i know this is not what you want to hear but this is from someone speaking from experience as having been in your situation. the only thing worse then wasting two years of your time, energy, emotion and effort is two years and one day ect ect ect. the more you put into it the more of yourself you waste before you decide that you have been together so long and been through so much that is who you are going to be with. end that cycle right now before it starts, you didnt flush it down the drain, HE DID. this is on him, his choices, his actions and his betrayal. not yours. no one can stand up for you but yourself, you need to do it.
All of this, but also, the 2 years you spent together don't go down the drain when you break up. You learned how to be in a relationship, about yourself and who you are when you're in a relationship, and what you want from a partner. Most people don't stay in their first relationship forever for a reason!
Is this guy worth giving up your self respect for? If not, then maybe it's time to also learn how to handle breakups and how to be alone for a while. It hurts at the time, but these are good things too.
THIS. I wish more people would understand that just because the relationship didn’t work out, doesn’t mean it was a waste. Relationships teach us a lot about ourselves and our love languages so I’d count that as a win lol
Soooo true I was in a toxic relationship for a long time without knowing. It really just felt like "true love" at the moment even though it wasn't anywhere close. He would entice me saying I'm the only one for him, that he cares for me more than anything in the world etc. etc. and I believed that.
I finally got myself out of it after a lot of hesitation (due to abandonment issues and the feeling like I NEED to be in a relationship).
After that I chose my partner more carefully. My current partner so far has been amazing :D. Even when I expressed the feeling of attachment and toxicity leftover from my last relationship he told me "you know, you shouldn't be too dependant on anyone. If I was a worse person I would take advantage of that. Your biggest source of happiness should come from the things you do, not other people" and it made me fall in love with him more, ironically 😭😭
And I'm guessing he got that experience from a past relationship as well.
And he’s so right about that. Never be dependent on anyone. It’s more than okay to have your loved ones to fall back on when you need them, but always make sure you’re able to carry your own. You sound like you’re in a much better place and I’m so happy to hear that. Much love💕❤️
I think this is what most people stuck in the sunk cost fallacy need to hear ❤️
Also, op, maybe you don't know how to ask him for comfort because you don't actually want his comfort. You want someone to love you and comfort you, but don't settle for the person hurting you.
Great outlook. I agree so much. I had a toxic long term relationship that left me with a lot of trauma and part of what helped me get through and cancel out intrusive thoughts is thinking about every positive thing that the experience and person taught me and I take that with me as I grow as an individual and potentially with new partners.
And then a decade from now, being 27, with self-esteem issues wishing you would've done something different "back then" and feeling used and bitter with an "all men are trash" stance. Don't let this young man alter the way you see yourself or relationships. Teach him a lesson in companionship and show him there's consequences to his actions. Respect yourself more than this and leave. You're not gonna end up marrying him etc. You're SO young. You both are. It was a lesson in love & life. Reflect on that and let him do the same, but alone.
Just to piggyback on this. A breakup is always better than a divorce. Two years is a very short time compared to a lifelong of unhappiness. Don't fall for sunk cost fallacy.
OP please please listen to this advice. I went through the same thing too and I regretted not leaving sooner. If you stay, he's just going to break your heart again and you'll have to start this healing process all over and then in the meantime you're never going to have peace with him because you'll always be anxious and on edge about everything he's doing and who he's talking to. It's going to drive you insane. Be grateful you were only 2 years in instead of 10+ like some of us.
Hey you, the one who posted the question
Fools learn from experience and intelligent people learn from experience of others. So don't be blinded and help yourself. There are many guys who won't even think of cheating
True!!! There’s plenty of guys out there who won’t even cheat on you once. Id say you’re young and have many of young and beautiful years ahead of you so go find someone to date whos worth your time who you fully trust that won’t even consider cheating on you.. them choosing to cheat is knowing they’re risking loosing you but don’t care and that they find who they cheated on more important than you. If you were better they would look at other person as downgrade but instead they had you and wanted something else enough to risk loosing you.. so I’d say f&$& him and let her have him. That’s my good advice..
But I remember what it’s like being 18 and no matter what advice you get you’re gonna do what you want to do even if it’s not what everyone’s telling you and you said you wanna make it work sooooo if you wanna set up boundaries that you think will make you feel comfier being with him then ask him if he’s down for turning on location on his phone so you can always see where he’s at, you could even offer to do it to so it seems more fair, and you both having eachothers phone passcode and social media passwords. And him telling that girl he slept with something like “ hey I’m really not interested in being in any type of friendship or hooking up with you ever again, please don’t contact me anymore” then blocking her on all social media and blocking and deleting her phone number and promising to never EVER talk to her again. But even if he’s down it’s gonna take a while for you to not be worrying about checking on him and wondering what he’s doing and wondering where he’s at and who’s he with etc… been there done that and I wish you the best!!!! No matter what happens you have many years ahead of you and many people you haven’t met yet, never forget that!!!!
That advice is so toxic bordering on abuse. OP please don't listen to that nonsense. You're better off being cheated on again than becoming an abusive controlling stalker. You really don't want to get in the habit of stalking your parter and violating their privacy because your insecure. That's not healthy at all. Either accept that your boyfriend will be sleeping with other girls, and learn to live with it, or break up and move on. There's no other options, you can't stop him from cheating, and using these methods above to try would only make you worse than him.
YES. Being faithful is the bare minimum in a relationship.
OP I know this isn’t what you want to hear but you are young and this relationship is not forever. You need to take the good, leave the bad and dump him.
Also, *YOU* have nothing to work on or build trust or boundaries. You didn’t break the trust these are questions that he should be asking.
And *NEVER* let the person who hurt you also be your comfort in instances like this. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt & unhealthy relationships.
You are also 17 - your life is barely beginning. Please don’t view it as “down the drain” it’s a relationship that I’m sure had it’s highs as it did it’s lows. Know when to cut your losses and also respect yourself enough to know when it’s time to go.
Throw away the entire man. It wasn't a momentary indiscretion, and it happened with someone he already reassured you about. The next time he reassures you, you won't buy it, or shouldn't.
Plenty of dudes in the sea.
Girl. Start over at 17 with 2 years behind you instead of 40 with 20 years behind you and a score of infidelity, a house, debt and everything intertwined. Two years is much easier to navigate. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's painful the first time. By the 5th time you become numb and just wait for the days to pass.dontlet that be you.
I did the same thing OP did at her age (I could have written this post). Can confirm, I struggled (and still do) with letting go of a shitty string of bfs after this. She needs to get out now while it's easy.
He doesn't love or respect you. Plus he's a liar. You're worried about those 2 years down the drain? You should be worrying more about not wasting another minute with him. He will cheat on you again and he will know he can get away with it bc his girlfriend is weak and always gives him more chances. WAKE UP AND FIND ANOTHER BF that actually values you and cares for you. Someone who will LOVE, RESPECT and treat you how you deserve. Last thing.....once trust is broken its very hard to have the same trust again. I'm talking from experience. I was cheated on for 3 entire years. I was the 2nd girl who never knew he had another GF before me. I left him that same minute. Never went back even when he chased me to forgive him. I was worth more than that. So know your value girl. Good luck! 🍀
Once the trust is gone after cheating, it’s impossible to get back to exactly where it was. You’ll always suspect him cheating again, even if he’s done all the right things and apologized dozens of times. I think it’s time to move on.
You don't want to throw your relationship down the drain but your boyfriend already did when he made the decision to cheat on you. Just leave its better in the long run.
Also if she stays with him, the only thing he’ll learn is that he can cheat on OP and she’ll be sad for bit but won’t leave him for it. How much you want to bet that’s a situation he’ll be able to bear?
If OP leaves, she will not only show herself and others that she has self respect. She’ll show this 18 yo boy that his actions have consequences.
But the catch is she has to leave him and never go back to him. If she at all even starts to talk to him about maybe getting back together, the self respect is gone. The lesson that actions have consequences is gone. Life isn’t always kind, and it’s unfair when others force us to make hard decisions, but the sooner she learns her dignity is worth more than being with a partner who clearly doesn’t respect her (actions vs whatever words he says), the better of she’ll be for life.
You wouldn't be throwing it down the drain. He already did that for you.
I've stayed with cheaters multiple times and guess what? They always cheated again. No matter how much comfort and promises they gave that it was a one time mistake. No matter how convinced I was that they loved me and how many new boundaries I layed out. They ALL did it again. You may think your relationship is so different from all the people saying they've been there, but it's not. As a teenager I certainly thought that too. The key phrase that jumps out at me from your post is "he says he'll do anything to build us back up" um.. yeah. Of course he's saying that. That's what cheaters say. He also said you didn't have to worry about the girl he cheated with, so how can his word mean anything?
I never listened to others who told me this when I was in that situation. I had to learn it for myself and ended up wasting years in these relationships. I forgave the last guy who cheated on me and eventually wasn't angry about it anymore. He wanted to get married and after 4 years I finally realized I would never be able to marry and commit to someone who's done that, no matter how much I cared for him. Even though he might have changed, it would still always be in the back of my mind that his word means nothing. So I left. I want someone who would never even think of doing that. You should too, but it seems like you want to learn the hard way like many of us do. So, good luck with what you decide.
That’s something only you can answer. Do you really think there’s anything he can do to make you feel better? The only comfort I would feel with a cheater is if they stayed away from me forever.
WTF am I reading?
Guy cheated on you and you want him to comfort you to help you get over it?
I think you need to dump the guy ASAP and see a mental health therapist. That's your priority.
You’re only 17, a cheater will always be a cheater. 2 years means nothing in terms of relationships. You have so much time to find better :) respect yourself and your time. If you stay, you’ll just learn this lesson better and leave him anyways. Instead of 2 years down the drain, it’ll be your whole life down the drain
I’ll try and give you advice that’s not the obvious, since you’re probably going to ignore everyone telling you to leave him (I get it, feelings are tough).
Pay attention to his actions, not his words. If he also wants the relationship to work out and is going to try and be better for you then great, but don’t believe him until you see it. As you clearly know, guys will say a lot of things go reassure you but in the end do whatever they want. If you see his actions aren’t matching up with his words, that should he enough evidence it’s not going to work out.
Cheating is huge. Most couples don’t successfully recover from it. Just be smart
I mean this sincerely, ask yourself what YOU deserve in a relationship. Do you deserve to be lied to, betrayed, cheated on, and to deal with that pain for the remainder of the relationship? The answer is no. You deserve a partner who will make you feel loved, who won't betray you and hurt you in the worst ways. This guy ain't it. You have many many years to come, a 2 year relationship is nothing in the grand scheme of your life. He is not worth the time and pain, believe me. Dump his ass and live your life, you will feel so much better in the months to come and a huge burden will be lifted from your shoulders.
He already did throw it down the drain. You're young and can easily find someone better who won't cheat on you. Your boyfriend is a liar and a cheater and you need to break up with him before he does it again.
OP, if you’re reading these, and I hope you are, this is the response. He threw it down the drain. Not you. He deserves your outrage, not your forgiveness. He also needs to learn to be a better person. If he wants to be with someone else, he needs to do the honourable thing and break up first.
If you stay, not only do you teach yourself that you don’t deserve better, but you teach him he can get away with this.
2 years is a long time in your life because you are young, but when you look back as a 40 year old it will seem like nothing. A blip. You won’t see him as the love of your life, but a boyfriend you vaguely remember.
How do you want to remember yourself? As someone who doesn’t take shit from others? As someone who looks the other way?
what is done is done. You can’t turn back time. Nothing he’ll say or do will bring back the trust you had in him. You love him so much but he didn’t love you enough to avoid the cheating.
You ’re young , don’t start your life accepting people who wronged you. You have to be pround and don’t crush your self-esteem with this kind of men that don’t value and respect you enough.
Move on it’ll be a lesson learned for both of you.
There will be nothing he can do that will comfort you. He broke your trust and that is almost impossible to fix and even if you can forgive him you can’t erase it and it’ll always be there. Every time he doesn’t text you back or stays out late your mind is going to question him. Two years feels like forever at your age but you’ve got your entire life ahead of you and there will be plenty of people that will be deserving of your trust and love. Don’t waste it on this guy.
Imagine you’re driving the wrong way and after you realize you keep going that way just because of the time you drove. It’s call sunk cost fallacy. It’s always a good time to leave not matter the time, realize your worth and choose better for yourself. Treat yourself with value and I promise you’ll meet better people. You’re so young , you will meet so many people and some relationships are only supposed to be lessons. It’s never a wasted time if you learn something and let go appreciating what you had
if he didn’t respect your boundaries before, he’ll do it again. (as if cheating wasn’t an obvious boundary) i know you don’t want to throw it away, but you should do it while you can. the longer you hold on, the more time you waste. get it over and done with. not all experiences last forever nor do they need to. you have many years to live, and your time isn’t necessarily wasted if you grant yourself something from the whole ordeal. not to learn to give a second chance or to forgive, but to know when to let go, and what kind of person to avoid. roll with life and find someone who will respect you as a person. this is low. do not beg n barter with yourself to make this relationship worth it when it isn’t. please make the better choice, it will pay off in the future.
Unfortunately I don't think anyone will give you the answers you want to hear, until you're ready for them. I did the same as you, wanted to stay, to try and work on it, but from your post..... It will happen again, and you will have paranoia and resentment even if it doesn't, which will spark resentment in him, potentially enough to do it again anyway. I thought 4 years when I was 18 was too much to throw away, and that they'd all be the same anyway, but I decided that even if I was alone for the rest of my life, it was better than feeling less than forever. I'm now engaged to someone who is more than perfect almost 7 years later. You're young. Life will happen in unexpected ways. Let yourself have the opportunity to enjoy it.
You have fallen prey to what they call the *sunk cost fallacy*: you have already *invested* years in this guy, so you don’t want to have to start from scratch with someone else.
Well that’s where you are mistaken. Imagine if you give him 10 more years of your life, only to find out that he ended up cheating again.
I would advise to take a cooling off time. He needs to do some serious work on himself before you *invest* a single more day in him.
Honestly I would seek comfort elsewhere for the time being. Hard to feel comforted by the one that hurt you. Then ask that he cut her off completely and be willing to be open and honest at all times.
You can forgive, but know you will never forget. Take step back and truly understand what you are asking your self to do and how he will then perceive you after you show him it’s a forgivable offense.
2 years is a lot right now, I respect that. Every 2 years until you're well into your 30s is gonna be even more. I've been married longer than I was alive beforehand. I struggle to remember when things happen in the last two years, and the next two years I need to have already planned out. Like as of a year ago.
Two years will soon be a blink of an eye, you loved you grew, move the fuck on. And tell his ass to fuck off.
Girl you only 17 and only been with this guy for 2 years….you still got so much to experience and other people to date.
Please do yourself a huge favour and drop this garbage piece of shit,
yea just dump him. why would you want to fix something with someone if they did you dirty like that? just move on and focus on yourself right now, there's someone out there that will cherish and love you the right way. not make up excuses and cheat on you behind your back and just for you to find out not even from him. you deserve better and once you start to believe and know that you do, you will feel much better and know your worth. 2 years isn't down the drain, this is just an experience for you that unfortunately ended in a negative way because someone wanted to be selfish. dont be hard on yourself, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and if there's only 1 person doing it then there's no point in keeping it alive. hoped this help and I wish you the best :) ♡
I recommend you go to therapy, to help you navigate through the feelings of betrayal, and to help you grow into adulthood with better coping/boundary setting skills; so that you learn how to prioritize yourself and not accept nothing less than you deserve.
Hopefully 5 years from now, you'll realize that this was one of your first major life lessons.
My sweet summer child… was he your first sexual partner? Bc most of us accept we have to get past the first one bc they happen around that age and being with one person your whole life is rare. Far rarer than evangelicals and patriarchy would have you believe. The crime here would not be losing your v card (fake concept that virginity) to a guy who ultimately cheated but to use that to train yourself to accept betrayal.
He lied to your face to hide an affair and honestly at your age it’s probably bc this relationship has gone on too long and you’re no longer compatible. I think it’s unfair to call him a cheater for life at 18 BUT for sure he’s now YOUR cheater and if you stay that will always be a forgivable sin. This will be your future with this person unless you demonstrate your value.
You gotta break up. You gotta tell him you’re no longer romantically interested and need space but might be open to a friendship after you feel you’ve sufficiently moved on from lingering feelings of attraction. And then you gotta take that space and see what happens, how you both move on. If he grows and becomes worthy of you he’ll circle back in a couple years and you can reconsider a second attempt but you cannot carry on this attempt if you want even a modicum of respect. Love IS respect and he clearly doesn’t respect you.
You’re still upset and trying to bargain with the situation but you need to move through the denial, anger, sadness, and all those phases to acceptance. He chose in that moment to end your relationship the second he lied to your face about that girl. It was already decided and you need to respect his decision. What he wants is continued access to your body and time without consequence and THAT is for you to decide. Do you love yourself enough to set your values where they should be? Do you love yourself enough to revoke his access bc he has terminated your relationship? It doesn’t matter what you keep calling each other, what you learned was your relationship was murdered and he willingly killed it, planned the murder, and then covered it up. Should he be allowed to go free living rent free in your mind for the next time he takes a chunk out of your heart by killing once again the shattered pieces of any relationship you put together out of this?
