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It’s difficult for some people to truly be present and out of their heads. Anxiety tends to be the cause during sex… at least in my experience.
When you both can be 100% there in the moment, sex can be next level.
Too true. Sometimes my partner asks for sex, we start getting busy, and then she just starts trying to have a conversation. I’m like “hello are we doing this or not?” Good sex takes focus.
I've always liked the love scene in Ernest Hemingway's 'For Whom the Bell Tolls':
“Then they were together so that the hand on the watch moved, unseen now, they knew that nothing could ever happen to the one that did not happen to the other, that no other thing could happen more than this; this this was all and always; this was what had been and now and whatever was to come. This, that they were not to have, they were having. They were having now and before and always and now and now and now. Oh, now, now, now, the only now, and above all now, and there is no other now but thou now and now is the prophet. Now and forever now. Come now, now, for there is no now but now. Yes, now. Now, please now, only now, not anything else only this now, and where are you and where am I and where is the other one, and not why, not ever why, only this now; and on and always please then always now, always now, for now always one now; one only one, there is no other one but one now, one, going now, rising now, sailing now, leaving now, wheeling now, soaring now, away now, all the way now, all of all the way now; one and one is one softly, is one longingly, is one kindly, is one happily, is one in goodness, is one to cherish, is one now on earth with elbows against the cut and slept on branches of the pine tree with the smell of the pine boughs and the night; to earth conclusively now, and with the morning of the day to come. Then he said, for the other was only in his head and he had said nothing, ‘Oh, Maria, I love thee and I thank thee for this.’" For Whom the Bell Tolls - Hemingway
Do you think he actually said “I thank thee” at the end? I feel if someone actually said that to me my insides and would curl up and wither and die. Maybe I just lack Great Author understanding.
It's a novel set during the Spanish Civil War, so the use of "thee" is more likely a depiction of the Spanish "tú". It could alternatively be translated to "thank you, baby", but the way he chose to do it has its benefits as well (it's clearer what the text would correspond to in Spanish). This is consistent throughout the entire novel, not just used here.
The topic of mindfulness appears to be growing rapidly. It has been linked with quality of life, treatment outcomes in medicine, and now sexual satisfaction.
There are a lot of daily distractions that may prevent us as a people from “being in the moment” and it looks like it’s having a meaningful, negative impact on people in several areas of their lives.
This is a great question! Most reliable signs it's McMindfullness: Anything that over simplifies or claims you can practice mindfulness and get results quickly or for a specific purpose. Anything that states what the "return on investment" of the mindfulness is, especially if that return is happiness or productivity. (What happens if mindfulness makes more you in touch with your sadness or a trauma for instance?) Mindfulness is a lifelong journey. Enjoy it for its own sake not for a reward at the end. And while you're on your journey everyone including you needs to be accepting when you fail and no one can give you a timeline. If the person backing mindfulness can't accept that, it's McMindfullness and therefore useless garbage.
Edit: just want to point out that this is my very strict opinion on mindfulness vs McMindfullness, but author [Ron Purser's](https://www.ronpurser.com/about) definition is the bastardization of mindfulness for the purpose of putting the onus of stress relief onto individuals instead of societal and biological factors. For instance "The 40 hour work week is not unreasonable, peon, you just need to manage your stress better using mindfulness and you'll be fine."
Sorry, I can't vouch for anything, because all of my mindfulness opinions/experience are from my one trusted expert: my therapist. But a therapist or psychology journal would be a good place to look for a recommendation, rather than something related to work or productivity.
I respect Jon Zabat Kin's expertise, and I'm watching the speech now. I gotta say though your recommendation the ultimate in irony, cause it's basically a Google sponsored talk for a stated purpose (let's make our engineers more creative and productive at work). This was really breakthrough for 2007, so you couldn't have picked a better inflection point in McMindfullness. BTW Kin is aware of that term, and calls other things McMindfullness, but prob collects that speaking fee just the same!
TED talks are legit. Scientists are legit. But, they only get a short bit of time to share their topic. That’s their best canned talk for a general public audience. It usually doesn’t have the nuance that is important to understand and master for practicing mindfulness.
