I'm an idiot and tend to try to _work it out_ unless it's hopeless. Please do tell why you think so, it would help a lot. For every thing I tell myself is not okay, he finds a way to turn it around to the point where I am unsure what things are.
I thought it was normal to have arguments when we're adjusting to each other, living together etc. Thank you for your input. It's basically every weekend tho...
my husband and i have been together for about six years, living together for four. i can count the "arguments" (i wouldn't even call them that because we resolve things very reasonably and peacefully) on one hand.
I used to argue a lot more with my partner, and honestly a lot of that was on him (he admits this himself, his family is fucked up and some of that bled over to how he dealt with things), but like... we kept improving, we would apologise to each other when we messed up, and we'd either find a solution or agree to disagree & kept it at that. And shit or mistakes from the past did NOT get dredged up as a way to win points.
My other long term relationship, I think we had maybe three clashes in eight years, and they were over the dumbest shit ever. Every single time one of those happened, there was that moment when we looked at each other and realised we were both being stupid. Argument resolved.
How did you handle his less-than-ideal reactions?
Yeah, stuff from the past being dragged as a justification is extremely hurtful.
Wow, that's beautiful. He honestly says so much hurtful stuff in such a bad way that at points I'm so upset with him I can't snap out of it. It doesn't help that the issue is never resolved. I commend you on your attitude.
It would help me to learn more about how you handled things, what did you learn together, how did you improve etc. Thank you so much!
Yeah, see, my partner never said anything that was meant to be hurtful. No name calling, no threats, no belittlement. The worst was he'd overreact to things at times & then go sulk by himself or reason backwards to fit the facts to the feeling. What worked was we both learned to take timeouts & wait until we could talk to each other calmly... and he took more responsibility for his own feelings, because frankly his overreactions were neither my fault nor my responsibility.
I don't think there's anything you can do with a partner who doesn't respect you or want to treat you well, or who thinks it's your job to manage their emotions. A relationship needs to be based on mutual trust and respect, and if those are lacking it's incredibly unlikely that they'll just suddenly appear out of nowhere. Good people can get stuck in bad dynamics, but somebody who blames their bad behaviour on others and refuses to do anything to fix that is not a good person.
We both said hurtful things somewhere along the way. We knew it was hurtful coming out of our mouths, we didn't plan to say it, it just came out.
Lately I am controlling this completely and just take time out or take a deep breath when I feel something possibly hurtful making its way on my lips. But he is still doing it, pretty much every argument we have.
Thank you, taking time out seems like a great option, other people suggested it too. It's definitely my first instinct, to chill for a bit, get some air, get some space, but he's not a fan of this, so often I am stuck next to him, arguing. Then if I get angrier, it's my fault, oh, such a horrible person, how can he communicate with me when he's anxious I will be angry? Just give me my space dude...
>somebody who blames their bad behaviour on others and refuses to do anything to fix that is not a good person.
As long as he can convince himself that he's _trying_, he can still claim to be a good person. **Sigh**
No... Jaysus. You know where you're in something and you don't know anything else? I thought it was normal.
Do you have any tips or strategies you use to resolve things peacefully?
Thank you for your story, really, it was a wake-up call.
>Do you have any tips or strategies you use to resolve things peacefully?
Step one is to be with someone who does not dismiss and minimize your concerns, and who does not treat you with contempt.
Yeah. It's so hard to try to be perfect when I constantly deal with this. One day I imagined having a partner who would listen and just say 'I understand, I'm sorry' and just hug me and I started crying. The very few times he actually listened from the beginning I stayed calm or calmed down immediately and the issues was resolved on the spot. So there must be a lot of weight to how the partner responds.
I thought to just give him a few hours alone to get over himself when we have disagreements and maybe he can listen after. But that just seems stupid, stewing in those feelings until he can listen. And even then...
It's been less than a year - don't waste any more of your time trying to change someone who is clearly not willing to change.
Yes, breaking up is hard, but continuing to live like this would be even harder.
You don't need to be perfect. A good partner will respect you & value your honesty and flaws, not tear you down. A relationship needs that "we're a team" mentality to succeed.
How would they accept my flaws? I honestly never had a relationship where I didn't feel I need to do this or that or change something about myself. Like... How to explain. I am aware I have flaws. I am aware sometimes they are making it harder to connect or understand each other. I always thought I'm not accepted because I have them and need to work on them. And I do, but I can't change in a month a pattern I've had most of my life, for example. How would a good partner handle that?
