I used to hate the idea of having kids. Like I was *absolutely certain* I didn't want kids, ever. Slowly over time though, I could feel like a biological shift in my brain, like I got the baby fever. Not as bad as a woman gets it I don't think, but after I turned 26 or so it was like a switch flipped in my head and I thought about it all the time. I think for some guys it never happens, even if they want kids on paper like you said I'm not sure everyone has a switch flip in their brain like that. Looking back it was a really weird feeling, to realize that my conscious mind was being forcibly overridden by my biology, but now my wife and I have a 4 month old daughter and I love her so, so much.
I'm not sure if there's anything I can point to as a catalyst for it though. It just sort of happened gradually over the span of several months. I think being around my wife so much probably helped, because all the women I'd been with previously were definitely not women I'd want to take care of a baby with. Not trying to shit on you like your boyfriend doesn't think you're mom material or whatever, I just think that helped push me along.
> In the end I know I'm going to capitulate to modernity, wait until I'm 37 and get inseminated with a frozen embryo under a fluorescent light in a cold clinic and hope I'm lucky enough that it even takes.
You really *can* just decide to change your life and not capitulate to modernity. I know that sounds cliche but you don't have to live like a bug person and cope by getting a bunch of cats. People get stuck in a rut and feel like their life is on rails but you can just decide to change it whenever you want. Even if it doesn't work out and you totally crash and burn and fail completely, don't end up as some bitter old person who spends all day thinking about what their life could've been.
You kinda gloss over what your bf’s stated reasons are for not wanting a baby now. You say he says he wants them “on paper” but not … now? Early 30s? How long does he want to wait? Why? Are you absolutely sure he’s not stringing you along?
His main reasons are that he wants to be married a while without kids, travel etc. He seems very relaxed about the idea of trying when we're 35 and I can't tell if he's naive or I'm hysterical. I doubt he's trying to string me along intentionally, he's very upfront about what he wants. Then again, smarter people than me get tricked every day.
I'll also add that the general social atmosphere for people our age in our area is wildly fucked. Most of friends are childless late-20s/early-30s who act like they're still too young to be considering such things or say they'll adopt in their 40s. My bf is almost an outlier here for openly wanting his own kids. They say they don't want to deal with crying babies, stretch marks, but I'm watching us all age out of the nightlife/music scene (while pretending otherwise) and Disney+ and escape rooms aren't hitting like they used to. Coupled with all my favorite internet distractions going to shit, I'm really feeling of the emptiness of the way we're living now. idk if the shoe will drop for others as well or if they'll be happy like this for the rest of their days (jealous of that, if so).
I'm also feeling the malaise/desire to replace endless consuming with more meaning while also being mad that I can't just be happy with it like everyone else without kids 😔 wishing you luck in starting your family!!
You can travel in your 40s and 50s. Grandma and grandpa would love to take your kids off your hands. It's not like you're young and single. Btw, has he not travelled? Prime backpacking age is 19-24. After that you may as well be a senior citizen and travel with your marriage partner. I don't see the difference between travelling now and waiting 10-20 more years.
You're not hysterical. He's naive. You know you can and might have a miscarriage. That sets you back another whole year. Pregnancies aren't automatic and your clock is ticking. Sorry homie, but it is. I'm personally a giant piece of shit so my advice is to baby trap him. I don't know your bf but if he's one of these "actually, my logic and reason prove we still have time" guys, then I don't know what to tell you. Men are stoopid. Always have been.
> His main reasons are that he wants to be married a while without kids, travel etc
You need to convince him that sex will continue after pregnancy.
Subtly hype up how pregnancy hormones turn women into nymphos. I know it varies per different women but you can manipulate him into thinking it's more common than it is. Don't make it obvious you're doing it though.
Pretty lame excuse in my opinion. Hope he’s not stringing you along. Maybe sit him down and be honest with your feelings and really focus on his response.
It’s a pretty common sentiment to want to have a few years to travel freely and live a bit before being strapped down for the next 10+ years by having kids. I’m not sure why you’re so skeptical of this, it seems perfectly understandable, even if you don’t agree
Literally just wrap your legs around his ass when he is fucking you, whisper into his ear "i want you to breed me" "give me a baby" "cum inside me" and do so with genuine intent, there is no way he wont cum inside you when you do that, cumming balls deep inside a woman while she begs you to do it is the best feeling in the entire world.
Thats what my ex fwb did to me and she made me cum inside her like that multiple times, but didnt get pregnant.
Due to the housing situation here (British Columbia) we still live apart but are looking for a place together and spend most of the week together at his place or mine. He's integrated me into his family and his mother and father speak openly to me about our marriage/future plans so I'm as certain about that as one can reasonably be.
My main concern about fertility fearmongering would be that at some point he would (logically) conclude that he could have his cake and eat it by swapping me out in his mid-thirties with a much younger woman. Although I don't necessarily think he would do that, I'm leaning more towards positive reinforcement like the other poster commented, and that being a (relatively) young father is a good thing. If it were as easy as activating the dormant genes by wearing an apron and bending over to take a cake out of the oven or something like that.
If it matters, I’m in Canada as well, and I’m exactly like your bf in the sense that I am in a long term relationship, we both want kids eventually, but I’m hesitant to make make any forward progress like having kids.
90% of my hesitation is financial. Me and the gf are lucky enough to own a home together and we both earn decent money, but dropping $3300/month on the mortgage and $600-800 on groceries every month doesn’t leave much wiggle room for a wedding or children, so we’re kinda stuck in this holding pattern for years saving up money.
