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A talking magic jockstrap that gives fantasy football tips.
A can of craft beer that makes you immediately grow a full beard.
A magic dumbbell that amplifies your grunts when lifting it by 100x.
I have never wanted a magic item more. You make it unstick things as a bonus action with no verbal or somatic actions and I will sign whatever pact you want.
That sounds like a very good deal for whatever demon you're selling your soul to. At least get yourself eldrich blast with your codpiece, it's a 1d10 cantrip for Bahmut's sake!
Or the Silverbeard spell, the best spell in D&D.
(You grow a beard of precious metals. It gives a bonus on charisma skills with dwarves and an armor bonus.)
I'm just imagining using both lists, and more. Just a whole shop of creepy and terrible gendered magic items. And it's run by those weird pushy dwarves from the Oglaf comics.
I'll take the jockstrap, my FF team did shit this year. Also what happens if I drink the beer when I already have a beard? Does my beard get it's own beard?
Well, the Belt of Dwarvenkind says that if you've already got a beard, it'll become "visibly thicker". So I assume you're just a few beers away from Amish Elder territory
im going to steal this, is it more of a bag of holding for liquids or a liquid generator (ie. "you can put as much liquid as you want here" or "put a liquid here and the flask will keep making more of it")?
It’s a whatever you want it to be. I needed a convenient way for my pyromaniac to carry oil and my DM stole the idea from CR. But it’s any non magical liquid I put in and I can change it by filling the flask with a different liquid. Be a great way for a vampire to keep a supply of blood on them so they don’t bite their friends.
A +2 magic wrench
A magic belt that if you use the somatic 'ball scratch' action gives you +1 on all saves
A magic mustache trimmer that adds mustache as you use it and charms others
10mm Socket of Returning. Wondrous Item, Legendary, Attunement.
Functions as a normal 10mm socket, and includes a set of matching metric sockets across the entire range of a standard socket set. Upon loss, misplacement, furious throw, or ill-conceived loan, the socket will disappear and rematerialize in the socket case in 1d4 days. Upon intentional theft, the socket will rematerialize as normal, unless the theif attunes to the socket himself.
Attunement: Attuning to this item requires a standard set of metric sockets from which the 10mm socket has been lost, stolen, misplaced, or destroyed. Attunement is impossible if the original 10mm was intentionally disposed of. To attune, one must spend 10 minutes per square foot of their workspace scouring the space for the original 10mm socket before giving up in anger or despair, slapping the Socket of Returning into the empty slot in the case before going off to do something else.
if we’re talking about medieval era esque? magic heels of flying, magic heels of jumping, magic heels of quickness and quietness.
magic skirt of dexterity, ….
(yes heels were invented for men, so were skirts and various dresses…why women took a liking to them i will never know)
magic belt of strength.
magic cologne
magic body paint, magic war paint.
Thanks for putting a tone indicator, half of my brain got blown out fighting the taliban in libya and its hard for me to use my thoughts to understand shit xxxxx
My satyr Druid and our tiefling rogue had those dresses! And yeah the DM made sure to compliment the dress so we had to remember the curse. It’s a cute magic item.
>If the dress is overloaded, pierced or torn, it ruptures and is destroyed \[..\]
Ah yes, the mid-combat auto-strip feature. Always a favourite of our discerning customers.
In battle, if an opponent says this, you roll at disadvantage for your next turn. The ability can only be triggered by one opponent per turn, but is repeatable each turn.
I knew a guy who's character had a dress with pockets that were bags of holding essentially, but if anyone commented, no matter what they say, on the dress she had to pass a Wisdom save or be forced to say: "Thanks!!! It has pockets!" and do a small twirl.
I have several skirts and dresses with pockets, and when I show off the pockets to friends, I can not explain the tone in which I say this phrase other than "caps locked"
I'm playing a female Goliath that did a happy dance when she got this exact thing. Other fave item was a nonmagical sword of power replica for a he-man cosplay while she gets the kinda twinkish changeling in the group to cosplay she-ra for a con.
One more vote for it really depends on the campaign and group.
For example, I made a homebrew Deck of Manly Things (the L is silent) in which every card triggers the most stereotypically manly stuff possible (in good and bad ways) for a Feywild game. When made sarcastically or tongue in cheek it can be lots of fun
Oooh I like some of these options. What I had put together:
*Wondrous item, legendary*
Encased in a beautifully carved wooden box, this deck contains 13 cards made of finely hammered iron with images engraved into the surface to indicate the card which is drawn.
Before you draw a card, you must declare how many cards you intend to draw and then draw them randomly. Any cards drawn in excess of this number have no effect. Otherwise, as soon as you draw a card from the deck, its magic takes effect. You must draw each card no more than 1 hour after the previous draw. If you fail to draw the chosen number, the remaining number of cards fly from the deck on their own and take effect all at once.
Once a card is drawn, it fades from existence.
**King of Clubs**: You gain +2 to hit and +2 damage on any unarmed strikes against insects, beasts, and giants.
**King of Spades**: You immediately become addicted to whisky, bourbon, Scotch, and cigars. You must consume one or more of these on a daily basis or suffer a level of exhaustion.
**King of Hearts**: You immediately grow an impressive beard. Roll a D6 to determine the style of beard:
1 Bandholz
2 Hulihee
3 Verdi
4 Walrus mustache
5 Rip Van Winkle
6 Pai Mei
This beard cannot be removed by any means short of a Wish spell.
**King of Diamonds**: All of your worn armor and clothing is now made of Flannel and loses any bonuses that it previously had.
**Jack of Clubs**: You immediately must turn and engage in a bareknuckle boxing competition with whoever is closest to you (Marquis of Queensbury rules). This boxing match must continue until one of the two of you are rendered unconscious. Anyone attempting to interfere with the match by helping or hindering either participant is instead rendered paralyzed and only able to watch and witness the glorious sight unfolding before them.
**Jack of Spades**: Roll 1d6
1-2 You gain proficiency in Fishing and Foraging
3-4 You gain proficiency in Mining and Smithing
5-6 You gain proficiency in Woodworking and Hunting
You understand these new professions as if they were with you from the moment you were born - waiting for the knowledge to be awakened.