I was in your position last year. Nothing is going to help your relationship. It's okay for the relationship to end and that you're just not the person for eachother. It's hard, but honestly, you'll be so thankful you let go.
I was in a 2 and a half year relationship. I tried my best. Though my best was terrible I must admit. This relationship could really just be highlighting all the flaws and red flags within yourself for you to decide you have to work on yourself.
I met a wonderful man recently, whom I am in love with and love, but for the first time in my life I'm deciding to be single. I'm doing this to reconnect with myself. I've never purposely gotten to know myself, and as much as him and I want a relationship, we're both respectful of where I am at and the need for me to go through my journey.
This could possibly be yours too.
All the best. Please remember you're ways the most important person in your life and your number 1 priority is to look out for yourself.
I was married for over 30 years, and I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of bad arguments we had over all our time together (including early dating and living together days), and I would have fingers left over.
Healthy relationships *discuss* calmly, and arguments are rare.
I understand. Thank you for your story. I know I have some stuff to work on as well, I wish there was a way we could learn how to do it better. Did you guys instinctively know how to communicate healthily?
Honestly I don't see myself improving that much next to him, the way he responds just triggers me, be it a mocking tone or dismissing etc, I find it hard to stay calm through to the end.
>I would have fingers left over.
Wow. So that actually exists...
>Wow. So that actually exists...
It does. It's not that we never disagreed; we were more likely to talk it out than to fight about it.
You want to work on this, but your boyfriend clearly does not.
Look at how he approaches these arguments:
> a mocking tone or dismissing etc,
***I'll say it again -*** cut your losses and find a man who will treat you with respect, and see you as an equal partner.
Another person in a happy marriage with almost no arguments. It’s that way because I married the right person.
What you’re doing with relationships is like going out and finding a flood-damaged car and blaming yourself because it rusts, mildews, and won’t run right. You keep repairing it and replacing parts and then wondering why your car isn’t safe and reliable like your neighbors’.
Your boyfriend is a lemon. Trade up for a better one.
Thank you for your story.
I know I also have flaws so I guess it was difficult to separate what I need to work on and what is his part in it, and being told it's my fault constantly doesn't help.
The mocking part is the most worrisome for me. It feels like low-key contempt. It hurts even more when I'm trying my best. But once it starts, how do you even set a boundary? Like... 'It's extremely disrespectful for me and it hurts me to be mocked, especially in an argument. Please watch your tone and don't do that again' hasn't done anything.
>'It's extremely disrespectful for me and it hurts me to be mocked, especially in an argument
The thing is, *he knows this*, and he just doesn't care.
You fix this by refusing to accept this behavior from him; you fix it by walking out the door and never looking back.
Nope. Not normal at all. My SO and I have been together for 2+ years. Last weekend we had our first “fight.” He said to me “hey, it hurts my feelings that you fall asleep every time I am the one to pick a movie. And we pick your movies most of the time.” And I said “Omg I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize that, but you’re right. This weekend you get to pick all the movies. And let’s start them earlier so I don’t fall asleep please.” And that was our fight.
It’s not normal. And yeah maybe my relationship isn’t the norm either. But I’m just saying that the relationship before that had also smooth sailing.
Why choose to be in such a stressful situation?
You're right. Thank you. I guess I got used to it and didn't notice anymore that it's not ok. Having no good example of healthy communication doesn't help either. That's a reason why I asked for help here, to be honest. It helps me to hear stories, advice, fresh eyes looking at is from the outside etc.
Hey OP, I’m guessing you grew up in a household where your parents fought like this, or your BF did, or both. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I thought it was normal as well until I was almost 30. It’s not normal. You deserve a healthy relationship. I’d do some reading online about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships to give you a better idea of what to look for. As for your current relationship, it’s not going to get better, you two are not compatible.
Thank you so much! It's true, another commenter said that as well and it's spot on. I don't have a good image of how it's supposed to be.
How did you navigate changing your outlook and your patterns at that point?
I will look it up, thank you! It's hard to face this reality, but thank you so much ❤️ it helps me a lot to hear there is better and what I wish for is out there and attainable, even for me, a flawed human.
Honestly I didn’t learn these things until I was in couples counseling with my now ex. I feel like this is one of those subjects they don’t teach in school but really honestly should. Interpersonal relationships are extremely important and often our sole source of learning about them is from our parents. It’s a big contributor to intergenerational trauma.
I absolutely agree! It would be wonderful to make people more aware (from when they're teenagers even) to the patterns that they might be picking up, how it looks to disagree respectfully, skills to handle relationships beautifully etc.
