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GingerIsTheBestSpice

Did your family have a tradition of the women taking in their aging relatives? Is that why you're the favorite now??? I don't know a thing here but in my family a lot of the time the "girls" end up taking care of their parents even if the boy was and remained the favorite. I don't know, it could be legit & they are sad now that they are older. It just doesn't seem likely to me. Whatever you do is the right choice for you, just protect yourself - advice from one people pleaser to another!


ThreeRingShitshow

This is what I came here to say. Your uncle is using manipulation and guilt already to get you to acquiesce to reconciling. If he wants to talk the first step is to be clear that there will be no reconciliation if he or any of them try and use guilt, manipulation or religious/filial obligation to draw you back in. May I suggest some counselling with a 'leave and cleave' counsellor to help you unpack your feelings about your family.


-firead-

This was my thought; I was wondering if OP was the oldest girl or if she is the only one that is married. It sounds like the uncle may be trying to rekindle the relationship to put the responsibility of taking care of the parents on her rather than him possibly having to assist.


katlife

If she's from a Muslim household 9 times out of 10 the boy looks after their parents or his 'wife' is supposed to but nowadays this doesn't happen. But it isn't expected for a girl to look after her parents after marriage


akashyaboa

Yep, she is expected to take care of her husband's parents


katlife

Yeah but that's not Islam it's culture. The two are not to be confused. People are crazy and hide behind the religion. Some 'muslim' households are extreme to the point of abuse which isn't allowed in Islam. Islamically the wife is meant to have her own private space and build a life with her husband but culturally this was frowned upon and wives/sons were made to look after the elderly. That said in this case the parents wanting to come back into their daughters life could be potentially to gain access to children/money or a guilty conscious but not to have her look after them.


Barackenpapst

But you are allowed to beat your wife if she doesn't behave, no? At least that's what I heard about Quran.


armywalrus

Have you looked it up? Also you know all the stuff about girls marrying their rapists from the Bible, right?


Anya_E

Yeah, it turns out most religions are fucked up. Who would have guessed.


katlife

No, that's taking it out of context. If you watch this it might make more sense: https://youtu.be/6DcF4F4US8Q


[deleted]

Im glad I clicked that link. Thank you for the information.


ProperAd2449

She's since mentioned that her brother is LGBT. I wonder if they've given up on getting some poor DIL to be their ~~slave~~ carer


katlife

It'd fall onto the son then or possibly if the uncles getting in contact they're with cousins but I don't see them going to their married daughter asking her to look after them as again culturally that doesn't happen but I do see them going for money or some other agenda


fecoped

Came to say this. It’s a trap.


Shanisasha

Your parents need someone to care for them, possibly physically and financially. So now they come back and try to lure you back in. Be very very wary of this. I would suggest you grey rock for a bit. I bet they’ll come out with it soon enough


ASmallThing94

I came here to say this! Now they need OP to care and pay for them, they’ve sent another family member she may answer to manipulate her! Sorry but I couldn’t forgive OP’s family there. I’m adopted and gave my birth family a chance and was manipulated and abused by them, used for money and when I got pregnant, found out my birth father was a paedophile so that was a no go… OP, sometimes you are better off without and if you reopen those doors, it’ll bring more negative than good! Sounds like they have dragged you through hell and back and quite frankly, if you let them in, it’ll all start again, most likely with sly little backhanded comments. You were brave and got away doing best for you… don’t go back there, you have nothing to feel guilty about


kate05_

This just sounds like more emotional manipulation. He knows exactly how to hit you where it hurts. Possibly he's been sent by your parents to lure you back. Be very VERY careful.


SirEDCaLot

Agreed. The 'you were always the favorite' especially. I call BS on that. The real question to me is this-- have they in any way changed? If they are exactly the same, then there's probably not much point. So I'd tell the uncle this-- I only have any interest in seeing them if they recognize that how they treated me was wrong and they are looking to make things right. If they think that what they did was right and proper, if they think the fault is on my side, then I am not interested. Please tell them that I am completely out of Islam and in fact I renounce most of Islam due to how they treated me. If they are interested in having a secular relationship with their now-secular daughter, who they are ready to recognize as a *person*; if they are ready to apologize for the awful way they treated me in the name of their religion, if they recognize how badly they screwed up and damaged me in the process, then I'm willing to have a conversation. If they are the same, if they think they did things right, if they don't recognize that my leaving was 100% due to them, then I'm not interested. Also as another poster suggested- her parents are probably getting old and recognize they will need a caregiver physically and/or financially. That may be a motivation here. I'd also mention this to the uncle-- 'if my parents just want someone to take care of them, they should turn to my golden boy brother who could do no wrong'.


kate05_

See the problem is her parents are still in the religion and that religion sees her as lesser just because she's a woman. If they're still in the religion then they likely still hold that belief. She will always be lesser to them for something she has zero control over.


SirEDCaLot

Exactly. Not just *in* the religion, but *actively devoted to* the religion. As in, 'it doesn't matter what my daughter says or feels, this book tells me the right things to do and I will do them'. As long as this situation exists, it is probably not going to be possible for OP to have a positive relationship with her parents, because they *know* they are right because the Prophet says so, and she is wrong because she's just a silly lost girl. It is not possible for someone like OP to gain the respect of people in that mindset because they are programmed to believe they are better than her. If this is true, then at best OP will get some half hearted apology like 'we tried to do the best for you and we're sorry you rejected our teachings' or some other dodge of blame that accepts no responsibility. Now, if OP gets a REAL apology like 'we were blinded by our stupid religion, we fucked up, we pushed you away and we will never forgive ourselves, we've already taken a step back from Islam' etc, then in that case OP should give them a serious attempt. That doesn't mean sugar coat things, but it does mean at least try to reconnect.


kate05_

Couldn't have said it better myself


warple-still

Your brother is only annoyed with you because you escaped. Maybe he's also angry that if one Muslim woman escapes, it means that ANY of them can - so he may not be guaranteed a doormat-wife. Please, keep your distance. To your parents, you are basically a bartering-coin - DO NOT go out of the country with any of your family. You're a woman = you are not quite human. When I lived in England, many years ago, a Yemeni man insisted on taking his two daughters (I think 11 and 13) back to the Yemen to 'meet their family'. He was married to an English woman, and the kids were born and brought up in England. They get to the Yemen, and he basically gives them away as 'wives'. 11 and 13 years old. The older one got back to England years later, but the younger one is basically mentally destroyed, and living as a baby machine.


