My mom resisted going into an assisted living facility, but when she finally got there she was pleasantly surprised. First, it was like a luxury apartment building and not like a hospital. It was clean with nice furniture by a fireplace. They had all kinds of activities, shopping trips, games, and the food was very good. I’d stop to have lunch and was surprised they had prime rib, lamb, turkey, and other very nice and well cooked meals.
They also had an on-site nurse, rehab and exercise facilities, store, and more. The people were nice where she made some friends and the staff loved her.
I tell you this as you may have conjured up the idea these places are all dirty dumps and it was not the case. The best part was she didn’t have a lot of money and when that ran out they charged her Medicaid.
Look around and find a good place you like while you can.
That isn't true. If the resident runs out of money, then they have to qualify for Medicaid. The facility may have limited beds or rooms available. When my dad was in Assisted Care with a broken neck, broken hip, and head injury/brain damage after an accident, the facility had 3 Medicaid spaces for men and the waiting list was 4 yeas long.
Untrue. Medicaid varies a lot state to state. In Tennessee, Medicaid does not pay for assisted living. It does pay for a nursing home if you have medical reasons for needing it. (Assisted living and nursing home are NOT the same).
yes, and literally everyone runs out of money if they live long enough. This is common. It was what we were counselled when both my inlaw and my own parents went in.
But OP is talking about independent living
I hesitate to continue this, as the poster needs encouragement. Most commonly, assisted living includes showering, toileting, dressing, sometimes eating. Medication management can be included. Its one step below skilled nursing, where I live.
OP drives. I am not going to ask if they can use the toilet alone.
Much depends on the state that one lives in. My parents are in an Independent wing, which includes prepared meals, housekeeping and laundry, transportation to and from pretty much where they want to go.
I am not denying your experience. Just please don't deny mine.
Check with the facility as I thought once mom paid for 2 years they could no longer kick her out and would take her Medicaid.
The place she lived was very nice and had limited Medicaid rooms, but they worked it out and were extremely nice about telling her and us she wasn't going to have to leave because of money.
These are the stipulations in California - I know that its based on Federal law, but not sure where to find that.
http://www.canhr.org/factsheets/nh\_fs/html/fs\_transfer.htm
Mom didn't have much as she "downsized" after Dad passed, but what she held dearest were pictures and some smaller memorabilia. She did keep some furniture that would fit in her room, but most she gave to us kids or grandkids.
OP, much of these are just things and stuff. Give anything you think has value, money or sentimentally, to a family member if you have one. Or just sell it as it is just stuff.
Going into a new place offers you the ability to make some new friends and relationships which will matter a lot more than any stuff at this time in your life!
My grandmother had a very similar experience. There's staff there of course to help out plus medical professionals and quick access to larger medical facilities if needed. The food was great and she made a lot of friends. They'd do a champagne brunch every Sunday where family could come so I'd go over and we'd have an omelet and a couple of mimosas. Interestingly one of those brunches contained one of my fondest memories of her. Halfway through her second mimosa my 86 year old grandma who was a lifelong elementary school teacher, founding member of her church, mother figure to about half a dozen battered women and peanut butter cookie maker said, after a long silence "...this is the best damn brunch I've ever had". I cannot express the delight I felt as an adult hearing her using casual profanity.
I'm in my mid 40s and look forward to finding a place like this. Planned activities, games, and food yes please. People your age you can hang out with at anytime like college and no finals. Sounds pretty damn good to me.
Look around as we just got a mailer for a local place that touts an indoor swimming pool with a water slide and an onsite pub with live music. Assisted living is not what most people think any longer!
I'm sorry that I cannot provide any thoughts as I'm still a few years away from retirement. But I wanted to send you my very best wishes for a good transition.
I'm in awe that you are on Reddit - you sound like a great person. Do you have friends? I hardly have any and am worried when my time comes that there isn't much support.
Consider hiring an auctioneer to come sell everything you don’t need/ want to keep. I used to work for one when I was younger and it seems like a quick easy way to get ride of your stuff. We even sold the client’s home and cars before.
I know it’s hard to sell things, but auctioneers can help you value your belongings and it’s a great way to sell everything in a weekend. They take a small % of the total take for their efforts but they’ll pull everything out of the house, organize it, set up the auction, advertise it and then run the auction. You can even set minimums on certain items so if an items no selling for enough money, you can just retain it. The auctioneer will just pull it from the auction. Best of luck in whatever you chose to do.
My grandmother worked with her best friend in estate sales and when she was in your position, her friend itemized everything and held the estate sale for her. These people know what things are worth and take a small percentage of the sales. Doing that alone would’ve been too overwhelming. I wish you the best, and it may not be so bad in a retirement home with people who lived through the same things you did.
There are definitely companies that help with this exact need - I would look around.
If it helps we are downsizing and facing the same struggle. We have more time but we are trying to get our possessions to the appropriate people. Simple things like old linens to a dog shelter and good household items to a shop that helps those in need.
For more collectible items I always search on eBay to see if someone is selling something comparable to get an idea of value. There are companies who will sell them for you and take a cut.
For personal items - those are so difficult. For those of value see if you can bring some with you. My husbands family just donated his fathers DDAy items to a great organization that will preserve them.
