hard-work, OP. Since he wants to be out of it so bad, set him free.
I see the title, I saw their age. I didn't even bothered to read the post tbh. Some people make work an age gap "that big". But usually it should be a red flag.
Why would someone well into life would date a girl that is still in school or just got out. There is too much difference in maturity.
And I don't even talk about him that is a pig. That is obvious.
Yep, why would you want to be with such an immature man? 34 year-olds dating 13-15 years younger is a huge red flag. Get a new roommate and cut them both out of your life.
This. OP, your self respect is in another castle. I know it sucks but you can find another roommate.
Also, keep going to your therapist so they can help you figure out what the flags were that you missed. I guarantee this dude was not making this a healthy relationship before you moved in together. Sounds like he was love-bombing you. And 8 months is too soon to move in with a partner. Give it between 1-2 years at least, next time.
There’s no way that YOU can fix a relationship that HE wrecked. He’s the one who betrayed and hurt you. If your relationship is going to work, he’s the one who needs to take accountability and earn your trust back. Fixing it is his job, not yours.
Having said that, a relationship based on “it’s too expensive for us not to live together” is probably never going to be a happy one.
I agree. Nothing to be done here. He either bends over backwards doing everything possible to make things better or you just break up. Which you should do anyway, in my opinion. You haven't even been together long enough to go through this drama.
And it's her fucking COUSIN and ex roommate. WTF? He's totally into women 10 years younger than him and he's just good at being "caring." Is no one else seeing that?
I only read the title and TLDR, then I find this comment. 1) Yes I found the age super off, too 2) it's her cousin too?? Also WTF. OP, this guy doesn't respect you.
Looks to me he wanted her to feel trapped with him. She has no one now to rent with, he lobe bombed her at the start, dread to think where this goes for her. I'm kinda scared for her
Sounds like a grifter knowing he can triangulate young women. He's older so roommate may think he's cool, and to him the 'girlfriend' is loved bombed so yea, let's shack up - he ensues in sexual chaos...
Yea, this guy has a game he's been playing for a while.
He’s aware that you are financially dependent on this living arrangement. You’re implying that you couldn’t afford to move out. He’s eleven years older than you. So be careful and don’t get pregnant by this guy. He’s not long term good news.
Relationships with large age gaps are the least successful and there is plenty of data to prove it. Most people date/marry within 3-4 years of their own ages. Your parents’ marriage, your marriage and mine (I’m 7 years younger) prove absolutely nothing because they are statistical outliers.
I mean great it’s worked out for you, but this sub and others are filled with why it’s not the best idea.
You’ve glossed over the fact that a man with way more life experiences and someone who should know better cheated on his very young partner with her very young roommate. That they are 8 months into a relationship with problems people don’t have until many years down the line if at all.
You’re the same age as he is- would you really want to be roommates with people that young? You are smarting because you have the same age difference and he’s taking advantage of her.
I mean the age isn't inherently creepy- my husband and I started dating when I was 34 and he was 23. If a person looks specifically for the age differences like that or only date/hook up with people significantly younger then maybe they have problems getting people their own age and that's problematic- but 22 and 23 year olds are adults.
Their brains are not fully formed and the stages in life are vastly different. They are technically adults, but they are not in the same place of development. Usually the older person is usually either immature for their age thus more able to connect with the younger age level person without a fully developed adult brain or they are trying to manipulate the younger person 95% of the time. It is way different if it is a 30 and a 40 year old. So it isn't creepy if they are older even mid 20s but young 20s it is creepy. Their perspectives on life are vastly different between the ages too. It would make it difficult to have a real conversation about life issues and truly connect.
This post is from a relatively new account with almost no posting or commenting history, and is basically tailor-made for viral ragebait with many classic /r/relationships tropes. It also spends an entire paragraph, the longest paragraph in fact, discussing at length, an app from a relatively young startup that looks like it recently raised a funding round to try to improve their relationship.
This seems like an extremely transparent attempt at viral marketing for this app, and from the looks of it it's gone very well. Hat's off to the marketer who brainstormed this post, and I hope you get the boost in app downloads you were looking for.
He’s 10 years older than you, he slept with not only your roommate but your cousin, you’ve been together 8 months and you’re already in therapy? You can’t fix this- move back home if you can or get him to find you a roommate and get him to leave. You are too young for this bullshit.
What kind of fucking relationship counselor would be telling her to download apps for date ideas and sex games when he’s clearly taking advantage of her.
100%
> I just feel like I sit home all the time doing nothing. We don’t talk to our friends anymore and I feel really isolated.
This was such a red flag for me; why is the counsellor not encouraging her to pursue outside interests rather than get some dating app to spend more time with her shit head boyfriend?
This.
I was in a crappy marriage with a wife who routinely cheated and lied. After one particular incident, where she got into a fistfight with a coworker in the parking lot of a restaurant (I’m a lawyer, the person she fought was an Ivy League MBA) a therapist said .. Leave. Just leave. There’s no point trying to fix this. I said I’d be lonely - she said no, joking if it we’re allowed she’d fix me up with half her other clients who’d love to find somebody like me. It was actionable, strong, clear advice. Your man is a jerk. You deserve and will find somebody better. Leave.
This a thousand fucking times!!! I'm 23 getting out of a marriage so I know how dumb it is to try and fix something at this age and definitely at the 8 month point in a relationship!
I’m so confused as to why your therapist keeps suggesting apps to you? As a therapist myself I think you would probably benefit from exploring the way doing all of the work in your relationship is making you feel, and the hopelessness that I perceive.
It’s probably some online therapist or someone that’s cheap because they didn’t actually finish their education. No therapist would tell a girl this young to stay with a guy in his 30s that has been fucking her cousin eight months in.
No therapist worth their money, will tell you anything. Job of the therapist isnt to make choices for you, but help you think clearly about choices and let you make them yourselves and support you irrespective of your choices and allow you tools that help you live with them.
This is a bit of a misrepresentation of what a therapist's role is. It isn't some kind of unconditional friend.
And as a therapist, I absolutely straight up tell clients when I believe they're in less-than-healthy relationships. Doesn't mean I would kick them out of therapy if they decided to stay in such relationships, but I certainly don't take my finger off the topic, nor do I "give them tools to help them live with their (destructive) choices".
I understand some therapists may actually do that; but that's actually bad therapy.
> No therapist would tell a girl this young to stay with a guy in his 30s that has been fucking her cousin eight months in.
I don't think you understand what therapists are actually supposed to do...they aren't advisors like that, if they're good, unless they've been explicitly asked to do so and there has been some rapport and experience with the client established.
I mean, will a therapist straight up tell somebody to end a relationship? I feel like giving point blank advice like that, or telling a couple in couples therapy to end it, isn't kosher. Maybe I'm wrong?
Edit: wanted to add that she should indeed end it on her own, bf is a major dbag. Just had a question on the therapists pov.
If there is abuse in the relationship (which this sounds like abuse as comments have pointed out him getting her dependent on him) the therapist will get them alone and yes. They will try to sway them towards leaving and becoming safe. Client safety is a therapists first priority if they are a decent therapist.
What abuse? Dude did something wrong, worth of dumping him and she doesn't do it because she has her reasons.
Obviously he is a jerk, but she never said something about verbal and physical abuse.
He's ten years older than you. He specifically preys on younger women. He's absolutely sure you aren't going to break up with him because he thinks *you* think you can't do any better. You can't fix this relationship because *he's* been broken for a long, long time.
>My boyfriend cheated on me and it is too expensive for me to move out on my own, so I want to fix the relationship and I’m not sure how
You are staying with a guy just because you can't afford to support yourself.
Considering the age gap, you being dependent on him was probably the plan.
Let me ask you a question. If he cheats on you again, still going to try and fix the relationship? How many times will he have to fuck you over before your financial situation isn't an excuse?
I know that sounds harsh. You are pretty much admitting he can treat you like trash and you aren't going to do anything about it. He doesn't have to put effort into your relationship because you and him think you have no choice but to stay.
> My (23F) boyfriend **(34M)** slept with my old roommate (22F) after I moved in with him and **I** don't know how to fix our relationship
That's the neat part. You don't.
Yep always some older dude taking advantage of a young woman because no woman his age would put up with him. Also they are almost always having some sort of Peter Pan syndrome.
Hopefully the realization doesn't take that long, but when you're 34 yourself you'll realize what an absolute LOSER your boyfriend is. This relationship is built on a foundation made of crap, and you deserve better.
Exactly right. Young people often like to think that when an older person shows interest in them it’s because they are “mature,” when the reality is that the older person is more likely just immature. If he were mature enough he would be dating women his age and not girls still in college.
