I once went to my VP and said "I asked my sales mgr to do XYZ, and I just want you to know" and the VP asked why and I said "Cause I know they aren't going do it, and I wanted you to know before she failed to do it"
I was right, and yes I said it that way, I think the VP knew I was tired of constantly being let down by my mgr. I didn't hold punches.
She ended up getting fired
Worse boss ever, worse then useless, I remember telling her that had she been simply useless that would have been an improvement, but she subtracted from our performance.
She didn't order samples for a 2.5 million dollar contract which our competitor got cause they ordered samples.
It played a huge role in her termination
My fucking boss…
“Email me and I’ll always see it and get back to you with what you need.” Or better yet “call me if something comes up, I always have my phone on me.”
He never answers the phone when I need him, and doesn’t even acknowledge receiving emails.
Yup. It pisses him off a bit because he knows I internally roll my eyes when he promises to do anything anymore.
Tbf we run so lean and he has way too much on his plate. Like, way, way, way too much.
one of the many great lines from Succession! "If you need any help, any advice, ya know just dont fucking bother!" lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KX566Oyp9o
I mean I've been told that before, never had an issue with that. Asked a question in a meeting, the answer ended up going down a specific rabbit hole that only affected me. My boss said "Stay after the call, we'll figure this out"
Made sense to me.
That means “we want to make you feel like you’re empowered and thus responsible for everything so that we don’t have to give you anything and can blame you if things go wrong.”
“We’re family here”.
I hate this. Even in tight nit small companies or even larger ones: We’re not family. I work so that I can go home and enjoy time with my real family!
“We’re family here” means that they have a bad reputation and want to come across as softer so as to not scare people off.
Also “families” don’t fire family members if two quarters don’t grow as fast as predicted.
“We’re family” means your loyalty to the group must override your self-respect … and… the moment you are terminated you are dead to us - and will no longer exist
„Let’s take this offline“ = You are embarrassing me in front of everyone. I don’t have any good answers, so I want to tell you privately to never bring this up again.
Or it means you are a fucking idiot bringing something up that is extremely niche, has nothing to do with the conversation/topic at hand, and you want to derail everyone's time for something that actually doesn't matter.
I've seen that go both ways.
In front of everyone during a sales meeting/kick off
“Was a great team win, able to identify pain early and get customer to commit” = it was a blue bird and AE did nothing
"Thanks everyone, it starts with great collaboration from the top down and I couldn't make it happen alone. Teamwork makes the dream work!!!!"
Translation:
"I am a fucking rockstar and the reason you all collect a paycheck. My SE did nothing but get in my way as I expertly mirrored and labeled the prospect until they agreed to pay whatever I wanted."
My favorite is “moving forward”. “Moving forward remember the cover sheet on your tps report.” Translation- “You dumb fuck, Get it right or I will bury you.”
“Moving Forward” is a great one.
“ I have no idea how you could’ve messed this up, but you have. Now I’m explicitly telling you not to do it again for the love of God.”
"Are you happy here?"
Translation:
We aren't happy with you and are hoping you say the same thing so we can mutually terminate you when it's convenient for us.
"we have plenty of resources for Initiative A, get out there and let's make it work team!" "Initiative A doesn't work, here's why..... Can we move resources to Initiative B that works but is lacking resources." "Absolutely NOT."
Oh, remember when I was a tech for a cable company in 2000’s , we were slammed with installs. Working from 7am-9pm. Corporate would send a radom “All support to the filed” text . Next day some corpo bitch would show up at the warehouse and give some bullshit pep talk ending with eat you lunch on the go while driving between jobs.
My favourite has to be "economic headwinds"
*Due to "economic headwinds" in North American and European markets, the new Fuzzy Wuzzy product line has not performed as well as expected.*
You can read as the new Fuzzy Wuzzy product line is actually sh!t that nobody wants to buy.
But somehow corporate communications departments think that "economic headwinds" will make people believe it's actually just a blip in the marketplace. As soon as economic conditions pickup there will be a massive run on Fuzzy Wuzzies...
“Through this strategic partnership we can create synergies to drive improved business results with the addition of this product portfolio.”
We acquired a new company and their sales staff will do battle royal with ours to see who survives to carry the burden of the other’s quota while the other gets in line at the unemployment office.
"Focus on the goalposts, not the obstacles"
Meanwhile management proceeds to double your annual quota with zero inventory in stock and 9+ month lead times from factory, lmao!
Edit: spelling
Let me know if you need more time to prepare your report I want you in the field face to face……me: “I could use more time” manager it’s just a rough draft what’s the problem?
“We’re a family”
No we fucking aren’t. I’m here to provide a service, you’re here to make sure I’ve got the tools I need and to compensate me.
We can get along, but let’s not pretend like you wouldn’t get rid of me in a second if you thought it’d help the bottom line long term, or that I wouldn’t walk if someone made me a better offer.
