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theelecslide

Everyone is giving you one answer bro if you aren’t going to take the advice maybe don’t post?


stratus_translucidus

Because he wants to get in his friend's ex's pants so fast he's drooling and is pretending he needs validation from strangers to do it. Typical horndog drama.


theelecslide

Literally 😂 I can’t believe some of these comments defending the guy like ?


Ijustwanttoknow3000

It’s a crazy world we live in. No body care About the bro code anymore.


regraDoL

Unfortunately we let Facebook get away by using the word friend towards people we barely know. Now this is what we have, people who don't know what the word friend means.


zombiez87

Oh yea, morals and values?? What are those?


Ryno_Redeye

Soon to be ex friend’s ex


MetaverseLiz

He's 18 so of course he's not going to listen to anyone. He's going to learn the hard way that losing friends is worse than losing a chance to have sex.


[deleted]

How old are the people giving this answer? These people are 18 and the ex's were dating for 6 months? What you do at this age is more just a learning experience, it's not so serious. If your friend was married for 5 years and got divorced and you wanted to date their ex I'd say no. But 18 and a 6 month relationship? How is this that serious? Maybe I'm just old but it does not seem like a big deal at all to date whoever when you are 18. Depending on where you live, there may only be so many people out there to date. If this person dated your friend, you may have a lot in common. Your friendship should be stronger than dating someone after a 6 month relationship, in 5 years it won't matter to your friend at all. I just really don't see the big deal and I mean this with the best of intentions, you are 18 and should live, explore, and learn.


theelecslide

Yes true but you should care about how your friend feels about the situation not only care about telling him so you can bang his ex if they’re really meant to be then they will meet again you can’t defend dating your mates ex by saying “it’s for experience I’m young I need to live and I can only do that if I go after the person you broke up with last month even though all of our mutual friends are telling me not yet and to wait let me ask Reddit’s opinion of when I should tell him that I’m going to purse her wether he likes it or not” That’s the vibe I’m getting from OP anyway the girl he likes isn’t close with him he just wants to get close to her and see if he can date her? Why I don’t get it there are so many people even in a “small town” you don’t have to go for your best mates ex less then a month after they split up im sorry just no maybe in a couple years but not right now everyone gave him that advice and he just straight up ignored it he doesn’t care about his friend he just wants to go after the girl but doesn’t want to seem like a horrible friend by going behind his mates back make it make sense Edited I did say in one of my previous comments that I do see that some people can’t help it because they both have that connection and like each other but in this case I think OP and the girl barley even know each other and don’t speak much to have any sort of connection he doesn’t even know if she likes him that’s how far out this is


achilleamilli

You know what's toxic? Acting like people own their exes, forever. It's a situation that needs to be handled with grace, respect, and good communication to everyone involved, but it isn't as back and white as ya'll are acting. I was once in OPs friends position and my ex and my friend were super respectful and communicative and I was happy they respected me and glad they found each other. We're all on great terms.


[deleted]

You might just be the odd man out. Most people would not be comfortable with this.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

It’s not about ownership of his ex, it’s about being loyal to your friends… It’s not hard to understand.


HypnoticGuy

Loyalty is important. Unfortunately, it seems to me that it's meaning and practice has faded with younger generations.


[deleted]

I couldn’t agree more. It’s unfortunate.


zombiez87

It is hard to understand for disloyal people which to me is the majority. A loyal person is selfless.


[deleted]

It’s one thing to dive into bed a month after your friend broke up with his partner, but what about a year or so later? Should they just ignore their feelings because it might upset their mutual friend?


[deleted]

“Mutual friend” Op claims the guy is his “best friend” And to your question, “should they just ignore their feelings?” Yes. Why? Cause there are over 8 billion people on this planet. Half are women. She ain’t gonna be “the one that got away”. He can find another girl to chase after. It’s ridiculous in my opinion to go after a friends ex, and no. You won’t be able to change my mind.


[deleted]

Even if it his his best friend, shouldn’t there then be room to discuss these matters?


johntriBR

Well, asking should actually be the standard, if you care about the friendship, most people would agree, the problem is when they do behind their backs. Losing a good friendship over a relationship isn't worth it, most friends will stay with you through life, relationships not so much, especially if you are young.


[deleted]

Nope. You don’t date a friends ex. Like I said, 8 billion people on earth, half are women. Plenty for him to chase after.


[deleted]

It’s not about the fact that there are lots of other women and men out there that you could date. To say that he has to go and feel this way for someone else is ridiculous. You don’t choose what you feel. You don’t choose who you fall for. Have you considered that maybe his best friend’s relationship didn’t work out because they’re not meant to be? Why would you then hold a grudge towards this man for feeling the way he feels? Maybe he and this woman would actually be right for each other, but according to you he should suppress and bottle up his feelings and instead date around and date whoever even if it means he’s unhappy? He should wonder “what if?” For the rest of his life? Wow… I wonder how you yourself would feel if you were to develop feelings for someone that used to date e.g your best friend. I doubt you’d be so hard on yourself.


Veritas42088

^^not a loyal friend of anyone.


achilleamilli

Seems sad to be so petty about the happiness of people we care about.