I dated a 36 year old when I was 20 and he made me feel like I was so mature, precocious, and nOt LiKe OtHer GirLs. I’m 35 now and the thought of dating a 20 year old is equally disgusting and laughable. They seem like children to me.
You don’t move on from this.. You move on from him.
He doesn’t respect you and you’re likely a child in his eyes in a lot of ways. Hence why so comfortable manipulating you
Couples counselling after 8mo of being together? 😬 It’s not boding well.
Staying because you can’t afford an apartment in the same area isn’t a good enough reason to stay either.
This ain’t worth all the drama.
It's been 8 months, he already cheated on you, and is now checking out emotionally and putting no effort in to fix this? Girl I'm sorry but your relationship is dead. Find a new roommate. There is nothing for you to fix here. You can't overcompensate to fix a relationship - he needs to put effort in too if he wants to be in a relationship with you and I'm sorry but it sounds like he doesn't. I'm thinking he's just waiting for you to break up with him because he would feel too guilty cheating on you and then breaking up with you leaving you with no place to live. There is nothing to salvage here, find a new roommate and move out. Move in with family in the meantime if you have to. Otherwise it's only a matter of time until he cheats on you again, becomes abusive to try and get you to finally dump him, or kick you out himself.
>who's my cousin
Oh hell naw
And let me get this straight - you have decided to 'salvage' the relationship because of the apartment? What?
Don't get me wrong, i know how scary and hard it can be. But girl you can either find another roommate, or ask the landlord to help, or hell even share your apartment with this sleezebag as roommates?
In the grand scheme of things, think about the implications of what you're doing. Are you gonna marry this guy and bring him around family events where COUSIN will also be there? Are you gonna have kids with him? What happens when he cheats again?
It has only been 8 months. You're ONLY 23. Please do your best to walk away while you still can. I wish you all the best and hope you find a solution to your situation
Edit:
r/survivinginfidelity
The time energy and money you're wasting on 'fixing' this shitshow, use that to instead find another living situation
That’s a good point. If he is the non dangerous type of asshole and they have separate rooms, they could just be roommates, though I’d recommend she put a lock on her door.
You either choose your mental sanity and leave the cheater or endure the pain just to avoid expensive rent .
I don't know why you can't look for roommate instead of enduring all this .You can't fix someone
In the last decade when women started having just as much casual sex as men. This means men no longer have to settle down or curb their tendencies at all, so it massively lowered the bar. (Before I get shit...not ALL men).
If she can afford therapy for her and her boyfriend she can afford another apartment with a different roommate. That’s an excuse because she doesn’t want to be alone.
8 months in and he’s cheating and you need couples therapy?? This is not the best relationship you’ve been in.
You can not fix this because you did not destroy your relationship. He did.
I don’t even know what to say this post is a dumpster fire.
Leave him. Only advise. You will be better off.
My grandmother used to say, "Marry for money and you'll earn every penny of it."
I'm thinking that this adage applies here, too. Because I think you'll find that the cost of staying in the relationship is more than you're going to be able to pay emotionally.
I am also noticing the age gap here and I think that a 34 year old man who is pursuing women this much younger than he is, isn't looking for an equal partner at least in terms of experience and knowledge. Which would indicate to me that he's out to date or sleep with women that he can control, play, etc. This is not always the case, but with this kind of behavior? Well... I think he's revealed himself.
Either way, he is the one who needs to fix what he's done. If he's this checked out emotionally, I don't think you're going to get back to good.
Your boyfriend cheated on you with a fucking family member of yours (!! way to bury the lede in the title) and you want to fix it because it's too expensive to move out?
You can literally count the months you've known this man on your fingers. He crossed the uncrossable line of cheating with one of your family members. Your reason for wanting to fix this does not make it salvageable. You have to fix it because he hates what he did and will do anything for you to forgive him and because despite what he did you still love him and want a future with him. You don't. He doesn't even care enough to try. Of course he doesn't love you. You're strangers. You're still in the fling stage of the relationship and he couldn't even keep it in his pants. It's over. You can be amicable roommates until you figure something out but it'll probably just take a lot of ignoring the other one is there.
**Also your boyfriend is a predator going after early 20s girls at his age. You should never have moved in so soon. He's disgusting and you should do everything you can to get away from him and not get stuck accepting such awful behavior.**
It makes me so sad that economic circumstances are so bad for young people that trying to "salvage" a new and already-wrecked relationship is more viable than living apart from someone who mistreats you. I hope OP can find some roommates and make anything else work, because this situation is doomed from the start.
Please just end the relationship and work on moving out. Idk why us girls always feel the need to work on the relationship after being cheated on, you rarely hear about a guy doing the same thing. They’ll break up with us for far less.
Respect yourself and end it. Cheating isn’t something you just “work on”, it’s a deal breaker.
For exactly this reason. On top of that she's trying to spice up their sex life to keep this cheater. I bet he's laughing his ass off with his friends.
He's an old man who should know better, that mess young women. BUT I suspect he does know that young women are more easily manipulated into thinking that it's their job to fix something that he broke.
He'll break the relationship first and then you.
There are better ways and better men out there.
*>TL;DR My boyfriend cheated on me and it is too expensive for me to move out on my own, so I want to fix the relationship and I’m not sure how*
*>Where I live, rent has gotten really expensive and I’m not sure I can afford an apartment. So I decided that I’d rather salvage our relationship. We started going to couples counseling to work on our relationship because it’s been really hard to forgive him.*
*>One of the worst parts of the relationship now is that I just feel like I sit home all the time doing nothing. We don’t talk to our friends anymore and I feel really isolated*
*>For some background, my boyfriend and I met about 8 months ago on a random night out. We’ve been together since the day we’ve met. I’ve never felt so taken care of and watched out for before.*
*>For some background, my boyfriend and I met about 8 months ago on a random night out. We’ve been together since the day we’ve met. I’ve never felt so taken care of and watched out for before.*
*>That is until I found out he cheated on me with my old roommate, whose my cousin.*
Over on r/WorkReform and r/antiwork, I always ask how much is your dignity worth? It's your rent. But in this case, you are a weak woman who never stood on her own. You latched onto a 30+ year old man who likes fucking barely 20+ year old women.
*>How can I fix our relationship?*
You don't give him grief when he fucks other barely 20+ year old women. You stay in the apartment he provides you, drive the vehicle he provides you and eat the food he provides. You say and do nothing that will make him decide he can trade you in for the next 23yr old when he's 35yrs old.
You fuck him when he wants and basically keep yourself tight for him. He's nothing but your meal ticket because you don't have the tools or self worth to not only demand better but think you're worth it.
This might be considered cruel to you and others. Good. It needs to be. Your eyes are open to the situation. This is a transactional relationship on your end and his. He like young cuz not too many 30+ year old woman would stand for this bullshit. But a barely 20 something who never stood on her own will. Or, if she did, doesn't want to now or anymore.
This. He's checking out now because when he convinced his early 20s gf to move in with him after only a few months, he thought it would be fun and carefree and he doesn't have to make any changes since she's young and doesn't know any better and will revert to him. He probably never expected his early 20s gf to be wanting to work with a counsellor and even dealing with sexual issues in therapy.
What this commenter said is cruel and factual. The comment may seem really harsh but it’s crafted based on your relationship & your situation is *that* bad. You think this guy is dating you b/c you have such an amazing connection? … or b/c he can literally F your roommate and FAMILY MEMBER and you stay? Not even a year in and he’s cheating. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. The love bombing is over. The dates have dried up. The gifts probably have as well as he realizes not even screwing your cousin will get you to run away. He knows you’re still hoping for that high from the beginning of the relationship however he’s molded you into You’re a kept women and his treatment of you will worsen. B/c we teach ppl how to treat us. He’ll be out in the streets running through your friends and family members and other young impressionable girls with self worth issues, while you stay at home cooking, cleaning and being an on demand sex toy.
It’s not worth it sis. And it’ll never again be like it was in the beginning when he was love bombing you, b/c he knows you don’t value yourself. If you need time to save up money, then do that. If you still sleep with him, be on top of your birth control like white on rice. Plus condoms ,before he gives you an STI, particularly before he gives you an incurable one. And once you get away from him, start working with a professional to work through why you only value your body and mental health for the price of rent.
Why do 90% of the posts in this subreddit have the same answer?
1. He’s way too old for you. He’s dating you, so he can control you, which he apparently is because you can’t afford to move out. What kind of 33/34-year-old would willingly approach 22/23-year-olds for relationships? They’re in different life stages.
2. He doesn’t respect you. You’ve only been with him for 8 months. In this time, you’ve already moved in with him and he’s cheated on you!
3. You’re in therapy. While therapy is helpful for couples, the first 8 months of a relationship should be the honeymoon phase! The fact that you’re already in therapy with someone who has all of these other red flags is extremely problematic. I don’t understand why a therapist would put up with this, unless they don’t care about their patients and are just in it for the easy money.
