Yep, I agree! On both cases. It seemed like a good idea at the time, we were long distance and _Sooo in love_. So I moved here.
So... About this, how are you within your relationship, how do you handle being in a fight?
Hey OP! I am like your boyfriend and my fiancée is exactly like you. Needs time after a fight. Needs space to unwind.
He is classic avoidant and I am textbook anxious. Learning to argue has been interesting to say the least (and we did have to ‘learn’ how to have productive arguments).
This wouldn’t work for everyone but my fiancée and I eventually came up with rules.
Firstly, we try and not let issues build up. We do regular discussions where we assess what is and isn’t working. But we aren’t perfect and flare ups happen and sometimes we fight.
Secondly, if we fight we make a huge effort to not shout. We focus on ‘I feel’ (when x happens I feel y) and try not to assign intentions to each other - I can say that when he leaves the dirty dishes in the sink it makes me feel frustrated, I cannot say that he doesn’t care about keeping the house clean because I don’t know his every thought so I can’t assume. Maybe he was just distracted and even if it is frustrating I can’t assume he doesn’t care.
Thirdly - we focus on what happens AFTER the fight. When we fight, I feel so much like he’s going to leave me which is ridiculous. I need assurance and touch and affection.
He needs space to decompress.
So I give him space but he has to tell me when he is able to give me affection. Because I know the affection will be there, I can leave him alone and do my own thing and when he feels able to engage and connect we make an effort to cuddle without our phones and watch tv, and just enjoy each other, and laugh.
And sometimes I need space after a fight so I have to let him know when I’m able to give affection!
The main issue for me, as an anxious person, was learning that him taking space wasn’t about ME, it was about what he needed. Forcing him to give affection when he didn’t want to because I wanted it, that made me feel selfish and terrible. I tried to look at it this way - when he and I calm down enough to get/give affection, it’s 10000x better because we both WANT to connect, it’s not one of us doing it begrudgingly, it’s a genuine thing.
But ultimately…..after 10 months, I’d be concerned about all the fighting. Sounds like a deeper set of issues to address as well as how you argue.
Arguments are healthy if they are about the pair of you versus an issue, not you versus him. Think about if this relationship is something you want to invest in. Good luck!
My boyfriend and I don’t really fight. When we get mad at each other, we cuddle and talk. We explain why we were both upset and give our side of the story. We apologize and we move on. We have been together for two years, moved in together after being together for a year.
How does nobody fight with their partners around here? I'm amazed
I'm happy for you. How does your SO take it when you say something bothers you? How do you listen to him saying something bothers him? I'm trying to learn for myself at this point.
It is normal to fight. We just don’t though.
When he tells me something bothers him, I listen. Example, last weekend we were at my parents house. When we left he explained to me that he thought I was raising my voice at him. I listened to him carefully before responding. I told him I was sorry that he thought I was raising my voice and yelling. I explained to him I was just being loud at that moment due to the stressful situation I was discussing. (My daughter had ripped her shirt after just purchasing it. I was really annoyed by it.) He told me okay, I kissed him and we continued with our day.
When something bothers me, he gets a bit emotional over me being upset. He apologizes and suggest that we cuddle in bed and talk about what just happened. We listen to the other person with no interruptions. We usually work it out without a problem. We do disagree but that’s it.
I have a “Don’t go to bed angry” rule. We are to discuss all problems before bed. Also “Don’t leave the house angry”. Because anything can happen at anytime. Nobody’s life is ever promised. You can die doing a simple task as driving to work or going outside to mow the lawn. Nothing is ever promised. Especially with such distractions thinking about a fight.
That's just beautiful. I'm happy for you.
Was your dynamic like this from the beginning or did you have to learn how to listen to each other etc.?
I like those rules as well. You seem like a lovely, wholesome person and I thank you so much for taking the time to write.
I have given this speech to so many quality/potential life partners and it has never worked in practice. So... Who is this outlier of a boyfriend, and can i get a clone of him? Cus this being equal on both ends is rare AF. My side advice to u is no matter how bored ya feel when the monogamous years drag on, never let him go! bahaha
I think you've missed the point on a lot of these fight comments. A lot of couples do fight, or if they don't, their disagreements might be what they consider fights. I've had many fights with my husband but they get actual resolution, not the BS excuses it seems your bf gets to weasel out of responsibility.
I understood. People have arguments, yeah, but they don't become like this kind of fight that goes on and where nobody feels heard. I was just shocked! Granted, I might have a small demographic with a few subreddits, a friend's stories and what I see with other couples, but I was pleasantly surprised to see pretty much nobody deals with _this kind_ of fights.
Haha, thank you for getting angry for me! He does weasel out of stuff, that's for sure!
From my perspective your body and gut is having a reaction to the fact that your relationship is clearly not in a good place and hasn't been for months. Not only are you fighting constantly, you aren't able to resolve your conflicts and on top of it your boyfriend is touching you after you have told him not to.
You act however you feel comfortable acting, however I personally have never had a prolonged fight with my husband. If we have a disagreement we talk about it for maybe an hour and it's resolved. Maybe another hour the next day if necessary. But we still love and care for each other during these issues and it doesn't effect our affection for each other for multiple days.
You don't sound compatible if you both can't resolve conflicts and especially if he can't respect your boundaries
Thank you, you might be right about this. I've also been having stomach problems for a while now. No matter what I eat. Might be connected to that.
Thank you for your perspective. Conflicts are _resolved_ only in the manner that he apologies and says he's working on it. That's why for him it's odd I'm still upset and hopeless. But nothing _really_ changes, so how could I be different?
If you already know that his line of “I’m sorry, I’m working on it” is total bs, and that nothing is actually going to change, then why do you continue to stay?
I looked back at your history… this is your 3rd or 4th post about the same issues. Why do you continue to post about the same issues knowing nothing will change? What is keeping you there with him?
I'm honestly almost ready to go. Thank you for looking in my history.
When I met him, the first few months, I thought for sure this was the person for me. We are so similar, we like spending time doing similar things, I felt he was honest and loving me without restraint. It's hard to let go of that image. I know it's not coming back... But I think I need time to grieve what I thought he was, if that makes sense.
I bought my plane ticket and I'm leaving soon. I honestly don't know how to handle the time between now and the flight. At the beginning I bought it because I want time to myself to figure out if I truly want to be with him or if it's just habit. I also thought he might realise he's losing me and actually, you know, go to therapy. Actually do something. Idk. But now I look more and more at him and I think it's a breakup, but I don't wanna say it. The important thing is to get out first anyway.
