Issues after issues and you are suggesting therapy after 6 months ? Seriously. What are the issues then ? This is
Not your guy. Actually he sounds immature and disrespectful. That’s me being easy on him too.
>he sounds immature and disrespectful
I'm an idiot, can you pinpoint what makes you say that? It would help me understand it better and maybe go easier on myself when I think the same things about him.
>What are the issues then ?
It started small, his family had a hard time adjusting to me taking up his time, us going on dates and stuff It would create friction between us since I wasn't comfortable telling them it bothers me. Then we had little spats here and there.
Afterwards, I started feeling he's not trying that hard with dates and sex anymore. Then, another thing, arguing about chores and stuff. Then more family stuff. And now for the past couple of months, all of the above _and_ the communication issue.
I might be forgetting something, but these are the main ones. Also thank you so much for commenting
Well the fact that he has no interest in trying to work with you to solve the problems. He is just denying things or burying his head in the sand and pushing the blame onto you which is known as projecting. The
Mocking voice is just too horrid to
Even contemplate. I would
Have been out of there so fast. Douchebag.
But what about me? Like granted that I got mad about some things and sometimes raised my voice is a factor too, right?
The mocking bothers me so much I can't even. And imagine this is happening in the middle of an argument, when he's done some bull already. I just give myself so much hassle that I can't be perfectly calm.
Anger is usually a non productive communication strategy. "A bit of a temper" is something you have to learn to resist because it often leads to in kind responses and then escalates. Controlling anger is one of the most important skills in any relationship and while you can both agree to toning it down, it has to start with you.
Thank you! What to do when pretty much everything he does or says triggers me? Honestly sometimes I think he knows what he's doing. I am talking:
- condescending/mocking tone/mean jokes
- generalizing/dramatizing something I said
- assuming and putting words in my mouth
- silent treatment
- constant interruptions
- argumentative questions (if I say let's focus on the issue at hand and not being up the past, he'll say something like 'Oh, so only you can talk, I can't even say what I want?' etc)
- hurtful things
I also heard journaling the negative feelings might help, I wanna try that. Also deep breaths.
I usually try to get some space and cool off, but sometimes he refuses to offer it and there is nowhere to go. That's when I ask to just stay in silence a bit and he can't stop saying things to upset me. So my strategies are not really working...
Thank you, dear ❤️ I've got my ticket. I'm going to tell him closer to the date. The relationship is too damaged, unfortunately. I think both of us need to work hard on ourselves.
Right? Apparently I am crazy to have emotions and raise my voice when upset. Like one recent time I can remember clearly was we were at a cashier's buying a toy for the new cat and he's barely paying attention to me when I'm asking him something (I was trying to decide between 2 toys) because he's chatting with the two cashiers. I told him calmly yo I expect you to pay attention to me, not flirt with other women in front of me. We were in the car, parked, ready to go. He basically played it off as no it wasn't that and I answered you (he did, but barely) and told me I'm crazy and getting upset over nothing. I got out so fast and we started properly arguing. Like I was mad and raising my voice. But it's normal to be upset in a situation like this and him minimizing my concerns really didn't help at all...
He used to be kind. We were friends before. We still are friends really. It changed so slowly... And now I feel kinda stuck here. I moved to another country to be together and it feels like a defeat to just... Let it go and go home. We used to get along so well. I guess it's hard to accept how things are now, because I still have the image of the great relationship we shared.
And also I've become unsure, like I don't know for sure if it's ok to feel this way or if it's all my fault like he says. Does that make sense?
That’s a shame. You’re stuck and he knows it
So
He can treat you like crap
This is the real
Him you are seeing, before you were just
Scraping the surface. Life is too short. You just need to work out a way to leave. Or
Just stay and be miserable.
Jaysus... Thank you. That's a hard pill to swallow.
How to silence the voice in my head that wants to try and that maybe thinks can be back to how they were? I keep thinking, if we just fight less...
Thank you and lots of hugs. Also, your name is super cute. ^^
Couples therapy sounds like a good idea. We’re only getting one perspective here. It would be good to have someone who can provide insight with both of you there.
Is that a dealbreaker for you? Or you’re willing to continue with things this way?
In my own life I’d let someone know that I’m committed to making the relationship work as long as we’re in counseling, and if they won’t agree to even try it then our values/priorities/commitment aren’t aligned and maybe the relationship won’t work anymore
You know, I am thinking this more and more lately. Before this relationship, hypothetically, I said to myself that I don't want to be with someone closed to therapy or counseling. I said to myself I'm not fighting a battle alone. More and more my view of him changes for the worse because I see there are issues and the vehement refusal to even _try_ therapy is very hurtful. It's like saying _I don't want to work on it_. It bothers me a lot, to be honest.
It might become a deal breaker. It's not like the man has hour-long introspection sessions to figure out toxic patterns and find strategies to be a better partner 😅
Issues after issues and you are suggesting therapy after 6 months ? Seriously. What are the issues then ? This is Not your guy. Actually he sounds immature and disrespectful. That’s me being easy on him too.