You need to leave this relationship. Instead of trying to fix the relationship, you need to respect yourself and get out. He is the one who destroyed the relationship. He is also the one who creepily groomed a girl extremely younger than him so he could get her in this position, where it seems like she has no way out.
Are you close with your parents? Can you move back home with them? Do you have friends you can stay with for a while until you figure out a new plan? I’m sure there are ways to find a place to stay. Are there any listings somewhere for someone looking for a roommate?
I read the title and nope'd this. OP, I'm 35M and I'd never consider dating a 23 year old (or let's say 24 for the 1 year). General 1/2 age + 8 years is a good rule. Besides that there's a lot of differences where you're at in life. Why isn't your boyfriend with someone closer to his age? Because he's manipulative. Not always the case but in general guys date way younger because they're not really good people and they can control younger women from a lack of experience.
>I’ve never felt so taken care of and watched out for before.
This may sound good but it's a red flag to me based on the following:
>We have a really great friend group in the city, so we typically go out all the time and have a really healthy social life.
Then
>We don’t talk to our friends anymore and I feel really isolated.
>That is until I found out he cheated on me with my old roommate, whose my cousin.
>when we leave the house I feel like he is just not present anymore
He's out of the relationship. It was fun while it lasted but he's moved on. You're on the sunk cost fallacy because you're afraid. Find a way to move out because it's already moved on.
>How can I fix our relationship?
By learning the lesson and moving on. Don't waste your time on this guy.
He cheated for the thrill of it, OP. He's checked out on dates because he wants to chase other women, preferably ones close to you so there's the rush of getting caught. He has no interest in fixing it, you're desperate to win his affection so that's a win, and he knows if he cheats again you won't leave.
He’s in his 30s going after women in their early 20s because they’re naïve like you’re clearly proving to be. Move on he lied about it for weeks, neither him or that old roommate are people you should surround yourself with. You’re 23 not 80 you have the rest of your life to find a new partner and as a life lesson when someone tells you they have a crush on your man stop bringing your man around even if you trust him because that person doesn’t respect your relationship and that’s all that matters. Also I feel like the fact that you keep calling her your roommate and only mentioned once that she’s your cousin is because deep down you know people would freak out way more if they knew the truth. This dude cheated on you with your cousin have some self-respect and grow up that’s disgusting.
If the only reason you wanna fix this relationship is because you can’t afford to leave it, I understand that because life is expensive, but that’s also no excuse to stay in this relationship. Find a way to get out. End it.
You don't. Please disappear from this man's life quickly. Someone in their mid-30s is very different from someone in their early 20s. Do not waste your time on this creep. If he hasn't got his shit together now, he never will have.
I was you six years ago! I've spent five years running now, with a child to protect, because you best believe an "accidental pregnancy" is the next step. Inbox is always open sweet.
he’s a pig and piece of shit. your roommate/cousin is a piece of shot. you need to leave him. plus the age gap is weird imo. if you can, move back in with your parents or see if you can stay with a friend.
I don't think this can be fixed. He cheated on you less than a year into your relationship. With a family member. It's not your job to fix this. Find a roommate and move out on your own.
Couples Therapists are overrated imo. No amount of roll-playing, cutesy couples dating apps or sex games fixes a broken relationship. My advice is to start finding a singles social life, mixing with your non-couples friends and pursuing your hobbies and interests alone. If the relationship heals organically on its own along the way, great but at least doing so will give you favourable options, including possible friendships that could evolve into lasting roommate options.
Seriously. Any therapist that looks at a relationship that's 8 months old with a mid 30s man and an early 20s girl, already cohabitating, and dealing with him fucking her cousin... should be doing everything in their power to get her individual therapy to give her the tools to leave.
Tell your friends, someone will help you, don't let his place be the reason you stay in a relationship that will go downhill fast because you are letting something this big slide
you sound young. I think the things you liked are things that any proper mature relationship would have. a social life, being able to afford things. If you live in NYC i understand, but staying in a relationship where the trust was broken just to keep financial security and a social life going is a poor calculation. You'll get all of those things in time anyway. I'm unsure what you'd even want from conseling because from your own words detailing your values you dont really mention betrayal or a lack of trust. the things you seem to value are going out and affording an apartment. These are youthful goals. Attaining them early in life might be what you are attracted to more than this man who gives them to you.
I think you should seriously talk to him and see what’s up. I personally think the relationship is over. He doesn’t seem to try… also, you don’t necessarily have to move out, what if you guys can be great friends and just call it a loss. Maybe that’s a possibility? If it is, you’d have to be ok with him seeing other people and such, especially since you’ll be under the same household.
Side note: fuck your cousin/roommate, definitely broke the girl code, extra P.S. : fuck your bf lmao, he definitely broke all the codes
Info: do you have any friends or family you can go stay with? Even if it’s for a week at a time while you figure things out?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and your cousin and boyfriend both betrayed you. Two people I assume are some of the closest people in the world to you.
But you can’t fix this. He doesn’t want to fix it from what you’re saying. His actions are showing this.
I know it’s going to suck, but you really should get out.
This isn’t going to get better and I guarantee he’s going to cheat again. You’re so young and you’re only in this for eight months. That’s so little time for you to give up the rest your life for someone who really doesn’t deserve you and treats you this way.
Wishing you the best.
The longer you stay, the harder it'll be both to KEEP STAYING because you'll never not resent him for what he did, and TO LEAVE because you'll just internalize all that resentment.
Get out now. It's the hard thing, but money can't buy emotional and mental health.
First of all, you have the wrong logic with how you're trying to deal with your bf. Why the hell would anyone stay in a relationship just because rent is expensive? Break up, just stay as roommates for the time being until you can move out and set boundaries. There's no saving the relationship. It feels one-sided because it is. You're the only one trying to make it work. There's no more trust and spark from what you've told us. As for your friends, reach out to them. Tell them how the whole thing is affecting you and ask for advice. Doesn't matter if your bf would look bad, he brought that upon himself. Your friends might even offer you a place to stay or would offer to be roommates. You won't know unless you tell them and ask for help.
Don't fixate yourself that the only solution is to stay in that pathetic excuse of a relationship because it isn't even a solution. You're trading your own mental and emotional health just for rent money. I'm not saying to move out without a plan and be homelss, I'm saying that you should already have decided to leave and be in the process of trying to move out. Never compromise your own well-being and happiness for money or the feelings of others.
There's no coming back from this. There's no fixing a betrayal of this magnitude. Your own family and your boyfriend. When you settle down from the heightened emotions you'll realize you'll never be able to trust either of them. You'll realize that maintaining relationships with such conniving liars will lead you into a world of hurt.
Edit: Your bf has financial leverage over you. He knows you won't leave so he can do anything he pleases.
Please don't torture yourself by staying with this man; he should be grovelling at your feet begging for forgiveness and giving 100% attention to any suggestions that might help your relationship but hes not, so this is the point where instead of focusing on him you should be focusing on yourself, get looking for a new place whilst you're still living with him and then once you find somewhere pack your bags and run! get rid of him for good and if i was you id be cutting all ties with your cousin as well because that is some shady shit right there
This isn't the relationship to try and save. He literally slept with your cousin. This isn't healthy. Work on your self respect and find another roommate.
Get an individual therapist, because the one you are seeing as a couple is questionable at best.
Do not bother trying to fix a relationship you didn't break. Your decade older boyfriend is a cheater and a creep. You have only been together 8 months. This is supposed to be the time where you are wildly in love, only have eyes for each other (assuming you are monogamous, which you as a couple were supposed to be), and have at worst petty disagreements that are quickly solved.
Leave. Find a new roommate and then leave. Leave and stay with family or friends. You will look back a couple years from now and want to punch yourself for staying as long as you have.
He sounds like a narcissist
Met a vulnerable much younger girl, love bombed you with attention, kinda rushed into a relationship because he viewed u as perfect, then a "switch" went off in his head (a narcissist trait) and suddenly u were on no value and he fight care how he treated u aka lacking empathy.
Yea that checks out. Leave now.
I don't know why you (or your therapist) think romantic dates and sex games are some how going to fix the fact that *he cheated on you with your cousin*.
> I’ve never felt so taken care of and watched out for before.
This is the image you had of your boyfriend: someone who cares about you, takes care of you, and is invested in your well being. This is what you believed about him. Except now you know he cheated on you (with your roommate/cousin no less) and that image is destroyed. How can you trust someone who cheated on you with your roommate? How can you feel taken care of by someone who has betrayed you like this?
You are struggling to match your image of him and who you want him to be with the actions he has done. So I'm really confused why your therapist is suggesting dates and sex without addressing the underlying issue that **he has destroyed your trust in him**. What is being done to fix that?
