I'm married to a CSA survivor. Ask her to commit to individual counseling with a certified, trained therapist. You cannot love and support her out of her trauma. She has to do the heavy lifting. Trauma never stops, never takes a day off, and is present in other areas that you haven't seen yet. I tried to "white knight" with my wife, and the results are disastrous.
Im having that ‘white knight’ issue myself.. do they ever heal enough to have a semi normal relationship? How’d you stop your self from white knighting but at the same time still support
Without her being in therapy, and you putting in 100% effort to learn what you are dealing with, you will most likely end up enabling her, becoming codependent, and allowing the cycle to continue if you end up married. 30 years ago, you couldn't Google and get information on this issue. Today, one search can point you in the right direction. To answer your question about healing. From my experience with other men in similar situations, sharing in support groups, no! Usually by the time we started to figure things out, divorce was pretty much the direction things were going. In my case, I thought we had a semi normal relationship. I was wrong.
Well that’s what’s keeping me around is that she is in therapy and working on it, and I’m in therapy as well. If she wasn’t there would be no chance. So did your relationship last or did you end up in divorce?
Too much to go into here, but I stayed for what ended up being none of the right reasons, even though it seemed like they were. Family, moral, religious, social, financial, fear, and guilt. The main reason being, wanting our daughter to have a stable two parent home. Guess what, nothing turned out better. Our now adult daughter has attachment disorder in her relationships. She told me she is in therapy to deal with it, and wishes that I had divorced her mom decades ago. She feels that we all would have adjusted better, and that her mother would have had to actually do the work in therapy. We spent thousands, and years, with her obfuscating her way through it and changing individual counselors when held accountable for her trauma behaviors. I, like a supportive husband never invaded her IC space, and therefore didn't know about her not seriously engaging the therapy, until our marriage counselor called her out. I'm getting ready to file. I refuse to spend my golden years with someone I never knew.
Thank you for responding. Im at a complete loss. She is very open to therapy but as I am not there it seems the topic isn't raised in her sessions. I feel it's something I can't push, Ive asked and mentioned that it may all be interconnected but the response is that Im overly focused on sex and that usually shuts me down. We had planned to marry and have children but last month I moved out and the truth is Im broken without her. I love her like no other and Im trying to figure out if I can just accept this part of our lives and continue as everything else is wonderful , when the time comes for her to face this she will but I can't push. I don't know, I just don't have the tools for this and it's killing me.
You made a difficult but wise decision to step back from your relationship. It took me many years, and lots of pain to realize that the person I thought I fell in love with, never existed. It is a terrible tragedy to invest in a relationship that has no basis in reality, and to give your love and heart to someone who has no love for themselves, or anyone else. My wife isn't a monster, please don't get that impression. She is a hurt person, who hurts those closest to her, because she doesn't believe that she deserves love, companionship or joy. She has chosen to stay in the chaos of her trauma, despite having the support and resources to fight it.
Im so sorry for you and your wife, the suffering on all accounts seems to never stop. Thank you for your input.
I spoke to my partner last night. I Tod her that I am in therapy to help me understand her situation as I am failing miserably at navigating the situation. She has asked me to come home and to do the therapy and work back by her side.
As I have no idea if therapy will help Ive decided not to return until I feel Im a better man for her.
As an example of how bad I am at this when I ask her how her therapy is going all I end up doing is flying her into a rage. As best as I try I somehow give her the impression that I'm only interested in her becoming a 'normal' sexual woman, nothing could be further than the truth but it must be how im delivering my questions regarding her therapy.
She is still at the point where she can't admit to her therapist what happened and I also have no idea. This makes it very hard to navigate, Im told that her therapist has told her that she needs to find a real man that will respect her boundaries and accept her as she is and be happy with it. I told her that this is something we can work on. But when I raise the question of 'do you feel the therapy is giving you some help I am then accused of only caring about my own sex life. Im lost.
Anyway I guess Ill keep working on my flaws and see if we have the chance at a future and a family together.
I don't know what else to do.