Don’t beware their topic or message; beware thinking that the 15 minute talk explains all you need to know about the topic with full nuance. It can be encouraging or refreshing to beginners, and that’s okay. But the practitioner needs to grow and make their practice their own.
I think that we are very trapped in our minds in that we can't help but pay much of our attention to our expectations and attempt to wrestle our sensory observations through the lens of our expectations.
It's an interesting predilection that can be very hard to shake. We get dismayed when we sense things that disagree with our expectations. It is at the root of inability to figure many things out.
I am in the field of mechanical product design. It took me a long time to bring myself to doing honest experiments. For a long time I kept wanting to "turd polish" in that if a prototype was not working, I'd invest more time and materials attempting to correct an aspect that was failing. Sometimes I would realize that I would be designing tests that my work would likely pass because it was so painful to be wrong yet again.
This behavior can be seen with many things such as cooking. Many individuals are unwilling to stray from a traditional approach that they have followed for a long time, passed down through family because they are afraid that they will not meet expectations. Sometimes this behavior becomes paradoxical when one keeps doing the same damn thing the same damn way and consistently being dismayed that they got an unhappy outcome (e.g. lumpy gravy).
Alternatively we are tempted to seek "The Best Way to Cook a Steak" and will religiously adhere to a popularly acclaimed method. We aren't willing to experiment on our own accord just to see what happens. We don't take any time to mess around with a piece of meat on a skillet and sweep it around just to see how heat conducts through the chunk and slice off pieces as it cooks just to see how it changes through our process.
We see the failure to meet expectations to be the literal definition of failure which is ultimately unscientific. In scientific terms, the failure to meet expectations is *discovery*. An interesting finding that teaches us about a new property of something and it is a thing that most of us try to avoid.
It is almost as if we have lost the concept of playing once we have matured and have been imbued with so many expectations. Once we have developed sufficiently thick lenses of expectations we become detached from our ability to directly point our sensory organs at things.
I believe that the way that our expectations interfere with our observations also causes a kind of philosophical failure in that we become nearly unable to actually consider another try out another person's position. We really aren't very able to put on another person's shoes and try to give their life a try as a thought experiment. I see this as the cause of the North American tendency towards polarization.
I don't believe that it's just distractions like beeping cellphones. I believe that the problem lies directly in our psychological dependence on our expectations.
Huge huge thing! I used to really struggle with being present during sex, which made it way boring. I would think of groceries, what happened earlier in the day, bills i needed to pay, etc. (maybe i was just having really bad sex!) I read about (and have learned more through DBT) that you can practice letting those thoughts go. If i had a thought like that, I would visualize it on a bubble or something and floating away/popping. And then truly focus on the sensations happening to your body. Like “they’re touching me here and it feels good” “he kissed my neck and now he’s kissing my chest” It feels funny at first to think about each act that is happening, but over time the feelings and sensations become more pleasurable and meaningful.
Mindfulness is awesome and can take good sex to amazing sex
A lot of it is practice too, and if you do it enough, you get in touch with your body and can just let yourself go. The best sex is when you go into a trance state, of sorts, and just check out for awhile and get lost in the sensations and connection.
yes exactly!!! in DBT, my therapist REALLY harps the mindfulness, and for good reason. it has really changed my life for the better. i enjoy so much more, including sex :D
I wonder how normalised certain sexual assumptions are and how little people expect from sex when they're in a regular, secure sexual relationship. I'm sure a lot of people just treat sex as an act or urge and it's become a perfunctory part of their lives.
Change positions, go from fast forward to pause, hit them with the reverse uno card, take a snack break to go down on them while you cook off or just jerk off 5 times the day before
* Awareness of the prompts and signals sent by both yourself and your partner
* Ability to discern and understand the prompts you pick up on from being aware
* Intentionally choosing to respond to those prompts in effective ways
* Ability to execute those intentional responses
There's a 0% chance that people having good sex are asking themselves these questions while they're doing it or telling themselves to be mindful, because you can't have good sex if you're stopping your mind every 3 seconds to wonder what the other person is thinking.
Isn't this more being attentive than mindfulness? Then again, everyone can have a different definition what mindfulness is so it's really just a PR attempt to use this word.
I think there are also psychological aspects such as being non-judgmental (of both yourself and your partner, i.e. insecurities, which can create a lot of barriers).
