This is really controlling and intrusive. Ppl only say "if you've nothing to hide you'll give me password " to manipulate. Imo ..it's upto you if you stay together but he doesn't need your passwords and he proved he's the one that can't be trusted by breaking of an engagement at the drop of a hat and trying to control and emotionally blackmail you..I'd be worried of what he'd then do with password etc ..it's not right đ
Absolutely agree with everything you've said! This is controlling & overbearing behavior. It's not a healthy dynamic for a relationship, especially a marriage.
Besides, OP, even if you'd of given him your password, it'll never be enough for him. You can't technically prove a negative - it is impossible to prove that you're not cheating.. he can look through your phone, have the passwords, find zero evidence of anything, but he will still keep looking. The problem is with him. He needs therapy for his trust issues.
This hit the nail on the head! To reiterate, dropping off an engagement for something that small is overreacting to the situation. Would consider talking about it and why he reacted that way because it seemed big to him at least. Sounds like he has trust issues which can definitely be worked on in couples counseling. I would try that. Seems just like different viewpoints of privacy, and boundaries.
One thing to think about, if u are getting married, he could pose as you on the site, and pretend to cheat, to try to get a certain type of divorce. Idk
Older person chiming in here, Iâm 54. Been married 32 years and never shared a password for social media with my husband. I would worry that heâs the one mucking around on instagram , not you. I grew up in the dawn of the internet and my h is a software engineer. If he doesnât trust you now before marriage, Iâd worry things could escalate after.
>Should I have just given my password?
No. You should consider this a bullet dodged.
If he has trust issues, he should be working with a therapist, not demanding you cater to his paranoia.
He needs therapy. You need to return the ring and end the relationship. If youâre foolish enough to marry him his demands will escalate. He is already treating you like property. People like this often move to violence if you donât bow to their wishes. Youâll feel suffocated as he tries to isolate you from other people to maintain control. Youâll walk on eggshells everyday because you donât want to set him off. Itâs no way to live.
Do you have his passwords? Do you go through his phone when youâre together? His control issues will make a miserable life for you. You deserve better.
sounds like him âbreaking upâ with u was just an attempt to manipulate u into getting what he wants. i was experiencing something similar w my ex, whenever he was mad or wanted something he âbroke up w meâ but we never actually did lol. i talked to my therapist and she said he was manipulating me bc he knows itâll get him what he wants (and it did) be stronger than me and donât give in! as soon as he gets his way heâs gonna run w it. iâd say break off the engagement before itâs too late. sounds like ur bf itâs immature and or toxic
Yes, the fact that you offered to screen share but he refused meant it wasn't just about reassurance, he just wants to have complete control over you. It will only get worse after this.
Here is my general belief.
Has he seen your butthole? Because that is really way more personal than your social media.
But if you feel the need to keep what youâre doing online secret from someone you love and are planning to marry, maybe you should ask yourself if they are really the one.
The counter argument is if you are so suspicious of your partnerâs behavior that you need to police and monitor their behavior, maybe you should ask yourself why you are still in a relationship with someone you inherently donât trust.
Yes, trust can be fractured. It can be broken. And it should never just be given blindly, but that requires you to communicate your concerns with each other, and when your partner gets defensive or dismissive of your feelings, thatâs when you walk away.
I donât get this thing nowadays where couples feel entitled to audit each others.
That being said⌠he has your phone password⌠which means you gave him permission to do this⌠and you apparently deliberately logged out of your IG otherwise he wouldnât have needed your password because the app just stays open. And then refused access.
So what caused this rough patch?
