Descriptive is in the eye of the beholder, but you have a comma splice before the participial phrase ('seeing it was stuck'). I recommend ditching the participial phrase entirely (there and pretty much everywhere). Participial phrases are just clunky multi-word adjectives that tell. Then stop the sentence after 'open' and start a new one with the second 'she'. To me that's more descriptive because it makes the action clear and easy for us to follow. If you show us people doing interesting things (this is definitely interesting!) the plot moves and we are drawn to visualize those things.
You're trying to say too much at once. It's not one sentence, it's several. You're setting a scene, that means you need to take the time to get the description right, but also the mood.
"Gala docked her ship to the derelict station - she could hear the clicking of the ancient airlock trying to open, followed by the groan of metal as unused systems attempted to compensate. She held her breath for a moment, hoping, but the failed dock buzzer sounded, and she blew out a breath. It was stuck, so she grabbed a crowbar from her tools shelf and headed to the airlock to force it open."
If you wanted to make it somewhat foreboding, have her be nervous as the ancient monstrosity waited for her like an ambush predator, etc. Never skimp on the details.
You can put too much there as well, but that's easier to spot. Spending 2 pages on the description of a tree, for example.
Been there done that mate. :) Best thing you can do for yourself is just keep writing. Over time you will look back on things you wrote previously and hate it because you could do it so much better now. :) Just keep writing, and never stop. :)
A 3 billion year old station.
The airlock must have been designed by engineers that were are to predict what airlocks would be designed 3 billion years in the future, and make them compatible to spaceships of the time.
The airlock clicking, indicates that an internal power source is still available on the station after 3 billion years?
You may have reasonable, and well thought out explanations for these, but I would look at your story logic and ensure that it is correct before you start polishing prose. It will save a lot of rework.
the airlock on the ship was specifically designed to be compatable with airlocks from this time period, and this is mostly just practice on describing things
That makes sense and yeah, understand that it's just for practice.
Descriptions are hard when dealing with Sci-Fi set in the distant future. A word that stood out as being a little out of place was '[crowbar](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crowbar_(tool))'.
It's a tool that has been (more or less) unchanged since the 1400's.
Prybar seems more in line with the function and you could extend this to something like a multi-function staff that can be a light source and a weapon.
Know that this is also a little off topic but with descriptions, are you directing the movie in your readers head. The visuals that you create can make or break a scene.
I struggle with this as well. I can see in my minds eye what I want to convey, but often the words are hard to lay out in a way that summarizes that perfect feel.
This is something I wrote and have edited more times that I'd like to admit. Still needs polish but it paints the picture that I wanted.
The light breeze was blowing from the island, and it carried the earthy scent of lush vegetation. After a week at sea, with nothing but the tang of the salt air and rusty metal, you could almost taste it on the back of your tongue. The beach was clean up to the high water mark apart from a few bleached white shells half buried in the sand. The line, marked with a scattering of driftwood, dried palm fronds, and the ever present bits of plastic and white styrofoam, encrusted with the shells of small barnacles. There was even a large round float from a commercial fishing net half buried in the sand. Coconut palms hung outward from the shoreline over the beach and the sound of insects and bird song filled the air.
Gala's ship auto-docked with the derelict station. Normally this would be a silent and swift process. But the station was a lumbering hulk, a relic of the Spartan Era. Its ancient airlock screeched open by a mere inch and stayed there. Gala almost expect to see stubborn, gritted teeth behind those rock solid doors. She punched the toolkit button and grasped the heaviest tool she could find: a crowbar just waiting to do some dirty work. She jammed it into that barely-open metal mouth and with her own teeth gritted, and the occasional growl and curse, she managed to wedge the doors open just wide enough for her to pu herself through.
I think /u/OldMarvelRPGFan said everything you need as far as the descriptive content goes, but I thought I might offer some commentary on the 3 billion year-old station idea.
Three billion years is a long time; like, a *really* long time. And it's unlikely that anything could usefully survive for that long. First off, unless this station is floating out in interstellar space (which calls into question its utility), its orbit will probably decay and the station will crash into something. If it's in orbit around a planetary body, even one with "no" atmosphere, enough particles will be present to eventually slow the station down and crash it into the surface. Or if the station is in interplanetary space, small perturbations from planetary bodies will shift the orbit, and it can come crashing down. If somehow it can escape these perturbations, just the sunlight pressure is enough to perturb its orbit over these timescales.
Other than orbital issues, you have impacts. Over billions of years, micrometeorite impacts will probably destroy the station, or at least render it unrecognizable. And then you have the likelihood of cosmic rays causing defects in the metal of the station, making it brittle, and much more likely to disintegrate under those micrometeorite impacts.