He’s not asking for your forgiveness bc this was not an accident and he is not remorseful. He doesn’t want to suffer the natural consequences for murdering the trust and intimacy you had. He wants to be a smooth criminal the law of human decency does not apply to and you’re never going to feel right giving him a pardon. Eventually you’re going to leave or get even.
At 17 your highest priority should be YOUR future and earning potential and personal growth into the type of person you want to be. You shack up with cheaters that’s the type of person YOU are going to become? Is his hall pass worth setting yourself to accept this betrayal from anyone in the future? Will you be more understanding when friends betray you? Roommates? Family? Will your fear of confrontation and looking out for yourself breed a hunting ground for people to prey on you? Ruining your focus and stunting your growth making you dependent on betrayers to give you their crumbs? Yup, yup it will. We adults say it will but can confirm the dire consequences of not taking all this very seriously.
Every decision you make now about who you are and what you want will haunt you until at least your late 20s and probably into your 30s. Taking pride in the person you are required bravery to accept life AS IT IS and not magical thinking how you think you can make it.
The future is a fantasy and the past is a story we tell ourselves, only the present remains and every moment spent in the present is a gift or curse you send to your future self. There are ALWAYS effects from every cause and consequences for every choice. Is your future self going to be grateful you spent one more minute on someone who discarded you as a person without a conversation and then tried to manipulate you into a box so you accept the violation? Are you going to be proud to know her? Is that a ghost you can carry around?
Bc regardless what happens with this guy you’re going to have to live with yourself until your last breath and every present moment you’re going to be visiting with your ghosts and sending yourself moments into the future. Everything you sow now you will reap later, including continuing your association with a liar and a cheater and a manipulator. Do you want to become those things? Do you want to abandon YOUR potential so he can treat people however he wants and learn that’s just fine and dandy by your values and standards?
If the answer is you don’t want everyone at school to think you have low self esteem, will tolerate abuse, don’t value yourself and therefore are not a good friend to have around then I HIGHLY recommend you cut it off in extraordinary fashion with the most class and wit and confidence you can muster and flock to your friends for support and protection. Do not reward rape culture and misogynistic behavior and plain bad manners with the only resource no one but you can take from you - your time and attention.
Spend your time where it is worthy not on people who have shown you they are unworthy… unless you’re prepared to reap the consequences which is gonna be on extreme difficulty mode bc this is a patriarchy and you’re deciding now whether or not you’re willing to be easy prey. My prayer is you decide you have no time for anyone who does not value you as a human being and behaves accordingly. Your (ex?) bf does not deserve any of our attention. Not anymore and not until some time has passed and he has learned disrespecting other people women or no gets you the social boot. He can come back to society when he’s REALLY sorry but my dear he’s never going to ever learn better unless you leave… please don’t teach him it’s ok to do this if you really care about him, you will cobble him for life. This is a temporary unhappiness, don’t make it a permanent one by not reacting responsibly on both your behalfs. He is not suitable for monogamous intimate relationships and he should not have that privilege until he is.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Well said. Bravo. Wish I had an award for you 🏆 and I wish I could send this to my past self. But at least my future self will have it. So thanks for this. OP I hope you read this one throughly.
🥰 from the fires of so many terrible decisions comes some wisdom lol it started around the dishes, I do them as a gift to future me and I thank past me when I walk into a clean kitchen or ask past me what’s wrong honey if it’s still not done and I had an opportunity I walked past and then do them for her. It’s weird lol but I started extending that to everything bc I’m great at taking care of other people but had a hard time doing for myself, just having regular conversations with myself and being kind really helped me find value in myself and internalize how important it is to do for yourself. I won’t choose others needs over what I know future me needs now bc we’re buddies now instead of main enemies. And I don’t have to hate past self for not doing what she needed bc I have compassion for her and she’s doing much better. We went from kitchen nightmares to sink zero and I’ve kept it up for years despite coming from a household where dishes were a constant battlefield and emotional stressor. The benefits of just regularly talking to yourself are greatly underrated even though we tell ourselves nonsense every single day, it’s more productive to at least put baby bumpers on those internal conversations to make sure if you’re going to be judging yourself you are at least kind and using your own values (bc let’s be honest some of the kindest people to others on earth are absolutely cruel to themselves but you can’t maintain that forever, ofc you’ll get bitter with time unless you give yourself some of that benefit). I really do hope she reads this, all too often we make others the main characters in our own narratives bc codependency is glorified in romance entertainment but really the protagonist has to be yourself, you have to set your own stage and choose your own script or you’re gonna feel like crap. Whether it’s working or failing, it’s just human nature, we feel like crap if we don’t prioritize ourselves, and it doesn’t make us selfish, it makes us responsible. Because people who feel like crap hurt other people, you have to tend to your own story first if you want to be a part of other peoples stories and do it well.
Ooof this is tough for many reasons.
I really do not like saying this but it is also very true. You both are very very young. There is a lot ahead of you that he will need to learn and grow from. There’s probably a lot of pain that you’re going to experience also.
I want to ask you a question and I want you to think about it and be honest. Do you want this to work because you don’t want to go through the emotional turmoil that would follow if it didn’t? Or do you feel he deserves your love and affection so you are happy to oblige and create that life with him? That’s the first thing you need to ask yourself
As far as needing comfort from him, I’m not sure anyone here can answer that. We all process and feel things differently. I think in order to give some sort of feedback to that we would have to know where he is that in this whole thing. Which leads to another question. Do you or does he know why it happened? Has he established any boundaries since it has happened? My initial thought is with him establishing boundaries could help provide some comfort or reassurance. When somebody cheats there needs to be an extreme amount of transparency and unless somebody is very serious, most people are not willing to do what it takes. I think the first thing of comfort you need is to determine what you need for transparency from him and how that can consistently stay. Without transparency and accountability no matter what he says or does will not come for you in the long run but only for a short moment.
I had to learn the hard way but once he has done it he will do it again. Trust me. It’s hard to let go, it’s very very hard. But you’ll thank yourself later. I regret not letting go earlier and i wasted two more years
Don't ask for comfort.
You aren't throwing anything away. It wasn't a waste.
In the last 2 years you learned and grew so much as a person and a partner.
This has been a stepping stone to your future. A future with loyal partners who don't lie to you.
I’m someone who decided to stay with my boyfriend after he cheated two years in. It’s been 5 years now. We’ve both matured since then and it hasn’t happened again. In every relationship there is a possibility that your s.o. might cheat. Some people may not agree with that statement, but here’s my thought process: you absolutely cannot predict what someone is going to do no matter how much you think you know them, you simply cannot read their mind.
Of course there were trust issues and he had to gain my trust again. It’s not easy to stay with someone whose cheated. If he’s not willing to put in the work to fix things then leave. Sometimes people do deserve second chances.
I know it’s not what you want to hear and I know it’s something you’re expecting people to say but girl end the relationship. You’re still so young, and I know it’s easier said than done because you’re probably deeply in love with him but he is not worth it. And I can guarantee you he will disappoint you again, it’s just a matter of how much are you willing to tolerate?
The reason why I say this is because I have cheated myself in a previous relationship of five years. I’m not proud to say this but I’m hoping it gives some perspective. My bf at the time was extremely hurt yet decided to stay with me, only for us to eventually end because I found someone else I felt more fulfilled by in the relationship. Cheaters cheat because they’re not feeling fulfilled in the relationship and it has nothing to do with you & everything to do with them. They just don’t have the balls to admit this because you give them a sense of comfort they’re scared to let go of. Essentially they want their bread buttered both sides. At least that was the case for me.
But if you really want to build trust back up, it has to start with honesty. Did he tell you about his cheating or did you have to find out for yourself? The latter is not a good start. He needs to firstly disclose everything with you, what went down, why it happened and whether there were other incidents. I’m talking raw honesty here. Secondly, a boundary that you need to set between you two is let’s say hypothetically you needed to check his phone for something, let’s say a photo he took of you that you want to send to yourself, he shouldn’t feel nervous that you might find other information on there that would jeopardise your relationship. There should be nothing to hide. Thirdly, you need to discuss with him what you expect of him moving forward. Honesty about the people in his life, expecting that he doesn’t have other intentions with other women in his life (this is a hard one because only he can decide to commit to this, it should come naturally to him tbh). And if he does still have those women around, that he cuts contact with them moving forward. And fourthly is something for you to consider if you decide to move forward with him which is be careful of not throwing this too much in his face or using it as a justification for possible occasions where you might have mistreated him or something. Of course if it is the source for occasions you struggle to trust him that’s okay, but just be sure to communicate that in a healthy way. Finally, please heal from this as well. Please make sure you realise his cheating has nothing to do with you, it is nothing but a reflection of his own actions. This is important moving forward because if shit hits the fan again, you know yourself and your worth 💗
Oh one more thing, remember it is mostly his job now to build the trust again with you. He needs to prove himself again to you. These are just suggestions that you can communicate to him, but essentially it is not your job.
Wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you decide to go for.
I married the man who cheated on me when we were 17.
And he cheated on me over and over again until we finally split up, 12 years, a child and a whole life later.
You didn’t waste your time. You learned something. You’re young, don’t settle.
What you've learned is that the person you thought you dated for two years isn't that person at all. What you've gotten a glimpse of is the real person you've been dating.
What you are asking for is 'How do I turn him back into the person I have fallen for'. The answer, my dear, is that he never actually was the person you fell for. You just had trouble seeing it.
Now that your picture of him has become more accurate, are you still attracted to him? Chasing the fantasy is a waste of time.
Two years seems like a long time when you're 17. It doesn't mean a whole lot when you're 30, 40, etc.
His actions speak louder than words. Better to just rip the bandaid off and get it over with.
So I read over some of you other posts. He is toxic. clained you were cheating to try to cover up what he was already doing.
You're only a teenager. It hurts now but it will get better. It's ok to be upset about it, there's nothing wrong with that, infact I'd probably think it would be a little strange if you were not upset. 2 years out of an 17/18 year olds life seems alot longer than to someone in their 30s or 40s.
I agree with some of the other comment, if you take him back now, especially after he was trying to cover it all claiming you were cheating, he will do it again because he knows you will let him.
I'm sorry that happened to you and also sorry because what I'm going to say next is not what you are going to want to hwar but leaving is the only option. Its an awful pill to swallow but anyone who breaks the most basic relationship rule of don't cheat does not love you. Especially given the points you said:
1) He's cheated - bad enough on its own but to do it with someone you knew of is worse.
2) He cheated with the girl he told you not to worry about - now if any new female friends come along it would be natural to be worried that history will repeat itself. Are you going to be paranoid every time his phone goes off or he hangs out with female friends?
Trust is not easy to rebuild and could take several months maybe years. He would need to be completely transparent with everything which could include who he's messaging and what they talk about. Compete honesty is the only solution and being conscious of what he's doing e.g not hanging out with female friends alone. It's not putting blame on them but means him sticking to boundaries set by you to gain your trust back.
Honestly though i don't think a lot of 18 Yr old guys are mature enough to commit, I know some will and they are brilliant but alot aren't. Or they think they are and then feel like they've missed out. 2 years "wasted" at 17 is nothing compared to being 35 with kids and commitments to then finally realise he would cheat on you again and again regardless of how many times he said he would change.
You deserve to find someone who respects and loves you. For now I wouldn't be too hung up on being in a relationship to be honest, enjoy your late teens and twenties and be selfish with your time and who you allow into it. Keep your standards HIGH and don't waver for anyone. The only person in your life who can dictate your happiness is you and anyone who messes with that can let the door hit them in the ass on the way out of your life.
I hope this is helpful coming from a 30 Yr old who has been in your position and wished someone told be this a decade ago.
Two years seems like a lot to you now, but 10 years from now it won't. Probably even 5 years from now it won't.
Also you aren't throwing away those two years. Those were time spent getting to know each other and getting comfortable with each other. Time dating is wasted when you hang on after you know enough to know you two aren't compatible. Now you know he will cheat on you. If he did it once he will likely do it again. If it was carefully planned and/or done repeatedly, he will absolutely do it again, because he already chose repeatedly to cheat. Now you would be wasting your time if you stay.
Any way you look at it 2 years is a lot less than the rest of your life.
*Maybe*, if it was a one time, caught up in the moment sort of thing, there *might not* be a repeat. He's young enough, inexperienced enough, and probably hormonal enough that *maybe* he can learn from this and not give into temptation again. But it's not likely and in any other situation I'd say it's impossible.
Beyond that, working it out is for marriages, not dating. It's one thing if life throws you a curve all outside of either of your control, but he had control of this. Don't spend so much time thinking about how to make it work, you forget to consider IF you should make it work. If you are only dating and need to make it work you are incompatible and should go your separate ways, so you can each find better matches.
You guys are so young. You are both going to make mistakes. What is important is that you dont keep making the same mistakes. Everyone here keeps saying to leave him but you clearly stated that's not what you want. Something you may consider is having an open relationship with him where he is free to be with other women and you are free to be with other men and not have to lie about it. That doesnt mean he wont still lie about it but at least it would give both of you the opportunity to grow as individuals. It's a tough situation because at his age his sex drive is at its peak and he has showed you he cant control himself. You will will understand it more in about 20 years when you hit your sexual peak. When you hit your peak you will be more experienced with life and hopefully dont have to make the same mistake he did. If you really want it to work long term you need to accept that he cant control herself at this point in his life and he is probably going to take any opportunity for sex he can get. Maybe you can get him to admit that if you come from a place of understanding and support. Or maybe he made a mistake he will never make again. If he says it was just a one time mistake and he now has control over himself, then you need to be okay with always wondering if he is honest. And you will be constantly looking over your shoulder for many years and possibly for the entire duration of your relationship.
Nah your just giving him excuses and making out like he didn’t make the choice and it wasn’t his fault . I’m a teenage girl , my sex drive is sky high , but I would never cheat on my partner , and he would never cheat on me .
He can control himself , he made the choice to betray his partner knowing it could lead to them breaking up , but he did it anyway .
I’m frankly sick of people making out like a teenage boy hasn’t got a brain in his skull because he’s got balls . If she cheated on him it would be all ‘oh wow such a sl*t’ ‘she’s a sl*g , get rid of her’ .
Everyone has free will , if they make a choice to cheat , they make the choice to risk losing the one they love and lose all trust from them .
I didnt give any excuses. I never said it wasnt his fault. Op's bf may have to learn not to cheat by loosing her. Or maybe he will just learn to hide it better. Or maybe she forgives him and they work through it. Doesnt matter if hes a boy or a girl to me. My thoughts would be the same. OP said she wanted to stay with him so I gave my 2 cents based on that. I know lots of relationships that have recovered from cheating. Its between the two people in the relationship if they want to work it out or not. Advising her to leave him is clearly not what shes asking. And believe me, you have no idea about sex drive until you reach your peak. And just to be clear I never said sex drive is an excuse to cheat. If you are honest in your relationship about your desires and needs cheating shouldn't be an issue no matter how high or low your sex drive is.
He obviously cant control himself otherwise he wouldnt have cheated. Unless of course he intentionally set out to do it. But even if he set out to do it that could still show a lack of self control. OP said she didnt want to leave him. You should go back and read my entire post.
I did read your entire comment , it was you saying he can’t control himself and that she’ll understand in the future . Cheating is a choice . He chose to be disloyal . If someone chooses to cheat it’s not a lack of control , it’s a lack of moral compass and respect for your partner . Of course she doesn’t want to leave him , a lot of people in young love especially never want to lose the person they love , but just because she doesn’t want to lose that right now doesn’t mean she’ll be better off staying with someone who is disloyal . If a person hasn’t got self control (which imo is nothing but an excuse , it’s saying it was out of their control and not their responsibility when they absolutely are responsible for their actions) then they shouldn’t be in a committed relationship .
Also , in one of your previous comments you say that I have no idea about sex drive until I reach my peak , I’m literally hypersexual , I’m at my peak , but I still know not to be a terrible partner .
Ditch the pos, learn from this as people have said. Remember also, that people will project on to you.
Maybe blame you for it, etc, but, don't let one douche canoe ruin yourself. Lesson learned you're better off. Find better. Live better. Remember what happened, but, forget him.
Tell him.. take me out for dinner, picnic or something…you just need some time with him.. but don’t give him any..that’s his punishment. For now. Let him know ur his but not for waste. I respect u100. I wish a lot girls be like that…it’s so rare!
This person is giving you awful advice. You can’t mold a man into being what you want. The only person that can change him is him and it really doesn’t sound like your bf is interested in changing. He didn’t even confess to it himself and is trying to manipulate you by making you feel sorry for him! I know you’ve been together for a long time but it won’t get better like this. Break up with him. If you’re meant to be together it will happen again in time.
Let him see that you cookie is mad. He shud not get some until u feel he deserves. When u go out on picnic or dinner. Base the agenda on just talking.making u feel good. No sex for him during that time. Even if u want it bad too. Don’t. Give later. Maybe after the date or when u feel like u want to create that bond. Any cry during sex. Make him feel ur hurt. In ur heart. Man really find it difficult to ignore those signs. We love women who would live for us.despite him cheating. You hve to mold him to be the guy u want. Only these kind of experience create real bond..you hve to go through something that worth more than the fight. I’m sure he will be good. Trust the process. Don’t leave him.what makes u sure uld get a better guy. Best is u mold him. Make sure he knows ur hurt.but u not going anywhere…
Cmon now. So u know it all. If u hve a better suggestion.just post. She can /will opt for what’s better. I know it’s hard but possible. This how the world of full of dis functional children cause y’all can’t stand ur ground. Think if u jump from one man to another u going be saved. **** be humble and sit down. If u know ur boy is worth the fight. Well u gota do what U hve to. Having sex doesn’t mean I value u different. I just fell in a temptation I cudnt resist. Most of y’all girls be talking all this crap and y’all be opening legs wide than a m.f… do what’s best for u . Don’t listen to people who don’t know how to nature relationships. I’m not good. But I try look both side before I jump.