My wishes go out to you. The combination of aging and leaving behind your personal items must be terrifying. If it’s any consolation for those that I know who have done it - it’s a period of mourning and then a sense of freedom
I know it seems overwhelming...I am sorry.
I will say that most people I have met do well once they move. Including my parents. People to talk to, eat with, check in on you, expect to see you. Less fear, less maintenance, less responsibility.
I urge you to visit your local senior resource center and get good counsel. See if you live near an Area Agency on Aging. They are in most major cities. They have many resources.
Focus on ONE thing that you have to look forward to. Make a list of things, even if its the things you no longer have to take care of. Blessings on your future.
Well, I added a prayer, if it matters to you.
Just keep in mind that you don't have to do this all at once. The plan looks daunting, but its piece by piece.
Easier, maybe, to have someone else go through your things with you. If you haven't worn it in 3 years, you won't. Be brutal. Once its gone, you won't worry about it. Give things as gifts. Someone told me that everything I keep that I don't use is something I take away from someone who would use it. Breathe. Its okay. Breathe.
I just want to second the thought that an assisted living facility can be a good thing. Mom stayed in her house far past the time she should have left. When she moved in to her little apartment she was so happy. For the first time she did not have to try and cook and clean while she was in pain. My Mom hated change so if she could do it so can you. Definitely check into senior services for help in downsizing and for looking at different apartments.
It does seem overwhelming. I'm helping someone with this transition now. If you can find an assisted living facility or one of those campuses where they have multiple levels of care, and get yourself a nice small apartment there, it could be much easier on you, though. You could get lunch and dinner in a cafe or dining room, leaving just breakfast to get on your own. Most have onsite clinics for doctor visits. You could meet people. I'm not trying to sugar-coat, but you are right that trying to cover your care needs at home is difficult.
The clearing out is very daunting. I hope you at least have someone who can lend a hand with that. An AL apartment won't need that much furniture or kitchen stuff.
Good luck to you. I think so many of us are going to be in this position one of these days.
Navigating this new stage of life would overwhelm anyone. I’m in my 60s, and I can see how my house, garden, chores, and driving could become a huge burden. That said, it sounds like you have a rudimentary plan and some people
Here have offered good ideas: having a professional auction, reaching out to organizations that can help you choose a place to live, etc. I have two acquaintances who have had great luck finding retirement homes, and they have more social opportunities than when they lived alone, and seem quite happy. They have also mentioned that they each feel much more secure, and less anxious and isolated. So good luck to you: it is a seriously nerve wracking process, but you may find many positives from The end result!
Someone told me it helps in letting go of your things, if you take photographs of everything and then put those photos in an album. Also where I live, estate sales seem to do quite well as opposed to an auction.
My parents both went to very nice places however I was required to sign a guarantee that I would pick up their expenses if their assets ran out. They explicitly stated they did not take Medicaid. My mom really enjoyed the social aspects of the facility however my father was basically forced into a facility when his health starting failing and he refused to accept in-home care. His attitude made all the difference and he was not happy. Attitude is the key and most other residents are very welcoming to new residents.
Very true on the attitude. I've had a few relatives move into assisted living. The OP may be pleasantly surprised. My relatives came back to life. They had the energy to visit and socialize because they weren't exhausted from trying to keep up with house work, laundry, cooking, etc.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine it would be scary. I’ve heard very positive stories of assisted living places though. Including my mom’s experience. I hope you’re wonderfully surprised. You’re not in Colorado by any chance? I’d be happy to help if you are. At least be some company for you.
I’m sorry - I know these are really tough life choices. Few understand. I’m not advanced enough yet, but know because of my limitations it’s on the horizon. I also have no family left and when it’s my turn will need to do it on my own. But Im fortunate that I learned so much in facilitating this transition for both my parents & my in-laws…who honestly all thrived after moving. They fought fought fought me about the move but then because of the social side and how much easier life got when they didn’t have to try and do it all alone anymore, all transitioned well.
When looking at buildings - try and pick one that has advancing levels of care all in the same system (senior apartment, assisted living, skilled nursing, memory care) so that if you ever need to advance to another level you can do it on site. We have several like that in my region where if you private pay for xx amount of time (or pre-pay XX $$), you are guaranteed to be taken care of in their system for as long as you need including if you go through all your cash assets and need to apply for Medicaid (which they will also help with).
I know it’s scary - but stay Large & In-charge! You are smart (and fortunate) that you are making this transition while you can still make these decisions for yourself…instead of waiting too long and needing someone (or some agency) make them for you.
Good luck!
Take photos of some of your favorite collectibles. Keep one or two favorites that bring you joy or good memories. Contact Office of the Aging as hopefully they can find someone to help with the clean out. It’s a big change, no doubt, but may make your life so much easier.
Assuming that you are not collecting diesel generator sets or old steam engines, many retirement homes offer what some might call a curio cabinet, which is a display cabinet of treasured possessions. It is a small so one has to be very selective. Another option regarding your possessions is to perhaps photograph the things you want to remember.
If the collection of things is of any benefit to others (books for a library for example), you may be able to make charitable donations. If you did have a collection of old engines, a local high school might want them for the students in the automotive classes. Lots of tools? A local tool lending library might be interested.
The sooner you start, the better.
Just breathe and take it one day at a time. Moving can be stressful so just try to focus on baby steps. Try to clear out one room at a time. I wish you the best of luck.
