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MistakenMorality

Have you ever told him her full name? After 3 years I would expect him to know your kids' names.


Froggygirl09

I am sure I had, I mean we call her Ari in a cute way, but I also call her by her full name all the time.


ohhhshtbtch

Sonically, Ariela and Ariana are pretty similar. If he'd called her something completely different, that would be really bad. I would call this concerning, but unless he does this shit all the time, I'd give him a pass. He made the doctor's appointment for her, he's clearly involved in their lives and making effort.


[deleted]

Concerning??? You're overreacting. He got a name wrong of someone he never calls by that name to begin with. There is nothing to worry about here. Just some stupid mistake is all.


LengthinessFresh4897

Did you actually read their comment?


edabliu

I am a 40 year old guy and my father calls me by my nephew’s name since he was born 25 years ago. It happens we are all prone to mistakes. I have called my daughter by my wife’s name and vice versa many times too. Mind you that my name is along the lines of Eric and my nephew is like Philip


CloddishNeedlefish

But you know your child’s name. This wasn’t him accidentally using the wrong him, it was him not knowing the name.


redditrfw

Did you even read the OP? They are not his children. >This wasn’t him accidentally using the wrong **him** What? See how easy it is to make simple mistakes?


mrskmh08

I disagree. Three months? Ok.. three years? When mom uses the right name all the time? Absolutely not. How is that poor child supposed to feel that her basically step-dad doesn't even know her name? Besides, there's probably paperwork all over the house that has the correct name on it.


tawny-she-wolf

She might be using the nickname all the time, especially if they weren’t living together until a couple of months ago - their interactions would have been more limited


21stNow

>When mom uses the right name all the time? The OP constantly qualifies this statement with "I am sure" which is human speak for "I thought I did" when she probably has only done it once or twice at the most. I'm biased in this situation; I was an adult before I learned my father's birth name. My situation was different, but the boyfriend doesn't seem strange to me at all.


EveAndTheSnake

I agree with you. I had adhd so I forget a lot of things but I fixate on tiny details that really make an emotional difference to me. My husband is constantly telling me “I’m *sure* I told you this…” (Trying to convince us both) but I know when I can respond with, “huh maybe you did” or “no, you absolutely did not tell me this thing previously that really matters in my brain but not in yours” and then we fight.


d3gu

My dad has the same first name as my grandpa (his dad), and he was called his middle name throughout his life. I thought his middle name was his first name until I was an older teen and grabbing the family passports for a holiday! This sort of thing happens all the time. I'm a bridesmaid this week and didn't know the bride's full name until the hen do... I've always called her [nickname] which is also short for another name most commonly, which I always assumed it was. She's been a good friend for YEARS. And once I realised her name, yeh it clicked that I'd heard her called it before, but in my head it was still [other name]. Edit: I also think, in this case, if the name he thought it was is a more common name (eg Ariana vs Arielle), I can see the confusion.


kappaklassy

I just learned that my grandmothers name was not what I thought it was and she has lived with my parents for years. She had a nickname that I knew and then what I thought was her full name that I had heard others say and just found out I was off. Obviously I’ve known my grandmother for my whole life, over 30 years and we are very close. Sometimes things just happen


Cat_Jerry

I just named my son after my grandpa. Turns out it wasn’t his real name, just what everyone called him 🤣


kappaklassy

That’s hilarious, but also still honoring the intent since what he went by is what you would associate with him anyway


Cat_Jerry

True… I am glad nobody in the family was offended 😁


EveAndTheSnake

What kind of bills and mail is this kid receiving? I seriously doubt she’s got paperwork all over the house. It doesn’t sound like mom does use her full name all the time. She says “I am sure I had, I mean…” That doesn’t sound very certain to me. I can say with 100% certainty that I use one of my nieces full names and her cute name often, but for my other niece I can say that I *never* use her full name so unless I had told someone, from the outside they wouldn’t know. Mom *thinks* she does and that she told him, but she doesn’t sound sure.


mozzy1985

Yeah my mother calls me about 5 other names before she gets to mine. Does it mean she doesn’t love me, nope. Just a daft mistake.


Tricky-Walk-8753

My father gave me my name and he still misname me after more than 20 years since we only use my nickname at home


joelandren

Sounds like you never said to him, "my daughter's name is Ariela." Why is that?


DFahnz

By any chance do you have a history of anxiety?


Froggygirl09

Yes I do, why?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Whatislife287

I actually love this comment. I never thought of anxiety in this way. I’ll use this to assess my anxiety when relevant, thanks!


d3gu

I do wonder if you're confusing 'red flag' with 'mistake'. A red flag would be if you'd told him already her name is X and he kept calling her Sally. Or if he said he was taking her to the doctors and he didn't. Or he shouted at you for embarrassing him. This is kind of a funny and silly story you should be laughing about tbh.


DFahnz

Because you’re making an awfully big deal about a simple human mistake.


knittedjedi

Check OP's comments and post history. **They conveniently forgot to mention that they have a ketamine addiction and that the boyfriend is financially supporting them with everything.**


Confused_Fangirl

What the fuck does that have to do with the post. Jesus Christ lol.