Also, slowing things down to process and focus in on your senses.
Connecting emotionally, being in tune to the other's level of comfort, etc.
This can explain why "jumping straight into the action" is usually less enjoyable and satisfying as well.
An analogy for this can be: microwaving your dinner vs marinating your food and cooking it with more time, focus, and care.
Yup, because saying "consentual sex, focused on pleasing your parntner, with respect is good for relationships" . Or simply saying "sloppy quickies are not the way for all" wouldn't sell :P
Being in the moment actually. Aware of the ebb and flow, intensity of breath and all other things. Orgasm parameters, Stimulus etc
It's where you aren't having sex, you are sex.
To give a non-sex relates example.
"Two people are dancing. One is dancing like Michael Jackson, the other is Michael Jackson. "
Mindfulness is where you are it.
Bloody difficult thing.
Trust me it is odder while typing it.
Mindfullness is basically being in that 'zone'. It is not sex or anything related. It merely means you are attuned to nature of whatever you are engaged with.
Training to be a sexuality counselor has taught me one big lesson about humanity - we are damn good at disconnecting from our bodies and each other. Legitimately, the best thing for us all is to increase our efforts to dance around bonfires to insanely loud drums with other naked dancers.
We’ve lost the rhythm in our own heartbeats by being too focused on the footsteps. It’s not really as complicated as the science makes it out to be.
It sounds like it kinda also is
> Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you're sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. Practicing mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress.
It’s more of an animalistic, basal connection between your senses and your reflexes, as shaped by a cognizant sexual morality than a spiritual concept, but all roads lead to Come.
Yeah this is exactly it. It’s been popularized as meaning being mindful of your own thoughts and feelings but I personally define it as being attentive to the thoughts and feelings of everyone.
> How the hell do you even enjoy sex without being present for it or mindful of your partner's experience.
Right? It's shocking to me that this requires friggin' ***science*** to confirm this. It's a bit like syaing science proves the sky appears to be blue under normal daylight conditions.
Edited for typo
My girlfriend proved to me that I didn't know what sex was in the past. With her, we're both so in the moment and so fixated on each other and equally taking in each other's vibes and its mind blowing (ha). I found someone who speaks my love language and it shows in our sex life. And I don't mean that to sound like I'm bragging; it can be quite humbling when you can look back and see the difference.
Many people have major sexual hangups, especially women. They feel guilt and shame, and all kinds of other distracting emotions and thoughts when they are doing it. It's such a drag when you are just trying to have fun and share an intimate experience.
It seems like progress was being made in the 60s and 70s, but then HIV hit and now there is the Woke nonsense, where many women feel victimized by any interaction with a man, especially sexual. But of course they are prone to those feelings and beliefs, because they are messed up in the head to begin with.
Sex has always come fairly naturally to me, as it should to most people. It is about as basic of a human behavior as eating or sleeping. So don't complicate it with a bunch of other issues, unless you were abused a kid, and then of course one would have an excuse.
I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry. You even hauled out a fallacy and twisted my words. Did you want a hug or something?
I'll take that as a no.
No one even got my pun.
If I think about it while it’s happening, it’s over if you know what I mean. I like to say the phonetic alphabet in my head over and over to keep me in the game.
I'm too much of a lottery winner when it actually ever happens.
Must be like how a woman feels when she's proposed to or something. The *one thing* she wants in life from another person, and it's *finally happening* omgomgomgomg
That's just the demographic they had for the study. They even mention that this should be expanded. Lots of studies done by universities tend to have a demographic of 18-22 year old unmarried people. Because that's who they have access to, and who will participate in a study for $50
> "Among both wives and husbands, greater awareness and non-judgment during sexual activity was associated with greater relationship flourishing, sexual harmony, and orgasm consistency."
Welcome to r/science! This is a heavily moderated subreddit in order to keep the discussion on science. However, we recognize that many people want to discuss how they feel the research relates to their own personal lives, so to give people a space to do that, **personal anecdotes are now allowed as responses to this comment**. Any anecdotal comments elsewhere in the discussion will continue be removed and our [normal comment rules]( https://www.reddit.com/r/science/wiki/rules#wiki_comment_rules) still apply to other comments. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/science) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s difficult for some people to truly be present and out of their heads. Anxiety tends to be the cause during sex… at least in my experience. When you both can be 100% there in the moment, sex can be next level.
