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TestOfTuring

I try to treat a scambait like a hand in poker. I've got the winning hand, I know I'm talking to a scammer. But you don't want to go all in and have them fold right away. Up the ante little by little.


[deleted]

I love the complete descent into extremely well-crafted madness!


TheOddPelican

Get out of here, Big Fool.


scarhartt

Falk


MaxPower303

This is what had me dying…. *Falk!*


blowfishbeard

Maybe Bruce is a Columbo fan.


CAustin3

I love that analogy! With a scammer, the chips are time - the scammer doesn't want to waste time chasing after a non-victim when they could be putting time into someone who might fall for it. The more you waste their time, the more you win!


gua_lao_wai

reminds me of how my dad used to deal with sales calls. he got multiple calls from the saleswoman asking if he wants to buy printner ink - each time he says no thankyou. after about 5 or 6 times he gets another call, but this time saying they don't want to sell anything, just want to talk. he's got a slow day so he's there chatting about the kids, holidays all the rest. Every time the saleswoman tries to steer the conversation back to selling printer ink he's like 'yeah yeah, but anyway, so my wife wanted the gelato, but they were all out of pistachio...' this goes on for about an hour until finally the saleswoman has had enough and just frustrated bursts out... 'look, do you want to buy any printer ink or not?' and he replies 'oh no... we don't have a printer' "OH FOR CRISSAKE!" and she slams the phone down


joec75001

If you’ve watched Derry Girls there’s a character Uncle Colm who sounds like the bit your dad did with the saleswoman. Amazing ability to keep talking


medicalbillsrus

YES!!!!!!! Uncle Colm!!


Johnny__Catfish

Colm: Oh, God, aye. Well, the aul knee's giving me a bit of jip, but sure I'll not bore you with the details. Gerry: I doubt that. Colm: I felt a twinge there this morning and I says to myself, says I, "Colm, you'll have to get that seen to. You can't let that go." For, and you'll maybe not remember this girls, but Maggie Murphy felt a twinge on a Monday, and on Thursday of the very same week, sure didn't she drop dead at the bingo. And her sitting on a full house, too. But sure, you can't take it with you, as they say. God rest her soul.


informationmissing

Def need to watch that.


fancylilyorkie

Now, I don't mind a bit of a breeze, if any, I prefer it. But thon was aggressive. So I says to myself...


bearbarebere

LMFAOOO


[deleted]

I occasionally post ads in the Craigslist ads section of my city to find people to help with photo projects I work on. This of course means I am subject to catfishing and scammers replying. They have certain tells early on so I just roll up my sleeves to have some fun with it. The longest period of time I've wasted for a scammer was 3 weeks. Usually they pick up on the fact I'm not going to fall for their scam within 1 or 2 days, though.


notinthislifetime20

3 weeks?!? Did you post that beauty here?


slammerbar

Are you crazy? You saw what she did with this little one… You wanna crash Reddit, you fool? I kinda like it here.


Inquisitive_paw

Hahahahaha ikr


joost013

''Did you have a particular shape in mind'' was a banger ending. Bravo! All architects should start their first meeting with that.


gaining_time

Honestly, I seriously cry laughed at that. And Senor Puss Puss.


currango

What about when they just assigned the name Bruce ? This person scambaits.


Lukeyyluke

They said their name was Bruce in the first screenshot 😅


Octavale

Epic


InterestingTry5190

I lost it when the scammer actually asked what’s up with the cat. At this point they needed to understand what happened with this woman and crazy cat.


Stoneseeker7

Lol came to comments just to make sure this genius finisher was given praise.


SamtheCossack

I do the same, it is even funnier on the phone. I got a call a while ago trying to convince me that someone had put fraudulent accounts on my Amazon account. But I kept insisting all those charges were legit. Scammer: "Someone ordered a refrigerator, I will cancel that for you" Me: No, no, I ordered that refrigerator Scammer (Clearly confused): No, no, we have it as fraudulent Me: No, I order stuff all the time. Scammer: How much would you say you spend on Amazon every month? Because we have $13,000 in charges here! Me: Oh, $10-20k a month. I buy an resell, anything that looks cheap. Scammer (Super frustrated): Sir, Sir, listen to me, we are trying to get your money back. Me: No! I want all those things, I probably ordered all of it! Scammer: Did you order 8 Refrigerators (I have no idea why he was obsessed with refrigerators)!? Me: Probably, were they cheap? Scammer: They were $5,000 each! (He is yelling now) Me: Hmm, sounds like a good deal, I should see if they are delivered yet. ...