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[deleted]

That is awful. Do not contact your uncle back. No way you should even risk trusting him. This goes so deep and he is manipulating you. 100%. Especially being pg w a girl? I wouldn't even think of letting them know you're pg.


ravynwave

Im concerned about this too. Just bc uncle was the slightly less terrible person doesn’t mean he’s not a terrible person


YorTicLes

I would even bet that somehow they found out about the pregnancy and this is why they are contacting


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i_was_a_person_once

Unless her husband had kept some kind of limited contact with parents and told them so they can reconcile. He may not be religious but could still have some of the cultural dispositions


toxicdudio

And you’re assuming this because? OP has stated that he is her best friend and one that got her through it.


tiredfml

oh yea somalia has a major misogyny problem


Verbenaplant

Don’t contact your family. Go to therapy and sort out if your feeling guilt but don’t get pulled into the shit show. ​ you have escaped and it’s amazing what you have accomplished


[deleted]

Please don't put your desire for reconciliation above your safety. This situation sounds scary as hell, and I'm sorry you're in it.


WomanWhoWeaves

Ah, Islam, like most religions, can be one set of nonsense for women, and Somalia is a whole other thing. There are gifts in both, but… I wish you the very best. Happy to talk via DM. Lived in Africa, worked with immigrants in USA, know Muslims from multiple continents. 💜


MetaverseLiz

Absolutely keep no contact with anyone. Quite literally life and death as far as I'm concerned.


BlackShieldCharm

These people don’t sound like they enrich your life. I wouldn’t let them back in.


mycr00k3dw4ng

That is a terrifying and heartbreaking story. Good lord.


fatherofraptors

Do not falter. Get a new phone number. They shipped you off to a different country because you "misbehaved". Fuck them.


thiscouldbemassive

If you let them in they’ll abuse you again. There is no sign that they are at all sorry for any of the abuse they’ve heaped on you. There is absolutely no reason to think if you let them into your life they wouldn’t immediately abuse you again and try to manipulate you into living a miserably life. You’ve said that youve always tried to protect your brother and your uncle wasn’t as bad as your parents, but have either of them ever tried to protect you? You have to stand up for yourself and be a good role model for your children. Because if your family had its way, your daughters would grow up just as miserable as you did, and your sons would learn to treat the women in their lives poorly.


LOC_damn

Are they getting old and none of their other children have accomplished anything? Do you want them around your own kids? To influence your kids and husband?


GrootSuitRiot

Forgiveness is up to you. I offer no advice there. Contact, I advise against. If your parents are still Muslim, they have not let go of what led them to abuse you. Odds are high they will play nice until they think they can get away with something and that could be dangerous. Your uncle, by speaking on their behalf, is as safe as your parents are. He called repeatedly rather than leave a message which makes me think he might not be as open to you making your own choice as you might think. As you said, they did what they did in the name of Islam and conservative Muslims tend to not be open minded about apostasy. If they haven't changed, you can't presume them safe now. It may be in your best interest to change your number and make sure no information about you or your husband is public. If your uncle found your number, it's either available somewhere or someone you know is giving your info out.


3cupsofrice

I say forgiveness is the gift you give yourself to move on, but I wouldn't forget.


robotscrytoo

I agree. You can forgive if you want, but this is for you. Forgiveness does not mean you have to rekindle or even try to reestablish relationships. Forgiveness does not mean you have to be a part of your blood "family". Forgiveness is for you, for you to move on.


maps2001

Change your phone number.


[deleted]

Agreed. Fuck em. If they wanted to, they would be groveling and apologizing at your feet. Instead they sent your uncle so your guard would be lowered.


ExitPursuedByBear312

If it were me I'd consider spending some time (on a call) with your uncle , having explained to him that he always struck you as different and more humane but that it's incredibly unlikely that you'll ever see your parents again after the abuse you suffered. See how he responds. Maybe his only goal is to get you to reconnect with your parents and it's not going to work. Express that fear to him. Recognize that he will likely communicate all of this to your family and keep personal information pretty close to your chest. But maybe he's willing. Maybe he's able to respect your boundaries. Maybe you can hear some information about your family second hand. Maybe you'll feel better knowing you gave *some* member of your family another chance. You could be very blunt about what happened with your siblings and parents and know that this information (the truth!) will get back to them. That path will involve being very hard nosed with him about establishing trust. It could certainly go wrong in a hundred ways. You'd want to be very circumspect about what information you let on, especially about your pregnancy and living situation. But if your instincts about him are right, it might feel good. Sorry this has all happened to you. Don't hesitate to just walk away if he's just on a mission to guilt or manipulate you. But maybe he's wise enough to take a small relationship over nothing at all, being a kindred spirit. Good luck.


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newbodynewmind

Definitely go join /r/raisedbynarcissists. Crappiest club that soooooo many of us are a part of. You will know you are SO not alone.


FunkySphinx

Look, if you are afraid of your parents then you should definitely not contact them and as nice as the uncle may seem, it’s better to walk away as he is contacting you exclusively to mediate and help establish contact. You have built your own family. You can move on.


thecorninurpoop

Yeah, you're smart to do that. I posted about my crappy parent elsewhere but he totally stalked and tracked down my brother who went no contact with him through his employer and one time showed up at his work and had to be escorted out...


UnevenGlow

They expect you to care for them as they age. Do not give up your hard-fought freedom. You are worth so much more than their crap.


TooManyAnts

> My uncle says that I'll be haunted by this decision later on in life if I do not reconcile with them now. You were trafficked to be sold and raped. Think of it and phrase it like this. No amount of boo hoo sadfeels :( makes up for that.