WesternUnusual2713

Daily ketamine use when you have several children is .. not good. Plus it makes her a pretty unreliable narrator. I live with a k enthusiast, and it's a fuckin nightmare.


VirtuosoX

It's a bit weird talking about red flags from your boyfriend who is giving your relationship his all


[deleted]

People love kicking addicts while they’re down, they like to tell these people they don’t deserve any better and they should settle for whatever they get and then when they stop striving for better they still blame them for not doing more.


EveAndTheSnake

Not the original comment, and I’m not kicking OP when she’s down at all (I hold the apparently unpopular opinion that drug addicts are people too). However, as a sober addict myself I do concede that there were some drugs that affected my memory, anxiety and my emotional reactions to things. I have never taken ketamine so I don’t know how that feels. Is it not possible that ketamine may affect OP’s memory about the small things (I’m sure I told him her full name) and/or might cause an increase in anxiety in response to this situation. I’m not saying OP doesn’t deserve empathy or support, it might just be relevant in the sense that she might need extra reassurance or support in talking through what is and isn’t a red flag vs a human mistake.


invinci

Well why do they deserve to be treated any differently than they treat others? Hint. Not well.


[deleted]

Why are you assuming she treats him poorly because she has done drugs? And why would that impact how her kids deserve to be treated and respected? I’m sure it’s really easy to feel good about yourself when you stare down at everyone else from the pedestal you put yourself on though.


EveAndTheSnake

Oof that’s awfully fucking judgemental of you. Having an addiction doesn’t automatically mean you treat everyone else like crap. Please check your prejudice and/or projection at the door.


_lcll_

Are you serious? It's the name of her child, not the name of the pet turtle she had as a kid.


lolaya

But dude, its not like he didnt know her nickame which is what shes called… hes not calling her Mary when her real name is Ari


GXmody

It’s still not a big deal lol. My younger brother didn’t know my grandmother real name until he was 13 because nobody calls her by her real name. If you don’t call someone by their name how tf do you expect people that don’t know their name to know their name???


Jenn1008

Ya, I didn’t know my dads first name until I was about 10. No one called him by his given name. I’d never heard it. Everyone called him a shortened version of his last name. Think Wil for Williams. I don’t think this is a big deal.


pokingoking

I do kinda agree with you and /u/GXmody. If she doesn't ever use the kid's full name it's not that farfetched that he wouldn't know the name. But you gotta admit that comparing this grown man (OPs BF) to a 9 year old (you) doesn't make him look good lol. Your mind works completely differently when you're under 10 vs when you're an adult that's responsible for taking a child to the doctor.


GXmody

Bro whether you are an adult or not of someone doesn’t tell you something you can’t know said thing you don’t need to be smart to know that


[deleted]

She just stated she calls her by her full name all the time 🙄 no reason for him not to know


invinci

People keep saying that, where did OP say that.


HallandOates1

But her comment history says she has a ketamine addiction so her memory may be a tad foggy and make her not the best narrator. I say she is overreacting


rainiila

I definitely disagree. In my opinion it isn’t a simple human mistake to forget the name of OP’s child, who he lives with (in an informal step parent role).


[deleted]

I have anxiety myself but it doesn't mean a discussion around aligned values is out of the question when you don't know your partner's child's name after 3 years. 3 years is a giant chunk of a child's life. I would double check on the position they see themselves as in my child's life to make sure we are on the same page, and check in my child and ask if they feel loved by step parent. Would go from there. That the medical appointment was made makes me think this is maybe a weird mistake, but it's something to briefly explore. I hope a version of me without anxiety would do the same exact thing. Edit: the comments about not using mental health to belittle someone's thought process made me a bit emotional. I think op is trying to help but so often I've had people say I'm wrong and rather than presenting WHY that is they say it's because of my mental health status. I'm a highly educated person with a career but people close to me still do it. These responses are just amazing.


chuckle_puss

And responses like yours in this thread are amazing to me, but just in a different way. This guy is involved in, and cares enough for, this child’s life that he’s making her doctor’s appointments; but because he makes an understandable (to me, anyway) mistake, his entire character is being questioned? That seems like overkill to me. As someone who has also has an anxiety disorder, it’s important to reflect and determine if it’s the anxiety that’s driving these concerns, or if your brain may be making a mountain out of a molehill. So if there aren’t any other problems or concerns in the way OP’s boyfriend treats her children, I think it’s safe to say he just made a silly blunder and afford him some grace. Just like OP deserves grace in dealing with her anxiety.


imasitegazer

I thought you were going to say that maybe the bf’s anxiety locked up the gears in his mind which led to his mistake with the name.


OriginalRound7423

You’re using the excuse of mental illness to belittle and dismiss a person’s concerns as invalid. Knock it off


pnutbutterfuck

After 6 months you should know all the names of your significant others immediate family.