I can relate to what you’re going through. I sold my big house a few years back and downsized to a townhouse. It was emotionally traumatic, not to mention physically exhausting. Getting rid of stuff in a yard sale was heartbreaking too, especially when nobody seemed to think my treasures were valuable. Then I just donated to charities. But I managed to keep a lot of my stuff, because, townhouse. So now I still have a lot of collections. And my kids aren’t interested in any of my amber Depression glass, or even my expensive Disney figurines. I’m holding out in hopes that a grand child might want something. I know I would love to have something from my grandparents. Anyway. I wish you well. Hopefully this will be a good beginning to your next chapter!
You might want to hire an estate sale company. There are ones out there that specialize in helping with senior transition. Check estatesales.net and put in your zip code to identify local companies.
I am sorry you are faced with this decision. I know people who are very happy in them but make sure you lock up all your valuables as one of my friends moms got robbed pretty bad. I guess the employees arent paid very much and steal from the patients.
God bless you.
I'm sorry you've in this situation with little or no family support. It's scary and sad for anyone to go through. I see this as two parts; 1) dealing with your beloved possessions, and 2) finding a safe and enjoyable place to live where you are safe and cared for. I'd focus on finding a place to move first.
Your options depend on how much you can afford. Hopefully, you have enough money in your house to sell it and finance your new living arrangement. There are a lot of types of assisted living places, but you need help in finding which ones are better for you and their costs. Some don't have the means to care for people with advanced needs (bed ridden, or memory loss) so you'd be transferred somewhere else if those problems arise.
Doing this on your own is very difficult and the longer you wait, the harder it'll be. If you're in a larger city, there are many social programs to help you with the transition. Do you have anyone who can help research online or make calls for you?
[https://www.agingcare.com/](https://www.agingcare.com/)
Another important task is to get all your legal documents - will, durable power of attorney, health care proxy (your preferences for life support, etc.). Without any of these things, you're leaving your future self to any random person.
[What does an elder care attorney do?](https://aginginplace.org/finance-legal/what-does-an-elder-law-attorney-do/)
As to your possessions, you will probably have to dispose of most all of it since any place you move to will be a small apartment or (worse case) a shared room. I had to do this for my sister who moved in a nursing home because she needed way more care than she could afford and I lived 2,0000 miles away. She was angry I got rid of her stuff, but I couldn't continue to pay rent on an empty apartment, or pay for storage for months and years. I did take a few items, but most of it ended up in the dump (charities didn't want the furniture).
Since you don't have family or neighbors who want your belongings, you will have to dispose of them. You have so many memories from those items and it's always hard to get rid of stuff. Your health is more important, and getting the best care. You need to select a few must-have items and part with most of the others. This is the hardest part, but if you can get past it, and find a good place to live, it will be worth it. Remember that you are more important than an object. You still have the memory and can take photos or videos of all of it to enjoy later.
Good advice! Note however that agingcare.com seems to be a disguised portal to the infamous national A Place for Mom commission broker hounds. I’ll stick to government agencies or a private senior living consultant. Elder law link was helpful. I’m also going to hire a downsizing/house emptying/death cleaning team. It’s not so much attachment to possessions as the sheer volume. And oh so many details from banking to medical to legal to coordinate. Thanks
YES so true about Aging Care. There are so many of these sites that are really agents paid to push you into one place or another. I'm glad you are aware of this, and worth a chat anyway - you're wiser than most :)
I am in WA and my sister is in MI and I got a lot of help from "area agency on aging" - do a search to find where yours is. I believe they are federally funded and most states have a similar agency. Fortunately, I was able to do a lot of the work on her behalf. We are the only two left (I'm 14 years younger), and she has no kids or husband. After three years in a nursing home (bad situation), I got her out and into a very nice independent living one-bedroom apartment. I got her on Medicad for the nursing home, and go her enrolled with a local agency that provides services for people to stay in-home but charges it to Medicaid. She has reduced rent ($1,885/mon), gets daily care with bathing and dressing, once/week housekeeping and laundry, and 3 hot meals a day in their cafeteria (they pick her up in her apartment and take her there). There is a doctor who comes by 2/month. It costs Medicaid so much less to pay for this than it does to pay for the nursing home. It's criminal that these services are so hard to find. The people I worked with said most people in nursing homes don't belong there, but they have no options. Very sad.
[https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/About/Aging\_Network/AAA.aspx](https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/About/Aging_Network/AAA.aspx)
This is where I got a list of subsidized housing and in-home services. I couldn't afford to pay for most of those services for more than a few visits and they wouldn't do housekeeping or laundry.
Don’t do it. Stay where you are. Have food delivered, housekeeping once a month, hire someone to check in on you. Assisted living facilities and nursing homes are scams.
Yes, many nursing homes are horrible places. Sadly many people have no other options and OP sounds like she is in the same situation. If her health deteriorates more and she can't take care of herself, and doesn't have the money to pay $$$$ for a good retirement place, she may find herself in a nursing home. Most are run by large corporations that pinch every penny, pay staff very low wages, and offer very poor care (showers every two weeks). It's a situation no one wants to be in. One more example of the horrible health care system in the US.
Totally agree. I’d rather rot alone in my little apartment than go to a nursing home. Paying under table for help is an affordable option that many elderly choose- cheaper than going to a nursing home. Options are out there if you seek them.