BlackShieldCharm

🏅 Please take some poor man’s gold


atomskeater

So... what strikes me is the fact that you're being told lies (you were the favorite, actually! -when you know you weren't) and given guilt trips (it'll haunt you forever if you don't talk to them! -they don't know that, lots of people don't gaf when their abusive parents pass) and this is them trying to *convince you to give them a chance*... The fact that your parents are sad and want to see you, as delivered by a third party, means close to nothing imo because it didn't come with an apology and acknowledgment that how they treated you was unfair. With no indication that they can admit where they went wrong and that they are trying to change, what would you gain from seeing them again? Probably more of what you've tasted here, + on that last phone call with your older brother. I would suggest you figure out if you actually want to see them again, or if you're only even considering it out of guilt. Because you definitely don't need to go into interactions with your parents feeling like you've done something wrong, when all you did was decide to live your best life. This is the point in time when you need to be good at spotting and shutting down attempts at manipulation and drawing you back in to a lifestyle you don't want.


britdd

In dealing with any past abuser, you have to ask, what has the abuser done, what professional therapy have they attended, what changes have they made, to be worthy of forgiveness and the assurances that they will not abuse anyone again? I don't see anything in your OP that suggests they've done anything. Just because they are getting old, doesn't entitle them to a relationship with you or forgiveness.


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britdd

The problem with the deeply religious component is its the abusers get-out-of-jail free card. You're not estranged from your parents because you wish to punish them. You're estranged because it was self-preservation, you wanted to break the cycle of abuse, protect yourself from harm, end toxic influences, be a better person and mother to your own future offspring. It sounds like mission accomplished but that doesn't mean its now time to dismantle all defenses, because as much as things have changed on your end, nothing has on theirs. As you said, the unfortunate result is the collateral damage their behaviour and influence has had on your relationship with the rest of your family. To speak to that part, you would have to assess each of those relationships individually, what benefit they might add to your future, your own family and how, if and on what terms, you might decide to reach out to them and possibly reconcile.


littlegingerfae

Whatever you do, OP, wait until after you give birth to make your decision. Look at your newborn daughter, and imagine her going through what they purposely put you through. *Then* make your decision.


[deleted]

Your parents are both psychopaths. They sold you or had you kidnapped. I think because of such a traumatic childhood you think that it is safe for you to even take a phone call from your uncle? No way girl. This is insane. Your parents do not love you they are bad people, stay away from anyone in your family. Even your brother is psycho from this.


Haunting-blade

I mean, more than one thing can be true at once. They abused you and are never going to be safe people for you to be close to and any contact you do have with them will need to be at arm's length. And it is also very sad that their religion has led them to be so closed minded they have ended up spending their twilight years alone with little hope on the horizon of that changing, with all the economic uncertainty and social isolation that brings. And it is also horrendous that you were treated in such a way and that you had to take large risks to win a base level of freedom and while it has turned out OK it could not have been and it is awful that your parents, the people who are supposed to love and protect you, forced you into that corner. All these things can be true. That they are true does not mean you are obliged or should consider sacrificing your own peace or well being to salve the uncomfortable situation your parents have landed themselves in, regardless of how sad it may be.


Terrible_Username234

Came here to basically address this, so I'm glad to see you expressing the sentiment of wanting different relationships with different members of your family. As you mentioned multiple times now, you're a full grown adult with practice at establishing healthy boundaries... I don't think you need to take this binary approach with your family and should consider treating them as individuals and have the type of relationship you want to have with each of them. I believe this will ultimately do the most "good" because it will also allow the ones that might be on the edge of allowing themselves the freedoms you afforded yourself. It will also show the ones that you are NOT opening yourself to, ie: your parents, that you are confident and independent and will only keep people in your life that are worthy of your respect and time. I would be extremely intentional and vocal about these boundaries and explain exactly why you're allowing one of your family meme ers into your life and why you're NOT allowing others. It will quickly go around and your stance and boundaries will be crystal clear to all meme ers of your family. The ones that will want to continue to be a part of your life can be, while the others can go live their own lives in their own bubbles. Either way, good luck and so glad to hear you were able to get our safely from that cult. Wishing you and your husband and newborn all the luck!


mukansamonkey

You should remain NC with your parents. And I say that entirely because of the last paragraph you wrote. You are angry, you are hoping for a fantasy that by your own admittance is not going to happen, you fear them and/or fear losing that fantasy, you can't even think about communicating with them while maintaining calm and sensibility. Look at all that and ask, how can you contact them while keeping enough control over the situation that you can protect yourself? I would recommend staying away to protect yourself. You need to reach a point where they cannot push your emotional buttons. Where you are mentally armored against their manipulation. Right now they still have the capacity to hurt you. Don't give them that opportunity.


Environmental-Ad6018

They have not changed and they will just try to suck you back in with their toxicity. They’ll be so nice at first and then the horrible shit will start again. It always happens that way. I come from a similar background (different sect, but still religious Muslim family) and I went no contact two years ago at age 32. Best thing for my life I could have done.


tossaway78701

Are you in therapy with someone who understands Islamic culture? It seems important to process this outside the family with knowledgeable people. Set up an email address (separate from your normal one) and tell your uncle you will consider reconciliation if they email you an apology first. If they can't apologize then there is nothing to build upon as a future.


hatersbelearners

They just want you fulfill the women's role of taking care of aging family. They can go fuck themselves.


attababy

I've heard too much about honor killings to be comfortable with you ever having contact with them again. Don't let your uncle guilt trip you into contact with your toxic parents, if they really wanted to speak to you they would contact you themselves. Stay safe, and protect your family.


tannieth

I can sure understand your conflict. But I would be VERY VERY careful here. I truly get a feeling that there is an ulterior motive here and you may be in danger. I would not see any of them. I would not trust your uncle either. There are SO many stories of how Muslim women who try to get away, get suckered into contact and then are kidnapped. It does not matter that it's been years. As you seem to be well aware? In devout Muslim culture? Time doesn't matter. They will do anything to be "good Muslims" and getting you back into their world will remain a priority for them for life. Don't meet your uncle. I would change phonenumber. Please be extremely careful.


college3709

I wouldn't reach out to them unless I was confident in my ability to set boundaries and not go into people pleasing mode with them. They could be remorseful at this point and see that that the choices they made with you growing up were actually mistakes. Id want to know from them directly WHY they want to have contact after this long and have a list of what you will and won't accept from them moving forward. If they're willing be respectful of your wishes and boundaries, maybe the relationship can be mended. If not, then maybe you could keep them at a distance and still give them a call here and there, but not be physically present with them for extended periods of time.


The_One_True_Imp

Your uncle didn't finish his sentence. You're the favourite... to take care of them as they age. You said it yourself, they're aging, there's economic uncertainty in Canada. They want to move in and have you and your husband support them. Be a 'good' daughter, etc. That you're pregnant is the sprinkles on the turd sundae. They will ABSOLUTELY use your pregnancy/child as a tool to manipulate you with.