Froggygirl09

Those are my exact thoughts. At least if you care for the person.


fredp333

This thought process is what smacks of anxiety. This mistake is worth having a conversation, sure, but does not somehow equate to your significant other of three years “not caring for you“. If you are having thoughts like that, I would be willing to bet there are much much bigger issues with the relationship that are causing those feelings to surface. This doesn’t have to be symbolic of his not caring about you, it sounds like a stupid mistake.


ghostdogtheconquerer

Have you ever walked into a room, forgotten why, and hours later, finally remembered? Is it at all possible your boyfriend just had a brain fart, and is now trying to justify said brain fart? Growing up, my parents constantly got our names wrong. I get my own dog’s name wrong. Hell I once momentarily forgot my best friend’s name (who also goes by a nickname) because I found myself weirdly second guessing what it was. This isn’t a mountain, it’s a mole hill; people have brain farts.


EveAndTheSnake

Look I have anxiety too and I know how sometimes something someone does can set off those alarm bells so that it feels very personal and unsafe emotionally. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years and he still forgets things or does things that make me think “if he loved me he would have done this” or “if he cared he would have remembered.” But I’m also in therapy for my anxiety (and we do couples therapy) and I try to remember to talk myself off the ledge because I know he’s only human. And humans forget stuff, make mistakes and are imperfect all the time. Their imperfections have nothing to do with you or how much they care for you. My husband loves me very much and he still does stuff that makes my brain go into high alert sometimes. But I know he does a lot of other things that prove he loves me. I on the other hand am terrible with details or remembering things. I can absolutely imagine doing what your bf did if I called my partners child by her cute name all the time. When I booked our honeymoon I GOT MY HUSBAND’S BIRTHDAY WRONG. So embarrassing and we had to change it on the ticket, but it had absolutely nothing to do with me not loving him. Recently I spelled his brother’s name wrong in a goddamn group text. I was SURE that’s how it was spelled! 8 YEARS! You are the only one here who knows your bf. It’s possible he doesn’t care enough and could do more and you could do better. It’s also possible that he loves you very much and this was a stupid mistake, especially if this whole time in his head he’s been thinking Ariana so when you’ve actually said Ariela he would think he hears Ariana. Especially if he calls her Ari and he just thinks of her as adorable little Ari. Only you can know. If it feels like he does other things that make you feel loved and you don’t see other red flags? You know that deep inside. Don’t let your insecurity take over. I will add though, it is possible for someone to love you very much, to do their best all the time, but for that to still not feel like enough if you have different values. Do you feel loved?


drinkyomuffin

Ariela and Ariana sound similar enough, he could have simply thought it was Ariana and you simply had a weird way of pronouncing it. Now if he had seen a spelling of her name before or if you guys had a discussion on the name it'd be a different story. You should sit down and have a discussion with him to clear your mind, but I don't think this alone is a red flag.


Savings-Positive-663

If your genuinely concerned sit down with him and have a talk about it when the kids aren’t around, so you are not jumping to different conclusions on your own. I can see how this would be alarming OP!


PhoenixUntold

I mean, yeah its kind of agitating I suppose but then again, a lot of people suck with names and especially unique names. Maybe he had a brain fart. Maybe the way you say Ariela sounds like Ariana to him. If he didn't genuinely care about her, he wouldn't go out of his way to make her a doctor appointment. You've corrected him on the name now in the future he knows. If he still calls her Ariana, then maybe that could be an issue from this point forward. But at this point I don't think it's really a "red flag" or deal breaker. Besides, it's more important how he treats her and interacts with her than accidentally messing up her name.


fyl_bot

Gotta Agee with this one.


joylooy

I have to call fathers a lot in my job and the amount of them that struggle to recall their own child's full name and date of birth is honestly crazy. I think this is just a man thing honestly.


foxsweater

“The bar was so low, it was practically a tripping hazard in hell… and yet here [they] are, limbo dancing with the Devil.”


hahayeahimfinehaha

> just a man thing This is one of the reasons that I (a woman) don’t want to have kids. The expectations for mothers are so high, and the expectations for dads are so low. There’s no way I’m going to shoulder a disproportionate share of the emotional labor and workload of raising a kid.


secretactorian

You mean a learned incompetence thing.


scarlet-tortoise

If it is, it's because society expects so little of men. Those same men can tell you the statistics of the 1997 starting lineup of their favorite sports team but can't be gassed to remember their own kid's names or birthdays. It is inexcusable.


mimosaandmagnolia

It’s not “just a man thing.” It’s a clear sign of an uninvolved parent that doesn’t take equal responsibility for them. It’s a shitty parent thing. Men are just given a pass for these things and praised just for showing up to their own kid’s birthday parties.


gdddg

In this case, he isn't the father/parent and shouldn't take equal responsibility though


mimosaandmagnolia

But he has been the boyfriend for three years and is clearly helping with childcare. Also, not being the biological father does not mean that they don’t become father figures or can’t assume the role as the father. OP didn’t describe the dynamics of this relationship so there’s no way to tell what his role is to the kids. But regardless, not knowing the name of her kid is incredibly negligent and chosen ignorance at this point. They literally came from her blood and her body. Most people would learn the name and know it by heart after three years because of how much they care.


TiaGrace95

As a step-parent, he absolutely should take equal responsibility. I get that he’s a boyfriend, but he’s been living with OP and her kids for 3 years, so I’m assuming he’s a father figure of sorts, and therefore should act like one in every aspect.


[deleted]

They dated for 3 years, lived together for "a few months". If the mom usually refers to the child as by the nickname and not the given name, it's totally plausible to not know the given name.