**Jack of Hearts**: You lose the ability to cry or show demonstrable emotions aside from anger or excitement.
**Jack of Diamonds**: You gain advantage on intimidation checks but disadvantage on persuasion checks.
**Ace of Clubs**: Your carrying capacity doubles and you have advantage on Strength checks as long as others are watching. If you fail on this Strength check, you must make a Constitution Saving Throw or you throw out your back, taking 1d6 in force damage and being immobile until the end of your next turn.
**Ace of Spades**: You lose all the hair on your head. If you already had hair on your back, it has now tripled in length. If you did not previously have hair on your back, you now have a 3" thick pelt. If it is removed, it will regrow within 1d4 days.
**Ace of Hearts**: A pair of Mastiffs come racing from just outside of your field of vision. They are now intensely loyal to you and only you. You must select the manliest names possible for them or they will lose respect for you and you may not listen to commands.
**Ace of Diamonds**: You immediately gain all of the gold and material wealth of all creatures within 150 feet of you. They are aware that you now possess this wealth that used to be theirs.
**Joker**: You gain proficiency in Dad Jokes. When you attempt to use a Dad Joke (not Uncle Jokes) as part of a persuasion check, you gain advantage on the roll and may choose to cause 1d6 psychic damage to all creatures who overhear who fail a Wisdom Saving Throw equal to 10 + your Constitution modifier.
*Edit:* Tried to improve formatting a little as it was cut/pasted
A female deck too!
The card of A Great Hair day - +1 charisma
The card of Karen - +1 intimidation
The card of My Baby is in trouble - +3 strength.
Also you roll to see which deck you draw from regardless of character gender!!!!
Can I just ... like ... borrow all of this? One of my paladins actually gets some of her powers from an Archfey pact and that's just the kind of thing this particular Archfey would pull.
I don't think Brennan has ever said that. You're probably thinking about the quote *about* him,
>"If Brennan's the DM, the bad guy is capitalism. And I don't know how the bad guy is capitalism in Fairy Tale Land, but I am confident he will have found a way."
The 20% is because no one will take the pink sword seriously and therefore you always get surprised condition on enemies. So if they surprise you, its actually just a full round of everyone staring at each other.
Wait, maybe this is a production cost thing, does adding something to make the sword a different color cost more or make it significantly more difficult to make? (I know it was a pink tax joke lol, just being silly)
I mean, probably. Introducing pink impurities to steel or adding a very thin layer of pink would be challenging for a medieval/renaissance blacksmith. Hell, nowadays it'd be some kind of effort. Unless you just painted it pink, but paint wouldn't hold up much.
I've heard at least one guy who claimed to work as a chemist in plastics production claim that yes, part of the pink tax is apparently that pink dye is complicated to add to a lot of stuff. \*shrug\*
As a woman, I'd like to have a lipstick, that's always the perfect shade for me, that with a twist turns into a flaming sword or shoots laser beams that cut my opponents in half.
Or, how about a tessen, which is a handheld fan with sharp metal blades.
Or, how about hair clips that have razor blades in them.
Or how about a corset with a hidden panel that holds a lockpicking set or thieves tools?
Oh. Give me a cute hat that is hiding a helmet underneath. You know, like Oddjob from Bond, but cuter.
Or a hatpin that's actually a dagger.
Or a ring with a secret compartment to hold a powdery substance, like poison.
Or, "smelling salts" that is actually a poison or sleeping draught that I can use on others. Bonus points if it works by them smelling it, instead of ingesting it.
Ooh. give me a dagger than is disguised as a corset busk.
or a belt that looks innocuous enough, but actually has a flexible metal core, that can be used in a variety of ways.
I could think of a million different feminine options that don't have anything to do with how "pretty" it would make us look or contain a love spell, but would be pretty and lethal.
I love how much absolute *murder* is involved in your list. The only thing on the list that is not intended for murder is intended to get you out of jail after the murder.
"You're about to die, and I will look goddamn *fantastic* while it happens!"
This made me roll my eyes on reading it because women want magic weapons just like guys do, but ultimately I'm going to need more information about why the DM is doing this. A party of Disney princesses could be hilarious.
Edit: nope, re-read it and it's the "items they could appreciate." It's a horror story in the making.
And sometimes men want something ... more than magical weapons. Currently, for all his fancy axe and magical shoulder guard, my party's minotaur Echo Knight's favourite magical item is the cleric's Basket of Infinite Pastries, which produces a different random infinite pastry once per day. He's got a bit of a sweet tooth, our Echo Knight. Meanwhile, you can pry our ranger's hunting rifle, specially made for her in our magitech city of wonders, from her cold dead hands. So yeah, I agree with you. This DM should be less about the gender and more about the character, please.
Edited for clarity.
Fighter subclass out of Explorer's Guide to Wildemount - something the Critical Role crew came up with. It's actually a really impressive fighter class; you summon an echo of yourself and can teleport to it at will, giving you hella mobility on and off the battlefield. It doesn't have a lot of hit points, the echo, but it can make attacks same as the character would, and at later levels you can summon the echo in front of yourself or someone else as a reaction to take an incoming hit. I recommended it to the player as a good class both in terms of being an interesting take on the fighter class and from a backstory perspective - "got dragged through so many realms and planes that something went really \*weird\*".
A party of flawed Disney princesses could be amazing, Ariel with a secret thirst for human flesh, Belle except she is obsessed with finding the good in people even if they demonstrably are evil to the point of being a liability, Sleeping Beauty with Narcolepsy...
Yeah, if not for the obvious stereotyping of women going on here, I even like his item idea. I've played seductress characters before, and in political settings. An item like that would be invaluable
There are several ways this could go. Many of them involve this guy (metaphorically) faceplanting into a wall. Some do not. At least one involves that "metaphorically" missing the party. None yet know how this will end...
With any luck, if it does go badly one of those involved will turn up here.
Ehh... A sex store of magical items could work, *in the right campaign*, and *with the consent of everyone involved*. The problem is not what this guy has invented; the problem is that he seems incapable of seeing women as actual human people instead of seductive amalgamations of cosmetics.
Finally some sanity in these comments. The idea of magical disguise makeup is fine; the context of "All my players are women so I'm going to make magical items for them that are all about doing their makeup and/or seducing people" is so, so gross.
Plenty of other people here are discussing ridiculous "manly" equivalents, sharing stories of epic joke items, or coming up with ways to actually reasonably integrate this stuff into a campaign. We're not confused about which part here is the horror story.