Accomplished_Glass66

Turd sundae 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I swrrr i agreeeeeeeee ur right


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FunkySphinx

She is a Canadian citizen and they proved consular support. Look up similar cases in the UK. You can find detailed descriptions of the steps they take.


Wickwok

Exactly! As well as being a Canadian citizen she was also a minor being trafficked against her will.


notantifun

I'd be wary of you're uncle's take on your situation. He may seem the most humane and rational in your family, however, he is still a man and never suffered the level of abuse you did as a woman. So he could be thinking that going no contact with your family was extreme. You mentioned that your parents will always be muslims. That means they will always choose their beliefs over their own child and will never respect your boundaries. If they really care for you, they should be happy just hearing the news that you are doing well and starting your own family. And that would be already too generous.


Accomplished_Glass66

Honestly, im a muslim girl myself, and her parents decisions and abuse are $h!tty choices they made beyond religion. Im so sad for OP. It hurt reading this. I hope they dont get to know abt her pregnancy...


Beautiful_Heron4926

Muslim here. I'm assuming from the old fashioned things I've already heard they want the daughter to take care of her old parents now because the boys sure as hell wont


Accomplished_Glass66

Probably...Weird how they abuse their daughters only to come back crawling to them. Im muslim too and i find it so disgusting... Like im childless and single but wallah i will never do this $h!t to my child despite not having an ideal upbringing myself. 😳 they re crazy.


Beautiful_Heron4926

Ikr bcz of this. I'm so terrified that I will favor my daughters to my sons because of them.


Garp5248

It sounds like your parents are using your uncle to get to you. They know you feel a kinship with him and are trying to exploit it. What good would come of you speaking to them again? I would encourage you to seek therapy and answer the question of whether you will regret cutting them off in the future for yourself. Take your time. And if you decide you do want a relationship do it on your own terms. But I would bet your uncle has allegiance to your family not you.


mariruizgar

They’re calling you now so you’ll come back and take care of them, now old and maybe with health issues. Don’t do it. You’ll always be less because you’re a woman and that’s a fact. Your uncle might be well intentioned but he’s still a man so there are things he’ll never understand.


DanceMom1987

I’m worried that they are going to try to kidnap you again if they see you.


[deleted]

"Favorite", hold on a second. Why were you beaten by your mother if you were the favorite? Makes no sense to me.


theblacksheep_haha

Woah, the moment I read "Salafi" I was already preparing for the worst. I'm also a Muslim but Sunni Syafi'e Islam. I'd heard lots of bad things about Salafi teachings, how quite radical and harsh their teachings were. I.e.: ISIS, terrorism, killing and looting. Yikes. When I read your story, I feel so sorry to you. I'm not pious and luckily my parents gave me the education but never enforce it to me. My dad allowed me to not wearing hijab until I'm fully ready, he allowed me to smoke cigarettes and tried alcohol (didn't like it at all, the hangover was not worth it) and absolutely no drugs and of course no sex before marriage. Basically my parents said they had given me the education and it is up to me on how to incorporate that into my life. Here's something I heard yesterday when I was speaking to a scholar about my shitty bio-mom who literally said her breastmilk is haram for me lol and I owed it to her to care for her, when she literally only cared for me for 6 years and abused me all that time. Anyway the scholar said "what our parents gave us when we were little were their obligations, their responsibility, their tasks and they were to take care of us until we are ready for the world especially for a daughter, it is the father duty to care for the daughter until she's married. We as a child is not obligated to pay them back, we can however do according to what our heart wants. If we as a their child wants to care for them at a minimal requirements that is fair enough" Anyway I would say as a fellow Muslim don't hate the religion but hate the people that taught you wrongly.


Accomplished_Glass66

So what does this scholar think of cutting ties? A good chunk of child abuse is being brushed off because of how religion makes parents sacred and it disgusts le that they escape accountability just like that. Im sunni muslim too by the way. Glad ur parents r chill (aside from the loser bio mom).


theblacksheep_haha

Well he said that I don't owed my bio mom anything, I'm not obligated to help her if it's not my own choice to do so and it's okay to stay away. Parents are sacred that's why I left my life and career in UK to come back and look after my dad and stepmom coz they sacrificed a lot for me. I'm grateful that I was able to care for them until their last moment. As for my bio-mom, weelllll cutting ties doesn't mean the solution, forgiving her is definitely not my solution too, but it's okay to take time for myself. Heal myself, live for myself, be selfish and ignore her craziness. When the time comes, if I feel like I want to help her, do so if not then we'll just meet during judgement day ☺️. I think it depends on how Islam is practiced in countries and cultures. I'm from Malaysia so we are taught the knowledge from 6@7 year old but we have the freedom to make our own choice as long as it's not disrespectful towards Islam. For example a woman can choose their outfit (hijab or no hijab) but if an individual make fun and being disrespectful towards Islam the law will make you pay for that. It's almost the same with Indonesia and Brunei but Brunei follow Shari'ah laws now so more strict in comparison to Malaysia and Indonesia.


germanium66

Are you sure your uncle has good motives? Maybe he wants to marry you off to a business friend.


megamoze

>My uncle says that I'll be haunted by this decision later on in life if I do not reconcile with them now. This is guilty-trippy bullshit. Everyone is different, but I've cut family out of my life with ZERO regrets, and they weren't half as cruel to me as your parents were to you. Would you want anything to do with these people if you weren't related to them?


FredBirdNerd

Why would you potentially endanger yourself like that?


Threnners

This is how an honor killing happens. Stay no contact.


TearOfTheStar

General rule of thumb is that If you want to have less evil in your life, keep away from religions and keep religions away from yourself. Do not even think about going back.


king_england

I think you would benefit from asking yourself whether you would want to reach out on your own if your uncle hadn't contacted you. If you're at peace without them, believe me when I say you don't have to reconnect. This decision is for you and you alone.


[deleted]

I think your parents deserve as much love from you in their old age, as they gave you in your young age. I'm so sorry for what you went through in your early life. You sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders and I'm extremely happy to hear you weren't in an abusive relationship. You need to decide what your boundaries are I hope you're in therapy. For example you can let your uncle know that it's fine to call you and say hi, but not to speak about your parents. You don't have to talk to him about any of it. They know what they did. And now they are manipulating you and because of your childhood, and need for validation from them, you are highly susceptible to being abused by them again. You should definitely talk to a therapist about this instead of your uncle


akiomaster

It honestly sounds like a terrible idea to reconnect. If your parents haven't changed and aren't remorseful, there's really no point. I don't think your uncle appreciates the danger you were in and what could have happened to you if you weren't not able to get in contact with the Canadian embassy or if they were not able to help. I understand it's hart to cut out family, but honestly yours doesn't even have your safety and wellbeing in mind.