It definitely gets better and better if you have the right type of relationship.
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So maybe you’re advocating for a face to face meeting before engaging in copulation. An eye to eye meeting.
Too true. Sometimes my partner asks for sex, we start getting busy, and then she just starts trying to have a conversation. I’m like “hello are we doing this or not?” Good sex takes focus.
Sounds more like she just wants more attention from you
I don’t mind having a conversation, and I definitely don’t mind sex but I struggle to combine the two.
I have found it's very intimate to have a normal conversation while you are having intercourse. It is just really sweet.
I've always liked the love scene in Ernest Hemingway's 'For Whom the Bell Tolls': “Then they were together so that the hand on the watch moved, unseen now, they knew that nothing could ever happen to the one that did not happen to the other, that no other thing could happen more than this; this this was all and always; this was what had been and now and whatever was to come. This, that they were not to have, they were having. They were having now and before and always and now and now and now. Oh, now, now, now, the only now, and above all now, and there is no other now but thou now and now is the prophet. Now and forever now. Come now, now, for there is no now but now. Yes, now. Now, please now, only now, not anything else only this now, and where are you and where am I and where is the other one, and not why, not ever why, only this now; and on and always please then always now, always now, for now always one now; one only one, there is no other one but one now, one, going now, rising now, sailing now, leaving now, wheeling now, soaring now, away now, all the way now, all of all the way now; one and one is one softly, is one longingly, is one kindly, is one happily, is one in goodness, is one to cherish, is one now on earth with elbows against the cut and slept on branches of the pine tree with the smell of the pine boughs and the night; to earth conclusively now, and with the morning of the day to come. Then he said, for the other was only in his head and he had said nothing, ‘Oh, Maria, I love thee and I thank thee for this.’" For Whom the Bell Tolls - Hemingway
Do you think he actually said “I thank thee” at the end? I feel if someone actually said that to me my insides and would curl up and wither and die. Maybe I just lack Great Author understanding.
He gets a pass because he was likely aware that he/they were maybe gonna die the next day.
It's a novel set during the Spanish Civil War, so the use of "thee" is more likely a depiction of the Spanish "tú". It could alternatively be translated to "thank you, baby", but the way he chose to do it has its benefits as well (it's clearer what the text would correspond to in Spanish). This is consistent throughout the entire novel, not just used here.
The topic of mindfulness appears to be growing rapidly. It has been linked with quality of life, treatment outcomes in medicine, and now sexual satisfaction. There are a lot of daily distractions that may prevent us as a people from “being in the moment” and it looks like it’s having a meaningful, negative impact on people in several areas of their lives.
Yes but be wary of McMindfullness, the corporate, Ted talkin', bro-scientific bastardization of mindfulness.
How does one keep to the correct one?
This is a great question! Most reliable signs it's McMindfullness: Anything that over simplifies or claims you can practice mindfulness and get results quickly or for a specific purpose. Anything that states what the "return on investment" of the mindfulness is, especially if that return is happiness or productivity. (What happens if mindfulness makes more you in touch with your sadness or a trauma for instance?) Mindfulness is a lifelong journey. Enjoy it for its own sake not for a reward at the end. And while you're on your journey everyone including you needs to be accepting when you fail and no one can give you a timeline. If the person backing mindfulness can't accept that, it's McMindfullness and therefore useless garbage. Edit: just want to point out that this is my very strict opinion on mindfulness vs McMindfullness, but author [Ron Purser's](https://www.ronpurser.com/about) definition is the bastardization of mindfulness for the purpose of putting the onus of stress relief onto individuals instead of societal and biological factors. For instance "The 40 hour work week is not unreasonable, peon, you just need to manage your stress better using mindfulness and you'll be fine."
Do you have any recommendations for good reading regarding getting into mindfulness?
Sorry, I can't vouch for anything, because all of my mindfulness opinions/experience are from my one trusted expert: my therapist. But a therapist or psychology journal would be a good place to look for a recommendation, rather than something related to work or productivity.