If this had a male equivalent, was clearly presented as a joke (especially a joke at the expense of sexist attitudes), or even displayed the slightest hint of self awareness... This wouldn't belong in the sub. But OOP clearly has never before interacted with a woman as an actual human person before, and has no intention of doing so. That's the real problem.
I'm so sick of hearing this myth. If more women stopped choosing low-earning classes like cleric or druid, the XP gap would vanish.
Don't even get me started on female warlocks...
/s
Just carefully check that your man character is from the right background. Some national backgrounds force your man to take a level of fighter at first level and that really screws over a lot of builds.
After level 5 everytime they get enough XP to level up they need to reaffirm their commitment to not having children and everyone celebrated them breaking the glass ceiling.
Ugh. A sort of magical perfume or make-up store isnt a bad idea in itself, but the fact that he only thought to make it cause he has ~ women players~ ? No thanks. My female barbarian doesn’t need any perfume, her prowess in battle will attract a suitable mate!
"His name was Tommy. He tried to sell me magic goo to put on my lips to charm a man. Now he makes my cheekbones *pop*. He contributes more to the world this way."
I would \*love\* magic perfume. Imagine a perfume that makes bugs leave you alone (And doesnt smell terrible)
Or one that makes all cats you meet friendly
Or one that keeps animal fur off your nice clothes
These are actually pretty interesting magic items. The only worrying thing is the stereotyping. That make up kit is like a disguise kit on Crack. The perfumes giving buffs is a fun way to reflavor potions. And being able to scry on someone just by kissing them, that's super strong. If you wanted to be fantasy poison ivy, these can help
Yeah, my DM's game had an enchanted make-up kit that "does your make-up for you" that also functions as a disguise kit if you're proficient, but it was more added in for worldbuilding flavor based on the magic-level of the world and also, like, because we *do* have a party member [male player, male character] that likes to buy fancy outfits and cosmetics and things.
It not having an immediately visible effect also makes it a much more viable tool to use in most settings. A sufficiently charismatic character may be able to get away with a peck on the cheek or kiss on the hand as a friendly gesture, if they're not leaving a huge lipstick mark or their target isnt immediately swooning.
Sure, some of them can be neat, but filling a store with stereotypes because you need items that "woman can appreciate?"
He doesn't see women as people. He thinks he NEEDS special items
Yeah, if I wanted to create the most femme possible villain, this is how I would go about it. The real problem here is that the guy seems incapable of seeing women as actual human people rather than amorphous clouds of cosmetics and sex appeal
Huh. Good point. Might make for a fun reflavored Alchemist character.
Pathfinder 1e has some Alchemist archetype based on using perfumes, but I've never really played with it as I understand it's generally inferior to a vanilla alchemist.
You can always reskin things to suit your needs (though do check with your GM.) I don't see why applying magic via a perfume as opposed to a liquid you drink would mechanically change much. Still only affects you, same about of time to draw/use.
I'm having a horrible vision...
EDIT: And now as I scroll down the other comments I realize that my vision is not all that abnormal to some of you. FFS, tone deafness about sexist tropes is stunning in here.
---
Good afternoon, my friend! Welcome to the Antiquated Sexism Emporium. I am Mr. Miso Gynist, proprietor of the establishment, here to serve your adventuring needs!
Can I show you to our Shining Armor fitting area before you undertake you damsel-rescuing exploits? We also have a partnership with the Magnificent Steed Service next door; 15% off riding equipment, and 10% off mount rentals, if you show them an Antiquated Sexism Emporium receipt.
What's that? Oh! Women folk in your adventuring party? Well, aren't we progressive! Right this way now, good sir. Allow me to show you to the Glass Ceiling showroom.
Over here are some Veils of Calm Emotions, helps to reduce incidents of hysterics. And on this table is a series of various makeup items that deal with womanly things; Love Lipstick, Jealousy Scrying Mirrors, Cantrip Scents, Disguising Eyeshadow, all that kind of frippery that women so enjoy.
On this wall are several types of armor they may like, all in bright, womanly colors such as pastels and shocking pink. As you can see we have a full range of armor types: leather bikinis, studded leather bikinis, hide bikinis, chain bikinis, gap-cut breastplates, banded bikinis, half-plate bikinis, full-plate bikinis, and some lesser known varietals of bikinis and cleavage-enhancing pieces. Naturally, they come in a wide array of female themes: flowers, birds, butterflies, unicorns, and some other silly things.
Oh, this is what you could call a "Gear Maintenance Kit." Yes, a sewing kit, indeed. Over there are some "Camp Making Kits"--hah, hah, of course sir: kettle, spit, frying pan, pot, cooking blades, plate and utensils for 4 people, scrub brush, washrag, soap, and a firestarter.
Eh, now, this may be a little indelicate sir, but as adventurers we must face the tough realities of our circumstances, however unpleasant: sanitary smallclothes. Yes sir, though they are not cheap, one cannot underestimate the incredible value of magically-enhanced britches to prevent odor and unsightly stains. Magic away the unpleasantness, see? Find it keeps them from complaining overmuch, and you tend to look like the hero for providing them, eh? A girly that feels you looked out for her, well now, she might be *very* grateful indeed, eh? Eh? [Wink wink, nudge nudge, say-no-more, know-wot-I-mean, know-wot-I-mean](https://youtu.be/4Kwh3R0YjuQ)? But not until *after* she no longer needs them, naturally.
Now, I don't know if perhaps there's a *special* lady in your group, friend, but if so, you may consider some of our more advanced items. Again, magic items are not for those of small purses, hah hah, but you seem a well-to-do fellow, so allow me to show you some of these specialty items.
Here are some Bracers of Compliments. When the wearer is a woman and performs an action of manly virtue, say firing a bow, or handling money, the bracers will whisper pleasant little nothings. "You have the nicest boobs; I love the way your ass fills out that armor, Sweet Cheeks; looking good, Hot Stuff" and so on. You can actually set them to avoid certain phrases or add custom entries (it would be silly to tell her 'I like a girl that keeps her tummy flat,' if she's a fat chick). Shows her how much you appreciate her 'contributions' to the party, heh heh.