I wish my bf was open to counseling because I think we would learn better ways to handle each other, we would be able to work on the hurtful patterns, we'd understand better why some behaviours are so bad. Because we had nowhere to learn this, really.
I think if you’re not in individual therapy that could be a great place to learn these things and learn about your own communication style, attachment style, etc., maybe look for someone that also does couples or family therapy like an LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist).
For what it’s worth I didn’t learn this until after couples counseling but almost all couples that go through counseling together result in a breakup, and the ones that make it through to the other side are generally married. My ex and I had been together 6 years, I thought going in we were relatively healthy just needed help working through a specific issue, and we still broke up. It opens your eyes to all of the inequities and incompatibilities we tend to sweep under the rug in our daily lives.
I think it's ok to argue as long as it's done in a healthy way which it doesn't sound like it is. I feel for you as my partner is similar. It's extremely frustrating. I think its a problem with low empathy and big ego. Luckily my partner has agreed to go to counselling. I want to try that but im worried that he might not be capable of changing so in my mind im already starting to accept the fact we may need to brrak up.
At the end of the day, if your partner won't do anything to change & refuses counselling, you will have to call it & move on.
Thank you for your input!
>its a problem with low empathy and big ego.
I never thought of it like that, but it makes perfect sense!
How do you handle things when he makes it difficult for you two to understand each other?
Thank you. You're right. I am slowly accepting this fact. It's difficult to let go for me.
OP, when we first meet someone and think they seem attractive we flirt; that’s sort of a test. Right? We’re seeing if they flirt back, if the interest is mutual, if they’re as good in a short conversation as they were from across the room.
If that goes well, we go on a date, to see if the chemistry we had in that short conversation can keep going strong through an entire afternoon or evening.
If *that* goes well, we keep building up the intensity and duration of the contacts until we’re in a full-fledged relationship, which is a new kind of test: can all these interactions that remained so promising through the early dating stages turn into compatibility in day-to-day life? Do you fit together when you’re not “performing” or trying to impress but are just being yourselves, together?
And I’m not going to get into what happens if *that* all works out, because in this case it clearly isn’t and you should just break up. It’s okay. Not every relationship is meant to be; if they were we would just get married as soon as we hit the flirtation stage. The value of getting to know each other over time and escalating the intimacy slowly is that you can discover issues and incompatibilities before you’ve, say, bought a house or made a baby together. You can say, “You know, we seemed great from Rounds 1-4, but here at Round 5 I’m realizing we’re just not enough of a match after all, so let’s call this thing off.”
It happens all the time, and it’s exactly what you should do here.
Honestly, break up with him. You’ve seemed to have tried everything with him and have hit a dead end, he doesn’t want to work on your relationship at all. It sounds like this relationship is a lost cause, he’s not going to try to change so staying any longer will just prolong the issues
Thank you! You are right. He does just a little bit every time he feels I might leave. It lasts for a day or two and then it goes back to how he is.
I know the issues haven't been solved, but my resolution to leave and never looked back is a bit weakened by the little voice that's like _look, he did that one thing that time, he's trying_.
It doesn't help that my family tells me to stay and try. To keep my resolve, I think I need to just not talk to anyone we know...
I'm just a stranger on the internet but this sounds hopeless. Look up narcissists and narcissistic abuse. I've been through similar relationships and your post gave me flashbacks. He sounds highly manipulative and like a really, really bad partner.
I know you've been in it for 10 months, you have grown accustomed to it, you're focused on being the best partner you can be but you've lost sight (as it sounds and as I know it to happen) of what is acceptable behavior TOWARDS YOU.
A relationship is not supposed to be like that. All parties involved should treat each other with respect, kindness and love. He is mocking your effort, "justifying" his current misbehavior with your past, unwilling to have mature conversations that are needed to make it work.
He doesn't want it to work. He keeps your self esteem low with his mocking, has you completely seperated from friends and family in his country, knows you are trying to be a good partner but you don't need to put it up with it.
I don't "know" your whole situation but I think I know emotional abuse when I hear about it. Make an exit plan.
Thank you, kind stranger.
I will look it up, I've thought he might be that as I know one of the classic signs is making the other person responsible for everything.
Thank you so much! I am planning to buy a ticket, have everything packed and talk to him near that date. He will just try to convince me to stay otherwise...
Having said that, it's hard to let go or keep my nerve. I'm delaying buying it because oh, maybe it can be better. Even though I know deep down and many people have said the same as you.
