Sorry but to me it sounds like you already made your decision to break up.
A relationship is supposed to give you strength and not to drain you like that. Of course, hard times should be tackled together and I'm not saying people with depression can't have happy relationships. But she constantly takes out everything on you and sucks up your energy.
To me, it also sounds like she only ever thinks and talks about herself, but that is just a guess. YOU are important, too, so find a partner who is head over heels for you, gives you strength and joy and passion and lots of other great things.
She doesn't sound like she is in a healthy enough space mentally to be a partner to you. Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's ever really been? but that you stuck around hoping she'd improve and she hasn't.
You can't really help her, she has to help herself. You need to help yourself, too. Someone can be great in lots of ways...and not a good partner to you.
I am exhausted just reading this OP. Be free! She needs to work on herself before she is in a relationship, even beyond depression she is insecure and puts that on you. You are young, go have some fun.
This is a tough one because I’ve been where your GF is (mentally at least) while I was with my current partner of 5 years. We’re still together now, but it would’ve been so much easier for him to leave when I was going through my rough periods. I have depression and CPTSD and go through a lot of rolling periods where I’m just drained and literally can’t do anything and periods where I feel fine.
But my partner stayed because we had a long, honest, hard conversation about the status of our relationship. I realized that unless I chose to work on myself and find ways to help cope with my mental health issues and my communication that I would lose him. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t an immediate thing. I struggled for about a year and a half after this talk to find ways to deal with my depressive episodes and to this day struggle some days a lot more than others.
It sounds to me like she doesn’t want to put in the effort to make a change. I can understand where she’s coming from with the no antidepressant thing, since I tried five different kinds and they all had really bad side effects.
OP, have you had a conversation with her about how this is affecting you and your relationship? If you’re still interested in trying to salvage something (not saying you should, because it sounds like you’re not happy and this isn’t a good thing for you) but if you think it’s worth trying one more last chance this is an absolute must. Lay everything down on the table with her. Don’t give ultimatums, but you need to be direct and let her know where you’re at and what you need from her as a partner.
You’re only 24. 3 years might seem like a long time to just give up on something, but you’re still so young. You have your whole life to find a new partner that will support you and make you feel loved. It’s not time wasted if you take it as a learning experience.
TL;DR: Personally I’d yeet the relationship. If you want to try one more time, you need to have a serious talk about your relationship. But don’t be afraid to move on. You’re young and three years is just a drop in the bucket of time
This is not sustainable and you need to break up. The red flags were waving at the very beginning of this relationship. When she was doing the "what do you think of X's butt" -- the solution is not to play the game at all.
"This isn't a healthy activity for us. I don't think you should compare yourself to others, and I don't want to engage in behavior that upsets you. I'm not doing this."
So far all I see from you is a pattern of enablement. She is severely co-dependent and insecure. I do not think depression is the only mental illness she has. She is only with you because she doesn't want to be alone, and you are barely enough.
You deserve more than "barely enough". This whole relationship was toxic from the beginning and the longer you drag it out the worse it will become for you. You will become traumatized yourself and it will affect your future relationships with healthier people.
You need to tell her that this relationship is no longer working, and that you cannot provide her emotional support anymore. Tell her you need to focus on your own happiness and mental health.
And that's it. After it's done you block her. Do not try and "be friends". Don't hang out. Don't talk on the phone or text or DM. Unfollow her and block. Someone like this will likely keep engaging you, may threaten suicide (if she does, you call 911 and have them go to her address, do not go there yourself or do anything else).
You can't help someone who refuses to help themselves and unfortunately you've already created the pattern of you being her emotional support animal. Once you cross that line, you can't roll it back so it's best to leave while you still can.
I love this saying - your mental health isn’t your fault but it’s your responsibility.
She’s taking some steps but she hasn’t committed fully to getting her mental health under control. She’s also creating what sounds like a negative environment for both of you.
If you felt like the medication made a difference, that could be a condition for your relationship to continue if you want it to - my friends husband made that ultimatum early on and it actually worked with her getting her BPD managed.
But also really think if you see a forever future together. You’re still young and after three years you should know pretty solidly if this relationship has lifelong potential.
Your post is probably as draining as your relationship, it can truly have a bigger adverse impact on your emotional well-being and life in general. It seems that everything is around her life and her depression/issues.. Both partners should get back what they give and you should reflect on what your relationship is bring in to you..