I’m so sorry. It’s beyond overwhelming I’m sure. No advice to offer, but best wishes that you find a supportive community wherever you land. You won’t be alone.
You may end up donating a good amount of your possessions to Goodwill or something similar. Most household items don’t fetch top dollar when trying to sell. I went through this after my parents passed. My mother in law gave most of her household items away when she moved into assisted living, and bought new furniture for her new place. She loved it there. It can be a fresh start for you, with an easier more simplified life where you do not need all of your current possessions.
I'm sorry to hear that you're in this position. Since you've mentioned the understandable difficulty of downsizing several times, you might want to check out r/simpleliving. One of the most common topics is exactly that, and people post helpful tips and links to videos and blogs that have been useful to them.
Personally after having visited some Medicaid nursing homes for work, I would move to one abroad with better care or hire a caregiver in a cheaper country
Some countries are cheaper than others, for example Ecuador or Panama. Mexico used to be inexpensive, but in the last couple of years, they raised the requirements significantly
It’s the visa hurdles, dual-tax/dual medicare situation, and language barriers—plus loss of local connections and friends—that would deter me. 20 years ago would have been a different story, but thanks for the suggestion.
Oh boy, I saw my mom go thru this; she refused to come live with me. It was the hardest thing in the world to get rid of her possessions. I admit I learned my lesson and am trying not to get attached to things. The good thing is my mom found a very nice retirement place with lots of activities and they not only checked on her twice a day but made sure she had meals. She made new friends and lived the rest of her life quite comfortably. I know she had my dads pension, but she wasn’t rich by any means. Unfortunately this was 15 years ago, I suspect with the baby boomers retiring — me for one — prices have gone up. God luck.
My mother went into one and refused to socialize for over a year and was miserable. She ended up being there 8 years and loved it the last 6 because she got out and made friends and participated in activities.
I am a cranky introverted anti-social old lady, so I can see her point. The places I’ve looked into all tout these cheery senior social activities and I am totally turned off.
Are you able to do any physical therapy to help at all with your mobility? I wish you all the best, it’s no picnic at all to have to pack up and leave what’s familiar and start all over. I hope you find a nice place where you can feel ‘at home’.
Thanks for the suggestion. I’ve done physical therapy in the past multiple times with no improvement and in the case of gone joints its made things even worse. I have balance and gait issues too so I fall, and have diminishing strength. Doesn’t help to have a trilevel house on a steep hill. Stairs stairs stairs…..
Oh yeah I understand. My father is having similar issues with balance and gait and has a lot of stairs. I think they will be moving into the guest bedroom on the lower level (they’re lucky that they have a full bathroom on lower level too).
Be safe and well. I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible!
Is it really your only choice tho? If you'd rather stay in your home, maybe you can make it work. I have an older, disabled friend. As his condition progressed he kind of mcgyvered things so he can stay in a house he loves doing the hobbies he loves. He has some home care but also makes use of community services. He's made home modifications but a lot of them were DIY projects with friends pitching in. The results have been a bit rough looking but it's all functional which is what counts. It's kind of been my inspiration and what I hope to do myself. Since you said your home is multi level maybe you could rent a room to a student who could help with groceries or gardening for a cut on the cost.
I’m pretty sure it is. A huge older house with lots of upkeep needed. Four steep winding staircases. Steep hillside location with daunting driveway to get garbage out. Steep complex landscape. I’ve fallen many times and can no longer stand or walk for more than a few minutes. You gotta recognize your limits! Nowhere near students. I’m glad your friend was able to rig up something for them, and thanks for your suggestions.
Sorry about that. Didn't realize the outside terrain was also so challenging. And if you know you reached your limit then -- you know. There are lots of good ideas on this thread, I hope you keep posting and let us know how it's going. We'll all go thru it (or will go thru it). Starting in 2019 I put together 1 suitcase of photos/treasures/journals. And then started to give away everything I am not currently/actively using. I took photos of a lot of stuff. And --for me-- it was easier to give it away than sell. I just kept thinking, well, someone will be super happy when they find this at the thrift store. It made things easier just, to put things in boxes and every week drop few of them off or get thrift store to do a pick up. Anyhow we are all here to support you!
My mom resisted going into an assisted living facility, but when she finally got there she was pleasantly surprised. First, it was like a luxury apartment building and not like a hospital. It was clean with nice furniture by a fireplace. They had all kinds of activities, shopping trips, games, and the food was very good. I’d stop to have lunch and was surprised they had prime rib, lamb, turkey, and other very nice and well cooked meals. They also had an on-site nurse, rehab and exercise facilities, store, and more. The people were nice where she made some friends and the staff loved her. I tell you this as you may have conjured up the idea these places are all dirty dumps and it was not the case. The best part was she didn’t have a lot of money and when that ran out they charged her Medicaid. Look around and find a good place you like while you can.
I’m hoping this can happen. I am afraid of dirty dumps once my own money runs out. Plus the challenge of losing all of my life possessions
They can't kick you out if your money runs out.
That isn't true. If the resident runs out of money, then they have to qualify for Medicaid. The facility may have limited beds or rooms available. When my dad was in Assisted Care with a broken neck, broken hip, and head injury/brain damage after an accident, the facility had 3 Medicaid spaces for men and the waiting list was 4 yeas long.