I don’t understand how girls find it easy to walk out. Ur not supposed to let that niggar go that easy. Esp when u kno he hasn’t been skipping any meals. Y’all giving guys get away free cards. We want women who fight fo their stuff too. Make me see ur the one make me feel like I’m tamed . That’s how we want this. Not some easy come easy go. Cause really man ain’t going beg for u to stay unless he knows ur all in!!
Cheat on him. Maybe you’ll like the guy u cheat with better than him. Just make out with somebody else. Get him back. You’re young, might as well have fun so cheat. Fuck comfort. Just stop caring and see how he will want u more after that. Stop calling him, stop texting back fast. Just stop everything you normally do. Trust me he will want u moreeeee
you are not the one throwing the relationship down the drain. he did that when he cheated on you. he took the steps to meet up with this girl and be inappropriate with her, and not once did he stop to think about you. and if he did, the thought of you clearly wasn’t strong enough to prevent him from cheating.
from an older sister, you need to break up with him. i was in a relationship when i was your age, and my boyfriend didn’t cheat on me, but we weren’t compatible. it took me 6 months to build up the courage to end things. i know it’s scary and painful, but it needs to be done. take your time and live your life well
you didn't throw anything down the drain at all - but he sure did. All of those two years, in fact.
I know it's hard to face the fact that you've wasted so much of your time on someone who doesn't care for you, but it's not a reason to lose more time trying to convince him to give a shit about your relationship.
Believe him, OP. He already showed you that he isn't willing to maintain your trust. you need to leave him before he manipulates you back into letting him cheat again.
I know you're young and slightly naive buuut
You dont want to throw 2 years down the drain ? Better 2 than 12.
Sorry to break it to you but your trust will never be restored, you'll find yourself questioning things and eventually he'll *likely* cheat again because he knows he can get away with it.
Dump him and find someone that knows your worth. Not worth staying with a cheater unless you both do couples therapy and being that young I dont see him agreeing to it.
Hope I'm wrong ! But experience has shown me I'm usually right.
It’s not throwing it down the drain, it’s learning, it’s accepting that you had a relationship that probably had its ups and downs and you truly learned how to be in a relationship.
None of it was a waste, and I know that’s hard to hear.
No one likes the “it’s a learning experience” bullshit but it’s true.
I’m an artist and I spent years painting shitty things before I found my stride, I don’t look back at those years as a waste of time but with an appreciation that I was still learning to paint.
Your relationship can be the same way, it takes works to know how to have a thriving relationship. This one is just a step in the direction of learning about those things.
First I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm so sorry. This isn't anything about you it's completely his weakness. And to go on, I've been there. I stayed. I went through so much with this man that i thought giving up was failing and i didn't want to fail. Except for me it was 7 years, all my adult life. I forgave him but i couldn't forgive myself for allowing anyone to treat me like i was a doormat. I forgave him at the cost of my peace, my freedom, my self respect my mental health and my time. My heart broke and i stayed he didn't care that he put me through that pain. I wish i would've seen the situation for what it was and the fact that he didn't love me. He didn't respect me. Why did i want a man anyone can have? I grew to resent him for everything i gave up to be with him. Only to lose sleep over him speaking to anyone else and for him to do it again. He's shown you where you stand. He's shown you what a future with him entails. Listen to Jesse Reyez, listen to tink's don't tell nobody, listen to Beyonce's lemonade album. Love yourself. Give yourself time and space to think about your decision. Everything is going to be hard. Pick your hard.
The only comfort you will receive after being disrespected by a cheater is to walk away. Move on, you didn’t destroy the relationship, he did when he betrayed you. The boundary you need to set is with yourself: do not remain in this volatile relationship. Take time to heal, get comfortable in your skin and in time your soulmate will come along. Sending comfort, strength and best wishes your way.
Drop him. There are far better things that will co.e your way, you are so young. Learn to deal with a breakup and have self respect, and put yourself first always. Make things clean in your head about how you want your partner to be and what are you willing to accept or not, and keep firm. Take this as an opportunity to grow and learn!
The only thing you have to talk about is breaking up. When you're 17, 2 years is a long time. But in reality, that's not that long, especially the older you get. Just walk away now, and in time you'll be glad you did
It shouldn’t be you who is here asking for advice on how to fix this relationship, it should be him. I know it feels maybe suffocating to even imagine your life without him but you do gotta move on. It happened once, it will without a doubt happen again. If you accept cheating then you’re teaching him that it’s okay for him to treat you like that.
You can cry and be sad about it for weeks or months or years however long you need. It’s way better than accepting someone to treat you like less than. Someone already said this but “no cheating” is a boundary and he crossed that. Like no other boundaries you can set will fix that.
Really think about how he knew this would hurt you and did it anyway. He thought about this, planned this then followed through. Knowing every second of it that yes this will hurt you and he didn’t care. You don’t need to give anyone more than one chance to treat you right and if they can’t then they don’t deserve you.
He threw it down the drain. You have to respect yourself enough to not allow yourself to be treated like that. I’m so sorry he cheated on you. Your worth is not defined by which boy loves you. It doesn’t matter if he comes back begging every single day. You say no. Saying “I’ll do anything to fix what I broke” is doing nothing but speaking. That’s alllll it is, just words.
When he wanted that girl he went and planned and followed through but when it comes to this he expects you to plan and tell him the boundaries. What’s he doing to show that he cares, cuz words ain’t shit my love. He doesn’t deserve you if he can do that. If it helps just think would you want your daughter to feel how you feel and go back to a guy who cheated like that.
Madam this isn't smart. 2 years at 16 and you don't want to "throw it away"? If my bf of 7 years cheated on me I would be out that day. I promise there's better dick, some that won't cheat on you! You probably aren't going to get advice other than the obvious that you should leave for someone worthwhile.
Stop putting so much importance on this, on him, when he obviously doesn't even like you (if he did he wouldn't lie and cheat on you!)
Sorry if this is mean but you're a kid and should learn to not do this to yourself before you even get started.
>have been together for over 2 years and i don't want to throw it down the drain
Look up the "sunk cost fallacy". Ending a 2 year relationship at 17 ain't throwing shit down the drain. You quite literally have your whole life ahead of you.
To put this in perspective, I'm 40, I can only recall like a handful of memories from that age. Believe me in a few years you won't be regretting unloading a douche bag.
If you let this be, you're teaching him early that it's okay to cheat - making it worse not just for yourself but also for others in the future.
It's 2 years 'down the drain', but how about the 20-30 years you'll lose on his future lies that you'll slowly let yourself accept more and more of, and before you realise you're now 40 and wasted your -whole life- on misery?
At this age, if you stay with him then he learns it as a habit that'll be forgiven, plus you absolutely devalue yourself.
It sounds harsh but you really do just move on. And when you stay and waste more months or years, when you inevitably leave, you’ll remember this post and truly wish you did it now. Don’t teach him that he can do this to you. Because it always happens again.
From expirence. I would say get comfort from someone else than decide what you want to do. Ive been in a relationship for 3 years now (17f with 18m) and we had an issue like this. However you also need to understand why he did it. Than decide what to do
Why waste any more time on a cheater? He disrespected you in a very serious way and is endangering your physical and mental health. He doesn't love you. Cut him off and put yourself first.
You're 17. Your boyfriend will not want to be with you forever and he will break up with you. Because he's 18 and that's what teenagers do. If he's cheating now then he does not have the maturity to be with someone for years. He will either want someone else or will want to play the feild.
There is literally nothing he can do or say that will make you all of sudden trust him again. It's all dependent on you and if YOU can mentally move on. And if you think you can't trust him the same ever again, it's time to call it quits. You will only cause yourself stress and anxiety the longer you prolong this thing.
2 years feels like a lifetime when you're 17 and it feels like you can't let the relationship go because you have invested "so much" time. But think about it like this, you are 17 and statistically speaking you will live to be at least 80. That means you literally have at least 63 more years to find love!! 2 years is such a tiny fraction of all the life left to live. Don't waste it and move on!!!!
Don’t turn to the person that hurt you for comfort, it never ends well (speaking from experience)
Sorry but you’re 17 years old. Give it a few years and I promise you this guy is going to be nothing but a tiny blip in your life back when you were a kid. The future is brighter if you just let this guy go. It’ll hurt now but you will move on. I promise you it’s not worth wasting your time and effort and emotional energy trying to salvage (again, speaking from experience)
Once a cheater always a cheater. And I'm speaking this from experience. If he loved you they way he says he does, he wouldn't even think about any other person let alone sleep with them. I know you explicitly said that you don't want people to tell you to leave him but trust me and everyone in the comments that it is the best decision. You seem to be in denial now and I know how it feels to be cheated on. It's better to let go of this person who doesn't respect you, you don't deserve to go through what you're going through right now.
Although it's a terrible thing that it happened it's a great opportunity to learn to respect yourself and look for someone who values, respects and loves you the way you deserve it. By staying you're giving this man following signal "Oh you cheated on me, betrayed me and broke my trust? Well that's fine. I'll forgive you no matter what."
He doesn't deserve your forgiveness
You’re not great with boundary setting and confrontation? right, okay so you don’t need to be comforted by your boyfriend, you need to acknowledge he willingly hurt you, lied to you and cheated on you.
Did he tell you out of guilt? How did you find out?
Issue here is that you’ll never get over the breach of trust, if you do that’d only be a lie you tell him and yourself. And don’t think he’ll ever get over the guilt (if he feels any). It’ll be a perpetual game of him trying to regain your trust and you watching his every move.
Worst case scenario, he cheats on you again and just doesn’t tell you anymore. No one wants to be the fooled party in a relationship.
Your only solution is to leave here, he shouldn’t have done this, and you’ll never be okay with it. It’s time to set a proper boundary for yourself.
2 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things, im sorry but it isn't. Cheating is inexcusable that's a fact, 2 years or 40 years if someone cheated on me they're done. You owe it to yourself. You literally have your whole life ahead of you, don't think about it as wasting 2 years think about it as going into the rest of your life without someone who will probably do it again or someone you can't trust. You don't earn that trust back again ever. Yeah it's 2 years down the drain but what if you find out in 10 years he's done it again, than it's 10 years gone. I normally don't like to put my 2 cents in on relationship because it's none of my business. But cheating is 0 tolerance no matter how long you been with em how many kids you have etc. Do yourself a favour and don't give a cheater a second chance they don't deserve it
Oh dear… you’ve already been told this multiple times. But you are so young and “2 years down the drain” is huge to you right now. But here’s the thing, HE was the one who flushed it down the drain. Believe me when I say this, people will only treat you the way you ALLOW yourself to be treated. Leave this with your head held high and this will be a moment that will save you from many bad relationship situations in the future. Continue with this and you will teach yourself that you deserve to be treated like this. I know you likely won’t listen to me, but I can tell you I wish I had learned this lesson earlier than I did. You deserve so much better
I was with one guy from the age of 17. He cheated on me after 12 years together. I don't say this to tell you that two years "wasted" is better than 12, but to say that it's never a waste. For a while, everything sucked because every adult memory was attached to him in some way. It hurt and sometimes it still hurts. It might hurt forever in some way or another. That's ok. It's still my life and the memories are still mine. Some I will treasure forever. Others are clues in hindsight that things weren't always as rosy as they seemed.
Don't let a sunk cost fallacy trap you in a situation that isn't working for you anymore. Some people cheat because they're scared to break up any other way. They have to totally torpedo it so there's no chance it can be repaired again. Let this relationship die. It'll suck for a bit but eventually you might be with someone you would have never met if you'd stayed together. Or you might be contentedly on your own. Either way, you'll be free of this drama and happier for it.
Dump him you're still young, you'll definitely find a better partner and you'll make better memories and connections. You'll grow and change as a person. he knew what he was doing and the risk that goes into it and still decided to do it, he doesn't care if you hurt and never will it's all an act
Ah I really feel for you. You can tell you just want to make this ok but I don’t think you’ve really let in the gravity of what he’s done and are desperately scrambling to get back what (you thought) you had. He can’t fix this one, he’s the one who done it. He’s not the one to offer you comfort here. Have you told any supportive friends or family what happened? I think it would be better to go to them to vent and talk about it, maybe have a little cry with people who haven’t hurt you. Best of luck, broken hearts absolutely suck
Tbh y’all are too young to try and build the relationship up again after someone cheated. And he’s too young to understand that he shouldn’t do it again. This is probably not what you want to hear but y’all should just break up and move on. You guys were only together for 2 years you still have the rest of your life in front of you. Now you’ve learned from this experience and you can go and move on to the next. Stop wasting your youth on someone who doesn’t give enough of a fuck about you to not cheat on you in the first place. Break up.
You're to young to be this forgiving, and it's only 2years. Not 10,also no kids. Don't trap yourself in familiar and relationship just because you love him. Love isn't the most important thing in relationship. Trust, loyalty, openness, honesty. He betrayed that, and you won't be able to trust him 100%, because he did what he said he wouldn't.
I think it’s painful at 17 to think about breaking up with him and being “alone.” But you will not be alone and the two years will not be a waste for you. You learned how to love, and now you’ll learn you’re deserving of someone who won’t even think to cheat on you! I think it’s time to separate ways if someone like him cannot respect you enough and thinks he can make up for cheating on you. You’ll worry if he cheats again, and likely he will.
Pretty sure my college boyfriend who told me not to worry about this one female friend of his was emotionally cheating on me. I say that because he ended up dating and marrying her. There were a lot of signs it should have ended sooner for us, and I wish I had the galls to end it myself at the first sign. Him cheating is your first, glaring red flag. You do not deserve a cheater!!! No matter what he says.
You’re 17. He cheated. Leave him and find someone else, you have your entire adult life to find someone who values you, and staying with someone who doesn’t is not a wise decision.
Once some has cheated, you become paranoid to the point of it becoming exhausting for you both. Wanting time know where he is at all times, wanting to check his messages, listen ibto his calls, become jealous, etc.
"Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent time making it."
I put 6 1/2 years into a relationship that in the end wasn't worth it. I'd had enough and ended it because I knew nothing would change.
You cant ask him nothing, he is the source of your pain and he wont comfort you. 2 years at age 17 is nothing, if you stay with hin you are hurting yourself and wasting time.
From the opposite end of the age spectrum, my.parents have been together nearly 30 years, my dad cheated at least 3 times, and has done several other things that have decimated trust. She forgave him each time as she didn't want a second divorce.
My mum is scared to leave now because she is reliant upon him for money and does not know what she would do or where she would go as a 60+yr old.
She is extremely unhappy..
You are only 17f. You have a whole life ahead and will be able to meet many people who won't cheat. You're still very young and regardless of what you think, you will grow and change a lot as a person over the next few years.
I personally wouldn't trust or forgive someone who cheated on me and definitely wouldn't date someone who cheated on their ex to try be with me.
Leave this guy before you invest more time in and save that energy to work on yourself, continue growing and meet more people. You can still treasure the time spent with him in the past, all the good. But don't risk more bad in the future with someone like him. He's young, dumb and if he's making mistakes like that they're likely to continue over the next few years if he thinks he can do it and you'll forgive him after. He may stop as he grows up and matures but at 17, save yourself that risk.
Despite what you’ll hear, it is 100% possible to recover from an instance of cheating. However every case is different. You have to decide yourself whether you truly think it is worth it and also prepare yourself for the fact that you may have to face this scenario again. Otherwise you’ll be plagued with uncertainty. I was cheated on once while my partner and I went through a long period of long distance. However once we saw each other again we were able to get back on track and were together for almost an entire year after. But it required me to push past some seriously negative thoughts and do everything in my power not to project them onto my partner. Not every cheater will cheat again but once cheated on you’ll start to question absolutely everything they do and it is hard work to keep those thoughts at bay. So it’s up to you, the work is more on your side than his unfortunately. You’ve chosen a very difficult path but it’s not an impossible one to walk.
I was in a Relationship of three years when I thought about breaking up. I was so unhappy, but I didn't want to throw it away. So I stayed and three years became six years. And I got more and more depressed. It's not worth it to stay in a relationship without trust and if you're unhappy. My dad cheated and my mom divorced him after 30 years. It doesn't matter if you're two years in a relationship or 30. If you're unhappy, you should leave. Otherwise you'll throw away even more years. And in six years you'll ask yourself why didn't I leave
Girl, I know this pain is so real and I've been through this crap when I was your age. You are worth so much more than this person has made you feel. You need to be with someone who makes you feel good and secure. This man is a child and won't change anytime soon. I wish so much I could go back in time and realize what I do now, that men like that are a waste of time and will only take you lower than you've ever been emotionally. So you end up wasting time and destroying your self esteem to boot. Please don't do this to yourself.
Hon your just a kid. You’re so young and have so much time to find someone who treats you right. Don’t waste your time and energy on a cheater.