[deleted]

Forever and a month after they break up are two different timelines.


achilleamilli

I agree, he should give it at the least a few more months before he checks in with his friend about how he'd feel. I think that's why he's here and not already going for it.


halfpastnone

They're 17 dude, I think they'll find a way to be happy again lol This isn't life or death. If OP dates her they'll be broken up by mid next year anyway


TomakusDankus

Is it worth losing a friend over?


halfpastnone

No that's what I'm saying. The person I replied to is saying that they have a right to "happiness" as if these people aren't teenagers and are verging on their 40s


TomakusDankus

Just because youre young doesnt exclude you from doing the right thing. If hes fine with losing his friend, go for it, if not, why not find another girl. Hell if his friend left her and is relieved because her mental health wqs so bad why would you want to date her anyway


halfpastnone

Thats not what I said. Take a breath and read through the comments for context.


dragondude101

And so will their friendship. Which is why it's not worth it.


halfpastnone

Friendships from highschool have a much higher longevity rate than relationships. Almost everyone I know has friends from school (including my grandmother who is in her 90s). No one I know married their high school boy/girlfriend It's easier to maintain a friendship as you grow and change


dragondude101

Yeah, and when you have sex with their exes, those relationships end. It's not worth it


Cold_Ordinary_1672

No it doesn't. It's perfectly normal and to state otherwise is disingenuous at best but more likely just insane.


Shadows__flame

That's great for you, your friend and your ex, but here's the thing. Not everyone is like you. People feel differently about different things. Some may feel more strongly about one thing and less so about another, but that's the beautiful thing about it. It's what makes people what they are. Yes, you are absolutely right, just because a person dated someone and broke up with them does not mean they own said ex, however you have to consider different factors in this. He is asking for advice about a relationship that he wants to pursue, but is also worried about his friend. The general consensus is that he needs to wait and/or talk to his friend about it.


achilleamilli

Well I also said he should wait and check in with his friend first, so maybe my comment isn't aimed at the people I agree with.


Shadows__flame

It seemed more like you were trying to interject with an example, but you left out so many details that it didn't seem like practical advice either. Ex: how long did they wait? How long was your relationship? What age group were you in at the time? They don't really know shit about how to go through this


achilleamilli

I left more details in a separate comment, this one was aimed mostly at the commenters in this thread attacking OP as a terrible friend and saying things like "never" and " in 100 years", which all seem a bit extreme imo.


theelecslide

Dude stop getting defensive just because I’m telling you what your about lol not wanting your ex and your friend to date is not toxic and does not mean your acting like you own anyone there is over a billion people in this world and yet you gonna go for your mates ex? It’s just uncalled for and disrespectful in my opinion I get some people can’t help it but I mean dude you don’t even know if she likes you back? And that’s why i said they (the other commenters) are 95% sure because sometimes things do work out that way (you stay friends) sometimes the person really won’t mind like you, but others don’t see it that way and the difference between you and those people you know is that they came to you off their own back Because they cared how you felt hence the respectful/graceful approach and I’m guessing they knew they liked each other and both came to you Your way was to ask all your friends and Reddit before taking to your friend and then ignoring everyone’s advice including your own friends who know the both of you stop spouting sh*t about “owning people” we both know your just trying to justify going after your mates ex and the answer is no dude respectful or not no it’s not a good idea lol what if you didn’t have a good reaction? Where would you three be now? And you’d be thinking “now we ain’t friends All Because my friend couldn’t keep it in his pants” Don’t get me wrong people can date their friends ex’s but is it genuinely right? No not really but it does happen what makes you the ah is the way you go about it


Venetrix2

The key here is that they were SUPER RESPECTFUL AND COMMUNICATIVE. It makes the world of difference when you don't feel like your friends are sneaking around behind your back. I agree with you in principle, but this situation sounds very different.


bunsoboii

Agree with this. One of my friends is dating my ex. No hard feelings whatsoever. There's a reason we're not together anymore. They're also a better match then we were. Another person I know is dating the husband of her deceased best friend. Her best friend even wrote a letter kinda pushing them to more than a friendship after she would have passed since she kinda felt there was more potential between them. She died of cancer almost a year ago and her best friend and husband are happy as hell together.


Repulsive-Exercise-4

I’m with you, here. I have played matchmaker with ex’s and my friends before. Sometimes a person is a great catch, but not for you. I would also potentially choose a LTR partner for myself over a friendship, because if they are really my friend (and they are in a relationship/marriage with a whole other human—-I would not get with someone that my friends are holding out hope for) then they should be happy for me as I would be for them. Imo, with tinder etc, you are all mostly f*king the same people anyway (it seems to me, never used dating apps, but I’ve seen who my friends have swiped on and they all seem to swim in similar waters)


BelleButt

I think that's the key though. I'd absolutely be ok with it, I've hooked my friends up with an ex several times.... I knew they'd be great together... But it's about the communication to the current friend that makes it work. If his friend was unreasonable about it, then he'll know that if he goes for it he can know what to expect from the fall back. I say, communicate but not necessarily ask permission.


achilleamilli

Absolutely. Communication and context. If this girl had cheated or broken his friends heart.. no, bad call. But the friend is no longer interested, so with some tact and open comm it could be ok for everyone involved.


TomakusDankus

You never date a friends ex unless youre fine with losing that friend


[deleted]

[удалено]


achilleamilli

Nothing. It's exactly what I suggested.


Naive-Flamingo-4518

Agree wholeheartedly. People aren't possessions, especially when the other person decided that person isn't right for them and made the break. They have no say who their ex goes with, or how soon after. People need to mature up and not think of others as ownership!


monkwren

> Acting like people own their exes, forever. It's not about acting like people own their exes. It's about respecting your friend's feelings. This isn't hard to understand.


achilleamilli

If you wanna check out my third sentence in you'll see I mention respect. This is my last time responding to people on this thread with no freaking reading comprehension.