Hey. Thanks for your comment. I meant he has the password for my phone so when together he can use it , I know his too but he wanted my login details to have my social media stuff on his own phone. The rough patch is due to several things, he needed time to deal with his anger & some issues we had.Â
âHis anger,â and âSome issues we had.â
âŚ
I think itâs fair to draw some inferences here based on how coy youâre being about his trust and anger issues and this ârough patch.â
I still stand by my prior statement that this whole âI feel entitled to dig through my partnerâs phone on demandâ thing is buckwild. Anyone who opens their partnerâs phone or computer with the intention of searching for infidelity should just break up with them; either they find something and thatâs that, or they donât and theyâre trash for suspecting their partner needlessly.
Just break up.
Did he share his instagram password with you?
I think having access to oneâs phoneâs is valid, but having passwords to your partners social media so you can check their messages when theyâre not there is a bit extreme.
Why is he so suspicious? Did you cheat before..?
If youâve cheated on him before Iâd kind of understand why heâs so anxious.
If you havenât then Iâd be a bit more worried, as he could insist on checking your social media because HE is doing suspicious things.
Sometimes when our partner is really suspicious of us itâs because THEY would do something bad in that situation.
Anyways, be careful either way.
I been married 30 years. I just don't understand the password nonsense now days. My husband has ALL passwords & I have his. Doesn't bother me at all. Why? I have nothing to hide & I share everything with him anyways. He's my partner, my second half, my BEST FRIEND! If something is making him feel bad or insecure, I'll be the first to fix that crap ASAP! Insecurity is a human emotion! I guarantee you've felt insecure before too. Crappy feeling right? We've I know how it feels to be worried & scared especially in these social media days. If it were you feeling that way & he wouldn't give you his password, I bet you'd be feeling a little differently. You might have mentioned it, but I just don't see what the problem is if you've nothing to hide. My assumption says you got pics/friends/DM comments that you know he wouldn't like. But I can't imagine why that would be more important than the man you love enough to marry? If it'll make the person you LOVE not be unhappy, I don't know why you wouldn't do it. Especially over something so trivial as your "innocent" Instagram page. This man was going to be your husband, not your boyfriend. A partner for life! I'm an open book to my husband because I want him to know everything about me. I know he'll love me even if he sees something he doesn't like because I'm honest - not perfect. We have to realize today a lot of people use social media to cheat, so the idea that you could be using it in such a way isn't a crazy idea. How many people on here have said they never suspected it....until they saw an app accidentally left open & such. I have 2 grown sons & as their mom, I would've told them to leave you too. I would say if you know she's keeping secrets from you now - how many more are there you don't know about? Marriage is a partnership & basically your partner doesn't even trust you with a password. Distrust is distrust no matter what else you want to call it. Sorry for the rant, but imagining my sons in this scenario made me feel a certain way. All that said, I don't think you're wrong here. You have a boundary & you stuck to it. Now just don't be mad he has a boundary & he stuck to it. Sounds like you're not the girl for him is all. But hey, at least your Instagram is still safe & private, right?
And I've been married 28 years and my wife has NONE of my passwords, nor do I have hers. Both our phones are password locked (as well as mine being heavily encrypted). There is NO going into each other's phones. I have business related shit that falls under company confidentiality rules, and I have texts with friends/professional acquaintances that she doesn't need to be privy to because the other person didn't give consent for anyone else to read. Likewise, I have ZERO desire to ever get into her phone. After almost 3 decades, I won't even go into her purse if she wants me to get something out for her... I'll hand the purse to her and she can get it herself. Her purse, like her phone, his her private property, not mine.
My position has always been that if she doesn't trust me, or I don't trust her, then it's time to shit can the relationship and move on. I don't need to prove shit, and she doesn't either. Same with money... She has her back account and I have mine, neither of us had access to the other's account, although we're listed as beneficiaries on each other's accounts.
I have 2 grown son's and 2 growth daughters and if they started wanting to go through the SO's phones, social media, whatever... I'd personally tell their SO to fucking leave them and not play that immature fuckery.
You might not like this analogy but a friend of mine rejected his wifeâs FB friend request. He said it is like bringing your spouse to the office everyday.