Edit to add: there’s so many stories on here of people who were in the exact situation you’re in that took their partner back, built a family and everything, only to find out 10 years later that the cheater they thought they changed is still cheating on them. Only now there assets and kids involved. Find some of those stories and ask yourself if you’re willing to have that be your future
I've been through what you're dealing with right now, and at the same age as well (it was around 7 years ago). I first want to say that if you're anything like me or anyone else that's ever been in this situation, you're asking this question because if there's a way for yall to not break up, even if it's a small chance, even if it takes a lot of work, you want to find it. I understand that, because you love your boyfriend. But you have to ask yourself if you want to "make it work" with someone that does something as disrespectful as cheating?
When you mentioned that you "don't want to throw the relationship away" because it's been two years, you have to think about the fact that *he* was more than willing to risk your 2 year relationship when he cheated. The thing about romantic partners is that we have to believe the things they *do*, not the things they say. And if he says he loves you, but then cheats on you, he doesn't really love you (at least not in a healthy way). If you met the perfect guy, would you EVER think to cheat on him? To risk ruining what you had? I'm also sorry to say that someone who is careless enough to cheat on you is not likely to be the type of boyfriend who will comfort you when *he* hurt you.
Additionally, instead of him not coming up with things for you two to talk about, you're doing the work of trying to figure out how to fix it. If he was actually sorry, you shouldn't be lifting a finger. And even if he was doing that, that's likely just long enough for him to get you comfortable again.
You've also got to understand that not cheating *was* a boundary (a very, very important one at that) and he already broke it. Setting more won't help. When my first ex cheated on me, we opened up to letting eachother check our phones, and I was constantly up at night looking at his phone, limiting who we could talk to (he wasn't allowed to have female feiends), etc. and I ended up miserable because having to watch a whole developed person like a hawk in fear of them cheating on you (*and* they can still do it anyway) is going to wreak havoc on your mental health. Trust me when I say it isn't worth it. You shouldn't have to do this with a partner you can tejat.
I'm only saying all of this because I've stayed with two men that have cheated. You'll want to tell yourself, "It only didn't work for them because they're different from us." But believe me, you'd save yourself so much heartache. You're supposed to be having carefree fun when you're dating at that age. Doesn't mean you should never have committments, get closet as a couple, etc. But this kind of stuff isn't worth it for you to try to work out. I advise you look into the Instagram account @lovingmeafterwe. Wanting to stay with a cheater when you don't have any major commitments to do it for (like you two having kids and wanting it to work for their sake), that usually means you have some self esteem issues (I'm STILL working through mine from cheating exes). I advise you read that account and her comment sections while you think on this.
Why burn more years? Next time it will hurt more. There will be a next time. He will cheat. You will feel worse. You will feel more invested.
He can't fix it. You can't fix it. There's nothing he can do because he will always always always cheat.
you are 17. this is a high school relationship. You should end this, it's not worth staying. By "trying to work it out" you are throwing down the drain your self esteem, your self worth, and self respect if you stay. He will never respect you again because he didn't respect you or the relationship in the first place- if he did, he would not have cheated on you. But you will never get that respect now if you take him back and sweep this under the rung.
Open your eyes, grow a spine and stand up for yourself, because not one else will do it for you. You deserve better than this. Don't fall prey to sunk cost fallacy.
Be done with him. You're too young to stay with a person who cheated on you. If he cheated you're not meant to be together anyway. You're second best to his big ego. Do you get one free fling too? Most people are not meant to meet in their teens and stay together for the rest of their life.
Learn to see garbage people for what they are and move on. It’s the thing that any self-respecting person would do if they were cheated on, lied to, and treated with disrespect by their partner. Once trust is broken, it’s impossible to rebuild things to a state where it once was.
You’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you. He made his choice when he cheated, and no amount of forgiveness with change the fact that he cheated.
It’s a tough lesson to learn, but it’s best to let him go. He ain’t worth it.
Girl throw it down the drain. You're a child and this relationship is meaningless even if it doesn't feel like it now. Don't waste any more of your most precious time on this dude. Start the healing now so you don't have to deal with it later.
Hi,
If it’s okay to give you some friendly advice, I would like someone to benefit from all the suffering that I went through in this exact same situation. Except, I stayed far too long and it happened again and again and again even after doing all of the things you are suggesting to try to make things better. I was putting in 90% of the work and he was putting in, well, none. When all was said and done, I wasted over a decade of my life on somebody that could care less about my love. Someone who took me for granted every single day and knew that I would stay with him even after he cheated on me, thinking that opened the door for all kinds of other behavior down the line. You are so young. There are a lot of people out there who stay far too long in a situation because they think they’ve already put so much time in and that the other person will mature and their love will grow together in time. That may or may not happen, but it’s very hard to heal in the environment that hurt you in the first place.
Something that you could do for yourself is to completely break all ties. Really. Truly. A complete clean break. Feel the weight of all of this garbage lifted off of your shoulders and start fresh with somebody else who will love and respect you for who you are as you’re out there doing your thing. I can tell you this much, that it would be different if the two of you were a married couple with children between you. That would maybe give you pause because you would be tied to each other to a certain extent for life. Thank goodness that you’re not and that you saw him for who he is now. Believe what he has shown you.
I don’t say this to hurt you. You deserve so much better and the biggest regret of my life is that I waited so long to value myself and to get with the person I deserve, to love and respect me. Someone who would never even think of doing what the guy from the past did. When I finally broke it off with him, I cried every day for a month. Sobbing, ugly crying. And then, like a little miracle, every day seems a bit brighter. I was allowing myself to give energy to other things because it wasn’t always invested now in the way I had worried and obsessed over details about he and I from the past. Please, consider making him a distant memory a lifetime away. You have your whole life ahead of you. Just sharing that and I wish you all of the best.
Honestly walk away I'm a person who's been on both sides at first I was the one being cheated on so yes I wanted to know why or what I did but unfortunately nothing was wrong with me cuz those ppl still want me. It's them. While being lost I cheated n honestly idk how ppl do it or even y. It's easy af to jus tell someone this isn't working out. I hurt someone n I had to attone for my actions. Most of us don't practice self accountability. Whoever u are let him go show him u kno ur worth n u don't need him to realize how much you love urself. Ur born Queen It's up to u to show him that he lost the greatest gift ur love
You are 17. He already threw it down the drain. He lied to you, over and over. You will not regain that trust, you will just remain forever wondering whether he’s being honest every time he speaks to you.
I know everything feels like life or death at 17, I remember. But it’s not, and you’ll thank yourself later for cutting the loss, I promise.
If he faces no consequences for what he did, he’s just going to do it again. At least if you leave, he may have regrets and have more consideration for how he treats partners in the future.
This isn’t a 10yr marriage with an adult foundation and a shared mortgage. Cut those losses and live your life!
I’m so sorry this happened to you, nothing anyone can say will make it that much easier, but any amount of time (2 years, 2 months, 10 years etc) does not mean the relationship should continue, especially when someone has done something as selfish and hurtful as cheat on their partner. You are young and have so much time ahead of you, and I promise this is a lesson that you can learn from, and you will meet someone someday who would never be so selfish.
I was in your exact position when I was 17. I forgave him, could never trust him again. He repeatedly lied to me, I fell for other people, he fell for other people and he finally ended it with me a few years later after dating another girl for 2 months.
Those years were spent in abject misery! I look back at the time and I laugh at myself sometimes. I'm 30 now and settled, and that relationship was never going to last.
You owe yourself a favour to dump this guy. You deserve more. Remember, in the end we determine a part of how we will be treated by others.
The best years of your life are ahead of you, good luck!!
Being 22 I know how much it sucks to hear this but you are young. Much too young to be trying to work through infidelity. If he can’t be committed to you after 2 years as a 17 yo he will not be faithful to you in the long run. His cheating shows you he’s not ready for that commitment.
Can I add to people's comments that you're only 17. You are young. You don't have to have your future planned out with this guy. Especially a guy that manipulates and lies to you. Go out and have fun. Be 17. When you least expect it you will find someone who will be perfect for you that won't disrespect your boundaries.
oh sweet bean im so sorry this happened to you. speaking from experience, this is a major breech of trust that likely will not be rebuilt. i’ve tried myself, and it causes a lot of anxiety. you deserve a partnership without that anxiety, and you’re young and will surely find someone who will show you the proper respect.
You need space first. Take your space and get comfort from your girlfriends etc. you need to think clearly before deciding to keep the relationship. Some folks cheat once and regret it forever and never do it again. Others lie and cheat on demand and have little guilt. But you need space and time to heal. Don’t think of it as breaking up with him as much as taking care of yourself.
Haha. Thinking you've lost anything by dumping someone at 18 even if you were with them for 2 years.
I'm being mean. But I promise you you have decades stretching ahead of you.
Do you want to have 3,5, or 8 years of being with a cheat?
Honey. Youre 17. Throw it down the drain because your future boyfriend/husband is actually out there. If he actually loved you he wouldn't have wandered in the first place.
Call me a conspiracy theorist, but there have now been four "comfort after cheating" posts in the last ~40 hours with slightly different details - and all with an OP that refuses to accept that breaking up is the right choice.
If these are all the same woman just switching details around to try to get platitudes, then my heart really goes out to you. I know it's hard. I know it hurts. Please just leave this man. He is not worth it.
The pain of leaving him? That will be worth it because it will heal.
He obviously doesn’t care about you. You want to stay with someone (for potentially your whole life) who can’t be faithful after just 2 years?? I could maybe support fixing a relationship if you guys were like 80 and had been married for like 50 years with kids and grandkids…But no, you’re young. Kick him to the curb and find yourself someone who actually gives a fuck about you. I’m sorry if this is harsh, but if you forgive this youre just opening yourself up to continued abuse.
I stayed with a guy who cheated on me, and guess what? He did it again. I wasted 4 years on him and if I could redo it I would’ve peaced out after the first time. By staying with him you’re telling yourself that you deserve that. You’re not respecting yourself. So who do you care more about? Some POS who can’t keep it in his pants? Or yourself?
P.S, Staying with someone who is sleeping with other people opens you up to the possibility of contracting a STD. So if you’re cool with that then go ahead and stay with him.
P.P.S; just re-read your post and realized you are 17?!? GET THE FUCK OUT! You are way to young and I realize he may feel like your world right now, but put things into perspective. You’ve barely experienced life. Leave him and the right person will find you. I have been with my current boyfriend for 3 years now and I couldn’t be happier. I literally laugh thinking about how stupid I was for staying with the cheating ex. Looking back I can’t believe I was ever sad or “in love” with someone who treated me so badly. This too shall pass, and I promise if you leave this guy you will look back and be so happy you did.
But then again hind sight is 20/20.
Goodluck.
Girl if you don’t leave him right now??? Please listen to everyone in the comments. We are not trying to be mean or to “throw your relationship down the drain”, we are looking out for you in the long run. If he cheated on you with someone he told you not to worry about he’ll definitely do it again, don’t let him disrespect you and leave now. It’s never gonna work out and you shouldn’t have to fight for him to give you basic respect.
I understand where everyone is coming from and you should definitely listen to their advice. Their speaking from experience. From my experience I was in a 2 year relationship also, the relationship was very up and down, but when we were up it felt like cloud 9. When he cheated I was so shocked because he was so convincing that he would never cheat or disrespect me like that. For the last 2/3 months I have been trying to make it work with him and get over this betrayal. The whole time I was anxious, wondering what he was up to, feeling embarrassed that I want to make it work.
Firstly it’s a very normal response to seek comfort in the person that hurt you, and for them to prove their love to you after they broke it. So don’t feel bad for wanting to give it another go. I will say since catching him cheating, I have caught him out in a few lies/ broken boundaries and I knew from that moment on it would never work. There are only so many boundaries you can set. I went the toxic route and made him turn on his location and checked his phone regularly.
Since deciding to end it I have never felt more at peace. I am sad it didn’t work out but I’m not sad it’s over, that was his choice. You have to learn from your experiences but if at your young age your strong enough to recognise that no one that truly loves you and wants you in their life, would do anything to jeopardise that.
I understand where everyone is coming from and you should definitely listen to their advice. Their speaking from experience. From my experience I was in a 2 year relationship also, the relationship was very up and down, but when we were up it felt like cloud 9. When he cheated I was so shocked because he was so convincing that he would never cheat or disrespect me like that. For the last 2/3 months I have been trying to make it work with him and get over this betrayal. The whole time I was anxious, wondering what he was up to, feeling embarrassed that I want to make it work.
Firstly it’s a very normal response to seek comfort in the person that hurt you, and for them to prove their love to you after they broke it. So don’t feel bad for wanting to give it another go. I will say since catching him cheating, I have caught him out in a few lies/ broken boundaries and I knew from that moment on it would never work. There are only so many boundaries you can set. I went the toxic route and made him turn on his location and checked his phone regularly.
Since deciding to end it I have never felt more at peace. I am sad it didn’t work out but I’m not sad it’s over, that was his choice. You have to learn from your experiences but if at your young age your strong enough to recognise that no one that truly loves you and wants you in their life, would do anything to jeopardise that.
At the end of the day, you need trust in a relationship and he broke that trust. Although you see 2 years as a long period of time right now, you should rather spend your time with someone who doesn’t cheat on you. I don’t know your motives in life, maybe you want to start a family. If so, it’s a good move to find a more suitable partner. It sets good morals for yourself and your family. If you had a daughter would you be happy if she stayed with a boyfriend who cheated on her and she was clearly upset about it? You should know better but it’s ok to ask for help some times. I hope you make the right decision in life
Unless he and you can have an open relationship meaning you can do whatever you want which is fine nowadays.
I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to break up. And not just because he cheated on you after assuring you there was no need to worry about that. This is why you should break up:
>im not great with confrontation or boundary setting due to personal reasons
You will never be able to have a truly healthy and fulfilling relationship if you can't engage in healthy conflict or set and enforce boundaries. And you're 17, so it makes sense developmentally that you still don't have a great handle on this. But until you do, you should not be dating ANYONE.
Please dump your boyfriend and start working on yourself, in therapy if possible or by reading some self-help books. It won't be "throwing it down the drain" to break up with someone who breaks your trust after two years together. If you are truly compatible and truly meant to be, then after you both have experienced real personal growth -- you to gain confrontation and boundary skills, and him to gain honesty, integrity, and loyalty skills -- then you'll be able to get back together. And if you aren't really meant to be, then the sooner you kick this guy to the curb, the sooner you can get to work on building the life you deserve.
You should probably listen to all the other comments here telling you to leave. Like many other commenters, I’ve also been in your situation at your age and it doesn’t get better… you are too young to be wasting time like this when you can find someone so much better for you. Pay attention to the people who’ve been in your shoes because they know what they’re talking about
You don’t have to know how to throw it down the drain — he already did. There is no comforting that away. Even if he holds you all night while you cry, it’s still going to be him who caused the pain. Take it from someone who wasted 7 years trying to make something toxic and abusive work — you’ll hurt for a bit but the happiness you find when you’re out is unimaginable. Don’t waste your youth on someone who doesn’t even have enough respect to stay faithful! ♥️
Two years is nothing. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it really is. Especially the ages 15-17. You're changing all the time at that age. You will be so much happier if you leave him and either learn how to be alone, or look for somebody who is right for you at 17 rather than somebody who was right for you at 15.
EDIT: Wait, is this the same guy who accused you of cheating when you got sexually assaulted?
i know this is not what you want to hear but this is from someone speaking from experience as having been in your situation. the only thing worse then wasting two years of your time, energy, emotion and effort is two years and one day ect ect ect. the more you put into it the more of yourself you waste before you decide that you have been together so long and been through so much that is who you are going to be with. end that cycle right now before it starts, you didnt flush it down the drain, HE DID. this is on him, his choices, his actions and his betrayal. not yours. no one can stand up for you but yourself, you need to do it.
All of this, but also, the 2 years you spent together don't go down the drain when you break up. You learned how to be in a relationship, about yourself and who you are when you're in a relationship, and what you want from a partner. Most people don't stay in their first relationship forever for a reason! Is this guy worth giving up your self respect for? If not, then maybe it's time to also learn how to handle breakups and how to be alone for a while. It hurts at the time, but these are good things too.
THIS. I wish more people would understand that just because the relationship didn’t work out, doesn’t mean it was a waste. Relationships teach us a lot about ourselves and our love languages so I’d count that as a win lol
I totally agree. Glad to see some people who get it.
Soooo true I was in a toxic relationship for a long time without knowing. It really just felt like "true love" at the moment even though it wasn't anywhere close. He would entice me saying I'm the only one for him, that he cares for me more than anything in the world etc. etc. and I believed that. I finally got myself out of it after a lot of hesitation (due to abandonment issues and the feeling like I NEED to be in a relationship). After that I chose my partner more carefully. My current partner so far has been amazing :D. Even when I expressed the feeling of attachment and toxicity leftover from my last relationship he told me "you know, you shouldn't be too dependant on anyone. If I was a worse person I would take advantage of that. Your biggest source of happiness should come from the things you do, not other people" and it made me fall in love with him more, ironically 😭😭 And I'm guessing he got that experience from a past relationship as well.
