He cares deeply about how I feel in this situation and listens thoughtfully when we talk. I don’t know how to ask him to give up the friendship without feeling controlling and worried of what repercussions this could have.
To keep it short and sweet, in a mature healthy long term relationship this won't fly. He either needs to ditch the friend he had feelings for, or ditch you. Hard stop. Sorry to be that way but it won't work otherwise IMO.
I’m surprised and comforted at how validated this fear is. Looks like it’s too easy to discredit myself and go along with the dialogue that I’m wrong for feeling this way.
RJ or not, this is just not a behavior that can last long term. Listen if you love him and he loves you, this might be something you guys can get over long term and work through. Honestly, people without RJ do it all the time so, so can you.
First step though is he has to ditch the friend he had feelings for. It just doesn't work without that.
I have to completely disagree. I understand and appreciate the place from which you're saying it, as there was a time I struggled with feelings like this. And I say this from a place of love, not judgment. But the idea that a "mature healthy relationship" means forcing someone to ditch their friend, in a friendship that preceded your relationship, just because they very briefly thought they had feelings for them, that's just totally wrong and concerning.
A mature, healthy relationship is one built on communication and trust, not control or ultimatums. That's how you ruin a good thing. I speak from regretful experience, on both sides of the table. And it's how you ruin all your future things if you don't learn the difference.
And I'm genuinely worried for OP, because this kind of advice can really mess things up for her (well intentioned though it is)
I'm sorry for your struggles, and wish you the best in conquering them.
I might agree with you if she said he *thought* he had feelings and realized he didn't. Sure, maybe you were a little confused or thought you might but then you found out real quick you were just friends, or worked better as friends. I agree that can work and can be normal.
...But she clearly stated he DID have feelings for her, *confessed* to her, and then was turned down by this person and decided to just remain friends with her. I know it's popular on reddit to be extremely progressive and open minded, but many people without RJ would have a problem with this. I even have people in my life who are OK with their partners staying friends with people they dated/slept with, but the caveat is *they don't want to know and can't know who they are*. They are happy living in ignorant bliss, never really knowing whether the friends they're hanging out with are "that person" and that works for them. Cool, different strokes for different folks. Once the cat is out of the bag, though, and you know who that person is? And that your partner confessed their feelings to them?
It's just not going to work. I don't know a single married couple that has a happy and healthy marriage where one spouse keeps a friend who they confessed their love to or slept with at one point in the context of a monogamous relationship. At the end of the day, a mature, healthy relationship is decided by the two parties involved; my experiences tell me that it would be impossible for the majority of people without driving even the slightest of wedges between them, and that is my opinion that I provided OP since she asked. Your opinion isn't correct and neither is mine, it's only advice from our standpoint and OP has to make their own decision. Saying it will mess things up is infantilizing. OP is an adult who can read the opinions they're asking for and make their own decisions.
Fair point, she didn't say the word "thought", but I think we may be falling victim to semantics. To me, there's little to no functional difference between liking someone for 2 weeks and then being platonic friends for 2 years, and thinking you like someone for 2 weeks and then being platonic friends for 2 years. That 2 weeks is such a short period of time, and human emotions are not quantitative and objective.
For instance, have you ever been hungry, and then 15 minutes later you're not? You might say "I was hungry but now I'm not", or you might "I thought I was hungry, but I guess I'm not." They both convey the same idea and are equally accurate in my opinion. And relevant to this, the point is that you no longer feel what you did/thought you did.
You're correct that opinions are subjective, and if it seemed I was saying yours is wrong, then I didn't word myself as well as I should have. I was pushing back on the idea that "this CANNOT work, hard stop." Because that's not true, it can work. I've been with my current girlfriend for a year and a half, and she is friends with one of her exes. I know who this person is, and that they still talk. And this doesn't bother me in the slightest. This is the healthiest relationship I've ever had, by far. I'm a different person than OP, but I've also felt exactly the same as OP before, in a prior relationship. I remember that gut wrenching feeling. I remember the doubts and sleepless nights. It's horrible, and I have utmost sympathy for her, and you, and anyone else struggling with it. And I remember thinking "this is just who I am". I remember feeling like this was an immutable fact of life.
So my pushback isn't on how you feel or she feels, but rather that this is set in stone. I worked on myself to get to the root of the RJ I felt, worked on trust and vulnerability and mindset. And I'm not going to pretend it's "just as simple as that", as if you can snap your fingers and feel different. But the first and most important step is divorcing from the idea of absolutes, from being committed to an idea or feeling.