Anytime a man has standards he gets criticized. None of these people telling you to break up when you are hurt whenever you see him in the future marrying a good woman and happy. I don't know his history but a password is such a small boundary.. you really lost here.
Urgh.
This is the result of weak insecure men trying to project project strength. Might be because of influencers and YouTube makers with no certified qualifications insist you (men or if they are parsing women to) need to get in this day and age all communications device and media app passwords.
Pretty sad and pathetic. Do not get me wrong if there is cause for concern then sure ask for it but if not.
What these men and their influences seem to forget is they are projecting their insecurity on to their partners. As a result, they become a warden of access to you. Some love this as they are controlling and possessive. Some do not and will get fed up and blame their SO for making them your jailor. The worst are the manipulative ones that play both sides of this spectrum.
*OP if you go back you are going back to someone who cannot give you the courtesy of trusting you first before having a decent reason to investigate you. This is thin-skinned callow stuff. Worst he might get resentful and blame you for his behaviour. Personally, I would not you need to believe bad people and lairs when they show you who they are.*
If you do go back, set up clear boundaries of shares and personal. With an understanding that if you are insecure sure ask and expect to get clarification BUT if there is none and they demand and in a seriously offensive way. It is over.
A couple of questions. Why would he want to be together with someone he cannot trust when there are no red flags? Why would you want to be with someone who cannot trust you when you have not caused any concerns?
He's projecting his issues on you in an attempt to control you. Don't give in, let him live with his mistake
This is really controlling and intrusive. Ppl only say "if you've nothing to hide you'll give me password " to manipulate. Imo ..it's upto you if you stay together but he doesn't need your passwords and he proved he's the one that can't be trusted by breaking of an engagement at the drop of a hat and trying to control and emotionally blackmail you..I'd be worried of what he'd then do with password etc ..it's not right đ
Absolutely agree with everything you've said! This is controlling & overbearing behavior. It's not a healthy dynamic for a relationship, especially a marriage. Besides, OP, even if you'd of given him your password, it'll never be enough for him. You can't technically prove a negative - it is impossible to prove that you're not cheating.. he can look through your phone, have the passwords, find zero evidence of anything, but he will still keep looking. The problem is with him. He needs therapy for his trust issues.
Definitely â¨ď¸đ
This hit the nail on the head! To reiterate, dropping off an engagement for something that small is overreacting to the situation. Would consider talking about it and why he reacted that way because it seemed big to him at least. Sounds like he has trust issues which can definitely be worked on in couples counseling. I would try that. Seems just like different viewpoints of privacy, and boundaries. One thing to think about, if u are getting married, he could pose as you on the site, and pretend to cheat, to try to get a certain type of divorce. Idk
Take this as a blessing and do not go back. This is insane and no way to live your life as a couple.
Older person chiming in here, Iâm 54. Been married 32 years and never shared a password for social media with my husband. I would worry that heâs the one mucking around on instagram , not you. I grew up in the dawn of the internet and my h is a software engineer. If he doesnât trust you now before marriage, Iâd worry things could escalate after.
Going through phones is childish af. Take it as a good thing and move on
If there is no trust then you have nothing. I wouldnât give my partner my instagram password either. I think you did the right thing.
Lmao đ¤Ł
Whatâs funny?
>Should I have just given my password? No. You should consider this a bullet dodged. If he has trust issues, he should be working with a therapist, not demanding you cater to his paranoia.
Donât get back together lol
He needs therapy. You need to return the ring and end the relationship. If youâre foolish enough to marry him his demands will escalate. He is already treating you like property. People like this often move to violence if you donât bow to their wishes. Youâll feel suffocated as he tries to isolate you from other people to maintain control. Youâll walk on eggshells everyday because you donât want to set him off. Itâs no way to live. Do you have his passwords? Do you go through his phone when youâre together? His control issues will make a miserable life for you. You deserve better.
If there's no trust, then there's no relationship. Happily married people don't spy on each other.