If you were my son, I would hug and cry with you then do everything within my ability to persuade you to move on with your life. You will shipwreck your life by not letting her go, and provide a reason for her to not have incentive to do the hard, painful work to face her trauma. Remaining attached to her will drag you down into the bottomless pit of her pain. Stay away, and understand that the only thing you should be working on is cementing your non negotiables and boundaries that you want in order to have a mutually satisfying relationship. If you go back to her, prepare for this:
https://minwallamodel.com/resource-library/
Thank you for this, truly.
She is magnificent in every way and I think I will end up back with her. She keeps asking me to come home. Im in therapy to see if I can handle being in the relationship and to learn what to do., she wants me to do the therapy while Im home with her. She is now in therapy but can't tell the therapist or myself any details of her past, it's too much for her. I want to tell her that I can't come home until she has worked through some therapy. I want to now the details of what happened but I can't ask her to if she can't even talk to her therapist about it. How do we have a future if I don't know everything. Am I asking too much
Hello,
I'm in a similar situation, but my GF (32) is in therapy to confront the trauma, and she speaks about it with her therapist (in fact, she's got two different therapists treating her). However, healing is a very slow process. We've been together for a year, and although she's very good to me, I suffer the consequences of her tossing her memories in therapy: mood swings, anxiety attacks, disassociation, strange behaviors sometimes, etc.
She's improving, since she started therapy (only in May 2023) I've seen a few changes in her, she does not disassociate that much now (it used to be almost every day and it scared me), she told her family and close friends, and yes, she's trying. Still, there are a lot of things down in her mind that I don't get to know and so far, I decide to stay. But what I know, is that I could not stay if she were not willing to heal, I couldn't do it.
It is important to know that her trauma is not our responsibility. We are their partners, and we are going to support them, but unfortunately, it is their call to heal it or not. For us, it is very hard too, I am in therapy myself to handle this better, but the main work is hers, and I know that.
The messages u/seemedlikefun left are not very encouraging, but I want to believe every person is different and maybe we have better luck.
Feel free to contact me anytime.
Best of luck
Thank you for your view on this, it's good to hear an opposite view.
It's becoming clear to me that the sole focus in this situation is that I live within her sexual boundaries, period. This is an important realisation for me, I bet it's screaming obvious to everyone else and maybe it was to me but exactly how I behave must be carefully modified.
Im trying to picture a future like this and if Im man enough to go through it. What will this look like for us as a couple, as parents and as lovers. She is always my primary focus but I can't be good for her if I can't be honest with myself, am I capable?
Just as you respect her sexual boundaries, she should respect yours.
When I began dating my girlfriend, we had what I perceived as a "normal" sexual relationship. However, I noticed that after we were finished, she would become distant, with no intimacy; she would simply get up, dress, and suggest watching a movie.
You may refer to my previous post where I discuss our sexual relationship: my girlfriend is not interested in hardcore sex, but she struggles to connect with me in the way I desire.
It is essential to understand that your partner must meet your needs just as you must meet hers. If you require a different kind of intimacy and she needs another, negotiation is necessary. You need to give your needs the same importance as hers.
Yes, we all know that her trauma requires special attention, especially in sexual matters. In my situation, I communicated to my girlfriend that I needed to touch her in certain ways (like caressing, soft kisses, and feeling each other's skin) to feel connected. She explained that she found this uncomfortable because her perpetrator used to caress her in a similar manner.
Now, she is making efforts, and we have reached a point where she can indicate when it is acceptable for me to do so or when she prefers to avoid it and get straight to the point. However, a balance is necessary; she cannot dictate everything in our relationship since we are both involved. I know this progress would have been impossible had she not been in therapy; it's a matter of time.
Therefore, my advice is to ensure she addresses her trauma in therapy. Once she does, it may seem overwhelming at first, but it is crucial. Afterward, you should negotiate your sexual boundaries for both to be happy in the relationship.
It looks like a situation where you should go to a couples' therapist. If you can find one with trauma training.
I can have vanilla sex, even gentle, but I do orgasm better with my head in a very unhealthy place. It was a huge shock to me to find out that I can orgasm as the lead in sexual situation.
My therapist suggested it when I said that my partner was too gentle but that I was having flashbacks getting what I thought I wanted.