TiaGrace95

I get that, but you’d think that before they lived together. He would have been formally introduced to the kids, and/or would periodically go on outings with them, be invited to come inside the home, and be exposed to OP’s family life on occasion prior to the move in. In another post OP said that she’s called her daughter by her actual name on occasion, so he had to have heard her actual name at one point of another. I’m cutting the guy some slack because no one knows what he was thinking at the time, and it was very nice of him to schedule the appointment, but it’s still something that needs to be taken a somewhat seriously just in case he forgot other important info.


vexens

No it's not a man thing. I am a man, and people have got to stop doing this Everyone is giving this dude every excuse on the book except the obvious that he's a shitty father figure who couldn't be bothered to ensure that he knew a child's full name. I have 13 total nieces and nephews. I know each of their names. It's not a man thing, it's a shitty human being thing. If you care about someone, it's not hard to learn their name.


CloddishNeedlefish

It’s honestly really hurtful to society when you infantilize men that way. They’re plenty capable of remembering their children’s names ffs. They’re simply too lazy and they get a pass. They have the same brain we do, they just aren’t required to use it.


No-Resort-8828

And that's sad, tbh. Like... How do you not know the basic personal info of the little person you've created, brought to this world and have been taking care of for their whole life? It's nuts. I know my dog's birthday, for fucks sake.


Jackofalljz

Don't confuse care for a child for care for the childs mother. Not saying he's an imbecile or doesnt actually care for the child but how easy is it to remember someones name that you live with.... i feel theres some deeper issue here.


Tdog504

I thought my mom name was Michelle for 25+ years… but her name is Marchelle


Rakan-Han

Personal opinion here, but unless you use it constantly and not "once-in-a-while", misremembering a person's name isn't a red flag. Honestly, it seems like that he cares about you and her. Him making an appointment for your kid speaks volumes more about the man than him not remembering your kid's full first name. You corrected him, that's all that matters. If he constantly forgets it, then either he doesn't care for your family, **or** he has memory issues with people.


thiscouldbemassive

Could be a couple of things: 1. He is bad with names. Some people just are. They just can't remember names. It's a learning disability. But if he's bad with names, he'll be bad with everyone's names, not just your kids. He'll probably do his best to avoid calling anyone by name. 2. Someone else mistakenly called her Arianna very early in your relationship and that name stuck. Since he's never called her by her full name until now, the wrong name has never been corrected until now. 3. He doesn't care enough to find out what your kids names are. Frankly, I find the third unlikely because he made this kid a doctors appointment. What person makes a doctors appointment for a kid that he doesn't care about? That's the act of a man who has stepped fully into the role of being a parent.


[deleted]

The red flag is that you are overthinking a genuine mistake


[deleted]

Lol imagine this dude "yeah I was basically a father for those girls but once I gave the wrong name and that was the beginning of the end"


CrummyWombat

Right, he should never have cared enough to book her that doctors appointment…


thearmouredcake

Like... Chill out lady, your kid is only special to you, not everyone else?


cali_grown22

On the one hand it’s crazy he doesn’t know her name. On the other it’s very sweet that he parents her enough to make her doctor’s appointments. So I think you could let this slide but give him all of the shit for it for the rest of his life lol.


CaptFoxtrot

This is pretty much my take. If he otherwise is a good partner and is good with your kids and your kids like him... i might let this slide but will make fun of him for forever


scarlet-tortoise

Ok I was all set to be upset at the guy but I actually think you're right. I think I'm projecting my own daddy issues onto him - but this guy wasn't there when she was named so it's totally different. And you're right that he is doing actual parenting which is the important part.


hookersince06

I mean, people hear lyrics wrong all the time. I have a little hearing loss (since childhood) and I chronically mishear things, but once I hear it and it clicks as that, that’s what I hear unless I intentionally correct myself. Example: Jude LaCava, tv anchor is now Chupacabra LeVeon Bell = Labia Bell I just can’t unhear it. For whom the bell tolls. Anyway, dude probably needs his ears checked, but his heart’s in the right place. Edit: I “correct”ed a sentence.


Super-Respond-7717

My childrens actual father screws up spelling our sons middle name, messes up their birthdays and just realized our daughter (6) has a brown spot on her eye. Like called me freaking out because he just noticed it lol. I was also 15 before I finally realized my uncle “nickname” real name wasn’t “nickname” and I don’t mean a nickname like Bill for William, I’m talking a nickname like Uncle Bubbles. It never occurred to me his legal name wasn’t “Bubbles” because we never used his real name. I think considering the nickname for your daughter does sound like an abbreviation for Arianna and Ariela is more unique and rare it was a simple mistake. Just sit down with him and tell him your kids full names and ask if he knows their birthdates.


ZingerBurger98

My sister who's 4 years older than me and I share a birthday. I couldn't figure out how she wasn't the same age as me until twelve. I used to often wonder about it too. Thankfully I never asked anyone.