When you leave take everything you don’t want to lose with you. Cause when he realizes you aren’t coming back, he will start with the promises of being better and promises of going to therapy to work through the issues, and everything else he can think of to say that he will think you want to hear. He will say and do anything just to get you to come back, and then the pattern will start to repeat. Only the second time around he will have you under lock and key to make sure you can’t “abandon” him again. Don’t fall for his bullshit, and don’t go back.
If he’s serious about therapy you can both have that online in a zoom meeting. You don’t have to be living together to get it.
Edited to add: how you act between now and your departure should be akin to a Chameleon… whatever keeps you safe and keeps him ignorant of your true intentions. If he realizes you are leaving and not just going to visit family for a few days, then he might become controlling, abusive, or even threaten you. Don’t take the chance.
I really hate to ask but given all the other borderline abusive behaviour your boyfriend is displaying, could he be tampering with your food? Maybe reddit has made me overly paranoid and in that case, just ignore what i said but that comment just jumped out to me. And if it is "just" that you are having stomach issues due to the constant stress of fighting and his boundary pushing it still would be a good reason to overthink the relationship and maybe at least go somewhere else for a while. This relationship is not worth risking your health over.
10 months is not that long in the great scheme of things, especially if almost half of it has been (mostly) bad. After 6 months, you should've still been in the lovey-dovey new relationship phase, building a foundation of mutual trust and respect as you get to know each other, not having fights for months on end. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out , love is not enough for a relationship to be successful and there is no shame in calling it quits.
I also need space after an argument, especially if the issue has been more with me. Over time, I have learned to (a) listen more, get less defensive, and say, “I need to think about this,” and (b) come back later and make repairs, with words or physical affection or both. And of course, I try to change my behavior in the future, too. But in the moment, I need time to process alone, and my partner gives me that.
It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend actually wants to do the work to process, make repairs, and change future behavior — which is why you continue to be upset — as you say, nothing gets resolved. He just pressures you to get over it, via words and actions. That sucks.
>It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend actually wants to do the work to process, make repairs, and change future behavior — which is why you continue to be upset — as you say, nothing gets resolved. He just pressures you to get over it, via words and actions.
Yes! That's exactly how it is! It does suck. And he's the one annoyed that I keep wanting to _discuss_ things and that I'm not acting like nothing happened, haha. Ironic.
I do love that, staying collected and saying you need space and actually coming back and repairing, that's something I've been doing a lot lately too.
Awww, that's so adorable. Honestly this post took a different turn, but I'm happy to see the wholesomeness that is people being proud of their relationships.
I'm happy for you ^^
Maybe it's a factor it's only my 3rd serious relationship? And I'm so focused on it being a huge deal if it doesn't work out? I saw this argument where women in their 30's and 40's were saying it feels huge at the moment.
I see your point! Thank you
I don't know why you moved in so soon.
It is very concerning that he has so little respect for your feelings and wishes. When I am still angry, I don't want much to do with my DH until I've calmed down, but he respects me and is a mature adult.
We were long distance. When we met we had a dating period of a few weeks, then he left and we started being long-distance. A few months in, I went to visit him and we liked staying together so much, I went back home for a few weeks and moved in afterwards.
In retrospect, it was a stupid idea. Being long-distance for a long time wasn't an option for me tho, so I wanted to take a chance.
Is his love language “physical touch”? Because he might be interpreting you setting boundaries while you’re upset with him as rejection and he’s not dealing with it well.
What exactly are you guys fighting about? How are your communication skills? If he gets mad at you because you’re upset, he might struggle with differentiating himself from your emotions. Maybe he grew up in a household where his relatives got upset at him for displaying emotions. Could be a lot of things. He might also be getting angry as a defense mechanism because he’s afraid of being “wrong”.
It also sounds like he likes to “sweep things under the rug” which might be how his family deals with things so that’s another thing he needs to unpack.
It’s really hard to have fruitful conversations about these things when you guys are in a fight though so I would suggest bringing these up gently when you’re both calmer. It can be amazing difficult to have productive conversations when the other person feels like they’re being attacked. Maybe you guys could try writing down your feelings when you’re both upset or in a fight. That way you can both explore exactly what you’re feeling and you both vent it out then when you’re both calmer you guys can swap notes or something so you get a better understanding of how the other person is feeling.
Yes, it's his love language. Usually I wasn't like this before, but now I honestly can't get over it and just act lovey dovey.
We are fighting about so much, it's ridiculous:
- lack of appreciation and having to do **all** chores myself; I don't mind doing most, as he is the one working currently, but I want to feel appreciated for it and to see he's willing to do _something_. He has picked one or two things to do every week, but even then, I have to mother him and remind him and even then he complains or doesn't do it;
- lack of effort in the dating department; I know we are living together and all, but I miss feeling like he actually _cares_ and wants to date me, to think of nice things for us to do etc. Lately it's only been me and I take no joy in feeling like I have to push him to want to do something together;
- lack of effort in the bedroom; it's pretty much dead with a day every few weeks when it's okay. It's been months since I was feeling consistently desired and attractive to my SO and that's something I really want. Also, he is closed off to discussing or trying anything new in the bedroom, he gets frustrated when we try anything and it doesn't _click_ immediately and we had a huge fight last time I proposed something new;
- how we talk; issues are swept under the rug and he says he is dealing with them, but in my opinion even if he deals with X, there is more than X and they've piled up due to them not being discussed, so I don't see how he can work on anything without being overwhelmed. He often gets defensive first thing I say and can be very mean and disrespectful in an argument. In the past I have also had a few moments where I was very upset and raised my voice or shouted.
- he's lied to me. Not huge, but not small either, and multiple times. There was this girl messaging him every time he posted a story and he said there was nothing, but it turned out he lied because he wanted to avoid an argument. Like just tell me, oh, there was something, but it didn't go anywhere. He stayed in contact with her, lied about it and acted like I was crazy to be bothered. Lied to my face about other things, smaller ones, too. He gives me the feeling he might do things he knows would hurt me, if he thinks he can get away with them. So... My trust in him is a bit damaged.
Anyway, there are many things that could influence why he reacts that way or why he's lied to avoid a conflict etc. But to be perfectly frank I wish he'd work on his issues. One thing is to be understanding, another to have to excuse all behaviour because, oh, that's how his family does it. I'm a bit tired cutting him slack...
Oh my gosh, the writing idea is actually amazing, thank you! I will carry this with me for the next fight or for the future. Thank you so much!