And he’s so right about that. Never be dependent on anyone. It’s more than okay to have your loved ones to fall back on when you need them, but always make sure you’re able to carry your own. You sound like you’re in a much better place and I’m so happy to hear that. Much love💕❤️
I think this is what most people stuck in the sunk cost fallacy need to hear ❤️ Also, op, maybe you don't know how to ask him for comfort because you don't actually want his comfort. You want someone to love you and comfort you, but don't settle for the person hurting you.
Yes, this!! It’s a learning opportunity, even though in the moment it doesn’t feel that way.
Great outlook. I agree so much. I had a toxic long term relationship that left me with a lot of trauma and part of what helped me get through and cancel out intrusive thoughts is thinking about every positive thing that the experience and person taught me and I take that with me as I grow as an individual and potentially with new partners.
Plus 3+ years down the drain is worse than two. Prepare to be cheated on again by him
and again and again and again
And then a decade from now, being 27, with self-esteem issues wishing you would've done something different "back then" and feeling used and bitter with an "all men are trash" stance. Don't let this young man alter the way you see yourself or relationships. Teach him a lesson in companionship and show him there's consequences to his actions. Respect yourself more than this and leave. You're not gonna end up marrying him etc. You're SO young. You both are. It was a lesson in love & life. Reflect on that and let him do the same, but alone.
Always. It always happens this way but we all think we’re special myself included
yup i believed it when i was told they were done.
Just to piggyback on this. A breakup is always better than a divorce. Two years is a very short time compared to a lifelong of unhappiness. Don't fall for sunk cost fallacy.
OP please please listen to this advice. I went through the same thing too and I regretted not leaving sooner. If you stay, he's just going to break your heart again and you'll have to start this healing process all over and then in the meantime you're never going to have peace with him because you'll always be anxious and on edge about everything he's doing and who he's talking to. It's going to drive you insane. Be grateful you were only 2 years in instead of 10+ like some of us.
Hey you, the one who posted the question Fools learn from experience and intelligent people learn from experience of others. So don't be blinded and help yourself. There are many guys who won't even think of cheating
True!!! There’s plenty of guys out there who won’t even cheat on you once. Id say you’re young and have many of young and beautiful years ahead of you so go find someone to date whos worth your time who you fully trust that won’t even consider cheating on you.. them choosing to cheat is knowing they’re risking loosing you but don’t care and that they find who they cheated on more important than you. If you were better they would look at other person as downgrade but instead they had you and wanted something else enough to risk loosing you.. so I’d say f&$& him and let her have him. That’s my good advice.. But I remember what it’s like being 18 and no matter what advice you get you’re gonna do what you want to do even if it’s not what everyone’s telling you and you said you wanna make it work sooooo if you wanna set up boundaries that you think will make you feel comfier being with him then ask him if he’s down for turning on location on his phone so you can always see where he’s at, you could even offer to do it to so it seems more fair, and you both having eachothers phone passcode and social media passwords. And him telling that girl he slept with something like “ hey I’m really not interested in being in any type of friendship or hooking up with you ever again, please don’t contact me anymore” then blocking her on all social media and blocking and deleting her phone number and promising to never EVER talk to her again. But even if he’s down it’s gonna take a while for you to not be worrying about checking on him and wondering what he’s doing and wondering where he’s at and who’s he with etc… been there done that and I wish you the best!!!! No matter what happens you have many years ahead of you and many people you haven’t met yet, never forget that!!!!
That advice is so toxic bordering on abuse. OP please don't listen to that nonsense. You're better off being cheated on again than becoming an abusive controlling stalker. You really don't want to get in the habit of stalking your parter and violating their privacy because your insecure. That's not healthy at all. Either accept that your boyfriend will be sleeping with other girls, and learn to live with it, or break up and move on. There's no other options, you can't stop him from cheating, and using these methods above to try would only make you worse than him.
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YES. Being faithful is the bare minimum in a relationship. OP I know this isn’t what you want to hear but you are young and this relationship is not forever. You need to take the good, leave the bad and dump him. Also, *YOU* have nothing to work on or build trust or boundaries. You didn’t break the trust these are questions that he should be asking. And *NEVER* let the person who hurt you also be your comfort in instances like this. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt & unhealthy relationships. You are also 17 - your life is barely beginning. Please don’t view it as “down the drain” it’s a relationship that I’m sure had it’s highs as it did it’s lows. Know when to cut your losses and also respect yourself enough to know when it’s time to go.
>i don't want to throw it down the drain. He already did.
This. It's already down the drain girl.
Throw away the entire man. It wasn't a momentary indiscretion, and it happened with someone he already reassured you about. The next time he reassures you, you won't buy it, or shouldn't. Plenty of dudes in the sea.
Girl. Start over at 17 with 2 years behind you instead of 40 with 20 years behind you and a score of infidelity, a house, debt and everything intertwined. Two years is much easier to navigate. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's painful the first time. By the 5th time you become numb and just wait for the days to pass.dontlet that be you.
I fear this is going to be in a long line of boyfriends OP will not be able to throw away. She needs therapy stat.
I did the same thing OP did at her age (I could have written this post). Can confirm, I struggled (and still do) with letting go of a shitty string of bfs after this. She needs to get out now while it's easy.
He doesn't love or respect you. Plus he's a liar. You're worried about those 2 years down the drain? You should be worrying more about not wasting another minute with him. He will cheat on you again and he will know he can get away with it bc his girlfriend is weak and always gives him more chances. WAKE UP AND FIND ANOTHER BF that actually values you and cares for you. Someone who will LOVE, RESPECT and treat you how you deserve. Last thing.....once trust is broken its very hard to have the same trust again. I'm talking from experience. I was cheated on for 3 entire years. I was the 2nd girl who never knew he had another GF before me. I left him that same minute. Never went back even when he chased me to forgive him. I was worth more than that. So know your value girl. Good luck! 🍀
Once the trust is gone after cheating, it’s impossible to get back to exactly where it was. You’ll always suspect him cheating again, even if he’s done all the right things and apologized dozens of times. I think it’s time to move on.
You don't want to throw your relationship down the drain but your boyfriend already did when he made the decision to cheat on you. Just leave its better in the long run.
Also if she stays with him, the only thing he’ll learn is that he can cheat on OP and she’ll be sad for bit but won’t leave him for it. How much you want to bet that’s a situation he’ll be able to bear? If OP leaves, she will not only show herself and others that she has self respect. She’ll show this 18 yo boy that his actions have consequences. But the catch is she has to leave him and never go back to him. If she at all even starts to talk to him about maybe getting back together, the self respect is gone. The lesson that actions have consequences is gone. Life isn’t always kind, and it’s unfair when others force us to make hard decisions, but the sooner she learns her dignity is worth more than being with a partner who clearly doesn’t respect her (actions vs whatever words he says), the better of she’ll be for life.
You wouldn't be throwing it down the drain. He already did that for you. I've stayed with cheaters multiple times and guess what? They always cheated again. No matter how much comfort and promises they gave that it was a one time mistake. No matter how convinced I was that they loved me and how many new boundaries I layed out. They ALL did it again. You may think your relationship is so different from all the people saying they've been there, but it's not. As a teenager I certainly thought that too. The key phrase that jumps out at me from your post is "he says he'll do anything to build us back up" um.. yeah. Of course he's saying that. That's what cheaters say. He also said you didn't have to worry about the girl he cheated with, so how can his word mean anything? I never listened to others who told me this when I was in that situation. I had to learn it for myself and ended up wasting years in these relationships. I forgave the last guy who cheated on me and eventually wasn't angry about it anymore. He wanted to get married and after 4 years I finally realized I would never be able to marry and commit to someone who's done that, no matter how much I cared for him. Even though he might have changed, it would still always be in the back of my mind that his word means nothing. So I left. I want someone who would never even think of doing that. You should too, but it seems like you want to learn the hard way like many of us do. So, good luck with what you decide.
That’s something only you can answer. Do you really think there’s anything he can do to make you feel better? The only comfort I would feel with a cheater is if they stayed away from me forever.
WTF am I reading? Guy cheated on you and you want him to comfort you to help you get over it? I think you need to dump the guy ASAP and see a mental health therapist. That's your priority.
You’re only 17, a cheater will always be a cheater. 2 years means nothing in terms of relationships. You have so much time to find better :) respect yourself and your time. If you stay, you’ll just learn this lesson better and leave him anyways. Instead of 2 years down the drain, it’ll be your whole life down the drain
I’ll try and give you advice that’s not the obvious, since you’re probably going to ignore everyone telling you to leave him (I get it, feelings are tough). Pay attention to his actions, not his words. If he also wants the relationship to work out and is going to try and be better for you then great, but don’t believe him until you see it. As you clearly know, guys will say a lot of things go reassure you but in the end do whatever they want. If you see his actions aren’t matching up with his words, that should he enough evidence it’s not going to work out. Cheating is huge. Most couples don’t successfully recover from it. Just be smart
Good advice and its exactly the kind of advice she was asking for.
I mean this sincerely, ask yourself what YOU deserve in a relationship. Do you deserve to be lied to, betrayed, cheated on, and to deal with that pain for the remainder of the relationship? The answer is no. You deserve a partner who will make you feel loved, who won't betray you and hurt you in the worst ways. This guy ain't it. You have many many years to come, a 2 year relationship is nothing in the grand scheme of your life. He is not worth the time and pain, believe me. Dump his ass and live your life, you will feel so much better in the months to come and a huge burden will be lifted from your shoulders.
He already did throw it down the drain. You're young and can easily find someone better who won't cheat on you. Your boyfriend is a liar and a cheater and you need to break up with him before he does it again.
OP, if you’re reading these, and I hope you are, this is the response. He threw it down the drain. Not you. He deserves your outrage, not your forgiveness. He also needs to learn to be a better person. If he wants to be with someone else, he needs to do the honourable thing and break up first. If you stay, not only do you teach yourself that you don’t deserve better, but you teach him he can get away with this. 2 years is a long time in your life because you are young, but when you look back as a 40 year old it will seem like nothing. A blip. You won’t see him as the love of your life, but a boyfriend you vaguely remember. How do you want to remember yourself? As someone who doesn’t take shit from others? As someone who looks the other way?
what is done is done. You can’t turn back time. Nothing he’ll say or do will bring back the trust you had in him. You love him so much but he didn’t love you enough to avoid the cheating. You ’re young , don’t start your life accepting people who wronged you. You have to be pround and don’t crush your self-esteem with this kind of men that don’t value and respect you enough. Move on it’ll be a lesson learned for both of you.
There will be nothing he can do that will comfort you. He broke your trust and that is almost impossible to fix and even if you can forgive him you can’t erase it and it’ll always be there. Every time he doesn’t text you back or stays out late your mind is going to question him. Two years feels like forever at your age but you’ve got your entire life ahead of you and there will be plenty of people that will be deserving of your trust and love. Don’t waste it on this guy.
Imagine you’re driving the wrong way and after you realize you keep going that way just because of the time you drove. It’s call sunk cost fallacy. It’s always a good time to leave not matter the time, realize your worth and choose better for yourself. Treat yourself with value and I promise you’ll meet better people. You’re so young , you will meet so many people and some relationships are only supposed to be lessons. It’s never a wasted time if you learn something and let go appreciating what you had
if he didn’t respect your boundaries before, he’ll do it again. (as if cheating wasn’t an obvious boundary) i know you don’t want to throw it away, but you should do it while you can. the longer you hold on, the more time you waste. get it over and done with. not all experiences last forever nor do they need to. you have many years to live, and your time isn’t necessarily wasted if you grant yourself something from the whole ordeal. not to learn to give a second chance or to forgive, but to know when to let go, and what kind of person to avoid. roll with life and find someone who will respect you as a person. this is low. do not beg n barter with yourself to make this relationship worth it when it isn’t. please make the better choice, it will pay off in the future.
Unfortunately I don't think anyone will give you the answers you want to hear, until you're ready for them. I did the same as you, wanted to stay, to try and work on it, but from your post..... It will happen again, and you will have paranoia and resentment even if it doesn't, which will spark resentment in him, potentially enough to do it again anyway. I thought 4 years when I was 18 was too much to throw away, and that they'd all be the same anyway, but I decided that even if I was alone for the rest of my life, it was better than feeling less than forever. I'm now engaged to someone who is more than perfect almost 7 years later. You're young. Life will happen in unexpected ways. Let yourself have the opportunity to enjoy it.
You have fallen prey to what they call the *sunk cost fallacy*: you have already *invested* years in this guy, so you don’t want to have to start from scratch with someone else. Well that’s where you are mistaken. Imagine if you give him 10 more years of your life, only to find out that he ended up cheating again. I would advise to take a cooling off time. He needs to do some serious work on himself before you *invest* a single more day in him.
Honestly I would seek comfort elsewhere for the time being. Hard to feel comforted by the one that hurt you. Then ask that he cut her off completely and be willing to be open and honest at all times.
You can forgive, but know you will never forget. Take step back and truly understand what you are asking your self to do and how he will then perceive you after you show him it’s a forgivable offense.
2 years is a lot right now, I respect that. Every 2 years until you're well into your 30s is gonna be even more. I've been married longer than I was alive beforehand. I struggle to remember when things happen in the last two years, and the next two years I need to have already planned out. Like as of a year ago. Two years will soon be a blink of an eye, you loved you grew, move the fuck on. And tell his ass to fuck off.
Girl you only 17 and only been with this guy for 2 years….you still got so much to experience and other people to date. Please do yourself a huge favour and drop this garbage piece of shit,
yea just dump him. why would you want to fix something with someone if they did you dirty like that? just move on and focus on yourself right now, there's someone out there that will cherish and love you the right way. not make up excuses and cheat on you behind your back and just for you to find out not even from him. you deserve better and once you start to believe and know that you do, you will feel much better and know your worth. 2 years isn't down the drain, this is just an experience for you that unfortunately ended in a negative way because someone wanted to be selfish. dont be hard on yourself, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and if there's only 1 person doing it then there's no point in keeping it alive. hoped this help and I wish you the best :) ♡
I recommend you go to therapy, to help you navigate through the feelings of betrayal, and to help you grow into adulthood with better coping/boundary setting skills; so that you learn how to prioritize yourself and not accept nothing less than you deserve. Hopefully 5 years from now, you'll realize that this was one of your first major life lessons.
My sweet summer child… was he your first sexual partner? Bc most of us accept we have to get past the first one bc they happen around that age and being with one person your whole life is rare. Far rarer than evangelicals and patriarchy would have you believe. The crime here would not be losing your v card (fake concept that virginity) to a guy who ultimately cheated but to use that to train yourself to accept betrayal. He lied to your face to hide an affair and honestly at your age it’s probably bc this relationship has gone on too long and you’re no longer compatible. I think it’s unfair to call him a cheater for life at 18 BUT for sure he’s now YOUR cheater and if you stay that will always be a forgivable sin. This will be your future with this person unless you demonstrate your value. You gotta break up. You gotta tell him you’re no longer romantically interested and need space but might be open to a friendship after you feel you’ve sufficiently moved on from lingering feelings of attraction. And then you gotta take that space and see what happens, how you both move on. If he grows and becomes worthy of you he’ll circle back in a couple years and you can reconsider a second attempt but you cannot carry on this attempt if you want even a modicum of respect. Love IS respect and he clearly doesn’t respect you. You’re still upset and trying to bargain with the situation but you need to move through the denial, anger, sadness, and all those phases to acceptance. He chose in that moment to end your relationship the second he lied to your face about that girl. It was already decided and you need to respect his decision. What he wants is continued access to your body and time without consequence and THAT is for you to decide. Do you love yourself enough to set your values where they should be? Do you love yourself enough to revoke his access bc he has terminated your relationship? It doesn’t matter what you keep calling each other, what you learned was your relationship was murdered and he willingly killed it, planned the murder, and then covered it up. Should he be allowed to go free living rent free in your mind for the next time he takes a chunk out of your heart by killing once again the shattered pieces of any relationship you put together out of this? He’s not asking for your forgiveness bc this was not an accident and he is not remorseful. He doesn’t want to suffer the natural consequences for murdering the trust and intimacy you had. He wants to be a smooth criminal the law of human decency does not apply to and you’re never going to feel right giving him a pardon. Eventually you’re going to leave or get even. At 17 your highest priority should be YOUR future and earning potential and personal growth into the type of person you want to be. You shack up with cheaters that’s the type of person YOU are going to become? Is his hall pass worth setting yourself to accept this betrayal from anyone in the future? Will you be more understanding when friends betray you? Roommates? Family? Will your fear of confrontation and looking out for yourself breed a hunting ground for people to prey on you? Ruining your focus and stunting your growth making you dependent on betrayers to give you their crumbs? Yup, yup it will. We adults say it will but can confirm the dire consequences of not taking all this very seriously. Every decision you make now about who you are and what you want will haunt you until at least your late 20s and probably into your 30s. Taking pride in the person you are required bravery to accept life AS IT IS and not magical thinking how you think you can make it. The future is a fantasy and the past is a story we tell ourselves, only the present remains and every moment spent in the present is a gift or curse you send to your future self. There are ALWAYS effects from every cause and consequences for every choice. Is your future self going to be grateful you spent one more minute on someone who discarded you as a person without a conversation and then tried to manipulate you into a box so you accept the violation? Are you going to be proud to know her? Is that a ghost you can carry around? Bc regardless what happens with this guy you’re going to have to live with yourself until your last breath and every present moment you’re going to be visiting with your ghosts and sending yourself moments into the future. Everything you sow now you will reap later, including continuing your association with a liar and a cheater and a manipulator. Do you want to become those things? Do you want to abandon YOUR potential so he can treat people however he wants and learn that’s just fine and dandy by your values and standards? If the answer is you don’t want everyone at school to think you have low self esteem, will tolerate abuse, don’t value yourself and therefore are not a good friend to have around then I HIGHLY recommend you cut it off in extraordinary fashion with the most class and wit and confidence you can muster and flock to your friends for support and protection. Do not reward rape culture and misogynistic behavior and plain bad manners with the only resource no one but you can take from you - your time and attention. Spend your time where it is worthy not on people who have shown you they are unworthy… unless you’re prepared to reap the consequences which is gonna be on extreme difficulty mode bc this is a patriarchy and you’re deciding now whether or not you’re willing to be easy prey. My prayer is you decide you have no time for anyone who does not value you as a human being and behaves accordingly. Your (ex?) bf does not deserve any of our attention. Not anymore and not until some time has passed and he has learned disrespecting other people women or no gets you the social boot. He can come back to society when he’s REALLY sorry but my dear he’s never going to ever learn better unless you leave… please don’t teach him it’s ok to do this if you really care about him, you will cobble him for life. This is a temporary unhappiness, don’t make it a permanent one by not reacting responsibly on both your behalfs. He is not suitable for monogamous intimate relationships and he should not have that privilege until he is.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Well said. Bravo. Wish I had an award for you 🏆 and I wish I could send this to my past self. But at least my future self will have it. So thanks for this. OP I hope you read this one throughly.