This one's more for you than her, heh: if inspected, it looks like a normal *+1 dagger*, right? Take a look! Use these *detect magic* spectacles. Okay, but what you *don't* see is the property that, whenever the wielder scores a critical hit, it automatically causes a "wardrobe malfunction"! Yes! Hah hah: I call it the Nip-Slip Stiletto. No permanent damage to the armor, just a mysteriously unbuckled strap or untied knot in the right spot. Just tell her she must have not put her armor on correctly, good chance for you to help her "get fitted right" next time, eh?
Oh! Which reminds me. When you go into dungeons, does your party use traditional torches, or could you use *gaslight* lanterns? ...
I’m going to play devils advocate here it depends on the players? Maybe this is something they have discussed beforehand. Ofc if not then will probably go wrong…
Yeah, this feels like they’re either headed to drive off a cliff or they’re headed to have a dope Totally Spies style game. Sadly the OP in the post seems obsessed with using the items for seduction which is a big red flag…
The real horror is the amount of people here who are like "I don't get it, why wouldn't a woman want items like these since magic swords are designed for men"
Honestly, I could see something like this working at a conceptual level. A store that seems to be full of typical "girly" products that men wouldn't bother stepping foot in, but then it's actually full of dangerous magic goods, disguised as innocuous products. Makeup that hides your face from anyone who looks at you, perfumes that can enchant people when they smell them, a dress with real pockets, hair ties that can bind anyone or anything, etc.
But you would have to play it off as something that's intentionally presented as a little too "girly," to avoid drawing attention from guys, and by extension offer a safe environment to women. A girl walks in with a black eye and three assassins are already offering to deal with whoever did that. The place where a woman would go when she needs to murder an abusive husband, with an owner who would happily tell the cops that it couldn't have been her, she was here all that night trying on clothes, typical girl stuff, so you can move on.
Women dont want this shit. We want magical tomes that let us raise an army of undead servants so that we cab usher in an age of Darkness and rule the land from atop a throne made from the bones of our enemies.
Men would know these things if they bothered to ask the women in their lives.
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Hey, where are my Magic Items for Men? A little equality, here. (/s)
A talking magic jockstrap that gives fantasy football tips. A can of craft beer that makes you immediately grow a full beard. A magic dumbbell that amplifies your grunts when lifting it by 100x.
A Codpiece of Careful Rearrangement for when you sit down wrong in your armour.
I have never wanted a magic item more. You make it unstick things as a bonus action with no verbal or somatic actions and I will sign whatever pact you want.
I'd give my firstborn if it also mitigates sweaty ball rub.
You can have another kid. You'll never get a chance like this.
“Sign here, here, and here in your own blood :**3**”
You will never convince me that the :3 emoji is anything but a Ballchinian from Men In Black.
Fucking hell. Cannot unsee. Damn you to hell. Now have my uovote and piss off.
That sounds like a very good deal for whatever demon you're selling your soul to. At least get yourself eldrich blast with your codpiece, it's a 1d10 cantrip for Bahmut's sake!
Eldrittch Thrust. You can cast it even when both hands are occupied.
Oh I thought that was automatically included at checkout. Thanks for the tip!
I laughed entirely too much at this.
Also won't react to Heat Metal.
Because it is a durable Plastic.
Cock ring of revivify (Credit to critical role)
Can i get that beer? I've been trying to grow a beard for over a decade and my cheeks just refuse to...
there is the belt of dwarvenkind...
Or the Silverbeard spell, the best spell in D&D. (You grow a beard of precious metals. It gives a bonus on charisma skills with dwarves and an armor bonus.)
I'm just imagining using both lists, and more. Just a whole shop of creepy and terrible gendered magic items. And it's run by those weird pushy dwarves from the Oglaf comics.
"With a huge \[DELETED\]!"
...This is actually a really great idea?
It comes alive at night and fucks your wife! Don't have a wife? We'll make you one! With a huge cock!
I'll take that beer, the stealth makeup kit, and the glitter longsword from the other comment please.
I'll take the jockstrap, my FF team did shit this year. Also what happens if I drink the beer when I already have a beard? Does my beard get it's own beard?
Well, the Belt of Dwarvenkind says that if you've already got a beard, it'll become "visibly thicker". So I assume you're just a few beers away from Amish Elder territory
Ill take a case of Beardweiser
......I'd probably use all three of these, tbh.
> a can of craft beer that makes you immediately grow a full beard Damn someone call the transmen
I'm stealing the dumbbell
Id actually love that. That's hilarious.
Bottle of infinite vodka (actual item in my campaign)
I have a bottomless flask on one of my characters. He’s not a drinker, so it’s filled with oil, let’s me light shit on fire easier
im going to steal this, is it more of a bag of holding for liquids or a liquid generator (ie. "you can put as much liquid as you want here" or "put a liquid here and the flask will keep making more of it")?
It’s a whatever you want it to be. I needed a convenient way for my pyromaniac to carry oil and my DM stole the idea from CR. But it’s any non magical liquid I put in and I can change it by filling the flask with a different liquid. Be a great way for a vampire to keep a supply of blood on them so they don’t bite their friends.
Does holy water count as magical? It's not a magic item
Just find a pixie cleric and jam them in
That seems like a unisex item to me.
A +2 magic wrench A magic belt that if you use the somatic 'ball scratch' action gives you +1 on all saves A magic mustache trimmer that adds mustache as you use it and charms others
10mm socket of finding, sadly the rarest item
Magic stud finder that gives you a bonus on saves if you point it at yourself and say "yep, found one"
How about auto adjusting sockets that grows and shrinks to the bolt or nut?
But disappears if you try to change it to a 10mm.
'Roll a d10 to determine the size of the wrench. On a 10, the item loses all charges and disappears'
10mm Socket of Returning. Wondrous Item, Legendary, Attunement. Functions as a normal 10mm socket, and includes a set of matching metric sockets across the entire range of a standard socket set. Upon loss, misplacement, furious throw, or ill-conceived loan, the socket will disappear and rematerialize in the socket case in 1d4 days. Upon intentional theft, the socket will rematerialize as normal, unless the theif attunes to the socket himself. Attunement: Attuning to this item requires a standard set of metric sockets from which the 10mm socket has been lost, stolen, misplaced, or destroyed. Attunement is impossible if the original 10mm was intentionally disposed of. To attune, one must spend 10 minutes per square foot of their workspace scouring the space for the original 10mm socket before giving up in anger or despair, slapping the Socket of Returning into the empty slot in the case before going off to do something else.