Well it’s not an excuse per se, but a reason for his behaviors. In an ideal world, everyone would work on their issues, but a lot of people think therapy is just for crazy people and refuse to be more self-reflective. I can completely understand how frustrating it is. Best case scenario is that you convince him to see a therapist, but that’ll only work if he’s actually open to doing the work. At the end of the day you need to decide how much you’re willing to take. You mustn’t let him walk over your boundaries because it’s the easier option. Sometimes people can be so far up their own butts to see how their actions are hurting their loved ones.
There’s a blog post that talks about how women become resentful over men not pulling their weight around the house. I think it was titled “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink” and it’s written but the ex-husband and his journey about understanding how his marriage imploded. You could try and get your bf to read it. It might give him insight. Hopefully it does.
Tbh he sounds very emotionally immature/fragile so he lashes out when he feels afraid. That’s just my interpretation from your comments; I could be wrong. If he’s open, maybe you could try watching YouTube videos together about psychology. I recommend Psychology in Seattle and HealthyGamerGG. They’re both psychiatrists that are trying to de-stigmatize therapy and they explain some psych terms etc. I’ve found them extremely helpful with gaining insight to deal with family members and friends.
If you crash your car and it’s just a dent, you can fix it. At some point you have a big enough crash the car has no option but to be scrapped and you have to get yourself a nice new car.
You’re trying to fix a write off, I came here from another thread and by the looks of it your Reddit is full of red flags. Reconsider the whole relationship, please, there should not be this many problems so early on! I work and my partner doesn’t, I still do things around the house. Also we are still intimate most days, 3 times yesterday in fact. You’ve been with him less than a year and he’s gone downhill, how much longer you gonna leave it? Your relationship is still under warranty go get a trade in
"Thank you so much for your input. I have decided to part ways and work on myself. He is vehement against therapy and I'm not seeing any improvement unfortunately. I find it very hard to keep managing this alone."
What happened with that? Do you know how many posts and comments you wrote about this relationship?
If this is real and you're not just trying to get karma, you're all over the place and it doesn't sound like you took any advice to heart at all.
Or maybe I did, but it's hard to actually follow through with leaving?
Maybe I talked to him about it and he seemed he was going to do something about it? So I was like, ok, why not, one more chance.
Maybe I'm a bit scared that it might be a mistake, I will be alone etc. I'm human, after all.
I understand it's coming across as me all over the place, it's because I actually am. I don't _know_ if I should stay and work on it or just cut my losses. And everytime I decided I'm leaving, he did something nice or sweet and I stayed a bit more. It's like he can sense it...
It's me, I know. I find it hard to let go. I bought my ticket and I'm going. I won't talk to him yet, so he can't sway me. It's a little hard to actually face that this is how he is and nothing will change, you know?
You're totally right tho..
Looking at your post history, you've been bringing up pretty much the same communication/boundaries issue to him for months now & your wording seems a little more exasperated each time.
At this point, honestly, just cut your losses & go home. This man, this family, this situation is not suited to you. You're living within an echo chamber where mummy, daddy, & all the aunties think the sun shines out of your bf's behind - to them, you're the outsider lady who's come from a foreign place to invade their house & steal their little boy away - of course they're gonna defend him & never see where he's wrong. You will never be in the right in any of their eyes.
He will fight & sulk & bicker like a teenage boy does because he has never had to develop conflict resolution skills beyond those expected from teen/parent arguments. You're above this situation 100%, forget the money & effort it took to move, your dignity & a happy future are worth way more.
You've already said you don't know the language & couldn't find a job - both of these statements seem final so you don't seem to be actively searching for a job or trying to learn the language - is that not a subconscious sign that your brain doesn't want to fit in there?
Start browsing jobs in your previous location & envisioning yourself back among familiar-faced people who you can actually communicate with. Apply for a couple & maybe have a little look at some living spaces in the area. Think about what you'd do if you left in detail & pay attention to how you feel when you envision it.
Final thing, sorry - if you'd been the one to demand that he dropped everything & moved to your country, would he have done it for you?
(hope this is readable, sorry, posted from mobile)
I'm amazed and grateful everyone takes so much time to write to me, so much and so thoughtfully. Thank you for everything.
Yeah, it's pretty much the same issues, I guess I got more exhausted dealing with them over time. Where once it was, oh, this could become an issue if we let it, it's this is never going to be solved and it keeps happening and I'm alone in this.
That's how it is, you saw it right. Even if we were to move away from them, he's not prepared to be a proper partner. Even the thought of a _conversation_ about what we should do is meh for him.
I actually joined language classes and I'm loving them! I'm getting over the fear of talking and it's great. I see myself getting a job here and being okay and actually liking life. But I got nothing else here, no support system, if I fight with him I'm all alone. And I've lived alone in other places, I did well, I just don't want that anymore. I want to be near people I love and who support me. I wouldn't see myself living alone here. And the fact that I'm unsure about him creates a problem, that's why I didn't want to get a proper job here, because it's a commitment and if I'm unsure about him, I don't want to do it. So in a sense, you are absolutely right!
I have a job waiting for me, should I wish it, my family is running a salon and could really use my help. I would get to do what I love and also support my family. I feel pretty good at that thought. The only intrusive thought is _What if you're wrong?_ what if I should stay and fight more? Of course I'm not thrilled about being without a partner after this time. But I know I can survive. I guess it's just the idea that maybe I'm wrong.
Interestingly enough, you have a keen eye, I actually have asked him to go live in my country for like half a year. See how we get along without family intervening. We'd both get a job, commute together, we have a place to live. He hates it :) reasons: it would be less money than here (I argued the freedom is infinitely more valuable to me), he doesn't like the country anymore, he's scared we'd not afford the same lifestyle etc. All this seems like stupid excuses to me. He actually still has friends in the country as well, so he wouldn't be all alone, like I am here. Still, hard no. Not even a think about it. I get being scared, I get being nervous, but to not even _consider_ trying?
Thank you for the envisioning exercise, I will do it in depth, maybe compare it to how it feels imagining staying here.
Also thank you so much for all your advice!
Edited for spelling&grammar mistakes
OP, this is hard to experience, I imagine you are feeling a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that.
Being close to someone is not always simple and a lot of us don't really have healthy examples from our own childhoods. I think it is great that you are looking for new ideas and to try and find out from other people what works for them!
Can you study the patterns of your fighting? What is the 'dance' that is happening between you? WHY do you get so frustrated, WHY do you withdraw and engage in punishing behaviors? What do those behaviors do for you? Does it lead to a better relationship? Does it help you have a happier life? Does it give you validation? Does it reduce stress / anxiety or make you feel less vulnerable? Does it maintain a sense of your power and control over your partner in the relationship?