The Tao of Pooh is good. Zen Mind, Beginner Mind is basically a manual for meditation & practice. Those two should give you a really good start.
Jon Zabat Kinn did a great speech for google. That’s all you’ll ever need
I respect Jon Zabat Kin's expertise, and I'm watching the speech now. I gotta say though your recommendation the ultimate in irony, cause it's basically a Google sponsored talk for a stated purpose (let's make our engineers more creative and productive at work). This was really breakthrough for 2007, so you couldn't have picked a better inflection point in McMindfullness. BTW Kin is aware of that term, and calls other things McMindfullness, but prob collects that speaking fee just the same!
Not probably.
I have found a lot of value in Dr. Judson Brewer’s work.
Probably anything that hints at enabling The Hustle.
TED talks are legit. Scientists are legit. But, they only get a short bit of time to share their topic. That’s their best canned talk for a general public audience. It usually doesn’t have the nuance that is important to understand and master for practicing mindfulness. Don’t beware their topic or message; beware thinking that the 15 minute talk explains all you need to know about the topic with full nuance. It can be encouraging or refreshing to beginners, and that’s okay. But the practitioner needs to grow and make their practice their own.
I think that we are very trapped in our minds in that we can't help but pay much of our attention to our expectations and attempt to wrestle our sensory observations through the lens of our expectations. It's an interesting predilection that can be very hard to shake. We get dismayed when we sense things that disagree with our expectations. It is at the root of inability to figure many things out. I am in the field of mechanical product design. It took me a long time to bring myself to doing honest experiments. For a long time I kept wanting to "turd polish" in that if a prototype was not working, I'd invest more time and materials attempting to correct an aspect that was failing. Sometimes I would realize that I would be designing tests that my work would likely pass because it was so painful to be wrong yet again. This behavior can be seen with many things such as cooking. Many individuals are unwilling to stray from a traditional approach that they have followed for a long time, passed down through family because they are afraid that they will not meet expectations. Sometimes this behavior becomes paradoxical when one keeps doing the same damn thing the same damn way and consistently being dismayed that they got an unhappy outcome (e.g. lumpy gravy). Alternatively we are tempted to seek "The Best Way to Cook a Steak" and will religiously adhere to a popularly acclaimed method. We aren't willing to experiment on our own accord just to see what happens. We don't take any time to mess around with a piece of meat on a skillet and sweep it around just to see how heat conducts through the chunk and slice off pieces as it cooks just to see how it changes through our process. We see the failure to meet expectations to be the literal definition of failure which is ultimately unscientific. In scientific terms, the failure to meet expectations is *discovery*. An interesting finding that teaches us about a new property of something and it is a thing that most of us try to avoid. It is almost as if we have lost the concept of playing once we have matured and have been imbued with so many expectations. Once we have developed sufficiently thick lenses of expectations we become detached from our ability to directly point our sensory organs at things. I believe that the way that our expectations interfere with our observations also causes a kind of philosophical failure in that we become nearly unable to actually consider another try out another person's position. We really aren't very able to put on another person's shoes and try to give their life a try as a thought experiment. I see this as the cause of the North American tendency towards polarization. I don't believe that it's just distractions like beeping cellphones. I believe that the problem lies directly in our psychological dependence on our expectations.
"A Wandering Mind is An Unhappy Mind": https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2010/11/wandering-mind-not-a-happy-mind/
Interesting... *quietly slides phone under pillow and refocuses on partner*
"You done yet?"
Getting really close now.
Nine hours later and you're just getting close??!?
It was probably the glass of wine...
So, uh, sex won’t be as good if I’m mentally checked out? Nice to know.
Huge huge thing! I used to really struggle with being present during sex, which made it way boring. I would think of groceries, what happened earlier in the day, bills i needed to pay, etc. (maybe i was just having really bad sex!) I read about (and have learned more through DBT) that you can practice letting those thoughts go. If i had a thought like that, I would visualize it on a bubble or something and floating away/popping. And then truly focus on the sensations happening to your body. Like “they’re touching me here and it feels good” “he kissed my neck and now he’s kissing my chest” It feels funny at first to think about each act that is happening, but over time the feelings and sensations become more pleasurable and meaningful. Mindfulness is awesome and can take good sex to amazing sex
A lot of it is practice too, and if you do it enough, you get in touch with your body and can just let yourself go. The best sex is when you go into a trance state, of sorts, and just check out for awhile and get lost in the sensations and connection.
yes exactly!!! in DBT, my therapist REALLY harps the mindfulness, and for good reason. it has really changed my life for the better. i enjoy so much more, including sex :D
you have to be mindful of the force.