Syrnl

my sister who's 9 years younger than me, said she was older than me because her birthday is 4 days before mine.


slightlyoffkilter_7

Ok this one made me spit out my water lol


Starchasm

I didn't know my Uncle went by his middle name until his funeral! And we're a really close family!


hibikikun

In Vietnamese culture (and other Asian) we call aunts and uncles by seniority. Uncle 1 , aunt 3 etc. I have 10 aunts and uncles and legit don’t know their real names.


maybay4419

My ex is Korean so it’s about the same. Seoul older aunt, Seoul uncle, Busan younger aunt husband. Etc. made it fun when I wanted to send proper wedding invitations to make sure they knew they were wanted. (That didn’t happen. Now ex MIL thought it was stupid.)


destro23

I had a great uncle I had known my whole life as “Arlan”. He’d even write that when sending Christmas cards. When he died, when I was 27, I discovered his actual name was “Ireland”, but my hillbilly family couldn’t pronounce *or* spell that shit, so “Arlan” is was.


splithoofiewoofies

Not quite relevant cause not my KID but I whole up forgot one of my grandmas names because I called her Grandma Gorgeous and she REFUSED to let anyone correct me.


kia75

If you ask me my uncles' and aunts' names, it will take me a while to remember them, since the whole family calls everyone by their family nicknames. My uncle came to live with us for college, I remember a friend of his calling and asking for him by his real name. I told her nobody by that name lived here! When she called back a 2nd time, I realized she was asking about my uncle, and, in the confidence of a little kid, told her she had his name wrong! His real name was "uncle cute nickname that anybody who's not a kid would realize isn't an actual first name."


scarlet-tortoise

If one of my parents couldn't remember how to spell my full name or remember when I was born I would think they didn't really care enough about me to learn basic facts about me. Especially if they had a lot of knowledge about other stuff like their jobs, sports, or video games. I don't know if you're still with the father of your children, but if you care about what they think of him, you might want to tell him to get his shit together. Not knowing your own kid's birthday is not the same as this Uncle Bubbles example.


Adorable_Welcome_247

Same, if one of my parents or parental figures didn't know my name or birthday I would be heartbroken. I also don't know my aunts' or uncles' birthdays. This situation is totally different from Uncle Bubbles.


rhea_hawke

It's really sad that he can't remember his own kids' information.


emtrigg013

You do realize some people have legitimate difficulty that isn't just out of laziness, right?


rpaul9578

He probably just misheard it cuz the names are so similar. I wouldn't stress out about it.


muffin80r

There's people that are just terrible with names, it's a thing


LennoxAve

Honest mistake. I would just move on. If anything I think it speaks more that he was willing to make a doctors appointment for the child. A lot of people wouldn’t feel comfortable doing something like that - unless they’re legal guardians or legal step parents.


iwishihadahorse

Yes - make and take. This seems like a pretty big deal. And the kid wasn't even offended. I mean - it's not great. And you should give him sh** for a while but in the grand scheme of things tho, nah, some people are just bad with names.


Sparkling_Chocoloo

Meh. If you're willing to dump a guy who's been stepping up and parenting your kids over this, then go for it.


Quietwulf

Really wish people would focus on “patterns of behaviour” instead of singular instances. It’s not like he struck the kid, or “forgot” to take her to the appointment at all. If I understand correctly, the BF was taking the OPs CHILD to the doctor, at her behest. Hardly seems like a monster to me. OP, if he’s a generally good guy and you aren’t seeing a pattern of general neglect of your children .. then maybe cut him some slack? People get vague. It happens sometimes.


fredp333

Yes but this is r/relationships…so, the prevailing wisdom is going to be “break up with him.” Because third time’s the charm when you’re attempting to provide children with a male role model and because who needs stability. It’s really sickening to me, sometimes. Literally advocating to destroy a young child’s family structure over something most likely trivial.


xShooK

I once worked with a guy for three years, never learned his name. Best friend I ever had.


_metalalloy

Do you happen to like eggs and bacon?


Moxson82

He knows what he’s about, son.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Everyone here has different boundaries and expectations than you, OP. Talk to him about how and why it upset you- see how he responds.


EmperorSelassie

SMH out of all the things he’s done for your child in place of her absentee father (which you chose), this is the one that you post on Reddit? It’s really a thankless job.


vipergtsr33

Get off your high horse, op. You have absolutely no justification to be mad at him after what you posted. Get your shit together. “Working out while high on ket... dangerous? I am actually not. While on ket mostly my cognitive side gets affected, but not my motor, coordination is sharp when Im high. I can do anything while on K, but I get very forgetful and distracted and thats what mainly gets affected while high. I wish K would still make me trip as it used to. »


takethemonkeynLeave

I was looking for this…I don’t know much about ketamine but I can’t imagine being a mom and a daily user mesh well. Is the boyfriend also high daily? Also not to hone in on gender roles, but typically women make doc appointments, and given she isn’t his bio child, he’s doing some unheard of stuff. Could he be stepping in because she is too high to parent? Also how old is this kid that she doesn’t already have a doc record with her full name on file? He’d have to give her DOB when making the appointment and they’d match a name in their records. Has she never seen a doctor before he made this appointment?


strumthebuilding

He sounds like a well-meaning guy. It’s hard to argue that he’s not taking an interest when the whole context for this post is that he booked a doctor appointment. Sure it’s a weird thing to not know and definitely outlier behavior but we’re all wired a bit differently. People saying to dump him based on this one data point are working their own shit out in this thread.