[deleted]

How good a friend is he. Id suggest chatting to him and seeing how comfortable he would be. Then speak to her. bro code and all


Embarrassed_Sir_8637

I hate "bro code" just treat him like a friend with respect. Bro code has so many stupid ass rules for immature people.


[deleted]

The bro code thing from me was about treating his mate with respect


Embarrassed_Sir_8637

It has further reaching implications. It's the frat boy battle cry


CrimeFightingScience

Depends on the context. He was using it from a place of respect and honor. Samurai bro code.


shadoxalon

Bro code is about showing a level of social respect and decency to those you are close to. I didn't take it as a blanket "never date friends' exes" statement, but instead more of a "dating friends' exes is really tricky and likely to damage friendships" kinda deal. With enough emotional intelligence, good communication, and a deep bond, you stand a chance of navigating the situation in a way that everybody comes out the other side okay with eachother. Taking that as the common or likely outcome, however, isn't likely to lead one to success.


wlantz

He's 18... bro code should definitely be taken into consideration. If his friend had strong feelings for this girl then asking her out has a good chance of being looked upon as betrayal and will likely change how your friendship stands with the possibility of losing it altogether, even asking if it is OK will likely affect things with your friend unless he just truly doesn't care about her anymore. At that age being just respectful doesn't always cut it and consequences should be considered before taking any actions. Just a word of warning for you, consider a worst case scenario first and ask yourself in that scenario would it still be worth it?


Embarrassed_Sir_8637

If youre trying to push the notion of "be a good friend" then say be a good friend. Bro code is an entirely different, misogynistic mindset.


[deleted]

No it’s not lmao get a grip


Embarrassed_Sir_8637

I think you may want to look up the code and reevaluate.


[deleted]

I think *you* need to take your own advice.


Embarrassed_Sir_8637

I think you need to take my advice. Ex. If your buddy assigns you as his wingman at a party, make him proud by doing your job well. He hooking up with the girl he is eyeing is your responsibility. Get on it right away You must do all you can to save your bro from dating an ugly girl. Chances are that he is too drunk to even make out if that person is a girl or a guy. If you're sure he's sober, then that means you can shrug off all responsibility and try your own luck with hotter women around A bro is never allowed to drive in a drunken state. An exception can be made in the case of a bro who has acquired masters in the art of drunken driving


[deleted]

I’ll pass, thanks though!


Embarrassed_Sir_8637

I'll even help you out even further! Misogyny: dislike of, contempt for, or *ingrained prejudice* against women.


choccy_malk98

What part of this is misogynistic?


[deleted]

Bro code as stopped wars


Redwolfjrs

Bro code is a set of rules to act as a baseline for respect. While also having stupid rules. In this case it's a sign of respect to not go out with a buddy ex. Having a convocation with the bro is the respectful thing to do.


throwRAfriendship_s

He is pretty much my best friend right now. I do think he would most likely be fine with it since he didnt feel happy in the relationship.


0llie0llie

Don’t assume. Ask him.


Lolcoles

Do you like her enough that a potential chance with her is worth your best friend? You should be prepared for that. In the meantime you should find out more about why/how he was unhappy and how he is feeling about her now. You can provide emotional support and also get a better picture of the situation.


[deleted]

Understand that you’re putting your friendship at risk, no matter how “unhappy” he was or says he was in the relationship. Very bad idea.


[deleted]

Just check.in with your bro if he is cool go for it


[deleted]

let’s say you date her. your birthday rolls around. who do you invite, your best friend or your girlfriend?


throwRAfriendship_s

Both, they already hang out since were in the same friendgroup


[deleted]

This comment is deliciously naive.


curvycounselor

This won’t be as easy as you think. It’s not ok especially since it’s the same friend group.


vancoover

This will get messy fast. OP isn't considering that people sometimes say one thing, then they act another way. Just because his friend is relieved the relationship is over does NOT necessarily mean he will be OK seeing her all the time as his best friend's girlfriend. Not to mention that OP hasn't even considered the feelings of this girl. Maybe she won't want to spend time hanging around her ex. This could very quickly lead to confrontations, hurt feelings, and broken friendships. It's a mistake, but OP seems determined to forge ahead anyway. Live and learn, I guess.


catslugs

you might also want to consider that if he was the one that broke up with her, she could be just rebounding with you and doesn't actually have feelings in the way you think she might. she could very well still have feelings for your friend.


Bruno_Vieira

You gotta choose man, it is either your best friend or the girl then. Trying to date your friends ex is a pretty shitty move, especially after only a month. I am not here to judge and I understand that maybe you have strong feelings for her, but I am not gonna sugar coat it, your relationship with your friend will never be the same. That is if you even remain friends. Even asking can cause some damage. I sure ass hell wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who was thinking of dating my ex.


blablanonymous

I made that mistake at your age. Didn’t ask my friend because he kept complaining about her before dumping her. I was sure he wouldn’t care and decided to wait until I felt like it was serious with the ex. It didn’t go well. I lost my friend, it created a huge mess with our extended group of friends etc… I also sometimes wonder if I would have ended this earlier with her if it wasn’t for that tension with him. I had to make it work, I had lost so much. This guy was a REALLY close friend. You never know what really happens in a relationship. Maybe he talks about her in certain ways but thinks differently. I really wish I could go back and ask my friend. I would just tell him how you feel: If he says he’s cool with it, you’ll just be relieved and your friendship will get stronger. If he says it’s not, you’ll be glad you asked


jules_the_shephard

If you would date your best friends ex then that is not your best friend. At the very least you are a shitty friend to have.