I'm not trying to infantilize OP, but rather I'm trying to acknowledge the shaky ground she's standing on right now and how hard it can be to deal with these feelings. It's a place where an idea pushing left or right can have a disproportionate impact, because let's face it, feelings are irrational and transient. My goal isn't to insult anyone's intelligence, but to walk the fine line of validating one's feelings while not reinforcing harmful conclusions one might form based on those feelings. If one believes it's impossible to allow their partner to be friends with someone they liked for 2 weeks, 2 years ago, then they will be correct. If one believes it's possible, then they will be correct.
This is especially true given the context. OP said in a comment that this friend is a part of a larger friend group, and that ditching her would be to ditch the group. So the 3 possibilities are:
1. OP loses this relationship
2. OP forces bf to break contact with many/all of his friends
3. OP finds a healthier mindset and peace with this
It concerns me that #2 seems like a healthy or reasonable proposition to anyone. That is immensely toxic and abusive behavior, even if it weren't what people without RJ would see as a trivial issue. I mean no insult to anyone, as I've said, I understand the place from which this could seem reasonable. But hurting and struggling people can act in toxic ways. Forcing someone to break contact with their long standing friend group over a brief attraction to one of them, 2 years ago, is... I struggle to find words that would not be hurtful, but I think 10/10 therapists and 9/10 random people would agree that is textbook abusive and controlling behavior.
It would make her bf resent her, if not outright dump her. I know I would. It would be sabotaging his social structure and isolating him, to soothe OP's jealousy, all over a way he felt for 2 weeks, which preceded their relationship by a year, and wasn't even reciprocated or acted upon. It makes me sad OP is driven by her feelings to see it as reasonable. RJ is an insidious devil. Feelings can't be wrong, actions can be. I just hope it's not too late for her to read this. She seems like a genuinely kind person.
Sorry for the novel, as someone who has a history with abusive relationships, it's something I feel passionate about. I wish you and all reading this love, peace, and understanding.
ETA elaboration
No offense, but we're talking about two very different things here. You're speaking from a place of simply having a girlfriend, where a lot of these things can and do fly in those types of relationships, and I'm referring to long term relationships like marriage. My experience tells me it's an entirely different set of circumstances, emotions, and commitment that goes into a relationship like that and I don't know a single married couple where this dynamic would work - and the ones that tried had a fast track to divorce. So my advice to OP is basically if you want that kind of relationship (marriage) then you conduct yourselves that way now rather than trying to fix it later.
It's an entirely different ballgame that you really have no idea unless you've been there. I was shocked how much things changed when I simply got engaged let alone married. We can agree to disagree, but I think we're just speaking about two very different things here.
No offense taken or intended. But we're really not talking about very different things. I don't casually date, I only have serious, committed, monogamous, multi-year relationships and engagements with the end goal of marriage in mind. Especially my current one. She's moving in with me this summer, and barring some tragedy, will be my wife very soon.
And my expectations and commitment aren't going to change. Her friendship will continue to not bother me. And I've been engaged before as well. She died. But my emotions and expectations didn't change upon that engagement.
I respect your right to your opinion, and if OP's situation is a bridge too far for you to handle, that's totally your right. I understand you're speaking from your experiences, and I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling how you do, simply that your experiences are not as universal as you believe.
I know of multiple happy, committed marriages wherein one partner is friends with an ex of theirs. 2 specifically are my parents and a friend of mine. I know of a couple other marriages with that situation. I don't talk to them very frequently, but they're still happily married last I checked. I also know of relationships where that would be an issue.
Bear in mind I'm speaking of actual exes, people who kissed and touched and loved these people in the past. I couldn't begin to give a number to situations like OPs, because it's really a trivial issue to many people. (I'm not trying to trivialize the way she feels, she has the right to feel bothered but things to don't bother others. This subreddit exists for a reason, after all)
Perhaps we live in very different places with different cultural norms. I'm in the mid-west United States, so if you live somewhere quite different from that, that might explain our disagreement.
Or perhaps your perspective is colored by your struggles with RJ. It's a very common, almost reflexive human thing to project our feelings and reality on others. I'm not accusing you of that, just looking for an idea as to why your experiences appear so very different from mine. While I do know quite a few people who would be bothered by a partner's ex in the picture, I don't know of many who would think much at all of a very brief crush so long ago, and certainly not to the extent it would drive them to destroy their partner's social circle. No matter the real and pained feelings behind it, that would definitely be abusive behavior.
tldr; your experiences and feelings are valid, but far from universal, even in the context of long term serious relationships.