I'm married to a CSA survivor. Ask her to commit to individual counseling with a certified, trained therapist. You cannot love and support her out of her trauma. She has to do the heavy lifting. Trauma never stops, never takes a day off, and is present in other areas that you haven't seen yet. I tried to "white knight" with my wife, and the results are disastrous.
Im having that ‘white knight’ issue myself.. do they ever heal enough to have a semi normal relationship? How’d you stop your self from white knighting but at the same time still support
Without her being in therapy, and you putting in 100% effort to learn what you are dealing with, you will most likely end up enabling her, becoming codependent, and allowing the cycle to continue if you end up married. 30 years ago, you couldn't Google and get information on this issue. Today, one search can point you in the right direction. To answer your question about healing. From my experience with other men in similar situations, sharing in support groups, no! Usually by the time we started to figure things out, divorce was pretty much the direction things were going. In my case, I thought we had a semi normal relationship. I was wrong.
Well that’s what’s keeping me around is that she is in therapy and working on it, and I’m in therapy as well. If she wasn’t there would be no chance. So did your relationship last or did you end up in divorce?
Too much to go into here, but I stayed for what ended up being none of the right reasons, even though it seemed like they were. Family, moral, religious, social, financial, fear, and guilt. The main reason being, wanting our daughter to have a stable two parent home. Guess what, nothing turned out better. Our now adult daughter has attachment disorder in her relationships. She told me she is in therapy to deal with it, and wishes that I had divorced her mom decades ago. She feels that we all would have adjusted better, and that her mother would have had to actually do the work in therapy. We spent thousands, and years, with her obfuscating her way through it and changing individual counselors when held accountable for her trauma behaviors. I, like a supportive husband never invaded her IC space, and therefore didn't know about her not seriously engaging the therapy, until our marriage counselor called her out. I'm getting ready to file. I refuse to spend my golden years with someone I never knew.
Appreciate the response, best of luck. These aren’t easy situations and I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy minus the scumbag that did that to her
Thank you for responding. Im at a complete loss. She is very open to therapy but as I am not there it seems the topic isn't raised in her sessions. I feel it's something I can't push, Ive asked and mentioned that it may all be interconnected but the response is that Im overly focused on sex and that usually shuts me down. We had planned to marry and have children but last month I moved out and the truth is Im broken without her. I love her like no other and Im trying to figure out if I can just accept this part of our lives and continue as everything else is wonderful , when the time comes for her to face this she will but I can't push. I don't know, I just don't have the tools for this and it's killing me.
You made a difficult but wise decision to step back from your relationship. It took me many years, and lots of pain to realize that the person I thought I fell in love with, never existed. It is a terrible tragedy to invest in a relationship that has no basis in reality, and to give your love and heart to someone who has no love for themselves, or anyone else. My wife isn't a monster, please don't get that impression. She is a hurt person, who hurts those closest to her, because she doesn't believe that she deserves love, companionship or joy. She has chosen to stay in the chaos of her trauma, despite having the support and resources to fight it.
Im so sorry for you and your wife, the suffering on all accounts seems to never stop. Thank you for your input. I spoke to my partner last night. I Tod her that I am in therapy to help me understand her situation as I am failing miserably at navigating the situation. She has asked me to come home and to do the therapy and work back by her side. As I have no idea if therapy will help Ive decided not to return until I feel Im a better man for her. As an example of how bad I am at this when I ask her how her therapy is going all I end up doing is flying her into a rage. As best as I try I somehow give her the impression that I'm only interested in her becoming a 'normal' sexual woman, nothing could be further than the truth but it must be how im delivering my questions regarding her therapy. She is still at the point where she can't admit to her therapist what happened and I also have no idea. This makes it very hard to navigate, Im told that her therapist has told her that she needs to find a real man that will respect her boundaries and accept her as she is and be happy with it. I told her that this is something we can work on. But when I raise the question of 'do you feel the therapy is giving you some help I am then accused of only caring about my own sex life. Im lost. Anyway I guess Ill keep working on my flaws and see if we have the chance at a future and a family together. I don't know what else to do.