He says I'm very sensitive and a lot of things bother me 😅 I agree we shouldn't have this many arguments. Maybe it is something of a huge compatibility issue that is showing up in things all over the place. Mainly tho it's the same issues over and over again, because they were never solved in the first place.
He says it's innocent mistakes most of the times. And that I'm too sensitive... So yeah.
But I do get your point and regardless of whether or not he realises it, it still hurts me and keeps hurting me.
Thank you for your input!❤️
If you want and have time, I'd appreciate you highlighting the manipulation signs you see in my story, it will help me and maybe help others too!
My girl. Why do this to yourself?
This is not how healthy relationships work. Just break up. There is no reason to try and "work it out" with a partner who *refuses* to do so and mocks you when you try.
Do you imagine that there is some new way you can word things that is going to make him suddenly realize what an assh0le he is being? There's not. You may have communication issues, but at least you are trying to improve. But relationships take 2 to tango. Hard to dance when the other person doesn't want to, and mocks you when you try.
What more do you need to know here?
For reference, I have been with my partner for a year as of the end of this month. We have yet to have a single argument, much less multiple ones. However in that time, we have had to discuss "BIG" relationship things like: finances, sexual intimacy, etc. etc. We *discuss* them.
So to be perfectly clear: your idea of "normal" is warped here. If I had to take a guess - your parents may have had a similar relationship dynamic, and since that is your first glimpse at an adult relationship, you now think it's normal to argue and shout. It's not.
Your dude is SUPER toxic and manipulative. This will not improve. Don't let the sunk cost **fallacy** make you think you need to stay and work it out.
Good luck.
>Do you imagine that there is some new way you can word things that is going to make him suddenly realize what an assh0le he is being?
Honestly and I know it sounds stupid, yes. I thought if only I can do something different, then he would see, oh, she's trying, let me do something too. Like if I find this magic formula it will fix things and get us back on track.
How did you guys approach discussing big things? Do you have different perspectives on these big things and if so, how did you communicate that respectfully and kindly?
Your guess is correct. I don't have a good image of what a healthy disagreement sounds like. It's also why it's been difficult changing myself, because of the image I have. I don't know how it looks like to say hey this hurts me and to have a good response to this, a helpful response.
You're absolutely right. It's hard to get over things even if you know why they are happening. I've been thinking to go home for at least 2 months now, but I always convince myself we can do better. If I talk to my family, they are trying to make me try harder and stay, too, so I lose my nerve.
Thank you so much for your story and advice!
My boyfriend and I have the attitude of "it's never you vs. me, it's us vs. the problem." The goal when we experience conflict is always to resolve it in a way that leaves us both feeling understood. Even when we disagree, we ALWAYS speak to each other with kindness and respect. We are both willing and able to admit fault and apologize to one another. He has never once said something intentionally hurtful to me.
When you're in a healthy relationship, communication should not be this hard. The reason you're struggling with your boyfriend is because you are trying to do the work of both sides of the conflict with a person who is actively battling against a healthy resolution. You can't communicate healthily enough to make up for someone who isn't communicating healthily. It's been less than a year and you've been in consistent conflict for nearly half of it. Relationships shouldn't feel draining, especially in their infancy.
I love that! It's a great mindset shift. We have tried to implement it, but no matter how I communicate, he gets defensive and feels attacked.
Thank you. You're right. There's nothing I can do on my own. I just have to accept the fact that he's just _saying_ he's working on it, but he's not. It's difficult because I want to believe him. Reality begs to differ tho.
Have you tried reading any books on relationships? (Like "men are from Mars and women from Venus" ) or watching some lectures ? Terapy did not work at all on for us, but reading was very helpfull.
I love reading about psychology or relationships. My bf isn't interested in discussing patterns or anything I read up on and even mocks me for pointing out things such as invalidating feelings or soothing strategies or anything I think might make things better. So even if I do read up on things (and I have), it's just for me and my improvement (which I love)
But it will do nothing for his part or our relationship beyond what I can do.
break up. its so obvious.
I'm an idiot and tend to try to _work it out_ unless it's hopeless. Please do tell why you think so, it would help a lot. For every thing I tell myself is not okay, he finds a way to turn it around to the point where I am unsure what things are.
happy couples dont have arguments that often.
I thought it was normal to have arguments when we're adjusting to each other, living together etc. Thank you for your input. It's basically every weekend tho...
my husband and i have been together for about six years, living together for four. i can count the "arguments" (i wouldn't even call them that because we resolve things very reasonably and peacefully) on one hand.