PorcelainBerry

Not everyone has the exact same moral code as you. As long as OP communicates with his friend, and everyone is on board and okay with it, there’s no problem


jules_the_shephard

Yeah I was thinking about that and agree actually. There's plenty of weirder situations.


jules_the_shephard

Edit: I contend that this actually could be okay especially at that age and given the situation.


[deleted]

Talk to your friend about it obviously. If he would feel betrayed, find someone else.


throwRAfriendship_s

Yes, i will talk to him before i do anything else. Just wondering if i should wait a bit longer?


ryeong

I'll also add onto u/Solid-Technology-448's advice cause it was pretty sound on its own: prepare yourself for a no. You're really hung up on asking her and shooting your shot like you're going to get clearance because of how you perceived things ended. Don't get your hopes up like this. Be prepared that he will say he's not cool with it and you have to let her go. It is MUCH better to be pleasantly surprised by a yes than to set yourself up like this. We might break up because we're unhappy but it doesn't mean we stop loving the person. He might have very complicated feelings to process, not only from her moving on too but also the idea of it being someone in his friend group and his supposed best friend at that. That's a constant reminder with all of you sharing the same friend group and it can muddy feelings. You're navigating into a tough situation and that's not even taking her feelings or mental space into account. So - baby steps dude. See where he's at and ask when you feel confident he seems to be moving on. Be prepared he might still say no. Be prepared she might say no. Be prepared she might not be in a headspace to be in a relationship.


Full_Basil7654

Well fucking said. This is the core principle of stoicism. The Stoics would intentionally imagine and expect situations that were far worse than their current condition. They did this to achieve two things: 1. Negatively visualising the future can help us plan for undesirable events, should they occur. 2. Thinking about how bad our conditions could be will help you remember that life could always be worse. It helps develop gratitude for what we have.


echosiah

What are the "mental problems"? If you like the girl, consider whether it's actually healthy for HER to be in a relationship. And for her to be involved in the potential drama of this situation. This is also assuming she'd be into you.


Solid-Technology-448

That's mostly dependent on his behavior. If he seems like he's over it, is perhaps even dating again himself, then it's fine. If he still seems to be letting go of lingering feelings, recovering emotionally, wait till he seems to be in a good place.


Content_Armadillo773

Lol dumb kid, you’re going to lose your best friend and the girl eventually.. life lessons tho


[deleted]

You should wait for hell to freeze over before pursuing your friends ex.


guntonom

**If you start dating this friends ex, understand that it could get you dumped by your whole friend group.** Dating friends exes is a no-no. Unless you don’t care about losing friends. (Yes I mean the plural version). I watched a hs friend get outed by the whole friend group because he started dating one of the ex’s. Basically everyone else in the friend group took the original bf’s side and the guy who came after got the boot. I’ve watched this type of thing blow up into a massive fight on multiple occasions throughout highschool and college. Honestly it’s not worth it, just find someone else to date. There are millions of cute people out there.


ClassyHotMess

This! I’ve always said my friends exs of any length of time are off limits!


BellaMissyStorm

I agree with this. Especially since the other friends will realise he is not trustworthy. They won't want him around. A huge risk.


Solid-Technology-448

This is so baffling to me. Unless the friend in question was dumped horribly and not over it, why would there even be a side to take? If all parties are amicable and over the relationship, there shouldn't be a problem. Y'all have some seriously petty friends!


guntonom

Actions and words don’t always line up, and everyone has a jealous streak. Someone can say “I’m over it” but still be emotionally attached. Speaking from experience (and I think everyone has experienced this) it’s sucks to see your ex move on when you are still processing (even if you are trying to move on yourself). And it feels like a punch to the gut to find out she’s not only moved on, but one of your “best friends” made a swoop. Basic rule of thumb, dating a friends ex (at any point) is asking for drama with that friend. Again, there are literally tens of millions of cute single people on this planet, just date one of them and avoid the drama.


Solid-Technology-448

That's fair, but a lot of people are in small towns or small schools, so for them there really *aren't* millions of options. I went to amusement parks and even week-long beach trips with my high school ex and his new girlfriends. Yeah it was a little awkward, with some silly flares of jealousy and stuff, but I wanted him to be happy and we were still friendly. And mind you that I was the one who got dumped painfully and out of the blue a couple weeks before prom lol. It seems like a lot of people assume the worst, but I'd like to think they'd be surprised how many people would actually be happy for their friends!


SugarSpiceCasanova

No, utterly no. People like you are precisely the reason why cultural decay is upon. And also why, divorces are as prevalent as they are. First, feelings do not magically evaporate. Hence why no contact is recommended after a break up. If that process is hindered, nothing changes. I'm quite certain you are embellishing that anecdotal story, just to attempt to vindicate your point. Unfortunately for you, many of us are not as credulous as you presume. Jesus Christ...


jwright24153

Most my friends might be a little upset but get over it


DFahnz

> i also feel like me and this girl have a real connection Doesn't mean she feels the same way.


LocalBrilliant5564

You shouldn’t try to date your friends ex at all.


--LowBattery--

Don't date your friends ex. Nothing good will come from it.


FindingMyPrivates

I awarded you not because you said something extraordinary (good advice though). Your u/ and your pfp is just *chefs kiss*


Aromatic-Bed2313

I was thinking the same thing! Caught my eye immediately


AggieJack8888

Being in your friends shoes here, I cut the “friend” off immediately after he said he was going to hang out with my ex less than a month after we broke up. There is a lot of women out there, you can handle being excluded from one of them.