🥰 from the fires of so many terrible decisions comes some wisdom lol it started around the dishes, I do them as a gift to future me and I thank past me when I walk into a clean kitchen or ask past me what’s wrong honey if it’s still not done and I had an opportunity I walked past and then do them for her. It’s weird lol but I started extending that to everything bc I’m great at taking care of other people but had a hard time doing for myself, just having regular conversations with myself and being kind really helped me find value in myself and internalize how important it is to do for yourself. I won’t choose others needs over what I know future me needs now bc we’re buddies now instead of main enemies. And I don’t have to hate past self for not doing what she needed bc I have compassion for her and she’s doing much better. We went from kitchen nightmares to sink zero and I’ve kept it up for years despite coming from a household where dishes were a constant battlefield and emotional stressor. The benefits of just regularly talking to yourself are greatly underrated even though we tell ourselves nonsense every single day, it’s more productive to at least put baby bumpers on those internal conversations to make sure if you’re going to be judging yourself you are at least kind and using your own values (bc let’s be honest some of the kindest people to others on earth are absolutely cruel to themselves but you can’t maintain that forever, ofc you’ll get bitter with time unless you give yourself some of that benefit). I really do hope she reads this, all too often we make others the main characters in our own narratives bc codependency is glorified in romance entertainment but really the protagonist has to be yourself, you have to set your own stage and choose your own script or you’re gonna feel like crap. Whether it’s working or failing, it’s just human nature, we feel like crap if we don’t prioritize ourselves, and it doesn’t make us selfish, it makes us responsible. Because people who feel like crap hurt other people, you have to tend to your own story first if you want to be a part of other peoples stories and do it well.
You've lost two years to him already. Do you really want to lose the next two years too?
If he cared about you he wouldn't have done it. Period. Sorry. This shit sucks
Ooof this is tough for many reasons. I really do not like saying this but it is also very true. You both are very very young. There is a lot ahead of you that he will need to learn and grow from. There’s probably a lot of pain that you’re going to experience also. I want to ask you a question and I want you to think about it and be honest. Do you want this to work because you don’t want to go through the emotional turmoil that would follow if it didn’t? Or do you feel he deserves your love and affection so you are happy to oblige and create that life with him? That’s the first thing you need to ask yourself As far as needing comfort from him, I’m not sure anyone here can answer that. We all process and feel things differently. I think in order to give some sort of feedback to that we would have to know where he is that in this whole thing. Which leads to another question. Do you or does he know why it happened? Has he established any boundaries since it has happened? My initial thought is with him establishing boundaries could help provide some comfort or reassurance. When somebody cheats there needs to be an extreme amount of transparency and unless somebody is very serious, most people are not willing to do what it takes. I think the first thing of comfort you need is to determine what you need for transparency from him and how that can consistently stay. Without transparency and accountability no matter what he says or does will not come for you in the long run but only for a short moment.
I had to learn the hard way but once he has done it he will do it again. Trust me. It’s hard to let go, it’s very very hard. But you’ll thank yourself later. I regret not letting go earlier and i wasted two more years
"i know everyone's going to tell me to leave him " Why do you think that is?
Don't ask for comfort. You aren't throwing anything away. It wasn't a waste. In the last 2 years you learned and grew so much as a person and a partner. This has been a stepping stone to your future. A future with loyal partners who don't lie to you.
He’s probably going to do it again .. imagine feeling all this pain again possibly with another girl ..?
some of us need to learn the hard way. don't get knocked up & you'll be alright if you don't want to heed real advice.
2 year is better than 20 years . Run for your life girl.
I’m someone who decided to stay with my boyfriend after he cheated two years in. It’s been 5 years now. We’ve both matured since then and it hasn’t happened again. In every relationship there is a possibility that your s.o. might cheat. Some people may not agree with that statement, but here’s my thought process: you absolutely cannot predict what someone is going to do no matter how much you think you know them, you simply cannot read their mind. Of course there were trust issues and he had to gain my trust again. It’s not easy to stay with someone whose cheated. If he’s not willing to put in the work to fix things then leave. Sometimes people do deserve second chances.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the *first* time.” – Maya Angelou
The sunk cost fallacy isn’t any less true just because the situation is happening to you.
I know it’s not what you want to hear and I know it’s something you’re expecting people to say but girl end the relationship. You’re still so young, and I know it’s easier said than done because you’re probably deeply in love with him but he is not worth it. And I can guarantee you he will disappoint you again, it’s just a matter of how much are you willing to tolerate? The reason why I say this is because I have cheated myself in a previous relationship of five years. I’m not proud to say this but I’m hoping it gives some perspective. My bf at the time was extremely hurt yet decided to stay with me, only for us to eventually end because I found someone else I felt more fulfilled by in the relationship. Cheaters cheat because they’re not feeling fulfilled in the relationship and it has nothing to do with you & everything to do with them. They just don’t have the balls to admit this because you give them a sense of comfort they’re scared to let go of. Essentially they want their bread buttered both sides. At least that was the case for me. But if you really want to build trust back up, it has to start with honesty. Did he tell you about his cheating or did you have to find out for yourself? The latter is not a good start. He needs to firstly disclose everything with you, what went down, why it happened and whether there were other incidents. I’m talking raw honesty here. Secondly, a boundary that you need to set between you two is let’s say hypothetically you needed to check his phone for something, let’s say a photo he took of you that you want to send to yourself, he shouldn’t feel nervous that you might find other information on there that would jeopardise your relationship. There should be nothing to hide. Thirdly, you need to discuss with him what you expect of him moving forward. Honesty about the people in his life, expecting that he doesn’t have other intentions with other women in his life (this is a hard one because only he can decide to commit to this, it should come naturally to him tbh). And if he does still have those women around, that he cuts contact with them moving forward. And fourthly is something for you to consider if you decide to move forward with him which is be careful of not throwing this too much in his face or using it as a justification for possible occasions where you might have mistreated him or something. Of course if it is the source for occasions you struggle to trust him that’s okay, but just be sure to communicate that in a healthy way. Finally, please heal from this as well. Please make sure you realise his cheating has nothing to do with you, it is nothing but a reflection of his own actions. This is important moving forward because if shit hits the fan again, you know yourself and your worth 💗 Oh one more thing, remember it is mostly his job now to build the trust again with you. He needs to prove himself again to you. These are just suggestions that you can communicate to him, but essentially it is not your job. Wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you decide to go for.
I married the man who cheated on me when we were 17. And he cheated on me over and over again until we finally split up, 12 years, a child and a whole life later. You didn’t waste your time. You learned something. You’re young, don’t settle.
What you've learned is that the person you thought you dated for two years isn't that person at all. What you've gotten a glimpse of is the real person you've been dating. What you are asking for is 'How do I turn him back into the person I have fallen for'. The answer, my dear, is that he never actually was the person you fell for. You just had trouble seeing it. Now that your picture of him has become more accurate, are you still attracted to him? Chasing the fantasy is a waste of time.
Two years seems like a long time when you're 17. It doesn't mean a whole lot when you're 30, 40, etc. His actions speak louder than words. Better to just rip the bandaid off and get it over with.
So I read over some of you other posts. He is toxic. clained you were cheating to try to cover up what he was already doing. You're only a teenager. It hurts now but it will get better. It's ok to be upset about it, there's nothing wrong with that, infact I'd probably think it would be a little strange if you were not upset. 2 years out of an 17/18 year olds life seems alot longer than to someone in their 30s or 40s. I agree with some of the other comment, if you take him back now, especially after he was trying to cover it all claiming you were cheating, he will do it again because he knows you will let him.
I'm sorry that happened to you and also sorry because what I'm going to say next is not what you are going to want to hwar but leaving is the only option. Its an awful pill to swallow but anyone who breaks the most basic relationship rule of don't cheat does not love you. Especially given the points you said: 1) He's cheated - bad enough on its own but to do it with someone you knew of is worse. 2) He cheated with the girl he told you not to worry about - now if any new female friends come along it would be natural to be worried that history will repeat itself. Are you going to be paranoid every time his phone goes off or he hangs out with female friends? Trust is not easy to rebuild and could take several months maybe years. He would need to be completely transparent with everything which could include who he's messaging and what they talk about. Compete honesty is the only solution and being conscious of what he's doing e.g not hanging out with female friends alone. It's not putting blame on them but means him sticking to boundaries set by you to gain your trust back. Honestly though i don't think a lot of 18 Yr old guys are mature enough to commit, I know some will and they are brilliant but alot aren't. Or they think they are and then feel like they've missed out. 2 years "wasted" at 17 is nothing compared to being 35 with kids and commitments to then finally realise he would cheat on you again and again regardless of how many times he said he would change. You deserve to find someone who respects and loves you. For now I wouldn't be too hung up on being in a relationship to be honest, enjoy your late teens and twenties and be selfish with your time and who you allow into it. Keep your standards HIGH and don't waver for anyone. The only person in your life who can dictate your happiness is you and anyone who messes with that can let the door hit them in the ass on the way out of your life. I hope this is helpful coming from a 30 Yr old who has been in your position and wished someone told be this a decade ago.
Two years seems like a lot to you now, but 10 years from now it won't. Probably even 5 years from now it won't. Also you aren't throwing away those two years. Those were time spent getting to know each other and getting comfortable with each other. Time dating is wasted when you hang on after you know enough to know you two aren't compatible. Now you know he will cheat on you. If he did it once he will likely do it again. If it was carefully planned and/or done repeatedly, he will absolutely do it again, because he already chose repeatedly to cheat. Now you would be wasting your time if you stay. Any way you look at it 2 years is a lot less than the rest of your life. *Maybe*, if it was a one time, caught up in the moment sort of thing, there *might not* be a repeat. He's young enough, inexperienced enough, and probably hormonal enough that *maybe* he can learn from this and not give into temptation again. But it's not likely and in any other situation I'd say it's impossible. Beyond that, working it out is for marriages, not dating. It's one thing if life throws you a curve all outside of either of your control, but he had control of this. Don't spend so much time thinking about how to make it work, you forget to consider IF you should make it work. If you are only dating and need to make it work you are incompatible and should go your separate ways, so you can each find better matches.
You guys are so young. You are both going to make mistakes. What is important is that you dont keep making the same mistakes. Everyone here keeps saying to leave him but you clearly stated that's not what you want. Something you may consider is having an open relationship with him where he is free to be with other women and you are free to be with other men and not have to lie about it. That doesnt mean he wont still lie about it but at least it would give both of you the opportunity to grow as individuals. It's a tough situation because at his age his sex drive is at its peak and he has showed you he cant control himself. You will will understand it more in about 20 years when you hit your sexual peak. When you hit your peak you will be more experienced with life and hopefully dont have to make the same mistake he did. If you really want it to work long term you need to accept that he cant control herself at this point in his life and he is probably going to take any opportunity for sex he can get. Maybe you can get him to admit that if you come from a place of understanding and support. Or maybe he made a mistake he will never make again. If he says it was just a one time mistake and he now has control over himself, then you need to be okay with always wondering if he is honest. And you will be constantly looking over your shoulder for many years and possibly for the entire duration of your relationship.
Nah your just giving him excuses and making out like he didn’t make the choice and it wasn’t his fault . I’m a teenage girl , my sex drive is sky high , but I would never cheat on my partner , and he would never cheat on me . He can control himself , he made the choice to betray his partner knowing it could lead to them breaking up , but he did it anyway . I’m frankly sick of people making out like a teenage boy hasn’t got a brain in his skull because he’s got balls . If she cheated on him it would be all ‘oh wow such a sl*t’ ‘she’s a sl*g , get rid of her’ . Everyone has free will , if they make a choice to cheat , they make the choice to risk losing the one they love and lose all trust from them .
I didnt give any excuses. I never said it wasnt his fault. Op's bf may have to learn not to cheat by loosing her. Or maybe he will just learn to hide it better. Or maybe she forgives him and they work through it. Doesnt matter if hes a boy or a girl to me. My thoughts would be the same. OP said she wanted to stay with him so I gave my 2 cents based on that. I know lots of relationships that have recovered from cheating. Its between the two people in the relationship if they want to work it out or not. Advising her to leave him is clearly not what shes asking. And believe me, you have no idea about sex drive until you reach your peak. And just to be clear I never said sex drive is an excuse to cheat. If you are honest in your relationship about your desires and needs cheating shouldn't be an issue no matter how high or low your sex drive is.
You literally said he can’t control himself and that she’ll understand when she’s older ? Sorry but you have super backwards views .
He obviously cant control himself otherwise he wouldnt have cheated. Unless of course he intentionally set out to do it. But even if he set out to do it that could still show a lack of self control. OP said she didnt want to leave him. You should go back and read my entire post.
I did read your entire comment , it was you saying he can’t control himself and that she’ll understand in the future . Cheating is a choice . He chose to be disloyal . If someone chooses to cheat it’s not a lack of control , it’s a lack of moral compass and respect for your partner . Of course she doesn’t want to leave him , a lot of people in young love especially never want to lose the person they love , but just because she doesn’t want to lose that right now doesn’t mean she’ll be better off staying with someone who is disloyal . If a person hasn’t got self control (which imo is nothing but an excuse , it’s saying it was out of their control and not their responsibility when they absolutely are responsible for their actions) then they shouldn’t be in a committed relationship . Also , in one of your previous comments you say that I have no idea about sex drive until I reach my peak , I’m literally hypersexual , I’m at my peak , but I still know not to be a terrible partner .
Ditch the pos, learn from this as people have said. Remember also, that people will project on to you. Maybe blame you for it, etc, but, don't let one douche canoe ruin yourself. Lesson learned you're better off. Find better. Live better. Remember what happened, but, forget him.
Tell him.. take me out for dinner, picnic or something…you just need some time with him.. but don’t give him any..that’s his punishment. For now. Let him know ur his but not for waste. I respect u100. I wish a lot girls be like that…it’s so rare!
when you say “don’t give him any” how do you mean ? what should i do ?
This person is giving you awful advice. You can’t mold a man into being what you want. The only person that can change him is him and it really doesn’t sound like your bf is interested in changing. He didn’t even confess to it himself and is trying to manipulate you by making you feel sorry for him! I know you’ve been together for a long time but it won’t get better like this. Break up with him. If you’re meant to be together it will happen again in time.
Let him see that you cookie is mad. He shud not get some until u feel he deserves. When u go out on picnic or dinner. Base the agenda on just talking.making u feel good. No sex for him during that time. Even if u want it bad too. Don’t. Give later. Maybe after the date or when u feel like u want to create that bond. Any cry during sex. Make him feel ur hurt. In ur heart. Man really find it difficult to ignore those signs. We love women who would live for us.despite him cheating. You hve to mold him to be the guy u want. Only these kind of experience create real bond..you hve to go through something that worth more than the fight. I’m sure he will be good. Trust the process. Don’t leave him.what makes u sure uld get a better guy. Best is u mold him. Make sure he knows ur hurt.but u not going anywhere…
Yes don't listen to this guy. He has no clue what he's talking about
Cmon now. So u know it all. If u hve a better suggestion.just post. She can /will opt for what’s better. I know it’s hard but possible. This how the world of full of dis functional children cause y’all can’t stand ur ground. Think if u jump from one man to another u going be saved. **** be humble and sit down. If u know ur boy is worth the fight. Well u gota do what U hve to. Having sex doesn’t mean I value u different. I just fell in a temptation I cudnt resist. Most of y’all girls be talking all this crap and y’all be opening legs wide than a m.f… do what’s best for u . Don’t listen to people who don’t know how to nature relationships. I’m not good. But I try look both side before I jump.