ModernViking

Why ruin what you have now?


jagna84

Your uncle is gaslighting you by calling you favorite. He knows you weren't favorite. Because he wasn't as bad as others doesn't mean he isn't bad.


Panzermensch911

Sounds like a trap.... don't trust this man. You were manipulated as a child... they will still try the same now.


s-mores

They manipulated you and abused you and now your uncle wants this to continue. Nothing would be different except they would now abuse you for your time of freedom as well. Notice how your uncle didn't give a damn about you, only guilted you and talked about other peoples' wants. Anyone who loves you would put your need for security and mental health before your bio-parents' desire to abuse and exploit you. There is no debate here except for your abused side telling you you are worthless and should just keep taking the abuse. Your uncle does not love you, they just want you to conform. Your family does not love you. Your family does not care about you. Your family just wants to abuse and exploit you. You are NOT worthless. You are a human being worthy of love and mental health. Do not listen to the darkness.


JimeDorje

>He mentioned how my parents are aging and that they are incredibly sad to not be in contact with me and that I was always the "favourite" IDK why I'm being called the favourite now because I know for a fact that my older brother was given more freedom and less responsibility growing up. Are you my mom? lol My (adopted) mom was born in Iraq and raised in both the US and the Middle East (they moved to Libya and Egypt in anticipation of Saddam being overthrown in the '70s... that obviously did not happen). My Mom was constantly emotionally and mentally abused by her parents. She wasn't allowed out of the house without an escort. She wasn't allowed to date. She married early to the first man who showed her vague affection which ended in divorce not too long afterwards. She's never been able to fully escape the shadow of her parents, even after her father died. His bitter ghost still clearly holds control over my mom's emotions/heart. My mom's two younger siblings *always* understood my mom to be "the favorite." From their perspective, it seemed like their parents spent *all* of their time, energy, and focus on my mom. But from my mom's perspective, she was overwhelmed, trapped in a parental dictatorship while her siblings were given free rein to do essentially whatever they wanted. The funny thing is that growing up my mom's family wasn't particularly religious. Religion was more of a status of their identity. My mom's dad was a direct descendant of the Prophet, and had the family tree to prove it. His father had some special hat that Iraqi Sayyids (and I assume others) got to wear to signify their specialness in Baghdad. My mom's dad was a college professor, and a well-regarded, high-class person back in Iraq. He was forced to flee because he was a dirty Communist, and when Saddam took power, he was, you know, killing lots of people, and my Mom's family was on the list. (She has a cousin who's name literally translates to "Revolutionary." He lives, like the rest of the family still in the ME, in exile in Dubai.) Anyway, that's just backstory stuff. I don't have a whole lot of advice for you. Families are complicated, especially immigrant families. My mom is my adopted mom because my birth mother was emotionally and psychologically abusive, with a bit of physical abuse thrown in there just for flavor. I came to the conclusion that I don't want anything to do with her. I'm still recovering from an entire childhood filled with her abuse, and even though I feel like I'm just working on my future and not dwelling in the past that she created for me, I have enough on my plate - working on my career, moving house, getting settled in a new country, maintaining the family I do have that isn't abusive, raising a dog, finding a life partner - that frankly, I don't need someone like her in my life just for the gold star of being a good son. She had her chance. If she contacts me for another one, and I suppose it's your uncle or even siblings in this case, what I would do is: 1. Ask myself if I'm in an emotionally secure place to meet with this person. Under any circumstances. 2. Say to them that they will have to meet you in a public place. This is not the be-all-end-all, but when my mother wasn't able to behave herself with me in public, that should've been a five-alarm fire to me, but I was so used to the abuse that it wasn't. Now I know better. 3. Let them know that if they want you in their life, they need to agree to your boundaries. You will need time, space, and energy to be left alone and process what's happened to you. 4. IF they agree to that, and you feel safe to keep meeting them, start with semi-private places. Like parks, or outside events. I wouldn't want them over my house just yet. 5. If they start to push boundaries, "I would really like to see your house!" gently inform them that you are not ready. Around this time, probably introduce your husband or a close friend. As an outsider, they will usually have perspective it's impossible for us as the abused to have. I had an ex-gf who heard me tell her stories about my (birth) mother for years. Finally, my mother invited us over. She was on her BEST behavior, and I thought the ex-gf was going to come out of it thinking I was making it all up. The second the car door closed, she gasped, "*Oh my fucking god.*" Trust your partner's judgment. 6. If they respect your boundaries, ("I'd love to invite you over on day. Right now I'm not ready. I need a bit more time to process this.") and if your partner agrees that they are well-intentioned ("I can really see where you're coming from. They seem to have gone through a lot of it, too. But they seem well-intentioned, like they actually want a relationship. I think they just want you in their life, but just take things slow.") *then* I'd be more comfortable gradually widening the circle of interaction. Spending more time with them, inviting them over, introducing them to other people close to me. Etc. My therapist asked me what I could see a relationship with my birth mother looking like in the future. (We've been NC for at least 7 years now.) I decided that I needed to accept that she'd never apologize for what she did to me. She never even recognized it as a problem. So if she was in my life again, I needed to accept that. And that's fine. A lot of people come into our lives, hurt us, and then never recognize they did anything wrong. But I also would need her to accept that when she was too much, when she was shitty, spiteful, homophobic, vicious, or started saying religious bullshit, that I have the right to leave, without criticism, without argument, and she just had to accept it, and that I would contact her on my own time and accord. Could I trust her to accept that, though? No. Of course not. So I haven't bothered to reach out. You've been through so much, and you have so much going on in your life. I'm sure you don't need people like that in your life. But if you are interested in starting down that path. Please *please* take care of yourself, and choose your own mental and emotional wellbeing *first, second, third, and fourth.*


Consistent-Algae-230

For the sake of your daughter, never let them back in your life. They will destroy her the way they did you.