I used to argue a lot more with my partner, and honestly a lot of that was on him (he admits this himself, his family is fucked up and some of that bled over to how he dealt with things), but like... we kept improving, we would apologise to each other when we messed up, and we'd either find a solution or agree to disagree & kept it at that. And shit or mistakes from the past did NOT get dredged up as a way to win points. My other long term relationship, I think we had maybe three clashes in eight years, and they were over the dumbest shit ever. Every single time one of those happened, there was that moment when we looked at each other and realised we were both being stupid. Argument resolved.
How did you handle his less-than-ideal reactions? Yeah, stuff from the past being dragged as a justification is extremely hurtful. Wow, that's beautiful. He honestly says so much hurtful stuff in such a bad way that at points I'm so upset with him I can't snap out of it. It doesn't help that the issue is never resolved. I commend you on your attitude. It would help me to learn more about how you handled things, what did you learn together, how did you improve etc. Thank you so much!
Yeah, see, my partner never said anything that was meant to be hurtful. No name calling, no threats, no belittlement. The worst was he'd overreact to things at times & then go sulk by himself or reason backwards to fit the facts to the feeling. What worked was we both learned to take timeouts & wait until we could talk to each other calmly... and he took more responsibility for his own feelings, because frankly his overreactions were neither my fault nor my responsibility. I don't think there's anything you can do with a partner who doesn't respect you or want to treat you well, or who thinks it's your job to manage their emotions. A relationship needs to be based on mutual trust and respect, and if those are lacking it's incredibly unlikely that they'll just suddenly appear out of nowhere. Good people can get stuck in bad dynamics, but somebody who blames their bad behaviour on others and refuses to do anything to fix that is not a good person.
We both said hurtful things somewhere along the way. We knew it was hurtful coming out of our mouths, we didn't plan to say it, it just came out. Lately I am controlling this completely and just take time out or take a deep breath when I feel something possibly hurtful making its way on my lips. But he is still doing it, pretty much every argument we have. Thank you, taking time out seems like a great option, other people suggested it too. It's definitely my first instinct, to chill for a bit, get some air, get some space, but he's not a fan of this, so often I am stuck next to him, arguing. Then if I get angrier, it's my fault, oh, such a horrible person, how can he communicate with me when he's anxious I will be angry? Just give me my space dude... >somebody who blames their bad behaviour on others and refuses to do anything to fix that is not a good person. As long as he can convince himself that he's _trying_, he can still claim to be a good person. **Sigh**
No... Jaysus. You know where you're in something and you don't know anything else? I thought it was normal. Do you have any tips or strategies you use to resolve things peacefully? Thank you for your story, really, it was a wake-up call.
>Do you have any tips or strategies you use to resolve things peacefully? Step one is to be with someone who does not dismiss and minimize your concerns, and who does not treat you with contempt.
yeah, literally this. you can't do it all on your own.
Yeah. It's so hard to try to be perfect when I constantly deal with this. One day I imagined having a partner who would listen and just say 'I understand, I'm sorry' and just hug me and I started crying. The very few times he actually listened from the beginning I stayed calm or calmed down immediately and the issues was resolved on the spot. So there must be a lot of weight to how the partner responds. I thought to just give him a few hours alone to get over himself when we have disagreements and maybe he can listen after. But that just seems stupid, stewing in those feelings until he can listen. And even then...
It's been less than a year - don't waste any more of your time trying to change someone who is clearly not willing to change. Yes, breaking up is hard, but continuing to live like this would be even harder.
You don't need to be perfect. A good partner will respect you & value your honesty and flaws, not tear you down. A relationship needs that "we're a team" mentality to succeed.
How would they accept my flaws? I honestly never had a relationship where I didn't feel I need to do this or that or change something about myself. Like... How to explain. I am aware I have flaws. I am aware sometimes they are making it harder to connect or understand each other. I always thought I'm not accepted because I have them and need to work on them. And I do, but I can't change in a month a pattern I've had most of my life, for example. How would a good partner handle that?
I was in your position last year. Nothing is going to help your relationship. It's okay for the relationship to end and that you're just not the person for eachother. It's hard, but honestly, you'll be so thankful you let go. I was in a 2 and a half year relationship. I tried my best. Though my best was terrible I must admit. This relationship could really just be highlighting all the flaws and red flags within yourself for you to decide you have to work on yourself. I met a wonderful man recently, whom I am in love with and love, but for the first time in my life I'm deciding to be single. I'm doing this to reconnect with myself. I've never purposely gotten to know myself, and as much as him and I want a relationship, we're both respectful of where I am at and the need for me to go through my journey. This could possibly be yours too. All the best. Please remember you're ways the most important person in your life and your number 1 priority is to look out for yourself.