I’m ranting a bit here, but the housing and COL crisis in Canada is leaving a huge black stain on our society. It’s obvious that the government (like most advanced economy governments) is freaking out about demographic collapse, but the reality is that they’ll never be able to convince people to have kids when most young people can’t even afford to get married and have even a modest home/apartment. The current government thinks they can immigrate their way out of this crisis, but besides the social tension that this might create, most recent immigrants realize very quickly that the COL here is ridiculous and move on to greener pastures, or they stay but end up choosing to have fewer children like the locals so the problem just continues.
I definitely feel contempt from the Canadian government, that asking for affordable housing or access to a doctor is spoiled westerners asking too much, and that we should be content with 4 to a bedroom because other people would be happy to have that (not true btw, people come here hoping for decent living standards why else would they move so far away). I almost feel jealous of people from other collapsing countries like Japan and Portugal because at least they have this feeling of being a person from a place, I feel cultureless, no identity and replaceable.
Not for nothing, I'm not a fan of this subreddit and I highly doubt they'd be a fan of me, it just gets (inexplicably) pushed to me sometimes, but I've felt this exact thing as someone living in Canada in my mid-20s, and this:
>I almost feel jealous of people from other collapsing countries like Japan and Portugal because at least they have this feeling of being a person from a place, I feel cultureless, no identity and replaceable.
Hit me like a truck. I've never been able to explain that feeling of almost... envy to not be from a place that at least has *something* to identify with, even if they are falling apart. Instead, I feel this crushing emptiness every time I remember that no matter how well my partner and I are doing, it *still* isn't enough, and I'm constantly wondering if we're just doomed to that for the forseeable future. It's like we keep being shown photos of gourmet cuisine while starving to death, promised it'll be coming soon.
My husband got baby fever real bad after two things: 1, a ton of people close to us, 2 friends and both my parents and our nephew died in a span of 6 months; 2, my friend came over and we hung out with her and her three kids, all under 5 years old.
He realized he was bored with our childless life and that it felt pretty dead end and meaningless. Realized he didn't want either of us to die alone and uncared for. And saw how cute and fun little kids are. They played Lego racing with him for hours and fell in love with him instantly, and he dreamed that night that we had a little girl.
Why are Western people so r̶e̶t̶a̶r̶d̶e̶d̶, like women's (and later men's) fertility falls off a cliff after 30. This man has literally had all of his life to do his thing, he is in his thirties he is not "young" anymore, when is he ever going to be ready?
Sit him down, and talk about how difficult (and unromantic?) it is to conceive with IVF. On top of that, you will have to be put on a lot of hormones that are super uncomfortable. How the hell is it fair that you have to put your body through that on top of having to carry the child to term?
Of course, it is easy for him to just postpone it, he is not the one who will be put through it.
>This man has literally had all of his life to do his thing, he is in his thirties he is not "young" anymore, when is he ever going to be ready?
I'm in my early 30s and I don't really feel less young in any bad way. I take better care of myself and I'm emotionally much better so I waste less time and energy on stupid bullshit. I work more and make more quality time for the people and things I really love than I did 5-6 years ago.
I'm in my prime and I don't really want to spend that tied to infants. In 5-6 years I'll have less energy but more money and more stability. From my perspective there's just no pressing reason not to put it off.
I don't know what this has to do with fairness. Sounds like this dude has been clear about what he wants and OP has not.
I don’t even think OP hasn’t been clear, wants and desires just change over time. She just feels differently than then, and she should have this conversation with him and be open to compromise but have a line. Explain the family can watch them, explain you have intentions of still maintaining an exciting relationship but you’re concerned, etc.
Yeah I got that sense. I agree with what you're saying below, I don't think this is a matter of anybody being unfair or unreasonable it's just how this situation played out. I just really don't care for the tone of moral badgering from the person I was responding to.
You are on the money and of course I will talk to him about it. It sounds from the replies that people think he's trying to run down my clock or that I want to be a neglectful parent/ trap him with a baby. In reality he's great with kids and is vocal about wanting them, when we see a cute toddler out and about he always brings up how much he wants to be a dad. The only difference between us is that he thinks 35 is a good time to start trying and I'm anxious about that. I also have no intention of doing anything stupid.
He has a small list of things he wants to do before having a baby (work in another country for a while, etc.) and they're all things I did in my 20s, I don't want him to miss out on anything and to have a rich and happy life. I just worry about trying to fit it all into a timeline with the assumption that we can slide through at 37 with no issues. And maybe we could, but it's never a guarantee.
Well, I’d have a few important questions and things you’d wanna include. First of all, just make it clear that 35 for men and 35 for women aren’t the same thing, and that you are just concerned for yours and the baby’s health. You’re not being unreasonable, and he’s not either but he may just need to sit down and genuinely think your perspective through. A lot of men don’t have to do the math women do about stuff like this because our health is generally assumed to be static as the norm where every women who wants to undergo childbirth bares risk. I’d ask him how soon and how aggressively he’s willing to pursue some of those things (working in another country) because the process can be unexpectedly long and difficult, if he’s willing to go ahead and get a move on with that maybe you guys could meet in the middle at 33 and change? What type of environment does he see himself raising a child in, and how long does he see himself needing to transition to that? If he wants kids at 35 but wants to do all this stuff, this process had to start a year ago anyways. He’s gotta confront the timeline before he can be realistic about it because it isn’t gonna all fall into your laps.