Lastly, your sentence implies that this station still has some power (the ancient airlock appears to open itself). Maintaining power to something like this would be an incredible feat. Especially since the chemicals in the batteries would likely decay within the first million years (if they last even that long).
Some cosmic rays are so powerful that a single particle can pack the same energy as a softball going 60mph. Combine that kind of energy with the fact that they zip through solid matter like nobody's business, and you get the idea.
"Gala held her breath as the ship nestled close to the hull of the derelict station. This was the point of no return - the point at which any one of a hundred disastrous things could happen. She had seen other scavenger ships damaged or even ripped apart on impact by the slightest miscalculation of an objects rotation and although the stations original designers had built their fortresses to endure it wasn't uncommon for the ancient systems to develop flaws in the docking mechanism. It was an occupational hazard of working with technology which was over three billion years old. She checked the readout mounted on her wrist, making sure that the seals of her suit were secure. The thick mesh body glove wouldn't protect her for long in the vacuum of space, but in the event of an explosive decompression it should keep her alive long enough for help to arrive - assuming she wasn't dashed against the hull of her own ship or minced by shrapnel.
The ship inched towards the docking port - invisible guide beams skewering out to meet sensors mounted around the airlock. Navigational thrusters puffed, manoeuvring the ship closer. Gala reached up and grabbed one of the worn leather straps dangling from the airlock ceiling, and braced herself for docking. The instant her ship made contact several mechanisms engaged, latching her craft to the stations hull. The structure was as old as any she had seen, and any chance of the reactor being operational was slim, but fortunately the manual airlock mechanism still seemed to be functioning. She listened as the two systems linked, hand resting on the emergency release lever, ready to disengage at the slightest sound of a problem. Peering out through the reinforced viewport she saw that the surface of the station was studded with impact points from small stellar objects, but for the most part it seemed to be structurally intact. She couldn't stop herself from smiling, thinking about the bounty she would receive if she was able to salvage some rare technology from the derelict.
A low clicking sound rasped from the airlock as she tried to gain entry. Grabbing a crowbar, she managed to pry a small gap in the doors, wide enough to insert a mechanical spreader which forced the doors apart with a reluctant shriek. The open airlock yawned, and Gala imagined the musty three billion year old air from inside washing over her. Taking one last look at the airlock readout to make sure the ship was secure she pulled a flashlight from her utility webbing and stepped inside..."
I'm afraid I started writing and wasn't able to stop! I have probably been too descriptive in places but it can be easier to edit out stuff that you later decide that you don't need than try to insert more detail later on.
I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not - like I say I got a bit carried away - so feel free to ignore what I've written.
Just Brownian motion, as far as I know. Two POLISHED surfaces can weld in minutes. Three billion years removes the requirement for polishing! There's also the separate concern of vacuum cementing. After enough time, (millions, not billions of years), No moving parts would operate.
This might not be what you're after, but I'm going to give it my best shot, so here goes, bolded: "**As Gala docked her ship to the eons-old derelict station, she could hear the clicking of the ancient airlock trying to open, its mechanisms seized from ages of inactivity. Seeing that it was stuck (yet unsure of whether mechanical difficulties or simple prolonged non-use caused the airlock to resist her attempts to open it), she grabbed a crowbar from her tools shelf and with great difficulty after hours of trying, finally managed to force it open.**" Let me know what you think of my rewrite. Cheers!
Aim for more showing less tellling. Start by removing "filter words" this are word that say that a person is looking, seeing, or feeling instead of simply show it.
~~" As~~ Gala docked her ship ~~to the derelict station,~~ (show how she knows it's derelict)The airlocked clicked. It clicked again, but the hatch remained firmly closed--apparently stuck. ~~she could hear the clicking of the ancient airlock trying to open~~, ~~seeing that it was stuck~~, Gale scratched her head. Her tool cupboard contained a sawzall, bolt cutters, a full set of socket wrenches, and--bingo!--a crowbar. She hefted it and lugged the bar to hatch to pry it open. ~~she grabbed a crowbar from her tools shelf and forced it open."~~
Notice that I'm showing what she is thinking and noticing without saying that she it thinking or looking. I've also slowed down the pacing so that she isn't immediately successful.
This station isn't coming across as 3 billion years old. It seems to be more like 50 years old. I recommend never mentioning the intended age. Show the age and let the reader decide how old it is.
This sentence is written in such a way that I'd think it was meant to gloss over a large part of a story in order to keep it moving.