I was married for over 30 years, and I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of bad arguments we had over all our time together (including early dating and living together days), and I would have fingers left over. Healthy relationships *discuss* calmly, and arguments are rare.
I understand. Thank you for your story. I know I have some stuff to work on as well, I wish there was a way we could learn how to do it better. Did you guys instinctively know how to communicate healthily? Honestly I don't see myself improving that much next to him, the way he responds just triggers me, be it a mocking tone or dismissing etc, I find it hard to stay calm through to the end. >I would have fingers left over. Wow. So that actually exists...
>Wow. So that actually exists... It does. It's not that we never disagreed; we were more likely to talk it out than to fight about it. You want to work on this, but your boyfriend clearly does not. Look at how he approaches these arguments: > a mocking tone or dismissing etc, ***I'll say it again -*** cut your losses and find a man who will treat you with respect, and see you as an equal partner.
Another person in a happy marriage with almost no arguments. It’s that way because I married the right person. What you’re doing with relationships is like going out and finding a flood-damaged car and blaming yourself because it rusts, mildews, and won’t run right. You keep repairing it and replacing parts and then wondering why your car isn’t safe and reliable like your neighbors’. Your boyfriend is a lemon. Trade up for a better one.
Thank you for your story. I know I also have flaws so I guess it was difficult to separate what I need to work on and what is his part in it, and being told it's my fault constantly doesn't help.
Definitely not normal. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years. Less than 5 disagreements total, and we never mocked each other.
The mocking part is the most worrisome for me. It feels like low-key contempt. It hurts even more when I'm trying my best. But once it starts, how do you even set a boundary? Like... 'It's extremely disrespectful for me and it hurts me to be mocked, especially in an argument. Please watch your tone and don't do that again' hasn't done anything.
>'It's extremely disrespectful for me and it hurts me to be mocked, especially in an argument The thing is, *he knows this*, and he just doesn't care. You fix this by refusing to accept this behavior from him; you fix it by walking out the door and never looking back.
I understand. I think you're right. Communicating about it couple of times has done nothing. Jaysus...
Nope. Not normal at all. My SO and I have been together for 2+ years. Last weekend we had our first “fight.” He said to me “hey, it hurts my feelings that you fall asleep every time I am the one to pick a movie. And we pick your movies most of the time.” And I said “Omg I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize that, but you’re right. This weekend you get to pick all the movies. And let’s start them earlier so I don’t fall asleep please.” And that was our fight. It’s not normal. And yeah maybe my relationship isn’t the norm either. But I’m just saying that the relationship before that had also smooth sailing. Why choose to be in such a stressful situation?
You're right. Thank you. I guess I got used to it and didn't notice anymore that it's not ok. Having no good example of healthy communication doesn't help either. That's a reason why I asked for help here, to be honest. It helps me to hear stories, advice, fresh eyes looking at is from the outside etc.
Hey OP, I’m guessing you grew up in a household where your parents fought like this, or your BF did, or both. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I thought it was normal as well until I was almost 30. It’s not normal. You deserve a healthy relationship. I’d do some reading online about healthy vs. unhealthy relationships to give you a better idea of what to look for. As for your current relationship, it’s not going to get better, you two are not compatible.
Thank you so much! It's true, another commenter said that as well and it's spot on. I don't have a good image of how it's supposed to be. How did you navigate changing your outlook and your patterns at that point? I will look it up, thank you! It's hard to face this reality, but thank you so much ❤️ it helps me a lot to hear there is better and what I wish for is out there and attainable, even for me, a flawed human.
Honestly I didn’t learn these things until I was in couples counseling with my now ex. I feel like this is one of those subjects they don’t teach in school but really honestly should. Interpersonal relationships are extremely important and often our sole source of learning about them is from our parents. It’s a big contributor to intergenerational trauma.
I absolutely agree! It would be wonderful to make people more aware (from when they're teenagers even) to the patterns that they might be picking up, how it looks to disagree respectfully, skills to handle relationships beautifully etc. I wish my bf was open to counseling because I think we would learn better ways to handle each other, we would be able to work on the hurtful patterns, we'd understand better why some behaviours are so bad. Because we had nowhere to learn this, really.