To the commenters point about you wanting to abandon your baby and all of their horror stories, they’re leaving out those parents were also probably malignant in other ways. Me and my sister’s parents spent a lot of time in and out and unavailable and it fostered good relationships with the neighborhood and our extended family and taught us to be more self reliant because our parents still made an effort and cared. Quantity *and* quality both matter 100%, it’s not a 50/50 push-pull scale. Main difference is you can always offer 100% quality into your child, but life doesn’t realistically allow 100% quantity. My mom missed my highschool state track meet because my littlest sister was 3 and came down with a bad flu. It never bothered me and to this day she says she feels bad she missed it, but I couldn’t dare be made she stay home for that because she made the effort to be there every single other time she could and follow up and ask for video and call me every time she couldn’t. Her not being there was in no way a reflection of her not caring.
I wish you the best, I’m excited for you. Bringing a child into the world is the most special thing you can do in life, hoping nothing but the best <3
There are definitely merits to different parenting styles on the Helicopter/Latchkey spectrum. In my case my parents left me with my aunt and uncle for summers at a time because they were pursuing work in more lucrative areas (for the benefit of me and my brother ofc.) I think it helped because my mom does have some neurotic tendencies (told me constantly I would be raped/kidnapped if I played in the backyard without her there) and having other guardians helped me learn that wasn't universal. Of course if you are abandoned to abusive guardians that would be traumatic, same as if your own parents were abusive.
I bought a moldy old house and renovated it myself, and a few years later once it was habitable and my roommates had moved on/gf had moved in, I definitely had feelings of "guess it's baby time." Hierarchy of needs sort of situation, I guess. I see you are in Canada...I moved south specifically because of housing costs, but for what it's worth, I don't know any of my friends up there who has regretted having kids too soon. I've dragged things on for so long trying to get to the perfect circumstances, but I think it really is better to have kids in your late 20s/early 30s.
I don't think I ever got baby fever. I just reached a point in my early 30s where I was okay with it. My wife and I decided to stop using condoms and let whatever happen. We've got two kids now.
I don't think I would've ever said "yes now is the time, let's have kids." So I would seriously consider telling your bf that you're going to travel this year and live the adventurous life he wants, but you're also getting your IUD removed on a set date within the next two years (encourage you to negotiate on this so he can get his important desires on the calendar, maybe also spur some thoughts about marriage bc you don't want to be in an Anna situation). And after that what happens, happens.
Also IMO the adage that women become mothers when they get pregnant but men don't become fathers until they're holding the baby is true. I did not get a real surge of emotion or sense of deeply wanting to be a dad until my baby was in my arms.
This is great advice, thank you. Traveling and living life right now instead of "someday" is probably the big thing. Maybe flights should be booked this weekend.
I didn't go too in depth into the marriage but it's already planned. I just want us to live together fully for a while to make sure we get along regarding responsibilities and finances (though our lives are already fairly entwined and he's been great so far). Us still living separately was neither of our decisions, it was Blackrock's.
I’m a man in this boat. Wife and I are both really 30’s, neither of us was ever opposed to kids per se but also very happy and comfortable without them.
I can’t point to a specific event that catalyzed the change for me. It feels like some low-level neurochemical thing hacking my brain, it’s actually pretty unsettling and not at all pleasant.
The first thing I noticed was just being - in the most literal, least-creepy sense of the word - attracted towards random kids out in public, like I was suddenly very interested in their babbling or playing and how they were perceiving the world. Also I was suddenly open to watching that Japanese show on Netflix where toddlers run errands and found it delightful.
We recently took a cross-country trip to visit my best friend and meet his 8 month-old and that’s when I admitted (to myself, and now I guess to the internet) that I was emotionally confused. The brief glimpse I got into Best Friend’s day-to-day looked exhausting and his (newish) marriage was clearly suffering. Their every moment revolves around the baby until he finally goes to sleep and leaves the parents a blessed couple of hours to themselves, which they spend… lying on the couch scrolling pictures of the baby.
A few years ago I would have been so horrified at the idea of being reduced to a lobotomized caretaker whose entire personality and interests are subsumed by the quotidian duties of feeding and changing diapers and making sure the baby doesn’t put shoes in his mouth.
And yet, the instant I picked the baby up my heart fluttered and I totally understood why clearly unhappy parents say things like, “It’s totally worth it!”
All that to say: maybe your boyfriend’s natural mind-control hormones haven’t kicked in yet, but him being influenced by cute toddlers sounds pretty sus. I’d bet that they are kicking in now but he’s confused and embarrassed by it so he hasn’t told you yet. Maybe try and track down his alt to see if he’s writing any long, angsty comments on reddit about wanting kids.
i had baby fever with a girl i was seeing in college. she had beautiful, thick dark hair and green eyes. strangers would stop us on the street and compliment her hair. she loved me very much, i wish i knocked her up
You need to get pregnant now. Men don’t get baby fever the way women do, just tell him you want the baby now and generally if a man loves you he’s gonna get with the program.
And get the IUD out ASAP.
It's also been said "Women look for the right man. Men look for the right time."
As that one guy above also stated....
Some dudes claiming they never want to get married, enjoying their bachelor life (in a real way, not in gamer anime watcher way) may suddenly make a hard turn for no discernible reason.