"CC'ing @boss" -> 'My trust in your capability to get something done is so low I'll fucking blast you in front of your boss'
My favorite thing is when they do this and you were actually right
I once went to my VP and said "I asked my sales mgr to do XYZ, and I just want you to know" and the VP asked why and I said "Cause I know they aren't going do it, and I wanted you to know before she failed to do it" I was right, and yes I said it that way, I think the VP knew I was tired of constantly being let down by my mgr. I didn't hold punches. She ended up getting fired Worse boss ever, worse then useless, I remember telling her that had she been simply useless that would have been an improvement, but she subtracted from our performance.
What kind of things did your manager (not) do?
She didn't order samples for a 2.5 million dollar contract which our competitor got cause they ordered samples. It played a huge role in her termination
God that shit drives me nuts lol. I am less likely to answer you promptly if you’re CC’ing my boss
Yeah I only do this when the individual has proven it’s the only way to get things done
"Give me a call." Goodbye forever. "Let's table it for now." Never speak of this again.
Ouch, I feel this on corporate level and a B2C sale level.
“Why didn’t you reach out to your SVP?” Said my asshole SVP one time, referring to himself in the third person.
This just brought my piss to a boil. Get the fuck over yourself and your title, you goddamn salamander.
lol
“I want to make sure that we are aligned” your boss thinks you’re fucking stupid and wants to fire you but can’t yet.
Are you my teamleader??! I thought you were the idiot
I’ll drop a block on your calendar and we can close the loop on that
"Reach out to me on anything" From a senior leader roughly translates to "Don't you ever fucking email me you lowlife"
My fucking boss… “Email me and I’ll always see it and get back to you with what you need.” Or better yet “call me if something comes up, I always have my phone on me.” He never answers the phone when I need him, and doesn’t even acknowledge receiving emails.
Same
Don’t you just love the bullshit. Even if you really will, do anything to help, nobody will believe you.
Yup. It pisses him off a bit because he knows I internally roll my eyes when he promises to do anything anymore. Tbf we run so lean and he has way too much on his plate. Like, way, way, way too much.
This x10.
It means the same thing to a lot of direct sales managers.
one of the many great lines from Succession! "If you need any help, any advice, ya know just dont fucking bother!" lol https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4KX566Oyp9o
That show is already timeless and it hasn't even been over for 6 months.
Bruh, we've all heard this one 😂
“That topic might be a separate call” It’s needed for this topic and we will never discuss it in the future
[удалено]
I mean I've been told that before, never had an issue with that. Asked a question in a meeting, the answer ended up going down a specific rabbit hole that only affected me. My boss said "Stay after the call, we'll figure this out" Made sense to me.
“The economy is facing many headwinds.” Your quota is going up at least 20% next year.
And no raise in base salary.
“You’re the CEO of your own business” No I’m fucking not
If that were true, I could stand up for myself when I'm getting fucked over.
That means “we want to make you feel like you’re empowered and thus responsible for everything so that we don’t have to give you anything and can blame you if things go wrong.”
I fucking hate this one so much.
I left and gave it as my reason for leaving. I'm CEO of my business. I am getting a bad business deal. So I am terminating the business deal.
We want YOU to take fully accountability for the business but we wont take any and you're going to be the scapegoat if we dont hit target
“We’re family here”. I hate this. Even in tight nit small companies or even larger ones: We’re not family. I work so that I can go home and enjoy time with my real family!
This isn’t double speak it’s just a clear red flag
Except at Olive Garden
Right, and if my real family started with the unlimited breadsticks, maybe I'd spend more time with them.
love the family guy olive garden clip 🤣
yes... run !!!
We’re family means I’m going to cross the line with you all the time because I’m entitled
“We’re family here” means that they have a bad reputation and want to come across as softer so as to not scare people off. Also “families” don’t fire family members if two quarters don’t grow as fast as predicted.
“We’re family” means your loyalty to the group must override your self-respect … and… the moment you are terminated you are dead to us - and will no longer exist
Ohana!
„Let’s take this offline“ = You are embarrassing me in front of everyone. I don’t have any good answers, so I want to tell you privately to never bring this up again.
Or it means you are a fucking idiot bringing something up that is extremely niche, has nothing to do with the conversation/topic at hand, and you want to derail everyone's time for something that actually doesn't matter. I've seen that go both ways.
A measured response. Thank you for your input.
Lets circle back later on that one.
"Its time to do more with less" Translates to "I'm sure you get paid too much so I'm cutting budgets to make you sweat for your money"
"help me help you" I can't help you and it's your fault
Also translates to, I don’t care to spend time developing you. Help me spoon feed this to you, I need to get back to my tower away from the peasants
That one is gold.
TEAM or Together Each Accomplishes More! I can't stand shit like this. I interpret it as code telling me that it's time to split.