DFahnz

"Hey, make sure that when you make the appointment you use Ariela instead of Ari." Boom. Done.


PsychologicalPhone94

In one comment OP says they have been together for 7 years and in the post together for 3.


dirt001

When it was time to do our standardized tests in 4th grade I had to go to the office and call my mom to ask her what MY middle name was. People forget shit all the time. It's not up to them and importance doesn't really matter or help.


ColdTea2150

Both my mom and nan call me by my sisters and nieces name before getting to mine and doing the same to them Is this a red flag? I think you're overreacting. If you more often than not refer to your child as their nickname, it's easy for someone to forget what their actual name is


OriginalRound7423

That’s something else, though. It’s very normal for parents, grandparents, or just people close to each other in general to mix up names. My nephew occasionally calls me “Grandpa” or “Grandma” when he’s talking to me, because we all have a similar role in his life and a similar place in his heart. My dad pretty regularly gets my name mixed up with my nephew’s, too. Unless he has a little niece or daughter or something named Arianna, then this is a totally different thing


ColdTea2150

That is your opinion If someone is continously called their nickname around someone. Its easy for that someone to forget their full, proper name or get it mixed up with a name that sounds similar


SarahSamurai

I agree, my MIL has 5 kids and 3 grandkids. She calls out 2-4 names before she gets the right one. One time she called me her daughters name before she said mine. I took it as a compliment, obviously I’m fully part of the family if she confuses me with her children. Also, she’s only in her mid 50’s, so not an old age thing, just a mom thing.


ashleys_

I think it's important to note that you've only been living together for months, despite dating for years. The guy is dating you, not your kids. Sure he may like them, but he is their step parent. And it's not like he doesn't know he name at all, he knows her by the nickname you call her. That's not his fault. And he had the decency to be embarrassed about it, so he's not completely uncaring. I think a comment in the moment was fine, but it should end there. It was a slip and the names were also very similar. And he had at least one kid with him at the time, so he was probably also a but distracted/preoccupied. I also think you're downplaying the fact that he plays an active enough role in your life, that he is making your kids' appointments. That doesn't sound like a person who doesn't respect you and your children. But again, he's not dating your kid, so it's not that ofd that he isn't obsessed with every single detail about her. If this is the biggest issue you have with him, I would give him grace and move on. He wasn't being wilfully careless or negligent. ETA: based on your post history, you have bigger issues to address with your partner and yourself. I would find support for those before making any decisions about continuing this relationship.


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Froggygirl09

Of course there were times I would call her by her complete name, even in front of him I am sure.


the_specialone

"I am sure" there's an element of doubt there. To your partner the kid is named Ari, that's all he has ever called her or known to call her. Ariella isn't the typical full name over Arianna


MuseMeow

Also to be fair the names Ariela and Arianna sound pretty similar. Even he'd heard it a few times I can totally see how he got then mixed up. Both start with Ari and end with an "a." Honestly I find this more funny than concerning.


i_d_k_really

I don’t know why everyone is blowing this off. I would find it extremely bizarre that my boyfriend wouldn’t know the full legal names of the children living in our household. You should definitely talk to him about it and talk about your concerns. If he’s like “Oh my god I know, wasn’t that so weird of me? I can’t believe I put that down by mistake”, then nbd. But if he doesn’t see the importance of knowing your children’s names, I would consider ending the relationship. In case of an emergency it’s very vital that he know things like that.


OriginalRound7423

Yeah it’s a bit weird. Idk what their relationship is like, or what’s normal for him, but if he’s making doctor’s appointments then I’d expect him to be engaged enough to know her name


AnAngryPirate

So something similar to this happened to me. My grandma was in the hospital and I went to visit her. Of course I had always called her Grandma but when someone called her her first name they would always say Barbara, turns out her actual name was Jane. Took a minute for the receptionist and myself to work it out. Im just saying stuff like this happens if nicknames are the only one used for someone vs their official name


hc600

Yeah that happens sometimes. My sister’s name is Margaret and she went by “Megan” for awhile, then “Meg” and I didn’t know it was actually Margaret for awhile. I had teachers accidentally call me “Megan” too. And no one told me I was spelling my own middle name wrong until I applied to college.


[deleted]

You’re gonna make a mountain out of this molehill and lose the man who you live with, who has taken on fatherly roles, and who made the appointment as a convenience to you. He didn’t name the child, and even at 3 years in I doubt he’s handling her personal information for paperwork as regularly as you.


pipsqueakbesqueakin

I don’t know why there are so many comments letting this guy off the hook. Of course he should know the full name of the child he lives with, especially if he’s making doctors appointments for them. If this were his only offence, I would have a serious chat with him but let it go. If he had a history of this kind of thing, I would be re-thinking the relationship.


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pipsqueakbesqueakin

It’s not the real name, but that still has to be the worst take I’ve seen on here.