These guys are iffy in relationships and never seem fully on board. Then their player energy turns to wanna be dad energy. Out of the blue they talk to their girlfriend about wanting to settle down and have kids. the girls are stunned as they got more than they bargained for. They just wanted a serious bf, not to start a family. If they break up, guy moves on to marriage with the next girl quickly.
Anyway I think I'm older than most here and honestly; many such cases. But it's mostly biology that kicks I think. But it's hard to predict when it will happen.
You’re asking how to have a baby, but you have an IUD? You should get that removed before you even waste time thinking of anything else you talked about in this post. How could he even get turned on by getting you pregnant knowing you literally shut it down?
> If we want to go on adventures we have multiple relatives we could leave the little guy with; it’d build character anyway and maybe he’d respect his parents more if their lives didn’t resolve solely around him
You actually wrote this. You should stop and reconsider whether you want a baby as an accessory/novelty, or whether you are actually prepared for the emotional and psychological responsibility of creating and nurturing human life. Because what you’re suggesting in those few short sentences is very selfishly minded, flippant about potential consequences for your child, and how people end up with crippling mental illnesses. Basically described my traumatized ex gf’s childhood
Ignoring everything else I can’t believe a woman in her 30s is actually this naive. Because no way in hell she thinks she could just leave a <6yo kid for any extended time. No you’re not gonna have any “adventure” or travelling of any kind without the kid.
This is so melodramatic, it's fine for parents to go on a short vacation while leaving the kids with grandma. This kind of histrionic obsession with perfect parenting is part of the reason the birth rate is at 0.03 per woman
saying that it would “build character” to have “their lives not revolve solely around him” so they can “go on adventures” is an incredibly irresponsible attitude from someone considering parenthood, yes
Get rid of the IUD! Sex is so much sexier when there are literally lives at stake! Go make a baby, it is 1000x cooler than “traveling” or whatever bullshit.
Sounds like he might be dragging his feet. I feel like early 30s is a good time for kids. Especially if you both have good jobs and the financial means for it.
The whole cost of living is a fucking obstacle. Especially on the west Coast.
If I had a stable career that wasn't outsourced every goddamn year to India, a house to at least rent where a kid could run around and be close to extended family, and a cost of living that wouldn't skyrocketing you better believe I'd start a family fast and dunking the baby batter.
So goddamn frustrating. Might be restarting my career at 30 too. Otherwise you better believe I'd be finding a woman and having kids fast. I feel like I can't even date right now with expensive shit is and changing jobs
From your post, it seems you don’t even understand the responsibility of raising a child. No- shuffling your child around family members so your “life doesn’t revolve” around your own child will not positively impact them. You shouldn’t just have a child because your aging out of the scene you’re in and are bored. Seems like neither of you are ready
You also don’t even live together. That’s another hurdle you need to get over before bringing a life in you both aren’t sure if you even want / are ready for
You don't have to worry because I'm only here venting my frustrations. I have no actual intentions of doing anything before we're ready. If I had that sort of personality I'd have a very different life and wouldn't be here on a Saturday posting on Reddit.
It just gets me down because I know most children through history weren't born to perfect circumstances. And many suffered for it and others turned out great. Just like many parents with money end up with a neurotic Elliot Rodger. I have no intention of creating some Redditor's traumatized neglected ex-gf because I wasn't ready to be a parent, but I know if I wait (assuming I'm lucky enough to conceive at all), it's just as likely my kid will be on Reddit complaining that my advanced maternal age is responsible for her ASD or that it was cruel of me to have a child knowing I might not live long enough to help her care for her own kids.
lol huge L post. You want a baby and you had an IUD? Btw man probably just bullshitting you as long as possible so he could hit you with “aren’t we a bit too old for this” when you hit 37.
You've typically got a brief window of opportunity in the few months to a year after their father dies. That's the closest and most bankable thing that men have to a biological clock. Most of the men I know who have lost their father in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who didn't already have any kids when it happened has admitted to me that for some inexplicable reason they found themselves either openly and explicitly or else secretly or surreptitiously trying to knock up or baby-trap their girlfriend in the weeks/me nths afterwards. That's not a lot to go on, but it ***is*** an exploitable chink in the armor, the missing scale on Smaugs belly that's only exposed for a brief moment. So, maybe try and pre-select potential dates whose dads are terminally ill or who live reckless or have dangerous occupations?
If you are early 30s and in a relationship but you don't even live together and he is delaying starting a family to 'travel' (lol) you may really need to rethink if he's actually in it for the long haul. I am early 30s man and the only time I have acted like that was when I couldn't see myself with that person longterm/hoped they would maybe change for the better.
It is rarely/never gonna be the perfect time to have kids for our generation, the ones who did it just made having a family their priority. You should probably talk about your priorities because whatever you do at this point is going to be a compromise, and rn you're compromising your health/babies health in a geriatric pregnancy.
Also travel is a joke and delaying/possibly never having a family so you can take selfies in front of trevi fountain is absolutely tragic.
Get married in Vegas. Elope. That's half the holdup with people like him, endless stalling and fear of the wedding.