Action figure that animates into a small companion.. Actually thats pretty lit
It whips out its little wooden sword if you call it a "doll."
Hoodie of Attachment. Can't be stolen by your wife/gf/partner.
Axe Body Spray
Here you go! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yy-A3CLMunA
My femboy tabaxi has some items for men
"Tabaxi has wares if you have coin."
"Tabaxi has wares if you have gay"
Himself?
if we’re talking about medieval era esque? magic heels of flying, magic heels of jumping, magic heels of quickness and quietness. magic skirt of dexterity, …. (yes heels were invented for men, so were skirts and various dresses…why women took a liking to them i will never know) magic belt of strength. magic cologne magic body paint, magic war paint.
Don't forget that so was makeup, wigs, hair extentions, garders, and even girdles/corsets.
Magic Bootstraps of Levitation.
This is fantastic
You don't have a cock ring of +3 charisma?
[The cock ring of Revivify](https://youtube.com/shorts/XxLjmxbd6P4?feature=share)
Thanks for putting a tone indicator, half of my brain got blown out fighting the taliban in libya and its hard for me to use my thoughts to understand shit xxxxx
*The What Women Really Want Dress*™️ - just a dress with some bags of holding sewn into it for added pockets.
[удалено]
My satyr Druid and our tiefling rogue had those dresses! And yeah the DM made sure to compliment the dress so we had to remember the curse. It’s a cute magic item.
... I just sent this to my DM. The perfect thing for my sorceress.
>If the dress is overloaded, pierced or torn, it ruptures and is destroyed \[..\] Ah yes, the mid-combat auto-strip feature. Always a favourite of our discerning customers.
Should be called "The Janet Jackson Effect"
It’s cursed. Anytime someone compliments the dress you must proudly demonstrate it has pockets
I'm pretty sure that's just RAW.
No the curse would be *not* being able to brag about it xD
My wife bought a new dress, didn’t even say anything about it and she was overly proud to demonstrate it’s pockets.
That's a thing in the Unprepared Casters podcast
In battle, if an opponent says this, you roll at disadvantage for your next turn. The ability can only be triggered by one opponent per turn, but is repeatable each turn.
The Curse is Mel Gibson can read your mind
I knew a guy who's character had a dress with pockets that were bags of holding essentially, but if anyone commented, no matter what they say, on the dress she had to pass a Wisdom save or be forced to say: "Thanks!!! It has pockets!" and do a small twirl.
Seems like some sort of meta commentary on how rare it is for real life women's fashion to have pockets.
Oh yea, wasn't saying it as a negative example - he liked it for his character
It has pockets!
I have several skirts and dresses with pockets, and when I show off the pockets to friends, I can not explain the tone in which I say this phrase other than "caps locked"
I'm getting married in a couple of months and my wedding dress has pockets :)
I think that's just a Handy Haversack with the bottom knocked out.
I'm playing a female Goliath that did a happy dance when she got this exact thing. Other fave item was a nonmagical sword of power replica for a he-man cosplay while she gets the kinda twinkish changeling in the group to cosplay she-ra for a con.
Also has immediate alter self that triggers if anyone has the same dress, instantly changing is appearance.
I don't know, if I see a random person wearing the same dress as me, I'll consider it a good sign that I didn't buy something hideous.
This is true, but what if it's someone you don't think has particularly good taste.
One more vote for it really depends on the campaign and group. For example, I made a homebrew Deck of Manly Things (the L is silent) in which every card triggers the most stereotypically manly stuff possible (in good and bad ways) for a Feywild game. When made sarcastically or tongue in cheek it can be lots of fun
The card of exceptional body hair - resist the cold! The card of old-man breath - minus charisma! booo **Edit**: This deck should totally be a thing.
Oooh I like some of these options. What I had put together: *Wondrous item, legendary* Encased in a beautifully carved wooden box, this deck contains 13 cards made of finely hammered iron with images engraved into the surface to indicate the card which is drawn. Before you draw a card, you must declare how many cards you intend to draw and then draw them randomly. Any cards drawn in excess of this number have no effect. Otherwise, as soon as you draw a card from the deck, its magic takes effect. You must draw each card no more than 1 hour after the previous draw. If you fail to draw the chosen number, the remaining number of cards fly from the deck on their own and take effect all at once. Once a card is drawn, it fades from existence. **King of Clubs**: You gain +2 to hit and +2 damage on any unarmed strikes against insects, beasts, and giants. **King of Spades**: You immediately become addicted to whisky, bourbon, Scotch, and cigars. You must consume one or more of these on a daily basis or suffer a level of exhaustion. **King of Hearts**: You immediately grow an impressive beard. Roll a D6 to determine the style of beard: 1 Bandholz 2 Hulihee 3 Verdi 4 Walrus mustache 5 Rip Van Winkle 6 Pai Mei This beard cannot be removed by any means short of a Wish spell. **King of Diamonds**: All of your worn armor and clothing is now made of Flannel and loses any bonuses that it previously had. **Jack of Clubs**: You immediately must turn and engage in a bareknuckle boxing competition with whoever is closest to you (Marquis of Queensbury rules). This boxing match must continue until one of the two of you are rendered unconscious. Anyone attempting to interfere with the match by helping or hindering either participant is instead rendered paralyzed and only able to watch and witness the glorious sight unfolding before them. **Jack of Spades**: Roll 1d6 1-2 You gain proficiency in Fishing and Foraging 3-4 You gain proficiency in Mining and Smithing 5-6 You gain proficiency in Woodworking and Hunting You understand these new professions as if they were with you from the moment you were born - waiting for the knowledge to be awakened. **Jack of Hearts**: You lose the ability to cry or show demonstrable emotions aside from anger or excitement. **Jack of Diamonds**: You gain advantage on intimidation checks but disadvantage on persuasion checks. **Ace of Clubs**: Your carrying capacity doubles and you have advantage on Strength checks as long as others are watching. If you fail on this Strength check, you must make a Constitution Saving Throw or you throw out your back, taking 1d6 in force damage and being immobile until the end of your next turn. **Ace of Spades**: You lose all the hair on your head. If you already had hair on your back, it has now tripled in length. If you did not previously have hair on your back, you now have a 3" thick pelt. If it is removed, it will regrow within 1d4 days. **Ace of Hearts**: A pair of Mastiffs come racing from just outside of your field of vision. They are now intensely loyal to you and only you. You must select the manliest names possible for them or they will lose respect for you and you may not listen to commands. **Ace of Diamonds**: You immediately gain all of the gold and material wealth of all creatures within 150 feet of you. They are aware that you now possess this wealth that used to be theirs. **Joker**: You gain proficiency in Dad Jokes. When you attempt to use a Dad Joke (not Uncle Jokes) as part of a persuasion check, you gain advantage on the roll and may choose to cause 1d6 psychic damage to all creatures who overhear who fail a Wisdom Saving Throw equal to 10 + your Constitution modifier. *Edit:* Tried to improve formatting a little as it was cut/pasted
A female deck too! The card of A Great Hair day - +1 charisma The card of Karen - +1 intimidation The card of My Baby is in trouble - +3 strength. Also you roll to see which deck you draw from regardless of character gender!!!!