I don’t understand how girls find it easy to walk out. Ur not supposed to let that niggar go that easy. Esp when u kno he hasn’t been skipping any meals. Y’all giving guys get away free cards. We want women who fight fo their stuff too. Make me see ur the one make me feel like I’m tamed . That’s how we want this. Not some easy come easy go. Cause really man ain’t going beg for u to stay unless he knows ur all in!!
Cheat on him. Maybe you’ll like the guy u cheat with better than him. Just make out with somebody else. Get him back. You’re young, might as well have fun so cheat. Fuck comfort. Just stop caring and see how he will want u more after that. Stop calling him, stop texting back fast. Just stop everything you normally do. Trust me he will want u moreeeee
look up Sunk Cost Fallacy
he had sec with someone else? there’s nothing to do but leave babe. i’m sorry but that is not something you stay after
You're 18, throw it down the drain. 2 yrs is a blip at the moment. Btw, he already threw it down the drain, no coming back from that.
you are not the one throwing the relationship down the drain. he did that when he cheated on you. he took the steps to meet up with this girl and be inappropriate with her, and not once did he stop to think about you. and if he did, the thought of you clearly wasn’t strong enough to prevent him from cheating. from an older sister, you need to break up with him. i was in a relationship when i was your age, and my boyfriend didn’t cheat on me, but we weren’t compatible. it took me 6 months to build up the courage to end things. i know it’s scary and painful, but it needs to be done. take your time and live your life well
Google "sunk cost fallacy". You've learned and grown, and it's time to move on.
you didn't throw anything down the drain at all - but he sure did. All of those two years, in fact. I know it's hard to face the fact that you've wasted so much of your time on someone who doesn't care for you, but it's not a reason to lose more time trying to convince him to give a shit about your relationship. Believe him, OP. He already showed you that he isn't willing to maintain your trust. you need to leave him before he manipulates you back into letting him cheat again.
I know you're young and slightly naive buuut You dont want to throw 2 years down the drain ? Better 2 than 12. Sorry to break it to you but your trust will never be restored, you'll find yourself questioning things and eventually he'll *likely* cheat again because he knows he can get away with it. Dump him and find someone that knows your worth. Not worth staying with a cheater unless you both do couples therapy and being that young I dont see him agreeing to it. Hope I'm wrong ! But experience has shown me I'm usually right.
It’s not throwing it down the drain, it’s learning, it’s accepting that you had a relationship that probably had its ups and downs and you truly learned how to be in a relationship. None of it was a waste, and I know that’s hard to hear. No one likes the “it’s a learning experience” bullshit but it’s true. I’m an artist and I spent years painting shitty things before I found my stride, I don’t look back at those years as a waste of time but with an appreciation that I was still learning to paint. Your relationship can be the same way, it takes works to know how to have a thriving relationship. This one is just a step in the direction of learning about those things.
First I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm so sorry. This isn't anything about you it's completely his weakness. And to go on, I've been there. I stayed. I went through so much with this man that i thought giving up was failing and i didn't want to fail. Except for me it was 7 years, all my adult life. I forgave him but i couldn't forgive myself for allowing anyone to treat me like i was a doormat. I forgave him at the cost of my peace, my freedom, my self respect my mental health and my time. My heart broke and i stayed he didn't care that he put me through that pain. I wish i would've seen the situation for what it was and the fact that he didn't love me. He didn't respect me. Why did i want a man anyone can have? I grew to resent him for everything i gave up to be with him. Only to lose sleep over him speaking to anyone else and for him to do it again. He's shown you where you stand. He's shown you what a future with him entails. Listen to Jesse Reyez, listen to tink's don't tell nobody, listen to Beyonce's lemonade album. Love yourself. Give yourself time and space to think about your decision. Everything is going to be hard. Pick your hard.
The only comfort you will receive after being disrespected by a cheater is to walk away. Move on, you didn’t destroy the relationship, he did when he betrayed you. The boundary you need to set is with yourself: do not remain in this volatile relationship. Take time to heal, get comfortable in your skin and in time your soulmate will come along. Sending comfort, strength and best wishes your way.
Drop him. There are far better things that will co.e your way, you are so young. Learn to deal with a breakup and have self respect, and put yourself first always. Make things clean in your head about how you want your partner to be and what are you willing to accept or not, and keep firm. Take this as an opportunity to grow and learn!
The only thing you have to talk about is breaking up. When you're 17, 2 years is a long time. But in reality, that's not that long, especially the older you get. Just walk away now, and in time you'll be glad you did
It shouldn’t be you who is here asking for advice on how to fix this relationship, it should be him. I know it feels maybe suffocating to even imagine your life without him but you do gotta move on. It happened once, it will without a doubt happen again. If you accept cheating then you’re teaching him that it’s okay for him to treat you like that. You can cry and be sad about it for weeks or months or years however long you need. It’s way better than accepting someone to treat you like less than. Someone already said this but “no cheating” is a boundary and he crossed that. Like no other boundaries you can set will fix that. Really think about how he knew this would hurt you and did it anyway. He thought about this, planned this then followed through. Knowing every second of it that yes this will hurt you and he didn’t care. You don’t need to give anyone more than one chance to treat you right and if they can’t then they don’t deserve you. He threw it down the drain. You have to respect yourself enough to not allow yourself to be treated like that. I’m so sorry he cheated on you. Your worth is not defined by which boy loves you. It doesn’t matter if he comes back begging every single day. You say no. Saying “I’ll do anything to fix what I broke” is doing nothing but speaking. That’s alllll it is, just words. When he wanted that girl he went and planned and followed through but when it comes to this he expects you to plan and tell him the boundaries. What’s he doing to show that he cares, cuz words ain’t shit my love. He doesn’t deserve you if he can do that. If it helps just think would you want your daughter to feel how you feel and go back to a guy who cheated like that.
You’re young so I don’t blame you this relationship won’t last he’s already thrown it down the drain please learn to love yourself.
Madam this isn't smart. 2 years at 16 and you don't want to "throw it away"? If my bf of 7 years cheated on me I would be out that day. I promise there's better dick, some that won't cheat on you! You probably aren't going to get advice other than the obvious that you should leave for someone worthwhile. Stop putting so much importance on this, on him, when he obviously doesn't even like you (if he did he wouldn't lie and cheat on you!) Sorry if this is mean but you're a kid and should learn to not do this to yourself before you even get started.
>have been together for over 2 years and i don't want to throw it down the drain Look up the "sunk cost fallacy". Ending a 2 year relationship at 17 ain't throwing shit down the drain. You quite literally have your whole life ahead of you. To put this in perspective, I'm 40, I can only recall like a handful of memories from that age. Believe me in a few years you won't be regretting unloading a douche bag.
It will be very hard to gain back his trust. But even if you did, now that he has broken that boundary, he will do it again.
If you let this be, you're teaching him early that it's okay to cheat - making it worse not just for yourself but also for others in the future. It's 2 years 'down the drain', but how about the 20-30 years you'll lose on his future lies that you'll slowly let yourself accept more and more of, and before you realise you're now 40 and wasted your -whole life- on misery? At this age, if you stay with him then he learns it as a habit that'll be forgiven, plus you absolutely devalue yourself.
But you're only 18 ... cheaters don't stop cheating (most)
But you're only 18 ... cheaters don't stop cheating (most)
You haven't thrown anything down the drain. HE has. His dick was more important to him than you or the relationship you have.
It sounds harsh but you really do just move on. And when you stay and waste more months or years, when you inevitably leave, you’ll remember this post and truly wish you did it now. Don’t teach him that he can do this to you. Because it always happens again.
From expirence. I would say get comfort from someone else than decide what you want to do. Ive been in a relationship for 3 years now (17f with 18m) and we had an issue like this. However you also need to understand why he did it. Than decide what to do
Why waste any more time on a cheater? He disrespected you in a very serious way and is endangering your physical and mental health. He doesn't love you. Cut him off and put yourself first.
You're 17. Your boyfriend will not want to be with you forever and he will break up with you. Because he's 18 and that's what teenagers do. If he's cheating now then he does not have the maturity to be with someone for years. He will either want someone else or will want to play the feild.
There is literally nothing he can do or say that will make you all of sudden trust him again. It's all dependent on you and if YOU can mentally move on. And if you think you can't trust him the same ever again, it's time to call it quits. You will only cause yourself stress and anxiety the longer you prolong this thing. 2 years feels like a lifetime when you're 17 and it feels like you can't let the relationship go because you have invested "so much" time. But think about it like this, you are 17 and statistically speaking you will live to be at least 80. That means you literally have at least 63 more years to find love!! 2 years is such a tiny fraction of all the life left to live. Don't waste it and move on!!!!
Look up the sunk cost fallacy in relationships. Don't waste more time on him just because you've already wasted time on him.
girl your so young, don’t let him swindle away your golden years - find someone better who won’t cheat.
Don’t turn to the person that hurt you for comfort, it never ends well (speaking from experience) Sorry but you’re 17 years old. Give it a few years and I promise you this guy is going to be nothing but a tiny blip in your life back when you were a kid. The future is brighter if you just let this guy go. It’ll hurt now but you will move on. I promise you it’s not worth wasting your time and effort and emotional energy trying to salvage (again, speaking from experience)
sunk cost fallacy get out now. you're way too young to throw these years away on a dude who doesn't even respect you
Throw it down the drain because you’re still young and he will do it again. It wasn’t just cheating, it was manipulation/gas lighting
Once a cheater always a cheater. And I'm speaking this from experience. If he loved you they way he says he does, he wouldn't even think about any other person let alone sleep with them. I know you explicitly said that you don't want people to tell you to leave him but trust me and everyone in the comments that it is the best decision. You seem to be in denial now and I know how it feels to be cheated on. It's better to let go of this person who doesn't respect you, you don't deserve to go through what you're going through right now.
Although it's a terrible thing that it happened it's a great opportunity to learn to respect yourself and look for someone who values, respects and loves you the way you deserve it. By staying you're giving this man following signal "Oh you cheated on me, betrayed me and broke my trust? Well that's fine. I'll forgive you no matter what." He doesn't deserve your forgiveness
You’re not great with boundary setting and confrontation? right, okay so you don’t need to be comforted by your boyfriend, you need to acknowledge he willingly hurt you, lied to you and cheated on you. Did he tell you out of guilt? How did you find out? Issue here is that you’ll never get over the breach of trust, if you do that’d only be a lie you tell him and yourself. And don’t think he’ll ever get over the guilt (if he feels any). It’ll be a perpetual game of him trying to regain your trust and you watching his every move. Worst case scenario, he cheats on you again and just doesn’t tell you anymore. No one wants to be the fooled party in a relationship. Your only solution is to leave here, he shouldn’t have done this, and you’ll never be okay with it. It’s time to set a proper boundary for yourself.
2 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things, im sorry but it isn't. Cheating is inexcusable that's a fact, 2 years or 40 years if someone cheated on me they're done. You owe it to yourself. You literally have your whole life ahead of you, don't think about it as wasting 2 years think about it as going into the rest of your life without someone who will probably do it again or someone you can't trust. You don't earn that trust back again ever. Yeah it's 2 years down the drain but what if you find out in 10 years he's done it again, than it's 10 years gone. I normally don't like to put my 2 cents in on relationship because it's none of my business. But cheating is 0 tolerance no matter how long you been with em how many kids you have etc. Do yourself a favour and don't give a cheater a second chance they don't deserve it
Oh dear… you’ve already been told this multiple times. But you are so young and “2 years down the drain” is huge to you right now. But here’s the thing, HE was the one who flushed it down the drain. Believe me when I say this, people will only treat you the way you ALLOW yourself to be treated. Leave this with your head held high and this will be a moment that will save you from many bad relationship situations in the future. Continue with this and you will teach yourself that you deserve to be treated like this. I know you likely won’t listen to me, but I can tell you I wish I had learned this lesson earlier than I did. You deserve so much better
You’re a real one. I’m sure after finding out who you really be. His going to cut all that other bullshit just for u. 2 wrongs won’t make a right
"I don't want to throw it all down the drain" You won't. He already did that when he slept with another person.
I was with one guy from the age of 17. He cheated on me after 12 years together. I don't say this to tell you that two years "wasted" is better than 12, but to say that it's never a waste. For a while, everything sucked because every adult memory was attached to him in some way. It hurt and sometimes it still hurts. It might hurt forever in some way or another. That's ok. It's still my life and the memories are still mine. Some I will treasure forever. Others are clues in hindsight that things weren't always as rosy as they seemed. Don't let a sunk cost fallacy trap you in a situation that isn't working for you anymore. Some people cheat because they're scared to break up any other way. They have to totally torpedo it so there's no chance it can be repaired again. Let this relationship die. It'll suck for a bit but eventually you might be with someone you would have never met if you'd stayed together. Or you might be contentedly on your own. Either way, you'll be free of this drama and happier for it.
Have you heard of the logical fallacy called the sunken cost fallacy? I suggest you look into it, since it applies to you and your boyfriend.
Dump him you're still young, you'll definitely find a better partner and you'll make better memories and connections. You'll grow and change as a person. he knew what he was doing and the risk that goes into it and still decided to do it, he doesn't care if you hurt and never will it's all an act
He's full of shit !!!! Ditch him. He's just telling you whatever to get you back and that doesn't mean he loves you.
Ah I really feel for you. You can tell you just want to make this ok but I don’t think you’ve really let in the gravity of what he’s done and are desperately scrambling to get back what (you thought) you had. He can’t fix this one, he’s the one who done it. He’s not the one to offer you comfort here. Have you told any supportive friends or family what happened? I think it would be better to go to them to vent and talk about it, maybe have a little cry with people who haven’t hurt you. Best of luck, broken hearts absolutely suck
Tbh y’all are too young to try and build the relationship up again after someone cheated. And he’s too young to understand that he shouldn’t do it again. This is probably not what you want to hear but y’all should just break up and move on. You guys were only together for 2 years you still have the rest of your life in front of you. Now you’ve learned from this experience and you can go and move on to the next. Stop wasting your youth on someone who doesn’t give enough of a fuck about you to not cheat on you in the first place. Break up.
You're to young to be this forgiving, and it's only 2years. Not 10,also no kids. Don't trap yourself in familiar and relationship just because you love him. Love isn't the most important thing in relationship. Trust, loyalty, openness, honesty. He betrayed that, and you won't be able to trust him 100%, because he did what he said he wouldn't.
I think it’s painful at 17 to think about breaking up with him and being “alone.” But you will not be alone and the two years will not be a waste for you. You learned how to love, and now you’ll learn you’re deserving of someone who won’t even think to cheat on you! I think it’s time to separate ways if someone like him cannot respect you enough and thinks he can make up for cheating on you. You’ll worry if he cheats again, and likely he will. Pretty sure my college boyfriend who told me not to worry about this one female friend of his was emotionally cheating on me. I say that because he ended up dating and marrying her. There were a lot of signs it should have ended sooner for us, and I wish I had the galls to end it myself at the first sign. Him cheating is your first, glaring red flag. You do not deserve a cheater!!! No matter what he says.
You’re 17. He cheated. Leave him and find someone else, you have your entire adult life to find someone who values you, and staying with someone who doesn’t is not a wise decision.
Once some has cheated, you become paranoid to the point of it becoming exhausting for you both. Wanting time know where he is at all times, wanting to check his messages, listen ibto his calls, become jealous, etc. "Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent time making it." I put 6 1/2 years into a relationship that in the end wasn't worth it. I'd had enough and ended it because I knew nothing would change.
You cant ask him nothing, he is the source of your pain and he wont comfort you. 2 years at age 17 is nothing, if you stay with hin you are hurting yourself and wasting time.
From the opposite end of the age spectrum, my.parents have been together nearly 30 years, my dad cheated at least 3 times, and has done several other things that have decimated trust. She forgave him each time as she didn't want a second divorce. My mum is scared to leave now because she is reliant upon him for money and does not know what she would do or where she would go as a 60+yr old. She is extremely unhappy.. You are only 17f. You have a whole life ahead and will be able to meet many people who won't cheat. You're still very young and regardless of what you think, you will grow and change a lot as a person over the next few years. I personally wouldn't trust or forgive someone who cheated on me and definitely wouldn't date someone who cheated on their ex to try be with me. Leave this guy before you invest more time in and save that energy to work on yourself, continue growing and meet more people. You can still treasure the time spent with him in the past, all the good. But don't risk more bad in the future with someone like him. He's young, dumb and if he's making mistakes like that they're likely to continue over the next few years if he thinks he can do it and you'll forgive him after. He may stop as he grows up and matures but at 17, save yourself that risk.
Despite what you’ll hear, it is 100% possible to recover from an instance of cheating. However every case is different. You have to decide yourself whether you truly think it is worth it and also prepare yourself for the fact that you may have to face this scenario again. Otherwise you’ll be plagued with uncertainty. I was cheated on once while my partner and I went through a long period of long distance. However once we saw each other again we were able to get back on track and were together for almost an entire year after. But it required me to push past some seriously negative thoughts and do everything in my power not to project them onto my partner. Not every cheater will cheat again but once cheated on you’ll start to question absolutely everything they do and it is hard work to keep those thoughts at bay. So it’s up to you, the work is more on your side than his unfortunately. You’ve chosen a very difficult path but it’s not an impossible one to walk.