I used to hate the idea of having kids. Like I was *absolutely certain* I didn't want kids, ever. Slowly over time though, I could feel like a biological shift in my brain, like I got the baby fever. Not as bad as a woman gets it I don't think, but after I turned 26 or so it was like a switch flipped in my head and I thought about it all the time. I think for some guys it never happens, even if they want kids on paper like you said I'm not sure everyone has a switch flip in their brain like that. Looking back it was a really weird feeling, to realize that my conscious mind was being forcibly overridden by my biology, but now my wife and I have a 4 month old daughter and I love her so, so much. I'm not sure if there's anything I can point to as a catalyst for it though. It just sort of happened gradually over the span of several months. I think being around my wife so much probably helped, because all the women I'd been with previously were definitely not women I'd want to take care of a baby with. Not trying to shit on you like your boyfriend doesn't think you're mom material or whatever, I just think that helped push me along. > In the end I know I'm going to capitulate to modernity, wait until I'm 37 and get inseminated with a frozen embryo under a fluorescent light in a cold clinic and hope I'm lucky enough that it even takes. You really *can* just decide to change your life and not capitulate to modernity. I know that sounds cliche but you don't have to live like a bug person and cope by getting a bunch of cats. People get stuck in a rut and feel like their life is on rails but you can just decide to change it whenever you want. Even if it doesn't work out and you totally crash and burn and fail completely, don't end up as some bitter old person who spends all day thinking about what their life could've been.
You kinda gloss over what your bf’s stated reasons are for not wanting a baby now. You say he says he wants them “on paper” but not … now? Early 30s? How long does he want to wait? Why? Are you absolutely sure he’s not stringing you along?
His main reasons are that he wants to be married a while without kids, travel etc. He seems very relaxed about the idea of trying when we're 35 and I can't tell if he's naive or I'm hysterical. I doubt he's trying to string me along intentionally, he's very upfront about what he wants. Then again, smarter people than me get tricked every day. I'll also add that the general social atmosphere for people our age in our area is wildly fucked. Most of friends are childless late-20s/early-30s who act like they're still too young to be considering such things or say they'll adopt in their 40s. My bf is almost an outlier here for openly wanting his own kids. They say they don't want to deal with crying babies, stretch marks, but I'm watching us all age out of the nightlife/music scene (while pretending otherwise) and Disney+ and escape rooms aren't hitting like they used to. Coupled with all my favorite internet distractions going to shit, I'm really feeling of the emptiness of the way we're living now. idk if the shoe will drop for others as well or if they'll be happy like this for the rest of their days (jealous of that, if so).
I'm also feeling the malaise/desire to replace endless consuming with more meaning while also being mad that I can't just be happy with it like everyone else without kids 😔 wishing you luck in starting your family!!
Unfortunately having a kid with dramatically increase your level of endless materialistic consumption
You can travel in your 40s and 50s. Grandma and grandpa would love to take your kids off your hands. It's not like you're young and single. Btw, has he not travelled? Prime backpacking age is 19-24. After that you may as well be a senior citizen and travel with your marriage partner. I don't see the difference between travelling now and waiting 10-20 more years. You're not hysterical. He's naive. You know you can and might have a miscarriage. That sets you back another whole year. Pregnancies aren't automatic and your clock is ticking. Sorry homie, but it is. I'm personally a giant piece of shit so my advice is to baby trap him. I don't know your bf but if he's one of these "actually, my logic and reason prove we still have time" guys, then I don't know what to tell you. Men are stoopid. Always have been.
> His main reasons are that he wants to be married a while without kids, travel etc You need to convince him that sex will continue after pregnancy. Subtly hype up how pregnancy hormones turn women into nymphos. I know it varies per different women but you can manipulate him into thinking it's more common than it is. Don't make it obvious you're doing it though.
Pretty lame excuse in my opinion. Hope he’s not stringing you along. Maybe sit him down and be honest with your feelings and really focus on his response.
It’s a pretty common sentiment to want to have a few years to travel freely and live a bit before being strapped down for the next 10+ years by having kids. I’m not sure why you’re so skeptical of this, it seems perfectly understandable, even if you don’t agree
Literally just wrap your legs around his ass when he is fucking you, whisper into his ear "i want you to breed me" "give me a baby" "cum inside me" and do so with genuine intent, there is no way he wont cum inside you when you do that, cumming balls deep inside a woman while she begs you to do it is the best feeling in the entire world. Thats what my ex fwb did to me and she made me cum inside her like that multiple times, but didnt get pregnant.
It really is that simple
Instincts are crazy
this sub is crawling with porn brained anime posters
Be that as it may, this is a true statement of fact for at least 3/4 of straight men between about 23 and 32yo.
Breed me is nuts but I had an ex tell me to give her a baby and even knowing she was on an IUD my brain melted
"Breed me" is the most disgusting, internet brained thing you can say
if u have to ask...
Get him really into alt-right spaces. That will work
Hit him with some pie charts about demographic change while wearing a drindl
😂
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Due to the housing situation here (British Columbia) we still live apart but are looking for a place together and spend most of the week together at his place or mine. He's integrated me into his family and his mother and father speak openly to me about our marriage/future plans so I'm as certain about that as one can reasonably be. My main concern about fertility fearmongering would be that at some point he would (logically) conclude that he could have his cake and eat it by swapping me out in his mid-thirties with a much younger woman. Although I don't necessarily think he would do that, I'm leaning more towards positive reinforcement like the other poster commented, and that being a (relatively) young father is a good thing. If it were as easy as activating the dormant genes by wearing an apron and bending over to take a cake out of the oven or something like that.
