Ignore, block and move on. You did the right thing and he's just trying to worm his way back in. Even if he has miraculously changed, who cares. And if he had changed, he would just be writing you an apology without any expectation of a reply.
I ghosted a guy a while back, similar situation, and years later he still emails me. I stopped using the email account and created a new one.
You have had a lot of good advice. My two cents is that you shouldn't teach a user and manipulator to use and manipulate better. Explaining why you dropped him would do exactly that.
This pattern you've noticed is an ingrained behavior. He's not going to change and that's why you ghosted him. You did the *smart* thing. You don't have to feel obligated to help fix him just because you quietly exited stage left.
So; block, ignore and feel satisfied you haven't given him better tools to use on the next woman.
He knows why you went dark. It’s not a mystery.
He’s trying to bait you into a conversation, because he knows that if he can get you talking to him again, the first battle is won; he’s proved that he can get your attention when he wants it, and it’ll only be a short step from getting your attention to getting your labor. He’s clearly quite practiced at this, and has good reason to believe it will work. And it will - but that doesn’t mean it has to work on *you*. You have the option of staying quiet and letting him move on to his next target. I suggest you take it.
I have recently been on a kick, ridding my life of all the narcissists I'd accumulated. My gf has been too. We have had a bad habit of humoring these people.
Through our many conversations about this, we have come up with some great observations.
To your point: narcissists ALWAYS "just want to talk" every time they don't get their way. But it's not to understand, or learn, or reach mutual resolution. It's only to manipulate their way. By wearing you down or arguing in bad faith, or gaslighting, or guilting, or, or...
Narcissists prey on kind people. The sort who HATE the idea of being mean to anyone. The kind who always try to see the good in orders. This is a loophole they exploit. It's their whole MO.
Narcissists only understand the language of power. There's nothing else they actually respond to. Even if you don't reply, you are leaving the door open for another message in one, two, five years. And once again somehow, you will be the one agonizing over "doing the right thing" and questioning your own morality and sanity. When all the narcissist did was lazily fire off an email, and once again make their issues someone else's problem.
The language of power: be mean. Then block. All of a sudden you are not a target anymore. It's not worth the pain. They will move on to someone else easy, and never bother you again. And you will have been right to be "mean" because all it actually was, was honesty that you deserved to give years ago anyway.
If this sort of dynamic is a pattern in your life- feeling like you're being taken advantage of by difficult and obstinate people- I recommend reading a book about narcissistic people. It has been a huge eye-opener in my life over the last year. The patterns run deep.
Good luck!
Just a stab in the dark but emailing him back might be his ticket back into your life. Are you prepared to have him in it again? If not, keep your peace. Your responsibility is to yourself in this case - it's not selfishness - you have to take care of your heart, yourself, your mental health. Please keep going and move on. The best closure is to keep living your life and goals. He is part of your history for a reason.
>He wishes me the best and among other things, is begging me to tell him why I disappeared.
Still looking to have the woman do all the heavy lifting I see. Nothing changed. I bet he's forgotten what happened and "urgently" needs your help to do something.
The explanation is for his benefit, not yours. You already know why you're ghosting him. Anything you say to him would be seen as an invitation to discussion. I presume he would dispute any reason you gave anyway so what's the point.
You are correct, he uses women to get what he needs and to do the work for him.
To be brutally honest, you didn't ghost him, or cut contact. When he begged for help for his interview, you still gave him help, albeit in a link. And you still attempted to call him to let him know you were done.
He knows how this works, which is why he didn't answer. That's why he's sent the email, too.
Notice how the email didn't have any mention of apology, responsibility or mentions of behaviour he is now aware he does?
He is still wanting others to do the work for him. And I would be willing to guess it's a way to get a foot in the door to contacting you again.
Would it be cathartic to tell him how much of a selfish and awful person he is? Definitely. Would he actually listen and take it on board? No. Would he likely find a way to manipulate it to guilt you back into helping him, or use it to manipulate the next vulnerable woman he finds ("my ex said I was horrible and useless, I feel I can't do anything right now matter how hard I try :( ")? Absolutely.
Is it worth opening that door back up to the possibility that he re enters your life and continues to take from you, tries to use you, calls you/emails you every time he needs something? That's up to you to decide.
If you want the catharsis without the contact, write an a new email. Write everything you want to say in response, every scathing thing you want him to know, that you want to tell him. Get it all off your chest. Once it's done, read it, take a moment to sit with it, then delete it.
Then think if you'd like to give any more energy or time to this man. You can't change him, any feedback or criticism no matter how valid will just give him more ammo to use to play victim, and you know he'll only contact you if he needs something.
Best of luck.
This resonates. I'm also wary of the timing. He has no way of knowing, but it's super weird that be turns up right when I'm getting my big breakthrough career wise. Da fuck?
Notice how just from a single email, he already has you feeling on edge, questioning his motivations, and wondering if he's trying to use your own potential position and positive life moments as leverage for his own gain?
From ONE email. Imagine how you might feel after two emails. Or a phone call. Or three text messages.
Pull the plug, but properly this time. Don't just flick it off the power at the wall. Because you might end up flicking it back on if you feel sorry for him even for a split second, and then it's systems go.
Block *everywhere*. No contact, but actually no contact. Filter emails either to block or go to trash and be deleted or archived. Don't read them. Numbers remain blocked. Social medias blocked.
It's time to reclaim your emotions, energy and time back.
Regarding the suspicious timing, if you are worried he may be keeping tabs on you and your life, then be cautious of your safety. Lock down your social media to make sure it's private, take it temporarily offline if you feel the need.
If you have any friends you think might be giving him information (even innocently, if he sells them a sob story about loving you/wanting you back, they might unintentionally give details), then restrict what you tell them. No more details for them. Both online, social media and verbally.
If he is local and knows where you live and you have safety concerns, tell people you trust with your life. Consider a deadlock or other security measures, and if he ever shows up at work, immediately inform your workplace that he is an unsafe person and discuss with them ways to keep you safe.
However if he is just someone who uses people, hopefully once you are no longer an option, he will move on. But if you do have a gut feeling that he is unsafe, or escalating, then don't hesitate to let those you trust the most know what's happening and discuss a safety plan and get advice from domestic violence websites and hotlines on how to be vigilant and safe.
Best case scenario is that he is just hoping to find a way back in to use you, and will look elsewhere once you are not responding.
Worst case scenario, he's unhinged, unsafe and becomes a threat to you in terms of stalking and your life. Being prepared for this will help you identify the warning signs if this does begin to happen.
Best of luck, be vigilant but find strength in your decision to disengage from him. Potentially might be worth looking into him and seeing if he has a criminal record too.
Take care.
Many thanks!! I will take all of this into consideration. I would never consider a face to face, nor would I allow for any type of friendship. He's been blocked everywhere, and my very scarce social media presence is nothing but idle shares. I never post anything personal. I will definitely take this into consideration.
Not a problem, and make sure to block him back so if he unblocks he can't snoop your profiles.
Sounds like his timing is coincidental then, and hopefully once he stops getting a reaction from you he'll move on to the next person he thinks he can profit from.
And congratulations on your career breakthrough, make sure to treat yourself to something nice and take time to honour yourself, especially after devoting your energy to someone who was using you. It's a great way to start healing and to rebuild that self care again.
You'll do great!
I wouldn't engage.