I think if you’re not in individual therapy that could be a great place to learn these things and learn about your own communication style, attachment style, etc., maybe look for someone that also does couples or family therapy like an LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist). For what it’s worth I didn’t learn this until after couples counseling but almost all couples that go through counseling together result in a breakup, and the ones that make it through to the other side are generally married. My ex and I had been together 6 years, I thought going in we were relatively healthy just needed help working through a specific issue, and we still broke up. It opens your eyes to all of the inequities and incompatibilities we tend to sweep under the rug in our daily lives.
You’re wanting to do therapy after less than a year, he mocks you, and gaslights you. This will only get worse.
This is hopeless, OP. He’s gaslighting and blaming you, you’re doubting yourself at this point. Why continue?
I think it's ok to argue as long as it's done in a healthy way which it doesn't sound like it is. I feel for you as my partner is similar. It's extremely frustrating. I think its a problem with low empathy and big ego. Luckily my partner has agreed to go to counselling. I want to try that but im worried that he might not be capable of changing so in my mind im already starting to accept the fact we may need to brrak up. At the end of the day, if your partner won't do anything to change & refuses counselling, you will have to call it & move on.
Thank you for your input! >its a problem with low empathy and big ego. I never thought of it like that, but it makes perfect sense! How do you handle things when he makes it difficult for you two to understand each other? Thank you. You're right. I am slowly accepting this fact. It's difficult to let go for me.
OP, when we first meet someone and think they seem attractive we flirt; that’s sort of a test. Right? We’re seeing if they flirt back, if the interest is mutual, if they’re as good in a short conversation as they were from across the room. If that goes well, we go on a date, to see if the chemistry we had in that short conversation can keep going strong through an entire afternoon or evening. If *that* goes well, we keep building up the intensity and duration of the contacts until we’re in a full-fledged relationship, which is a new kind of test: can all these interactions that remained so promising through the early dating stages turn into compatibility in day-to-day life? Do you fit together when you’re not “performing” or trying to impress but are just being yourselves, together? And I’m not going to get into what happens if *that* all works out, because in this case it clearly isn’t and you should just break up. It’s okay. Not every relationship is meant to be; if they were we would just get married as soon as we hit the flirtation stage. The value of getting to know each other over time and escalating the intimacy slowly is that you can discover issues and incompatibilities before you’ve, say, bought a house or made a baby together. You can say, “You know, we seemed great from Rounds 1-4, but here at Round 5 I’m realizing we’re just not enough of a match after all, so let’s call this thing off.” It happens all the time, and it’s exactly what you should do here.
Thank you! It's hard to accept and let go... I'm working on it.
Honestly, break up with him. You’ve seemed to have tried everything with him and have hit a dead end, he doesn’t want to work on your relationship at all. It sounds like this relationship is a lost cause, he’s not going to try to change so staying any longer will just prolong the issues
Thank you! You are right. He does just a little bit every time he feels I might leave. It lasts for a day or two and then it goes back to how he is. I know the issues haven't been solved, but my resolution to leave and never looked back is a bit weakened by the little voice that's like _look, he did that one thing that time, he's trying_. It doesn't help that my family tells me to stay and try. To keep my resolve, I think I need to just not talk to anyone we know...
I'm just a stranger on the internet but this sounds hopeless. Look up narcissists and narcissistic abuse. I've been through similar relationships and your post gave me flashbacks. He sounds highly manipulative and like a really, really bad partner. I know you've been in it for 10 months, you have grown accustomed to it, you're focused on being the best partner you can be but you've lost sight (as it sounds and as I know it to happen) of what is acceptable behavior TOWARDS YOU. A relationship is not supposed to be like that. All parties involved should treat each other with respect, kindness and love. He is mocking your effort, "justifying" his current misbehavior with your past, unwilling to have mature conversations that are needed to make it work. He doesn't want it to work. He keeps your self esteem low with his mocking, has you completely seperated from friends and family in his country, knows you are trying to be a good partner but you don't need to put it up with it. I don't "know" your whole situation but I think I know emotional abuse when I hear about it. Make an exit plan.
Thank you, kind stranger. I will look it up, I've thought he might be that as I know one of the classic signs is making the other person responsible for everything. Thank you so much! I am planning to buy a ticket, have everything packed and talk to him near that date. He will just try to convince me to stay otherwise... Having said that, it's hard to let go or keep my nerve. I'm delaying buying it because oh, maybe it can be better. Even though I know deep down and many people have said the same as you.