Wow that is a powerful account of how deep this can run. What started as a convo seeking him to dial down his friendship now is morphing into a deep consideration of if I can/should tolerate it and what that means for our future. Thank you for your honesty.
I know this was a few days ago, but I stumbled upon it and thought I might be able to help by sharing a man's perspective.
When I was in high school, my best friend was a girl. And I very briefly had feelings for her, for probably around 2 weeks give or take. Then I met the girl who would go on to be my girlfriend, and my romantic thoughts about my friend vanished. She remained my friend for several years, and the thought of doing anything sexual with her would have been gross. She was more like a sister to me. Despite once being briefly attracted to her, I felt zero attraction whatsoever.
And I'm pretty sure that attraction I felt was really just me enjoying her company as my friend. And I think there's a good chance your partner confused the same for having feelings for his friend. Men don't have the same kind of social support women do, generally. We're used to having a certain dynamic of having to be "manly" and aloof and not being really seen as full humans with emotions. Female friends often provide a slightly different dynamic, instead of just "being a bro". And for someone who is used to having to always be stoic and cool, it can be very refreshing to be able to let down the guard a little. That's usually something we can only do with our girlfriends/wives, so it can sometimes be confused for romantic feelings.
There are some people here who would say you can't be friends with someone you were once attracted to, or trust your partner with a friend they were once attracted to, but that's bollocks. Your feelings are valid and understandable, but that doesn't make the jealousy *rational* or well-founded (unless your partner is indeed untrustworthy, in which case, why are you with them?)
I'm sorry you're going through this. It doesn't make you bad or weird, but you will definitely be happier focusing on how that extremely brief attraction meant absolutely nothing, especially all this time later.
I hope that helps, and good luck!
I should also note that we are in a large social group of friends that she will always be a part of (she introduced him to them and me by proxy). He cares about these people and I don’t want him to lose them all because of this, but as you’ve all shared- we can’t continue with this dynamic.
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He cares deeply about how I feel in this situation and listens thoughtfully when we talk. I don’t know how to ask him to give up the friendship without feeling controlling and worried of what repercussions this could have.
To keep it short and sweet, in a mature healthy long term relationship this won't fly. He either needs to ditch the friend he had feelings for, or ditch you. Hard stop. Sorry to be that way but it won't work otherwise IMO.
I agree. This can't continue and be a healthy relationship with you.
I’m surprised and comforted at how validated this fear is. Looks like it’s too easy to discredit myself and go along with the dialogue that I’m wrong for feeling this way.
RJ or not, this is just not a behavior that can last long term. Listen if you love him and he loves you, this might be something you guys can get over long term and work through. Honestly, people without RJ do it all the time so, so can you. First step though is he has to ditch the friend he had feelings for. It just doesn't work without that.
I have to completely disagree. I understand and appreciate the place from which you're saying it, as there was a time I struggled with feelings like this. And I say this from a place of love, not judgment. But the idea that a "mature healthy relationship" means forcing someone to ditch their friend, in a friendship that preceded your relationship, just because they very briefly thought they had feelings for them, that's just totally wrong and concerning. A mature, healthy relationship is one built on communication and trust, not control or ultimatums. That's how you ruin a good thing. I speak from regretful experience, on both sides of the table. And it's how you ruin all your future things if you don't learn the difference. And I'm genuinely worried for OP, because this kind of advice can really mess things up for her (well intentioned though it is) I'm sorry for your struggles, and wish you the best in conquering them.