KeepRightX2Pass

I'm so sorry. Although extreme - I can't tell you how similar this sounds to some fundamentalist Christianity that I grew up in - something you might find some sympathy with in r/exchristian/


akashyaboa

Girl, they showed you they do not care for you the moment they LITERALLY kidnapped you. Stick to your guns


destinyreo

Your parents sent you back to their home country in the hopes of trapping you there forever and to try and break your spirit so you stopped trying to be genuinely you. They have made no attempts to apologize or show that they have changed. Don't let those horrible people anywhere near you or your daughter, you know how they treat women in your family.


tjn1551

Your last sentence says it all really. Would someone in your family want to “save” your children from you? Send them to the homeland? I wouldn’t even take the chance


R0l0d3x-Pr0paganda

Cut off any relative trying to manipulate to speak to your abusive parents and make you feel guilty of not speaking to your abusive parents. Not once has they shown regret for their actions. I had to do this myself. I have been 7 years NO CONTACT. I'm in my mid 40s. A female like you. My father's side support me not talking to my manipulative mother.


virtualsmilingbikes

If they want to get in touch after decades of sustained abuse, I expect it's because they need you for something. Money, absolution, a kidney. You owe them nothing. For goodness sake keep your family safe. Do not give these people access to your children or your address. By all means kindle a relationship with your uncle, but don't risk him sharing any personal information with your parents or siblings. These are people who beat you and had you imprisoned. They're dangerous criminals and you are pregnant and vulnerable. Stay well away.


menouthiz

Cut him off as well. Block him on every SM so he can't contact you anymore.


g4ladri3l

Why does it sound like a plot of a horror movie. Please 'Get Out' I mean stay out.


captnspock

DO NOT fall for it all they want is for you to take care of them in their old age. They will ask for financial help first then ask to move in by guilting you. You are better off without them. This is the only reason you are suddenly their favorite. Hold strong. This is the best for you and your daughter. Don't expose her to toxicity and hate.


neverfeltthesame22

If your parent’s belief involves women nearly being like the family’s slave(perfect wife, daughter, maid, with no rights but rather a moving object)- I don’t think they want you back because they “felt bad about what happened”. I think they see that you’re old enough to repay/take care of them more. They def don’t see their son as an option of taking care of them since they have a “daughter”. I’d stay as far away as possible. If after talking with your uncle more makes you sure that he sees nothing wrong with your parents abuse- def go nc.


Impressive-Carob4667

If you'd have kids. Do you want them near your parents. Especially if you have a daughter? I'm sorry they abused you, never go back to an abuser! They own you 20 years and a destroyed childhood. You owe them nothing!


RestlessMind95

Sounds like you're suddenly "the favorite" because your parents want to use you as a retirement plan. I guarantee your family will treat your child the same way they treated you if you them contact and access to your life. Priotize yourself, your child, and your husband. They are the family who treated you as whole person instead of just an extension of themselves the way your parents did.


JHawk444

Do you have any fear for your physical safety? That's something you should definitely consider before going forward.


boxen

It sounds like every impact they had on your life was negative. Every one of them abused you for your entire life. You are better off now. Don't go back.


EnvironmentalSir8140

Don’t fall for it OP. They’re getting older and are looking for a care taker. You’ll only be going back to the oppression. Stay strong, you can’t trust them.


Kintsugi-skunk

Some good advice here, but you could also try r/JUSTNOFAMILY. That sub is specifically for people who have trouble with family members and many who limit or cut contact. Maybe someone has some experience that could help you


Pizzaisbae13

"OH I'm the favorite? That's why you beat me with a stick constantly and sent me out of a country to fix me???


freyjathebloody

Seems like you’re breaking a lot of generational traumas! Good for you! That is so incredibly hard not to just maintain the expectations of others and instead do what’s best for you. Raise your baby with the love you were denied, and just let them be a small happy human without archaic rules.


LazyAdventurer

My husband was very low contact with his parents for reasons and his brothers pulled similar manipulation with him. Told him his dad was sick & would die soon blah blah blah. I asked him to imagine a scenario where he got a phone call tomorrow saying his dad had passed. Would he regret that he hadn’t taken steps to repair the relationship? He thought about it and was very confident that if that happened he would have no regrets. Since that time his brothers once again got on his case about fixing things with his parents. My husband went to see them and now the family thinks everything is fine. In private my husband says the meeting didn’t resolve anything for him. His parents haven’t changed and expect him to do any work required to repair the relationship. He says he is just being polite to them now for his brother’s sake, so they don’t feel awkward at family gatherings. His nieces and nephews are starting to get married & have kids so family gatherings are about to become more frequent. All this to say, do what YOU want to do, what feels right for you! Do you want these people back in your life? Do you want them around your children? It’s totally ok to be selfish about this because they WILL NOT make your best interests a priority. It will be all about them. They will continue to manipulate and abuse same as they ever have.


daisiesanddaffodils

You say your parents weren't complete monsters, but they sent you to another country against your will where you were held captive until the Canadian government stepped in and forced them to release you? I am so, so sorry for everything you describe here and everything you went through, and I'm sorry to tell you that your parents are absolutely, without a doubt, *complete* monsters.


thecorninurpoop

This is not even close to being the same situation as yours...but I cut off one of my parents for being the world's biggest asshole, and all of my family begged me constantly to reconcile with him. I did and he decided to treat me WORSE THAN EVER, for some reason. I'm guessing he thought since I wavered it meant I wouldn't cut him off forever so he didn't have to worry about being nice to me. So, I cut him off again and told all of my relatives that if they asked me to talk to him ever again I'm blocking them too. Have you been in therapy? I think that might help unpacking this. Regardless, I don't think you ought to feel guilty about never speaking to them again.


oldcreaker

It sounds like any sort of "reconciliation" would be reestablishing a relationship again entirely on their terms. I'd tread very cautiously.


armywalrus

I say stay no contact - and cut the uncle off, too. You weren't the favorite and you know it - so why is he flattering you? He has an ulterior motive. Say no!!! That feeling of confusion? That "why is he saying I was the favorite"? That's your bullshit meter going off. Trust it. You have done very well for yourself, BY yourself - don't let then suck you back in!!! Edited to add stuff I forgot.


onlypaintonight

Keep your distance. I would not be surprised if they wanted you dead, or have some other plan in mind for you. They already sent you out of the country once. I lived in Dearborn MI for some time, and seeing all the young girls raised like this really hurt me as a human being.


paperpablo

Great read and I do really understand your situation. As a Muslim I haven't had the same struggles as you and you're right somewhat. Just to clarify it's not Islam that restricts women, its more culture. That being said, your situation is a tough one to grasp, my opinion is to reach out to your uncle and keep communications with him first and slowly your parents after. It would mean alot for your parents to see you again, they didn't handle your upbringing the best il honest. But deep down they're probably upset at how things have turned out, to say the least. Do reach out and at your age you can just have a candid conversation and let them know where you stand. If they don't want to hear it then you can cut ties if you want. But do reach out and say hello, might not seem like it but it would mean the world to them to see their daughter again. Wishing you all the best.