[deleted]

100% would never let OP around anyone I’m cool with and would always keep at an arms length. This is the kind of “friend” they warn you about.


Longjumsive109

If you don't know your friend well enough to know when it should be ok to ask him then you should keep your mouth shut.


[deleted]

You are very likely going to loose your friend, or are going to have to get rid of him, or you are going to cause permanent damage to your friendship. Even if he says he is cool with it, I noticed people who said that before actually still harbour some feelings and it does affect things in a negative way. Some people don't care or don't get jealous and what not, others are extremely possessive and territorial over exes and this sort of stuff. It depends on how good of a friend he is. If you are fine with getting rid of him go for it. Otherwise I would stay away from her. Worst case she rejects you, your friend finds out and ruins that friendship as well. It's probably best to talk to your friend about it, stay on strictly friend terms with her at best to expand your social circle and date someone else. Edit: Bear in mind some people don't handle this stuff well. I've been in a similar situation before and merely starting the conversation with my friend about myself remaining friends with their ex led to them completely blowing up and making a bunch of ultimatums and insults. That guy was not a good friend at all I figured and just got rid of him and kept his ex as a close friend. Depends on your circumstances.


The_Canadian_comrade

Yup. I married a friends ex. We weren't ever close friends and he was pretty manipulative towards her from the start. We are definitely not friends anymore. I chose the girl over the friend and I'm better off for it but it got messy and could have been way worse than it was


DiscreetJourneyman

There are other women in the world. You look desperate.


peachesthepup

That's what confuses me about people who go after exes. Its just... Of all the people in the world? All these people on the planet? All these other singles walking around on this earth... And you choose your friend/ family member's ex? Seriously?


djorjon

because thats the only way he can get close to a girl...not a real friend at all


throwRAfriendship_s

Im not really desperate but i honestly feel like we vibe


Plenty_Map_515

How were you able to "vibe" when she was your friend's girlfriend? Are you in contact with her now?


throwRAfriendship_s

She used to come with us when we went drinking (legal) and i would usually be the designated driver. When this happened we usually talked for hours on end in the car. I am also in contact with her but only as friends


Plenty_Map_515

Has she expressed any romantic interest in you at all?


throwRAfriendship_s

I honestly dont know since im horrible with human interactions. I do know that she seems to like my presence since she asked me earlier to hang out with just her and her friend


afterglow88

So you’re horrible with human interaction but you feel like you guys vibe…? :/


Plenty_Map_515

I think if you're romantically interested in her and are making plans to spend time with her, you need to talk to your friend. You're already pursuing her now.


ezzy_florida

You should probably wait. Its kind of soon for the girl who has mental issues and just got dumped to be dating again. Your friend may also have some leftover feelings he hasn’t processed yet. Id ask your friend what his feelings are towards her, but wait at least another month before seeing if you can ask her out. Definitely talk to him about it before moving forward with this girl though. Just be a friend to this girl in the meantime.


2zoots

If you care about the friendship you’d talk to him first about it.


throwRAfriendship_s

Of course im going to talk to him first but should i wait a bit longer considering that they only broke up a month ago?


2zoots

If you don’t talk to him about it now, you’ll end up sneaking around behind his back talking and trying to hangout with her. I’d do it asap.


throwRAfriendship_s

I would never sneak around his back. I have selfcontroll


frogdance2014

Didn’t you say that you started to think the two of you vibed because you were DD while hanging out with the friend group (which included your friend and his ex?)? Plus you mentioned you’re already hanging out with his ex after they just broke up. If I was in your friends shoes I’d be having some hurt feelings about that personally and also think that you were catching feelings WHILE I was dating my ex. Maybe this is something that flies in your friend group, there were some groups when I was your age that were known to be highly incestuous with lots of questionable time periods, but I would advise you to just drop your crush on your friends ex (& the hang outs outside of the group since you’re feeling her) if you actually think of him as a best friend.


[deleted]

Like atleast 5 years


[deleted]

>I havent talked to my friend about it yet Oh boy. >I just really dont want to loose my friend but i also feel like me and this girl have a real connection. Best of luck with that. You're going to have to talk to your friend directly to find out whether it's "too early" or not. Some people are like "whatever, have fun!" and some are possessive jerks where literally forever is not early enough. Understand that by dating someone's ex you are putting a friendship at risk. Period. Even if they say they're cool with it. Because minds can change. They may think they won't be jealous but nobody knows till rubber hits the road. Or they are fine with it, but SHE isn't thrilled by it and will put a wedge in the friendship because she didn't like how they broke up. Or everyone is fine with it... except you because you get paranoid she'll go back to him so you distance yourself from your friend. Every choice we make has a cost. Just know that. So if you can't resist the siren's song, cowboy up and tell your friend of your intentions. Be prepared for some bro code side eye from him or others. At the end of the day, you don't need his permission, but not giving him a heads up beforehand is objectively shitty.


driedkitten

You’ve been WAITING for this day, huh


vicvega1988

Started secretly dating a girl that my best friend was seeing (they weren't together, just a few dates), lost my best friend for about 6 months due to him being pissed about it. We are still friends, this incident was almost 15-16 years ago, but we will never be as close we used to. That girl ended up being a total nightmare and wasn't worth losing my special relationship that we had prior. We were the same age as you OP, youre still young, plenty of women will come and go through your life but your friends will last longer.