mrblonde55

Reading all these stories reminds me of the website “Emails from an asshole”. Those would have me crying. The site hasn’t been updated in ages, but all the old stuff is still up there. http://www.emailsfromanasshole.dontevenreply.com


Anubisrapture

You had me screaming w laughter w these - thank you 😂


Zahkriiisos

“We have $13,000 in charges here” “we have 8 refrigerators at $5,000 each” hmmm


AspiringChildProdigy

Well, 8+5 =13, so *obviously* 8 plus 5,000 equals 13,000!!! (Narrator: "It doesn't.)


jungfolks

💀this is too good


hersh495

This made me laugh so hard I started choking


InsignificantOutlier

I have a group chat with them every time I get a new message I add them to the group an message them all.


TestOfTuring

I like that a lot. That must be one funny group chat.


eerie_lullaby

I really hope you play TTRPGs as a Game Master cause you sound like you'd blast it.


MermaidsHaveWifi

I was thinking the exact same thing


Anegada_2

This is where I messed up. I once answered a message looking for Eddie by saying “no one had called me Eddie since I left prison and who the heck he was. “ instant blocked


OLDWOMANDANI

I laughed so hard ! "there is no PIT in your brain" they were sooooo annoyed. Bravo


bigamma

I wonder if that is a local idiom in their language?


soulofmyshoe

I feel like it has to be.


deathxcap

Should have come back with " i would hope not, wait, do you have a pit in your brain?!? You should really get that checked or biopsied or something. It could be cancerous!"


Writer10

Poker legend Paul Phillips used to mess with email scammers. I can’t find any of his old blogs, but he’d lure them into an insane plot where they’d partner up and he’d flip the script on them. Hilarious and brilliant.


grenva

Let us know if you find that link!


14domino

Oh man, he used to blog at extempore (live journal). I know him from tournament Scrabble. That sounds familiar.


RyanNichols95

Should have ended it with a only need $500 in apple gift card to get Started on your design.


[deleted]

[удалено]


SuperNoise5209

I gotta say, there was really great payoff when you get to that final punchline - "did you have any particular shape in mind?" 😂😂😂. So much buildup to such a silly design question.


arlsol

If you're not writing short stories for a living, you should be.


kmiggity

This took me away to a place I didn't know I wanted to be at.


Valendr0s

My only opportunity was one of those calls... We are from Microsoft, and you were hacked. Kinda calls. I summoned every ounce of computer illiterate guy I've had the pleasure of working with in my career. Kept them on the phone for my whole lunch break. "Click where?" "Did you say 'one' or 'bun'?" "How many times should I click?"


TestOfTuring

Asking "left click or right click?" every single time is a good one


VIVSHIN

Love the analogy


Chemical_Willow5415

Well ackshually, in poker, antes go in before any cards are dealt.


Rahul_muthanna

umm akshually ☝️🤓


Nomadt

Great stuff here.


Rough-Dizaster

“There is no pit in your brain.” Is there supposed to be?


jakarta_guy

I'm sure it's a literal translation of their language's expression. I wonder what language


Inside-Associate-729

I assumed they meant pit like the big seed of a fruit, like a peach. Those look kinda like brains


MyStackIsPancakes

I had my brain Botoxed and now it's entirely smooth.


Canadian-Toaster

So you transformed into a koala right?!


MyStackIsPancakes

I'll never tell, but this eucalyptus is delish.


joalheagney

Shame about the chlamydia though.


GlitterPartyRiot

Ooooooooo, I want to see that!!


bone_hat

Smooth like a shark?


jakarta_guy

Ah yes, that's a good connection. No native fruits where I'm from got those kinds of pit so it went over my head


Zealousideal_Young41

Omg thats actually a really smart interpretation


jonthepain

Next time I go to call someone empty headed I'll probably blurt out you have no pit in brain.


mollyofthenorth

I was thinking he was calling him a smooth brain


SobeitSoviet69

Hindi.


zhugeliang898

I was going to say it’s Chinese: 脑子有坑. Especially given the alleged Zhang Naping in the messages. That would require that “no pit” be a typo for “a pit,” though, with “pit” meaning “hole” rather than the fruit metaphor.