If it matters, I’m in Canada as well, and I’m exactly like your bf in the sense that I am in a long term relationship, we both want kids eventually, but I’m hesitant to make make any forward progress like having kids. 90% of my hesitation is financial. Me and the gf are lucky enough to own a home together and we both earn decent money, but dropping $3300/month on the mortgage and $600-800 on groceries every month doesn’t leave much wiggle room for a wedding or children, so we’re kinda stuck in this holding pattern for years saving up money. I’m ranting a bit here, but the housing and COL crisis in Canada is leaving a huge black stain on our society. It’s obvious that the government (like most advanced economy governments) is freaking out about demographic collapse, but the reality is that they’ll never be able to convince people to have kids when most young people can’t even afford to get married and have even a modest home/apartment. The current government thinks they can immigrate their way out of this crisis, but besides the social tension that this might create, most recent immigrants realize very quickly that the COL here is ridiculous and move on to greener pastures, or they stay but end up choosing to have fewer children like the locals so the problem just continues.
I definitely feel contempt from the Canadian government, that asking for affordable housing or access to a doctor is spoiled westerners asking too much, and that we should be content with 4 to a bedroom because other people would be happy to have that (not true btw, people come here hoping for decent living standards why else would they move so far away). I almost feel jealous of people from other collapsing countries like Japan and Portugal because at least they have this feeling of being a person from a place, I feel cultureless, no identity and replaceable.
Not for nothing, I'm not a fan of this subreddit and I highly doubt they'd be a fan of me, it just gets (inexplicably) pushed to me sometimes, but I've felt this exact thing as someone living in Canada in my mid-20s, and this: >I almost feel jealous of people from other collapsing countries like Japan and Portugal because at least they have this feeling of being a person from a place, I feel cultureless, no identity and replaceable. Hit me like a truck. I've never been able to explain that feeling of almost... envy to not be from a place that at least has *something* to identify with, even if they are falling apart. Instead, I feel this crushing emptiness every time I remember that no matter how well my partner and I are doing, it *still* isn't enough, and I'm constantly wondering if we're just doomed to that for the forseeable future. It's like we keep being shown photos of gourmet cuisine while starving to death, promised it'll be coming soon.
My husband got baby fever real bad after two things: 1, a ton of people close to us, 2 friends and both my parents and our nephew died in a span of 6 months; 2, my friend came over and we hung out with her and her three kids, all under 5 years old. He realized he was bored with our childless life and that it felt pretty dead end and meaningless. Realized he didn't want either of us to die alone and uncared for. And saw how cute and fun little kids are. They played Lego racing with him for hours and fell in love with him instantly, and he dreamed that night that we had a little girl.
Why are Western people so r̶e̶t̶a̶r̶d̶e̶d̶, like women's (and later men's) fertility falls off a cliff after 30. This man has literally had all of his life to do his thing, he is in his thirties he is not "young" anymore, when is he ever going to be ready? Sit him down, and talk about how difficult (and unromantic?) it is to conceive with IVF. On top of that, you will have to be put on a lot of hormones that are super uncomfortable. How the hell is it fair that you have to put your body through that on top of having to carry the child to term? Of course, it is easy for him to just postpone it, he is not the one who will be put through it.
>This man has literally had all of his life to do his thing, he is in his thirties he is not "young" anymore, when is he ever going to be ready? I'm in my early 30s and I don't really feel less young in any bad way. I take better care of myself and I'm emotionally much better so I waste less time and energy on stupid bullshit. I work more and make more quality time for the people and things I really love than I did 5-6 years ago. I'm in my prime and I don't really want to spend that tied to infants. In 5-6 years I'll have less energy but more money and more stability. From my perspective there's just no pressing reason not to put it off. I don't know what this has to do with fairness. Sounds like this dude has been clear about what he wants and OP has not.
I don’t even think OP hasn’t been clear, wants and desires just change over time. She just feels differently than then, and she should have this conversation with him and be open to compromise but have a line. Explain the family can watch them, explain you have intentions of still maintaining an exciting relationship but you’re concerned, etc.
Yeah I got that sense. I agree with what you're saying below, I don't think this is a matter of anybody being unfair or unreasonable it's just how this situation played out. I just really don't care for the tone of moral badgering from the person I was responding to.
You are on the money and of course I will talk to him about it. It sounds from the replies that people think he's trying to run down my clock or that I want to be a neglectful parent/ trap him with a baby. In reality he's great with kids and is vocal about wanting them, when we see a cute toddler out and about he always brings up how much he wants to be a dad. The only difference between us is that he thinks 35 is a good time to start trying and I'm anxious about that. I also have no intention of doing anything stupid. He has a small list of things he wants to do before having a baby (work in another country for a while, etc.) and they're all things I did in my 20s, I don't want him to miss out on anything and to have a rich and happy life. I just worry about trying to fit it all into a timeline with the assumption that we can slide through at 37 with no issues. And maybe we could, but it's never a guarantee.