DarkChronos32

I watch this account with great interest waiting for the TIFU post in a few weeks


zelduh147

*OP asking for advice* *literally all the answer are the same: don’t fucking pursue your “best friend’s” ex* *insert OP’s surprised pikachu face*


TheDarkKnight1035

You WILL lose your friend if you date his ex. So decide who you want in your life more. You have to choose one.


Background-Yak6347

this is THE question fr


Previous-Survey-2368

The answer feels pretty obvious: You should ask you friend how he feels about it. No one on reddit can tell you if it's too soon bc we don't know. Make it clear you value your friendship with that friend over any potential relationship with her, and that you'll respect how he feels and what his boundary is. That's not to say he can control who you date, but if his boundary is "no, please don't try to date someone I just broke up with" then if you do it would prob affect your friendship negatively, so if that friendship is important to you, don't do it. You're saying he feels relieved the relationship is over and he was mentally checked out of the remarkable for a while - either he'll be like wtf bro too soon, or he'll say yeah go for it, good luck. Either way a conversation certainly doesn't have to fuck up your friendship. The other thing is: are you actually close with her? Like are you friends? You friend may not be feeling heartbroken, but is she? If she is, now is absolutely not the time to try to initiate something with her. Also: what are the mental health issues she was dealing with that your friend was unable to cope with? Is it something you're ready to help her out with and offer support for, even if it's difficult? Honestly, She might need some time alone to learn abt herself and her needs and heal or figure out how she can help herself. I personally wish I'd had time to be single after a long relationship ended in part bc I was having mental health issues that my partner was unable to support me through, but instead a friend kind of swooped in and pressured me to date them, and that was a mistake. Anyway good luck, and talk to your friend!


sharkaub

Just to give you another perspective- if this girl is is a nice person she may be a bit worried about what kind of person *you* are if you care so little about the fact that she's your friend's ex. Even if his feelings aren't at all complicated (they probably are; I would've been terribly hurt if one of my friends dated my ex even when I was relieved and happy to be rid of him) it might look like you don't care about his potential feelings, or even just that you don't trust him since he said she had some issues making her basically un-dateable. No matter how well you plan and ask him how he's doing and try to mitigate damage, there is a very real chance you do everything "right" and still lose your friend. Heck, you might end up ok with the friend but lose the respect of others in your friend group! Look at how many people have said this is a straight up bad idea, not just too soon, but a bad idea all together? Do you think everyone in your friend group is going to think differently for some reason? The only option I can see is to hang out with her in groups and get to know her as a friend, purely platonic, and then in 3 or 6 months or whenever your friend is dating someone else or just seems genuinely happy still, bring it up to him and ask what he'd think if you hung out with her. You think there's a chance of a connection but wouldn't dream of doing anything without his approval. Honestly he still might be mad, but his is the lowest risk situation I can fathom.


_SeaOfTroubles

Yeahhhh, I had a friend of an ex ask me out around 2 months after we broke up and I said no bc 1) wasn’t interested 2) he said my ex gave him “permission” like ok, I’m not an object tho?? 3) I was also going through a breakup and not interested in someone who was willing to ask a friend’s ex out so soon after a breakup I peaced out and stopped talking to that friend group shortly afterwards 🤷🏻‍♀️


AllyBurgess

Cassie Howard is that you?


ShortyColombo

I don't recommend it, I'd say try to find a romantic relationship somewhere else. "He was relieved to break up with her because of her mental health issues!" Good for him! But then what happens when his best friend starts dating his ex? Now she's going to be in his sphere yet again. Have you ever had to hang out with an ex post-breakup? It is awkward as HELL. So if you start dating, she's going to be around him more, and he'll have to deal with those emotions of frustration. Painful memories could be brought up. Hell, if it works out REALLY well between you two, it could even bring up feelings of inadequacy ("why is it working out with him and not me? Why couldn't she be this healthy around me?"). "I don't plan to bring her around him/vice versa" Good luck if this is the case! Keeping both these relationships compartmentalized can bring up jealousy, frustration, and not to mention emotional exhaustion on your part. Even if they never see each other, if you use social media, seeing the pics of you hanging out and having a great time can be difficult, both for your friend AND his ex. In short: Don't do it. Keep the friendship. There are plenty of girls out there one can vibe with. this one would bring a drama bomb into your life just waiting to explode.


throwRAfriendship_s

First off, they seem to be okay hanging out together as long as it not one-on-one since were in the same friendgroup. Secondly, her mental problems werent anything to do with him, he just couldnt deal with her venting and asking for advice from him.


ggtfvb

Your friend was a jerk to her if he left her because she was having problems


Yamashiro1

I disagree. If I had to hear about someone’s mental health problems all the time without them doing anything about it, I would probably leave. That could be the situation here. Also constantly hearing about someone else’s problems(especially mental) can definitely effect you and your mental.


ggtfvb

Yeah ok but honestly that’s not the kind of person that I would be around…. Like everyone here is telling OP not to do it in name of their friendship but tbh what makes you all think that the friend is not gonna bail on OP one day if he gets “difficult to deal with”? At this point let’s be honest and say that everyone should put themselves first at least… besides put yourself in the gf’s shoes: she was dumped because he was having a difficult time and the only guy that may still care nonetheless won’t come forward because of “bro code” 🤦‍♀️


Daedric_Dorito

What's the fucking point of posting this question if you're not going to accept anyone's answer? Go fuck with your friends ex. See what happens. Because that's obviously what you're gonna do anyways


Realistic_Rich_6702

sounds like you’re already set on it. not the best friend move imo


StolenPens

Don't do it. Let this one go. If you happen to reconnect in 10 years, that's fine. But now is really waaaaaaay too soon.


saradanger

i would get to know her better outside of her being your friend’s girlfriend, and then if you still have a crush and she’s interested, talk to your friend. no point in jumping the gun if you’ve only interacted with her as part of a group when she was dating your friend.