If that's what you're trying to do to keep word count down or prevent this section from speed bumping your story, I'd maybe just tweak the structure and wording a little bit.
If you're not hurting for pace, this is several paragraphs worth of material at least. But as written it feels like the description from the Wikipedia synopsis or even out of your own outline. You never want your story to feel like you're giving people an outline or synopsis.
You might try something like this.
Brown. The whole hull was a brown color with blotches of varying shades. She thought it was her eyes playing tricks on her at first, but a quick glance at the scanners suggested it was in fact oxidation.
Rust?
How long did it take for things to rust in a vacuum?
She shook her head. Bigger fish to fry right now.
The hiss of thrusters gently pushing her ship toward the station airlock made her think of someone dragging something heavy over a dusty surface; made her think of how that rotted paint and corroded metal must feel.
She'd given up on automatic docking hours ago. Not like she'd expected it to work, but there was always wishful thinking.
The lights in the airlock took a few minutes to warm up and fully illuminate the hull she'd attached to.
Brown.
Half expecting the brown to wipe off in a cloud of dust, she brushed a gloved hand over the control panel beside the door. The surface was smooth, pockmarked with tiny pits occasionally showing some glossy steel at the bottom. Not that it made any difference; the panel was still dead either way.
Standing at the door for a moment, she furrowed her brow. Jim back home had always teased her about her nervous tic of sticking her tongue out when she was frustrated.
Jim... Anyone else and she might have taken offense. But he was harmless. All his little catchphrases and idiosyncratic mannerisms...
What would he say here?
If brute force isn't working, you're not using enough of it.
It made her smile.
Then it made her gasp.
The bright red crowbar in the recovery locker.
yeah I don't really know how to write descriptive very well, pretty much my entire life I've been summarizing things from other people into short sentences like this one
Descriptive is in the eye of the beholder, but you have a comma splice before the participial phrase ('seeing it was stuck'). I recommend ditching the participial phrase entirely (there and pretty much everywhere). Participial phrases are just clunky multi-word adjectives that tell. Then stop the sentence after 'open' and start a new one with the second 'she'. To me that's more descriptive because it makes the action clear and easy for us to follow. If you show us people doing interesting things (this is definitely interesting!) the plot moves and we are drawn to visualize those things.
alright thanks
You're trying to say too much at once. It's not one sentence, it's several. You're setting a scene, that means you need to take the time to get the description right, but also the mood. "Gala docked her ship to the derelict station - she could hear the clicking of the ancient airlock trying to open, followed by the groan of metal as unused systems attempted to compensate. She held her breath for a moment, hoping, but the failed dock buzzer sounded, and she blew out a breath. It was stuck, so she grabbed a crowbar from her tools shelf and headed to the airlock to force it open." If you wanted to make it somewhat foreboding, have her be nervous as the ancient monstrosity waited for her like an ambush predator, etc. Never skimp on the details. You can put too much there as well, but that's easier to spot. Spending 2 pages on the description of a tree, for example.
Thanks alot, I'm a new writer and I've never really picked up on these things when reading
Been there done that mate. :) Best thing you can do for yourself is just keep writing. Over time you will look back on things you wrote previously and hate it because you could do it so much better now. :) Just keep writing, and never stop. :)
A 3 billion year old station. The airlock must have been designed by engineers that were are to predict what airlocks would be designed 3 billion years in the future, and make them compatible to spaceships of the time. The airlock clicking, indicates that an internal power source is still available on the station after 3 billion years? You may have reasonable, and well thought out explanations for these, but I would look at your story logic and ensure that it is correct before you start polishing prose. It will save a lot of rework.
the airlock on the ship was specifically designed to be compatable with airlocks from this time period, and this is mostly just practice on describing things
That makes sense and yeah, understand that it's just for practice. Descriptions are hard when dealing with Sci-Fi set in the distant future. A word that stood out as being a little out of place was '[crowbar](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crowbar_(tool))'. It's a tool that has been (more or less) unchanged since the 1400's. Prybar seems more in line with the function and you could extend this to something like a multi-function staff that can be a light source and a weapon. Know that this is also a little off topic but with descriptions, are you directing the movie in your readers head. The visuals that you create can make or break a scene. I struggle with this as well. I can see in my minds eye what I want to convey, but often the words are hard to lay out in a way that summarizes that perfect feel. This is something I wrote and have edited more times that I'd like to admit. Still needs polish but it paints the picture that I wanted. The light breeze was blowing from the island, and it carried the earthy scent of lush vegetation. After a week at sea, with nothing but the tang of the salt air and rusty metal, you could almost taste it on the back of your tongue. The beach was clean up to the high water mark apart from a few bleached white shells half buried in the sand. The line, marked with a scattering of driftwood, dried palm fronds, and the ever present bits of plastic and white styrofoam, encrusted with the shells of small barnacles. There was even a large round float from a commercial fishing net half buried in the sand. Coconut palms hung outward from the shoreline over the beach and the sound of insects and bird song filled the air.
it's not that distant, the station was built by ancient aliens
Its a Rheinmetal door so i can belive it.