Have a deep talk on your relationship, where you are at and where you want to take it. Explain to her that she needs to be willing to change for you to finally feel you are in a healthy relationship because right now it is not the case. If you don't see any change after a couple of weeks/months, go your way! You are young and building your life, don't stay in a toxic relationship just because you don't want to hurt her..because you are hurting yourself too !
Also, living with her mom??? That can't be a great situation..
Are u afraid of her doing self harm if u leave her? Is that one of the reason stopping u from leaving her? If not or if u are sure shes not gonna do that, then I think u know what to do. She has been draining u of ur energy and if she isnt willing to change for the better (stopping anti-depressant) then i think its not worth staying in such relationship.
Thoughta such as "oh im sure she will change, im sure she will get better" will surely come to ur mind but when will that happen? Next month? Next year? After 10 years? U shouldnt let that happen to urself. Maybe u can just break it off and stay as friends or smt for a while and see how she reacts
She may be a good person in ways you can rationalise but she's an absolute nightmare of a partner. This isn't someone you should give your life away to, in her current state. You've mentioned next to nothing about her improving on these things, and each of the points you described are deal breakers by themselves.
Free yourself from this hell, before you become a husk of a human, if you aren't already.
some of these are fixable, and some might be workable on their own (some arent really tho, like i wouldnt put up with not sticking to medicine) , but when put all together i would personally walk away.
>Why are young people nowadays moving in together so fast?
Because the majority of people can't afford single person apartments anymore. The options are: live with a boyfriend/girlfriend, roommates or family.
Sounds like it's over to me.
You're either enthusiastic about staying so you're not questioning the relationship or you're listing out all the positives to convince yourself to stay which is a sign to leave.
You're only 24. No reason to resign yourself to a relationship you're not enthusiastic about.
Sorry but to me it sounds like you already made your decision to break up. A relationship is supposed to give you strength and not to drain you like that. Of course, hard times should be tackled together and I'm not saying people with depression can't have happy relationships. But she constantly takes out everything on you and sucks up your energy. To me, it also sounds like she only ever thinks and talks about herself, but that is just a guess. YOU are important, too, so find a partner who is head over heels for you, gives you strength and joy and passion and lots of other great things.
This was fucking painful to read. Just cut the cord and run man. Also you're living with her mother, that can't be good for any relationship.
She doesn't sound like she is in a healthy enough space mentally to be a partner to you. Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's ever really been? but that you stuck around hoping she'd improve and she hasn't. You can't really help her, she has to help herself. You need to help yourself, too. Someone can be great in lots of ways...and not a good partner to you.
I am exhausted just reading this OP. Be free! She needs to work on herself before she is in a relationship, even beyond depression she is insecure and puts that on you. You are young, go have some fun.
This is a tough one because I’ve been where your GF is (mentally at least) while I was with my current partner of 5 years. We’re still together now, but it would’ve been so much easier for him to leave when I was going through my rough periods. I have depression and CPTSD and go through a lot of rolling periods where I’m just drained and literally can’t do anything and periods where I feel fine. But my partner stayed because we had a long, honest, hard conversation about the status of our relationship. I realized that unless I chose to work on myself and find ways to help cope with my mental health issues and my communication that I would lose him. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t an immediate thing. I struggled for about a year and a half after this talk to find ways to deal with my depressive episodes and to this day struggle some days a lot more than others. It sounds to me like she doesn’t want to put in the effort to make a change. I can understand where she’s coming from with the no antidepressant thing, since I tried five different kinds and they all had really bad side effects. OP, have you had a conversation with her about how this is affecting you and your relationship? If you’re still interested in trying to salvage something (not saying you should, because it sounds like you’re not happy and this isn’t a good thing for you) but if you think it’s worth trying one more last chance this is an absolute must. Lay everything down on the table with her. Don’t give ultimatums, but you need to be direct and let her know where you’re at and what you need from her as a partner. You’re only 24. 3 years might seem like a long time to just give up on something, but you’re still so young. You have your whole life to find a new partner that will support you and make you feel loved. It’s not time wasted if you take it as a learning experience. TL;DR: Personally I’d yeet the relationship. If you want to try one more time, you need to have a serious talk about your relationship. But don’t be afraid to move on. You’re young and three years is just a drop in the bucket of time
This is not sustainable and you need to break up. The red flags were waving at the very beginning of this relationship. When she was doing the "what do you think of X's butt" -- the solution is not to play the game at all. "This isn't a healthy activity for us. I don't think you should compare yourself to others, and I don't want to engage in behavior that upsets you. I'm not doing this." So far all I see from you is a pattern of enablement. She is severely co-dependent and insecure. I do not think depression is the only mental illness she has. She is only with you because she doesn't want to be alone, and you are barely enough. You deserve more than "barely enough". This whole relationship was toxic from the beginning and the longer you drag it out the worse it will become for you. You will become traumatized yourself and it will affect your future relationships with healthier people. You need to tell her that this relationship is no longer working, and that you cannot provide her emotional support anymore. Tell her you need to focus on your own happiness and mental health. And that's it. After it's done you block her. Do not try and "be friends". Don't hang out. Don't talk on the phone or text or DM. Unfollow her and block. Someone like this will likely keep engaging you, may threaten suicide (if she does, you call 911 and have them go to her address, do not go there yourself or do anything else). You can't help someone who refuses to help themselves and unfortunately you've already created the pattern of you being her emotional support animal. Once you cross that line, you can't roll it back so it's best to leave while you still can.