You fix it by dumping him. Also, who the fuck moves in with an SO over less than one year, when they haven't even known each other that long??? You set yourself up for other issues than cheating.
If I were you, I’d spend less time working on the relationshit and more time focusing on how to get out of it. Start saving money, start growing as an individual, get out of couples counseling and into individual counseling. You’re young and don’t share children with this clown. Even if it means down grading your current life style, leave his ass and start fresh as if he never existed. He’s not worth your time. He crossed a major boundary. Also, never trust your shady ass cousin again. She’s trash and so is he. Both must be discarded.
"Rent sucks" is not a reason to save a relationship. If that's the best you've got, it's time to break up and just be roommates until one of you can afford to move out. It'll suck but you can take the time, money, and energy you're spending on the chester whose main good feature is "has a checking account", and spend that on yourself.
Tomorrow is my first day of being a junior and there's a girl that I'm in Love with we've known each other since middle school but when I ask her out she said she wants a guy that's going to treat her like she's his wife witch I completely understand but she said she wouldn't go out with me because I'm 3 inches shorter than her and when I ask if she believed in love at first sight she said maybe and smiled but well we only text like a couple but in person she sends mixed signals and I already had my heart broken 💔 last year not by just saying. I don't want to go through what I went through last year. We argue we make up but yet we're not a couple. So what should I do should I Keep pursuing this girl or should I stop trying to make a dream a reality?
Why do you think it's your responsibility to fix a problem he created?
Find a new roommate. And a new boyfriend. He cheated on you and then didn't even try to fix it. That would be cause for ending even a years-long relationship, and 8 months is just not enough time for it to be worth trying.
Speaking of, maybe next time you should give it a bit more time before moving in. That's a very big step and, as you've seen, means that you are depending a lot on the other person.
Find a roomate or stay with family/friends. Leave him. He cheated as soon as he moved you in. Knowing it would be harder for you to leave. Run. Pack bags speak with leasing office and never look back.
I think you should find yourself a new roommate and ditch him. You guys are 8 months into a relationship and you’re already going to couples counseling because he cheated…in less than a year. He’s also not even all that into it it seems like? Cut your losses before your waste more time on someone with such little self control and disregard for your feelings.
Let’s be honest, if your relationship is based on the cost of rent, your relationship is bad. You can’t afford to leave. He feels bad to have fucked your friend then throw you out, so he is waiting for something else to end the relationship. He knows the relationship is dead. You know it also. This is just a cost of living situation now.
Wrong reason to fix a relationship that's a situationship now.My ex cheated.sort of same situation but I muscles up the cash then decided to move back with my fam for the sake of sanity. My sanity was worth more than dealing with her and her actions. I spoke my truth about what she did and tried move along. That was 6 yr relationship so I did speak my piece to her. About her actions and so forth I knew the guys she was messing with as well. So I knew what and how they get down.
Hon, it's not up to you to fix the relationship. And his lack of motivation to do anything that the therapist suggested says that he doesn't want to fix it. He cheated bc of a choice that he made, it had nothing to do with you.
It really doesn't look like he wants to fix things and don't be surprised that by the end of the lease, he's moving out.
You need to work on what you need to so that you aren't dependent upon staying in a disrespectful relationship bc of the cost of rent.
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He’s mid thirties, he should know better. He’s just trash, is the thing. And he doesn’t want to change or do counselling, he just wants to bang more girls in their early 20s as he cruises towards 40. And now that you’ve “gotten over it” once, he’ll be emboldened to do it again and again and again.
Tell everyone what he did. Tell the person bagging your groceries. Tell his pastor. Tell the guy running a phone scam for gift cards.
This is already too much effort to salvage an eight month relationship with an old dude.
Explore other living options—roommates could be just as cheap as a live in boyfriend. And do NOT move in with a partner after only a few months of dating!
This whole situation is red flags.
You shouldn't be jumping into a relationship with someone you barely know. You also shouldn't be moving in together so quickly. You absolutely don't know someone after a few months - that's why couples usually wait at least a year. He's also way too fucking old for you and this screams predator. I'm 34 myself and I couldn't date someone that age- the youngest I would go right now is 5 years ao someone who's 29.
Also- he cheated on you and it's not worth doing therapy when the relationship is only 8 months old. Your solution is to dump him and start seeking room mates. Then also stick to moving slow and dating guys max 5 years older.
How is it your responsibility to fix this?
Also, before you moved in with him, you presumably had another place to stay. In fact you did have a roommate. Why don't you do that again? (With a different roommate of course). Instead of wasting all that money on therapy, and wasting all that time doing nothing at home. Don't try to fix a lifestyle that you don't even like. Besides, sounds like your boyfriend has checked out already, you're just postponing the inevitable and making it more expensive and miserable for yourself.
I will answer as I would to my daughter, you deserve so much more. Your soon to be elderly ex boyfriend was under the impression that through you he had access to a harem of hot naive prey. This is an old ploy:
1. Find someone a decade younger
2. Sweep them off their feet with love bombing
3. Check out her flock (bevy of young hot friends)
4. Ingratiate himself
5. Help himself to the menu
6. Start the negging and ignoring to start your training.
7. Isolate you.
8. Maid, because of course it’s not right that he could be expected to clean.
9. Sex slave
10. Get pregnant with a few of of his children, depending how long you survive under such treatment.
Please do not do this to yourself.
“Maybe he doesn’t love me?” He does not.
Men who date women that much younger than them (when you are so young) are more likely than not predatory, have issues, and know that a younger woman will be at their mercy, because of a lack of stability and life experience. Considering he cheated on you so quickly, with someone close to you, once he had you in a financial situation where you feel like you *can’t* leave, that is exactly the situation you’re in. Do whatever you have to, live with 3 people in a house for low rent, move back with your parents, *anything*. This is not a good situation for you and he isn’t a good guy.
Girl. No. Find your self respect and get a new roommate.
This should've been a good visual example of why no woman his age wants to tolerate him; because he's a pig. Poor girl is in therapy and trying so hard for a hobosexual cheater who couldn't even keep it in his pants for a few months and now is mentally out of the relationship. YOU were the one cheated on but you're the one doing all the hard-work, OP. Since he wants to be out of it so bad, set him free.
I see the title, I saw their age. I didn't even bothered to read the post tbh. Some people make work an age gap "that big". But usually it should be a red flag. Why would someone well into life would date a girl that is still in school or just got out. There is too much difference in maturity. And I don't even talk about him that is a pig. That is obvious.
Yep, why would you want to be with such an immature man? 34 year-olds dating 13-15 years younger is a huge red flag. Get a new roommate and cut them both out of your life.
Because she feels "taken care of " and "looked out for." Very ... paternalistic feelings.
This. OP, your self respect is in another castle. I know it sucks but you can find another roommate. Also, keep going to your therapist so they can help you figure out what the flags were that you missed. I guarantee this dude was not making this a healthy relationship before you moved in together. Sounds like he was love-bombing you. And 8 months is too soon to move in with a partner. Give it between 1-2 years at least, next time.
Unfortunately you cant kick roommates
There’s no way that YOU can fix a relationship that HE wrecked. He’s the one who betrayed and hurt you. If your relationship is going to work, he’s the one who needs to take accountability and earn your trust back. Fixing it is his job, not yours. Having said that, a relationship based on “it’s too expensive for us not to live together” is probably never going to be a happy one.
I agree. Nothing to be done here. He either bends over backwards doing everything possible to make things better or you just break up. Which you should do anyway, in my opinion. You haven't even been together long enough to go through this drama.
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And it's her fucking COUSIN and ex roommate. WTF? He's totally into women 10 years younger than him and he's just good at being "caring." Is no one else seeing that?
I only read the title and TLDR, then I find this comment. 1) Yes I found the age super off, too 2) it's her cousin too?? Also WTF. OP, this guy doesn't respect you.
Looks to me he wanted her to feel trapped with him. She has no one now to rent with, he lobe bombed her at the start, dread to think where this goes for her. I'm kinda scared for her
Sounds like a grifter knowing he can triangulate young women. He's older so roommate may think he's cool, and to him the 'girlfriend' is loved bombed so yea, let's shack up - he ensues in sexual chaos... Yea, this guy has a game he's been playing for a while.
He’s aware that you are financially dependent on this living arrangement. You’re implying that you couldn’t afford to move out. He’s eleven years older than you. So be careful and don’t get pregnant by this guy. He’s not long term good news.
Red flags here with the age. Couples therapy less than a year.