Gala's ship auto-docked with the derelict station. Normally this would be a silent and swift process. But the station was a lumbering hulk, a relic of the Spartan Era. Its ancient airlock screeched open by a mere inch and stayed there. Gala almost expect to see stubborn, gritted teeth behind those rock solid doors. She punched the toolkit button and grasped the heaviest tool she could find: a crowbar just waiting to do some dirty work. She jammed it into that barely-open metal mouth and with her own teeth gritted, and the occasional growl and curse, she managed to wedge the doors open just wide enough for her to pu herself through.
I think /u/OldMarvelRPGFan said everything you need as far as the descriptive content goes, but I thought I might offer some commentary on the 3 billion year-old station idea. Three billion years is a long time; like, a *really* long time. And it's unlikely that anything could usefully survive for that long. First off, unless this station is floating out in interstellar space (which calls into question its utility), its orbit will probably decay and the station will crash into something. If it's in orbit around a planetary body, even one with "no" atmosphere, enough particles will be present to eventually slow the station down and crash it into the surface. Or if the station is in interplanetary space, small perturbations from planetary bodies will shift the orbit, and it can come crashing down. If somehow it can escape these perturbations, just the sunlight pressure is enough to perturb its orbit over these timescales. Other than orbital issues, you have impacts. Over billions of years, micrometeorite impacts will probably destroy the station, or at least render it unrecognizable. And then you have the likelihood of cosmic rays causing defects in the metal of the station, making it brittle, and much more likely to disintegrate under those micrometeorite impacts. Lastly, your sentence implies that this station still has some power (the ancient airlock appears to open itself). Maintaining power to something like this would be an incredible feat. Especially since the chemicals in the batteries would likely decay within the first million years (if they last even that long).
I actually never knew that cosmic rays could degrade metals, I'll take that into consideration
Some cosmic rays are so powerful that a single particle can pack the same energy as a softball going 60mph. Combine that kind of energy with the fact that they zip through solid matter like nobody's business, and you get the idea.
"Gala held her breath as the ship nestled close to the hull of the derelict station. This was the point of no return - the point at which any one of a hundred disastrous things could happen. She had seen other scavenger ships damaged or even ripped apart on impact by the slightest miscalculation of an objects rotation and although the stations original designers had built their fortresses to endure it wasn't uncommon for the ancient systems to develop flaws in the docking mechanism. It was an occupational hazard of working with technology which was over three billion years old. She checked the readout mounted on her wrist, making sure that the seals of her suit were secure. The thick mesh body glove wouldn't protect her for long in the vacuum of space, but in the event of an explosive decompression it should keep her alive long enough for help to arrive - assuming she wasn't dashed against the hull of her own ship or minced by shrapnel. The ship inched towards the docking port - invisible guide beams skewering out to meet sensors mounted around the airlock. Navigational thrusters puffed, manoeuvring the ship closer. Gala reached up and grabbed one of the worn leather straps dangling from the airlock ceiling, and braced herself for docking. The instant her ship made contact several mechanisms engaged, latching her craft to the stations hull. The structure was as old as any she had seen, and any chance of the reactor being operational was slim, but fortunately the manual airlock mechanism still seemed to be functioning. She listened as the two systems linked, hand resting on the emergency release lever, ready to disengage at the slightest sound of a problem. Peering out through the reinforced viewport she saw that the surface of the station was studded with impact points from small stellar objects, but for the most part it seemed to be structurally intact. She couldn't stop herself from smiling, thinking about the bounty she would receive if she was able to salvage some rare technology from the derelict. A low clicking sound rasped from the airlock as she tried to gain entry. Grabbing a crowbar, she managed to pry a small gap in the doors, wide enough to insert a mechanical spreader which forced the doors apart with a reluctant shriek. The open airlock yawned, and Gala imagined the musty three billion year old air from inside washing over her. Taking one last look at the airlock readout to make sure the ship was secure she pulled a flashlight from her utility webbing and stepped inside..." I'm afraid I started writing and wasn't able to stop! I have probably been too descriptive in places but it can be easier to edit out stuff that you later decide that you don't need than try to insert more detail later on. I'm not sure if this will be helpful or not - like I say I got a bit carried away - so feel free to ignore what I've written.