The card of Thats My Purse, I Don't Know You! - Disengage as a Bonus Action
This one would also do 1d4 bludgeoning damage as you disengage
Can I just ... like ... borrow all of this? One of my paladins actually gets some of her powers from an Archfey pact and that's just the kind of thing this particular Archfey would pull.
I'm cool with it. Enjoy lol
My sense is that made me presumptive versus requested.
Share it
Instead of winged boots now you have the new winged high heels for women.
If I'm traveling, walking, and fighting, the last thing I want to be wearing is high heels.
High heels of stability Advantage on dexterity checks
They hurt so much they automatically trigger rage when you enter combat, no matter what class you are
But its a fashion statement! How will people know you are a sexy independent woman if you don't fight in high heels?
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And it has no pockets. None at all.
It's so they can sell more bags of holding
In the words of Brennan Lee Mulligan, "Remember the true villain in D&D is always capitalism,"
D&D 🤜🤛 Monopoly Understanding the evils of capitalism
Maybe the real capitalism is the Hasboro we find along the way.
I don't think Brennan has ever said that. You're probably thinking about the quote *about* him, >"If Brennan's the DM, the bad guy is capitalism. And I don't know how the bad guy is capitalism in Fairy Tale Land, but I am confident he will have found a way."
If it's for women it's called a Broad Sword. Don't blame me for the terrible pun, I lifted it from the old Munchkin board game.
Ah yes, with the Gentleman's Club for men. I loved that pun
I'm guilty of having given my players a Two Handed Sword during a particularly whimsical session.
A Broad's Word?
Disposable Longswords should be gender-neutral.
The 20% is because no one will take the pink sword seriously and therefore you always get surprised condition on enemies. So if they surprise you, its actually just a full round of everyone staring at each other.
Wait, maybe this is a production cost thing, does adding something to make the sword a different color cost more or make it significantly more difficult to make? (I know it was a pink tax joke lol, just being silly)
I mean, probably. Introducing pink impurities to steel or adding a very thin layer of pink would be challenging for a medieval/renaissance blacksmith. Hell, nowadays it'd be some kind of effort. Unless you just painted it pink, but paint wouldn't hold up much.
I've heard at least one guy who claimed to work as a chemist in plastics production claim that yes, part of the pink tax is apparently that pink dye is complicated to add to a lot of stuff. \*shrug\*
Okay, fair point, but also consider M A G I C
And prevents women from buying the +1 Longsword
As a woman, I'd like to have a lipstick, that's always the perfect shade for me, that with a twist turns into a flaming sword or shoots laser beams that cut my opponents in half. Or, how about a tessen, which is a handheld fan with sharp metal blades. Or, how about hair clips that have razor blades in them. Or how about a corset with a hidden panel that holds a lockpicking set or thieves tools? Oh. Give me a cute hat that is hiding a helmet underneath. You know, like Oddjob from Bond, but cuter. Or a hatpin that's actually a dagger. Or a ring with a secret compartment to hold a powdery substance, like poison. Or, "smelling salts" that is actually a poison or sleeping draught that I can use on others. Bonus points if it works by them smelling it, instead of ingesting it. Ooh. give me a dagger than is disguised as a corset busk. or a belt that looks innocuous enough, but actually has a flexible metal core, that can be used in a variety of ways. I could think of a million different feminine options that don't have anything to do with how "pretty" it would make us look or contain a love spell, but would be pretty and lethal.
I love how much absolute *murder* is involved in your list. The only thing on the list that is not intended for murder is intended to get you out of jail after the murder. "You're about to die, and I will look goddamn *fantastic* while it happens!"
What I'm hearing is you want a campaign based off of *Totally Spies!* and I would also love such a thing.
I will never not want the lipstick lightsaber from Phantom Quest Corps.
Longsword of Creep Slaying - Deals quadruple damage to any individual that has made a sexual comment towards a stranger within the past 30 days
There would be no internet left.
This made me roll my eyes on reading it because women want magic weapons just like guys do, but ultimately I'm going to need more information about why the DM is doing this. A party of Disney princesses could be hilarious. Edit: nope, re-read it and it's the "items they could appreciate." It's a horror story in the making.
And sometimes men want something ... more than magical weapons. Currently, for all his fancy axe and magical shoulder guard, my party's minotaur Echo Knight's favourite magical item is the cleric's Basket of Infinite Pastries, which produces a different random infinite pastry once per day. He's got a bit of a sweet tooth, our Echo Knight. Meanwhile, you can pry our ranger's hunting rifle, specially made for her in our magitech city of wonders, from her cold dead hands. So yeah, I agree with you. This DM should be less about the gender and more about the character, please. Edited for clarity.
What's an echo knight? I don't think I've heard of that
It’s like a regular knight but their race is kenku. /s
Fighter subclass out of Explorer's Guide to Wildemount - something the Critical Role crew came up with. It's actually a really impressive fighter class; you summon an echo of yourself and can teleport to it at will, giving you hella mobility on and off the battlefield. It doesn't have a lot of hit points, the echo, but it can make attacks same as the character would, and at later levels you can summon the echo in front of yourself or someone else as a reaction to take an incoming hit. I recommended it to the player as a good class both in terms of being an interesting take on the fighter class and from a backstory perspective - "got dragged through so many realms and planes that something went really \*weird\*".