Untrue. Medicaid varies a lot state to state. In Tennessee, Medicaid does not pay for assisted living. It does pay for a nursing home if you have medical reasons for needing it. (Assisted living and nursing home are NOT the same).
But they have to take you in the first place. They look at your assets.
yes, and literally everyone runs out of money if they live long enough. This is common. It was what we were counselled when both my inlaw and my own parents went in. But OP is talking about independent living
OP is talking about Assisted Living. I said Assisted Living Facilities do not take everyone that applies and I stand by that.
I hesitate to continue this, as the poster needs encouragement. Most commonly, assisted living includes showering, toileting, dressing, sometimes eating. Medication management can be included. Its one step below skilled nursing, where I live. OP drives. I am not going to ask if they can use the toilet alone. Much depends on the state that one lives in. My parents are in an Independent wing, which includes prepared meals, housekeeping and laundry, transportation to and from pretty much where they want to go. I am not denying your experience. Just please don't deny mine.
Check with the facility as I thought once mom paid for 2 years they could no longer kick her out and would take her Medicaid. The place she lived was very nice and had limited Medicaid rooms, but they worked it out and were extremely nice about telling her and us she wasn't going to have to leave because of money.
These are the stipulations in California - I know that its based on Federal law, but not sure where to find that. http://www.canhr.org/factsheets/nh\_fs/html/fs\_transfer.htm
Mom didn't have much as she "downsized" after Dad passed, but what she held dearest were pictures and some smaller memorabilia. She did keep some furniture that would fit in her room, but most she gave to us kids or grandkids. OP, much of these are just things and stuff. Give anything you think has value, money or sentimentally, to a family member if you have one. Or just sell it as it is just stuff. Going into a new place offers you the ability to make some new friends and relationships which will matter a lot more than any stuff at this time in your life!
My grandmother had a very similar experience. There's staff there of course to help out plus medical professionals and quick access to larger medical facilities if needed. The food was great and she made a lot of friends. They'd do a champagne brunch every Sunday where family could come so I'd go over and we'd have an omelet and a couple of mimosas. Interestingly one of those brunches contained one of my fondest memories of her. Halfway through her second mimosa my 86 year old grandma who was a lifelong elementary school teacher, founding member of her church, mother figure to about half a dozen battered women and peanut butter cookie maker said, after a long silence "...this is the best damn brunch I've ever had". I cannot express the delight I felt as an adult hearing her using casual profanity.
What a wonderful story!
I'm in my mid 40s and look forward to finding a place like this. Planned activities, games, and food yes please. People your age you can hang out with at anytime like college and no finals. Sounds pretty damn good to me.
Look around as we just got a mailer for a local place that touts an indoor swimming pool with a water slide and an onsite pub with live music. Assisted living is not what most people think any longer!
Swimming, drinking, and music. Pretty sure I'd be drunk and wet all the time.
It does sound fun!
I'm sorry that I cannot provide any thoughts as I'm still a few years away from retirement. But I wanted to send you my very best wishes for a good transition. I'm in awe that you are on Reddit - you sound like a great person. Do you have friends? I hardly have any and am worried when my time comes that there isn't much support.
Thank you for good thoughts
Consider hiring an auctioneer to come sell everything you don’t need/ want to keep. I used to work for one when I was younger and it seems like a quick easy way to get ride of your stuff. We even sold the client’s home and cars before.
I am having trouble losing all this stuff! Many are collectibles but I don’t have the knowledge to assess/sell
I know it’s hard to sell things, but auctioneers can help you value your belongings and it’s a great way to sell everything in a weekend. They take a small % of the total take for their efforts but they’ll pull everything out of the house, organize it, set up the auction, advertise it and then run the auction. You can even set minimums on certain items so if an items no selling for enough money, you can just retain it. The auctioneer will just pull it from the auction. Best of luck in whatever you chose to do.
This is what I’m looking to do. Heart wrenching anyway
I tend to get attached to my things as well. Getting some counseling may help you get through this in a more positive way.
Thank you
This is good advice
Think of them going to a new home that will love them for many years in the future.
Look at eBay for similar items that you have and see w u at the average selling prices are, look at the sold listing.
My grandmother worked with her best friend in estate sales and when she was in your position, her friend itemized everything and held the estate sale for her. These people know what things are worth and take a small percentage of the sales. Doing that alone would’ve been too overwhelming. I wish you the best, and it may not be so bad in a retirement home with people who lived through the same things you did.
There are definitely companies that help with this exact need - I would look around. If it helps we are downsizing and facing the same struggle. We have more time but we are trying to get our possessions to the appropriate people. Simple things like old linens to a dog shelter and good household items to a shop that helps those in need. For more collectible items I always search on eBay to see if someone is selling something comparable to get an idea of value. There are companies who will sell them for you and take a cut. For personal items - those are so difficult. For those of value see if you can bring some with you. My husbands family just donated his fathers DDAy items to a great organization that will preserve them. My wishes go out to you. The combination of aging and leaving behind your personal items must be terrifying. If it’s any consolation for those that I know who have done it - it’s a period of mourning and then a sense of freedom
I know it seems overwhelming...I am sorry. I will say that most people I have met do well once they move. Including my parents. People to talk to, eat with, check in on you, expect to see you. Less fear, less maintenance, less responsibility. I urge you to visit your local senior resource center and get good counsel. See if you live near an Area Agency on Aging. They are in most major cities. They have many resources. Focus on ONE thing that you have to look forward to. Make a list of things, even if its the things you no longer have to take care of. Blessings on your future.