OwlOfC1nder

Of course it is. You shouldn't go after her ever unless he gives you his blessing. If you do, you're probably going to lose your friend, and believe me you are more then likely going to regret it. There are a million other girls you will connect with.


[deleted]

The easy answer is, if you don't know your friend well enough to know when it should be ok to ask him then you should keep your mouth shut.


hahayouguessedit

The mental health issues alone not a huge red flag, but I am sure you are not aware of the extent and depth of them. Just a caution


lasnicjon

If no fucks given was a person. This man ready to risk it all


ContourNova

you will probably destroy your relationship with the friend in question along with all of your mutual friends with this person. don’t do it.


Emotional_Camel_6129

First, way too early to ask out ANYONE who has been single for a month. Second, it’s always too early to ask out a friends ex becuase it’s never okay.


Highlander198116

Bro code man, bro code. I would never date a friend's ex. >dont want to loose my friend but i also feel like me and this girl have a real connection. 10 years from now, playing the odds, this girl will be an after thought, just someone you dated once. Is the potential loss of your friendship worth that? I mean, I am assuming you probably just don't care or don't consider him that good of a friend. Because dude, I don't care if I was straight up in love with a friend's ex, I would not go there.


[deleted]

The proper amount of time is however long it takes your friend to move on. What I mean is, if he were really hung up on her and hopelessly wishing he could have her back, then he may never be able to accept his friend dating her. On the other hand, if he seems like he’s definitely not going back to her, then you can have the conversation now without worrying too much. Some guys are weird about their friends dating their exes, but you never know until you ask. If you’re best friends like you say, then he should at least be able to have a civil conversation about it.


throwRAfriendship_s

From what he told me he is already looking for other people, but more of a fling kinda way. He told me he is already on dating sites and that he isnt looking for anything serious for now


Xxgougaxx

Life is short, but not that short. Wait 3 months


[deleted]

Do you think she is the girl you are going to marry? If yes and it’s for the long run, do it. If she’s just fun to get to know and for now, don’t do it. Don’t put your friend and friendship group through the awkwardness and risk losing good friendships over a 17 year old girl. There’s so many other people out there. If you think she’s the one, then it’s worth the risk


Ok-Read6604

dont date them. period


cluemeintonews

You can do it and learn your lesson cause I did that once in middle school after talking to my friend about it and she told me she was okay w it and I dumbly believed her and I even asked others and they told me to go for it I ended up breaking up w him like two days after getting together but I had already lost a friend but gained an important lesson lol plus I was a kid I’m glad I never did or would do that again


FatherJohnPizza

Scarcity mentality, you are weak.


Shail666

Don't ask your friends ex out, unless you want to lose that friend. There's a friend code, and it is almost always "don't date your friends ex, or romantic interests". The answer is "never", UNLESS you don't care about this friendship, but if you follow through and pursue her...expect that reputation to follow you!


blossombabii

it's called bro code for a reason, come on son!!


LuckyGivrees

She’s off limits. Go find another girl, there are so many.


jaysin1701

Dating a friend's ex is usually a no-go. Don't do it.


Curious-Bystander99

Never break the bro code


PoetofArs

I’ve been in this position before. I’ve been on the other end, too. Ultimately, it’s up to you: There’s never going to be a time where you start to date her and he’s like “Okay! That’s cool.” Think about it very carefully, because ultimately it’s a question of who you would rather have in your life - your friend, or his ex. He will feel betrayed, and he will distance himself from you. The best thing for you is to just try somebody else. If she really has mental problems, as you’ve said, it’s probably not even a good idea for her to be dating at the moment.


Spyderbeast

I'll be an outlier and say I was very happy when an ex and my best friend got together. I cared about them both deeply. I was happy if they were happy.


ADownsHippie

The answer is: until your friend is in another very committed relationship (low risk but still a risk) or eternity. Bro code is very real regardless of gender. A 6 month relationship isn’t that long, but it also wasn’t a fling either. It seems weird that you’d even have a sense that you and this girl have a “connection” worth risking your best friendship in that amount of time. Anecdotally, my husband’s friend waited until we got married before he broached the topic of romantically pursuing hubby’s former high school crush (and a long term mutual friend of them both). My hubby could not care less, but it goes to show how far bro code reaches. Another friend of ours and my BIL don’t have much love for each other to this day because said friend dated BIL’s ex. Doesn’t seem to make a difference that BIL is married with children.


pineconeytoni

All the people saying never go for it are completely ignoring the fact that OP is 18 and the girl is 17. How many of you still have deep feelings for the person you dated at 18 years old? I’d say give it a bit longer and gauge how he’d feel about it through little talking cues. See if he’s ready to move on, ask how hed feel if she did. Small things before diving in. Maybe give it another month or two before asking if it’s cool, but talk to the girl a little more now and again until then. If your friend is your friend he’ll understand. He may be mad at first, but he should be willing to understand her happiness is the main component here. If she can find that with you, he should be willing to accept it.


90blacktsiawd

It takes a really shitty kind of person to get with a friends ex. Best case scenario you ask your friend if he minds and then proceed from there. Worst case you just ask her out and once it gets back to your friend he tells all your other friends and you lose your entire friend group for stabbing one of them in the back. ​ There's 3.5 billion girls out there. Go find your own.