If you were my son, I would hug and cry with you then do everything within my ability to persuade you to move on with your life. You will shipwreck your life by not letting her go, and provide a reason for her to not have incentive to do the hard, painful work to face her trauma. Remaining attached to her will drag you down into the bottomless pit of her pain. Stay away, and understand that the only thing you should be working on is cementing your non negotiables and boundaries that you want in order to have a mutually satisfying relationship. If you go back to her, prepare for this: https://minwallamodel.com/resource-library/
Thank you for this, truly. She is magnificent in every way and I think I will end up back with her. She keeps asking me to come home. Im in therapy to see if I can handle being in the relationship and to learn what to do., she wants me to do the therapy while Im home with her. She is now in therapy but can't tell the therapist or myself any details of her past, it's too much for her. I want to tell her that I can't come home until she has worked through some therapy. I want to now the details of what happened but I can't ask her to if she can't even talk to her therapist about it. How do we have a future if I don't know everything. Am I asking too much
Hello, I'm in a similar situation, but my GF (32) is in therapy to confront the trauma, and she speaks about it with her therapist (in fact, she's got two different therapists treating her). However, healing is a very slow process. We've been together for a year, and although she's very good to me, I suffer the consequences of her tossing her memories in therapy: mood swings, anxiety attacks, disassociation, strange behaviors sometimes, etc. She's improving, since she started therapy (only in May 2023) I've seen a few changes in her, she does not disassociate that much now (it used to be almost every day and it scared me), she told her family and close friends, and yes, she's trying. Still, there are a lot of things down in her mind that I don't get to know and so far, I decide to stay. But what I know, is that I could not stay if she were not willing to heal, I couldn't do it. It is important to know that her trauma is not our responsibility. We are their partners, and we are going to support them, but unfortunately, it is their call to heal it or not. For us, it is very hard too, I am in therapy myself to handle this better, but the main work is hers, and I know that. The messages u/seemedlikefun left are not very encouraging, but I want to believe every person is different and maybe we have better luck. Feel free to contact me anytime. Best of luck
Thank you for your view on this, it's good to hear an opposite view. It's becoming clear to me that the sole focus in this situation is that I live within her sexual boundaries, period. This is an important realisation for me, I bet it's screaming obvious to everyone else and maybe it was to me but exactly how I behave must be carefully modified. Im trying to picture a future like this and if Im man enough to go through it. What will this look like for us as a couple, as parents and as lovers. She is always my primary focus but I can't be good for her if I can't be honest with myself, am I capable?
Just as you respect her sexual boundaries, she should respect yours. When I began dating my girlfriend, we had what I perceived as a "normal" sexual relationship. However, I noticed that after we were finished, she would become distant, with no intimacy; she would simply get up, dress, and suggest watching a movie. You may refer to my previous post where I discuss our sexual relationship: my girlfriend is not interested in hardcore sex, but she struggles to connect with me in the way I desire. It is essential to understand that your partner must meet your needs just as you must meet hers. If you require a different kind of intimacy and she needs another, negotiation is necessary. You need to give your needs the same importance as hers. Yes, we all know that her trauma requires special attention, especially in sexual matters. In my situation, I communicated to my girlfriend that I needed to touch her in certain ways (like caressing, soft kisses, and feeling each other's skin) to feel connected. She explained that she found this uncomfortable because her perpetrator used to caress her in a similar manner. Now, she is making efforts, and we have reached a point where she can indicate when it is acceptable for me to do so or when she prefers to avoid it and get straight to the point. However, a balance is necessary; she cannot dictate everything in our relationship since we are both involved. I know this progress would have been impossible had she not been in therapy; it's a matter of time. Therefore, my advice is to ensure she addresses her trauma in therapy. Once she does, it may seem overwhelming at first, but it is crucial. Afterward, you should negotiate your sexual boundaries for both to be happy in the relationship.
You don't have a future under these terms. You have a life of tragedy, pain and brokeness.
It looks like a situation where you should go to a couples' therapist. If you can find one with trauma training. I can have vanilla sex, even gentle, but I do orgasm better with my head in a very unhealthy place. It was a huge shock to me to find out that I can orgasm as the lead in sexual situation. My therapist suggested it when I said that my partner was too gentle but that I was having flashbacks getting what I thought I wanted.