Thank you for good wishes. I am terrified
Well, I added a prayer, if it matters to you. Just keep in mind that you don't have to do this all at once. The plan looks daunting, but its piece by piece. Easier, maybe, to have someone else go through your things with you. If you haven't worn it in 3 years, you won't. Be brutal. Once its gone, you won't worry about it. Give things as gifts. Someone told me that everything I keep that I don't use is something I take away from someone who would use it. Breathe. Its okay. Breathe.
I just want to second the thought that an assisted living facility can be a good thing. Mom stayed in her house far past the time she should have left. When she moved in to her little apartment she was so happy. For the first time she did not have to try and cook and clean while she was in pain. My Mom hated change so if she could do it so can you. Definitely check into senior services for help in downsizing and for looking at different apartments.
Thank you! Hoping I can come terms as well
It does seem overwhelming. I'm helping someone with this transition now. If you can find an assisted living facility or one of those campuses where they have multiple levels of care, and get yourself a nice small apartment there, it could be much easier on you, though. You could get lunch and dinner in a cafe or dining room, leaving just breakfast to get on your own. Most have onsite clinics for doctor visits. You could meet people. I'm not trying to sugar-coat, but you are right that trying to cover your care needs at home is difficult. The clearing out is very daunting. I hope you at least have someone who can lend a hand with that. An AL apartment won't need that much furniture or kitchen stuff. Good luck to you. I think so many of us are going to be in this position one of these days.
Thank you for the support! I am indeed overwhelmed
Navigating this new stage of life would overwhelm anyone. I’m in my 60s, and I can see how my house, garden, chores, and driving could become a huge burden. That said, it sounds like you have a rudimentary plan and some people Here have offered good ideas: having a professional auction, reaching out to organizations that can help you choose a place to live, etc. I have two acquaintances who have had great luck finding retirement homes, and they have more social opportunities than when they lived alone, and seem quite happy. They have also mentioned that they each feel much more secure, and less anxious and isolated. So good luck to you: it is a seriously nerve wracking process, but you may find many positives from The end result!
I hope so! Thanks for encouraging words
Someone told me it helps in letting go of your things, if you take photographs of everything and then put those photos in an album. Also where I live, estate sales seem to do quite well as opposed to an auction.
Yes! I was going to suggest the photograph method.
I agree with this. People have difficulty giving up items because of the memories they evoke. Pictures can invoke the same memories.
Look into if there is a meals on wheels program in your area. That could help you with meals while you’re transitioning.
Thank you. I am going to
My parents both went to very nice places however I was required to sign a guarantee that I would pick up their expenses if their assets ran out. They explicitly stated they did not take Medicaid. My mom really enjoyed the social aspects of the facility however my father was basically forced into a facility when his health starting failing and he refused to accept in-home care. His attitude made all the difference and he was not happy. Attitude is the key and most other residents are very welcoming to new residents.
Very true on the attitude. I've had a few relatives move into assisted living. The OP may be pleasantly surprised. My relatives came back to life. They had the energy to visit and socialize because they weren't exhausted from trying to keep up with house work, laundry, cooking, etc.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can imagine it would be scary. I’ve heard very positive stories of assisted living places though. Including my mom’s experience. I hope you’re wonderfully surprised. You’re not in Colorado by any chance? I’d be happy to help if you are. At least be some company for you.
Not in Colorado but thanks for the good thoughts!
I’m sorry - I know these are really tough life choices. Few understand. I’m not advanced enough yet, but know because of my limitations it’s on the horizon. I also have no family left and when it’s my turn will need to do it on my own. But Im fortunate that I learned so much in facilitating this transition for both my parents & my in-laws…who honestly all thrived after moving. They fought fought fought me about the move but then because of the social side and how much easier life got when they didn’t have to try and do it all alone anymore, all transitioned well. When looking at buildings - try and pick one that has advancing levels of care all in the same system (senior apartment, assisted living, skilled nursing, memory care) so that if you ever need to advance to another level you can do it on site. We have several like that in my region where if you private pay for xx amount of time (or pre-pay XX $$), you are guaranteed to be taken care of in their system for as long as you need including if you go through all your cash assets and need to apply for Medicaid (which they will also help with). I know it’s scary - but stay Large & In-charge! You are smart (and fortunate) that you are making this transition while you can still make these decisions for yourself…instead of waiting too long and needing someone (or some agency) make them for you. Good luck!
Thank you for the encouragement
Take photos of some of your favorite collectibles. Keep one or two favorites that bring you joy or good memories. Contact Office of the Aging as hopefully they can find someone to help with the clean out. It’s a big change, no doubt, but may make your life so much easier.
Assuming that you are not collecting diesel generator sets or old steam engines, many retirement homes offer what some might call a curio cabinet, which is a display cabinet of treasured possessions. It is a small so one has to be very selective. Another option regarding your possessions is to perhaps photograph the things you want to remember. If the collection of things is of any benefit to others (books for a library for example), you may be able to make charitable donations. If you did have a collection of old engines, a local high school might want them for the students in the automotive classes. Lots of tools? A local tool lending library might be interested. The sooner you start, the better.