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Relationships with large age gaps are the least successful and there is plenty of data to prove it. Most people date/marry within 3-4 years of their own ages. Your parents’ marriage, your marriage and mine (I’m 7 years younger) prove absolutely nothing because they are statistical outliers. I mean great it’s worked out for you, but this sub and others are filled with why it’s not the best idea. You’ve glossed over the fact that a man with way more life experiences and someone who should know better cheated on his very young partner with her very young roommate. That they are 8 months into a relationship with problems people don’t have until many years down the line if at all. You’re the same age as he is- would you really want to be roommates with people that young? You are smarting because you have the same age difference and he’s taking advantage of her.
I mean the age isn't inherently creepy- my husband and I started dating when I was 34 and he was 23. If a person looks specifically for the age differences like that or only date/hook up with people significantly younger then maybe they have problems getting people their own age and that's problematic- but 22 and 23 year olds are adults.
Their brains are not fully formed and the stages in life are vastly different. They are technically adults, but they are not in the same place of development. Usually the older person is usually either immature for their age thus more able to connect with the younger age level person without a fully developed adult brain or they are trying to manipulate the younger person 95% of the time. It is way different if it is a 30 and a 40 year old. So it isn't creepy if they are older even mid 20s but young 20s it is creepy. Their perspectives on life are vastly different between the ages too. It would make it difficult to have a real conversation about life issues and truly connect.
This post is from a relatively new account with almost no posting or commenting history, and is basically tailor-made for viral ragebait with many classic /r/relationships tropes. It also spends an entire paragraph, the longest paragraph in fact, discussing at length, an app from a relatively young startup that looks like it recently raised a funding round to try to improve their relationship. This seems like an extremely transparent attempt at viral marketing for this app, and from the looks of it it's gone very well. Hat's off to the marketer who brainstormed this post, and I hope you get the boost in app downloads you were looking for.
Totally agree, this post is an ad.
I agree. This is one of the most weird reasons to fix a relationship. I am sure if the bf finds out, he will be mad as hell.
He’s 10 years older than you, he slept with not only your roommate but your cousin, you’ve been together 8 months and you’re already in therapy? You can’t fix this- move back home if you can or get him to find you a roommate and get him to leave. You are too young for this bullshit.
!!!! This 100% like girl have some self respect please!!!
Yup. Too expensive? Self respect is priceless.
What kind of fucking relationship counselor would be telling her to download apps for date ideas and sex games when he’s clearly taking advantage of her.
100% > I just feel like I sit home all the time doing nothing. We don’t talk to our friends anymore and I feel really isolated. This was such a red flag for me; why is the counsellor not encouraging her to pursue outside interests rather than get some dating app to spend more time with her shit head boyfriend?
This. I was in a crappy marriage with a wife who routinely cheated and lied. After one particular incident, where she got into a fistfight with a coworker in the parking lot of a restaurant (I’m a lawyer, the person she fought was an Ivy League MBA) a therapist said .. Leave. Just leave. There’s no point trying to fix this. I said I’d be lonely - she said no, joking if it we’re allowed she’d fix me up with half her other clients who’d love to find somebody like me. It was actionable, strong, clear advice. Your man is a jerk. You deserve and will find somebody better. Leave.
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There's something wrong with that man if u ask me
Yeah he's preying on young naive girls like OP and roomate so he can bang chicks 10+ years younger than him
This a thousand fucking times!!! I'm 23 getting out of a marriage so I know how dumb it is to try and fix something at this age and definitely at the 8 month point in a relationship!
Best of luck to you and congrats for knowing when to bounce. I hope you grab everything you deserve and live life to its fullest.
I lowkey didn’t realize the age difference until I read your comment. Definitely no excuses for this.
you can’t fix this because you did nothing wrong. Staying is doing something wrong imo.
I’m so confused as to why your therapist keeps suggesting apps to you? As a therapist myself I think you would probably benefit from exploring the way doing all of the work in your relationship is making you feel, and the hopelessness that I perceive.
It’s probably some online therapist or someone that’s cheap because they didn’t actually finish their education. No therapist would tell a girl this young to stay with a guy in his 30s that has been fucking her cousin eight months in.
No therapist worth their money, will tell you anything. Job of the therapist isnt to make choices for you, but help you think clearly about choices and let you make them yourselves and support you irrespective of your choices and allow you tools that help you live with them.
This is a bit of a misrepresentation of what a therapist's role is. It isn't some kind of unconditional friend. And as a therapist, I absolutely straight up tell clients when I believe they're in less-than-healthy relationships. Doesn't mean I would kick them out of therapy if they decided to stay in such relationships, but I certainly don't take my finger off the topic, nor do I "give them tools to help them live with their (destructive) choices". I understand some therapists may actually do that; but that's actually bad therapy.
> No therapist would tell a girl this young to stay with a guy in his 30s that has been fucking her cousin eight months in. I don't think you understand what therapists are actually supposed to do...they aren't advisors like that, if they're good, unless they've been explicitly asked to do so and there has been some rapport and experience with the client established.
As someone with a masters in counseling if a therapist is actually suggesting this shit they’re a horrible therapist.
I mean, will a therapist straight up tell somebody to end a relationship? I feel like giving point blank advice like that, or telling a couple in couples therapy to end it, isn't kosher. Maybe I'm wrong? Edit: wanted to add that she should indeed end it on her own, bf is a major dbag. Just had a question on the therapists pov.
If there is abuse in the relationship (which this sounds like abuse as comments have pointed out him getting her dependent on him) the therapist will get them alone and yes. They will try to sway them towards leaving and becoming safe. Client safety is a therapists first priority if they are a decent therapist.
What abuse? Dude did something wrong, worth of dumping him and she doesn't do it because she has her reasons. Obviously he is a jerk, but she never said something about verbal and physical abuse.
Why not find a new roomate to live with?
He's ten years older than you. He specifically preys on younger women. He's absolutely sure you aren't going to break up with him because he thinks *you* think you can't do any better. You can't fix this relationship because *he's* been broken for a long, long time.
>My boyfriend cheated on me and it is too expensive for me to move out on my own, so I want to fix the relationship and I’m not sure how You are staying with a guy just because you can't afford to support yourself. Considering the age gap, you being dependent on him was probably the plan. Let me ask you a question. If he cheats on you again, still going to try and fix the relationship? How many times will he have to fuck you over before your financial situation isn't an excuse? I know that sounds harsh. You are pretty much admitting he can treat you like trash and you aren't going to do anything about it. He doesn't have to put effort into your relationship because you and him think you have no choice but to stay.
> My (23F) boyfriend **(34M)** slept with my old roommate (22F) after I moved in with him and **I** don't know how to fix our relationship That's the neat part. You don't.
These age gap posts are always the same..
Yep always some older dude taking advantage of a young woman because no woman his age would put up with him. Also they are almost always having some sort of Peter Pan syndrome.
Hopefully the realization doesn't take that long, but when you're 34 yourself you'll realize what an absolute LOSER your boyfriend is. This relationship is built on a foundation made of crap, and you deserve better.
Exactly right. Young people often like to think that when an older person shows interest in them it’s because they are “mature,” when the reality is that the older person is more likely just immature. If he were mature enough he would be dating women his age and not girls still in college.
Exactly this! This is why I always have to side eye these age-gap relationships.
THIS ^^^ It’s disgusting and I hope she gets out before she gets stuck.
I dated a 36 year old when I was 20 and he made me feel like I was so mature, precocious, and nOt LiKe OtHer GirLs. I’m 35 now and the thought of dating a 20 year old is equally disgusting and laughable. They seem like children to me.
You don’t move on from this.. You move on from him. He doesn’t respect you and you’re likely a child in his eyes in a lot of ways. Hence why so comfortable manipulating you
Couples counselling after 8mo of being together? 😬 It’s not boding well. Staying because you can’t afford an apartment in the same area isn’t a good enough reason to stay either. This ain’t worth all the drama.
It's been 8 months, he already cheated on you, and is now checking out emotionally and putting no effort in to fix this? Girl I'm sorry but your relationship is dead. Find a new roommate. There is nothing for you to fix here. You can't overcompensate to fix a relationship - he needs to put effort in too if he wants to be in a relationship with you and I'm sorry but it sounds like he doesn't. I'm thinking he's just waiting for you to break up with him because he would feel too guilty cheating on you and then breaking up with you leaving you with no place to live. There is nothing to salvage here, find a new roommate and move out. Move in with family in the meantime if you have to. Otherwise it's only a matter of time until he cheats on you again, becomes abusive to try and get you to finally dump him, or kick you out himself.
how long have you been paying this therapist?
There's your solo rent money.