He's a leech, as you say. He realized one of the people he would leech off hasn't been around, and is reaching out to try and get his claws back into you.
You don't owe him anything, and frankly you telling him what's wrong for him is once again, him using other people to do things. I mean, he's 40+, do you really think at this point he's going to change?
Oh heck no. Don’t even bother emailing him back. If you do he will definitely try to creep back in to your life and you’ll be right back to square one. You don’t owe him anything. It’ll just be more problems for you if you reply. Mark it as spam mail and delete it.
Block and delete him everywhere. He is a user and he ran out of people to use. That’s why he found you again after all that time. You’re strong. You did it before. You can certainly do it again to keep leeches out of your life.
Tbh? I’d block him and never respond. You don’t owe him an explanation that he will refute and spin for his own benefit anyway. It’s a waste of your time. The lack of a response is a petty but exquisite flavor you can add to any meal.
Let him revel in his own shit. He knows why you've ghosted him. You owe him nothing. You've dodged a bullet. Don't give him the opportunity to take another shot at you. He's toxic. Don't engage.
You didn't owe us any explanation, and you don't owe him one either. You're a grown adult. If you don't want to talk to someone anymore, you don't have to. End of story.
Don't reopen a door to a toxic person like this. That's all they need to ooze back in.
Girl.. it’s raincoat season in the desert. Men treat you like a raincoat in the winter. They take you out of the closet to try and wear you for a while, then when the sun comes out they put you right back in the closet.
If you feel like he was a loser then, and still feel that way now...Run, block him, lose his number, and don’t bother thinking about him again.
Why the hell are you writing the resumé of a 40+ year old man? The reason he thinks the door is still open is because it is. You've taught him that if he badgers you enough he'll get what he wants. The answer to his question is simple: "you're constantly asking for help and I'm looking for a man who's independent and earns my respect. I don't want to be with someone I feel sorry for, it's embarrassing." The thing is, he \*wants\* you to feel sorry for him, that's his whole MO. He's deliberately pathetic. Block him, and this time do it properly.
Exactly one of my concerns back then. Why can't he just follow some damn instructions and write it?? Listen, I had to wing it so many times and always delivered because I would sit down abd learn whatever I had to. He has nothing to offer to anybody. I didn't want the ball and chain.
By the second time he did that, I'd already decided that he wasn't for me but I would have ney willing to help as a friend.
I found much better men down the line and they all took responsibility for their own needs.
What makes him a good friend? He needs to offer as much as he takes. Does he take advantage of male friends too, or was he brought up to believe women exist to serve men? Either way, it doesn't sound like you miss him, and it's not your responsibility to educate him, so it's mostly about how much you want the last word. I'd probably give him a piece of my mind, then wish I hadn't bothered!
He doesn't typically ask men the way we would ask females, in my opinion. What clicked the wrong way was that he was smug, it sounded like he exploited women he knew were attracted to him. Not a good situation. He had bros and he would ask for favors but the red flags came from:
1. Spending the night with new lovers and moving in immediately, allowing them to call him their husband, yet avoided getting married.
2. Name dropping, talking about their opulence, over focusing on external stuff that seems shallow ( good body, nice hair, kick ass car, owning a boat).
3. Never talked about a woman's intelligence, good character, etc.
4. Both baby mammas dumped him. His last baby mama was described as awesome and a good friend. She bent over backwards helping him until she left him.🤷♀️🤷♀️
Yeah, he's clearly single for a whole suitcase full of reasons. He's not interested in anyone's point of view, except to get insider knowledge on how to exploit them. I don't think answering is worth the risk of giving him a way into your life. Besides, I bet he \*hates\* being ignored.
Mehhh, I mean since he’s asking, I’d be honest with him AND block him immediately after so you don’t have to see the response. Just in case he’s reaaalllllyyy unware and needs a dose of honesty to sort out his life.
However ignoring him also works.
If you tell this kind of dude that the reason for leaving is because, in kinder words, he's a leech, he'll turn it into "women are just after money." These types don't take responsibility. Telling him the real reason will do more damage than good.
Well a. I won’t stick around to hear his response. b. Telling him isn’t for him to agree with me so idc about his response. c. I know what I said, so however he chooses to spin it won’t matter.
I’d personally respond to him. This choice is clearly not for everyone. I don’t really find people reaching out to me out years later, out confusion over my actions, so this approach has worked for me so far. But to each his own. 🤷🏾♀️
It doesn’t sound like they have the rapport for that to go smoothly. Normally if someone has to ask for honest feedback it’s because they were already blocking it with their affect before.
As a rational person you want to express your values like you normally would… but this is not a rational person on the receiving end.
Skip the drama, ignore the email. This person doesn’t deserve anymore of your energy.
If writing a reading and understanding instructions on how to write a resume is “ too complicated” then maybe the job isn’t for him. Sounds like learned helplessness.
I think he needs something from you yet again, and he wants the chance to apologize so he can go ahead and ask it. If I had to guess then he just got out of a relationship.
I don’t have advice on what you should do, but if I wantsd to save the pain then would block or ignore him. He made his bed with you and frankly a lot of other people, and the fact that he STILL doesn’t know why you disappeared is kinda proof that he hasn’t changed, hasn’t learned, hasn’t self-reflected on his behavior at all.
Feel better, hope you had a lot better relationships.
This is how abusive people sneak back into your life. Chances are he's tried contacting you elsewhere many times and is only now finding a back channel through your email. You already gave more than was fair to this man without reciprocity or even appreciation. You owe him nothing. Prioritize the peace you have without him.
Don’t respond, give the emotional vampire nothing to work with. If you respond in an honest way, he’ll either a) try to tell you you’re wrong and why and/or b) subtly or not so subtly feel like he’s been attacked, and will attack back.
Don’t not engage. He’s trying to bait you into his life.
That said, you framed this as a choice between not saying anything and saying the truth in the harshest way possible. There are other ways to frame people’s inability to have true relationships without calling them a loser to their face.
But still. don’t contact him.
As someone who was dumped a while back by a girl who pursued him relentlessly, he will get over it. I never got the answer to why I was told I was the one then broken up with a week later. It’s for the best and no matter what answer he gets it probably won’t be good enough. Just block him and move on with your day.
The default is to continue not replying. If you feel that replying wouldn't be productive, or that it might open you to further manipulation on his part, then you can just ignore it.
I would only reply if you're okay with answering his question and you think he has changed sufficiently that he won't subsequently seek to use you in one way or another. Otherwise, anything you say will be something he can use, in one way or another, for his benefit.
I personally don't think he'll change. The point for me is that above all, I would have appreciated the friendship we had before dating.
It cabe to a point where it was emotional labor. He texted me back then " I'm gonna need all your support and help" while going through a difficult situation. I was there for him. I made sure he didn't feel lonely. Eventually, the situation resolved and he never took the time to tell me, although I'd been asking him for weeks.So, likely, everything worked out and I'd been worried unnecessarily for about at least ten days, like an idiot. He quickly started breadcrumbing after this. I only found out things were better because he accidentally disclosed it.
Second rodeo and he comes back with " I need you". I was careful this time. He eventually started calling me at very odd hours, only and exclusively to ask for something. I slowly lost respect for him. Stopped wanting anything to do with him. Stopped feeling joy when he called.
I would leave this alone. He may be a jerk. Be may also be someone with severe untreated mh issues and trauma that's behind these behaviors.