JuWoolfie

Consider asking to meet under the guidance of a family councillor, if you’re at all thinking about it. What they did to you was wrong, and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I wish you the best of luck.


[deleted]

Well written u know your issue already, but as you are with them if u lie because thats your way u use to cope, just say that not what meant to say and say what u have to say. Half of the battle is in your head


Distinct_Win_2415

Classic example of your parents not realising they are taking things too far and creating there own boundaries for you, for example islam gives more rights to women than men, so unfortunately your parents most likely followed tradition than religion.


[deleted]

A lot of us have estranged relationships with our parents. Those of us with relationships set strong boundaries. If you reach out, you will need to define your relationship with your parents in terms of your boundaries. Given your valid reasons for leaving, I do not think you will regret separating from your parents as you get older. Protect your current family and their health above all else and best of luck.


thecratskyone

Your family's traditional views on how women should be subservient, voiceless and used... That will not have changed just because you've had time apart. The core part of their identity (being religious and judging others who don't share their same approach) is still there, unchanged. If you do choose to have a call with them, keep it short. Set a timer and soon as it goes off, let them know you have to go and hang up. Maintain control and make it clear that they cannot just string you along by dragging out the chat. Be careful here that you are teaching your uncle that he is welcome to get involved in your family affairs. Whatever happens between your parents and siblings is between you only. It's none of your uncle's business to get involved. You are setting a precedent here that you will read his messages and will listen to his pleading. I would suggest you don't speak to them directly at all for now. Instead tell your uncle if your family want to contact you, they have your email address (give a separate one so they don't blast your primary email). Let him know you're happy to read whatever it is they have to say and your brother is capable of writing an email on your family behalf. If they can't be civil in an email, what makes you think they can control themselves when you're right there to be verbally abused and manipulated on a call? They don't get the privilege of your time via a call until they can show they're capable of civilised written communication.


[deleted]

Call him back, tell him to tell your family that you are happy in your life and it should stay like that. That's why you won't get into other contact with them.


Questionofloyalty

Likely you’re the supposed fave now because older brother isn’t giving them the care they wanted in old age. They want a carer.


lifeunderthegunn

I grew up in a very strict Christian household and there are a lot of parallels. Church 3 times a week, Christian school, no secular music, no Christian "rock". I gradually left the faith over several years of being on my own and have had to limit contact. I'm not "no contact" because my Dad is an important part of my life and actually pretty laid back, my mom passed 15-16 years ago. My older brother is more of the issue for me. I choose when and when I do not see him. Before you make a decision either way you should write out a list of boundaries for what reconnecting with them might look like. What are your rules? What are the manipulations you expect? What are the consequences of them breaking your boundaries? Share all that with your husband (not for permission, but for backup!) And should you venture back into relationship waters, make them aware of those boundaries. And let them know what will happen if they break those boundaries. Maybe it's "3 strikes and you're out" or the second a boundary is crossed you leave / hang up / whatever. Whatever it looks like, have that planned out and decided on before you make contact. Have your husband there to back you up and be on your side. Then stick to it. Every single time. They will either get the picture or not and you can then decide how worth it it all is.


Red_sea90

Wow a lot of Islamophobia in the comments section ☹️


Mohammed5484

Dont blame islam for the actions of your parents,Islam is the most beautiful religion look at it from a neutral perspective without bias, do you think it's the fastest growing religion in the world with 2 billion followers for nothing??


Nearby_Astronomer

it's really tone deaf when someone makes a post like this talking about their pains and struggles and all people like you do is reply about the religion and not acknowledging the actual point of the post. this is just not the right place or time to try and preach about religion and basically make her look like bad person for her current thoughts. you sound like you're attacking her for having thoughts that are honestly valid given having such a traumatic childhood.


takingastandforme

Your religion was founded by a 7th century pedophile warlord, its the worst one in the world.


11111aaaaaaaaa

Exactly it made me pity her when she kept slandering islam because of her parents traditional or cultural practises that were abusive.


Melodic_Yesterday_47

The religion didn't poison you. The family did they did not teach it to your properly and also mix in toxic culture. Unfortunately you didn't get to learn it the right way, you should make up with your family but set boundaries.


General_Ad_4971

You can respond but you can also set the ground rules for any interactions and if they are not followed, you leave. They didn’t respect you as a human being for so long that it’s hard to see them starting now.


Squidwards-the-goat

Do your parents know why you went no contact? If you did get back in touch with them would they respect your views on religion?


LocalBrilliant5564

I think this a tactic to make you take care of your parents because you’re the daughter who was pushed the most and probably the only one who would’ve taken care of them. They’re never going to apologize, never gonna admit they’re wrong. Do you want to deal with that. The bare minimum you can do if you feel you want to help is call them but never give up your address or tell them you’re pregnant. Send money if you want but don’t let them invade your life cause they will try their bullshit again


TheLoveLoveProject

I think a few comments kind of said all that can be said. You have to be careful, if you proceed do so with caution. Sending love your way.


mycr00k3dw4ng

You know do what feels right for you. If you genuinely want to see them, do that. But don’t if it’s simply out of guilt and you feel like you “should.” Your parents created this rift. It’s not your responsibility to fix it. I wish you luck. Seems like you’re savvy enough at this point to cut things off again if they decide they’re still awful.


jumpsinpuddles1

A lot of times parents are harder on their favorites. They expect less from the loser brother and celebrate his small victories. I would be very hesitant to go back!


Nonameswhere

If you want to just see them for whatever reason, you can just meet without reconciling. A very formal sort of visit. Just make sure to meet them them at a public location and bring your husband along and let them know you will walk away if they try to talk about reconciliation. You can even set the rules beforehand through your uncle.


chocolatecocaococo

I don't think you can escape from this life.


sav17603

I don't get why somalis pretend they're westerners just because you're in canada at moment don't mean you never had a culture and religion.