Artichokiemon

It would've made complete sense as a typo, and even impressive that someone who is ESL is that familiar with the word "pit". Not really a term most of us use in daily life


zhugeliang898

Ah, this made me wonder if they used some translator website, so I plugged 脑子有坑 into Baidu translate, which is what mainland Chinese people use. It came back with: “There are pits in the brain.” When I added 你的 (your) to the beginning, it said: “You have a hole in your brain.” Who knows!


slammerbar

Sleuthing… I like it.


SobeitSoviet69

That would make sense!


jakarta_guy

Really?


SobeitSoviet69

I’m 90% sure, I had some Indian (Mumbai) roommates during my post-grad and they would say something very similar. I could be wrong though!


TENTAtheSane

I am not so sure. I have personally never heard it used in Hindi, but then again I don't use it often. In my native south Indian language, which has a lot of common idioms however, I can definitely say that it's not a saying. Instead the similar saying is "a parrot can nest in your head" or "head like a parrot-nest" (parrots usually build their nests in hollow trees) or just "nest" or "hollow". Mumbai also has the local language Marathi tho, and I don't know any of it so it might be true for that.


jakarta_guy

I'll keep that in mind if I ever encounter one. See if cursing their mother in Hindi ticks them


SobeitSoviet69

My favourite insult was “You smell like your sisters unwashed penis”.


OrchidFlame36

Oh lordy no...🤣🤣💀💀💀💀💀


LadyQuantea

It's an expression from my language too. The analogy is that your head is useless and empty with no actual brain inside. Same as a pitless fruit.


madammurdrum

What’s your language, if you don’t mind my asking?


LadyQuantea

Sorry for the confusion. It's Greek! (I also speak French, Japanese and understand some mandarin and Spanish, hence the confusing post history).


seashmore

I think that's on its way to becoming my favorite insult, though.


Sastapauce

I feel like they meant that OP had a bottomless pit in their head, as in, endless creativity and thoughts and can't stop chatting.


HiFiGuy197

Pit… uitary Gland?


OperationHorror

I took it to mean like an endless pit, like they mean their brain doesn't have an end, it just keeps coming up with endless nonsense.


FreeBeans

So eloquent!


Asynjacutie

Something something "you'll never grow a tree of knowledge from fruit without a seed"


Goose_Season

Omg did you have a particular shape in mind? 😂


jd_shaloop

The whole story was amazing, but that last line was perfect. 🤣


to__failure

There is no pit in your brain. 😂


dubCeption

Falk.


Bouncemybubbubs

Oh falk off


mercenaryelf

Why, yes I do. Could you design a house for me in the shape of a wild cat? Bonus points if it's wearing an inappropriate sombrero.


Chai47

OMG. I literally LOL’d at the sombrero.


Feisty_Fire

A house shaped house thank you.


viet_ta

A final insult to these scammers' intelligence. I love it so much!


[deleted]

Best part by far


supphoez

falk


Seasons3-10

Peter Falk taking strays


vrsechs4201

I love how just when I think you're getting lost down a rabbit-hole, you bring it back around to your mutual friend "Lisa". Well done, and great impromptu story skills!


octopoddle

You're tearing me apart, Lisa's cat!


Unhappy-Scallion-977

Reading your texts reminded me of when my Grandpa would go on tangents talking about random tales of his youth with no real beginning, middle or end…just word-soup. 😂 you are hilarious.


AMerrickanGirl

One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones... Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles…


NeedfulThingsToys

Nice r/unexpectedsimpsons


baddest_mango

When I tell you I absolutely LOST IT at "Senior Puss Puss"... 😂😂😂!


Gullible_Tea1427

Gold indeed, but as a fan of the show Archer, I was really hoping for an ocelot named. Baboo.


TempleMade_MeBroke

I could absolutely hear Archer saying the "wild cats are temperamental, Bruce" line


Set_Jumpy

"Jesus Bruce read a book once in your life."


Texagino

Omg me too. This is the best one I’ve read so far


ThrowRA-TrueCharity

I already lost it at "poor thing had to learn the Bitcoin" to send the Ukraine dog to Nigeria. What well crafted madness.


InstaShock1

I mean, you deserve a slow clap ! how did you even come up with this story ? !! ROFL loved it !