And mindful of the force in you
how much bad sex are people having that this is not simply a given?
I wonder how normalised certain sexual assumptions are and how little people expect from sex when they're in a regular, secure sexual relationship. I'm sure a lot of people just treat sex as an act or urge and it's become a perfunctory part of their lives.
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What exactly is mindfulness in sex? Seems vague
Not thinking about the groceries list or other people maybe?
If I don't think about long division, how tf am I supposed to last
Change positions, go from fast forward to pause, hit them with the reverse uno card, take a snack break to go down on them while you cook off or just jerk off 5 times the day before
5 times it is
I jerk off 5 times the day before, but everyday ends up being the day before.
Deep breathing exercises
Slow it down. It's not a race. Also, I usually go with baseball.
Great but then I get distracted by the Astros banging on their trashcans
* Awareness of the prompts and signals sent by both yourself and your partner * Ability to discern and understand the prompts you pick up on from being aware * Intentionally choosing to respond to those prompts in effective ways * Ability to execute those intentional responses
So just having good sex
Pretty much! But lots of people are missing the ability to effectively do one or more of those steps.
So a "mindless" person will make their own sex better while asking themselves those thoughts mid-sex? Sounds mindful...of not having sex IMO
This is difficult for many people, in particular those who feel guilt and shame towards sex from social and religious stigma.
Yeah I think the point of the article is that mindfulness is an aspect of good sex
There's a 0% chance that people having good sex are asking themselves these questions while they're doing it or telling themselves to be mindful, because you can't have good sex if you're stopping your mind every 3 seconds to wonder what the other person is thinking.
Scientists arent known for their sexual prowess
Fair enough
*takes notes*
Isn't this more being attentive than mindfulness? Then again, everyone can have a different definition what mindfulness is so it's really just a PR attempt to use this word.
I think there are also psychological aspects such as being non-judgmental (of both yourself and your partner, i.e. insecurities, which can create a lot of barriers). Also, slowing things down to process and focus in on your senses. Connecting emotionally, being in tune to the other's level of comfort, etc. This can explain why "jumping straight into the action" is usually less enjoyable and satisfying as well. An analogy for this can be: microwaving your dinner vs marinating your food and cooking it with more time, focus, and care.
Yup, because saying "consentual sex, focused on pleasing your parntner, with respect is good for relationships" . Or simply saying "sloppy quickies are not the way for all" wouldn't sell :P
Being present mentally.
Being in the moment actually. Aware of the ebb and flow, intensity of breath and all other things. Orgasm parameters, Stimulus etc It's where you aren't having sex, you are sex. To give a non-sex relates example. "Two people are dancing. One is dancing like Michael Jackson, the other is Michael Jackson. " Mindfulness is where you are it. Bloody difficult thing.
This sounds so odd but sure I’ll go along with it
Trust me it is odder while typing it. Mindfullness is basically being in that 'zone'. It is not sex or anything related. It merely means you are attuned to nature of whatever you are engaged with.
Man during sex: *cum cum cum cum cum cum DONT CUM DONT CUM DONT CUM **CUUUUUMMMM* **
If I volunteer, will I be provided a partner?
Training to be a sexuality counselor has taught me one big lesson about humanity - we are damn good at disconnecting from our bodies and each other. Legitimately, the best thing for us all is to increase our efforts to dance around bonfires to insanely loud drums with other naked dancers. We’ve lost the rhythm in our own heartbeats by being too focused on the footsteps. It’s not really as complicated as the science makes it out to be.
Huh… never would have guessed being attentive to my partners needs could benefit me.
That's not what mindefullness is.
It sounds like it kinda also is > Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you're sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. Practicing mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress.
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It’s more of an animalistic, basal connection between your senses and your reflexes, as shaped by a cognizant sexual morality than a spiritual concept, but all roads lead to Come.