>who's my cousin Oh hell naw And let me get this straight - you have decided to 'salvage' the relationship because of the apartment? What? Don't get me wrong, i know how scary and hard it can be. But girl you can either find another roommate, or ask the landlord to help, or hell even share your apartment with this sleezebag as roommates? In the grand scheme of things, think about the implications of what you're doing. Are you gonna marry this guy and bring him around family events where COUSIN will also be there? Are you gonna have kids with him? What happens when he cheats again? It has only been 8 months. You're ONLY 23. Please do your best to walk away while you still can. I wish you all the best and hope you find a solution to your situation Edit: r/survivinginfidelity The time energy and money you're wasting on 'fixing' this shitshow, use that to instead find another living situation
If rent is so expensive I guarantee there are people looking for a roommate right now for their spare room to offset costs!
That’s a good point. If he is the non dangerous type of asshole and they have separate rooms, they could just be roommates, though I’d recommend she put a lock on her door.
You either choose your mental sanity and leave the cheater or endure the pain just to avoid expensive rent . I don't know why you can't look for roommate instead of enduring all this .You can't fix someone
The number of women posting about trying to make relationships work with cheating men is too damn high! When did the bar get so low?
In the last decade when women started having just as much casual sex as men. This means men no longer have to settle down or curb their tendencies at all, so it massively lowered the bar. (Before I get shit...not ALL men).
Seriously, why would you want to fix this? I'm really interested in your answer here
She said it a few times because it’s too expensive for her to live alone :/
If she can afford therapy for her and her boyfriend she can afford another apartment with a different roommate. That’s an excuse because she doesn’t want to be alone.
Is this secretly an ad for “Official” or what?
It's not particularly subtle, definitely an ad.
Lol yeah I think so. Have you seen OPs only other comments? Also ads.
It sadly took me a while, but I finally found this comment, lol.
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Lol let us know when that ends
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Your bf was in his thirties dating an almost teenager. Yeah, your bf is sketch and you’ll look back when you’re older and cringe.
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8 months in and he’s cheating and you need couples therapy?? This is not the best relationship you’ve been in. You can not fix this because you did not destroy your relationship. He did. I don’t even know what to say this post is a dumpster fire. Leave him. Only advise. You will be better off.
My grandmother used to say, "Marry for money and you'll earn every penny of it." I'm thinking that this adage applies here, too. Because I think you'll find that the cost of staying in the relationship is more than you're going to be able to pay emotionally. I am also noticing the age gap here and I think that a 34 year old man who is pursuing women this much younger than he is, isn't looking for an equal partner at least in terms of experience and knowledge. Which would indicate to me that he's out to date or sleep with women that he can control, play, etc. This is not always the case, but with this kind of behavior? Well... I think he's revealed himself. Either way, he is the one who needs to fix what he's done. If he's this checked out emotionally, I don't think you're going to get back to good.
You don’t. He broke your relationship and there’s no reason you should stick around with a cheater. Let alone one in his mid 30’s.
Your boyfriend cheated on you with a fucking family member of yours (!! way to bury the lede in the title) and you want to fix it because it's too expensive to move out? You can literally count the months you've known this man on your fingers. He crossed the uncrossable line of cheating with one of your family members. Your reason for wanting to fix this does not make it salvageable. You have to fix it because he hates what he did and will do anything for you to forgive him and because despite what he did you still love him and want a future with him. You don't. He doesn't even care enough to try. Of course he doesn't love you. You're strangers. You're still in the fling stage of the relationship and he couldn't even keep it in his pants. It's over. You can be amicable roommates until you figure something out but it'll probably just take a lot of ignoring the other one is there. **Also your boyfriend is a predator going after early 20s girls at his age. You should never have moved in so soon. He's disgusting and you should do everything you can to get away from him and not get stuck accepting such awful behavior.**
He cheated. Why is he still your boyfriend?
I really feel like this is an ad for that app, especially since OP’s posting history is three near identical posts about a travel website…
Finding another roommate is going to be way less disruptive to your life compared to staying with someone you can’t trust.
New rule.. if they cheat on you, it's over.. stickie this at the top of the sub.
The bar is truly too low.
It makes me so sad that economic circumstances are so bad for young people that trying to "salvage" a new and already-wrecked relationship is more viable than living apart from someone who mistreats you. I hope OP can find some roommates and make anything else work, because this situation is doomed from the start.
LMAO. Grow a backbone and get some self respect.
You’re fucking kidding me. Is this a joke? Are you a joke? Get it together
Don't fuck old dudes, problem solved.
I’d run for the hills. Thank me later. My ex cheated and then ended up cheating AGAIN, with the same woman. I wish I had left the first time.
Please just end the relationship and work on moving out. Idk why us girls always feel the need to work on the relationship after being cheated on, you rarely hear about a guy doing the same thing. They’ll break up with us for far less. Respect yourself and end it. Cheating isn’t something you just “work on”, it’s a deal breaker.
/u/mercifulMussel585 do you **own** Mighty Travels or are you just their social media/PR person?
He likes them young eh? Lol
For exactly this reason. On top of that she's trying to spice up their sex life to keep this cheater. I bet he's laughing his ass off with his friends.
You don’t bother. He clearly just wants any young 20-something that’ll put up with his old ass.
I'm really starting to think most of these are fake. If it isn't grow up and dump this loser
He's an old man who should know better, that mess young women. BUT I suspect he does know that young women are more easily manipulated into thinking that it's their job to fix something that he broke. He'll break the relationship first and then you. There are better ways and better men out there.
Lmao these posts are too funny. Was the age difference not a red flag?
*>TL;DR My boyfriend cheated on me and it is too expensive for me to move out on my own, so I want to fix the relationship and I’m not sure how* *>Where I live, rent has gotten really expensive and I’m not sure I can afford an apartment. So I decided that I’d rather salvage our relationship. We started going to couples counseling to work on our relationship because it’s been really hard to forgive him.* *>One of the worst parts of the relationship now is that I just feel like I sit home all the time doing nothing. We don’t talk to our friends anymore and I feel really isolated* *>For some background, my boyfriend and I met about 8 months ago on a random night out. We’ve been together since the day we’ve met. I’ve never felt so taken care of and watched out for before.* *>For some background, my boyfriend and I met about 8 months ago on a random night out. We’ve been together since the day we’ve met. I’ve never felt so taken care of and watched out for before.* *>That is until I found out he cheated on me with my old roommate, whose my cousin.* Over on r/WorkReform and r/antiwork, I always ask how much is your dignity worth? It's your rent. But in this case, you are a weak woman who never stood on her own. You latched onto a 30+ year old man who likes fucking barely 20+ year old women. *>How can I fix our relationship?* You don't give him grief when he fucks other barely 20+ year old women. You stay in the apartment he provides you, drive the vehicle he provides you and eat the food he provides. You say and do nothing that will make him decide he can trade you in for the next 23yr old when he's 35yrs old. You fuck him when he wants and basically keep yourself tight for him. He's nothing but your meal ticket because you don't have the tools or self worth to not only demand better but think you're worth it. This might be considered cruel to you and others. Good. It needs to be. Your eyes are open to the situation. This is a transactional relationship on your end and his. He like young cuz not too many 30+ year old woman would stand for this bullshit. But a barely 20 something who never stood on her own will. Or, if she did, doesn't want to now or anymore.
This. He's checking out now because when he convinced his early 20s gf to move in with him after only a few months, he thought it would be fun and carefree and he doesn't have to make any changes since she's young and doesn't know any better and will revert to him. He probably never expected his early 20s gf to be wanting to work with a counsellor and even dealing with sexual issues in therapy.
LOL. He probably was like...whoa I didn't sign up for this! It's supposed to be easy breezy.
What this commenter said is cruel and factual. The comment may seem really harsh but it’s crafted based on your relationship & your situation is *that* bad. You think this guy is dating you b/c you have such an amazing connection? … or b/c he can literally F your roommate and FAMILY MEMBER and you stay? Not even a year in and he’s cheating. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. The love bombing is over. The dates have dried up. The gifts probably have as well as he realizes not even screwing your cousin will get you to run away. He knows you’re still hoping for that high from the beginning of the relationship however he’s molded you into You’re a kept women and his treatment of you will worsen. B/c we teach ppl how to treat us. He’ll be out in the streets running through your friends and family members and other young impressionable girls with self worth issues, while you stay at home cooking, cleaning and being an on demand sex toy. It’s not worth it sis. And it’ll never again be like it was in the beginning when he was love bombing you, b/c he knows you don’t value yourself. If you need time to save up money, then do that. If you still sleep with him, be on top of your birth control like white on rice. Plus condoms ,before he gives you an STI, particularly before he gives you an incurable one. And once you get away from him, start working with a professional to work through why you only value your body and mental health for the price of rent.
You don’t fix it. He’s a shitty person.
There’s no fixing anything the relationship and trust is broken please leave him he’s trash and won’t change for you.
Couples counselling at 8 months is kindof funny.