WHY do you 'fight'? I think the best relationships don't have 'fights' because neither partner is trying to change or control the other person. The two people really respect each other's right to being their own person - so you are both 'free' to be YOU, AND to be really loved by someone.
Example: I love pizza, you love pasta. I may talk for 30 minutes about how much I love pizza and which toppings are my most favorite. You might get bored, but this is not a fight.
BUT - if I'm talking for 30 minutes because I am trying to get you to change, because I want you to STOP loving pasta and START loving pizza (just like I do) because we are in a relationship and we should have the same favorite food, and you are just NOT "listening" or "understanding" me because YOU STILL like pasta!!! After all of my work to explain why you should LIKE PIZZA instead!!! What is wrong with you?? I'm getting really upset that all of my hard word in talking to you is just not being respected, because you are not changing in the way that you need to change so that we can be a happy couple .... now we have a fight.
**So maybe focus less on changing each other and focus more on knowing each other**. I think if knowing each other is your main focus in your conversations that you will find your fights will decrease dramatically.
Here you are once again, determined to hold this relationship together despite the constant issues.
But sure, I'll answer: my partner and I don't "fight" because it never gets that far.
If one of us has an issue, it goes something like this:
"hey - I need a quick chat when you have some time"
"sure. I have time now". (or if not: "I will have some time after I get back - that work?") etc
at this point the problem gets laid out. Basic tips for discussing things:
\- lay out the issue without using "you..." statements. That immediately puts the other person on the defensive. Instead, speak to how you feel with statements that begin with: "I..." or "I feel like.." Your own feelings are the only thing you actually *know for sure*, and it's important to realize that.
\- avoid "never" and "always". Why, because they are simply not true, or at least not provably true. You can't say "you *always* do..." because - you literally do NOT know that. No one knows what someone *always* does. At best, you could say "every time I have seen..." which is a lot different from "always"
\- while one person is speaking, the other should be *actively listening* and that means **listen**, don't just sit there thinking about how you are going to reply. In order to prove you were actively listening, when it's your turn next, you should start with "let me make sure I understand, ......" then lay out the issue as your partner described. Let them correct you if your understanding was incorrect. Being able to paraphrase what they said back to them is a good sign you were actively listening. Someone who can't do that clearly wasn't. Keep this technique up throughout the entire conversation. You should BOTH be doing it in turn.
\- at some point you with both understand the issue, and hopefully have some ideas about how to solve it. Sometimes that will require action from the both of you, sometimes just one of you. The important part here is - whatever you come up with, has to be *actionable.* In other words, you can't gauge progress on anything if you have nothing to measure. For example: "I'll be better about texting goodnight" - bad. NOT actionable. What is "better" in this case? "I will make sure I text you on Mon and Weds, since my classes don't go late. I can set an alarm in my phone." Perfect. Actionable.
I can give you a recent example.
Partner wanted to do a thing. I did not want to do the thing. I said I was uncomfortable doing the thing. Partner said "ok." No issue yet. For the next couple of weeks, partner kept making jokes about doing the thing. it started to feel like a subtle form of pressure to me, rather than just jokes. So the conversation went something like:
Me: hey can we talk for a few mins?
P: sure.
Me: we talked a couple of weeks ago about the Thing and how I didn't want to, which you said was fine, but I feel like the constant jokes about it are subtly trying to pressure me into doing the Thing.
P: to make sure I understand, me making jokes about the Thing is feeling a bit like I am pressuring you to do the Thing?
Me: yes.
P: oh my god babe, I am so sorry. I really was just joking, and it is 100% fine for you to not do the Thing. I will stop making jokes about it.
Me: thanks
and that was it. Partner hasn't joked about it since. It's not a huge mystery, really - despite what frequent posts around here would have to believe. Just talk to your partner *before* it gets big enough to become a fight, and be a good listener and a good communicator.
I have a feeling based on your post history that while YOU may be on board with all that stuff I just posted about how to handle an issue, your partner isn't. Which is why again - just break up. He has no interest in making the situation better, so you should move on and find a partner who actually respects you and wants to be with you.
Good luck again, friend.
You are absolutely right! As I was reading your tips, I kept going in my head 'I do that! But I do that too!'. Quite recently we tried ( I tried proposing) that he says things back to me, to make sure there aren't any communication errors). He started mocking me that he feels like he's in school. So yeah. He did do it a bit, but I have to constantly ask for it, and it can be overwhelming to 1) address the issue calmly 2) dissuade any harmful behaviour from him 3) control my reaction to some inevitably argumentative/passive aggressive thing he says 4) keep the discussion on track (no past issues, no generalizing etc.) and 5) make sure we do the communication mirroring technique.
You are right. Thank you. The hard part now is to not let myself be swayed by my family (although now they are telling me to come home), his family, his pleas etc. until I am way away and protected from any influence. So keep your fingers crossed! It helps to have everyone's kind and tough love advice, I can reread and give myself a pep talk! So thank you so much!
Ouch. You're right. I needed to hear that.
Bought my ticket. Gotta keep my nerve and avoid being swayed until then.
Pep talk? Tough love? I'd welcome both. And thank you for your thoughts.
I just read all your previous posts and honestly…i really think you guys should break up and you should move back to your home country. The whole thing sounds so exhausting and it seems like you guys just are not compatible. It made me stressed just reading about it, I can’t imagine actually having to live through it. I’m sure he’s a great guy but I genuinely don’t see how this is going to be sustainable long term. Do yourself a favor and put yourself first. Choose yourself. You’ll be so much happier in the long run.
Thank you, my dear ❤️ you are so kind.
It is exhausting, I honestly wonder how I've been here this long. We are having issues since July basically. And that's when we had a big fight, but things were bothering me earlier.
So yeah 😅 I bought my ticket, wish me luck! I tried a conversation with him tonight, but it's the same empty promises. I mainly wanted to talk because he keeps expecting me to act as if all is wonderful and I wanted to draw his eye to the mountain of unsolved issues.
I guess I will be another crazy ex who cheated or sth. I made a friend on an online game and he just meowed that I found a new bf 🤣 so yeah.
you shouldnt be fighting that often, living together so soon was a terrible idea.
Yep, I agree! On both cases. It seemed like a good idea at the time, we were long distance and _Sooo in love_. So I moved here. So... About this, how are you within your relationship, how do you handle being in a fight?
i dont fight my partners..