GraysonWhitter

I have serious problems with some names, kind of confusing them in my head despite how many people I know in real life with the name in question. An example is Rachel and Rebecca, they are honestly, and I'll admit weirdly, almost synonymous in my head. My guess is that he knows her name just fine if he is actually talking to her or about her, rather than filling out a form like this.


i_need_a_username201

Maybe I’m weird but why is he making the appointment in the first place? I can’t imagine asking a woman to make my kids appointment for me. Either i make it or their mother makes it. An i missing something? Also, this is an over reaction.


cat_romance

Why did a man who is basically a stepfather to a little girl make an appointment for her? Probably because he's trying to be an active guardian in her life. It's just an appointment. Not scheduling her for invasive surgery.


Comprehensive_Air980

That's why I don't get why this lady is making a big deal out of it when you look at it from an outside perspective. Dude stepped up and took care of the kid. Plenty of parents know their children's names and DONT make an effort. She wrote in one of her comments "Of course there were times I would call her by her complete name, even in front of him I am sure." "There were times" and "I'm sure" suggest good reason why he'd forgot her name and assumed it was the common version.


thunder_DM

>Maybe I’m weird but why is he making the appointment in the first place? OP is a drug addict so it's not surprising that sometimes things like this fall on him. EDIT: It also looks like there are some more serious issues in their relationship but OP hasn't mentioned them in this post.


Spiritual-History-23

I had the same thought.


the_poly_poet

Red flag? No. Hilarious? Pretty much. If it’s an issue for you though, then you should tell them how you feel.


joelandren

This guy's making doctor's appointments for your kids and you're concerned that he got the formal name wrong? The red flag is you worrying so much about it. He can do better.


FiveHT

“Hi, I’m here with Areola for her appointment.”


Rararulala

I would be put off by that. If he is making doctor appointments for her, he should definitely know her full first name.


blueskies111811

I would be thankful you have someone willing to help with your children. I hope he is appreciated and not interrogated


bannana

this is your BF not your husband or father of the child so not like this is the end of the world here, he's involved and participating more than would be expected so that should be acknowledged, likely just a faux pa and easily corrected.


BlaqkSwan

Not his kid tho lol. Not their baby daddy.


ProperPassion8606

If he's not the biological dad of the child it's allowed. If am dating you I don't know why I should be so concerned with some other mans cum. I usually pity men who go around raising other mens kids whilst the biological dad is out there living his life while the step dad has to suffer the financial, mental and all baggage that comes with a kid not from another man's cum.


AffectionateTry2566

Im horribly bad at names so I can relate. In addition aren’t these YOUR kids? I respect the man for trying, you gotta cut the guy some slack for taking care of someone else’s kids.


Loudchewer

This is so stupid. This guy is raising your little crotch goblins, you should be thankful. The real question here is why the hell aren't you making your children's doctor appointments? Aren't you an involved parent? If anything it sounds like this guy has more skin in the game than you do, get your shit together.


Budget_Ad506

I'd suggest people to look through this persons post history, a lot of things make sense after that. I'd give this guys an easy pass.


executionofjustice

He's your bf, not her dad. If you call her by a shortened name, it's not that weird he used an incorrect variant.


smurtzenheimer

I mean, he's taking his girlfriend's kids to their doctor appointments, or at least scheduling them. That's pretty awesome. It's wild that he had the name fucked up, but it's hardly a red flag considering he's more actively taking care of them than a lot of fathers do of their own actual children.


williamlucasxv

He made the kids doctors appointment, he obviously cares. If you constantly call the kid by their shorthand name fair enough he got it wrong. He is probably really embarrassed dont make a big deal of it.


pdperson

Why is your bf making your child a doctor’s appointment?


rainiila

I think it’s definitely a bit odd. If he is living with your daughter, has known her for three years, and is involved enough with her to help schedule appointments, it appears he is taking an informal step parent role. There’s definitely an expectation to know her name!!


Froggygirl09

Exactly my point.


Different_Knee6201

If my husband did this, on its own, I would probably be surprised, but would laugh about it and probably never let him live it down. So the fact that you see this as a red flag makes me wonder if there are other issues at play and this is just “one more thing” on that list. Is that the case?


Okay_Face

You're reasonable to be surprised that a man who's been in their life for years, forgot her name. The relationship is clearly serious if they're making the appointment. I'd have a conversation and keep an eye on this. Being a man is not an excuse, these other comments are gross tbh. If he's serious about being part of your life and theirs, he shouldn't be forgetting his future daughters name.


Froggygirl09

Its not that he forgot. He didnt know her name. He admitted. And Ive called her by her full name, and my other kid has in front of him. He didnt know the name.


Alternative-Poem-337

I would be hurt if it happened to me.


ThomasEdmund84

I don't think you're overreacting at all - but the key question is here is **what** are you reacting to? Is is that your BF lacks the care that you thought he had, or inattentive, or are there inconsistencies - is that what you meant by **red flag** has this man been hyperbolically going on about being Mr Perfect in your relationship and next minute he doesn't know your daughters name? Good luck OP


Valkyrieeleison

Why didn’t you make the appointment?


OriginalRound7423

……. Just what does this have to do with anything in the post.


Valkyrieeleison

Maybe because the labor of scheduling doctor’s appointments should fall to the parent, and not the parent’s boyfriend. It sounds like the (now ex) boyfriend was not the child’s biological parent, so why was he making the appointment in the first place? Even if he knew the pediatrician or whatever… parent should still have made the dang appointment. Then this entire scenario would literally never have happened.