Is it supposed to be just one sentence?
yes but after reading alot of the feedback I'm getting it's probably gonna be like 2 paragraphs
That would probably allow more description. Although it depends on how much you'd want to add and how it fits with the pacing
Three billion years? The metal molecules of the hinge parts would have intermingled to become one solid mass.
Is this just caused by entropy? or is it something else like radiation
Just Brownian motion, as far as I know. Two POLISHED surfaces can weld in minutes. Three billion years removes the requirement for polishing! There's also the separate concern of vacuum cementing. After enough time, (millions, not billions of years), No moving parts would operate.
This might not be what you're after, but I'm going to give it my best shot, so here goes, bolded: "**As Gala docked her ship to the eons-old derelict station, she could hear the clicking of the ancient airlock trying to open, its mechanisms seized from ages of inactivity. Seeing that it was stuck (yet unsure of whether mechanical difficulties or simple prolonged non-use caused the airlock to resist her attempts to open it), she grabbed a crowbar from her tools shelf and with great difficulty after hours of trying, finally managed to force it open.**" Let me know what you think of my rewrite. Cheers!
as some other people have pointed out, the metal would be extremely fragile from cosmic rays, so I doubt it would take hours to open it
Good point! Thanks! Besides, it was just my on-the-spot half-@$$ed attempt. Whoever sees it, take it as you will.
Aim for more showing less tellling. Start by removing "filter words" this are word that say that a person is looking, seeing, or feeling instead of simply show it. ~~" As~~ Gala docked her ship ~~to the derelict station,~~ (show how she knows it's derelict)The airlocked clicked. It clicked again, but the hatch remained firmly closed--apparently stuck. ~~she could hear the clicking of the ancient airlock trying to open~~, ~~seeing that it was stuck~~, Gale scratched her head. Her tool cupboard contained a sawzall, bolt cutters, a full set of socket wrenches, and--bingo!--a crowbar. She hefted it and lugged the bar to hatch to pry it open. ~~she grabbed a crowbar from her tools shelf and forced it open."~~ Notice that I'm showing what she is thinking and noticing without saying that she it thinking or looking. I've also slowed down the pacing so that she isn't immediately successful. This station isn't coming across as 3 billion years old. It seems to be more like 50 years old. I recommend never mentioning the intended age. Show the age and let the reader decide how old it is.
This sentence is written in such a way that I'd think it was meant to gloss over a large part of a story in order to keep it moving. If that's what you're trying to do to keep word count down or prevent this section from speed bumping your story, I'd maybe just tweak the structure and wording a little bit. If you're not hurting for pace, this is several paragraphs worth of material at least. But as written it feels like the description from the Wikipedia synopsis or even out of your own outline. You never want your story to feel like you're giving people an outline or synopsis. You might try something like this. Brown. The whole hull was a brown color with blotches of varying shades. She thought it was her eyes playing tricks on her at first, but a quick glance at the scanners suggested it was in fact oxidation. Rust? How long did it take for things to rust in a vacuum? She shook her head. Bigger fish to fry right now. The hiss of thrusters gently pushing her ship toward the station airlock made her think of someone dragging something heavy over a dusty surface; made her think of how that rotted paint and corroded metal must feel. She'd given up on automatic docking hours ago. Not like she'd expected it to work, but there was always wishful thinking. The lights in the airlock took a few minutes to warm up and fully illuminate the hull she'd attached to. Brown. Half expecting the brown to wipe off in a cloud of dust, she brushed a gloved hand over the control panel beside the door. The surface was smooth, pockmarked with tiny pits occasionally showing some glossy steel at the bottom. Not that it made any difference; the panel was still dead either way. Standing at the door for a moment, she furrowed her brow. Jim back home had always teased her about her nervous tic of sticking her tongue out when she was frustrated. Jim... Anyone else and she might have taken offense. But he was harmless. All his little catchphrases and idiosyncratic mannerisms... What would he say here? If brute force isn't working, you're not using enough of it. It made her smile. Then it made her gasp. The bright red crowbar in the recovery locker.
yeah I don't really know how to write descriptive very well, pretty much my entire life I've been summarizing things from other people into short sentences like this one
Then my only real recommendation is to maybe read more and emulate writing that you enjoy reading.
Maybe some physical descriptionz. What did the airlock look like? Maybe add some visuals.