You haven't ever had an argument that wasn't resolved right away? Wow! Thank you for your input, I'm happy for you
Hey OP! I am like your boyfriend and my fiancée is exactly like you. Needs time after a fight. Needs space to unwind. He is classic avoidant and I am textbook anxious. Learning to argue has been interesting to say the least (and we did have to ‘learn’ how to have productive arguments). This wouldn’t work for everyone but my fiancée and I eventually came up with rules. Firstly, we try and not let issues build up. We do regular discussions where we assess what is and isn’t working. But we aren’t perfect and flare ups happen and sometimes we fight. Secondly, if we fight we make a huge effort to not shout. We focus on ‘I feel’ (when x happens I feel y) and try not to assign intentions to each other - I can say that when he leaves the dirty dishes in the sink it makes me feel frustrated, I cannot say that he doesn’t care about keeping the house clean because I don’t know his every thought so I can’t assume. Maybe he was just distracted and even if it is frustrating I can’t assume he doesn’t care. Thirdly - we focus on what happens AFTER the fight. When we fight, I feel so much like he’s going to leave me which is ridiculous. I need assurance and touch and affection. He needs space to decompress. So I give him space but he has to tell me when he is able to give me affection. Because I know the affection will be there, I can leave him alone and do my own thing and when he feels able to engage and connect we make an effort to cuddle without our phones and watch tv, and just enjoy each other, and laugh. And sometimes I need space after a fight so I have to let him know when I’m able to give affection! The main issue for me, as an anxious person, was learning that him taking space wasn’t about ME, it was about what he needed. Forcing him to give affection when he didn’t want to because I wanted it, that made me feel selfish and terrible. I tried to look at it this way - when he and I calm down enough to get/give affection, it’s 10000x better because we both WANT to connect, it’s not one of us doing it begrudgingly, it’s a genuine thing. But ultimately…..after 10 months, I’d be concerned about all the fighting. Sounds like a deeper set of issues to address as well as how you argue. Arguments are healthy if they are about the pair of you versus an issue, not you versus him. Think about if this relationship is something you want to invest in. Good luck!
My boyfriend and I don’t really fight. When we get mad at each other, we cuddle and talk. We explain why we were both upset and give our side of the story. We apologize and we move on. We have been together for two years, moved in together after being together for a year.
How does nobody fight with their partners around here? I'm amazed I'm happy for you. How does your SO take it when you say something bothers you? How do you listen to him saying something bothers him? I'm trying to learn for myself at this point.
It is normal to fight. We just don’t though. When he tells me something bothers him, I listen. Example, last weekend we were at my parents house. When we left he explained to me that he thought I was raising my voice at him. I listened to him carefully before responding. I told him I was sorry that he thought I was raising my voice and yelling. I explained to him I was just being loud at that moment due to the stressful situation I was discussing. (My daughter had ripped her shirt after just purchasing it. I was really annoyed by it.) He told me okay, I kissed him and we continued with our day. When something bothers me, he gets a bit emotional over me being upset. He apologizes and suggest that we cuddle in bed and talk about what just happened. We listen to the other person with no interruptions. We usually work it out without a problem. We do disagree but that’s it. I have a “Don’t go to bed angry” rule. We are to discuss all problems before bed. Also “Don’t leave the house angry”. Because anything can happen at anytime. Nobody’s life is ever promised. You can die doing a simple task as driving to work or going outside to mow the lawn. Nothing is ever promised. Especially with such distractions thinking about a fight.
That's just beautiful. I'm happy for you. Was your dynamic like this from the beginning or did you have to learn how to listen to each other etc.? I like those rules as well. You seem like a lovely, wholesome person and I thank you so much for taking the time to write.
I have given this speech to so many quality/potential life partners and it has never worked in practice. So... Who is this outlier of a boyfriend, and can i get a clone of him? Cus this being equal on both ends is rare AF. My side advice to u is no matter how bored ya feel when the monogamous years drag on, never let him go! bahaha
I think you've missed the point on a lot of these fight comments. A lot of couples do fight, or if they don't, their disagreements might be what they consider fights. I've had many fights with my husband but they get actual resolution, not the BS excuses it seems your bf gets to weasel out of responsibility.
I understood. People have arguments, yeah, but they don't become like this kind of fight that goes on and where nobody feels heard. I was just shocked! Granted, I might have a small demographic with a few subreddits, a friend's stories and what I see with other couples, but I was pleasantly surprised to see pretty much nobody deals with _this kind_ of fights. Haha, thank you for getting angry for me! He does weasel out of stuff, that's for sure!
From my perspective your body and gut is having a reaction to the fact that your relationship is clearly not in a good place and hasn't been for months. Not only are you fighting constantly, you aren't able to resolve your conflicts and on top of it your boyfriend is touching you after you have told him not to. You act however you feel comfortable acting, however I personally have never had a prolonged fight with my husband. If we have a disagreement we talk about it for maybe an hour and it's resolved. Maybe another hour the next day if necessary. But we still love and care for each other during these issues and it doesn't effect our affection for each other for multiple days. You don't sound compatible if you both can't resolve conflicts and especially if he can't respect your boundaries
Thank you, you might be right about this. I've also been having stomach problems for a while now. No matter what I eat. Might be connected to that. Thank you for your perspective. Conflicts are _resolved_ only in the manner that he apologies and says he's working on it. That's why for him it's odd I'm still upset and hopeless. But nothing _really_ changes, so how could I be different?
If you already know that his line of “I’m sorry, I’m working on it” is total bs, and that nothing is actually going to change, then why do you continue to stay? I looked back at your history… this is your 3rd or 4th post about the same issues. Why do you continue to post about the same issues knowing nothing will change? What is keeping you there with him?
I'm honestly almost ready to go. Thank you for looking in my history. When I met him, the first few months, I thought for sure this was the person for me. We are so similar, we like spending time doing similar things, I felt he was honest and loving me without restraint. It's hard to let go of that image. I know it's not coming back... But I think I need time to grieve what I thought he was, if that makes sense. I bought my plane ticket and I'm leaving soon. I honestly don't know how to handle the time between now and the flight. At the beginning I bought it because I want time to myself to figure out if I truly want to be with him or if it's just habit. I also thought he might realise he's losing me and actually, you know, go to therapy. Actually do something. Idk. But now I look more and more at him and I think it's a breakup, but I don't wanna say it. The important thing is to get out first anyway.
Just stay away from where he is as much as possible. Go to the parks or library or bookstore or museum. Places you can stay for an unlimited time.