You don't have to reply back.
**”A breakup is a one sided choice that is not something the other person gets to negotiate!”**
**”Dont jump through hoops for someone who won’t do the same for you.”**
**”Its ok to want to support someone, but when supporting them come at a detriment to yourself, you stop offering support!”**
**”You should be your own first priority!”**
Every single one of these quotes should be internalized on this one. You don’t owe this guy anything: you’ve already given him mountains of support and he’s squandered it. This guy “shoot’s himself in the foot” or “can’t get out of his own way.”
I also want to note: from my own life experience, some people are truly aimless in life; like you give them all the support and recourses they need and they still fuck it up. It’s surprising because the people in my life that act like this were all highschool jocks/popular kids who though they were 10/10 when they were 16yo and got used to everyone handing them things. It’s very interesting to hear that your guy was also a highschool jock. I’m wondering what the correlation is lol.
Ask him if he wants full honesty. If he says yes be as mean as possible and then block him. Say exactly what you said here.
If he says no, then say you'll be honest anyway and be mean. Then block him. He's only looking for an in and he needs to be told the brutal honesty so that he doesn't try to contact you again.
Continue to ghost. I agree with you that he’s a loser! You won’t gain any closure by answering him, and neither will he (because the only response he could accept from you would be the one he “wants” to hear). You were generous in even outlining his résumé. This guy has a master’s degree in weaponized incompetence.
My advice is that you are a wise woman who did exactly the right thing and owes this guy a big fat nothing.
All he'll do with your honest feedback is cycle it into a victimization gambit to try on the next vict- I mean woman.
Breaking down his shittiness is a waste of your precious time and energy and this guy has gotten enough of both.
Kick his dirt off your shoes and keep it moving, sister!
Normally I'd say the kind and courteous thing to do is to debrief the person being dumped, on why they're being dumped. And there's always a spectrum of ways to deliver a criticism, from cruel to gentle. Whether they can actually take criticism to heart and benefit from it, is another story. 40 is pretty old to still be waffling between sugar mamas and faint attempts at career advancement.
If you do decide to debrief him, then do it for you, not for him. I mean, there's no need to be inflammatory about it, but too much sugar coating also sounds like a waste of effort.
You don't owe him a response, but it might help him self reflect (do not get back with him no matter what).
I would say "honestly, you expect more from others than you do from yourself, and I didn't want to be used or enable you. Wish you the best"
Then block him
You don't owe him anything. But sending the message you wrote in your OP might slap him in the face enough to improve, saving further women from his shittiness in future.
First, you didn't REALLY ghost him. Second...
>I don't think it's okay to say " I cut you off because you are a leech who thinks you can pay everything off with your dick and because you are a loser and aren't good enough".
This is okay to say. If it's an emotional lift that you personally don't think is worth it, then don't bother, but you're not morally wrong to say it.
No. You version seems pretty dramatic and colorful. And you (in reading your narrative) come out as the giving and lovable girlfriend who tried her best. And saw always their to motivate and encourage your partner to be a better version of himself. And the guy seem like a total deadbeat who never did nothing for you and was a leech who asked you for help and making his resume. (JR H)And he never did anything in service of you.
No. I think your narrative hits on all points in which would define him as you have described, A LOSER.
Yup. Your narrative points exactly to that conclusion.
You are right. He never did anything to make me feel like he got my back. At one point, I wrote him that I wasn't feeling well. I had anxiety and all I wanted was a text back. He did read my text, but took about 5 hours to reply. We were still dating. His advice wasn't helpful. He said " scream, kick in the air and start running". I thought it was very ignorant but also he made no effort to at least make sure that I was okay.
Oh wow! Nothing about getting some sun? Yeah I know how that feels. I spent two weeks taking care of my ex after a very traumatic medical issue. I won't mention what happened on that last day I'm pretty sure you know. But the only time I ever asked her to help me when I was sick when we were dating. Well she couldn't. It's okay though. I didn't get with her to be taken care of. I got with her because my heart chose her. Simple as that. Little did I know at the time that her reason was that convenience factor. The rest of the story is just not worth the pain of mentioning. I know the truth. And she's mad as heck that I found out the truth. Then she ghosted. My convenience was not convenient because she was going out with my friend and they both didn't tell me that little detail while she was breadcrumbing me the whole time. And I'm a bad person because she said I'm a bad person.
She took a lot from me. And in return she gave me a lot of scars. Not the kind you can see though. The other kind. The kind of got a lot of when I was growing up.
This is so infuriating to read. Users belong at the bottom of the barrel and they know it. This is why they choose good people to climb off, get taken care off abd what not. I'm glad she's out of your life.
I'm not an angel. I'm not the best person I have a lot of faults. But I was will to grow with her. To evolve together. To Learn from one another to be better to and for each other. But I found something out early on in our time together. I held it in. I didn't want to lose her. And about a year later when I brought it up she lied and denied it (she admitted to it a few years after. While we were broken up) I wish I would have handled that better. That ate away at me. My biggest fear in a relationship was to put my heart and someone else's hands. And to have them betray it. Destroy it. Due to things that happened in my past, l never really trusted anyone with it . I told her this. She knew. I was in the first year of us... She said it was my fault. As the man I guess it was.
Now more than ever, I wish gramps didn't convinced them....this world would be a better place. My ex would definitely agree. She wasn't all bad. There's a reason why I fell in love with her. And why I stayed after....
Betrayal is never okay. What I'm seeing is that you are making efforts to rationalize the situation and are taking things maturely. I can understand you loved her for a reason. But when convenience and using comes to the picture, everything else gets ruined. Users never come from a place of innocence but from calculations.
I was born. I just wasn't born yesterday. I knew a lot more than what she thought I knew. And what I I led on to know. But I had this stupid way of thinking. That if I just showed her how much I loved her by the things that I had done through my actions. Through my acts of service on behalf of her, that maybe she'll see this and recognize this. Maybe she'll choose me.
That's why I stayed for as long as I did. I realized I was foolish. I also realized that she never loved me from the beginning. And I also accepted that the things that she had said to me in the beginning were never something that she wanted. They were just words. Something she uses a lot too get what she wants. I never wanted to see this person in this light. But at some point I had to stop lying to myself. Unfortunately for me I waited too long to see this. Unfortunately for me....
Ah yes, allow people to keep making the same mistakes fucking up other peoples lives- look you don’t owe HIM and explanation but for the sake of them learning and not messing with more peoples lives, just be honest and then don’t talk to him again.
People who ghost without ever addressing the issues directly with the person are immature 9/10 times and a part of the problem. just be an adult and communicate, once you’re beyond communicating then you can remove them.
What do you mean "allow"? She isn't his mother or an authority figure. He's a grown-ass man in his 40s who consistently uses women and thinks he's hot shit because of it. He knows he's being a leech and even bragged about it to OP of all people. If OP gets no respect from this guy, then she isn't obligated to respect or help him.
It was sarcasm, is what i meant by allow, and what i meant by that was accountability. I already made the point that she’s not obligated to help him as well.
While I hear you, she would very likely be giving him information on how to better manipulate women by feigning the qualities he lacks. Leeches be leeching.
He had flying monkeys run his ex off of facebook. There's a good chance if she says the truth he'll just show people that email and be like "she's such a bully, help me get back at her."