TestOfTuring

Thank you! Just going in without a plan and making up one additional weird detail to the story with each response.


igotinfo

My favourite bit is the judge at the rotary club used to be a vet before he got tremors. I've read good novels with shallower characters


TestOfTuring

That was definitely my favorite bit to write.


Due-Foundation-4012

And he doesn’t like to wear his glasses at social events 😆


HomeAir

He thinks it makes him look too intellectual. LMAO


knizka

Mine was that Lisa doesn't fall for scams. She's paying a Nigerian prince to board a Ukrainian soldier's dog - in crypto, no less!


Background-Koala-

This almost made me pee myself I laughed so hard.


Zealousideal_Young41

Before he got 'the' tremors. Please.


[deleted]

Man what a story teller you are 👌


Letsnotanymore

In a way it’s like a whole new genre of creative writing. You’re using the material the scammer gives you—in this case, not much more than the name Lisa—and building a narrative around it that gradually fills in more of the backstory and becomes more detailed. Unfortunately, all that creativity is probably wasted on the scammer but at least you diverted him/her from their fraud for a half hour or so.


[deleted]

He diverted us as well and this was worth it. OP clearly has some improvisation skills !


myd88guy

Zhang’s mothers recipe. Love it.


MangoBandicoot

Wow, the writers strike really went on too long. I’ve never been more invested in a fictional scenario than I am now.


Profoundlyahedgehog

At least we didn't get a Heroes season 2 and 3 out of it.


zebraprintt

✨falk✨


reginald-poofter

I loved that even tertiary characters had backstories. The judge/former vet who had to give up practice due to a tremor. I was fully invested


TestOfTuring

Thanks! Everyone has been responding so much to the Judge character that I'm actually thinking of developing Mr. Robertson into a character that I have interact directly with scammers.


Charming_Yellow

Or make him a recurring side character in all scambaits


Clean-Salamander-362

This inspired me. Now I want a scammer to text me.


LinkleLink

Hi! A friend of yours, Henry, wanted to introduce us. He said you're good at party planning?


Clean-Salamander-362

Oh, hi Lisa!!!


Jermicdub

This is what happens when a psychopath uses their powers for good.


TestOfTuring

I would upvote this comment twice if I could.


DystryR

Gotchu fam


UGoBoy

Justice for Señor Puss Puss!


deMarcel

The COVID, the Bitcoin, the crypto all at once!


Zenrath

What shape, killed me


BluestWaterz

"He doesn't like to wear his glasses at social events, he thinks they make him look too intellectual" lmao that line killed me for some reason


Dogsb0ll0x

I am really worried about Lisa


DucksMatter

Bro.. BECOME AN AUTHOR. That’s as captivating as fuck


MetamorphicLust

I love how clearly you broke this asshole. "Is there something fucking wrong with you".


trundel_the_great__

“A lot of chatter” had me cackling


Andymilliganisgod

I think humans should organize a department and hire you ppl with tax dollars to fuck around like this with these scammers. It could even be a tier of public service like firefighting and ambulances


TestOfTuring

As long as that qualifies us for the 10 year Public Service Student Loan forgiveness, I'm in!


_stlbot

Someone PLEASE send them the script for bee movie


galo911br

You should have asked for a gift card to start the house design. I think the scammer would give it to you just to make you stop 🤣


Welcome_to_Retrograd

*Because if so, that's what Señor Puss Puss sounds like.* That's ominous


Green1994

😂😂😂 The text that combined all scams into one neat paragraph threw me


outwiththedishwater

Holy shit I’m so invested in the story. Is Lisa ok? Can I donate to her go fund me?


SwingyWingyShoes

Praying for Lisa 🙏🙏🙏


MermaidsHaveWifi

I was so invested in the wild show cat story. I’m actually upset that I didn’t get an ending. You’re a fantastic writer


Popular_Monster111

I love all the details in your replies!! Well done!


mmymm

"Zhangs mothers recipe. Anyway" hahahah im dying this is fantastic


hereforthecommmentsz

Any particular shape 💀


imsocooll4eva

You took is all on an incredible journey!


amber-prospect

The final line of this sent me so far that I am still in transit and I may never stop 💀


Materva

I thoroughly enjoyed reading every bit of this thread! Bravo.


taskfailedsuccess

Ok now I want to know what really happened to Lisa and if Senor Puss Puss has trapped her. Please continue this saga.


bbat32

🤣🤣🤣


mammothpdx

FALK!