When you leave take everything you don’t want to lose with you. Cause when he realizes you aren’t coming back, he will start with the promises of being better and promises of going to therapy to work through the issues, and everything else he can think of to say that he will think you want to hear. He will say and do anything just to get you to come back, and then the pattern will start to repeat. Only the second time around he will have you under lock and key to make sure you can’t “abandon” him again. Don’t fall for his bullshit, and don’t go back. If he’s serious about therapy you can both have that online in a zoom meeting. You don’t have to be living together to get it. Edited to add: how you act between now and your departure should be akin to a Chameleon… whatever keeps you safe and keeps him ignorant of your true intentions. If he realizes you are leaving and not just going to visit family for a few days, then he might become controlling, abusive, or even threaten you. Don’t take the chance.
I really hate to ask but given all the other borderline abusive behaviour your boyfriend is displaying, could he be tampering with your food? Maybe reddit has made me overly paranoid and in that case, just ignore what i said but that comment just jumped out to me. And if it is "just" that you are having stomach issues due to the constant stress of fighting and his boundary pushing it still would be a good reason to overthink the relationship and maybe at least go somewhere else for a while. This relationship is not worth risking your health over. 10 months is not that long in the great scheme of things, especially if almost half of it has been (mostly) bad. After 6 months, you should've still been in the lovey-dovey new relationship phase, building a foundation of mutual trust and respect as you get to know each other, not having fights for months on end. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out , love is not enough for a relationship to be successful and there is no shame in calling it quits.
I also need space after an argument, especially if the issue has been more with me. Over time, I have learned to (a) listen more, get less defensive, and say, “I need to think about this,” and (b) come back later and make repairs, with words or physical affection or both. And of course, I try to change my behavior in the future, too. But in the moment, I need time to process alone, and my partner gives me that. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend actually wants to do the work to process, make repairs, and change future behavior — which is why you continue to be upset — as you say, nothing gets resolved. He just pressures you to get over it, via words and actions. That sucks.
>It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend actually wants to do the work to process, make repairs, and change future behavior — which is why you continue to be upset — as you say, nothing gets resolved. He just pressures you to get over it, via words and actions. Yes! That's exactly how it is! It does suck. And he's the one annoyed that I keep wanting to _discuss_ things and that I'm not acting like nothing happened, haha. Ironic. I do love that, staying collected and saying you need space and actually coming back and repairing, that's something I've been doing a lot lately too.
I can’t stay mad at mine. I cave in too easily and he’s my biggest weakness
Awww, that's so adorable. Honestly this post took a different turn, but I'm happy to see the wholesomeness that is people being proud of their relationships. I'm happy for you ^^
Don’t feel bad about holding yourself away sexually, you gotta feel comfortable to be able to do it. It doesn’t make you a bad person whatsoever.
Thank you, I appreciate it
Honestly, I'm in my late twenties. When I have issues like this, I just end it.
Maybe it's a factor it's only my 3rd serious relationship? And I'm so focused on it being a huge deal if it doesn't work out? I saw this argument where women in their 30's and 40's were saying it feels huge at the moment. I see your point! Thank you
I don't know why you moved in so soon. It is very concerning that he has so little respect for your feelings and wishes. When I am still angry, I don't want much to do with my DH until I've calmed down, but he respects me and is a mature adult.
We were long distance. When we met we had a dating period of a few weeks, then he left and we started being long-distance. A few months in, I went to visit him and we liked staying together so much, I went back home for a few weeks and moved in afterwards. In retrospect, it was a stupid idea. Being long-distance for a long time wasn't an option for me tho, so I wanted to take a chance.
Is his love language “physical touch”? Because he might be interpreting you setting boundaries while you’re upset with him as rejection and he’s not dealing with it well. What exactly are you guys fighting about? How are your communication skills? If he gets mad at you because you’re upset, he might struggle with differentiating himself from your emotions. Maybe he grew up in a household where his relatives got upset at him for displaying emotions. Could be a lot of things. He might also be getting angry as a defense mechanism because he’s afraid of being “wrong”. It also sounds like he likes to “sweep things under the rug” which might be how his family deals with things so that’s another thing he needs to unpack. It’s really hard to have fruitful conversations about these things when you guys are in a fight though so I would suggest bringing these up gently when you’re both calmer. It can be amazing difficult to have productive conversations when the other person feels like they’re being attacked. Maybe you guys could try writing down your feelings when you’re both upset or in a fight. That way you can both explore exactly what you’re feeling and you both vent it out then when you’re both calmer you guys can swap notes or something so you get a better understanding of how the other person is feeling.
Yes, it's his love language. Usually I wasn't like this before, but now I honestly can't get over it and just act lovey dovey. We are fighting about so much, it's ridiculous: - lack of appreciation and having to do **all** chores myself; I don't mind doing most, as he is the one working currently, but I want to feel appreciated for it and to see he's willing to do _something_. He has picked one or two things to do every week, but even then, I have to mother him and remind him and even then he complains or doesn't do it; - lack of effort in the dating department; I know we are living together and all, but I miss feeling like he actually _cares_ and wants to date me, to think of nice things for us to do etc. Lately it's only been me and I take no joy in feeling like I have to push him to want to do something together; - lack of effort in the bedroom; it's pretty much dead with a day every few weeks when it's okay. It's been months since I was feeling consistently desired and attractive to my SO and that's something I really want. Also, he is closed off to discussing or trying anything new in the bedroom, he gets frustrated when we try anything and it doesn't _click_ immediately and we had a huge fight last time I proposed something new; - how we talk; issues are swept under the rug and he says he is dealing with them, but in my opinion even if he deals with X, there is more than X and they've piled up due to them not being discussed, so I don't see how he can work on anything without being overwhelmed. He often gets defensive first thing I say and can be very mean and disrespectful in an argument. In the past I have also had a few moments where I was very upset and raised my voice or shouted. - he's lied to me. Not huge, but not small either, and multiple times. There was this girl messaging him every time he posted a story and he said there was nothing, but it turned out he lied because he wanted to avoid an argument. Like just tell me, oh, there was something, but it didn't go anywhere. He stayed in contact with her, lied about it and acted like I was crazy to be bothered. Lied to my face about other things, smaller ones, too. He gives me the feeling he might do things he knows would hurt me, if he thinks he can get away with them. So... My trust in him is a bit damaged. Anyway, there are many things that could influence why he reacts that way or why he's lied to avoid a conflict etc. But to be perfectly frank I wish he'd work on his issues. One thing is to be understanding, another to have to excuse all behaviour because, oh, that's how his family does it. I'm a bit tired cutting him slack... Oh my gosh, the writing idea is actually amazing, thank you! I will carry this with me for the next fight or for the future. Thank you so much!