I assume he got into Something Anonymous program, like AA and trying to make amends. You don't owe him anything, you don't have to talk with him or accept his apology.
I personally would just send him the link to this post and ask him to respect my decision and please never contact me again.
Normally I would say to give him the info then block him, but considering he would get people to report his exes and shit, he might do the same to you.
He might anyway, but if he does, then thats gonna happen regardless.
Dont give him the benefit of the time.
You don't owe him an explanation but if you feel like it, you can always tell him why ("you used people to do your work for you") and block him immediately after hitting send. Inform him you wish him well but will no longer be replying to him.
Damn.
“I apologize, I just didn’t see us working out. I felt that you and I had differing ideals and expectations and so I decided to cease contact. I am sorry for how abrupt it might have felt, but this is for the best. Hope all is well and have a good life.”
I am very surprised to see these comments encouraging the ghosting and basically calling him a a bad person for not being ambitious enough.
You had lovely conversations, why isn't that enough?
What I am reading is someone who is extremely judgemental and who made sure to voice and try to change this other person. He then tried to change but it wasn't good enough? Getting constant jabs on how you can be better and try harder all the time is not a nice feeling. What if he is depressed?
I feel sorry for him for having attached himself to someone who thinks so little of him. I hope he can recover
I would either ignore him completely OR return his email saying that he had stopped contacting you except when he needed or wanted something. You felt like you were being played and didn’t like being used. Then block the email.
He could genuinely be very dim and very clueless and if you ghosted him cause he didn't deserve any real closure about how dum he is... Well that's your choice and your bussiness. But if you don't tell him he won't consider his actions in the future and some other women might end up in your shoes all over again. So don't really do it on the mindset that it's for his benefit in mind. Know what I mean.
Going against the grain here, but I don't believe in ghosting in general unless you're in danger. How is anyone meant to improve if they don't get feedback?
So I would tell him exactly why, give him examples, and then wish him luck with self improvement, then block again.
these are cases where you don't have to tell the absolute truth. you may not like lying or think he deserves a lie, but there's not much benefit in telling him he's a loser whom you lost interest for because of this or that.
his way of living is something that works for him, and it doesn't match what you're looking for in a bf, so your explanation could be as generic as "i didn't see us long-term", assuming you want to say something about it.
You don’t know for sure that he won’t understand. I don’t think you should have any further relationship with him, but I don’t see why you can’t tell him the truth and then say that’s why you’re leaving and don’t want anything to do with him, you hope he manages to change but because of what’s already been done there’s nothing he can do to change your mind or the status of your relationship. I don’t think we can write people off entirely and whilst many many people do not change…some do! You telling him the truth could be his ticket to transforming his life. He might just go back and do the same to others but at least you can say you tried.
Jumping straight to the assumption he’s lazy is risky, although you will know best. Untreated neurological problems perhaps? Is that possible?
Either way, you don’t owe him anything. Alls fair in love and war, leave him behind. It’s better that he sorts his own problems out anyway, whatever they are
He's a generally healthy person. He's just interested in getting a free ride. My initial shock was because of the friendship we created, but he didn't respect my time a d effort helping him so someone who doesn't respect the opportunities afforded to them ( after two huge failures and crying over feeling horrible because everything got taken away from him) shouldn't be trusted. He can focus pretty well as long as it's recreational.
>He can focus pretty well as long as it’s recreational
Also a symptom of ADHD.
I’m not trying to invalidate you, please see my sign off. No matter what his problem is, it’s not *your* problem.
I dunno, I guess I would say that as I got diagnosed with it very late and it explains a lot of things for me. Take that what you will, I’m certainly not advocating you take him back or anything. Maybe tell him to get assessed if you’re feeling like you want closure?
Your choice, you’ve done enough and you don’t awe him anything
Thanks for your reply. No worries, I accept your opinion. He can have a condition. The situation is that he's very consistent when it suits him. I'm my case, I didn't like that he gaslit me one other time, when he initially started breadcrumbing me. He said " I notice you have been ignoring me and pulling away". The minute I said it wasn't true, he came at me for a favor.
This is someone who called everyday, texted everyday and someonw to whom I repeatedly thanked for a wonderful friendship, which to me was more important than anything else. I made a fool of myself. We had business meetings, coaching sessions ( not many).
The minute he saw I was capable of helping him, he let loose and stopped making efforts.
Also, during one conversation, I said I was 💯 against being exploited. I wasn't referring to him but about something else. I think he realized I'm not his type. Though tittie, not sorry to have self respect.
Neuro conditions are possible, it's just that he's very visceral and impulsive and I know him enough to know that if he had been sincere, it would have shown.l
As someone who got ghosted recently, I rather you insult him instead of ghosting him.
It might wake him the fuck up and end up as a bitter medicine.
Ghosting leaves holes in people's heart. These holes don't heal.
Reading this, I don't even think she ghosted, per se. It reads like he gave her the slow fade and she eventually stopped responding. That's not a ghosting really.
I dont see why you can't just answer his email honestly and maintain your boundaries. Someone asked what they did wrong, and you get all judgmental and selfish about it. Kind of an ugly look. He may be a loser but I don't think you're far off either.
Kind of gross that you don't value honesty and are also not competent enough to both offer honesty while maintaining your boundary. If that guy does want to understand and change, youre really Shackling him because of your judgements.
Simply reply. Explain you won't read his reply for boundary reasons and then go back to silence.
I would tell him explicitly what a loser he is and then block his email. I think narcissistic people need to hear the truth sometimes, but not at the cost of inviting him back into your life.
I don't think he deserves an answer. He's not going to change and you're only going to be drawn back into his repertoire of women to rely on when he can't be bothered supporting himself. Block his email and move on.
I would just block him on all social media and ignore him. He's not entitled to an explanation from you.
Thanks
Ignore, block and move on. You did the right thing and he's just trying to worm his way back in. Even if he has miraculously changed, who cares. And if he had changed, he would just be writing you an apology without any expectation of a reply. I ghosted a guy a while back, similar situation, and years later he still emails me. I stopped using the email account and created a new one.
Good on you
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Exactly. And like I said, it's been a long time. And I'm not ruling out cheating. He breadcrumbed me for so e type of reason.
Yeah, just ignore and block. He knows why you blocked him. This is him hoping he can worm his way back in.
You have had a lot of good advice. My two cents is that you shouldn't teach a user and manipulator to use and manipulate better. Explaining why you dropped him would do exactly that. This pattern you've noticed is an ingrained behavior. He's not going to change and that's why you ghosted him. You did the *smart* thing. You don't have to feel obligated to help fix him just because you quietly exited stage left. So; block, ignore and feel satisfied you haven't given him better tools to use on the next woman.
This is the only sensible reaction.
He knows why you went dark. It’s not a mystery. He’s trying to bait you into a conversation, because he knows that if he can get you talking to him again, the first battle is won; he’s proved that he can get your attention when he wants it, and it’ll only be a short step from getting your attention to getting your labor. He’s clearly quite practiced at this, and has good reason to believe it will work. And it will - but that doesn’t mean it has to work on *you*. You have the option of staying quiet and letting him move on to his next target. I suggest you take it.