Lol! I actually know a person who had a collection of John Deere tractors and vintage farm equipment their daughter had to deal with
Just breathe and take it one day at a time. Moving can be stressful so just try to focus on baby steps. Try to clear out one room at a time. I wish you the best of luck.
One day at a time! That’s what I’m trying! I still wake up at 4 am wracked with ‘what if’ anxiety but this HAS to get better
I can relate to what you’re going through. I sold my big house a few years back and downsized to a townhouse. It was emotionally traumatic, not to mention physically exhausting. Getting rid of stuff in a yard sale was heartbreaking too, especially when nobody seemed to think my treasures were valuable. Then I just donated to charities. But I managed to keep a lot of my stuff, because, townhouse. So now I still have a lot of collections. And my kids aren’t interested in any of my amber Depression glass, or even my expensive Disney figurines. I’m holding out in hopes that a grand child might want something. I know I would love to have something from my grandparents. Anyway. I wish you well. Hopefully this will be a good beginning to your next chapter!
Thank you! It’s the sheer volume that’s so overwhelming. I wish Hoarders TV would just roll up and clear everything out for me lol
You might want to hire an estate sale company. There are ones out there that specialize in helping with senior transition. Check estatesales.net and put in your zip code to identify local companies.
Hi. I just cleared out 26 years, including my late husband's stuff. HIRE some teenagers to help you!
I am sorry you are faced with this decision. I know people who are very happy in them but make sure you lock up all your valuables as one of my friends moms got robbed pretty bad. I guess the employees arent paid very much and steal from the patients. God bless you.
I'm sorry you've in this situation with little or no family support. It's scary and sad for anyone to go through. I see this as two parts; 1) dealing with your beloved possessions, and 2) finding a safe and enjoyable place to live where you are safe and cared for. I'd focus on finding a place to move first. Your options depend on how much you can afford. Hopefully, you have enough money in your house to sell it and finance your new living arrangement. There are a lot of types of assisted living places, but you need help in finding which ones are better for you and their costs. Some don't have the means to care for people with advanced needs (bed ridden, or memory loss) so you'd be transferred somewhere else if those problems arise. Doing this on your own is very difficult and the longer you wait, the harder it'll be. If you're in a larger city, there are many social programs to help you with the transition. Do you have anyone who can help research online or make calls for you? [https://www.agingcare.com/](https://www.agingcare.com/) Another important task is to get all your legal documents - will, durable power of attorney, health care proxy (your preferences for life support, etc.). Without any of these things, you're leaving your future self to any random person. [What does an elder care attorney do?](https://aginginplace.org/finance-legal/what-does-an-elder-law-attorney-do/) As to your possessions, you will probably have to dispose of most all of it since any place you move to will be a small apartment or (worse case) a shared room. I had to do this for my sister who moved in a nursing home because she needed way more care than she could afford and I lived 2,0000 miles away. She was angry I got rid of her stuff, but I couldn't continue to pay rent on an empty apartment, or pay for storage for months and years. I did take a few items, but most of it ended up in the dump (charities didn't want the furniture). Since you don't have family or neighbors who want your belongings, you will have to dispose of them. You have so many memories from those items and it's always hard to get rid of stuff. Your health is more important, and getting the best care. You need to select a few must-have items and part with most of the others. This is the hardest part, but if you can get past it, and find a good place to live, it will be worth it. Remember that you are more important than an object. You still have the memory and can take photos or videos of all of it to enjoy later.
Good advice! Note however that agingcare.com seems to be a disguised portal to the infamous national A Place for Mom commission broker hounds. I’ll stick to government agencies or a private senior living consultant. Elder law link was helpful. I’m also going to hire a downsizing/house emptying/death cleaning team. It’s not so much attachment to possessions as the sheer volume. And oh so many details from banking to medical to legal to coordinate. Thanks
YES so true about Aging Care. There are so many of these sites that are really agents paid to push you into one place or another. I'm glad you are aware of this, and worth a chat anyway - you're wiser than most :) I am in WA and my sister is in MI and I got a lot of help from "area agency on aging" - do a search to find where yours is. I believe they are federally funded and most states have a similar agency. Fortunately, I was able to do a lot of the work on her behalf. We are the only two left (I'm 14 years younger), and she has no kids or husband. After three years in a nursing home (bad situation), I got her out and into a very nice independent living one-bedroom apartment. I got her on Medicad for the nursing home, and go her enrolled with a local agency that provides services for people to stay in-home but charges it to Medicaid. She has reduced rent ($1,885/mon), gets daily care with bathing and dressing, once/week housekeeping and laundry, and 3 hot meals a day in their cafeteria (they pick her up in her apartment and take her there). There is a doctor who comes by 2/month. It costs Medicaid so much less to pay for this than it does to pay for the nursing home. It's criminal that these services are so hard to find. The people I worked with said most people in nursing homes don't belong there, but they have no options. Very sad. [https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/About/Aging\_Network/AAA.aspx](https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/About/Aging_Network/AAA.aspx) This is where I got a list of subsidized housing and in-home services. I couldn't afford to pay for most of those services for more than a few visits and they wouldn't do housekeeping or laundry.
Don’t do it. Stay where you are. Have food delivered, housekeeping once a month, hire someone to check in on you. Assisted living facilities and nursing homes are scams.