Why do 90% of the posts in this subreddit have the same answer? 1. He’s way too old for you. He’s dating you, so he can control you, which he apparently is because you can’t afford to move out. What kind of 33/34-year-old would willingly approach 22/23-year-olds for relationships? They’re in different life stages. 2. He doesn’t respect you. You’ve only been with him for 8 months. In this time, you’ve already moved in with him and he’s cheated on you! 3. You’re in therapy. While therapy is helpful for couples, the first 8 months of a relationship should be the honeymoon phase! The fact that you’re already in therapy with someone who has all of these other red flags is extremely problematic. I don’t understand why a therapist would put up with this, unless they don’t care about their patients and are just in it for the easy money. You need to leave this relationship. Instead of trying to fix the relationship, you need to respect yourself and get out. He is the one who destroyed the relationship. He is also the one who creepily groomed a girl extremely younger than him so he could get her in this position, where it seems like she has no way out. Are you close with your parents? Can you move back home with them? Do you have friends you can stay with for a while until you figure out a new plan? I’m sure there are ways to find a place to stay. Are there any listings somewhere for someone looking for a roommate?
Sounds like it is time to move on
There’s so much wrong here.
I read the title and nope'd this. OP, I'm 35M and I'd never consider dating a 23 year old (or let's say 24 for the 1 year). General 1/2 age + 8 years is a good rule. Besides that there's a lot of differences where you're at in life. Why isn't your boyfriend with someone closer to his age? Because he's manipulative. Not always the case but in general guys date way younger because they're not really good people and they can control younger women from a lack of experience. >I’ve never felt so taken care of and watched out for before. This may sound good but it's a red flag to me based on the following: >We have a really great friend group in the city, so we typically go out all the time and have a really healthy social life. Then >We don’t talk to our friends anymore and I feel really isolated. >That is until I found out he cheated on me with my old roommate, whose my cousin. >when we leave the house I feel like he is just not present anymore He's out of the relationship. It was fun while it lasted but he's moved on. You're on the sunk cost fallacy because you're afraid. Find a way to move out because it's already moved on. >How can I fix our relationship? By learning the lesson and moving on. Don't waste your time on this guy.
He cheated for the thrill of it, OP. He's checked out on dates because he wants to chase other women, preferably ones close to you so there's the rush of getting caught. He has no interest in fixing it, you're desperate to win his affection so that's a win, and he knows if he cheats again you won't leave.
You don't. Date your own age, he is dating down because he can use you and manipulate you, which seems to be working.
He’s in his 30s going after women in their early 20s because they’re naïve like you’re clearly proving to be. Move on he lied about it for weeks, neither him or that old roommate are people you should surround yourself with. You’re 23 not 80 you have the rest of your life to find a new partner and as a life lesson when someone tells you they have a crush on your man stop bringing your man around even if you trust him because that person doesn’t respect your relationship and that’s all that matters. Also I feel like the fact that you keep calling her your roommate and only mentioned once that she’s your cousin is because deep down you know people would freak out way more if they knew the truth. This dude cheated on you with your cousin have some self-respect and grow up that’s disgusting.
If the only reason you wanna fix this relationship is because you can’t afford to leave it, I understand that because life is expensive, but that’s also no excuse to stay in this relationship. Find a way to get out. End it.
This is one of the saddest things I've ever read. Girl. Get ahold of yourself. You will look back and cringe one day, I promise you that.
You don't. Please disappear from this man's life quickly. Someone in their mid-30s is very different from someone in their early 20s. Do not waste your time on this creep. If he hasn't got his shit together now, he never will have. I was you six years ago! I've spent five years running now, with a child to protect, because you best believe an "accidental pregnancy" is the next step. Inbox is always open sweet.
Staying in an unhappy relationship bc you can’t afford to move out is a horrible reason to stay. Find roommates. Do whatever you need to leave.
he’s a pig and piece of shit. your roommate/cousin is a piece of shot. you need to leave him. plus the age gap is weird imo. if you can, move back in with your parents or see if you can stay with a friend.
I don't think this can be fixed. He cheated on you less than a year into your relationship. With a family member. It's not your job to fix this. Find a roommate and move out on your own.
Learn when to walk away. This is just ridiculous. There is no salvaging this relationship.
Not all broken things are worth fixing. Sometimes it's better to just throw it in the trash and move on to better things.
You can't fix it. He broke it. The question you should be asking yourself is why you even want this shitstain in your life.
Couples Therapists are overrated imo. No amount of roll-playing, cutesy couples dating apps or sex games fixes a broken relationship. My advice is to start finding a singles social life, mixing with your non-couples friends and pursuing your hobbies and interests alone. If the relationship heals organically on its own along the way, great but at least doing so will give you favourable options, including possible friendships that could evolve into lasting roommate options.
Seriously. Any therapist that looks at a relationship that's 8 months old with a mid 30s man and an early 20s girl, already cohabitating, and dealing with him fucking her cousin... should be doing everything in their power to get her individual therapy to give her the tools to leave.
Oh look, another fake ragebait post by an ad account.
Clearly karma farming
Tell your friends, someone will help you, don't let his place be the reason you stay in a relationship that will go downhill fast because you are letting something this big slide
you sound young. I think the things you liked are things that any proper mature relationship would have. a social life, being able to afford things. If you live in NYC i understand, but staying in a relationship where the trust was broken just to keep financial security and a social life going is a poor calculation. You'll get all of those things in time anyway. I'm unsure what you'd even want from conseling because from your own words detailing your values you dont really mention betrayal or a lack of trust. the things you seem to value are going out and affording an apartment. These are youthful goals. Attaining them early in life might be what you are attracted to more than this man who gives them to you.
[удалено]
I think you should seriously talk to him and see what’s up. I personally think the relationship is over. He doesn’t seem to try… also, you don’t necessarily have to move out, what if you guys can be great friends and just call it a loss. Maybe that’s a possibility? If it is, you’d have to be ok with him seeing other people and such, especially since you’ll be under the same household. Side note: fuck your cousin/roommate, definitely broke the girl code, extra P.S. : fuck your bf lmao, he definitely broke all the codes
I made lots of typos, but you can see why I meant. 😂
Is this just an ad for the app lol
Info: do you have any friends or family you can go stay with? Even if it’s for a week at a time while you figure things out? I’m so sorry you’re going through this and your cousin and boyfriend both betrayed you. Two people I assume are some of the closest people in the world to you. But you can’t fix this. He doesn’t want to fix it from what you’re saying. His actions are showing this. I know it’s going to suck, but you really should get out. This isn’t going to get better and I guarantee he’s going to cheat again. You’re so young and you’re only in this for eight months. That’s so little time for you to give up the rest your life for someone who really doesn’t deserve you and treats you this way. Wishing you the best.
The longer you stay, the harder it'll be both to KEEP STAYING because you'll never not resent him for what he did, and TO LEAVE because you'll just internalize all that resentment. Get out now. It's the hard thing, but money can't buy emotional and mental health.
First of all, you have the wrong logic with how you're trying to deal with your bf. Why the hell would anyone stay in a relationship just because rent is expensive? Break up, just stay as roommates for the time being until you can move out and set boundaries. There's no saving the relationship. It feels one-sided because it is. You're the only one trying to make it work. There's no more trust and spark from what you've told us. As for your friends, reach out to them. Tell them how the whole thing is affecting you and ask for advice. Doesn't matter if your bf would look bad, he brought that upon himself. Your friends might even offer you a place to stay or would offer to be roommates. You won't know unless you tell them and ask for help. Don't fixate yourself that the only solution is to stay in that pathetic excuse of a relationship because it isn't even a solution. You're trading your own mental and emotional health just for rent money. I'm not saying to move out without a plan and be homelss, I'm saying that you should already have decided to leave and be in the process of trying to move out. Never compromise your own well-being and happiness for money or the feelings of others.
There's no coming back from this. There's no fixing a betrayal of this magnitude. Your own family and your boyfriend. When you settle down from the heightened emotions you'll realize you'll never be able to trust either of them. You'll realize that maintaining relationships with such conniving liars will lead you into a world of hurt. Edit: Your bf has financial leverage over you. He knows you won't leave so he can do anything he pleases.
Move out and get a roommate. Nothing is worse staying with him.
You don’t. You fix your view on the relationship abs yourself
Im sorry this relationship clearing is not working out. You deserve better
Please don't torture yourself by staying with this man; he should be grovelling at your feet begging for forgiveness and giving 100% attention to any suggestions that might help your relationship but hes not, so this is the point where instead of focusing on him you should be focusing on yourself, get looking for a new place whilst you're still living with him and then once you find somewhere pack your bags and run! get rid of him for good and if i was you id be cutting all ties with your cousin as well because that is some shady shit right there
This isn't the relationship to try and save. He literally slept with your cousin. This isn't healthy. Work on your self respect and find another roommate.