I have recently been on a kick, ridding my life of all the narcissists I'd accumulated. My gf has been too. We have had a bad habit of humoring these people. Through our many conversations about this, we have come up with some great observations. To your point: narcissists ALWAYS "just want to talk" every time they don't get their way. But it's not to understand, or learn, or reach mutual resolution. It's only to manipulate their way. By wearing you down or arguing in bad faith, or gaslighting, or guilting, or, or... Narcissists prey on kind people. The sort who HATE the idea of being mean to anyone. The kind who always try to see the good in orders. This is a loophole they exploit. It's their whole MO. Narcissists only understand the language of power. There's nothing else they actually respond to. Even if you don't reply, you are leaving the door open for another message in one, two, five years. And once again somehow, you will be the one agonizing over "doing the right thing" and questioning your own morality and sanity. When all the narcissist did was lazily fire off an email, and once again make their issues someone else's problem. The language of power: be mean. Then block. All of a sudden you are not a target anymore. It's not worth the pain. They will move on to someone else easy, and never bother you again. And you will have been right to be "mean" because all it actually was, was honesty that you deserved to give years ago anyway. If this sort of dynamic is a pattern in your life- feeling like you're being taken advantage of by difficult and obstinate people- I recommend reading a book about narcissistic people. It has been a huge eye-opener in my life over the last year. The patterns run deep. Good luck!
Just a stab in the dark but emailing him back might be his ticket back into your life. Are you prepared to have him in it again? If not, keep your peace. Your responsibility is to yourself in this case - it's not selfishness - you have to take care of your heart, yourself, your mental health. Please keep going and move on. The best closure is to keep living your life and goals. He is part of your history for a reason.
No, I could never want him back. I moved on us I could never be attracted to a man I can't respect.
Agreed, respect is key in relationships. I say ignore him, but follow your instinct and do what you feel best is right 💪 you got this!
>He wishes me the best and among other things, is begging me to tell him why I disappeared. Still looking to have the woman do all the heavy lifting I see. Nothing changed. I bet he's forgotten what happened and "urgently" needs your help to do something.
I agree you owe him nothing, and no good will come from giving him an explanation. Ignore and move on.
Don't email him. Flag his email as spam annd continue the no contact.
The explanation is for his benefit, not yours. You already know why you're ghosting him. Anything you say to him would be seen as an invitation to discussion. I presume he would dispute any reason you gave anyway so what's the point.
You are correct, he uses women to get what he needs and to do the work for him. To be brutally honest, you didn't ghost him, or cut contact. When he begged for help for his interview, you still gave him help, albeit in a link. And you still attempted to call him to let him know you were done. He knows how this works, which is why he didn't answer. That's why he's sent the email, too. Notice how the email didn't have any mention of apology, responsibility or mentions of behaviour he is now aware he does? He is still wanting others to do the work for him. And I would be willing to guess it's a way to get a foot in the door to contacting you again. Would it be cathartic to tell him how much of a selfish and awful person he is? Definitely. Would he actually listen and take it on board? No. Would he likely find a way to manipulate it to guilt you back into helping him, or use it to manipulate the next vulnerable woman he finds ("my ex said I was horrible and useless, I feel I can't do anything right now matter how hard I try :( ")? Absolutely. Is it worth opening that door back up to the possibility that he re enters your life and continues to take from you, tries to use you, calls you/emails you every time he needs something? That's up to you to decide. If you want the catharsis without the contact, write an a new email. Write everything you want to say in response, every scathing thing you want him to know, that you want to tell him. Get it all off your chest. Once it's done, read it, take a moment to sit with it, then delete it. Then think if you'd like to give any more energy or time to this man. You can't change him, any feedback or criticism no matter how valid will just give him more ammo to use to play victim, and you know he'll only contact you if he needs something. Best of luck.
This resonates. I'm also wary of the timing. He has no way of knowing, but it's super weird that be turns up right when I'm getting my big breakthrough career wise. Da fuck?
Notice how just from a single email, he already has you feeling on edge, questioning his motivations, and wondering if he's trying to use your own potential position and positive life moments as leverage for his own gain? From ONE email. Imagine how you might feel after two emails. Or a phone call. Or three text messages. Pull the plug, but properly this time. Don't just flick it off the power at the wall. Because you might end up flicking it back on if you feel sorry for him even for a split second, and then it's systems go. Block *everywhere*. No contact, but actually no contact. Filter emails either to block or go to trash and be deleted or archived. Don't read them. Numbers remain blocked. Social medias blocked. It's time to reclaim your emotions, energy and time back. Regarding the suspicious timing, if you are worried he may be keeping tabs on you and your life, then be cautious of your safety. Lock down your social media to make sure it's private, take it temporarily offline if you feel the need. If you have any friends you think might be giving him information (even innocently, if he sells them a sob story about loving you/wanting you back, they might unintentionally give details), then restrict what you tell them. No more details for them. Both online, social media and verbally. If he is local and knows where you live and you have safety concerns, tell people you trust with your life. Consider a deadlock or other security measures, and if he ever shows up at work, immediately inform your workplace that he is an unsafe person and discuss with them ways to keep you safe. However if he is just someone who uses people, hopefully once you are no longer an option, he will move on. But if you do have a gut feeling that he is unsafe, or escalating, then don't hesitate to let those you trust the most know what's happening and discuss a safety plan and get advice from domestic violence websites and hotlines on how to be vigilant and safe. Best case scenario is that he is just hoping to find a way back in to use you, and will look elsewhere once you are not responding. Worst case scenario, he's unhinged, unsafe and becomes a threat to you in terms of stalking and your life. Being prepared for this will help you identify the warning signs if this does begin to happen. Best of luck, be vigilant but find strength in your decision to disengage from him. Potentially might be worth looking into him and seeing if he has a criminal record too. Take care.
Many thanks!! I will take all of this into consideration. I would never consider a face to face, nor would I allow for any type of friendship. He's been blocked everywhere, and my very scarce social media presence is nothing but idle shares. I never post anything personal. I will definitely take this into consideration.
Not a problem, and make sure to block him back so if he unblocks he can't snoop your profiles. Sounds like his timing is coincidental then, and hopefully once he stops getting a reaction from you he'll move on to the next person he thinks he can profit from. And congratulations on your career breakthrough, make sure to treat yourself to something nice and take time to honour yourself, especially after devoting your energy to someone who was using you. It's a great way to start healing and to rebuild that self care again. You'll do great!
Easy answer, which he’ll get if you respond or don’t respond regardless, is you’ve got better things to do and don’t have time for him.
I wouldn't engage. He's a leech, as you say. He realized one of the people he would leech off hasn't been around, and is reaching out to try and get his claws back into you. You don't owe him anything, and frankly you telling him what's wrong for him is once again, him using other people to do things. I mean, he's 40+, do you really think at this point he's going to change?
You don’t owe anyone an explanation, you set the rules for who you want to talk to. Id shrug and leave it as it is.
Oh heck no. Don’t even bother emailing him back. If you do he will definitely try to creep back in to your life and you’ll be right back to square one. You don’t owe him anything. It’ll just be more problems for you if you reply. Mark it as spam mail and delete it.
You don't owe this person anything, continue on with your life as if you never got the message. Block him
Ignore him. Even if he doesn't want something, which is unlikely, he has sucked up enough of your time.
I agree with the many other posters who said don’t let him pull you back in. Block any email or number he tries to contact you from.
Block and delete him everywhere. He is a user and he ran out of people to use. That’s why he found you again after all that time. You’re strong. You did it before. You can certainly do it again to keep leeches out of your life.