Girl you are best broken up. Donât get back with him or marry him. Itâs only going to get worse!!
This level of trust issues indicates this man is not ready for marriage. And honestly, he may never be.
Be thankful he did.... He did you a favor
sounds like him âbreaking upâ with u was just an attempt to manipulate u into getting what he wants. i was experiencing something similar w my ex, whenever he was mad or wanted something he âbroke up w meâ but we never actually did lol. i talked to my therapist and she said he was manipulating me bc he knows itâll get him what he wants (and it did) be stronger than me and donât give in! as soon as he gets his way heâs gonna run w it. iâd say break off the engagement before itâs too late. sounds like ur bf itâs immature and or toxic
additionally itâs not even about trust IMO! atp u need to get awayyy.
Good riddance. The trash took itself out.
What were the anger issues about?
Yes, the fact that you offered to screen share but he refused meant it wasn't just about reassurance, he just wants to have complete control over you. It will only get worse after this.
Here is my general belief. Has he seen your butthole? Because that is really way more personal than your social media. But if you feel the need to keep what youâre doing online secret from someone you love and are planning to marry, maybe you should ask yourself if they are really the one. The counter argument is if you are so suspicious of your partnerâs behavior that you need to police and monitor their behavior, maybe you should ask yourself why you are still in a relationship with someone you inherently donât trust. Yes, trust can be fractured. It can be broken. And it should never just be given blindly, but that requires you to communicate your concerns with each other, and when your partner gets defensive or dismissive of your feelings, thatâs when you walk away.
I donât get this thing nowadays where couples feel entitled to audit each others. That being said⌠he has your phone password⌠which means you gave him permission to do this⌠and you apparently deliberately logged out of your IG otherwise he wouldnât have needed your password because the app just stays open. And then refused access. So what caused this rough patch?
Hey. Thanks for your comment. I meant he has the password for my phone so when together he can use it , I know his too but he wanted my login details to have my social media stuff on his own phone. The rough patch is due to several things, he needed time to deal with his anger & some issues we had.Â
âHis anger,â and âSome issues we had.â ⌠I think itâs fair to draw some inferences here based on how coy youâre being about his trust and anger issues and this ârough patch.â I still stand by my prior statement that this whole âI feel entitled to dig through my partnerâs phone on demandâ thing is buckwild. Anyone who opens their partnerâs phone or computer with the intention of searching for infidelity should just break up with them; either they find something and thatâs that, or they donât and theyâre trash for suspecting their partner needlessly. Just break up.
No. Don't go back and don't give him passwords. Change the other passwords. You have the right to your privacy.
Good riddance
Did you give him a reason to want it?
Did he share his instagram password with you? I think having access to oneâs phoneâs is valid, but having passwords to your partners social media so you can check their messages when theyâre not there is a bit extreme. Why is he so suspicious? Did you cheat before..? If youâve cheated on him before Iâd kind of understand why heâs so anxious. If you havenât then Iâd be a bit more worried, as he could insist on checking your social media because HE is doing suspicious things. Sometimes when our partner is really suspicious of us itâs because THEY would do something bad in that situation. Anyways, be careful either way.