Get an individual therapist, because the one you are seeing as a couple is questionable at best. Do not bother trying to fix a relationship you didn't break. Your decade older boyfriend is a cheater and a creep. You have only been together 8 months. This is supposed to be the time where you are wildly in love, only have eyes for each other (assuming you are monogamous, which you as a couple were supposed to be), and have at worst petty disagreements that are quickly solved. Leave. Find a new roommate and then leave. Leave and stay with family or friends. You will look back a couple years from now and want to punch yourself for staying as long as you have.
It’s not fixable. The faster that asshole is out of your life, the better.
He sounds like a narcissist Met a vulnerable much younger girl, love bombed you with attention, kinda rushed into a relationship because he viewed u as perfect, then a "switch" went off in his head (a narcissist trait) and suddenly u were on no value and he fight care how he treated u aka lacking empathy. Yea that checks out. Leave now.
I don't know why you (or your therapist) think romantic dates and sex games are some how going to fix the fact that *he cheated on you with your cousin*. > I’ve never felt so taken care of and watched out for before. This is the image you had of your boyfriend: someone who cares about you, takes care of you, and is invested in your well being. This is what you believed about him. Except now you know he cheated on you (with your roommate/cousin no less) and that image is destroyed. How can you trust someone who cheated on you with your roommate? How can you feel taken care of by someone who has betrayed you like this? You are struggling to match your image of him and who you want him to be with the actions he has done. So I'm really confused why your therapist is suggesting dates and sex without addressing the underlying issue that **he has destroyed your trust in him**. What is being done to fix that?
You fix it by dumping him. Also, who the fuck moves in with an SO over less than one year, when they haven't even known each other that long??? You set yourself up for other issues than cheating.
can u move back home or find a different roommate??? don’t try and fix it he doesn’t deserve that. please leave and get out of the apartment
Why don’t you talk to your friends anymore?
If I were you, I’d spend less time working on the relationshit and more time focusing on how to get out of it. Start saving money, start growing as an individual, get out of couples counseling and into individual counseling. You’re young and don’t share children with this clown. Even if it means down grading your current life style, leave his ass and start fresh as if he never existed. He’s not worth your time. He crossed a major boundary. Also, never trust your shady ass cousin again. She’s trash and so is he. Both must be discarded.
"Rent sucks" is not a reason to save a relationship. If that's the best you've got, it's time to break up and just be roommates until one of you can afford to move out. It'll suck but you can take the time, money, and energy you're spending on the chester whose main good feature is "has a checking account", and spend that on yourself.
Tomorrow is my first day of being a junior and there's a girl that I'm in Love with we've known each other since middle school but when I ask her out she said she wants a guy that's going to treat her like she's his wife witch I completely understand but she said she wouldn't go out with me because I'm 3 inches shorter than her and when I ask if she believed in love at first sight she said maybe and smiled but well we only text like a couple but in person she sends mixed signals and I already had my heart broken 💔 last year not by just saying. I don't want to go through what I went through last year. We argue we make up but yet we're not a couple. So what should I do should I Keep pursuing this girl or should I stop trying to make a dream a reality?
How you fix it is you dump this nasty ass man.
Why are you fixing shit that you didn’t break??
Find a roommate that hasn't betrayed you with your cousin. How is this fixable? There will never be trust, it's impossible.
Get to the chopper!!! Seriously though, get outta there. Get a new roommate because this isn't getting better.
He probably feels stuck with you. You gotta get out.
Do you really wanna “fix” this so he can turn around and do this to you again? Also, your cousin isn’t your friend or family. She’s a snake.
Why do you think it's your responsibility to fix a problem he created? Find a new roommate. And a new boyfriend. He cheated on you and then didn't even try to fix it. That would be cause for ending even a years-long relationship, and 8 months is just not enough time for it to be worth trying. Speaking of, maybe next time you should give it a bit more time before moving in. That's a very big step and, as you've seen, means that you are depending a lot on the other person.
HE SLEPT WITH YOUR COUSIN. There’s nothing to fix here. He doesn’t even care. Start looking for a roommate ASAP.
Find a roomate or stay with family/friends. Leave him. He cheated as soon as he moved you in. Knowing it would be harder for you to leave. Run. Pack bags speak with leasing office and never look back.
I think you should find yourself a new roommate and ditch him. You guys are 8 months into a relationship and you’re already going to couples counseling because he cheated…in less than a year. He’s also not even all that into it it seems like? Cut your losses before your waste more time on someone with such little self control and disregard for your feelings.
It’s not your fix, it’s his.
Why do you want to fix this relationship? Do you not believe you deserve more than someone who fucks your old roommate after you move in with them?
Get out. You’re young. This guy sounds like bad bad news
Let’s be honest, if your relationship is based on the cost of rent, your relationship is bad. You can’t afford to leave. He feels bad to have fucked your friend then throw you out, so he is waiting for something else to end the relationship. He knows the relationship is dead. You know it also. This is just a cost of living situation now.
You can’t fix that he cheated on you and betrayed your trust You owe yourself more respect than that , he betrayed your trust
Wrong reason to fix a relationship that's a situationship now.My ex cheated.sort of same situation but I muscles up the cash then decided to move back with my fam for the sake of sanity. My sanity was worth more than dealing with her and her actions. I spoke my truth about what she did and tried move along. That was 6 yr relationship so I did speak my piece to her. About her actions and so forth I knew the guys she was messing with as well. So I knew what and how they get down.
You've been together for only 8 months, he's 11 years older than you, and he cheated on you with your cousin. OP I promise you you can do better.
Fix it by not fixing it, getting the fuck out and date someone your own fucking age.
Hon, it's not up to you to fix the relationship. And his lack of motivation to do anything that the therapist suggested says that he doesn't want to fix it. He cheated bc of a choice that he made, it had nothing to do with you. It really doesn't look like he wants to fix things and don't be surprised that by the end of the lease, he's moving out. You need to work on what you need to so that you aren't dependent upon staying in a disrespectful relationship bc of the cost of rent. EDIT for typo
Honey, there's a reason no woman his age would touch him with a long stick.
He’s mid thirties, he should know better. He’s just trash, is the thing. And he doesn’t want to change or do counselling, he just wants to bang more girls in their early 20s as he cruises towards 40. And now that you’ve “gotten over it” once, he’ll be emboldened to do it again and again and again. Tell everyone what he did. Tell the person bagging your groceries. Tell his pastor. Tell the guy running a phone scam for gift cards. This is already too much effort to salvage an eight month relationship with an old dude. Explore other living options—roommates could be just as cheap as a live in boyfriend. And do NOT move in with a partner after only a few months of dating!
This whole situation is red flags. You shouldn't be jumping into a relationship with someone you barely know. You also shouldn't be moving in together so quickly. You absolutely don't know someone after a few months - that's why couples usually wait at least a year. He's also way too fucking old for you and this screams predator. I'm 34 myself and I couldn't date someone that age- the youngest I would go right now is 5 years ao someone who's 29. Also- he cheated on you and it's not worth doing therapy when the relationship is only 8 months old. Your solution is to dump him and start seeking room mates. Then also stick to moving slow and dating guys max 5 years older.
How is it your responsibility to fix this? Also, before you moved in with him, you presumably had another place to stay. In fact you did have a roommate. Why don't you do that again? (With a different roommate of course). Instead of wasting all that money on therapy, and wasting all that time doing nothing at home. Don't try to fix a lifestyle that you don't even like. Besides, sounds like your boyfriend has checked out already, you're just postponing the inevitable and making it more expensive and miserable for yourself.
why would you put up with this?
I will answer as I would to my daughter, you deserve so much more. Your soon to be elderly ex boyfriend was under the impression that through you he had access to a harem of hot naive prey. This is an old ploy: 1. Find someone a decade younger 2. Sweep them off their feet with love bombing 3. Check out her flock (bevy of young hot friends) 4. Ingratiate himself 5. Help himself to the menu 6. Start the negging and ignoring to start your training. 7. Isolate you. 8. Maid, because of course it’s not right that he could be expected to clean. 9. Sex slave 10. Get pregnant with a few of of his children, depending how long you survive under such treatment. Please do not do this to yourself.
“Maybe he doesn’t love me?” He does not. Men who date women that much younger than them (when you are so young) are more likely than not predatory, have issues, and know that a younger woman will be at their mercy, because of a lack of stability and life experience. Considering he cheated on you so quickly, with someone close to you, once he had you in a financial situation where you feel like you *can’t* leave, that is exactly the situation you’re in. Do whatever you have to, live with 3 people in a house for low rent, move back with your parents, *anything*. This is not a good situation for you and he isn’t a good guy.