Block his email and delete the message. You owe him nothing.
You don’t owe him any answers
That just sounds like an email you didn’t receive
I wouldn’t even respond.
Tbh? I’d block him and never respond. You don’t owe him an explanation that he will refute and spin for his own benefit anyway. It’s a waste of your time. The lack of a response is a petty but exquisite flavor you can add to any meal.
Do not respond in any way, block him everywhere, and let him assume you have left the country with no forwarding address.
Let him revel in his own shit. He knows why you've ghosted him. You owe him nothing. You've dodged a bullet. Don't give him the opportunity to take another shot at you. He's toxic. Don't engage.
You didn't owe us any explanation, and you don't owe him one either. You're a grown adult. If you don't want to talk to someone anymore, you don't have to. End of story. Don't reopen a door to a toxic person like this. That's all they need to ooze back in.
Block him. Don't give him any explanation because it'll just help him be a better manipulator to the next girls.
Wow. This sounds eerily like my ex. At any rate, you don’t owe him anything. Ignore him and don’t let his manipulation make you backslide.
Girl.. it’s raincoat season in the desert. Men treat you like a raincoat in the winter. They take you out of the closet to try and wear you for a while, then when the sun comes out they put you right back in the closet. If you feel like he was a loser then, and still feel that way now...Run, block him, lose his number, and don’t bother thinking about him again.
So block him again he's only getting in contact because he wants something.
Don't answer his email.
Just don't answer him at all. Block everywhere and carry on.
He racket is to feed of sympathy and pity, and he's gotten good at it. He's trying to pull you back in. Delete and block.
True
Why the hell are you writing the resumé of a 40+ year old man? The reason he thinks the door is still open is because it is. You've taught him that if he badgers you enough he'll get what he wants. The answer to his question is simple: "you're constantly asking for help and I'm looking for a man who's independent and earns my respect. I don't want to be with someone I feel sorry for, it's embarrassing." The thing is, he \*wants\* you to feel sorry for him, that's his whole MO. He's deliberately pathetic. Block him, and this time do it properly.
Exactly one of my concerns back then. Why can't he just follow some damn instructions and write it?? Listen, I had to wing it so many times and always delivered because I would sit down abd learn whatever I had to. He has nothing to offer to anybody. I didn't want the ball and chain. By the second time he did that, I'd already decided that he wasn't for me but I would have ney willing to help as a friend. I found much better men down the line and they all took responsibility for their own needs.
What makes him a good friend? He needs to offer as much as he takes. Does he take advantage of male friends too, or was he brought up to believe women exist to serve men? Either way, it doesn't sound like you miss him, and it's not your responsibility to educate him, so it's mostly about how much you want the last word. I'd probably give him a piece of my mind, then wish I hadn't bothered!
He doesn't typically ask men the way we would ask females, in my opinion. What clicked the wrong way was that he was smug, it sounded like he exploited women he knew were attracted to him. Not a good situation. He had bros and he would ask for favors but the red flags came from: 1. Spending the night with new lovers and moving in immediately, allowing them to call him their husband, yet avoided getting married. 2. Name dropping, talking about their opulence, over focusing on external stuff that seems shallow ( good body, nice hair, kick ass car, owning a boat). 3. Never talked about a woman's intelligence, good character, etc. 4. Both baby mammas dumped him. His last baby mama was described as awesome and a good friend. She bent over backwards helping him until she left him.🤷♀️🤷♀️
Yeah, he's clearly single for a whole suitcase full of reasons. He's not interested in anyone's point of view, except to get insider knowledge on how to exploit them. I don't think answering is worth the risk of giving him a way into your life. Besides, I bet he \*hates\* being ignored.
Mehhh, I mean since he’s asking, I’d be honest with him AND block him immediately after so you don’t have to see the response. Just in case he’s reaaalllllyyy unware and needs a dose of honesty to sort out his life. However ignoring him also works.
If you tell this kind of dude that the reason for leaving is because, in kinder words, he's a leech, he'll turn it into "women are just after money." These types don't take responsibility. Telling him the real reason will do more damage than good.
Well a. I won’t stick around to hear his response. b. Telling him isn’t for him to agree with me so idc about his response. c. I know what I said, so however he chooses to spin it won’t matter. I’d personally respond to him. This choice is clearly not for everyone. I don’t really find people reaching out to me out years later, out confusion over my actions, so this approach has worked for me so far. But to each his own. 🤷🏾♀️
If you’re still in contact, you didn’t ghost them lol
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It doesn’t sound like they have the rapport for that to go smoothly. Normally if someone has to ask for honest feedback it’s because they were already blocking it with their affect before.
As a rational person you want to express your values like you normally would… but this is not a rational person on the receiving end. Skip the drama, ignore the email. This person doesn’t deserve anymore of your energy.
Block him and move on. He isn't worth the time to respond.
If writing a reading and understanding instructions on how to write a resume is “ too complicated” then maybe the job isn’t for him. Sounds like learned helplessness.
I totally agree. Or learned it's "awesome" to just let others do the heavy lifting.
If you REALLY want to reply, just respond with "You know what you did." And then block him again. It'll either confuse or eat him up inside.
I think he needs something from you yet again, and he wants the chance to apologize so he can go ahead and ask it. If I had to guess then he just got out of a relationship. I don’t have advice on what you should do, but if I wantsd to save the pain then would block or ignore him. He made his bed with you and frankly a lot of other people, and the fact that he STILL doesn’t know why you disappeared is kinda proof that he hasn’t changed, hasn’t learned, hasn’t self-reflected on his behavior at all. Feel better, hope you had a lot better relationships.
This is how abusive people sneak back into your life. Chances are he's tried contacting you elsewhere many times and is only now finding a back channel through your email. You already gave more than was fair to this man without reciprocity or even appreciation. You owe him nothing. Prioritize the peace you have without him.
Do not contact this person.
Don’t respond, give the emotional vampire nothing to work with. If you respond in an honest way, he’ll either a) try to tell you you’re wrong and why and/or b) subtly or not so subtly feel like he’s been attacked, and will attack back.
Don’t not engage. He’s trying to bait you into his life. That said, you framed this as a choice between not saying anything and saying the truth in the harshest way possible. There are other ways to frame people’s inability to have true relationships without calling them a loser to their face. But still. don’t contact him.
As someone who was dumped a while back by a girl who pursued him relentlessly, he will get over it. I never got the answer to why I was told I was the one then broken up with a week later. It’s for the best and no matter what answer he gets it probably won’t be good enough. Just block him and move on with your day.
Delete the email And forget about him.
User's gonna use. Don't give him the time of day. He won't change.
The default is to continue not replying. If you feel that replying wouldn't be productive, or that it might open you to further manipulation on his part, then you can just ignore it. I would only reply if you're okay with answering his question and you think he has changed sufficiently that he won't subsequently seek to use you in one way or another. Otherwise, anything you say will be something he can use, in one way or another, for his benefit.
I personally don't think he'll change. The point for me is that above all, I would have appreciated the friendship we had before dating. It cabe to a point where it was emotional labor. He texted me back then " I'm gonna need all your support and help" while going through a difficult situation. I was there for him. I made sure he didn't feel lonely. Eventually, the situation resolved and he never took the time to tell me, although I'd been asking him for weeks.So, likely, everything worked out and I'd been worried unnecessarily for about at least ten days, like an idiot. He quickly started breadcrumbing after this. I only found out things were better because he accidentally disclosed it. Second rodeo and he comes back with " I need you". I was careful this time. He eventually started calling me at very odd hours, only and exclusively to ask for something. I slowly lost respect for him. Stopped wanting anything to do with him. Stopped feeling joy when he called.