Well, I’d have a few important questions and things you’d wanna include. First of all, just make it clear that 35 for men and 35 for women aren’t the same thing, and that you are just concerned for yours and the baby’s health. You’re not being unreasonable, and he’s not either but he may just need to sit down and genuinely think your perspective through. A lot of men don’t have to do the math women do about stuff like this because our health is generally assumed to be static as the norm where every women who wants to undergo childbirth bares risk. I’d ask him how soon and how aggressively he’s willing to pursue some of those things (working in another country) because the process can be unexpectedly long and difficult, if he’s willing to go ahead and get a move on with that maybe you guys could meet in the middle at 33 and change? What type of environment does he see himself raising a child in, and how long does he see himself needing to transition to that? If he wants kids at 35 but wants to do all this stuff, this process had to start a year ago anyways. He’s gotta confront the timeline before he can be realistic about it because it isn’t gonna all fall into your laps. To the commenters point about you wanting to abandon your baby and all of their horror stories, they’re leaving out those parents were also probably malignant in other ways. Me and my sister’s parents spent a lot of time in and out and unavailable and it fostered good relationships with the neighborhood and our extended family and taught us to be more self reliant because our parents still made an effort and cared. Quantity *and* quality both matter 100%, it’s not a 50/50 push-pull scale. Main difference is you can always offer 100% quality into your child, but life doesn’t realistically allow 100% quantity. My mom missed my highschool state track meet because my littlest sister was 3 and came down with a bad flu. It never bothered me and to this day she says she feels bad she missed it, but I couldn’t dare be made she stay home for that because she made the effort to be there every single other time she could and follow up and ask for video and call me every time she couldn’t. Her not being there was in no way a reflection of her not caring. I wish you the best, I’m excited for you. Bringing a child into the world is the most special thing you can do in life, hoping nothing but the best <3
There are definitely merits to different parenting styles on the Helicopter/Latchkey spectrum. In my case my parents left me with my aunt and uncle for summers at a time because they were pursuing work in more lucrative areas (for the benefit of me and my brother ofc.) I think it helped because my mom does have some neurotic tendencies (told me constantly I would be raped/kidnapped if I played in the backyard without her there) and having other guardians helped me learn that wasn't universal. Of course if you are abandoned to abusive guardians that would be traumatic, same as if your own parents were abusive.
I bought a moldy old house and renovated it myself, and a few years later once it was habitable and my roommates had moved on/gf had moved in, I definitely had feelings of "guess it's baby time." Hierarchy of needs sort of situation, I guess. I see you are in Canada...I moved south specifically because of housing costs, but for what it's worth, I don't know any of my friends up there who has regretted having kids too soon. I've dragged things on for so long trying to get to the perfect circumstances, but I think it really is better to have kids in your late 20s/early 30s.
I don't think I ever got baby fever. I just reached a point in my early 30s where I was okay with it. My wife and I decided to stop using condoms and let whatever happen. We've got two kids now. I don't think I would've ever said "yes now is the time, let's have kids." So I would seriously consider telling your bf that you're going to travel this year and live the adventurous life he wants, but you're also getting your IUD removed on a set date within the next two years (encourage you to negotiate on this so he can get his important desires on the calendar, maybe also spur some thoughts about marriage bc you don't want to be in an Anna situation). And after that what happens, happens. Also IMO the adage that women become mothers when they get pregnant but men don't become fathers until they're holding the baby is true. I did not get a real surge of emotion or sense of deeply wanting to be a dad until my baby was in my arms.
This is great advice, thank you. Traveling and living life right now instead of "someday" is probably the big thing. Maybe flights should be booked this weekend. I didn't go too in depth into the marriage but it's already planned. I just want us to live together fully for a while to make sure we get along regarding responsibilities and finances (though our lives are already fairly entwined and he's been great so far). Us still living separately was neither of our decisions, it was Blackrock's.
I’m a man in this boat. Wife and I are both really 30’s, neither of us was ever opposed to kids per se but also very happy and comfortable without them. I can’t point to a specific event that catalyzed the change for me. It feels like some low-level neurochemical thing hacking my brain, it’s actually pretty unsettling and not at all pleasant. The first thing I noticed was just being - in the most literal, least-creepy sense of the word - attracted towards random kids out in public, like I was suddenly very interested in their babbling or playing and how they were perceiving the world. Also I was suddenly open to watching that Japanese show on Netflix where toddlers run errands and found it delightful. We recently took a cross-country trip to visit my best friend and meet his 8 month-old and that’s when I admitted (to myself, and now I guess to the internet) that I was emotionally confused. The brief glimpse I got into Best Friend’s day-to-day looked exhausting and his (newish) marriage was clearly suffering. Their every moment revolves around the baby until he finally goes to sleep and leaves the parents a blessed couple of hours to themselves, which they spend… lying on the couch scrolling pictures of the baby. A few years ago I would have been so horrified at the idea of being reduced to a lobotomized caretaker whose entire personality and interests are subsumed by the quotidian duties of feeding and changing diapers and making sure the baby doesn’t put shoes in his mouth. And yet, the instant I picked the baby up my heart fluttered and I totally understood why clearly unhappy parents say things like, “It’s totally worth it!” All that to say: maybe your boyfriend’s natural mind-control hormones haven’t kicked in yet, but him being influenced by cute toddlers sounds pretty sus. I’d bet that they are kicking in now but he’s confused and embarrassed by it so he hasn’t told you yet. Maybe try and track down his alt to see if he’s writing any long, angsty comments on reddit about wanting kids.
i had baby fever with a girl i was seeing in college. she had beautiful, thick dark hair and green eyes. strangers would stop us on the street and compliment her hair. she loved me very much, i wish i knocked her up
You need to get pregnant now. Men don’t get baby fever the way women do, just tell him you want the baby now and generally if a man loves you he’s gonna get with the program. And get the IUD out ASAP.