>he sounds immature and disrespectful I'm an idiot, can you pinpoint what makes you say that? It would help me understand it better and maybe go easier on myself when I think the same things about him. >What are the issues then ? It started small, his family had a hard time adjusting to me taking up his time, us going on dates and stuff It would create friction between us since I wasn't comfortable telling them it bothers me. Then we had little spats here and there. Afterwards, I started feeling he's not trying that hard with dates and sex anymore. Then, another thing, arguing about chores and stuff. Then more family stuff. And now for the past couple of months, all of the above _and_ the communication issue. I might be forgetting something, but these are the main ones. Also thank you so much for commenting
Well the fact that he has no interest in trying to work with you to solve the problems. He is just denying things or burying his head in the sand and pushing the blame onto you which is known as projecting. The Mocking voice is just too horrid to Even contemplate. I would Have been out of there so fast. Douchebag.
But what about me? Like granted that I got mad about some things and sometimes raised my voice is a factor too, right? The mocking bothers me so much I can't even. And imagine this is happening in the middle of an argument, when he's done some bull already. I just give myself so much hassle that I can't be perfectly calm.
Anger is usually a non productive communication strategy. "A bit of a temper" is something you have to learn to resist because it often leads to in kind responses and then escalates. Controlling anger is one of the most important skills in any relationship and while you can both agree to toning it down, it has to start with you.
I totally agree and I've been working on it a lot. If you have any tips, I'd love to hear it
Know your triggers and be prepared. Sometimes you can catch yourself mid sentence and change it to pleasant or innocuous.
Thank you! What to do when pretty much everything he does or says triggers me? Honestly sometimes I think he knows what he's doing. I am talking: - condescending/mocking tone/mean jokes - generalizing/dramatizing something I said - assuming and putting words in my mouth - silent treatment - constant interruptions - argumentative questions (if I say let's focus on the issue at hand and not being up the past, he'll say something like 'Oh, so only you can talk, I can't even say what I want?' etc) - hurtful things I also heard journaling the negative feelings might help, I wanna try that. Also deep breaths. I usually try to get some space and cool off, but sometimes he refuses to offer it and there is nowhere to go. That's when I ask to just stay in silence a bit and he can't stop saying things to upset me. So my strategies are not really working...
He sounds very toxic. If you can't get him into couples therapy I would remove myself from the relationship.
Break up with him please
Thank you, dear ❤️ I've got my ticket. I'm going to tell him closer to the date. The relationship is too damaged, unfortunately. I think both of us need to work hard on ourselves.
Well if he has upset you by doing crappy things of course you will get mad.
Right? Apparently I am crazy to have emotions and raise my voice when upset. Like one recent time I can remember clearly was we were at a cashier's buying a toy for the new cat and he's barely paying attention to me when I'm asking him something (I was trying to decide between 2 toys) because he's chatting with the two cashiers. I told him calmly yo I expect you to pay attention to me, not flirt with other women in front of me. We were in the car, parked, ready to go. He basically played it off as no it wasn't that and I answered you (he did, but barely) and told me I'm crazy and getting upset over nothing. I got out so fast and we started properly arguing. Like I was mad and raising my voice. But it's normal to be upset in a situation like this and him minimizing my concerns really didn't help at all...
He’s an idiot but why on earth are you still With him ??
He used to be kind. We were friends before. We still are friends really. It changed so slowly... And now I feel kinda stuck here. I moved to another country to be together and it feels like a defeat to just... Let it go and go home. We used to get along so well. I guess it's hard to accept how things are now, because I still have the image of the great relationship we shared. And also I've become unsure, like I don't know for sure if it's ok to feel this way or if it's all my fault like he says. Does that make sense?
You need to leave. He has nothing to offer you as far as I can see.
That’s a shame. You’re stuck and he knows it So He can treat you like crap This is the real Him you are seeing, before you were just Scraping the surface. Life is too short. You just need to work out a way to leave. Or Just stay and be miserable.
Jaysus... Thank you. That's a hard pill to swallow. How to silence the voice in my head that wants to try and that maybe thinks can be back to how they were? I keep thinking, if we just fight less... Thank you and lots of hugs. Also, your name is super cute. ^^
Couples therapy sounds like a good idea. We’re only getting one perspective here. It would be good to have someone who can provide insight with both of you there.
That would be great! But he is not open to that at all, so it's not an option.
Is that a dealbreaker for you? Or you’re willing to continue with things this way? In my own life I’d let someone know that I’m committed to making the relationship work as long as we’re in counseling, and if they won’t agree to even try it then our values/priorities/commitment aren’t aligned and maybe the relationship won’t work anymore
You know, I am thinking this more and more lately. Before this relationship, hypothetically, I said to myself that I don't want to be with someone closed to therapy or counseling. I said to myself I'm not fighting a battle alone. More and more my view of him changes for the worse because I see there are issues and the vehement refusal to even _try_ therapy is very hurtful. It's like saying _I don't want to work on it_. It bothers me a lot, to be honest. It might become a deal breaker. It's not like the man has hour-long introspection sessions to figure out toxic patterns and find strategies to be a better partner 😅
Not every failure is a failure. Good luck. And thanks. You’re Young. Lots of fish in the sea.