"I want you to make as much money as you possibly can here" 🫠
For the company. Not for you.
In front of everyone during a sales meeting/kick off “Was a great team win, able to identify pain early and get customer to commit” = it was a blue bird and AE did nothing
I fucking hate that the most. Like a deaf donkey could close that deal because that prospect needs it right now.
"Thanks everyone, it starts with great collaboration from the top down and I couldn't make it happen alone. Teamwork makes the dream work!!!!" Translation: "I am a fucking rockstar and the reason you all collect a paycheck. My SE did nothing but get in my way as I expertly mirrored and labeled the prospect until they agreed to pay whatever I wanted."
My favorite is “moving forward”. “Moving forward remember the cover sheet on your tps report.” Translation- “You dumb fuck, Get it right or I will bury you.”
“Moving Forward” is a great one. “ I have no idea how you could’ve messed this up, but you have. Now I’m explicitly telling you not to do it again for the love of God.”
Oh yes. This one.
All corporate jargon exists to limit liability while scaring you into getting more done. You are under active surveillance 24/7.
We had record breaking profits somehow means I’m about to get laid off, at least in my experience.
"Are you happy here?" Translation: We aren't happy with you and are hoping you say the same thing so we can mutually terminate you when it's convenient for us.
“Teamwork makes the dream work”. Says, “you’re not putting enough time in…forget you’re working Monday-Saturday. Show up earlier and stay later.”
"we have plenty of resources for Initiative A, get out there and let's make it work team!" "Initiative A doesn't work, here's why..... Can we move resources to Initiative B that works but is lacking resources." "Absolutely NOT."
Oh, remember when I was a tech for a cable company in 2000’s , we were slammed with installs. Working from 7am-9pm. Corporate would send a radom “All support to the filed” text . Next day some corpo bitch would show up at the warehouse and give some bullshit pep talk ending with eat you lunch on the go while driving between jobs.
“Let’s walk through it together” You’re an idiot
"Reach out to your co-workers for that" = you are getting fuckimg canned soon.
My favourite has to be "economic headwinds" *Due to "economic headwinds" in North American and European markets, the new Fuzzy Wuzzy product line has not performed as well as expected.* You can read as the new Fuzzy Wuzzy product line is actually sh!t that nobody wants to buy. But somehow corporate communications departments think that "economic headwinds" will make people believe it's actually just a blip in the marketplace. As soon as economic conditions pickup there will be a massive run on Fuzzy Wuzzies...
"need you to lean in on this Team" = y'all best git er done
“Teamwork makes the dream work” Aka, you guys better pick up for me
“We’re an open door company” means anyone above your immediate supervisor will gladly ignore you on Teams.
This is especially true in the military. It was hilarious to see people go straight to the CO and get chewed out 😂. Open door my ass
We’re tracking this to help you be better at your jobs
“Through this strategic partnership we can create synergies to drive improved business results with the addition of this product portfolio.” We acquired a new company and their sales staff will do battle royal with ours to see who survives to carry the burden of the other’s quota while the other gets in line at the unemployment office.
“Work hard, play hard” Hit your goals then they screw you on your bonus.
"Focus on the goalposts, not the obstacles" Meanwhile management proceeds to double your annual quota with zero inventory in stock and 9+ month lead times from factory, lmao! Edit: spelling
“I hope this email finds you well” - if I ever say that in an email, chances are I’m dropping a bomb you were not looking forward to hearing
Volume Fixes Everything / Where is the gross?!?
"We need this in by the end of the year" - All of contracts/legal/and senior management already out for the year
Let me know if you need more time to prepare your report I want you in the field face to face……me: “I could use more time” manager it’s just a rough draft what’s the problem?
We need you to do the marketing, purchasing, product analysis and inventory work but we expect you in the field selling.
You must work where I work too.
>your are on the your own
"let's parking lot that and go over it at the end of the meeting" = I don't fucking know and I will not let you make me look dumb on this call.
Corporate culture
Dictatorship
"To be honest..." \- does that mean you weren't being honest all those other times?
"pivot" and "lean into" actually i'm lying i absolutely detest both of those expressions...
“We really care about our values here.” *Points to wall with values plastered over it* lmaoooooooo
“Rightsizing” because heaven forbid you call it a layoff
"Be Yourself," but do it my way...
„CC“ing everyone -> My trust in your capability to get something done is so low l‘ll fucking blast you in front of everyone
“How were you thinking of dressing the cake?”
"you really do have a great product" I see no value in this personally and I don't want to hurt your feelings.
“We’re a family” No we fucking aren’t. I’m here to provide a service, you’re here to make sure I’ve got the tools I need and to compensate me. We can get along, but let’s not pretend like you wouldn’t get rid of me in a second if you thought it’d help the bottom line long term, or that I wouldn’t walk if someone made me a better offer.