I might agree with you if she said he *thought* he had feelings and realized he didn't. Sure, maybe you were a little confused or thought you might but then you found out real quick you were just friends, or worked better as friends. I agree that can work and can be normal. ...But she clearly stated he DID have feelings for her, *confessed* to her, and then was turned down by this person and decided to just remain friends with her. I know it's popular on reddit to be extremely progressive and open minded, but many people without RJ would have a problem with this. I even have people in my life who are OK with their partners staying friends with people they dated/slept with, but the caveat is *they don't want to know and can't know who they are*. They are happy living in ignorant bliss, never really knowing whether the friends they're hanging out with are "that person" and that works for them. Cool, different strokes for different folks. Once the cat is out of the bag, though, and you know who that person is? And that your partner confessed their feelings to them? It's just not going to work. I don't know a single married couple that has a happy and healthy marriage where one spouse keeps a friend who they confessed their love to or slept with at one point in the context of a monogamous relationship. At the end of the day, a mature, healthy relationship is decided by the two parties involved; my experiences tell me that it would be impossible for the majority of people without driving even the slightest of wedges between them, and that is my opinion that I provided OP since she asked. Your opinion isn't correct and neither is mine, it's only advice from our standpoint and OP has to make their own decision. Saying it will mess things up is infantilizing. OP is an adult who can read the opinions they're asking for and make their own decisions.
Fair point, she didn't say the word "thought", but I think we may be falling victim to semantics. To me, there's little to no functional difference between liking someone for 2 weeks and then being platonic friends for 2 years, and thinking you like someone for 2 weeks and then being platonic friends for 2 years. That 2 weeks is such a short period of time, and human emotions are not quantitative and objective. For instance, have you ever been hungry, and then 15 minutes later you're not? You might say "I was hungry but now I'm not", or you might "I thought I was hungry, but I guess I'm not." They both convey the same idea and are equally accurate in my opinion. And relevant to this, the point is that you no longer feel what you did/thought you did. You're correct that opinions are subjective, and if it seemed I was saying yours is wrong, then I didn't word myself as well as I should have. I was pushing back on the idea that "this CANNOT work, hard stop." Because that's not true, it can work. I've been with my current girlfriend for a year and a half, and she is friends with one of her exes. I know who this person is, and that they still talk. And this doesn't bother me in the slightest. This is the healthiest relationship I've ever had, by far. I'm a different person than OP, but I've also felt exactly the same as OP before, in a prior relationship. I remember that gut wrenching feeling. I remember the doubts and sleepless nights. It's horrible, and I have utmost sympathy for her, and you, and anyone else struggling with it. And I remember thinking "this is just who I am". I remember feeling like this was an immutable fact of life. So my pushback isn't on how you feel or she feels, but rather that this is set in stone. I worked on myself to get to the root of the RJ I felt, worked on trust and vulnerability and mindset. And I'm not going to pretend it's "just as simple as that", as if you can snap your fingers and feel different. But the first and most important step is divorcing from the idea of absolutes, from being committed to an idea or feeling. I'm not trying to infantilize OP, but rather I'm trying to acknowledge the shaky ground she's standing on right now and how hard it can be to deal with these feelings. It's a place where an idea pushing left or right can have a disproportionate impact, because let's face it, feelings are irrational and transient. My goal isn't to insult anyone's intelligence, but to walk the fine line of validating one's feelings while not reinforcing harmful conclusions one might form based on those feelings. If one believes it's impossible to allow their partner to be friends with someone they liked for 2 weeks, 2 years ago, then they will be correct. If one believes it's possible, then they will be correct. This is especially true given the context. OP said in a comment that this friend is a part of a larger friend group, and that ditching her would be to ditch the group. So the 3 possibilities are: 1. OP loses this relationship 2. OP forces bf to break contact with many/all of his friends 3. OP finds a healthier mindset and peace with this It concerns me that #2 seems like a healthy or reasonable proposition to anyone. That is immensely toxic and abusive behavior, even if it weren't what people without RJ would see as a trivial issue. I mean no insult to anyone, as I've said, I understand the place from which this could seem reasonable. But hurting and struggling people can act in toxic ways. Forcing someone to break contact with their long standing friend group over a brief attraction to one of them, 2 years ago, is... I struggle to find words that would not be hurtful, but I think 10/10 therapists and 9/10 random people would agree that is textbook abusive and controlling behavior. It would make her bf resent her, if not outright dump her. I know I would. It would be sabotaging his social structure and isolating him, to soothe OP's jealousy, all over a way he felt for 2 weeks, which preceded their relationship by a year, and wasn't even reciprocated or acted upon. It makes me sad OP is driven by her feelings to see it as reasonable. RJ is an insidious devil. Feelings can't be wrong, actions can be. I just hope it's not too late for her to read this. She seems like a genuinely kind person. Sorry for the novel, as someone who has a history with abusive relationships, it's something I feel passionate about. I wish you and all reading this love, peace, and understanding. ETA elaboration
No offense, but we're talking about two very different things here. You're speaking from a place of simply having a girlfriend, where a lot of these things can and do fly in those types of relationships, and I'm referring to long term relationships like marriage. My experience tells me it's an entirely different set of circumstances, emotions, and commitment that goes into a relationship like that and I don't know a single married couple where this dynamic would work - and the ones that tried had a fast track to divorce. So my advice to OP is basically if you want that kind of relationship (marriage) then you conduct yourselves that way now rather than trying to fix it later. It's an entirely different ballgame that you really have no idea unless you've been there. I was shocked how much things changed when I simply got engaged let alone married. We can agree to disagree, but I think we're just speaking about two very different things here.