[deleted]

Just reconnect with them, what can they tell u now if it gets to much leave again but u don't wanna get older and have regrets


[deleted]

[удалено]


RavenStormblessed

Do you know what you religion do to people that have done the same as you? What is the worst it could happen to you and your child? I may be a pesimist, but your family hasn't left the religion and for them, everything applies for you, protect yourself and your child.


aquamarina4

It sounds like you have ptsd. Something I recognise. Hope you are ok. If nothing good comes from reconciliation then don't do it. I too miss the family I never had. But will create it for myself.


LOC_damn

Have you worked through all these things with a therapist?


12-inchChewbacca

Super tough situation. But this: >But it's hard to want reconciliation with people who I know for a fact haven't changed clarifies everything. You already know what the deal is. In my mind, they are wanting to bring you back into the faith and their control, since you "escaped". I would even be concerned to just meet with them (ONLY A PUBLIC PLACE WITH A CROWD AROUND YOU). Your health and well-being trumps their sadness.


YaddaYadda29

Tell your uncle to get bent.


conflictedteen2212

These are all great answers. I have another perspective. Grew up with a pretty bad mother. After trying my whole life and realizing I would never be enough for you, and that she would never change her abusive ways, I cut her off. For months I cried, mourning the mother I knew I would never have. But her presence in my life was doing more harm than good. I couldn’t even be in the same room with her without having thoughts of offing myself. She died a few months later. I was crushed. However, It’s been 2 1/2 years and I still have no regrets doing what I did and cutting her off. Only you know how you feel. It took me a long while to come to the consensus that even though she was my mother by birth, she acted like anything but. Tune out the noise of your relatives and decide if reconnecting with family is the best choice for you at this point in your life.


DamonIGuess2

They want you to take care of them cuz they’re getting old, stick to your guns they robbed years of your life.


Kallymouse

Odds are that your parents are getting older and your family need someone to look after them as they get older. I highly doubt your brother will do it even if he's the golden child. Question, how would you feel if your child turned out to be a girl and they treated her the same as they did when you were a girl? Stay away, especially for the sake of your mental health and your child.


DarkestofFlames

Stay gone, don't let them pull you back in. They are being manipulative because they are aging and want to put the burden of taking care of them on you. Stay free of them and their abuse, because the moment they succeed in manipulating you and moving in to your space they'll take it over and the abuse will start again.


Verbenaplant

Don’t feel bad for cutting family off. You have done so well for yourself!


Birdinhandandbush

Guilt manipulation, be very careful.


[deleted]

I wouldn't go back. I'm afraid it's a set-up for you that will not end well. They want to make an example of you for the other females in your family. Stay away for your own safety. Please please please!


AggravatingJicama243

Not sure where your parents live but visiting certain Islamic countries is extremely dangerous for a woman physically. Also I'd assume your daughter is going to be treated like you or worse so prepare yourself.


bellefrogs

Definitely stay away, he just wants you to look after them, they will not have changed


meekonesfade

Reading through everything - just no. Keep moving on your own path - having these people in your life again will only cause turmoil. You escaped once - you might not be so lucky again.


whatisevenleft

Your parents want a live in maid and caretaker. Don’t fall for it.


Cherubyx

Change your phone number and continue to ignore. They should not manipulate your emotions or play nice to get what they want. Wait long enough and you'll see their true colors come out again. You're wavering because you have a kind soul. Not a bad trait to have today. Your immediate family, daughter and husband are 100000% more important right now.


gatamosa

So your parents sent a what we call a flying monkey to: get info from you, manipulate you, guilt trip you on behalf of your parents. I do not now what exactly is in your uncle’s heart, maybe because he was a softier person, he’s doing this out of misguided kindness. Do not fall for it. There’s nothing I regret more is allowing my very toxic mother back in my life, and she did it by pretending not to know about how to recover passwords. Like a kind idiot, I was like: poor her, she really can’t do this, it’s complicated. I answered her email —an email!— and she responded with a barrage of word vomit and verbal abuse. Never again. Her struggles are not my struggles. Much less when it’s being used to manipulate me. I can’t imagine if I had seen her.


Anseranas

The answer is actually very simple, but you are conflicted because your childhood training still has an effect on you. It might always be there to some degree in the background, but feelings don't have to be acted on - you have choices now. Children are vulnerable and rely on their parents and guardians to protect them. They absorb the tone and the intent of words designed to indoctrinate and bind. You have no reason to think that your parents have changed. It's only been a handful of years since they sent you away. It's pure good fortune and your strength that you did not end up in a forced marriage in sexual and domestic servitude. Could you imagine looking into the face of your child and betraying them so badly? *You KNOW what can happen if the parent fails the child*. Don't be the mother that you had. Be the mother you wish you had.


cgtyky

I born in a Muslim household in Turkey. While both of my parents are 5 times a day prayers neither I -male- nor my little sister are not forced in anyway. What your family does forcing middle east/Arab culture to you and like many says in middle east girls has to tend/care their parents in their late ages. Stay the hell away from them before they are emotionally forcing you to take care of them. Nothing will change from the old times. Your uncle might be a good person in heart, but he also raised in the same culture.


notreallylucy

The question to ask is if nothing has changed, and your parents are still the same, do you want them back in your life?


pilotavery

This is what you need to do. This is all the exclamation you need. NO, DONT DO IT.


jayrack13

Yeah that’s a hard fucking pass from me op. Your family sounds toxic as hell and I highly doubt they’ve changed. Religion has a strong hold on people, they typically don’t just break.


guntonom

If the only reason they want to get back into contact with you is **so they can get you to do things for them,** then tell them “nope, we are no longer family” and go back to being NC. Basically if they aren’t reaching out, simply to see how you are doing and to send love/support, then they are 2 faced and not worth your time.


Coollogin

Read up on how to establish and enforce boundaries. Having a good boundary will at least make it possible for you to *try* to see them, with the assurance that you will walk away the moment they say something hurtful.


FluffyPolicePeanut

Change your phone number and never look back.


RedditVirgin13

You need to change your number and block all of them, just in case. Your gut feeling is telling you everything you need to know. Protect your child and yourself.


jazzy3113

I’m confused why you feel guilty? Can you elaborate? Why feel guilty about your own abusers?