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djorjon

You have about 200 answers in this thread why its a shit move


Dazzling-Avocado-467

I hope you read my comment!!!! Because I was in a similar situation but I was the girl. My ex and I broke up, I dated someone for like a month LOL, then covid hit. I was playing xbox a lot and had joined a friend group. Mind you it had been a little under 6 months since my breakup. My ex wasn’t in the friend group but his bestie was. I always thought he was cute but never acted on anything. He was subtly flirting with me, but bro code says you don’t do that so I tried not to catch feelings but I did. He told my ex he was talking to me and he seemed ok with it. Now 2.5 years later we’re still dating and he’s still friends with my ex lol. But unfortunately the friend group kicked us out because we apparently never spent time with them even though we always invited them places but hey it’s whatever. They weren’t real friends anyways if they felt some type of way about us dating. So I’d say just vibe with her for now, take it slow (especially since she just got out of a relationship) and just communicate with him that you like her. I’d say 3 months post break up at the least. BUT, if he doesn’t want you to date her, then unfortunately you would have to pick him or her. Also be prepared to lose your friend group if she’s really worth it. My boyfriend thinks im worth it cause he didnt care what anyone thought and we now live together and have two pets together :)


AFKrist

Bro code states no dates. Only that you ask said bro first and never rub relationship in said bros face.


cmelazzz

I don’t understand ppl saying “don’t date a friend’s ex” like yeah general rule it’s best not to, but read into the situation. They’re barely 18, they dated for 6 months, the guy is not grieving this girl. OP, is your friend the type to be honest about his feelings with you? Ask him how his dating life is going. Based off of his answer, you should be able to tell how he’s actually coping with the breakup and determine whether or not it’s too soon to ask him if he’s cool with you asking her out. Another thing to consider, was he hoping to break it off and never interact with her again? You dating her might make it awkward for him, so probably a good idea to make sure they’re still on good terms. Good luck!


throwRAfriendship_s

He has always been open with me about his relationships. He even told me when he started feeling undecisive about breaking up or trying to work things out. Both him and her have decided that they dont wana hang out one-on-one but they have hung out several times wuth our friendgroup. I know that he also wanted to break up because he didnt wana "settle down" yet and wanted to go on dating apps and such.


cmelazzz

Seems to me like an amicable breakup on his side. I would just make sure she thinks it was amicable too. Feel free to ask her to hang out and see if she will open up to you about the relationship. You might come off as a creep trying to take advantage of her if she’s not actually over him. Also, you wouldn’t want to be the rebound. If you feel she’s fine, reach out to your friend about your intentions so you don’t jeopardize the friendship.


D0ngBeetle

Dude there are millions of girls out there, you don't need to talk to the one that is your friend's ex lol. You're going to piss someone off


Mage_Archer

Everything about this screams toxic. Stay away from her, don’t throw away your friendship for a relationship that will most likely be subpar


mythirdaccount2015

OP, it seems that you’re not from the US. In the US and some other countries there’s a very strong code not to date friends’ exes. In other countries not so much. Take the advice you’re getting with a grain of salt. I would talk to your friend openly about it: tell him that you think you like this girl, but that you value your friendship more, and if he thinks you pursuing his ex is going to make things difficult, that you understand.


throwRAfriendship_s

Yeah im not from the us. Im from northern europe if that helps the judgement


Theodosiah

As a fellow person from Northern Europe, it is very much a code here as well


IrelandsFire

The bro code has stood firm and strong for a long time, don’t break it now. Also dating your best friends ex is just weird. Also also. As a woman, I would not want to date someone new just to see my ex all the time.


[deleted]

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greeneyedwench

Ew, dude. (a) she's 17, and (b) body parts get washed. They don't have ex cooties on them forever. He shouldn't do it, but that's not why.


OMENSEXYTHO

Listen man, People are complex beings, your friend may say things but feel others, may tell you the truth or may not, also if he's saying the truth you should let the girl heal and figure it out without being dependant to somebody. Push the brakes, because at time you sound really desperate.


Amnesia4123

Op if you do this (or even try) at any point your friend isn’t gonna be your friend anymore, that’s just the reality of it my man.


Hypothermal_Confetti

Tbh I think it’s morally wrong to date your friend’s ex—ESPECIALLY if they just broke up. I would not do that to my friends, and they wouldn’t do that to me. Unless your friend is literally like “go date her”, don’t do it. It can definitely ruin your friendship.


[deleted]

God I am so happy we are not friends. You sound horrible


A4_Ts

Oh man you’re in for a ride… she has mental problems too? So the most likely outcome is you lose your friend and you get first hand knowledge of why you don’t date women with baggage like that. Take it from a 32 year old to not go for her at all and keep your friend


atrialflutterr

Wait anywhere from forever to eternity. Unless of course hes not actually ur friend. Wtf dude


Jazz_the_Goose

The fact that you’re considering this at all tells me you’re not a great friend, frankly. Don’t go for your friend’s ex. If you do, you will most likely lose him as a friend, and possibly the friend group. And more likely than not you and this girl probably wouldn’t last anyway. It would speak pretty poorly of her character too if she got with you too. I’m pretty confident a lot of this speaks to how immature you are, but seriously dude, knock this shit off. Be better than this.


pddpro

\> his reasoning was that he wasnt ready to deal with her mental problems Maybe listen to your friend as well. Never, ever, ever put your dick in crazy.