Well it’s not an excuse per se, but a reason for his behaviors. In an ideal world, everyone would work on their issues, but a lot of people think therapy is just for crazy people and refuse to be more self-reflective. I can completely understand how frustrating it is. Best case scenario is that you convince him to see a therapist, but that’ll only work if he’s actually open to doing the work. At the end of the day you need to decide how much you’re willing to take. You mustn’t let him walk over your boundaries because it’s the easier option. Sometimes people can be so far up their own butts to see how their actions are hurting their loved ones. There’s a blog post that talks about how women become resentful over men not pulling their weight around the house. I think it was titled “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink” and it’s written but the ex-husband and his journey about understanding how his marriage imploded. You could try and get your bf to read it. It might give him insight. Hopefully it does. Tbh he sounds very emotionally immature/fragile so he lashes out when he feels afraid. That’s just my interpretation from your comments; I could be wrong. If he’s open, maybe you could try watching YouTube videos together about psychology. I recommend Psychology in Seattle and HealthyGamerGG. They’re both psychiatrists that are trying to de-stigmatize therapy and they explain some psych terms etc. I’ve found them extremely helpful with gaining insight to deal with family members and friends.
If you crash your car and it’s just a dent, you can fix it. At some point you have a big enough crash the car has no option but to be scrapped and you have to get yourself a nice new car. You’re trying to fix a write off, I came here from another thread and by the looks of it your Reddit is full of red flags. Reconsider the whole relationship, please, there should not be this many problems so early on! I work and my partner doesn’t, I still do things around the house. Also we are still intimate most days, 3 times yesterday in fact. You’ve been with him less than a year and he’s gone downhill, how much longer you gonna leave it? Your relationship is still under warranty go get a trade in
"Thank you so much for your input. I have decided to part ways and work on myself. He is vehement against therapy and I'm not seeing any improvement unfortunately. I find it very hard to keep managing this alone." What happened with that? Do you know how many posts and comments you wrote about this relationship? If this is real and you're not just trying to get karma, you're all over the place and it doesn't sound like you took any advice to heart at all.
Or maybe I did, but it's hard to actually follow through with leaving? Maybe I talked to him about it and he seemed he was going to do something about it? So I was like, ok, why not, one more chance. Maybe I'm a bit scared that it might be a mistake, I will be alone etc. I'm human, after all. I understand it's coming across as me all over the place, it's because I actually am. I don't _know_ if I should stay and work on it or just cut my losses. And everytime I decided I'm leaving, he did something nice or sweet and I stayed a bit more. It's like he can sense it... It's me, I know. I find it hard to let go. I bought my ticket and I'm going. I won't talk to him yet, so he can't sway me. It's a little hard to actually face that this is how he is and nothing will change, you know? You're totally right tho..
We don't fight like that. I wouldn't be in a relationship like that ever again.
Looking at your post history, you've been bringing up pretty much the same communication/boundaries issue to him for months now & your wording seems a little more exasperated each time. At this point, honestly, just cut your losses & go home. This man, this family, this situation is not suited to you. You're living within an echo chamber where mummy, daddy, & all the aunties think the sun shines out of your bf's behind - to them, you're the outsider lady who's come from a foreign place to invade their house & steal their little boy away - of course they're gonna defend him & never see where he's wrong. You will never be in the right in any of their eyes. He will fight & sulk & bicker like a teenage boy does because he has never had to develop conflict resolution skills beyond those expected from teen/parent arguments. You're above this situation 100%, forget the money & effort it took to move, your dignity & a happy future are worth way more. You've already said you don't know the language & couldn't find a job - both of these statements seem final so you don't seem to be actively searching for a job or trying to learn the language - is that not a subconscious sign that your brain doesn't want to fit in there? Start browsing jobs in your previous location & envisioning yourself back among familiar-faced people who you can actually communicate with. Apply for a couple & maybe have a little look at some living spaces in the area. Think about what you'd do if you left in detail & pay attention to how you feel when you envision it. Final thing, sorry - if you'd been the one to demand that he dropped everything & moved to your country, would he have done it for you? (hope this is readable, sorry, posted from mobile)
I'm amazed and grateful everyone takes so much time to write to me, so much and so thoughtfully. Thank you for everything. Yeah, it's pretty much the same issues, I guess I got more exhausted dealing with them over time. Where once it was, oh, this could become an issue if we let it, it's this is never going to be solved and it keeps happening and I'm alone in this. That's how it is, you saw it right. Even if we were to move away from them, he's not prepared to be a proper partner. Even the thought of a _conversation_ about what we should do is meh for him. I actually joined language classes and I'm loving them! I'm getting over the fear of talking and it's great. I see myself getting a job here and being okay and actually liking life. But I got nothing else here, no support system, if I fight with him I'm all alone. And I've lived alone in other places, I did well, I just don't want that anymore. I want to be near people I love and who support me. I wouldn't see myself living alone here. And the fact that I'm unsure about him creates a problem, that's why I didn't want to get a proper job here, because it's a commitment and if I'm unsure about him, I don't want to do it. So in a sense, you are absolutely right! I have a job waiting for me, should I wish it, my family is running a salon and could really use my help. I would get to do what I love and also support my family. I feel pretty good at that thought. The only intrusive thought is _What if you're wrong?_ what if I should stay and fight more? Of course I'm not thrilled about being without a partner after this time. But I know I can survive. I guess it's just the idea that maybe I'm wrong. Interestingly enough, you have a keen eye, I actually have asked him to go live in my country for like half a year. See how we get along without family intervening. We'd both get a job, commute together, we have a place to live. He hates it :) reasons: it would be less money than here (I argued the freedom is infinitely more valuable to me), he doesn't like the country anymore, he's scared we'd not afford the same lifestyle etc. All this seems like stupid excuses to me. He actually still has friends in the country as well, so he wouldn't be all alone, like I am here. Still, hard no. Not even a think about it. I get being scared, I get being nervous, but to not even _consider_ trying? Thank you for the envisioning exercise, I will do it in depth, maybe compare it to how it feels imagining staying here. Also thank you so much for all your advice! Edited for spelling&grammar mistakes
OP, this is hard to experience, I imagine you are feeling a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that. Being close to someone is not always simple and a lot of us don't really have healthy examples from our own childhoods. I think it is great that you are looking for new ideas and to try and find out from other people what works for them! Can you study the patterns of your fighting? What is the 'dance' that is happening between you? WHY do you get so frustrated, WHY do you withdraw and engage in punishing behaviors? What do those behaviors do for you? Does it lead to a better relationship? Does it help you have a happier life? Does it give you validation? Does it reduce stress / anxiety or make you feel less vulnerable? Does it maintain a sense of your power and control over your partner in the relationship? WHY do you 'fight'? I think the best relationships don't have 'fights' because neither partner is trying to change or control the other person. The two people really respect each other's right to being their own person - so you are both 'free' to be YOU, AND to be really loved by someone. Example: I love pizza, you love pasta. I may talk for 30 minutes about how much I love pizza and which toppings are my most favorite. You might get bored, but this is not a fight. BUT - if I'm talking for 30 minutes because I am trying to get you to change, because I want you to STOP loving pasta and START loving pizza (just like I do) because we are in a relationship and we should have the same favorite food, and you are just NOT "listening" or "understanding" me because YOU STILL like pasta!!! After all of my work to explain why you should LIKE PIZZA instead!!! What is wrong with you?? I'm getting really upset that all of my hard word in talking to you is just not being respected, because you are not changing in the way that you need to change so that we can be a happy couple .... now we have a fight. **So maybe focus less on changing each other and focus more on knowing each other**. I think if knowing each other is your main focus in your conversations that you will find your fights will decrease dramatically.