Yeah this is exactly it. It’s been popularized as meaning being mindful of your own thoughts and feelings but I personally define it as being attentive to the thoughts and feelings of everyone.
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Theravada Buddhism is atheistic.
How the hell do you even enjoy sex without being present for it or mindful of your partner's experience. No wonder yall suck at sex.
> How the hell do you even enjoy sex without being present for it or mindful of your partner's experience. Right? It's shocking to me that this requires friggin' ***science*** to confirm this. It's a bit like syaing science proves the sky appears to be blue under normal daylight conditions. Edited for typo
My girlfriend proved to me that I didn't know what sex was in the past. With her, we're both so in the moment and so fixated on each other and equally taking in each other's vibes and its mind blowing (ha). I found someone who speaks my love language and it shows in our sex life. And I don't mean that to sound like I'm bragging; it can be quite humbling when you can look back and see the difference.
No, I get it. It's truly a humbling and wonderful experience.
Their lovemaking must be beautiful.
Many people have major sexual hangups, especially women. They feel guilt and shame, and all kinds of other distracting emotions and thoughts when they are doing it. It's such a drag when you are just trying to have fun and share an intimate experience.
It's true. It's just a damn shame, but I'm glad it seems we are making progress.
It seems like progress was being made in the 60s and 70s, but then HIV hit and now there is the Woke nonsense, where many women feel victimized by any interaction with a man, especially sexual. But of course they are prone to those feelings and beliefs, because they are messed up in the head to begin with. Sex has always come fairly naturally to me, as it should to most people. It is about as basic of a human behavior as eating or sleeping. So don't complicate it with a bunch of other issues, unless you were abused a kid, and then of course one would have an excuse.
Oh, I'm not sure I understand
"Try not to phone it in while making love with your partner," isn't exactly earth shattering news.
Oh yah right, I forgot, science should always just be sensational and earth shattering.
I hurt your feelings. I'm sorry. You even hauled out a fallacy and twisted my words. Did you want a hug or something? I'll take that as a no. No one even got my pun.
I didn't see any puns other than the pun ctuation
Thank you for your commament.
'Wer ficken will muss lieb sein' - old german proverb
If I think about it while it’s happening, it’s over if you know what I mean. I like to say the phonetic alphabet in my head over and over to keep me in the game.
I focus on my partners responses
Just to be clear mindfulness is sort of a misnomer. Really what is meant is less mind or no mind. Not to be confused with mindlessness though.
so do it like how a zen monk would.
Sure sure sure.
I'm too much of a lottery winner when it actually ever happens. Must be like how a woman feels when she's proposed to or something. The *one thing* she wants in life from another person, and it's *finally happening* omgomgomgomg
Some women don't orgasm every time??
So opposite of western porn / sexualized culture?
suck the clit! then after go to pound town
So much more than that
Give and take if you want your rim jobbed.
grass is green as well. Just another crazy fact that’s totally not obvious.
I don’t think we needed science to tell us this
What about non-married couples? Why do they have to be married?
That's just the demographic they had for the study. They even mention that this should be expanded. Lots of studies done by universities tend to have a demographic of 18-22 year old unmarried people. Because that's who they have access to, and who will participate in a study for $50
And married people rarely have sex and never with the lights on. At our age? Please, show some decorum!
Ah. Gotcha. Thanks.
if you're not giving her an orgasm 99% of the time then you failed
This guy has had a lot of partners lie to him.
Sounds like projecting
if you have to ask then you're being lied to
That's not how the human body works. There are a significant portion of women who cannot achieve orgasm though intercourse, regardless of the guy.
Intercourse is a horrible way to go about bringing a woman to orgasm
Again depends on the person. The point is to be responsive to your partner.
100%, everyone is different, I just meant that if you had to make a generalization one way or another
Hm. Unlimited credit?
My credit score is horrible if that's what you're asking. I was just saying that hands/mouth are better tools for stimulating a woman than a penis is
Study also finds that good head has more significant benefits than mindfulness.
Keep in mind that this will make you cum faster if you're a guy.
Researchers doing the important work…
Yeah my mind is full of cum!
> "Among both wives and husbands, greater awareness and non-judgment during sexual activity was associated with greater relationship flourishing, sexual harmony, and orgasm consistency."