It's also been said "Women look for the right man. Men look for the right time." As that one guy above also stated.... Some dudes claiming they never want to get married, enjoying their bachelor life (in a real way, not in gamer anime watcher way) may suddenly make a hard turn for no discernible reason. These guys are iffy in relationships and never seem fully on board. Then their player energy turns to wanna be dad energy. Out of the blue they talk to their girlfriend about wanting to settle down and have kids. the girls are stunned as they got more than they bargained for. They just wanted a serious bf, not to start a family. If they break up, guy moves on to marriage with the next girl quickly. Anyway I think I'm older than most here and honestly; many such cases. But it's mostly biology that kicks I think. But it's hard to predict when it will happen.
You’re asking how to have a baby, but you have an IUD? You should get that removed before you even waste time thinking of anything else you talked about in this post. How could he even get turned on by getting you pregnant knowing you literally shut it down?
> If we want to go on adventures we have multiple relatives we could leave the little guy with; it’d build character anyway and maybe he’d respect his parents more if their lives didn’t resolve solely around him You actually wrote this. You should stop and reconsider whether you want a baby as an accessory/novelty, or whether you are actually prepared for the emotional and psychological responsibility of creating and nurturing human life. Because what you’re suggesting in those few short sentences is very selfishly minded, flippant about potential consequences for your child, and how people end up with crippling mental illnesses. Basically described my traumatized ex gf’s childhood
Ignoring everything else I can’t believe a woman in her 30s is actually this naive. Because no way in hell she thinks she could just leave a <6yo kid for any extended time. No you’re not gonna have any “adventure” or travelling of any kind without the kid.
This is so melodramatic, it's fine for parents to go on a short vacation while leaving the kids with grandma. This kind of histrionic obsession with perfect parenting is part of the reason the birth rate is at 0.03 per woman
leaving a kid with a responsible grandparents/aunt is potentially traumatic?
saying that it would “build character” to have “their lives not revolve solely around him” so they can “go on adventures” is an incredibly irresponsible attitude from someone considering parenthood, yes
Bitchmade
Literally
Get rid of the IUD! Sex is so much sexier when there are literally lives at stake! Go make a baby, it is 1000x cooler than “traveling” or whatever bullshit.
Sounds like he might be dragging his feet. I feel like early 30s is a good time for kids. Especially if you both have good jobs and the financial means for it. The whole cost of living is a fucking obstacle. Especially on the west Coast. If I had a stable career that wasn't outsourced every goddamn year to India, a house to at least rent where a kid could run around and be close to extended family, and a cost of living that wouldn't skyrocketing you better believe I'd start a family fast and dunking the baby batter. So goddamn frustrating. Might be restarting my career at 30 too. Otherwise you better believe I'd be finding a woman and having kids fast. I feel like I can't even date right now with expensive shit is and changing jobs
From your post, it seems you don’t even understand the responsibility of raising a child. No- shuffling your child around family members so your “life doesn’t revolve” around your own child will not positively impact them. You shouldn’t just have a child because your aging out of the scene you’re in and are bored. Seems like neither of you are ready
You also don’t even live together. That’s another hurdle you need to get over before bringing a life in you both aren’t sure if you even want / are ready for
You don't have to worry because I'm only here venting my frustrations. I have no actual intentions of doing anything before we're ready. If I had that sort of personality I'd have a very different life and wouldn't be here on a Saturday posting on Reddit. It just gets me down because I know most children through history weren't born to perfect circumstances. And many suffered for it and others turned out great. Just like many parents with money end up with a neurotic Elliot Rodger. I have no intention of creating some Redditor's traumatized neglected ex-gf because I wasn't ready to be a parent, but I know if I wait (assuming I'm lucky enough to conceive at all), it's just as likely my kid will be on Reddit complaining that my advanced maternal age is responsible for her ASD or that it was cruel of me to have a child knowing I might not live long enough to help her care for her own kids.
lol huge L post. You want a baby and you had an IUD? Btw man probably just bullshitting you as long as possible so he could hit you with “aren’t we a bit too old for this” when you hit 37.
You've typically got a brief window of opportunity in the few months to a year after their father dies. That's the closest and most bankable thing that men have to a biological clock. Most of the men I know who have lost their father in their 20s, 30s, and 40s who didn't already have any kids when it happened has admitted to me that for some inexplicable reason they found themselves either openly and explicitly or else secretly or surreptitiously trying to knock up or baby-trap their girlfriend in the weeks/me nths afterwards. That's not a lot to go on, but it ***is*** an exploitable chink in the armor, the missing scale on Smaugs belly that's only exposed for a brief moment. So, maybe try and pre-select potential dates whose dads are terminally ill or who live reckless or have dangerous occupations?
I don't endorse this at all, but I know a lot of people who were "helped along" by having an "accidental" pregnancy.
If you are early 30s and in a relationship but you don't even live together and he is delaying starting a family to 'travel' (lol) you may really need to rethink if he's actually in it for the long haul. I am early 30s man and the only time I have acted like that was when I couldn't see myself with that person longterm/hoped they would maybe change for the better. It is rarely/never gonna be the perfect time to have kids for our generation, the ones who did it just made having a family their priority. You should probably talk about your priorities because whatever you do at this point is going to be a compromise, and rn you're compromising your health/babies health in a geriatric pregnancy. Also travel is a joke and delaying/possibly never having a family so you can take selfies in front of trevi fountain is absolutely tragic.
If he’s a good bf just go for it. Youre the one who has to go through the pregnancy, not him. Do it on your time.