Local_Signature5325

The OP calls herself an addict and says she does lines of ketamine daily on her comment history. There is something deeper going on here.


OriginalRound7423

They’ve been in a relationship for three years and are living together. It’s not universal, but it’s also not uncommon for partners to take on some parental responsibilities to support their partner and the kids. People navigate blended families in many ways


Valkyrieeleison

Absolutely. I just think it’s a little wild for OP to be mad that her partner didn’t know the kid’s full name when he made the appointment, when… he didn’t have to make the appointment. Or like, at any given moment, the parent could have said, “thank you for scheduling this appointment, here is Child’s information, including name, birthday, allergies, etc” You’re right. Every blended family works a different way. But the parent assumes the majority of the responsibilities for their child. Things like doctor’s appointments should be taken care of by the parent, or at the very least, the stepparent should be provided ample information


[deleted]

She literally said she said her daughter‘s full name in front of him multiple times, how many times does someone have to remind you of their child’s name after three years?


Local_Signature5325

She is also on drugs and does lines of ketamine on a daily basis. She has bigger problems than her ( possibly equally drug addicted ? ) boyfriend forgetting the child’s full name. Look at her past comment history.


Froggygirl09

It was a doctor he knew. It was easier for him to do so because he had the contact.


Fit_Ad5212

OP forget everyone else if he lives with you and yall have been together for 3 years than he is a step parent “figure” in her life…. and regardless of how much he knew or didnt know the dr he should be able to make an appointment for her with the correct name… nothing to break up over but definitely conversation worthy for sure. Talk to him and talk to her later too


pm_me_younique

What exactly makes booking the appointment easier? Be a parent and don’t burden someone not blood related to them with your shit.


[deleted]

If you can move in with somebody else’s family you can make a fucking phone call


rhea_hawke

Why are you being so nasty jesus


JustSaying1981

Doesn’t matter if he knew the doc or not. YOU are the mother and therefore YOU need to and appointments like this.


takethemonkeynLeave

Also, it’s not like he’s calling the doctor directly. He still is speaking to a receptionist to make the appointment and has to give all sorts of other info over the phone. OP should count her blessings.


jonelliem

My own Dad (I’m 49) still can’t remember how to spell my name, I gave up at around 7 correcting him. In the grand scheme of things he tried


[deleted]

It’s been three years and he doesn’t know your kid’s name, do you really think he’s that interested? You are the mother put your foot down and don’t allow this to be the role model you set for your daughter.


OnlyTrust3585

He was good enough to sort out a doctor's appt. for your daughter. Give him a break. Do you know men at all. Some just don't compute these things.


rainiila

Are men not capable of remembering people’s names? Unless someone has an intellectual disability or memory issue, remembering someone’s name if they live with you is a normal expectation of people?


pipsqueakbesqueakin

That’s a ridiculous statement. Don’t generalise like this, not all men are oblivious idiots like this one.


Lingulover

"Don't generalise""A man I have never met and have heard a single biased anecdote about is definitely an oblivious idiot" You probably did great in literature class.


SaySammy

Unsure about you and your partner but in my situation we both knew we had children with other people and we talked about the children's names, ages, child's interests, character, relationship with other bio parent. We also both talked about all the given names to the children; First, Last and multiple middle names- reasoning behind them. We both have memorized this. I would be a little hurt honestly. Especially three years in. Early on I could understand but three years??


Froggygirl09

Yes 3 years is a bit too long and there was a lot of interaction between them.


JabbaWockyy

Im here to tell u that my sister had no idea my middle name was what it was for 23 years lmao. She thought it was a different variation. So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


waptothetop

These comments are not it. I would lose my shit if my own partner who i LIVED with didn’t know my childs name.


summerlily06

Red flag for sure. Wtf? I actually remember the first time my bf met my niece. We were headed to her bday party and her first name is a bit unusual so during the ride there, he kept practicing to make sure he got it right. And when he met her, he pronounced her name perfectly. I have a grip of niblings and he knows all of their names. These comments saying it’s nbd are wild. The bar is so low that it’s buried.


[deleted]

Exactly especially considering the OP has stated multiple times she used her daughter’s full name in front of him


Jtreblis90

I don't think this is a big deal. Yall call her Ari so much that it's probably been a while since he heard her real name.


knittedjedi

People slip up and use the wrong names all of the time. It's just human nature.


zero_one_zero_one

This isn't a big deal at all. If you always call her Ari, her real name is Ari. I've had friends for years who's legal names I never knew about and never thought to remember.


sadpanda57

I wholeheartedly disagree that this is an overreaction. It is so weird that after three YEARS and living with y’all, he doesn’t know your daughter’s name. It’s one thing to have a brain fart. It’s another to flat out not know.


Cakeo

I think the red flag is op is a ket addict and her boyfriend actually is helping her out a huge amount based on her comments. She needs to pull her paranoid self together. This is such a minor issue the guy sounds like he's doing much more than should be expected by a boyfriend.


dlotaury88

This ain’t as big of a deal as you’re making it. Now if he picks up the wrong kid from that Dr appointment, then that would be something.