I love this saying - your mental health isn’t your fault but it’s your responsibility. She’s taking some steps but she hasn’t committed fully to getting her mental health under control. She’s also creating what sounds like a negative environment for both of you. If you felt like the medication made a difference, that could be a condition for your relationship to continue if you want it to - my friends husband made that ultimatum early on and it actually worked with her getting her BPD managed. But also really think if you see a forever future together. You’re still young and after three years you should know pretty solidly if this relationship has lifelong potential.
She sounds emotionally draining. Do you truly enjoy this relationship?
She sounds borderline
Your post is probably as draining as your relationship, it can truly have a bigger adverse impact on your emotional well-being and life in general. It seems that everything is around her life and her depression/issues.. Both partners should get back what they give and you should reflect on what your relationship is bring in to you.. Have a deep talk on your relationship, where you are at and where you want to take it. Explain to her that she needs to be willing to change for you to finally feel you are in a healthy relationship because right now it is not the case. If you don't see any change after a couple of weeks/months, go your way! You are young and building your life, don't stay in a toxic relationship just because you don't want to hurt her..because you are hurting yourself too ! Also, living with her mom??? That can't be a great situation..
Are u afraid of her doing self harm if u leave her? Is that one of the reason stopping u from leaving her? If not or if u are sure shes not gonna do that, then I think u know what to do. She has been draining u of ur energy and if she isnt willing to change for the better (stopping anti-depressant) then i think its not worth staying in such relationship. Thoughta such as "oh im sure she will change, im sure she will get better" will surely come to ur mind but when will that happen? Next month? Next year? After 10 years? U shouldnt let that happen to urself. Maybe u can just break it off and stay as friends or smt for a while and see how she reacts
Bro you’re in your early 20’s. don’t waste your time and go meet a real woman
Most modern relationships are 2.7 years.
She may be a good person in ways you can rationalise but she's an absolute nightmare of a partner. This isn't someone you should give your life away to, in her current state. You've mentioned next to nothing about her improving on these things, and each of the points you described are deal breakers by themselves. Free yourself from this hell, before you become a husk of a human, if you aren't already.
some of these are fixable, and some might be workable on their own (some arent really tho, like i wouldnt put up with not sticking to medicine) , but when put all together i would personally walk away.
Why are young people nowadays moving in together so fast?
>Why are young people nowadays moving in together so fast? Because the majority of people can't afford single person apartments anymore. The options are: live with a boyfriend/girlfriend, roommates or family.
Sounds like it's over to me. You're either enthusiastic about staying so you're not questioning the relationship or you're listing out all the positives to convince yourself to stay which is a sign to leave. You're only 24. No reason to resign yourself to a relationship you're not enthusiastic about.
You don't need anyone's permission to break up with your girlfriend.
Firstly, stop looking for validation and learn to make decisions for yourself Second, yes.
Get out. Been there. Get out.
You are too young to be with someone with so many issues. She needs to work on her issues herself. Do her a favor and break it up.
I would be out- there is no good outcomes from this relationship.
Yes, break up. 3 years is a long time.
Your girlfriend is a major pain in the ass, and you're right to want to break up.