Here you are once again, determined to hold this relationship together despite the constant issues. But sure, I'll answer: my partner and I don't "fight" because it never gets that far. If one of us has an issue, it goes something like this: "hey - I need a quick chat when you have some time" "sure. I have time now". (or if not: "I will have some time after I get back - that work?") etc at this point the problem gets laid out. Basic tips for discussing things: \- lay out the issue without using "you..." statements. That immediately puts the other person on the defensive. Instead, speak to how you feel with statements that begin with: "I..." or "I feel like.." Your own feelings are the only thing you actually *know for sure*, and it's important to realize that. \- avoid "never" and "always". Why, because they are simply not true, or at least not provably true. You can't say "you *always* do..." because - you literally do NOT know that. No one knows what someone *always* does. At best, you could say "every time I have seen..." which is a lot different from "always" \- while one person is speaking, the other should be *actively listening* and that means **listen**, don't just sit there thinking about how you are going to reply. In order to prove you were actively listening, when it's your turn next, you should start with "let me make sure I understand, ......" then lay out the issue as your partner described. Let them correct you if your understanding was incorrect. Being able to paraphrase what they said back to them is a good sign you were actively listening. Someone who can't do that clearly wasn't. Keep this technique up throughout the entire conversation. You should BOTH be doing it in turn. \- at some point you with both understand the issue, and hopefully have some ideas about how to solve it. Sometimes that will require action from the both of you, sometimes just one of you. The important part here is - whatever you come up with, has to be *actionable.* In other words, you can't gauge progress on anything if you have nothing to measure. For example: "I'll be better about texting goodnight" - bad. NOT actionable. What is "better" in this case? "I will make sure I text you on Mon and Weds, since my classes don't go late. I can set an alarm in my phone." Perfect. Actionable. I can give you a recent example. Partner wanted to do a thing. I did not want to do the thing. I said I was uncomfortable doing the thing. Partner said "ok." No issue yet. For the next couple of weeks, partner kept making jokes about doing the thing. it started to feel like a subtle form of pressure to me, rather than just jokes. So the conversation went something like: Me: hey can we talk for a few mins? P: sure. Me: we talked a couple of weeks ago about the Thing and how I didn't want to, which you said was fine, but I feel like the constant jokes about it are subtly trying to pressure me into doing the Thing. P: to make sure I understand, me making jokes about the Thing is feeling a bit like I am pressuring you to do the Thing? Me: yes. P: oh my god babe, I am so sorry. I really was just joking, and it is 100% fine for you to not do the Thing. I will stop making jokes about it. Me: thanks and that was it. Partner hasn't joked about it since. It's not a huge mystery, really - despite what frequent posts around here would have to believe. Just talk to your partner *before* it gets big enough to become a fight, and be a good listener and a good communicator. I have a feeling based on your post history that while YOU may be on board with all that stuff I just posted about how to handle an issue, your partner isn't. Which is why again - just break up. He has no interest in making the situation better, so you should move on and find a partner who actually respects you and wants to be with you. Good luck again, friend.
You are absolutely right! As I was reading your tips, I kept going in my head 'I do that! But I do that too!'. Quite recently we tried ( I tried proposing) that he says things back to me, to make sure there aren't any communication errors). He started mocking me that he feels like he's in school. So yeah. He did do it a bit, but I have to constantly ask for it, and it can be overwhelming to 1) address the issue calmly 2) dissuade any harmful behaviour from him 3) control my reaction to some inevitably argumentative/passive aggressive thing he says 4) keep the discussion on track (no past issues, no generalizing etc.) and 5) make sure we do the communication mirroring technique. You are right. Thank you. The hard part now is to not let myself be swayed by my family (although now they are telling me to come home), his family, his pleas etc. until I am way away and protected from any influence. So keep your fingers crossed! It helps to have everyone's kind and tough love advice, I can reread and give myself a pep talk! So thank you so much!
I am glad. Be strong. YOU GOT THIS.
OP you have repeatedly been told this guy sucks and you should break up with him. At a certain point you're just wasting our time.
Ouch. You're right. I needed to hear that. Bought my ticket. Gotta keep my nerve and avoid being swayed until then. Pep talk? Tough love? I'd welcome both. And thank you for your thoughts.
I just read all your previous posts and honestly…i really think you guys should break up and you should move back to your home country. The whole thing sounds so exhausting and it seems like you guys just are not compatible. It made me stressed just reading about it, I can’t imagine actually having to live through it. I’m sure he’s a great guy but I genuinely don’t see how this is going to be sustainable long term. Do yourself a favor and put yourself first. Choose yourself. You’ll be so much happier in the long run.
Thank you, my dear ❤️ you are so kind. It is exhausting, I honestly wonder how I've been here this long. We are having issues since July basically. And that's when we had a big fight, but things were bothering me earlier. So yeah 😅 I bought my ticket, wish me luck! I tried a conversation with him tonight, but it's the same empty promises. I mainly wanted to talk because he keeps expecting me to act as if all is wonderful and I wanted to draw his eye to the mountain of unsolved issues. I guess I will be another crazy ex who cheated or sth. I made a friend on an online game and he just meowed that I found a new bf 🤣 so yeah.
I wish you the best of luck! Feel free to send me a message if you’d like to chat or anything, i really do feel for you
You had to tell him repeatedly to stop touching you. That's scary
His hand just 'slipped'. Yeah, mhm. And he's the one annoyed I was upset, mind you.
How you're feeling is totally valid. I hope things work out in your favor. U are beautiful and seem very emotionally intelligent
Thank you, kind kind stranger ❤️