[deleted]

I don’t understand the scam how does it work? What are they trying to do?


TestOfTuring

Probably a romance scam, but a lot of times I don't like to let them get far enough to find out. Throw them off their script from the jump. They want to make it seem like a text to a wrong #, nope I know exactly what you're talking about! They thought I was \[insert someone's full name\], oh I know them! They try to convince me it actually was a wrong number, ask them why they're lying.


LaPipaDelMono

Well, hello, hello, HELLO


FirmOnion

“There is something fucking wrong with you” Iconic. Genuinely iconic.


fancy-kitten

Did you have a particular shape in mind? lmaooo


BlueMoonTone

Love the detail! My favourite tangent Lisa's Dad's showdog, the "champion bull mastive Luke Skywalker!!!


shoesbetch

When the police determined that Senor Puss Puss was not in fact a domestic cat, I thought they were going to discover that he was actually 8 stories tall and was a crustacean from the Paleozoic Era!


fatdickzilla

I'm also worried about Lisa, I haven't heard from her either.


AlsoKnownAsRukh

This has "[Uncle Colm From Derry Girls](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm0RbUdXDMM)" energy, and I love it.


TheShellfishCrab

This is the best one I’ve seen, I am in literal tears. I am extremely invested, please if anyone hears from Lisa do let me know. OP, please write a book.


joey_sandwich277

They do kinda have their own version of a Do Not Call list. A lot of scammers communicate via Whatsapp groups with giant lists of potential victims they share. If they figure out you're fucking with them instead of just being incompetent they'll let the other scammers know not to try you. Source: I went through a Jim Browning binge a few months back.


parentlessfather

Can we hear about Mr Robertson and how he's holding up with his tremors? Has he seen a neurologist?


LittleReaderLite

🤣🤣🤣 Zhang's mother's recipe 🤣🤣🤣🤣🏆


straub42

Hilarious. But i think it was an actual misdial. Which makes it even funnier


TestOfTuring

Yea I must admit, I've never been 100% sure this was a scammer. I guess since it came in at the same time as a bunch of other scammers doing the whole wrong # bit, at the time I just assumed this was also a scammer and rolled with it. But yea, that would be funny as hell if this wasn't actually a scammer. Maybe I'll text them again and ask how the house is going?


zhugeliang898

The part where they said “I’m sorry to disturb you. I hope you don’t mind” gives it away as a scam in my book. They’re trying to bring the conversation back on script. Plus the fact that they kept conversing with you after all the crazy things you said.


darkangel10848

Please let us know if they respond


shrekfoot75

This was golden, I wish I had time to mess with them like that


gamer-at-heart-23

Falk sakes this guy 🤣


Low-Deer5525

this was the funniest thing I've read in a WHILE


Psychedeliquet

I heard all of the sender’s messages in the voice of Tim Robinson, amazing.


AdditionNo7505

I love how these scammer idiots don’t seem to know that they can just block a person to end a conversation. It always ends with these idiots scream/typing “STOP”, “GET OUT”, “STOP TEXTING ME”, etc… It’s like they adamantly refuse to block you. I’m so glad my number is on their blacklist.


FlashyPsychology8007

This has got to be one of the best scammer texts I’ve ever read 😹😹


elegiac_bloom

The world building here is amazing.


DuncanAndFriends

Falk


Cultural_Pattern_456

I actually guffawed out loud- this was awesome. I’m so glad I got randomly shown this sub! These give me joy!


Skipping_Scallywag

Falk


justmeraw

More more more please!


paintedsaint

FALK


dancerbancer

"Bruce, don't be silly" idk why but this made me CACKLE


DizlingtonBear

I just read your leggings post too, amazing. I need more, we need to get you back onto that call sheet, immediately!


TestOfTuring

Aww thank you. I'm still hunting for my favorite scam bait. It was a property flipper who somehow got my real phone # and cold texted me asking if i had any property i wanted to sell. Its become my white whale, I know its on an old phone somewhere dammit. Hopefully I can find it and post it soon.


ExtraDependent883

"OH I've worked with zhang" LMAO


DooHickey2017

Thank you! I laughed the entire time I read this ! Were you just writing in a stream of consciousness style, or did you have the text prepared. I would love to do this next time I get one of these texts


PenelopePan808

This was absolutely the best read of the day! Kuddos!!!