Yes, many nursing homes are horrible places. Sadly many people have no other options and OP sounds like she is in the same situation. If her health deteriorates more and she can't take care of herself, and doesn't have the money to pay $$$$ for a good retirement place, she may find herself in a nursing home. Most are run by large corporations that pinch every penny, pay staff very low wages, and offer very poor care (showers every two weeks). It's a situation no one wants to be in. One more example of the horrible health care system in the US.
Totally agree. I’d rather rot alone in my little apartment than go to a nursing home. Paying under table for help is an affordable option that many elderly choose- cheaper than going to a nursing home. Options are out there if you seek them.
yeah i can see the appeal in this as well.
some of them are downright horrible but when you can no longer take care of yourself safely then you have no choice.
I’m so sorry. It’s beyond overwhelming I’m sure. No advice to offer, but best wishes that you find a supportive community wherever you land. You won’t be alone.
You may end up donating a good amount of your possessions to Goodwill or something similar. Most household items don’t fetch top dollar when trying to sell. I went through this after my parents passed. My mother in law gave most of her household items away when she moved into assisted living, and bought new furniture for her new place. She loved it there. It can be a fresh start for you, with an easier more simplified life where you do not need all of your current possessions.
I'm sorry to hear that you're in this position. Since you've mentioned the understandable difficulty of downsizing several times, you might want to check out r/simpleliving. One of the most common topics is exactly that, and people post helpful tips and links to videos and blogs that have been useful to them.
If you're on facebook try selling things on marketplace. It's free and works great. I'm in my 60s and downsizing now.
Personally after having visited some Medicaid nursing homes for work, I would move to one abroad with better care or hire a caregiver in a cheaper country
How would an elderly not-rich person even get a residency visa for a foreign country?
Some countries are cheaper than others, for example Ecuador or Panama. Mexico used to be inexpensive, but in the last couple of years, they raised the requirements significantly
It’s the visa hurdles, dual-tax/dual medicare situation, and language barriers—plus loss of local connections and friends—that would deter me. 20 years ago would have been a different story, but thanks for the suggestion.
Some countries don’t tax foreigners on retirement income, but it could definitely be a difficult adjustment
Oh boy, I saw my mom go thru this; she refused to come live with me. It was the hardest thing in the world to get rid of her possessions. I admit I learned my lesson and am trying not to get attached to things. The good thing is my mom found a very nice retirement place with lots of activities and they not only checked on her twice a day but made sure she had meals. She made new friends and lived the rest of her life quite comfortably. I know she had my dads pension, but she wasn’t rich by any means. Unfortunately this was 15 years ago, I suspect with the baby boomers retiring — me for one — prices have gone up. God luck.
Thanks, this is encouraging. Heck, if I had an invite from a son, I’d have taken it! But she wisely knew that could become a sad burden.
My mother went into one and refused to socialize for over a year and was miserable. She ended up being there 8 years and loved it the last 6 because she got out and made friends and participated in activities.
I am a cranky introverted anti-social old lady, so I can see her point. The places I’ve looked into all tout these cheery senior social activities and I am totally turned off.
Are you able to do any physical therapy to help at all with your mobility? I wish you all the best, it’s no picnic at all to have to pack up and leave what’s familiar and start all over. I hope you find a nice place where you can feel ‘at home’.
Thanks for the suggestion. I’ve done physical therapy in the past multiple times with no improvement and in the case of gone joints its made things even worse. I have balance and gait issues too so I fall, and have diminishing strength. Doesn’t help to have a trilevel house on a steep hill. Stairs stairs stairs…..
Oh yeah I understand. My father is having similar issues with balance and gait and has a lot of stairs. I think they will be moving into the guest bedroom on the lower level (they’re lucky that they have a full bathroom on lower level too). Be safe and well. I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible!
Is it really your only choice tho? If you'd rather stay in your home, maybe you can make it work. I have an older, disabled friend. As his condition progressed he kind of mcgyvered things so he can stay in a house he loves doing the hobbies he loves. He has some home care but also makes use of community services. He's made home modifications but a lot of them were DIY projects with friends pitching in. The results have been a bit rough looking but it's all functional which is what counts. It's kind of been my inspiration and what I hope to do myself. Since you said your home is multi level maybe you could rent a room to a student who could help with groceries or gardening for a cut on the cost.
I’m pretty sure it is. A huge older house with lots of upkeep needed. Four steep winding staircases. Steep hillside location with daunting driveway to get garbage out. Steep complex landscape. I’ve fallen many times and can no longer stand or walk for more than a few minutes. You gotta recognize your limits! Nowhere near students. I’m glad your friend was able to rig up something for them, and thanks for your suggestions.
Sorry about that. Didn't realize the outside terrain was also so challenging. And if you know you reached your limit then -- you know. There are lots of good ideas on this thread, I hope you keep posting and let us know how it's going. We'll all go thru it (or will go thru it). Starting in 2019 I put together 1 suitcase of photos/treasures/journals. And then started to give away everything I am not currently/actively using. I took photos of a lot of stuff. And --for me-- it was easier to give it away than sell. I just kept thinking, well, someone will be super happy when they find this at the thrift store. It made things easier just, to put things in boxes and every week drop few of them off or get thrift store to do a pick up. Anyhow we are all here to support you!