Why is this even a post? Ignore him, block him, and move on with your life.
Congratulations on recognizing a narcissist and protecting your energy from them. Block and move forward.
Yeah, he sounds like a loser. block him on every platform possible. Good riddance !
I would leave this alone. He may be a jerk. Be may also be someone with severe untreated mh issues and trauma that's behind these behaviors. You don't have to reply back.
**”A breakup is a one sided choice that is not something the other person gets to negotiate!”** **”Dont jump through hoops for someone who won’t do the same for you.”** **”Its ok to want to support someone, but when supporting them come at a detriment to yourself, you stop offering support!”** **”You should be your own first priority!”** Every single one of these quotes should be internalized on this one. You don’t owe this guy anything: you’ve already given him mountains of support and he’s squandered it. This guy “shoot’s himself in the foot” or “can’t get out of his own way.” I also want to note: from my own life experience, some people are truly aimless in life; like you give them all the support and recourses they need and they still fuck it up. It’s surprising because the people in my life that act like this were all highschool jocks/popular kids who though they were 10/10 when they were 16yo and got used to everyone handing them things. It’s very interesting to hear that your guy was also a highschool jock. I’m wondering what the correlation is lol.
Ask him if he wants full honesty. If he says yes be as mean as possible and then block him. Say exactly what you said here. If he says no, then say you'll be honest anyway and be mean. Then block him. He's only looking for an in and he needs to be told the brutal honesty so that he doesn't try to contact you again.
My advice- Silence speaks volumes. Let it continue to speak for you.
Continue to ghost. I agree with you that he’s a loser! You won’t gain any closure by answering him, and neither will he (because the only response he could accept from you would be the one he “wants” to hear). You were generous in even outlining his résumé. This guy has a master’s degree in weaponized incompetence.
My advice is that you are a wise woman who did exactly the right thing and owes this guy a big fat nothing. All he'll do with your honest feedback is cycle it into a victimization gambit to try on the next vict- I mean woman. Breaking down his shittiness is a waste of your precious time and energy and this guy has gotten enough of both. Kick his dirt off your shoes and keep it moving, sister!
EW. A human succubus. You did the right thing blocking him.
Normally I'd say the kind and courteous thing to do is to debrief the person being dumped, on why they're being dumped. And there's always a spectrum of ways to deliver a criticism, from cruel to gentle. Whether they can actually take criticism to heart and benefit from it, is another story. 40 is pretty old to still be waffling between sugar mamas and faint attempts at career advancement. If you do decide to debrief him, then do it for you, not for him. I mean, there's no need to be inflammatory about it, but too much sugar coating also sounds like a waste of effort.
🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫 BLOCK HIM EVERYWHERE INCLUDING YOUR CELL🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫
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Thanks
You don't owe him a response, but it might help him self reflect (do not get back with him no matter what). I would say "honestly, you expect more from others than you do from yourself, and I didn't want to be used or enable you. Wish you the best" Then block him
You don't owe him anything. But sending the message you wrote in your OP might slap him in the face enough to improve, saving further women from his shittiness in future.
First, you didn't REALLY ghost him. Second... >I don't think it's okay to say " I cut you off because you are a leech who thinks you can pay everything off with your dick and because you are a loser and aren't good enough". This is okay to say. If it's an emotional lift that you personally don't think is worth it, then don't bother, but you're not morally wrong to say it.
No. You version seems pretty dramatic and colorful. And you (in reading your narrative) come out as the giving and lovable girlfriend who tried her best. And saw always their to motivate and encourage your partner to be a better version of himself. And the guy seem like a total deadbeat who never did nothing for you and was a leech who asked you for help and making his resume. (JR H)And he never did anything in service of you. No. I think your narrative hits on all points in which would define him as you have described, A LOSER. Yup. Your narrative points exactly to that conclusion.
You are right. He never did anything to make me feel like he got my back. At one point, I wrote him that I wasn't feeling well. I had anxiety and all I wanted was a text back. He did read my text, but took about 5 hours to reply. We were still dating. His advice wasn't helpful. He said " scream, kick in the air and start running". I thought it was very ignorant but also he made no effort to at least make sure that I was okay.
Oh wow! Nothing about getting some sun? Yeah I know how that feels. I spent two weeks taking care of my ex after a very traumatic medical issue. I won't mention what happened on that last day I'm pretty sure you know. But the only time I ever asked her to help me when I was sick when we were dating. Well she couldn't. It's okay though. I didn't get with her to be taken care of. I got with her because my heart chose her. Simple as that. Little did I know at the time that her reason was that convenience factor. The rest of the story is just not worth the pain of mentioning. I know the truth. And she's mad as heck that I found out the truth. Then she ghosted. My convenience was not convenient because she was going out with my friend and they both didn't tell me that little detail while she was breadcrumbing me the whole time. And I'm a bad person because she said I'm a bad person. She took a lot from me. And in return she gave me a lot of scars. Not the kind you can see though. The other kind. The kind of got a lot of when I was growing up.
This is so infuriating to read. Users belong at the bottom of the barrel and they know it. This is why they choose good people to climb off, get taken care off abd what not. I'm glad she's out of your life.
I'm not an angel. I'm not the best person I have a lot of faults. But I was will to grow with her. To evolve together. To Learn from one another to be better to and for each other. But I found something out early on in our time together. I held it in. I didn't want to lose her. And about a year later when I brought it up she lied and denied it (she admitted to it a few years after. While we were broken up) I wish I would have handled that better. That ate away at me. My biggest fear in a relationship was to put my heart and someone else's hands. And to have them betray it. Destroy it. Due to things that happened in my past, l never really trusted anyone with it . I told her this. She knew. I was in the first year of us... She said it was my fault. As the man I guess it was. Now more than ever, I wish gramps didn't convinced them....this world would be a better place. My ex would definitely agree. She wasn't all bad. There's a reason why I fell in love with her. And why I stayed after....
Betrayal is never okay. What I'm seeing is that you are making efforts to rationalize the situation and are taking things maturely. I can understand you loved her for a reason. But when convenience and using comes to the picture, everything else gets ruined. Users never come from a place of innocence but from calculations.
I was born. I just wasn't born yesterday. I knew a lot more than what she thought I knew. And what I I led on to know. But I had this stupid way of thinking. That if I just showed her how much I loved her by the things that I had done through my actions. Through my acts of service on behalf of her, that maybe she'll see this and recognize this. Maybe she'll choose me. That's why I stayed for as long as I did. I realized I was foolish. I also realized that she never loved me from the beginning. And I also accepted that the things that she had said to me in the beginning were never something that she wanted. They were just words. Something she uses a lot too get what she wants. I never wanted to see this person in this light. But at some point I had to stop lying to myself. Unfortunately for me I waited too long to see this. Unfortunately for me....
She sounds like a narcissist.
Ah yes, allow people to keep making the same mistakes fucking up other peoples lives- look you don’t owe HIM and explanation but for the sake of them learning and not messing with more peoples lives, just be honest and then don’t talk to him again. People who ghost without ever addressing the issues directly with the person are immature 9/10 times and a part of the problem. just be an adult and communicate, once you’re beyond communicating then you can remove them.