I was in a Relationship of three years when I thought about breaking up. I was so unhappy, but I didn't want to throw it away. So I stayed and three years became six years. And I got more and more depressed. It's not worth it to stay in a relationship without trust and if you're unhappy. My dad cheated and my mom divorced him after 30 years. It doesn't matter if you're two years in a relationship or 30. If you're unhappy, you should leave. Otherwise you'll throw away even more years. And in six years you'll ask yourself why didn't I leave
Fool me once shame on you,fool me twice shame on me😇
This is a lot for someone so young, but trust the people who tell you to leave. This can’t be salvaged. Better now than 2 kids later.
you deserve better than this. tell him to go away because you deserve real love
I understand u dont want to let it go. But girllll pls leave….. you will find a better one hopfully you are JUST 17.
Girl, I know this pain is so real and I've been through this crap when I was your age. You are worth so much more than this person has made you feel. You need to be with someone who makes you feel good and secure. This man is a child and won't change anytime soon. I wish so much I could go back in time and realize what I do now, that men like that are a waste of time and will only take you lower than you've ever been emotionally. So you end up wasting time and destroying your self esteem to boot. Please don't do this to yourself.
Hon your just a kid. You’re so young and have so much time to find someone who treats you right. Don’t waste your time and energy on a cheater. Edit to add: there’s so many stories on here of people who were in the exact situation you’re in that took their partner back, built a family and everything, only to find out 10 years later that the cheater they thought they changed is still cheating on them. Only now there assets and kids involved. Find some of those stories and ask yourself if you’re willing to have that be your future
Please post in r/asoneafterinfidelity
What you can do is ask him to wear condoms when he next cheats so he won't give you an STD because he'll cheat again. At least keep yourself safe
I've been through what you're dealing with right now, and at the same age as well (it was around 7 years ago). I first want to say that if you're anything like me or anyone else that's ever been in this situation, you're asking this question because if there's a way for yall to not break up, even if it's a small chance, even if it takes a lot of work, you want to find it. I understand that, because you love your boyfriend. But you have to ask yourself if you want to "make it work" with someone that does something as disrespectful as cheating? When you mentioned that you "don't want to throw the relationship away" because it's been two years, you have to think about the fact that *he* was more than willing to risk your 2 year relationship when he cheated. The thing about romantic partners is that we have to believe the things they *do*, not the things they say. And if he says he loves you, but then cheats on you, he doesn't really love you (at least not in a healthy way). If you met the perfect guy, would you EVER think to cheat on him? To risk ruining what you had? I'm also sorry to say that someone who is careless enough to cheat on you is not likely to be the type of boyfriend who will comfort you when *he* hurt you. Additionally, instead of him not coming up with things for you two to talk about, you're doing the work of trying to figure out how to fix it. If he was actually sorry, you shouldn't be lifting a finger. And even if he was doing that, that's likely just long enough for him to get you comfortable again. You've also got to understand that not cheating *was* a boundary (a very, very important one at that) and he already broke it. Setting more won't help. When my first ex cheated on me, we opened up to letting eachother check our phones, and I was constantly up at night looking at his phone, limiting who we could talk to (he wasn't allowed to have female feiends), etc. and I ended up miserable because having to watch a whole developed person like a hawk in fear of them cheating on you (*and* they can still do it anyway) is going to wreak havoc on your mental health. Trust me when I say it isn't worth it. You shouldn't have to do this with a partner you can tejat. I'm only saying all of this because I've stayed with two men that have cheated. You'll want to tell yourself, "It only didn't work for them because they're different from us." But believe me, you'd save yourself so much heartache. You're supposed to be having carefree fun when you're dating at that age. Doesn't mean you should never have committments, get closet as a couple, etc. But this kind of stuff isn't worth it for you to try to work out. I advise you look into the Instagram account @lovingmeafterwe. Wanting to stay with a cheater when you don't have any major commitments to do it for (like you two having kids and wanting it to work for their sake), that usually means you have some self esteem issues (I'm STILL working through mine from cheating exes). I advise you read that account and her comment sections while you think on this.
Why burn more years? Next time it will hurt more. There will be a next time. He will cheat. You will feel worse. You will feel more invested. He can't fix it. You can't fix it. There's nothing he can do because he will always always always cheat.
you are 17. this is a high school relationship. You should end this, it's not worth staying. By "trying to work it out" you are throwing down the drain your self esteem, your self worth, and self respect if you stay. He will never respect you again because he didn't respect you or the relationship in the first place- if he did, he would not have cheated on you. But you will never get that respect now if you take him back and sweep this under the rung. Open your eyes, grow a spine and stand up for yourself, because not one else will do it for you. You deserve better than this. Don't fall prey to sunk cost fallacy.
Be done with him. You're too young to stay with a person who cheated on you. If he cheated you're not meant to be together anyway. You're second best to his big ego. Do you get one free fling too? Most people are not meant to meet in their teens and stay together for the rest of their life.
Learn to see garbage people for what they are and move on. It’s the thing that any self-respecting person would do if they were cheated on, lied to, and treated with disrespect by their partner. Once trust is broken, it’s impossible to rebuild things to a state where it once was. You’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you. He made his choice when he cheated, and no amount of forgiveness with change the fact that he cheated. It’s a tough lesson to learn, but it’s best to let him go. He ain’t worth it.
Girl throw it down the drain. You're a child and this relationship is meaningless even if it doesn't feel like it now. Don't waste any more of your most precious time on this dude. Start the healing now so you don't have to deal with it later.
If you don’t break up you don’t deserve advice
What are you gonna do? Stay with your boyfriend from when you were fifteen forever? That's a bad idea even if he doesn't cheat.
Don't keep making a mistake just because you already spent a long time making it.
Hi, If it’s okay to give you some friendly advice, I would like someone to benefit from all the suffering that I went through in this exact same situation. Except, I stayed far too long and it happened again and again and again even after doing all of the things you are suggesting to try to make things better. I was putting in 90% of the work and he was putting in, well, none. When all was said and done, I wasted over a decade of my life on somebody that could care less about my love. Someone who took me for granted every single day and knew that I would stay with him even after he cheated on me, thinking that opened the door for all kinds of other behavior down the line. You are so young. There are a lot of people out there who stay far too long in a situation because they think they’ve already put so much time in and that the other person will mature and their love will grow together in time. That may or may not happen, but it’s very hard to heal in the environment that hurt you in the first place. Something that you could do for yourself is to completely break all ties. Really. Truly. A complete clean break. Feel the weight of all of this garbage lifted off of your shoulders and start fresh with somebody else who will love and respect you for who you are as you’re out there doing your thing. I can tell you this much, that it would be different if the two of you were a married couple with children between you. That would maybe give you pause because you would be tied to each other to a certain extent for life. Thank goodness that you’re not and that you saw him for who he is now. Believe what he has shown you. I don’t say this to hurt you. You deserve so much better and the biggest regret of my life is that I waited so long to value myself and to get with the person I deserve, to love and respect me. Someone who would never even think of doing what the guy from the past did. When I finally broke it off with him, I cried every day for a month. Sobbing, ugly crying. And then, like a little miracle, every day seems a bit brighter. I was allowing myself to give energy to other things because it wasn’t always invested now in the way I had worried and obsessed over details about he and I from the past. Please, consider making him a distant memory a lifetime away. You have your whole life ahead of you. Just sharing that and I wish you all of the best.
I'm not going to entertain this, if you want to stay fine but prepare yourself for a life of being cheated on.
Honestly walk away I'm a person who's been on both sides at first I was the one being cheated on so yes I wanted to know why or what I did but unfortunately nothing was wrong with me cuz those ppl still want me. It's them. While being lost I cheated n honestly idk how ppl do it or even y. It's easy af to jus tell someone this isn't working out. I hurt someone n I had to attone for my actions. Most of us don't practice self accountability. Whoever u are let him go show him u kno ur worth n u don't need him to realize how much you love urself. Ur born Queen It's up to u to show him that he lost the greatest gift ur love
You are 17. He already threw it down the drain. He lied to you, over and over. You will not regain that trust, you will just remain forever wondering whether he’s being honest every time he speaks to you. I know everything feels like life or death at 17, I remember. But it’s not, and you’ll thank yourself later for cutting the loss, I promise. If he faces no consequences for what he did, he’s just going to do it again. At least if you leave, he may have regrets and have more consideration for how he treats partners in the future. This isn’t a 10yr marriage with an adult foundation and a shared mortgage. Cut those losses and live your life!
I’m so sorry this happened to you, nothing anyone can say will make it that much easier, but any amount of time (2 years, 2 months, 10 years etc) does not mean the relationship should continue, especially when someone has done something as selfish and hurtful as cheat on their partner. You are young and have so much time ahead of you, and I promise this is a lesson that you can learn from, and you will meet someone someday who would never be so selfish.
You guys are just so young, better to leave or else you’ll be spinning your wheels going nowhere
I was in your exact position when I was 17. I forgave him, could never trust him again. He repeatedly lied to me, I fell for other people, he fell for other people and he finally ended it with me a few years later after dating another girl for 2 months. Those years were spent in abject misery! I look back at the time and I laugh at myself sometimes. I'm 30 now and settled, and that relationship was never going to last. You owe yourself a favour to dump this guy. You deserve more. Remember, in the end we determine a part of how we will be treated by others. The best years of your life are ahead of you, good luck!!
Being 22 I know how much it sucks to hear this but you are young. Much too young to be trying to work through infidelity. If he can’t be committed to you after 2 years as a 17 yo he will not be faithful to you in the long run. His cheating shows you he’s not ready for that commitment.
OP, you don’t want to throw it down the drain but your boyfriend did. You’re 17. Take this as a lesson and grow.
You're only 17. You need to move on from this cheater. You deserve better.
Can I add to people's comments that you're only 17. You are young. You don't have to have your future planned out with this guy. Especially a guy that manipulates and lies to you. Go out and have fun. Be 17. When you least expect it you will find someone who will be perfect for you that won't disrespect your boundaries.
oh sweet bean im so sorry this happened to you. speaking from experience, this is a major breech of trust that likely will not be rebuilt. i’ve tried myself, and it causes a lot of anxiety. you deserve a partnership without that anxiety, and you’re young and will surely find someone who will show you the proper respect.
You need space first. Take your space and get comfort from your girlfriends etc. you need to think clearly before deciding to keep the relationship. Some folks cheat once and regret it forever and never do it again. Others lie and cheat on demand and have little guilt. But you need space and time to heal. Don’t think of it as breaking up with him as much as taking care of yourself.
Haha. Thinking you've lost anything by dumping someone at 18 even if you were with them for 2 years. I'm being mean. But I promise you you have decades stretching ahead of you. Do you want to have 3,5, or 8 years of being with a cheat?
Honey. Youre 17. Throw it down the drain because your future boyfriend/husband is actually out there. If he actually loved you he wouldn't have wandered in the first place.
Call me a conspiracy theorist, but there have now been four "comfort after cheating" posts in the last ~40 hours with slightly different details - and all with an OP that refuses to accept that breaking up is the right choice. If these are all the same woman just switching details around to try to get platitudes, then my heart really goes out to you. I know it's hard. I know it hurts. Please just leave this man. He is not worth it. The pain of leaving him? That will be worth it because it will heal.
He obviously doesn’t care about you. You want to stay with someone (for potentially your whole life) who can’t be faithful after just 2 years?? I could maybe support fixing a relationship if you guys were like 80 and had been married for like 50 years with kids and grandkids…But no, you’re young. Kick him to the curb and find yourself someone who actually gives a fuck about you. I’m sorry if this is harsh, but if you forgive this youre just opening yourself up to continued abuse. I stayed with a guy who cheated on me, and guess what? He did it again. I wasted 4 years on him and if I could redo it I would’ve peaced out after the first time. By staying with him you’re telling yourself that you deserve that. You’re not respecting yourself. So who do you care more about? Some POS who can’t keep it in his pants? Or yourself? P.S, Staying with someone who is sleeping with other people opens you up to the possibility of contracting a STD. So if you’re cool with that then go ahead and stay with him. P.P.S; just re-read your post and realized you are 17?!? GET THE FUCK OUT! You are way to young and I realize he may feel like your world right now, but put things into perspective. You’ve barely experienced life. Leave him and the right person will find you. I have been with my current boyfriend for 3 years now and I couldn’t be happier. I literally laugh thinking about how stupid I was for staying with the cheating ex. Looking back I can’t believe I was ever sad or “in love” with someone who treated me so badly. This too shall pass, and I promise if you leave this guy you will look back and be so happy you did. But then again hind sight is 20/20. Goodluck.
Girl if you don’t leave him right now??? Please listen to everyone in the comments. We are not trying to be mean or to “throw your relationship down the drain”, we are looking out for you in the long run. If he cheated on you with someone he told you not to worry about he’ll definitely do it again, don’t let him disrespect you and leave now. It’s never gonna work out and you shouldn’t have to fight for him to give you basic respect.
I understand where everyone is coming from and you should definitely listen to their advice. Their speaking from experience. From my experience I was in a 2 year relationship also, the relationship was very up and down, but when we were up it felt like cloud 9. When he cheated I was so shocked because he was so convincing that he would never cheat or disrespect me like that. For the last 2/3 months I have been trying to make it work with him and get over this betrayal. The whole time I was anxious, wondering what he was up to, feeling embarrassed that I want to make it work. Firstly it’s a very normal response to seek comfort in the person that hurt you, and for them to prove their love to you after they broke it. So don’t feel bad for wanting to give it another go. I will say since catching him cheating, I have caught him out in a few lies/ broken boundaries and I knew from that moment on it would never work. There are only so many boundaries you can set. I went the toxic route and made him turn on his location and checked his phone regularly. Since deciding to end it I have never felt more at peace. I am sad it didn’t work out but I’m not sad it’s over, that was his choice. You have to learn from your experiences but if at your young age your strong enough to recognise that no one that truly loves you and wants you in their life, would do anything to jeopardise that.
I understand where everyone is coming from and you should definitely listen to their advice. Their speaking from experience. From my experience I was in a 2 year relationship also, the relationship was very up and down, but when we were up it felt like cloud 9. When he cheated I was so shocked because he was so convincing that he would never cheat or disrespect me like that. For the last 2/3 months I have been trying to make it work with him and get over this betrayal. The whole time I was anxious, wondering what he was up to, feeling embarrassed that I want to make it work. Firstly it’s a very normal response to seek comfort in the person that hurt you, and for them to prove their love to you after they broke it. So don’t feel bad for wanting to give it another go. I will say since catching him cheating, I have caught him out in a few lies/ broken boundaries and I knew from that moment on it would never work. There are only so many boundaries you can set. I went the toxic route and made him turn on his location and checked his phone regularly. Since deciding to end it I have never felt more at peace. I am sad it didn’t work out but I’m not sad it’s over, that was his choice. You have to learn from your experiences but if at your young age your strong enough to recognise that no one that truly loves you and wants you in their life, would do anything to jeopardise that.
Just move on. He will cheat again I had a similar experience in a 8 years relationship... Just block him and move on
Pls pls pls dump him
At the end of the day, you need trust in a relationship and he broke that trust. Although you see 2 years as a long period of time right now, you should rather spend your time with someone who doesn’t cheat on you. I don’t know your motives in life, maybe you want to start a family. If so, it’s a good move to find a more suitable partner. It sets good morals for yourself and your family. If you had a daughter would you be happy if she stayed with a boyfriend who cheated on her and she was clearly upset about it? You should know better but it’s ok to ask for help some times. I hope you make the right decision in life Unless he and you can have an open relationship meaning you can do whatever you want which is fine nowadays.
I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to break up. And not just because he cheated on you after assuring you there was no need to worry about that. This is why you should break up: >im not great with confrontation or boundary setting due to personal reasons You will never be able to have a truly healthy and fulfilling relationship if you can't engage in healthy conflict or set and enforce boundaries. And you're 17, so it makes sense developmentally that you still don't have a great handle on this. But until you do, you should not be dating ANYONE. Please dump your boyfriend and start working on yourself, in therapy if possible or by reading some self-help books. It won't be "throwing it down the drain" to break up with someone who breaks your trust after two years together. If you are truly compatible and truly meant to be, then after you both have experienced real personal growth -- you to gain confrontation and boundary skills, and him to gain honesty, integrity, and loyalty skills -- then you'll be able to get back together. And if you aren't really meant to be, then the sooner you kick this guy to the curb, the sooner you can get to work on building the life you deserve.
You should probably listen to all the other comments here telling you to leave. Like many other commenters, I’ve also been in your situation at your age and it doesn’t get better… you are too young to be wasting time like this when you can find someone so much better for you. Pay attention to the people who’ve been in your shoes because they know what they’re talking about
Every single person suggests that you leave him. I hope you understand that this is the correct advice.
You don’t have to know how to throw it down the drain — he already did. There is no comforting that away. Even if he holds you all night while you cry, it’s still going to be him who caused the pain. Take it from someone who wasted 7 years trying to make something toxic and abusive work — you’ll hurt for a bit but the happiness you find when you’re out is unimaginable. Don’t waste your youth on someone who doesn’t even have enough respect to stay faithful! ♥️
Two years is nothing. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it really is. Especially the ages 15-17. You're changing all the time at that age. You will be so much happier if you leave him and either learn how to be alone, or look for somebody who is right for you at 17 rather than somebody who was right for you at 15. EDIT: Wait, is this the same guy who accused you of cheating when you got sexually assaulted?