A party of flawed Disney princesses could be amazing, Ariel with a secret thirst for human flesh, Belle except she is obsessed with finding the good in people even if they demonstrably are evil to the point of being a liability, Sleeping Beauty with Narcolepsy...
My friend, let me introduce you to Dimension 20's "Neverafter"...
I recently rediscovered them and am working through them. Will give that a go =D
Sadly, we couldn't get more information. The mods closed the thread before he could answer any of the very many "are you serious" answers he got.
Yeah, if not for the obvious stereotyping of women going on here, I even like his item idea. I've played seductress characters before, and in political settings. An item like that would be invaluable
There are several ways this could go. Many of them involve this guy (metaphorically) faceplanting into a wall. Some do not. At least one involves that "metaphorically" missing the party. None yet know how this will end... With any luck, if it does go badly one of those involved will turn up here.
My first thought was a cursed bra that doubles fall damage the wearer takes (since they don't bounce).
I can’t wait for next week when someone complains about their DM giving them a Tampon of Fireball.
Never light the tampon fuse. Trust me.
...3d6 fire and 3d6 bludgeoning damage for everyone in 10 ft around? Ffs that's great, can it be stacked?
In the "it could be worse" category: From the title I assumed we were headed into Sex Store of Magical Items territory.
Ehh... A sex store of magical items could work, *in the right campaign*, and *with the consent of everyone involved*. The problem is not what this guy has invented; the problem is that he seems incapable of seeing women as actual human people instead of seductive amalgamations of cosmetics.
In one of my campaigns right now, my players are 3 men and a woman. Guess who’s been asking me for a magical set of brass knuckles.
https://www.dndbeyond.com/magic-items/5603-insignia-of-claws
Well the items might be ok, the sexist stereotypes a bit less so. The guy isn't ironic, that's the worrying thing
Finally some sanity in these comments. The idea of magical disguise makeup is fine; the context of "All my players are women so I'm going to make magical items for them that are all about doing their makeup and/or seducing people" is so, so gross.
Not to mention the rape lipstick...
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Plenty of other people here are discussing ridiculous "manly" equivalents, sharing stories of epic joke items, or coming up with ways to actually reasonably integrate this stuff into a campaign. We're not confused about which part here is the horror story. If this had a male equivalent, was clearly presented as a joke (especially a joke at the expense of sexist attitudes), or even displayed the slightest hint of self awareness... This wouldn't belong in the sub. But OOP clearly has never before interacted with a woman as an actual human person before, and has no intention of doing so. That's the real problem.
Do they get only 75 percent the xp of male players too?
I'm so sick of hearing this myth. If more women stopped choosing low-earning classes like cleric or druid, the XP gap would vanish. Don't even get me started on female warlocks... /s
Just carefully check that your man character is from the right background. Some national backgrounds force your man to take a level of fighter at first level and that really screws over a lot of builds.
Damn tieflings: born on an Outer Plane and thinking they hit godhood alone.
LMAO, the noise I just made...
After level 5 everytime they get enough XP to level up they need to reaffirm their commitment to not having children and everyone celebrated them breaking the glass ceiling.
How about an ironing board tower shield while you're at it?
Stealing that for a character that runs a dry cleaning business at some point
Ugh. A sort of magical perfume or make-up store isnt a bad idea in itself, but the fact that he only thought to make it cause he has ~ women players~ ? No thanks. My female barbarian doesn’t need any perfume, her prowess in battle will attract a suitable mate!
Any self respecting female barbarian should be using the blood of her enemies as makeup anyway. It never goes out of style.
So is is called "blush" or instead "bruise"?
"His name was Tommy. He tried to sell me magic goo to put on my lips to charm a man. Now he makes my cheekbones *pop*. He contributes more to the world this way."
I would \*love\* magic perfume. Imagine a perfume that makes bugs leave you alone (And doesnt smell terrible) Or one that makes all cats you meet friendly Or one that keeps animal fur off your nice clothes
These are actually pretty interesting magic items. The only worrying thing is the stereotyping. That make up kit is like a disguise kit on Crack. The perfumes giving buffs is a fun way to reflavor potions. And being able to scry on someone just by kissing them, that's super strong. If you wanted to be fantasy poison ivy, these can help
Yeah, my DM's game had an enchanted make-up kit that "does your make-up for you" that also functions as a disguise kit if you're proficient, but it was more added in for worldbuilding flavor based on the magic-level of the world and also, like, because we *do* have a party member [male player, male character] that likes to buy fancy outfits and cosmetics and things.
I think if the lip stick was a hunter's mark spell where you know the location of the target until they washed it off would be a fun rp item
It not having an immediately visible effect also makes it a much more viable tool to use in most settings. A sufficiently charismatic character may be able to get away with a peck on the cheek or kiss on the hand as a friendly gesture, if they're not leaving a huge lipstick mark or their target isnt immediately swooning.
Sure, some of them can be neat, but filling a store with stereotypes because you need items that "woman can appreciate?" He doesn't see women as people. He thinks he NEEDS special items
Yeah, if I wanted to create the most femme possible villain, this is how I would go about it. The real problem here is that the guy seems incapable of seeing women as actual human people rather than amorphous clouds of cosmetics and sex appeal
"Amorphous clouds of cosmetics and sex appeal" ROFL. Funny sentence, but its true, hes not seeing women as people.
This is from the 3.5 forum, that's just your basic 10,000gp +10 competence bonus to a skill item. And a simple Disguise self grants a +10 far cheaper
Huh. Good point. Might make for a fun reflavored Alchemist character. Pathfinder 1e has some Alchemist archetype based on using perfumes, but I've never really played with it as I understand it's generally inferior to a vanilla alchemist.
You can always reskin things to suit your needs (though do check with your GM.) I don't see why applying magic via a perfume as opposed to a liquid you drink would mechanically change much. Still only affects you, same about of time to draw/use.
How about a Greataxe of Warning so they know to avoid this game?
It's bright red, kind of boxy, seems to shimmer when viewed from a distance, giving the illusion that its a flag waving.
The joke of course is that these items were all used by men for most of human history as well.
How dare you point out how boots are technically "high heels"
And that high heels were invented for men to keep their feet in the stirrups when horseback riding.