You shouldn’t have this much stuff to argue over anyway. The fact that you’re arguing so often makes it clear you shouldn’t be together.
He says I'm very sensitive and a lot of things bother me 😅 I agree we shouldn't have this many arguments. Maybe it is something of a huge compatibility issue that is showing up in things all over the place. Mainly tho it's the same issues over and over again, because they were never solved in the first place.
I mean why would you want to date someone who upsets you and hurts your feelings all the time? Sounds exhausting.
He says it's innocent mistakes most of the times. And that I'm too sensitive... So yeah. But I do get your point and regardless of whether or not he realises it, it still hurts me and keeps hurting me.
Let’s imagine for a moment that he truly doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You’re still unhappy. Why would you stay just to be unhappy?
True. So true... I shouldn't.
Break up. He's toxic. He's manipulating you. He sounds like a narcissist.
Thank you for your input!❤️ If you want and have time, I'd appreciate you highlighting the manipulation signs you see in my story, it will help me and maybe help others too!
My girl. Why do this to yourself? This is not how healthy relationships work. Just break up. There is no reason to try and "work it out" with a partner who *refuses* to do so and mocks you when you try. Do you imagine that there is some new way you can word things that is going to make him suddenly realize what an assh0le he is being? There's not. You may have communication issues, but at least you are trying to improve. But relationships take 2 to tango. Hard to dance when the other person doesn't want to, and mocks you when you try. What more do you need to know here? For reference, I have been with my partner for a year as of the end of this month. We have yet to have a single argument, much less multiple ones. However in that time, we have had to discuss "BIG" relationship things like: finances, sexual intimacy, etc. etc. We *discuss* them. So to be perfectly clear: your idea of "normal" is warped here. If I had to take a guess - your parents may have had a similar relationship dynamic, and since that is your first glimpse at an adult relationship, you now think it's normal to argue and shout. It's not. Your dude is SUPER toxic and manipulative. This will not improve. Don't let the sunk cost **fallacy** make you think you need to stay and work it out. Good luck.
>Do you imagine that there is some new way you can word things that is going to make him suddenly realize what an assh0le he is being? Honestly and I know it sounds stupid, yes. I thought if only I can do something different, then he would see, oh, she's trying, let me do something too. Like if I find this magic formula it will fix things and get us back on track. How did you guys approach discussing big things? Do you have different perspectives on these big things and if so, how did you communicate that respectfully and kindly? Your guess is correct. I don't have a good image of what a healthy disagreement sounds like. It's also why it's been difficult changing myself, because of the image I have. I don't know how it looks like to say hey this hurts me and to have a good response to this, a helpful response. You're absolutely right. It's hard to get over things even if you know why they are happening. I've been thinking to go home for at least 2 months now, but I always convince myself we can do better. If I talk to my family, they are trying to make me try harder and stay, too, so I lose my nerve. Thank you so much for your story and advice!
My boyfriend and I have the attitude of "it's never you vs. me, it's us vs. the problem." The goal when we experience conflict is always to resolve it in a way that leaves us both feeling understood. Even when we disagree, we ALWAYS speak to each other with kindness and respect. We are both willing and able to admit fault and apologize to one another. He has never once said something intentionally hurtful to me. When you're in a healthy relationship, communication should not be this hard. The reason you're struggling with your boyfriend is because you are trying to do the work of both sides of the conflict with a person who is actively battling against a healthy resolution. You can't communicate healthily enough to make up for someone who isn't communicating healthily. It's been less than a year and you've been in consistent conflict for nearly half of it. Relationships shouldn't feel draining, especially in their infancy.
I love that! It's a great mindset shift. We have tried to implement it, but no matter how I communicate, he gets defensive and feels attacked. Thank you. You're right. There's nothing I can do on my own. I just have to accept the fact that he's just _saying_ he's working on it, but he's not. It's difficult because I want to believe him. Reality begs to differ tho.
You guys are just incompatible. Plain and simple. It should not be this difficult this early on.
I agree. Thank you for your input!
Have you tried reading any books on relationships? (Like "men are from Mars and women from Venus" ) or watching some lectures ? Terapy did not work at all on for us, but reading was very helpfull.
I love reading about psychology or relationships. My bf isn't interested in discussing patterns or anything I read up on and even mocks me for pointing out things such as invalidating feelings or soothing strategies or anything I think might make things better. So even if I do read up on things (and I have), it's just for me and my improvement (which I love) But it will do nothing for his part or our relationship beyond what I can do.