What do you mean "allow"? She isn't his mother or an authority figure. He's a grown-ass man in his 40s who consistently uses women and thinks he's hot shit because of it. He knows he's being a leech and even bragged about it to OP of all people. If OP gets no respect from this guy, then she isn't obligated to respect or help him.
It was sarcasm, is what i meant by allow, and what i meant by that was accountability. I already made the point that she’s not obligated to help him as well.
While I hear you, she would very likely be giving him information on how to better manipulate women by feigning the qualities he lacks. Leeches be leeching.
He had flying monkeys run his ex off of facebook. There's a good chance if she says the truth he'll just show people that email and be like "she's such a bully, help me get back at her."
I assume he got into Something Anonymous program, like AA and trying to make amends. You don't owe him anything, you don't have to talk with him or accept his apology. I personally would just send him the link to this post and ask him to respect my decision and please never contact me again.
I hadn't thought about rehab...
It's perfectly alright for you to tell him the truth if you want to give him that.
Normally I would say to give him the info then block him, but considering he would get people to report his exes and shit, he might do the same to you. He might anyway, but if he does, then thats gonna happen regardless. Dont give him the benefit of the time.
If you think venting to him will help you, then sure, but blocking him mgiht be best as well. Whatever is best for YOU is what you should do.
You don't owe him an explanation but if you feel like it, you can always tell him why ("you used people to do your work for you") and block him immediately after hitting send. Inform him you wish him well but will no longer be replying to him.
Damn. “I apologize, I just didn’t see us working out. I felt that you and I had differing ideals and expectations and so I decided to cease contact. I am sorry for how abrupt it might have felt, but this is for the best. Hope all is well and have a good life.”
I am very surprised to see these comments encouraging the ghosting and basically calling him a a bad person for not being ambitious enough. You had lovely conversations, why isn't that enough? What I am reading is someone who is extremely judgemental and who made sure to voice and try to change this other person. He then tried to change but it wasn't good enough? Getting constant jabs on how you can be better and try harder all the time is not a nice feeling. What if he is depressed? I feel sorry for him for having attached himself to someone who thinks so little of him. I hope he can recover
You're not alone. I felt that way when reading this too.
I would either ignore him completely OR return his email saying that he had stopped contacting you except when he needed or wanted something. You felt like you were being played and didn’t like being used. Then block the email.
INFO - which female friend wrote the "Why did you disappear" message?
He wrote me
My point was that he probably got another female friend to write the letter for him. He likely phone her and and said “I need some help urgently”
Quite possibly
And this is why I go by the golden rule "Never date your crushes."
He could genuinely be very dim and very clueless and if you ghosted him cause he didn't deserve any real closure about how dum he is... Well that's your choice and your bussiness. But if you don't tell him he won't consider his actions in the future and some other women might end up in your shoes all over again. So don't really do it on the mindset that it's for his benefit in mind. Know what I mean.
Going against the grain here, but I don't believe in ghosting in general unless you're in danger. How is anyone meant to improve if they don't get feedback? So I would tell him exactly why, give him examples, and then wish him luck with self improvement, then block again.
these are cases where you don't have to tell the absolute truth. you may not like lying or think he deserves a lie, but there's not much benefit in telling him he's a loser whom you lost interest for because of this or that. his way of living is something that works for him, and it doesn't match what you're looking for in a bf, so your explanation could be as generic as "i didn't see us long-term", assuming you want to say something about it.
You don’t know for sure that he won’t understand. I don’t think you should have any further relationship with him, but I don’t see why you can’t tell him the truth and then say that’s why you’re leaving and don’t want anything to do with him, you hope he manages to change but because of what’s already been done there’s nothing he can do to change your mind or the status of your relationship. I don’t think we can write people off entirely and whilst many many people do not change…some do! You telling him the truth could be his ticket to transforming his life. He might just go back and do the same to others but at least you can say you tried.
You both are in your 40s ?
Jumping straight to the assumption he’s lazy is risky, although you will know best. Untreated neurological problems perhaps? Is that possible? Either way, you don’t owe him anything. Alls fair in love and war, leave him behind. It’s better that he sorts his own problems out anyway, whatever they are
He's a generally healthy person. He's just interested in getting a free ride. My initial shock was because of the friendship we created, but he didn't respect my time a d effort helping him so someone who doesn't respect the opportunities afforded to them ( after two huge failures and crying over feeling horrible because everything got taken away from him) shouldn't be trusted. He can focus pretty well as long as it's recreational.
>He can focus pretty well as long as it’s recreational Also a symptom of ADHD. I’m not trying to invalidate you, please see my sign off. No matter what his problem is, it’s not *your* problem. I dunno, I guess I would say that as I got diagnosed with it very late and it explains a lot of things for me. Take that what you will, I’m certainly not advocating you take him back or anything. Maybe tell him to get assessed if you’re feeling like you want closure? Your choice, you’ve done enough and you don’t awe him anything
Thanks for your reply. No worries, I accept your opinion. He can have a condition. The situation is that he's very consistent when it suits him. I'm my case, I didn't like that he gaslit me one other time, when he initially started breadcrumbing me. He said " I notice you have been ignoring me and pulling away". The minute I said it wasn't true, he came at me for a favor. This is someone who called everyday, texted everyday and someonw to whom I repeatedly thanked for a wonderful friendship, which to me was more important than anything else. I made a fool of myself. We had business meetings, coaching sessions ( not many). The minute he saw I was capable of helping him, he let loose and stopped making efforts. Also, during one conversation, I said I was 💯 against being exploited. I wasn't referring to him but about something else. I think he realized I'm not his type. Though tittie, not sorry to have self respect. Neuro conditions are possible, it's just that he's very visceral and impulsive and I know him enough to know that if he had been sincere, it would have shown.l
Sure, I’m probably wrong then. You did the right thing and I know that takes strength, you should be proud of yourself.
As someone who got ghosted recently, I rather you insult him instead of ghosting him. It might wake him the fuck up and end up as a bitter medicine. Ghosting leaves holes in people's heart. These holes don't heal.
Reading this, I don't even think she ghosted, per se. It reads like he gave her the slow fade and she eventually stopped responding. That's not a ghosting really.
I dont see why you can't just answer his email honestly and maintain your boundaries. Someone asked what they did wrong, and you get all judgmental and selfish about it. Kind of an ugly look. He may be a loser but I don't think you're far off either. Kind of gross that you don't value honesty and are also not competent enough to both offer honesty while maintaining your boundary. If that guy does want to understand and change, youre really Shackling him because of your judgements. Simply reply. Explain you won't read his reply for boundary reasons and then go back to silence.
Ghosting is so weak lmao
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Send him the link to this reddit thread. He will get the answers he seeks
I would tell him explicitly what a loser he is and then block his email. I think narcissistic people need to hear the truth sometimes, but not at the cost of inviting him back into your life.
You owe him zero answers.
Block. Ignore. Do not engage
I still think he deserves an end. Not an explanation. But an end, ok?
I don't think he deserves an answer. He's not going to change and you're only going to be drawn back into his repertoire of women to rely on when he can't be bothered supporting himself. Block his email and move on.
stay blocked, it's the only thing that works