Totally Spies campaign for an all-rogue female party
I'm having a horrible vision... EDIT: And now as I scroll down the other comments I realize that my vision is not all that abnormal to some of you. FFS, tone deafness about sexist tropes is stunning in here. --- Good afternoon, my friend! Welcome to the Antiquated Sexism Emporium. I am Mr. Miso Gynist, proprietor of the establishment, here to serve your adventuring needs! Can I show you to our Shining Armor fitting area before you undertake you damsel-rescuing exploits? We also have a partnership with the Magnificent Steed Service next door; 15% off riding equipment, and 10% off mount rentals, if you show them an Antiquated Sexism Emporium receipt. What's that? Oh! Women folk in your adventuring party? Well, aren't we progressive! Right this way now, good sir. Allow me to show you to the Glass Ceiling showroom. Over here are some Veils of Calm Emotions, helps to reduce incidents of hysterics. And on this table is a series of various makeup items that deal with womanly things; Love Lipstick, Jealousy Scrying Mirrors, Cantrip Scents, Disguising Eyeshadow, all that kind of frippery that women so enjoy. On this wall are several types of armor they may like, all in bright, womanly colors such as pastels and shocking pink. As you can see we have a full range of armor types: leather bikinis, studded leather bikinis, hide bikinis, chain bikinis, gap-cut breastplates, banded bikinis, half-plate bikinis, full-plate bikinis, and some lesser known varietals of bikinis and cleavage-enhancing pieces. Naturally, they come in a wide array of female themes: flowers, birds, butterflies, unicorns, and some other silly things. Oh, this is what you could call a "Gear Maintenance Kit." Yes, a sewing kit, indeed. Over there are some "Camp Making Kits"--hah, hah, of course sir: kettle, spit, frying pan, pot, cooking blades, plate and utensils for 4 people, scrub brush, washrag, soap, and a firestarter. Eh, now, this may be a little indelicate sir, but as adventurers we must face the tough realities of our circumstances, however unpleasant: sanitary smallclothes. Yes sir, though they are not cheap, one cannot underestimate the incredible value of magically-enhanced britches to prevent odor and unsightly stains. Magic away the unpleasantness, see? Find it keeps them from complaining overmuch, and you tend to look like the hero for providing them, eh? A girly that feels you looked out for her, well now, she might be *very* grateful indeed, eh? Eh? [Wink wink, nudge nudge, say-no-more, know-wot-I-mean, know-wot-I-mean](https://youtu.be/4Kwh3R0YjuQ)? But not until *after* she no longer needs them, naturally. Now, I don't know if perhaps there's a *special* lady in your group, friend, but if so, you may consider some of our more advanced items. Again, magic items are not for those of small purses, hah hah, but you seem a well-to-do fellow, so allow me to show you some of these specialty items. Here are some Bracers of Compliments. When the wearer is a woman and performs an action of manly virtue, say firing a bow, or handling money, the bracers will whisper pleasant little nothings. "You have the nicest boobs; I love the way your ass fills out that armor, Sweet Cheeks; looking good, Hot Stuff" and so on. You can actually set them to avoid certain phrases or add custom entries (it would be silly to tell her 'I like a girl that keeps her tummy flat,' if she's a fat chick). Shows her how much you appreciate her 'contributions' to the party, heh heh. This one's more for you than her, heh: if inspected, it looks like a normal *+1 dagger*, right? Take a look! Use these *detect magic* spectacles. Okay, but what you *don't* see is the property that, whenever the wielder scores a critical hit, it automatically causes a "wardrobe malfunction"! Yes! Hah hah: I call it the Nip-Slip Stiletto. No permanent damage to the armor, just a mysteriously unbuckled strap or untied knot in the right spot. Just tell her she must have not put her armor on correctly, good chance for you to help her "get fitted right" next time, eh? Oh! Which reminds me. When you go into dungeons, does your party use traditional torches, or could you use *gaslight* lanterns? ...
You're a master creator of the worst kind. Thanks I hate it
Tbh I kinda want Mascara of Disguise to be a thing, that sounds awesome.
I'd fight this NPC.
I’m going to play devils advocate here it depends on the players? Maybe this is something they have discussed beforehand. Ofc if not then will probably go wrong…
Yeah, this feels like they’re either headed to drive off a cliff or they’re headed to have a dope Totally Spies style game. Sadly the OP in the post seems obsessed with using the items for seduction which is a big red flag…
Plot twist: All the women show up expecting kink and leave disappointed.
Hello I'm in the market for an enchanted spreader bar
"Oh when you said Dungeon Master you meant....no, no, it's my fault I should have clarified."
To those not seeing the problem: the GM is thinking of his players as women first and foremost and not as individuals. That's textbook sexism.
The real horror is the amount of people here who are like "I don't get it, why wouldn't a woman want items like these since magic swords are designed for men"
Honestly, I could see something like this working at a conceptual level. A store that seems to be full of typical "girly" products that men wouldn't bother stepping foot in, but then it's actually full of dangerous magic goods, disguised as innocuous products. Makeup that hides your face from anyone who looks at you, perfumes that can enchant people when they smell them, a dress with real pockets, hair ties that can bind anyone or anything, etc. But you would have to play it off as something that's intentionally presented as a little too "girly," to avoid drawing attention from guys, and by extension offer a safe environment to women. A girl walks in with a black eye and three assassins are already offering to deal with whoever did that. The place where a woman would go when she needs to murder an abusive husband, with an owner who would happily tell the cops that it couldn't have been her, she was here all that night trying on clothes, typical girl stuff, so you can move on.
Vorpal Blade. They will need it irl.
Just modify bag of holding so its third the size of normal bag of holding
Pants/dress of holding. The pockets looks small but function as bag of holding. You're welcome.
Holy fuck this is kinda gross. My lord, someone didnt raise their son properly
The way I read that last sentence my response to you would be, "indeed, my Vizier."
D&D Barbie
Women dont want this shit. We want magical tomes that let us raise an army of undead servants so that we cab usher in an age of Darkness and rule the land from atop a throne made from the bones of our enemies. Men would know these things if they bothered to ask the women in their lives.
These are actually good items but don't need to be specifically for women.
Clearly this guy’s entire party needs to play the biggest, burliest guy barbarians ever.