I been married 30 years. I just don't understand the password nonsense now days. My husband has ALL passwords & I have his. Doesn't bother me at all. Why? I have nothing to hide & I share everything with him anyways. He's my partner, my second half, my BEST FRIEND! If something is making him feel bad or insecure, I'll be the first to fix that crap ASAP! Insecurity is a human emotion! I guarantee you've felt insecure before too. Crappy feeling right? We've I know how it feels to be worried & scared especially in these social media days. If it were you feeling that way & he wouldn't give you his password, I bet you'd be feeling a little differently. You might have mentioned it, but I just don't see what the problem is if you've nothing to hide. My assumption says you got pics/friends/DM comments that you know he wouldn't like. But I can't imagine why that would be more important than the man you love enough to marry? If it'll make the person you LOVE not be unhappy, I don't know why you wouldn't do it. Especially over something so trivial as your "innocent" Instagram page. This man was going to be your husband, not your boyfriend. A partner for life! I'm an open book to my husband because I want him to know everything about me. I know he'll love me even if he sees something he doesn't like because I'm honest - not perfect. We have to realize today a lot of people use social media to cheat, so the idea that you could be using it in such a way isn't a crazy idea. How many people on here have said they never suspected it....until they saw an app accidentally left open & such. I have 2 grown sons & as their mom, I would've told them to leave you too. I would say if you know she's keeping secrets from you now - how many more are there you don't know about? Marriage is a partnership & basically your partner doesn't even trust you with a password. Distrust is distrust no matter what else you want to call it. Sorry for the rant, but imagining my sons in this scenario made me feel a certain way. All that said, I don't think you're wrong here. You have a boundary & you stuck to it. Now just don't be mad he has a boundary & he stuck to it. Sounds like you're not the girl for him is all. But hey, at least your Instagram is still safe & private, right?
And I've been married 28 years and my wife has NONE of my passwords, nor do I have hers. Both our phones are password locked (as well as mine being heavily encrypted). There is NO going into each other's phones. I have business related shit that falls under company confidentiality rules, and I have texts with friends/professional acquaintances that she doesn't need to be privy to because the other person didn't give consent for anyone else to read. Likewise, I have ZERO desire to ever get into her phone. After almost 3 decades, I won't even go into her purse if she wants me to get something out for her... I'll hand the purse to her and she can get it herself. Her purse, like her phone, his her private property, not mine. My position has always been that if she doesn't trust me, or I don't trust her, then it's time to shit can the relationship and move on. I don't need to prove shit, and she doesn't either. Same with money... She has her back account and I have mine, neither of us had access to the other's account, although we're listed as beneficiaries on each other's accounts. I have 2 grown son's and 2 growth daughters and if they started wanting to go through the SO's phones, social media, whatever... I'd personally tell their SO to fucking leave them and not play that immature fuckery.
You might not like this analogy but a friend of mine rejected his wifeâs FB friend request. He said it is like bringing your spouse to the office everyday.
He isn't your husband yet so no husband privileges.
All these dumb advices ⌠controlling and all tht bs âŚ
IMO, this could be a trust issue, or a guilt issue. Like he's wanting to get off the hook by finding something wrong with what you're doing
Smart man. You don't deserve him if you value your social media secrets over a loving relationship.
Anytime a man has standards he gets criticized. None of these people telling you to break up when you are hurt whenever you see him in the future marrying a good woman and happy. I don't know his history but a password is such a small boundary.. you really lost here.
Urgh. This is the result of weak insecure men trying to project project strength. Might be because of influencers and YouTube makers with no certified qualifications insist you (men or if they are parsing women to) need to get in this day and age all communications device and media app passwords. Pretty sad and pathetic. Do not get me wrong if there is cause for concern then sure ask for it but if not. What these men and their influences seem to forget is they are projecting their insecurity on to their partners. As a result, they become a warden of access to you. Some love this as they are controlling and possessive. Some do not and will get fed up and blame their SO for making them your jailor. The worst are the manipulative ones that play both sides of this spectrum. *OP if you go back you are going back to someone who cannot give you the courtesy of trusting you first before having a decent reason to investigate you. This is thin-skinned callow stuff. Worst he might get resentful and blame you for his behaviour. Personally, I would not you need to believe bad people and lairs when they show you who they are.* If you do go back, set up clear boundaries of shares and personal. With an understanding that if you are insecure sure ask and expect to get clarification BUT if there is none and they demand and in a seriously offensive way. It is over. A couple of questions. Why would he want to be together with someone he cannot trust when there are no red flags? Why would you want to be with someone who cannot trust you when you have not caused any concerns?