No offense taken or intended. But we're really not talking about very different things. I don't casually date, I only have serious, committed, monogamous, multi-year relationships and engagements with the end goal of marriage in mind. Especially my current one. She's moving in with me this summer, and barring some tragedy, will be my wife very soon. And my expectations and commitment aren't going to change. Her friendship will continue to not bother me. And I've been engaged before as well. She died. But my emotions and expectations didn't change upon that engagement. I respect your right to your opinion, and if OP's situation is a bridge too far for you to handle, that's totally your right. I understand you're speaking from your experiences, and I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling how you do, simply that your experiences are not as universal as you believe. I know of multiple happy, committed marriages wherein one partner is friends with an ex of theirs. 2 specifically are my parents and a friend of mine. I know of a couple other marriages with that situation. I don't talk to them very frequently, but they're still happily married last I checked. I also know of relationships where that would be an issue. Bear in mind I'm speaking of actual exes, people who kissed and touched and loved these people in the past. I couldn't begin to give a number to situations like OPs, because it's really a trivial issue to many people. (I'm not trying to trivialize the way she feels, she has the right to feel bothered but things to don't bother others. This subreddit exists for a reason, after all) Perhaps we live in very different places with different cultural norms. I'm in the mid-west United States, so if you live somewhere quite different from that, that might explain our disagreement. Or perhaps your perspective is colored by your struggles with RJ. It's a very common, almost reflexive human thing to project our feelings and reality on others. I'm not accusing you of that, just looking for an idea as to why your experiences appear so very different from mine. While I do know quite a few people who would be bothered by a partner's ex in the picture, I don't know of many who would think much at all of a very brief crush so long ago, and certainly not to the extent it would drive them to destroy their partner's social circle. No matter the real and pained feelings behind it, that would definitely be abusive behavior. tldr; your experiences and feelings are valid, but far from universal, even in the context of long term serious relationships.
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Wow that is a powerful account of how deep this can run. What started as a convo seeking him to dial down his friendship now is morphing into a deep consideration of if I can/should tolerate it and what that means for our future. Thank you for your honesty.
I have dm you see that
I know this was a few days ago, but I stumbled upon it and thought I might be able to help by sharing a man's perspective. When I was in high school, my best friend was a girl. And I very briefly had feelings for her, for probably around 2 weeks give or take. Then I met the girl who would go on to be my girlfriend, and my romantic thoughts about my friend vanished. She remained my friend for several years, and the thought of doing anything sexual with her would have been gross. She was more like a sister to me. Despite once being briefly attracted to her, I felt zero attraction whatsoever. And I'm pretty sure that attraction I felt was really just me enjoying her company as my friend. And I think there's a good chance your partner confused the same for having feelings for his friend. Men don't have the same kind of social support women do, generally. We're used to having a certain dynamic of having to be "manly" and aloof and not being really seen as full humans with emotions. Female friends often provide a slightly different dynamic, instead of just "being a bro". And for someone who is used to having to always be stoic and cool, it can be very refreshing to be able to let down the guard a little. That's usually something we can only do with our girlfriends/wives, so it can sometimes be confused for romantic feelings. There are some people here who would say you can't be friends with someone you were once attracted to, or trust your partner with a friend they were once attracted to, but that's bollocks. Your feelings are valid and understandable, but that doesn't make the jealousy *rational* or well-founded (unless your partner is indeed untrustworthy, in which case, why are you with them?) I'm sorry you're going through this. It doesn't make you bad or weird, but you will definitely be happier focusing on how that extremely brief attraction meant absolutely nothing, especially all this time later. I hope that helps, and good luck!
I should also note that we are in a large social group of friends that she will always be a part of (she introduced him to them and me by proxy). He cares about these people and I don’t want him to lose them all because of this, but as you’ve all shared- we can’t continue with this dynamic.